Mission To Zyxx - 307: The Magnificent Kevin [ft. Lou Gonzalez]

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

The crew receives a suspiciously eager invitation to the factory planet Nal-Kaa. Bargie enters her blue period. Dar plays it safe. AJ locks and loads and locks. Jeremy Bent as C-53 and Ted Ronka Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as AJ Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and Forewoman Klahriss-Uh With special guest Lou Gonzalez as Kevin Edited by Jeremy Bent Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast Mission to Zyxx will be performing live in Nashville at PodX on June 1st. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network You can JOIN and help us make the show!

It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist, and also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zemanite Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Six. Hey, Bargy?

Yeah? Whoa, are you okay? This doesn't sound good. Bargy, I was going to ask, are your lights all functioning properly? Like, all the lights are blue. We've got a code blue. Okay, all right. AJ, I'm not sure if that's what that means.

We've got a code blue. No, okay. No, put your gun... No, AJ, what does code blue mean? So, like. No, okay. Put your gun. Check it out. No, AJ, what does code blue mean? So like a code red is like go for it. Uh-huh. And as I'm saying it, I realize I've never actually seen a code blue, but I feel like

if it's, it's probably like a code red. It's a color. It's like a code red. They just do a code red. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But we've never had a code.

But listen, I'm just trying, I mean, just stand down, I guess. All right, we're standing down, everyone. Okay, that's... Code blue's over. I don't know who you're talking to. Bargy, what is going on? He ain't wrong. Bargy's going through some code blue right now.

Code blue! No, AJ. It's code blue. Let's do this! No, AJ, stop. It's fucking wrong! You gotta wait to find out what is a code blue, right? Alright.

Bargy, can you explain a code blue to us? Yeah, it's when things in the past that have gone wrong finally get inside of me and I realize what happened. And I'm like, oh, I should be sad. Oh, so your blue period is a reflective period. I should be sad. Oh, so your blue period is the reflective period. I've realized all the people I've wronged in my life. All the cheats I've done.

And also, on top of the cherry, something I haven't dealt with, I've just been keeping it buried inside, is I really miss... I really miss Beano. Aww. It's like we forgot about Beano. It's like we stopped talking about Beano. But that was a person that was inside of me for a while and when it goes you know it's gone but it's there's still a memory we gotta cherish you can't just forget about it so barchi everything you are saying right now is resonating with me it's just like yeah filling up inside of me it's just like

bouncing around it really makes a lot of sense it's resonating with me too It's just like filling up inside of me. It's just like bouncing around. It really makes a lot of sense. It's resonating with me too. Let's lock and load, guys. Let's get going. AJ, what are you locking and loading? Can I just ask? Sorry, AJ. I'm sorry to pull over here,

but if you rack your rifle twice, what happens? It's not on anymore. Oh, so it turns off and on every time? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's why you got to do it again to get it ready. To be honest, I've forgotten if it's off or on right now.

You should know. No, I think it's pretty good. So during my blue period, I like to reminisce and look back at old clips that used to bring me joy. Here's a song that I recorded of me and Beano singing while you guys were on somewhat of a dizzy do. I honestly do not know. Bargy, you recorded a song with Bino? Yeah, it's a pretty classy song. It's not good or it's great.

I do not know. He's a range. Let's put on the clip. All right, excited to hear it. Bino, I love being in the stars with Bargy. And the stars were burning But you love being in the stars with me, no And when we're walking in the stars And we are flying so high

And as we fly And we're in the stars And the stars are moving Bino, Bino, Bino, Bino Bino, Bino, Bino, Bino Wow. Sort of part good and part bad. Bino had actually a pretty nice voice.

Listen, Bargy, we all miss Beano. I mean, I loved Beano as much as anybody. Who's Beano? Well, AJ, Beano was a special being who, I mean, honestly, we owe Beano our lives. Am I saying, is it Beano or is it Beano? Beano. It's Beano. You said it was a Beano.

Listen, AJ, we know b-no, you know no b-no, okay? You know no b-no. But also I feel a lot of guilt because I have more emotion. I feel more, I miss b-no more than I miss my own son. Is that

bad? Bargy, I think you have some stuff to work through. Am I a bad ship? I'm a bad ship. No, actually, you're a great ship. I get why you're feeling blue. I mean, I've been feeling all down myself. You know, the Emperor knows our location

and has sent, I mean, dozens, maybe, of assassins after us. It's okay to be sad. I feel worse now. You made me really... Now I think we're all a little bummed out. Yeah, I was amped, but now I'm pretty bummed, too. I'm Papa Dexler. I have an incoming transmission from

Master Missions Operations Manager, Nermit. Hey. Nermit. Nermit, what are you... What are you doing? My system of extensions cords came unhooked, so I had to climb down to the bottom and back up.

