Miss Me? - Top Drawer

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver discuss fit footballers, washing machine anxiety and accents.This episode contains very strong language and adult themes.Credits: Producer: Flossie Barratt Technical Producer: Will Gibson Smith Production Coordinator: Hannah Bennett Executive Producers: Dino Sofos and Ellie Clifford Assistant Commissioner for BBC: Lorraine Okuefuna Commissioning Editor for BBC: Dylan HaskinsMiss Me? is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This episode of Miss Me contains very strong language and adult themes, but it's all right. We'll keep you safe. How are you doing? I feel sprightly as fuck today.

Do you want to know why? Do tell. Because I did two things that I know I'm meant to do for myself. I trained and I played tennis. Wow. And I'd say my serve has gone up by 40% in the last like month. And it's just, oh my God. Do you know what it's like to like keep learning something, like when you're just like, you're not in the mood or it's too hard and you haven't got as good as

you thought you'd be. And I just keep going back every week and I'm getting better and better. And it does bring me lots of joy. I did study quite a lot of the Wimbledon play. I was like, okay, that's how you do a serve. And it has helped my serve. So thank you, Carlos Alcaraz. Alcaraz. Winner of Wimbledon.

Well, that's good. Makita's angling for her tennis commentator job over here. It was incredible play from both players. That's all I've got. Uh-oh. See, that's why you've got to be Sue Walker. You've got to be like the tension. It's another match point. It's another match point.

Well, you're really selling yourself here. Stop it, because this is a future I do want, so let's not screw that up for me. No, I know, I know. But I think you have to have played professional tennis in order to be a tennis commentator. I just want to be really

good at tennis. I just want to play really well. That's great. I love that for you. I think that will be something that you can achieve. As you said, you keep going back and practicing. This is not really a technique I'm familiar with, with anything. I don't really practice things.

Stick to something, practice makes perfect. No, I'm like a bit too ADHD. I just get distracted. Also, if I'm not like immediately good at something, I tend to just not bother really. Well, next up is football. I'm joining Charlotte, my friend charlotte's uh team her and her lesbian football team i thought you were gonna say that you're the new england manager

after that tennis rehearsal um i don't think i'm ready but um let's just quickly say i know it was a while ago but oh my god what a game what a a game. That was tough. That was incredible. There was so much hope in my pub. So much hope. I think there was hope everywhere. Even I, even I, Mrs. Christmas Scrooge football face over here, I wanted us to win. I was excited.

I went over to some friends' house. There were lots of kids. Some of the kids cried. It was like, you know, it was a lot. Yeah. I remember when you lose when you're a kid, you're like, it's not fair. And you can't say, you're like, it's just not.

Yeah, it's just not fair. I regressed slightly because football, spectatorship and my relationship with my father have always gone hand in hand. So I used to be a Fulham fan and a season ticket holder and i would go to watch fulham play with my dad every weekend and i loved it it was like a real way of us bonding and there was a part of me that was like come on england win because my daddy might tell me he loves me i wonder how many people there were up and down the country

that were like please I want to call my daddy I was going to say you probably weren't alone in that it would have brought joy to even the stoniest of hearts wouldn't it but still but I think a lot of men can only really communicate their emotions through football

so like if England won it would have the like floodgates of emotion for, you know, men across the country and people would, you know, that might have difficult relationships with their parents, not talking about me, that, you know,

would see that as a, as a green light to approach and be, yeah. But we lost. And, and Southgate's resigned. Just another four years to go until I get that I love you.

Just another four years until it says I love you. No, my dad tells me he loves me all the time. Don't worry. Fulham could win. So wait for that. You'd have to wait for the Euros.

Fulham could win and then World Cup. So you just wait for every football tournament. You never fucking know. Can I come out now? But we did lose. We did lose.

We did lose. And Southgate has resigned. Now, I am not here to poo-poo Southgate. And I've just heard on the radio that no one else is either. Okay, that's not the vibe. The vibe is very like, good on you, son. You did us proud. He had quite a good innings

as well wasn't it like eight years he managed england for eight years and he and what he did which i love is he went steadily up gets us into the semi-finals then the final then the final again like it's it's all gone up which has been beautiful to watch but i guess he's just sick of it i imagine it's the hardest job in the world being the manager. I know, it's funny. There's like, there's young people that I've been watching on sort of social media platforms that have been like, open to two finals. They never win anything. I'm like, try being our age.

