Mission To Zyxx - 407: Come to Your Census [ft. Ryan Karels]

Episode Date: April 1, 2020

The crew encounters a small creature who asks big questions. Horsehat nails Pleck. AJ takes a spacewalk. Dar has a type.Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut BundaloyWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as BargieWith special guest Ryan Karels as Glloyd T. BeamRecording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Edited by Jeremy BentMusic composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional musical performance by Chimes Street Brass QuintetOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric GeuszAudio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

This is SeaRid IT5 with an announcement. Due to a planetary pandemic in your system, Mission to Zix is moving to a bi-weekly release schedule for the remainder of Season 4. This will give our crew the time they need to recalibrate for fully remote recording, editing, and mixing. But do not despair. We'll be releasing some exciting bonus content intermittently

to keep your feed fresh during these unprecedentedly whack times. For the latest info, follow us on socially distanced media at Mission to Zix. Please stay safe, and may at least six feet of the space be with you. It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Orwit. Which looks like a bad dream, but, you know, bigger. Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is Mission to Zinx. Hey, Doc, I taught Horst that a new trick. Oh, Horst, that's a baby, not a pet. Yeah, but look at this. Oh, that's a full backflip. Oh, ah horse has a baby, not a pet. Yeah, but look at this. Oh, that's a full backflip. Oh, ah, okay. Also, I taught them how to do an impression of anybody in the ship. So do an impression of AJ. That's pretty good.

Pretty good. Oh, he got me. Now do a C-53. Uh-oh. That dead one. I don't know. That's pretty good. Where'd the baby get a cigar?

And he is black. That one's spot on. Wait, where's Pluck? Pluck? Where have you been? You sound sad. You've been kind of locking yourself away in your room. Yeah, you know, I have some thinking to do.

I have some, like, meditation. I know, just that you usually crave contact, and you locked yourself away in your teeny tiny baby room. You know, being in that bureau really made me realize that, you know, I do some good thinking when I'm by myself. So I think that I have some unfinished business as it pertains to the all wheat. I've made a decision. I don't think I did fulfill my destiny.

Oh, so you've been sulking. You've been sulking in your room. Well, I wouldn't say sulking. I would say. Horse happy pluck again. Okay. Oh sulking in your room. Well, I wouldn't say sulking. I would say... Horse happy, Pluck, again. Okay. Oh, that sounds about right. That's about right.

Pluck, as you know, I've had many, many hours of therapy at this point. All those hours of training to be a therapist. Yes. Wait, huh? Well, by going to therapy, if you go enough hours, you are awarded a therapist license. That can't be right. Checked out. Yeah.

Anyway, I'm here for you if awarded a therapist license. That can't be right. Checked out. Yeah. Anyway, I'm here for you if you ever need me. I'm actually probably good right now, Bargy, but I'll keep you posted. I mean, you know the saying, Plek. Strike while the iron is cold. Is that the saying? You don't want to strike while the iron is hot. Burn yourself. Yeah, why would you do that? It's insane.

If you're going to defeat an iron, strike while it's cold. And you can crack it. It's true if it's cold enough. You can just shatter the iron with one blow. So, you know, start therapy when it's okay, not when you're hot. Oh, hey, sorry, there's someone gently knocking at my hall. Oh, is that what that sound is? Wait, there's someone knocking on your door? They found my new doorbell. Someone at the door. Someone at the hall. Oh, is that what that sound is? Wait, there's someone knocking on your door?

They found my new doorbell. Someone at the door. Someone at the door. Bargy, we let a pirate onto the ship the other day. Do you have an external camera? Can we look at this person? Or do we just let them in sight unseen? What am I, young?

That's a joke. Of course I do. I recently got plastic surgery. Wait, is that Nermit? Hello? Young. That's a joke. Of course I do. I recently got plastic surgery. Yeah. Wait, is that Nermit? Hello? Oh, no. Guys, it's a lard in a little spacesuit. You don't have to say model spacesuit. It's just a weird size spacesuit.

Oh, wait, here. Let's... Yeah, come on in. There's the airlock. Oh, wait. No, no, no. Horsehat, put them down. That's not an urnit.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Sorry, it's just that Horsehat thought you were a different Lurd. I understand. Thank you for the warm welcome. I am Floyd T. Bean here from the Tramillion Census Bureau. Wait, I didn't realize it was back and running. You just go ship to ship taking the census?