And actually, no one's ever scaled this cliff base without ropes. Nermin, why did you choose to call us? Well, I have a mission now. You could have just waited until you got back up to the nest to call us. Before you went down. Guys, I have this. Nermit, you are exemplifying great strength right now. We are all incredibly impressed with your ability to drive.

I see what this is. That makes sense. This is sort of a show. Quick aside for all of you while he scales that mountain. I'm going to continue to entertain this fantasy of his, but you all have to kind of help me out here a little bit. Yeah, you can be a part of that. Nermin, I'll say what we're all thinking.

You are a capable provider. Thanks, guys. Thank you, Clay. I thought you were going to say, why don't you get a solar panel for the top of that? Sure, sure. Well, I mean, I will say we were all thinking those things, too. Capable provider, maybe get a solar panel. Got it.

Okay, so, guys, I'm just going to hang out on this outcropping here for a second. Okay, let me get this paper out i wrote down the mission from earlier you know not worse not better so still bad i had never gotten a really close look at their teeth before one of them yawned near me and wow anyway guys all right i was scrolling through the missionator databases and i found an amazing civilization for us to visit, okay? Okay. All right. This planet is named Nalka.

Nalka, okay. Does that ring a bell? It does to me. Maybe, AJ, do you know the Nalka K-Fighters? Yeah, the K-Fighters were one of the most efficient fighters in the entire galaxy. We had to quash them. I lost a lot of good clones. Or on the flip side, the Nalka

was extremely efficient at destroying Clintz. Take that bug! AJ, if you shoot the hollow, it doesn't shoot. Lock him low! Oh, wait, nope. It was off. It's off now. Oh, I dropped my extension cord.

Oh, boy. So, Nalka K-Fighter is the most efficient fighter ship in the whole galaxy. It was used to great effect by the Rebellion. The K-Ship was the ship that blew up the original Planet Crusher. Absolutely. Yeah, the K-Fighter, extremely well done for its distinctive K-Ship. Yes, because there's that wing that goes vertically from the top and bottom, and then the two angled on the right, and no wings on the left.

We all know what a K looks like. We all can read. So, uh... Yes, we all can read. Guys, quick aside, I also think we should continue to be a little supportive of AJ's fantasy here. You're right. If we're indulging fantasies, let's indulge them all. And get this, the reason

they can be mass produced so well is they're not sentient and so they can be controlled by humans. Wow, that was rude. No, but you know what what i mean one of the best things is that they're not real alive soon you just be mass producing a bunch of non-sentient spaceships it'll be odd if they had a voice and the thoughts of their own or do you have to think of this from a practical perspective it's much easier to get untalented tellurian labor to pilot a ship than it is to create an AI core to become both the pilot and the

personality of the ship. All you need is a pilot and an astrogation droid. Guys, and I have it on good authority that the residents of Nalka will be receptive to our message. I actually messaged with them. This is a case where they know you're coming. Isn't that crazy? And they're going to be happy to see us? You messaged with them?

Yes. Well, actually, yeah, that is kind of crazy. At least rare. You know, Nermit, are they aware we don't have any money to buy a fleet of ships? I said that to them. And they were like, let's do business. Okay. They liked the vibe of the communication. They want to get in on our movement against the Emperor. Okay. They just, they liked the vibe of the communication. They want to get in on our movement against the Emperor. Okay.

And so they said you are and I quote most incredibly welcome. What is it? Most incredibly welcome? That seems over eager. That's way too many intensifiers. Yeah. It seems like they're really into us.

Yeah, that makes me nervous, honestly. Guys, I'm going to send you the coordinates, by which I mean I'm going to hold this piece of paper up close to the camera that I've written it on. You can pull those coordinates, okay? All right, climb it back down to get the extension going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get back. Get back.

Merman, I feel like every time you call, you got more going on. Listen, life's crazy, right? Yeah, I just feel like, you know, if you came back... Oh, wow. I fell a little bit, but I caught myself. All right, we'll see you later, Nermit. Bye-bye. You know, guys, I mean, I gotta say, you know,

if we're gonna try to take down a planet crusher crusher, we're gonna need some fighter ships. Sounds like this is real cold blue. Let's do this. Let's lock it up, Berger. There's so many locks on that blaster. I don't know if we're ever going to unlock it. It's pretty locked up.

