Mission To Zyxx - 302: Jennifer’s Bargie [ft. Riley Soloner]

Episode Date: March 27, 2019

The crew encounters a highly skilled navigator of the info web. Bargie has an identity crisis. Nermut needs a device. Dar makes a list. Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as AJ Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie With special guest Riley Soloner as Flix Dunker Edited by Alden Ford Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Additional music by Shane O’Connell Additional sound effects by Riley Soloner Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. This is the last week of the [MaxFunDrive](maximumfun.org/donate)! Join by March 29th to help us make the show.

Hey there, it's Seth Lind, a.k.a. Nermit Bundeloy, here with the whole cast of Mission to Zix. Hello! Hi! And we wanted to say thank you to everyone who has signed up to support our show on Maximum Fun. Seriously, from the bottom of our hearts and cubes and flaps and chutes, thank you. You are honestly the reason that we can keep making this ridiculous and ridiculously labor intensive show. Thank you. Thank you. But here's the other thing. Chances are you, you actually didn't sign up to support the show. And I just mean that like, statistically speaking, chances are you heard

our pitch last week and maybe even our Patreon pitches before season two. And, and you were like, week and maybe even our Patreon pitches before season two. And you were like, nah. And honestly, we get it. We get that it's totally possible that Mission to Zix is one of dozens of shows you listen to and watch. And if it went away, like no huge loss, which is fair. It's a silly sci-fi show in a world full of noble causes and real issues or maybe the show really does mean something to you but you're not in a financial position to help which also we totally get that that is why we release all of our studio episodes to the public for free in our podcast feed so that everyone with access to a phone or computer or an hour on a computer in a library can hear Mission to Zix. But I want to ask if you are maybe in this other position, which we suspect may be the case for some of you. And it's this.

Mission to Zix is important to you. Okay? For whatever reason, this ridiculous world that we are lucky to get to build for you, you would be sad if it went away. And you happen to be in a position to support it financially at some level. Okay, so that's the position, right? You care about Mission to Zix and you have a few spare croon to support it monthly. But somewhere, sometime, you have made a completely rational calculation and maybe without even knowing it, that other people are going to step up with that support and the show will continue. These people don't love the show more than you. They also

understand that it depends on support. They've just taken that next step. So, so what I'm asking is this, for you to be that person. Because yes, it is entirely possible that the MaxFunDrive will end this week and we will have reached the level of support we need to keep plowing ahead with season three without your help. But the crazy thing is that is 1000% dependent on people not making that calculation that you just made. So what I'm saying is that we're relying on people exactly like you to do something different. And I honestly don't want to be preachy here, but to look at something that you value and can get for free and voluntarily say, I'm going to support this. can get for free and voluntarily say, I'm going to support this. Our move to Maximum Fun was a leap of faith in you because this network is all about membership and support and community. And just to get into the nitty gritty, we jumped headlong into producing season three before the Max Fun Drive, which means we literally don't know the financial fate of this show.

which means we literally don't know the financial fate of this show. We jumped into that because we have this feeling that, yes, people will support it. We don't know how many, but we're counting on it being enough. So please show us that we are not idiots for believing this if you can. I don't want to sound too corny, but when we joined this network, we honestly felt like we had come home. And we would love for you to join us here by becoming a monthly supporter of our show at MaximumFun.org slash donate. So again, I'm only speaking statistically here. Even after hearing what I just said, you probably won't do this. But we would love, love, love for you to prove that wrong and help us make this show for you. I'm actually going to ask you to do something right now and it's going to sound a little weird, but stay with me. I want you to get out your phone

and hit pause. Episode 302 is about to start, but i want you to hit pause because this will simulate the feeling of the show not existing which is what would be true if people don't support it and once you do that i want you to go to maximumfund.org donate choose your monthly level click mission to zix in your listening preferences enter your info and then come back and hit play and know that the fact that the audio is there is because of you okay fine it'll be a later episode that you are actually making possible but but you get my point so all right here's where you hit pause i will wait did you do it you didn't statistics okay here's the point where you really hit pause. Okay. Welcome back. Thank you. Thank you so much for your support. Did it feel good? It feels chucking great to us. I can tell you that much. And now here is the show that you

have made with us. Don't forget to let us know on Twitter or email so we can tell you how much we appreciate it. Thank you. Now, Zima Knight, Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zinks. Thank you. Hey, Nermin? Hey, I was wondering if you could... Can you prop me up a little? I just want to kind of stare out this window. Yeah, sure.

