Mission To Zyxx - 303: A Quiet Place [ft. Cathryn Mudon]

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

The crew travels to an impressive repository of knowledge. Pleck Finds Himself. AJ definitely reads. Nermut follows his instincts. Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as AJ Moujan Zolfaghari as B4ЯJ13 With special guest Cathryn Mudon as Poopins Edited by Jeremy Bent Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun podcast network.

This is CRed IT5 with a special message of gratitude for everyone who has supported Mission to Zix on Maximum Fun. We truly couldn't make this show without you. Also, Mission to Zix is performing live in Nashville, Tennessee at the PodX Podcast Convention on the weekend of June 1st. We'll be improvising a brand new episode, appearing on all sorts of rad panels, and hanging out with you. Get your tickets at missiontozix.space and check out the full weekend lineup at podx.com.

It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zemanite, Plek Dexeter, and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Seeks! To six. Hey, C-53? Yes?

Have you seen Nermit? I have, and I'm a little concerned. Why don't you take a look up there? And then I can just... I gotta tie this in. Nermit, get down. Why are you on top of the refrigerator? What do you mean?

I'm nesting. What do you mean you're nesting? Well, it's just obviously I'm about to become a parent. Well, we don't know that for sure. I know. I know in my heart that I am about to become a parent, and as a self-respecting lurd, I have to nest. But why on top of the refrigerator? You have a terrarium.

No, a nest needs to be high up on an edge so that we can get enough sunlight once the young is in here, once there's enough light and air. But there's no sunlight. Is this a ship? It's a biological imperative. I can't... I can't get into the freezer either. Well, these are problems for you.

You're going to block my raising of my child because of your needs for ice? Nermin, I tore my rotator cuff and I... What? Do we have any cool pack hole sacks in the fridge? Oh yeah, we should have one. Nermin, do you mind if we... You're going to treat I tore my rotator cuff and I... What? Do we have any Cool Pack cold sacks in the fridge? Oh, yeah, we should have one. Nermin, do you mind if we... You're going to treat a torn rotator cuff with a Cool Pack cold sack?

That's what I've been trained to do. Oh, yeah. All right, I'm going to move... I'm going to move this and you can get in there to get a Cool Pack brand cold sack or a Colds to Sack brand cool pack. AJ, I just want to be sure. Do you know that a torn rotator cuff is a pretty serious injury? That's usually a month's long

recovery period. Well, because I am a former Clint, we were all bred to heal quickly. All I have to do is apply a CoolPak cold stack and it'll knit itself together. See? Watch. Oh, look at that. Look at that rotation. Wow, AJ. That's really impressive.

Are you doing that soon after you tore the cuff? No, it's all good now. AJ, that's actually really impressive. Guys, I just want to apologize. I've used up all the cold water. Okay. Dar, can I ask a sort of maybe insensitive question? That would be on brand for you, so go right ahead. Okay.

Is this a pregnant thing or like a horny thing? I would say it's a horny thing that cannot be resolved because of a pregnant thing. Sure. Okay. Fair enough. Gotcha. All right. Typically, I would watch porn and, you know, rub out a couple 18s. Sure.

Great. Yeah, you're good. Yeah, I get it. I just don't want the little being inside of me to have to hear that. Yeah, it's a lot of grinding. Margie, I have an

incoming call from Leximar Pudge. Yep, been trying to call me all week ever since we left and died. Do you want me to tell him anything in particular? No, just ghost him. Okay, ghost him. Okay. Ghost him. Bajie, Leximar Pwench is the biggest agent in Hollywood.

You told us that. Yeah. No, he's great. You know, he makes things happen. He put me in all the movies. He gave me all the money that I then squandered and got a bunch of people angry and coming after me. And he's probably wondering, Bajie, where are you? You know, you have contracts.

You can't just disappear, you know. We're going to sue you. Yeah, just ghost him. So you're just avoiding him? Yeah, just passively just avoiding him. Seems like a temporary solution. You know what? My new life motto is keep it under the rug and then sell the rug. Oh, is that where you got all the dirt, Nermit?

Oh, yeah. Once Bajie sold the rug, I was able to access a lot more nest dirt, and then I... I don't know if it's healthy for you or your children to make a dirt nest. Nermit, can the nest wait for, like, the afternoon? Because I feel like, you know, now that we're back in the Ziggs Quadrant, I feel like we've got to get to work, you know? Okay, I ran an extension cord up here to get the missionator up here. I'm gonna just move some of this.

It's under this trash. Alright, mission time. Alright. AJ, we don't usually get super excited. Let's do this. We just do not generally get this excited until we know what the mission is. But it's a mission, right?

