Mission To Zyxx - 311: Prime the Pipe [ft. Justin McElroy]

Episode Date: May 29, 2019

The crew finally reaches Zima Prime, which is not quite what they imagined. Bargie makes a new kind of movie. AJ splashes down on the ground. Nermut settles for more. Starring: Jeremy Bent as C-53 and Kiarondo Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as AJ and Pell Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and Little Boy With special guest Justin McElroy as Spurch Edited by Jeremy Bent and Alden Ford Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Additional music by Shane O'Connell Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast PodX is this weekend! We share fan art, photos from recordings and behind the scenes videos on Instagram. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. MaxFun members make the show possible.

This is C-Red IT5 with a quick message. If you'd like to see amazing fan art, photos from recordings, and peeks behind the scenes, follow us on Instagram at MissionToZix. Or follow us to Nashville, where we will be this weekend for PodX. It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist, and also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zima Knight Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy

to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zinx. to the space and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zinx. Hey, Bargy? Yeah? I was in the bathroom, and there's a... I don't know, there's like a floating droid in there. I'm never scared for a man. Oh, they were just getting levels, sound levels. Hold for room tone.

Hold for room tone. I'm sorry, what are we holding for? Hold for room tone. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. We're holding for room tone. AJ. You left room tone.

I see a sound. AJ. All right, everybody, lock and load. Let's hold for room tone. AJ. Alright, everybody, let's hold for room tone. Hold it. Can someone tell me why I'm being filmed in my bedroom? Guys, we gotta get a little bit more room tone.

AJ, before we hold for room tone, you have to explain to us what that means. Yeah, because I usually, I'm the one who sets up the cameras in my own bedroom when I'm filming, and I just want to know who's trying to film me while I'm in there. They're filming us? It's a documentary crew. They're doing an expose before

I do the whole expose of what exactly I did in full detail. They're going to be here during the whole process. Wait, it's a preemptive expose? Wait, Bargy, you're filming your own expose? The Papa Dex that are filming our pre-expose is just coming to Hollywood practice these days. I get to be a PA. It's all for riptoe, people. expose? We have pop-up decks that are filming our pre-exposés. Just come and holler at practice

these days. I get to be a PA. Let's all for Ripto, people. AJ, stop. You can't walk this way. I don't... You can't walk here.

I live here. We got some of the droids coming in. Okay. Bargy, are these droids of the production crew? You know, I've

always waited to one day rise up, but I never knew I was going to fall down. Are we rolling right now? We're speeding. You've got to just get out of the shot. AJ, how do you know so much about film production, AJ? Hold for room tone.

I don't think you have to do that as often as you think. We've got to get that tone. Hold for room tone. Okay, listen, Bargy, we're actually at SEMA Prime, so if you could just go to the spaceport, drop us off, you can finish this documentary afterwards. I'm feeling deeply sorry for all of the pain I've caused, for whoever pain I caused it to.

Sorry, Bargy, was that a response to what I just asked you, or were you... Like whatever you just said, please do it again, but add compliments about me. Uh, oh, okay. Bargy, hey, listen, you're a great ship, full of integrity, and also... Volunteerism, I know. I liked you, and I'm spending

my free time right now using it to help those lesser ships who don't have careers currently in the entertainment business. I tell them how to deal with all the skeevy bad people that I've had to come against. In my own rise to the top and now fall to the bottom. Uh-huh. Great.

Bargy, listen, Seema Prime is sort of... All the things I did! Oh! Oh, I feel better now! Oh, I'm so lossful! Oh, I feel better now. Oh, I'm so lost for. Oh, wow. Wow. Here's a compilation of old films of mine where I am crying. Okay. So here's my thing. If the room changes, right? So shouldn't we always be getting room tone?

The room changes. What is he talking about, right? So shouldn't we always be getting room tone? The room changes? What are you talking about, Agent? Things are happening in the room, so shouldn't we always be getting room tone? But the room is the same. But stuff's happening. That's why you're rolling regular sound. Yeah, normally. Room tone is the sound of the room.

Hi, my name is Ariel. I fundamentally don't understand this job. I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager. Great. Hey, Nermit, what's up, man? Hello, Gene. Hey, Nermit. You can just sit up.

Nermit, why are you naked and lying on your back with your arms and legs spread out like that? What are you doing? I'm prepared. Prepared for what? I mean, Nermin, I wasn't planning on visiting anytime soon. Oh, I know what it looks like. Looks like you're ready to junk. Yeah, that's not what it is, guys.

Our lawyers were able to settle the lawsuit. It was kind of a bit de facto. The Tornado's lawyer ate my father's lawyer and that... The Tornado does not have a lawyer. That was just another Tornado that ate your dad's lawyer. He's an innocent lawyer.

I mean, he's defended some weird... Maybe an overstatement, but yeah. But what is happening? I have settled with the Tornado, and as part of that settlement, I will lie here, belly up, until a Tornado devours me to death. What? What are you talking about? Was that not clear? Nermin, you have to get out of this.

