Mission To Zyxx - 308: One Wedding and a Funeral [ft. Justin Tyler]

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

In this special May the Sp8th installment, the crew intercepts intel about an imperial gathering. Pleck and AJ Space out. Dar and C-53 serve it hot. Bargie ducks the authorities. Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy and the Lonely A.o.E. Winston Noel as AJ and Gossiptron Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and Catherine With special guest Justin Tyler as The Oldest Cater Waiter Edited by Seth Lind Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Crowd chanting by our Season 3 premiere live show audience Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast. You can get Zyxx merch, including new "Team AJ" shirts! Come see us at PodX in Nashville on June 1st! Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

Hey Zix heads, don't forget, we have a choice selection of merchandise including t-shirts, art prints, pins, and koozies at Topatico.com, including our brand new shirt design featuring everyone's favorite defected Clint. Show the world you're the fan who's sort of the most into AJ by visiting Topatico.com or following the link on our website, MissionToZix.Space. Lock and load. It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zemanite, Plek Dexeter, and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat W wackness,

bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zinx. Papa Dexeter. Yeah? I'm ready for a lesson in the space. Oh, great. Teach me. Great, yep. Seems like now's as good a time as any.

Here, I'm just going to grab some of these utensils over here. Uh-huh. I want you to... Can you turn off the cameras in your helmet so you can't see anything? Oh, yeah, sure. Whoa. I'm just going to throw these. Really dark in here.

Yeah, I'm just going to throw these forks at you and try to catch them, try to dodge or catch them sort of as they come at you. Wait, but I can't see anything. Well, exactly. You have to reach out. What kind of dumb test is this? Okay, that's. You're just going to throw cutlery at me?

What's going on? You have to use all of your senses outside of vision. Try to reach out with your feelings or your emotions. What does that have to do with space? Try to feel the spoon as it passes through the space between the two of us and try to avoid it. Where are the spoons? I'm told it... Do you need one? Yeah, how else am I supposed to have my Go-Gurt?

Okay. Isn't Go-Gurt sort of designed not to... When I'm this size, I need a spoon to eat the Go-Gurt. Sure. Isn't go-gurt sort of designed not to... When I'm this size, I need a spoon to eat the go-gurt. Sure. Fair enough. Yeah, I'm sorry. Okay, here you go. Why are you hoarding all of the cutlery? I was gonna throw some at AJ. Oh, carry on. Okay. Alright, so AJ, turn off the camera. Okay.

Here it comes. I just had a square on the forehead. Now you have to try to avoid it. Does it actually hurt? You are wearing armor. I mean, it's more of like my pride. Hey, where are my spoons? Bargy, I'm sorry, do you need a spoon? Yeah, I need a spoon.

Okay, how do you... How am I going to eat this goby? I don't know, honestly. I don't know how you eat it with or without a spoon. Can I turn my eyes back on? Yeah, turn them back on. I'll keep them off just for a moment. Maybe the spoons is too much.

What if I just be in front of you? Okay. I'm just going to tap on your helmet, okay? You're going to try to dodge me tapping. All right. Oh, he's down. He's down on the ground. AJ, AJ, I got to say, I sort of feel like your first step in learning this space is to learn that, like,

just because you're wearing armor, you don't have to just stand in the way of everything. I feel like your armor has inured you to the experiences of life. Should I, like, get naked? Is that what you're asking me to do? Not really. I'll do it. No, please don't. I'll do it. Wow, he did that so fast. This all snapped.

What? Really? Those are tearaway armor. Tearaway armor. You know, in case we need to poop or something. Wait, you can't... You have to take it all off to poop? Where do you think I... How do you think I poop? I'll put the armor back on.

Wait, wait, wait. This makes a lot of sense. He keeps his gun. Wait, do you have to take off... Mr. Robot Man, how do you think I poop? I would assume from your anus. That's right. But what do I do with the pants? How do I get the pants and the armor off?

I just do this. Why don't you just remove the butt plate? I mean, it's all sort of interconnected. Do you have to remove the gun before you go to the bathroom? No. You can poop around the gun? It's all mental. I mean, like, gun or poop.

Why did they do that? Why did they make the clink that way? I don't like the rules. Uh-oh. Whoops. What? What, Bargin? It's not a big deal, but one of the AOEs are around.

What is an AOE? Agent of the Empire, of course. Oh. That is a big deal, Bargy. What are we going to do? They're just annoying. They're just like annoying little things that go around and beep, beep, beep. Bargy, they're...

Attach your people and put them into prison for life. Whatever. Bargy, that's not annoying. That's terrible. We have to get out of here now. Wait, I have an idea here. Okay, this is going to use a lot of power, but I think I can use the Midnight Shack's stealth super teams too. Yep, I'm cloaked.

