Mission To Zyxx - 309: Jan with a Van [ft. Morgan Grace Jarrett]

Episode Date: May 15, 2019

The crew head to an unusual planet in search of a powerful oracle. Bargie gets back out there. Dar’s pregnancy raises new questions. AJ sets a bad example. Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy, Philip and Josh Winston Noel as AJ, Sam and Jeremy Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie, Hailee and Toad With special guest Morgan Jarrett as Jan Edited by Jeremy Bent Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist, and also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zemanite Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Six. What are you doing, Dad?

Are you reading more? Yeah, I love it so much. Now that I've learned how to read, I'm reading all the time. What do you think I'm enjoying? You know, the great books. And I'm really into the classics right now. Pat the Garfun. Goodnight Forest Moon.

Peter Pfft. You know, where he goes and he tries to steal some of the boat wads from Farmer McGregor. You know, just classics like that you're reading children's books well i guess if you consider one gurp two gurp red gurp blue gurp a children's book yeah i'm reading children's book i mean c53 he is only five he's only five years old you know but little kids are reading what are considered quality children's books sure these are classics hey hey who's free who's free right now yeah i'm pretty free Sure. A classic.

Yeah, I'm pretty free, Bargy. What do you need? Wait. What? What? No, Bargy, I thought... No, Bargy, I thought you were on the lam. You can't be auditioning for anything. The last time I talked to you, you were actively avoiding scrutiny from anyone.

The thing is, it's been enough time, okay? I spent way too much time dealing with being a criminal, with all the things I've done, you know, feeling ashamed and bad and sad. I'm ready. I'm ready for my comeback tour. But you never apologized at all. Fine, that's good. It's my apology tour. My tour of all the places where I can audition. You're only touring places

where you can audition for holidays? Yeah, yeah. Barge, you know, part of redemption is, you know, being proactive about making the things that you did better. Definitely, 100%. Anyway, horny doctor's first line. Yeah, I'll do it.

I'm tipping. Shit. Change. The. Guiz. Change the guiz. The guiz. I knew it.

AJ, AJ, I thought you could read. I can read. I'm reading. I mean, what's, how's this not reading? Is there a horny doctor here on the ship? I need to see a doctor. Dar, come out of your room. What's going on? Well, could you just send a horny doctor in here? No, it's an audition, Dar. There's no doctor on the ship.

It's gauze. It doesn't look like it's gauze. It's just what I think you can see. Is it a language? It really sounds like it was a horny doctor. I haven't even said my line yet. Dar, I don't know what's going on in there, but the Midnight Channel comes in fifth with some pretty high-end first aid subroutines, should you need any medical attention.

Well. Whoa. Wow. I don't have a subroutine for this. Dar, what? I'm sorry. Whoa! Wow! Wow! Dar, what? I'm sorry. This is... Dar, it's probably super normal that your head is so small and your body so large.

No, no, this is not normal. This is too soon. I'm not fully into the fifth Octomaster, and I shouldn't look like this. I shouldn't look like this. The books don't say this. Dara, are you okay? I mean, do you feel all right? I mean, everything still feels fine. It just feels like my body

moved on a little too quickly. All right, so none of these are lines that the doctor is saying, so this is not helping. I'm sorry, AJ. I'll do it. I'll do it. All right. I'm sorry, AJ, I'll do it. I'll do it. Change the gauze on that hatch, or I'll do it for you. You've killed people, but you've brought me to life.

Right here. I don't know if I like this, Bargy. Yeah, I mean, I just read what's on the page. It was only one line, so. Oh, that was it? Thank you. Sending it now. All right. Boom, boom, boom.

Oh, I have to sleep. Hi, it's Bajira and Jay. You know what I did. But I'm back. Bargy, we still don't know what you did. All right, we'll be going. Okay, all right. Puppet Exeter, we have an incoming transmission

from Master Missions Operations Manager, Nermin van der Looy. Hey. Hey, guys. Hey, Nermin, you're inside. Yeah, that doesn't look like your nest. Yeah, yeah, I'm just at the parents' house. They had to, like, helping them, like, reset the router.

Nermin, are you going to finish your vegetables? No, Mom, I'm just at the parents' house. They had to, like, helping them, like, reset the router. Nermin, are you going to finish your vegetables? No, Mom, I'm working. Do you know how important it is to eat your vegetables? Do you know how important it is to take down the Emperor? Nermin, do you have the router working again? I had to pause on that for one second because I have to assign a mission. Remember, I'm a missions operations manager of the master level. Nermin, the internet doesn't work.

Nermit, you can finish rebooting the router and call us back. No, no, no. Because we're trying to stream a program, Nermit. Can you wait like one minute? I have the mission for the... How do I make this picture on my phone bigger? You literally move your fingers apart. I don't get it.

No, you spread your fingers apart. Well, that's what she's doing. She's not touching the phone. She's moving her fingers apart. While touching the screen. Nermit, Nermit, you gotta stop calling us when you have other shit happening. No, no, no, I told them that I needed a break from chores. Just then wait till the break has started.

I did. Guys, I have a mission. Mission time. Like the enthusiasm, AJ. All right, I've been looking through the list of dissidents that we got during the wedding, and one of the names stood out. Okay. Jan.

