Mission To Zyxx - 2XM: X-Marse in Zistarkitarn

Episode Date: December 20, 2018

In this festive lost scene from an unknown date before the events of the Season 2 Finale, the crew ruminate on the meaning of X-Marse and hear from a few friends.  Featuring: Jeremy Bent Alden Ford Allie Kokesh Seth Lind Winston Noel Moujan Zolfaghari With appearances by: Paul F. Tompkins Leslie Collins Yoni Lotan ...

This is SeaRed IT5 with a special announcement. Due to galactic political upheaval, Emperor Bundaloy has cancelled ExMars this year. Please enjoy this lost scene featuring the crew of the Barbarian Jade, which takes place before the events of the Battle of the Planet Crushers. God bless us, everyone. What's wrong, Bino? Bino Bino, that was the saddest fart I've ever heard from you Bino

Just wanna know What X-Mars is Bino, you wanna know what X-Mars is? Bino heard Bargy talking about X-Mars Yeah, I was talking I was in a conversation with my son And I was like, why do I only have to call know what X-Mars is? Bino heard Bargy talking about X-Mars. Yeah, I was talking. I was in a conversation with my son, and I was like, why do I only have to call you on X-Mars?

Why can't I call you more and check up on you more regularly? And he's like, I'm living my life, Mom. I'm no longer an amusement park. I'm now a laser tag park. Anyway, but X-Mars. Bino want to know what X-Mars is. Oh, Bino. X-Mars is for a few months. Bino want to know what Exmars is. Bino Exmars is for a few months. Bino want to know what Exmars is.

Okay, okay. Listen, Bino, Exmars is a very special time of year, usually in the winter, where family and friends gather around. We open boots that have presents in them. And on my planet, it involves killing one of your tribe. And, of course, that brings us all back to the meaning of Exmars, which, as we all know, is survival.

Hey! We love X-Mars. Yeah, we love X-Mars too. We went from zero to hundred on X-Mars. We don't want to do X-Mars right now. Uh, that's not really... We don't want to do X-Mars right now. Okay, Bino, listen.

You know, usually you play in X-Mars. You know Okay, Beano, listen. You know, usually you plan X-Mars. You know, you buy. Yeah, you got to buy everybody their boots. Beano thinks we should do X-Mars and Sistarka Tarn. I mean, you know, that's kind of a fun, kind of kitschy thing to do. Yeah, a lot of university students will have that kind of party. Yeah. X-Mars and Sistarka Tarn.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know what, Beano? Great. You know, next time we pass, Sister Internets. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know what, Bino? Great. You know, next time we pass, you know, the Tiger Nebula strip mall, we'll hop in, grab some presents, we'll put some boots together. I have a bunch of boots.

Wait, what? I have a bunch of boots. You know, I've never opened them. I had a party back in the day. It got a little wild. You know, so long ago, we were still a democracy before that was set on fire.

Whoa, pre-monarchy. Yeah, so the police came. They raided the place. It was a crazy party. Pardon me,-monarchy. Yeah, so the police came, they raided the place, it was a crazy party. Pardee, when you say the place, you mean you. Yeah, they raided the place. At that point, I had a very low self-esteem. I didn't consider myself a mere, I considered myself a place.

Wow. Anyway, I still have all the boots. Oh. Whoa. Oh! Pardee, there are dozens of these. Yeah, we didn't get to open them. Pardee, you have to shut them out. Oh. Wow. Yeah. Barty, there are dozens of these. Yeah, we didn't get to open them. Barty, you've got to get these boots off me.

Nermit, why are you always standing under the delivery chute? You know, you never know when you're going to get something delivered. But it's, I mean, I'm in a pile of boot. Ugh. Get out of there. I apologize for the dust and the smell. But let me tell you, that party was crazy. You know, I don't know if we should be opening these boots.

These are like collectors. Some of these belong to celebrities. Oh, you don't know if we should be opening these boots. These are like collectors. Some of these belong to celebrities. You know, open them. No. Here we go. Okay. Oh, wow. Jugs.

That's just a pile of jugs. Yeah, that's the cream lacrosse. Yeah, yeah. But it's the wrong color. Yeah, well, this dust is clearly gone. Mad. It's just become dust, as you see. Mm, yeah. That'll happen. Open another. This dust has clearly gone mad. It's just become dust, as you say.

