Mission To Zyxx - 114: There Are No Second Chances [ft. Lydia Hensler]

Episode Date: December 6, 2017

The crew is summoned to the planet Klongtdt, which is spelled like that and full of children. Bargie wagers. C-53 enforces the rules. Dar does their actual job, for better or worse. Featuring: Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy and Unflappable Child Winston Noel as Centurion Tiddle and Garful Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and Excited Kid With special guest Lydia Hensler as Squirlt Edited by Alden Ford Recorded at Braund Studios by Shane O’Connell Sound Design and Mix by Shane O’Connell Music by Brendan Ryan Opening Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Special Thanks to Anna Rubanova

The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil Galactic Monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2. Okay, who wants another sundae? Oh, yeah, I'll take one.

I mean, if you're offering, I'll be fine. There you go.'ll buy the other. There you go. This is the best. I used a couple of croons I had and just got myself delivery of an interior ice cream machine. Putting it to good use. Yeah, that's really self-sacrificing of you, Bargy. Yeah, that's very kind.

Wait, can you eat ice cream or is this really just for us? No, I just enjoy other people inside of me consuming food I wish I could consume. I just like gas. You know, that's really, really nice of you, Bargy. Bargy, do you have bad news to tell us? Yeah, I do. What? Yeah.

This is a classic misdirect. Yeah, my parents did this when they told me they were separating. So, as you all know, I have a gambling problem. And as a result, I'm going to... No, no, wait, wait, we need to go step back. We did not know you had a gambling problem. Yeah, we didn't know that. Well, is everything okay?

What happened? No, you know, you go off, you do your missions. I just feel all I do is just drop you off and wait until you get inside of me again. And so I just, I'm off doing whatever it is that you do. And I go off and gamble things. Many, like, engine parts and, you know. Wait, wait, Bargy. Dairies and beds and furniture and...

Who wants another ice cream? Guys, hold on. I just need to check my room real quick. That was your own decision. The mattress box that I fashioned into a mattress is gone. You lost your mattress box. Yeah, well, remember when the mattress came and it was an empty box?

No, no, I heard it was an empty box. Bargy, how hard up were you that you had to sell a broken down cardboard box? Um, uh, basically I had to everything. That's the thing. Sorry. Big surprise.

I also abetted you guys and I have until the end of the day to bring up enough money or else you belong to someone else. It's like another ship. It's not a big deal. It's fun. It's fun and games.

But anyway, I'll have until the end of the day to figure it out. But I'm sorry. Don't even worry about it. It's fine. Okay. Already fine. Yeah. All right.

Ambassador Dexter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Dundaloy. Nermit. Hey, guys. Hang on. I'm just sending off a message to a internet admirer and sender. Wait, what?

Backup. Huh? Wait, what's happening? Well, I mean, you know now that I obviously am an entertainer of sorts from what was revealed. Oh, you're talking about Dirt Nendley? Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, that's, yeah. You're talking about Speeder, right? No, well, I just, you know,

I was messaging with someone who was asking how to get into the biz, and Did you have a lot of advice? What biz do you consider yourself to be in, Nermit? You record those by yourself in the cleaning chamber. Yeah, but you can sort of eventually, someone's going to reach out and say,

I would like to sponsor you, and then it's an additional income stream. You said eventually someone reaches out to you. Has that happened to you yet? No, no, no, that's in the future. So I was telling this person, what you want to make sure you have is, like, a computer with a microphone. You have that little keyboard you play when you sing as well, right?

Completely normal-sized keyboard. Yeah, it's pretty small. Well, yeah. But Talarian couldn't play that keyboard. Yeah, I couldn't. My finger's too fat. Okay, so here is, here's the deal. This came through, and I was like, oh, exciting. So you were going to, I don't know if you've heard of the planet Klontotot.

No. No? Okay. I hadn't either, and then I read about it. Was that a stutter, or is that what the name of the... No, the planet's name is Klontotot. Yes. Can you spell that? Yes, it's K-L-O-N-G-T-D-T.

Clonk-ta-ta-ta. Clonk-ta-ta-ta. Okay, so... That's too far. Too many. Okay. Sorry. I'm still working it out.

