Mission To Zyxx - 318: Malice in Chains [ft. Brennan Lee Mulligan]

Episode Date: July 24, 2019

Starring:Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterJeremy Bent as C-53Allie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy and lava crowsWinston Noel as AJ and Leximar PwenchMoujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and lava crowsWith special guest Brennan Lee Mulligan as Kor BalevoreEdited by Seth Lind and Alden FordRecording, sound design and mix by Shane O’ConnellMusic composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony OrchestraOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric GeuszAudio hosting by SimplecastThis episode is sponsored by Wix.Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.In or near the UK? Join us on September 15th for our first-ever international live show at the London Podcast Festival!

This is SeaRed IT5 with a special announcement. Mission to Zix will be performing our first ever international live show on September 15th as part of the London Podcast Festival. Get your tickets at missiontozix.space or at kingsplace.co.uk It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist. And also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zemanite, Plek Dexeter, and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy

to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Six. AC-53. Yes? How's the progress going on that transmission we got on the microchip? Limited. But I have my latest attempt at decryption, and I've gotten a little bit more. Listen to this.

I can almost pick it out. I know, it's close. I can almost pick it out. I know, it's close. I can almost pick it out. I've actually been toying with my source code a little bit. For the sake of improved cryptography ability. How about that? Wait, no, C53, you're not supposed to edit your source code. I know I'm not supposed to, but we need to decrypt this message.

My conversation with Oak Tree sort of changed my mind about that. Well, she changed your programming at the root level about it. Right. Right, but it was a check and balance that keeps you from doing something incredibly dangerous to your ones and zeros. Or it was a false barrier to self-improvement. Anyway. Like there's some safeguards that are in place for good reason. Right.

Yeah, like most safety in my butt gun. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Perfect, perfect example. Thank you, AJ. I'm just getting a sandwich. Yeah. I was thinking more of like, you know, when you sneeze, you close your eyes?

Uh, is that so? Maybe you do. Is that so? Not me. You don't close your eyes when you sneeze? No, it was genetically bred not to close my eyes when I sneeze. So what happens to your eyes when you sneeze? They get a little bigger and they go back in. Okay. Well, that seems not great. Yeah. You should close your eyes when you sneeze? No, it was genetically bred not to close my eyes when I sneeze. So what happens to your eyes when you sneeze? They get a little bigger and they go back in.

Okay, well that seems not great. Yeah, you should close your, do it voluntarily. No, I have to be always ready, constantly alert. Even when you're. I'm like, watch, lock and load. They bulged. They pressed up against the visor. I saw the wet outline of two spirits.

Yeah, that's the hard part. Jeez. I'm Bajie, and I approve of this message. What? Wait, Bajie? I'm Bajie, and I approve of this message. Bajie, are you running for something? What?

No, no, I just, uh, ah, fun news. I'm back in the biz, babe. And, uh, my ID got me some work. He just told me to record a bunch of these lines. I don't know what they're for, but I'm approving a bunch of things, I guess. Wait, Bargy, you shouldn't. Let me do like 25 more of these.

Bargy, you shouldn't approve things if you don't know what they are. I'm Bargy, and I approve of this message. That's too much. Did anyone ever ask Bargy where she went when she, like, left us? Yeah, Bargy, where did you go when we were on Cheryl? Let me do a sexy take. I'm Bargy and I approve of this message. Well, I'm a rogue.

That was a sexy take? Let me tell you, amongst ships, that really gets gas bubbling. I saw a lot of exhaust being belched out the back of you during that line. Bart, do you have an incoming transmission from Leximar Pudge? Yeah, of course. Baby B! Hey, baby you. Yeah, hilarious.

I love you. You're so funny. I can only see your interior, but you look amazing. I've lost a lot of weight. You have. I was going to yeah, yeah. You look, I can only see your interior, but you look amazing. I've lost a lot of weight, too. You have. I was going to say. Stress and anxiety. It went on the tip of my tongue.

Right. I was going to say. It's not healthy. It's like an unhealthy weight. Oh, good. That's the best kind. I've been sickly sometimes. Oh, good, good, good.

A lot of stress. A lot of stress. Great. Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Barge, I just want to say you're back. I've got a great opportunity for you. Really? There's two high-profile directs.

Oh, really? As we call them in the biz. What are the names? That are, if you just give me the cords, I will send them your way. Barge, we're back on top. On top? Yeah. Everything's forgiven?

Forgotten? Oh, a trillion percent. What exactly did you do? You want to just say it for me and just, you know, annunciation would be fabulous. Well, if I were to be completely honest and say exactly what it is, I'd jobless by this. You don't have to incriminate yourself like this. A different bullet point. Oh, Margie, I'm going to terminate this transmission here as a clear statement.