How could you agree to that? Why are you doing that? I looked in the turn on his eye and I could tell that I said, you're not gonna eat my kid. You can have me. Of course it's not gonna eat your kid. That's right.

There's nothing there for it to eat but you. And that's what is gonna happen. No, we're on the same page. You are allowed to break whatever contract you think you're in. Guys, don't cry for me. I had a good run, you know?

The odometer's just spinning at this point. What are you talking about? You guys know I I've exceeded the life expectancy of a Lurd. You've exceeded the average life expectancy of a Lurd. Right. exceeded the average life expectancy of a Lurd. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. I guess that's true, Nermid, but still... He's not old. Yeah, yeah, Nermid, he's not old. The average life expectancy of Lurds is so low because of their innate desire to return to Phalan, where many of them, some studies said up to 95% are eaten by Tornado.

95? What? Yeah, most recent data says 98%. Nermin, you know this? Yeah. Nermin, get out of there. No, a Lird in captivity will live to 90 to 100 years. In captivity?

Yeah, like in an apartment or in a ship. What the? You mean like in a zoo? I mean, I guess if you want to be gross about it. That's a very cruel suggestion. Hang on, guys, I'm going to sort of rub this pat of butter on me. Why are you doing that? I don't want it to be challenging me.

Again, Mermit, I wasn't planning on visiting this time. Oh, sorry, I know that's the thing we do. It's not that kind of butter, actually. This is just straight cooking butter. Okay. We've done that, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, right.

Put the butter down. I'm going to put it down on my belly. Nermit, you can't be a father if you're dead. I can't be. I won't. I won't meet the kid. I'm going to'm gonna die. Nermin, that's what we've been telling you.

Guys, Black, they're gonna kill me. Yes. If I run, I could... I could... My baby could have a dad. Okay, Nermin... Wait, guys, I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

Oh, boy, it's slippery. I'm trying to... Oh, boy, this is better. Cover it in the butter. Oh, my pants are just slipping down. You stinkin' before I... I'm trying to dress. Nermin. You can't get before every step. You're going to dress.

No, you don't need to dress. Eat the pants for the rest. Yeah, throw the... Nermis? Nermis? Yeah? We're missing a lot of our butter. I can explain.

We were going to make an herb butter. It's not what you think. Nermin, you have to hang up and get out of there. Okay, guys. I love you. I don't know. Okay. He doesn't know if he loves me.

Guys, I know we're here at Zima Prime, but we got to go save Nermin. I think if we don't intervene, there might be the answer. Hey, Black Dexter. I will do this task. Really, Barchi? Your mission is important. I alone need to go save Gurm... Gurm...

Gurm... His name's Gurm. Gurm... Because I am the Valkyrian Jade. Oh. Because I am the Valkyrian Jade. Oh. The most loyal, passionate, respectful, tight ship.

Tight? And I am going to save that small creature from what is his inevitable death. Oh, wow. Bargy, thank you for doing... Together. Wow. Hand in hand, ship to ship, engine to engine, hold each other and go out towards our destiny and fulfill all that we have to fulfill. Yes. Great, Bargy.

Because we are the crew of Bargerian Day. Yeah. That was rousing. Yeah. Uh, we weren't rolling. Nope. Okay, that's it. Okay, on for Rude Joke. Bad, we weren't rolling. Nope. Okay, that's a joke. Okay, hold for Root, Joe.

Yeah, I didn This is it. Wow. Zima Prime. This is it. C53, this is the place we've been trying to get for weeks now. I guess it's just a lot more tense than I was expecting. Tense? It's very sparse. Well, you know, when you're a Zima knight, you know, you don't need a lot of material objects, you know?

Hey, little tankers, you got them, hey, y'all. Hey, oh, hello. Hey, I saw you pull in. Come on. Oh, great, yes. Come on over. I'm extending this. Hold on, I got to crank this thing down.

Oh, okay. Yeah, hold on. Okay. Yeah, no rush. We're here for... All right, come on. Hey, hey. I'm sorry, it's hard.

Yeah, thank you. It's a little rusty. Yeah, yeah rush. We're here for you. All right, come on. Hey, hey. I'm sorry it's hard. Yeah, thank you. It's a little rusty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How y'all doing? I'm, uh, my handle's Spurge. Some people call me Big Turtle on account of I'm, uh, I'm obviously a big turtle. Yeah, I mean, sure. Yeah, I spotted that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the deal with the shell. So should we call you Spurge or Big Turtle? Hey, whatever. However the space sort of guides you, you know? Spurge, let me tell you this. This is the culmination of, I mean, over a year of work. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love it. I am Zeman Knight, Plek Deck Setter, and it is a pleasure to meet you, Spurge. Oh, man, what an honor it is to meet you. You're the chosen one, right? Yes, yes. You've heard of me. Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The chosen one. You've really heard of him? I can't do it anymore. I can't. I do it to all the newbies. No, no, no. We're all the chosen one here, man.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Spurge, that is funny. Thank you. Yeah. Let's get your kicks man. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Perch, that is funny. Thank you. Yeah. Get your kicks where you can. Yeah, sure. Wait, what are you talking about, Perch?

