Mission To Zyxx - 313: Well Hello, Partner [ft. Johnathan Fernandez]

Episode Date: June 19, 2019

The crew travels to Big Tichi’s Lounge to meet a renowned smuggler. Bargie has a new old flame. C-53 and Dar reunite with a scoundrel. AJ breaks the seal. Starring: Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Jeremy Bent as C-53 Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy, The Bartender and The Blazing Rochester Winston Noel as AJ Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and Munchie With special guest Johnathan Fernandez as Brando Rockswell Edited by Jeremy Bent and Alden Ford Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Additional music by EZTV Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast This episode is sponsored by Care/Of and Wix Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. Join the Freshies who make the show possible! maximumfun.org/donate

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That's MaximumFun.org slash donate. Thank you so much. It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher. Crusher. a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zemanite, Plek Dexeter and his intrepid

crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zinx. Hey, Papa. Yeah?

You know, I've been thinking about that view on RV2826. Well, that's great, AJ. Yeah, it's really inspiring. Yeah, yeah, I agree. So I drew this picture. Oh, wow, okay. Yeah, very nice. From the planet and all of a sudden. Yeah, it's really inspiring. Yeah. So I drew this picture. Oh. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. Very nice. From the planet and all of a sudden. Yeah. Wow, that's actually very sweet.

Dar! Dar, you want to see the picture I drew? Wow. Very good picture. Shit, can you see it? Yeah, you just drew a circle. Yeah, that's RV2826. Right, he drew the whole plan. And we're all on it.

That's us. That's us. We're all just standing right on top of its atmosphere. Thank you. AJ, would you like me to put this on the refrigerator? I mean, that is what it's, yeah. I mean, that's fair. I mean, I don't understand.

AJ, the fridge is a place of prominence. This is a very big deal. I know. Look at all this stuff. Argy's headshot. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, a little some nests on top.

Yeah. Yeah. These are tickets to a Peony Gordo's concert. Yeah. You weren't there for that, though. Yeah. Hey, Papa, could I grab a quick aside with you? Uh, sure.

Is it just me or, I don't know, sometimes AJ kind of feels like a test run. You mean like for having a child? Yeah. AJ kind of feels like a test run. You mean like for having a child? Yeah. It kind of feels like training wheels almost. Yeah. You know, I mean, there's a lot of the same, you got to have discipline, you got to teach discipline. Sure. And I'm glad we're in agreement because I wanted to ask, how am I doing? You are doing great, Dar. You're doing great. You think I'm making an impact on AJ? Well, you did throw him down the hall yesterday, which— Now, I said training wheels.

I didn't say he was exactly like how it's going to be when it's mine. Well, and honestly, you know, your child probably won't have a blaster to brandish all the time. So I think it's sort of a different thing. But you should probably throw him around a little bit less. I mean, I got tossed around all the time when I was AJ's age. Yeah, but you don't have any bones. Your brain's not in your head. Listen, Dart, depending on what you give birth to, you might have to be pretty careful with it.

I'm pretty sure whatever I give birth to is going to be a lot like me. I mean, I'm sure it will be in a lot of ways. Tough. I mean, I don't want to— Beautiful. Sure. Sexual. That doesn't really imply any kind of sturdiness, the amount of sensuality.

Very, very hot. These are VIP passes to the premiere of Atmosphere 5. Wow. That's a photo of my wedding from yesterday. Wait, wait, what? Margie, what? What did you say? Margie, what?

Yeah, it's not a big deal. I got married yesterday. But yeah, Margie, we were all on the ship. We didn's not a big deal. I got married yesterday. But yeah, Bersi, we were all on the ship. We didn't have a mission yesterday. I'm married now. At the very least, you could have woken us up. You could have invited us. It was quick.

It happened. It's not out of love or anything like that. You know how much I love a wedding. Anyway, just continue. It's not a big deal. I'm married now, so. Wait, who's the sentient you're married to? The ship that's next to me right now. Oh, so. Wait, who's we? Ships. Who's the sentient you're married to? The ship that's next to me right now.

Oh, wow. I had noticed the ship was close. It's near death. It's in its last engine. It's the oldest, one of the most oldest ships out there. I feel a fully young bride. Yeah, okay, right. Very young.

Wow, is that? That ship runs on coal. Is it a steam-powered ship? Okay, right. Yeah, very young. Very young. He doesn't know how to fly. Wow, is that? Yeah, is that? That ship runs on coal. Yeah, yeah, we're in love. Steam-powered ship, Bergy. We're in love. Oh, I love you so much. Bergy, what's his name?

My name is the Blazing Rochester. Is this ship made of cast iron? Yeah, it's one of the earliest prototypes of a ship. It seems too heavy to leave any atmosphere. I've got a couple extremely modern parts that are made of something called steel. Okay, alright.