Yeah, what, final? Yeah. We had to sit through Glenn Hoddle, Kevin Keegan. Right. What was his name? The Italian one who managed us? Sven-Joran Eriksson. Sven-Joran Eriksson.

Fabio Capello. Hang on a minute. I need to talk about Hoddle because this is another reason that, okay, Gareth Southgate, let's just give him his juice now that he's left the building. I saw Bellingham say after the game

that he felt like Gareth Southgate was the first manager that he could truly talk to and could really share things with. Bellingham's words, and then he said, and we all just feel like we felt like Gareth Southgate was the first manager that he could truly talk to and could really share things with Bellingham's words and then he said and we all just feel like we've let Gareth down because he's such a brilliant manager and he looks after us so well that we wanted to make him proud and I was like that's a good manager because Hoddle when Beckham um did the kick in the Argentina game wasn't there for him there was no protection care or support for him and i truly believe david beckham went through a traumatic hell you see it in the beckham documentary and then he goes home to manu after the horrible world cup hell and uh alex ferguson says you're all right kid come on

and that's care and love so we know that gareth southgate has been that kind of manager and for that we're truly grateful thank Thank you, Gareth. Truly, truly grateful. Thank you for your service, Gareth. Is he a sir yet? He's going to be a sir, surely, any minute. Can you imagine him going to the palace? Knighted. Knighted. He'll be knighted. It's good to know that we're on the

same page about Southgate. He did good. Thank you for your service. Now let's talk about who we fancied. Yes. Cole Palmer. what a revelation right when he came on i was like pity how old is he i don't know i think 22 old enough to be his mother well i just showed autumn that i work with i said oh palmer's fit and she showed me a picture of palmer's fit i said yeah and that like dirty boy in the pub way and then she went oh right yeah so maybe you just gotta give it that prefix a little bit gormless looking that's how i like them though yeah me too a bit

and then i like this the spanish player what was he called oh my god oh sorry can we just go back to england players that fit phil foden no no because i'm because i'm actually done there's not what i stones maybe that's all i've got. That was not a fit team. I know it's controversial, but I think Kyle Walker is quite fit. No. Yeah. No. Yeah.

Okay. Well, I'll take your Walker and I'll raise you. Le Normand. Le Normand. I'm going to have to Google him because I don't know what you're talking about. He was on the ball a lot in the game. There was somebody that looked a little bit indie sleaze that didn't

really look like they should be a footballer. They look like they should be in a band. I know which band. In the test icicles? Maybe. Lenormand. Oh my God, his first name is Robin, which is my dad's name. Maybe he's meant to be my husband.

Yeah, Le Normand, that's the one I'm talking about. He's Indy Sleaze. Oh no, oh God, no. I don't think he looks Indy Sleaze. I think he looks like a bit Paul Nichols-y, a bit cleaner than that. No. I do not fancy that energy.

And you know it. What, you don't fancy Indy Sleaze? No. Okay do not fancy that energy. And you know it. What, you don't fancy indie sleaze? No. Okay. Okay, then. Excuse me. Excuse me. On what planet would I fancy indie sleaze boys today?

No, maybe not today, but let's not just like completely deny the past. I wasn't really. No, at that time I was begging theatre crew, begging royal court actors. Yeah, and before that you were 100% right in there with the indie sleazers. I feel like I jumped indie sleaze. You may have written that out of your own narrative. Name one person.

I feel like maybe they were about, like Owen? Yeah, the White Rose movement for a start. I didn't kiss any of them. That was Lauren. Anything else you want to add about the football? No, the only thing interesting to say about football is that I had lost my Fulham top for a long time and then I found it the other day.