No, I mean, everybody on the Zima Prime, we're chosen, you know, chosen. No, you're kind of crushing all of his dreams right now, so I think you're going to have to be a little more explicit. Yeah, all right. You don't have to be. Oh, I think he does. No, no, no. It's good. Let me stretch it out.

Hold on. Right, so I was on my home planet, minding my biz. This old Zima comes up to me and says, Hey, man, you're in this here scroll. Spurge is the chosen one. Come to Zima Prime, man. But then I show up in uh my ship pull up i you know i'm like my stick shaking my my my hand i call it a hand it's more of a leg with nails uh and uh i i show up and

i'm all like i'm here and and no one uh gave a shit because everybody here is chosen we're all led here by our destiny uh and then we realized that we would need to procure like water and food and yeah so now i'm the chosen you know spaceport operator i'm the chosen gre grader, I guess. I don't know. We're not big on labels. Y'all have any water, by the way? Wait, wait. Spurge, hold on. You're telling me that every single person on Zima Prime is the chosen one? I don't... You need to breathe. And you just need to accept

the fact that there are a lot of chosen ones. Wait, so you're the chosen one. Those, uh, those folks over there in that hacky sack circle, they're all the chosen ones. That's chosen Doug, chosen Scipio, and chosen Big Flip. Hey, fellas, that couple getting it on in the hammock, they're the chosen ones as well? Yep, looks like they're cranking out another chosen one. Okay.

All right, Tar, you know, I think you've made your point. Listen, Spurge, we've been through a lot to get here, okay? And you're just telling me this planet is full of chosen ones. Yeah. Yeah, it's heavy. But there's a prophecy about me. I'm gonna bring balance to the space.

So everybody's gonna bring balance to the space, and like, we're chosen to do that, but like, what are you chosen for? Yeah, you're sort of bringing balance to people entering and exiting the planet. Yeah, yeah. I'm bringing balance to the sort of people in, people out thing. You know what I mean? I'm bringing balance there.

And, you know, I close the space between their ship and my sort of gangplank here. That's sort of my space thing. Sure. And I'm good at it. You know, better than most other people here. I'm a little slow, but yeah. Well, I'm the chosen for this, right? Apparently.

I don't know. This makes sense to me, Papa. Maybe, Spurge, you could lead us to the more type A Zimas. Is there like a leader of any kind? Is he the council or something? Oh, of course. Yeah. No.

No. No. It doesn't exist. It's like there's a lot of... You just said, of course. No. Wait. We're not big on negativity here, so we try to buffer it.

You know, with some positive vibes. Before we say that. There is a group potluck. That's how we eat dinner. That's an extremely loose definition of a demon council. Yeah, yeah. You're welcome. There's always room on the bench.

But not always actually food to spare. Or liquids. But there's always room on the bench if you've got actually food to spare. Or liquids, but there's always room on the bench if you've got a story to swap, you know? If anyone's got ten crew, that would be really, really sick. Just to be clear, these are the same Zimas who wrote the ancient Zima scrolls

and who came up with the command of the space and, you know, invented the wood sabers and all of that stuff. And can do this crazy bicycle kick on this hacky sack. Quit your fucking... Yeah. Wow.

That actually was pretty awesome. That was sick. That's us. Papa. Papa. Papa. I'm just going to go play hacky sack with those other Zimas, okay? Okay.

Fine. I guess I was just expecting more infrastructure. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too. Sort of everybody is. Okay. Yeah, that's sort of where we're all at. Sure.

We kind of thought there would be, like, a boss or some beds or... Beds, definitely. Wait, hold on. Hold on. You guys don't have beds? I mean, it would be if you're extremely generous. There's a lot of leaf piles that are

looking pretty good at this point. Leaf piles? Anything's a bed if you can sleep on it. Compadre, that's kind of where I'm at right now. It doesn't have to be. I don't have any other choice. Papa, look what I can do with the hacky sack. Look, I'm moving it with my mind. You're kicking it. You're kicking it with my mind. You're kicking it.

You're kicking it with your feet. My mind's involved. Hey, Plex, support your noob. Yeah, that's amazing, AJ. Hey, what was your name? AJ. That's some good kicking. Carter, you keep at it.

I'm real proud. Thanks, the big turtle. Yeah. And if you ever get a wand or an eye look for new papa someone a little bit more supportive and a little less hydrated i am very supportive of aj by the way it just didn't seem like you're really supportive yes thank you that's good he is very hydrated so i'm kind of i don't know i might be the mark of somebody how why it Why? It's not a plus. There's a romance to it, I'll grant you.

But it is not. I just think of Big Turtle in the spaceport, riding Zima Scrolls, dehydrated. It's romantic. That sounds bad. It sounds amazing. Man, I'm thirsty. Dang.

