Mission To Zyxx - 116: X-Marse in Chimnacia [ft. Paul F. Tompkins]

Episode Date: December 20, 2017

The crew enjoys a well deserved day off for X-Marse. Oh wait. Nope. They are deployed to the sooty planet Chimnacia, where they encounter a hardworking raconteur. Bargie plays the hits and flops. Dar is spared from family drama. Pleck makes it about himself. Who fancies C-53’s new voice? Featuring: Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar and Brianna the Log Flume Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy and Urchin Bot with a Weird Accent Winston Noel as ART_DODGA and Aggressive Urchin Bot Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie, Broken Urchin Bot, and The Great Beast With special guest Paul F. Tompkins as Rip Seeso Edited by Seth Lind Recorded at Argot Studios by Paul Ruest Sound Design and Mix by Shane O’Connell Music by Brendan Ryan Opening Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz

The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil Galactic Monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2. Hey, Bargy. Yep.

Happy Ex-Mars. Huh? Yeah, happy Ex-Mars, yeah. Happy Exmars. Huh? Yeah, happy Exmars, yeah. You're going to open your boot? Can you manipulate it? Is there, like, arms that come out of the control? You know, I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling Exmars-y this year.

I just... No, Bargy, why? I've been through a lot. You know, I have troubles with my son. I'm feeling older. I feel like my engine parts just aren't working the way they used to. Oh, Bargy. But there's one thing that will make me happy.

Oh, okay. If we all gather around. If we all gather around. Sure, sure. If we all. Oh, right. I should wake Dar up, actually. I always get up really early on Exmars because I'm, like, excited.

I still feel like a kid, you know? I get up early. Let me go wake her up. Hey, Dar. Happy X-Mars! Whoa, Dar! This is the happiest I've ever seen you. I love a paid work holiday. Oh, I get that's what it's about. Yeah. Okay, great. I just get to kick back, open a couple boots, drink a little neg. neg Sure It'd be great Sure I never got into egg neg It's so thick I love it I mean you know

Obviously the tradition is You open it You tilt it On X Mars Eve And then By X Mars morning There's a glass of egg neg for you Right

And I love it Wow I didn't know You were so festive Dar Are you gonna open your boot? Oh not yet It's not time. Oh. Alright. Let me just go turn on the electric fireplace. Classic X-Mars tradition.

Ambassador Dexter, I'm inside this fireplace. I would be happy to activate it for you. Oh, okay. Great. So C-53, just go ahead and turn yourself on. I feel it's much safer here than being in the dehumidifier. Sure. Thank you for bringing a little warmth and light into our Exmars morning. It's my great pleasure.

I'm happy to be away from the risk of getting water on my cube. Ambassador Dixit, do you come from a place where you open your boots on Exmars Eve? Straight out. Right out. No, no, no, no, no. Straight. First thing, Exmars morning. Oh, okay.

Some places have a tradition of opening their boots on Exmars Eve. Some do it on the day of X-Mars. In some cultures, X-Mars is a 12-day celebration that lasts from X-Mars to Ascension. Wow, what happens on Ascension? People start to ascend. It's a very different culture. On Rangus 6, on X-Mars, everybody just gets drunk. That is very common. Oh yeah, it's incredibly common.

My family always gets drunk on ExMars. And then we fight each other. Whoa, really? Oh, yeah. Is that like a cultural tradition, or is it like your family's sort of chucked up? No, that's a cultural tradition. Okay, I wasn't sure if when you said fight, it was like a battle, or whether it was just like yelling at each other. We bury someone by the end of the day.

Whoa, someone in your family. I mean, the whole planet is people I'm related to. I guess we could go back far enough. No, my whole planet is just people I'm related to. Oh. That's a lot of boots. That's a lot of boots. Are you sad not to be home for next winter's turn?

Oh. I never really thought of it. I guess. Although, I guess this year, you know, I don't have to worry about dying. Yeah, you're going to miss the battle. Yeah. Hey! This is the Bargerian Jade Exmars special.

Oh, wow. Wow. That's very impressive. I just saved X-Mas. Everyone, here is my oil. Hooray. We did it. We did it, everyone. We did it. We saved here is my oil. Hooray. We did it. We did it, everyone.

We did it. We saved Exmars. We did it. Is that the whole thing? Don't forget to buy the Bajie toys in stores now. Oh, that's... That's what it was. Crassly commercial.

Yeah. The 12th Exmars special, if I remember correctly, that was the one that the director was like, it didn't happen, it's not canon, it was hard to watch. It should be mentioned it did make a lot of crap. Of course, yeah. Bean Arthur was in it. Bean Arthur? Yeah. I forgot about Bean Arthur.

