Mission To Zyxx - 107: The (Redacted) [ft. Michael Cruz Kayne]

Episode Date: October 18, 2017

The crew goes on an important and mysterious retrieval mission. Bargie reveals an old nickname. Dar and C-53 put their knowledge of Frantaks and Garfons to the test. Nermut updates his personnel file. Featuring: Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as C.L.I.N.T.s Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie With special guest Michael Cruz Kayne as Chad Edited by Seth Lind Recorded at Braund Studios by Shane O’Connell Sound Design and Mix by Shane O’Connell Music by Brendan Ryan Additional music by Shane O’Connell Opening Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz

The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil Galactic Monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2. And that's a photo of me when I was younger. This is me on the red carpet.

Hey, hey. This is me with my date chandelier bidet. Wow. He was a great guy. What happened to him? He was shot to death by a Torquick. Oh. Honestly, best way to go.

Shot to death is the best way to go? Honestly. By a Torquick. Torquicks have sort of like those ray guns, right, that just totally vaporize you immediately. Oh, yeah, and they give you immense pleasure and then you die. Oh, I want to be shot by a Torclick. Bargy, who's that one ship that you used to have that rivalry with? Uh, Tiny Toots.

Yes! Where is she? Let's just say, uh, you know the number one team of the Federator Alliance? That's the ship. Oh. Oh, you see them on all the posters? Yeah. Turk Maniket.

All the Holonudes. He's the lead ambassador, Turk Maniket. Yep. Anyway, Tiny Toot's got like five levels. She can hold like 200 people. Whatever. It's ironic that her name is Tiny Toots. No, she used to be really tiny.

They just added on. Upgrades. They added on. They added on. I understand. I used to get upgrades. That's why I have that wing. Oh, yeah, the one wing.

The one wing. Did you used to not have the wing? Yeah, I had zero wings. Oh, you're just the tube part. Stealthy. That's cool. they used to call me the sensual barge really ambassador dexeter i have an incoming transmission from junior missions operations manager oh hey mermit what's up hey team hey did you know that they used to call Bargy the Sensual Barge? Did not see that in her personnel file. Adding it now.

You can just update the personnel file, C-53? Of course. Would you like me to update yours? Do you have anything new to report? Wow. I have been doing an excellent job. I'm afraid that's not the kind of thing I can add to a personnel file.

That can only be added by a superior officer. Right, I was joking. Can you also read excerpts from personal files? No, don't. Please don't. I would love to know a little bit more personal detail about our junior missions operator. Very well.

Junior missions operations manager Annabelle Bundeloy, has been disciplined a number of times for failing to report for physical examinations. What? What? Why? Those are very invasive.

I don't understand why the instruments have to read you from the inside. Mermit, you're not that much of a prude. Come on. It's just a very large thing to sit on and have go inside you How large are we talking? Yeah, Nermin, I don't think I've ever really How big are you?

Whoa No, I'm just I don't mean it like that Not really, Nermin, how big are you? No, like how tall are you? I'm 19 inches tall What? I'm 19 inches tall

What? You're so inches tall. What? You're so much smaller than I thought. What do you mean? That's average for my species. I just, I guess the camera that you're on is, like, zoomed way in, because I always thought you were sort of, like, Tellurian-sized. You should stand next to a ruler, so we know. In my third grade class, I was the second tallest person out of four.

Okay, that's... Out of four? Nermit, to go back to his original question, though, how big are you? I really don't care. That's not what he meant, and I'm not going to answer it. Is that in his personnel file? Do not read that part of the personnel file.

Two inches? That's... I mean, for a 19 inch... Proportionally. Wowie, wow. I'm slightly embarrassed by how large it is. Nermit, that's like... Nermit... On my planet, you want a small one.

Not on my planet. Nermit, your genitalia is more than 10% the size of your body. Okay. I really want to meet you now. I'll bet you're adorable. What's our mission, buddy? Okay.

It's an exciting one. We can switch to the old mission talk here. Okay. We've been ready for mission talk the entire time. Okay. This isn't anything that you've done before. You are going to retrieve a relic what? yes

you're going to retrieve a relic that is very important to the federation and let me just pull up the file here you will be finding the um just looks like it's there's a security clearance here that I haven't let me put in a password uh it's not letting me

okay so that's redacted. You will be going to... This is all redacted. And then you will bring back the... A couple paragraphs are all redacted. Apparently I can upload this to C53, but it's beyond my security clearance, which is strange because I'm your superior officer. Receiving transmission now.

