Mission To Zyxx - 117: The One with the Council of Seven

Episode Date: December 27, 2017

Seven best friends who also happen to run the galactic government have a meeting. Then one of them leaves… Featuring:  Jeremy Bent as Councillor Arcuri Alden Ford as Councillor Corpustanian Allie Kokesh as Councillor Joey Seth Lind as Councillor Runff Winston Noel as Councillor Trink and Councillor Ballwheat Moujan Zolfaghari as Councillor Kassu Edited by Alden Ford Recording, Sound Design and Mix by Shane O’Connell Music by Brendan Ryan Opening Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz

It is a time of peace, harmony, and all-around good vibes in the galaxy right now, despite what you may have heard in certain quadrants. The Federated Alliance has never been stronger, and the wise and all-knowing Council of Seven has everything under control. They are seven best friends, and they are making this galaxy a better place. Deep within the stately Alliance Dome on the capital world of Quantaris, the Council of Seven convenes to assess the rebel threat, strategize on the impending war against the Keck,

and decide whether it looks cooler for all of them to wear their hoods up or keep it casual and leave them down. This is the Council of Seven. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, I bring this item to the floor. This will be the final item of the evening. Yes, the final item of the evening. To you, my six best friends.

Best friends. I have to bring this to the floor. In the Selwyn quadrant. Yes. We summered there 14 summers ago. We bought that beach house. Somebody brought their girlfriend and broke up with them there. We all had to deal with the consequences.

Awkward. What a crazy weekend. I won't apologize. I broke a chair. You did. You did, Rumpf. We all remember how you broke that chair. Counselor Drake, do you have a business item to discuss?

Will you continue to discuss our summer home? As you know, I am from the Selwyn Quadrant. And I am the Crabbo's, my people. Yes, we know. My people. Yes, you're obviously a Crabbo. There's no reason to be so

agitated. I'm a Crabbo. We know. You're walking sideways. I always do. I'm a Crabbo. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Yes, but it seemed like you were walking away from the table. No, I'm just agitated. I'm pacing. Get to the point.

Oh, you're pushing sideways. Right. My people in the Selwyn Quadrant, specifically the planet, need the Zuma Bean to grow. We need economic funding for the rest of the council in order for this to happen. Very well. Very well. Funding shall be sent to the Selwyn Quadrant for the purposes of agriculture.

Zomabine. Thank you very much. May I present? I've been waiting very patiently. That was the last order of business. Oh, that was the last order. I know, but mine has nothing to do with business and only to do with our friendship. Ah, Counselor Kasu.

Very well, Councillor Casue. I've been up for many a many fortnight making these beaded hand bracelets so we can all place it upon ourselves and we know wherever we are in the galaxies, we all have each other. One for each of the seven. A council of seven bracelets.

Incredible. And inside of each of them is a little note I hand-wrote for each of you. A affectionate message. I'll be there for you. Indeed. Very nice. We thank you. Guys, I have to head out

a little bit early. I know that we're kind of winding it down, but I really have to run. You've been very quiet. Council of Ballweed, you're dismissed. We shall stand and clean up. See you at brunch. I'll be at brunch, guys. Okay, until next week. Until next week.

Until next week's meeting. Good work in here this week. Thanks. Goodbye, guys. Goodbye. Goodbye. Is he gone? He's gone.

On the seventh leaves, the council of six convenes. Pull your hoods up. Lower the lights. Positively sinister. The true source of power in the galaxy. Turn on that light that makes white things glow. And now our evil purposes will be brought to light. power of the galaxy. Yes. Turn on that light that makes white things glow. Yes. And now our evil purposes will be brought to light.

Hi, guys. Hey, buddy. I just, I left my car key. Oh, that's so fun. Good for you. What an amusing misunderstanding. Yeah, my daughter's floor neck recital is in a few weeks.