That one was... I invented X-Mas. I invented X-Mas. Yay! Yay! I can see how that would... I wouldn't want that to be canon. That seems like I invented X-Mars. Yay! Yay! Oh, yeah. I can see how that would... I wouldn't want that to be canon. That seems like...

That would ruin the whole... Dean Arthur was shot during the following event. That was real? Yep. You know, Barshi, you've got all of these X-Mars movies, and I feel like they all tell a different story. Like, what? Yeah, they tell I didn't spend much time with my family during the holiday.

Yeah. At Bessner Dick Center, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Buckleway. Happy ExMars, Nermit. Happy ExMars, Nermy. Happy ExMars, team. Yeah. Happy ExMars, Nermit. Wait a second.

I can... C-53, your voice is coming from, like, that fireplace? Oh, yeah. We put C-53's cube in there just for ExMars. Festive. Well, you know, Nermit, it's great to get a call from you today, especially since we all have the day off. I know. Isn't that amazing?

I just wanted to call and say, hey, say happy XMARS. Thank you, Nermy. Happy XMARS. Wait a second. Something's coming through. I bet it's an XMARS card. Let me just check this out. I feel like it's a little cheap to email an XMARS card.

All right, so here is our XMARS card, and it says, Your mission... Oh, no. What? Does it have the traditional structure of an XMARS card where we would be wished happy XMARS at the beginning? No, not at all. It says, As is custom, Mary,

the lowest-ranked ambassador team is sent on a mission on... No way! We're the lowest-ranked team? That's not possible. No way we're the lowest ring team that's not possible i think that's possible so here's the mission we're going on we are going to the planet chimnacia in the zix quadrant chimnacia chimnacia cool and uh the the purpose is to... Wow. You are supposed to find the true meaning of Exmars. That sort of, like, makes it okay, right? That you have to work? Junior Missions Operations Manager Nirmat Vendulay, I must stop you.

Sure. Is this one of those missions where we're going to go down to the planet, search around, come back to Bargy, and then realize the true meaning of Exmars was aboard the Bargerian Jade all along. Oh man, we have had so many missions like that. Let me guess, the meaning of X-Mars is like love or friendship or something like that,

right? I mean, literally it doesn't say. They're saying you have to go figure it out. If they said it on the mission instructions, they probably just would say that someone else did it. I had my date planned. I was gonna turn off one of my engines, go in a slow circle, and let some oil drip. That's a big day.

That's a big day. That's a tradition I do. Huh. Well, I guess save that for tomorrow. Do we have tomorrow off instead? Let's look here. Nope, there's another mission. Anyway, this seems like an honor, right? You get to find the true meaning of X-Bars.

All right, well, let's give it a shot, I guess. Get out there. I'm excited to know what it is. All right, let's head out. Bargy, AC-53, you want to join us on this mission? I suppose you could carry my cube around in the carrying case until you find a suitable receptacle. It has a carrying case?

Have you just been free-handing my cue? Sorry. Wow, this is... This is a smoky docking bay. Sooty. Sooty. My name is... Uh... N-R-T... Dodger! This is a smoky docking bay. Sooty. Sooty. Morning, governor. My name is...

Uh... N-R-T. Don't you? Hello. That's me, Mona. What? Sure. Yeah, I mean, you're telling me.

I don't know. That's a very quaint hat you have on. Oh, thank you very much. Each spare... Spare croon it to you, huh? Hey, you know what? Actually, I will give you... Mmm... Three croons if you will eject your cube for me.

Just for a little while. No, that seems wrong. No, no, no. No, I don't want you to... Did you finally find me, friend? Oh, no. It's done. You might as well give me the croon. Give him the croon.

Okay. At your service, ART Dodger. Okay, great. Listen, ART Dodger, can you just promise me you'll find another frame for that cube? Oh, I'm, yeah, I'll definitely find a frame for this cube. I will not throw it in the river. No, stop.

I will not. Okay, but see, you winked and you crossed, like, two of your little pincher digits, so it feels like. Right. That's the old ancient motto. Oh. Okay. Bye, then. May your X-Mas's the old ancient Zorro. Oh. Okay. Bye then.

May your X-Mas be the freshest. Okay, thanks. Thanks. Oh boy. All right, C-53, here you go. All right, I'll put it into the frame of the robot we just paid to murder. I don't feel like that's what I wanted to have happen. Booting up.

Oh, boy. C-53. C-53, how did you get the same accent? Oh, boy. That might get obnoxious after a while. All right, well, uh... Can you move in that frame? I can move it.

This leg seems to be a bit shorter than the other one. Um... Is there perhaps a small, uh... Crutch? Yes. You know what, guys? We gotta stop screwing around. We gotta get to the mission.