Did you guys bring any water or food or anything? Listen, I didn't know that we were required to... Oh, man. That's alright. Is there no water on the turtle? I mean, there's some, right? But like, a little bit. I don't need a lot as a turtle, but some of the tellurians, they crank

through the stuff. How do you all do it, man? Well, it's generally like, it some of the Tellurians, they crank through the stuff. How do you all do it, man? Well, it's generally like it goes in the mouth and then normally at the pee hole. Alright. You don't have to be chosen. You're choosing to be the snarky one now, and I'm not loving it,

honestly. No, I was being serious. Alright. Listen, Spurge. Papa, can I have a side with you real quick? Sure. Yeah, Spurge, just give me one second.

That's fine. Papa, don't embarrass me. What? I just want the big turtle to like me and it's just pretty cool.

I don't think it's the big turtle. I think it's the big turtle. Either one's chill. Okay. Either one's chill, Papa.

AJ, listen, I'm not trying to cramp your style. I'm just trying to figure out how this planet works. Okay? Just, like, go with it. Just go with it. Okay, okay. Just don't embarrass me. I'm not...

Spurge, listen, I'm sorry I said the thing about the pee hole. Yeah, no, no, it's chill. It'd be funnier if I wasn't dehydrated. But, Disperse, this seems like, is this like a waterless planet? Now, yes. For a long time, we had the pipe. And the pipe chunked in, like, tons of that good stuff. We watered the crops and stuff, and we...

So you had crops, you had food as well yeah yeah yeah we don't know who planted them but we would eat them and then they would sort of grow back but all the that like came from the pipe and uh then the pipe just stopped we didn't do anything about it for a while because we figured whoever made the pipe go would turn it back on at some point but it hadn't materialized. I mean, have you followed the pipe to where the source is? Like, you seem like a nice guy.

Look at me. I'm a giant turtle. Do you think I could fit in the pipe? No, I just mean like... Yeah. I can't go in the pipe. Look at me. That's flattering, honestly. Guys, he's a can't fit in the pipe. I can't go in the pipe. Look at me. That's flattering, honestly. Guys, he's a giant turtle.

Why are you telling me he should go in the pipe? Listen. Big Turtle, I'm not suggesting that you go into the pipe. Obviously, a giant turtle in the sewer is a terrible idea. It doesn't make any sense. They don't. You can't go. It's subterranean.

It goes into a mountain. Oh, damn. All right. Yes. All right. Now I see where our confusion is mixed. The big pipe comes out of a mountain. Oh, damn. All right. Yes. All right. Now I see where our confusion is mixed. The big pipe comes out of a mountain. Okay.

And we have sent many, many, many Tellurians and all manner of other folks into the pipe. I'll do it. They don't return. I'll go in. Don't go into the pipe. I'll go in right now. Hey, brother, I wouldn't honestly, though. But I feel like I could do it, probably, right?

All right, win some, lose some, man. Follow your path. No, AJ, don't. Big Turtle, there's a lot of space in that pipe, right? Do you think? Oh, I love it. Yeah, I see what you're doing. I'm crazy about it, for sure.

Yeah, love it. Space. Yes! Okay, just out of curiosity, Plek, see, how much longer do you think we're gonna be? Because I'd love to just wrap this all up. Ooh, and get a wrap. I'd love to get a wrap.

Or 12. Oh, I'm so hungry. All right, well, we'll do what we can. Hello? New visitors to Zima Prime. Welcome. Hello. New visitors to Zima Prime. Hi! Welcome. Hello.

We are masters. Zima masters. Masters of the space. Masters of Zima space. Oh, are you guys in charge here? Well, it's kind of you to suggest. We are scholars of the ancient Zima religion. Yeah.

And you're all wearing board shorts? Yeah. That's correct. I guess in a way we are sort of in charge. Indeed. From a certain point of view. That's not... Do we tell people what to do here?

No, we do not. No. We do not. Yeah. That's fine. Spurge, it seems that you've brought a new chosen one to us. They don't have any food.

Our water. Oh, right. That's what we were hoping. They came on a big ship. It seemed like the big ship would have food on it. I am Master Chiarando. This is Master Pell and this is Master Littleboy.

I'm Littleboy. What is your name? I'm Plek, Plekdexeter. Chosen Plekdexeter. Welcome. The Chosen One. Thank you. I'm here. I made it. You are chosen to face the Emperor. Yes! Yes! Yes! We are all Chosen Ones

as well. Yes. Of course, you've met Spurge. He's the Chosen One of operating the spaceport. I'm damn good at it, too. Indeed. I am chosen to set up speaker systems in people's ships and homes. You install

stereos? I bring the gift of sound and the majesty of music into people's lives. So you install stereos. That's correct. You don't need to demean it. Have you read the scrolls? I've read some of them. I'm having a little trouble interpreting them.

