Mission To Zyxx - 315: Scatting in the Shower [ft. Frank Garcia Hejl]

Episode Date: July 3, 2019

Starring: Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Jeremy Bent as C-53 Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy, Das and Daz Winston Noel as AJ and Dag Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie, Paula, Dab, and Day With special guest Frank Garcia Hejl as Dad Edited by Seth Lind Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast This episode is sponsored by Wix Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist, and also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zemanite Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2-6. AC-53?

Yes? How does my shirt look? I just want to make sure it's nice and clean for today. What is your shirt? What's going on today? Nothing. I just wanted... You know, sometimes, AJ, you've got to take care of your appearance, you know?

Yeah. For no reason in particular. Plek? Yeah, Barji, what's up? Go into your room. Okay. Inside your room, you know that tiny closet that's full of my boxes? Yep.

One of those could be, you know, a GIFT. Really? Okay, yeah, sure. What's a GIFT? It's, uh... Is it a planet? Is it a new kind of species? What's a GIFT? Well, they're very dangerous. Oh, okay, all right. Be careful, Bob.

Do you want me to go in and pick it out? No, I'm good. No, no, no. I'm good. Thank you. Thank you, Bargy. Okay. But not the smallest box.

Okay. That's pure hyper-proton fuel. What? For when I need it most. Bargy, you have hyper- hyper proton fuel on the ship. Oh, crap. And it's, you're saying it's in the smallest box? Pargy.

What? Pargy, why would you say that out loud? I'm just, you know. What did I do? Like, what did I do? You actually let me take a hug. No, C-53, you are in the midnight shadow. Who knows what would happen?

Mr. Robot Man, you've got to be careful about that guy that's been there. Yeah, I'm just saying. I should probably take a hug. Mr. Robot Man, you've got to be careful about that guy that's been there. Yeah, I'm just saying. I should probably check it out. AJ, everything's C-53. I will grab... It can decay very fast. I understand that. I will grab the geift.

Be careful, Papa. I'll cover you. Thanks, AJ. Yeah, you got it. What are you all doing? What are we not doing? What are we not doing? Nothing. We do nothing all the time. Why would we do something?

It's just you're all creeping on tiptoe in the direction of Plex Bedroom. Dar, I mean, obviously, C-53 moves silently. So, I mean, he's on tiptoes all the time. AJ is a super soldier, essentially. That's right. And I... Tiptoe is the fastest running. Yes, it's true.

The fastest doing lines. Yeah. Wow. And I, as a certified Zima knight, I walk on tiptoe all the time to increase the space between my heel and the floor. Uh-huh. Yeah, I think you'll find that makes perfect sense, Jack. Yeah.

Up at Exeter, I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit. Up at Exeter, I can wrap that guy for 12 hours. Okay, that's fine. I'll just wrap that. Hello, Nermit. Hey, guys. How are you? I'm terrific.

How are you? Good. Good to see you all. Wow. Everything looks standard? Yeah. Yep. All looks standard. Yeah. Yep. All systems nominal. Here aboard the Bargeria Jade, the ship that we are on.

Great. Yeah. Look at me run. Wow. Tiptoes. Whoa. Oh, cartwheels. AJ's got the zoomies, but otherwise we're all good. Well, let's do a mission. Great.

Our greatest delight in the universe is to undertake missions. Let's do this. Shows the right job. And the universe is to undertake missions. Let's do this. It shows the right job. And I am so psyched because this is what I love to do. That's it. Every day I love your missions and I can't wait to hear about this one. What is wrong with everybody? Dara, we're just trying to have a good mission, you know?

Yeah, let's do this. Let's mission it up. You guys are going to meet with an individual who is going to provide a precious piece of intel on a chip. It's going to help us take down the Emperor. Great. Sounds like an extreme. Hooray. Hooray.

Count us in. Send those cords and we'll be on our way. Great. So this is Paula's banquet hall. Great. And you're going to need to go into the back room. Okay. At 0144 in the afternoon

Yeah, alright Great This is the fastest we have ever gotten through a mission briefing I know, right? We're getting better Yeah, Dirt, consider how long we've been a crew I think we just finally hit our stride Yes, good Yeah, I think that we're all just pregnant with possibilities.