I was very happy about having found it. It's long-sleeved, kappa. I think it was from 2012 maybe 2011 sounds great shirt and i really thought it had gone you know when you lose something you lose an item of clothing you cannot stop thinking about it it was really bothering me when i was on my holiday i was like i know i've seen it somewhere yeah but that i never find and then it turned up it turned up in a bag i since i've come here from new york i've got like four different places that i'm storing like suitcases of clothes so obviously i've been going on my little european jaunts on

the continent so i'd like go away for a week and then i come back put one lot of stuff of washing in with my mom and then you actually get allison to wash your clothes yeah my mom would never can i let you into a secret? I can't believe that. Do you want me to tell you a secret? Yeah, right. It's not going to be a secret anymore. Go for it. I don't know how to use a washing machine. That's bullshit because you're such a homemaker.

I know, but I just have this fear of like shrinking and dying clothes, so I just don't do it. David and the kids do the washing. I'll iron. Okay. I'll iron stuff and I can put stuff in the,

I don't even really like putting things in the dryer. I'm scared. That's where things really fuck up. So that is where you should stay away from. Is it? Is that where it happens? That's where things shrink.

Yeah. Oh my God, I'm so good at my washing. The kids are really good at it. Ethel's particularly good at using the washing machine. But I am, I have a fear of it. I don't want to go near it.

I get so angry when people like make a nice white t-shirt, pink. I'm just like, and I never want to be on the receiving end of that kind of anger. I feel like that thing only happened in the, honestly, truly in the 90s. Like a pink sock ruins a white wash. I feel like that's not a problem anymore. I feel like people don't do that anymore. That's a 90s issue. It is.

That doesn't happen. People don't go, oh, I dyed this. That doesn't happen anymore. I think washing machines have come a long way, Lil. Really? Shall I get into it? Okay. I'm going to start.

I've been to your house and there's a nice washing room down in the basement. I thought it was scary. Yeah. So you don't go in there. See, it even made you scared going down there. start I've been to your house and there's a nice washing room down in the basement yeah uh so you don't go in there it even made you scared going down there certainly because it's the basement but do you not go down in that room I do because it's also where the gym is so I do go there to the gym anyway but no I don't I can't do I can't do the washing I also just get oh yeah I'm just like I don't know what bit to put the stuff in i feel like i'm gonna you know ruin the machine like i'm gonna put the like and also the fabric conditioner like how do you know how much i don't use the top drawer i just put in like one square thing you know like the um like a dishwasher tablet yeah Yeah, like that. Put that in. I'm also scared of the top drawers.

The washing machine. That's terrible. Fabric softener could be great, you know. It makes all your clothes soft and smell really lovely. No, but it can fuck them up. I know this. I know this much. I've heard the horror stories, which is why I'm not going there.

This much I know. My ADHD and a washing machine and fabric conditioner are not going to go well together fucking shit show so you haven't been in your lovely house in america for a while because you've been on a month i've been there more recently than you um so you haven't been in america when this absolute horror show has occurred absolute horror show um an attempted assassination on donald trump over the weekend and resulting in two people being killed someone in the crowd a father in the crowd and and of course the shooter was was shot and killed and i think a few more in critical condition yeah it's all got a bit i watched the whole tale on the news last night and i was like god this is uh become like a weird apple tv series it's quite end of days isn't it

it's um i went to sleep that the night before it happened um and i woke up the next morning and it had happened like sort of nine or ten hours ago or something so i felt like a bit behind the news cycle and um yeah watching the video i mean he sort of tilted his head didn't he just before no bullet hit him yeah so if he hadn't tilted his head it would have gone interesting right it just all feels so weird and like when you see the whole thing play out in the news I was like is this actually the world we live in that this is all going on felt like a surreal reality well it's happened before it's happened before obviously jfk i think reagan there was an assassination attempt as well yes of course of course but i'm saying this one in particular had a very different feel to it it's interesting i went to see some people this weekend

i won't say who because what i'm gonna say um it's quite particularly well on them but someone that i know said they were in church and thought to themselves like oh it's a shame it wasn't successful and then they prayed to god for forgiveness and said gosh sorry i'm i didn't mean that. Don't wish harm on anyone. Don't wish harm on anyone. And he's not as bad as, you know, some people in political history.

Won't name any names. And it made me think, because obviously there's been quite a lot of talk on the social media, on Twitter, or, you know, whatever, of people, you know, quite sort of evangelical, puritanical people in America, religious people saying it was an act of God that he was saved and blah, blah, blah. And you think, yeah, you know, maybe there is something on his side.