C53, you have higher security clearance than our boss. That really shouldn't be. Well, I am allowed to receive information that is fully encrypted, so even I don't know the contents. Then what's the point of receiving them? I am transmitting destination coordinates to Barger and Jade now. Oh, here again? Oh, boy. You've been there? Here again?

I've been to this place? I vacationed here a couple summers ago. Oh. Of course, there's no summers here. You know what I mean? This is a place with no summer. It's a horrible place. Oh.

Honestly, I had the worst time there. Also, I had a movie there that tanked. So I'm not really the most favorite person in that place. I'm hated here, so I'm just going to hover outside. All right, let's go. Alright, see you later, Nermy. Bye! Please connect if you have anything you want to show me

about the relic or anything. Nermit, you connect with us if you want to. Please don't. Okay. Bye! Bye! We're hailing the Bargerian Jade. Oh, wow. All hail the Federated Alliance.

All hail the Federated Alliance. You're speaking to Clint number 7797. Oh, it's just the last four. Yeah, that's an easier way to do it. That makes sense. What are you doing in this system? Regarding something. Is it the redacted? Do you mean the relic?

Yeah. Who had that redacted? Our boss. All right. Well, nobody usually has it redacted. No, there's a gatekeeper who is guarding the relic via a system of riddles. Oh. Why have you not just answered the riddle?

Well, you know, I wanted to, but 7798 is down. Have you guys met 7798? No, I think not. He's an asshole. Okay, well. No, seriously. Big asshole. Sure.

Jump that guy. Okay, sure. Fair enough. He's also got, like, just his face is just one of those punchable faces, you know? Wouldn't he have the same face as... I don't think so. I don't think so. What makes your face different from 7798?

It's like a ridge. I have a different ridge on my nose. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm giving you clearance to land. All right. Thank you. Thank you. It's always a hassle with those guys.

They really seem to have it out for each other. Is it just meters? This planet is very small It's rare that you can see the curvature of a planet Yeah, very tiny Is it going to be weird? Are we going to throw off the gravity to land on it? Like, Bargy, can we land on this planet?

I'm just going to throw you guys out I can't breathe in space I don't feel comfortable landing I'm wanted, I'm wanted on this planet Legally, by the law of this planet I should not be here, so Okay, fair enough I can't breathe in space

I can't breathe in space, just let me put on a suit Fine Is there an atmosphere down there, C-53, can we see? There is an atmosphere down there Okay, great, well then I'll just take the suit off When I get there. Attention! This is Rebel Leader Seasuit Gundu. Support for our rebellion against the oppressive Federated Alliance comes from HelloFresh. I used to think I'll never have time to battle a galactic dictatorship and cook real meals.

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For $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit HelloFresh.com and enter promo code 630. That's ZYXX30 at HelloFresh.com. Do it for the Rebellions. Sisu Gundu on! Oof, man, Bargy was not joking. It is cold here. And weird that they wouldn't build shelters to block out the cold. Yeah, there's a lot of sort of open... I guess you'd call them canopies.

I was going to say, like, gazebos, but canopies is probably more accurate. Much more bleak than gazebos. Yeah, there's, to be honest, not a lot of natural light. No. Just a couple of pinpricks of stars, and that's about all we get. Hmm. Yeah. A lot of Clint's, though.

It looks like an entire garrison is here. Yeah. Get down on the ground. Get down on the ground. Yes. Show me your Federated Alliance ID card. Show me your fake. Right here.

Yep. All right. That's a good fake. Thank you. All hail the Federated Alliance. All hail the Federated Alliance. Ambassador Plek, Dex Center. This is C-53 Adar.

Hello. Hello. I'm Clint 7799. Oh, great. Great to meet you. We've heard so much about you. All right, let's get to... Wait, who did you hear about me from?

Oh, it's just some Clint 77... 94? 97? 97. He was in orbit. Yeah. Yeah, he's an asshole. Yeah, that's the impression we got.

