Mission To Zyxx - 304: Unaccompanied Miner [ft. Zach Broussard]

Episode Date: April 10, 2019

The crew heads to Dubtor to disrupt a critical mining operation. Bargie runs a side hustle. Nermut watches birds. AJ explains the button. Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy and Miner Poet Philleus Delth Winston Noel as AJ Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie With special guest Zach Broussard as Josiah T. Turkelton Edited by Jeremy Bent Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist, and also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zemanite Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2-6! Pacey 53?

Yes? What was going on last night? I felt like Bargy was stopping and starting and stopping and starting. Well, Bargy has become connected with a ride-sharing service. What are you talking about? I'm a zip driver now. She picks up people around the galaxy and then takes them where they want to. Like me!

Oh, no. Hi. Who are you? This is Daryl. I'm Daryl Farcaster. Yeah, Daryl and I have just been catching up. I apparently wanted to see every photo of

every one of his kids. We've arrived at your destination. Well, that's me. Get out. Get out. Oh the freaking get out. Oh, Daryl. Oh, man. Margie, are you supposed to drop them from a weapon?

I don't know. All I know is I pick them up and I drop them off. There was no other description. Margie, you got to land on the planet. I think you got to bring them at least inside the atmosphere. Okay, that makes sense because my rating right now is half of an asteroid. Okay. Oh, wow, yeah.

Zero asteroids. Ouch. That's a shame. I listened to Daryl talk forever. I was so nice to him. Well, what are his comments? Good conversation. Did not enter orbit.

I guess that accounts for all the points, then. Nobody asked me to enter orbit. Why do I have to assume that's a thing? Bargy, you know that most sentients can't survive in the vacuum of space. No, I did not know that. Okay. You know, Bargy, I feel like we should probably be getting to some missions at some point, so do you think you could, like, turn off your, you know, your, uh...

Hey, Plek? Yeah? Hey, Plek deck setter? Yeah. Wow. Nailed it. Yeah. A plaque deck setter.

Yeah. Wow. Nailed it. Some of us have situations they're in that requires them to not only have five, but seven side hustles at the moment. Okay, we've all got side hustles, Bargy, but we just... Anyway, I'm picking up an ex-customer. All right, fine, fine. You know, C53, I forgot to ask, how are all the new protocols going? Oh, very well.

I've also got a whole host of new diagnostics I can run on the cube, which has been, well, revealing some interesting things. Really? Well, it turns out that mind wiping is not a permanent process. Really? Yeah. Well, it is if done correctly, but most people who were mind wiping my cube were doing it in a hurry and practically did a pretty poor job of it.

Sometimes I'm just, like, standing around and I feel like my mind got wiped, you know? Where you're just like thinking and you're like, wait, I haven't been thinking for a really long time. Yeah, I think you're just describing... No. No. Hold on, before we pick that up, C-53, please don't call me that. Papa Dexeter? Yes.

I thought that was the new nomenclature we all decided on. You didn't want to be called Master or Teacher, so I called you Papa. No, Plek is fine. And I got a vote, too, so I said yes. Papa it is. So there was a clear majority. Okay. Papa Dexeter.

You know, when I get a chance, I'm going to look through those ancient texts and just see what the actual nomenclature is. Shall I answer that transmission? Sure. Yes, fine. Hey, Nermit. How's Philem? Ah, it's just a breezy afternoon here. What was that?

That was a tornado. I don't know if you can see it. That's kind of like a four-legged bird. Okay, okay. Down, down. Nermin, are you sure this is what you want? It's what I need. It must be. Nermin, I will say you look significantly more clear-eyed

than the last time I saw you. Absolutely. I'm living my purpose here on the harsh, steep cliffs of Phalem. Nermin. Yes. That tornado that you just saw. Yes. Is that like a natural predator of the Lurd?

Is that? We can normally talk them down. Okay. Talk them down? Yeah. You reason with them? Yeah. Yeah.

I kept offering you a blaster before we dropped you off. No, it's not. You can't. It's sort of like not fair. Just be careful, okay? Just take care of yourself, right? Yeah. Hey, what are we talking about?

What are we talking about? Mom, Mom, we've got a relationship. Just to be clear, Nermin, if you don't talk them down, they... Oh, they'll devour me fast. Yeah, okay. All right. Just make it short. And they're just memorizing this nest location.

Okay. You don't have any eggs to brood over, so... No, not yet. Do you think that's maybe why they're sparing you? They're waiting for the eggs to show up? No, I think it's because I talked them down. One sec, guys. I'm just going to climb down and check my system of extension cords leading down the cliff.

The missionator is... Extension cords? Yeah, the power's down at the bottom near kind of the shore. I'm sorry, is Philem like not a civilized planet? What? Excuse me? I'm sorry, I just don't understand.

