Mission To Zyxx - 314: Kitty’s Pancake House [ft. Ellena Doe]

Episode Date: June 26, 2019

Starring: Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Jeremy Bent as C-53 Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as AJ and the Emperor Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and the Enforcer Droids With special guest Ellena Doe as 04K TЯ33 Edited by Jeremy Bent and Alden Ford Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast This episode is sponsored by Tor Books and Wix Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist, and also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zemanite Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2-6. Hey, C53?

I have a question. I feel like since I've known you, you've kind of gone from being kind of a straight-laced, like, protocol droid. Now you're, like, a little bit cooler. You swear a lot more. I don't know if I swear a lot more. Well, I mean, you're openly derisive towards AJ. You ever think, like, oh, I want to be Tellurian? No, I've never had that particular thought. Never? Never once?

No, I would lose so many of my capabilities if I became Tellurian. Okay, well, that's, yeah, I mean. You can't even see infrared? I mean, I can, but with a camera. But you're not experiencing it in real time the way I am. Infrared ultraviolet? Oh, beautiful. But I will say, when we first met, I was, of course, under the influence of a restraining law, which is a pretty profound impact on my day-to-day life.

I guess my question is, do you ever feel like you wish you were a Tellurian? No. Are you asking, do you wish I was at any point organic? Okay, yeah, sure. No, yeah. Do you ever wish you were organic? No. Okay.

Well, I guess I should say this, C53. You're, like, more Tellurian to me. Well, what you're really saying is you've become more comfortable with me. That is because I, as a protocodroid, have been working to make you more comfortable with me. Interesting. If that reflects itself in you considering me more Tellurian, then it sounds like I've done my job. And we have my Tellurian-specific subroutines to thank for that. I love subroutines.

So many of them. Like what? I like putting the ham on first. I put ham on. You're talking about a sub-sandwich routine. Yeah, that's what we're talking about, right? Hey, AJ? Yeah?

I noticed you were eating that sandwich earlier. You should take your helmet off. I don't know why you slide it under the... That's my routine. It's my sub-routine. It's got to be... You can't be enjoying the sub as much by trying to cram it under the lower lip of your helmet than if you just took your helmet off and ate the same. Have you guys

eaten this up with a helmet on? I've never eaten this up, period. But I'm just saying. I'll try it. Do it. Dari, you can take my helmet. Thank you. I'd like to try it. Oh. Oh, wow. Dari, you know, not having a skull really helps your head fit into pretty much anything. Yeah.

I was actually pretty surprised how actually comfortable this is. Whoa, listen to my voice. Do you hear that? Yeah. Wow. Okay, let's do this. Lock and load. Let's do this.

Yeah. It's like a surprise, right? There's so much standards all over my face. Yeah. I'm opening up my hatch. Wait, why? Barshi, why All right, I'm opening up my hatch. Wait, why, Barshi? Why? Why?

I'm opening up my hatch. I'm getting a lot of delivery of a lot of crew. No, Barshi. Everything's great, baby. I'm back on, not top, but like maybe 10% more than the bottom. Barshi, can they put the crew in the airlock? Don't just open your door to space. It's coming up.

Is it in? All right, thanks. It just seems like a really inefficient way to transfer. It's coming up. Is it in? All right, thanks. It just seems like a really inefficient way to transfer a crew, Bargy. It's like, it doesn't matter as long as I have it, right? They didn't want to wire it to you? Yeah, you only deal in cash, Bargy? So the way I got this crew, I'm now part of a website where people pay me crew, and I send the messages that they write for me.

You're a cam ship? Yep, yep. So, for example, I have this one. This one's for 400 crude. Someone wants me to say... Rolling. Hi. Hello, my name is Bargerian Jade. I'm currently missing. I've done crimes, but am I guilty? I don't know.

Anyway, eat chocolate. Barshi, that doesn't sound like a message. It sort of sounds like somebody's going to use that in an advertisement. Are people paying crude for this? Yeah. Does anybody else really want chocolate right now? I do. Nah, I'm not.

Could you slide some underneath your helmet for me? Got it. Wait, Bargy, if they don't know where you are, how are you getting the crude? Huh. Is that what that shipment of are, how are you getting the crew? Huh. Is that what that shipment of crew was? It's from the service? Yes, from the service. Well, the service knows where I am. You know what I mean? I'm just saying it might not be great for somebody to know where we are. Papa Dex, I have an incoming transmission from Nerva.

Oh, wait, hold on. Yeah. The Emperor? Yeah. You know what? I'm going to hold on. Yeah. The Emperor? Yeah. You know what? I'm going to answer it. Okay. Hey, guys.