It's pretty locked up right now. One new message. No encryption detected. Hey there, Your Excellency. Ted Ronca here. Ronca Cybernetics Corporation Limited. I just wanted to let you know that these Enforcer droids are just flying off the assembly line, and they'll be on their way to you via a Ronca-brand autonomous freighter in the next 24 hours. Good golly, I've never seen so many reticulating laser cannons in all my life. And as you know, I invented the Roshdarn things. When I started Bronco Cybernetics Corporation 42 years ago with a plasma wrench, a couple of circuit boards, and a parade of the good rod above, I had one mission. To be the best Roshdarn sexpot and

shoot-em-up droid supplier I could be. I never dreamed that I'd be stamping my signature on G-series enforcer droids for the leader of the freak galaxy for Pete's sake. What an honor. And I just want to say I'm not much for politics. Long as regular folks have their everyday freedoms, you're alright by me. A cube in every humidifier and a sex bot under every sofa bed, that's the galactic dream. And as far as I'm concerned, you're making this crazy cluster of stars a better place. Pardon my jantawa, but check the Federated Alliance is all I have to say. Whoever you're planning on shooting a few laser holes in is probably asking for it.

And it goes without saying, every one of those killbots comes with the Ronca guarantee. You feed them a few pancakes, and they will not rest until they've hunted down every last one of your enemies, blasted their guts against the wall, and pissed oil all over their sorry rash dang corpses. That's the rock of promise. Anyway, so thanks again for your business and for this obscenely large and deadly order. You take care now, and my regards to your beautiful family. Message deleted. Wow, this factory is enormous. I mean, I guess if you're going to build thousands of fighters, you've got to have a pretty big facility, huh?

No, I'm kidding. They're just working everywhere all around us. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, this is a live factory floor. I didn't know that the hangar bay was going to be right next to the action, you know? Yeah, you know, maybe just in the interest of protecting, you know, two for the price of one, I'm just going to grab one of these and... Oh, wow. Are you going to be able to move around under that hard time?

Well, if I just push at the front of it. See, look. I'm shuffling along. If I run into anything, just holler. Okay. That's antithetical to the whole protecting myself. Yell before I run into anything. Okay.

I will keep an eye out. Speaking of playing it safe, we probably want to be on our best diplomatic behavior. AJ? Oh, to begin negotiations with the Dawkins. All right, let's do it. Okay. Diplomacy.

You there. You there. Oh, good, you're here. Oh, thank God you are here. Oh, yes. Wow. We are happy to be here. Let me kiss your feet. I'm kissing all of you.

That's not necessary. We crossed the line of kissing. We crossed kissing all of you. That's not necessary. We've crossed the line of kissing. We've crossed the line of kissing. They're here! Everyone, they're here! Thank you. Thank you. I'm Zemanite Plex Dexeter. We know!

Let me massage your arm. Okay, I don't need to do that. Okay. Get real deep in there. It feels good. Hey, listen. This isn't necessary. We're actually here to enlist your help. Well, come on.

Don't look a gift slur in the mouth. Oh, look at you down there. Yes, you have. It's so nice of you to say that you're enlisting our help, where in fact you'll be helping us so much. Isn't that right? Oh, wow. Yes, you mean it. It's so much. Isn't that right? Oh, wow. Yes, you may know this so much.

Okay. All right. Well, of course, I'm sure you've heard about our amazing available fleet of K-Fighters. Do you have a fleet of K-Fighters? Absolutely. Jeff and I'll open up the garage door. And there you see them. Look into that garage.

What? How many fighters is that? Oh, I'd say a thousand and two. A thousand and two? Yes. Now there's only this many of you. I thought there was more, but it's fine. Honestly, whatever. We'll take whatever.

Wonderful. Wonderful. Now take your time, okay? Take your time. Take all the time you need. As long as you get the job done, we will be happy. Yeah, I just got to stop you right there. When you say the job, what job are you referring to?

All of these fighters are yours immediately right now after you do the thing. The job we talked about with Nermit. Oh, okay. Let's pretend that we didn't get a download on that. Yeah, Nermit was sort of busy when he called, so he didn't really fill us in on all of the details. We need to talk about Kevin. That's the job, Kevin.

I'm sorry. Kevin? Kevin. Is it just a person on your plane? Yes. Wow, I guess you could say it's a person. Kevin is a giant blob monster who is just gobbling up Nalkons. Right.

I mean, just open up the window. There it is. There he is. Oh, my God. That's Kevin. How far away is that? Farther than you'd think. I'm guessing about three miles.

Nope, longer. So we need you to, long story short, destroy Kevin. Squish that big lad story short, destroy Kevin. Get rid of Kevin. Squish that big lad. Squish that Kevin, and then... Let's do this! All right. Listen, um... Take one more

gander at these ships. I'm sorry, are you the foreman of the factory? What's your position here? We're women. We're the forewomen of the factory? What's your position here? Four women. We're the four women of the factory. How dare you? Oh, you're the four women, but there's only three of you.