It also has a lot of very good financial investments, and not that I'm interested, but he's worth a lot of money. Oh, so when he blows up you'll probably... He's never going to blow up. The only blowing up that's worth a lot of money. Oh, so when he blows up, you'll probably... Well, no, he's never going to blow up. The only blowing up that's happening is the low fire. I mean, he's on fire right now.

I don't know. I know. I like that very much. Sort of a hemorrhoid. C-53, how does it work to have a coal-burning propulsion engine out in space? I mean, I'm dazzled by the fact that something could be on fire in the vacuum's race. I have a lot of questions, too. What is that big...

That's how we did it in the good old days. That doesn't answer the question. I'm just going to push him a little. I'm going to push him away. I'm pushing you away. Okay, there you go. Bye-bye. Bye.

Goodbye. I love you. Definitely it's love that this is. What is that paddle wheel on the back of the Blazing Rochester? I have to assume that's for gaining speed through a particularly thick nebula,

but I can't imagine that's going to come into play very often. That's so weird. That's very strange. Papa Dexeter, I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Butler. Hey, guys. Hey, Nermit.

How's it going? Nermit, are you in a speeder right now? Yeah, kind of. I mean, it's not. It's up. You seem to be moving. No, no, no, no. It's up on blocks.

It's my house and it's my home office. It's my home and office here on Zima Prime. Oh, cool. Yeah, I've got my home and office here on Zima Prime. So, yeah, I've got a little outdoor space here under this awning. Oh, sorry. Actually, Key Aroundo's here to install my speakers. Hello. Yeah, sorry, Key Aroundo.

I'm on a call, but, yeah, come on in. I was messing it up in the corners here. That's not where you should put them, my friend. Then where? Leave me to my job and I shall leave you to yours. Okay. Oh, thank you, Master Keyarondo. Whoa, that's an hour.

Wow. Trust in the space, Nermit, and the sound quality rewards will be considerable. All right. Thank you, Keyarondo. So, yeah, guys. You're welcome. Oh, great. So, Nermit, what is the mission?

Oh, I'm glad you asked. It's got a little backstory. Okay. So. Okay, tuckermin, what is the mission? Oh, I'm glad you asked. It's got a little backstory. Okay. Okay, tuck in, everybody. Yeah. All right, so I've been thinking, what are our problems? We've got assassins after us. We've got weird ships hounding us.

We've got agents of the Empire. Yeah. You know? I mean, the Emperor knows exactly where we are because Bargy can't turn off her location services. Yeah. My son has the password. Bargy, we know. You've talked to your son so many times between then and now.

Just ask him. I'm respecting my son's privacy. I'm going to get it from him when he's ready. Okay, Bargy. Okay, fine. Listen. Nermit, go on. So, you know, clicking through the mission editor, I'm not seeing much. So I call FlixDunker and I say Flix we need a smuggler

we need someone who knows the safe routes through the galaxy we know someone who knows FlixDunker has a mission for us that's a good point Nermit is this your mission yeah I I mean I get a finders fee at minimum

what fee what are you talking about Yeah, I mean, I get a finder's fee at minimum. What fee? What are you talking about? Like, I think a pat on the, you know, nub. I don't know. Nobody's patting your nub. Yeah. Also, Nurmit, your tail is back. You don't have to.

Who is this smuggler? B-Rock. B-Rock? B-Rock? B-Rock, I am told, is the primo smuggler in the Quadrant. Heck, the galaxy. And I know where he hangs out. Okay.

Big Teechies Lounge. Coordinates incoming. Big Teechies. Is that a Teechie bar? Yeah. I love a Teechie bar. I haven't been to a Teechie bar since college, probably. Let's do this.

Well, Nermit, yeah, I mean, let's give it a shot. Hey, by the way. Yeah. This is a good mission. Tell Flix Dunker he did a good job. No way. It's my mission. Okay. Hey there, Mom. Hi, Josh. Look, Mom, I know you're pretty stressed out, but that's no excuse to be driving against traffic on this one-way street. Okay, Mom? I just, I obviously have a lot going on.

Mom, I'm not here to argue. Look, I was thinking, you could use a little support this season now that all the kids are out of school and they're back home with you and it's crazy. Down at the precinct, we all have subscriptions to Care Of. It's a monthly supplement subscription service. It keeps you at your healthiest, Mom. Okay, Mom, hear me out. Care Of's custom-built vitamin packs can help give you energy, better sleep.

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Okay. And now, this bit's a KPD secret, but since you're the mother to every cop in the precinct and also you create the air we breathe, I'll let you in on it, okay? Okay. If you go to TakeCareOf.com and enter promo code ZYX, you'll get 25% off your first Care Of order. Great. That's TakeCareOf.com, promo code Z Y X X for 25 percent off. Thank you. Yeah. I'm going to let you off with a warning. OK. This time. All right. Listen let's keep it street legal. And also Toad is on the roof. All right Toad just get in the van.