And honestly, we're not that excited about missions until we know what the mission is. But it's a mission, right? And honestly, we're not that excited about missions after we know what the mission is. Who are we doing a mission for? What do you mean? We're doing... We don't. This is a mission for the good. But you're not going to pay me, right? This is all just, like, pro bono?

It's kind of a deferred situation. I thought the payment is exposure. That's what I was told. No, that's... That's kind of a deferred situation. I thought the payment is exposure. That's what I was told. No, that's a kind of a fallacy. Well, Bargy, if we overthrow the emperor, we might have a shot at changing the number of tax laws.

Would that interest you? Hold on. Let me think about it for a second. Okay. What's happening? Bargy's thinking about whether or not she should have tax laws changed. Huh. That's it?

Yeah. I mean, you could subtract five and... Oh, you don't have to run your actual numbers. It's more like a general... A thousand million. Well, maybe Nermit can go ahead and assign a mission. Sure. All right.

I, Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy, signing the first mission under such title. We are going to... A lava planet? No. Oh, we don't guess before? No, not usually. We are going to the Locus of Knowledge. Whoa.

Oh, nonsense. I've never heard of that planet. the locus of knowledge. Whoa. I've never heard of that planet. An establishment devoted to the illumination of the mind. Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. We are going to the repository of the most sacred information in all of the quadrant, all the heck,

the whole galaxy. We are going to the public library. The what? What? Let me look at that screen. The public library. Yes. Why did you pronounce it that way? I don't know. I just, I felt like you guys got really excited. I was just

worried it was going to be a downer. So I made it pretentious. Then why did you build it up so much before you said it? No, it's... C-53, this is where a huge collection of original Zima scrolls is housed. What? Yes.

It's a library? Yes. Well, I mean, you know, actually, I have a copy of each of the scrolls. No. What do you mean, no? He has them in his room. No, no, no. I mean, it might have needed some of them for nesting materials, and that's why...

Nermit! What? What is... Huh? Is this one of my ancient Zima scrolls? Yeah, but, I mean, I'm assuming you memorized it, and that's why we're going here. We're going to get better ones. No, you have the scroll. I have to refer to them.

Well, we're going to the public library. We're going to get them. Plek, you could see why he would confuse it for dirt and or garbage. It's very ancient. It looks... Yes, it's at first glance, these ancient scrolls look like garbage. Papa, it's Papa Dexeter. Please stop calling. Plek is fine. You did have them kind of bunched up in your room and sort of.

I don't have a lot of room in there. I just have to put them where they fit. So, guys, we're out on the missions of our lives. And we need to know things. Okay. You know what? I'll go pick up some of the ancient scrolls if I can find them. Great.

Maybe C53, is there anything you can pick up? C53 can get some protocol uploads. I would really appreciate the opportunity to update my Zix diplomatic protocols. I used to have a huge library of them, but most of that was replaced with on-and-off operating procedures. Oh, yeah, you probably don't need those anymore. No, I don't. I don't think so. Dar can figure out how to, you know, sort of like... Solve this horny problem, absolutely. At the library?

Yeah. Any public library worth its salt has a choice collection of literatica. Is that true? I would hope so. I think I've been doing libraries wrong the whole time. And I will be, of course, just looking in, you know, sort of a parenthood section. Nermit, what is it?

I don't know. I feel like you're jumping the gun just a little bit. A father knows. Is that an expression? A father knows when they are a father in the future. I mean, I don't know about that. That's the full expression in the short version of the father knows. Fair enough.

And then AJ could learn anything. Yeah, I think I'm the Clint with the best reading. Mevel. Did you just say reading Mevel? What? No. What's up and welcome to the Tiny Tooth's Memorial Museum! I'm your guide, a hella sick hologram of rebel hero, Dirk Madigan. Oh, wow.

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moment in the history of the group Tiny Toes. Squeegee cleaning up a gnarly spilled omelet. Ugh, it was like super nasty, like 100% nasty. You know, the ticket here was worth it. there. Woo! Library! Okay, AJ. Yeah, AJ, you need to slouch.

The library is typically a quiet, contentious space. Oh. Oh. Shh. No, baby. You don't need to know at all. Probably is going to get you. Excuse me. Group there.

You group. Please take your boots. Please remove your boots and your shoes. Oh. Any footwear, please. Any footwear? Any and all footwear, please. Leave it in the hydro cubby.

Okay. To your left. I have to put my shoes in this bucket of water? It's a hydro cubby. It's a hydro cubby. You put it in. You know what? Sure.

