Mission To Zyxx - 401: Beware the Allwheat!

Episode Date: February 19, 2020

Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut BundaloyWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as BargieFeaturing crowd voices from our S4 kickoff live show audience at the Brooklyn Podcast FestivalRecording, sound design and mix by Shane O’ConnellEdited by Seth LindMusic composed by Brendan RyanAdditional music by Shane O’ConnellOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric GeuszAudio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. 

The galaxy trembles before the Orwit! Okay, that's overstating it. But people are, you know, apprehensive. Six months have passed since Plek-Dekzeta fulfilled his destiny by vanquishing the evil Galactic Emperor. Casting him off a precipice within the planet Crusher Crusher, where a whack ritual merged him with the ancient Beano-Cron and transformed them into an astronomical horror with unknown powers.

Does that count as vanquishing? Galactic order has crumbled in the Emperor's absence Planetary alliances dissolve overnight The value of Kroon fluctuates wildly New and sinister threats emerge throughout the galaxy Pardon my Juntawa, but it's a real Juntawa show On the remote ice world of Corvus, three speeder bikes streak across the frozen

wasteland toward coordinates extracted from the fragments of an encrypted message. Can our heroes escape mortal danger, locate their missing leader, and unify the galaxy once more? A desperate hope

is all they have left on their Mission 260. The End I'm sorry. There's another one! Fleck? Fleck, you cannot panic. Do not close your eyes. Fleck, don't close your eyes while you're driving. Open your eyes! What do we do? Go faster. We go faster.

I can't go faster. It's the fastest it goes. Okay, I'm going to put my foot on your foot. Fleck, I realize this to put my foot on your foot. Oh! This is a high-tech scenario, but you have to realize there's a maximum speed on these speeder buses. It's not a race, AJ. We're trying to outrun these monsters.

Nice. Come on, C-53. AJ, these ice monsters are so close to the speeder. Do not get experimental with the driving. I thought I could pull a wheelie. You can't wheelie with a thing without wheels. Hang on tight. I am also yelling.

I am also yelling. I am participating in this. I am part of this experience. Archie, we love you, but you being close to us is really a giveaway. I'm yelling. They're definitely going to be able to see you near us. What? I just want to chime in real quick with, we had a plan when we came down to the surface.

The plan sort of went to shit when the ice monsters walked out of the cave. Ice monsters is derogatory. They are accordion ice beasts. What is it? How? Okay. We need to get into one of these They are accordion ice beasts. What is it? How? Okay. We need to get into one of these caves and outrun these beasts. Seems like we might need to free ourselves for now.

That is my job. That is my only job. To take you from one place to the other. Well, Bargy, these caves seem a little narrow. I'm not sure if... I can fit. I don't know. I'd say that's it.

I've lost some pounds due to depression. I can fit. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't I don't know. I've lost some pounds due to depression. I can fit. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. I don't like this. Oh, Archie. Well, I'm just going to try again. Oh, no, don't. Okay.

All right. Sorry. You know, you guys go ahead. I'm just going to continue trying to fit until it happens. Okay. She's just reversing and trying to fit into you until it happens. Okay. She's just reversing and ramming back in the same cave. Oh. I can't get through.

That's okay, man. Alright. You guys hide in the caves. The lizard and I will take care of these ice monsters. Ah, they're corny and icy. We're walking alone. We don't have time. And I'm Nermin.

Alright, AJ and Nermin have drawn the ice beast's attention away. So now all we need to do is navigate this highly intricate network of caverns. How are we going to do that? See, it's really hard to steer these while they're going so fast. I don't seem to be having a problem. Yeah, that's because you put your cube into the... You are the speeder right now. I'm just saying, from the inside, they're quite easy to steer. Okay, yeah, Darnay is sharing his speeder,

and it doesn't maneuver quite the same way. I'm sorry, is that a dig at me? No, these are single-person speeders. Okay, then I can kick you off. Ah, that's not... Actually, that's a good point, Dart. Why can't I ride your speeder, C-53? It has a seat there.

You're not riding me. That's not happening. If I let you sit on me, you're gonna try to turn the wheel. I mean, that's a good point. Oh, yeah. Oh, can't resist. I love to steer. Yeah. Okay, everybody, you ready to do this? You ready to rock?

Never been more ready. Oh, that reminds me. You know what we need to do? What? We need a soundtrack. Let me pull out the speaker. And blow. Oh, this is my song, Speed of Rise.

What? I love it. The soundtrack to our life. That's exactly what's happening right now. In focus? Yeah. This is amazing. Boss, what's doing? It's what we're doing, AJ.

We're riding on a speeder. We're riding. Kick up the jams. What? I don't know. You gotta keep the speaker away from the microphone. No. They're on top of us.

They're on top of us. We gotta turn up the speed. Oh, you just turned up the volume on the song. Maybe that'll help. It's not? Hey, listen, I don't want to backseat drive here, but, uh... Ah! C-3-3, you need to help us get through these caves. I don't know what I'm doing.

All right, these speeders have a rudimentary navigation system, so let me see if I can take the coordinates we matched to pull from the transmission from C-3. Here we go. Pot of death? Oh, thank Rod. Okay, what do we do? Okay, this is going to be a little tricky. Take the first right here.

