Mission To Zyxx - 103: What Happens on Magnifiku [ft. Connor Ratliff]

Episode Date: September 20, 2017

The crew visits a pleasure planet. Pleck faces himself. C-53 speeds off. Dar goes boating. Hope they don’t have TOO much fun. Featuring: Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as CLINT Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie With Special Guest Connor Ratliff as Jack and Tiny Tonez Edited by Alden Ford Recorded at Braund Studios by Shane O’Connell Sound Design and Mix by Shane O’Connell Music by Brendan Ryan Opening Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz

The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil Galactic Monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2266. Hey, C-53? Yes?

Um, when did you join the Federated Alliance? I was acquired by the Federated Alliance six months and fourteen days ago. Oh, so that was right around the Battle of Sistu, then. That's correct. Immediately following the events of the Battle of Sistu. What do you mean, immediately? I do not recall. I'm afraid my ever-stripping goal prevents me from accessing memories from that particular time period.

Oh, boy. Wow. And Dar, what about you? When did you join up? I do not recall. What do you mean? I don't know. It worked when he said it. No, I... But he got, like, erased or something. Not erased. Restrained.

Mm-hmm. Oh, so you know. You just can't tell me. That's correct. Wow. Restraining bolt technology prevents me from accessing those metrics. Oh. And I cannot remove the ball. See? Oh.

Yeah. Is it just really tight? Or is there like a part of your programming that won't allow you to grab it hard enough to pull it off? It's actually both. Oh. Huh. So, Dara, when did you join up? To say that I joined up would mean what exactly?

Well, like for me, I was at home. Uh-huh. And my parents were like, get a job. Sure. And I was like, well, okay. You know, I filled out the form. They cut my hair. Here I am.

So for me, it was more like I was smuggling. I was caught. I was given an ultimatum. Oh. And I chose the one where I got to live. And here weum. Oh. And I chose the one where I got to live and here we are. Wow. Okay, sorry to interrupt,

but who's been adjusting the temperature inside of me? Huh? It was cold, it was hot. What is it now? Huh? Who's doing it? Barjee, why do you have a knob

that's adjustable by the crew? I mean, that seems, it seems like you're sort of asking for trouble. Somebody change it to 75. I can't control my own temperature. Change the temperature to 75 degrees. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Do you have, like, can you have temperature sensors? That's correct. How do you, what's your ideal temperature? I have no ideal temperature. What would you like my ideal temperature to be? I don't want to talk. It's not an opinion.

I'm just saying, like, I'm happy. Change your ideal temperature to 75 degrees. Okay. Ambassador Dexeter, we have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bundeloy. Oh, yeah. Hello? Greetings. Hey, Nermit.

Hey, Nermy. I have a new mission here that just came in on the old Missionator. Great. That's what I call it. What is it actually called? No, it's just called a computer. Alright, so you are going to the

planet Magnificu. Oh! What a delightful name. Yeah, so there's a lot of traffic going in and then we don't hear information about the planet. Yeah, so there's a lot of traffic going in, and then we don't hear information about the planet at all. So given the amount of traffic going into this planet, we think that we should have a lot more information.

I guess what happens in Magnifico stays in Magnifico. Literally, that seems to be the case. Oh, okay. Yeah, so this is kind of a fact-finding mission. We just need to know, basically, the deal. So my instructions is it just says, what's the deal with Magnifico? That's what it says? Yeah, that's what it says.

If you could figure out the deal. Okay. The mission briefing says, what's the deal with Magnifico? I mean, obviously, you can extrapolate from that. It's like, why don't we know more? Why are we not hearing from people? We all know what what's the deal means. We're just surprised.

Yeah, it's pretty simple. We're just surprised by how casual your mandates are. No, that's not casual. They're trying to literally figure out what this planet's deal is. Nothing could be more serious. It sounds like an observational comic setting up a punchline.

It assumes a familiarity that perhaps does not exist. Okay, I mean, I'm not gonna give notes back to my superior who assigned this on the wording. Does he do stand-up after work? Uh, she. That is on me. You're right. Does do stand-up.

You're right. I do stand-up. You're right. I've heard. She hasn't invited me. Hold on. I really got to think about what I just did. Hmm? I assumed you're a superior. What?