What? You just cloaked Bargy? We're totally censoring visible at this point. Oh my gosh. I don't feel any different. Wow. Oh, it's so annoying. Oh, okay, Bargey,

now I know what you mean. It's very annoying. This is not the Emperor's best agents. It's weird that the ship has a little glass dome and there's a guy ringing a bell inside. C53, can you run a quick scan? Are there any other ships around here?

Yeah, not within any kind of... What is this person doing? Oh, boy. I think this is what happens when you work alone. Yeah, I think you just make happens when you work alone. Yeah? I think you just make all these weird rituals for yourself. Yeah. All right, he's gone.

Oh. Wow, wow, that was close. That was close. Close. Good thing I'm invisible. Honestly, I kind of like it. I've never been so wanted in my life. Everybody wants me. Yeah.

I think you're confusing good attention with bad attention. It's like signs up in various stores. Wanted. Baji. Wanted. Papa, I think I got it. I'm turning my eyes off, and I'm throwing. Stop. I can feel it. Okay. All right. off, and I'm throwing. Stop!

I can feel it. Okay, all right. You're actually doing a pretty good job of hitting the place. Okay, well, no, I mean, I see this is part of the training because I'm... I do feel the space. Okay, ow, good. That's fine. That was a direct hit. Okay, but...

Oh! Okay, that's... Chuck it! Great, I guess you figured it out. Through that fork, man! I'm figuring out exactly how the training works for both of us. It's still in process. Papa Dex said I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager.

Hey, Nermit. Hey, guys. Hey, how's it going? Great. You're very happy. This is the most chipper we've ever seen going full on. Well, I've got, uh, there's a mouse in my nest.

Um, but it's like a friendly mouse. And it turns out... You have a friendly mouse in your nest? Yeah. I mean, it's like, the last time I encountered rodents, they ate my pants, and I, this one, I was like, oh, it's a smaller rodent, it's gonna eat, like, I don't know, like a kerchief, or...

Yeah, I think the rats that ate your pants were sort of maybe doing it out of spite. Oh, anyway. So, yeah, it's been kind of, like, a little lonely in the nest. And, like, so look at this little character. Look at that. Oh, what? Are you serious? Are you kidding me?

Whoa. Nerman, that's really great. So, yeah, it's like, it's, oh, my rod, it's purring. So, yeah. You know, Nerman, I rod, it's purring. So, yeah. You know, Nermin, I'm really glad that, you know, you're out on the sheer cliff with the, you know, just blistering winds in your face all the time. I'm glad you found a companion. Thank you. I'm going to name you.

What? No. What? Oh, no. Nermin. I just boomed right back in your faceit Wow, that is a hearty lesson At least you hadn't gotten around to naming it

That's true You weren't that attached I don't know It literally told me it loved me I didn't hear that I just heard a bunch of mews. Really? Did I imagine that? I don't know. You've been here for a long time.

I think you need to get out of there. Take a break. No, actually, guys, I went and had dinner at my parents' house and I picked up my mail. Okay. Congratulations. Yeah. Good job. Wait a minute. Yeah, what?

Where would he be on the ship? Where would he be on the ship? I'm on the planet Philemon. Oh, my. Okay. Nermit is thousands of light years away. What? AJ, just...

AJ, turn off your cameras again. Will do. Can you turn off the mics? Cool. I can't believe we didn't see that. Oh, no. Great. I got't believe we didn't take it. Oh, no. Great. I got my mail, and look at this.

Wait, not that. That's a credit card offer. This. Ooh, he's singing, man. Isn't this crazy? So, okay, look at the address to Nermit Bundeloy. But look at Your Excellency. Huh?

I mean, I'm a Master Missions Operations Manager, but that seems like a level above me, right? Nermit, this mail is meant for the Emperor. Yes. You got misdelivered. Yes. What does it say, Nermit? Okay, Your Excellency, we request the honor of your presence at the nuptials of Lady Trella McFaunch. I don't know if you know that name.

I looked it up. It's of the McFaunch family. Of the... Of the monarchy. Yes. Three of the 11 monarchs are from the McFaunch family. Right. Guys, this is a monarchy and empire wedding designed, I'm sure, to unite the old loyalists and the new imperial regime.

Interesting. So here's what I did. You notice what's not here, the RSVP card. I RSVP'd plus four. I'm sorry, what? You shouldn't do that. Remember, that's what happens when we show up and none of us are the emperor. People know what the emperor looks like.

So here's what we're going to do. Give me a second. Oh, he disconnected the call. I think this is a bad idea. We're going to attend the wedding of strangers we don't know. I mean, people do it. It's called wedding crashing. You crash a wedding.

Oh, yeah, barging. Wedding crashing. Oh, yes, that's. That's exactly what happened. Wedding crashing. Oh, yes, that's when the two ships crashed into each other at a wedding. My character, she got an invitation because someone was sending a card to another Pachi, and it was for a royal wedding. Wait, Bargy, the thing that just happened is the plot of one of your movies? Uh, I don't know. I wasn't paying attention.