Absolutely. I'll lift you up onto the window. So here, but are you, you need to talk about something? Yeah, Nermin, that is an extremely wistful sign. Yeah, I just, I mean, I don't know, like,

I feel like I'm excited to take down the emperor and everything and fight on behalf of freshness against all that's whack. But like, I, I just am so used to assigning missions

and I just don't feel like I have a purpose. You know, I've been thinking. Look, the Rebellion's gone, right? Right. The Federated Alliance is gone, right? That doesn't mean we don't need missions. I mean, I was thinking maybe, Nermit, if we are going to take down the Emperor as a team,

we're going to need a Master Missions Operations Manager. I can do it. I can do it. No, no, no, AJ, that's definitely... Why would you be able to do that? Do you even know what it is? Yeah. Do you have any experience doing it? No.

I don't know what it is. I would like to suggest that I'm a more qualified applicant than AJ for this new position of master. It's not a group interview. No, it's not. Oh, that sounds amazing. That sounds like a higher level missions operations manager than we've even encountered. Yeah, I mean, sky's the limit.

You know what? Tack on another adjective, whatever you want. No, master is great. I mean, headmaster? No, that sounds... Headmaster, that's sort of a different job. Okay. Hey, sorry I interrupt. I just make an announcement.

Please be cautious about using my name in public, okay? We're kind of on the DL. Yeah, we're on the lam. It's on a lot of billboards. You're more famous than you've maybe even ever been. Don't even call me Bajie, okay?

If you're in my ship, don't even call me Bajie. Even if we're on the ship? It's too obvious. People are listening at all times. All right, Bajie. Makes sense to me. Yeah, okay. So as Master Missions Operations Manager, I think all I need is a source of missions.

I think all I need is a source of missions. Oh, well, you know, that comes from the tactical, you know, strategic mind of the missions operator. No, no, no, Black. I need a missionator. But, Nermit, now you get to make your own missions. You can't do that without a missionator. I mean, the missionator contains the hard data, flight paths, planetary locations, the, you know, the business hours of every spaceport, up-to-date census information of every planet, not to mention the atmosphere entrance data. I mean, how many times has Bargy burnt up on entrance of a planet?

Zero times. That's because of the data in the Missionator. Oh, wow. I guess I hadn't really thought about that stuff. Nermit, where are we going to find one of these Missionators? Well, the last Missionator I had was in my rebellion office, so if we could fly back there and get that and... Fly back to the crushed rebellion headquarters

that's inside of Planet Crusher, which is inside of Planet Crusher Crusher. Driven by the Emperor? Right. I don't think so. Seems like a poor plan. Right. Nope. Let's walk that back. Hey, I got a mission.

My time, my time for mission time. Wait, me, me. What? Yeah, I found a guy who could change my identity. Yeah, he's very good at what he does. Two people have recommended him, so he's going to be great. Bargy. Bargy, rest in peace.

My new name, I do not know, but it's going to be something sweet. All right. Anyway, Flixdunker is going to change. He's going to make it better for me. He's great. Wait, who is Flixdunker is going to change it. He's going to make it better for me. He's great. Wait, who is Flixdunker? Oh, he's like a hacker. Hacker.

A hacker? I can't say the word. It's a word I just can't say, but a hacker. A heacker? Are you trying to say hacker? Yeah. He can take, he can get inside my unit and change who other people think I am. You know, give me a new name.

Every single ship was programmed with a certain name, and he can reprogram it. You're saying this guy can get into the databases and change your name so that when other ships are scanning for you, they come up with a different name. Yep, he's a hacker. I think you mean he's a hacker, right? A hacker? It's pretty easy to say. He's a hacker. Hacker. I mean, AJ can do it.