I'll take them off. There you go. That's a very formal uniform. Are you the head librarian here? Yes, you can call me Poopins. Poopins, great to meet you. My name is Zemanite Plekdexeter. This is C-53, AJ, Dar, and Nermit.

Greetings. Are you called head librarian because you're mostly a head? You've got a little, like, tiny... Is it a joke, the word joke? No, it just, your head seems bigger than your, like, much bigger. By what ratio? By what standard ratio? You've got a very clone-centric view of what a being is supposed to look like. I have what would be called by some as a very attractive ratio for my species.

Okay, I mean, I think it really, you really wear it well, poopins. But your big-ass head has nothing to do with you being called a head librarian? AJ, no. No, head librarian is a title that you earn by... Having a big-ass head? No. No. Here's the problem with you interlopers.

The wordplay, these word jokes, they're so limited. The idiomatic, they don't translate across the universe. That's true. So for me to even fake a chortle at head librarian, and I understand it because I speak 89 languages, but it's just so banal. Yeah. Poopins, how long have you been working at this public library? Public library. Oh, I'm sorry. Public library.

Wait a second. I said it right. Of course. How else would you pronounce it? Exactly. It sorry. Public library. Wait a second. I said it right. Of course. How else would you pronounce it? Exactly. It's not public library. I mean, perhaps in some dialects, but truly around here, anybody. The public library.

I mean, maybe a more ignorant person would say public library. Sure, sure. That's more for children. Right. That's what our children are. Right. Well, got an update? Working in libraries has been in my family for four generations.

Wow. And how long have you been at this library? 98 years. Wow. My goodness. Saying it really, really, you know, makes it real. Yeah, do you get to retire at a certain point? No.

Okay. No, we just die, and then we get crystallized, and then you see those busts? You see all the busts that line the top? There we are. All the little heads. Wait. Well, you can only see the heads. Oh, I figured they were just heads,

but those are the full bodies. You can see the legs, too. It's a species thing. Those are your family? Your ancestors? Yes. It's a crypt of sorts. I don't even think you need any of sorts.

It's just a crypt. It's a crypt when you want books in it, really. Wow. Poopins, could you please direct me to the parenting section? Well, first of all, congratulations. When's the due date? Thank you. You know, it's 18 months. Well, wow. Quite a gestation

period. Yes, it's, well, it's a... Nermit, that's very nice of you to try and help me out with finding the parenting books, but actually, I was curious, where do the perverts go in this library? Ah, right over here.

Wow, lots of perverts. I'm taking these nice people to the erotica corner. Don't make eye contact, just follow me. Don't look them in the eye look at this picture no come this way it's 12 holes your mom has 12 holes come on come on come on i may have honestly truly underestimated the level of pervert here. I want to skip over the, you know,

the picture books. Take me to the beautifully written prose. Like, paragraphs upon paragraphs of, like, you know, undressing corsets and that sort of thing. Ah, yes, here we go. These top three shelves.

Please, sir, please stop looking at me with your genitals. I'm with... My eyes are up here. Oh. Where my genitals are. Ah, of course. Yeah. I just want something that's really gonna build to a climax. Ooh, well, I have

this one. It's 9,000 pages long, so it's quite a long, long read, but by those first few pages, well, I have this one. It's 9,000 pages long, so it's quite a long, long read. But by those first few pages, oh, the climax will be tremendous. Challenge accepted. Thank you. Enjoy. Now, parenting, was it? Yes. Thank you so much for remembering. All right, so you're going to go down that corridor, and it's on your left.

Okay. The second you see the mahogany, just pass that. Okay. I am going to pull this ladder and this wheelie stool. Both. Good luck, Nermit. Thank you. You know, just by the way, I don't know.

I wouldn't say you need to, like, spend too much time there. I think you're— No, no, no. I want to be one of those involved, prepared dads. Sure. I want to... A lot of people think it's just for the omnisexual, multi-gendered other parent,

but I think the dad should be really involved. Okay, great. The closest thing I had to a father was a big tube of blue liquid I was floating around in. Oh, where your body was built from the genetic building blocks. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's your father.

That's probably the same. He tried to ground me once. The liquid? The liquid. At first, I wanted to be like that tube of blue liquid, but... Yeah, that's not a good role. A little part. Yeah.

He didn't really get me. Yeah, that makes sense. I hate him. Okay. I'm not going to be role part. Yeah. He didn't really get me. That makes sense. I hate him. Okay. I'm not going to be like him. Yeah, you won't. You won't be. I'm not my dad.