I just heard the title of the movie. So how does it end? Oh, horribly. Oh. Because they cut me out of the third act. I mean, how does the plot, how does the plot? I didn't finish watching it. Oh, yeah.

If I'm not in it, then what's the point? Okay, uh, Nermit? Stop. Back. Okay. I'm not going to give you a regular policy. Cut off the call. That new frame is real cash, C-53.

All right. Hey, Nermit. I'm into it. Wait, hold on. C-53, you've just been doing this sort of like as an intentional formality this whole time? I'm in protocol and diplomatic relations to it, okay? Guys, I'm... That is my job.

Nermit, give me one second here. When someone calls, I offer the courtesy of their name and ring so that we're all on the same page. And you felt like Nermid didn't really deserve it the second time. No, that checks out. Hey Nermid, I know you're already connected. I'm sorry you heard that.

Advance team. What? Any dignitary who's going to a place, they send an advance team to make sure it's secure. We can say, you RSVP plus four. Because he's going to have an advance team and come secure the entire area. He's the emperor.

You know, Nermit, I gotta say, that 90 second break you took, you really cracked the code. Thank you. I mean, you are a master missions operations manager. You know, this go-gurt has so much protein that like it. Huh? My parents' fridge.

I went there to get the mail. Perfect. Did you also do your laundry while you were there? Yeah, I was going to say, did they pack you a lunch? Be honest. Honest? Yes. Yes, they did.

Okay. How often are you actually staying at your parents' house? No, I'm always in the nest unless they need me to. Be honest. So, advance team. Mermit, despite waving the courtesy of announcing you, this is an excellent idea. Thank you so much. Remember, Private Exeter, of course, that Gendry Balwin originally overthrew the monarchy with the Council of Seven.

Right, that's true. Many high functionaries from the former monarchy with the Council of Seven. Yeah, that's true. Many high functions from the former monarchy are going to be there, some of whom probably hate the Empire. Exactly. We might find a number of allies at this particular function puppet accident. Right.

Interesting. So guys, I signed everyone up for the salmon. What? I can't eat that. Hey, um, the cheese didn't melt on my sandwich. Could you put it back on the grill, please? Okay. I'm the Dudeop Quist.

And I'm Barnacle Kisses. And this is Hollow Tonight. The headline remains, Barge at Large. The Bargerian Jade has been impossible to find, despite being under investigation for hundreds of tax evasion claims. Bargerian Jade sounds guilty. And what's this? hundreds of tax evasion claims. Bargerian Jade sounds guilty. And what's this?

Fifteen more indictments for hiring bounty hunters to hide her trail and opening children's hospitals, letting them fill up and then closing them back down for shame. Toot, toot, toot. More like criminal lawsuit, suit, suit. All this and more on

Hollow Tonight. Plus a new video from Beanie Gorno. Spoiler, it's pretty sad. Oh no. I'm a Dexter. I have to say, this is one of Nermit's better plans. We look like a perfect Empire advance team. Even AJ hears our security detail.

No, AJ. No, AJ. This is a wedding day. Sorry. We're so sorry. We're so sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Let's do it. Let's get married. Good girl. Hello. Hi. Hi there. Hi. get married. Good cover. Hello, hi. Hi there. Hi.

Are you on the list? Yeah, absolutely. Yes, we are a guest. That is nervous. Oh, fantastic. And we are all having the salmon. Okay, and here's your table assignment. Table number one. Yes.

Table number one. Wait, we're table number one? Yeah, we're number one. We're guests at the end of our first attempt. The groom and the bride will be sitting in the center of your table. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No brush. Thank you. I'm sorry. I don't think we've been introduced. What's your name? Catherine Papay. Catherine. How are you?

How do you know them? I'm the coordinator of the wedding. Oh, wow. Wonderful. So many pots need to go together or else they fall apart. This is by far the biggest wedding I've ever been to. Huge. Catherine, Catherine, where do you want this ice sculpture

in the shape of a man carving an ice sculpture? Okay, let's see. In the seventh quadrant next to table 77. Right, right, right. And make sure it's always frozen. If I see any water falling off of it, off with your testes. Well, yes, absolutely. We'll keep it on ice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, uh, Katharine, it was great to meet you. We're gonna grab a canapé and just, uh, make ourselves... Yes. Hello, would you like a glass of chardonnay or a mushroom stuffed with, uh, smaller mushrooms? Ooh! Oh, my rod!

Durf! My name is Oldest Durf. Durf, it's me. It's Plek. Oh, my! What? Plek! Yes!

Wow! Oh, look at this! Look at the old chosen one. Hey! What are you doing here? This is crazy. What are you doing here? I'm just cater-waitering.

No. What? Are you here undercover, or...? I guess under the cover of, like, a good paycheck. Steady paycheck. This is good. It's good. Hey, what are you?