That kind of represents the lowest bar. No, it's just saying. It is easy to say. Also, I have yet to be introduced to this other person inside me. Oh, yeah, sorry. Listen, Bargy, this is AJ. He's a Clint who defected. I'm here to learn from Papa Dexter about this.

Please don't. That's definitely. Clint who defected? I'm here to learn from Papa Dexeter. First of all, I need to consult the text to see what a master apprentice relationship would be called, but I'm almost positive it's not Papa Dexeter. Bargy the ship, I'm here to learn from

Papa Plek about the ways of the space. Don't call me Bargy, call me anything else. Literally anything else. Okay. Literally anything else. All right, listen, um, ship, uh, this is my protege. He's a defective. Don't just call me by my name.

What? How was I? That's rough. What, am I just supposed to pick a name? Okay. A name. Uh, Jennifer, this is AJ. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Jennifer, no judgment, um, but if you want help picking out another name, I am working on a pretty perfect list of them. Okay. A list of names? Dara, that's so cute. I love that.

Are there any, you know, sort of like family names that you're considering from the lineage? Oh, sure. I am considering, obviously, my mother's name. That's got a nice ring to it. Exactly. It'll be too hard to spell, you know? Like Nermit Jr., not to be... That's the emperor's name.

That's my name first. But it feels like there'd be a lot of stigma around that. No. The junior of the emperor. That's actually a good point, Nermit. What? It's my name! Well, it's also the name of the most evil entity in the galaxy, so sorry.

Look, I have an incoming transmission from an unknown caller. I can't even get a message ID on this. Weird. Should we answer it? Probably not. Oh, that's it. Pick it up. Oh, no. That's my guy. Margie, what's up? It's Blink's doctor.

Hacker extraordinaire. Whoa, his face is all pixely. I have no idea how he's doing this. So, the thing we discussed, you could do it? Yeah, I think we could do that. Okay, great. I'm now sending you all of my information, my private information, also all the information of everyone on this ship.

Come on, Jennifer. Are you sure this is a good idea? Here we go. Just got to press these buttons. Great. All right, there we go. Press these buttons. This drop-down menu, select that. I feel like a hacker would not have to walk through it like this out loud. I just gotta click this two times, and then I gotta look at this number, and then I'm

gonna take this piece of paper, turn it upside down. Piece of paper? Alright, I'm in. Jacked in. Alright, do you have an alternate alias? All right, I have some options. I'm thinking of options. I don't want to stress it out.

What about Cricket Pearl? I can't. I've already used that one in the past. Okay, Apollo Bowie Flynn. He was a famous actor who murdered someone. Yeah, can't use that one. What about AJ? Yeah, we can't have two AJs.

You know, guys, I don't want to stress you out, but it is illegal for me to be in these databases like this, switching things around, turning pieces of paper upside down. So if we could... Are you literally turning pieces of paper upside down. So if we could... Are you literally turning pieces of paper upside down?

This would be a lot easier if you guys would come to my dorm room. We have to come to your dorm room? Yeah. Sounds good. I'm on my way right now. No, Bar- What? No, what? A dorm?

Bargy, Flix is in college? I thought this guy was a legit hacker. Education's very important. No, I understand that, but, like, is he a... Never give up on your dreams. Always study. I just don't know if this guy's legit. Where did you hear about him?

Plek, I know you're talking to me. I just don't have time right now. Time is of the essence. I want to disappear. I do not exist. The things I've done in my past do not represent who I am as a person. I've made mistakes, but now I'm moving forward as a new, completely new ship who has no history financially and cannot be charged as a result.

Don't ask questions. It's just happening, okay? We actually do have a couple of questions. Yes. No need to ask any questions. Oh, we're asking questions? Just keep it all. No, AJ.

Under wraps, just accept I am somebody else and we're getting the hell out of going very fast. My question is, if I'm a clone, do I have a soul? Oh, wow. Wait. That's rough. Wow. Wow, this is... Is this like a college planet? Yo, bro. Oh, yeah, hi. Bro, can you toss me that laser disc?