I'm going to end up a conversation that's kind of rude. No, Margie think i don't think you want to give away that information to anyone oh what kind of hot gas are we talking about hey dar wow you're looking amazing you're back to regular size thank you it's just like all the ups and downs of pregnancy, and then finally it just all clicks, you know? Remember when you were huge and then your head got small and then you were like... Yeah, I'm going to categorize that as an up and a down of pregnancy. Okay. Right. Which one was the up and which one was the down?

Being huge, up, small head, down. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Well, whatever it is, Dara, you know, you look happy and healthy and... Yeah, no, this is great. We're in the homestretch just a couple more months and, you know, this little sentient creature will slide out of one of my chutes. You don't know which one?

No, it's always a surprise. That's sort of fun. Dara, I think you're going to make a fantastic panel. Thank you, Z. I'm Baji and I approve of of fun. Tara, I think you're going to make a fantastic panel. Thank you, C. I'm Barge, and I approve of this message. Ah, thanks, Barge. Ah, that's... She was actually...

I'm not sure that's related, but... Papa Dex said I have an incoming transmission. Master missions operations manager. All right. Hey, Nermit. Hey, guys. Oh, this is the wrong one. Nermit, you got a lot of scrolls.

Come back there, buddy. Yeah, yeah, I thought that was the right one. It's in here. I know it. Nermit, I don't think you're supposed to be, like, diving into the scrolls like that. No, it's how I found it in the first place. It's sort of like what a cartoon character would do.

What? Yeah, I just feel like normally you would just, you know, take out each one, read it, store it away. I have been trying and I set them all up and then the Zima's come in here and just play around and I have to do it all over again. They're just like, they're monkeying around in here. They just come in and mess around.

No, not now! Guys, not... Take this kettle. Guys, not, not now. See, do your best. Okay, I get it. Yeah, that's very frustrating. Guys, here's very good. Guys, not now.

Okay, I get it. That's very frustrating. Guys, here's the question that popped into my head. I sat upright from a deep sleep, and I thought, who is writing these scrolls? That's a new thing? Do you have a dream? Yeah, that's a boring dream. No, it's what? I mean, it's a good question. boring dream. No, it's, what?

I mean, it's a good question. It's just not, it's not a very good question. You're dreaming about work. You're fucking me. And then I started doing research and cross-referencing handwriting on these scrolls and realized that many, many of the oldest scrolls were written by the same hand of a young and very powerful prodigy of the space, Kor Baelvor. Whoa.

What a badass name. Kor Baelvor. I know, right? Okay, that's just, I mean. Kor Baelvor. I mean, yeah, it's a very cool name. Guys, Kor Baelvor is definitely one of the most powerful and freshest. Okay, just let him go.

You know, just let him go. He's in the cargo hold by himself. He's not ready to die. Yeah, I'll be in the... I'm going to be play-acting Korbalvor. Korbalvor! Let him swing us. Yeah, watch out!

Here comes Korbalvor! Okay, Nermit. So, yeah, this Zima had a cool name. What's the point? That's not even the good part. That's not why I called. I called about this. All right, Nermit. I was reaching for my Sigurilio ashtray, and I knocked over the stack of scrolls.

No, follow me here. I knocked over the stack of scrolls, so they landed in reverse order, and the backs of the scrolls fanned out. And, guys, I'm going to pull my camera back. Look at this. What am I looking at, Nermit? It's a map. Well, it kind of just looks like a bunch of doodles.

That's what a map is. Nermit, you have to stop smoking cigarillos. They're turning you into a crazy person. No, these scrolls. I thought they were all words, but the lines of writing form a map that's an astrogation chart. Nermit, you're telling us that Kor Baelvor is somewhere... Kor Baelvor needed us to find this exact orientation of scrolls falling out of this pile in order to find him. This is why...

That seems dubious. Normally I'd be the first to point out that Norwich had stopped smoking cigarillos, but I think he's actually... Look at it. If this down here is Zima Prime, and then this, of course, is the Tramellion Cluster, And then this, of course, is the Tramillion Cluster. I mean, we have essentially a roadmap to wherever Core Bailboard is.

Bargy, can you do a screenshot of the holoscreen so you get this map? And Bargy and I approve of this message. Great. I got it. Okay. Just do some simple substitution here. C53, do those coordinates lead to an actual place? Well, believe it or not, they lead right here to Amphilata Secundus.

Amphilata Secundus? That's right. Is that a system? It's a planet. And one of my favorite positions. Wait, really? Yeah, you've never tried it? I think you know that I haven't.