All right, and then you're going to merge. What do you mean merge? There's no lanes. Merge. Merge. Merge onto what? Merge onto Ice Canyon Boulevard. Ice Canyon Boulevard?

All right, okay. Beautiful merge. And now you're going to take a slight left. Slight left. Okay, into Crystal Island. There you go. That can't be what these are called. Okay, now it's a sharp left.

What? Next, rerouting. Yeah, now we're on a real map quest. All right, hold the steering wheel. No, I can't. All right, you're going to lean back behind us and start to shoot. No, don't let go of the wheel. Three, two, one, let's do it.

You got to keep it steady, buddy. I'm not a power steering. We're scraping. We're scraping. No, we don't need to be up against the wall right there, brother. We're bouncing. We're bouncing. Oh, boy.

No, it's cooler if you kept it straight. Lock and load and keep it on the road. There's no road. That was great. That was great. I think we got one. We need a little more firepower. Take the butt gun.

Can I? What if you take the butt gun? I'll take the... The other one's a little too big for you. No, I don't... Butt gun's got... I'll risk it. It's clean.

It's clean. How could it be clean? It's clean. Okay. Here we go. Doesn't be shooting. Wow, it's just like eventually none of the crew are going to know my name. Lock and load, baby.

Oh, okay. This is getting better. Oh, got a little deficit on that. Oh, come on. All right, this is it. Whoa. Wow, this is a really intricate hideout. I mean, I guess she was here for almost a year. Yeah, a while.

Wow, look at all these ice chairs. Well, it's an ice cha ice chairs. Where is everybody? Oh, is that an ice AI assistant? I am Ice Lexa. How may I help you? Ice Lexa? Ice Lexa, play speeder ride. No.

Now play speeder ride. Okay, please. Alright, alright. Ice right, all right. I selects a pause. I selects a pausing. Okay. It announces that it's pausing. Wow, you can't get this pause. I selects a pausing.

Still, wow. I mean, it's made of ice. It's not going to be perfect. Yeah. C53, are there any life forms at all in this cave? No. Cincinnati. We're dead?

Who are you, AJ? Yeah, wait, are we dead? Oh, no. Besides us. And we live here. No, that's... Yeah, we live here now. No.

Why would we do that? Nermin. Yeah. You're cold-blooded, right? Yeah. Does your brain slow down when it's cold? Huh? I feel like Nermin and I have really been vibing on this mission.

Nermin, you're a loose cannon in the field. Huh? Never mind. Listen, guys, I don't think Sisu is here. Dar, what are you checking out over there? Oh, just reading a little something. It's a diary. It's a diary, okay?

It's a diary. Oh, okay. Well, how recent are the entries? Up until about 11 minutes ago. Oh, wow. That's very recent. Don't worry, everybody. I'll find Sisu because I've got one of these.

What is that? Keychain? Tracking fob. What's a tracking fob? It's one of these. What is that? Keychain? Tracking fob. What's a tracking fob? It's a fob. What is it tracking? It helps track people. You guys didn't have tracking fobs?

No. Why would we have? It's like a thing. Tracking Sisu. Wait, AJ, don't you have to have something paired with the fob? It's just a thing that beeps and you're like, hey, whoever you want to find, you get a tracking fob and they beep. How does that work?

What the fob are you talking about? Whoever you want to find. you get a track and fob and they... How does that work? What the fob are you talking about? Whoever you want to find. I don't know. I don't know the technology. I just... Do you see? It's like, it's beefing more when I put my arm out. How would the fob know where she is? It knows, robot man. It knows. No one knows where Sisu was. We had to decrypt

a message for months. Where is Sisu? Also We had to decrypt a message for months. Where is Sisu? Also, how has she been dating while hiding in this ice cave? Good question. I mean, he's tracking something. Look what happens when I go to this giant staircase.

Follow me up the staircase. Hey. There's... Oh, there's Bargy. Hey, guys. Wait, Bargy? How did you get here? I told you I would fit.

Whoa. Now I'm just joshing you. I flew around. Oh. Yeah, I can't. I'm too big. Also, I have the coordinates. Yeah, now that makes sense.

Took you guys a while. Why didn't you just let me drop you off close? In retrospect, Bargy, yes, that was a good idea. Yeah. We had these speeders. We were real excited about using them. Wait a minute. I got an idea.

Maybe it's not tracking Sisu at all. Maybe it's tracking Baby Dar. The baby is not named Baby Dar. Who is Baby Dar? What is a Baby Dar? Well, no, it's a baby of Dar species. But Dar isn't the name of Dar species. Right, but I'm just saying that the baby is like Baby Dar.

The baby's name is Horse Hat. Right, so, okay. Because he's a baby horse. Baby Ho-Ha. Baby Ho-Ha. I approve. I would die for Baby Ho-Ha. Okay, alright

Hey! Hey! Can I get some more ice out there? What? Why? I'm making a special drink An old salty grandma For Sisu Wait, Sisu's on the ship?

Oh, you're making an old salty grandma? Yeah What is that? You never had an old salty grandma? No! You're very good What's in it? Wait, no.

