Mission To Zyxx - 113: Dead Subquadrant’s Got Talent [ft. Caitlin Puckett]

Episode Date: November 29, 2017

The crew must pull out all the stops as they establish relations with a planet no one knew existed. Bargie hosts. C-53 asks for a re-do. The warm bean is put to use. Featuring: Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as C.L.I.N.T and Cubie Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie With special guest Caitlin Puckett as Dodecahelen Edited by Seth Lind Recorded at Braund Studios by Shane O’Connell Sound Design and Mix by Shane O’Connell Music by Brendan Ryan Additional music by Dee Yan-Key Opening Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz

The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil Galactic Monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 226. Hey, Dar. Yeah, what's up, bud?

What? You just called me bud? It's just... Don't make this... Don't do this. No, I just... I just... I'm sorry, I had to...

I regret it already. You regret calling me bud? Yeah, it was casual. I was just trying it out, and now you've made it weird. I'm... You know what, Dar? I'm gonna hold on to that in my little heart. Don't!

Huh. Right. Well, what I was gonna to hold on to that in my little heart. Don't! Huh. All right, well, what I was going to ask you is, um... Mm-hmm. What do you, uh... Do you have big plans for the croons that you took from the moss planet? What do you mean, big plans? I mean, I'm just... If I had that many croons, I would be, like, plotting out my next moves, you know?

I feel like you're the kind of person who... What would your next moves be if you had all those crew? Oh, man. Don't get me started. I'm curious. We are trying to get you started, Ambassador. Okay, first off, mattress. I would definitely buy a mattress.

You're getting one in the mail. Yeah, I mean, am I? He's not. It already came and I threw it out. What? Bargy, come on. I didn't like it. It didn't feel good on me. I only want the best top quality things.

You know, if I had all those crudes, what I would do? What would you do? I get softer engines. Ooh. 17 more windows. Yeah, now we're talking. See? Bargy's got plans. Bargy, did you say you would get legs Bargy, did you say you would get legs?

Wait, did you say you would get legs? I missed that part. I'd have the longest legs in the galaxy. Would they be functioning, or would they just be... They would be voluptuous. Every curve, every calf. So when we would, like, touch down on a new planet, you would... Walk around with my sexy little legs.

Long, long, luscious legs. Wow. 79 beautiful buxom, buxom legs. Can legs be buxom? Is it like buxom or is... I thought a buxom was a quality of the body. Oh, there's a hole. They are buxom.

Great. And I get 17-ish heels. But for me, that's very tiny Yeah, that's not that ambitious That wouldn't be that big a structural difference Anyway, don't be boring Okay, well now I feel I mean, my plants

I sort of pay on it I wouldn't get nearly that many legs Oh, please tell us We'd love to know the limits of your imagination After a mattress We didn't hear any additional things you would purchase. Yeah. Just getting started.

Okay, so Mattress, obviously the first one. A trip to Rangus II, which I've always wanted to go. Not allowed. But I think if I had enough croons, they would let me. And, you know, I've always wanted to see the capital world, Quantaris. Okay. Mattress and Quantaris. Okay. I just... Okay.

I don't know how much... Two very unsexy places. Okay, fine. Then, like... No, no, don't pressure yourself. Those were the top three things that came to your mind. Yeah. Ambassador Dexeter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy.

Hey, Nermit. Hello. Hey, what would you do hypothetically with like a three-foot pile of croons? Hypothetically. Oh, jeez. I would look up at it. Oh, right. That's taller than you.

And then I'd just pay to take some night courses to study for, you know, just to move forward in the old career. You'd continue to work for the Federated Alliance? Yeah. Senior Missions Operations Manager, Nermin Brunboy. That is a very tame answer to this question. I mean, what can be more exciting than Missions Operations Manager or Senior Miss missions operations manager or whatever is above that nerman if you and i ever get to spend a little alone time together i think i can help you learn what would be a little more exciting than that um i'm sorry i'm just gonna go off the camera for a second steam rising into frame hang Hang on, yeah, Darla, that'd be great.

Okay. So is this, Nermin, is this one of those calls where you don't have anything to tell us? That's not a kind of call I do. Lately we've been getting a lot of calls. It's just shooting the shit with old Nermin. You know, what you're describing is when you tried to hang up on me. Yeah, you're probably right. We'll see you next time, Nermin. Bye, Nermin. Bye, Nermit.