I'm feeling a bit humbled in this frame. Do you have any help with me? Oh. I'm sorry, C-53, but you know, You know what, guys? We've got to stop screwing around. We've got to get to the mission. Oh. I'm sorry, C-53, but, you know, sometimes it's important to look, especially on X-Mars, to... Oh, wow. It seems like for a droid... Oh, boy. Well, it seems like the vacuum on this droid is completely clogged. Oh, boy. Why would they make a robot with one leg shorter than the other?

It seems just sort of pathetic for the sake of it. That's my feeling today, Ambassador Dixon. No, I'm sorry. No, I... Okay, I'm sorry. All right. Hello, travelers. Oh, uh, hello.

What brings you to Chimnation, then? Greetings. I'm Ambassador Plek Dexter, here with the Federated Alliance. Oh, greetings, Ambassador, and a joyous Exmars to you, sir. Oh, yeah, of course. Happy Exmars to you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, wow. Listen, we're just here. We're here sort of on a mission to kind of explore Chimnation and kind of get just a sense of what this planet's all about. Oh, a mission, I do beg your pardon, sir.

I didn't realize you was on a mission. I do apologize for standing in your way. Actually, it's totally fine. We're just here kind of to explore, so I mean, this is as good a place to start as any. Can we ask you a question? Yeah. What, to you, is the meaning of Exmars? Well, Exmars...

First, perhaps I should introduce myself. Yeah. My name is Rip Ciso. Rip Ciso? That's right. Oh, wow. That's a cool name. Thank you, sir.

Thank you. What do you do here on Chimnacia? Well, like every citizen of Chimnacia, I clean out these Chimnoids. Oh. Those are the stacks you see just sticking up out of every line of the horizon. You just see these tubes coming up

and the soot coming out of them. Begging your pardon, sir, but did you say every citizen of Chimnacia does this? Oh, tiny T.M. has our live and breathe. Oh, actually, this is C-53. This is our protocol droid, but his body got chucked up. So long story. But anyway, we just borrowed this urchin droid. Right.

Well, all are welcome here. Yes, every citizen of Chimnacia must clean out these tubes because otherwise the planet will die. Oh. There's a great beast at the centre of our planet and it expels this sort of sooty cloud. And if the passageways aren't cleared, well, then the beast could choke on its own soot. What would happen if that happened? It seems like it might be best to let the beast pass on. Why is that, sir?

Well, then you wouldn't have to worry so much about scrubbing out all the chimnoids. Well, the legend has it that if we don't scrub out his chimnoids and the great beast dies, well, the planet will, it'll sort of like roll over, see? And everyone standing on the top, they'll just like

fly off. Huh. Now, they're just like, fly off. Huh. Now, I don't know how it works. That does sound bad. I mean, I don't know how it works on Chimnacia, but on most planets, sort of anywhere you're standing is fine because, like, it's sort of like a gravity thing. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Not on Chimnacia, sir. Not here on Chimnacia. Not here on Chimnacia, sir. Weird gravity. Oh, Weird gravity. So, at what point on this street, for instance,

would one of us fall off into space? Right, you see that chimney and it's like,

I want to say, 500 paces from here. Sure, yeah. If you go over there, you might just fly off into space. Good day to you, sir. Good day.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Did that happen a lot? I mean, every once in a while... We've only been here for a few minutes and that has happened already once while we were staring at this. My husband, come back to me.

Oh, no. It's usually in cases of marital squabbles. Sure, sure. Yeah, that's true. That could have been anything at all. Probably not X-mas. No, no, no. No guarantee.

Well, that seems like a very stressful job, because if you mess it up, like, I mean, yeah, you're putting everybody at risk. I don't like to complain, no, no. No guarantee. Well, that seems like a very stressful job, because if you mess it up, like, I mean, yeah, you're putting everybody at risk. I don't like to complain, sir, but yes, it's very stressful, because a lot of times you're in danger of falling in one of the chimnoids, and then you'd be inside the belly of the great beast. Oh, wow, that's even worse. So basically, everyone on the planet just goes around cleaning them,

trying not to fall into them, and also trying not to go to the end of that street. That's right, sir. That's right. It's a simple existence, but we like it. Ripsy, sir, if I may say, you've got to work even on Ex-Mars Day. Ex-Mars Day, we have to work

double R, don't we? Why is that? Well, because we've got a tradition of pouring... We've got a tradition of pouring Agneg down the chyndoids. Oh, right, right, right. As an offering to the great beast. Yeah, yeah, and that stuff takes forever. It clogs his system, something terrible it does.

It's quite thick. You sort of ask yourself, you're like, why do they make it so thick? Right? And then you think... why do they make it so thick? Right. And then you think... Why do they make it so what? Thick. Thick, sir. Thick. You know, thin and thick. Yeah, I guess so. Right. Sure. You can try to thin it out,

but it still ends up pretty thick. Huh. Huh indeed, sir. That does sound like quite a lot of trouble for you lot here on Chimnation. Ah, it's no trouble, I mean. It's life, innit? Everyone's got their burden to bear.