Yes, it is our duty to go ship to ship to quantify every element that is in the Tramillion sector. Yeah, but of course they go ship to ship. They can wait until we land somewhere, probably. They can wait until every sentient land. They're going to send an alert out? It looks like you just have a jetpack to get from place to place? Yep, by travel light.

I don't understand. Can you go to hyperspace with that jetpack? It goes to hyperspace three. Wow. Whoa. Not a lot of maps. Any faster and your face would melt off. Lisa, you do census, so you know all the statuses of all the ships?

Yes, we compile all the data at the Bureau headquarters. I just want to know, is Hoofins Peak Jork alive? Hoofins Peak Jork? The ship we have an amazing weekend. Very, very long time ago. I've always wondered if they- Are you asking a census taker about an ex? No, I just wonder if they are currently running.

Unfortunately, it would be a breach of my duties to reveal information from another census I took. We are completely by the book here. Oh, that's like our lizard man. Yeah, by the book for sure. Yeah. We know another Lurd. Well, not all Lurds are the same. Yeah, no, I would never know. Obviously not.

I just want to kill all. I go on that way. Go ahead. I guess I'm surprised the Census Bureau is still operational. What would the Emperor having disappeared do exactly? Running the board? My superiors at the Trimelian Census Bureau. Right, and then who do they work for?

The leadership chain of the Tramillion board. Keeps running his hands over the feathers on top of his head. Let's get on with the census. I'm here to conduct a census. Afterwards, we can have a hangout if there's any more

time. That sounds awesome. All right, well, why don't you come on in? We can all take a seat. Good. Anything to drink? Just some distilled water, please. All right. Do you have any heat rocks to sit on?

We have one, but we actually gave it to, you know, the other Lurd that I was with. We gave it to him. Right. Here's the water. Thank you. Whoa. Hyperspeed 3 gets a little dry in the throat. Did I drink it?

Especially on a jet pack. Well, let's get started, shall we? Okay, yeah. Let's do this. Let's get the very question. You can put the good one. Okay. Okay.

Welcome to the Sepsisnator. Question one. I need to know the number of people living or staying at this ship as of the first of the year. Oh. Yeah. Pretty straightforward. 35. Bargy, that seems high.

I think it's really just the five of us. Me, C-53, AJ, Dar, and Horsehat. What do we count? Bargy. Is Bargy sentient? Oh, yeah. But Bargy isn't on the ship. She is a ship. Oh, Santa and Horsehat? I think including you is six.

Four or four. Listen, it's five plus Bargy. Five. Six. Who's the sixth? You said to count the ship. Yes. Okay. Six. Alright, so six. You said to count? Yes. Okay. Six. All right, so six. What about Zalbatron?

Wait, the refrigerator? No, actually, that's a good question. Do droids count as sentients? How dare you? If you're personifying regular technical machinery, it doesn't count. If they have sentient personalities, they do. Could we give you a range for that first question? doesn't count if they have sentient personalities. They do. Gene, you. Could we give you a range for that first question?

Give us eyeball park. I'm just going to fill in the number that I think is most appropriate. Okay, yeah. You know what? Yeah. Sorry, we probably made that needlessly confusing for you. Yes, you did. Okay. Straight shooter.

Well, we're off to a great start. Great. He used air quotes on that. My man. Okay, you did. Okay. Straight shooter. Well, we're off to a great start. Great. He used air quotes on that. My man. Okay, question two. I need to know whether Bargy is... That's me, Bargy. I'm in chain.

Ship of the stars. All right. I need to know whether this ship is owned or rented. What? Oh, we certainly do not own Bargy. We don't rent either. We don't rent either. I've been paying rent. You pay rent, AJ? Yeah, I pay most of my not own Bargy. We don't rent either. I haven't paid rent.

You pay rent, AJ? Yeah, I pay most of my pay to Bargy for rent. By the way, I'm past due. Yeah, you are past due. All right, here you go. I'm just going to put it on the... Put the coins in the slot. Listen, Gloyd, Bargy helps us run missions for our employers.