Take care of dotcom slash Zix. Can I get an order, please? Bartender, this one is on me for the girl. Oh. In fact, why don't we just get the round for everybody here at the TG Bar. Wow. You hear that, everybody? Our next round's on rocks now!

I don't know where that is. Of course it's him. I gotta go. We all gotta go. Yeah, there's probably another smuggler who's just as good. Yeah, what a slick stalker. Guys, what are you talking about? This guy's the best smuggler there is. When I was on strike team,

we tried to catch him all the time and never could. He was so slick, and he'd always be like, later. Wait, all three of you know B-Rock? Well, I don't know him as B-Rock, but I do know him as Brando Roxwell. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, I know that one. Dar, C-53, how

do you both know him? We were partners. Wait, C-53, you had sex with Brando Roxwell? No, I was his smuggling partner. As a second-in-command, we were smuggling all over the house. That makes sense. I never asked, I guess.

Wait, Dar, so you were his smuggling partner, too? Oh, no, we just jumped. Boy, was it. You know what? I should have. I don't know why I mixed that. Okay. All right. Actually, you know what? I should have. Yeah, I should have. It was real nice. I don't know why I mixed that.

Of course that was. All right. Listen, it only happened once, but it is seared into my memory. It is something that I like to revisit on cold, lonely nights. All right. Okay, listen. Maybe we just find another swan. Yeah, we should just go, because I kind of left it.

I kind of left old B-Rock here brokenhearted, if you know what I mean. I haven't seen Brandon in almost ten years, so I don't know. There's too much history, you know, with me and with C. Okay. Mr. Rockswell. Very well handled. Oh, hi. Wow, this is such an honor. Big fan. Is that a Clint?

Did you see what Drew's got? Did you see that? How Drew's blaster? He's going to kill you. He got it right up to my head. I know I'm not looking right now because I don't need to look before I pull the trigger. Brandon, he's with me.

C-53. As I, who's with me? C-53. As I live and breathe. Brando? Rockswelt. Really got a pair of robot balls to come in here. Yeah, well, I wouldn't be here if I didn't need your help. Super Honor, AJ. Yeah, this is AJ.

Sorry. I love it. I made you do a blaster on me. It's pretty awesome. Alright, let me put the gun back in a fancy way behind my hip. My gun is in my butt. I shouldn't have told you that. I'm just nervous. I'm just nervous.

You know what, AJ? Let's hang back. Let's get a drink, okay? Okay, alright. I'll just say, you know, I used to chase after you. We all would chase after you, and just the excitement's all on this end of the table, because, I mean, really love your stuff. Really stretching my patience, Clint. Wow. Okay. Yeah, Papa. We'll get a drink.

Yeah, so, 53, you were in a very different body last time I saw you, but I'll smell that cube anywhere. No. Yeah, you're right, but this is a midnight show. What are you doing here? Listen, this wasn't my idea. It wasn't my idea. It wasn't my idea either, just for clarity. Oh, look, I was so distracted by my gestating pool of rage and didn't even notice this big beauty over here.

And you are glowing. You look great. Oh, no, no, no. That's not until the next Octomaster I can start glowing. Maybe. I don't know what it is, but you look fantastic. Let me just say that real quick. Oh, no, no. That's not until the next Octomaster I can start glowing. Maybe. I don't know what it is, but you look fantastic. Let me just say that real quick. Oh, my rod. It's great to see you.

No, you don't remember me. Um, I didn't remember you. Yes, you don't. Yeah, no, yeah. Your name, yeah. Yeah, your name I know. Say the name. Sure, I just said it. I want you to call me. Your name. Yeah. Yeah, your name, I know. Say that again. Sure, I just said it. I want you to call me by my name. Uh, you want me to...

Hey, Dar. Uh, do you guys want drinks or what? Yeah, right? It's Dar. And I just came up with that. Good for my brain memory. So nobody wants drinks? No.

Okay, let's go back to the bunker. Hey, gentlemen. Hello there. Hello. Hey, you know, if Brando Roxwell's buying, I guess we'll take two orange beers. Oh, yeah, that was a round on the house for everyone who was in the bar. We were actually in the bar at that point. I'm going to rewind the tape here if you're entering

and then... Oh, that security camera right there. And let's see. Pause. You can see he's... Yeah, we're right there. You see us in the doorway.

Almost. Let's cut to the other camera that's horizontal. The profile view next to the door. And your nose is just a hair short. Not quite in.

Well, I'm in, but he's not, right? Oh, yeah. You actually... Good thinking, Clint. Yeah, the Clint, just the chin of his helmet is in, and pink one, you're just a hair behind. What's your poison, Clint? Oh, orange beer.

