Mission To Zyxx - 319: Pump Up The Justice

Episode Date: July 31, 2019

Starring: Seth Lind as Hastooie Winko Moujan Zolfaghari as Prosecutor Susan Prosecutioshfrr and Wink Jeremy Bent as Defense Attorney Quaid Blizmo Allie Kokesh as The Producer and the Script Supervisor Winston Noel as Phenom Pennyworth, Treeboy, Sammo and Leximar Pwench Alden Ford as CraftyBot and Spaceship Spielship With a special appearance by John Robert Wilson Edited by Jeremy Bent Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell. “Pump Up the Justice” theme song composed by Shane O’Connell and performed by Coco and the Pound Puppies. Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by Simplecast This episode is sponsored by Wix. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of The Maximum Fun Network. In or near the UK? Join us on September 15th for our first-ever international live show at the London Podcast Festival!

Attention United Kingdom, Mission to Zix will be performing a brand new live episode on September 15th as part of the London Podcast Festival. Get your tickets right now on our events page at missiontozix.space. It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundeloy. Sentient sentience order. Order. Order. Who am I kidding?

Go nuts. This is Hollywood, baby. And court is in session. Let's do it. Honorable Judge Hustle, we go presiding. You might remember me from ten straight years of announcing the hottest eyeball holothon ever. You're tuned in to Pop Up The Justice. Pump it up. The court will now hear your case.

Pump it up. Slapping justice right inside your face. Pump it up. Now's your chance to tell the tale. Oh, man. No way you're sending me straight to jail. And it's time for the what? Opening statements.

For the trial of who? You know her. You love her. Oh, maybe you don't. The Bargerian J. This is the Puffer People versus her. Let's vote that just to hear us. Hello.

My name is Suzanne Prosecution Officer. I am representing the people in this juncture. As we all know, Bargerian Jade has been charged with hundreds of counts of money laundering, of finance fraud, hundreds of millions of croon,

ruining reputations, and how long am I on time? I got one minute? Okay, girl, wrap it up. So yeah, we, the people, want Barbarian Jade, this sentient, washed-up spaceship who honestly movies aren't that great, to go to jail forever. Thank you very much.

Your Honor, her acting coach would like to approach. Oh, well, this is a surprise. I'll allow it. Uh, Susan, do you think I'm doing well? Do you think I got it down? I just think the ending. Exactly. Punch it. Right. Like, end on a punch. Do I have to frazzle Tony down?

Oh, yes. Sexless prosecutor down. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. But if you could just at the end, make a meal of it. And we're back in. By Jerry and Jane. Murderer, money murderer, murderer. Do you want your children asleep or dead? Thank you. The people rest. Not rest, just the beginning. Thank you.

Gavel, gavel, gavel. Sentience and non-sentience now entering the court of the defense. Hello, lawyer for the defense. My name is Quaid Blismo, and I am shocked and sickened by the accusations made by the state of Hollywood against my client, the Bargerian Jade. The Bargerian Jade is a beloved hollow star. She is somebody that people look up to. And the fact that we are even in this courtroom at all right now is absurd. This is a circus right now

because the Bargerian Jade's good name is being dragged through the mud for crimes that I intend to prove she had absolutely no part in committing. And I will put a blaster to my own head before I will see her go to jail. That is how confident I am in the innocence, innocence,

of the Bargerian Jade. I don't care how many counts of money laundering, of tax fraud, of endangering the youth are leveled against the Bargerian Jade, every single one of them is an absolute slap in the face of one of the grand doms of the Hollywood scene. In summation, I can't wait to tear the prosecution's argument apart.

Blizmo rests. Thank you. Wowee! Quaid Blizmo coming in hot! Wow! Hasturi Wiko loves it. Thank you. Wowee. Quaid Blismo coming in hot. Wow. Hastui Wiko loves it. That's right. Here in the courtroom of Hastui Wiko. Wait a second. Who's that waving up there?

Permission to speak, sir? Wow. Who am I to say no to a guy waving a flag? Objection. Objection. Counselor? Counselor? The gentleman has a flag okay objection are we to

allow this fresh-faced youth with stars in his eyes to deliver what is no doubt a moving passionate speech of his own objection what he said objection overruled and objection overruled onward young man thank you judge now i might just be an extra in the gallery, new to Hollywood. And, you know, maybe I just have a sack of dreams and a smile and a few 8x10 holos that I'm handing out right now. Oh, wow. Whipping them. But I think that this is a grave miscarriage of justice. And I will do everything I can.