F-O-R-E. But also we used to be four. And then Kevin ate... Yes. Ate Clarissa. So you were the four four women. It's been hard for us, too, because usually Clarissa explains it all. And now we have to.

Well, we're happy to do a favor for 4-4-Women. Hey, can I do an aside with you guys real quick? Uh, sure, AJ. I've been psyched to kill something for the entire time we've been working, and we haven't really done it, so let's do this. Well, I will say this, AJ.

This is a planet that their whole job is to make fighters, and if they can't kill Kevin, I don't think your Laster rifle is going to be... Okay, all right, listen. Oh, no, Kevin's knocking on our window. Oh, boy. Oh. This sounds so good.

Kevin. Hey. Uh. Hey. Hey, Kevin. Hey, you guys got any milk? Milk? Do you guys got any milk? Milk? Do you guys got any milk?

No. All right, I'm just trying to make an omelet. I just need something to fluff it up, like milk or cream. I don't know if it's my current size, but this blob is massive. Yes, it's very, very large. Rude much? Listen, I've been there. I get it.

I do. I mean, I guess I'm big. But for blobs, though, you know, I'm normal. See? You must destroy Kevin. Kevin is ruining this planet. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Either you have cream or milk or you don't. Oh, your voice. Everyone here is so rude to me. Kevin. So rude. Kevin, listen, Kevin, can we actually, we're going to come outside of this hangar bay. Let's just talk face to face or face to blob, you know?

Is that okay? All right. All right. I'm cool with that. Okay, I guess we'll just exit this hangar bay. Yeah, with that. Okay. I guess we'll just exit this hangar bay. Yeah. Do that. Wow.

This is much larger than I anticipated. What the fuck? What kind of buildings are there? Yeah, this blob has been consuming pieces of this planet for, looks like a while. Who knows how many donkens like a while. It's just an enormous, gelatinous mass. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

I don't look at you and say, oh, look how tiny and pink you are, because that's rude. Okay? Actually, people do say that to me a lot. And you know what? That's terrible. I'm sorry that that happens to you. Thank you, yes, thank you, Kevin. And people are always looking at me, they're like, oh, my rod. He's a massive blob.

Oh, my rod. He ate my whole family. And I'm like, excuse me, I am a blob. Okay? Please treat me with the same respect you would treat other blobs. It's difficult being this big. I don't know, Kevin, is it possible to, like, I don't know, like, squeeze a couple of families out

if they want? I can't just immediately squeeze out a whole possible to, like, I don't know, like, squeeze a couple of families out if they want? I can't just immediately squeeze out a whole family. I've eaten so many families. Is it mainly a classification problem? Like, you're not sure how to squeeze out the family when they want you to squeeze out? You know, when you get this big, it's hard to maneuver. Sure. All right?

You know, and I'm just honest about it. Kevin, this is just a quick cue from me. AJ, have you thought about, you know, exercise or something? Are you worried about your health? Okay. Oh, wow. AJ, AJ. Exercise? I mean, he traveled three miles in like a minute.

I am generating so much energy every time I grow. I do beginner's level space Pilates. I've just gotten into that. And truly, the more I work out, the bigger I get. Yeah. I mean, I don't really know how blob physiology works, but that makes sense. And it's rough going to gyms, you know, because every gym I go to, I inhale. You just absorb it right away?

Yeah. And people say, don't come. Don't come to the gym. And I'm like, my health matters to me. Listen, Kevin, I feel like you're just a blob trying to get by, you know? Thank you. Yeah. That's what I've been telling these warmongers the whole time.

Can I just ask you, Kevin, how did you come to be on this planet? Are you a blob native to Nalka? I'm not native to Nalka. Okay. I'm from Zorgan 6. When I was back home, there wasn't a lot of people. It was just a lot of wasteland. And so I was feeling lonely.

I was like, you know what? I need interaction. I need people. And also, there's just like a general calling in most blobs to find life. And I was like, you know what? Can I absorb it? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Absorb it?

I'm trying to make a connection. Okay. Okay? You know what? That's on it? I'm trying to make a connection. Okay. Okay? You know what? That's on me. I'm not being crazy. Kevin, I totally get what you're saying right now. I'm sorry.

Who's saying this? Oh, sorry. This is dark. I'm underneath the white hat. Oh, my goodness. Are you a hat? I'm not a hat. I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to remove this. Yeah, let me just. Oh, okay. You would have been my first sentient hat. Well, I was going to say, like, I totally relate. I am also, I have life inside of me right now, too. You would have been my first sentient hat. Well, I was going to say, I totally relate. I have life inside of me right now, too. So everything you're saying, I'm like, yes, yes, yes. How many?

1,630? Oh, just one. Oh, just one. That's cute. One thing about a sentient being. That's adorable. I love that. Well, I mean, it's a little different. I mean, you're growing a new being, and, you know, Kevin has sort of engulfed, you know, thousands of existing people.