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whom we may hire to lend professional design advice, help with setting up online sales, graphic design services, and more. And if you go to Wix.com and use the coupon code ZIX, you'll get 10% off any premium plan, with more storage, a free domain for a year, and more. Wix.com slash Zix. Keep it wet. Papa, do I have to keep this blindfold on still?

Uh, yeah, yes, yes. This is a diplomatic function of this planet. It's customary to be blindfolded when meeting dignitaries. You got it. All right. Why do you all sound so confident with your blindfolds on? For the same reason we're all so confident when we tiptoe. Hey, it's Paula.

Okay, I'm going to open the door, okay? Where am I? One, two, Paula. Okay, I'm going to open the door, okay? Where am I? One, two, three. Surprise! What's going on? I'm sorry. Should I take my blindfold off now? Darn, yeah.

Take your blindfold off. Should I take my blindfold off? Maybe. Yeah. Take your blindfold off and put your blaster down. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. There they are. Dad?

Oh, yeah. It's me. Catch me. Gotcha. Wow. I'm going to spin you around. Look at you. Look at you. Oh, my goodness. What's going on? I'm so proud at you. Look at you.

Oh, my goodness. What's going on? I'm so proud of you. I'm going to cry. Oh, Dad. If you cry, I'm going to cry. What's going on? AJ, this is Dad.

This is Star's parent, Dad. Hey, pleasure to meet you. My name is... But you can call me Dad. Hey, pleasure to meet you. My name is But you can call me Dad. Oh, pleasure to meet you, Dad. Oh. Bye, Dad. Ah, put it here. Wow. Ah. Okay. Watch out. That's right.

My whole body. So, Dar's dad is the contact that we're supposed to meet? AJ, AJ, it was a surprise party. We didn't tell you because we knew you couldn't keep the secret. I kept the secret when you told contact that we're supposed to meet? AJ, AJ, it was a surprise party. We didn't tell you because we knew you couldn't keep the secret. I kept the secret when you told me that you're scared of Bungie fruit. Okay, that's not, well, you obviously didn't because you just told everyone. What is it about Bungie fruit? It's a fruit with fur.

I don't like it. It's got hair on it. I'm the only fruit with hair on it. Dad, it is great to finally meet you after I mean, these years, these couple years With Dar on the road I've heard so much about you You did?

Well, that's nice, Dar Dar's never mentioned you to me Well, it's great to meet Dar's friends Yeah, well, yeah Yeah, these are my friends Oh, that sounds like so much fun. Oh, it's so good to see you. Oh, it's really great to see you, too.

It's so good to see you. I miss you. Dar, I hope you'll forgive us, but we went behind your back and contacted Dan about setting up this surprise baby show. Yeah, I asked Paula. I said, can we use your banquet hall for my little dar? And Paula said no at first because there was another event happening. But I reminded Paula that we go back. And Paula said, well, you know, you're putting me in a difficult position.

And I said, Paula, come on. Why do we give a shit about this? We got history. What was that guy? Nothing. I didn't speak to him. Isn't my dad the best at telling stories? Yeah, so anyway, I'm talking to Paula.

Of course. And then Paula says, I don't want to have this conversation anymore. So, exactly right. Hey, pal, what do you work out with? Me? Yeah What do I work out with? Mostly, I'm so glad you asked Mostly a wood saber

Oh, must be nice Yeah, thank you May I just say that you look as strong as Dar Exactly as strong as Dar. What are the differences between Dar and Dad on a physical level? Almost indistinguishable. Indistinguishable? I'm saying other than the voice, you're extremely similar to Dad.

It's weird how you all look alike. Super weird. I wouldn't say it's weird. I mean, y'all look alike to me. Bye-bye. No, you can't. I wouldn't say it's... Y'all look alike to me. Bye-bye. No, you can't. And Uncle Doc and Uncle Doc, I miss you so much. Look at me, I'm grown now.

Here, let me throw you up in the air. Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! C-33, is that a child of Darth's species? I think so. They're the exact same height and weight.

I mean, they all look alike. Am I crazy? I mean, yes. To a Tullerian, can I ask Dad, how long does it take for a young member of your species to go from birth to full size? Oh, I would say about 30 to 40 seconds. Okay. Yeah. All right, Dan, you're done.

It's my turn. Throw me. All right, here we go. Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi!

Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi!

Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi!

Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi!

Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi!

Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi!

Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi!

Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Hoi!

Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Well, that's why you get tallest banquet hall. Very high ceilings. Yeah, very high ceilings. Wait, let me join. Let me join, too.

All three of us. Okay, now. We, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, Don't forget old dad. Let old dad get in there. Okay. All right! Just to be clear, it's... Darn. Dad. Damn. Damn. Dope.

That sounds right. That's a family. Ha ha. What is it that you do? Oh, well, so I actually work with Dar, and we're part of a diplomatic team. We have visits to planets and... Sounds fishy to me. Oh, um...

You know what's a good diplomatic relation? Oh, what's a good diplomatic relation? Your family. That is a relationship you should diplomatize. Dara, they're off wearing small clothes. What do they do out there, huh? Drugs?

Parties? Guns? Violence? drugs parties guns violence rock and roll music murders drugs roll and rock music books I'll grab you a bunch of... Roll and rock music! Books!

Books. Hey, Dar, it's me, Dar. Your high school sweetheart. Wow, you look amazing. Oh. Wow, our chemistry is still there. You know, if you stayed, it could have really been something, but it's too late now.

Oh, wow. Who did you end up in a sexless marriage with? Me, Das. Das, your best friend from high school? Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah, it's amazing. You know what? I brought our junior year yearbook.

Hey, everybody, look at Dar's picture. Check it out. That's sweet. Isn't that amazing? I remember that, Dar. That's when you were going by Norm. Check it out. Isn't that amazing? I remember that, Dar. That's when you were going by Norm. Oh yeah, always needed to be different. What a haircut.

Everybody doesn't look the same in this yearbook to me. Thank you, AJ. Dar, I have to ask a question about this picture. What are those wires running between each of your chest talons? It's not terribly common here, but I had

crooked chest talons when I was a teenager. Sorry, that was my fault. That was your fault? Because when I was carrying Dard a term, I kind of, I was a little addicted. To what?

To Pazlar You know Pazlar? Hell of an addiction to Pazlar Pazlar, yeah Yeah Yeah And at the time I thought, it's harmless You know, we didn't know back then

We didn't know what we know now. You know, Dad, you know, I have really just, I really enjoyed getting to know Dar. Oh. And I just want to say you raised a really great kid. Oh, that is so nice of you. That is so nice. Can I pick you up? Me?

Oh, wow. Yes. You know, I think it's... Oh, wee! Woo-hoo! Okay. Yeah! Yeah! I dropped you.

Okay. Wow. Wow. Okay. Yeah, that is a real treat. Yeah. You know, Dara has never thrown me like that. You don't throw.

Well... You've never thrown me like that. You don't throw. Well. You've never thrown your friends. No, it's because you always threw me. Well, I mean. It's our thing. I know, but you gotta. Dar, throw me. Throw me.

Okay. Give it a shot, Dar. It's not a test, but throw me. Uh-oh. A little far. Dar, you gotta go sort of straight up. It's just of all the singular windows to be open in the banquet

hall, I had to toss them out that way. That was my request. One open window. Hey, here. This kid landed in my truck. Oh, thank you so much. You're welcome. That guy's a real prick.

You know that? You know that? And you know what? Chuck all you. Okay. That's... Chuck you too. Oh my goodness.

You know what? You know what? I'm going to kill you at Exmars. You got to find me first. Tara, you were serious? Every Exmars, someone dies on the planet? Yeah. Dad is, whew, he's an ace shot.

Wow. That is correct. Wow. Dad, what do you do for work here on? Well, I don't work so much anymore since the accident, but, you know. What accident? I'm so sorry. Well, you know, I didn't want to bother you. I didn't want to worry you

or anything. What was the accident, though? Oh, there was a giant blade cut right through me. What? What? Oh, yeah, huge blade. You know, there was a ship taking off, and I guess it was just kind of, you know, not put together so well, and that thing

just went... Dad is being modest, okay? Oh not put together so well. And that thing just went. Dad is being modest. Oh, don't worry her. The blade killed him. He was dead for five months. Yeah, okay. It's not a big deal. It took all of our medical professions to bring him back to life.

And he's like, don't tell Dar. Don't tell Dar. It's not a big deal. We mourned him. Dax! He was buried in the ground. Beautiful flowers. Two pieces. Two pieces. Cut and twain. We buried buried in the ground. Beautiful flowers. Two pieces.