And that's the meaning of Exmars. Okay, let's wrap it up. Yeah, that might be... Ripciso, would you say that that's the true meaning of Exmars, as far as you're concerned? Sorry to say, no. That's not the true meaning of Exmars as far as you're concerned? Sorry to say, no, that's not the true meaning of Exmars. That's just a fact of life.

Everyone's got a burden to bear. I don't know why that would be the true meaning of Exmars. I mean, yeah. What other traditions do you guys have on Exmars? Well, we have a tradition of, you know, we wake up in the morning, and before we do anything, we throw open a window, and we look out for any urchin bots that are scuttling around. Like me? Well, yes, like Tiny TM here.

Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, do you know why the urchin bots have one leg that's shorter than the other? Oh, yes, I do, sir. Yeah? Oh, it's a terrible story, sir. What? Oh, I don't even like to tell it. Please, would you tell it, Richie, sir?

Please? Poor little Urchin Bot. Of course I will. I can't resist the mechanical coughing of a tiny TM. Bless you, sir. Bless you. Bye. Mechanical coughing of a tiny TM.

Bless you, sir. Bless you. No. Years ago, there was a very cruel man who lived here and he was a man of great power and great influence on Chimnaysia. He lived right in the dead centre of town, right in the centre of the street. That seems like the safest place to live here. It's got the most gravity of all. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He used to flaunt it. Used to take a kerchief from his pocket, throw it to the ground. It would stay there. He'd flaunt his gravity? He'd flaunt his gravity. That's rude. He sort of hoarded gravity, you know? He was like a gravity miser.

And everyone despised him. Except me. I sort of felt sorry for him. He must have been awful lonely, all by himself in his castle of gravity. And then one day, I think it was, I think it was X-Miles Day. Now that I recollect. Ex-Mars Day. Really? Now that I recollect... That's crazy. Yeah.

If I'm getting the story straight, it was Ex-Mars Day many years ago. Very fun. And he was visited in the night by three ghosts. Oh. Three spirits of the space. Wow. I should say,

just to let you know, Ripsy, so I'm sort of like in tune with the space. Is that so, sir? Yeah, I'm on the fresh side of the space. I was told very recently by Azima Warrior that I am sort of, you know, going to do something great

with the space. Right. Did they happen to say what it was? It was pretty vague, but I feel like that's kind of for me to figure out. He's not carrying a cane around. This is his wood saber. A very small piece of wood. Yeah, well, you know, it still gets the job done, theoretically. If I am in danger, it will definitely pay off for me to have been carrying it around this whole time. What if I did this to you right now? Didn't stop that. Kicked me right in the shin

with your long leg. Yeah, it was a bit of a challenge for me to be perfectly honest. It was rather impressive, actually. Had the balance on the short one. Are we hitting this thing? Where did all these urgent droids come from? No, okay.

Alright, stop. This is what No, okay, all right. Stop, stop it. This is what Exmars is all about. Eating the shit out of each other. Now, now, you urchin droids, leave this nice gentleman alone. I'm sorry, sir. I'm still trying to balance on my short leg.

And I got him. Ow! We won't leave until you tell us a story. An Exmars story. You know, he was actually in the middle of the story when he came up and started kicking me. He didn't look up. He was doing this. Stop from the beginning, then!

All the way from the beginning! No, no, no, no. Yes, we want the beginning! Get out of here! Get out of here! Don't you have chimnoids to sweep? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm passing a text setting, forcing all three parts to go back to work on Ex-Mars. Okay. Oh, you should have seen what he did earlier, Okay

You should have seen what he did earlier He murdered a droid so you could be in that frame Is that true sir? I did not murder the droid No he paid someone to murder the droid For all I know the cube is still totally healthy and fine What did they say they were going to do with the cube? Throw it in the river.

No, he said he... Throw it in the river. Throw it in the river. He specifically said he was not going to throw it in the river. With a wink and by crossing his two little pinchers. Wait a minute. Was this the ART dodger? Yeah.

The droid that right now is wiping his hands across each other at the edge of the river. Look at that little dance he's doing. He's a scamp, that one. He's a bit of a rascal. I'm sorry, Ripsy. So can you continue your story? I was very compelled by this. Yeah.

Visited by three space ghosts. Yes, this gravity miser. This gravity miser. Ordolono Squeege was his name. Wait. What? Ordolono Squeege. Did you not hear that the first time he said it?

Ordolono Squeege. Oh, he's telling the story of Ordolono Squeege. That's right. Okay, fine. You can listen. Just don't kick me anymore. That's fine. You can listen. Just don't kick me anymore. That's fine. It's not... Is this foot broken?