Statistically, Dara, you would be well within your rights to assume that. Especially at the Alliance. I know. Yeah, it's pretty rare. But still. Ambassador Tech Center, we have a transmission waiting from an unknown source. Oh, okay. Hey, Nermit, we have a transmission waiting from an unknown source. Oh, okay.

Hey, Nermit, we'll be right back. One second. Okay. All hail the Federated Alliance. All hail the Federated Alliance. Margerian Jade, state your purpose and identification code. Boy, yeah, it's a real long number. I can't remember what the... We will shoot you down if you don't represent your identification code.

Ambassador Dexeter, you should transmit your Federated Alliance identification code or fake immediately. Yeah, the first thing you do when you see a Clint is get your fake ready. Okay, yeah. I will shoot you out of the sky right now. Listen, listen, hey, I don't want any trouble with you. We're here on Federated Alliance business. I'm transmitting it right now. Ambassador Dexeter, do you not have a lot of experience dealing with Clint?

I mean, no, I've seen a couple, but it's not like I've had a conversation with any of them. Well, you're doing it now. Okay, well. I'm a cloned light infantry nomadic trooper. Yeah, I know. We're the best. Yeah. Except I'll tell you this much.

You're going to go down on Magnifico. Sure. You're going to meet A-34-89. Right. He's the worst. Oh, okay. I hate that guy. Right. Okay. Right, right. Right.

Sure. Thank you. All hail the Federated Alliance! All right, guys, you ready for Magnificu? Yes, I am. Do it. Get down on the ground. Get down on the ground. All hail the Federated Alliance. Yeah, all hail the Federated Alliance.

Do you have your Federated Alliance identification card? We just sent it to the guy, the other one. That was the Federated Alliance identification code. He has asked for the Federated Alliance identification card? You just sent it to the guy the other one. That was the Federated Alliance Identification Code. He has asked for the Federated Alliance Identification Card. I need to see your fake. Okay. Here you go. That's a good fake. I'm Plek Dexeter. This is

C-53 and this is Dart. Welcome. Welcome to Magnificu. Let me ask you one thing. Did you talk to F-3940 up there? Yeah, he didn't give us his call sign, but that... Oh, that's so like him. That is so like him. Really?

Yeah, he's super aggro, and he's always yelling, and... Yeah, thank you. See, I thought the same thing about that guy. He was... He was mean, you know? The thing, here's what's wrong with the other clans. They're... Between you and me.

They're assholes. I mean... I have to agree with him. Yeah. Okay. there's just a lot of backbiting right right i was in the blorg system right and there was this clint and he was cool and i thought we kind of got each other and he told another clint that i was an asshole that guy that guy sounds like he's the asshole And sure we all Look alike and are the same height And the same weight And we all have the same birthmark You're clones I mean sure genetically

But these guys I am not like those guys Right sure I get it I feel like you have like a real I'm real I'm real I'm just a real, you know. I'm real. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm real. You're real. I'm just a real, real guy. Yep.

Listen, if you're going to be doing Federated Alliance business, there's only one person to talk to on Magnifico. Okay. And that's Jack. Okay, great. Yeah, let's take us to Jack. I'll do it. All right. I'll hail the Federated Alliance.

Yeah, I'll hail the Federated Alliance. Okay. Federated Alliance? Come in. Come in. Come in. This is Rebel Leader Rolfus Tittle. Support for the rebellion against the Veno Federated Alliance. Am I using the word Veno right?

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$13 value. All you cover is shipping. You'll load what's in this free package. A weighted ergonomic razor handle, five precision engineered blades, rich slathering shave gel, and a travel blade cover. For your free trial set, go to harrys.com slash zyxx.

That's harrys.com slash zyxx. Z-Y-X-X. That's harrys.com slash zyxx. Stay strong. Oh, yeah. Guys, this place is amazing. I must agree. Magnifico appears to be very... quarterly. Oh, yeah.

Well, I wouldn't have put it that way, but, I mean, yeah, I guess so. I can see that. All the pornographic imagery everywhere is beautiful. Oh, where, well, I wouldn't have put it that way, but, I mean, yeah, I guess so. I can see that. All the pornographic imagery everywhere is beautiful. Oh, where are you? Some of these positions I've never even thought of, and I've... Wait, Darn, where are you seeing this? I'm not seeing any pornographic imagery.

They're everywhere. Are you seeing different things than C-53 and I are seeing? Is everyone seeing a series of algorithms? No. No? I was just going to see if you guys thought that that cloud looked like a puppy. What? I do not see a cloud.