Oh, is Cece on the ship? Yeah. She's been dated. Did you know that? I did. We did figure that out. Wow, she's great. All right, I'll talk to you guys later.

Wait, how did you know the person we've been looking for this whole time? Oh. The fob doesn't lie. Where did you get it? I don't know how it works or where it came from, but the fob don't lie. Where did you get it? I don't know how it works or where it came from, but the fob don't lie. Wait, so did we technically rescue Sisu? We did, right? I mean, we came to the planet and she's now on the ship, so yeah. So technically Bargy rescued Sisu. But we had to speedrun.

Yeah, thank you for that. Sometimes you need other people to acknowledge what you've done. Yeah, good job, Bargy rescued Sisu. But we had the speeders. Yeah, thank you for that. Sometimes you need other people to acknowledge what you've done. Yeah, good job, Bargy. What about the speeders, though? That was so amazing. I mean, the speeders were great. Excuse me? Sorry, hi. Hello, Sisu. Sisu, it's great to see you again.

You look so good. Hey, Jade. Oh, thank you. Hey, being in an ice planet does wonders for your skin. Oh, that was very loud. That was very loud. AJ! She's, uh,

pretty, don't we? AJ, get down on the ground. What? Okay. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go use the crapper. Wow. Wow. Absolutely. Right this way. Very blunt.

Let's respond. Is a crapper like a brand of a cryo-freeze wand or something? No, it's a toilet. Oh, yeah. She's pretty, right? Do we all agree that she... I don't know. It's weird.

I have like a weird... Oh. What? AJ, AJ, you know, your attraction to Sisu sort of makes sense. You're great. So she? No, no, no, no. You're a clone of Rolf's Tittle.

I don't know about that. Okay, we do know about that. Your DNA comes from Sisu's ex-husband. Okay, I'll help him somewhere. AJ, maybe we should clarify something. Can you take off your helmet real quick? Okay. All right, let me just... Look at this picture of Rolf's Tittle. Can you take off your helmet real quick? Okay. Alright, look in this mirror.

Look at this picture of Rolf's title. Did you take a picture of the mirror? No. If I took a picture of the mirror, I would take a picture of myself. Oh, it's 1899. Yes, that's who it is. 18995. No, this is a picture of Rolf's title. AJ, you might say that Rolf's title is

zero. Yeah. Oh, that's... Oh, no. Baby ho-ho. Horse hat. I got it, I got it, I got it. I'm gonna... Kidney. Somebody lift. I wanna rock. Horse hat. Okay. Okay. Thank you. It will count as me rocking.

I mean, I guess. Guys, what if Sisu and I had a kid? I don't think that's possible. You don't have genitals. I mean, right. Yeah. But, like, what if I, like, butted Sisu and I had a kid? I don't think that's possible. You don't have genitals. I mean, right. But, like, what if I, like, butted? Like, I... Butted? You know, like, butted and there was a kid.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Let's see where this goes. Explain. Yeah, yeah, say this. Yeah, so, like, what if I, like, butted? Like a flower. Like a flower. And there was a little bud on, like, the side of my neck.

And it just sort of grew and grew. It was like the kid of me and Sisu, you know? Ah, that was one of my movies. Oh, wait, what? Yeah, it was called Air Bud. Oh, yeah. It was a spaceship Bud. Yeah, it's about a spaceship.

Who did you bud off of? A big ship? A dog. Oh, wow. Like CGI or was there a dog that big? There was a real dog. A dog that big? There's no rule that says a dog can't bud a spaceship.

Yeah. A talented dog died shortly after. Not because of the movie, but because he had an alcoholic problem. Also dust. Also pills. Also kind of racist. Really? That's too bad.

This is a real roller coaster ride. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, guys, don't worry about me and Sisu. I'll be chill. I feel like I'm pretty, you know, pretty kind of the best at being chill. Yeah, right.

I'm kind of the best at keeping low-key. Plus, like, Dara's... Okay, I'm back. Oh, hey, Jane, put your helmet back on. I am refreshed. I just want to give my appreciation for finding me. You know, I didn't know if anyone was going to come, if anybody got our signal. Yeah, we got your message. Now, don't, I didn't know if anyone was going to come, if anybody got our signal.

Yeah, we got your message. Now, don't think I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't just waiting here like a damsel in distress. I have been working hard, boots on the ice, every single day. I've created street names, a highway system. And I've been working with the locals here. I created a colony of monsters of democracy.

It's thriving right now. They have an amazing economy. Those monsters? Yeah, the ice beasts? The Corvian ice beasts? Yeah, the Corvian ice beasts. You mean they're not feral murderers? Oh, they're amazing businessmen.

They're acumen. It's precise. If they were chasing you, say, what would the reason be? Oh, they'd only chase you if you dropped something or if you didn't go through customs or if you're driving a speeder without a permit. Or sometimes they just pat you on your back and congratulate you for doing a good job. We've had a lot of chases. Well, you know, Sisu,

I just want to say it's great to have you back. We need you now more than ever. Honestly. I remember your name. I remember your name. We've met before, right? I never forget a face. Okay. I never forget the name.

You might remember we as a crew went to the dumps and rescued Rolfus from the... Don't say that name. If I ever see his face again, I don't even know what I'll do. AJ, no. This is the way. It's really not. It feels like the way.