Yeah, that'll happen. Open another. Oh, wow. It's a little big for you, but you can grow into it. Bino loves David pieces. That was probably from Lillian Minow. Oh. He was a real nasty little piece.

He is. You know, Bino, a lot of the time... We all take turns. We all take turns opening boots. That's kind of... Bino, open another boot. Okay. Rude. Hmm.

Another boot. Wow, a boot inside a boot. It's a nesting boot. Okay, sure. Okay. Wait, open up the one that's been making noises. It's been driving me crazy for such a long time. There's something that's still

activated in one of these boots? Oh no! What is she doing? Oh boy, wow. You opened it, Bino. Do as that tiny creature says. No. It's been trapped in a boot You opened it, Bino. Do as that tiny creature says. Can we see if this thing has family?

I know. It's been trapped in a boot for 90 years. Yeah. Yeah, it's all right. Bino, this is part of X-Mars where, you know, if a very suicidal being has been trapped sort of genie-like in there, you do have to kill it. But is this meaning of X-Mars survival? It's our survival.

Yeah, well. At the expense of Ex-Mars survival? It's our survival. Yeah, well. At the expense of others, if necessary. You know what might actually help set the Ex-Mars mood? Why don't we throw on the Holomark channel? There's just hour after hour after hour of senseless Ex-Mars

holos to watch. They start that earlier and earlier. Oh my gosh, yeah. And a lot of them start barging. Oh, what a yeah. And a lot of them star Bargy. Oh, what a beautiful X-Mas Eve. I can't wait until I get my X-Mas kiss underneath the salacious

rock. Bargy! Bargy, that's you! Oh my God! Is that that same guy from the movie? Kill me! I'm not gonna kill you! Yeah, kill me! No! Tomorrow's X-Mas Eve. You can to kill you. Just kill me. No, to Mars X, Mars E. You can't kill someone.

It's about survival. Not about our own survival, but the survival of everybody. Happy X-Mas. Happy X-Mas. Buy the merch. Bina, we might have gotten that wrong earlier when we told you to kill that guy. Right. Oh, you know, times change. Sure, it was a different time.

It was 90 years ago. Beano still not know what is X-Mars. Listen, Beano, I gotta tell you, X-Mars is pretty much what we've done. It's boots. You watch some Hallmark Channel. But Beano think there must be

more to X-Mars. I mean, I think it's a lot about you have rough relationships with your family and you try to fix that through what ends up being a pretty poorly thought out gift. It's always inside the same thing, a boot. To be honest, it's not a great receptacle for most gifts. Hey, can someone stop Roger from touching all my buttons? He wasn't my favorite co-star. We do not get along.

The reason why is in the hood. Roger, we can drop you off wherever you want. Just stay still. Dad. No, Roger, certainly not. I've been like this forever. Certainly, Roger. Got it.

Hey. Oh, Roger. Oh. He went down the toilet. All right. You got what you want? But really, what is X-Men? Oh, Roger! Oh, he went down the toilet. Sorry. You got what you want. But really, what is X-Men? No, think about it.

Usually at X-Mars, you're stuck with your family. You've probably been drinking. This group of people is definitely as close to family as any of us are going to get. You can't stop thinking about the people who you were with, what they're doing on X-Mars now with other people. Oh, yeah, you're always thinking about other people and you think are having a better time because they're projecting it on social horror. Sure, sure.

Bino, no, but what is X-Mars? Bino, I need to just explain. What do you mean by what is X-Mars? Bino, no. Okay, listen. I do need a drink now. I feel like that's what is X-Mars? I don't know. I do need a drink now. I feel like that's in the X-Mars.

Oh, I have some of those from that party. Oh, wow. Aged in the bottle. Toss one of those over here. I mean, they're all giant jugs with just three X's on them. There you go. Can't really toss that over. This is a Prohibition era part?

Yeah, what am I going to say? Wow. Listen, uh, Beedle. Did you drink that whole thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened to your teeth? Okay. I suddenly know a dance.