All right, all right. That's commercial. That's commercial. Alright, alright, that's commercial, that's commercial. Hey, listen, extra, you're gonna get a line, speed it up. It was too slow? Way too slow, you were really milking it. Stop milking those teeth! But my species is lactating. I understand. Okay. Stay on your mark, defense. Okay, I'm sorry.

You keep dipping. Well, you gotta have a guy to follow me. I told you I was gonna walk around and have a guy- I told you we don't have a cam guy today. Jeez, okay, all right. I don't think Crafty got my request. There's dairy in my cup. Do I look like the person you should be complaining to? I don't know.

No. No. Crafty! Where the duck is Crafty? Now, the Craftbot wonders if pretzel sticks are too short. Not only are they too short, they're far too salty. All right? Get these out of my face.

I'm also glucose intolerant. Scanning for glucose. Glucose found. Right, thank you. No. Individually wrapped mints dispensing. And we're supposed to make a meal of this? This is a meal now?

Exactly. You know exactly where I'm coming from. Barge, I thought that went very well for us. Really? They just said a bunch of lies and you didn't correct them. Barge, were you listening to what I just said? I said every single one of them was false. I was going to prove all of them wrong.

Also, we had that weird kid in the audience stand up. That's great stuff. What was that all about? I have no idea, but what I'm saying is we can use that, all right? That's a smokescreen. Okay, okay. I trust you. Thank you so much.

Your jaws are stunning. Both of your jaws are stunning. Barge, I'm going to air kiss you to the left. I'm going to air kiss you to the right. We are going to get through this. Thank you. They're not going to lay a finger on you, okay? Okay.

We're heading back. Heading back. Sentients of all flavors and sizes, we're back as session gray here. Honor, honor, honor me. Oh, interior fireworks. Never live without them, baby. Court of Honorable Astuwinco is back in session. Load it.

Oh, yeah. See you, Lovingo. And cut the fireworks. It's just us here. And don't forget the bailiff. We're coming back in for the trial of the Bargerian Jade, and we're back to the prosecution. The prosecution would like to call its first witness to the stand. The prosecution would like to call its first witness to the stand. Bargerian Jade's son, formerly known as Blimpy, formerly Laser Ted, now known as Tree Boy.

Organics and droids, please give a warm round of applause to the witness now entering through the big door on the floor. It's Tree Boy! Yay! Tree Boy! Tree Boy, we'll have you please slate to the camera. Name, height, representation. Um, name is Tree Boy. I'm 70 meters high, and I have no representation. Oh, not even seeking. Okay. Tree Boy, you are Bargerian Jade's son, are you not?

Yes. And they've been your mother your entire life? What? Yes, yes or no, please. Uh, yes. Would you say that they were a good mother or a bad mother? I was fine. She was fine as a mother. Give examples.

Okay, when I had my first Little League game, my mom was not there. Wow. Yeah, I was like... Wow. Yeah. Wow. Thank you. Objection.

One in eight mothers who neglect their children at sports events end up being murderers based on science. Objection. Your Honor, the acting coach would like to approach their client. Hold on. Did my accent change? It slightly changed. My accent changed. It did.

It did, definitely. We're channeling, frazzled, sexless, you know, childless. I was so sexy. I was so sexy. I was so sexy. You were oozing. I was oozing sex. Yeah, exactly. I'm back here.

I'm in the back of the room. You're moist. And I'm getting turned on. Right, okay. I'll do it again. I'll do it. I'll continue. And we're back in.

Spotlights are hot and on. So you would say that your mother's a bad mother? What? What? Thank you so much. The prosecution rests for this part. What? Um, Tree Boy, if that is your real name.

No, it's not. I mean, Blimpy's my real name. Oh, so you admit Tree Boy's not your real name. Well, it's changed a couple times. Oh, okay. So what you're saying is you're a person who changes your mind. Is that correct? I guess everyone changes their mind from time to time. Oh, do they? Well, we all change our mind. Oh, wow. We're really

learning a lot here from old tree boy. What? We're learning that people change their mind? Let me repeat to you what you said just a moment ago when you were asked, what kind of mother did you have? And you said she was fine. Is that correct? That's right. Okay. Let me, because, you know, I don't want you to change your mind about this later. Let me describe to you what fine means. It means of high quality.