Okay. All right, well then. That one's on Brando Roswell. All right. What about you, buddy? I guess I'll just take an orange beer. Okay, here we go. 16 croon.

16 croon? Well, it's the last one for me. We ramp it up as we go. The price. The supply and demand. You have a sliding scale, Papa. Okay. Fine.

Okay, here we go. I'll give you eighteen croon. Oh, hang on. Wait. Stop. What? It's not an auction. You can't...

I already bought it. I already gave you money. It's not an auction. You can't... I already bought it. I already gave you money. It's not how a bar works. I just... You want to try and be 18 croon? Because you can't. Also, why did she give you 18 croon? I bought them.

She should buy it from me. She outbid you. 20 croon. No, you outbid you of 20 croon. No. C53, you have a real nerve showing that cube around here again. It looks like you're healed up from the incident. Orbis Vox.

That was the quickest mission we've ever accomplished. I feel pretty good about that. That was pretty crazy, wasn't it? Yeah, you really shot everything out of the sky when you needed to in pinpoint perfection. I mean, nose crazy was when you and I spent the night together. That was nuts. But you know what I always come back to? Is that time on Corridor 8?

You left me for dead. That's the time that I guess I really remember with you. I remember that also. Yeah, I hope so. There we were pinned down by Clint's smoke grenades. Going off everywhere. Blaster fire. Blaster fire, yeah. And you I hope so. There we were, pinned down by smoke grenades going off everywhere. Blaster fire. Blaster fire, yeah. And you left me there.

Did you, Jack? Because you talk so close to each other's faces when you're talking. Well, this is classic, just like tension. This is just a different type of tension. Yeah, but for me, this type of tension is... This is the only way I know how to show my aggressive tension.

Yeah. Okay, I'm getting it now. So I got some information about the deals that we're going to be doing after we leave the bar. Oh, let me just make a real quick announcement. Hey, everybody, just got another deal for another smuggling. Smuggling. Yeah, yeah. I can't believe you're my partner, you know?

I'm sorry, who are you? Excuse me? This is my new droid 458 Better known as Monkey Oh, Munch and I have been flying around for Wow, ever since you were out of my life I saved your life Did ya?

See, I remember that we were on a very important mission To, uh, smuggle toys for the species known as the Tots And it was very important I know how important toys are for Tots Alright, you don't have to remind me I remember yelling your name, and you were not there I don't remember anything Because I was mind-w mind wiped by the monarchy and worked in their palace for the next three years.

Left you for dead like how I left you without saying anything. We were both dead. Tired. That's not really the same situation. It's really not. It's not. Well, it's when you feel like you're But I just want on record that I left you And didn't leave my number So uh what's your story Pinky?

Are you like a Rangus guy? Kind of a rube I mean there's billions of Telerians from the Rangus system So that's You're like in the what? Some of five? Seven? Yeah yeah six I'm in one of the... You're, like, in the, what? Some of five, seven? Yeah, yeah, six. Huh.

I'm not one of the stereotypes, you know, but if the shoe fits... Yeah, I like your whole species of bartenders. Okay. Wait, I'm sorry. Is your whole species... Is your... You're a bartender species?

Yeah, I mean, you're allowed to choose another job if you don't want to, like, be cool, but... I mean, look how many arms he has, Pop. Yeah, I mean, you're allowed to choose another job if you don't want to, like, be cool, but... I mean, look how many arms he has, Pop. Yeah, I mean, it makes sense. Yeah. I've never had beer before. This is pretty good. Wait, is this your first beer?

AJ, you've never had a beer before? No. Oh, hang on. Let me get my camera out. We got a wall. Here, I'm going to take a picture. Oh, okay. Wait, you have a whole wall of people who've never had a drink before.

Well, their first one. That's it, their first one. Yeah, look at all these people. They're all... I mean, statistically, how is that possible that you have enough people walk into this bar that have never had a drink before? Look at all those hollows. They didn't notice. I wondered what they were for, but that's what they're for.

You reach the drinking age and then you celebrate with your first beer. At this bar? Big Teejies. Papa. Papa. What? What is it, bar? Big Tee-Tees. Papa. Papa. What? What is it, AJ? I'm not the drinking age.

I'm only five. C53, what was I supposed to do? I had to leave you behind because I had to get those koosh balls back to the kids. It was always about the koosh balls, wasn't it? About the koosh balls. Or about the wacky wall crawlers? Or about sticky hands? Or whatever it was.

It was never about me, was it, Brando? No, it was about the kids. Okay. Okay. And not that I wanted it to be about me at the time, but now I'm going to make this about me? I left no lasting impression on you? Darden.