I'm not a tube of blue liquid. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Please, Keith, please. Please. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry, Poopins.

Listen, Poopins. There's people trying to learn. There's people reading ancient texts. There's people reading ancient texts. There's people masturbating behind a curtain. You know. Don't look at him. Poopins, for a public library, this is a pretty big, comprehensive place.

With a central branch. Oh, I mean, sure. Yeah, I guess so. This is a really impressive facility you got here. I was told that there may be some ancient texts here. I'm looking for something on the Zima religion. Do you have anything related to that? Of course. Oh. Of course.

Oh, follow me. Right now? Yeah. AJ is my protege, sort of. And so, you know, I kind of wanted to show him a couple ancient texts, kind of get him, you know, get him started on something. You all can read, correct?

Yes! Nothing keeps my pet worse than people who can't read strolling into the library. Sure. Yeah, well, we definitely all know how to read. Good. What would people come into a library for if they weren't going to be reading?

Sweet, sweet internet. Okay, that makes sense. Alright. A lot of perverts here. Oh, yes. I'm sorry. Let's say out of every 100 people that comes into a public library, how many of them are perverts?

99. Okay, wow. Well, you five. How many is in your group? Yeah, it's five. Yeah, 95. Okay. Well, me, 94. Me, you guys. Sure. You come in and out of the library too. We'll never outnumber the perverts, so.

They're harmless. They're harmless. They're kind of fun. You know, I wouldn't worry about them. Sorry to interrupt. Just wanted to say that the perverts are having a pizza party down at the community center where we were all invited to pants down. You still want to go? No, no, no. I'm just looking to read some Zima scrolls.

I can definitely read, so it's not an issue. Well, I will have to accompany you because they are kept in a climate-controlled vault. Oh, wow. In my experience with ancient texts, a lizard might eat them and then barf them up to make a nest. It's a word joke? No, no, actually. No, it's literal actual vomit. Surprisingly not.

Oh. It's not a bad translation. It's just what happens. Just a thing that happens. Sure, sure. I know it seems unlikely, but... It seems highly unlikely, particularly with my ancient texts, because every scroll is kept under a glass encasing that is locked with crystal light.

Let me open it. Pupins, this place is amazing. It's a perfect chamber. Not too chilly, not too balmy. It's a perfect chamber. Not too chilly, not too balmy. It's a perfect chamber. Wow. Can I just ask, does every quadrant have a central branch of the public library that's this impressive? No, no. We happen to live in a very, very well-funded district. Yes, actually, the emperor may be doing what is known as gentrifying the quadrant.

He's raising the property values and probably forcing out long-time residents. That's terrible. It's awful, but it's great for real estate values. That's not important, see if it's really important. Well, not to you or I, but to the emperor. Sure. Anyway, so Zima warriors, correct? Yes, yes, yes, that's right.

You know, I don't want to brag, but I actually am a Zima knight, as it turns out. Really? Yeah, yeah. You know, in fact, some of these ancient scrolls probably have my name in them. I'm sort of the chosen one of the space, and there's a prophecy about me. Wow. Are you bragging to this librarian? No, I just wanted to put things into context for her.

Sounds like you're bragging. All right, gentlemen, and just so you know, I have hollows set up that give video transmission of everything that goes on in the vault. Listen, Poopins, I am a Zima knight. I would never steal an ancient scroll. It's a mere precaution. It's a mere precaution. Sure, fair enough.

I mean, as a public servant, my default instinct was to think that you are trying to sort of pander to me in hopes that I would let you remove the ancient texts, take them home, read them on your toilet, blah, blah, blah. So the answer is no. I don't care for your prince or whoever, blah. So the answer is no, I don't care for your prince or whoever the hell. So the answer is no.

But that being said... Oh, so you can't check out the text? Absolutely not. These are reference works. These stay in the library. Thank you. Under the crystal light and glass. I mean, I have a couple ancient texts. I just am

missing a couple, because as I said they were regurgitated into a nest. Yeah, poopins, we're going to need these texts. Well, my collection isn't missing a couple because I don't give them out. They stay under the glass and the crystallite. You see how I avoid the lizards eating them is I don't give them out. Fair enough. That's a good strategy.

Right. Papa. Papa texted her. Yeah, what is it, AJ? Do you want me to take this library now? No. No. What are you talking about?

It's just a giant head with some feet. I think I could probably off-kick it or something. AJ, stop. No. Look, Liz, we're in the public library. We're in the public library. We have to follow the library rules. Do not drop the kicker.