Okay? It means good or satisfactory. It also means very... Objection. Relevance? Fellow counselors read literally reading definition fine so it's fine it's fine objection overroost so what i'm saying is what you've described is actually a mother a very good quality sure okay well great then the defense rests

all right we're gonna punch in uh and you're going to do your product placement. Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. All right, we're... Hello, I'm Quade Blismo, and if you think this job is tough, you're right. But setting up my own professional website through Wix.com, that was a snap. That's why I, along with over 150 million other sentients, some of them clients, have used Wix.com to create a website using one of more than 500 customizable templates.

And I didn't need to do a thing to get their built-in SEO tools and sleek mobile optimization. That's all part of the deal when you make a website at Wix.com. And if you're thinking you need to be a high-powered Hollywood lawyer to afford this, think again. You can build a website of your own with Wix today for free. That's right. Not a croon need leave your wallet to have an eye-catching website today. And if you go to Wix.com and use the coupon code ZYX, Z-Y-X-X, you'll get 10% off any premium plan. code ZYX, Z-Y-X-X, you'll get 10% off any premium plan. With Wix premium plans, you get more storage, a free domain for a year, and much, much more. That's Wix.com, code ZYX, W-I-X.com, Z-Y-X-X, the code for 10% off any premium plan. Creation without limits, and that's a Quaid Blismo guarantee. Checking with the executives in the booth.

Yes, sir. Thank you. Judge, back to you. That's the end of round one here in the trial of the century, the trial of the Baccarian Jade, and I'm gonna just say something. It's a little off topic, but I'm gonna need that crafty bar. I'm gonna go nuts. It's gonna be crazy.

You're not gonna see it covered. I'm gonna ask for some licorice. No, I wouldn't have guessed. I thought he was going to ask for something else. I can't do licorice. I'm allergic to all things sticky. Crafty Bot. Licorice available, red or black. Spit it right in my mouth.

Let's get it, Jeffery. Okay. Can Crafty Bot interest you in a miniature case? Oh, boy, could you? Put it in my robe. Very well. Uh, excuse me, it seems like the makers of this Crafty Bot are getting a lot of paid airtime. You're not the only carpet shell here.

All right, all right. Prosecution would like to call next witness. Bargerian Jates, very famous ex-husband, Spaceship Spielschiff, to the stand. He hasn't been seen in two years in person. Okay, Barge, we knew you were going to do this. We knew this was going to happen. Here he is, racing up from the floor in a puff of smoke.

Spielschiff! Spielschiff! Spielschiff! Spielschiff! Spielschiff! Spielschiff! Spielschiff! Spielschiff! Spielschiff! Spielschiff! Spielschiff! And slay your name for the cameras. Spaceship Spealship. Wow. What a jaw. Now, Spaceship Spealship, what is your relation to the Bargerian Jade? The Bargerian Jade is my ex-wife. And how long were you two married? We were married for seven years. We met doing a picture and decided to get engaged during the sequel.

Fathered a child on the third film in the series. By the fourth film, we were barely speaking to each other. And how would you describe your relationship with the Bargerian, Jade? Chilly. And by chilly, what exactly do you mean? Financially chilly. Intellectually chilly. And would you describe your relationship now that of a very successful Hollywood director and that of

a financial murderer Your honor may I I thought I'd end it like a little bit of excitement at the end I just think it's too soon for that We're still building the tension, we're still developing your sad, pathetic, loft wearing character

My hair is greasy I would characterize the Sad, pathetic, loft-wearing character. Right. My hair is greasy. Right, yeah. I would characterize the Bargerian Jade as a murderer financially. A financial murderer. Can you say that to camera and use the word murder just louder than the other words? The Bargerian Jade is a murderer of the financial. Great, thank you so much. Thank you so much.

I think we got it. Okay. Thank you, thank you so much i think we got it okay thank you thank you thank you uh that's it for prosecution we rest now for this i just want to say i've never seen anyone direct the biggest director in the history of film all of hollywood bold move that's why they call me susan prosecution your, if I can say one thing I'll allow it Why? Why?

A second flag I've been looking at this Quote unquote justice And I have one thing to say I, Phenom Pennyworth Who's currently seeking Representation Was murdered financially by the Bargerian J.

