Mission To Zyxx - 101: All Hail the Federated Alliance!

Episode Date: September 6, 2017

The crew encounters some resistance to the Federated Alliance’s message of peace. There is an altercation, Pleck shoots someone, and that’s all we really need to say about it. Bargie meets a fan. Featuring: Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as the Grand Kula and the Kulata Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie Edited by Alden Ford Recorded at Braund Studios by Shane O’Connell Sound Design and Mix by Shane O’Connell Music by Brendan Ryan Opening Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz

The period of civil war has ended. In the aftermath of the Battle of Sistu, the rebels have overthrown the evil Galactic Monarchy and in its place established the just and benevolent Federated Alliance. It's definitely an improvement and totally not a lateral move. Now, to restore diplomatic relations between systems, the Federated Alliance has deployed teams of ambassadors throughout the galaxy to bring a message of peace to every inhabited world. The pay is six croons per hour, which seems sort of low, all things considered.

which seems sort of low, all things considered. In the farthest reaches of the Trimelian sector, a young farm boy named Plek Dexeter embarks with his crew on his first assignment, a daring journey to the remote and mysterious Zix Quadrant. Aboard the starship, the Bargerian Jade, they set out to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is their mission.

A mission to Zakes. People of FLIRP, greetings. My name is Ambassador Plek Dexeter of the Federated Alliance. We come bearing a message of peace and prosperity and togetherness and synergy and cooperation and, and economic growth. Sir Dexon, have you misplaced your cards? I went to the last one about disarming the cards, and I don't think I should do that right now. No, that would be too soon. So please, disarm your guards and share with us freely

the great resources of the planet Flurp. Thank you, and all hail the Federated Alliance. Are you joking kidding me? Uh, what? You come down to my planet, talk to me, the gula

of this planet. And you come down, oh, you don't even know what that is. I mean, do you not know what a Kula is? It's like king, right? Ambassador Dexeter, I gave you a file to read. It's actually a war chieftain. It's very different.

Do you even know what synergy means? I think I have a pretty good idea. Tell me what it means right now. Synergy is like when you make your business go to the top, as far as I know. I don't know what's in our jobs. Where are you from? We represent the Federated Alliance. No, no, no, no.

Where are you from? From Rangus VI. Oh, okay. Foreign planet. Yeah, right. So you come all the way from Rangus VI to my planet, and you think you can tell me what to do? This is the Zix Quadrant.

Do you know how things work in the Ziggs Quadrant? If you bring a blaster, we bring an ion cannon. If you bring a laser pike, we bring a laser staff. If you bring a starship, we bring a bigger starship. That's how it works in the Ziggs Quadrant.

Okay, we don't have any guns, so you don't have to worry about that. Oh, all right. What is a laser pipe? It's a modem. It's sort of a long stick with a laser. Does the laser shoot out of it? No, it's a hand weapon.

Yeah, the droid is great. Ambassador Dexeter, give me one good reason why my honor guard cannot obliterate you in this moment. Oh, you know what? I got this Dar, please present him with our Federated Alliance gift You think this is our One good reason? I mean, it's pretty

This, my friend, is an Official Federated Alliance koozie What is this? It keeps a hot beverage hot. It keeps a cold beverage cold. When would I use this for a hot beverage? This is a hot, humid planet. When would I ever use this?

I guess. Well, it's great for cold beverages. Guards, open fire. Okay, let's go. Guys, guys, run! Run! Give it to me! Ah!

Ah! Guys, get in, get in! Close the door! Close the door! Margie, get us out of here. Get us out of here right now. It didn't go well. It really went to shit. We just need to get out of the blast range. Okay, all right. You know how I told you I needed time, so everything's going to be done slowly, okay? I get that. I'm sorry. Gosh, you know, I have this one day for myself,

and I'll be making it all about you. Ambassador Dexeter, I regret to inform you we have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy. Okay. Hey, Nermit. Hello. What's shakin', Nermy? What's shakin' is a big stack of paperwork. What? No, come on.

Listen, I'm sorry. I know that that mission didn't go the way that we wanted it to, but it's fine now. We're off the planet. There's no question on the form which is satisfactorily answered by the statement, I'm sorry. So here we go. Because Security Officer Dar was shot in a very questionable way, now we all get to fill out some forms.