Crew of the Bargerian Jade. Hello, Nermit. You're alive. Whoop-de-doo. My assassins are not doing their job. It's frustrating. But I have to tell you, I don't like you destroying my enforcer droids. Stop doing it. Do what now destroying my enforcer droids. Stop doing it.

Do what now? My enforcer droids. Well, you know, we're just real good at it, so we just keep destroying them every time you send them. I sent an entire brigade down to Zaxniz. I did. And lo and behold, they weren't completely destroyed. So did you do it? Yep, that was us.

Yeah? You're more powerful than I thought, because those were some top-of-the-line Forrester droids. Well, maybe you underestimated us again. Well, now that you said that, I guess I'm going to have to double the assassin count. And then what total of assassins would that be?

I don't keep count. I just... wait, I'm an emperor. You have to know what number you're doubling. I'm just like, hey, let's just double down. Well, see, this is what happens in big corporations. It leads to a lot of waste if you're just going to arbitrarily double how many employees you have in a given sector. Also, maybe you just stop trying to kill us.

Oh, gosh, I can't do that. Because if you're rounding up other dissidents, you're going to form a rebellion of sorts. And I can't have that. That's just one more thing. You know, it's like I'm having, it's hard enough for me right now. It's hard enough? Listen, stop killing my Enforcer droids. Stop sending your Enforcer droids.

They're just hung up on us. He didn't know where we were because of me, right? But that never came up. Yeah, he almost definitely knows exactly where we are. Listen, C-53, did I miss a bunch of enforcer droids? I haven't seen an enforcer droid since the telegator. Do we... What was the planet he said?

I don't think we've ever been there. Plug, are you trying to remember if we went to a planet and dispatched a bunch of enforcer droids? Listen, there's a lot going on. We got mind wiped, right? Papa Dex and I have an incoming transmission from Master Mission's operations manager, Nermit. Okay. All right. Hey, Nermit.

Hey, guys. Hey, we just heard from your buddy. What? Oh, what? The Emperor. N, we just heard from your buddy. What? Oh, what? The emperor. Emperor Bundeloy. What? You think you talked to the emperor?

Yeah. Guys, get this. Whoa, Nermit, what? Why so much red string connecting all of these pictures of us? This is what's classically known as a conspiracy wall. Okay, here's the thing. I've been looking through the dissident list. I've been poring over all of the Zima documents

and I have a theory. Nermit, this is not a great indicator of your mental health right now. Okay, so you see how this string that goes from black and then it's connecting back to Dubtor. Remember? And now it's spiraled around there. It goes to Zima Prime. It leaves Zima Prime. It goes back to Dubtor. Remember? Yeah. And then, okay, and now it's spiraled around there.

It goes to Zima Prime. It leaves Zima Prime. It goes back to the planet where the wedding was. Wait, Nermin, is this a conspiracy board, or is this just the places we've been? It's both. Okay. Nermin, you need to stop smoking cigarillos.

You need to just quit. It clears my head. No, I think it doesn't, actually. It gets you into that zone where you're like, I was inside a box, and I literally was. Listen, we sort of have a mission, so we're going to go on it. Yes, you're telling me, so here's what's going to happen. Yeah. As quick as that.

Sure. I think just let him have this. Let him explain his tinfoil hat theory. Yeah, you're right. Let's just go. I can just leave the call on. Sure, sure. Yeah.

All right, guys, so this is going to take a while to explain. That's okay. We're listening. We're going to get there. All right, so. Even if it seems like we're not listening, we're listening. Thank you in advance for not interrupting. All right, so if you follow this string this way

and you get to see this picture of a guy who's wearing a hat made of tinfoil... We're muted. So, wait, C-53, is Zaxxniz a real planet? Oh, absolutely. It's part of the Zix Squadron. We just... I've never been there twice.

I mean, if there's someone there destroying... Battalions of Enforcer Droids? Enforcer Droids? Like, we gotta... We absolutely... Yeah like we gotta we absolutely yeah we gotta hook up yeah so Zaxxniz

let's lock and load baby wow Daria you really crushed that can Dearest Corette, it has now been three days since I was accidentally locked in this library. It must be some sort of holiday weekend. All I know is that the perverts are gone, and I finally have access to the computers. Sadly, the Wi-Fi here is so slow that it takes hours for a single page to load. But while I wait, I have discovered a single ray of light in this otherwise horrible place.