And we have very little information about the dignitary you're meeting other than apparently this person is number one. All it says after the, you know, normally there's a little bio or something, and it says number one, and the entity's name is Squirtle. Squirtle. Yes. So, I don't know. I mean, that sounds like.

Are we to understand that Squirtle is a powerful entity on Club? It's well known that if something has one name, that's always a telling thing. Known as a power move. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Listen, guys. To Clunked. To Clunked. That was good.

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Wow. Look at all these impeccably dressed children. Yes, they are remarkably well-groomed. It's horrifying. There are an abnormal number of children on Quartet today so far. We may be in the proximity of some sort of training academy or boarding school. Hey, Plek? I lost a shoe. Plek?

Yeah? That one over there, do you think he's giving me, like, the eye or something? Well, I mean, you're really big. Maybe he thinks you're, like, some sort of... I smell ice cream. That one, I smell ice cream. Okay, that really demanding one over there? Yeah.

Wait, where's that ice cream coming from? That ice cream smell. I mean, honestly, it could be any of us. We got ice cream. We're very full of ice cream. In fact, I... It's in you. I can see it.

Excuse you? It's moving through your... Don't touch me. C-53, is this like a planet where everyone's a child? How would that work, Ambassador Dexeter? I don't know. That's a question for you. That's a classic C-53 question.

It is not a planet of children. I'm just saying, like... I can't even send us here because they love us. Yeah, our parents love us. This is the most prestigious academy in the quadrant. What do you mean the academy? This whole... It's a small planet, but the whole thing is a school.

When your parents love you, they send you away. Yeah. I guess so. To be that was that's what happened to me i was i was 22 so i'm not sure if it's the same you're an adult but your parents sent you away yeah well they were like do they not love you well they were like get a job that's like the same thing right and you couldn't get a job on ranga's side i didn't want to be a farmer so i joined the federated alliance now i get a job on Rangus Fest. I didn't want to be a farmer, so I joined the Federated Alliance. Now I get to go on space adventures every day. Huh? What do you think of that?

You want to be an ambassador when you grow up? Chuck, no. Okay, fair enough. Chuck the Federated Alliance. Whoa, you can't say that. I can say whatever I want. Well, for now, you're going to have to say, I'll hail the Federated Alliance. Or what?

Or I will crush your hand. No, Stephen, do me. What? No, no, don't do that. I'm sorry, but... What? Or what? No. C-53, don't do that. No, I know that that's technically the rule. What? No, no, no, no. I'm going to tell Squirt. You're going to tell... Oh, crap.

C-53, listen. We've got to talk about the insubordination thing. Like, you can't harm a child. Invest in our tech center. The insubordination rules are clearly laid out in the Federated Alliance handbook. Yeah, but see, I mean, it's just, he's just a kid. Hey, stupid boots! Okay, now...

What? Jucking stupid boots? I was just sticking up for you. I was literally in the process of sticking up for you. So? The big one is cool, the droid is cruel, you've got stupid jucking boots. These are standard issue

boots, by the way. And this is Squirrel. Hi! Hello, hey, thanks so much for inviting us. My name's Ambassador Plek Dexeter, I'm here with the Federated Alliance. This is C-53. Oh my gosh! And this is Dar. Hi, I'm Jennifer Squirrel.

It's nice to meet you. Oh, hi. Hello. I'm the holographer at the school here, and it's holo day. Holo day. Holo day. Oh, happy holo day.

Happy holo day. When I say holo, you say day. Day. Holo. Holo. Holo. Day. Happy day.

Day. Holo. Day. Holo. I'm Besson or Dexeter. I believe we had wandered into a school holo day. Do you remember having one like this on Rangus 6? I mean a hollow. Yay. Hello. Ambassador Dexeter, I believe we had wandered into a school hollow day. Do you remember having one like this on Rangus 6? I mean, yeah.

Yeah, we'd get our hollows taken and I'd always have to comb my hair. It was no fun. Parents would buy hollows of varying sizes. Right. Yep, yep. Squirt, squirt. Am I next? Am I next?

Is it my hollow day? Yes, you can. Yes, you can. All right. Go. What background did you order? I ordered the opaque background with a little bit of red sparkles on it. Great. Okay. Let me just pull that down.