I think you would prefer being the Secundus. Okay, sure. You need a lot of core strength to be the Mifflonk. Fair enough. Well, great, let's... Guys, this is clearly why we ran into Durf. This is why Bargy dumped me on Zima Prime. It's all making sense.

Yeah, I think you're right. Oh, damn! Okay. What's that song that you're singing? I just made it up. Yeah. I think you're right. What's that song that you're singing? I just made it up. Okay. Hey there, mister. I'm Tupper Spickle. I'm a little wooden boy who's also a Zima knight

in training on my way to Zima Prime. Boy, oh boy. Did you know there's a prophecy about me? Oh, wee, it's a tragic one. Apparently, I'm the chosen one of letting my wide-eyed innocence put me into dangerous situations. How about that? Hey, mister, have you seen the Zima Prime website at ZimaPrime.space? Golly, it's a keen website. It's got everything an aspiring Zima like me could ever want. Blog posts from Zima Masters, a destiny quiz,

a Zima name generator, and a members-only page with secret scrolls to decipher. And you know how they made it? With Wix.com, where anyone can make a professional website by themselves. Say, are you headed to Zima Prime 2? It's a swell place, I hear.

Full of nice folks who don't suspect a thing. Any whistle, Wix.com lets you choose from over 500 stunning customizable templates or start from scratch. Everything is automatically optimized for any device and every site includes Wix's powerful SEO tools so it's easier to find you online and guess what mister if you go to Wix.com and use the coupon code ZIX you'll get 10% off any premium plan giving you more storage a free domain for a year and a couple of black

licorice wheels I don't know that last one was a guess you know speaking of websites i was on an info web forum about the space and some zimas were talking about how the wax sparks knights have returned from the shadows and are growing in power once again should i be concerned about that boy i hope not hot diggity i can't wait to get to zima prime oh my rod this whole planet's covered in lava Tezima Prime. Oh my God, this whole planet's covered in lava. Chuckyanna! Finally, a lava planet.

This rules. What is the interest? A lava planet. Hardcore, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's like the possibility that you could misstep and start melting. Yeah. Also, we should consider the possibility that Telerians can't survive on this planet.

Only the strong survive on a lava planet, Papa. Almost no one survives on a lava planet. Exactly. Lava melts you. How hardcore is that? Take a look at the topography here. Papa Dex said it. It seems like there's enough cool rock that we could set one, which will still be very hot, but tolerable for tour.

So it's like, just cooler lava? I mean, anyway, yes. Yeah! Yeah, that's what rocks are. A lot of rocks. Wait, what? Rocks are lava? Yeah. AJ, I'll explain later. Alright, Bargy, let's open up the hatch. Here we go.

Wow! Oh, my goodness! Hatchy-matchy! I'll explain later. All right, Bargy, let's open up the hatch. Here we go. Whoa. Hatchy. You can feel the rock. No, I think what we're feeling is the lava. Okay, sure. The lava. Well, this part remains. It's very hot.

Mike, you might want to be a little careful here. Not always. It's very hot on the surface. I've left a lot of secundus, but it has carry-on burst on it, particularly for the weather on fire. Jeez Louise. You know, they're going to die from you like that. Oh, that's great. Okay, AJ, let's just stand down for a second.

Best mission ever already. Okay, look, we just need to find Corvail. Is he shot down? It's like a fire skull bird. It's such a badass planet, Papa. It's lava and awesome. Corvail Borglitz, of course he died. Well, we don't know that.

I mean, this information... Did you say Corvail Borglitz? Oh, the bird is still alive. Oh, no. Yeah, we did. I can take you to him. You're not dead. We never die.

We just get more annoying. Wow. That's an interesting evolution. This is awesome. Sure. We would actually get rid of him. We're looking for Corpo. Do you know where he is?

Oh, I do Significantly more Oh this is cool We're following this like weird bony Bonfire crow to that really scary Castle that's totally ruled This is not what I would have pictured You know as a demon knight

Is it just Is it just crowing or is it saying, kill, kill? I don't know. Okay, I think we get... Thank you, thank you. Okay, thank you. AJ, do something, buddy. Don't feed me. Okay, sorry, guys.

That bird was just kind of circling. It was kind of sinister, but then he shot it and it got grilled right up in our grills. This is all badass. Look at, that castle's made of like, it's like spiky and a shiny rock. It looks like it's carved from shards of volcanic rock.

This is crazy. Wow. I mean, this seems to be the only structure on the planet that could possibly have a person in it. Wow, a fog that talks just rolled in real fast. You guys heard that too? No, no, no. I mean, it was saying my name. Yeah, I don't think that's the good part.