Bye. You do not. You know not to. Ceasing transmission. He seems pretty upset. Yeah. Yeah. Ambassador Dexeter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bundeloy. Hey, Nermit.

Nermit, long time no see. I have a mission for you, can you believe it? Yeah, great. Okay, so this is kind of wild. When it came through, I thought, interesting. Is it as wild as what you would do with a three-foot stack of cranes? Yeah. All right, so there's this section of the quadrant,

the 9-2 subquadrant, you know it? I'm familiar with the 9-2 subquadrant. You know it? I'm familiar with the 9-2 subquadrant. Great. So as C-53 may know, this is what's known as a dead subquadrant, right? There's no reason to go there. There's no reason to think about it. That's true. No recorded nebulae.

No recorded activity. No life forms. No planets. Planetoids. Very little to see. Right. But there was an autonomous channels that was on a routine trip through here. It has sensors.

It picked up readings as if there is a planet with an atmosphere. An entire planet? Yes, a planet in this subquadrant. And you are going to check it out. Great. Whatever's on this planet, whatever life forms, they've never heard from the Federated Alliance. This is a true... This is like a really uncharted territory.

Yeah, this is a pure ambassadorial mission. Literally showing up. This is like a really uncharted territory. And it doesn't sound suspicious to anyone. Oh, what do you mean? An empty sub-quadrant now contains an entire planet? Yeah. Are you aware of how hard it is to miss a planet? Attention, Rebels, attention. attention rebels attention this is your leader rolfus tittle with a quick news update about our troop movements and victories one uh we had a sortie on carfen who blew up a military magazine from the federated alliance it's a big victory For those of you who are monitoring the ship Liberty Ding Dong,

they do have a Wiffle infestation and it has gone critical. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage with Liberty Ding Dong. Remember, as my old mentor Rax Relius once told me, rebellions are built on hope and advertising dollars for internet-based products. Billions are built on hope and advertising dollars for internet-based products. And to that point, I know some of you are thinking, Rolfes, we usually hear you selling a product on this. I am a military leader. I am a general. I'm not a salesman.

But while I'm here, I might as well say that you should follow this show on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and rate and review it on iTunes. Tell any rebel friends you have to listen to the show. Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and rate and review it on iTunes. Tell any rebel friends you have to listen to the show. War is hell. Sometimes I wonder where the general ends and the salesman begins. God damn it, what have I become? Rofus did a lover now. Guys, this is very exciting. A new planet.

Should we get like a Federated Alliance flag and like, you know, like stick it in? It's not quite a planet, though, is it? Let me magnify the image. Whoa. That is angular. Yes. Typically, planets do not have this level of regular polygon shape. So, I am detecting that this planet contains organic life.

Oh. Hmm. Like, uh, like new species. Not exactly. Hey, you guys can just keep going. What? Who said that? What?

The dodecahedron over here. The planet. Yeah. You're... Well, I'm not a planet. I'm a dodecahedron. You're talking to us just straight through the... I'm speaking through telepathy, but I know the way I do it is boring.

No, that's actually really cool. I can't do that. C-53, Bargy, can you hear this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, Ambassador Nexeter, I am receiving audio, but I must admit I'm not sure how it's possible. Yeah, this is really incredible. Do you have a name? Dodeca Helen. Your name? Dodeca Helen.

Your name is Dodeca Helen? Go ahead, laugh it up. No, that's a really great name. It was my given name. Huh. What were your parents' names? They were 12 polygons. Their names were E, B, L, A,

2. These are the names of all of the polygons? Yeah, because when 12 polygons really love one another, they come together and boom. Sorry, I interrupted your list of names. That's okay.

I'll continue. There's Mallard. There's 426. Ambassador Dexeter. Turnsy. This entity may have been birthed at a time when names were new and young, so... Perchbop. Names may seem strange and unusual to you. There's Quackpaw.

No, these are rad names. Alba. Elbow. Flipper. That's it. Well, what do you do out here? Yeah, what's your deal, Helen? I'm immortal.

I mean, you can ask me anything. I'm all-knowing. That sounds amazing. How long have you been alive? I've been alive for the last billion years. Wow. Just to round it up. Yeah.

How did you just pop up? No, I've been here. People have purposely not told their friends about me. I bring everyone down. I mean, hey, I think you're really cool. I mean, you're a 12-sided ball the size of a planet. How many of us can say that about ourselves? So, immortality.