And that's commercial. I'm not allowed to respond? The cliffhanger ends there, baby. I understand, I understand. Bargy, actually, this is good for us. Okay, this is actually great for us. Okay, because I didn't do anything. Can I speak?

Is this fine? This is fine? We're on commercial, right? We're on commercial. Nothing matters. Nothing matters in commercial. Just get about $100, of those licorices. I bought this Pepsi.

All right, all right. You too. We're back from commercial. Yes. We want to get the nose-to-nose shot. I'll show the nose-to-nose. Yeah, no problem. And three, two.

And we're back. You know, I don't care for what you did out there. Well, why don't you take your nose and put it somewhere better? Is this better? Do you like this? Do you like my nose up close? Right on my nose? Yeah.

You're a dirty man. Oh, well, you're about to see how dirty I can get, sister. Why don't you rebuttal this? Oh, you slapped me right in my face. Well, why don't you slap your own trial? If you came for rules, then you came to the wrong city, wrong town, wrong courtroom, baby. We are making sure justice gets put. I'll see you at the recess.

I'll see you there as well. We fired our writers. Um, Spaceship Spielship, if that is your real name. It's not. Oh, really? How interesting. For the record, what is your real name? Starship Spielship.

So you're a sort of person who feels like they can just change their mind whenever they... I did this, didn't I? I'll move on. I'll move on. Spaceship, or should I say starship? Either one is fine. You characterized your relationship with the Bajirian Jade as chilly. That's right. You said financially chilly, you said emotionally chilly, but I noticed you didn't say physically chilly. No.

So why is that? Are you familiar with the term hatch to hatch? I think I've heard the term. The following part of this episode has been censored due to inappropriate content. Well, that was extremely graphic and not what I was after at all. Well, you asked. I did ask. That's on me. Let me move on. Mr. Spielship, you

also mentioned during your testimony that on the fourth film you worked on, you grew apart. Now, why is that? Are you familiar with a ship hole? I'm familiar with a ship hole. The following 40 minutes of this episode has been censored due to inappropriate content.

Now we are talking. This is some good, good justice. Okay, that is also not what I was after, all right? Hey, I feel this is a little unfair. Can I chime in? Barge. This episode has been censored for the next 20 minutes due to inappropriate content. Jesus.

Okay. The prosecution would like to call its final witness. Wow. I think we're all waiting with bated breath to know if this witness knows anything about the crimes. He would like to call Sammo and Wick. And repelling

down from the ceiling on two tiny ropes. Ah, former rebel spies. Dust, former rebel spies. Dust heads to the max. And... S-s-s-Semo and... Hi guys!

Hi there. Slater for the camera while spinning! Samo. And Link! Hi. Sky high on dust, baby. Representation? CAA.

What is your relationship with the Bargerian Jane? Uh, Bargy was cool. We hung out a few times and, uh... We also did, like, a bunch of financial investments with Bargy. Right. We gave her a lot of our money because we trusted her with all the connections she had. Yeah. I do remember that Wink and I did give money to a holding company that was... It was Bargy and Friends.

Bargy and Friends, a holding company. And it was referred to as a shadow company. Yeah, we gave them, like, 300,000 crew. Yeah. And then we built upon it. It literally was the shape of a pyramid. Yeah. And then, I mean, I have all the documentation for anybody that wants it.

And we also have this, like, audio signature from Barchi that says, I approve of this financial transaction. We were super high, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep records, baby. Uh, thank you. The prosecution rests this one again. Sammo and Wink! Wink. Let me ask you,

you two pretty big dust heads, are you not? Formally. Formally. Yeah, we haven't been able to do dust for a while, because we can't afford it anymore. Yeah. We went through dust withdrawal. And if you don't know how that's like, just, like, imagine, like, seeing the world for, like, what it is. Yeah. And your skin getting, just, like, imagine, like, seeing the world for, like, what it is.

Yeah. And your skin getting, like... Clear. And, like, losing weight. Yeah. And, like, feeling really healthy. And, like... And, like, we're going on runs and stuff now.

Yeah. We do, like, yoga. Yeah. And space Pilates. A living hell. Right. But when you engaged in your financial transaction with the Bargerian Jade, were you or were you not on dust? Yeah.