You're from 500 paces away? Yeah, he's from a different part of Chimnation. That's the part of Chimnation that's underneath. It's down under Chimnation. Oh, wow. It's kind of, we kind of fly like kites. They have to clean out very different chutes for the beast on the bottom of this planet.

It's true. It's true. Tell us the story of... Odolono Squeak. He was a terrible gravity miser, he was. Tell us the story of... Odolono Squeak. He was a terrible gravity miser, he was. He ordered all the gravity for himself. He didn't understand what it was like to share gravity with others so that all could partake of the bounty.

Well, one night he was visited by three deceased Zima warriors. Oh. It was two good ones and one bad one. Oh. Two fresh, one whack, then, eh? Two fresh, one whack. The first one was a freshie. And he was all,

all the lone old squeegee, look how you used to be when you was young. You was always sharing gravity and having parties and being nice to people. You was full of life. That's like me now. Is it, sir? Ambassador Dixie, you haven't got any gravity at all. I'm just trying to relate.

I'm trying to relate to Rip right now. Didn't you kill my cousin? Okay. It was you. I've seen his cute phone in the river.'t you kill my cousin? Okay. It was you. No, I didn't. I've seen his cute floating in the river. Did you fish it out?

Yeah. Oh, okay. There, there you go. It's broken. Oh, it did get wet. Yeah, he's made it into this

chimney scrape stick. Yeah, he's a little bit alive. Okay, I'm sorry. Listen, Ripsy, so I wasn't trying to make it about me. I was just trying to tell you that I'm invested in your story. I apologize, sir. I didn't.

I didn't mean to imply that you was making it about yourself. No, no, you were absolutely making this about you. You did say, that's like me. You already said, kind of like me. I didn't say it was about me. Shut up, Pink Widow. Tell us what happened to the next ghost. Hurry, before of like me. He didn't say it was about me. Shut up, Pink Winter. Yes, yes, yes.

Tell us what happened to the next ghost. Hurry, before we all expire. The next Zima warrior said, Hey, look, all alone, oh, squeegee. Look how you're like right now in the present day. Oh. No one likes you. You're hoarding gravity all for yourself.

People are flying off 500 paces away. It's a terrible thing. This one's whack or this one's fresh. Number two. This was a freshie. The last one. He was whack, he was. Process of elimination, that is.

Figured it. He was whack as they come. He appears to all the Lono squeegee in a long cloak with an hood. And he doesn't say a word. He just stares at him. And all the Lono squeegee, he fills in all the blanks. He's like, are you here because I'm a bad guy? And you're going to show me the future because i've

seen the present and i've seen the past and then and then this zima warrior he don't say a word he just stands there then all the lono squeegee he starts laying out more rope with which dang himself he says so now you're gonna show me how it turns out because no one likes me and this is how I end up. The Zebra Warrior, he don't say a word. Then all of a sudden the Zebra Warrior points and all alone old Squeege looks

and he sees a pile of dirt. Pile of dirt. Slowly, particle by particle, lifting up from the ground. Don't get ahead of us, Tia. Sorry, Tia. I'm so into the story of what's happened to Ordelono Squeege. Particle by particle, the dirt pile starts lifting up.

He's got no more gravity, Ordelono Squeege. And we see his corpse just suspended in the air. And Odolono Squeege sees this vision of himself and he says, oh no! I don't want that to be true!

Please, spirit, take this vision away from me! And then he wakes up. He throws open the window. Falls out the window. Falls out the window. Splat onto the ground. Wow.

That's right. Irony. That's irony. He's only on the first floor. But that's how much gravity he had. Too much gravity. Yeah. But that's how much gravity you had. Too much. Too much gravity. Huh. That's the meaning of X-Mars.

I guess, is that the meaning of X-Mars? I mean, you know. She just says that over and over. We don't know why. That's the meaning of X-Mars. She does say all year round. It's true. She might be a bit frown-good, it sounds like. That's the meaning of X-Mars.

Oh, she goes again. All right, yeah. So now, every X-Mars morning, we throw open the window as a nod to Ordolono's squeegee and sort of there but for the space go I. Yeah, wow, yeah. Man, that really makes you think. Rep Siso, will you tell me the story of Fartsy the Red-Nosed Sleazer?

Oh, yes, please, please, please, please, sir. All right, all right, you urchin bots. Years ago. Getting a little ahead of the story. Well, everyone knows the story of Fartsy the Red-Nosed Sleazag. But still, tell it. Well, no. Yeah, you're not going to tell the story.

No, I was going to. That's a storytelling device. We do know the story, but we still want the end. Yeah, exactly. I actually don't think I've ever heard this story. You know all the other Sleazags. Yeah, Grindy. Yep.