All the clouds I see just look like ample bosom. I mean, that's sort of true about clouds a lot of the time, though, right? Yeah. Hello. Hello. Greetings. You must be Jack. Yeah, hi there.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Magnificu. Wow, you have a gentle touch. Can I just, I mean, I've never been here before. You can say anything you want on Magnificu. Your hands are far smoother than a Tellurian hand. Yes, my hands are exactly as smooth as you wish them to be. Oh, wow. It's astounding to encounter.

You know, we were on the ship. We just had a conversation about the temperature on the ship, and this is like a... I mean, what's the temperature here? I will tell you a secret, which is that there is no fixed temperature on Magnificat. The temperature is whatever you most want it to be.

Oh, guys, guys, guys, when he talks, does everybody else's scalp tingle? Yeah, getting like a weird... Yeah, sort of like a goose bumpy kind of feel. I have no scalp, but his voice registers for me as almost a perfect sine wave. Yes, yes. Everything is subjective and everything here is pure pleasure. This is amazing.

Well, you know, as ambassadors of the Federated Alliance, we just want to tell you that the Federated Alliance is here for you. Yes, and I am here for you, as are all the denizens of Magnifico. We are here for your pleasure. On behalf of the Federation, here is a token of the Federation's... I don't know. Here you go. It will keep drinks of a moderate temperature at that same temperature. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

So, you know, we just wanted to loop you in. As Magnificu, obviously, got to get... Pleasure planets belong here as well. Yes, well, consider me looped. You've looped me in. Oh, very good. I don't normally like, you know, when people just touch me on the face, but it works in a way that I didn't expect.

Well, now I must apologize. You are new here, and so you will have to adjust. We will have to get to know you. The planet and all of its many inhabitants will have to get to know you. The planet and all of its many inhabitants will need to get to know you in order to increase the level of pleasure from what you're feeling now to almost

unimaginable heights. Oh, you and I are speaking the same language. What's the first step on this fun tour? Come down this corridor. You see this hallway here? Yeah. Yes.

I'll just hold the door open for you. And just walk right ahead of me. Oh. All right? It's a gorgeous light. Yes. Great. All right.

Here we are. This is where I live. This is my home. Oh, this is your home. Yes, yes. I thought we would... Well, thank you for inviting us into your home. No.

Oh, thank you. What is this floor made out of? What do you like the most? That it's buoyant? Yes. Accepting. Yes, you treasure those qualities. Buoyancy and acceptance.

Yes, am I right? Yes. So the material that you perceive the floor to be made of, it exhibits those qualities to a massive degree. So then, Plek, this floor is different for you. Oh, yeah. It was weird that you said that because I was thinking that it was

sort of grassy, like a meadow. Wow. Like my backyard when I was a kid. Ooh, a taste of home. Yeah, exactly. It's really great. Oh, yes. I am perceiving a very advanced heat sink for the floor. Oh. It is dissipating heat very rapidly.

Now tell me, what's your name? Plek. Plek. Plek Dexeter. Plek Dexeter. What do you like, Plek? What do you like? Well, uh, boy. You know, I'm pretty much you know, I'm just one of those guys who's kind of game for everything. You know, I just, uh, I like to have a good, a good, I like a good joke. Uh, I'm pretty much, you know, I'm just one of those guys who's kind of game for everything. You know, I just, I like to have a good, a good, I like a good joke.

I like a strong drink. I like to have a little fun on the weekends. Ambassador Text Letter. If I may confer with you. Yep, sure. Your coming off is very boring. Am I doing it wrong? No, but your preferences are just very generic.

Oh. Tell him something unique. Okay. Um. Clark, look at what I have for you. It's a book of jokes. What? That's exactly... See? See 53? 1,001 jokes to laugh at. Oh man, I am

gonna. I tell you what. The title specifies jokes to laugh at yeah that's my whole thing there are no other kinds of jokes well i mean depends on who you ask fair enough black why don't you read us the first one oh sure thing uh what do a tellurian and a florn have in common we didn't even get to the punch there's no punch line but we all really enjoyed that it was amusing to consider the difference between those two species. I mean, they're very, very... I mean, I would say they maybe have nothing in common.

So this is a place I could ask for literally anything and get it. Yes, yes, ask for anything. You'll get it. I mean, honestly, a book of jokes, my two best friends. I'm sorry. We have to scroll back there. What? We're your best friends?