You know what? His face is... Punchable? Yeah. I like you. Yeah, I mean, I get it. We're all on the same page. You know what? I'm kind of the alpha. Sure. I'm a little bit of the smartest one here. Oh, really? Yeah, so I heard you guys

want to solve the... Would the clones all be the same level of intelligence? I don't think so. I don't think so. I feel like I'm like a riddle guy, you know? Oh, really? So how is the riddle solving going? Not great, not great.

Well, I'll tell you this. As a riddle guy, the first riddle is very hard. Sure. And like I said, oh, hey, 7798. This is the ambassador team. Hi, I'm Clint 7798. Great, hello. Great to meet you.

Great to meet you. Do you want me to take them around? Well, I was kind of taking them around. Well, I can also take them around. You've got no garrison duty. Oh, I mean, yeah, I have garrison duty, but I can also take him around. You know, it's fine. We can just probably go.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, 7798, he'll take you around. I'll take you around. Great, sure. So, you guys are here to solve the riddles? Yeah, yeah, we're here to seek the relic, I guess. Have you taken a shot at it? Well, I don't want to brag, but I'm kind of the riddle guy.

Really? Of all the clints here? Well, yeah. Yeah, I'm kind of an alpha. I. Really? Of all the Clint's here? Well, yeah. I'm kind of an alpha. I'll tell you this much, though. If I don't solve this riddle, I'll destroy this planet. Oh, that seems like a good idea.

I'll call an orbital bombardment and I'll destroy the planet. No, you can't do that. You need to get the relic from the planet before you do that. Yeah. We'll bomb them all and let the Council of Seven sort them out. That seems like a bad policy. Are we close? Are we getting close?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, we're still going. Just a little bit. Oh, yeah, I went the wrong direction. Sure. You know what? Listen, 779...

We're going to talk to you guys. 7798, we are going to make our way to the riddle master, and we will catch you later. Hey, if you don't get that first riddle, don't worry too much about it. Okay, sure. Because we're going to blow this planet up if we don't answer it. Okay. Not necessary.

Hello. Hello. Hi, I'm Ambassador Plek Dexeter. This is C-53 and Dar. We're here with the Federated Alliance. Oh, really?

Your mom's here with the Federated Alliance. Is that the first riddle? No, she's not Did we solve the riddle? You have a very poor conception of what a riddle is, don't you? That was just a straight insult, I think, probably Yep, I'll do the riddles when I want

Hello Hello You come to seek the relic? Yeah, we're here to seek the relic Well, first you must answer my riddles Right I am Chad Chad Hey, Chad, what's up? Yeah, we're here to seek the relic. Well, first you must answer my riddles. Right. I am Chad.

Chad. Hey, Chad, what's up? And you shall answer my riddles before you pass through to the relic. Sure, yeah, let's do it. C-53 is very smart, so watch out. C-53's mom is smart. Oops. That is correct.

The degeneration of AI cores was never this being very powerful for its time. Okay, okay, great. Any hoots and hollers? First riddle. If you wish to pass through to the relic. How old are you? Me? Yeah, this isn't the riddle. It's just something I need to know for the riddle.

Oh, I'm 23. 23? Yep. Okay. Standard years, I'm 20. Okay, okay, okay, hang on. First riddle. You are driving a spaceship. Okay, great. You? Yep. Okay. Standard years, I'm 20. Okay, okay, okay, hang on. First riddle. You are driving a spaceship.

Okay, great. You. Me. Yeah, great. I like this riddle already. He would never. I would never do it. Just suspend your disbelief for a moment.

I couldn't even imagine that happening. I'm a very poor driver. Okay. When they first put me on Bargy, I was like, I don't know how to drive this thing, do I? And they were like, no, it's like sentient. This isn't supposed to be the hard part of the riddle. Okay. When they first put me on Bargy, I was like, I don't know if I should drive this thing, do I? And they were like, no, it's like... This isn't supposed to be the hard part of the riddle. You are driving a riddle. A riddle?

Damn it. Okay. Hang on. Let me just have a little juice. Sorry, I'm a little... I didn't sleep. So, what was I saying? You are driving a spaceship.

Yeah, sure. Great. And four people get on. Okay. Two people get off. Okay. An alien gets on. Right.

Two aliens get off. Three aliens get on. Sure. Two people get off. How old is the driver of this spaceship? Still 23. I mean, probably still 23. Okay, good. One riddle down. Wow, the Clint's couldn't get past that riddle. He really, probably still 23. Okay, good. One riddle down.