I'll make it. I'll send a... I'm putting it in my calendar right now. Do they need baked goods? Oh, it's just a recital, so I don't think... It's there! I have it! I'll do it! Don't even ask! Okay, thanks, guys. Please look her in the eyes and say, Counselor Runt wishes you luck.

You guys are the best. And don't even dream of doing that without saying the same of Counsel Councillor Corpustanian. Thanks, guys. Alright, well, have a good night. You're the best! No, he's not! He's not! That was so close.

That was a close word. If Councillor Ballwheat realizes what our true agenda is, it will be the dissolution of the Isles. Well, let realizes what our true agenda is, it will be the dissolution of the Isles. Well, let us begin our true meeting. Yes, our true purpose. We will put down the causes of liberty and freedom wherever we see.

So, that brings me to the Zuma bean. Oh, yes, what's the real reason? The real thing is that we must send in a group of clints to slaughter the farmers and drive the price of the bean up. Oh, I love it. I love beans. That's a terrible diabolical. We'd put it under our thumb or crab claw. In my case, as you know, I am a crabbo. I'm a crabbo. I'm fine with it.

That's interesting, as I am a beetle man. Yet I have thumbs. We all can't have thumbs. That's a hallmark of the beetle man, yet I have thumbs. We all get our thumbs. That's a hallmark of the beetle man's business. Counselor Trink, all this talk of supply and demand is well and good, but there are far more important matters to discuss, namely the- Counselor Corpus Danian, are you all right? Sorry.

Yes, um, yeah. He's just always very close to death. Yes, I've been very close to death. That's his whole species. That's right. Planet of people born close to death. He looks like a Tellurian corn husk dried out. Oh, yes.

Indeed. They don't drink any liquid. The Methuselans? Yes, the Methuselans. Well, you have multiple heart attacks atelins. We have multiple heart attacks at a time. Sort of... Simultaneous heart attacks? Well, it's just where one species may have a beating

heart, ours is sort of just an excursion state of God. A kind of a lurching... A lurching and stumbling... Counselors, we must focus. There is only one matter of true import to discuss. The matter of rebels.

Excuse me? What? He said rebels. I know, I said it at a point of emphasis. Rebels. Rebels. As we all know, the Council of Six is devoted to nothing but the utter destruction of the hated rebellion. I'll say the biggest blow to me about the rebellion

is the fact that one of my prize officers, Rofus Tittle, was defected. The blueprint on which all the clints were created. Rofus Tittle. He has the finest cheekbones I ever did see. Incredibly high cheekbones, of course. Ruff.

As a crabbo, I do not possess teeth. And does that mean the Clintz could defect to the Rebellion as well? Does that mean Clintz have the ability to think for themselves? No, we made the Clintz... We went way out of our way to make sure the Clintz are dumb as hell. Yes. as hell. Yes. Counselor Corpustanian and his geneticists made it clear that the

Clintz would be much dumber, almost to a debilitated degree. Now, Rolfus isn't that much smarter, of course. He was never the brightest, but damn, he was brave. Honestly, when we intercept his feeds, he's mostly talking about underwear. He's promoting

whatever needs to be promoted. Rebellions aren't cheap, of course. I do, I do. Listen, none of us would do what we're doing right now for free. Speaking of which, I made a meal in 30 minutes or less last night. I used ingredients that came

out of a box. So easy a baby could do it. So easy a queen of the babies could do it. Listen, we've all got our side hustles. There's no doubt about that. Oh, which reminds me. You should all come to my play next Thursday. Now, this one will be much better than the last one.

I have physical therapy. Listen, we're best friends, but we're not, like, you know, best friends. Listen, it's a bringer show. I promised I'd have at least 12 people in the audience. What's the minimum, drink-wise? At least six. Six croons? No, six drinks.

Drinks. How many croons a drink? Croon or croons? Well, in this case, it would be croons. All right, I need a head count. How many? Wait, wait, how many? Wait, if it's plural things, it's croons?