Like, you must have seen just almost everything. Everything. Ask me. I've seen it. Oh. Okay. A bath gazar made of lasers? Seen it.

Have you ever been worshipped by a planet because they thought you were a deity? Oodles. Many, multiple times? Multiple times, yeah. Have you ever seen a robot uprising where robots take over a planet, and then the robots get corrupt and fall prey themselves to another race of robots? Twice. A ship being a long-term committed relationship with another ship that actually works out?

Sorry, the ship works out as in exercises or that the relationship works out? No, no, no, the relationship. Because I've seen them both. Oh, okay. What about a dress that was both blue and gold? Yeah. But also

brown and white? Yeah. And it led to many deaths. Yeah But also brown and white Yeah And it led to many deaths Have you ever seen somebody come out of a black hole? And go back into it? I mean, sure Yeah Oh, wow

What about a pair of pants that Fort Talorians can fit into? Even though they are all very distinct in different body types I've seen it where they're all facing forward, where they're facing backward, where two are facing forward, two are backward, three are forward. It's one pair of pants. Simultaneously? It's a single pair of pants

that has eight openings for legs. Oh, okay. Yeah, wow. I'm not even sure that's what Tara was asking about. That sounds very interesting. Let's wow. I'm not even sure that's what Tara was asking about, but that sounds very interesting. Let's see. Have you ever seen two stars crash into each other, but between the two stars was a ship

with a bunch of kittens on it? Yeah, I've seen that. That sounds so sad. That was the same day my cat died. Oh, boy. Dear. I'm not sure that's actually a good thing. Why would you bring that up?

Sorry, I just was, I felt like that would probably never happen. Doe Deca Helen, so you've seen, like, wars, you've seen civilizations rise and fall. Oh, sure. Oh, you're going to outlive all of us. I know. I think about that every second of every day, about how everyone I encounter is going to die. They're just a glimpse of my life. I'm just waiting for death, but it's never going to come.

I mean, I've tried to end it. I can't put myself around a noose. I'm too even. Oh, sure. Well, that seems like... Was that the first thing you tried? The rope would just tighten and then remain firm. Yeah, but, well, I mean, I don't know. Nermid only lives like 26 years, so, I mean, better than that, right? And you know

who Nermid is, so. Yeah, I do. Do you actually know who Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermid Pondeloy is? I do. He puts out transmissions of himself singing in the cleaning chamber. He puts out transmissions that he makes from his cleaning chambers. Do you see this transmissions? Can we see this again? I can replay it. Let me just switch to my sixth side.

Oh, it's a big screen. Huh. This one goes out to the fans on. Right in this one. I hold up my hands. And I hold up my little bird feet. And this one goes out to the fans on. Okay, all right, all right. That's bird feet and this one goes out and to the back of the...

Okay, all right, all right. That's... I think I get it. Does he know he's sending these out? Oh, yeah, they're on purpose. Every day, like, he thinks to himself, was this a good one? And he always says, yes.

You see why I wait for death? Wow. Well, you know, hey, we're here now. We're here to just tell you that you can be part of the Federated Alliance. All hail the Federated Alliance. All hail. Sure, sure. All hail the Federated Alliance. I mean, I could, but I don't know.

Well, don't take Alan. Maybe we can work together. I don't know. Well, don't take Alan. Maybe we can work together. You know, I have experienced basically everything, but there's only one thing I can think of that I haven't seen. Oh. Well, what's that? A live talent show.

Wait, that's the one thing you've never seen? In a billion years? I've never seen a live talent show. I can't fathom the progression, the fever in the audience. Have you just never come close enough to a planet that's having a live talent show? How is this possible? I don't know. I've just never seen it. If you guys could bring me a talent show,

maybe that could bring a little joy. I'd join your alliance. Ah. It's the one thing I'm missing out of everything in the universe. Ambassador Dexeter, we have an incoming transmission from a clenched ship.

Oh, uh, hello? Argerian J, state your federated alliance code. We'll shoot you out of the sky. Do it now. Okay, yeah, just, all right, we'll transmit it now. Transmitting code. All right, that fake checks out. Thanks. Listen, I'm here on orders from, uh, the council itself.