AJ. Fine. You know, he's probably still alive somewhere out there. Maybe he is. Maybe somebody who has his face and a flat plank where his genitals should be. AJ. Still around. What?

AJ. AJ. He's probably with some young piece. Maybe. AJ, I want you to take baby ho-ha. Here you go. Okay, let's go. Oh, look how cute.

Oh. All right, I'll get down on the grass. I don't know how this... Okay, fine. Well, Cece, I mean, the galaxy's kind of a very precarious place right now. We were so happy to get your message and hear that you're alive because, frankly, it got real, real jacked up recently. Tell me everything. Also, it's Plek.

Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah. Good job. I thought she was bluffing, but she got it. She really got it. What's his last name? Nermit.

Why would you do that to her? Plek Dicksetter. Very close. Very close. Oh, no, no. You got it, Sisu. That's perfect. That is his name.

I never forget. I never forget. Well, thank you. You know, Sisu, things have gotten real crazy. There was an emperor that, as you know, the emperor Balwit ruled with an iron fist for, for months until our team sort of took him down. Good for you.

Give yourselves a little clap. Come on. Thank you. I will say he sort of merged with the Beaniecron and kind of became, I don't even know how you, a celestial entity? Well, the mass of a planet crusher

collapsed inward. We call it the All Wheat. It's sort of like a mystical black hole. It's like if an eclipse was mean. It'd kind of be like if an orange was really big and kept screaming all the time. Okay.

Imagine like a bloody eye socket, but in a completely dark room. Okay, so what it sounds like is... It's kind of like when you make a movie, okay? And instead of there being actors, they just hide rocks. Sure. Right? I mean emotionally, yeah. That's exactly what they always

like. Okay. Thank you, AJ. Well, actually, you emotionally, yeah. That's exactly what they always like. If you shout out a comment, they've insulted you. Thank you, AJ. Well, actually, you know, it'd probably be easier if we just showed you this report. Right. Welcome back to a panel of a thousand voices. Tonight, once again, all eyes are on the Zeke Squadron because of that big fiery thing in the sky. What does it do is the question of the day. First up, Jack McPherson.

I have to say that I'm for the all weed. I think that it's really driven a discussion. Heinfin Pfeifen from Smackle News. I have to say that I am against the All Weed. Why do they keep consuming matter that comes close to its surface? Gurp from Gurp Tribune. I have to say that I'm pro-All Weed.

It's a changemaker, and I like that. I'm Gurp. Yes, No from Yes, No News. No! Little Bill from Yes-No News. No! Little Bill from the Manar Middle School Courier. I'm Little Bill. I'm terminally ill. The all-wheat is gonna kill us all.

Pervit from Pervit Valley City News. I don't know why we have to keep talking about it. Why can't we just stare at it for a while? Gentawa. Gentawa, Gentawa, Gentawa. Gentawa. Well, pro-all wheat, anti-all wheat. I think we can all agree the all wheat is exciting.

I don't know if that report actually cleared up anything. Yeah, no, that was not very helpful. Maybe a bit less clear. Okay, so what it sounds like is everything's gone to shit since I've been gone. Yeah, in addition to the mystery of the all-weeds, the absence of Emperor Nermin Bonsaloy has created a massive power vacuum throughout

the galaxy. Governments have no idea who to report to. The most popular show on television takes place inside the digestive tract of a zelma. What? The wheels are coming off. It's not good. Yeah.

Well, I have to do something. Gang, I have good news. I have returned. And I, Sisu Gundu, am going to make sure that everything goes back to being pristine perfect. Yes. The fabric of society must be mended. This is rousing. Is she coming up with this on the spot? This is no longer a monarchy.

This is no longer a federated alliance. This is no longer a rebellion. This is the future. Wow. Yes. Now I, I'm prepared. I am ready and I know exactly what to do to get this universe back on track. Yes. And you,

my beloved crew, are going to help me. Yeah. All right. Wow. Yes, we are honored. I have a plan to reunite the galaxy, and we're going to start right here in the Zik Squadron. Yes.

Sounds perfect. Or as I like to call it, the butt end of a spas. Yeah, wow, that does get his like that. Yeah, it really does. Yeah, I've heard it called the ass end of space, but the butt end of a spas. Yeah, wow, that does get his like that. Yeah, I've heard it called the ass end of space, but the butt end of a spasa. It's nice. You know, it feels good to work for someone who has a vision.

Yeah, yeah. I know the Zimas were like fun, but who we? I don't even know if I'd call them fun. Now let me go around the room and tell you what you're gonna be doing. Oh, wow. Alright. You, C-53, I know your name. What now?

I would like you to be my protocol in diplomatic relations, droid. See, Sue, I would be honored to accept. All right. Nermit Bundeloy, look me in the eye. Look me straight in the eye. Are you looking at me? Are you there? Is the intensity there?

Okay, I'm getting up on the table looking at you straight in. Okay. As I'm building my team, you are going to be my temporary emergency emissarial negotiations missions operations manager. Oh, Sisu, I would be absolutely honored at your service.