No, I'm... Also, someone from Rengis 6 should not be asking a question like that. Oh, wow, good point. I didn't mean subjectively civilized. I'm just saying like... Let me turn the camera. You can see over that hill is where the gated community where my parents live. I have this monitor I'm testing the range on for when I'm... Is that a baby monitor?

Well, I mean, it's... Well, next to me, it probably looks like an adult monitor, but it is a baby monitor. I've never heard of an adult monitor. I mean, that's just sort of a size thing. But, yeah, so if I'm going to not be in the nest, I can listen. But I left the other one in my parents' house, so that's why... Nermit, you would leave

the nest with a tornado around and just hope the baby monitor could do the trick? I haven't told Ophira my whole strategy, but no, I mean, I wouldn't, but I... Nermit? Nermit? Nermit, darling? Nermit, come into the community. Yes. Mom, Dad, stop it. You know I can't. Nermit, darling. Nermit, come into the community. Yes. Mom, Dad, stop it.

You know I can't. Nermit, I saw Tornado out there. You should come inside. I talked him down. Nermit, did you get the grad school applications that your father and I left for you? Yes, Mom. And have you filled any of them out, Nermit? I am a Master Missions Operations Manager.

That's a degree higher than anything anything could apply for as a keeper. Listen, buddy, I have three lines of argument for why you shouldn't meet me. Nermin, do we have a mission or what? Yes. All right. I'm going to just... I got these cords in. Again, Nermin, you do not have to be there.

You could be on the ship. Dar, that is so sweet, but Iit, you do not have to be there. You could be on the ship. Dar, that is so sweet, but I know what you mean, and I am here doing my duty. I think they mean what they mean, you know? Yeah, for once I'm going to agree with AJ. Nermit, you could be here on Bargy with us. All we're doing is picking up ride shares. Yeah, there's one right now. Picking them up.

Oh, hey, how's it going now. Picking him up. Oh. Hey, how's it going? That's good. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Are you bleeding? Yes. For pleasure? Or did something happen? Can it

be both? Honestly, yeah, it can be both. Don't actually go in there. Oh, that's my room. Oh, Daryl talks to me ad nauseum, and this guy, this is the guy I want to talk to, and I hear nothing. Dude, who's Daryl? Yo, what's the mission, bro?

Oh, okay. So, I've been looking through all the data folders in this missionator, and I found something amazing. It's going to help us in our plight against wackness. Let's do it. Our battle for freshness. E.J., where do you keep getting these cans

that you're crushing on your head? Yeah, I don't know. It's just a fridge. Sometimes if we go to a planet and I see a can, I'll be like, oh, I might need that later. To crush against your head? Yeah. Woo!

Okay. Wow. What is the mission? Okay. Wow. Guys, we are traveling Nerman? Okay. Wow. Guys, we are traveling to the planet Duptor. Duptor? Have you heard of Duptor?

Duptor. Righteous. Yes, Duptor. Let's do it. Let's go. Let's go now. You don't know what we're doing there. Yeah.

Okay. So, can you wait? Yeah. Like, you may be familiar with Duptor, because that's where Duptonium is, Mike. Yes. Good! Yes, Duptor is, of course, the source of Duptonium, which powers none other

than the planet Crusher Crusher. It's an extremely unstable element, but incredibly powerful. Yes. If we remove the means of production, huh? Nermin, are you suggesting we go to Duptor? huh? Nermin, are you suggesting we go to Deptor? Yeah. And what, shut down a mining operation?

Absolutely. You need to blow that sucker sky high. Hey, I propose an alternative. Sure. Perhaps we could convince this mining operation to work for us against the Emperor? Huh. Then we could have our own Deptornium supply. Could power an entire fleet worth of ships. Bargy, do you run on Deptonium? Listen, I know you asked the question, but I just wanted to say,

there's a surge charge there on prices, so I'm very interested in going. That means there's a lot of traffic in and out. You can get in under cover of freighters, and that means there's probably something cooking. They're probably pulling out a big shipment of Deptonium. Go get them, guys. Wait, what's the mission? I think I got mine wiped just there.

Guys, I'm going to convince the heck out of this Tornado. Bye! We've arrived at your destination. Okay, well, bye. See you later. Bye. I'll just jump from here. Man, totally fine oh i have so many questions they gave me a one The End Translator for Flan crime lord, Terek Kostebi. I am definitely translating his declarations accurately

and not slipping in stuff from my own side hustle, which is promoting high-quality products available at great value. What does Lord Terek have to say? This is verbatim. The most amazing shave I have ever had was with a Harry's razor. Never before have I experienced such a comfortable glide. Look at this incredibly close shave.

This ever so smooth skin, delivered with a razor that is a pleasure to hold. Harry's offers a simple, clean design with quality, durable blades at a fair price. And Harry's replacement cartridges are just $2 each. Plus, get this.