This is so awesome. Look at all these chains and bones. Totally badass. Papa Dixit, are we sure that we are meeting a powerful Zemo warrior? I'm just saying a lot of the stuff around here feels... Obviously, I'm not the expert here. No, not awesome. It feels very... This is sort of what I'm talking about.

Yes, let's do this. Hello? Enter. Okay. Yeah. AJ, don't just run in there. Hey, my name's AJ. Oh, boy.

Okay. So we follow him, right? Okay, let's do this. Yes, we should. There's so many torches. I'm just going to cross this door here. Welcome all to Mufurata Secundus. You must forgive my choir of lava crows they mean

only the best uh yeah it's no problem sorry AJ shot one I really apologize about that then worse for luck is your friend AJ for to shoot a lava crows to invite only more

peevesomeness into one's life. Yeah, we got it pretty in the way. You must forgive me for my current state chained as I am in ancient bindings of pure space.

So awesome. Yeah, I was wondering... Excuse me, there's chains? Papa, do you see the chains? I don't, but, I mean, he's not moving. Plek, Dirk said. Yes, yes. Look not with your eyes of flesh.

Reach into the core of your being. It's actually the eye of flesh. Yeah, I actually don't... I'm halfway there, because I only have one eye, so... Oh, shit. It's fine. Oh, trust me, I actually don't. I'm halfway there because I only have one eye, so. Oh, shit. It's fine. Oh, judge me. I'm so sorry. I didn't notice. No, that's 100% on me. My condolences on your injury.

It's really not a big deal. I mean, you know, depth perception. I understand you applied only too well, for indeed, both of my eyes were lost in battle long ago, as a warrior of the Zima. I was fighting on the front lines, and I found myself astride a massive column in the ruins of ancient Balcliffe. A sparks knight reached out with a spar of jagged glass and cut my eyes from my head. Blinded by this injury, I held aloft my wood saber and hurled it across the battlefield and cut him down with his foot. Wow. You threw a stick at someone and they died? Was it a sharp wood saber?

Blunt as could be. Wow. That must be a relief that you've replaced them with those far superior ocular sensors. That'd be so awesome. Oh yeah, high gear eye for the Corvailbor guy. Yes, a cyborg is what I am called. My eyes were cut from my head

as my arms were cut from my torso. Yikes! My legs from my waist and eventually Is that the same person doing this to you? Over years of fighting on the front lines of the Zemanites eventually my head was cut from my torso. Over years of fighting on the front lines of the Zemanites,

eventually my head was cut from my torso. And then my torso... Oh, are you dead? No. What part? No, when would I have died? When your head was cut from your torso. Did they keep you from the heart? No, well, it's a...

Okay, so hold up. I was fighting with No, well, it's a... Okay, so hold up. I was fighting with an enormous crabbo. The wood saber in his crawled hand striking down upon me. He stabbed me. Hmm? This guy was extremely

hat on hat. He was very... There was a lot of extra stuff. He has a thick carapace, and he was wearing armor, and the armor had, it's a lot. He was extremely extra. It was crazy. Oh, yeah, sorry. So, yes, I was slid down, my head severed from my neck.

Now, what I didn't mention is I was fighting in a hospital, and in the step that I took, I literally was taking a step into a cybertronic replacement chamber. So, I mean, talk about an extremely lucky break. You're right in the space, though, isn't it? That is the space. In a later combat, my torso was severed from my head, arms, and legs.

That seems very unlikely. Okay, hold on. His head, arms, and legs got cut off. No, no, no, but then which part did you keep after that? So, I was hanging off the prow of a spaceship, my wood saber in my hand, to leap from the front and cut an enemy destroyer in half

with my wood saber. I leapt and one of the enemy's cannons fired and blew my torso. Blew the center out. Now here's what I didn't mention. The enemy ship was running extremely low on ammunition. They had run completely out of torpedoes, phasers, all manner of weaponry.

And what they had begun firing was cybertronic dorsos. Okay, that seems... What a story. Truly the best story I've ever heard in my entire life. Cor Bailvor, I have been training to become a Zemo warrior, and it's all led me here. To Mufalata Secundus, to meet you. Please, show me. Show me what I can do to fulfill my destiny. Ah, yes, brave Plek. The space has led you here. Yes, yes.

This is so awesome. These bindings were put in place by the Zima in ages long past. Only the pure of heart may omit them. Well, then we might be able to... Okay, C-53, I could... I'm pretty pure of heart. Okay, wait.