You're a team mom. What? Oh, yeah. Yes, that's exactly what it is. What do you mean? Oh, that shortens right down. Bargy! I know what it is. What do you mean? I think... Oh. Yeah. That shortens right down. Well, never your parents are going to be so proud of you, Auntie and Mom. No, they... Bargy!

I know you've gone through struggle from top to bottom. You are going to be the ship. Wow. Wow. Okay, you know what? I didn't see that coming. I've been trying to find myself for a while, and I guess I'm a ship. I have an announcement to make.

I'm not an actor anymore. I've given up on acting. It's caused me only pain. No. That's true. I'm not leaving the bits. I'll tell you that. I'm just going to work in development now.

It'd be behind the scenes. Not so much in front. It's a good choice. I'll tell you that. I'm just gonna work in development now. I think this is a real positive step forward. Be behind the scene, not so much in front. Dope. You know, it's a good choice. Yeah. AJ, you are my security officer. All right! Okay.

You got it. Let's lock him up. Dar, you exude confidence. Yeah, I do that. You exude power. You seem to always know what it is that you want. And you go for it. So there is nobody better here in this ship that I can think of

than you to be the captain. I'm sorry, what? Twelve? Yeah, great. Wow. Captain Dar. Thank you, Captain Dar.

Sisu, I will not disappoint. I'm so honored. Wow, we never had a captain. Yeah. That's true. Captain Dar. Great, I think that's it. We've all got jobs.

Yeah, this is amazing. Wow. What about Papa? Oh, right, Plek. Plek needs a job. Plek, right? Oh, right, Plek. Plek needs a job. Plek, right. Oh, right, Plek. Yeah, sure.

Plek, of course. Yeah. No one here doesn't have a job. Cool, yeah, great. Just any, whatever. I will figure it out later. But until then, you have fun. I want you to focus on having fun.

You took down the emperor, okay? You, like, don't have a purpose anymore. Well, I mean, you know. It's just the expense of skill. Yeah. Yeah, it's like your whole thing. Yeah, your story is complete. You've sacrificed so much.

Yeah. Black. Yeah? I'm sorry you got fired. What? I think you got fired. Hey, C-53. Yeah?

Were you surprised that Barchi stole the ship? You need to recoup. I was thinking it would be the ship. Hey, honestly, I'm surprised. I'm gifted a lot as a ship. So, Sisu Gundu, what's your title? What's your position? My title is Sisu Gundu.

Oh, yeah. Former Rebellion Leader. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Current mother, pretty sure. And future savior of all quadrants. Wow. An F-SAC. What? What is an F-SAC?

Not everything is an F-SAC. That one we can say out loud. Why is Teen Mom an acronym? Because it works. It works. Teen Mom. Also, of all questions, it would be F-Soup. I left out the...

Why don't we let the lady talk? Why can't we just let the lady talk? All right, AJ, why are you standing so close to her? And now step one, Captain Dar. That's me, Captain Dar. I'm giving you this chip, okay? Thank you. And now step one. Captain Dar. That's me. Captain Dar. I'm giving you this chip. Okay?

Thank you. What do I do with it? You will... No, wait. I'm a captain. I'll figure it out. Great. Okay, Nermit, we're going back to my HQ. Whoa, where's that?

Wait, you have an HQ? Yeah, it's where you guys picked me up. What? No, we rescued you. I thought you were in exile on an ice planet. No, you just put me on a ship for a hot sec. I'm going to go back. I renovated.

It is beautiful there. Also, I have a whole staff of those ice monsters. They're huge. That was your staff? Yeah, they work 24-7. Okay. Some of them told us they were leaving. Oh.

Yeah, don't look for them. Well, I hope they're going somewhere warm. Great, yeah. Was it Dale? Dale's been speaking about a vacation for a while. Big guy claws? Yeah. Oh, yeah, that was Dale. Yeah, six kids, mortgage, beautiful life.

What a sweetheart. Yeah, that, yep. Yeah, he makes the cookies you would kill for. You would kill him to get that recipe. I'd try to. I would. Amazing. Well, whoops.

Right. All right, Bargy, cue my exit theme song. Can I get this lift? Wow, that's fun. This is good. Wow. Bye, that's good, too. You're soulful. You're very soulful

That's a good choice H.G.'s arms are just at 45 degrees What is that? He's not holding anything Nermin I want to give you this It's your heat rock I know your brain doesn't work down there

Oh that's such a good point I totally went limp You would be so dumb if you didn't have this Thank you I'm looking out for you, bud Alright, Nermit, let's go No, guys, I'm going to HQ Actually, Sisu, I'm right behind you, okay?

Alright I'll catch up I'm darn horsehead I promised to co-parent So I want to know Is it okay that I leave with Sisu? Oh, we'll figure it out You've been called HQ

Just as I've been called to Captain Honestly Ho-ha may not be able to talk yet But it's completely self-sufficient Okay, Horsehat I love you I'll always be sort of maybe. Okay, horse hat, I love you. I'll always be sort of maybe your... Okay, that's a big hug.

Okay, horse hat, let me go. Okay. His eyes are popping out of his head. Oh, boy, wow. He looks like one of those stress-squeezy dolls. Well, Nerman, looks like we both had to say goodbye to special people today. You talking about Dale? You shot Dale between the eyes.