But then I thought, was it on his side? Or if it had happened and it had connected and he had died, where would that leave everybody else? Where would that, what would that have, what would that have led to? And maybe if there is a God, that's what he was thinking about. I'm not saying that God wants to kill Donald Trump at all. But if a man was saved, then what may be the other reason?

And I imagine we'd be in a civil war of some kind. Yes, I think that's undoubtedly there'd be a civil war. If Donald Trump was assassinated. Yeah. He has come out of this as a hero. Just even the imagery that's being used, the photo on the news yesterday was like from below and he's sort of above with his arm in the air like this.

And I was like, God, it's interesting what something, like overnight someone is a hero. And can we talk about Project 2025? What's Project 2025? So if Trump gets into office, these are the things that Project 2025 and the Trump administration are asking for. The sacking of thousands of civil servants,

dismantling the Department of Education, sweeping tax cuts, a ban on pornography and halting sales of the abortion pill. So he has very, very serious plans. And does foot content come under? Let's just say, I don't think Trump will be, I don't think Trump's going to be okay with that, Lil. I think that might come under the new...

That's some interesting policies there. I look forward to seeing how those pan out. Absolutely. He definitely has a plan. He's got some ideas. Boy, does he. Boy, does he. Sips tea.

So actually, we just found out that Tenacious D have cancelled their tour, which is the band that Jack Black fronts with his mate Kyle Gass, because Kyle Gass made some disparaging comments about the assassination attempt in wishing that it had been more successful than it was. And as a result. So is that off? Yeah, it's off. No more tenacious detour.

And no more saying, and no more, people can't say that. No free speech? No free speech. I suppose no hate speech no hate speech oh this is gonna be an interesting next few weeks interesting few weeks for him anyway roll on november the 5th i can't wait for five more months i can't believe it's that far away by the way i know it's outrageous he's gonna be jumping out of planes and saving children isn't he it might be saving babies if they're in utero and planning to be aborted. Then yes, maybe he'll be saving some babies.

He's got his own way for everything, hasn't he? Look at this from my nanny. Look at this from my nanny. And yesterday, you know, you said you're looking for your Fulham shirt. Yesterday, I said to myself, you know what I need? A teapot. And then I went to my nanny, I went to my mum's. My nan lives with my mum. And she was like, I've got this for you know what I need? A teapot. And then I went to my nanny, I went to my mum's, my nan lives with my mum,

and she was like, I've got this for you. Do you like it? So it's like a Russian doll. So you get the cup and then this goes into it and then the lid. This isn't great for a podcast, but if this becomes a clip. She's easily pleased.

I really am easily pleased. I was like, this has just changed my life. I went to visit my nan this weekend, also in Sherbourne. She's in a retirement home. And we took her out for lunch to my auntie's house. Yeah, my mum's mum. Yeah. I don't feel like you do things like that that much when you're in town.

Go see your gran. No, I haven't been to see her for a long time, actually. It was really nice. And what was nice was I love my mum, okay? But she is quite annoying sometimes and my nan sees it too which was quite quite fun to be around we decided to sit there in i was like sitting in the chair next to her bed and my mom was sitting in the chair at the end of her bed and we decided to do the sunday times crossword together and my mom is so fucking smug she's a know-it-all probably in a crossword i imagine

she's just a way that like when she has got something right she does this sniff straight after okay it's so irritating and i was like i couldn't stop like even when i was younger i would never have like you know got annoyed with my mom in front of my nan because I got whack. But I was just like, oh, God, you're being so annoying. And my nan was sort of, you know, slightly deteriorating in her, you know, cognitive self. And she was like, hmm, yes, she is quite annoying, isn't she? Yeah, but then if that if me and Nanny get like that, my mum goes on a direct train to Victonville

and like, you two are ganging up on me. You're so mean to me and I just can't. But I'm happy that you had that experience because you don't get to have it that often. No, I don't. And can I ask, Lil, what's your nanny on this side's name? I don't know. Owen, Mary Owen.