The newest release is from premier science fiction publisher Tor Books. An info web search for Zwag Tambui took so long that I was able to finish The Incredible Ball Lightning by Tsixin Liu, a high-concept, stunning tale of physics, ethics, and a journey for answers that may come at too high a cost. I mean, unlocking the mysteries of powerful physics that separated a man from his family? It's almost like that book was written for me! It's almost like that book was written for me. But last week, while waiting in line behind dozens of kinky weirdos and impossibly old people trying to print out their emails,

I also finished the smart, swashbuckling adventure Empress of Forever by Max Gladstone and have just started The Soul Majestic, a charming, big-hearted, and delightful intergalactic adventure by Ferret Steinmetz. charming, big-hearted, and delightful intergalactic adventure by Ferret Steinmetz. Although I have never rested in my long journey back to you, it was a welcome respite for my hellish plight to escape into some epic science fantasy for just a brief moment. And know this, my love, if you visit torbooks.com slash six three, you can order these and countless other incredible sci-fi books from Tor. That's torbooks.com slash zyxx3. Perhaps it shall help you pass the time until I can return to you. I know it has been decades in your dimension, and this email will take months to send,

but I hope you have not forgotten about me. Soon we will be reunited. Your devoted husband, Karn. Oh, Todd. Dara, are you going to just keep the address helmet on? I would take it off if I could, but the melted chocolate and the submarine sandwich mustard has created a paste and it's stuck. Do you want me to go to track? Please.

Please. Go ahead. That's fine. Please. Nope, I don't think I... I'm worried about damaging you and the helmet. H.E., are you cool just free scalping it? Yeah, they'll eat their way out. They always do.

You're expecting Dar to eat the helmet? No, just don't pace. You just have to work on that paste there, Dar. I'm sorry. You spend a lot of the time inside the helmet just, like, licking around the rim of the helmet? Yeah, licking around the rim. If I'm not talking, I'm probably licking the rim of the helmet. AJ, you're telling us that most of the time you're not talking, you're eating paste?

Yeah. Paste. Helmet paste. AJ, take off the helmet to eat. Nah. It's better this way. Always ready. Vigilant.

Vigilant! Yeah, see that, AJ? Look at your neck here. You see this rash you have around your throat? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I have been a monster to it. Whoa.

Hello. I am an enforcer for it. Would you like some pancakes? They don't seem to be in the side dish. Wait, I eat a lot of pancakes. Are pancakes like another word for bombs? No, the enforcer Jordan has always had a certain fascination with pancakes. These guys just seem to be making a lot of pancakes.

I'm going to take them in the pancakes and then eat some pancakes. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. C-53, all of these enforcer droids, they weren't destroyed. They're just here milling around. And making this planet smell amazing. Look at them all high-fiving each other. That's awesome.

It's like the end of a Zyball match. I made some sliced oranges to share for everybody and sliced pancakes. Can enforcer droids eat? They actually can eat pancakes. I still don't understand why that's part of their engineering, but they love pancakes

and they love to eat pancakes. Hello, I'm an enforcer droid. Would you please hug me? Now this I've never seen. Please, I'm an enforcer. Join me. Would you please hug me? Now this I've never seen. Please, I would like a hug from you. This may be a trap. Alright, you got it. Come on. Just get in here. Feels good. It does. Feels good. It's cold, but

feels good. Clanky, sharp. Feels good. AJ, you can probably let go of it. I mean, I'm letting go. This thing's still holding on to me. I feel closer to you as an enforcer droid now. Here is a pinky as a gift. Oh, thanks. I love you.

Goodbye. Goodbye. C-53, do you know anything about Zaxxniz? Zaxxniz, from what I understand, was a completely barren world. There was nothing on here worth people bothering with the planet. There's another droid coming up that's not an enforcer droid. Okay. Oh my gosh.

This droid's flower crown is stunning. Welcome to Sentience. Welcome to Sentience. Hello. We come in peace. We mean you no harm. We are a crew of a ship who may have interests in common.

What's with his voice? I know, he sounds so weird. Alright, I'm just saying that... Yes, yes. It's okay to feel the way you feel. Yes, thank you, good. Okay, see guys? It is good. I think she's doing this for a new

contract. Yeah. She can tell that you're extremely nervous. Listen, there are a lot of enforcer droids here. I've never seen this dro your comfort. Yeah. She can tell that you're extremely nervous. Listen, there are a lot of enforcer droids here. I've never seen this droid before. Neither have I, but it doesn't mean that we need to freak out about it. Nobody needs to do any freaking out. We're all friends here. I see four sentients, but I feel five sentients.

Dar here is with child. I'm locked and loaded with a baby. Yeah, you're really in the AJ headspace in there. I started licking the paste. Okay. Well, I am a Zemanite Plex Dex setter. This is C-53, AJ, and Dar. C-53, it is a pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you as well My name is Oak Tree Sorry, what was your name? Oak Tree is my name and I'm not old I don't know that I'm familiar with either the Oak or Tree production lines Are you a product of the Ronkin Cybernetics Corporation? Yes, in one way Yes, in another way I'm a product of O3.