Wow, the Clintz couldn't get past that riddle. He really nailed that riddle. That was, wow, cool. I didn't even have to talk to C-53 about that. I knew that one. Pretty good, pretty good. I was prepared for a more challenging riddle. Okay, let's see.

A frantac sits atop a roof. The roof is shaped in the shape of an A, so rolling down one side would be north and the other side would be south. Sure. Frantak lays an egg on the dead center of the rooftop. In which direction does the egg roll, north or south? Frantaks.

Mm-hmm. Don't lay eggs. Okay, well, okay, that's two riddles down pretty fast. Wow, that's very quick. Yeah, we're just kind of zipping through the old riddles here. That's good. I got plenty more where that came from. All right, ask C-53 one.

Hmm? He's the droid. That's me. Okay, let's see here. What did the zero Say to the eight We're both numbers Could have said it but didn't

Would have made sense In the context of such a conversation But did not say it Now I have it I like your belt Okay that's three riddles Down we're down three pretty quickly. Is that a riddle? Is it a riddle?

That's sort of like a joke, though. You're the riddle master? I mean, no. What are you? What are you? No, I just... No, but my question... My question is, what's your job?

I'm an ambassador. Okay, well, do I come to your place and tell you how to do what you do? No, I don't. No, no, yeah. That was a rhetorical question, not a riddle. Also not a riddle, if you want to your place and tell you how to do what you do? No, I don't. No, no, yeah. That was a rhetorical question, not a riddle. Also not a riddle, if you want to point that out. Okay. Well, if it were, we'd be four down.

Hmm? I just said we'd be. Okay. Final riddle. Okay. This is one of those riddles where I give you a thing, and you have to ask me a bunch of yes or no questions to finally get to what happened. Very standard riddle time.

A Tellurian goes to a restaurant, orders a Garfon sandwich. We do that all the time. The chef brings by a Garfon sandwich. The Tellurian takes one bite, runs outside, and jumps into infinite space, thereby killing himself. Extremely low gravity on this restaurant.

Yeah, it's one of those right by the fringe of the gravitational pull. It could be like Slog's Diner, for example. Not familiar. Any hoots and hollers, you ask a series of yes or no questions to try and determine, you know, what's afoot here. Okay. This is the one that usually, the people who get through the first few, usually at this one, they're at a certain point, they're like, no, it's not for me. You thought that sandwich gave him wings?

No. You have literally no chance. You may as well just hop back on that thing that shot you out here and get gone. Okay, yeah, fair enough. I recognize that thing, by the way. Yeah, you recognize Bargy. Yeah, several movies that were released here. You recognize the sensual barge.

Well, okay, I wasn't going to give that up. Any hoots and hollers where I got the Garfun sandwich? Where are we on this? You asked a far too specific question. Let's see what we can get. I did. Did eating the sandwich make him have a realization? Yes.

Good. Okay. I mean, good for you, bad for me, because this is the final riddle. Was the Garfon his pet, like his dead pet? No. Okay. How many guesses do we get? We can go on for as long as you want.

Really? I have a long time. How have the Clint's then not guessed a correct answer? Did you talk to either of those Clint's? We did. Yes. A couple of rich-faced dum-dums, if you ask me. I mean, that's true.

That's true. Oh, yeah. C, do you have a guess on the river? No, I'm telling you, it's way too early to have a guess. If you were to guess at this point, it'd be preposterous. You should continue to ask yes or no questions. But guessing doesn't punish you in's way too early to have a guess. If you were to guess at this point, it'd be preposterous. You should continue to ask yes or no questions. But guessing doesn't punish you in any way. Sure, you could guess.

Okay, you know what? You jucking geniuses can go ahead and guess. Was the customer familiar with the chef in some way? No. Was it the sandwich that made him do it? Do you mean the sandwich had, it was like a sentient sandwich of some kind? No.

Biting the sandwich led to a realization, which then led him to commit suicide. This feels like a closed room mystery kind of thing. Hmm, what's a room? Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, we hadn't really thought about that. It's like, imagine this planet, but with, like, um... Walls.

Oh, walls. Sure, sure, sure. Four of them touching each other. And then a fifth one right on top. But you'd call it a ceiling, most people. I mean, you'd call it a roof, like that other riddle that you... Ah, well, roofs. I know we have roofs aplenty.