Oh. You're interfacing with this Dodecahedron? Oh, yeah, we're just kind of getting to know, getting to know old Dodeca Helen. Her name is Helen. Yep. Dodecahedron? Oh, yeah, we're just kind of getting to know old Dodeca Helen. Her name is Helen. Dodeca Helen. Would you allow us to speak

privately for a moment? Yeah, that's a usual request. We'll be right back. What can I do for you? We need to destroy this thing. No, I just I don't think so. It seems unnecessary to urge the Columbus to a decahedron.

Also, it's immortal. Yeah, I think we've established it's immortal. It's created telepathic contact with the Council of Seven. Oh. That's a dangerous connection. We're going to destroy it. I don't know that we're going to be able to do that. Freud, this baby is souped up.

We can blow this thing out of the sky. I don't know why the other going to be able to do that. Freud, this baby is souped up. We can blow this thing out of the sky. I don't know why the other Clint didn't tell you this. Well, it's actually because, you know, I was getting to it, but you, you know, really didn't let me. I don't think I gave you plenty of time. Do it. I understand. All right.

Even with your significant firepower, I'm not sure you'll be able to accomplish it. This ship is armed with nucleoid missiles. Nucleoid missiles? Oh, dear. Yeah, we're going to load this thing up big time. But the problem is

the surface is so angular and smooth that all of our trajectories seem to just kind of slide right on. But what was the dodecahedron requested? She wanted to see a talent show. All right.

What you need to do is complete this talent show. And while you do that, we will scan for any weaknesses And devise a plan to Blow this Dotecahedron up You guys got some fun stuff? It's coming together I don't really care it was just mainly a pleasantry

Do the talent show do it or we'll blow you out of the sky Okay That seems like a very high stakes situation It's all high stakes This is dealing with a council of seven. There's a telepathic Dotecahedron that's getting into his thoughts. What could be more serious, Ambassador? Deck setter.

Okay. All right. We'll see you later. Do it. Over and out. Well, uh... Helen? Helen, you still there?

It was neither a yes nor a no. You heard that, right? Yeah, I hope they succeed. I want to die. What? This is an almost ceaselessly grim conversation. Dodeca Helen, I mean, listen, like, surely something's worth living for. A live talent show.

One act after another. Variety. That's the last thing that gives me hope, let me tell you. Well? Oh, I'm starting to get excited. Man, this could be it. This could be my ticket to loving life. I hope you guys have talent.

Helen, um, I'd say, with Plek as our headliner, we are your new hope. Okay, all right. Yeah, you know what? I'm going to get to work. I kind of got to go through my old list of tricks. Is this wise? It is incredibly wise. I can't wait.

I just made programs. Oh, well, I'm hosting it. Okay. All right, let's get started. Cue the music. Myself. Welcome to the first annual Mission to Six talent show. We're going to do this every year. I'm ready. I got gonna do this every year. I'm ready.

I got my judge's sash on. Guys. What did you make that out of? Stardust. Oh. Cool. Some of you might know who I am. Yes, I am. I'm the Vajarian Jane. Where have I been? Let's just say space is very huge.

Let's do some monologue jokes. Let's get political. What's the seven friends, right? Hey, what happens when one of them aren't friends? Huh? Is that the six acquaintances, you know? Okay, anyway, let's get to our first talent. C53. Bang, bang, bang, bang.

Talent C-53. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Hello, I am C-53, Protocol and Diplomatic Relations Droid aboard the Bargerian Jade. For this talent show, I will be performing my world-famous talent of reciting pi to 10,000 decimals. Thank you. festivals. Thank you. 3.14159265358979323846 Hey, Plek. Are you nervous, bud?

I am really nervous. You don't have to be nervous. Well, I just... I feel like my whole life has been I've always kind of suspected I didn't really have anything to offer And this is really Putting into perspective

You know putting under a spotlight Like literally I guess all you can hope for is that Those Clint's figure out how to kill her first So you don't have to perform The other option would be that The thing that I do is really cool Yeah I think you're really just't have to perform. The other option would be that the thing that I do is really cool. Yeah, I think you're really just going to have to hope

that they blow up Helen before you have to take the stage. Oh, man. All right, that's great. Thank you. Good stuff. Oh, wow. I didn't even reach the... Coming up to the stage is dark show off then

scale alright so uh most of you definitely don't know this about me Helen you might know this about me I do I am a classically trained dancer and

for tonight I will be doing a dance that I have not done since I was much younger and it's a tap Looks like we're in the cruise Cruise up and down Through the world Cruise everywhere Looks like we're in the cruise Looks like we're in the cruise

Shovel off to Bath-Gazar Wow, Darb. That was truly remarkable. Yes, I'm a very skilled dancer. I would never have guessed that about you, but I am very impressed. A delight, a hard act to follow. All right, number four. I feel my previous performance did not land the way I wanted it to.