Very dusted. But we, like, think, like, much better when we're on dust. Yeah. Oh, how interesting. So you would say that your recall is actually improved while you're on dust. Yeah, I think so. Because I remember a moment ago when you said you gave Bargie a bunch of money. Oh, no, wait.

You said you gave her business agents a bunch of money. Oh, no, wait. You said you gave her business agents a bunch of money. Is that correct? Yeah, but Bargy was right there. Okay, but did you give Bargy the money, or did we give the business agent the money? I guess we gave it to the business agent. Oh, how interesting. Okay. He's leading

the witness. No, I do the overruled. I do the overruled. No. Objection. Right, there we go. You do the objections. It's been a long day. No, I understand the overrule. I do the overrule. Objection! Right, there we go. You do the objections. It's been a long day. Right, no, I understand. It's like these 12-hour shooting days. You know, I'm fine.

It's no big deal. Right, okay. He's leading the witness. I'm so sorry. Okay, overrule. So you gave the Bargerian Jade's business agents the money that you invested in these companies, which may or may not have had anything to do with the Bargerian Jade. I don't know.

We were on dust. Oh. Oh, so now your recall is worse because you're on dust. I guess I'm confused. I don't like the vibe that's happening. I'm not into this. I'm sorry. We've got to cut the executives in the booth.

They find this whole performance just... Not spicy enough? It's not spicy. I've actually got something, executives. I'm so sorry. You understand what we're asking for? I'm with you. I'm with you.

All right, all right. And we're going. Three, two, one. So, Sammo and Wink, it seems like you have some pretty severe memory problems. So, maybe what you need is Crafty Bot, if I could. Some dust, please. Chuck, yes. Crafty Bot, if I could, some dust, please. Chuck, yes. Crafty Bot dispensing dust.

Wowie zowie, this is getting good. Sam and Link, I will need you to do this dust and then answer my question. Okay. Okay. And? Let me ask you one more time. Let me ask you one more time. Classic.

Did you? Did you? Yes. Or did you you one more time. Classic. Did you or did you not give any money directly to the Bargerian Jane? That's so weird because I was asking you the question. Yeah, answer the question. I did not. The defense rests. Thank you. Yeah. Wow, flipped it right back at her.

Turned it right back in my face. But they never gave money directly to the Bargerian Jade, only her business agent. So it sounds to me like their qualm is with them and not the Bargerian Jade. Thank you. Wow. No more questions. Yeah. Hairs are being split.

Get out of your chairs and move your body because it's time for recess! Recess! Recess! Recess! Everybody get up! Recess! Recess! Recess! Everybody get up! Recess! Justice system! We are back from halftime, ladies and gentlemen. Here on Pump Up the Justice. Honorable Host, Dewey Winkle presiding.

We're coming in hot into the second half, and we're getting a little bit of witnesses from the deep, deep defense. Go to it! Now, as is tradition in Hollywood court, all of the defense witnesses are surprise witnesses. So, without any further ado, let me bring in my first of three extremely surprising witnesses, each more surprising than the last.

I present to you... Hey, I'm sorry, everyone. Sorry, everyone. I actually don't know. Who is that bird? I'm Master Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bundle. I just need to get... I'm so sorry, Nermit, but I need to get onto the Bargear and Jade, actually. I am Nermit. Bargear? No, it's Nermit bundle. I just need to get... I'm so sorry, Nermit, but I need to get onto the Barjarian Jade, actually. I don't know who that is. Barj... No, it's Nermit. It's... Okay, my client doesn't know who you are,

so you're going to have to leave. Barj, please, open the hatch. I need to get on. I'm not a witness. I'm just a... I'm a Master Missions Operator's Manager. Can we cut this? Can we cut this out? I don't know what this is. I mean, this is a surprise. The executives are loving this. Okay, great.

We'll roll with it. My lover is giving birth. Oh, they hate it. I'm sorry. Okay. We don't want to talk about this. Fine, opening up my hatch. I'm coming, darling!

Okay, if we could get back to my surprise witnesses. I'd like to call for my first surprise witness, the Grower Mind. As the bailiff whose responsibility it is to slate the witness, I don't see... Wow! Out of the chest of the Rastan bailiff! Name, height, representation.