Uh, I mean, yeah. Oh, man, I haven't thrown one of these in a while. Just snap it. Okay, here you go. Hit. Ah, My hand! You sliced my hand off! Oh, no.

I don't know. How was I supposed to... You're supposed to snap the wrist. If you're free this Saturday, we're having a giant party in room 55B. It's B-Y-O B. Dot dot dot B. You know what that means. It doesn't mean fear. It doesn't mean whatever you think

It's what you think it is But it's the opposite of that Remember to wear yellow and turt turt Yeah we're not actually students But uh Come on this is super flattering They think we're students Oh yeah okay

Hey yeah we'll be there See you at the party Man I was never invited to any parties When I was in college, so... So we have to bring a bee thing. Yeah, we're not going to this party. We're going to be here long enough to go. Well, this looks like it, Claudian Hall.

Okay. Shouldn't we be signing in or something? This feels a little bit... We literally just landed and walked into this building. Hey, put this in your mouth and chug it! Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug First meeting's on Tuesday. Okay. Be wild. B. Okay. Which? Is it the B that we're thinking? Yeah.

Is it the opposite B? Okay. Wow. Oh, boy. You have to figure that out. Wow. Nervin, are you all right? I'll be okay.

I think I got most of it. You are such a liability on mission. No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm getting a little worried about the reliability of this Flix Dunker we're going to see. I don't know if his skill set is going to be something we'll actually be able to use.

Yeah, this seems like a pretty youthful, laid-back kind of environment. Jennifer vouched for this and put air quotes around it. True, man. I think his room's down the hall. Oh, boy. 991. Okay. 991. Okay. 993.

Okay. This seems to be the right room. Okay. Oh, there's a whiteboard on the door. It just says, come on in. Well, I guess we should listen to the whiteboard. All right. Hey, hello? Oh, hey. What's that? the whiteboard. All right. Hey, hello.

Oh, hey. What's that? Come on in. Hi. That's Flix. Come on in. Flix Dunker, hacker extraordinaire. Welcome to my lair.

I couldn't tell from his voice that we were about to hang out with a child. Must have modified his voice. Let me call. Classic hacker move. Classic. Where's Bargy? Flix, Bargy's a ship. She can't fit

in the room. It's huge. We can't bring a full-sized ship into your dorm room. It's way too big. It's kind of a rip-off. I mean, it's kind of jucked up that you would like... You know, you could have come on the ship. No, I don't really like to leave here.

Sure. Okay, yeah. Wait, hold on. Is that a Clint? Um, yes. The short version is yes. That's right. All right, yeah.

Come here. Come here. Just take this plate off of your chest piece. Whoa, hey, what are you doing? Yeah, here, hold on. Just put... Here, can you stick this

in your... Yeah, sure. Yeah. All right, and just five, five, four, three, two. Okay. I'm going to. What?

There we go. What just happened? What? I just patched Bargy's voice pattern into that Clint suit. Bargy, can you hear us? Again, again, again. What did you know of the name? Okay, sorry.

I don't know who's who. Wait, hold on. AJ, can you hear us? Oh, no. He'll be fine. You sure he'll be okay? I mean, like, he's got air. Pipe him in.

Hold on, quick question. When you patch me in, do I have the power to also move the arms and legs of the thing I'm in? Give it a shot. It's just a... Wow, wow, no. Is it working? Yes. How is that possible?

Well, it's common knowledge that Clint Farmer has a number of negative motion servos installed, so if Barthel can access those, then she can control the suit. I'm tickling Nermit. Ah, hey, no, stop it. I've always wanted to do that. He's so tiny. Stop, stop, stop. Ah, this is very, this is very confusing.

Come here. No, I don't want to. I want to slap your face. Ow, Bargy. AJ, if you're having trouble, you can probably just take the helmet off. Ow! Bargy! AJ? If you're having trouble, you can probably just take the helmet off. Oh, yeah. I knew that.

I knew that I wouldn't die if I took the helmet off. Did you think you were going to die just now? I didn't know. Why would I be... Is there a chance you didn't know that? Bargy, you still there? Down here. Okay. Yeah, okay.