You're so tiny. I'm in my fourth Octomaster. Oh, cool. Makes sense. Don't explain that any longer. Hey, you got a new robot! Good. That last one real sucked the old big one.

You know what I mean? No, this is actually the same. Same robot? Different frame. Different frame. All right, man. Why do you keep changing frames? Is it a confidence thing?

It's just like a variety of experiences. Oh, that's cool. You're a little looser now. You seem a little fresh. I don't want to do my own horn. Bobby Dexler. Hey, who's this herb? Bobby Dexler, is this the incredible master of the space you mentioned? Yes. Hey, who's this herb?

Yes. Yes, it is. I thought he was dead. Wait a second. You're poppiting him? What do you mean? You're poppiting him. That's just what he calls me. He's just not...

I don't know what... That's the correct term. That's an ancient term. Popp is the correct term. Yeah, he's poppiting. You are poppiting him. But you can't take on a noob. A noob?

Yeah, you're his papa, and he's your noob. Oh, that can't be what it's called. What do you... Have you not... The scrolls. I feel like I'm harping on the scrolls a lot, but it's like... I have the scrolls, okay? I have most of the scrolls.

What do you mean, most? Nermit made one into a nest. Nermit? The Avatar of the Whack? No, the other one. Of course he took the scrolls. You can't let him have access to your private treasure mine. Will you let the Avatar of the Whack take the scrolls? AJ, thank you.

What a betrayal. Thank you, young one. But how are you teaching? What have you been teaching him? Grand Papa Durf. I'm oldest Durf. Did you strip him down and throw civil war at him? Yes, yes, I did. Okay, good. How did it go?

He stripped himself down. Watch. That's great. He's doing well. Okay. Listen, Durf, Durf, listen. We have to go someplace private and talk. This is an imperial wedding. Why don't you just come with me? I'm just going to pass some

canapes and we'll have a little chat. Listen, here's what we're going to do. Papa, Grandpapa, and I will go chat about this space. And Mr. Robot Man and Mr. Robot Man and Dar, you guys try to find the information that we need, right?

Let's do this! It's a plan! AJ, you need to turn it down, okay? Just put your fist into it. Let's not forget he's still nude. Completely nude. Yeah. Please put that back on.

How do y'all know the lucky couple? Hi, I'm... Table one. Oh, yeah. Wowee, table one. Is that the emperor's table? Oh, we shouldn't say. Yeah, yeah.

Did you all say emperor's table? Yes, this is my sister Rhonda. I am literally obsessed with Narmat Vandaloy. You guys know Narmat Vandaloy? I do. They're aeloy. We do. They're a table. We do. We do.

We do very well. I follow all of his social media, and I know everything he's doing. I didn't think he would be here today. This is crazy. He's always on the show. We're sure here on his behalf. Yes. We're his...

Advance team. Yes. Just, you know, sending his regards, and maybe he'll be here. What's he like? Tell us a story. Oh. Rats ate his pants one time. Sure, yeah.

Oh, wow. Plek, certainly you have allowed the space to flow through you. Yes, thank you. Excuse me. Start. Yes? Chardonnay. One second, I'm so sorry.

Here you are. This is actually a pinot grigio, but if you... My wife said chardonnay, sir. Just put a sugar packet in it and it's a chardonnay. All right, very well. Durf, can you just stop serving? Oh, okay. This place is crawling with waiters.

You don't need to do your job right now. It's a sworn duty to do my job here. The space is flowing through me, and I have to make some rent. Yeah, that makes sense to me. You're not living on the Stroid anymore? Well, I don't know. I'm a cater waiter. I have time to raise a child.

What? Ugh. I'm at a wedding. I'm sort of waiter. I don't have time to raise a child. What? Ugh. Really? I'm at a wedding. I'm sort of loosened up. I have a thing for... Oh, yeah. Maybe you'll find somebody. Exactly. A lot of people hook up with the waiters. And a little known fact about weddings, especially royal weddings,

the cater waiters are sort of like... It's like bridesmaid, groomsman, cater waiter. I don't think that... Clint. Yeah, Clint's a little bit below. Clint. This noob gets it. And what made you think it was time to take on it?

He approached me. He just imprinted on you like a duck. That doesn't mean you're in charge. It's like a fart teaching a burp how to stink. What are you... What? I'm writing that down. I'm writing that down.

That's a Zima thing. Have you killed the emperor? Are you paying attention at all i don't follow the news i follow the i follow news from thousands of years ago this is a prophecy that's not news the prophecy doesn't cover everything it's not like oh they don't do film reviews in the prophecy darth listen no the emperor is very much alive the emperor has the entire galaxy under his thumb and what are you doing to combat that? Have you gathered the Zima warriors from the Great Diaspora?

I didn't know there was a diaspora. I thought you were the last one. No, there's a ton of Zima warriors. You're in charge. You're supposed to keep track of all of them. I've been focusing on my own place in space. You know what? I know you're very selfish.