I am the Grower Mind. My height is forever. My representation is that of the undying will of the Swarm. Also, I'm freelancing with the Universal Talent Agency. Now, Mr. Grower Mind, you and the Bajarian Jade have shared a relationship, is that correct? That is affirmative and true. How would you characterize, based on that relationship the inner nature

of the Bajarian Jade? What sort of sentient is she? The type of sentience that will care for those around her There was a time when emotion and empathy and affection were shared between us Well, that is interesting

Uh, Mr. Gromomind, if possible, would you marry the Bajarian Jade? Affirmative. Objection. Come on. I feel like I'm in the middle of a... Overall, this is good, hot, hot, nasty stuff.

Thank you so much for your time, Mr. Gromomind. No further questions. Prosecution, your witness. Mr. Growermind, is that what you go by? All species know my name. How would you describe what you do on a regular basis? I assimilate willing and unwilling species into the collective swarm into my hive mind. During the process of assimilation, the body goes through an over-morphing

process where carbon atoms are broken down into egg sacs, producing many types of cast-sitter perfect cast-system. I see. Now wouldn't you consider that to be a violent sort of work? Objection. Objection.

I'm just asking what he does. Well, he told you what he does. I'm getting more context. Objection. Rejection. Objection. I'm just asking what he does. Well, he told you what he does. I'm getting more context. Objection. Rejection. Noshkin, after our hosts have served their purpose, we burst forth from their chests, killing them instantly. I like to point out he said the word killing. Roboromind, do you have any financial transactions with the Marjoram Jade?

The Roboromind has transacted as you put it, through crystals adorned to her hull for decoration and defense. Interesting. Could you please explain? The weavers of our perfect caste system imbue crystals made from mucus-laden egg sacs. The perfect defense developed over billions of years. Only the strongest types of space magic will be able to tear her beauty from it. She will be undefeatable through her beauty. All will bow before her! And last question. Carmine, isn't it true that at the end of the day, you're just simply a biased character witness whose undying love for Bargerian Jade is making you willing to say anything to find her innocent,

even though there is enough insurmountable evidence to find her otherwise. Objession? What's love got to do with it? Who got to do with it? Objession? Shush. Oh. Okay, great. No, no, no. You want the other one. No? No, that's the bad one for you. There is no guilt.

There is no innocence. There is no good or evil. There is only the undying perfect will of the swarm. Prior to leaving the stand, I have but one final task to perform. Children, all in the room, stand before me and come willingly into the hive. Everyone rise. I was told that they would rise

after this and willingly come. Your Honor, permission to ion blast the witness? Uh, graphic. The will of the storm. Justice is done. Hot shots. Well, Quaid Blizmo is no stranger to a hostile witness. Remember, he was your witness.

I know, I remember. Okay. Who could the next surprise witness be? I call to the stage Security Officer Dog. Oh, sorry. Security Officer Dog. I have a stage manager fail here. We're okay. Does anyone know? security officer Dar stage manager fail here

where is Dar Barge what happened you said this person was going to be lights out for you we've already talked about this that's not for television nobody wants to see it or talk about it I couldn't disagree

more. I love the magic of birth. I watch birth. This justice watches birth videos nightly. I'm happy to continue on with my final surprise witness. The most surprising of all the witnesses. Me, Phenom

Pennyworth, currently seeking representation. Wow. You're on a note. Love it. Who are you? Phenom Pennyworth is now parachuting. I'm just a kid with a bunch of dreams.

He's parachuting down from the upper decks. Phenom, don't get up on the stand. You're not a witness. I guess I won't get up on the stand. I guess I'll dance on the stand. Objection. Just, I mean, the whole thing. What?

Objection, Shoshone. Get this clown out of here. I got dreams. Phenom Pennyworth, eject him. I got dreams, I tell you. You can't take me out of here. I'm going to be a star. A star, you hear me?

A star. A star. Phenom Pennyworth. It's one end, so it'll really chuck you up. It's a peeny worth? It's Pennyworth. I don't think so. It's Pennyworth.

As I was saying, your honor. Yeah, well. I call to the stand Mr. Leximar Pwench. Super Agent Leximar Pwench? That's correct. No, did I get a meeting with him? Zowie. Well, he's got a meeting with Justice.

Leximar P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P Everyone's work here. Just a big fan. Big fan. Wow, that means a lot. Well, actually, it's an honor to ask you to slate the camera. Also, my reel. Fantastic. I own judges' robes if you need to. Fantastic. I always watch these. Thank you so much for this. Oh, wow.