Ugh. Captain. Captain. Captain. Captain. Captain. Captain. You're not going Captain. Captain. Captain. You're not going to have to say captain that much.

When I introduce myself, captain. I guess that's probably the only time you'll say it. Captain. I'm going to need you to turn away from the mirror, Dar. Okay, okay. Captain, captain, captain, captain. Well, Dar, you seem quite kind of stressed. She handed me the chip, and now I'm like, what do I do with it?

Dar, I've been a protocol and diplomatic relations officer for quite some time. I can confidently say... The answer's inside of me, and I should just figure it out. Yeah, Papa, how did you do it when you were captain? No, he wasn't. No, absolutely not. But what I did do was... No one had a leadership position.

Until now. Because now I'm captain, and I'm in charge. I'm the Until now. Because now I'm captain. And I'm in charge. I'm the captain now. Papa, you'll always be the captain of my life. Thank you. I was just trying to make him feel better. He got fired.

What am I supposed to do? You guys don't have to make me feel better, by the way. Nobody likes doing what? Okay, you know what? Listen, I fulfilled my destiny. I took down the whack emperor of the galaxy. I deserve a little bit of a break. Have you heard from the Seamas at all? I think we're all taking a break.

You know, kicking back. Not all the Seamas are taking a break. The space has been balanced. I think we all deserve a hack and a cigarillo, you know? You know, come on. On the mission? Yeah. No, no, no, no.

I got Flappy Garfon fired up here. What would I do out there? I mean, I guess the same thing you do at Fruits is still... I guess I don't really know. Who's going to dither around? Black, let me give you some advice. Yeah, what is it, Pargey? As a ship. Hi, guys, I'm a ship now. The ship. Yeah, that's great. It's great to have it, Pargey?

Yeah, that's great. It's great to have you, Pargey. That was a twist. Wow. This way of thinking is correct. Oh. Let go of everything in the past. Let go of any relationships you've had. Nothing means anything because at the end of the day, there's a light at the end of

a tunnel that's coming faster and faster towards you. Yeah. So you go crazy. You do every drug you ever wanted. Break every single log. Okay, yeah, okay. Marge, are you okay? And you snap a neck.

Marge, are you doing all right? I'm fine. Yeah, because you're kind of not doing your job either. Hey, I'm doing well. Oh, thank Rod. Okay. Captain Don, we have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency and Mysterial Negotiations Missions Operations

Manager, Nermit Bundaboy. Hey, Nermit. Hey. You have to give us the mission now. I can't wait. I can't wait any longer. I can't sit here thinking, what could it be? What could it be? No, Dar, you're a great captain. It's going to be fine. Well, I don't have a great example to live up to here, so. True. Fair. I'm right here.

But you weren't the captain. That's a good point. Yeah, there was not an example. How's it going? Yeah, you staying warm in there? Yeah, I appreciate the heat rock. And check this out. Yeah, that looks like a real office.

I know, right? And guys, do you see behind me? Oh. Look at all these sentients here. Wow. Look at all these people. Like Cece said, the Corvian Ice Beasts are great. A lot of them work here.

Knock, knock. Hey. Hey, dear. So happy to have you part of the crew! Happy to be here. Thank you so much. Well, there's still some leftover cookies from Dale's recipe out in the kitchen. You should try some. They're real tasty. Yeah, I... No, I'm... I'm good. Speaking of Dale, have you seen him around?

We're doing a b-ball game after work today. You know, Dale is... You would be great on the team. You look like you got lost. But, uh... Oh, thank you. I... Um, Dale... I don't want to let you kill somebody.

I've heard Dale is often just like, you never know where Dale is. No, I think you usually always know where Dale is. Dale could be... How would you know what Dale does if you just got... I know him just fine. I know him better. Well, I guess if Dale ain't here,

it's a pretty sad day, I'll tell you that. Yeah. Okay, bye. Bye. Oh, you're fitting in right away. Completely sad. Anyway, I have your mission. The chip that F-Sack Gundu gave you.

No, we're not doing that. We're not doing F-Sack? Keep those words out of your mouth when you're talking about Mrs. Gundu. Okay, please. Quit shaking the camera. He's on our side. Keep those words out of your mouth when you're talking about Mrs. Gundu. Okay, please. Get them out of your mouth. Quit shaking the camera. He's on our side. Yeah, you remember me?

I'm Nermin. So the chip that Sisu Gundu gave you contains a message announcing her intention to unify the galaxy. It needs to be brought to Tenethius IV. Okay. Tenethius IV, of course. The hub of intergalactic broadcasting. Right.

You need to get the chip into the transmission port of the tower on to Nathias IV to broadcast this message of unity to everyone. Yes. Great. Well, perfect. So good. I say we blaze ahead.

All right. We can go there. Go ahead, I say we blaze ahead. We can go there. Just blaze. We will crash in there and stomp around and get after them. That's what I'm talking about. An Eftis core is honestly a very kind of orderly, laid-back society. It should be kind of straight up. Yeah, Captain, I think we'll probably have a pretty easy time of it. It's a well-run plan.

Wait, so is this a mission that we actually might, like, do? Yeah. Darn. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. This is the perfect mission to start with. We're in the shit now. We are in the shit now, people. Things have changed.