Hold on. Core Bailboard, did you say that the Zima put the chains in? Well, I mean... No, wait wait what did I what did you say what did you say I think I think wait

did you say the enemies of the Zimas or the Zimas right what would you what would you say well we're on the side of the fresh right papa yeah absolutely

exactly so so am I so so so so then the enemies of the Zima which is what I said oh okay cool the point being I am trapped here Exactly. So am I. So then the enemies are the Zemo, which is what I said. Oh, okay, cool. The point being, I am trapped here in these chains of pure space. Can I put a boy over here for breakfast?

I am in the middle of... Oh, you're going to leave me here with this guy in A.J.? Who's the chain? I think. I don't see anything. It's the spaceman. Come on. Okay, listen, Cora, I apologize. Just give me one moment now.

C53, what is it? What? This guy's insanely evil. Is he mad? I don't know. I mean, you spend a couple hundred years on a volcano planet. You're going to be a little bit tense. You're telling me that they chained a good Zima up on a volcano planet using bards of pure sphinx?

And then that guy trained a fleet of lava crows to sing in a minor chord? But C-53, you're not seeing the big picture. This is clearly a prison made by the WAC. Ah! Ah! Ah! Your blood of the innocent!

Thank you, my crows. Yes, sir. That could be anything. What do you mean by that? I just, I mean, look, that crow's on fire. Who knows what that crow's talking about? I don't even need to eat anymore. This is just for ducking kicks.

Welcome back to the conversation. What did I miss? You missed. This guy is pure evil. Cool, I think we gotta go. Listen, can I get out of here? I'm so sorry to put in, and this is on me. I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.

The reason I enjoy drinking the blood of the innocent is that I myself am innocent and require their blood to sustain myself. Ah. Checks it out for me. I just don't think that's how that would work. What did you not get about it? He's innocent, so he needs the blood of the innocent.

Uh, yeah, Adrian, that might be true. So have you always been Corvailvor? That's such an awesome name. I have been known by many names. Corbeilvor was my given name. I was also known in my years of service as Caj Malice. Caj Malice?

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Caj Malice? I hate to do this, but I would love if Plek and I could have a word alone. Oh, we call those asides. They happen all the time. Don't worry about it. Yeah, guys, just give me just one second.

We'll be over here. Is this blood of the innocents for everyone? Or what's the deal? Oh. Oh. Star. Plek, perhaps, some privacy? Sure, I guess. I call upon the mists of the castle of Corbeil for...

C-53? AJ? AJ? You and I have much to discuss. Plek. Yes? Your friends pour poison into your ears. They speak lies, for they fear the power of the space within you. How fares your training, young knight?

Listen, Kort, to be honest, it's been a little bit disheartening. Ah, I'm so sorry to hear that, young black. Surely your mentor has been diligent and by your side at all times? Uh, oh, Durf? Uh, no. We've actually only hung out like three times, and he's died at the end of each of those encounters. I wouldn't say we've had a lot of quality time together, Durf and me. It's almost like he would rather be dead than see you.

Uh, yes, yes, It literally is like that. Well, at least you've got such supportive crewmates. Your friends. Yeah, I mean, I like to think so. Bargy doesn't... I'm not positive she knows my name. Dory's kind of caught up with, you know, the baby right now. And I get that.

C-53 doesn't believe in the space, is really the biggest problem. And A.J., he means well, but he's incredibly stupid. Well, just because you don't see eye to eye with all your crewmates, at least they always treat you with respect, don't they? Core, I sleep at an angle in a bedroom the size of a phone booth because Dar has three mattresses and won't give me one.

That sounds pretty jacked up, my guy. I couldn't sleep in the cargo hold because they had a bean in there. Yes, how does it make you feel, Black? Bad. You know what? It makes me feel bad, Core. It makes me feel a little bit like my crew doesn't respect me enough, even though I'm doing as much as I can to save the galaxy.

You think he's being tempted in there? Oh, of course. I don't know. Evil dark magic, like cone of silence? Seems weird. I think Pop is fine, though. Right, Dark?

Because, like, I mean, he loves us. Like, we're his crew, right? Like, he's not going to, like, turn on us. Oh, no. We torture him mercilessly. We maybe? Well, guys, I'm nice to him. Are you guys not?

Ah! We could have been better to him. I think that's what I'll say. Yeah. Maybe we can just melt him and try to encourage him? Oh, Plek, your friends call out to you from beyond the veil of silence. They are worried that you will discover your true nature. They are worried that you will discover your true nature.