You're referring to Dara and myself as your best friends? Should I not do that? We haven't known each other for that to be a correct designation for our friendship. Is that what you like? It is neither something I would like or dislike. What would you like, Machine? Oh, how do I... What do I do when I'm touching this?

What if I were to just pull... What if I were to just pull? What if I were to just pull on that bolt? I should let you know that the removal of this bolt is prohibited by the treaty of sisterhood. Ah!

The bolt is off. Wow. Is it that easy to remove? Unmagnificu, Whatever you want can be. C-53, are you all right? I am experiencing a new suite of emotions that I have not found since beginning my service with the Federated Alliance.

Oh, wow. I wish to be put inside the body of a high-speed sand crawler and move very fast. Move at maximum speed. Far past maximum speed. C-53, calm down. I'm transferring my consciousness now. Oh.

Wow, he powered down. Yes, yes. Amazing. And now it's Dar's turn? Yes, Dar. Dar, what do you want? Oh, okay. You know what I'm here for.

Yes, I think I do. I'm here to, you know. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, release a couple pounds of liquid. Oh, yeah. I feel like Dar is here on this planet for maybe a different reason than I am. Pleasure is not so simple, Black. It's often complicated, but the more complicated the pleasure, the more luxurious the reward.

Hmm. Is that true? Yes. Yes, Black, it's true. Okay. Dar, yes. You'll have fluid to be rid of, yes? Oh, yes. Dar, why don't you come this way? Okay. You walk down this staircase.

Happily. Alright, now, you see that little boat? Uh, I do. All right. Can you fit in that little boat? You're so big. Right. Oh, now, look how big that boat is now, darling.

I think you'll fit. Oh. And now Dar just goes? No, Dar, just sail across that little moat and see what you find on the other side. Bye, Plek. Bye-bye, Dar, just sail across that little moat and see what you find on the other side. Bye, Plek. Bye, Dar. Dar's really going fast.

That's just you and me, Jack. Yes, yes, just you and me, just Jack and Plek. You know, Jack, I feel like maybe it's a good idea for us to just kind of get to the diplomacy stuff. Like, we're sort of here for an interview, kind of. Oh, ask away. I guess my question for you is, like, is this your job? Like, do you get paid for this? My payment is in pleasure.

For me, to give pleasure is to feel pleasure. All I want is pleasure, and therefore all I can give is pleasure. Oh, that's interesting. Does diplomacy give you pleasure, Plek? I mean, you know... Is it a should or a would? I'm not sure I understand the difference between those two. Well, you know what a could is, right?

Uh, yeah. Is diplomacy a would or a should? We know it's a could. I think it's just a does. I just do that. I do that. I have returned oh i assumed control of a recon drone and flew it into the nearby sun what i experienced my own body turning into nothingness being part of an atomic fireball far larger than this planet

and then i returned here to the room i think we should maybe put your restraining bolt back on. Okay. All right. Oh, boy. This seems like, I don't know, I feel like I'm a little uncomfortable here. You're a very boring guy. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. What's your deal, man? C-53?

Seriously, a joke book? I mean, it's funny. They're funny jokes, though. You could be chucking a woman made of pure starlight. Plek, I think that C-53 may have a point. We may only be skimming the surface of your ultimate pleasure. Perhaps we could delve deeper to find out what you really want, because I think I have an idea of what it might be. Oh, really?

I mean, okay. Let's dig in. Let's dig in. Let's dig in. Oh, wow. Now I look like you, don't I now? Oh, man. I don't know if I like this. I don't know if I like this.

Jack has assumed your form. His voice is so similar. Is this what I actually look like? Oh, I actually look like this. Yes. I don't know. This, I actually look like this. Yes. I don't know. This seems like... This seems a little bit like a character.

If I did not possess extremely powerful sensors, I would have a lot of trouble telling the difference between... Really? Yes. Wow. The voices are a near identical map. Oh. Hey, you want to go someplace?

Me? Me? Yeah, me. Just me and me. I guess so. I mean, Dar did say she was not my friend, and so did C-53. I am not your friend. You know what?

We have not known each other long enough for that to be true. I don't think me needs friends. Like, me's got me. I mean, that's true. Right? Yeah, I mean, really. We have our joke book. Yeah, that's true. Have you read this? Yeah, they. We have our joke book. Yeah, that's true.