I'm Leximar Puench. I am two meters tall. Wow, exactly. And I am represented by Poinch Associates Incorporated Associates. Signed both lines of that contract, said Lexi Poinch. Let's do it.

Tell me a little bit about yourself. Um, I'd rather not, Mr. Poinch. I'd like to ask you a number of questions about your client, the Bajarian Jade. Hey, Barge. You look great, by the way. Have you lost weight? I'm serious. ask you a number of questions about your client, the Bargerian Jade. Hey, Barge. You look great, by the way. Have you lost weight? I'm serious.

It's a little awkward. Have you? I, uh, yeah, I, um... How great is she? How great is she? Am I right? Say Barge! Oh, you heard it here.

Mr. Punt, she's extremely great. There's no questions about that. What there are questions about is how great you are. Quaid Blismo is turning it on his own witness. This is a good, good deal for the ratings. Mr. Puench, I assert that the Bargerian Jade entered into a contract with you to obtain acting work, her life's passion, and you took that contract and turned around

and used it to make billions of croon off of her good name. Maybe old Lexi did a few deals on the back end, but hey, that's where I get most of my income. You took your ability to represent the Bargerian Jade and used it to misrepresent her all over town, as you can see from these clips. You know what's cool, kids? Huffing paint thinner. Love it! And so does Bargy. Bargerian Jade and I approve of this message.

You know what's lame? Child labor laws. Vote no on Proposition 2. This is Bargerian Jade and I approve of this message. Vote no on Proposition 2. This is Vajarian Jade, and I approve of this message. Ooh, the smoky voice, leathery skin, and long-lasting health effects of the Cigarillo Smoker. This is Vajarian Jade, and I approve of this message. Chantawa, Chantawa, Chantawa, Chantawa. Chantawa, Chantawa, Vajarian Jade, Chantawa, Chantawa, Chantawa.

That's by far the worst one. And you thought this would be a fun little croon grab, didn't you, Mr. Pwench? Didn't you? I thought it would be a lucrative croon grab. By the way, you are... I've seen you from something. What have I seen you in? You've definitely seen me in something. Do you currently have representation? me in some. Do you currently have representation? Mr. Pwench, is it fair to say that all of the counts

of money laundering, of tax fraud, of tax evasion, leveled at the Bargerian Jade in this court today are your doing and not the Bargerian Jade's? Why are we all here? I'll tell ya.

Stories, right? Mr. Pwench, respectfully answer the you. Stories, right? Mr. Pwench, respectfully answer the question. Uh, I mean, my... All right, um, we're going to skip right ahead to closing argument. Oh, no, I have to call Bargy to the stand. I have a lot to say. Then you should have used your time more wisely. I have a video.

You should have let Phenom Pennyworth talk so much. Okay, I didn't even call him to the stand. He wasn't your extra? No, I don't have no idea. Was he your extra? No, I don't know. Well, listen, he stole your limelight and he also stole time from your star witness. All right. Barge, I'm so sorry. Well, can I at least sing a song?

Nope, we don't have time for it. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been living our every moment of our lives up until this moment for now, the moment we've all been living our every moment of our lives up until this moment for now, the closing arguments. Today you heard a lot of talk and movement and

speech and imagery from both sides. And it's up to now you, the viewers at home, all 7 billion of you, to vote in and text 1 for innocent, whatever, or 2 for guilty to 256-472-9653. This is a real number, I'm not lying to you, okay? It's 2 for guilty for the following reasons. We have many videos and audio transcriptions of her promoting things that are illegal and, frankly, outrageous.

And I'm here today to say all 115 counts of financial treason and murder and unsafe scaffolding and for just wearing things out of style. I mean, come on, let's really think about it. These guys should be voted guilty. Thank you so much. I mean, come on, let's really think about it. Should be voted guilty. Thank you so much. I rest my case for real.

And that's it for the prosecution. Kick it into the defense. Ladies and gentlemen of the viewing audience, we've had a lot of fun today, haven't we? It's been quite a ride. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The Bargerian Jade is up here on a number of counts of tax evasion, of tax fraud, and of money laundering. Okay? And I'm not saying that those things didn't happen. But what I... What? What? Wait. Hold on. What? Bargy, just please... Okay, but you literally just said not saying those things didn't happen. Bargy, can you trust Blizmo? Can you trust Blizmo?