Uh. Jan is an oracle. Now that is interesting. Jan is probably the most powerful entity on this list of dissidents. This is the first place that we should go to attract incredibly powerful support in our quest to take Tonya apart. Nermit, what do you mean, oracle? You mean like a hole? What?

Isn't an oracle a hole in the ground? You're thinking of a hole. Huh. All right. I'm going to check it out. Yeah, get back to us. Look that up. Just walked into the cargo bay.

How would Exeter and Oracle as somebody with precognitive abilities, they could potentially give us future information about the Emperor? They could help us in ways we don't even fully understand yet. An ancient source of information and knowledge. Maybe they could help us understand

why my head is so small and my body is so big. And I'm not actually supposed to be my phytoctomister yet. What? Yeah, Dar, something's going on with Dar. Wait, wait, wait. We'll ask the Oracle. Dar, are you okay? Is the baby okay?

Nermin, Nermin, Nermin, put that book down. You don't need to make a nest right now. Okay, I'm netting it. I'm tearing it up. Stop, Nermin. Nermin, that is a first edition copy of OneGurp, TwoGurp, RedGurp, BlueGurp.

I need to nest. I'm nesting, guys. Presending accordance to Kierklond. Kierklond? Kierklond, the home of Yod. Thank you, Nermit. Dar, stay strong. I'm always strong. Nermit, if I want to send this picture as an attach...

C-53, you gotta disconnect this call. It's the paperclip icon. Disconnect it. I was thinking orifice. That's what I was thinking. Tidings your immeasurable wackness. Head Toadie Boroff here with good news. And some bad, but first the good. My Imperial shuttle is fueled and spotless.

Ready to transport a brigade to mop up. After our wicked trap undoubtedly eliminates that meddling crew of interlopers in this for the bad news. Well, it seems that our enemies on the fresh side are equipped with socks of higher quality than we imagined possible. They're called Bombas, you see. And they're designed to be the most comfortable socks in the history of feet. Which is, uh, hang on. Oh, wow, my calculator doesn't even go that high.

Anyways, lots of years of feet. And the problem is this, you see. Bombas are made from super soft, natural cotton. And then every pair comes with arch support, a seamless toe, and a cushioned footbed that's comfy but not too thick. I know, I know. We need them. And do not worry your gnarliness. I will gain us access to these powerful socks.

If only one could buy them today at bombus.com slash zix or something and get 20% off your first order. That would be perfect. I would totally go to bombus.com slash zyxx for 20% off these incredible socks. Wait, no. For every purchase of Bombus, they donate a pair to someone in need? That's not whack. That's completely frat.

Blast! Would that they were at bombusar Consolation's mix! Hmm, I guess not what I expected out of a planet that's home to an oracle. I feel like most of our, you know, we usually land in a capital city or something, but this spaceport, it sort of seems to be in a residential area. Are you guys here for soccer or what? Are you here to pick us up? No, no, no, no. We've been waiting and no one, She hasn't picked us up yet.

No one's picked us up. I scored a goal. Oh, congratulations. Thanks. Good for you. I'm sorry, is there someone... Is there an adult? Is there an adult?

Get in the car. Get in the car. What are you doing talking to strangers? Mom, you're late. You said you were going to pick us up at 4.30 and it's literally like 4.44. Okay, okay, listen. Literally.

I cannot keep track of the time, okay? My BitFit broke, okay, if you must know. Want to know who broke it? Guess. Guess who broke it. Danielle? Todd. Both of them broke it.

Oh. Both of them. Danielle broke it. Todd flushed it down the toilet. Listen, get in the car. Stop talking to strangers. Get in the car. Hi, sorry, miss.

It looks like you're very busy. I just have... What? You mean to almost kidnap my kids? Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. We would never want to kidnap them. Welcome to the club. Yeah.

I just have a quick question. Real quick. There doesn't seem to be any sort of official here at the spaceport. We're looking for the Oracle. Yeah, I'm the Oracle. I'm Jan. Jan? We're actually looking for Jan.

It's just Jan. I'm Jan, and I'm an Oracle, and these are my kids. These are all my children. Mama? Mama? Yes. Mama, I gotta go pee. Okay, just go in your diaper.

It's fine. Just forget the potty training thing we've been working on. Just go in your diaper. Sorry, Jan. Yeah, that's me. You are the Oracle on the planet. Yep, that's fine. Just forget the potty training thing we've been working on. Just go. Sorry, Jan. You are the oracle on the planet. Yep, that's me. Okay. I got a lot going on. I thought it was Jan. How is it spelled?

Uh, J-A-N. Okay, that seems like a Nermit misconception. Yeah, could you pronounce the planet name? Kirkland? Oh, okay. This is Kirkland. Kirkland, yeah. No, you're just... Mom, what are you doing the planet name? Kirkland? Oh, okay. This is Kirkland. Kirkland, yeah. No, you're just...

That seems weird. Mom, what are you doing here? What? What are you doing here? I'm trying to be at the... I'm at the spaceport, just hanging out with my friends. Jeremy? What?