This is a nightmare. Watch. Two men's on your left. I want to travel with Gohan. My feet are on my. What? Two bands on your left. Why don't you grab all the go-hens? I see you're on my face. My face is all nippy. I see you're on my face.

My face is all nippy. Oh, my God. We don't like it. We don't like it. My face is a tinier face. My face is a smaller face. They're all like mutants or something. I am just a foot. What's bad?

Hey, let's burn down that building. I'm a toad with feet. I'm a toad with feet. What the heck happened here? I thought you said this planet was cold. You lied. All of the most recent information I had about Tenacious Four implied that everything was fine.

How recent? I don't know. Okay, about eight months ago. Okay, downloading the most recent updates. Looks like immediately after the Emperor disappeared, there were seven simultaneous revolutions. What about the toes with feet, though? Yeah, I know.

Okay, so it looks like a bunch of rebel factions interrupted the power generation just by knocking a bunch of radioactive isotopes into their water supply. I think that maybe explains a little bit of what's going on. I'm just the side of my face that's worse. It's just one side of a face. She's just the bad side of a face. But how would we know, you know? Like, how would we know if she's just one side?

Trust me, it's the worst side. I'm taking a bow. I'm taking them out. I'm just an opinion. Hey, hey, Bargy. Yeah? What if you and I made, like, a web series, you know? Like, you and me on the ship. Plek and Bargy.

Oh, sweet Plek. Plek, I appreciate your pitch, but that's not what I'm looking for right now. Oh, okay. But give me seven pitches. Give me some ideas. I'm interested in you. Okay. I want you.

Okay. What about a docu-series on... Wow, I fell asleep. I'm asleep now. Okay. I'm asleep. Plek, what is your story? What is Plek's story?

Oh, okay. What is it about you that makes you different, you know? Well, I was the chosen one of the space, and I brought balance to the galaxy by defeating the... I heard that pitch last week. What? I heard that pitch last week. It wasn't a pitch. It was something that happened to me.

I did it. Next. Okay. First, let's do it. We found shelter. They won't find... Oh, no. They found us.

They found us. They found us. This is so scary. It's a big old garfod. It's the biggest garfod I've ever seen. Shoot, shoot. It's really sassy. It's shaking its wings, and I'm cracking its wings.

Let's lock and load. I'm blessed. You're out of ammo? I can only lock. And honestly, I'm too scared. My butt got sort of clenched up. D honestly, I'm too scared. My butt got sort of clenched up. Dara, I'm clenched up. Oh, it's okay.

I'm clenched right now. Oh, boy. Dara, Dara, we can see the tower, but it's like, how are we going to get there? How do we get there? The tower doesn't have any power. The power's got no tower? No, no, no, the tower has no power. That's what I said.

No, it is not what you said. I'm almost positive I said the power has no tower. Well, no, no, the tower has no power. That's what I said. No, it is not what you said. I'm almost positive I said the power has no tower. Well, that's what you just said. But that's incorrect. What? That's what I said. I'm an eyeball, it's just one lash. No! Whoa, get away.

Ow, ow, ow. Ah, shit. My leg, my leg. Listen, Captain Dark, we can find some way to get that chip in there. I'm sure we can restore power long enough to broadcast the missile. Watch out, legs coming through. Legs, legs, legs, just a leg. A single leg here.

Single legs, legs, legs, legs. I'm a tiny leg. I'm a big leg. What would Papa do in this moment right now? Legs are in his body. Well, I mean, he's a flex. I believe he's embarrassing. Oh, sure.

Okay, so we got to all think like Fleck. All right, we're Flecking it up. Oh, sure. Okay, so we got to all think like Plek. All right, we're Pleking it up. Oh, okay. So, like this? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you look weird. You look weird. Wow, what are you?

It's weird that it's just a bunch of legs walking around. Well, because legs... I'm channeling legs. Do you look at your own legs in the mirror and say that? No. Why do you have such a weird, nasty thing growing on the top of your legs? Ow!

Captain, this army is shit high. You've got to be careful. Help! Hold it! Suck it! Suck it! I didn't like your tone! Should I help if this feels really Papa right now? Yeah, it's true. That might be it. Shrink it. I'll iron it like your toes. Should I help you? This feels really papa right now.

Yeah, it's true. That might be an important lesson here for me. All right, Bargy. Next question. All right. Your ex. Oh, which one, though? It doesn't say.

It's just a... Okay, but it really depends. No, it's just a quiz, though. Okay. I guess your most recent ex. Oh, Gail. Sure, Gail. Okay.

Your ex... Gail. Okay. Your ex... Gail. Okay. Has posted something nasty online and you're pretty sure it's about you. Did they do this right now? No. It's a hypothetical. I block them, but I can unblock them. Bargy, it's a hypothetical. I'm willing to open the Pandora's box again.

I'm trying to do a they teen quiz with you. Who did they follow? Wow. Really? I knew it. I'm just going to put C. Next question. Who is... Which one? Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! a... Ow! Ow! Wow. Go, Captain, go! Man, those legs are fast. You wouldn't think that things that were just legs would be fast. Just running in circles. Good strategy.