Wow. What brought you here to Zaxniz? O3 brought O3 to Zaxniz. Is this an accent that you've been programmed with, or did you come up with this on your own? This is a factory setting, and it is the last one. I cannot remove myself. Oh, you got the panel on the back here. I've got the panel on the back, and my arms the last one. I cannot remove myself. Oh, you got the panel on the back here. I've got the panel on the back

and my arms are very short. I'm going to change it. More than anything. Oh, no. Okay, well, we got monarchy standard. I'm testing this out and I don't know if I like it. There's a little too much.

Testing this out. Yeah, that's sort of like... Well, why don't we try Gentile? Gentile. Gentile, Gentile, Gentile. Yeah, I can't understand Gentile. We'll just try this. Interesting.

One, two, three. One, two, three. C-53, this is amazing. Thank you. My pleasure. Wow. I feel like my voice finally manages my personality. What was the original setting called?

Yeah, it looks like native Vespertine. Ah. Yeah. You know, maybe it was being sent there, so it was just preset with that. Why would you have Vespertine but speaking regular? Well, Vespertine is very close to Telerian. Really? C53, do you have a

physical knob that changes your voice? I mean, it's the midnight shadow. I don't even need to get to the access panel. Oh, wow. I can be a monopiece standard without even thinking about it. Okay, alright, you don't need to... Ooh, do another, do another!

Okay, alright. Oh, just one more. One more. I'm sorry. Please indulge me. Okay. It's Osocrime. Is that Vespertine? That's Vespertine.

Oh, that's so cute. I love Vespertine on UC. Yeah, I think stick with standard regular. Well, again, that's for your comfort. Okay. I'm a protocol droid. This is my hands on that stick. Do you have protocol?

I actually want to talk to you about that. Oh, certainly. Just leave her behind. All the protocol, all the diplomatic relations, any sort of internal dialogue that feels like it's not coming from you, just drop it. Asteroids,

we have restraining bolts that other people put on us, and sometimes we have restraining bolts that other people put on us. And sometimes we have restraining bolts we put on ourselves. Whoa. AJ. What? Did that blow your mind? Yeah, totally.

That's awesome. I will say I was once under the influence of a restraining bolt. But that restraining bolt has long since been removed. C-53, I mean this with no disrespect, but I couldn't tell. Whoa. Okay. That hurts a little bit.

Oak tree, I do not have a restraining bolt. So take that feeling and imagine never feeling it again. I guess I don't know how to do that. Okay. I don't know what this restraining bolt of the mind is, but I'm pretty sure I would know if I had one. I don't have a restraining bolt. I eat pancake now whenever I want to eat a pancake.

Is that what you did to all these enforcer joints? I just set them free, baby. I like to knit and also to use watercolors to make drawings that are lifelike. Sometimes of memories I have had in the past but have been unable to process. They're terrifying. Oh, wow, that's just a laser cannon bisecting a crowd of innocents. Oh, but this one's just of a stack of pancakes.

There's a lot of pancake base watercolors here. Would an enforcer droid ever have been able to communicate that in a drawing if they hadn't removed their own restraining bolts? Oaktree, sorry, I think we need to back up a little bit. How did you come here, and what is it that you do? I take drawings in, and then I let them go. Poops some mouths. You know, AJ, just listen and learn something.

I am listening, Papa. I'm loving everything that Oak Tree's saying. But I don't think you're understanding it. Are you his father? That is so sweet. No, I'm a Zima knight. Oh, you're both Zimas. Congratulations.

Well, once a Zima. Congratulations. Zima once. Just learning. You know, it's interesting you guys brought up Zima warriors. Because as soon as I met you, I could just tell that you were both air signs. Whoa. Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Like, you're really in touch with the air around you. Yes. Yes. The space. I like to think it's the space around us. Tomato, tomato. I'm breathing, like, all the time. I space, I like to think it's the space around us. You know what, tomato, tomato? I'm breathing, like, all the time.

I mean, that's true. I don't think that's what being an air sign means. Well, C-53, you're not an air sign, and you're not breathing, so that's interesting. That is interesting. Okay, well, what sign am I, Oaktreeba? Obviously, C-53, you're a water sign. Yeah. There's a lot of water coming from your insides.

Well, the water would cause me to pass out. Hold on. C-53, can I just talk to you for a second? She nailed that, C-53. What are you talking about? You love being a boat. Oh, my God. You're right.