Jeremy, take off those sunglasses immediately. No! Take off those... Those are not yours. Take them off right now. Listen, Jan, I'm sorry. We actually are... We are here to speak to the Oracle. It looks like you're pretty busy.

Should we come back? When would be a less busy time for me? You tell me. I have nine million children. Yeah, yeah. Yes, what? Mom's here. Sorry, I ran over from the other part of town.

Phillip and I are getting a divorce. And it's like, is it me? Is it him? It's me. It's I are getting a divorce. Oh, my God. And it's like, is it me? Is it him? It's me. It's me, right? No, no, no. Listen, Haley.

Yeah. It is not you. It's you. Mom, mom, mom, mom. It's me, Phillip. Haley and I are getting a divorce. Okay, Phillip. Yeah.

Phillip. Yeah. It's not Haley. Yeah. What? Thank you, Mom. Listen, Phillip, you've always been difficult. What? Yeah. Phillip. Yeah. It's not Haley. Yeah. What? Thank you, Mom. Listen, Phillip, you've always been difficult. What?

Yeah. You just... These are all for your kids? Yeah. That are married to each other. Yeah. Well, you know... I suppose on a planet of nine million of your children, that's to be expected.

Yeah. Married for now until Haley kisses me. Mom, I already have a divorce lawyer. Sam is doing it. Mother? Hello. Hi, Sam. Wait, that decrepit old lawyer is your son?

It's been a while. Hey, that's my brother you're talking about. That's my divorce lawyer and my brother. It's just that Jan looks amazing and ethereal and you look like a broom. He looks like a very well-polished broom. That broom passed the bar. He did. a broom. He looks like a very well-polished broom. I don't know if that's a compliment. That broom passed the barn. He did.

He did. I'm sorry, Jan. We should probably go and come back. I feel like you're right in the middle of a lot. She won't have time for you. She never has time. Okay. Oh, well.

That's hurtful. That hurts my feelings. But you know what? I can only do what I can do. I only have so many hands. Okay. Yes. And here's

a bottle of star dust. Okay. Well, if we can't go, can we help you at all? Is there anything we can do? You can be very busy. Yeah. Actually, thank you. Yeah. Actually, thank you.

Yeah, that'd be great. Let's take out some of these kids. AJ, why is it the first thing you think of? If I'm locked alone, let's do it. Please don't. Oh, no, no. Can you put that away, actually? I don't want any of my children to have any visuals of guns.

I don't even allow... Mom, mom, look at this picture I drew of that gun I just saw. Yeah, it looks just like that one. It's just like that. It's just like that. That's where it starts. Uh, Jeremy? What? Get that cigarette out of your mouth right this second. Get that cigarette out of your mouth.

Yeah. He ate it. He ate the cigarette. I was going to make him eat it as a form of punishment, but he enjoyed... Be careful. She'll lord that over you for the rest of your life. Okay. Oh, you used to smoke?

I did. Oh, that's why you look like a broom. Uh, you guys can help me. Listen, here's a list. Here's a list. Okay, I need you to go to the grocery store. Just get everything on this list. Okay, I'm doing some crockpot meals.

And, uh, some freezer meals, some meal planning. And I don't think I'm going to have time to get to the grocery store. Can you do that for me? Okay, yeah. We heard that you were an oracle. So you can see the future? Yeah, I am. Yeah, oh, I mean, I know everything, but... And could you tell me then why my head is so small but my body is so big? You know, I'm just, I'm so tired is the thing. I'm just, I know everything.

I see everything. Of course, right. But I am exhausted. You know what I mean? And I understand. I'm a new, um. They're expecting. Yeah.

Oh. Congratulations. It's the best time of your life. Are you glowing? No, I'm actually freaking out because my head is so small. My body is so big and I'm not supposed to be in my fifth octomaster at this point. I should still be in my fourth octomaster. I should still be all tiny.

Are you seeing a midwife? All small. No. Should I have been seeing a midwife? Are you seeing a doula? No. Should I? Are you seeing an OBGYN?

No. Should I? Are you seeing a shaman? Oh, I honestly thought that that was not a good idea. It probably isn't. Mama? Mama? Yes, baby. I isn't. Mama? Mama? Yes, baby.

I'm sick. You're sick? I'm really sick. What's wrong? I'm just grown up all over again. Can you just help me clean it up? That would really... Not a big deal.

Just grab some of these. But you're saying if you were a little less tired, you would know how to help me. Yeah, I mean, look, I can, you know, I can look into it. I've got a few more kids to pick up from swim practice. I can go there. And then, okay, and I've got to get this food and the crock pot. And then I've got to get these 400 kids. I do have to get to bed by 7.

Wow. Okay. Where are the dads? AJ, that doesn't really, I don't to get to bed by 7. Wow. Okay. Where are the dads? AJ, that doesn't really... What? I don't think that's... What did I say? You don't have to.

Did I say something wrong? It's just very personal. If I had to guess, I would say... Yeah, but where are the dads? You know, shouldn't there be dads? What? I mean, I am a clone, but I have been conditioned to realize that a normal family is a mother, a father, children, one red GERP, one blue GERP.