Look around. It's roofs for days. Roofs. There's a roof. There's a roof. There's a roof. There's a roof. There's open air structures on this planet.

Where do we keep the relic on this planet? Excuse me? Where's the relic? It's buried in this little roof. Like an enclosed roof? Yeah, right behind me. I think you're describing a room. You are describing a room.

Hmm. Oh, my. All right, Chad. I know these ambassadors didn't get it, but 77980 is here, ready to answer the riddle. Actually, we were able to solve that riddle. Yeah, no, we're... What? Yeah, we're pretty...

Wait, what? Yeah, we're on number four right now. What was the answer? That was the... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't tell me. I don't want to know. The answer is you're the same age as you were when you started piloting the ship.

I don't... No. I refuse. Why would your age change regardless of how many people Entered or exited the ship I feel like it would though Wouldn't it Almost definitely not Nah I don't think it does

See he was so close To getting it he's the riddle guy Ambassador Dexter A word please Sure yeah okay one second I'll just be right back Oh yeah no problem I guess I'll just be right back. Oh, yeah, no problem. I guess I'll just stand over here twiddling my tentacles.

Ambassador Dexeter, I'm going to blow this planet up. It's starting to really bug me. I feel like an idiot now. No, I feel like an idiot. That first one made me feel like an idiot. Yeah. And I'm going to call an airstrike and blow this thing to the ground. No, no, no, no, no.

We don't need to do that, because we're actually... Let the Council of Seven sort him out, baby. No, that's not necessary. How would they sort them out after you blew everything up? Would the Council of Seven come down to the planet and sort the bits of all the things that were destroyed into it?

You question the Council of Seven? No, absolutely not. Because that's a riddle you don't want to know the answer to. Well, it's a riddle we do know the answer to. It's we don't want to question the Council of Seven? No, absolutely not. Because that's a riddle you don't want to know the answer to. Well, it's a riddle we do know the answer to, but we don't want to question the Council of Seven. Right. Yeah, no, I mean, that's why I'm the riddle guy. You're a real riddle guy. Yeah, I'm a real, real riddle guy. Listen, I think, you know, as ambassadors, we're just here to kind of easy through these riddles, and I think we're going to do okay.

So give us, like, just a few more minutes. We'll see if it works out. But if it doesn't, you can bet that I will be answering a riddle. But my questions will be... Bombs? ...nucleoid bombs. Oh, sure. Yeah.

Sorry, what's going on over there? We're just looking at these roofs. Okay. So I have a question then for you. Yeah, shoot, go ahead. You have three tentals. Yeah. And you can twiddle them?

Oh yeah, sure, watch. Do-de-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-de-do-do-do-do-do-do. All three of them are sex organs. Oh yeah. All operating. Oh yeah. Two of them are sex organs. Oh, yeah. All operating. Oh, yeah.

Two of them aren't just for show. Listen, buddy, I just want to be friends. At the most. As far as you're going to get. This happens a lot. This is one of the reasons people don't get all the way through the riddles at some point. It's like, now they're obsessed with me. They fall in love with you?

Well, it's more of like a... A lust. You got it. I'll be honest. Yeah. I am curious about it, and I'd like? Well, it's more of like a... A lust. You got it. I'll be honest. Yeah. I am curious about it, and I'd like to know what it's like. Mm-hmm. But there's nothing here. Yeah, but I know what...

It's fine. You think I just am protecting myself now? I think your mom's protecting herself. Whoops. Okay, you know what? That one was good. That's actually the first good one. Thank you so much.

The other ones were all so good. I have formulated a question about your riddle. Is the Tellurian secretly a Garfon? Wow. Good question. No. Oh, okay. I was really sure about that one. What's that paradox where you keep getting closer to the thing, but you never get to the thing?

Oh, the A51 paradox. Yes. Yeah. That's it. A51. This is a real A51. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. That's it. A51. This is a real A51. I have a question. How was the sandwich prepared? How was it prepared? Irrelevant. Oh.

I was thinking like a garfun breast breaded and fried. You know what? It's like I was imagining the same exact sandwich. Oh, you two have some kind of heat there? No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay. Okay, listen. Here's the deal. Okay. Once upon a time, two Tellurians were stranded on a planet with nothing to eat but a Garfon. Okay. The Garfon's only enough to feed one of them. Uh-huh. And besides the Garfon is their enough to feed one of them. Uh-huh.