Notice your friends have only come to respect you at the threshold of your claiming power. All of your kindness to them made you weak in their eyes. Yeah, I think they've literally said that to me. Pluck, have you ever thought about what it would feel like to receive an invitation to a social event and respond, maybe? I always wanted to do that. I can't be forced to make a decision weeks ahead of time? Imagine the power of forcing a host to think of whether or not you will arrive at their shindig. Yes, I'm the one going all the way to their place. Do you know what you would call that, replying maybe to an event?

Uh, it would be, uh... Whack! Pleck. That's a whack thing to do. But Kor, how can you be whack? You wrote so many of the Zima Scrolls. Of course, Plek. Scrolls written in the heyday of my zealotry for the Zima.

Long did I toil for them, and great strides were made. My prowess with the Wood-saber was second to none. Advancements in the arts of freshness were mine for the making, and I crafted the greatest weapon our order has ever known. The dinglehopper. Wait, the dinglehopper? A wood-saber unmatched throughout the galaxy that's i have that i have that i have the dingle hopper holy holy shit that's wild what are the odds i know

that shit that's nutso that is that's a hundred percent nutso. That is 100% nutso. That's crazy. This is the same one, right? It's not just a different one. No, no, no. I'm looking at it right now. Wow! I know it's like coincidences or whatever. It's like the space. That's like what the deal is, but I'm not gonna lie. This is a wild

one. Right, yeah. Well, I would love to get down from these chains and hold that bad boy. Right, yeah. Well, I would love to get down from these chains and hold that bad boy. Yes. Kor, I shall use the dinglehopper to free you from your prison. Yes. Oh, my God. It's making the noise.

Listen. It makes a noise. Do it, Flick. Yes. What's that? What's up? Hello, what's up? What's up? Help me, my darling boy!

You've done it. I am free, my sweet boy. Whoa. Come and kiss me, my sweet crows. Oh, whoa. Well, hello, C-53, D'ar, AJ. Hey, Cora, my buddy's here saying that you might be evil. Yeah, what's up with that?

Are you evil or what? Well, from my point of view, the Zima are evil. Yeah. Oh. No, no, no. Listen, Cora's got a point. You know, we went to Zima Prime. We met everybody.

They couldn't get their shit together. We are extremely efficient over on the whack side. You might say that we are ruthlessly efficient. Yeah, but the Zima were, like, cool. They were, like, nice. What's cool about being nice? I don't know. Being nice is...

Stop it for me, AJ. Explain using words why it's cool to be nice. Hey, hey, hey. You don't yell at him like that. Yeah, you lay off this guy. Yeah, we yell at him like that. Very well. If you have chosen the fresh side,

then I have no choice left but to summon my ancient wood saber. He just grabbed it out of my hand. Collect it. You're a wood saber. He just grabbed it out of my hand. Cleft him, you wood saber. You just stole my dinglehopper. The dinglehopper. I summoned it by stealing it because I'm whack as hell. Crows, lift me up.

Ow, ow, ow. Oh, no. He just did. No, he did not. Bug got activated. Back me up on the C-53. Oh, my God. This is so hard to listen to. This blows! This planet will devour itself. Black, come with me through the portal. You're not going to go with this guy, are you?

You know what, C-53? I might. Okay? Why would you do that? I'm pretty sick of all this fresh nonsense. Sick of the crew treating me like juck and crap all the time. Sick of sleeping at a 45 degree angle Tell them Papa, did it ever jucking occur to you

That they tease you because they like you? That's not a thing That's what everybody does to me I'm the most well-liked person on the ship AJ You're a big dumb idiot You know what I think AJ stands for? A jucking moron.

That's uncalled for. This is arguably the wackest thing I've ever heard. Okay, C-53, you know what? I think you're sort of a know-it-all. Anyone ever told you that? Anyone ever told you that, C-53? No, I have no idea. All right, you know what?

Dar, don't look down on me, Dar. Don't look down on me. You know it's physically impossible not to. Okay. All right. Look at how quickly the fresh may fall. There is another way. The emperor offers benefits to all his most loyal servants.

What's the mattress situation? As many mattresses as you could hope to sleep on. King! King! King! I sleep on a tower of mattresses. Hundreds of mattresses

tall. Seems deeply impractical. I am afraid constantly of falling off. The slightest breeze sends the tower It seems deeply impractical. Great box of worms! I don't know if you're screaming all day long. Plek, take my hand. You could be as a son to me. Step through as I have just done and join me. I just stepped through the portal in the room. And you're on the other side still, but I'm through on the other side.

We're all seeing it. I just wanted to be clear spatially what's going on. Some of the crows are through the portal with me, and a few other different crows are still on the other side of the portal with you. I'm on this side! Yeah, we can hear it. I'm on that side! I'm on this side!