Two pieces. Cut in twain. We buried him in two places. Okay, Dag, we get it. Dax, why didn't anyone call me? Hey, you're busy. You're out there doing whatever you're doing in your big old space with your fancy friends. Yeah, I don't want to.

Okay, just because I left the planet doesn't mean I don't care about all of you, especially Dad. Oh, it's fine. I just died for five months, and I was brought back by our best scientists and doctors. Two places we put them. Dag. And I guess they miss me so much. You know, I'm well-liked around here. They put me together.

Dad, I'm glad you're okay. Oh, it's fine. Well, I'm excited you're okay. Oh, it's fine. Well, I'm excited because you're a robot. You're a robot. Yes, I did. When I was younger, I used to dream about being a robot. Really? Yeah. A plaque?

Yeah. Do you think I'm a bad child? No, not at all, Dar. You're a great child, I think. But Dad died, and I didn't even know. I mean... I think I have to move back home. What? No, Dar.

You can't. We've come so far. Yeah, but... I'm legitimately the only one of my species that doesn't live here. Seriously? Yeah. It's just me. I'm the only one who ever left.

Wow. Yeah, that's a lot of pressure. Yeah. Yeah. Dar, it's pretty isolating for you, huh? Oh. Yes. You definitely could say that.

I'm just saying, like like all these people seem really happy And they've all stayed That one bought a house quite recently Yeah, everyone here owns their own house No way Yeah Man, must be nice You don't own property though, do you?

Well, not yet But once my cryptocurrencies, you know Take like There's still time for me to turn this around before I have a family And that's how I book Paula's banquet hall. That is great. Wild. Wow.

It's even better the second time, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very nice. What a journey. Uh-huh. So you work for DAR?

Well, I work with DAR, yeah. But you work, DAR's the captain. And you work for DAR? Well, I work with DAR, yeah. But you work, DAR's the captain. And you work for them. Well, the ship is sentient, actually, the Bargerian Jade. So why is there a crew? Well, I like to think we're sort of just passengers, you know. So why doesn't the ship just do the missions? Well, because Bargy couldn't, I mean, Bargy's not really.

But the ship can talk, right? Right, but Bargy can't really. So why isn't the ship just doing the missions? I don't know. If I was in charge, I would just cut the crew out, just make the ship do all the missions. I think it's. I mean, think about it. Who do I need to tell?

Who should I write to say that the ship should just do the missions by herself? Dag, just imagine a situation in which a ship has to, like, for example, sit in a throne room or attend a parliamentary. Okay, okay. So you work for Dar. Well, I mean, I would say we are coworkers. I would say we're both right at the same level. Well, if Dar left this planet, they better be working at the top is what I have to say.

Why leave? Well, the galaxy's pretty big. You know, you can't just be in charge once you leave. You know, there's a long... So you've been all over the galaxy. Oh, well, yeah. So you know there's no better place than this planet. Why would you ever want to leave?

It's all here. Um, yeah. We got mountains. You see how the mountain raged over there? Yeah, very beautiful. Beautiful mountains. Trees. Yeah. It's all here. Um, yeah. We got mountains. You see a mountain raging over there? Yeah, very beautiful, beautiful mountains. Trees. Yeah. Lousy wind. Yeah, no, they're great trees. A lot of planets. Lakes and rivers.

Uh-huh. Why would they ever want to leave? Everything we have is on our planet. There's no need to leave. Well, yeah, but there's a lot of stuff out in the galaxy, you know, not only is there beautiful things to see and people to meet, but there's adventures to go on, and there's things worth... There's heroic deeds.

You could do all that here. Okay. You could have heroic deeds here. That's what I kept telling Dar, but they wouldn't listen. They wouldn't listen to old Dave. Nobody listens to old Dave. Have you always sounded like that? Well, have you always sounded like that?

Uh, well... I don't know. Dad you always sounded like that? Well, have you always sounded like that? I don't know, man. It's always sounded like this. Dag, I gotta go. I gotta go. I'm sorry. Are you walking out of this? Nobody walks out on Dag. Who's ready

for games? Party games. Party games. Everybody loves that party games? Party games Party games Everybody loves that party games Party games Party games Everybody loves those party games Alright, tag Alright, everybody

You got all the chairs in a circle You're gonna sit down in a circle You're gonna see there's an You're gonna see there's an envelope under every chair Everybody get down there. You get to head to head. I haven't played a party game in a long time. This is going to be exciting.