It's Mary Owen, yes. So does Mary live at home or is Mary the grandmother that lives in a home? No, she has lived at home. My granddad died, I reckon it must be about 10 years ago now. And my nan lived in Portsmouth. She lived in a sort of, in a flat, like where lots of other elderly people lived like in a block so i think that there was like some sort of carers that used to come and check in on them but then her health has sort of deteriorated somewhat that she's now in like a full retirement home okay and it is

in dorset near where my aunt lives because the reason i'm asking is because cousin neymar her grandmother donna who is um probably 94 now wow good honor and um donna's american and has been independent her whole life and has a really beautiful house in somerset like particularly beautiful um and she she's had to move into a home because of like a sort of bureaucratic mistake with her carers donna had to leave her home and her life within two weeks and go to this new place luckily it's the place that hassle was in so she went there every day for 10 years so she knows it and she's familiar but i gotta tell you taking a lady a grandmother that you love out of her home that she knows so

well in that fashion has been quite traumatic for Naima, actually, and for Donna. Yeah, and does Naima instinctively feel that, like, she would have been happier to stay at home or it would have been better for her to have stayed at home or do they feel like it's the right place for her to be? It's like a duality between that. That's exactly what she was saying. It's good for her to be there,

but Donna keeps thinking she's going to come home. So she's sort of in her head temporarily there and of course as you said with mario and your grandma you know their their minds aren't what they used to be and so you cling on to ideas and thoughts and you just want them to you just want everyone to feel safe at that age and i was thinking i don't also i don't have kids so like if i don't kids, who the fuck is actually going to look after me? You? Yeah, I'll look after you. But I'm only a year younger than you. Maybe if you play your cards right,

Ethel and Marnie might look after you. Thank you. Yeah, the goddaughter. I'll ask Marnie. You look after me in my old age. It'd be cool if we had enough money, like we could all pool together and have our own old people's home, like a private one. And we could just pay for a couple of carers to come and look after us and we could all pool together and have our own old people's home, like a private one.

Correct. And we could just pay for a couple of carers to come and look after us and we could all stay together. I'm happy to end my days. I mean, we just had a family picnic for Cousin Phoebe's 40th. We were all there together on Saturday. And it's just like, how many people are in that picnic? Have you known since like the day you were born?

Like we could just create our own we could create our own village community commune where the food is nice and the weather's good you know yeah we could do that actually I was quite surprised at how I was a bit scared to go to see my nan in the retirement home because my granddad was in one near where I lived in Stroud and it was horrible. It was horrible. It was like a sort of dementia home. So it was, I don't know what was up with it, like whether it was the carers that were working there, but it just had a really grim vibe. Everyone seemed really, really depressed. My granddad up until before he'd gone in there had lived in a like sort of shed in my dad's garden, which he'd like done, which he'd done up.

But then he had Alzheimer's and there'd been a couple of occasions where he'd like fallen and injured himself. And so the decision was made to take him to this place. And he just hated it. I hated seeing him there. Yeah, I really hated it this granddad Eddie hated it I hated seeing him there yeah I really hated it I hated going there I hated seeing him there it was it was grim well that's why I feel so lucky about Nanny living with my mum like my mum's never really had any money and for the first time in her life she has enough money for a house with enough space for my grandma to have left her house of 50 years in Suffolk and come and live with us

but that was also not the easiest thing you think that oh nanny she's 86 she'll be so pleased and so like grateful that we've given her this new life but actually they lose their independence she has to live with mum and Garth you know she has to get to used to London again she did live in London when she was younger but Barry's and Edmunds in Suffolk, it has been her home because she was a teacher. She was known everywhere around Barry. Everyone was like, yes, Miss Oliver,

because she taught everyone. You know, no matter how old you get, you want a role and you want your identity to be intact. So let's be kinder to mum when she sniffs, when she gets a question right.

She's just a bit pleased with herself, so okay. It's probably what makes her a good producer. You know, she knows when she sniffs, when she gets a question right. She's just a bit pleased with herself. It's okay. It's probably what makes her a good producer. You know, she knows when she's right. It's just fucking annoying. I know. But have you seen a university challenge when people... Four-letter word, nudge.