AJ, listen, one of the things you've got to learn on this job is that we're going to go to planets that have totally different, you know, society structures, cultures, and part of diplomacy is being able to, you know, kind of figure that out. I'm not a diplomat. I'm a soldier, man. You have to put that away, AJ. Can you please put that gun away? Look at the shaving I was able to do on this gun while he had it out.

No, Matthew, put that drawing away. Okay, no more guns. I know you guys came here for a reason or whatever. I want to help you. I obviously have a lot going on. I'm in over my head. You know I am an oracle. I've got nine million kids.

You look great. Well, thank you. I do the 30-day shred every time. That's a lot of days. That adds up. I didn't find the time to do the shred. But yes, you know, it's just a lot of me. Where are the dads? Where are the fathers?

Hey, Jay, you know what? Here is this shopping list. Do you see that grocery store across the street? Yeah. How about you go grab us some groceries? Let's go shopping, baby. Lock and load it. Can you please? Lock and load.

You definitely can't bring that into the... I will take that. I'll take that. Lock and shop, baby. Let's do it. Yep. And let me take the button that takes the gun out of your butt. Let me take it.

All right. Take it. All right. Lock and load. Let's do it. You got a gun up your butt. All right. Get in the cart.

Get back in the cart. Jan, should we actually come with you? Would that be easier? Yeah. Jan, how does the society work here on Kirkland? Did you build this city or did your kids build it? Yeah, I essentially built it. You know, I started having children,

I don't know how many years ago was it. I've got nine million kids. I've got, I don't know how many years ago was it. I've got 9 million kids. I've got, I don't know, the 80s maybe. And, you know, next thing you know, here I am, all these kids, and just trying to keep my head above the water. And, you know, I love them. I love all of them. It's hard.

It's hard work. That's very obvious. You know, I know every kid is different, but I, I love him. I love all of them. It's hard. That's very obvious. I know every kid is different, but I can tell you really are connected with all of them. There's a lot of care. Yeah, yeah. Mama.

Mama. Just ignore him. Just ignore him. It's just, that's Toad. Mama. That's Toad. And just, he's fine. He's fine. I guess I didn't really understand that, I thought all of your kids were the same species.

No. No. Some of them are reptiles. And when that happens, they go and live in the lake. And they're not 100% my responsibility because they are reptiles. Oh, sure. They take care of each other. But Toad has just sort of insisted that he stick with...

Sure. Flies. Man flies. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to go to the lake and get some flies? Fly! Oh, wow. Yeah, there you go.

Sometimes you look out. Wait, so, Jan, if you're the mother of the reptiles and stuff, are you the mother of, like, the plants? Yes, I gave birth to everything on this planet. So anything you see, all the plant life, all the air. Wow. There was no air here before you got here? There was no air. I had to make it a more...

Jan, I really feel like you've created a really big, happy family here. Huh. You know, I think I have. I think I have. Jan, did you do more oracling before you had kids, do you think? Sure.

Yeah, I had a life before kids. Okay. Yeah, I looked a little different. I had a little more energy. I had a life before kids. Okay. Yeah, I looked a little different. I had a little more energy. I had a little more all-knowing knowledge and power. Okay, but now I've got mom brain. Yeah, that's true. I don't even know how much gas I have in this thing. I feel like you maybe need a little bit of help here, Jan, around the planet.

No, no, no, no. I've got this. I've got this. No one's going to do it like I'm going to do it, okay? Sure. I've got everything under control. Okay, that may be true, but it just seems like a lot of work for one. Even a writer's like yourself.

I can do it. No, I can do it. If I know I'm doing it, then I just know I'm doing it right, you know? Yeah, that makes sense. The laundry's getting done the exact way that I do the laundry. But, you know, sometimes you've got to, you know, if you love something, you done the exact way that i do the laundry but you know it's it's uh sometimes you gotta uh you know if you love something you gotta set it free as they say also delegating delegating is a great way failure i'm sorry mom failure delegating is a mom failure oh that's what i that's what i heard you said delegating mom fail wow you blew through that stoplight,

Jen. Oh, was there a stoplight? I'm just, I'm hardly looking. Oh. It's fine. It's probably one of your kids, right? It is. It is. It's my kid that became a cop. Hey, Mom, do you have any idea how fast you were going through that red light?

Uh, I don't, I don't know, Josh. Why don't you tell me? Mom, can you tell me the reason why you're in such a hurry today? Hey, I don't, I don't know, Josh. Why don't you tell me? Mom, can you tell me the reason why you're in such a hurry today? Hey, Josh? Yeah? Mom, why don't you step out of the car? Josh, come on.

Why don't we have you step right out of the car? Josh, I... You're going to give me that kind of trouble. All right, listen. Do you remember? I have done so much for you. Okay? Yeah.

I have done... Do you remember all that tutoring you had? I do. Who paid for that tutoring? You did. Yeah. Mom, what... Do you remember all that tutoring you had? I do. Who paid for that tutoring? You did. Mom, what do you think if everyone here in Kirkland spent that fast? You know? What kind of society would you have then?