If you go to harrys.com slash mission, you will get a trial set worth $13. The set comes with everything you need for a close, comfortable shave, including a weighted ergonomic handle, a five-blade razor with lubricating strip and a trimmer blade, rich lathering shave gel, and a travel blade cover, a $13 value.

Redeem your trial set now at harrys.com slash mission. It is totally the will of your fearsome leader, Tarek Kostevi! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! All right, guys. Let's go over the plan one more time. We're going to infiltrate this mine. We are going to find a chain of command to someone who we can convince to join our cause, and we can maybe infiltrate, ultimately, the reactor on this planet and shut it down.

Locked and loaded. Let's go. No. No. It might take weeks or months to generate the amount of grassroots support to turn this planet against the Emperor. Yeah, this is the linchpin. This would be a huge coup. Got it.

Dar and I will have blasters firing, right, Dar? But AJ gave me a blaster. I gave them a blaster. How many blasters do you have, AJ? Brother, I've got blasters you can't even see. Wait, but actually, how many blasters do you have? Well, I have one that I'm holding, the one I get to dart, and then I put one in my anal cavity. Why did you do that?

Just in case. Where is the barrel aimed? It's aimed up, but the safety's on, so I feel pretty good about it. AJ, the blaster is up in your anal cavity. AJ, it's going to blast straight into your body. It's a lion's procedure. All clints stick up. It's a lion's procedure?

Yeah, we stick an extra small little tiny blaster up in our anal cavity. This must be classified. I never heard about this. Of course it's classified. It's incredibly classified. Your anal cavity. I don't want to talk about it. Do you want to know, though, how did you get it into your anal cavity?

Did you use lube? Did you just insert it? I used, yeah, Federated Alliance lube. Federated Alliance? Did you use lube? Did you just insert it? I used, yeah, federated line lube. Oh, there it is. Is it totally lube? Well, it's physically tailored to the genetic structure of a plant

to get it right up that anal cavity. Oh, so all of you are into this kind of thing? Well, into it, we're required to do it, and our anal cavities are a little bit bigger than a normal tellurian's.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How much bigger? Listen, we have a lot tellurian's. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How much bigger? Listen, we have a lot of work to do. This planet isn't going to overthrow itself, okay? Plek, I agree with you, and I know we should get to the task at hand. There isn't a lot of time, but I am going to want to come right back to this. Yes, we'll get right back to it, Dar. Okay.

Does anyone else think it's unusual that all these ships are leaving the spaceport while we're the only one arriving? Well, there's also that running towards us right now. Flailing. Bargy. Bargy, open the hatch. He's not. He didn't request me. I can't just. That's not how it works. That's not the protocol.

No, this isn't. Bargy, this isn't a rideshare thing. This is a mission. Just open the hatch. But, I mean, I see that I paid the unit. Bargy, I'll go there, Dad! This is... Yeah. Parchee, this isn't a rideshare thing. This is a mission. Just open the hatch. But, but, I mean, I see that I pay for you. Parchee, I'll pay you. Open the hatch. Fine. We've got to get out of here now.

This baby's going to blow. Okay, yeah, sure, fine. What's going on? Everything's going to blow. Are you not listening to me? Are you guys dense this whole place this entire planet is gonna go kaboom kaboom it's a it's a reference to an explosion that's the sound of an explosion no kaboom is very specific to this planet, it depends on the element. Sometimes it's a kaboom. Sometimes it's a kathoom.

Sometimes it's a kaboom. Sometimes it's a krakoom. Okay. Yeah, okay, fine. Sometimes it's a kaboom. This guy gets it. I like him. I like you.

You're gonna be on my team, bro. You're gonna be on my team. Can you guys get me out of here? All right, Bargy, let's go. Let's get back up to orbit. All right, again, I do not know where I'm taking them, therefore I do not know how much money I'm getting as a total

fan. You just gotta get me out of here as fast as possible before they find me. Did you work here in the mine? Yes, I worked in the mine. And I will never, ever go back there. Yeah. I have seen darkness. Sir, we are here to help.

I'm Zemanite Plekdexeter, and we're here to help you. What is your name? My name is Josiah T. Turkelton, and thank you for saving my life. Anytime. Anytime. It looks like it was rough conditions down there. I mean, you know it's a feudal planet, right? The types of mining that we do, it's very intense.

It's hard work, the hours. I'm talking 80-hour weeks. This is intense stuff. It's the labor. Yeah, it can be. Do you get unlimited vacation? Is that like a perk? Is that part of it?