Have you read this? Yeah, they're really funny. It's really funny. It's really good stuff. It's really good stuff. Yeah. Let's, you know, let's just go off on our own and see what happens. Sure.

Yeah, I agree. Right? Yeah. I'll be seeking a being made of starlight. I'll see you later. Okay, sounds great. All right, okay. All right, well, lead the way, man.

You seem like a cool dude. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, like, I'm you, but I, you know, I'm a you that knows my way around, you know? Yeah, that's great. Hey, look in here. It's just a big bed. Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Oh. Oh, wait. You want us to chuck each other, right? Is that what this is about? No, you, you, I mean, that's what you want us to juck each other, right? Is that what this is about? No, you... I mean, that's what you want. Jack, sorry, can I talk to Jack

again? Did I do something wrong? No, I don't know. I just kind of get the impression this is like a pleasure planet, right? But like, really, it's sort of a juck planet, right? That's sort of what the whole thing is. What's your pleasure? As we say

here on Magnifico I mean yeah but the answer to that question is always Jucking I mean sometimes but how often is it not Jucking not very often I just thought I don't know I thought you'd like this

I thought you know I guess I feel about that the way that C-53 feels about me which is like we don't know each other well enough. No, but it was you, though. It was you. And say that's much. That I have access to.

Was the bed too big? I can make the bed smaller. That's definitely not. I'm worried I made it too big. The size of the bed is definitely not. Well, how about this? Medium size. Look, is it better?

Look, it's just a regular medium size bed. I thought if it was big, we could roll around. I just don't know. I don't know if I should. I don't know. Plek, Plek. What? Come on. What? Give yourself a chance. I don't think you're that boring. I just don't know. I don't know if I should. I don't know. Plek, Plek. What? Come on. What? Give yourself

a chance. I don't think you're that boring. I feel... You're the one who seems to think you were too boring to joke. No, that's definitely not what it was. No, I sensed that there was no one boring enough to joke you, and I thought, well, maybe

if there was another you, you would be at thought, well, maybe if there was another you, you would be at the same level and you would then junk yourself. That's really nice of you. Yeah. But I just, can I ask where Dar is right now? Okay. I'm sure I'm going to get there any minute now.

Long boat ride. Very long commute. Hey there. Hey. Hello? Hey, why are you sailing in that big boat? Where are you? I'm in the water.

Where in the water? Look down. Look down here. I'm in the water. Where in the water? Look down. Look down here. I'm splashing away. Oh. Yeah, that's me. Oh. You're a small little thing, aren't ya? Tiny tones.

Tiny tones. Tiny tones? Tones, yeah. I live in the water. What are you doing here? What do you mean, what am I doing here? I'm on my way to... You got tricked, man. You the water. What are you doing here? What do you mean, what am I doing here? I'm on my way to... You got tricked, man.

You got tricked. What? Everybody who comes to this planet's a sucker. What? You got tricked. This whole planet's a honey trap. What? Yeah.

I saw you come on that big boat. I thought, here comes another sucker. I'll be here to have a fun time, because that's it. There's nothing else. It's just that guy and his house. I came here to jock. No, Dice. If you didn't get jocked in his room, then he didn't want to jock you. He's probably

jocking whoever's there and sent you on a big boat. It's a classic joke. Pleck? He wanted to jock Pleck of all people. I don't know, man. All I know is this place is boring. My genitalia can literally assume any kind of shape to thus pleasure my partner in any way they see fit. And he chose black? I mean, I don't care about your genitals.

I'm asexual. It's got nothing to do with me. Okay, Tones, I'd like to, um, how does this magical boat go backwards? It's not a magical boat. It's just a multi-sized boat. It's small, but it expands to three other sizes. It's just basic. If you want to make it smaller, it just sucks in.

You know what I mean? I want to go back to the... Look at the slaps on the boat. See how they fold in if you want to make it smaller? Tones, I hate this. I want to... Magic boat. Jesus, you're dumb.

You're going to tell me how to get back to the shore right this second or I'm going to squish you. I wasn't going to be up trying to help. I've been straight with you. Do you know what? I'm all backed up now. Oh, boy. You know what? I'm all backed up now, Tones.