I don't know, Josh. A fast society? You know what, Mom? I'm going to let you off with a warning today. Uh-huh. All right, Mom. You have yourself a good day. Let's pay attention to the colors of those lights and your gas is almost

gone. Okay, great to see you. Josh seems like a good cop. Yeah, he's, you know, he's just, he loves rules and, you know, just nothing. Tough but fair. Tough but fair, yeah. Is he someone whose laundry you have to do? Yes, I'm still doing his laundry. What? Wait, hold on.

Jen, there are adults all over this planet. Yeah, but, you know, sometimes I just, you know, like Josh, he just, he likes there are adults all over this planet. Yeah, but, you know, sometimes I just, you know, like, Josh, he just, he likes the way that I do his uniform. And, you know, I agree. No one really does it the same way. You don't have to. No, I do. He's a gainfully employed adult.

No, I do. I do it. I do it. I just do it. Okay. Wow. AJ. Wow. AJ. AJ.

Yeah, we were going to come back. AJ, AJ, you have a comlink in your helmet so you can talk to us when we're not together. You didn't have to come after us. You could just give us a buzz. I just saw a car pulling up and I was like, don't leave me. And I kept pushing. Yeah, well, get in. Jed, got the groceries for you all here. Thank you.

Just put them in the back of the van. What are we doing for dinner? AJ, we're not going to stick around for dinner. Jan's very busy. No, you can. You can stay for dinner. No, no, I don't. Are we with butter?

No, no. What are you making? Ranch garfun. That sounds good. Okay, not interesting. No, we should stay. You can stay. You can stay for dinner?

I don't know. AJ, come on. It's not really.. No, we should stay. You can stay. You want to stay for dinner? Uh, I don't know. Hey, Jake, come on. You know, it's not really... She's saying we can stay. No, stay. It's fine. It's fine. I don't think...

It just sounds like we're giving you another thing that you have to be responsible for. Yeah, we tried to help you by getting groceries. We can't... Yeah, I mean, no, you guys have helped. I mean, guys, she's saying that we can stay. Jan? Yeah? We will accept your invitation to dinner,

but only on the circumstance that we do all the work. Well, the dinner's already made. It's been in the crock pot since 9 a.m. Okay, but you have to let us set the table. Okay. You have to let us do the dishes. Do the dishes. You have to let us wash all the kids' hands. Okay, yeah, I can delegate. That stressed you out a little bit, Jan to let us wash all the kids' hands. Okay.

Yeah, I can delegate. That stressed you out a little bit, Jan. Yeah, that's the word, delegate. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You guys, yeah. Mm-hmm.

You're crying. Why are you crying? Yeah, Jan, are you all right? It's just, you know, washing all the kids' hands is a special thing that we do together. We sing it again. We don't have to. We sing it again. Just the dishes.

How about just the dishes? We wash, wash, wash, and the bubbles, bubbles, bubbles. It's just special. So, I just, yeah, I just feel like that's something I need to do. Totally fine. Totally fine. Totally fine. Bob, I'm not supposed to have peanuts, but David gave me peanuts.

He dared me to. He dared me to give him peanuts. Okay, all right. Does anybody have... Yeah, but I didn't think he'd actually give you the peanuts. Does anybody have a peppy pen? I actually have a compartment here. Can you just shoot it into his leg?

You okay with that? Yeah, that's fine. Just shoot it into his leg? Okay. Oh. Right? Oh. Should be all better.

Mom. Oh. Why did he get a peppy pen? I want a peppy pen. I want a peppy pen. Wait, so what is... Do you have any more peppy pens? Can did he get a peppy pen? I want a peppy pen! Do you have any more peppy pens? AJ! Can you give him all peppy pens? AJ!

Just give him all peppy pens. All right. Well, look at that. We're here at the swim meet. Oh, wow. Great. Okay. I'm going to go grab some of the kids,

and you guys can just make room in the van. Sure. Yeah, sure thing. Okay. I have to to go grab some of the kids, and you guys can just make room in the van. Sure, yeah, sure thing. Okay. I have to sign it now, so. We, I don't know if we're ever going to get anything out of Jan. She seems criminally overworked. Hey, hey, it's our mom's birthday.

We signed a card. It's your mom's birthday today? I know. Oh, no. Signed a card. Oh, do you think she's going to make cake? Oh, no. Sign the card. Do you think she's going to make cake? No, stop. AJ, come on.

She should not have to make her own birthday cake. This is how busy she is on her birthday. Oh, my God. I feel terrible. Surprise. Surprise. It's not a swim meet. I just picked up some balloons for myself.

It's my birthday, and I threw myself a surprise party. Wait, that's so lovely that you took time out of your balloons for myself. It's my birthday and I threw myself a surprise party. That's so lovely that you took time out of your day for yourself. That's important. It's not selfish. I just picked up a few balloons. These balloons are for you, right? Well, I mean, I got them because the kids like them.

Oh, Jan. And that was my birthday celebration. All right, let's go. I'm sorry. I hand wash it just I don't like the way the dishwasher it's kind of like the it gets it makes things look foggy sure sure yeah so I just hand wash three different plates well it's great uh do we eat your children is that was those your children those garfun hey jay what it was still they were delicious I just want to say if they they were your kids, they were really good. No, no, no, no, no. We're not eating my children.