It's weird that she's allowed to whistle in the library. Just when she's hobbling around dusting those golds. See, aren't you with me on this? Can we just take the librarian out? No. You can't dropkick an elderly librarian.

It's a lot different. You're right, guys. This is just some of my Federation programming. Sure. You know, AJ, if you're going to learn to be a Zima Knight... Yeah. Tell me, Papa. You have to realize that you can only ever use your powers for good and for defense.

Right. So I'm trying to defend the scrolls by dropping... No. No. I mean, yeah, I get where you're going with it because, yes, I mean, that's one way of looking at it. But that's not what we're, yeah. Now, gentlemen, it escaped my mind. You are able to check out, of course, the facsimiles and the copies I have of the originals.

Oh, well, that would be very useful. You simply can't take the originals. Well, that makes sense, of course. Of course. Of course. We wouldn't have learned if we had dropkicked her. Yeah, I'm really glad. Poopins, I was going to have to dropkick.

No, we were never going to. That was never on the table. Just like a ball, like an airfield. AJ wanted to dropkick you. Oh, dear. Yeah, I agree. Poopins, we're on your side. Good, good, good, good, good.

Poopins, this is truly an amazing place. I'm just going to need a little time to sort through some of these ancient texts. Me too. You take all the time you need. Poopins, actually, why don't we have a moment? I was hoping to update the protocol software for a C-series droid. Do you have that? Five.

Okay, great. That's on a different floor, right this way. Well, I guess we'll see you guys later. Yeah, I mean, sounds good. Now, were you hoping to do the update from the branch? That would be great, yeah. It's possible. The Wi-Fi is a little spotty.

Well, we currently don't have Wi-Fi on our ship at all, so... Great. It has to be better than that. Oh, excellent, excellent. Okay, now here's the update. Let's see. Here you go. Yep.

Well, I guess we start downloading now and get to it when I get to it. Very good. You know, you've got to understand, for a protocol drive, this is pretty difficult not to have the latest protocol update because some societies, their, you know, you've got to understand, for a protocol droid, this is pretty difficult not to have the latest protocol update, because some societies, their social boundaries change over time. And so if I'm running an old update in a society that, you know, things are no longer acceptable, I could be making a number of faux pas. I mean, that would be a nice, because you're very affable.

You know, just your energy immediately, you bring a very affable energy. And I think any species could tell that. But you're right, one foot on, then flips on a dime. Oh dear, that's horrible. Mm-hmm.

I'm trying to send an email to another dimension. Yes. It won't go through. I don't know what's going on. Well, it's a very, very slow... Oh, do you know what? C53 is probably sucking up the bulk of the... No, he can wait. No, of course.

No, it's actually a very important message. I'm trying to reach my family. All right, but what's... I feel like I should stop. I'll be the judge of this. I'm trying to reach my family. All right, but what's... I feel like I should stop. I'm not here. I'm just no go-getter. I'll be the judge of this. What could possibly be so emergency-oriented?

My family is held prisoner by an architect making superweapons in another dimension. Are you sure that's why? It's that important of an email? I just... It's actually very... It's not an apartment application? I was taken from my dimension, and then I was stranded in this dimension.

I was put on an escape pod. Did you put your username in right? It looks like your name is Korn? Yes. No, actually, my name is Karn. Oh. No, I didn't get it. Korn?

No, it's K-A-R-N. K-A-R-N. Yeah, Korn. K-A-R-N. That's my only idea was the username Byte. What? Who is that? It's another pervert. I'm sorry. Sometimes the perverts come in with tech advice. I'm not a pervert. I have a computer in my own dimension.

Well, I am a pervert. I'm not a pervert. I have a computer in my own dimension. Well, I am a pervert. And I need to download these two gaseous billows of cloud jockeying each other. But my Wi-Fi is too slow. Don't absorb it. Don't absorb it. I'm really trying. I will turn into an avatar, and I need to get him out of the avatar. You get away from this android.

Go, go, go. I'm very impressed with your ability to deal with all these, if I may be frank, crazy people. There, you have no idea. I'm not crazy. My family is entrapped in another dimension. Okay, I'm shooing them out. Shoo, shoo. I really have to thank you for that.

That was fantastic. Just don't look them in the eye. That's my motto for all of them. The perverts are still here. You know, honestly, the poopers I'm okay with. They tend to stay in their area and really like them. What if I bring up something they're interested in? Exactly.

And they're always direct about their, you know, you know what you're getting. They're pretty clear about it. And they didn't let me do the pizza party, even though I never wear pants or can't remove them. We make homemade pizza. It's one of our finishes. It's delicious. It's one of our finishes. It's delicious. It's truly delicious. Book being sold.