I don't think so. There are no perks, man. When do we – I have a question. When do we get to the ship? This is the ship. You're on the ship. Oh! I guess I – I'm so sorry. I thought

when you guys were rescuing me that this was like, maybe like a shuttle situation to like a real ship. No, no, Bargy, Bargy, Bargy. Listen, he's been through a lot. You guys just saved me from a mining planet, okay? Just give me a second to catch my

breath and I apologize if I offended anyone about the status of this. Do you still call it a ship? You still call this a ship? Listen, just give me a second to catch my breath, and I apologize if I offended anyone about the status of this. Do you still call it a ship? You still call this a ship? Listen, just I have a seat. You've been through a lot. You look. Somebody can give me a water.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Here you go. I'll just. Actually, sparkling. Can I get a sparkling water? You want a sparkling water? It looks like all of our sparkling cans have been emptied and crushed.

Barty does have an entire drawer full of mints. I think this is for the... Is it for ride-sharing? Yes, for ride-sharing. Oh, and there is some bottled water here, I think also for the ride-sharing. Yes, bottled, please. Bottled, please. Okay, I guess I'll just pour this glass out.

Listen, Josiah, we... You know, between you and me, as someone who has escaped from this mine, I think it's safe for us to tell you we were actually coming to Dubtor to undermine the whole operation there. Trust me, the place was ruined already. You don't need to get your filthy little paws in there. That mine was going down fast. I washed my hands a couple minutes ago when Dar told me to. I think you guys could do some filing. It looks like I'm seeing some grub.

Yo, bro, watch what you say about Papa Deck Center. I'll take you out. Okay. I'll take you out right now. It looks like I found the alpha. That's right. I am the alpha of this group. I am the leader.

Who is the leader? Yeah, just so I know who I should focus on. I'm the leader. It is the leader? Yeah, just so I know who I should focus on. It's definitely not H8. We're all just, you know, we work together to liberate the galaxy from the clutches of the whack. That sounds like utter chaos. Okay. Who decides what you do? Well, he's like a little lizard guy.

Currently he's fighting with a bigger bird that might try to take his eggs. Okay, let's just focus who yells at all the other people. I do. Yeah, it's who makes sure that they're not, you know, you separate the children from their families so that they don't, you know, they don't grow up too cozy and they don't know each other. Oh, I'm sorry. Do I have a person that does that or if that's necessary?

You know, Josiah, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Why don't you tell us about what made you decide to leave this mine? I'm escaping. I don't really understand what I have to explain. Why am I being grilled here? No, I don't know. I just figured I would. You're saving who?

We are saving you. I just figured if you're going to save somebody, it's important to know what the story is. Yeah, and just to be clear, you're definitely not saving us. I will acknowledge that maybe that wasn't a good use of the phrase. The bottled water is good, and I want to just... I'm so sorry. I was running a lot. Josiah, we apologize.

We're getting really up in your business here. I mean, it's hard to just walk away from your entire life. I get that. Let me just tell you this, that things were not always so bad on Dub Tour. It used to be, you know, kind of an idyllic world. And, you know, it was only until about a week ago that things really started... I'm opening up my eyes.

No! Bargy! I was just getting into that story, too. That was going to really heat up. Yeah, sorry, Josiah. Bargy is a zip driver right now, so just to make a little extra cash, just continue your story. Why were conditions so bad on the mining planet? Oh, well, there was a rebellion.

And that's when things really went from good to bad. Sure, yeah. Mm-hmm. Was there a cruel overlord that they were attempting to overthrow? What? Just generally how a rebellion works. No, they were ungrateful. A benevolent leader betrayed by the mighty.

Yes, yes. I think that's how I would phrase it exactly. And so if you guys can just get me to the emperor. Hold on a second. As fast as possible. Wait, you want us to get you to the emperor? Yeah, I'm escaping. Guys, are you guys trying to help me escape or not?

Again, this would be so much easier if one of you was the leader. Okay, all right. Can we just maybe pick one for the day? Maybe, and I'm not a fan of elections, but I think it would be the quickest way to do this. You're not a fan of elections? I'm not a fan of your tone, bro. Okay. What is this?

Why are you grilling me? Josiah, I feel like I need. Who's saving who? I mean, again, it's definitely, there's no way that you're. We're all saving each other, right? Agent, in a way. Listen. I like this guy a lot. Josiah. I mean, again, it's definitely, there's no way that you're... Agent! In a way. Listen.

I like this guy a lot. Just, uh... Pushing those cans, bro, yes. I think you need to clarify something for us. Were you the one being overthrown on Dubtor? Yeah, why would you, that's why I was running so fast. We were... You opened the door, I thought you knew!

You were screaming so loud. You were dressed in... What part of you screaming and running towards us would communicate, I'm an evil overlord being overthrown by people that I've indentured? To me, it's the really nice outfit. I'm pretty much the only one on the planet that basically has really nice sandals. I thought that was kind of a given. But these are just sweatpants, and

what are you talking about? Why does your shirt have so many holes in it? That's cool. It is cool. Yeah, and then the people who work in the mines, they have full shirts, and that's why you know that they don't get the good shirts. What happens if they wreck their shirt? Yeah, well, they would get them a new shirt.