Thank you. No, we get it shipped in from another planet. So Kirkland doesn't have its own farms. Well, Kirkland has, like, Kirkland's the name. But then, you know, it's kind of like a generic product that comes in. We're importing it, and then we're putting the Kirkland name on it. Sure. That makes sense.

It was so good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I didn't get any, so I don't know. What? Jen, you have to eat something. I'm going to have a banana.

Let me make you something. No. No, don't make more dishes. Stop. No, absolutely not. Jen, I will make it, and I will wash the. No. I don't know. Don't make more dishes. Stop. No, absolutely not. Jan, I will make it and I will wash the dishes myself. I promise. Just get me a Slimmy Quick.

It's just a can. Jan, no, no, no, no. The chocolate malt. Chocolate malt. Jan, you have to eat a real meal. Oh, that's fine. I've been living off Slimmy Fest for years. Jan, what is your favorite food?

Oh, I don't know. Tater Tots. No, that's not your children's favorite. That's grape cut in half. A cup of milk. Jan, think back before you had kids. What did you love to eat? Oh, gosh.

I can't remember. I can't remember the time. All right. Well, Jan, I'm just going to whip up something for you. I was a chef in a previous incarnation, so just going to whip up something for you. I was a chef in a previous incarnation, so allow me to just do this for you. I don't deserve it.

Hey, Jan. Oh, what's that alarm sound? Oh, that's just signaling all the children to go to bed. Can I wait till the next commercial? Read us a story. Um, okay.

All right. I never learned to self-soothe, so I'm happy to get this story right now. All right. One Gurp. Two Gurp. Red Gurp. Blue Gurp. One Gurp.

Two Gurps. Four Gurps. Oh, no Gurps. Oh, my. Wow. I don't think I want kids. Dara, I don't think it's like this for everybody. Life is not their own anymore.

She has nine million kids, Dara. Too many. If I almost had any species, that's extremely high number. That doesn't count the vegetation or the animals on the planet. I don't even know how many kids she has. C-53, listen, I mean, it's amazing that she can care for this many offspring while also being an oracle. Jan is incredibly powerful, and we know she hates the Emperor.

We need her help. No doubt she's extremely powerful, but it just seems like there's a lot of her. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's a lot of work. Okay, the kids are what I mean? Yeah. It's a lot of work. Okay, the kids are sleeping. The kids on this side of the planet are sleeping.

I have 15 minutes before the other side of the planet wakes up and needs to get off to school. Okay. Not a lot of time. 15 minutes. It's 15 minutes. It's actually a lot of time. I can get a lot done. I believe you can go.

I get a lot done in these 15 minutes. I sleep. I do laundry. I prepare tomorrow's dinner. So this a lot done in these 15 minutes. I sleep. I do laundry. I prepare tomorrow's dinner. So this is the me time. All right. AJ. AJ, wake up.

No, AJ, you have... No, please. Let him sleep. All right. Jan, I hope you like Garfunkel orange. I just prepared this. What is this? This is just a little something.

I've done this in recipe. I created myself. Oh, my God. Jan, are you this? This is just a little something. I've got a recipe I created myself. Oh my rod. Jen, are you crying? I'm sorry. Wait, this is warm? Yeah, I just put it in the oven. It's hot.

Should we make it cold? Why would we? No, it's meant to be. Do you want a bite? Here, everyone have a bite. No, no, no. I'm so full. I'm full of ranch car fun. I just, I'm going to eat this all by myself.

It's for you, Jenna. That's who it's for. It's for me. We can split it if you want. AJ! Oh, you're awake now, AJ? No. No.

Okay. Would you want a little bite? I mean, you can just have a little bite. I didn't want to split it. AJ! AJ, please. Yeah, I'll split it. AJ.

Okay, no. AJ, I'm doing it. No, eat it all yourself. Oh my gosh, this is so good. Uncross your arms, no. No, you're all yourself. Oh my gosh, this is so good. Uncross your arms, AJ. Are you rolling your eyes? No, how do you tell? Jan, thank you.

Thank you for all that you do on this planet. Well, no, I don't. I'm just a mom. At the end of the day, I'm just a mom. You know, the thing. You are a Roddus. You are a Roddus. You are a Roddus. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thank you. I mean, you know, aren't all moms Rodduses? I am actually a Roddus and a mom, but aren't we all? Yeah. But you more so than most moms. You literally. Right. Literally.

I mean, you're all knowing. Sure. This planet literally would not exist. It would be a barren rock without you. That's right. Kirkland would not be here. As a mom of so many people, you sort of keep Kirkland in business, as it were. Yeah, I do.

Oh, I definitely keep it in business. Yeah. Dar, how are you feeling? I mean. Do you want some water? How much water have you had today? I should be drinking water? Yes, you should be drinking 72 ounces of water a day.

Do our species drink sand, actually? Oh, well, you need some sand. I guess I just hadn't thought that I... Where is this all written down? You know, like, where's the pamphlet? I know. Or is it a book? Because I don't really have time for a book. No.

Where could I synthesize this knowledge? Could I just live here? Could I just stay here and you could just tell me how I'm supposed to do this? Star, we can't impose on Jan anymore. Star, I have all the answers. I know the future. Oh, thank Rodis. Let's hear it.