And Grindy. Yep. And Bittle and Mitt. Yep. And Drindy. Yep. And Bittle and Mitt. Yep. You know... Pimple. Pimple and Scormax. And Windle.

And Zitz. Yeah. But is this familiar? Does Slezak what you've never heard of before? No, because it wouldn't be familiar if I'd heard of him. Right, it's a rhetorical question, sir. In the early days of gymnasia, there was a system whereby gifts were distributed

by this great fat slug creature, red and white and just gelatinous. Sort of like a flarn, maybe. He was sort of like a flarn, yeah. Like an infected source for the red and the white. Exactly, yeah. Like a flarn who's been suffering from some terrible disease. And this creature was the source of all food.

He would excrete these colourful cubes. You'd take the top off of them and you could eat what was inside. You'd scoop it out. But he didn't excrete it from the place, you'd think. He had a sort of a sack that was on his back. And from this sack would fly these excreted cubes. Sort of a pouch? Sort of a pouch.

We thought of it as a sack. And so the Chimnations would wake up and they'd see these colorful gifts. And they'd say, why don't we try to eat it? Sure. Naturally. After the first one did, the all clear was given. Turns out this is food. Good news, everyone.

Anyway, it became a burden for this ex-mask slug to deliver all these excretions year after year. And so he called upon the Slezaks to assist him. They would drag his gelatinous body all over the length. Powerful creature Slezaks. Yeah, yeah. And then there was one

he had a crippling alcohol dependency. That was Fartsy. The red-nosed Slezak. Oh. That's Fartsy, the red-nosed sleazag. Oh. That's the end of the story? Yeah, he was the only sleazag with a red nose.

And an alcohol dependency. They should have called him Fartsy the alcoholic sleazag. Because it seems like the red nose is more of a symptom than a kind of... Right, I think they were trying to be subtle, maybe.

Sure, sure. Somebody older model batching bots make fun of me for still believing in the old slug. This is another urchin bot that's happened upon us. Yeah, I was listening to the story. He's part of our gang, yeah. Speak up, little fella. Some of the older model droids, you know, the signee TMs.

Hmm. They, they, they, uh... That's one letter earlier. They, they, they, yeah, they make fun of me for still believing in the space slug, but I believe in him. I believe. You gotta believe. You know, you're never too old to believe. That's the meaning of it.

Oh, she's up. She's up. Back on line online she is. Pepsi, so far I'm going to say, you know a lot about X-Miles. Well, we're a bit of an X-Miles-y planet, don't you know? It's sort of our thing, you know? Because it's always so X-Miles-y feeling down here. Yeah, with the cobblestone streets.

The cobblestone streets. Right, right. And the fluctuating gravity. Very happy X-Miles. Oh, when you trip on one of The cobblestone streets. Right, right. And the fluctuating gravity. Hey, happy Ex-Mog. Oh, when you trip on one of those cobblestones. I was also going to comment earlier on how it's snowing all the time, but now I realise there's just ash falling from the sky. That's right, that's right.

What is it, little bot? I hope I'm not interrupting one of your wonderful stories, but the great beast from within is rumbling. Oh, dear. Yeah, it's hipping in. For what? Oh, no, we've been talking to you so long you forgot to pull the eggnog into the chimney.

Oh, dear. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Oh, that's new. Does it not usually talk? Never. Whoa. What could it mean? Well, it means I've been shirking my responsibilities talking to you lot

when I was supposed to be pouring Agneg and scouring out the chimnoids. Listen, I'm so sorry. Whatever's going on right now, I apologize. You should, Plack. Well, you're all going to have to lend a hand. Everybody grab a pitcher of Agneg. What part of the planet are you from? I'm from the fairy edge.

He's from 490 paces away. You've got to tell us, I say, because you're so far out of gravity, you're so little, your voices get... Did you say gravity? Why does that affect the accent? I'm not a scientist. He's from a different part of the planet.

It seems very weird. I'm from 4 scientist. He's from a different part of the planet. Seems very weird. 490 paces over here. Just to warn you, pieces are rumbling. A possum is egg-negging him. Chimnoids. You know, I actually heard that on Chimnacia, you can actually figure out where on the planet someone's from down to the street based on their accent.

Did you? Is this a good time for trivia, sir? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please grab that bucket of agnick. Yep, you got it. Pour it in the nearest chimney. Okay, great, great, great.

I'm trying to lift this boat. It's quite heavy. Oh, no. I can help you, see. Lift that for you. That'll be free cruise. Oh, no, it's actually fine. We don't...

ART Dodger, we're okay. Listen, we've got to pour this Agneg in these gymnoids or something terrible is going to happen. Right, right, right. Everyone just pour, pour, pour. There we go. This is going to take, I mean, most of the day. It's fake.