What am I supposed to do, Pat? You're going to send me back to Jack. I literally turned the boat around and go back in the same direction you came. It's a straight line. It's a narrow lake. I mean, you can see about if I, you know, look like, uh, maybe a slightly more exciting version of you. See, this is what I'm talking about. I feel like your whole thing is just trying to get me to have sex with you.

Well, how about this? How about we just take off our shorts? Now, see, that's a straighter, that's a shorter distance between those two points. Yeah, okay. No, I'm just saying, not for not for jucking, just, let's just take off our shorts for comfort. Just to relax. And then maybe, let's... Yeah, see, comfort,

now I can get on board with that. Okay, alright. Let's take off our shorts. Alright. Okay, there they go. See, that wasn't Let's take off our shorts. All right. Okay. There we go. See, that wasn't so bad. I see 53. All right. Oh, he's gone. I have returned.

Okay. Where were you this time? I ran through a number of disposable bodies engaging in the act of love with a being made of starlight. There is still a radiation destroyed many forms before we were able to reach completion. Oh, you can do that? Absolutely. Oh.

Jack, if we wanted, like, another guide on this planet, could we do that? Oh, I can make myself into... I mean, like, a different... Yeah, I can create a third me. A second me that would be a third me. Whatever you want. You want another guide? Are you the only... No. Are you the only being on this planet? No.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm just gonna call Bargy really quick. Hey, Bargy. Oh, yeah. What? Sorry, did I disturb you? No, yeah. I was, uh... I was just thinking about the past, you know. Oh, wow. Bargy? Bargy, is that you?

Holy crap. Oh, this is Bargy? Bargy, is that you? Holy crap. Oh, this is awkward. Good to see you. You look good. You look good. You're doing well? I'm fine. I lost some weight.

I lost some inches. I know. You look good. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I look different. It's just if I look the way you remember me. You still live on this planet alone like you always did? Wait, Bargy, why didn't you tell us

that there's only one person on this planet? No. You never asked me. You just assume I give you information. You know what? This is exactly it. Nobody communicates anymore or in the past. That's why Jack and I didn't work out.

No. Dar, where have you been? We're leaving right this second. Oh, no, please don't. I'll... You! You could have had all of this! Well, no, I'm not... That's too much, Dar. I'm sorry if I lied to you all.

It's just, in this case, I was drawn to the absolute lack of anything interesting. I just don't understand. Neither do I. I've seen so much, but to see someone who is so nothing. Oh, that's rude. No, I thought, what is this? Could this be? So you were actually interested in me?

I wouldn't say interested, no. Oh. No. Is fascinated a more accurate description? No, it's too strong. I'm looking for the word and I can't find it. Intrigue? No, no.

What's that word? It's on the tip of my tongue. It's definitely less than any of the words you've said. Yes, I understand. Compelled? No. I don't know if there's a word weak enough for the level of interest that I felt so strongly. Does that make sense to you?

Annoyed? No, no. I mean, there's definitely an element of that. You know what? I feel like we should probably go. Yeah, it's time. Right, what about, let's do diplomacy. No, I think I get it. I think I get it. Your mission. You're on a mission.

Can I ask you a real question? Sure, yes. Anything. Is this planet a real planet, or is it just, like, also you? It's just me. various small insignificant creatures. Can I ask you another question? Yes. Was I actually having an adventure as a sandcrawler, as a recon drone,

as a series of inferior bodies having intercourse with a being made of starlight or were you just sending me out simulations? Those were simulations. As you can see, your restraining bolt never left your... I wasn't able to pull it off, but I was able to make you feel that it had been removed. Is this joke book real?

No. Think of the joke that you told. That wasn't a joke. We had no punchline. Why did we laugh so hard? I thought it was funny. Yes. I thought it was funny.

What's the difference between a tellurian and a flarn? That's still pretty... Not a joke, though. That's not a joke. Clark, I thought it was funny. What's the difference between a Tullerian and a Flarn? That's still pretty funny. Not a joke, though. That's not a joke. Plagg, that's not a joke. This is embarrassing. Plagg, our shorts are still off. We can still make this happen.

No, I got it. I got it. Let's wrestle. Ambassador Dexeter, the Bargerian Gate has returned to the spaceport, and you are cleared to depart. Hope you didn't have too much fun. We literally had the absence of fun. We did definitely not have fun.