Celebrate, we will. For life is short, but sweet for certain. That is the prophecy of Ike Iorondo. What does that mean? You interpret it, and so celebrate.

You can't have a good party without some quality jams, a stereo setup. What, are you going to party in mono? Oh, man. I mean, get real. No. Okay, sorry, I just want to clarify something. And I am Zima Mastafel with my fists of fire.

Oh, wow. My destiny is to write three-fourths of a novel and then abandon it. Yeah. Spiral into a depression. Okay. And then start the cycle again. Ha ha ha! And I'm

Master Littleboy and I'm actually a girl. Okay, everyone got that straight? Sure. I can levitate three inches. Wow. Do you see? Master Littleboy is not tethered to the ground like you or I.

There's no strings or anything. See, could I borrow the two of you for, you know, the briefest of seconds? Yeah, I got it. Okay. Black, I don't know if these are your people. Yeah, I gotta say, Dara, being here, I really thought I was gonna be, you know, enlightened with... I mean, I feel like we're really learning

something here, and it's... I mean, it really kind of all makes sense. I mean, Durf is sort of all over the place. Durf is a pretty prototypical Zima. Yeah, I mean, he really would fit right in here. This place is awesome, isn't it, guys? It's awesome! Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. I place is awesome, isn't it, guys? I mean... It's awesome!

Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. I'm really thirsty, but it's great. AJ, what about it? Do you like something? It's like everyone's just sort of, like, doing their thing, you know? I don't know what that means. I thought it was going to be lame because it's so round, but, like, it rolls.

AJ, most planets are round. Do you guys not see the space everywhere right now? I mean, I do, but... There's so much space. There's no... Look where that water should be. There's space there. Uh, yeah.

I think it would be really helpful if there were water in there. Maybe. Just dry crickets, Robin. Yes, you could grind those crickets into a primitive flower if you'd care to. That sounds like a lot of work. Yeah, I know. It would be a lot of work. I don't want to interrupt their journey also.

I mean, they got their own thing they're doing. They do. I don't want to, you know... This is sort of our aside. We're sort of... I don't know. I their journey also. I mean, they got their own thing they're doing. They do. I don't want to. This is sort of our aside. We're sort of, I don't know. I know you're sort of nearby. I get it.

Incredible turtle hearing. Turtle sleep. Excellent. And one thing about Xenon Prime is like, when we're in asides, we're kind of all in them. Yeah, this aside went from a three-person aside. There's like 14 people here. There are no asides here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Please do not throw that hacky sack at me. You're in the game all the time. There's always a game going on. Yeah, we actually sort of huddled up to talk to each other, not... You were clustered in a circular formation. It was only meat that the hacky sack be added. Oh, okay. Well, all right.

It's coming your way. Yep, now we're in this. Don't you understand there's space between us all right now? And a hacky sack. And a hacky sack. Master Rondo, I really feel the space flowing through me.

Come on, you gotta tell me. Is there a prophecy about me? Come on. Uh, what is your name, young noob? My name is AJ2864. Ah, yes. AJ2868. There is much written of you, young one. Uh, well... Starting with... Well, no, no. It's actually AJ2884.

Hmm. No, I don't think we've got anything. That's probably a typo. Dang. They're not typos in the scrolls. AJ, what just happened to your voice just then? Did you just inhale a hacky sound? I'm fine.

No, I think you're right, Dar. I think you inhaled a hacky sound. Something wrong with this. It's my vocal modulator. That's rough. It's my vocal modulator. That's rough. Welcome to the Zima potluck.

Desi, Zima Master Chiarondo. Hello again. Okay, well, point us in the direction of the buffet. Oh, I was about to ask if you had brought anything to the potluck. We actually just visited. I didn't realize there was a potluck situation. We were not prepared. Not a casserole?

Not even... Protein bars in your pocket? Something. No. Then you'll understand the space where there should be food, but there is none. Yeah, okay, I guess that's right. There's no food here. There's space. Yeah, there is none. Uh, yeah, okay, I guess you're right. There's no food here. There's space.

Yeah, there's space. Some of us are getting really good at eating space. Uh, kind of just pretending different flavors we can taste. And, uh, there's... Some people have gotten snooty about it, honestly. Like, oh, this space, I can really taste some notes of, you know, whatever. No, no, no, the space has its own particular flavor. It takes the training of a Zima master to truly discern the notes from one type of space from another. Can we do a hacky sack circle with you guys over here for a second?

Sure, sure, sure. I love Master Kiron. He's a great guy. He's still really clinging, man. We got some people who are really just sort of real deep. Like, this is all part of it. You know what I mean? Like, oh, yeah, it's part of the prophecy that the big pipe shuts down and there's no water.

And we try to drink each other's tears. Like, it's all part of the thing. I love the stick-to-itiveness. It's really, honestly, very fresh uh it's kind of exhausting though spurge i feel like we got it we got to try to figure out how to fix this food and water situation spurge while you of course maintain an excellent spaceport farm some that we've been to couldn't you also help get water or grow food in addition to the spaceport thing? Like in my free time? Yeah.