And honestly, that's when it gets really expensive, running a mine. Look, I work. I mean, I can't even tell you how much I have to work in this mine. How much do you have to work in the mine? So ideally, I do about 45 minutes in the morning. You said an 80-hour week. Well, yeah. I mean, I'm still checking in online in a mine

so have none of you guys ever run a mine before no no yes okay the tall one gets it uh so look just for the those of you don't know running a mine basically you uh you wait till your dad dies and then when your dad dies you are the one in charge of the mine. Oh, no. And then you get to yell at the lazy ones. And then you get to say good job to the ones that are not so lazy. And those are the good ones. And what you do is you want to promote the good ones. And then the lazy ones see that the good ones, oh, they're in a slightly bigger shack now.

That's where they live in these little shacks just outside of the mine. They're very nice, though. Very nice shacks. It's all about kind of setting them up against each other. Now, typically, that's pretty good for production. We run into a little danger when you get into the rebellion territory. And that is

what led me to you. Papa Dexter, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, just one second, Josiah. Papa, do you want me to blow this guy's head off? I mean, listen, I'm going to be honest with you, AJ. I do want that, but I think you shouldn't. I think that you shouldn't. Okay.

Because, you know, maybe he can lead us to the Emperor and give us some information. Are we talking about potentially killing this guy? We actually were. Yeah, we actually were. This is my first trip. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

I've never been in one. It's quite fancy and big. Yeah, you know, this is a very famous ship. So, five asteroids. Do I know everything about my life? I'm curious. I'm going to go ahead and jump feet first in this aside. Are we talking about killing Josiah?

Yes, we are talking about it. We're discussing it. Oh, thank God. I'm gonna go ahead and jump feet first in this aside. Are we talking about killing Josiah? Yes, we are talking about it. We're discussing it. Oh, thank Rod. I'm in favor. As long as we use the blaster stashed away in AJ's rectum. Okay, Dar, you need to give that a rest. That's for emergency use only. Plek, I need you to look me in the eyes, so I'm gonna pick you up real quick.

Ah! Ah! As you and I both know, sentient creature growing inside of me and myself we're not ingesting as much stimuli as we used to but if i could just out of curiosity see how a clint's rectum is specifically shaped to hold a blaster inside of it, that could really, you know, satiate my hunger for butthole imagery for the next three

days. Sure, sure. Dar, I'm just gonna say this. I don't think this is what asides are supposed to be for. Fine, this is not what asides are for. Ow. Ow. If they're not to talk about buttholes, I don't know what asides are for. Okay, all right. I'm just looking for those mints. Where are those mints at you mentioned?

I hate all of them. I like her. You're fun. You're the type of person I would put in charge of sentient resources down to the mine because sometimes people get really worked up after I really worked them up. All right, Josiah, I want you to get down to the ground. I'm pulling a blaster on you to get down to the ground. AJ, AJ, what is he...

Power moves, man! Okay, I like this guy. I thought we all hate this guy, right? No, I mean, yes, we do. Yes, he's not fresh. No, he's definitely not fresh. But, AJ, you just gotta... Josiah, you're on our ship now, okay?

Yeah. And you may have run a pretty messed up... Successful mine. Pretty jacked up mine, but you're going to take us back there, and you're going to tell us how to shut the whole thing down. Or my friend AJ is going to put a couple laser holes in your shirt, more holes than it already has in it, and also your body. Yeah.

Very intimidating. Very well done. I did. And also your body. Yeah. Very intimidating. Very well done. And we're in the second draft. I'd like to just kind of just reiterate for you guys that the whole thing is over, okay? The mine is essentially shut down. What do you mean essentially? The rebellion is basically a few months in,

and then there's a new quote-unquote government. And then they're trying to—I mean, they're basically doing this thing where they're trying to force me to do something against my will that I don't want to do. And what is that? They want me to pay 10% of my profits for the mine to go to something for health. What is it? Health care? Yeah, that's it. Yeah. You sound just like one of those government nerds.

Josiah, how much do you pay your workers in the mine? They're not workers, first of all. These are independent contractors, and that is very clear. That's actually not a difference. I'm pretty sure independent contractors are workers, yeah. I wish my dad was still here. He would know. How much do you pay them?

It's not a pay thing. You know, we're like a family. That's how I see it. Is that how they see it? They basically get a couple of croons a week, you know? A couple of croons a week for 80 hours at a mine? Did you not hear me mention that they live in some pretty nice shacks? Who is this guy?

Who's saving who? Listen, Josiah, if the shacks are so nice, let me ask, do you live in a shack? Yeah, you can say I live in a shack. Do you live in a mansion, apartment, shack, or house? I live in, I have one of each. Okay. Josiah. I'm a man of the people, you know. I hang out in the shack every now and then.