I'm sorry. Dar, you were shot? By who? Oh, boy. In pushing his way out of the Grand Kula's palace, Ambassador Dexeter caused an energy rifle to misfire and strike Security Officer Dar. I'm sorry. Did you pull the rifle out of the hands of an enemy?

Because none of you were issued weapons. I would describe it more as a blind panic. Okay. There were a lot of weapons going off, and it really could have been any of us. All right, Ambassador Dexeter, please state your name and position. Pluck Dexeter, Ambassador. Great.

And please state your mission on the planet Flirp To establish diplomatic relations between the Federated Alliance and the people of Flirp And how would you rate the success of that mission? On a scale from 0 to 10 I don't know, like a 3 or 4? 0 Okay, probably a 0 That is correct

Wow, a 3 or a 4 Ambassador Dexeter, had you only read my preparatory file on this planet, you would know that the easiest way to gain Akuma's respect would be to fight him in single combat. Well, I obviously wasn't going to be able to succeed at that. The point is not to succeed. Had he pounded you into dust, you would have earned his respect. Certainly would have earned mine. All right, skipping down.

How many members of your own crew did you shoot? Okay, that's now we're just being... I'm going to give that a one. That's not an actual question, but we know the answer, right? Okay, yes. Great. Are we sure that it wasn't just a random... Would you like to watch the incident?

Let's watch the tape. Replaying now. Run, run! Run! And right there, you can see yourself press the trigger. You know what? I messed up. I messed up. And we all make mistakes. And I don't think we need to fill out

any more forms. Unfortunately, what you think about the forms is pretty immaterial at this point. Dar, state your full name? Dar. Oh, okay. Let's just keep it with Dar. Dar. Dar. Oh, okay. Let's just keep it with Dar. Great.

And your position? Uh, the muscle. Dar, could you please explain why in your role as security officer you did not offer more security in this situation? I could have if I had had a gun. I mean, you're not going to have weapons. You were hired because you could approach the chieftain and hug him in and squish him against some of those, like,

chest talons and make his organs pop out of his body. I knew I said I was hired because you really liked me. That's I mean, I'm fond of you. It's not why you were hired for your position, necessarily, but you were-

And Nermy, if you would just let me have a gun, the next time Plectress tries to shoot me, I can kill him. That seems extreme. We've found through research that if teams of ambassadors arrive visibly armed, it doesn't necessarily do well for the cause of the Federated Alliance. It doesn't have to be visible. I can hide the gun. To be fair, Dar has a lot of flaps. What would you call the features of your body where you might hide a gun? I guess what a Talorian would call my genitalia.

I can fit anything up there. Your personnel file lists a couple of shoots in your body. Those are outgoing. Oh, outgoing shoots. Noted. The flaps are ingoing. Great. We'll update the file. File is updated. I mean, Nermin, if you ever wanted to try it out for yourself.

I'm busy in the evenings. C-53. Yes, Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermin Ponderhoy. Uh, name, classification, rank, and summary of mission. C-53, Protocol and Diplomatic Relations Droid. Mission objective, establish diplomatic relations with planet Flurp. Mission status, failure. Is that sufficient, Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermant Bundeloy?

You don't have to say the junior every time. I do have to say the Junior Missions Operations I do have to say junior missions operations manager. There are three classifications of missions operations manager. I know. Yours is the lowest. Above junior missions operations manager are missions operations manager and senior missions operations manager. Obviously, I know that and I will be both of those in the future. Do you now understand why I have to say Junior Mission Operation Manager?

I honestly don't. I will prepare a report that perhaps will help you understand this in the future. You know what? You can go hang out with my dad, who has to say Junior every time too, okay? Never mind. Feeling to draw relevance from statement? C53, I just want to make sure that you are recording all of these interactions. The videos you provided have been very useful in establishing the degree to which Plek royally jumped up.

I can confirm. I am streaming all of this information to Federated Alliance, Council Compound number 5 at all times. Okay, so we don't necessarily need to stream this bit. It is against my specifications to suspend stream at any time. Okay, so we don't necessarily need to stream this bit. It is against my specifications to suspend stream at any time. Have I answered all of your questions? Sure. The tone of

your voice indicates that there are questions remaining that you wish to ask. Nope. Very well. Bargy, please state your full name and your position Bargaryen Jade The ship Of stars

Of memories Of fame Once used to be the most thriving ship in all of the galaxy Sorry, we have a character limit But now it's just a Broken down, out and about ship taking his misfit losers to who knows where.