First of all, you know, these people are growing inside of me because they're also feeding off of the nutrients that I generate. So technically they're not dead. It's sort of like a symbiotic thing where I feed off of them and they feed off of me and they live forever because I don't want, I'm not trying to kill anyone. Yeah. The thing is that when I look at the bodies inside of you, I'm sort of, they're kind of translucent. There's like, the bones are separated a little bit.

To me, and I, again, I totally get that I don't have like the cultural perspective I need, but they look like they're being digested. You just don't like the way they look now. And I'm like, what I'm telling you is, is that they're the happiest they've ever been. Okay? Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm going to say something that... Listen, I'm not Blobbist. In fact, some of my best friends are Blobs. Okay, there we go. But what I'm going to say is... Have you tried not being a Blob? Okay, that's not... What? I'm not Blobbist.

AJ, I have for you right now a book that you could read. If you want to go read in the corner over there and show all of us what a good reader you are. Yeah, I can read, so I might as well. I'm just going to go read in the corner. Thanks, AJ. Because I can. We're going to ask him at the book later. Oh, yeah.

Great. Yeah. Here's this big, shady book. Go get it. I will. Yay. Oh, boy. Wow.

So that idiot can't read? Is that what that situation is? He wants to read. He wants to be able to read. It's just, it's hard. I think he just admitted he couldn't read. We would help him learn. Yeah, I mean, it's tough when you skip your whole childhood

when you come out with armor on. Hey, did you destroy him yet? Stop trying to destroy me! Stop eating our people! Stop eating everyone! Wow! To be fair, they approach Kevin. It's not like Kevin is seeking them out.

Now, Kevin, let me just ask you a couple questions. What if you don't absorb people? What happens then? I mean, I've never not absorbed people sure sure you know and you know what that's a really good question no one's ever asked me that question who am i if i'm not absorbing yeah i mean are you a blob at all am i a blob at all and do i have to be a blob yeah you know do i have to be this person that they label me as. Do I have to be that? Yeah.

I don't know. Wow. No, of course not. You don't have to be the thing that they think you are. You have to be the blob that you think you are, Kevin. Thank you. You know what? That's true. Book finished. Lock and loaded. Taking the blob down single-handed. AJ, please don't do this.

No, AJ. AJ, no. Oh, my don't do this. No, A.J., A.J., no. Do not do this. Oh, my goodness. Please stop. Who are you? Okay, all right. That was unexpected. Okay, listen, Kevin.

You know, we were having a good conversation there, but we are going to need A.J. back. Well, I'm telling you right now that he's in a much better place, okay? Because that energy was bad. Can we all agree on that? I'm with you on that one, Kevin. AJ doesn't know how to read the room. He doesn't know how to read at all. But he's our friend.

He's our crewmate. And, you know, we can't really leave him behind. But most of all, I'm definitely going to want that book back because that was actually mine and I'm only three-quarters of the way through it. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me give that back. No, that is not a book. That is a dog. I have so many dogs. It's wild.

Let me just... Okay. All right. All right. Let me just... Okay. All right. All right. Let me just... Okay. Well, I'll find it later. No, sure.

I mean, it's fine. It's not like I want to know what happens between the scullery maid and the vicar. It's fine. I don't... I bet I could guess. Yeah, Kevin, the book is sort of less important than our teammate AJ. Okay, cool. And I already sense that he's a good person because he's part of me now.

And, like, he does have a good heart. He's a big old dummy, okay? And he has anger issues. Okay? And maybe he's angry because he's sad. Oh, really? You think so? Yeah.

When I absorb someone, a part of them is reflected in me, and a part of me is reflected in them. It's a very beautiful thing. It's also a very gross thing because it is messy in here. Just a little bit. You kind of have to disassemble each person to kind of get all of their nutrients. Yeah. If I'm going to have to really understand them and get their nutrients,

I'm going to have to disjoint some people. Sure. And they don't feel it. They don't feel it, by the way. You're saying people don't feel that experience? Oh, yeah. Because I'm already in their nervous system. So, bye-bye pain. Okay. All right.

I feel like I want AJ to be with us out here. I know it's harder for us to connect with him that way. I want AJ to be with us out here. I know it's harder for us to connect with him that way. I want to be able to convince you, Kevin, to let AJ go. I think that's fair. I think that's fair. You guys have been really cool.

Yeah, I mean, most of the time when I suck up someone's friend, they want to attack me, and you guys have been pretty chill. Well, also, in all fairness, AJ is the only one of us who has a blaster, so... That is fair. That is fair. I'm sorry, where are you? I lost you. I know. I'm down here. I'm in the fourth octamester, so... You could probably take that hat off, though.