But I don't want to take away your journey. If I tell you everything, then you can't experience your journey in the moment. And that's what I've had to say to a lot of my children, you know, Toad especially. You know, you're a reptile. You have to live in the lake with other reptiles. You literally need the water to survive. Yeah, that's important. But, you know, Dar, the thing is, is that everyone is different.

Every species is different. But my body, I've been told my body should look a certain way at this point. Dar, where did you hear that? Well, I follow a lot of different mom vlogs. A particularly opinionated mommy vlogger believes that, you know, every gestating body should look a certain way, and mine does not look that way, so I'm freaking out. You don't even know what species the other parent is.

You can't put those expectations on yourself. When you're doing this alone, you just kind of get trapped in your own, apparently very small head, very tiny. Oh, yeah. I get trapped in my helmet sometimes. I think that's a different issue, AJ. I think maybe your head doesn't have the right pressure lock on right now. Yeah, sometimes it's trapped in a mechanism.

Are those on tight? Are your head straps on okay? AJ, you... Yeah, they're on your head straps on okay. Okay, so it's fine. I'm actually fine. It's going to be fine. We're fine.

Dara, Dara, Dara, your head is growing again. I'm filling out. Wow. I really honestly shouldn't have been worried. I was probably worrying myself into freaking out even more, and this is why my body. You know, Jan, I really, I hate to even ask you this, but I know you got a lot going on on your planet here. Not really. No, you do.

You do. Seems like you do. As much as any mom has going on. It's not really us. We're all juggling a lot of balls in the air. Oh, it's... Seems more balls. I mean, it almost seems silly, but the rest of the galaxy is in danger.

Who's in danger? Wait, Toad? No, no, the rest of the galaxy. What did he do? The rest of the galaxy. David, did he eat... No, no, every planet except this one. What did he do? The rest of the galaxy. David, did he eat more? No, no, every planet except this one. Josh, because, you know, he puts up a strong front.

He's a cop, but really he's really sensitive. Josh is going to be fine. Josh seems like he's okay. Josh is going to be fine. So who's in trouble? Everyone, literally everyone. Was it my fault? No, no.

What did I do wrong? What did I do? Jan, listen, there's an emperor, okay? There's a new emperor. And your name was on a list of dissidents. Yeah, the emperor. I'm very familiar with him. We met at a PTA meeting.

Planetary Teachers Association. That's right. The emperor has, you know, he's just pulled a lot of strings that have affected my children. Yeah, they had some, you know, all his kids got into PS19. So then, PS19, once they all got in, Planetary School. I couldn't get any of my kids in.

Oh, I'm so sorry. There were some auditions for some local community theater, and they were rigged. Yeah, his children well it was all his kids were the leading roles and toad for instance who listen has a great voice well he was um bunny number two that's in the chorus sure i. I'm sorry.

I mean, I cried. And he also, you know, murdered his best friends and destroyed the rebellion. I mean, that's sort of my big grievance with him, but kind of that's just my perspective. Listen, you know, I hate to even ask you to do a single thing more than you're already doing. I'm available. Well, okay. If there's anything you could give us you know just with your sort of omniscience kind of give us anything that would help us out in our battle against the

emperor okay all right i do i have i'm i'm having my downtime you know i am somewhat more relaxed the kids are sleeping on this side of the planet all right uh i'm thinking and I'm seeing it's a password. Yes. Yes. Yes. Great. The password is bumpy road 168

168 capital B capital R. Okay. Capital B lowercase umpy capital R. Okay. So capital B, lowercase, ump B, capital R, lowercase, 0, 168. 168. That's the password they need. Jan, Jan. This is huge.

This is huge. Is it? Stop. No. This is, honestly, no one else could have done this. It's not a big deal. Elsa, can you tell us what Bargy did? Yeah, I don't feel comfortable actually repeating it.

I don't think it's something I... Oof. Yeah, sure. You know what I mean? Okay. All right. That's pretty much what we thought. I wish I didn't.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't all-knowing. Yeah. Gotcha. Just stay away from any horny doctors. Okay. Yeah. I know that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.ny doctors. Okay, yeah. Can I come with you? Yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, just steer clear. Thanks. And that's advice I give all my children. Sure. Oh, okay, all right. That's the west side of the planet. I've got to go.

I've got a lot of kids. I've got to get off to school. This is, it's pack your own lunch day, so I've got to make a lot of lunches. Oh, boy. I've got to get everybody up. I've got to get everybody dressed. It's also that, I, it's pack your own lunch day. So I gotta, I gotta make a lot of lunches. Oh boy. I gotta get everybody up. I gotta get everybody dressed. It's also that, uh, I think it's crazy hair day. So I gotta do everyone's.

You gotta tell your kids who are in charge of these school days to give you a break. Well, it's, you know, it's spirit week. What am I going to do? You have so much fun. It's a spirit week. You have so much fun. Spirit week rules. Yeah.

AJ. AJ, stop eating her food. She's not eating it. That is for her. She's in the middle of talking. It's fine. It's fine. If he's hungry, he might be really hungry.