Like, oh, you're the chosen one. Here's the things you have to do. I will say that we did meet somebody who really seemed to... I mean, Papa, no offense, but this person really made you look like an idiot. The space was incredible. They were Azima. Azima Warrior. No, she was just very talented. Raw talent, I would say. She ran a gift shop.

She actually gave me this wood thing. Wow. Wait, wait. She gave a gift shop. She actually gave me this wood saber. Wow. Wait, wait. She gave that to you? She had that? Yes. That is one of the most coveted wood sabers

of Dinglehopper, as we all know. What? Dinglehopper, that's what the... That's what she called it. That's what it is. Yes, that makes sense

what it is. Right. Look at the Dinglehopper you have right there. That's a beautiful weapon. It means that does it glow when you use it?

Sometimes. It's a loadward. Does it glow when you use it? Sometimes. The loadward barf used it. Yes. I'm working on the glowing part glow. I'm working on that. Why are you so defensive? Maybe I've been too hard on you. In the times that I've appeared to you,

gave you a lot of information, and then died or faked my death. Yes. Maybe I've been a little harsh. Yes, I think so. I'll admit it. I think so. Sorry, I'm very old. I'm set a little harsh. Yes, I think so. I'll admit it. I think so. Sorry, I'm old.

I'm very old. I'm set in my ways. Oh, here's a question I have. Okay, great. Let's open it up. Now let's let the noob have his swing. Is it magic or religion, the space? Ah, that's a great question.

It's neither. It's just the space. Ah, yeah, that makes sense. That's what I said, and you said it didn't make sense Well, it didn't make sense then, but now it makes sense This guy gets me You know what? I'm thinking maybe he's the chosen one

Why would... He's a clone! There's literally millions just like him! The chosen one could come from any quarter It's in the... My name is in the scrolls It's true, I could cross it out I've been gathering people up to fight the Emperor. What have you been doing? You've been serving canapes.

Is this pre-wedding entertainment? Is this some sort of dramatic duologue? I think dialogue is the... I say duologue, sir. Now would be a good time to shut that guy up with the space. That's not how the space works. What? Oh, you're telling me how the space works?

You're noob cocky is what you are. What does that mean? You've got a noob so you think you run stuff. And I'll tell you what, you don't run, it's the space. I mean, what is this scene even about? Grandpapa. Yes? You said there were other Zimas.

In every planet, in every quadrant, there are Zimas. in every planet, in every quadrant, there are Zimas. All you have to do is find, like, large parties, ceremonies. You're just describing cater-waiters. That's exactly right. Hey, what about this guy? Is this guy a Zima? Yeah, watch. Ready? Keep it fresh.

See that? We just did a little handshake, and now we end it with a backflip. Oh, now that's entertainment. Very nice. Oh, boy, my back. Okay. Well, actually, we're not sure if Nermit is the father. Whoa! What about his mother?

Well, you know. Some contention. Some people are really talking a lot about him. Ooh! People can't get enough of this Nermit bundle, I can see. And it doesn't really feel like gossip because we're actually talking about Nermit. This gossip is incredibly hot. This gossip is hot.

It's hot gossip. Let's get them crewed so they tell us more. Yes, and I'll spill a secret. I'm managing the garrison right now. But we've had several weak points that I'll tell you about. Just give me more of that hot gossip. Did someone say hot gossip? Because I

didn't know my bundle always ten this time. And he's quite a dick. A lot of unusual accents on this play. Grandpa, but I'm your papa, papa. I have a question for you. If there are Zima warriors everywhere, we should be rallying them to our cause.

Is there one place where they hang out? Yes, Zima Prime. Zima Prime? Zima Prime. Where is that? If you're a member of Zima Prime, you can find it within one to two days. What? Business days or?

They do weekends. Oh, wow. It's a very mystical, complicated task. What you do is you log on to the Zima Prime website. You can use mine. It's tom.wellington.

Is your actual name Tom Wellington? No, that's... It was my roommate's. I use his login. Is your roommate a Zima Knight? He was.

But we lost touch. So you guys share the login? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many people are sharing that login? A lot. Let me be honest, a lot. Durf. Yes?

You need to take me to Zima Prime. That's where this is all leading. That's how we're going to take down the Emperor. You, me, AJ, maybe we can get Marf on board. The rest of the Zimas, come with us. We'll go to Zima Prime. We can join the other Zimas and take down the Emperor. I don't know.

Well, uh, really, this is a good gig. Papa Dexeter's a good gig. This is a really good gig. What are you... Derf, what did you spend decades waiting for me for? So you could serve warm Chardonnay to people? What? I mean, I've died twice for you, and that was one time too many.