And besides the Garfon is their dead friend, another Tellurian. So three Tellurian bodies. Well, two living Tellurians. Two bodies. A dead Tellurian and a Garfon. Okay. Find three bodies. If you want to...

Okay, I guess I screwed it up and they're three bodies. Are you happy now? I'm a big idiot. Wow. You're saying there's nothing here, but this feels like a lot of unnecessary attention. Okay. Your mom... It doesn't matter.

So two living Tellurians, one dead Tellurian, and one Garfine. And they're stranded, okay? Wait a second. Is this relevant to the riddle, or is this a different riddle? You dummy, I'm explaining the riddle. I can't leave this planet until someone gets the riddle. And I don't want to be in this planet anymore. I don't want to be.

You understand? I don't want to be here. Yeah, no, I get it. I don't want to be here anymore. So where do you want to be? Any place. There are no summers here. Not one summer.

None. And this place is kind of a bummer. 400 years. I've been guarding this relic for 400 years and have never once left this planet. Explain why you're so pale. Yes? Oh, is that not normal

for whatever you are? Excuse me? Ooh, whatever you are? Excuse me? Your species. Normally we are opaque. I'm virtually translucent here. Yeah. It's not natural. I'm virtually translucent here. Yeah. It's not natural.

Oh, I'm sorry. Not as sorry as I am. Not as sorry as your mom was. Okay. Ha ha ha, okay. That's true. Oops. That's true.

That's true. Listen, I'm going to explain the riddle to you, and all you have to do is say it back to me, and then you can have the relic. Do you understand? Okay. Great. That'll be the deal.

I will stay out of your way. So you got two Tellurians that are alive, one dead Tellurian and a Garfon. Right. They can't split the Garfon? Listen, man, I wasn't there at the time. Okay? It seems like there would be enough for both of them. Who the jock asked you to come in here?

I just want to know. Okay, listen, there's two. I just want to know what happens. There's two Tellurians. One of them. Okay, so how far did I get? They're fighting over who gets to eat. Okay, one gets. Okay, there's a garfun, and one of them has to eat.

They can't split the thing. I don't know why. I wasn't there at the time. So wait, are two of them dead and one alive? One is dead and two are alive. Two are alive. 7797, you are not a part of this right now. What? 7797 is transmitting from space. Oh, I'm so sorry. 7798? I'm 7799.

Listen to me. Okay. I want to get gone. Two alive ones, a dead one, and a Garfon. Okay. How big of a Garfon? I don't know. Regular size, I guess.

It's a regular size Garfon. Don't ask a follow-up. Do not follow up. So there are two dead Taurians. Two dead Taurians. No, one dead Taurian. Listen to me. I believe I have solved the riddle.

Oh my word. What do you think the riddle is, droid? So, there are two living Telerians and one dead Telerian and a Garfon. The two living Telerians agree that one must eat the Garfon and one must eat the dead Telerian to survive until they are

rescued. So, they agree that one Telerian will prepare food and the other one will not be the wiser whether he has eaten Tellurian or Garfun. He eats the meal prepared by the other Tellurian, and then after they are rescued, decides, perhaps I should find out what a Garfun tastes like. Goes to

a restaurant, orders a Garfun sandwich, eats it, discovered he was the one who ate the Tellurian, and decides, I can't live with the idea that I've eaten another of my species, and casts himself into space. You have unlocked the relic. Hey, good job, C-53. There's still a lot of holes in this riddle that I wish to discuss.

Doesn't matter. Couldn't matter less. They should have split the garfond straight up. Couldn't matter less. Couldn't matter less. Why would they not have shared the responsibility of eating the tellurium? Golly! Also, how would he not know what a garfon tastes like? Shut up! You're very popular.

God, shut up! I cannot be choked. This wrapping your hands around my neck serves no purpose. Sorry, I'm a little amped up. I'm going to tell you what it is before you go in there, just so you're not surprised. Very well. It's a big, hot bean. You're telling me about it, but I'm not surprised. Very well. It's a big, hot bean. You're telling

me about it, but I'm still surprised. You've seen beans before, right? Sure, surely, yes. Okay, well, this one's super hot. How big? Okay, so imagine a regular bean. I've got it. About four times as big as that. That's hot. And it's crazy hot. Do you mean, like, spicy? No, no, not spicy.