It's fake. Here's the thickness of the day. It's thick. It's thick. It's the true meaning of Ex-Mars. Is the thickness of Agnig related in some way to the true meaning of Ex-Mars? Do you think it is? No, I don't know. This one's broken. All it can say is the true meaning of Ex-Mars. You're right. Sorry.

You've said it literally half a dozen times already and it's never been the true meaning of Exmo. Feel free to discount it every time you hear it from her. Okay, you're right. Yeah, you're right. You're right. All right, that seems to have calmed the great beast down a bit. Man. All right. Well, I hope I was helpful in some way to you all. I mean, I liked the stories.

We're really here to learn the true meaning of Exmars. Well, I'm no expert, sir. But I do come from a very Exmarsi planet. And I can say what I personally have always considered the reason for the season of Exmars. What I personally have always considered the reason for the season of X-Miles is a time to gather with the ones that you love. Wait a minute. What? I feel like that's what we started.

He was just about to tell us, Flay! Why would you stop him in the middle of the description of the thing that was about to happen? What could I have said? All right, Ripsies, continue. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I've got to know, what was the issue you had with what I barely said? Back on the ship, we were like, is it that it's a time to gather with friends and loved ones and remember your relationships?

And Nermit definitely said that was not what it was. Right. If I could finish. The true meaning of X-Miles is you've got to gather with the ones you love you've got to reflect on what's happened from last x-miles to this x-miles you've got to look up in the sky look in the stars realize you're a part of something vast and immense you're just a little bitty thing, but you have your place. And then, hope that the great black beast doesn't turn over

and throw you off the planet. Mostly it's like survival. Sure. It's please don't let me fly off the surface of the planet. Yes, survival is the true meaning of Ex-Mars. I mean, that's certainly true on your planet, Tar. Wait, survival is the true meaning of Ex-Mars. That's true of my planet where we fight each other.

It's true of this planet where gravity could boot you off of the planet. Boot. It's true of, mmm, Plek. It's true of, you know, the Sleazak story. They needed the gifts from the slug to survive. Mm-hmm. And all alone, no squeegee survived the meeting with the three Zima warrior ghosts.

Only to die the next morning. Yeah, which is quite ironic, really. Oh, survival, I guess. That's right. That's true. Raining. Oh, no. So close.

That would have been perfect. That would have been the right time. It would have been perfect. Somebody's put Agne in a queue. Well, you know, Rip Ciso, I really appreciate it. It's Ripsiso. You know, Ripsiso, I really... It's Ripsiso, sir. Did I pronounce it wrong?

No. Good, good. So, listen, Ripsiso, these stories have really illuminated Exmars for me. We've learned a lot. Thank you. I hope so, sir. We've learned a lot. Thank you. I hope so, sir. I do have one last question, though. What is it, sir?

Why is it that the Urchin droid's one leg is shorter than the other? It was a flaw in the mold. The leg mold. Ow! That's it? Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. and Ira Glass, to the hilarious narrative improv featuring Paul's incredible improviser friends inspired by the aforementioned celebrity interview, to the completely improvised musical score from master pianist Evan Schleder. This rock is split into two between my legs and I was never much of

a gymnast. Gotta choose a side. You know, I realize this is no laughing matter, but I just remembered a great bit from the last Spontaneanation episode. Really fun stuff. That's Spontaneanation with Paul F. Tompkins from Earwolf, wherever you get your podcasts. Hark, Tardigast. Signing off for one last time. Long live the Rebellion. What? What, Mom?

Well, I just, I hope you enjoy the boat. I, uh, for you. Happy Ex-Mars. Yeah. It's good to see you. It's fine. Appreciate the gift cards. Yeah.

You use them for, uh, education. Uh, you could do other things. I mean, or you could keep, I'd prattle you either way. I'm an amusement park, Mom. It's what I am. Are you going to introduce me to your girlfriend or what? This is Brianna, my girlfriend. She's the log flume at the park. Yeah, I'm dating at work.

I'm like the 18th ranked log flume in the galaxy. Did you hear that, Mom? Wow, okay. That's out of 20. Fantastic. I am very excited for this development. That makes you sound like being two of the log flumes at Best of Texas. Yeah, no, yeah, I got that.

To be fair, it's better than what we're doing. Oh, yeah, Mom, I mean, thanks for coming in. You know, I appreciate it. We's not quite that good. To be fair, it's better than we're doing. Oh, yeah, Mom. I mean, thanks for coming in. You know, I appreciate it. You're now going to go visit your father, right? I guess. I hate having two Exmarses. It sucks.

I'm sorry. You think I get double boots, but I don't. Okay. Well, it was good seeing you. Goodbye. I'm sort of ungrateful. Yeah, Mom. Mom. Yeah. Happy Exmgrateful. Yeah, a lot.