Yes. Yes. Croons. So you're telling me that if the object that you're purchasing is plural... Counselor Trink, I don't understand how you're not able to... I'm a military man, dammit! The currency is called croon. Croon.

And then were you to subdivide it... Yes, yes. It becomes croons. Croons. But what about... What if it's tiny bits of croon? That's croons. Croons.

The plurality is croons. But what about bit croon is what I'm talking about. Then that's croons. Croon. Its plurality is croon. But what about bit croon is what I'm talking about. Then that's croon. Oh, bit croon is a fantasy. You sound like a bunch of Rangus 4 morons. Akuri, if we were on the field of battle, I would destroy you for that. I would worm my way into your destruction. All right.

As the queen of the baby race, it is my turn to dictate what sort of monetary money we should be using moving forward. What sort of monetary money should we use? I believe we should change the system forthwith and forthwith and feather-fore and use rickets. All in favor? Wait, first. Absolutely not. I spent

years coming up with the theory of croon and croons. The last time you tried to pitch a currency, it was just pacifiers. Blasted pacifiers. I am telling you that was a great idea. There could be a simpler monetary system in the galaxy than Krul. I don't know, one pacifier per milk?

We're not doing pacifiers. We're not doing pacifiers. Consular Casu is a baby. I come from a planet of other babies. The planet is full of babies of all species that never grow. And yet you are a baby that leads the other baby. That is true. I'm the queen of the babies.

Sort of a boss baby. Yes. I would say, if we were to define it, I am the boss baby. Yes. It's a very complicated structure of governance, but no doubt about it, you are truly the boss baby. Look who's talking.

It is me. No, we know you're talking. Well, look who's talking, too. I'm also speaking over here. I am equally as important. We've got a beetleman. We've got several beetlemans. One of the four famous beetlemans.

And two killed the other three. Yes. Killed them all. The other three would have done exactly the same. I heard that the best beetleman never made it. No, you're talking about the fifth Beatleman. The fifth Beatleman. Pitaro Bester.

Pitaro Bester was overrated. Pitaro Bester wasn't the fifth Beatleman. Billy was. Many people think Billy Prestonia. This has gotten very far away from my original point. Anyway, we all knew that you slayed the other three beetlemen to become the Rachel Akuri, the most famous beetleman.

So really, you're more famous for your haircut than for killing the fellow beetleman. How dare you? How dare you? Come to the jury, you're pretty judgmental for a being who's a puddle of liquid. Is that how you refer to Suskillians? A puddle of liquid? Who you are. That to Suskillians? A puddle of liquid?

Who you are. That's what you are. A puddle of... Well, you're in a container right now, and you have arms that you are able to manipulate, but when it really boils down to it, you're just... A puddle of liquid. A puddle of liquid. We had to make a hood that fitted you, and it was quite smaller than ours,

for I am the queen of babies. Well, your hood is also quite small. But it's average height for a bebé. Right. We're calling them babies now? What do we say? Are they babies or bebés? Well, they begin as babies, and then the older you get, you become a bebé,

and then you go back to a baby. Counselor Costu, this is absurd. We have a rebellion brewing. Honestly, grow up. We can't talk about no man's nature for babies all day long. And am I married? Yes, I'm married to another king and queen of babies. You're married to a king and queen?

We're babies. We don't know anything. So we'd all marry whoever we want. Well, let's get back to the subject at hand, please. It's a rebellion. Right. What does your intel say, Ruff? So if you focus here on the hollow map.

Okay. So you can see that there are 426 sectors in the alliance. And each sector, of course, has four quadrants. Four quadrants, of course. Except that one sector that somehow has five, but we haven't figured that out. Making for a total of 1,70 four quadrants. Except that one sector that somehow has five, but we haven't figured that out. Making for a total of 1,705 quadrants. Precisely. And so, but the

intelligence shows, if you look at this info feed, it shows that the Rebellion is brewing in the Zix Quadrant of the Trimelian Sector. The Zix Quadrant? Is it possible that their headquarters could be located there? It is the ass end of space. It's the backwater of the galaxy.