Neither of the... Both of those were fake. Those were fake-outs, so you wouldn't have to hang out with me. It's almost harder to produce a fake death than just die. Definitely untrue. You self-immolated because I embarrassed you in the mall. The mall, that was my main social hang, and you blew it. But isn't it a fun surprise?

Like, here I am. Ha ha! Durf, if you're really interested in freshness, you'll come with me to Zima Prime and we will take down the Emperor together. I also have a book club that's meeting tonight. Oh, popular tech 30 has a book club. It's a book club. We're reading a real page turner. Sort of a sad teen thing called It's the Star's Fault.

That's not even a new book. I don't need to read a freshly printed book every... A book club is just about having fun. It's not about covering... I'm just saying you can read it. It's not about publishing it. You can read you can read it. It's not about publishing. You can read it anytime. Oh, okay. Stop fighting!

Stop fighting! Now you've made the noob cry. You know, a noob tear is the saddest thing in the galaxy. The tears are in the helmet. I can't get them out. He's drowning. He's drowning.

He's going to drown in his helmet. And sure, we can replace him with another clone. Fine. I love it. It's sad. It is sad for right now. That's a good point. But cleaning up a body is weird, especially when its clothes just fall off.

You ever thrown out a naked body? It's so super weird. Because it's very easy to get caught. Plank. Was that a bell? I mean, I might have to be bringing out the steak, I think. What did you guys order? Salmon.

We all got the salmon. You ordered salmon? What, are you crazy? At a wedding? You ordered salmon? How many people? We had five orders of salmon. Yeah.

There are five total orders of salmon. We're four of them. Plus one, though, right? And Dark can't eat fish anyway. Yeah, and also Mr. Robot Man can't eat salmon either. So it's really just the two of us. Just the two of us. You guys going to eat the salmon?

Because let me tell you, it's horrible. Oh. You go to a wedding or a salmon, you don't know what you're doing. I don't go to a lot of weddings. Also, this isn't, we're not attending the wedding. Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss!

Hot goss! Hot goss! All right, one more piece of really juicy, nerdy goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Alright, one more piece of really juicy, nermy goss. But be warned, my gossip-tron will know if this gossip is true. Excuse me, there is a little tooth. Oh, well, surely all of you are familiar with his music alter ego. What? Nermit Bundeloy uses the pseudonym.

Mermit Nundeloy. Oh. Yeah. I'm getting scared. These boxes. Here, actually, I got a little taste of this. One of his latest demos. He did just release an album, but this is new.

This is fresh. I'm sitting in a nest. I'm dancing in a nest. I'm dancing in a nest. I'm sleeping in a nest. Straight hanging in a nest with my mouse. His singing voice is quite different from his talking. It doesn't sound like him responding. Well, obviously, since he is performing under a fake name,

he also alters his voice. This got so hot. a fake name, he also alters his voice. His voice! This got so hot. I bet all the dissidents I know who hate the Emperor would be into this. In writing! Yes, I'm doing it now! Scribble, scribble! Dissidents like General Forlok,

Lady Vindefar. Don't forget Lucia Morales! Oh, she hates the Emperor! So many dissidents! Lady Vindifar. Don't forget Lucia Morale. Oh, she hates the emperor. So many dissidents. Keep going and I'll list more. Oh, yes, well, Nermid Bundler famously also

loves to eat Gurp. Oh, loves Gurp. This Gurp is us. What? A Talorian eating Gurp? Let's all name theERP. Is us. Is us. What? A tellurian eating GERP? Let's all name the names now. Yes. Dissidents only. Right.

Suzanne Bering. Elliot Bill. Zip Floss. Melanie D. Sharpet the Little Torp. Android 7592. Pretty good. Not as many names as Norman Andaloy would drop.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Drop off. A secretly anybody who's named Angelina. Not as many names as Norman Andaloy would drop. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Secretly anybody who's named Angelina. Angelina is a famously dissident name. Yes. I take exception to that. Shut up, Angelina.

Shut up, Angelina. I do, I do hate you. Angelina Belincty. Angelina Porf. Angelina Torn. Angelina Doof. Angelina Bish. Pretty call it diplomatic relationship.

This is maybe my most successful day ever. I know, and I feel like I'm getting a little noob cocky. Is that a phrase? Durf. Yes? You've been waiting for me for decades. Now's the time. If not now, when?

It's gonna really juck a lot tonight At this wedding You know, Turf I don't want to spend my days As a Zima warrior Hooking up with wedding guests Oh, big mistake That's like half of it No, I'm not going to do that

I have bigger plans I'm going to save the galaxy From Wackness And take down the Emperor I'm the chosen one, okay? And I don't need I don't need you anymore, Turf Thank you

Are you turning your back On your Papa? I mean Yeah I'm the chosen one, okay? And I don't need you anymore, Durf. Thank you. Are you turning your back on your papa? I mean, yeah. Papa Durf? Yeah, I mean, I guess I am. I guess I am. You know what? Have fun after the wedding. I hope the after party is great.