Great. Okay. Hop up on that stool there. All right. Take a moment and intend what you'd like to be in the future. All right. Here we go. Three, two, one. Say future. Future! Okay. That was was great No second chances Alright bye bye Whoa

I Listen I don't know What just happened there But that was intense It's hollow day Yeah yeah Happy hollow day Happy hollow day

Okay Alright alright What were you saying About the future Oh yeah So here's Here's what's fun About hollow day

Your entire future Is determined by this day. How? So, okay, here on Clonk, by the way, how did you find the place? Oh, GPS? Yeah. Great. Set of coordinates. Galactic positioning system.

Great. Okay, a lot of people fly right by us. Do they fly right by you, or do they avoid a planet full of very loud children? Okay. Dara doesn't like children. You don't like children? Yeah, she's bad with children. Really? I'm not saying I'm bad with them.

I just have already chosen that they suck. I've been inside of this flap for a really long time. Ah! Ah! Get out! Oh, Dara, that kid was in your flap? inside of this flap for a really long time. Get out! That kid was in your flap? I can almost get the ice cream.

You going this far for already eaten ice cream? Shut up! Get out! I won't shut up. Somebody help. I'm stuck. Well, maybe I'd help if I wasn't so busy shutting up. Gross! Jiminy, get out of that flap. You're up. I'm trying. Well, maybe I'd help if I wasn't so busy shutting up. Gross! Jiminy, get out of that flap. You're up. I'm trying to get out.

Get out of the flap. You don't want me to take your hollow in a flap. That's not going to be good news for you. No, I don't want my hollow in a flap. All right, down. You cannot come out of flap. You have to go out of chute. What?

You cannot come out of flap. You have to come out of chute. But I'm about to get my hollow made. I don't exit out flaps. I exit out the chutes. Okay. Miss Squirrel, I'm going to have to climb up through this flap. Oh, well.

Three, two, one. You've been hollowed. No second chances. Okay. Bye-bye. That hollow is just of that kid's feet going into Dar's flap. He has zero future. What?

Yeah, well, so on holo day, we've set up the kids, and they get to pick their background, and we take their holo, and then print it on the backside of the holo is what is in store for them for their future. And how is that determined? Yeah. Well, I sort of do it uh but it's a power that was um wished into me

so i am not in control of it i'm merely a vessel for the future determining so i'm the one that does the hollowing but i uh the future is just sort of beyond me. That's cute. So you just kind of assign these kids little professions? Oh, no, it's like their entire future. I believe Jennifer Skrull may be precognitive in some manner. Yeah, that's crazy. So how often are you wrong about that? Oh, I've never been wrong. Never been wrong?

I've never been wrong. You determine their futures correctly every time. Every single time. Jiminy, who's in your flap, he'll never come out your chute. What? No, no, no. Sorry, that's his future. No, no, I don't want, not only do I not want kids,

I've never wanted a kid inside of me. You're not a mother. You're just stuck with a child in your chute. That's his future. No second chances. Happy holiday. Wow. Oh, I really liked him, too.

Listen, Jiminy, I'm not happy about this either. I hope this is not a fate that befalls more children at this particular institution. Keep your flaps closed, please. Wow, policing my body? No, no, no. This is a flap-positive planet. I didn't ask for a child.

He did that without consent. This is a flap-positive planet. I didn't ask for a child. He did that without consent. This is a flap-positive planet. I'm just saying if you're going to walk around with open flaps, kids might fall in them. I don't know. It's not a judgment. It's just the reality of clonked. I have very tight flaps. Okay, I'm just saying.

Here on clonked, kids can just fall into flaps. They are everywhere. It's happened before. It'll happen again. You're so sticky and gross, and he was exploring something that he shouldn't have been. Miss Squirrel, Miss Squirrel. What's up? I was wondering if I could get my holo tank in right now.

Okay. Well, it's holo day. Yeah, I know it's holo day, but there's an order to things. Oh, okay. Garfle. What? Garfle, what have I told you about rushing your destiny, huh? Don't. Yeah, that's right, Garfle. I told you about rushing your destiny, huh? Don't.

Yeah, that's right, Garfle. I said don't rush your destiny. All right, pick a background. Heroic background. Okay, here we go. Stand on that rock. Okay. All right.