Right? Darden? No. All I know is that you might not say you're glowing, but you are glowing to me. Oh, this is so troubling because that works on me because I feel like a little tingle in my groin, but then I think about the fact that I made no impression on this charming person. No, I have a... I'm pretty sure we

holotaped it, and Munchy, you have that in your files, right? Is this part of the job I don't like? Yeah, tell me about it, Munchy. Do you like this, Munchy? Is Munchy's working out for you better than me? Well, Munchy doesn't

abandon me. Not abandon youunchie doesn't abandon me. I did not abandon you. I just remember turning around and you were gone, and so I left. You had snapped off one of my legs. So I'm assuming that you come back after all this time and you need something, I'm assuming. Yeah, we do need

something. Because obviously we're not gonna you know, get to the bottom of what happened 10 years ago anytime soon. I mean, I would love to get to the bottom of it, but it just doesn't look like it. So we both would love to get to the bottom. Hey guys, looks like they're having a bottom-off. What? I love this.

Whoa, a bottom-off? Hey everybody in the bar, they're having a bottom-off. Oh, wow. Bottom-off. Bottom-off. Okay, all right. I don't want an exterior casing. I'm not above this.

Whoa, Ted Ronca here to let you know any unauthorized modification of this frame invalidates your warranty with the Ronca Cybernetics Corporation. A friendly reminder from your pal, Ted Ronca. Yeah, I voided the warranty. Okay. You want to mix it up? We'll mix it up, friend. Alright, let me

take off my jacket. It has like a my old ship doing a loop-de-loop on the back of it. What the heck? I want you to know he wouldn't take that jacket off when we jucked. Because that's how I jucked, Dar. Didn't. AJ, I don't like what this brand of Roxwell's doing to C-53 and Dar. They look very upset. Well, I don't like what this Brando Roxwell's doing to C-53 and Darn. They look

very upset. Well, I should do something about Pop Biggle. He's a Zima warrior, Zima knight. You trying to goad me into fighting? Why don't you fight him? I want to see my Papa fight him. I don't know if I like this. You could beat him up. Probably. AJ, I'm not going to beat him up. I'm just saying. Smack him with the dinglehopper.

I'm not going to... I'm not going to hit him. No, I want another orange beer. It's good. It's good. AJ, I think you're probably good. You're probably good. I'm sliding it down to you. You're on the wall.

You drink all night. On the wall. You drink all night. It doesn't rhyme, but I love it. Hold on. I don't know if we should. Look at me put it in my helmet. No, AJ, listen.

Oh, I like this guy. He's fun. AJ. It tastes good. No, AJ, we got to stay vigilant. At first, I was like, it tastes bad. At first I was like, it tastes bad. But now I'm like, it tastes good. Yeah, you got the taste.

Yeah, that's usually how it works. Pink one, you can't have a lightweight or something? You just have the one? Papa's a lightweight. Now you will. Not like me. I know how to drink. Okay, AJ, let's just.

I know how to drink. AJ, stop. You need to calm down. You need to calm down. No, AJ, put the stool down. don't drink. AJ, stop. You need to calm down. You need to calm down. No, AJ, put the stool down. How could you put the stool down? How can we put it down when you're holding it? I'm not holding a stool.

Why don't you hold a stool, Bob? AJ, AJ, let's not cause a scene here. Do you want me to sober up? Do you want me to sober up? Yeah, actually, I do want you to sober up. Okay, all right, sorry about that. Wait, what? All the alcohol just fell out of his arm. Yeah. Wait, how did you... I let sober up. Okay. All right. Sorry about that. Wait, what? All the alcohol just fell out of the...

Yeah. Wait, how did you... I let it out. Whoa. What? I just went... Sweated out all my board. Oh, nasty.

What? All right, everybody. Rules about the bottom off. Round one. They reach bottom off. Go! So it was a decade ago, and i remember saving your life and then i left okay it was a decade ago and i have footage of you leaving me behind

well i mean your turn's not over because i have to see the footage okay here we go. If it exists. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. All right.

All right. My cube has been mind wiped a few times, so there's been a little degradation of the footage. All right. But I'll play it for you right now. See, where are you? I can't see you. See? Here we go. I think this is what people call a crossroads. I'm going to have to make a tough decision soon. I got my best friend. Yeah, that's me. And then I have this load of koosh balls I have to get to the kids on the other side of the galaxy. I didn't see those kids need those koosh balls. See, I'm going to give you a couple more seconds if you don't show up.

I'm all the time. All right. And it kind of a tough call. You know, it's just so degraded. I don't think that we could have really told you what was happening I was down he laughed with a shipload of koosh balls for kids

you and I joked 10 months ago and you said you loved me and I felt very uncomfortable about that amount of emotion so I snuck out it's a triple bottom you know AJ it's been nice to just have a moment with, you know, my noob, just kind of get a couple drinks. Great, I love it.