It is the asshole of eternity. It's like someone died and then they moved into the dead body. Whoa. What? Have you not heard that? Yeah. Am I saying something out of turn? Explain the metaphor, please.

So imagine someone died and then imagine someone said, I'm So, imagine someone died. And then imagine someone said, I'm looking to build a home. Right. I will hollow out this dead body and live there. Oh, wow. It seems like a size issue. Capsular, I mean, what you're describing is sort of disgusting if you're not a Beatleman. You see what I'm saying?

It's not a nice place. No, but I'm saying, if you have, say, two Tullurians, and one makes a home out of the other... Gross. Gross. That would be extremely gross. Regardless, friends, the Ziggs Quadrant is exactly the kind of place we could expect to find filth like the Rebellion. Yes, what better place to hide? You would know when the other three Beatlemen were on the run, you hunted them down one by one. Help, they said. Help. I need somebody.

That is anybody. Speaking of which, can we just address one issue very quickly? Yes, of course. What is it with the individual who's now always with you? Listen, if any of you have a problem with my partner, I'd want to hear it right now of you have a problem with my partner, I'd want to hear it right now. We have a problem with your partner. All right, well, she gives me lots of good ideas,

and we've got a very special connection. I don't understand her artwork. I take little parts of hands and put them in. Parts of hands? She's been in this meeting this whole time! Yes, of course. Do you understand how chucking secret this council is? This is a council of six, not seven.

Seven? The whole thing is that it's a council of six, not seven. Get out of here. This is extremely rude. I don't bring my girlfriend to my meetings. I will be leaving, but remember this. Inside of you is outside of you. Okay.

Get out. Get out. Get out. You, get outside of you. Okay. Get out! Get out! Get out! You, get out of here! You guys are all being dicks. Whoa, whoa, what's up, Rebels? This is your super nice leader, Sisu Gundu, with an important reminder. This time of year, after Ex-Mars, but before our big New Year's sabotage raid,

is often time when Rebels suffer from utter and complete boredom. That's why The Rebellion officially endorses the podcast Reply All as a 100% guaranteed source of fascinating entertainment every week. Reply All hosts Alex and PJ and their team of brilliant producers and reporters tell stories that are often related to the internet and technology and anything that strikes their curiosity. What the episodes all have in common is riveting, true storytelling and hosts with hilarious chemistry.

They just posted an amazing episode that revisits their most fascinating stories from this past year. A great place to start. If you're not listening to Reply All, please fix that. It will unburden our already overtaxed rebellion mental health counselors because your mind will be activated.

That's Reply All from Gimlet Media, wherever you get your podcasts. Sisu Gundu, over and out! Okay, now that Joko Bono is gone, alright, we can reconvene as six best friends.

Yes, rump so often you are the voice of reason. It's making words of wisdom. Indeed. Yes. Fortunately, I'm sure we have our very best ambassadors out there gathering intelligence. What does the info feed say of our ambassadors in the Zix Quarton? Wait a minute. It's a kek. Cited on this feed.

My word, you're correct. Not just a citing, an attack. The kek? A verified contact with the kek. Wait, Joey, Joey, it was your job to call the exterminators. For the kek. For the kek. But...

We all pitched in and you said, I'll do it, I'll call the exterminate. And then I had an audition and... Joey. Joey. I lost Cracko. Joey. You're one of the heads of the galaxy. Well, to be honest, you know, this is more of the side hustle.

We've all got side hustle. We all have things to do. So this is the side hustle. This is the side hustle. The Council of Six can be no one's side hustle. Well, you know, acting is my number one passion. We don't, your pastor. Good lord, Counselor Joey.