I walk around. I say hi to the folks. They know me. You don't shake in the shack. You are a liar. Oh, how dare you? How dare I? I have run a mine.

I know exactly what this takes. Open the... You know what? I want out. Open the hatch. No, do not open the hatch, Margie. Do not open the hatch. Oh, no. And I think we all liked her, and that's a bummer.

Josiah, why would these miners work for you in the first place? I give them free housing. It's like an internship of sorts. They get to come to the mine. They work for 80 or so years until they can't work anymore or until they get spotted by another mine. And I'm very cool about them going and working at other mines. By that point, I have their offspring to work in the mine. It's actually pretty cool. I'm a good guy.

Look, I know what you guys want. You guys want to be part of a mission. There's a void of leadership. I'll step into that role, and I will be good guy. Look, I know what you guys want. You guys want to be part of a mission. There's a void of leadership. I'll step into that role, and I will be your leader. Take me to the emperor. Uh, listen. Fleck, quick aside. Yes.

Oh! Is this a butthole thing, Dar? No. It was when he said he puts the offspring into the mines, and then the thought of young, sentient creatures working in mines really filled me with rage. You're crying, and it's boiling. This is weird. I think it's like a hormonal thing, just imagining young, sentient beings working in mines for this shocking piece of trash.

I'm with you. I'm with you. And now I don't care about buttholes. I just care about hurting him. Okay. Dude, I can't talk everyone out of killing this guy. I'm mad, too. I just got out my butt gun.

And I missed it? Yeah, I just passed it. AJ, how could you do this to me? Oh, I love this gun. Where's this gun been? And you handed it to him? Just let him take it straight out of your hand. Well, he wanted to say he said he wanted to look at it, and I this gun. Where's this gun been? And you handed it to him? You just let him take it straight out of your hand. Well, he wanted to say, he said he wanted to look at it, and I handed it.

Okay, let's all calm down. Let's all put down our butt guns. He hasn't downloaded the app. I'm just flying around. Who even knows how much money I could be getting. What is this? I like you. Bargy, dude, you're cool.

Oh, also, I have a pickup. Bargy, I don't know if it's a great time to pick up. It's a bad time. Bargy, dude, you're cool. Oh, also, I have a pickup. Bargy, I don't know if it's a great time to pick up a bag. It's a bad time, Bargy. Thank you for picking me up. Okay, hi. The belly ship's leaving. Miss, no more mints. You.

Oh, hey. You. Turkelton. Oh, boy. Scum. Slime. I'm sorry, have we met? Clop.

I mean, you've clearly met. He knows exactly what you are. I don't know who this guy is at all. He's describing you to a T. That internship was garbage. This guy's like 75 years old. I've been an intern for 49 years. That's too long.

That's a long-term contract. I'm going to sign this page to give me academic credit. Unpaid internship, sir. Yeah, not good. You guys aren't counting the exposure. That's a payment. It's a form of payment. It's kind of an open source.

You're just like a suppressive personality. I'm trying to think. You're just like a negative. I'm getting a lot of negative vibes from you. Yeah, that's probably the most negative part that I'm getting. Oh, quick, quick. You download the app and you. Yeah.

Bargy. What? I have my own stuff, okay? It's like a Bargy story. It's kind of like a B story, right? Yeah, I got my own B story I have to figure out. Maybe it could be a C story as well. I don't think so.

What about an AJ story? I don't know if you guys know this, but Josiah Turkelton is the scum of the crud. Yeah, we've been... Of the crap of the bottom of the boot of the ass of the world. Wow. Wow. That's pretty good.

You're a poet, and I am loving this takedown. You know my poetry. What is your name? Phileas Douth. Phileas Douth? Douth. Douth? Douth.

Douth? Yes. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You had time to write poetry? This does not sound like a bad job. I did it in my hour off. Oh, you did get an hour off. That changes your mind about this guy?

No, I'm being sarcastic. I know it's very hard to tell because that's constantly my tone. Now, here, I'm the guy with a gun that smells like a butthole. Can we go to the emperor, please? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You smelled the blaster? Where'd you guys find this gun? It's got a funky little zest to it.

That's right. It's because it's from my anal cavity. And also, I can control it with this panel on my sleeve. Oh, no. You shouldn't have just told me to fire. This blaster hole smells like ass. You've got to wait until he's pointing it at a place.

Sorry, I didn't mean to. Oh, no. My final poem. Filius. No. Tender is the darkness of the tunnel of the death time that is now. It wasn't as good as the previous one. Second stanza.

Oh, no. Five asteroids for Barchi. I'm going to say this. You guys are monsters. The way you just made the gun I was holding kill that guy? He could be working in a mine right now. You're not better than us, is what I'll say. I have two questions, okay? My first one is, if you guys are better than me, then why does Barge have to get a second job?