Like, hot. Like, to the touch. Ooh, yeah, Don't touch it. He can touch it because he's a droid. Big hot bean. That you've been guarding for 400 years. That's right. For 400 years I've been guarding. Is it still as hot as it was when it was put in there?

I mean, I can't make any promises. They don't let me peek under the roof. Fair enough. But when I put it there, it was a spicy hot bean. I shouldn't have said spicy. I shouldn't have said it. Just the first word that came to my mind when I thought of hot. But it's not spicy.

The droid can enter. All right, so stroll right on into that roof. The bean is still fairly warm. How warm? About 140 degrees So I can hold it then It wouldn't burn you Can I hold it?

Yeah warm Okay great thank you Listen you got the bean I'm getting out of here I'm going to some place where it's summer all the time baby Alright this is over This is over Riddles time is over Great yeah well over. Yeah, hey, we did it. Riddle time is over. Great, yeah.

Well, we were able to acquire the rock. But you didn't answer all the riddles, did you? We actually did answer all the riddles. Okay, well, you cheated. No, chuck this. Chuck this and chuck you, Chad. Chuck your mom. No,

your mom, Chad. Your mom. I'm calling an orbital bombardment on this planet immediately. I doubt it. We are all still here. Game over, man. The game is over, though. No, I'm saying the game's over. No, but it was over before.

I'm holding the relic. The game is done, Chad. You will stay on this planet. What do you mean? Once someone has the bean, I can leave. those are the rules of my confinement The rules have changed Chad God shut up Try to make me look like an idiot I'm the smart one Huh

I'm the smart one all the rest of these guys have these faces That are just so You should probably keep your voice down on that cause people No I don't care we're all gonna be dead In a few minutes anyway Wait you're gonna be on the planet when it's destroyed? Yeah, of course. No, no, no.

What? What do you mean, of course? An orbital bombardment. You should be in orbit when you bombard the planet. No, it's our duty to go down with the planet. Is that true? Okay, I'm going to try and jerk these tentals one last time before they blow me to smithereens. I suggest we do an immediate evaporation.

Yeah, that's it. Listen, man. I'm also going to stick around because I just want to... What's the second riddle? What is that again? Oh, boy. I feel like I could get it. Okay, it's a frantic that's on a roof.

A frame house. You know what a house is for. I don't know. Frantic lays an egg. The house is a riddle? Yes. You guys don't want to be around when this comes to its finish. Gonna shoot out a bunch of spicy sauce.

So a house is a riddle. You know what? We're gonna go. We're gonna go. You're gonna get it, though. Yep. Barge? Bargy?

Yeah? Hey, listen, can we get a real hasty exit down here? Uh, just a reminder. Unfortunately, there is that restraining order they have, so I can't technically touch the ground. So it's an A-frame roof. I mean, Barge, they are distracted. Maybe if I draw it.

Yeah, they're pretty distracted. All right, fine, I'll just land. I'll just land. Yeah, I think you can probably just land. So the egg hits here. Yeah. Uh-huh. Hey! Oh, boy.

Oh. Which way does it break? Oh, dear. It has to go down one side or the other. Yeah. And I know that a garfun or a floret. Yeah, we give you a ride. Just hop right on.

No, no, no, I don't want anybody to touch me. Please don't touch me now. My tentacles are retracting. This is not a time when I want to be touched. Can't believe we're all aboard, Vergy. If you wish to leave this planet... Chad, thank you. Fare thee well.

Okay, maybe if I get a name... They don't like eggs! They don't like eggs! Bye! Rebel leader Rolfus Tittle with a very important message. Support for the rebellion comes from Warby Parker. I remember missing an entire raid against the federated alliance because i had to travel two systems away to go to a glasses store not anymore with warby

parker's home try on program you can order five pairs of glasses online try them on for five days and there's no obligation to buy head to warbyparker.com slash zyxx to order your free home try-ons today. Honestly, as I record this, I am wearing crane frames in a whiskey tortoise, and I'm getting tons of compliments from all the other rebels. Glasses start at just $95, including prescription lenses. Plus, for every pair you buy, a pair is distributed to someone in need. And here's a tip. After you order your home try-on kit at warbyparker.com slash six,

download the Warby Parker app from the iTunes App Store. It lets you take photos wearing all the frames, make a video, and share with your friends to help you pick out the best pair. Nice! Friends are great! Both as tittles. All right, Barchi, probably should make a pretty quick getaway here. Let's call up Nermit and let him know we got the relic, right?