I trust you at least cast in the role. No, they went with a different Suskillian for that one, yeah. Another puddle of liquid. Yes. But she is, Greg, some of the best actors in the whole world of puddles of liquid. I know, I've seen a hollow with ships and puddles of liquid. When you auditioned, did you tell them, listen, I can be in any size or shape container?

I mean, they were really looking for a look, and Ava Galarga came in a flute. Oh, perfect. She's exactly what we're looking for. You've got to dress for the part. Well, also, Ava Galarga. But it was a different time. You know, you got your Jim Jim Raj. It was a different time. Rest in peace, Jim your Jim-Jim-Rodge. It was a different time.

Rest in peace, Jim-Jim. All right, be Jim-Jim. Wait, look at this information. It was an ambassador ship attacked by the Keck, our own ambassadors. Oh, so they lost those ambassadors. No, they're still alive. They survived a direct attack by the Keck. No one survives a direct attack from the Keck.

Not from growers, not from weavers. What about the Oryx? The Oryx are the bulls. What's he got to worry about? No, no, no. What about the weavers? Well, the weavers are... Listen, I used to fight the Keck,

and you could go through an entire line of weavers, and you got an Oryx back there. Well, then, boom, a royal drone shows up. Then a royal drone shows up, and you know you're juked. What sort of ambassadors could survive a direct assault by the Kirk? Computer, give us the information on our Zix crew. We'll have all the information we need from this crew in order to put the Zix quadrant down. They're in the Bargerian Jade.

Oh, I thought, wait a second. The Hollow Star? Bargerian Jade. Wait a minute, Rumpf. Yes? Did you meet this crew? It does. You were recently deployed to this squadron to pick up your wayward

child. Yes, yes. My son was on a field trip. Um... Runf, we can see all the redacted material in this doll. Oh, goodness. They've been to Slog's diner. I stop in Slog's all the redacted material in this donkey. Oh, goodness, they've been to Slog's diner. I stop in Slog's all the time.

I'm doing dust mostly. Yes, we know. As you know, I have a vice grip on the underworld as well as the military. But the dust is my crown jewel. And Slog's, because it's in a neutral zone, it's easy to run through. I trust you remember we must run the dust lest we bust. Yes. We don't want a dust bust.

I wish there were a way to remember that, though. Yes, Roni could summon... Now that I've... Now I'm looking at it, chewy chewy. Sure. These ambassadors were on the redacted planet in search of the relic. Did they retrieve the relic? How could they have retrieved the relic? No one's retrieved the relic.

Well, the riddles are impossible to solve. Oh. Well, we've heard that from Clint. And the planet was destroyed. We assume the relic destroyed with it. Yes, completely atomized by Clint. They must not have found it. But it does say here, look at this fine print below the smaller print. I can't read! I'm a queen of the

babies! We know! So you see there, it says they retrie below the smaller print. I can't read! I'm a queen of the babies! We know! So you see there, it says they retrieved the relic. So you're telling me that we've got three ambassadors rogue with a hot bean in their possession? They won't even know what to do with it. By all the space magic in the galaxy

this could be terrible. Looks like they've talked to Swag Tambourine. No. That means... That wasn't even a mission. And yet they managed to find Zwag Tambui? How could they find Zwag Zambui? Wait, does that mean they know that he's making a planet crusher? Obviously.

For us? I know I'm simply the queen of the bears, but all of this sounds sneaky. Yes, you're right. Agreed. Yes, but all of this sounds sneaky. Yes, you're right. Agreed. Should you read through these reports, it appears that these missions have failed due to their supposed incompetence.

But how could all of these missions fail? No, no one could be that incompetent. Counselor Trink, what do the logs say? Well, certainly the C unit that we put on each ofadorships has been there to keep things in line. Yes, yes, yes, yes. What of the C-unit? Yes, Councilor Corpus Stadius. Yes, the records show the C-unit is C-53. Well, we're not receiving anything.