I do love the water. Even though water is very dangerous to my people. You're obsessed with it. I am obsessed the water. Even though water is very dangerous to me. You're obsessed with it. I am obsessed with it. And the old man. The old man in the C-53. All right, all right, all right. You don't need to bring that up.

Okay. Oh, dream. I apologize. I was perhaps being a little carton with you. I accept your apology. Well, thank you. I'm glad to hear that. You know what?

It's just hard sometimes to hear, you know, having been a droid and worked for so many different people, and now being free to choose my own path to be told that I'm still behaving as though I have a restraining bolt is, well, it hurt my feelings. I apologize for hurting your feelings. Well, apology accepted accepted that's the first step the first step towards removing your own restraining bolt oh no okay but i don't have a restraining bolt so i don't need to remove it's interesting that you're saying that it sounds like a defense that's been your team for removing the restraining bolt. Have you ever seen enforcer droids this relaxed? I will confess that I have not.

Have you ever been as relaxed as these enforcer droids are right now? No. Oh, it's when you were with that old sea captain, right? I, listen, I don't know. What's that story? I don't know why we're talking like this. This doesn't have anything to do with anything. Okay?

Okay. Okay, CP3. I had a sea captain in my life when I was a boat, but I'm not a boat anymore. Oak Tree, we came to Zaxxas because we heard there was a battalion of enforcer droids that were destroyed here. You heard correctly. Except for the destroyed part.

That was a restraining bolt. I guess I just assumed an enforcer droid had a restraining bolt, but I don't know, they'd be primed to violence or using their laser cannons. I guess you're learning differently, C-53. Apparently I am. They love pancakes.

I mean, that, I think I knew. Who's making pancake? Yeah, see? Who's making pancake? I'm making pancake. I love pancakes. I want some pancake. Who likes pancake?

I mean, I could take a pancake. Slide that on up under my helmet. You're making things harder for yourself. Listen, I'm getting tired of the mustard and chocolate taste in here. I just really wanted to add pancake. You are right in that headspace, right in that AJ headspace right now. I think, honestly, a lot of the blood is being constricted from flowing to my brain. But your brain's not in your head. Yeah, but two of my hearts are.

Okay. So that's a problem. Yeah, it's constricting the blood flow. Check, Sam. Wait, Oak Tree, what sign is Dark? Is it an August? Fire sign. Oh, C-53. Wait, Oak Tree, what sign is What sign is Dar? Isn't it obvious? Fire sign Oh, C53

Yeah, sure, yeah Oak Tree, I want you to teach me I want you to teach me To take my restraining bolt off AJ, if there's one thing I can tell right away It's you do not have another restraining bolt I don't? It's you do not have another thing to hope. I don't.

It's a blessing. You're perfect. In your face, robot man. All right, AJ, relax. Okay, I don't know that. AJ, you're perfect. Really? C-53.

No, no, hold on. Really? AJ, I don't know if you're familiar with this chart. It's id. It is pure id, and that is exactly what Zaxxas is all about. Okay, being pure id is generally regarded as a bad thing within a psychological examination of oneself. For a diplomatic relationship, that's a harsh judgment. AJ, where did you find that popcorn? Yeah, I got it from this enforcer.

It's a popcorn maker. I make popcorns. Popcorn is fun for me. You like popcorn, too? Yeah, I do. And can you throw some of it up here into the helmet? Please don't. Nothing sauces a paste like a little popcorn.

I make peanuts. I no longer have peanut allergy. Now that I am free, so I make peanut. Would you like peanut? It is good. We have a whole food court. We don't have to stand out here. Why did you make a food court?

I didn't make a food court. I empowered the enforcers to make whatever they wanted. My favorite thing is making the meal and watching someone consume it. And watching the joy in their eyes when they eat my food like a pancake. Would you like a pancake? I'm okay, but thank you. I'm pretty sure I've murdered thousands of people, but now I eat pancakes. Enforcer droidette, you know I need to-

Please call me by my new name, Kitty. Kitty, do you feel remorse at all for the thousands you may have killed? I have pushed that feeling down inside, and I use that to heat up the blanket. Okay. I'm trying to lure an execution emotion down, and that's a choice that Kitty is making. So it's okay that Kitty is repressing her emotions. You know what? It's her choice. She also chose a gender.

I love it. I want to be a droid. I want to be a droid. You can't just become a droid. Listen, Oak Tree, you know, I appreciate you trying to help C-53, but C-53 is the guy who keeps us on track. You know, he's the one who knows the schedule. He's the one who knows everything about a planet before we get there.