So we're doing this or not? Yeah, let's do it. It shouldn't be too hard to get a new name to Bargy. It's just the problem is I've been hacking for so long

the university capital put limits on my bandwidth. They capped it. So I'm thinking if we could plug your chrome butt into my rig. It's filter. Is it your butt?

You can plug in your butt? Well, I have ports and adapters. Why would they put them in your butt? Well, it's just, you know, in terms of real estate on the body, it's one of the first places people think to look. Sure. And also, you get to sit down when you're charging. That's true.

Oh yeah, I guess that checks out. I guess I hadn't really thought about that. It's an option. Why not just on your back or on your chest plate? Also a lot of times there's you know, sex stuff that people see you. That's fair enough. Okay, great.

Sex stuff, yeah. I know about that. No more. Great. Yep. Sex stuff. Yeah. I know about that. Okay. You don't have to say it. Okay. You don't have to say that. We're okay.

One time I jacked off into the toilet and it hit the water so hard it splashed up and hit my foot. Were you? Is that a brag? Why would you volunteer that information i thought we were just talking about sex stuff so i thought no first of all that's barely sex stuff secondly we don't know each other at all what's up my name is flicks dunker hacker extraordinaire no i know we we know who each other are i just. Well, seems like you guys have proved yourself. Okay.

I'm going to put on my hack jacket. I'm doing you guys a favor. Wait, you're going to say what? Hack jacket? Yeah. It belonged to my dad. He was a pilot. Oh, no.

Yeah. It's so big on you. Oh, the sleeves are too long. Because it's your hack jacket, isn't that what it says? Netflix on the back? I'm Blix. I'm on the back? I'm Flix. I'm on the net. I'm Netflix, baby.

That's your username? That's your hacker name? Netflix? Yeah. Is there a problem with that? Sort of. It has your first name in it. I mean, yeah.

I'm on the net. Yeah, but somebody might use that information to find you. I think the jacket's cool. I mean, it's a very cool jacket. Every time I put on this jacket and I take this headband out and I put this headband on, I'm ready to hack.

Look at that. I'm in the system. I'm ready to pound some keys and give Bargy a new name. I'm just worried that you have left yourself very vulnerable to attack from other hackers. You're using your first name and such a bright bandana.

That's a great bandana. Maybe a better hacker name would be something like I don't know, Quickster. Yeah, or Hulu. What? Wait, no, that sucks. Hulu sucks. Hulu does suck. Right. Something old school like Blockbuster.

What are you talking? Oh, yeah. That was actually on my list of names. Blockbuster. What about AJ as a hacker name? That's way too short for a hacker name. Also, that's just your name. There's nothing about that that suggests it's a hacker.

But it's my name, so shouldn't it be my hacker name? I'm with Flix on this, right? What if I'm Net AJ? So are we giving Jennifer a new name or do you guys want? Yes, we are. Let's do it. Jennifer, what do you think of the name Petal Blossom Rainbow? That is an absurd name. Nobody would name that.

Might be too whimsical for me. Got it. Got it. No, I hear you loud and clear. I'll cross that one off the list. Okay. How about Geo Grace? That's my ex's name.

Oy, okay. I don't know. I mean, I don't want to... How about Poppy, Honey, Rosie, Daisy, Boo, Pamela? Is that one continuous name? Not a child's name. Buddy Bear. It doesn't, yep, nope. Jamie Oliver.

I mean, beyond choosing a name, don't you need to have your entire identity swapped? The whole history wipe doesn't... I already thought of a new backstory. Are you ready to put it into the database? I'm in. I've been jacked in this whole time. I'm hoping that I don't get caught.

All right. Name to be determined. Was born a humble farmer boy in the town of, like, where are you from? Ranga Six? Ranga Six. Wait, Bargy, you can't have my backstory. I don't know. It's kind of working when Bargy says that.

It sounds sort of noble. Then what's my backstory going to be? You're an Azima guy? Right. I'm an Azima guy now because I came from humble beginnings. Yeah, just make your story Azima guy and then Bargy can be the Bargy. No, I can't start out as Azima guy. No, it sounded kind of good, Bargy.