Oh, wow, one leg up on the rock. That is pretty heroic. I want to be a space architect. Like LeCrane LaCrosse. Yeah, it's my favorite movie. Okay, here we go. Think about your future. Okay.

Think about what you want. Here we go. Three, two, one. Hollow. Say hollow. Say hollow. No fucking chances. Whoa.

What was that? Your turn. What. What was that? What? What was that? Oh, that's just a hollow dick. When your voice went all scary. Well, there's just no second chances. You get one take at your hollow, and then that's your life. Okay.

All right. Well, I'm sorry. You're going to take care of your invalid mother for the rest of your day. That's kind of nice, Groffle. Shut up. Wow. So my destiny, my entire destiny is, what happens when my invalid mother passes away?

She won't. What? Oh, no. That's right. My species is, we're Methuselans. Oh, yeah. No, Methuselans, yeah, they just sort of get old and stay there. Yeah, ironically, they get old early and then just stay old for extremely long time.

I think I'm next. Oh, yes, please. Yeah, come on in. How's my shirt look? It's very nice. My shirt. Your what? Shirt.

Are you trying to say the word shirt? Yeah, my shirt. His tongue was cut off. Oh. I'm very sorry. It was a punishment. It's a real gaffe. All right, hop on up.

Okay. Your sir looks good. What? Your sir, the sir looks good. Yeah, it looks good. I don't think it should cause you any physical injury. Okay. Are you guys offended, though?

Because his shirt does say, Juck the Federated Alliance. I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate that shirt. Whoa, is this C? He just ripped it off his body. Oh, my gosh. C-53. Oh, boy.

My favorite shirt. That's okay. It's okay. How's my torso look? Pretty unflappable kid. I'm going to lean on this scaffolding. Great. All right, here we go.

Three, two, one, future! There are no second chances. Huh? What am I? Oh, you're going to be a great ship builder. Woo! Yes. This kid?

Yes. A great ship builder? Can we hear you say ship? I can't wait to build a ship. Yep. He's going to be a great ship builder? He's going to be a great ship builder. He's going to be a great ship builder. Build the biggest ships.

He's going to make ships out of great. Can't shock the Federated Alliance. Oh, C-53. Excuse me. I am sorry. It is holiday. There's no violence on holiday. All subjects of the Federated Alliance must abide by the laws of the Federated Alliance.

Stop. C-53, we cannot. We are ambassadors. We cannot be doing that. You must understand that the prime directive of all Federated Alliance ambassadors is to quench the rebellion. What rebellion? What are you talking about?

I don't think that's true. You guys settle this. Everyone out of my way. I'm getting my hollow taken. Oh, while you guys settle this, everyone out of my way. I'm getting my holo taken. Oh, you have to wait a lot. Ugh. You have to wait a lot. You have to wait a lot. Yeah, I'm up next. Centurion,

pick out a... Centurion, that's a cool name. Yeah, it's a rad name. It's the best rad damn name in the quadrant. Okay, now you're getting a little cocky. Yeah, I'm Centurion Tittle. Deal with it. What? No, it's just you've got a really cool. Okay, now you're getting a little cocky. Yeah, I'm Centurion Tittle. Deal with it. What?

No, it's just you've got a really cool first name, but your last name is Little. It's embarrassing. Shut up. Wow. Shut up. Your last name is Tittle? Why don't you jerk yourself? Whoa.

Whoa, come on. All right, Centurion language, okay? Pick out your background. Ooh, yeah, this one. Black hole. Yeah. Why a black hole? Because I guess how I feel sometimes.

It's like no one gives me. Okay, Centurion, happy holiday on three. Here we go. One, two, three. Happy holiday. There are no second chances! That was by far the biggest one. That was like a cold wind

peeing through. Did you notice that? Oh, wow. Uh, you're a traitor. What? What? You're a traitor. You're going to betray the Federated Alliance. Oh, yeah. Well, of course I am. Wait, of course you are? Yeah. My dad is Rolfus Tittle. He's a commander in the Rebellion. Rolfus Tittle?, of course you are? Yeah. My dad is Rolfus Tittle.

He's a commander in the Rebellion. The son of Rolfus Tittle? Yeah. That last name, it doesn't work with anything. On turret override. What? Known associate of commander. Oh, what's happening?