And this bar is great. Thanks, guys. Big teachies, yeah. Big teachies. Glad you're enjoying yourselves. Here's one for the wall noob, and hey, you know what? Here's one for you too, pink guy. This one's on B-Rock.

Oh, that's great. I finally made it into Brando's round. Yeah, right. Oh, this is B-Rock. Oh, that's great. I finally made it into Brando's round. Yeah, right. Oh, this is B-Rock's round. Wait, yeah, I said that. It's Brando Rock's round. That's Brando Rock's round. I'm B-Rock. You're B-Rock? Yeah. B-Rock the smuggler?

Hey, you're blowing up my spot. Get that thing back. No, I... Come on, what are you trying to do? I'm just the neighbor of the bartender. Wait, so you were B-Rock the entire time? Yeah, I didn't turn into B-Rock. Oh, okay. Wait, AJ, that means we came here to meet B-Rock.

I mean, you can't really get a drink here without meeting me, so... Okay, no, I mean we're here to meet you about smuggling. Oh, I don't know. I mean, I don't think you can afford old B-Rock. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I guess not. I mean, I don't think you can afford old B-Rock. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I guess not. I mean, it is against the Emperor. What'd you say?

I mean, we're trying to fight the Emperor, so these smugglers would, you know, help us for that. But you're right. We don't have the money. Wait, what did you just say? You know, these would be for the Emperor, so... But you're right. We don't have the money, so we'll keep going.

Wait, wait, wait. Come back here. Uh-huh. What did you say? Okay. You're up against who? The emperor. What did you say?

Papa, what's happening? I hate the emperor. Yeah, really? Yes? I hate the Emperor. Really? Yes. He crossed the whole bartender squadron in the Battle of the Planet Crossers. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to hear that. What?

We lost a lot of good drink slingers. What squadron? We lost a couple good barbacks. The bartender squadron. We lost several great hosts. We lost a great, the best keg switcher in the biz. We lost front of house and back of house. Yeah, we lost a whole staff.

We lost our ordering guy. You don't think about him. You gotta have someone to keep your stock in order. Yeah, yeah. B-Rock, those bartenders were good bartenders and good rebels. You know what? I'll help you. What did you say?

Hey, Dardigen. Dardigen. I just want to say that you might not say you're glowing, but I can tell that you're glowing. You are so close to my face when you say this. I feel like you're about to kiss me on my mouth. Evidence! Evidence! Evidence!

Yeah, Munchie, play the tape. We both consented to this hollow of our jucking being made. It wasn't jucking. It was lovemaking. Oh, right. This was backstage at the Mononoroo concert. We saw Peony have a meltdown on stage. That's right. Oh, you can see from the hollow that we're hooking up in his green room.

Yeah. Hey, you're such a fine specimen. You're just really... What's your name again? It's whatever you want it to be, baby. Oh, yeah, that's what I like. They never told him their name! They never told him their name! All right, fast forward, fast forward.

Fast forward. Okay, now that, uh, Peony's manager's gone, I can tell you that I love you. Mm, uh, er, um, so, I, uh, uh, uh. This show just makes me love you more. Munchie. Yeah? Hey, I could say that, uh, that might be the best jock I ever had. Stop the tape. That was everything I needed to hear.

I am so happy my bottoms go back on. And also see, now that I see you without your casing, I think, you know, I didn't see you 10 years ago, but I could tell you what I could see you right now. Loud and clear. Rise and shine. It's all patched up. Are you forgiving me? Yeah, I absolve you of all your sins.

Let's just say that we've had equal and opposite rages for the last decade, and now it's all good. Well, AJ, I guess we should go round up to RNC 53, huh? Yeah, I'll probably get an autograph from Brando Roxwell, probably. No, I was saying I think that the standard mission protocol is grab everybody, get the autographs, and get out.

Okay, listen, AJ, I kind of think... I'm with you, Papa. What's we got to do with? I'm just going to go step in and grab them, and then we can go. Okay, I'll just look for a pen. Okay, not necessary. Darn, C-53, it's time to go. You know what, C-53, it's time to go. We are in the middle of a bottom-off here, okay?

If you haven't been watching... You know what, C-53, I've watched enough, okay? And I think... Off his roll for the last round of the bottom-off! An outsider comes in and deals with it all! Make sure it's to me! No, listen, I don't want to be involved in... Okay, all right, fine. Okay, you know what? Fine.

Brando, you know, AJ and I have been sitting over there at the bar this whole time, and you know what I think? Okay, AJ, just relax. Cool. I just want to say something. I think everybody in this bar thinks you're a pretty cool dude, okay? Relax. Just make it out to AJ2884. Cool. He'll get me next time. Just put your arm on the shoulder there. I just want to say something. I think everybody in this bar thinks you're a pretty cool dude, okay? Yeah, we love Brando.