What? There's no signal from the C-unit. Sorry. Are you meaning to tell me they've destroyed their C-unit? Well, the last time the C-unit gave a recording, it was on... Ladies and gentlemen, I put it to you that this supposedly incompetent ambassador team is actually the key to the rebellion.

The tax man is right. That's me. I'm the tax man. I'm the famously helpful occurring tax man. You are the tax man. I'm saying you're in charge of taxation and finance. Also, my side hustle is that I'm a paperback writer. Of course. Of course. We all have side hustles.

We all have side hustles. What do we do? Listen, there's only one thing to do. Who is the superior officer on the delegator? Let's see. Here he is. Where's his photo? Nope, he's not in the photo.

He's small. You have to scroll down. His smile is infectious. He does have an infectious smile. Indeed. Yes. It looks like he's... No, he can't still be a junior missions operations manager.

We've got a junior's mission operations manager running this. At the very least, a missions operations manager. He's too old. He's too old to be a junior missions operator. A junior missions operations manager is a perfect cover in order to... To hide a cunning mind. Yes, indeed. Listen, we have hundreds and hundreds of ambassador groups, do we not?

Of course, we have plenty. We could just cut out this cancer immediately. Yes, yes. There's only one thing for it. Yes. We must find this junior missions operations manager, terminate him immediately, and find the Bargerian Jade.

Arcuri, this is where your deviousness may come in handy. Yes. Yes. Every Federated Alliance ambassadorial vessel has a bomb planted aboard it. Yes. Controlled from this console right here. Go ahead, press the button. No!

What? No. We must... Fine, I'll press it. No, don't. Don't press it yet. No, listen, we've already established exactly what needs to happen. I'm just going to press the button. No, no. It's my console. You won't press the button. We won't.

Maybe they'll lead us back to the rebellion. Yes, we won't detonate the Bargerian Jade. Oh, I see. Until we have our hands on this Nermit Bundleoy. Yeah. Well, I'll send a troop of Clint's as soon as possible. Whatever happens, the ambassador team of C-53, da. And the pink one. The pink one.

The pink one, yes. Yes. They will meet their doom. Is he pink, though? Is he really? I mean, he's pink enough. Is something wrong with your display? He's clearly pink. He's pink. Let me adjust your contrast. He he pink, though? Is he really? I mean, he's pink enough. Is there something wrong with your display? He's clearly pink. He's pink. Let me adjust

your contrast. He's pink-ish. I mean, he's more pink than he is, say, blue. He's pink. Well, then you wouldn't call him blue. You'd call him pink. Let's all take a vote. Pink? Yeah. I mean, sure. Pink. Alright, fine. Pink. Yes. Whatever happens,

we will quash the ambassadors and bring the rule of the Council of Six to the Zix Quadrant forever. We're all laughing because of that joke we thought of before. No, it's ominous laughter. No, it's ominous laughter, baby. It's a mood laughter. See Red IT-5 credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol. Counselor Phoebe Rumpf was played by Seth Lind. Counselor Monica Kasu was played by Mujanzul Faghari. Counselor Ross

Corbistanian was played by Alden Ford. Counselor Joey Joey was played by Allie Kokesh. Counselor Rachel R. Curie was played by Jeremy Benn. Counselor Chandler Trink and Counselor Gunther Balwe were played by Winston Knoll. This episode of Mission to Zix was recorded at the Stately O'Connell Mansion in Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell.

This episode edited by Alden Ford. With sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Gois. Mission to Ziggs is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom. Would you like to represent Counselor Joey Joey?

Please email us at crew at mission to ziggs dot space. Joko Bono is an honored member of this group. No, she isn't. She's always been a member. No, that's not even close to true. I never left. You are absolutely paying for her food. How dare you.

And stop taking those nude photos with her. What? What's weird about that? We didn't enjoy your Ex-Mars card. Yes, it was a... Very inappropriate. It was an inappropriate Ex-Mars card. What?

Me? Joko? Our son? Yes, it was weird. Well. All right.