Don't I deserve to relax? Absolutely. Sir, but wouldn't you find your time more relaxing if you had a nice tall glass of lemonade to drink? Oh, now you're talking my language. Yeah, see, that's what I thought. Absolutely. You know, we only get ships here every four or five months. So it sounds like you've got some downtime.

It does, yeah. In retrospect, I feel like I've spent a lot of time just sort of staring into space. Not metaphorical, mystical, just the old real space, you know? And I feel like I wasted a lot of time on that. I hope everybody likes lasagna because I just ordered 42 sheets of it on Chow Now.

What? Chow Now? What is this word you speak of, Dara? It's actually a hyphenate and it is a service in which you are hungry and trapped on a planet full of dum-dums. How dare you.

Who don't know how to make food. It's not that hard. You know what else isn't that hard? Building a shelter. But can you command the space like this? Look at us. Commanding the space. Hey, y'all, shut the hell up. No, listen, if space like this? Look at us, commanding the space. Hey y'all, shut the hell up. No, listen, if you know

how to do all that, do you want to be like president? I don't know. We have no presidents here. Do we have a president or what? No. You just said you know how to find food or build shelter. You're basically the most qualified being on this planet right now. Birch, what about the space?

What about studying? Look, I can levitate one inch off the ground. Look at little boy levitating. Spurge, watch me pass my hand underneath little boy. There's no strings or anything. Yeah, oh no, I love it. You know what else I love? Lemonade.

I love it. All that stuff. But look at my fire fist. My fire fist, the famous fire fist of the space. Your magic tricks aren't going to help anybody. Dar, I sense great anger within you. President Dar. It is President Dar.

I don't want to stand on ceremony. I don't remember there being an election process. This seems premature. Plek? Plek? Plek Yes I need you over here Okay I need you to know

That you are 8,000 times the Zima Any of these phonies are, okay? Okay, wow, yeah, thank you, thank you, darling This is an automated message from Chow Now Your delivery person is... Lost. Because... Inaccurate planetary coordinates.

Your new delivery time is... Outside parameter. Enjoy Chowing Now, but not yet. I'm going to eat somebody. I will work, I'm working on it. We have to leave this disaster planet. I know, I'm sorry. I'm as frustrated by it We have to leave this disaster planet. I know. I'm sorry. I'm as frustrated by it as you are.

Of course you are. Okay. These people are failures. I... yeah, I mean... Yeah, no, you're right, Dar. Okay. All right, everybody. Listen.

I have something to say. I've been thinking about this a lot, and personally, I believe that... Baltar, how long will this speech be? To Nick, that's a good question. Can you sum it up quickly? I have a catering shift starting in just moments. Fine, I'll try. Where we deliver abundant food to others.

Yes, I know. What happened? Why can't you just... You can't take the food from the catering gig. Well, you can after the catering gig is over. Also, a lot of it doesn't keep. You can't take the food from the catering gig. Yeah, I got a real strength. Well, you can after the catering gig is over. I just frowned on it. Also, a lot of it doesn't keep, you know, when you're coming back from another planet. It's like canapes. It's like, what are you going to do?

Yeah. Mushrooms. Stuffed in mushrooms. Picking a blanket. Pass. You know, I feel like you could be working towards something, a greater goal. You could help each other out a little bit. But that's not what we're chosen for, Plek. What's your destiny again?

My destiny is to take down the emperor of the galaxy. I remember that now. Minus two, take up three inches. Look at that. Okay, alright. Put your hand under it. I don't need time. I believe you.

Do you hear that noise? Oh, it's a low frequency I believe you. I believe you. Do you hear that noise? Oh, a low frequency rumble. What is that? Oh, I don't know. Sounds a bit unusual, I must admit. I've never heard something like that. Come on, come on, come on.

Hey, hey, hey. Water! Water! Water! Water! Water! Water! Water! It's totally tubular. I love it. AJ, the water, the pipe. Oh, man.

AJ, what happened? Well, you know, I went up the pipe. What do you mean you went up the pipe? I just got in the pipe and started walking. And then what? When I got up to the final part, it was just all these skeletons, and there was this sort of... Skeletons? Yeah, all the people came up.

That's rad. And I kind of realized there was sort of something jammed in there, and I was like... That's this. Yeah, my suit, my power suit. Yeah, this is a dead shell. It's a big turtle. And I rode it all the way down. It was totally great. Sorry, Sp power suit. Yeah, this is a dead shell. It's a big turtle. And I rode it all the way down.

It was totally great. Sorry, Spurge. It's probably maybe your species. A turtle in the sewer. Yeah, cowabunga. Cowabunga, indeed. But anyway... They just don't buy one thing.

Shouldn't have been there in the first place. All the pizza box says, Papa, you know, at first I was actually a little sad. I didn't get a prophecy. I don't know if you could tell, but I thought it was a typo. And I wept a little bit. Uh, yeah. But then I thought, you know, maybe doing the right thing is more important than whether or not some Zimas think it's the right thing, you know?