Okay, you actually don't know. The X-Monster. Oh, I'm falling over. Yeah, you don't know a dance. Okay, you guys, in about 20 minutes, get me up. Beano, I want to hear the story of X-Mas. Oh. Well, you know, Beano, a year ago we had a good fortune of meeting an amazing man by the name of Ripsy.

Ripsy. Okay. Just keep drinking, sweetie. Okay. Just keep drinking, sweetie. Okay. And he told us some wonderful stories about the true meaning of Exmars. So maybe if we remember Ripsiso's words. Yeah, you know, C-53, maybe you could play back a story that Ripsiso told us about Exmars. You know, maybe one that was cut for time.

Hmm. I believe I have one of those. Mission time that was cut for time. Have one of those. Mission time, cut for mission time. Yeah, of course. Yeah, we are. Bye, Mening. Mina, enjoy. Tell us about the first Exmars, then, Mr. Caesar.

Rip Caesar. Oh, Mr. Rip Caesar. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, Rip Caesar. Would you like to hear the story of the very first X-Miles? That'd be great, yeah. We would, yeah.

Well, long, long ago, before anyone was born except the people in this story, there was a decree sent out from the centre of the galaxy that galaxy's ruler said, I want to do a census. I want to know every creature that lives in the galaxy. I want to know their name, their ethnicity, their height and weight. I want to know their political affiliations.

I want to know their eye colour. I'd like to know what kind of sex they have, how often, and is it dirty. That's a thorough census, that is. It was a very thorough... Quite similar to what we do.

Yeah, I mean, honestly, that sort of sounds like the Federated Alliance. I was waiting for you to make this about you, Plek. To be fair, C-53 brought that up first. It really felt like you were just... You didn't call C-53 up for saying that. ...itching to say, I do the same thing. Is that what you think my voice sounds like?

Yes. Yes, that's quite close to how you sound. I like to do this. That's a pretty good play. All right, continue, Ripsy. So, there was this couple, this young couple, and they was with child.

Not both of them. They weren't that sort of species. It was just the one, the female one, was great with child. The collectively couple. Exactly. Right. Like that's what they'd say to their friends, like, we're with child. Ugh, hate couples that do that. Ugh. Like, that's what they'd say to their friends, like, we're the child. Ugh, hate couples that do that.

Ugh, really disgusting. I hate this couple. Well, now, it's still early in the story. Don't judge them. Don't write them off just yet. All right, it's going to take a lot to turn this around for us, though. Understood. All right, it's going to take a lot to turn this around for us, though.

Understood. Understood. So, this young couple, their names were Geranius and Medzoid. Geranius and Medzoid had to go back to their own planet, Bethlehem. They had to go there to be counted on the home planet, right? And talk about their sex lives and how tall they were. Wouldn't you know, there was no room at the spaceport for them. Oh, yeah. So they went to talk to the quartermaster of the spaceport who said,

I don't have any room for you, but you can get in that garbage compactor, and I'll tell you what, I won't press the button to smush you with the walls. Common problem. It is a common problem. And very generous of that quartermaster, I must say. I've been smushed in the garbage

compactor, I have. Is that why one of your legs is shorter than the other? No. That's from the story. That's why my legs is shorter than the other? We didn't get to that part of the story, so I wasn't sure. Ow! Ow! Maybe if you stopped bringing it up so much, they won't kick you quite so frequently. You shouldn't have brought it up, sir.

You're right. Sorry. Sorry, continue. So they got in the garbage compactor. The garbage compactor. There's Maertsoid. She's about to give birth. It's her time to birth this youngling that she's got inside of her.

Maertsoid was a Tellurian, so... A Tellurian? Yeah. Oh, the story's about Tellurians. That's great. Sir. Why is that the only way you can understand this story? If you're so Tellurian.

Sometimes it helps me understand things if I can envision it in a way that I can relate to. Ripsy, so please continue your story. So Mertor gives birth to a beautiful child. Now, this child was beloved by many, for many thought that perhaps this child had the power to unite the entire galaxy. That this child would one day grow up to become a great teacher.

And, by example, show everyone the true meaning of Ex-Mars. But the child got lost in the rubbish. Oh, no. It was born and then just slipped down in that garbage. And they never found him. Rumor has it he's still around. That seems like the least likely scenario.