Alright, well, I'm gonna shit out your front real quick, okay? Okay. Back up. shit out your friend real quick, okay? Okay. Back up. Oh, get out of here. AJ.

AJ, are you all right? Why did you make me leave? What do you mean? You got absorbed by the block. It was amazing. We saved your life. It was warm. Perfect temp. At first I was angry. And then I was like, there's so many gyms here. There's so many Perfect temp. At first I was angry.

And then I was like, there's so many gyms here. There's so many gyms. There are gyms everywhere. Yeah. People seem pretty happy. He's tried to visit several gyms. It was amazing. Hey, bro?

Yeah, bro. Roblo? Bro? Thank you. Thank you. That was amazing. Namaste. Hey, did you kill it yet?

No. We had it. Listenaste. Hey, did you kill it yet? No, we haven't. Listen, we're working on it. We're just trying to reach an understanding. Listen, you guys don't get it. It's amazing in there. If you don't believe me, there's somebody that you, I think, will believe. Kevin, you've got to bring her out. All right. AJ, how do you know this? Because we're all connected in Kevin. AJ, who are you know this? Because we're all connected in

Kevin. AJ, who are you talking about? I'm talking about Clarissa. A fourth form? That's right. What? Where? I'm back? Oh. Sucks.

Clarissa! Clarissa, you're back. You suck. Clarissa. Oh, I don't want to be back. Socks. Oh, it sucks out here. You've escaped that nasty blob. Please, explain.

Explain it all. Explain all of it. Let me explain everything. You guys, it's amazing in there. What? It's like having a blanket on you. What? None of us work in the factory.

We just exist. Like, it's really amazing. Are you saying there's a UBI? There's a universal blob income? Yeah. It's just like peace, no judgment. Like, we are all in a blob and we're just equal. What?

Stop talking. Literally shut up. Because yes, we should all go inside of the blob. Never. Literally? Yesterday I went to a gym and another gym and another gym and then went to a spa? We're not convinced. Clarissa, you know what is right.

And it is to come back to the factory You do know what is right But unless Dexeter Yes C-53 And you You must let us know whether or not it is preferable We cannot trust Clarissa

I've been in there I don't know why anyone's not taking my word for it I mean, it just seems like... We can't really tell how it affected you, AJ. Well, it helped me learn how to read. You can, wait, you can read now? I read Bodices of Fire. I read the whole thing.

Oh, he did. He really did. Wait, AJ, how did you learn how to read? I mean, I went into Kevin and everybody there knew how to read. And then all of a sudden I knew how to read. What are you talking about? Well, Papa, each letter stands for a different sound. And when you put all the sounds together, they make words.

I know what reading... Oh, okay. The other part. What do you mean you're connected to the other people in Kevin? I don't know. I just knew how to read. Vicar did finally ravish the scullery maid. Oh, spoiler!

I wasn't at the ending yet! I mean, that's the reason you read it. I mean, you know what's going to happen, right? There's a lot of build-up to it, and it's the second in a series, okay? I just feel very iced out of this conversation. Like, I'm here, you're in my house, and it's just like... Kevin, listen, I just think that the only way we're going to get past this standoff is if we go inside and report back. Okay?

Yeah. Come inside? Just briefly. Sure. Wow. This was not kidding. This is nice. I feel incredible.

And, you know, I get what Kevin was saying. Like, I understand all of you. AJ, I feel like I know your memories. I know what it was like to be a Clint. Yeah, it was, I mean, it's your memories. I know what it was like to be a Clint. Yeah, it was... I mean, it's hard being the best of them. You know? Nelson, I would have liked to have a distant relationship with my dad.

A tube of blue liquid? Yeah, it's... That's tough. Hard. I feel like I know what it's like for my consciousness to be a cube. I feel like I know what it's like to be my fourth octomester. Kevin, is everyone inside of you connected this way?

Yes, because I am technically siphoning off of everyone's neurosystems, so it kind of just like meshes into and I don't want to say this like an amorphous blob. Hey, everyone. I'm one of 17 general managers of a gym.

Welcome. Oh, hey. Welcome to Kevin. It's a great gym you got here. Anybody else weirded out that it's only the top half of it? It's floating around. Been here a while, huh? We're all the top halves of everybody.

How do you use the gym? Mostly just the arm weights, arm machines. Okay, so it's an arm day. Look at all these chill dogs. This is like a puppy palace. I just feel the good will of all these dogs. You know when you meet a dog and you're like, hey, come down. But then you meet a dog and you're like, that's a chill dog.

I see why people like dogs so much. You can see yourself with a dog. That's how I feel right now. With all of these dogs and with you guys. Guys, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you guys as I feel right now. Can we just hug real quick? I love you guys. Let's do it.