Okay, fine. But what I am saying is the Bargerian Jade was swindled into agreeing to forfeit her likeness to a predatory agent by the name of Leximar Pwench. And Mr. Pwench used the wholesome, familiar, comforting image of the Bargerian Jade to promote his extremely questionable and frankly disgusting projects across the galaxy to the expense of Miss J. So, is she guilty? Perhaps. What? No.

Bodge, please. But you just let... Bodge, please. I do not... Is the Bajarian J guilty? Perhaps. She may be guilty of trusting a bad agent. Oh, yeah.

But she is innocent of all of these crimes. And in summation, I'd just like to say, we all want to be big stars. But we don't know why. And we don't know how. But when everybody loves me, I want to be just about as happy as I can be. And that's exactly what happened to my client, the Bargerian J.

Text 1 for Innocent to 256 472 96 53. This is a real number that you can text right now if you want to save a life. Thank you.

And I'm by Jerry and Jane and I approve of this message. Also, there's something weird happening inside of me right now. Ladies, gentlemen, sentients, robots, beasts of all flavors, has this not been the most exciting trial in the history of the world? Heck, that's just the world of all of Holovision. It's in your hands. You text 1 for innocent, 2 for guilty, to 256-472-9653. Standard data and text rates may apply.

Have we said that this is a real number? It's a real number. Did somebody say that? I'm out of my mind. We will pump up the justice and find out her fate on the next episode. You gotta get in on

this justice thing. You gotta feel it deep inside your core. You gotta reach down, grab it by the neck, pull it out. You gotta hold it and rub yourself. You gotta see which side you think is more. Who gave the judge more dust? Objection! Sussie! I'm in a room! Guilty! Guilty! Swear to tell the truth Throw up your right hand

Court is now in session Pump up the justice, pump up the jams Order in the court says the man with the hammer Slate the camera, make sure you don't stammer Objections will only get you so far We don't follow rules cause we plug the bar Watch your back, don't let ratings sour The execs in the booth have all the real power Tell us your story, show us the proof All right, that's lunch, everyone.

All right. But first, credit where credit is due. The Honorable Judges Stewie Winkall was played by Seth Lynn, Susan Prostakushvar, and Wink were played by Bhushan Tolfagari. Defense Attorney Quaid Bismel was played by Jeremy Bent. Producer and script supervisor were played by Ali Kokesh. Thank you. at Robert J. Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York. Pump Up the Justice theme song composed and performed by Coco and the Puppy Pound. Ship designed for the Bajarian Jade by Eric Goyes. Audio hosting by Simple Caston. Mission to Six is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

One more thing. We assure you, you can actually vote on the outcome of this trial. Text 1 for innocent, 2 for guilty, to the phone number 256-472-9653 to determine the fate of the Bargerian chain. All right, that's Flacenti and Back in 30. Hi, I'm Dave. Hi, I'm Graham. And we're two house DJs who have been trapped inside our drum machine.

We love it here, and we'd love if you stopped by and visited us every week on Stop Podcasting Yourself here on MaximumFun.org. We're just a couple of doofuses from Canada. And listen to our show or perish. Stop Podcasting Yourself on MaximumFun.org. Unless you're able to discuss the semiotics of dire wolves and Game of Thrones, Inside Pop is definitely not for you. Sean, that's a little extreme and also not quite true.

Okay, Amita, how about Inside Pop is the podcast for people who love and appreciate the best pop culture has to offer. Much better. In every episode, we interview the people who create the culture you crave. Past interviews include Luke Cage showrunner Cheo Hadari Coker, the music supervisor of the Florida Project, and Mudbound director Dee Rees. You'll also get the very best pop culture recommendations in our Big Sell segment. Plus the opinions of two TV producers who are pop culture obsessives and actually do care a lot about direwolves. Which, of course, symbolize our inability to truly connect with the natural world without ultimately destroying it and in the process destroying ourselves. Listen to Inside Pop every other Wednesday on the Maximum Fun Podcast Network.

MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. You know what? Your Honor. I'll overrule it. Thank you.

No, that's the one you don't want. Damn it. No, it is. Oh, wait. You objected. You have to sustain it. I'm Goofy McJerkoff. I think that's it.