Rebels and underwear salesman Rolfus Tittle. It's a side gig. Okay. Identity confirmed. It's a side gig. Okay. Identity confirmed. Vaporization commencing. Nope. See, this isn't a good prank anymore. Okay.

All right. All right. See? Darn! Darn. What did you do? I... Hey, I'm free! Dar?

Are you okay? We're gonna be fine. Yeah. You know what? Plek, you and I, we're gonna be... Yeah. We're going to be fine. Yeah. You know what? Plek, you and I, we're going to be okay. Everything's great. Everything's great.

Yeah. I had to dismember our friend. Yeah. I have to say, that was very impressive. I mean, C-53 is big, and he's made of metal, and you just, I mean, just was like tearing a piece of i destroyed him i destroyed him oh no no it's just i mean he's and i was only an op i was only operating at like 60 and i i ruined him you wrecked you straight up wrecked i wrecked him well listen hey don't take it so hard. You did the right thing. And honestly, it was, it was, you're the security officer. You did your job.

I did my job. I did my job. Everything's back to normal. I won so many croons. Ah, da, da, da, da, da, da. You don't have to go anywhere. Bargy, great. That is great.

That's great. Bargy, thank you. How'd you do it? I don't like to disclose that information, but let's say it may come to haunt me in the future. Oh, no. Bargy. Oh, no. We got to answer this.

Okay. We can do this. We can answer. It's totally fine. We'll be fine. I'm just going to... We have to... Our store... Yep. I'll follow your lead. I'm following your. We'll be fine. I'm just going to... We have to... Our store...

Yep. No. I'll follow your lead. I'm following your lead. Oh, crap. All right. Here we go. Hey, Nermits.

Nermits. Wow. Wow. Hey. Hi. Hi, hi, hi. Hi. Hi.

Just a couple of buds hanging out on Hollow, right? That's the type of enthusiasm I like. Yep. Well, you know why we're so enthusiastic why is that was a smooth saline mission yeah mission accomplished it was the best terrific so cool so what was the what was what was the deal what was squirrel's deal uh she is an excellent cook excellent cook wow that's wellit, we wish you the best of luck. Great mission. One for the books.

And we will talk soon. Before I go, I just want to say I really, really appreciate that I can trust you guys 100%. It just makes me feel so good. You guys are just on the level with me. Anyway, until next time. Okay. Have a good one. Bye, Nerm. Bye.

I mean, it was really easy to hide C-53's absence from Nermit. Okay, have a good one. Bye. Bye. Yeah, I guess that was... Yep, one. Why do people talk? Talking is stupid. Bart, on the count of three, Plek and I will tell you what we did if you tell us what you did. Yep. One, two, three. We murdered C-53. What? You got rid of the ice cream machine? No!

Bart, you know? See you next time. Bargy the Ship and the Excited Student were played by Lujan Zolfagari. Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and the Unflappable Student were played by Seth Lind. Garful, Jiminy, and Centurion Tittle were played by Winston Knoll. Jennifer Skrull was played by special guest Lydia Hensler. Lydia is a New York-based actor and writer. You can catch her improvising at the UCB Theater with her team Grandma's Ashes and in the flagship show, Ask Kat. For jokes and angry liberal retweets, follow her on Twitter at Lydia Hensler. For pics of graffiti, her dog, or new hats she's bought, find her on

Instagram at Lydia Schmidia. Mission to Six is recorded at Bronze Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell. This episode edited by Alden Ford. With sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Gois. Special thanks to Anna Rubinova for assisting with sound. Mission to Ziggs is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom. Have you noticed a critical error in our canon? Send an email to crew at missiontoziggs.space. I think I'm next. Oh, yes, please.

Yeah, come on in. How's my cert look? How's your cert look? My cert look. Your cert? How does your cert look? My cert. Your what?

Mike Tyson, what are you doing back here? Okay, yeah yeah it's the fucking bartender's kid well if you put like a thing over it like a high voice how's my sir look how does your what look your what sir are you trying to say the word shirt

yeah my sir his tongue was cut off. Oh. I'm very sorry. It was a punishment. It's a real gas. It was a punishment for wearing... The wrong suit.

Well, yes. Ironic in a way.