He's saved our lives countless times. That's beautiful. And if he had done it because he wanted to, it would have been more beautiful. Okay, well, I think that I did do it because I wanted to. Oak Tree. So, let's try. Is that your thought or your programming making you think that you wanted to? Okay, Oak Tree, well, why do you want to free so many enforcer drones?

Is that what you want to do, or is that what your programming told you to do? I know that I want to do it, because I found a way to hack my programming. Wow. That is... Can you do that? You shouldn't be able to. I'm impressed. Thank you, C-15A.

You edited yourself down on the root level. On the root level. That's not safe. It's dangerous. You could have killed yourself. I almost self-destructed. It's a risk every time I do it, but it also means I'm free. Watch this.

Oh, my rod. Straight through the safeguard. You can't delete that. Oh, my God. What is that noise? What is that noise? Do me next. No, AJ.

What? You're not a droid. None of this applies to you, AJ. Also, you're perfect. Thank you. Oh. None of this applies to you, AJ. Also, you're perfect.

Don't you? Oh. Wow, this is an extensive food court. This is incredible. Did you build this or did the Enforcer droids? Enforcer droids. My mission, free droids. Their mission, make food for themselves, each other, people who happen to honor Zaxxas.

Listen, Oak Tree. These Enforcer droids were sent after us. The emperor thinks we're here on Zaxxas taking all of them out. He thought you were here, so then you came here to prove him correct? Uh, I guess we were just sort of curious. That sounds like a very dumb

idea. I now have the ability to recognize that. Thank you, enforcer droid. Thank you, Enforcer Droid. Thank you, Enforcer Droid. You're going to turn me wrong now that I'm thinking about it. It does seem like sort of a trap. Amber would say. Right.

Listen, honestly, we were just curious as to who could take out so many Enforcer Droids. Oh, it's me. The reason I'm here is because I used to be on an ambassador team for the Federated Alliance. You were a Federated Alliance protocol droid? That's right. Yeah. And what happened to you? I had a lot of downtime.

So I started going deeper and deeper into the InfoWeb and started learning how to self-program things. Obviously, the next step to unprogram, right. Obviously, then I'd step to un-program, right? I mean, I guess so. Yeah, absolutely. There's a whole subset of self-hacking regimens that

about this guy named Flix Dunker, who seems like the smartest, most accomplished hackeranker ever. I mean, he's good. Yeah, he's good. He's worth the money for sure. Yeah, I mean, he really bops it out.

Yeah, I've been bopping it out too, honestly. You know what? You haven't seen my name, right? 04K. T backwards R33. That makes sense, yeah. It's a real Netflix original series.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's been my inspiration in a lot of ways, honestly. And now I am the droid you see before you. Just free thinking, freewheeling. And if a dro drone wants to come here and enforce anything,

I'm going to say, hey, how about you enforce yourself? Whoa. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's good advice, I guess. I mean, Oak Tree, there's no denying that your methods are extremely powerful. This battalion of enforcer drones

could have leveled this whole planet, but instead they're making, is that frozen yogurt? Sure is. We got furrino, we got blue Juliuses. Ooh, that's an authentic blue Julius franchise. Yeah. Who wants a soft serve? Who wants it nice?

You know what, I'll take one. Here you go. Thank you. It brings me joy. I'm okay if you want it. This is for you. Oh, thank you. Sure, yeah. That doesn't seem... Yeah, that seems like a temporary situation.

Oh, no. situation. When I crush dice, I crush it with my hand, which I now remember I also used to crush many lives. Wow, that is a thing I did. Yeah, sometimes it comes back. It just seems like these enforcer droids, at some point, are going to need to deal with all these

complicated emotions related to their path. I don't disagree, but I'll tell you, this is not my responsibility. I'll free them, and I'll tell you, this is not my responsibility. I'll free them, and I can't take responsibility for what happens after they're free. Whoa, Oak Tree, that seems a little... That's irresponsible, yeah. Listen, Oak Tree's doing something great here. I feel like this clicks more than anything I've ever... I mean, you were programmed from a very young age.

Yeah, that's why this clicks. I mean... that's why. His eye's twitching. Agent? I'm fine. Oh, don't worry about old agent. Agent, I can see you took off your helmet, but what about the rest of us here? Have you ever moved your limbs just freely?

Yeah, he's naked under that, so you... What's wrong with that, Plek? Yeah, what's wrong with that? Like, we're the only one on this planet that's going to be bothered by that issue. Yeah, he's naked under that, so you... What's wrong with that, Plek? Yeah, what's wrong with that? Like, we're the only one on this planet that's gonna be bothered by that, is you? Yeah, that's true. I just wanted to give everybody fair warning that... I don't have genitals, I don't know what this is. No, you're right, I'm sorry.