He might be growing through a growth spurt. AJ! He's going through a growth spurt. Nermit, great news. The trip to Kirkland was a success. We have incredibly valuable information in the form of a Zima Prime membership password. No way! Oh, man! Jan really came through.

It's apparently Jan. Not Jan, Jan. Yeah, you should update that pronunciation. Yeah, man. Jan really came through. It's apparently Jan. Not Jan. It's Jan. Yeah, you should update that pronunciation. Yeah, yeah. That's a hard J. Also, technically, we have 9 million people who are willing to fight against the emperor. You know, we have sort of like a, I would say, kind of like a suburban passive aggression behind us.

Yeah. If we need it. All right, let's try that. Also, lots of huge bags of tortilla chips. And like a tub of peanut butter filled pretzel bites. Wow. Wow, cool. How big a bag of chips are we talking?

Bigger than you could ever get through before they went stale. Are you saying like twice the size of the size I'm imagining? Yes. Whoa. Easily. That's so big. All right, all twice the size of the size I'm imagining? Yes. Whoa! Easily. That's so big! Alright, alright, alright. Let's give it a shot. Let's try the password. Alright, here we go. Nubs crossed.

Capital B, umpy. Capital R, owed. 168. Alright, guys. Oh! We are in. How about I have to put my script and my new signs onto every single monitor? No, no, Bargy. Remember, Park, it's a very important other part.

This time it's for the rule of a person who once saw a person get eaten alive. You go first. Bargy, we're sort of on the... You're playing the role of horny doctor. Oh, no. How many of these films are there? Also, Bargy, we received some very knowledgeable advice that you should avoid these pictures.

Who said that? Jan. Jan, the oracle on Portland. What does she know? She knows the future. She probably knows that horny doctors are out and it's all about horny lawyers now. Oh, good, because that's for my next book.

Okay. I'll read with you. I can read with you. Oh, AJ. Huh. Objection. That was good. Your honor,

I have an erection. Erection? Oh, I need to. I probably should mention my role has no lines, so it's just all facial.

But this is a monologue. Wait, facial? I mean, it's all like... It's all reaction shots. It's all reaction shots. You don't have a face. Really? Look at me wink.

It's the Baji wink. I heard that, but I'm not looking at whatever just winked. Oh, my blue face, my blue face. Yeah, I'm not seeing what's happening. I can hear things clanking outside the ship, but I don't... The face of someone who during a financial boom decided to deposit money into the wrong hands

and it ended up probably going in so deep that she told like a bunch of people to assassinate the head of a cartel and it ended up kind of getting back. She never realized that murder is real. Anyway, like that's his face.

Margin is just your regular face. Yeah, like, that's his face. Margie, that's just your regular face. Yeah, so if you just a monologue. Uh, okay. This is CRIT IT 5555. It's an attribution story. Commencing outro protocol. Outro, outro, outro, outro. Pop-a-pluck protocol. Pop-a-pluck protocol.

This fucking droid. Step on it. Commencing pop-a-pluck protocol. Okay, fine. Fanto Parkour will do it. Pop-a-pluck Death Setter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Da was played by Alien Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Da was played by Ali Kokesh.

Marty the Ship, Hallie, and Toad were played by Mujan Zalfagari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nerman Vandaloy, Phillip, and Josh were played by Seth Lynn. AJ, Sam, and Jeremy were played by Winston Noel. Jan was played by special guest Morgan Grace Jarrett.

Morgan is an actress and an improviser at the Upright Citizens Brigade in New York City. Her credits include Broad City, Late Night with Seth Meyers, The Affair, and The Chris Gethard Show. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell, recorded at Braun Studios in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brendan Ryan

and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Cratchley. And ship design for the Bajarian Jade by Eric Boyce. Audio hosting by Simple Gas. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Now you work? Fine. Step on it. Hey, I'm Janet Varney. And like many of you, some more recent than others, I used to be a teenager. In fact, just about all of my friends were too, including wonderful women like Alison Brie.

I'm dead center on the balance beam. And this is like a big gym. All the kids' parents are there watching. I have to stop, like, you know, when you have to pee so bad and you can't even move. And then I just go. I just pee right in the middle of the high balance beam. So join me every week on the JV Club podcast where I speak with complicated, funny, messy humans as we reminisce about our adolescences and how they led us to becoming who we are.

Find it every Thursday on Maximum Fun. Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Patton Oswalt. So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day, and they hunt monsters at night. It's Blade meets the Odd Couple. Adam Scott and Jane Levy. Come on, Corey. She's Blade meets the Odd Couple. Adam Scott and Jane Levy. Come on, Corey.

She's too serious, too business-y. She doesn't know the hokey pokey. Won't she learn what it's all about? Busy Phillips and Dave Koechner. Baby, this is family. My Uncle Tell, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland is family.

Do you want him staying with us? He did stay with us for three months. And he was a delight. A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilots Society, from Maximum Fun. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Yeah, so I do that part too.

Jan, you are a wonder you're a rottus listen I'm just I'm just every mother I'm every mother it's all in me anything you want done baby I haven't listened to music

in so many years it's a shame it's a good song