What name did you get, Plek? What name did I get? That's the person you have to tackle before they tackle you. Oh, no. Who's Plek? Oh, no. Who is Dab? Do you submit?

Oh, Dab looks like I have you with gender only. My shoes aren't the way they used to be. Oh, well, listen, Day, it's... I'm dying! Whoa, look at this this is frightening day today isn't your

day alright I've got Dab let's do this Dab oh wow okay let's do this fine okay

just putting my finger on your head I won't submit I will not alright let's baby shower this let's do this. Fine. Okay. Just putting my finger on your head. Oh, I heard you, but I won't submit. I will not. All right. Let's baby shower this. Let's do it.

Yep. All right. I'm just going to gently throw you across the room. Right out that window. Listen. Listen. One kid lands in my truck. Okay.

That's fine. Just a second. You know what, Chuck you. Are you just hanging out in the parking lot? Where else am I going to vape? Stop launching. Hey, you're back. You're in fuck. He dug right through the ground.

It looks like I found death. That's me. Oh, hello. Hi. Looks like we're supposed to wrestle each other. Okay. Fine, just hit me, I guess. Oh, I don't feel fully comfortable with this.

I'm only two years old. My favorite toy is a Garfunkel. This is a ruse, a hardcore ruse. I've never been hugged before. I don't know. I'm so sorry for you. Why don't I just come in? Ah!

That's our game. Are you okay? Yes, I'm fine. This game rules. Oh, thanks, yeah. That guy's pretty cool. I bickered with him. Okay.

Hey, Dar? Yeah? How is that party game, like, how is that related to the baby shower? Finding your opponent and wrestling them to the ground? Yeah, like, how is that related to the baby shower? Finding your opponent and wrestling them to the ground? Yeah, like, why is that traditional in a baby shower? Well, I guess there are lots of struggles that you will have with your child one day, and, you know, you could win or they could win. Wow, that's a really powerful metaphor.

And also, obviously, when you reach full maturation in 30 to 40 seconds, it's either tackle or be tackled. Yeah, I guess that makes sense, yeah. Okay, before we do another game, I think we should have some cake. Woo! Okay, yum yum, yes, woo! Oh, yeah, one yes. Woo! Oh. Yeah.

One cake. Here it is. That's right. Hi. Remember, I'm a girl. We didn't forget. I might be a cater waiter, but also my fists go on fire using the space. Oops, sorry, sorry, sorry. Enjoy the cake. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Enjoy the cake.

Thank you. Dad, I couldn't help but notice that this is just a very specifically 19-inch tall cake. Yeah. Yay! Hi, Dar! It's, oh, like, too much frosting. It's me, it's Nermit. Oh, it's Nermit. No, that was, that was evidence.

Hey, Nermit. Hey, and inside here is not just me, but my keyboard. All right. Oh, no. Put that in the, get this into the, yay, okay. And let's see, I got a microphone. Wow, how exciting. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes. Okay. And the cowbell. Oh. How exciting. Yeah. Okay. Oh. Alright. Dad? Yeah? Do you know why Nermit chose to hide in the cake and just didn't surprise me with everybody else?

Oh, I don't know. So, we're gonna eat the cake? No, guys. Alright, everybody. This is a song I wrote for this occasion I want to thank everyone for making it out to the big event

dad and I are just pumped one two three four grow grow growing inside

you you you is a ti ti ti tinier you you gonna pop out gonna be just like you just like you.

Just like you. Okay, I'm choking on some frosting. This is the most disgusting song ever. I got some frosting. I like it. Yeah, yeah, get up here. Get up here, one. No, that's alright.

Okay. Guys, thanks so much. Did I miss my part? Oh. Here, I'll keep playing Did I miss my part? Oh. Here, I'll keep playing. It was mostly scatting. I'll keep playing while you sing. Take it, Dad. Go for it.

Go for it, Dad. Okay. Okay. Woo! Yeah, Dad! Yes! Yeah, lay it on me. Aw, Chuck, yeah.