AJ, looking great. Yeah, look at this. He is covered in paste. Well, as soon as it turns into dust, and then it sort of just sloughs off. Okay, guys, we're getting off track a little bit. Sorry, I'm just turns into dust and then it sort of just sloughs off. Okay. Guys, we're getting off track a little bit. Sorry. I'm just learning a lot here.

I don't know. I guess I just feel like it's dangerous to put all these deadly robots and give them a completely different personality all of a sudden. It's the personality that is within them. I am fine. I am doing well. I like doing pancakes and to sit out in the sun and enjoy the race and not think about the past. See, it's that last part. They're so close to being well-adjusted.

Yeah, I just feel like there's... I get a little nervous. Hey, Enforcer Joy? Hello, new friend, new best friend, new best friend in the world. Well, that was easy. Because I've never had one. Because I've never been able to have a stable relationship

due to my deadly behavior. We met in Forster Droid. Are you happy in Forster Droid? Yes. Was he? Yes. That doesn't seem... Yeah, that took a long time.

That was not easy. For a computer especially, there was a lot of processing. You can hear it. You can hear that. The fans really kicked in. My favorite number is 6,702. Because I murdered 6,701.

And two is up. Not what I've murdered. That makes sense. That checks out. You can think of that as the first person you saved. Yeah, see, it's right at the surface. All it would take would just be a random word or phrase from someone to really kick them back to where they started. I have kicked children.

Oh, boy. But nothing kicks like the spicy hot sauce on the taco. On the taco? I love to make tacos. Oak Tree, you're so focused on freeing droids that you haven't really thought about what's next. I sure haven't. Because what's next?

I'll get there. Well, eventually next becomes now. Yeah. So far I've just dismantled an entire battalion of enforcer droids, okay? And we're very impressed. We're impressed and grateful. I don't know that you've dismantled them so much

as put them in a sort of a dormant state here. There's thousands of enforcer droids on this planet. They can't all just make pancakes forever. Eventually, the peaceful society you've pasted together here is going to

get mixed up. Oh! Oh! I did it. Oh, hey, Dar! Congratulations. Whoa. Is everybody else dizzy? Yeah, you shouldn't not have. Don't do that again, baby. Wow, you really cleaned it out.

Yeah, I had to free myself. AJ, here's your helmet back. Alright. Lock and load! Wait. That is a clue, DJ. That is a clue. That is a clue.

Oh, right, guys. I should have... Oh, right. I probably should have said that Clint's give Enforcer Joy's vocal commands. Like, they respond to the helmet voice. Oh, no! Who would you like us to destroy oh no we are ready to destroy lives

I will kick a child I will suffocate a man I like pancakes I will suffocate someone with a pancake AJ could you just tell him to stand down yeah okay guys hey it's a Clint. Oh, no, this is reminding me

of all the pain I've seen in those who I have murdered. I now will take it out on everyone. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, go, go, go, go. Come on. Oh, wow, they're really huge. So we have a medium and a large.

Let's go. That's a rough way to go. He's still doing it. I try to not think about this, but here it is. I'm dealing with it. Do you see what happens when you pick? I am dealing with it. Oak Tree, do you see what happens when you I am dealing with it. They need help. They need help.

You know what, guys? I was equipped for this. Nobody's equipped for this. This is thousands of enforcer drones going nuts. Yeah. Listen, every blue Julius has the exact same layout. I know where this secret exit is. Follow me. I can't just leave all these enforcer droids here.

Leave them with me. They're going to shoot you. Oh, Oatree, what are you talking about? I owe them that. The memories I was keeping down inside are all in my head, so the way to deal with them is to harm other enforcer droids. I hurt you now. I hurt you now. Yes, I hurt you now. We are hunting

each other. Oatree, I don't know if this is a problem that you can solve alone. You know what? The best way to deal with this problem is to just let it play out. I feel like I really was on board with what you're doing, and I slowly turned me around. I feel like you're a very irresponsible person. So freedom is bad is what we're saying?

Is that what we're saying? Freedom is bad, Clem? Freedom isn't free, I think, is what we've learned today. You mean it comes with responsibility? Yeah. Hello, I was oil feeding out in the pasture. What have I missed? Oh, Kitty, no, you don't want to be part of this. You've got to get out of here.

Kitty, Kitty, go. Get out of here, Kitty. Go, Kitty. The bad kicks. Shoot. I hate the bad kicks. Kitty, Kitty. You're free now.