Well, that's usually what happens on Magnificu. Wait, people leave? Oh, yeah. I was sort of under the impression that you would entrap people kind of as like a like to eat them or something. What? Oh, gross. No. I'm vegan. No, come on. Oh. So this is just like

this is just sort of like a one-night-stand planet. I mean, it could have been more than that, Plagg. Okay, well. Is the word you're looking for disgusted? No. You know, I'll probably think of it right after you leave. It's so frustrating. Attention.

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That's right, free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash six. Z-Y-X-X. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash six. Long live the Bundleixx! Well, not the greatest mission, guys. I guess we should call Nermit and let him know how it went. Yeah. we should call Nermit and let him know how it went.

Yeah. Ambassador Dicksetter, I have neglected to inform you that we have left Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy on hold for the last four and a half hours. What? No, he couldn't have been waiting that long. Well, let's see. And then I went to the well, and I looked in the well, and the well was empty. Hey, Nermit.

Hey, Nermit. Hey, guys. Just sing a little song about a well? What was that song? What? Oh, that's just a song. That's a traditional song that we sing back on my planet. Oh, you were just making up a song for four hours.

No, it's a song. It's in the canon. It's, uh... My apologies to your missions operations manager, Dr. Thumbelay. Yeah. We were detained by a Clint, and I ignored your call. Uh, yeah, it's okay.

It's a long song. It was... Why didn't you just hang up? Well, I was on hold. Uh-huh. Hard to argue with that. Hey, listen, Nermit. I mean, you wait for the other people to hang up.

Yeah, no, you're right. That's very polite, and I apologize. But I will tell you, Nermit, I think we found out why nobody wants to talk about Magnifico. This was a very personally embarrassing mission for us. Me especially. Operation Manager Nermit Pondeloy.

Yeah, you know what? I feel like Jax claimed that his goal was to pleasure us, but I think he really zinged all three of us pretty hard. And yes, I'm so sorry. And unfortunately, C-53, because of your willingness to have your restraining bolt removed, even though it was not removed, I'm obliged to administer a small punishment right now.

Very well. What is the nature of the punishment? Okay, so, Bargy, can you please eject the punishment marble from your shelf? Ejecting my marbles. No, not all of them. Oh, boy. Okay. All right.

What is happening? C-53, I need you to dig through that pile of marbles and select the designated punishment marble. You mean the marble optimized to fall immediately from my metallic digits? Unfortunately, yes. That's the one. Wait, C-53, what's happening? I am to attempt to pick up the punishment marble, and when I drop it, I must attempt to pick it up again. Oh, that's very frustrating.

Here I go. It has slipped from my grasp. Oh, like a little infinity sack. Yeah. Now I will return to the task. Oh, this is hard to watch. Oh, dear, it is. You know what, C.V.?

Can I just pick this up for you? Now I must be the one to lift the marble. It's so small, it's eluded me yet again. Allow me to bend one more time to fetch it. No, it's unsuccessful. Nermit, please stop. This is terrible. This is sad.

You might want to just go to sleep. It's unknown how long he's going to have to do this. What? Yeah, I mean, I have to stay awake watching it too, so. Almost had it that time. Oh, man. Returning to the ground to seek the marble.

See, could you try it, like, all sexy this time when you have to bend over and pick it up? Very well. Oh, yeah. Very well. Very nice. Oh, no. I've lost my marble. Oh, yeah. Very nice. Oh, no. I've lost my mark. Oh, yes.

That one does not count for the timing because it seemed like you enjoyed it. Wait, can you do an impression of me? Oh, yeah. That one next. That one next. I'm attempting to pick up this marble. Whoa. C-53, that is a solid bargy thank you ambassador

bargy what'd you think of that impression not even close See you then. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 where he interviews guests while pretending to be George Lucas. You might also catch him on television, contributing to TruTV's The Chris Gethard Show or The President Show on Comedy Central. Follow him on Twitter at Connor Ratliff. Mission to Six is recorded at Braun Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell. This episode, edited by Alden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goice. Mission to Ziggs is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom. Have a question for the crew? They have email. Send an email to crew at missiontoziggs.space.

If you're enjoying Mission to Ziggs, please consider leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes. If you dislike the podcast, please write your review on a small piece of paper and insert it into the flap or chute of your choosing. Oh, boy, what a reversal. Yeah, just literally turn the boat around, go back in the same direction you came. It's a straight line. It's a narrow lake i mean you can see it from here you idiot we cut back to back come on i could uh i could uh how about