Huh? Huh? Listen. Two? Who is saving who? I wish I'm working five. Five? I'm a zip driver.

I, uh, I sell. That's two. Yes, I guess that's, but I'm not being paid, so that. Yes, that's two of me. Yes, I guess that's, but I'm not being paid, so that's not, it's pro bono. Are you selling the footage of us sleeping again? We're selling that footage. I made jewelry, and I sell that jewelry on a Betsy site. That's three.

What a disgusting way of life you guys have set up for Bargy here. Just sign here. Bargy, what if I told you that you could have just one job? No, Bargy, do not listen to him. You could focus all of your talents. You have so many talents. Thank you. Oh, wow. Thank you. What a ship.

You could focus all of your talents on one thing. I mean, I did do that and it bit me on the back of my hull. Yeah. So it really depends what the job is. It's gonna be working in a mine. It's working in a mine. You said I get exposure, right? Yes. No, so much exposure.

Do not listen to it. Josiah, do you even know what your mine does? Yeah, it makes money. It makes croon, dude. it also produces dubtornium which powers the planet crusher crusher yeah and the planet crushers destroyed the lives of billions of people i don't really see the connection what they do with it when they get it that's up to them here's how i see it is that i am i'm really a middleman i just uh i see a thing in inside of the mountains of dub tour obviously i get it out and then i basically i find these

people who want the thing from the mountain and then i give it to them for a lot of croon oh so much it's really it's quite cool what i do i'll say this right now. AJ hate late-stage capitalism. Thank you, AJ. AJ, I thought you looked so cool crushing those cans, too, bro. I'm taking my buttgum back. Ow! You got it! Really? Yeah, that explains why you called it

a buttgum. And the smell. You know, every Clint has that big red button on their arm, and I've always wondered what it does. It recalls your butt cut. Oh, this is weird. We're going back to Dub Tour. I have a pickup. VIP.

Wait, what? Oh, you got a VIP zip? I got a VIP zip. We're going back to Dub Tour? You know, Josiah, I kind of feel like we can't. I think we've really reached the end of the road with you. I think it's time for you to go home. You can't take me back there.

They're going to shred me to pieces. Are they literally going to shred you to pieces? No, they're going to shred the 10% of my profit to pieces. Everything my father worked for and then I just lucked into 10 years ago is going to go away. All of it. And I'm not even finished. When you say all of it, you mean 10% of it. Well, 100% is all of it, and it'll no longer be 100%.

That's everything. 10% is a very, very light tax rate. This is why you guys are so bad at business. You guys don't understand. This is like, I am a job creator for all of these people, and they show no respect. Okay?

Because I want to give them 10%, and then the next thing they're going to want is water during their work periods. Or they're going to want to be able to bring snacks. It's a slippery slope. And they're also going to want me to fix that slippery slope. I don't want to do that. Does that 30% is considered standard in most parts of the galaxy. Oh, jeez. How do you even feed a family on 70%? The top tier of earners usually

are at 70%. I mean, those are utopias you're describing now. Be no rest in peace. We used to take 70%. I want to tell you that this has been truly the worst ship experience I've ever had. You didn't even pay for it.

I'm happy you're not on the app then, so... Well, I'm sure the government will just pay for it once I start shipping in my 10%. I've got families not to feed. Well, I'm opening up my hatch. What? We have arrived. No, no, no!

I'm holding on. I'm still holding on. Nope, I'm picking you up and tossing you out. She is very strong! There it is. Oh, it is the new Ritus. Wow, what a ship. I'm with the store miners.

I am also a normal miner. Get out of here! No! No! The house is falling farther this time! minor Lower and his voice quieter and higher. His voice is just lowering. He's still hanging on. Can we just, like, tip him over? My hands are so slippery from that butt gun. Oh, no!

Okay, he's actually falling. Let's tap. Oh, come on. Golden parachute. Yeah. Makes sense. This rich guy's always a boy. Makes sense Listen, Nermit, we weren't able to infiltrate the mine, but we did actually meet the guy who runs it,

and we found out a lot about how it works. We got a lot of information. It's a real mess. This is amazing. We now have information on how to infiltrate and take down the only source of Depthornium, which is the only thing that can power the planet Crusher Crusher. All right, one dubstep at a time, you hermit.

Thank you, Dar. That's very true. Right, right, right. So all we need to do is just, you know, I'd say let's give it a couple days. We come back, we try to find another way into the mine. Dick Sutter, I'm getting an unusual amount of activity in the airspace surrounding Ducktower. What do you mean? Look at this. There are thousands of escape pods leaving the planet.

Whoa. I mean, this could be the entire population. I could count them if need be, but I don't feel like I have the ability to do that. AJ, could you? I could. Oh, that's right. That is right. Oh.