Let's do it. I even love you, AJ. What? And you know what? I miss Beano. know what? I miss Bino. Bino? I miss Bino. Yeah, Bino ruled. It almost feels like Bino's here

with us now, you know? Mm-hmm. Bino, no. I don't know. But it feels like it's true. You know, I'm reminded of Bino. So, I'm reflecting on him a hundred times. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. Being in this warm peach night feels so rejuvenating. It sucks that Barney's not here. Code peach means keep doing that fun stuff. Wow, it's a code peach. Code peach means keep doing that fun stuff. wow it's a code peach guys let's lock and load our emotions

I finally understand what that means let's lock and load our care for others you know Kevin part of me thinks we could stay here forever, but I think it's time for us to go. Alright. I'm gonna shake you all out of here. Wow, that honestly was

not as shitty as I thought it would be. Even getting shit out was sort of fine. You know, even though I'm not connected with you all as we were moments ago, I feel like I know you well, which I still am right now. Guys, listen. Inside Kevin, it's the best I've ever felt.

But I realize something in there. The rest of the galaxy is still in trouble, you know? We can't just enter a blob and stay there. It would be amazing just to blob around. Yeah. But we do. We have a mission. Well.

Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. All right. We're not going to destroy Kevin. What?

What? What? Why? We're not going to destroy Kevin, but I'm going to say it. I think you guys should go in. You think that we should let Kevin absorb the entire

planet? Make your own decisions. You gotta go in there and check it out. Well, now that this esteemed crew has declared that inside of Kevin is some sort of oasis, it must be so. it must be so. It must be so. I guess Clarissa explained it accurately.

Yes, she explained it in totality. Yes, everything she said was all of it. You guys, literally everything in Tide is a mousin'. If Clarissa thinks it's a mousin, we should check it out. Nay, nay. Let Kevin absorb the entire planet. Cool. All right.

You know, I'm going to tell you something when I first moved here. I was so lonely. I didn't know if I'd find a place. And I found a whole planet. Now that you're getting emotional, I'm getting emotional. Kevin, I want to admit something to you. Now that we're friends, it's that I did have milk. Here, finish your omelette.

Semonite, Plec Dexeter, C-53, and Hat. This is still Dar. Dar and Hat of Dar. It's actually your hat. When you have a thousand pilots to pilot the fighters, they shall be yours. Actually, we're sort of still kind of in the first stage of kind of building the rebellion. So, yeah, we're kind of recruiting. Well, as you can see, we're all slowly being covered by blobs.

You're being recruited in your own way. That's right. We're just going to take off, and we'll be back when we have the pilots. So warm and delicious. Kevin, thank you for what you've shown us today. Oh, no problem, guys. Are you guys hungry? I just made some omelets.

Just real quick. Like, one of you just take a piece. Okay, yeah. Sure. Okay. There you go. Wow, fluffy. Yes.

The milk really makes a difference. It makes a difference, and that's why I wanted it. And you know what? Can I say something? Going to get that milk was the best choice I made today because I met you guys. Thanks, Kevin. Well, Kevin.

Yeah. Kevin, you really taught us something about connection and community today. And, you know, even though it sort of goes hand in hand with being devoured and digested over millennia, you know, I'm glad we learned it from you. You know, I like to think of myself as a community organism, you know? Oh, sure. Yeah. I bring people together. At first first there's a lot of pushback but eventually we move forward together well kevin for me i should keep an eye on these

1,002 fighter ships no problem baby i got it you know when you come back i'm gonna make everyone breakfast oh that's well that's great that's sounds great yeah okay i can see you're creeping toward us okay what oh i'm sorry i can't control that's all right yeah we're gonna go I'm still feeling a little down, you know, but I had a really therapeutic experience on Nolka. Yeah. Cool. When we were in Kevin, I just kept thinking about how I felt more connected to the crew than ever, and I wish you'd been there, you know? It made me realize that we're all just feeling stuff all the time,

and we've got to take care of each other. Well, you can feel connected to me now if you want, if by asking me questions you've always wanted to ask but never have. Go ahead. Okay. Yeah, I got one. How is it possible for a ship to be sentient? Rude.

Very rude question. Okay. Okay. Next question. Next question. But, hey, the lighting changed. Now the lighting is red. I'm angry now. I mean, that was a rude question.

I'm sorry. Let me try again. How is an electric tellurian to be alive? I don't know. You just, like, I just is. I am. I am. Okay, next question.

Come on. Listen, I'm sorry. How do ships reproduce? Wow. You want to get dirty details for me? I've always wanted to know. I don't understand. How is it... You're sick. You're a sick person. Yeah, I just don't know how they reproduce.