Okay, no, there's a second part to it. I'm not just stating a fact. Brando! No, no, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. No, no. It's just the first half of a sentence. A pretty long sentence. However, I happen to see through you, Brando.

Okay? I think you're just a jerk to my friends. That's all I see. You tried to kill AJ and all of his Clint buddies. Now, granted, I've killed a lot of Clint's too, but, you know,

for the purposes of this. Wait, what? Never mind. Beside the point. You left C-53 behind your partner just because it was foggy. It wasn't just any old fog.

It was foggy. I don't think Brando Roxwell is such a great smuggler after all. In fact, I don't even think he's the best smuggler in this bar. What are you doing to me over here? I think you go to a croon store, load up your ship with a bunch of crappy toys, and then you go sell them at a higher price to some schoolyard. Poppadex? Yes. Toys for the most? Yeah. Charities? crappy toys, and then you go sell them at a higher price to some schoolyard. Papa Dex. Toys for the most charities.

Yeah, don't make profit off of any of that stuff, actually. It's actually the most honorable thing he does. Look, check this out. It's, you know, for the kids. Oh, you have a tattoo that says for the kids. For your Hachimachi. Okay, you know what? I probably

overstepped on that one a little bit. Yeah, you just weren't. But you know what? I probably overstepped on that one a little bit. Yeah, you just weren't. But you know what? I think my original point still stands. We don't need your smuggling routes. We don't need your ship. You could take your cheap toys for kids and shove them right up your bottom off. I'm the Margarian Jade!

Oh, Rod. Are you kidding me? I'm after you. Me, Phineas'm after you. Me, Phineas and Jerry Ryan. No, it's Phineas and Phineas and Jerry Ryan. Phineas and Jerry Ryan.

Papa, this looks like it's one of maybe the Emperor's assassins. No, I don't, no, no,

okay, I don't think so. I don't think so. You actually just need the one gun. All right. I don't even think you need that.

Do you guys need me to smooth this over? Because it's actually FJR and I go way back, so. Really? Brando, what'sJR and I go way back. Really? Brando! What's up? Always good to see ya.

Finny. Finny to the fard. How are you? Listen, Fenniford, we don't have any gripes with you. What exactly is the issue, Fenniford? The Vajarian Jane owes me a lot of crude. So your issue is Vaj?

I guess so. Not the crude. Where is she? In space. Hey, FJR, why don't we take a walk outside and, you know, let me smooth things over and we can talk about Barge all you want. Sounds good. So how you been, Brando? You been good?

Wow. I can't believe that worked. No, he's very charismatic. So smooth. So smooth. Just like his sex style, he was very good in bed. Yeah, no, no, it's... I just wanted to really punctuate it.

Okay. Because I want everyone here to know that I slept with that smooth, smooth criminal. Okay. know that I slept with that smooth, smooth criminal. Okay. You think maybe we could hang out a little longer and he and I could, uh... No! What are you talking about?

No! Genitals. Smuggled genitals. His genitals. Yeah, his genitals. We have to get... He just gave us a very narrow window. We have to get off of this planet. Ugh. Also, Dar, C-53, we found B-Rock. It turned out it wasn't even Brando Roxwell.

It was the bartender. Yeah, before I spent all that emotional time kind of unpacking all of that. Okay, we should go. We gotta go. We gotta go. We gotta go. I'm after you. ZEMA PRIME create a stunning website for Zima Prime. And I am here to tell you that my prophecy has finally been fulfilled thanks to Wix.com.

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by yourself for free with Wix. In fact, over 150 million people use Wix for their website. With Wix, you choose from more than 500 stunning templates and then customize anything you want. It's almost like I didn't even need a cosmic destiny to make this website. Almost. Almost like that. And here's an extra fresh offer on top of all of that. Head to Wix.com and use coupon code ZIX for 10% off any premium plan,

which gives you more storage, a free domain for a year, and much, much more. That's WIX.com, coupon code ZYXX. Yes, they rhyme, but their spellings could not be more different. Ah, the mysteries of the space. Oh, boy. Well, listen, Dar C-53, I know you guys have real complicated relationships with Brando Roxwell, but he saved us there right at the last second. I guess I've been waiting for him to do that for ten years. Same.

I know. That's my thing. I know. It just felt like we shared so much so far that... Yeah, I get it. You almost shot me and it was awesome. It was great. AJ, I just want to talk to you.

If Brando Roxwell jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too? Yeah, absolutely. Here, AJ, this is what it would feel like to jump off a bridge. You can't throw... That's tough love, baby. He just said he wanted to follow Brando off of a bridge. And now I threw him

into the bridge. Oh, my rotator cuff's dislocated. Luckily, he's biologically engineered that I can't hurt him. Sitting back together feels good. Hey, Bargy, I just wanted to give you a fair warning. When we were down at the bar, we ran into Finneford J. Ryan, you know, the loan shark. No, no. He says you owe him a lot of croon.