In that old turbine. Uh, dark. More insensitive observations on their culture. Okay, I just... What did you call my leg? I'm running in circles because it feels kind of, you know, something like Slackwood Dudes. Yeah, you're nailed it. Keep going. Oh, I see what's happening. D.A.R. is going to run around enough times that they just, like, wear down to little nubs.

No, no. They're inside a turbine, all right? And if the flies are pushing against the turbine, they're going to generate power. Oh, wow, the turbine's starting to move, Mr. Robot Man. Can you see? Now the power is starting to have some power. AJ. Oh, it works, buddy.

Oh, ow! You're doing great, and by great I mean cringy and awful. Darn, throw me the chip. All right, I did it. Here you go. Oh, you caught the chip. Yeah. And then if Pop were here, he'd like instantly drop it and break it, so you should probably do that.

No, I know you're going to put this in the tower. Oh, okay. Dip that chip. Dip that chip. You're going to leave it in. I mean, you know. Oh, wow. Look, it's all lightened up. The chip

has been dipped. Let's go home, everyone. We did it. I'm a fingernail with fingers. I'm just playing it confused as me. Did someone say intestines? Nobody did. Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap! Open up, Horsat.

It's just one more bite, okay? One more bite. Good. Not too bad, right? Open up, Horsat. Horsat, go! There's an intestine that's creeping towards us. Get out of here! Oh, wow. I've worked on one of those once.

They smell weird. Yeah. Real weird. Real weird. And they like to slap. Oh, my chucking rod. How'd the mission go? Well, it miraculously all worked out.

You can take a lesson for yourself. Universe of space! Wow, really going for it. Don't be surprised, it is I, Sisu Gundu. I was not dead, I was alive the whole time. And yes, my face looks amazing.

I alone can pick up the pieces of this broken galaxy and put it all back together like a beautiful vase. I say vase. It's the voice and the cadence that gets me. Plus the shoulder pads. It really works that way, I think. Now, I want to show you how tight I am. Wow, very tight.

Wow, nice job, guys. Darn. First mission as a captain, you nailed it. Hey, CG, you want to just, like, go? Can we have an aside where we, like, relax and don't talk? Yeah, let's do that. Okay. Good job out there, guys.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Looks like you nailed it. Plank, it's so hard. Really? It's so hard. Being captain, there's too much. There's too much being captain.

Captain. I mean... You would have crumpled under this pressure. Yeah. I need you down there with us. No, no. I'm retired. After you save the galaxy,

what, are you going to go back to putting chips in slots? No. But the thing is, if you're not down there being, you know, you, then I'm you. Then I'm you. I'm you. Yeah, that sounds great. See?

I become you. I become you, and I need you down there to be you so that I can be me. You know what I'm saying? Let me be me and let you do you, but you have to do it with me because me as Plek is... Yeah. No, I get that. All right. Yeah, I can come on the next mission, Captain. Whatever you want.

That's what I want. Okay. Okay. Okay. You know, you did accomplish the mission, Dar. You did what you were supposed to do. Thanks, Black. I got to level 18. Guess I'm just kind of captain my own life right now, you know?

All right, see you later. To be continued... Plek Deck Center was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn. Captain Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Ship and Sisu Gundu were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Temporary Emergency Emissary on the Go- Teen Mom, Nermin Wendeloy, was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Knoll. Special thanks to our Brooklyn Podcast Festival audience for chanting Army of Legs. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York.

New season four music composed by Brendan Ryan, and performed by famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Opening call narration by Jeremy Cratchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goiz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud

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I, Claudius is the name of the show. Every week from MaximumFun.org for only 12 weeks. Get them at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Oh, it's my tracking fob.

What is a tracking fob? You guys don't have a tracking? It's like, you know, it just beeps when you get near. No one has a tracking fob. What are you tracking? Hey, whoever you want to find, you get a tracking fob. How does that work? What do you mean, whoever you want to find?

I don't know. I don't know the technology. Wow. A lot of attitude. Where'd you get it? Sorry. We broke, Winston. Oh, boy. Sorry. Wait. sorry we broke winston oh boy sorry wait it was stupid it was dumb okay i don't know we're keeping that yeah yeah i love the technology but

Oh, uh... Hello? Hello? Hello? I didn't know if it was you. C-53 knows who's calling because he is connected to the computer. How many people call in? I mean, fair point. Probably a good guess. Will you do the

incoming thing? Just because I feel like that's it. You don't say it after you pick up. Well, what if I call back but you promise you say it before you pick up? Before I pick up and then you wouldn't know. Sure, you know what? I'll say it. Okay. Okay. Alright. Hello. There's no way you had

time. I rang once. I'm pretty sure I squeezed it in. No. No way you had time. I rang once. I'm pretty sure I squeezed it in. No, you didn't. Nermin, what's up, man? What do you mean, what's up? How did the mission... Did you guys transmit the... Why am I talking to you?

Where's the captain? I think the mission went great. I wasn't there. I think the captain might be asleep or meditating or something like that. It was pretty rough. There were a lot of, I don't know, fingers and toes and stuff down there. It was weird. Norbert, did you hear?

Dale's dead. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. I don't know. Dale? We killed the person that killed him.

Oh, no. No. Yo. Yo. Good. All right, Nermin, I'll see you later, buddy.