So, you know, you might say... I can speak for myself. Bargy lets them help run missions for their employer. Finish whatever you were saying. She's sort of like a company vehicle. I'm sort of like a company vehicle. I'm going to mark renting. I guess.

Okay, question three. I need to know the sex of each person in the household. Let's just for now keep it to the six. This is used to produce statistics used to plan and fund government programs and force laws, regulations and policies against discrimination. Sure, I'll go first. Currently, no sex, but honestly, I'd love to get myself back in the game. It's so difficult balancing work and raising a baby. You know, right now, sex is not a priority, but would love to just, like,

put Dar back out there. Dar! I think Gloria is referring more, sort of, to your anatomy. Okay, wow. That's pretty forward. You want to know about my anatomy? Yes, please. Hey, anyone notice there's sort of a vibing right now? Well, in terms of genitalia, I think you can just mark

yes. If it's onitalia, I think you can just mark yes. If it's on your list, I have it. These are just what you call prehensile flaps. It's actually a little hard to explain without showing you. Are you sure this isn't a heat rock? Why are you holding your space helmet in front of you like that? It's didn't know where to put it. All right, AJ, you're up next.

Okay, um, I do not have to tell you, but I identify as male. I think I know this one. Okay. Yep. Uh, DeLorean male. Okay. And by Carrie and Jake, shiver the stairs. Shiver the stairs. Shiver the stairs.

She does have stairs. I also have a baby. Oh, uh, baby ho-ha. Not interested and non-binary. See, you know, the dark's really kind of getting up near that new gloy. Yeah, I see. She's got tight foot. Dude, should I turn on mood music?

I'm going to turn on some mood music. Hey, pop, what do you think? Yeah, yeah, no, I see what's happening. We are sitting in a very tight circle right now, and I can hear everything you're saying. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. All the blood is in. All right, Barj.

Yeah. Barj, your mood music is you singing? Yeah. Oh, okay. Is it not what people use? This isn't a census question, just for my own clarification. This is a diplomatic ship on a diplomatic mission. Yeah, you got it, bro.

Also, it serves as my development by G at Bino LLC. I kept the name. Rest in peace in a flaming ball of fire. Resting in peace, not really so much as screaming. Yeah, screaming all the time. But to answer your question, we're, like, great at diplomacy and, like, yeah, great conversationalists. I would just ask that you not review

any of our past missions to verify anything that we've said. Usually when someone asks me this many questions, it's only right that we ask you a couple. Alright, fine. Single? Are you single? Yes, currently.

Wait, how'd you get into the census business? Well, I come from a long line of census takers, so it's kind of in my blood. I was raised for public service, you might say. And would you say that you're 22 inches tall? Well, you flatter me. That's tall for a lard. Yeah, very tall for a lard. Yeah, very tall for a lard.

Technically, I'm 21 and 7 ace. Wow. Pretty close. I mean, let's round up. Let's just... Why are we rounding up? Just play it cool. Okay, moving on. Next, I need to know the age of each person in this ship.

Five? Yeah, AJ's five. I'm five. He's a clone, so he was birthed out of a tube of blue liquid five years ago. Okay, I was going to say, he doesn't present as a five-year-old. No. Well, you'd be surprised. He loves mac and cheese. Oh, I'm hungry.

Yeah. I'm actually hungry right now. I'm hungry right now. He doesn't have a whole lot of control over his emotions. He's very... I'm hungry right now. Yeah. If he doesn't get his control over his emotions. He's very... I'm hungry right now. Yeah. If he doesn't get his nap, oh boy, watch out.

Wait. I didn't get a nap. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the... Gloyde showed up, so... But this is fun, right? Gloyde showed up.

We're having so much fun. I'm loving it. Yes, we are. I'm 25. Okay. All right. How old are you, C-53? When was your cube manufactured?

We don't really consider age in the same way that most Telerians do. Certainly you have a manufacture date. That's the absolute end. It's not fine with me. I guess I would need to go back. Okay, all right. Didn't know it was such a deep secret. No, a ship never reveals their age.

Also, I come, there are many different parts of me that have many different histories, so I'd say the youngest part of me is about five months old. I got a doorbell. You've had that for five months? Yeah. I've never heard it used before. Not a lot of people come straight up to the ship, though. Yeah, mostly just pirates and escape pods.