Book being sold. Alert. Alert. Oh, you'll have to excuse me. You'll have to excuse me, C-53. Don't let any orphans or sad sacks bully you. Okay, are you sure? Positive.

I could pause it. Positive. Please, please. Just keep downloading. Dermot! Nermit! Nermit! I'm up here. What are you doing?

What are you doing up there? Did you find your parenting books? I did. I couldn't help myself. I tore them up and I made a nest. What? Nermit, do you have any idea how many croons that fine is going to cost you? I'll pay it.

And I honestly, I read the book. I read the book, but I couldn't control it. It's just I got, I need to have a big nest. Whether you read it or not is immaterial to me. Well, I just thought you cared about knowledge, and I did try to be fair. No, you destroyed it. You destroyed property of the public library. Did you see Dar?

Did you see how big Dar is? That's why I have to make such a big nest. Oh, that creature is your partner? Yes. That star is going to give birth to our child, and it's just, I need... You built that nest to raise the child here in my library? I know it doesn't make logical sense, but I have a weird reptile brain thing coming through. I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to be a master missions operations manager, and I'm... This is some heavy stuff, and as much as I would like to work through a lot of this, unpack a lot of this for you, but... Yeah, no, you could unpack some of this shredded stuff over here that is on this... No, that fine is going to be tremendous.

I mean, you could probably have done several years of preschool just a really fancy one on the fine alone for what it's going to set you back. I'll pay the fine. Oh, wait, this could be perfect for that pervert's fetish is fine paying. Yeah. We could work something out. Oh, there's nothing that gets me off more than paying a little bar. Are you sure,

Koolgar? You know, Koolgar, get a lard in a nest and I'll pay that fine and get my rocks off. Thank you, cool guy. Well, you lucked out. My genitals are rocks is what I'm saying. What luck?

I'm a rock monster. Hey, wait a minute here. Is your fetish paying off the fine or is your fetish helping lizards in nests? Why do you got a fetish, Jamie? It can be both, can't it? Well, because my fetish is getting the real story out of people who aren't as clear as they could be. Well, I'm a tease,

so you'll never find out. Now, Nervin, I really don't want to get involved, but as you said, she's like 12 feet tall. Yes, they're beautiful. Her pregnancy, it was protruding. I mean, it looked like it was

at least 60 pounds. You're a tiny little bird. That's why I came here to... At the risk of stating the obvious, has it occurred to you you are in no way the father of that person's child? It has not. There's just no biological...

Strictly on a biological, physical level, there's no way. Are we talking about biological impossibilities? Oh, no. Wow, Kilgar. Oh, dear. Shoot, shoot. Possibilities?

Oh, no. Wow, kill guard. Oh, dear. Shoot, shoot. Poopins. What is all this going on? Poopins. I have finally reached the climax of the unbearable light years of being,

and the pages are stuck together. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, goodness. There has to be another copy in the library. There has to be. There is. There's a backup copy, and then every night, well, unfortunately, Dar, every night I go through the pervert section, and I have to put all of the literature into a hydro cubby to soak off the jisms.

And the pizza. And the pizza. Just all the fetish. Did you say jisms? I said jisms. All the pizza. And the pizza. Just all the fetish. Did you say jisms? I said jisms. All right. Mm-hmm. You wouldn't believe.

But the hydro cubby could... Coopins, I just need to know which bodice gets ripped at page 8,889. I am too close to be cut off here. Well, let's find the second copy. Here we go. I keep it in this chest. All right, there you go. You can read it for yourself.

Thank you. Dar, can I just ask? Mm-hmm. Who's that little bird man in the... That little tiny bird man? He's not the father... Your father, your partner, is he? He's not the father.

I don't know what's going on with that. Just the perverts and I were sort of talking. We just inquiring minds. Of course, I hate to destroy anybody's fetish of large, nameless creature and alert, but Nermin and I are together right now. I'm a true love pervert and I aren't together right now. I'm a true love pervert and I'm turned on right now. I'm a full story pervert. I need the full story here.

Well, I would like to be alone with my pervert thoughts and the last five pages of this book. So if I'll excuse me, we'll get to the bottom of it later. AJ, AJ, look. What?

I found it. Huh? Wake up, AJ. What? I was reading. I was totally reading. I can read. You don't put the paper up against your face to read.

Good one, Papa. AJ, look. It's my name. In this scroll. Yeah. Durf was right. I'm the one that is prophesied about in this text. Wow, so we should get that scroll, right? Listen, I think we just need, you know, we'll take it back to Bargy. We'll figure this out. There's answers in here. I know it.