Are you guys hearing this? He's a scat dad. Aw, yeah. There I go, there I go, there I go right now. There is literally not a better scatter than Dan. Hello, hi, what's going on? Oh, nothing much. Oh, this is the best part. This is the best part.

Dude, the characters within the sketch. Oh, hey there, neighbor. Oh, hey! What's going on? Oh, nothing much. Hey, C-53, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, absolutely. C-53, I just realized something. Tar's dad is a goof.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I assumed that right away from his loose-fitting floral shirt and cargo shirt. Yeah, I mean, I just, it's not who I would have pictured as Dar's parent. Yeah. But I gotta say, you know, with the singing and the stories that go nowhere, you know who

he reminds me of? Nermin. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Like, I feel like they're very similar people. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Just a little bigger and with, and more confidence. You're being kind. You're being kind. What? People falling for people? Remind them of their parents?

It's not uncommon. I think there's something there. What are you guys talking about? Nothing. I did nothing. I love great sketching. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Where did you learn how to sketch? Oh, there's a college. There's a university here that you can go for. Oh, hey there. Oh, there's a college. There's a university here that you can go for for them. Hey there. Oh, hey. Oh, so good to meet you in person. Yeah. You seem so cool. You know, I love the cake thing. Right?

Isn't that funny? I think it's really I think it's really swell. Yeah. Hey, where'd you get that floral? Where'd you get that floral shirt? Oh, I ordered this from Zags Floral Online on the InfoWeb. Zags? Yeah, two-day shipping with the offer code. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a member. Are you? Yeah. Look at this. I have my card right here. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay, you've got the platinum.

You're in Zaggy Boy's member club, too? Yeah, I'm a Zaggy Boy, all right. Yeah, wow. Hey, you want to do the zaggy boy shake yeah an online shirt company has a their own dance you know is it is it can i call can i call you dad actually that's their name oh so yeah you could definitely call me that cool cool

i mean i just like i it's so great to finally meet you because i um i mean i hope i'm not out of line to say that i i i i i'm gonna care for this child so much oh well i would say that's pretty in line huh you said i hope i'm not out of line yeah and i said i say that's pretty in line. Huh? You said, I hope I'm not out of line. Yeah. And I said, I think it's pretty in line. Oh, cool. Like my favorite type of skates. What do you want me to call you?

Me? Just, you know what? Normally I ask for Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy, but why don't you just call me Nermit? Yeah, okay, because I'm not going to say the other one. Okay. Nermit. Dad, I'm so I'm not going to say the other one. Okay. Nermit. Dad, I'm so glad that you're a cool parent. Eh.

I was nervous because, like, obviously, as the father of Dar's child, I just... The what? As the father of... I don't follow. So I... Okay, here we go Dar and I have

We've had a lot of sex Okay Wow Oh nice I didn't know that Nermit You don't have to As the father

I keep saying that word But you're not the one carrying Nermit, you don't have to. You know, just as the father, this is incredible. I keep saying that word, but you're not the one carrying. No, no, no. Dar's carrying the child. So then what the jack are you talking about, okay? You know, I really like you, but for the love of Rod. Okay, Nermit, so I never really wanted to have to explain this to you. I thought, you know, you'd just kind of get the idea.

No, I don't pick up on hints. So when two people jerk, it activates something inside of the parent. something inside of the parent. And as everyone on my planet is equipped with both female and male organs, we then self-procreate. Wow. And I am the father and mother. Oh. Hmm. Oh!

Okay. Congratulations. The term is pathogenesis if you are curious about the actual technical... I'm actually going to crawl back in the cake. Oh, yep. It's just a pile of crumbs. You're just going to pile it back on

to that thing. Come on, now. Now you're just ruining the sides of the cake. Oh, goodness. It's like he's burying himself in the sand. His little butt's sticking out. I've got to tell you, I mean, how depressing must it be to be on a planet where everybody's the exact same? You know?

Yeah. It's like the only people around are the people who are, like, genetically identical to you. Yeah, you don't identify with that. You're talking about a bummer. You don't identify with that in any way. Why would I? Huh? What? Growing up with this, wasn't everyone the same?

Yeah, I mean, sure, we were the same height, same weight, same genetic material, same hair color, eye color, facial features, but, you know, our voices sort of are a little different. And, you know, we all sort of have different names for one another. So it's kind of a different situation than here. Is it, though? Okay, okay, here's the difference. Okay.