You're going to go to Zima Prime by yourself? Yes, I'm going to use your login. That is the freshest move of all. What? You've finally become a Zima warrior by ignoring your papa. Really? Yes, you're like a baby bird who spits in its mother's face. That's not how.

I don't think that's how a baby bird is. I'm familiar with that. Yes, this is going to be good. I finally feel like I'm ready to take you to Zima Prime, and it's time we truly brought freshness back. Yes. Let's go. Yes.

I'll take my jacket in the back, and then we'll get on Bargy. Why do you have to do... It's not my jacket I have to return. It's not his jacket. See, he gets it. Who cares? It's a small world of catering business, Papa. Exactly, and if that gets back, it's all his emo warriors, and if it spreads it, like, oh,

old Durf's not cleaning his jacket. Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! Hot goss! I am actually now really understanding what Margie meant about being wanted. What?

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What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. He's so sleazy, right? Uh, right? Judging gossip database of nicknames, Lizard does not compute. Gossip, now. Ice cold. Was this goss hot at all? Were we misled about the temperature of this goss? Boy, they are treating the best.

Where did these pitchforks come from? It seemed like everybody had one under their table. They're the wedding favors! Oh no. Dar, we really might be in a lot of trouble here. If you know Nerva, then you'd know the name of his elementary school that we all attended. Right. Oh, well everyone knows that.

That's a very fun boy went to. Uh-huh. Six prep? Kill them! Kill them! Well, everyone knows that. The only bundle I went to. Six preps? Kill them! He was homeschooled, like all of us. Let's go. Yes, good. Let's go, all of us together. And bring your other friends, the robot and the tiny one.

Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, I mean, they'd be coming along anyway. Papa, I've put the coordinates to Barji. She's on her way. Oh. We should gather at Mr. Robot Man and Dar. Yeah, it's C-53, actually. Huh?

This is going to be good. I would never walk away from this situation. What? What's happening? What is happening? What is happening? It's just... You know, I spent so many years planning this wedding, and now a crowd of angry people are just going to ruin all of the decorations.

Like, why did I even do this? We were right. We were right, too. I should have been serving more canapes. This is what happens to a crowd. No, wait. I'll stop them. I'll stop them.

You guys run. Get to Bargy. Go. Gather this. No, no. I'll stay here and stop them and jump around a little bit. Eat these canapes. No.

Plek. Plek. these are my last words. I told you they wanted a piece of me. And the jaw. Rip him apart. Rip him apart. Crush him with the ice sculpture of a man carving an ice sculpture. Gonna be hard to come back from this, let me be honest. And now a dance between the bride and groom.

Well, I have to say, for a while, it was exhilarating leading that crowd of gossip fans. I mean, at first, the high of being wanted was incredible. Yeah, but then, wow, it's just like our fans turned on us. So fast. Yeah, it's great. our fans turned on us. Who's that? Yeah, it's great. I'm thinking I want to be wanted forever. You know, it's dangerous. It's maybe not good, but everyone's eyes are on you. Wait, wait a minute.

I just realized something. Bargy, if you're on the run, why are you doing missions with us? Why don't you just ditch us, you know? Shoot us into space and then just like disappear Adrian, please don't do that You could just launch into space right now The extra body inside of me has a valid point First of all, I didn't know you were doing missions

I thought you just wanted me to drop you off places That didn't seem you had purpose, okay? And secondly Fred Fisher You just wanted me to drop you off places that didn't seem you had purpose, okay? And secondly, friend-fanship. I'm sorry, did you say that a little louder? Oh, it's inaudible? Friendship.

I'm sorry, it's just like the audio file's being corrupted or something. Friendship. Oh, it's Final Crime. I think it's Final Crime. Friendship. Look, whatever, you get it, it's hard for me to say. Oh, holy shit, it's Final Crown. I think it's Final Crown. Yes, first. Look, whatever you get, it's off of me to say. Oh, holy shit, it's friendship. Yeah, of course it is, AJ. Don't let Black know.

Guys, excuse me. I have some studying to do. Black, did you not hear what Barney just said? I said friendship. That's like your fetish. I'm just... You're a pervert for friendship. Sorry, guys.

I'm just a little distracted right now. I'm going to go read some scrolls, kind of catch up, you know? I learned a lot from Durf today, and I think it's that I can't get complacent. I don't want to be one of those Zimas who just caters weddings and... and... jucks afterwards. Is that a lot of Zimas? Apparently, it's almost all of them.

Yikes. Yeah. It's the Zima way. I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager, Narman Bungalow. You answer the call. Got some work to do. Hello, Narman.

Hey, guys. Hey, just looking through these paparazzi photos from the wedding that are online. It looks intense. Yeah, there was a real mob at the end. Wow. That's a pretty great sculpture. Yeah, that was amazing.