Do you know the people who used to be inside of me? Lecrae LaCrosse, Jacob Moran, Jim Gennarar, Ava Gawarga. You know Jim Gennarar? Oh, I knew him very well. He used to sit on that stoop that you're sitting in right now,

and he used to say to me, Bajie, you're the ship dreams are made of. And then he died. Right there? Right there. Yes, famously, Jim Jim Narar died aboard the Bajarian Jade. Wow. I used to be the most famous ship.

I used to make movies. I used to walk the red carpet, but from the sky. Okay. All right, Bargy. Bargy, what is the recommended speed for an evacuation of this type? Yes, that's one way to say it. How fast did you go? That's not a speed. Uh, I was on a break. I was chatting up another local ship.

Do any of you guys ever hear of the Henry Buccaloo ship? He's broken down. He used to be big back in the day. We were texting back and forth. A break is not a thing that ships... Hey, it's not my fault they messed up. Yes, this is all my fault. I get it. All right, I have a lot of paperwork to file. Hang tight. I will be back. Okay.

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All right, here we go. Okay, so I've got the paperwork in, and, you know, the word is it's not technically the worst mission that's been logged. That's great. What's the worst mission that's been logged? There was a ship that exploded in the hangar. That's bad. Now that's a zero. On a scale? You mean on the scale? On a scale from one to ten.

It seems cruel to give a number to these poor members of the Federation. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's another person on my ship. What? There's another thing on my ship. I'm sorry.

When we signed the lease between each other, you said only three. Why is there four? There is supposed to only be three. I'm afraid Bargy is correct. There are three life forms and one droid aboard the ship. Here. Where? Here.

It's me. Hello? Hello. Hi. Um. Who are you? I'm the daughter of the Grim Kula. You're the Kulada.

I am. Are you kidding me? I'm a Kulada. Oh, boy. You abducted a princessada. I am. Are you kidding me? I'm a Kulada. Oh, boy. You abducted a princess? No, listen, this was a mistake. Well, I'm actually the Warchiefton's daughter. It's not a royalty.

What the juck is happening right now? Listen, I am so sorry. I don't know how you got on this ship, but we got into sort of an argument with your father, and we had to make a hasty exit. Why didn't you fight him? I tried, but I sort of hit my security officer instead. Yeah, he prefers to fight people

who work with him. Ambassador Dixit, are you or not at any point fighting? You were running away? We've talked about that a lot, and I know you're correct technically, but I would just like, you know, when history is written, we'll say, look, there was an altercation, I shot someone,

and that's all we really need to say about it. Why would the historians of the future not just use my video record of the events? Okay, yes, I... Wow, when you zoom in like that... It almost looks like you turned to ape. Oh, don't! Um, excuse me zoom in like that. It almost looks like you're in a tent. A tent? Um, excuse me.

Oh, right. Uh, the only reason I came here is because I saw the Barcharian Jade. Oh my, that's so nice of you. You know her from the movies? Yeah. Thank you. You know, it was a long time ago. The silent ones, the ones with talking. They're all amazing.

You want a signature? I can... You know what? You want some gas? Oh, my... Yes. All right. Bargy, do not inject gas inside the ship again.

The Bargerian Jade has covered the Coolada in a thick stream of her own gas. Oh, this is the Bargerian Jade's gas. I cannot. I cannot. There you go, sweetheart. A littlegerian Jade's gas. I cannot. I cannot. There you go, sweetheart. A little bit of me for you. None of my friends are going to believe this. Oh, you want to take a picture inside of me?

Oh my, can I? There we go. Oh my. This is going to be so amazing because honestly, when my father comes with all his warships, you'll be obliterated. But like, oh, this is amazing. This is the exact control panel from ship please that's a true fan shit please you guys don't even know what shit please meant to me

because i'll be honest with you bargy i was going through a really tough time yeah and i was just like what yeah what do you know mean? Yeah. It wasn't even that there was anything really happening. Yeah. But I was just more like, what? What? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Like, what? What? And my friends are like- What? But you have every- Shut up! Shut up! I'm sorry.

Shut your mouth. I'm sorry. I'll tell you this. My father will pull out your entrails and floss with them. What? Why? Your dad doesn't need to kill us. We're the good guys, okay?