Yes, yes, I'm coming. We're going to die here. What? Yeah, it's certain. I'm coming. We're gonna die here. What? Yeah, it's starting to look like it. Oh, okay. Wait, what? What? It's me, C-53, talking to you. Your best friend.

I've got one thing to say to you. Ah! Get out of here! That bar, what the heck are you doing? Ow! You hit me in the face! Yeah, I know. You were about to join the Emperor.

Hey, Papa. I know you were kidding and didn't mean it, but some of that stuff would have hurt if I had really thought about it. Slap! How dare you! I'd be sunning my genitals on the jucking beach in Hollywood if it weren't for you. You're the one who convinced me to be

here in the first place. Ow! Agent! We're doing one. Too many buddies. Ow! Wait! Why does a crow crow? I've never done it before! Crow, you're coming up.

Plek, Plek, dip your head through the portal real quick for a hot second Plek! It's gonna be a lot more than a second, it's gonna be real hot Kor I'll just come in here real quick

and grab my dinglehopper What? Slap! Ow! Don't you have any self-respect, you miserable, worthless maggot? AJ, what did you just do?

I think I closed the portal. How did you do that? Well, good question, Papa. I think I sort of saw the space between Cora's heart and mine. It was a space I filled with time. I guess that pretty much explains it. I don't guess.

I guess. Does it feel tingly? Is that how it's supposed to feel, like my arm fell asleep? Uh, maybe. Can we see the lava now? No, no. I closed the portal. Let's do this.

Guys, we should probably get out of here. Oh, yeah. This gas looks fine. It's a big wave. We should call Berkey. Plenty of extra blood is innocent. Oh, that's... I'll take a roadie.

Let's do this. No, no, no. Thanks, Chris. Are you guys going to be okay? Yeah! We're being fired! Oh, you're right. Okay.

Take care. I'm going to get more.. I need to get more. I don't need any more. Yeah, okay. Yeah. My cousin's dead. Is that okay? I can't stand him sitting there.

Yeah. Sorry, I asked. Okay. Wow, really? What a pretty dark place there for a little bit. Yeah. I mean, literally and figuratively. Yeah. I suppose that's true.

Papa, you said some pretty awful things to me. Guys, I really owe you guys an apology. Apology accepted. Thank you, AJ. Yeah, we're accepting apologies. Chuck you. I don't know how it happened, but, you know, for a while there, a lot of the stuff that Cora was saying kind of made sense to me.

Well, that fog that was surrounding you. Also, it was like flowing in and out of your ears like it was going through your head or something. Yeah, you had like glowing red eyes and shit. Yeah. I'm not sure if it was just his conversational charm. He was a very powerful whack wizard. He was a whack master. You're hit by a real whack attack.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pop it, etc. I'm an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bungalow. Hey, Nermit. Oh, yeah. Hey, Nermits. Oh, thank gosh I caught you guys. So I had a small detail wrong. So before you go to Mufalata Secundus, I shouldn't have kicked the Zimas out,

because they explained that this is actually a map to where they imprisoned him after he became incredibly waxed. We already went. Yeah, I was seduced. I said some things I regret. He stole my wood saber I stole back. And everything's cool. You know what? In fact, everything is great. Yeah? Apologies

have been accepted. Oh, cool! Woo! I have two directorships in front of me right now. We're in the middle of a deep conversation about my next role. Everything's amazing and back on top. Yeah, they're asking a lot of intrusive questions, but I know it's just for the plot, you know what I mean? So for the scene I'm imagining,

it really reminds kind of a dark backstory of not just the character, but the actress. So what are some of the things you've done, and be pretty specific about dates and victims, that are maybe the worst things ever? Wow, yeah, doesn't this sound great, guys? I'm not sure these are actors. Don't listen to that robot. And, Barge, you just speak, don't say it clearly.

Barge, Barge, you gotta know thisunciate clearly. Barge, Barge, you got to know this isn't right. Wow, everything is amazing. I am, I've never been this on top, but at my own volition. You know what I mean? I did this. I did it. I did it. It was me.

I did everything. Ladies and gentlemen, we got her on tape. I'm going to take you under arrest. I'm The monster in danger under arrest. The monster in danger under arrest. We are shutting down your systems and clamping on the cuff. Sorry I didn't get this script. Am I in a scene right now? The cuff?

Oh, no. The ship's coming in from hyperspace. Margie, what is happening? I think these directors are clearly police officers and that I am under arrest. Does anyone hear that sound? It's like something spilling salt or something. Oh, no, no, no.