Yes, that's true. Well, I'm old-fashioned. Well, I'm 72, and Corset is six and a half months. All right, a half months. All right. A young parent. Captain Dora. Incoming transmission. Temporary emergency.

Serial negotiations. Missions operations manager. Nermin Bundalore. Who? Oh, right. Sorry. Yes. Remember?

Hey, Nermin. Hey, guys. How are you? Hey, good. Check it out. Three issues to us. Hello. Hello, Gloyd.

You guys know each other? Nermit, I didn't expect to find you beaming into this mission. Well, this, Gloyd, is the ship I command, sort of. Oh, lucky for the ship. How lucky it is that you grace them. You could say that they're throwing air quotes at each other with their eyes. Oh, their feathers are, like, sticking up. This is going super well.

I'm sorry to interrupt, Gloyd, but I'm actually calling in to assign a mission to the crew I manage. Well, we're actually a little busy right now. We're still in the middle of a census. So maybe the mission could just wait. Yeah, it could just call us back in, like, I don't know, like 40 minutes, 45 minutes. I don't know how long this is. Hey, Nervin.

Yeah. How tall are you, bro? Like, um, rounding up, like 20 inches. No, you're 19 inches flat. You can round up to 20 inches. 19 inches. Why? No reason.

Yes. My man, Lloyd, is 22 as well. I've, uh, oh, this is crazy, though. I was lifting today. You were lifting what is crazy, though. I was lifting today. You were lifting what? I was weights. I was lifting weights today. Just crazy.

Coincidentally. Were your shoulders at back? I was doing upper, mids, downtown. Downtown. Well, Nermit, we should probably get back to this census. I mean, it's going to be a super cool mission, but I've got a lot of social events scheduled. Oh, cool.

Yeah. That's great. What is it? What's the social event? Social events? Yeah. Ah, jeez. Wow, so many to list.

Gloyde, you got a lot of them scheduled? No, I'm working. I'm doing my duty. Oh, bummer. Why is Dar sitting so close to Gloyde? He sort of just came in and sat down. And we just circled him? I know.

Guys, thanks for calling me. What do you call that? Who knows? A lot of calls. I have to call my guy. Yeah, Nermid. Got my legs up. Okay.

Okay, bye, guys. Gloyd, I didn't know you knew Nermid. Are you also from Phlegm? I did grow up on Phlegm, yes. And we actually went to high school together. Oh! Wow, what was it like in high school? Were you two friends?

I would say we were locker buddies. We had lockers next to each other. That actually sounds pretty pleasant, but you said it with a real bite. Well, I don't want to denigrate crew members that you have by telling old stories of when Nermit was still finding himself. Arguably still on the lookout. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. He's still working on it.

You had more questions? Yes. Okay. Next question. How many hours do you sleep? Technically zero. If you want to talk about a low power state, I would say about four hours a day.

For me, it's three standing up. I don't know if you need to... That makes no difference to the number. I'm always alert. I'm getting a fax. It appears to be an image of Nerf, Nerfin holding a weight. Oh, it's just a picture of Nermit holding on to a weight.

It's Photoshopped. Really? You can tell from that far away? Yes, we have very good eyesight. I mean, he's very current. You have a very good eye. And might I add, beautiful eyes? You flatter me.

Ah, look. Ah, look. All right, Bargy. It's not necessary. She's not necessary. Yeah, I think we should. I don't know. Where would you go?

To answer your question, Gloyd, I sleep about, well, I would say I'm in bed for about eight hours. Yeah, but Papa, also recently you've been sleeping for like 10, 11 hours and kind of coming out and be like, what's the point? Fine, AJ, but on average, on average, I would say eight. In the past couple, I would say like the past five or six months that you've been sort of like sleeping a lot longer than normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you might say that. Okay. And Dar, how much do you sleep a night?

Oh, you know, on average, six and a half. And are you currently sleeping alone? That doesn't seem, that can't be right. There's no way that's a question. Currently, yes. Okay. I feel like I'm on a heat rock. Anyone else's engine burning up?