Just go on the info web. Why are you asking Bargy? Okay, I just... One more question. How is your son an amusement park? I don't understand how that's possible. Did he come out as one ride? You know, I was born this way. I'm a cantankerous, angry person.

And maybe, maybe I shouldn't be sad because this is just, I just, I am who I is. I is who I is. And maybe I should stop taking all these under the counter medication without telling you. Under the counter? You're not taking under the counter. Under the counter, that take it under the counter. That's the wrong direction. What a wise thing to replace Bargy's sadness with anger. Well done.

You know, I guess that was sort of what I meant to do. But also, that was rude. That's another rude, very rude question. I have a question. You know, you're among friends here. We're a family of our sort. What happened in Hollywood?

Wow. Okay. Everyone sitting down? Roger, I'm so sorry. We have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager. Hey, guys. How'd it go on Nalka? Do we have those ships?

We do have access to the ships. We just need... A thousand and two pilots. Oh. The ability to travel back inside Kevin whenever we need him. Yo, you chucked up, Nermit. What? What do you mean? Yeah, Nermit, you should have told us about Kevin.

It's a planet-wide blob. No, I'm sure I mentioned that. That was a pretty big detail. No, no, it was a very big detail that you overlooked. I think I would have mentioned it. Shall I play the callback? No, I would have. You're saying I'm wrong.

No, no, no, I'm just saying I would have. Oh, no, no, he's saying that he would have. I'm saying if I had mentioned it, I definitely would have. If you mentioned it, you definitely would have if I had mentioned it I definitely would have if you mentioned it you definitely would have mentioned it right and Nermit I gotta say

you know now that we as a crew are a little bit more bonded because of our experience on Nalka yeah we can with one voice tell you

you jacked up what are we saying who jacked up yeah you all jacked up how did that happen to Nermit you jacked it you jacked it hard

but you know what Nermit what I did learn on Nalka? Yeah. Was that we can't live in a blob anymore, you know? We can't just retreat into our blobs and live in the peach light of a beautiful, interconnected community for the rest of our existences. Which, inside of a blob, could be thousands of years. Literally or metaphorically. You know, we all live in the blobs in our mind, you know, man?

I'm just saying. Are you taking under-the-counter drugs? Yeah, once a week. Bargy, I know you might be down because of Bina, who I now understand. Now that I've connected with all of you, I feel like I can confidently sing this with Bargy. What? When you're out there in the stars. Am I supposed to sing here?

And we know that we're going so high, high, high. I don't even remember the words. Then maybe we find that we're both the stars after all. I don't feel any sort of connection with you. Then maybe we find that we're both the stars after all. Guys, we're stopping right now. That was really nice, guys. I liked all. Let's stop it right now. This is... That was really nice, guys. I liked it.

Was it? Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Papa. Yeah. Okay. You've got a pretty good voice. Were you in The Clintz? No, I wasn't in The Clintz.

That was a little too edgy for me. I was in Clintz Sink. Hmm. This is SeaRed IT5. Credits and attributions to our convincing outro protocol. Papa Plek DexCenter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bend. Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Ship and Clarissa were played by Mujan Zulfagari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Null. Kevin the Blob was played by special guest Lou Gonzalez. Lou is a writer-performer-director at UCB in New York, where he performs with improv teams The Mannequin Room and Higgins. Lou was a writer-performer at the 2019 CBS Diversity

Showcase. Find him on Instagram and Twitter at Angry Lou. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Dahlke Jr.'s Publish Pound in Brooklyn, New York and Maximum Fun in Los Angeles. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goiz.

Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is performing live in Nashville, Tennessee at the PodX Podcast Convention on the weekend of June 1st. Get your tickets at missiontozix.space. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Thank you to our supporters for making this

show possible. Join them at maximumfun.org slash donate. Thanks so much to the over 28,000 members who joined or upgraded during the 2019 MaxFundDrive and to all of our monthly members. To celebrate hitting our goal this year, we're putting the 2019 MaxFundDrive pins on sale for all $10 and up monthly members. As in past years, you'll be able to get some pins and support a great cause at the same time. The proceeds from this year's sale will support the National Court Appointed Special Advocates Association. National CASA does amazing work for children and youth through a national network of 950 member programs. We are proud to be able to support them.

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If you're looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try the Beef and Dairy Network? It won Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I won. There were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s. Specialist bovine arse vet. Both of his eyes are squid's eyes. Yogurt buffet. She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life.

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Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. So you were the four, four women of the factory. It's been hard for us, too, because usually Clarissa explains it all. And now we have to. Oh, wow. This would have been so much more efficient.

When Clarissa talks about Kevin, it's very fast. Well, listen, can you... Well, we're happy to do a favor for four women of the factory.

Kevin can't wait! I thought he could.