That's all the sand. It's a lot of sand. There's so much sand everywhere. Where is all that sand coming from? Oh, dark. Okay, dark. Don't worry. I have been programming myself for just

such an occasion. I've been altering my code so that I can perform the medical functions necessary to help you deliver if necessary. I've altered my source code and I'm sure it's going to... What are you saying? Oh, C-53. Oh, no.

Hey, Plex? Yes? Am I going into labor? I think so. My tube broke! To be continued... Thank you. a cast member of College Humor and the writer of Strong Female Protagonist. Find him on Twitter at BrendanLM, on Instagram at BrendanLeeMulligan, and in real life at the bottom of an ancient ruin full of traps and puzzles. This episode was edited by Seth Flynn with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Donkey Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York,

and HeadGum Studios in Los Angeles. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crown narration by Jeremy Cratchley. Ship designed for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goice. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Hey, James. Hey,

Nneke. What we doing, girl? We are inviting the awesome listeners of Maximum Fun to join us at Minority Corner. Ooh, fun. But you know how we go on Tangent City. We're the joint mayors. We're not going to do that, okay? Soup's focused. Okay, so Minority Corner is where you can all come and get your pop culture take.

Plus, social commentary, news, and TV movie reactions like Avengers Endgame. No spoilers here. Ooh, snap. Sometimes we dig into the vaults and we review and recap those movies you missed. Look at you, Halle Berry's kidnapped. I love how she always gives 1,000%. Like Beyonce. Did you see Homecoming on Netflix?

She was burning it down like the Mother of Dragons. Have you seen the latest Game of Thrones? So good. Only thing missing? More black people. What do you think about Mayor Pete? Wait a minute, James! We went on a tangent?

Yes. Ah well. Join us every Friday for more tangents. On Maximum Fun. Hi, I'm Jo Firestonestone And I'm Manolo Moreno And we're the hosts of Dr. Game Show Which is a podcast where we play games submitted by listeners Regardless of quality or content

With in-studio guests and callers from all over the world And you can win a custom magnet A custom magnet Subscribe now to make sure you get our next episode What's an example of a game, Manolo? Pokemon or medication How do you play that? episode. What's an example of a game, Manolo? Pokemon or Medication. How do you play that? You have to guess if something's a Pokemon name or Medication.

First time listener, if you want to listen to episode highlights and also know how to participate, follow Dr. Game Show on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. We'd love to hear from you. Yeah, it's really fun. For the whole family. We'll be every other Wednesday starting March 13th, and we're coming to MaxFun. Snorlax. Pokemon?

Yes. Nice. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. They had run completely out of torpedoes, phasers, all manner of weaponry. Okay.

And what they had begun firing was Cybertronic torsos. Okay, that seems... So you're saying they shot out your real torso and the cyber torso. You ever seen a game of Space Billiards where someone hits a ball with the cue ball and the cue ball

just slams, stops right where the other ball was. It just seems very convenient, Cor. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. You're not kidding. I mean, you want to know what I did right afterwards? Big old hand across my cybertronic forehead and a loud whew from me.

Woof. Close one. That is truly the best story I've ever heard in my entire life. Cora, what part of your body is original at this point? Hmm? What part of you... Yeah, if you're a cyborg. Well, my head, arms, and legs were all still the same head, arms, and legs from the same cybertronic organ.

So that's what happened to the torso. Okay, but you were saying that all of those had been replaced at some point. Eyebrows! Eyebrows! His eyebrows are still original? The real deal! What happened was, basically a couple years later, I found my old head, and I sheaved the eyebrows off and just spackled them on there. They are very expressive.

Waggle, waggle, waggle. Okay. No, yeah, no, really. They are very expressive. Waggle waggle waggle. No, yeah, no, really. They're exquisite. So I am technically a cyborg in the sense that there is one organic part of me. You're really skirting that. But you just said there was a span of years where that was not the case.

Checks out for me. Checks out for AJ, checks out for me. Alright. Alright. me checks out checks out for aj checks out for me okay all right all right i'm the dude up quick and i'm particle kisses and this is hollywood tonight boom boom boom it's red carpet day for the bargerian jade's latest movie that's right but every bargerian jade fan is wondering where is the Selenium Age starlet? Here is a clip from

the red carpet where there is literally no one except for a sentient piece of moss. What's the story behind this lackluster blockbuster? And how can a star that was once so bright and then not bright at all for a very long time then became bright again for reasons

unknown because honestly there's probably better people out there at this moment. Remember Tiny Toots? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well all you Tiny Toots fans have reason to say yeah. She's back from the dead but just as a hollow and

doing better than before. Tiny Toots will be returning to the big screen, but this time as a hollow-only creation. And we have a clip of that after 79 days of commercials. We'll see you in two and a half months.