Mom? Yeah? Happy Ex-Mars. Happy Ex-Mars. Here's to surviving another one. Here's to surviving, which is what Ex-Mars is all about, and we knew it the entire time. We've always said back and forth that the true meaning of Ex-Mars is surviving. Here's to surviving, yeah. Almost seems like we could have stayed on the ship.

Hey, uh, C-53, can we call up Nermit? Yes, sir. Nermit, initiating transmission to GU Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bundeloy. That's why you, Ambassador Bundeloy, should have the best Exmars ever. Huh? I do love that we can just interrupt you. Yeah, it's crazy that we get to answer when you call, but if we connect to you, it's just bang.

Instant. Yeah, I wish there was some sort of ring or indicator, a light, anything. Surely that's a setting that you control. Yeah. Oh, yeah, here, let me, there we go. Okay. Well, next time. Yeah.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nervet Bundle, there we go. Okay. Well, next time. Yeah. Junior Missions Operations Manager, we are pleased to report. Oh, yeah, sorry. We put C-53's cube into an urchin droid? Yeah. Yeah, we'll work on the whole shorter leg thing. Sorry, you were saying you're happy to report? That we have discovered

the true meaning of Exmars. Oh, my gosh. Are are you serious that's what the mission was yeah it's a survival simple as that survival survival yep survival survival every day we've been celebrating x-mars without knowing it because we've survived yeah i mean that's true i mean in a way we keep x-mars in our hearts as long as those hearts are beating well in dar's case how many hearts do you have four okay yeah everybody i kind of want to like I mean, that's true. I mean, in a way, we keep X-Mars in our hearts as long as those hearts are beating. In Dar's case, how many hearts do you have? Four.

Okay. Everybody, I kind of want to open the door and yell down to the X-Mars party what the meaning is. You're just going to fling open the door and scream the word survival at a group of people? All right, hang on. Survival! Should give a little context. the meaning of X-Mars is survival we know

that's self evident from all the stories about X-Mars we already knew that we just didn't want you at the party close the door this wasn't a real as I said they already knew

there's a fake mission to not invite me to the party guys what do you think Tiny TM would say if he was here right now? That's a nice little message yeah also like I said it's his last thought so that's not so bad oh no oh See you next time. Ambassador Plek Dexeter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn.

Security Officer Dar and Brianna the Logflue were played by Allie Kokesh. Bargy the Ship, the Broken Urchin Bot, and the Beast of Shemnesha were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and the Urchin Bot with the Weird Accent were played by Seth Lind. A.R.T. Dodger and the Third Urchin Bot were played by Winston Null. Ripped Ciso was played by Special Guest Paul F. Tompkins. We'll see you next time. of Mission to Ziggs was recorded at Argo Studios in New York City by engineer Paul Ruwest. This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargeria Jade by Eric Gois. Mission to Ziggs is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks Audioboom. Do you have a pressing question for the crew?

Send an email to crew at missiontozix.space. Should we open our boots? Yeah! You go first, Star. You've got the biggest boot. All right, biggest boot. What'd you get? That's exactly what I wanted.

A new vibrator. Oh. All right, let's see yours. Okay. Oh, I got a gift certificate for 10% off a mattress. And this is... Thank you, C53. A spring from... That looks like B69-420, maybe?

One of his springs. Thank you. Yes, sir. That's very nice. I polished it up? One of his springs. Thank you. Yeah, that's right. It's very nice. I polished it up. Hey, Bargy, thank you. This is a signed picture of you. Thank you. I give it to everybody who has one of these. Oh, yeah.

Bargy, I love it. Yeah, Bargy, this is a great photo of you. Yeah. What film is this from? It's from my 7XMASH film where I played Odolano Squeech. Oh, that's a good part for you, actually. Thank you.

Can we see a clip of it? Yes. Mr. Squeech, may I please have X-Mas Day Off? My name is Bajie. Yeah, no, that's not a good one. I was out of my mind in that movie. I was fired and I didn't appear in the eighth and ninth one, but then I came back.

You brought your back to the New Bartarian James Christmas specials and you did not appear in the last one. They had another person playing me. It was a big mess. It was a person? They had a salarian playing me. Oh, wow. Honestly, just stop talking about it.

It's a bad memory. I'm sorry. Why don't I open my boot? Okay, please. I don't wear boots, but I left a spare foot that I had hollowed out. Let me see. Oh. Thank you.

This is 101 brain teasers to dazzle the mind. Yeah. Yeah, I finished them. They're great. You read it already? Yeah, I just downloaded download it did all the brain teases they're quite good happy x-mas yeah indeed i could uh if you're not gonna yeah i worked your x-mas i checked out the cup you gave me you want that gift oh you could keep it

i was not what you were gonna ask me just now that's not what I was going to ask you take the book okay