We're the Federated Alliance. Wait, who the juck is the Federated Alliance? I'm so glad you asked that. The Federated Alliance defeated the evil Galactic Monarchy in the Battle of Sistu. A team of rebels flew a fighter into this. History is boring. It's boring. Juck you.

Okay. Juck you. Okay, I'm sorry. My father is going to destroy you. Okay, we've established that. You'll be the first to die. I will ensure that you will be the first to die. My father will rip you apart.

He will rip you limb from limb. Listen, can we just take you home? Can we just take you home? I'm having a good time. But I don't want your father to kill us. But I'm having a good time. She's having a good time. Can someone cover the culottes' ears?

Please. Silence. I know this might sound harsh, but I think we should eject the culotte into deep space. What? We can do that? There's this loophole because there's honestly a lack of data on this particular species, so we don't technically know that she can't breathe out there.

Yeah, let's watch it. Bargy, let's open the hatch. No, no, come on. Bargy, no, don't do that. Don't do that. No. Close it. Close it.

Close it. You locked her outside the ship. No. No, open it. Bring her back in. No, bring it back in. Hey, listen, sorry. What the jock?

I am so sorry. What the jock? There was a misunderstanding. We were, we... You injected me into space. Her own tears are frozen to her face. I promise you this. First of all, I to her face. I promise you this. First of all, I have three hearts.

I promise by all three of them that my father will board the ship. Destroy all of you. Okay. No, destroy the pink one. Okay. Is that me? Yeah. You're the only pink one. You're the only pink one.

I'm not even close to pink. No. Destroy the pink one. Burst him. I wouldn you're the pink one. You're the only pink one. I'm not even close to pink. No. Destroy the pink one. Burst him. I wouldn't call myself pink. You're pink enough. You're pretty. I feel you.

Yeah, of all of us in here, you're the pinkest. Okay, sure. You're gonna be burst. You're just gonna be burst. My father will... What does that mean? He will puncture a small hole in you and fill you with air until you pop. Huh.

And then take your entrails and like do a like sensual dance with them like oh like between his legs yeah between his legs listen cool out it i'm sorry shut up i'm not done calm down calm down my whoops you we can just talk to this and you bargerian jade just for the record shit please two was a disaster it was a disaster it was a crew grab shit please two was a disaster. It was a crew grab. Shit Please 2 was a crew grab and everybody knew it. Everybody knew it. You know what?

I figured it out. Everyone, uh, hey. What? You're a fan of mine, right? Yeah. You like my work, right? Yeah. You probably always wanted to be your own spaceship, right? Yeah. Now's your chance.

No, I don't... Oh, God. It could be a spaceship. Oh, a spaceship. Oh, a spaceship. Oh, God. Um, I honestly do not know what form to fill out in this situation. General Missions Operations Manager,ermin Bundeloy,

as the Kulana exited the spacecraft of her own free will, it would seem we are not required to file a form. You're welcome, Bajie. Yeah, wow. Oh, everyone's really saying it. Man, Barge, I gotta say, she was a fan. I know. Big fan. I know. Big fan. I know.

That was one of the purest uses of fame I've ever seen. Not my first time. You murdered fans? You kept someone into space? Why, is that surprising to you? I don't know why I'm surprised by that. That was the long line of my third movie. Wow.

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Not the greatest news. Just received orders that this ambassador team is suspended until further notice. Without pay? Over and out. Without pay. Over and out. Without pay. Guys, look. I really... Ambassador Dexter, incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager,

Hermit Bundeloy. Uh, hello? Good news. Suspension lifted. Apparently they are of arbitrary length. Oh. That... Could have been years.

Wait, they're just a different length every time? Does this mean we get to go on another mission? Then let's do it. Wait, why? Why do you have to... That's the way you move. Yeah, isn't that important to you? How do you think I keep this figure? I mean, come on.

All right, tell the nobodies I'll be dead. See you then. and attribution story commencing Outro Protocol. Ambassador Plek Dexeter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 Diplomatic Relations and Protocol Droid was played by Jeremy Bend. Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Ship was played by Mujan Zulfagari.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermin Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind. The Grand Kula and the Kulada were both played by Winston Null. Mission to Six is recorded at Bronze Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell. This episode edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Gois. Mission to Six is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom. Have a question for the crew? They have email. Send an email to crew at mission to ziggs dot space. you locked her outside the ship no it's no open it bring her back in no bring it back in. No, bring her back in. Hey, listen, sorry. Sorry. What the junk? What the junk?