Whoa, guys. What? Emergency. They're on to me. Who's they? Who's they? Who's they? Guys, emergency.

They're on to me. Who's they? Who's they? The University Capital online. Yeah, it's like the cops of the net. The UCAP net cops? Yeah. If I'm going to hack this successfully, I'm going to need to listen to some music.

I don't know. How is that? Okay. It gets me in the zone. That's its process, Poppo. Oh. That's it. Flick. This is really aggressive.

Check it out. Oh, wow. Flick, that is very loud. Yeah. Can you put on, like, do you have, like, headphones or something you could put on? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I can work better if it's, like, in my head.

Okay. Okay, okay. Zang! Ah! Clop it out, man! What is he talking about? Ah, the beams! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. C-63, are you familiar with any of these slang terms? No, not one. Net slang moves

so quickly and evolves so fast that no diplomatic relations droid has ever been able to keep up with it. It's, frankly, a very fascinating linguistic area. It's a crate full of info! God, I'm typing too fast! Thank God I'm wearing these gloves. How do those...

Stop! Okay, how do the gloves... They're fingerless. If they're fingerless, how do they help you? They're on my tail! What? I guess they're still fingers on the glove. Now I'm going to hold my keyboard like it's a musical instrument

because I'm just jamming this hack. Whoa. It looks like he's playing with horns on his keyboard. It's a keytar. He's got his eyes closed really tightly. That is pretty cool. This shouldn't work at all. Oh, man.

C-53! Yes? Increase power. Push! Okay. Push. Push. With his butt.

Out of your butt! Okay, yep. Push the energy out of your butt into my rig! This is a lot of ambassador crap. These are cheap. They're not meant to push for this much power. Bargy, quick. You gotta pick a name fast.

I feel like maybe it's Jenna something. Like we're almost there. We're up to G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G- Oh boy. Bargy, I think I got it. Your name is Bargy. Wait, what? B-4, maybe a capital backwards R, J-1-3? That's it. Using numbers as letters. The ultimate hacker trick. It's so simple, it just might work.

But then anyone searching for Bargy, B-A-R-G-I-E, wouldn't be able to find... Wow. Wow. Hiding in plain sight. This guy's good. This guy's good. You have to admit, Netflix is worth the money. Flix, how did you become a hacker anyway? Well, it's a pretty typical story for hackers like me. I was an orphan from a Flyboy Federated Alliance pilot.

He left me his jacket and a box full of hardware. I had to fight my way into a dorm room. Pretty soon I found a league of like-minded individuals that don't like being told what to do. So what do you do? You start breaking the rules inside the net. How is it that you're able to get into all these databases and change names like this? Like, how do you, how do you get this information? Well, if you haven't noticed, I spent a lot of time indoors. Uh, yeah, sure. I sort of meant like, I sort of meant like technically, how do you do it? Oh, technically. Well, you know, I've always been interested in like, uh, doing things

differently. Sure. Uh, yeah, sure. Like, uh, seeing if there's another way in. Uh-huh. Yeah. And now I realize, for me, there's no way out. Wow. I'm stuck in this life. Yeah, that's less technical even then. It seemed like pure jargon. I know too much.

Uh-huh. I'm dangerous. Did you hear the question? No. Okay. But where do you get the databases, is what I'm asking. Like, how do you even get into all of this information? There's a galaxy full of listings of Bargy's name, what she looks like, all of this information.

How do you find it all at once? It's not that hard. I mean, you just got to have the right equipment, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I guess so. Actually, it's this thing. Ever seen one of these? Is that a Federated Alliance mission? That's a missionator.

Official. Yeah. Whoa. It's a little dusty. I blew that. I crouched down to blow that in your face. Sorry. Flix, this is a missionator?

You used this? Past tense. Used it. You know, we could take this off your hands, this missionator. I mean, we're just sort of... I just want to let you know, we're really desperate for a missionator, and I think they'd probably pay any price for it. That doesn't seem...