Listen, Nervous. We're pleased to report that we have this 13-page list named Dissidence also dismissed the emperor. Wow. are pleased to report that we have this 13-page list of named dissidents, all of whom despise the Emperor. Wow. This list is enormous. It's like almost all Angelinas?

It's a lot of Angelinas. Okay. All right. We need to find Los Angelinas. And enjoy this technical diagram enumerating a number of vulnerabilities in Empire garrisons. Oh, it's paid off! Yeah, once the Pinot Grigio and sugar packets were poured, everybody was filling their secrets.

Oh, man. I'm going to pretty much RSVP us to every wedding we get invited to. Oh, by the way, I remembered the ending of the movie I did, Wedding Crasher. Oh, what happened? Well, after the two ships fall in love and crash into one another, they end up going to a wedding that a lot of people get really angry and they get kicked out because it becomes all about gossip. It's like a very gossip-based movie and everyone's yelling, Hot goss, hot goss. Oh, uh, of course, that's what just happened to us.

In the movie, right? No, Oh, uh, of course, that's what just happened to us. In the movie, right? No, no, no, no, just on the surface. You know, that was in the original script. That's what we shot, but I guess, like, people were like, that's crazy, that would never happen, so they cut it. Uh, and also, I developed... Oh, wait, wait, wait. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Going into stuff. I'm gonna hail him. I'm going to hail him. All right. Let's see. Zima prime dot space. Tom dot Wellington. Never give me the password

let's see keep it fresh space is the best um what what no it's black

oh shit could you give a message to AJ AJ. Uh, what? Durf? AJ. No, it's Black. Oh, oh shit. Uh, could you give a message to AJ? No, you can't. Space connect him yourself. Ah, thanks. No, you get like one space thing a day. What? Since being in prison.

Listen, while you're here, can I get the Zima, can I get the Zima Prime password? I think I told you. No. I mentioned it. No, you didn't. Listen, while you're here, can I get the Zima Prime password? I think I told you. No. Yeah, I mentioned it. No, you didn't. You never told me. Did you try to keep fresh? Do you not know your password? You know, I haven't been with Zima Prime for a while.

Is it saved? On my computer? I don't know. Is your password autofill on my computer? Is there a little yellow bar with the stars in it? No. Get out of my life! What's wrong with Plek?

Why is he yelling? Just screaming out into space. Wow, he's really emotional. I'm sure he's just working for something. Can we give him a bed? Will that make it better? Well, let's not go too far. Yeah, it's just working for something. Can we give him a bed? Will that make it better? Well, let's not go too far. Yeah, it's too far. This is SeaRed IT5.

Credits and attributions joined commencing outro protocol. Papa Plec Dexeter was played by Alden Ford C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn Dar was played by Ali Kokash Margie the Ship and Catherine

the wedding coordinator were played by Mujan Zalfagari Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and the only agent of the Empire were played by Seth Lind

AJ was played by Winston Knoll Oldest Dirt was played by special guest Justin Tyler Justin is a director and field producer for

Desus and Mero on Showtime and hosts the weekly variety show Genderfy with Alden Ford at the Upright Systems Brigade. He also co-hosts Comic Book Club, a weekly comic book show and podcast in NYC. Follow him on Twitter at JTCizzle. Thank you to the audience at our Season 3 Kickoff Live Show for chanting

Hot Goss. This episode was edited by Sethh lynn with sound design and mix by shane o'connell recorded at bronze studios in brooklyn new york music composed by brennan ryan and performed by famous macedonian symphonic orchestra opening crawl narration by jeremy crutchley ship design for the bargerian jade by eric goyce audio hosting by simple cast mission to zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. And remember, Mission to Zix will be performing an all-new episode appearing on panels, meeting fans,

and stuffing our faces with hot chicken at the PodX Podcast Convention in Nashville May 31st through June 2nd. Get your tickets at missiontozix.space or get more info at podx.com. See you there! Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. See you there. internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I hear their cases. I ask them questions. They're good ones. And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire. One of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting

his own hair with a flow bead, my husband has his hair cut professionally. I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks, Judge John Hodgman. Hi, I am Lori Kilmartin. And I'm Jackie Kishin. Together, we host a podcast called The Jackie and Lori Show.

We're both stand-up comics. We recently met each other because women weren't allowed to work together on the road or in gigs for a long, long time. And so our friendship has been unfolding on this podcast for a couple of years. Jackie constantly works the road. I write for Conan, and then I work the road in between. We do a lot of standup comedy. And so we celebrate standup and we also bitch about it. We keep it to an hour.

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Audience supported. Is there one place where they hang out or are they just sort of dispersed? Zima Prime. Zima Prime? Zima Prime. Where is that? It's a mysterious planet

that changes its location often. How? But you can always find it within two days. Yeah. If you're a member of Zima Prime, you can find it within one to two days. Business days? They do weekends.

Oh, wow. I like that.