I think it's a totally different thing because I, like, left the Clint's and kind of do my own thing. And most other Clint's just stay at home. So this is like a different thing. Your situation has nothing in common with your situation. I'm glad you agree. Also I was sort of the

alpha. I was always sort of a parent that I was destined for greater things. What does being the alpha mean to you? I know what's going on. I was intelligent. Battle ready. My butt gun comes like, I know what's going on. I was intelligent. Battle ready. My butt gun comes out faster than anyone else's.

Is that something Clint's been bragging about? If we would time it, we'd see how fast it took to pass. Wow. Everyone. Everyone, I want to give a speech to my dar. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Okay. Oh boy. Dar. Dad.

I just want to say that you know even though you are the only being that has left this planet, you know, usually any parent would be a little disappointed in that, but that's not me. I'm not disappointed. I'm proud. You know, there was once upon a time I wanted to get off this rock.

Be a robot, maybe. But I didn't do that. I didn't chase my dreams. I didn't have the courage to do that. But, Dar, you've done more. You know, you read about many planets. And you think, oh, that's impressive. But none of them are as impressive as you.

You're my star, Dar. You're my star. Oh, Dad. Come here. Hit! Whee! Whee! Come here.

Wee! Dad, for that being one of the shortest, most direct speeches you've ever told, I still really liked it. But if you wanted to ramble on for like 18 more minutes, I'd be happy with that too. Okay, I'll do that. Oh. Darmy, would you just move on to the generalities? Sure. The geifs?

The geifs? No, not the geifs. No, AJ. Hold your... No! Let's go, let's go! You're not taking this! Get behind me, I got it!

Wow. All those gifts. A butter or cashmere sweater. Ugh. Oh, wait. So, yeah. AJ shot up all the gifts, and then Paula asked us to leave. So, you really didn't miss all that much, Bargy. Yeah.

You know, honestly, I should just be doing the missions myself. To be continued... C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn Dar was played by Ali Kokesh Barge to the Ship, Paula, Dab, and Day were played by Mlujanzal Fagari Master Missions Operations Manager Nirmat Bundeloy and Daz, the Truck Vapor, were played by Seth Lynn AJ and Dag were played by Winston Knoll Dad was played by special guest Frank Garcia-Hell You can see Frank perform on Saturday nights at UCB Sunset in LA with the Sketch Group Squadron and in the movie Scare Package coming out later this year Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at Frank Garcia Hill. This episode was edited by Seth Lind and sound designed and mixed by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Donkey Jr.'s Puppy

Palace in Brooklyn and HeadGum in Los Angeles. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening call narration by Jeremy Cratchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Gois. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. What do you look for in a book? Literally, if on the back it said, like, this book made me shit my pants, I'd be like, that's, I'm buying this book. Like, I think the problem with blurbs a lot of times. I like that we both want to crap ourselves over books. What's the best way to e-read in the tub? Listen to that noise.

I'm reviewing a plastic bag today. How do you find a good book? This is the most fucked up weird shit you've ever read. Oh yeah, you're like into it.

Hand it over. Take my money. I'm Brea Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Meara. We're Reading Glasses and we solve all your bookish problems every Thursday

on Maximum Fun. All right. This one is about some books. One, two, one, two, three, four. Hi, everybody. My name is Justin McElroy. And I'm Sydney McElroy. And together, we're the hosts of Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine.

What does that mean for you, the podcast consumer? Well, it means that you're going to get a lot of stories about how we used to do weird stuff to people in order to try to fix them. Do you know that we used to think diseases were caused by bad smells and that we used to eat mummies for medicine? That's super funny. I kind of like it. Well, thanks. And we hope you'll kind of like our show, Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. It's available every Friday wherever fine podcasts are sold or at its beautiful picturesque home at MaximumFun.org. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Audience supported. Hey, Dad? Yeah? Maybe you could clarify something for me. Everybody on the whole planet goes by a three-letter name that starts with the letter D. Correct. D-A. Wow.

That can get maybe confusing. No. All right. Good talk. This lasagna is very good. Yeah. You know how lasagna is made? In noodles and sauce?

Correct. And then cheese on the top, right? If you want.