What? Why? Why would I? What? You didn't tell him where I was, right? You didn't say where I was when I was. You didn't say I was in space. I was in the sky. Yeah, I mean, we mentioned... Why would you say that? Why would you tell him I'm in space? You're in space most of the time. Do you want me to be caught?

Well, say goodbye to all the amenities inside of me. That fridge is going to be gone soon. It's going to be just dust. You can't take the fridge, Margie. Just take the drawing off of it. It's my gallery. It's where I, it's my medium. All I have right now is,

is I have the people inside of me and my husband, who, since you left, has not gone far. He's just still anxious. I can see what's in this floor. If anyone can give me a push. I've told you a couple times, hun-hun. Baby, you're my darling shipmate person. My tux are clogged with soot.

Looks like the fire seems to get spreading, right? Yeah, the fire. I thought more fire than this. But I love you, Barshi. You're my young sprite. Oh, Barshi. Look at Kroo. Look at her. Look, you're inside her, but look at this beautiful...

Look at that wig. Oh, Bungie. She's too kind. Just... Too kind. The moment I laid skin as honor. Oh, Bungie, I want you to know... You'll never have a care in the world.

Let me turn this internal camera on. You see these stacks of war bonds? I do. I don't need them. All I need is you. Oh, that's nice. War bonds. Which war? I can't even recognize it. It could be any number of wars.

The war of the Tenertian Oligarchs. Do you know what war that is? Tenertian Oligarchs? Yeah, they're still valuable. That was four centuries ago. Inertian oligarchs. Do you know what war that is? Inertian oligarchs? They're still valuable. Four centuries ago. You're so handsome when you're historic. We've changed what money we use since then.

This stack of weird money represents my love for you. You didn't ask any questions about me. You just love me regardless. You're so beautiful. And that voice, that angel voice of yours. Oh, you got an angel voice. You got an angel voice. You got an angel voice. Ah, look at that voice.

I'm just going to turn off my audio. And the thing I want you to know is... Anything. I don't understand you. It's a lot of fire. Oh, this feels bad. What is it? I'm dying.

No. Yep. Why would you? My love for you was too strong. Okay. Well, that was a bad decision. Honestly, it makes you laugh so bad, Mom. There's so much smoke in that explosion.

Just pluming smoke. It really shouldn't do that in space. Wow. Yeah, it's very strange. Is it bad that I actually fell in love with him? Uh, I don't know. He would just see, when I asked him questions,

he'd respond, and he knew my name, and also he cold-treads into diamond. Hey, Bargy, I'm sorry about the blazing Rochester. Hey, hey, it's really a blazing Rochester now. It's totally on fire. AJ.

AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. AJ. now. It's totally on fire. AJ, does this feel like the right time to do this? I made a joke, right? I mean, I want an extremely poor taste. Now that's a blazing Rochester. No, that's the same joke you just made. Oh.

Okay. Looks like that Rochester is blazing. You're better off the first time. Okay, okay, okay. That ship has exploded. That's true. Oh no, darn. That time, we all know we wanted me to do that.

Yeah, that's good parenting. parent This is SeaRant IT5. Credits and attributions joined. Commencing outro protocol. Papa Plank DexCenter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Ship and Munchie were played by Mujan Zalfagari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and the bartender were played by Seth Lind. AJ and Finifer J. Ryan, Malone Shark, were played by Winston Knoll. Brando Roxwell the Smuggler was played by special guest Jonathan Fernandez.

Jonathan is a writer and actor in Los Angeles who just finished performing three seasons on The Lethal Weapon TV show on Fox. The short film he wrote and starred in, Lillian, is playing at the Soho International Film Festival in New York later this month. He'll be posting a ton about it on Instagram and Twitter, where you can find him, at JFanPrime. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent and Alden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Recorded at Robert Ducky Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York, and Maximum Fun in Los Angeles. Music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional music by Shane O'Connell, Thank you. Hello, listeners of Maximum Fun. I want to tell you about our newest podcast that tells you all about the truth of the flat Earth. Have you been looking out over the horizon and you've been thinking, wait a minute, this doesn't look round. I've been lied to my whole life. What is NASA doing with $52 million a day? Uh, come on.

We explode the myths. Just kidding. We're Oh No Ross and Carrie, and we investigate extraordinary claims. That's right. We investigate extraordinary claims firsthand. We go undercover in fringe groups. We get alternative medicine treatments. And we hang out with people who have unusual beliefs, like flat earthers, 9-11 truthers.

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Nice. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Are your speakers actually always you? Do these even plug in or are you just projecting sound through all the speakers you install? Nermin. Yeah.

Okay. Don't overthink it. Alright. I'll cut that out. So, uh... Good idea. Too complicated. Throw it away.