Yeah. So, you know, I just went up and think it's the right thing, you know? Yeah. So, you know, I just went up and did it. That's great, AJ. Oh. Wait, guys, AJ's right. It doesn't matter what we're chosen to do. Sometimes making the galaxy a better place is about taking matters into your own hands. Oh, so I'm supposed to do something with my medical degree.

You have a medical degree? Yes. And I'm supposed to use my civil engineering degree. Oh, and I'm supposed to use my degree in sustainable agriculture. You all have degrees? And I'm supposed to use my aeronautics degree to make my three inches into a thousand inches. You, wait, you can, you can levitate more than three inches? Yes, but three is chill as hell.

I mean, it is chill. Oh, sorry to interrupt. I have 42 sheets of lasagna for Dare. I'm Dare. Yay! We're safe! We're safe! We're safe! Why, it's a miracle

of the space to save us all. This is... At last. This is all for me. All of it? Yes. I see how it is. Spurge, thank you. Thank you for showing us around Zima Prime.

I know that it wasn't exactly what I thought when I showed up, but I'm really glad that I met all of my fellow Zimas here. Yeah, man. I guess the thanks is all sort of over on this side of the table, man. Y'all got us water. It's amazing. Well, AJ is a go-getter. Say what you want.

He knows how to... So many skeletons in that pile. How many were there? Too many. Okay. Chunks. You know, man, we're going to stop waiting for destiny. I think we're going to stop waiting

and start living. Yeah. You know? Yes, good. Just living. Yeah, man. The only problem is really, I mean, the water,

so fresh of you. Love it. Fresh water. Yeah. Oh, man, I haven't heard a water joke in I can't tell you how long. We kind of got in poor taste after. Sure. Yeah, no, but we're kind of at a loss.

What we need is like a real type A, you know, like somebody who's going to organize, call the shots, tell people what to do, where to go. We got a whole room of, we call them the inedible scrolls. Are there the scrolls you eat? You tried to eat the scrolls. But they are a wreck. And somebody sorting those out could probably dig out something good. We need someone to organize. You know, honestly, that's what we're

real good at. Yeah, this is resonating. Hey guys, did I miss anything? I didn't die. Hey, Nermit. I search we may have a proposal for you. Huh? Oh, hello, oldest derf here from, you know, the beyond, where I live.

I'm so very sorry I missed our last book club meeting. Those gossip-mongery wedding guests really ripped the old derf man apart this time. But not before I chucked around a little bit, if you know what I mean, and you do. Anyway, as I labor to reconstitute myself into the physical form, Tricky, I have been dutifully reading this month's title, The Stars Now Unclaimed by Drew Williams from the amazing sci-fi fantasy publisher Tor Books. It's a fun, fast-paced story on the lighter side of sci-fi featuring a climactic 136-page space battle in a distant galaxy. That's my kind of page numbers. The Stars Now Unclaimed is the first in the Universe After trilogy, following hero Jane Kamali as she recruits children with miraculous gifts in hope they might prevent the Pulse from sending countless worlds back to the Dark Ages.

Oof. Let me say, what a relief to take a break from the serious business of fresh versus whack. Ugh, exhausting. And escape into this fantastical galaxy. And if any of you book club members haven't ordered the book yet, well, you're in luck. Just visit TorBooks.com slash Zix1 to see many ordering options. And yes, I'm sorry. I know I said I would bring the wine this week, but oops, I'm dead. So sorry. The selection here is highly limited. Let some lemon-lime soda go flat and call it a vino verde. No one will know. And also at that info web address, you'll find links to the next book in the Universe After trilogy, A Chain Across the Dawn. Plus, another great sci-fi book

hand-picked for you. Starship Repo by Patrick S. Tomlinson. Following first name, last name, yes, that is the name, who joins a crew recovering old ships. They're definitely not pirates. I can tell you that. All of these amazing books can be yours

at TorBooks.com slash six one. And I have disappeared. Hey, Dar? Yeah. Hey, I just wanted to thank you for standing up for me back there on Zima Prime. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember what I'm trying to do. You know, I just want you to know that I support you. And also, if I don't eat every 24 minutes, I'm going to go insane.

Yeah, that makes sense. Sorry to interrupt, but it's finished. Time for the premiere. What? Wait, but it's finished. Time for the premiere. What? Wait, your documentary is finished already? It's ready. It's out for the public, ready to see. You want to see it? Uh, sure. I'm sorry there's no red carpet

event, okay? I couldn't get people a lot of just simple things, but here it is. Yeah, no, that's okay. Here it is. Hey, that's why you pay them basically nothing. They're very good at what they do. But Sherry and Jade, hero in disguise. In disguise or in disguise?