You boys ready to check out? We close in 12 minutes. Oh, wow. Soon. Yeah, you know, actually, Poopins, we found exactly what we were looking for. I just need to check these three Zima scroll facsimiles out from you. Oh, my pleasure. Right over here to the desk.

Check out computer ready to check out. Would you just plop me up next to the, on the table by the computer? Oh, sure. You should put the computers on the floor, right? For you. Well. Okay. Right.

All right. Here you go. Okay. All righty. Just these three scrolls? Yeah. Yep. Okay. Alrighty. Just these three scrolls? Yeah, yep. Okay, computer, here you go. I am the checkout computer.

Book one. Book two. Book three. Alright. I just need your library card. What about a fake? Would you take a fake? No, that's not...

It's a totally different thing. Listen, I don't actually have a library card, but I can just apply for one, right? You can just write, no problem at all, don't you worry. You can just register here. Let me get the screen. Okay. Does it have to be on, the sound on that computer? How would you know what it is?

You'd have to, I guess. Well, she's the head librarian. She probably knows how to use the machines. I guess for people who maybe not know how to read, it'd probably be good to hear everything

that's going on. Don't you think? I hate it when people who can't read come into the library. It's like, you know what I mean? I can't tell them that,

but it's like, what are you doing? You know? I get it. Anyway, let's just start with the easy stuff. What's your permanent address? I currently live on board the Bargerian Jane, who – don't bother looking her up.

She changed her name to Bargy with a bunch of numbers and letters. That's just a – what, a spaceship? Yeah, yeah. It's a spaceship. Yeah, I need like a physical residence, like a place of residency. Okay. I have like a closet on the Bargerian. I don't know how else to describe it.

Do you get utility bills there? You have like a... Yeah, I do have a running subscription to They Teen Magazine, but usually that's delivered by a mail clint. No, let's think, let's think. Poopins, I don't know how to tell you how important this ancient scroll is to me. Can I take a picture of it or something like that to just... I can't just hand this out.

The emperor has provided us incredible funding. And all I'm asking you to do is to just register as a citizen. Poopins, get down on the ground. No, Poopins, AJ, AJ, stop. What is going on? AJ, AJ. I know that you might have trouble. You might just have to lay your head on the ground.

I don't really know how it works, but get your head on the ground. AJ, stand down, AJ. AJ, I warn you, I have an army of perverts ready at my call. Poopits, you look me in the eyes right now. See if I'm somebody who cares about an army of perverts ready at my call. Pupits, you look me in the eyes right now. See if I'm somebody who cares about an army of perverts. Retina scan commencing. Guard confirmed.

Welcome, Rufus Tittle. You owe 7,862 and 46 prune in overdue books. That's not good. Hey, guys. I'm back. I read parenting books.

Did you learn anything good? Yeah, I did not have a serendipitously great transaction with a pervert that covered for nesting. Didn't happen. Was there a chapter on raising children that have healthy relationships with authority figures and don't pull lasers out on them. That's me. Oh, boy. Yes, I read it. Yeah, listen, Poopins, I'm sorry for the

altercation here. AJ's still kind of learning how to be a real person. My dad also was a cylinder of blue liquid, so... The two books you still have out are number one, History of Horses. Number two, How to Be a Person. liquid so oh poor Rolfus oh no poopins my behavior. I'd like to drop it. Oh no, Pupins! What?

Well, you know who is really the help today? What's that? The run-in Pupins. I feel like I never would have been able to download this update without her. I feel like I would have never destroyed this copy of the unbearable Light Years of Being. That has not been for her awful

suggestion. What? Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. We gotta go. Why? She was so helpful. Oh, Dar,

you look really relaxed. I am. Okay, guys, we should probably get out of here. Okay, guys, we should probably get out of here. Hands on and off. Greetings, Your Excellency.

It is I, Head Toady Bordoff, reporting from our cozy yet labyrinthine new imperial offices aboard our hulking planet Crusher Crusher as it creeps relentlessly through the new and glorious empire. Also, I wanted to follow up on your constructive criticism about the number of naps I've been taking. And to that end, I bear great news. I have subscribed to Care-of, a monthly subscription vitamin service, which can allow you to give yourself an extra boost whether you're looking for more energy, better sleep, to manage stress, or just feel your healthiest. And Kerov's fun, free online quiz takes only five minutes and gives you personal, scientifically backed vitamin supplement recommendations.