Wow. I wish I had been looking is very good. Wow. I wish I hadn't been looking to react to that. Wow. Wait, Dart, why are you clapping? That guy. Wow. What? I didn't think you'd do it, but he was actually a lot smarter than I took him for.

What do you mean? He went the insurance route. Oh. Yeah. That's a classic mind scam. And if I were him, which I almost am, I guess, I'd be calling you right now

to rub it in your face. Papa Dexator, I have an incoming transmission from Josiah T. Turkelton. Ugh. All right. What's up? Josiah. What's up? Josiah.

What's up? Did you blow up your own five-point bill? First of all, you've got to respond with a what's up. What's up? No, AJ, stop. Josiah, did you blow up your mind to get the insurance money? No. You see the way I raise my voice though now?

Because it's yes. Yeah, my hands were tied. Well, you know, Josiah, I really hate to say this, but thank you for blowing up that mine. What? You destroyed the only source of Deptonium. The powers of the planet crusher crusher. Now the thing is a limp biscuit. Good luck getting the planet crusher crusher rolling now.

Oh, boy. Rolling, rolling now. Oh, boy. Rolling, rolling now. Well, I'm off. You know, I'm in what you might call a real ship. I have a lot of brothers, and they've got their own planets, and they've got their own minds, and I'll find work. It'll be fine. We'll figure it out.

But I just want to thank you guys for the hospitality. I had a great time meeting some of you. Barsh, if you ever need a gig, you know, a real gig. Listen, as you people send me the numbers, just me though, to my people because I have my own. Barchy, you don't want to work in a mine. If the money is right, I will do. Oh, the not an interesting. Sorry.

Okay, yeah, I just thought I was pretty clear about that over the past, you know, how long we've been here. But there's no money in this. Oh, yeah, not... For you guys. Don't even bring it up. Okay. Oh, all right, but exposure! Josiah, listen, I hope that wherever you're headed, your ship crashes, or that your brothers cast you out into space.

I really appreciate that, man. No problem. No. you out into space. I really appreciate that, man. No problem. Sometimes you complete a mission and it doesn't really go the way you want, but you got it done, you know? Yeah, I know what you mean. Wow, it's been

so great just like sitting here and like listening and seeing how you guys work. Who is that? Oh, yeah, sorry. This is one of Bargy's fares. My name is Mick Licklitter. And I'm Bar. And I am C-54. I'm DJ.

I'm going to crush this water bottle. That's annoying. Am I right? Oh, jeez. This is weird. Yeah, I don't like this. Are you like this at all? I'm kind of into it. See you next time. Thank you. Brooklyn, New York, and Maximum Fun in Los Angeles. Music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship

design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goiz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. And don't forget, Mission to Zix will be eating barbecue and performing live in Nashville, Tennessee at the PodX Podcast Convention on the weekend of June 1st. We'll be improvising a brand new episode, appearing on panels, and hanging out with you. Get your tickets at missiontozix.space and check out the full weekend lineup at podx.com. Hello, this is Amy Mann. And I'm Ted Leo. And we have a podcast called The Art of Process.

We've been lucky enough over the past year to talk to some of our friends and acquaintances from across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work. And so I have to write material that makes sense and makes people laugh. I also have to think about what I'm saying to people. If I kick your ass, I'll make you famous. The fight to get LGBTQ representation in the show. We weirdly don't know as many musicians as you would expect. I really just became a political speechwriter by accident. Realizing that I have accidentally pulled my pants down.

Listen and subscribe at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's like if the guinea pig was complicit in helping the scientist. Hi, it's me, Paula Poundstone. And it's me, Adam Felber. We have a podcast called Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. It's a comedy podcast where we bring on experts to teach us stuff we need to know. And by the way, the guy who came to tell us what to do when you encounter a bear never showed up. Anyway, it's fun.

You are guaranteed laughs in every episode. You can't really guarantee laughs. What if somebody doesn't laugh? We'll get sued. Join us for our next episode when we have an expert in consumer law explain to us how to defend ourselves against one humorless litigious shut-in with enough time on their hands to sue us over our unfulfilled claim of guaranteed laughs in every episode here at MaximumFun.org. The Cat of the Week is Mabel from Green Bank, West Virginia. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Audience supported. Okay, this time it's me! He's just lowering his voice quieter and higher. Yeah, his voice is just lowering. He's still hanging on. Because I'm going to just like chip him over. My hatch doesn't do it.

All right, let's make a deal, you freaks. You give me one mint, and I'll leave this shit with a little dignity and a little respect. Something that you guys never showed me, huh? Counterproposal, I fart in your mouth. Sorry, he's in your mouth. Who's this guy? Sorry, he's just a writer. Oh.

He was here all along. This guy knows about tough negotiations.