Establishing communications with Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bungaloy. call up Nermit and let him know we got the relic, right? Establishing communications with Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Pondeloy. Hey, Nermit. Hello. Well, Nermit, I have good news and bad news. Well, we should always start with the good news, so let's... What?

That is the bad news. Ambassador Dexeter... Wait a second. You were sent there to get the relic. Ambassador Dexeter mentioned it. Wait a second. You were sent there to get the relic. You blew up the planet? No, no. No, no.

I just blew up the planet. What? But Junior Missions Operations Manager Nerla Bundelai am happy to report we have obtained the relic. Thank goodness. All right. I'm so excited. I've been trying to crack the code on these redacted documents for the whole day, and I can't do it. And what is it?

You are looking at it. Can you please just show me the relic? I know I wasn't technically supposed to know what it is, but... Nermin, I hate to break it to you. This is the relic. Yeah, this is the relic. It is this large, hot bean. Warm. It's warm.

Warm bean. What? We had to answer riddles to get this relic. A warm bean? Hey, hey, are we all talking about the holograms man's two-inch thingy? No, we're kind of past that, but I'm glad you brought it up again. Barge, I would like to revisit you already. That's good.

We are not talking about that. Okay. Operations Manager Nervin Bonnoy, I have been thinking about your genitalia. When you experience a state of arousal, do you experience any dizziness or nausea? Yeah, of course, both. I suspected the resulting loss of blood would cause you some sort of discomfort. Oh, come on. You're saying because so much blood has to drain from my body because it's 19 inches tall?

You're very small. Yeah. I'm not! Would you call it a warm bean? No. Would you call it? I wouldn't call it. Has anyone called it a warm bean?

No. Did he call it a warm bean? No. No one has ever said the words warm bean until this relic was so dumb. I'm going to call it a warm bean. What? Why do you have to call it anything? Me too, Nermit. Can we put that

into his files? Absolutely. How is that something you can update and you can't say I'm doing a good job? Well, that is it. That's subjective. Listen, hologram man, it is your own relic. Be proud. Be happy.

You are the warm bean. Well said. Yes. What is it then? It's... It's... It's num-num. You could call it num-num. I'm sorry.

Say that again. What? No, we don't have to... Nothing. Num-num? It's not. Updating file. Thank you, C. What. Num-num? It's not. Updating file. Ah!

Thank you, C. You're welcome. What is num-num? It's just a nickname. That's your nickname for your genitals? Self-given? What? Of course.

Come on, guys. You don't have one. You know what mine is? What? Durangus dangus. See you next time. Farji the Ship was played by Mujan Zulfagari. Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermin Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind. Cloned Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers were played by Winston Knoll. Riddle Master Chad was played by special guest Michael Cruz-Cain, who has been seen on Crashing, The Chris Gethard Show, and at South by Southwest.

He's currently writing for an animated children's show on Netflix. Look for him around New York at What I Did for Love, Sabonis, and on Twitter and Instagram at MJCKAYNE. Mission to Ziggs is recorded at Braun Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell. This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goice. Mission to Ziggs is brought to this galaxy by Thank you. Have a question for the crew? Send an email to crew at mission to zix dot space.

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and even Tumblr at mission to zix. If someone would like to show us how to Snapchat, please follow us on Instagram. to Zix. If someone would like to show us how to Snapchat, please follow us on Instagram. Okay, it's probably T-minus 10 seconds before this whole satellite is just covered in pizza sauce.

I don't want you to get confused with a pasta sauce. It's a lot smoother. You know what I mean? Sure. It's the thicker sauce, isn't it? Wouldn't it be a thicker sauce? It's a thinner sauce, you dummy. Is a pizza sauce thinner than a pasta sauce? Okay, well, listen. My pizza sauce, it doesn't...

A pasta sauce seems more spreadable. Yeah, but it's going to have, like, probably some... Why are we still here? They're going to blow up this planet.