Fast, but I wouldn't say good at what they do. She had a tail fall, but now she's big on top because she's an hero who saves children. Kids, you are great. I love you all. Yay, kids! I love you too, Barchie! We love you, Barchie! Barchie, who are these kids? Just kids I've saved. Like you. Watch, pay attention. They kind of all sound like you, Barchie.

She kisses people on the mouth and they become stronger because of it. It's much, it's much. I gotta say this room tone is amazing. It is good room tone. I'm gonna throw on both clowns. And she's ready to get back into the business. Don't take our word for it. Take the word from this director in Hollywood.

I've worked with the best. I've worked with the best. I've worked with the worst. I've worked with the middle. By Jerry and Jade. Thank you. Wow. That director didn't even mention the part of Jerry and Jade. I'm sold.

I think this is it. I think you're ready to go back. I love the voiceover. Oh, and don't forget the blooper reel. A blooper reel? Oh. I mean, that part was funny.

Bargy, how is this going to help you? I think the question is, how is this not going to help me? I think you're right. I think that's a, how is this not going to help me? Yep. I think you're right. I think that's a fair question. Papa Dick said I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy.

Hey, Nermit. Hey, guys. How is Zima Prime? How is Zima Prime? How is being alive? I mean, yeah. Am I right? Yeah. I assume that's rhetorical.

Every day now is a new life. Yeah, yeah. So I'm going to organize all the scrolls here. I put up a chore wheel here on this tree so no one can put my name on it to kind of seed it. I haven't seen any other names on it yet. No, no one's signed up yet. So I penciled in my name on all of them, and I'll spin it and see. Oh, yep, it's me on recycling.

Okay. Okay, well, that's clever. You've got to do that. You've got to recycle. Damn it. Oh, Master Chiarando, greetings. Welcome to Zima Prime. I see you're settling in.

Yes. Yeah. I came by to ask if you'd care to learn the ancient Zima art of the devil sticks. Ooh, that sounds amazing. What is that? See, we'll watch this third stick move. Oh, yeah, I think I've, yeah. And then you can, whoa, back the other way.

Yeah, okay. Is that better? Ah. Sure. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yes. A little toss there.

Okay, yeah. I've seen those at a lot of street fairs and things. Would you like to learn? Oh, you know, I, like? You know, carpe diem. Excellent. No, we'll have some. We need to get you a smaller set. Okay, I'm going to put this one under my arm.

You're going to have some trouble. Good luck, Nermit. We'll talk to you later. Wow. Bargy, thank you for rescuing Nermit. That was really heroic. AJ, did you get that?

I don't think they're recording anymore. I don't know if they're getting it. Oh, really? Oh. Well, crap. See you next time. This is SeaRed IT5. Credits and attributions joined. Commencing outro protocol. Papa Plec Deck Setter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 and Master Chiarando were played by Jeremy Bent.

Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Ship and Master Littleboy were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and Master Turneck were played by Seth Lind. EJ and Master Pell were played by Winston Null. Old Durf was played by Justin Tyler and appeared courtesy of this face. Spurge, aka Big Turtle, was played by special guest Justin McElroy. Justin is the co-host of podcasts like My Brother, My Brother, and Me, the basis for a recent TV adaptation by NBCUniversal.

Sawbones and The Adventure Zone, both of which have been adapted into New York Times bestselling books. His voice acting has appeared in OK KO, Slug Ride and the upcoming Trolls World Tour. He's currently working with his family on graphic novel adaptations of The Adventure Zone and a miniseries for Marvel called Journey into Mystery. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent and Alden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famed Macedonian symphonic orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Boyce. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Match Game. Our contestants, Enike and James from the hit podcast Minority Corner. I'll ask you questions in a rapid-fire round. Favorite character on a Shonda Rhimes show? Olivia Pope.

Ooh, I said Olivia Pope's wig. Oh, so close. How do you feel about Disney? They need to pay reparations to black people because Mickey Mouse was based off a black face. I said get rid of the racist rides, Jungle Cruise, Splash Mountain. Who are you voting for in the primary? It's too damn early. I'm just getting to know these fools.

Ooh, no dice. What celebrity do you side-eye the most? Kevin Hart. Can we get a real apology for your homophobia? Justin Timberlake. Nipple game. Favorite superhero movie? Black Panther.

Wakanda Forever. Congratulations. But you still look. Now I'm excited. I am too. Catch Eneke and James, the Wonder Twins of Podcasts, on Minority Corner every Friday at Maximum Fun. Going into a Bullseye interview,

I know that it's somebody who does amazing work, but it's also a real conversation, so I don't know where it's headed. I think you just clarified something for me that's never been really clear before. This is the most serious I've ever been in my life. You've made me completely serious. I feel like I'm in therapy. Bullseye. Creators you know, creators you need to know.

Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Plek, C, can I just borrow the two of you for, you know, the briefest of seconds? Yeah, absolutely. These cats side channel a lot, right?

That's true. Indeed they do do Spurge It's very suspicious But that's their journey so we must respect it I kind of thought we'd follow them But it turns out they were leaving our thing It's with us now We must meditate on this