Prod. And it's a sort of like look away as well. It's like prod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be like, that was nothing for me. I get it. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah it's gotta be like that was nothing for me i get it yeah yeah um and actually is nothing for her and it made me think like i have to put my phone down because my brain does not work we need to read the books but she's on facebook the whole time anyway speaking of mums can we talk about how garfield ruined her chicken on the weekend

oh my god no i can't i cannot bait him out or miss me when he tried his best. She needs to know that she cannot leave her chicken unattended from this point forward. And if she is going to leave it unattended, get someone else to do it, not Garfield. You said, mum's chicken. And I went over so excited and I lifted off the tinfoil and I was like, what color is this?

This ain't Andy chicken. This is not the right kind of brown. Thing is, Godfrey does know how to cook chicken. I just think the pressure got to him. Basically, my mum was away this weekend. She couldn't cater the picnic

like she always does. Yeah, there was some Andy, masquerading Andy chicken that was not, was not appropriate. I was like, get that away from me.

Yeah. Anyway, should we have a break? Yeah, let's have a break yeah let's feel like my mom's gonna really take this quite seriously not personally she'll be laughing her ass off and posting it in the facebook group don't you want to grab it that's exactly where this will end up this is gonna be huge on facebook in our parents' circle, not anywhere else.

That circle's still going strong. Okay. We love Garth. See you in a minute.

Bye. Love you, Garth. Say love you, Garth. Love you, Garth. Yeah,

nice. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. You. Oi, you. Welcome back to Miss Me. Hi.

I'm with you, Lil, by the way. I've never talked to her. That's quite an aggressive way to talk to our audience. You. Welcome back. Only you. Now, what I really wanted to talk to you about today was etymology. OK. Anything in particular? Well, I found out the origins of your name someone told me with google with a bit of help from google so your name is lily but actually the origins of it would be lilith and lilith uh is a character in jewish folklore who was said to be the first wife of

the first man adam who disobeyed him so you're pre-eve okay you be the first wife of the first man, Adam, who disobeyed him. So you're pre-Eve, OK? You're the first wife of Adam. You were then banished from the Garden of Eden and you became a mythical she-demon. That tracks. So, Sheezus, eh? We don't talk about that album. I love that album.

So I thought that was quite interesting because i don't have any history to my name because my name was made up and then my mom made up the spelling and i've not had any children to name yet which i can't wait to do because i think the idea of giving someone a name is a big old deal so did you think much about ethel and marnie or did you slap them on them well ethel we had like a whole bunch of different names ready for her. And then when she was born, I don't know if this is just my narcissism, basically, but I just assumed I'd have the more dominant gene. So all the names I had prepared for her were for like little brown haired,

brown eyed, dark skinned, little, you know, woodland creatures. And then she came out and she had red hair and very pale skin and blue eyes and none of the names that we had chosen fit but just ethel did i think maybe sam and i had like this sort of like sort of jokey conversation sometimes that we'd have an ethel and a Stanley. Good names. And it was never really serious. And then when Ethel was born, it was like, actually, I think this is Ethel. You know?

And I do, she doesn't love her name. I love her name. And most people that meet her say that she's definitely an Ethel. She's totally an Ethel. But it's funny how her face becomes a name. Like, I feel like the shape of her face looks like the word Ethel. Like, that's how much...

Like, I've been looking at your face my entire life, and it's just like, this face looks like the word Lily now, because that is just what you are. It's just weird to think about it. Like, now Marnie... Let me tell you. Oh, I love that little schmo.

Oh, I know. she's such a little and she looks like a little like the it's like Marnie's got quite a round face and it's like m a all the like roundness of it has become Marnie Marnie Marnie um now I don't know if I've ever really shared this but when I went out with Lester who who was my first boyfriend, he had said that his first girlfriend that he had, you know, consummated his relationship with was called Marnie. And the name always stuck in my head. I was like, I like that name. Also, I'm obsessed with the fact that you had another girlfriend before me. So and then my child, second child was born.

And I'd always just like fixated on that name, love that name. That's so fucked up because you said the other week that you have a real issue with the person that was loved before you in a relationship and you named your second born after your first love's first love. No, I didn't name her after. I just never heard that name before. The first time I heard it was in connection with an ex-boyfriend of mine, ex-girlfriend.

Yeah. And I guess it just stuck in my head when I liked it. And also, it's a good name. It's a great name. It suits her. And then girls came out and there was Marnie all over the place. Have you dealt with any other Marnies? That would piss me off as well. I've met a couple of Marnies.