I loved it. That seems... I mean, almost definitely not still around. If that was the first Exmars, I can't imagine... I'm sorry, Ambassador Dexter. Were you there? Were you there?

I didn't leave in the garbage compactor. No. Wait, were you, sir? No, no, no. No, I wasn't. Thought we had a lead. It's a mysterious holiday, Ex-Mars. Well, that was dark.

Yeah, not the most upbeat. Boo, Beano, love it. Do you understand, Beano, now, what Ex-Mars is? Beano, no. Well, hey, I actually got a boot in my mail hatch a couple days ago. A couple days ago? What? Really? Sure, sure. Sure. If you ship it...

Yeah, I mean, if you ship it ground, it's not gonna get here. Sure. Yeah, I mean, if you ship it ground, it's not going to get here. Yeah, Rod, help me if you go for the super saver shipping. Sure. You don't know what that's going to do. So here it is. I mean, ow. Nermit, you have to get out of the window. I don't know when it's going to be something good. It's always going to be something that hits you.

What if it's just like a blanket? You think Bargy would receive a shipment of a loose blanket? I mean, you don't. Why don't you open it? Okay. I guess I earned it. Wait, guys, hold on a second.

This boot is from Miss Janelle Fitzmyer. No kidding. To the crew of the Bargerian Jade XOXO. Wow. There's a call to follow a test.

Okay. Oh. Joy, joy, joy. Tis a season of grace and truthfulness. Hello, dear Plek, C-53, Dar, Nermit, Margie, and of course, Vino, treasured friends. I thought I would send you a very early Exmars update. very early ExMars update. This past year since I've seen you last, I have lost 46 etons of weightlessness. That is very good for my blood pressure. I also took up percussion.

Well, please enjoy the bebops and zoos that I made for you in this nice little tin box. I also included a two-croon coin, and it's from a very rare issue year, so I hope you enjoy that. All is well with the Clints. They are not as smart as they used to be. Something is a little off, but we thought we would add something fun this year to their programming and that's hip-hop dancing i also thought you'd enjoy knowing that you are always welcome to visit me here i do have a trundle bed in my guest room that will sleep three so i hope to see your beautiful faces soon. All right. Ta-ta. Love, love.

Kiss, kiss. Hug, hug. Janelle Fitzmyer. She is so nice. She really just is the best. She's an empath, you know? Yeah, we were lucky to have met her at all. Very sweet.

Very, very sweet. Wow. Oh, well, since we're all gathered here today, there's a new song by Pini Gorno. Very sweet. Very, very sweet. Really? Interesting. Oh, yeah. Is he? Yeah, critics described it as extremely ill-advised.

All right, Penny, we are rolling. So, whenever you're ready. Come gather round, children, and open your boots. I got an X-Mas surprise for all of you. It's my new X-Mas album. You're listening right now. I got a lot riding on this project because I've been down fine and chilly. I mean, there is nothing more X-Mars than a croon grab holiday song. I imagine he was just kind of stoned to death at that concert.

He made it out. He survived. Bino, you are certainly growing on all of us. Yeah, you know, Bino, we really thought you were going to be gone after a couple missions. But turns out you were around for a long time. And when you're gone, if you're gone, we'll

probably miss you. And I'll never ditch any of you ever, definitely. Thanks, Bargy. That means a lot. Happy Exmars, everybody. Happy Exmars. Bless us, everyone. Jeremy.

Oh, no. Whoa. Where did you come from? Wait, wait, wait. Jeremy. He crawled back up the toilet. Jeremy. Jeremy. Nermit, what's in that boot?

Oh, okay. I'm just gonna dig in here. Oh, it's just a sausage. Mm-hmm. I'm just going to dig in here. Oh, it's just a sausage. You get 10% off at Sausage Land, down by the Arena Skate Center off of Route 77882. Wow, this sausage is also an audio coupon. Who loves sausage? We either love sausage. Did you get that?

Do you know what we just did? Yeah, I get the joke. Who loves sausage? We either love sausage. Got it. And now it's 50% off this weekend. Honestly, get the joke. Who loves sausage? We and her love sausage. Got it. And now it's 50% off this weekend. Honestly, a good deal. Man, Bargy, I'm surprised at how many of the items in these boots are still kicking, you

know? Yeah.