Two to three. Would I be able to demonstrate a different talent? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's give it another go for C53. Thank you. I am C53, Protocol and Diplomatic Relations Droid, brought to you by Jerry and Jade. And tonight I will be demonstrating my world-famous talent of Slate of Hand. Oh.

So, Deca Helen, would you pick a card? Certainly. This one, if that's okay. That's fine. Oh, she just telekinetically grabbed a card. All right, remember that card. Now reinsert it into the deck. Boop. Okay, great. And is this your card?

No. Great, fantastic! No, no, hold on, hold on, hold on. I didn't mean the card in my hand. I meant the card in my cube. Oh, yeah, that's it. Oh, very nice. How did you do that?

Oh, yeah, that's it. Oh, very nice. How did you do that? How did you do that? I do know, but it was executed so well. Thank you very much. All right. Great job. See ya. No. Now I will resume reciting pie to you.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, C-23, you don't have to do that. Now before we go on to our last act of the evening, why don't we take a moment to reflect upon those who we've lost this last day with a sad song from my old love corn laclan he'll pill my palm when the nebula is blue. Nigel 23. And another cycle goes by. Illy Mc... Illy Mc... Ill.

That a tear falls from my... Time. So when the moon is up... Bulldog the Big Cat. All right. Fantastic. Fantastic. I forgot time time.

All right. Now moving Fantastic. I forgot time time. All right. Now moving on to our final act. Margie, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Mervyn Dungaloy. Oh, perfect timing, Nermit. Hey, guys. I'm so sorry.

I'm not really supposed to do this, but I'm so excited to hear about this planet. I just had to just check in. Well, Nermit. Yeah. You came just in time. You actually missed a, I mean, so. Well, Nermit. Yeah. You came just in time. You actually missed a, I mean, I would say, like a heartbreakingly beautiful performance

from Dar. Hmm. Wow, but wait. Next up to the stage is Junior Missions, whatever his name is. Do a talent, just hurry up. Wait, what's going on?

Nermit, this is Dodeca Helen. She's an immortal, all-knowing, telepathic, telekinetic shape. We're doing a talent show for her. I need this. Well, I don't do any sort of performance. Nermin, we have recently

become aware that you do a number of performances vocally in your cleaning chamber. That is on my private computer? I don't think it's as private as you... I mean, it's government property. I use a different screen name. Your screen name is Bermit Nundeloy?

Yes. It's not my name. It's unguessable. It's my name with a different letter on each of them. We understand what you're doing. Okay. Okay, guys. Here we go.

One, two, three, four. Got a long speeder ride, hopping on my speeder. Gonna ride it, ride it. Got a long speeder ride, gonna ride this speeder a long time. All night, all night, speeding on this speeder. It's a ride. I'm speeding on this speeder. It's a ride.

Speeding on the speeder because I'm firm and I'm blowing. I worked his own name into the song. Oh, that's good. That was pretty good. Pretty good. Thank you. Pretty good stuff. Nice.

And finally, our final act. You know, you have whatever feelings you want to feel towards him. The pink one, black. Let's see. Thank you, Bargy, for such an introduction that was for me. Ladies and gentlemen, you see before you a glass of filtered water from Bargy's refrigerator. C-53, can you tell me what the temperature of this water is? Indeed, it is 43 degrees. 43 degrees.

That's quite cold by anyone's measurement. Well, not exactly. Until, ladies and gentlemen, I deposit a very special item into this water. This is a moderately large, fairly warm bean that I have procured from a magical world.

Oh, boy. I shall put the bean in the cold water. Any other bean would not have an effect on the temperature of the water, but this bean radiates a heat whose source none can name. I am putting the bean in the water. I don't know what will happen.

This is the most exciting moment of my life. The water shouldn't be bubbling like that. The bean is not hot enough to cause the water to boil. The relic is bubbling. Right, but the bean itself is low boiling. It shouldn't make the water boil.