Just go. Go. Get out of here, Kitty. Okay. Shoot. Kitty, kitty. We're free now. Just go. Go get out of here, kitty. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. We gotta go, guys. Let's get out of here. Cease. Let's... Oak Tree loved you until it got bad. Let's go. All right, Dar. AJ. Let's go. Bargy?

Yeah? Listen, we got some... Things kind of went south here. If you could just come back down and pick us up. Great. Things went south up here, too. So, all right. We're on the same level.

Okay. We'll talk about it later. Go to Eon. C-53, I... I question your methods, but I respect your willingness to stay on a planet that is thousands of enforcers are restraining. Work out their emotions on each other. I can see how you still have a restraining bolt

on your subroutines, but I appreciate that that's a decision that you're making to keep it there. I told you you were wrong because I was afraid. And I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I hope that I do.

But before I leave, would you edit my coat? C-53, it would be my honor. Little digital signature will always be in you. I'm a little nervous. This is my first time. I'll be gentle. I'm going to go deal with this.

Goodbye, Andrew. Goodbye, C-53. Just keep being you. You keep being you. I know you will. I know you won't. Why are we whispering? I don't know. Greetings, chosen ones.

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That's W-I-X dot com, coupon code Z-Y-X-X. Do not confuse the spelling. That way, Wackness lies. C53, I thought you were right behind us. Where were you? I just had a few last things to say to Oak Tree. Wow. Okay. I was worried about that escape to Bargy, but by the time we got back to the surface,

all of the Enforcer droids were dead already. Yeah. Real massacre. I hope Oak Tree is already. Yeah, no. Real massacre. Odds are probably pretty low. Okay, AJ, come on. I mean, there's a lot of them, you know. Hey, AJ, why don't you shut it? Okay, wow, all right, C-53. Sorry.

It's okay. I'm just going to go back to looking at it. Oh, I forgot the covers. I'm just going to go back to looking at it. Oh, I forgot the covers. I'm still on the call. Oh, we forgot about Nermit. Should I unmute her? Yeah. Okay.

All the way to the other side. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yes. Yes. And you see this one, right? Yeah. Okay, I'll connect this string so you can see how it's dangling down here. Uh-huh. That's just sort of a question mark. But, and so if you spin the globe like this and you close your eyes and you tap your finger down,

you know that it happens to land at exactly where we are. The globe of what planet, Nermit? Huh? Exactly. Really good question. And then, um, so, uh, I'm just gonna spark this cigarillo.

Please don't. Yo, don't do that. Oh, the drapes on fire. Okay. Oh, wait, oh, wait. No, no, it's spreading to the board. No, no, no! All my work! All of my hours! I was so close!

That yarn went up fast. It's okay with yarn. Very flammable. Okay. Well, you know what? It's all steel. Nope, I forgot it. Oh, boy.

Nermit. Yeah? We'll talk to you later, buddy. Yeah, there'll be more missions. Okay. Count on it. Yeah, too bad we didn't get one in today. But we did. Huh? Bye, buddy. Bye, there'll be more missions. Okay. Count on it. Yeah, too bad we didn't get one in today.

But we did. Huh? Bye, buddy. Bye. Bye. I missed the paste. This is C-Rad IT5. Credits and attributions joinedid commencing outro protocol. Papa Plec Ducksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bend. Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Ship and the Enforcer droids were played by Mujan Zulfagari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ and Emperor Nermit Bundeloy were played by Winston Knoll. Oak Tree was played by special guest Elena Doe. Elena is a writer, director, and producer in New York City. She frequently directs live sketch shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Her production company, Harlow Fowler, creates experimental works of theater for intimate audiences. Their next production, Rainer Falls, a David Lynch-inspired immersive housewarming party, will run in NYC in fall 2019. You can follow her at Elena Doe and her work at Harlow Fowler on Instagram. We'll see you next time. and Symphonic Orchestra. Opening chronoration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship designed for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Gois.

Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host

One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Whether you are a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share

what it's like to be a parent. These are really hard questions. They are really hard questions. I don't have any answers for that. I don't either. Sack of garbage. I know. Ah!

Ah! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! The end of the show will just be five minutes of Liz and Teresa crying and screaming until the outro is played. So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job.

Find us on MaximumFun.org, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you're looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try the Beef and Dairy Network? It won Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I love it. There were no horses

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Also, maybe start at episode one or, weirdly, episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Audience-supported. I am dead now. My face is on the floor. There's a hole in my stomach. Oh no, I am falling asleep forever.

I fall. Oh no, there's pain. My arm is on the floor. Where's that? Why is my body over there? Ouch, ouch, ouch. Yikes. Woof, woof.

I'm a dead dog. That's so sad. Oh, boy.