But it's the truth, right? We were just talking about it. Let's start the bidding at all the croon that we own. AJ, no, we don't need... Listen, I'm just saying... I'm not interested in holding on to this anymore. Okay, well, it sounds like he wants to play hard, Zyball. No, he really doesn't.

I'll become your indentured servant. No, AJ. Actually, you know what? I'm fine with that. As will the rest of the crew. That's not... Well, I mean, I could... No, this is old stuff that you'd probably just...

You know, you'd want to be decluttering. I mean. Yeah, there's life-changing magic in time. Yeah, would you hold this missionator and does it bring you joy? Okay. Well, it kind of reminds me of my dad. Sure. No, no.

Which fucking sucks. No, don't throw it. Don't throw it. Rod, stupid dad always telling me to go outside, make friends. I mean, that's not terrible advice. I couldn't kill you. Your dad actually, I mean, based on that one memory, I mean, your dad sounds pretty reasonable. Is that what he yelled at you the most?

Did he say anything else? I don't know. Like, eat something that isn't a corn loop every once in a while? That's also pretty cool. Your's also pretty cool, actually. I'm about to chow down on a bowl of corn loops right now. Those are not good. There's not a whole lot of nutrition in corn loops. I'm hacking my body with corn loops.

How? How? How? Once these corn loops are in my system, they take over. Like I take over when I'm in the computer. In that sense, yes. But you're the victim. Everything I know about my

brain chemistry, I thank Corn Loops for that. Did you guys know that they were originally called Carn Loops? Not now. It's pronounced Carn? Nah, it's a long story. Wait, Flix, I thought you said you were an orphan. When was your dad giving you

this advice? Oh, I mean like I'm like an orphan by choice. What does that mean? It means like I don't like being told what to do, so I'm like every time my dad calls at around like two every day, I'm like whatever, dad. Send me some croon and then I hang up.

So wait, when your dad dropped you off, he dropped you off at college? Yeah, but he pushed me out of his craft and sped off. Was it because he was choking up because he was sad to be parted from his son? I don't know. He's always crying. He's got memories of being in the Federated Alliance. He's a nerd. He's a nerd?

Wait, you know how to fly a ship? You're a nerd, dude. I don't want to talk to you. Wait, Flix, are these boxes look like care packages addressed from him? I don't care. It's not a care package if I don't care. I don't know.

A care package is from someone who cares about you. That's not how it works. Yep, Flix, listen. There's boxes and boxes of corn loops here. Send them to you because he cares about you. Do they make Corn Loops on the university planet? No, they're like, they, no. Okay, so he's sending them to you because you can't get them here.

Yeah, but he doesn't like his dad. His dad's a nerd. Yeah, I know, AJ. Wait, are you guys telling me I have to love my dad just because he sends me stuff and pays for everything that I own? I mean, you don't have to. You don't have to. Thank you. We're just saying that he obviously loves you.

Listen, Flix, we're happy to take that Missionator off your hands if you want to get rid of it, you know? You want a device that tells you to do things? Well, I mean, it takes the information and it helps you. Yeah, no, that's... It takes information and helps you. Yeah, no, that's... If you haven't figured it out by my headband, my visor, my gloves, my hack jacket, and the terrible condition that my room is in, I don't like being told what to do. Whether it's an AI RA bot, or whether it's the nutrition label on a box of corn

loops or my chucking dad listen hey flicks can I just give you know that nice wait you want to give me advice sort of are you gonna take that advice I will hear it as a friend as a friend how about you give me some advice I kick you in the nads? Okay.

Deal. We'll take it. Stop. Stop. No. And all the croon we own. Stop. Come on.

AJ. Flix, you don't have to try so hard. Okay? And, you know, you should listen to your dad. He's got some pretty good ideas. All right. Noted. And now I kick you in the nads.

No! He didn't say he was gonna do that it's the oldest trick in the book saying what I'm gonna do and then doing it but good job holding the missionator through that whole exchange I can take that off your hands my Zima training

at work. Alright, Nermit, here's your missionator. I guess your master missions operations can begin. Come to mama. Got a few comments in there. Oh, okay. All right, I'm going to plug this in near my terrarium. And, oh, it feels good. Welcome to the mission, David.