Not that many. No. I also really like it when northerners go, Armani. Where's Armani oh where's Armani like Armani yeah because it sounds like Armani Armani well I'm happy I'm happy that you've just thrown a little accent in because what I really also wanted to talk about was the origins maybe I should give this to myself next time but But this stuff really fucking interests me. Like, how did an accent come to be?

And I've just got two examples, because one of them, I feel like maybe you were a Geordie in another life. Me? Because it comes, yeah. You think I was a Geordie in another life? Don't be ridiculous. I do believe that there's something deep within you

that allows you to sound exactly like like Geordie, like that. Why do you think that? Don't know what you're talking about. The Anglo-Saxon kingdom of the Dark Ages spoke varieties of Old English, right? OK, so everyone's speaking all these different versions of Old English. Then North England was dominated by the kingdom of Northumbria and this was where a distinct Northumbrian old English dialect developed, which gradually became the modern Geordie accent.

I don't know if that makes me understand it more, but basically a mishmash of shit becomes an accent. I mean, I just always think that like from north to south and east to west, if you compare like a really southern accent to a Scottish accent, it just gets closer and closer towards that. I don't feel like Geordie is that far away from Scottish. I don't feel like Manchester is that far away from Geordie. Do you know what I mean? That's a really good way of thinking about it. So the accent sort of goes up the map and changes into what's above it.

Yes. Wow. What a way to think about it. You'd be a good teacher. I don't know if that's true, but that's how it works in my head. Because even like Birmingham sounds like, you know, half northern and then also half like southwestern. It sounds like it's going into like Somerset-y kind of. And then isn't Wales weirdly near like Liverpool?

It can be, the top part of Wales. The top part of Wales. I may have lost myself. I may have lost myself in this conversation. Anyway, I think it's fascinating. And I just, I think maybe I just wanted to hear you do the Geordie accent. Well, there you go. Did you like that, Pet?

Did you enjoy that? It was more, you know, the heady days of X Factor when Cheryl Cole was the most famous person in the world. And it was just uncanny. Uncanny. I really like what you did with that. I really liked that. I thought that was brilliant.

I thought that was brilliant. I'll be dumb. Cheryl, we'll come to you. How was that for you? Literally, my heart jumped out of my body. That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. And do the bit when she goes home to tell her husband. If you don't get through this round,

don't worry because you're a star. It's actually making me miss the heady days of X Factor. I actually don't think my accent is that good. I think people are going to be like, what are you talking about, Makita? It's a terrible accent. Oh, right. Well, is it a good Geordie accent

or is it just a great Cheryl Cole impression? Who knows? Either way, it touched my heart. Haven't heard it in a while. But I'll stop you there. What are you going to do today? Your mum's cooking for you. My mum's cooking for me.

I don't know what she's cooking yet. Yeah, but can you... I've said to her, I've said to her, can you cook cheese pie? I have no response. No response to cheese pie. I'm stopping talking in this accent.

Yeah, you can stop now. This is actually insulting to people. You can stop now. You can definitely stop now. Once I get into it, though, I can't. And imagine back in the day when drugs and alcohol were mixed in. It would be a whole fucking night of me being one accent. It's so true.

I actually apologize to everybody that i've ever met me when i was drunk and high sorry thank you no not you i'm not including you in that i'm not including you in that i don't get the apology who fucking gets it then everyone else all right lily allen i'm just about done with you, but I will see you on Monday for Listen Bitch. Can't wait. The theme for this week's Listen Bitch is beauty.

Isn't it? It's beauty, darling. And it was sent to us by someone. So that might be a more traveled road in the future if we start running out of Listen Bitch theme ideas. Okay.

I'll see you on Monday, bitch. See you then, bitch. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening to Miss Me with Lily Allen and Makita Oliver. This is a Persephoneca production for BBC Sounds. Hi, guys.

I'm Ryland, and this is How To Be In The Spotlight from BBC Sounds. It's the podcast where together we're going to hear what it's like to be thrust into the public eye by those who've lived to tell the tale. In this podcast, I'm going to be joined by 12 fantastic guests who are going to share how they've learned to navigate the perks, pressures and pitfalls of fame. This is Ryland, How To Be In in the spotlight. Listen on BBC Sounds.