While I'm waiting for the bean to do its little trick. You missed the large deity floating in space. Yeah. Where are you from? Right here. Oh, yeah. This is not a talent. You're just talking to people.

It's called crowd work. You here on a date? No, you know that. That was mean. No, no, you're just talking to people. It's just, it's called crowd work. You here on a date? No, you know that. That was mean. No, no, I'm just trying to, I'm trying to. I've always been alone. All right, all right, all right, all right. C-53.

Yes. Keep in mind, ladies and gentlemen, his restraining bolt prevents him from telling a lie. C-53, can you tell me the temperature of this glass of water? Water is now 271 degrees, although the bean remains much cooler than that. Uh-huh. And C-53, as we all know,

water boils at 212 degrees. That is correct. How is this possible? A magician never tells. Isn't this technically a talent of the bean? It is a talent of the bean. Wow, thank you very much, Black Dexeter. Give it up for the bean.

The bean. I'm merely the bean's keeper. I make no claims to have the powers of the bean. I just showcase its abilities. Bean's keeper Dexeter, I don't know if this was a great idea. That relic was entrusted to us. Its protection is essential. Also, I can feel it starting to crack.

Okay, I'm going to take this bean out of this water. I think we've made our point. I don't know how else to tell you to ship me the bean. I have said it literally. Well, now that it's maybe won me this talent show I have no use for it You can have it sir Who is the winner of the talent show?

That is my job This is my talent right? My talent is hosting Yeah yeah Hey Who won? I think my version was a little diplomatic There's a surprise guest.

It's me. What? This is a surprise. My shtick is I do poetry with my ventriloquist dummy. It's a cube. So get ready, buckle up. I don't actually have a buckle. Buckle up, Nermit.

This is titled... It's actually not necessary for you to find a buckle. You don't have to find a buckle. You know what? Forget it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't take a, Helen, please. Tell us your ventriloquist poem. Please, we need to see something better than the previous act.

Otherwise, that's the one the show ends on. Okay, let me... I raised water above its boiling temperature. The bean did. The bean did that. No! No, we're so sorry. We will remain silent. Okay, let me just get

cubey here. That's a cube. Alright, the title of this poem is Twelve Days, Twelve Wishes, 10 Months. Twist. As I spin, I think of you, Mom.

As I lie flat, I think of you second dimension. As I do this, I think of all the galaxies that have come and gone. I'm Cubie. You can't even see her eleventh side moving at all. I'm not done. Boom.

This is who I am. I go down. I go I am I go down I go down I go down Splash And that's a wish Get ready Get on your feet

This girl's about to beat One wing One flipper Two knives Cubies trying it on for size Hey one wing, one flipper, two knives. Cubie's trying it on for size. Hey! Yay!

Oh my god. Cubie is so jaunty compared to your normal attitude. Cubie's the star. That was amazing. The both of you were perfect. Okay. The imagery of that poem was very unsettling. Thank you.

Okay, but who won? QB's the winner. Hooray. All right, we all agree. Great job, QB. Well done, QB. Well deserved. And now QB gets to do his winner's speech.

To the stage, QB. Well, what's there to say? What a great day. A lot of great talent we saw. Super fun. Bargerian Jade, what an honor it was to have you here. Oh, it was an honor to be here. I haven't hosted since the Cuckoo Awards.

You wouldn't know it. C53, man, that pie was so delicious. Excellent joke, QB. And Dar, I'll say this. I was looking and I could see tears go down all 12 sides of Dodeca Helen during that dance. Oh, thank you very much. I hadn't danced in a long time. I forgot how it makes me feel.

And Nermit Bundeloy? Yeah. Wow, what a song. Really could feel the speed of the speeder in that song. Great, you can subscribe to my channel if you want. Don't promo this right now. And Ambassador Dexeter, what can we say? The beam did most of the work.

But the real honor goes to Doe Deca Helen. What an incredible poem. Oh, thank you, QB. And I couldn't have done it without QB right here. Hey, wait. Looks like there are two glowing points coming towards us. Oh, Dodecagon, you manage to vacate this sector as fast as you can. Oh, don't worry.