And then Kerov delivers daily vitamin packs. I took the quick and honestly fun quiz and learned that vitamin D and the herb rhodiola could benefit me. To help me gain all the energy I need and more to manage imperial construction projects, master our weirdly complicated new phone system, and deploy teams of clints. And on that note, we haven't heard any updates just yet from our strike teams in Hollywood, but I'm sure it's fine. And get this, anyone can get this amazing offer from Care-of. 50% off your first month of personalized vitamins.

Just go to TakeCareOf.com and enter ZYX50. TakeCareOf.com and enter ZYXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX successful. What? Reply who? Well, guys, that was probably not the best way to exit a library. Hounded by perverts. Probably not. We were chased by an army of people with very specific fetishes. And

Nermit, we really can't take you on missions if you're going to be tearing up public property. No, no, no, I won't do that. You promise you won't do that, Nermit? I promise I won't do that because I've made a decision.

What? I'm going to go to my home planet of Philem, and I'll be a missions operations manager. I'm going to be on the cliffs of Philem where I can nest, and, you know, I'll run a long extension cord to the missionator, and we'll— What is this expressly necessary for you to do? I mean, I don't know if this is really going to be worth your time, I guess is what I should say. I have a biological imperative. My species doesn't live that long, and I'm going to be a dad. Yeah, Nermit, how much longer do you have left at this point? I've already exceeded the average life expectancy of alert.

Oh, no, what? Wow, Nermit. And I thank you guys for it. You've given me purpose and now i i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna go to the we've honestly wasted a lot of your time i'm gonna go to the windy windy cliffs of the jungle planet philem on which i was born and i'm going to build a all right i finished the book and now i'm listening to all of you again. What are we talking about? It's a lot to catch up on, Dara. I'll do it. Fine, I'll do it. All right. What?

Oh, the tax code thing? I thought about it, and I crunched the numbers, and I'll do it. Oh, you approve of the mission against the Emperor? Yeah, we already finished the mission. Yeah, yeah, we kind of signed up for it. Yeah, yeah, Dara, the update is that I'm going to head back to my home planet and assign missions from there. Huh. You're going to be a stay-at-home mom? This is CRet IT5.

Credits and attributions droid. Commencing outro protocol. Papa Fleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bend. Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Ship was played by Mujan Zulfagari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Null. Who Bins the Librarian was played by special guest Catherine Mewdon. Catherine performs

and teaches at the UCB and can be seen playing Elaine in Improvised Seinfeld. Catherine has appeared on Broad City, The Colbert Report, Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,

The President Show, and some commercials you probably fast-forwarded through. Follow her on Twitter at It's Mudon. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent

with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Pound in Brooklyn, New York and Headcum Studios in Los Angeles. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Gois. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Thank you to our supporters on Maximum Fun for making the show possible. Join them on MaximumFun.org slash donate. Hey, everybody. This is Jake Heath Van Straten, host of Go Fact Yourself, a live game show here on the Maximum Fun Network. Make sure to listen to our next episode of Go Fact Yourself with guest Kurt Braunouler. I did a show in Flagstaff, Arizona where the venue just didn't list that

the show existed. Amazing. And it is the smallest crowd that I've ever done a full hour of stand up for. It was three people. Oh my god. And Sarah Schaefer. Yes, I love crafting. It's my hobby. I have a craft nook in my home. And Sarah Schaefer. Yes, I love crafting. It's my hobby.

I have a craft nook in my home. You do? I do. It has all my supplies displayed in an adorable manner. Wow. Yes. Yes, applause. Applause for a nook. That's Go Fact Yourself here at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts.

wherever you get podcasts. There's nothing quite like sailing in the calm international waters on my ship, the SS Biopic. Avast! It's actually pronounced Biopic. No, you dingus! It's Biopic! Who the hell says that?

It's Biopic. It's the words words biography and picture if you all right that is enough ahoy i'm dave holmes i'm the host of the newly rebooted podcast formerly known as international waters designed to resolve petty but persistent arguments like this how by pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against each other with trivia and improv games, of course. Winner takes home the right to be right. What podcast be this? It's called Troubled Waters, where we disagree to disagree. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Hey guys, good news. You know how the rats ate my pants? I was able to get some pants from outside the perverts pizza party.

Congratulations. Thanks guys. That was, by the way, that was the blackout. That was the blackout. Yeah, was it? Okay, cool. Yep, I can always copy in laughter. That's the outtake.

Yeah. That's so funny. That was the outtake. I love the idea of Seth going in and adding us cracking up after one of his shitty jokes. You think I haven't done that? Oh, man, maybe you have. I was like, I didn't remember it being that funny in the room, but we've had it killed.

Maybe he has.