Oh, boy. Oh, that's cool. That song, it's been playing in my head, and to hear it in real life again feels so good. You know, I've got to say, Bargy, you know, that was sort of a crazy mission, but I'm glad you got what you wanted, and I'm glad we get to still call you Bargy. Yeah, but not Bargy. Oh! AJ, AJ.

Turn off the helmet. Turn off your helmet! Sorry. Sorry. Hold on. How's that? Better? Yeah, wow. Yeah, that was... Didn't consider that side effect. Now remember, don't call me Barchi. Right.

Don't call me Barchi. Sure. Yeah, you got it, Barchi. Oh, yeah, so, just to clarify, we didn't like any of those names I mentioned, and we wouldn't want to use them ever with something else. Listen, Dar, you can't count out those names. You know, maybe whatever is inside of you when it comes out, you know, you'll know. Barchi.

That sounds so different. It sounds so secret, you know? No one's ever going to suspect Baji. What did Baji do? Nothing. Baji was a fauna. Baji came from a... Where's Flick from?

Rangus 6. Rangus 6. Baji came from Rangus 6. Flick will have an incoming transmission from Flick's dunker. Huh. Uh, okay. Hey, Flix. Attention crew of the Bargerian Jade and Bargy.

It's me here. Flix Dunker. Oh, hey, Flix. What's up, man? What's up, guys? Um, my stupid family, uh, they sent me another care package, or as I like to call them don't care package yeah I guess I saw that coming

they sent me another missionator idiots so like if you guys want to come back and like hang out if you need another missionator like if you need like a backup yeah we appreciate that how much currency you want for it? I just want to ask you guys, if you guys

wanted to be my friend, hang out for a little while, it could be like a Netflix and chill type situation. I mean, I don't know. That seems like a euphemism. I don't really want it. That's not what I've come to a dorm room for, really. Really? You know, Flix, I heard there's a party

down at room 55B that sounds pretty cool. Yes, some face-to-face interaction. It'll improve your mental state. Stop telling me what to do, you tin can. Okay, well, that's... He's put on his headset. That's rude. Bargy, I don't think we ever really got a real answer about why you had to change your name.

I won't get into specifics. But let's just say I made a lot of unwise financial decisions. That have left a lot of people very angry. Possibly people in charge of governments. And if they find out it was me and find out where I am, they will definitely kill me and the people who are inside of me. Okay, alright, wow, that's a good reason. But they'll never get me because now I'm Bajie.

You'll never get Bajie. Oh, we definitely should have chosen a more complicated name. I'm in the cyber vein! Sorry, are we still watching Netflix or should I just turn it off? To be continued... commencing outro protocol. Stay tuned after the credits for an important message from the crew. Zima Knight Plek Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn. Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy, oops, I mean Bargy,

the ship was played by Mujan Zolfagari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nerva Bundeloy was played by Seth Lynn. AJ was played by Winston Knoll. Flix Dunker was played by special guest Riley Soliner. Riley is an NYC-based actor, writer, and comedy wrestler who can be seen performing in NYC with extremely serious wrestling. Riley can also be seen and heard as Vacation Jason, the world's number one

vacation expert. Follow them both on social media at Riley Soliner and at Vacation Jason. This episode was edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Additional sound effects by Riley Soliner. Recorded at Braun Studios in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Margerian Jade by Eric Boyce. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Ziggs is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Hey there, it's Seth again again here with the whole crew hello and because i know uh i just know that you signed up to support our show at the beginning of the episode um or or i guess on the off chance that you didn't get around to it yet now Now I am here to remind you about all of the exclusive bonus content

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Audience supported. I was just thinking so fast with all these corn loops surging through my system. Oh yeah, that's right. They don't break down. They just float through your system. They just kind of roll through my veins. Are you guys sure it's not corn loops?

It's spelled corn loops. It's pronounced corn. I think it's corn, guys's spelled Karnloops. It's pronounced Karn. I think it's Karn, guys. I think it's Karn. Again, this is a bad story and joke. I disagree. It's the best joke. Very funny.