She's turning them around with her psychic power. No! And they're going back to the point of origin. And that ship has exploded. Whoa! Junior Missions Operations Manager, you may have some explaining to do back at headquarters. Oh, we may have just killed

a Clint ship. Did you just explode a Clint ship? I did. They used them against me, and today is the first day I've felt good about myself. This is why I needed a talent show. Dodeca Helen, can I just ask?

I mean, it's amazing because it seems like when you were speaking through QB, you have such a verve for life, and so much optimism and pizzazz. What if you could just channel that when you are you? Yeah. QB was in me all along.

I feel great. I feel I can do anything. I feel I can spin. Dodecagon is moving very fast for a celestial body. Okay, we are being pulled in her gravitational wave. Bershi, back up, back up. We're too close. Oh, I'm bursting with confidence.

She's changing shapes. She's got grown legs. What? Whoa, with little 17-inch heels. Oh. Oh, look at these getaway sticks. I feel great. They do look fabulous. They really do.

They look buxom. I don't know if I agree with that. They do. They're buxom. Fucks up. Toadak Allen is now a member of the Federated Alliance. Yeah, we got one. Great. Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bundel. I must say, your skills dealing with Doe Deck Allen were not insignificant. You really think so?

Yeah, you really turned her around. Wait, what do you mean? You connected with her on a very deep level. Yeah, it was really sweet, Nermit. You mean, did I do diplomacy? You really sweet, Nermin. You really did, yes. I think you really did do diplomacy, Nermin. I mean, she did kill Clintz. She did kill Clintz.

Oh, sure. This was a very win-lose. Wow. Was that at least a thousand Clint's about that show. A thousand? Well, he's one of the large Clint cruisers. Oof. The only consolation is that as they're dying,

they're probably really happy to watch the other ones die. That might give them some small satisfaction, it's true. Anyway, but you know what? I think it's worth whatever is coming down on me to have just gotten to be in here in the mix with you guys. It was good to have you on board for a mission, you know? Yeah. Fleck, Dar, Bargy, C, and Nermit.

Yeah. Those are our names? Those are our names. Those are our names. I'm worried about the bean. The bean probably should not have gotten that wet or that hot it's still cracking what you know we'll put it in transit and you'll uh get to see it for yourself yes just send it okay we can probably fix it we'll glue it we shall send the bean what's different about the other

the you've told me you'll send the bean other times why is this different than the times when you didn't send the bean? It's no different. Wait, Darf, it's no different. That means you're not going to send the bean. It was so great talking to you, Nermit. I know you're not going to send the bean, so you send it. Great talking with you, Nermit.

You're not sending the bean, I assume. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That would be really inconvenient for all of us. It's cracked. We can't send a cracked bean. Very well. Then I shall resume my recitation. 3, 0, 6, 6, 4, 7, 0, 9, 3, 4, 4, 6, 0, 9, 5, 5, 0, 5, 8.

Just thought I was particularly good at it. You are very good. You are very good at it are very good at it. Very good at it. I didn't get to do my talent. What's your talent? Seven, eight, six, seven. I'm just naming numbers.

That's it. Just naming the number of X's I've had. Bada bing, bap, boom, bop, boom, choo, choo, choo. Ah! See Red IT-5 Credits and Attributions Droid Commencing Outro Protocol Ambassador Plekdex Center was played by Alden Ford C-53 was played by Jeremy Bend Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kokesh Bargy the Ship was played by Mujan Zalfagari

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermin Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind. Cloned Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers were played by Winston Noll. Dodeca Helen was played by special guest Caitlin Puckett. Caitlin performs with Ice Gold Bev at the Upright Assistance Brigade in New York. You can follow her on Instagram at katipuckett. That's C-A-I-T-I, Puckett. Mission to Zix is recorded at Bronze Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell. This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade

by Eric Gois. Mission to Ziggs is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom. Have you noticed a critical error in our canon? Send an email to crew at missiontoziggs.space. You see before you a glass of filtered water

from Bargy's refrigerator. Here we go. C-53, can you tell me what the temperature of this water is? Yes, that water is 61 degrees. Well, it's been out for a little while. The towel has just been here pretty long. It's warmed up a little bit. Do you want me to say a lower number?

I had no idea. In front of the refrigerator. Sure. Oh no. Bargy, our refrigerator is open. I just like it in that temperature. Why is that funny? We should not be keeping dairy at 61 degrees.

It's space. C53, can you tell me what the temperature of this water is? Indeed, it is 43 degrees.