I guess I'm just confused. You know, without the emperor, who's doing your paychecks? It's a payroll service. It's Tramillion Pay Services. Okay, all right. So the checks are still going through? I'm still getting paid, so. But who's paying the payroll service?

Where's the money coming from? Look, I don't ask questions. I mean, you do ask questions. You have to sort them for a living. Yeah. You do a great job of asking questions. Well, thank you. You're a very good sensee. Yeah, I'm not, you do a great job of asking questions. Well, thank you. You're a very good

sensee. Yeah, I'm not sure that that even really adds up. We've been pretty annoying. Speak for yourself. Most of my answers have been lies. When did you actually get that doorbell? About 65 years ago. 65 years? Hey, you don't have to say it so loud. Okay, sorry. Yeah, maybe you should all

go check out that 65-year-old doorbell. Outside the ship? Yes. No, we're not going to go outside the ship. I mean, I was anchoring to press it, so... Oh, just me? Listen, if you want us to leave you alone, Dar, we will, but... Thank you.

Let's check out this doorbell! Woo! They are quite the crew. They really are, but let's not talk about them. Let's talk about you. Okay. So, how long are you in town? Well, I haven't gotten any orders from the Census Bureau headquarters in a while, so I'm just kind of going about my observation zone.

I'm sorry, that wasn't funny. I'm nervous. I should say, if it wasn't already clear, I am a parent. So, um, put a no out there. Stop. Put a dot out there. Stop. Yep. Do you need a wing chip?

I'm really, I could use a little mood music. Okay, all right. Ooh, ah, ooh, ah, kiss. Ooh, ah, ooh, ah, kiss. Ooh, ah. Okay, you know what? No mood music necessary. I'm always here. You know what? No mood music necessary. I'm always here.

I'm just going to light some candles. Yeah. Okay. If you want my opinion, I thought the mood was perfect when it was just us. Wow. Uh. Someone at the door. Someone at the door.

Ignore that. That's AJ. Someone at the door. Someone at the door. It's really depressing. You don't have to open it. Alright, AJ, you better come in. AJ, we're going to leave that thing ready.

Yeah, I don't think you gotta... Whoa! You gonna do that? Yeah. Honestly, I don't... It's just a button on the side of the hall. It's a doorbell. It's a doorbell.

Right, but like... AJ, I'm worried about you in space with just your armor on. It doesn't seem like it's like... Oh, that's okay. My skin's about twice as thick as a normal Tullurian's just to like be careful if I'm in the vacuum of space. You've got a lot of mods on you guys. You've got a lot of modifications. I don't know.

Got the pinky I can eat because I need protein. You got the edible pinky. You got the no genitals. Well, I don't know. Is that pinky I can eat because I need protein. You got the no genitals. Well, I don't know. Is that a mod? Many would say no. Oh, yeah. My neck can swivel all the way around like a...

Whoa. No. The way you just snapped back when you got the full 360. This is just how I am. I don't understand why that's gross. Whoa, that's not me. What the... Hey, there's someone at the door, right?

All right. Sorry. Yeah, Margie, you have to open the door. I didn't know who it was. Okay, fine. Opening up the hatch. I don't know. I don't know.

I wish. Sup, guys. Normal visit. Peace. What? Oh, cool. Is you gotta go over there. Well, actually, uh, uh... Well, actually...

Oh! Hello! Oh. Normit? Um, yep, just a normal ship check. I thought you had all kinds of social engagements tonight, Normit. It turned out that, like, the people who invited me were not as cool as me. And I've got some cred to maintain, so I just said, like, so busy.

And I had this normal, already scheduled ship check. I feel like we discussed the next time you were going to visit, horse hat was... I'm just, like, so crazy devoted, though, that I was like, why not come earlier, you know? Okay. Oh, you're one of the parental figures of horse hat? I'm a co-parent of Horsehat. Yeah, Dar and I are co-parents, so. So you and Dar?

Are not together. It's kind of a one-leared ship, so cool to see you, Gloyd. Well, it's cool to be here, Nermit. Cool. Way cool. Whoa, it's getting heatin heating up. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like we gotta step in. Something, there's clearly some sort of history here with Nermid

and Gloyd. They were locker buddies. Yeah, but he said locker buddies. Yeah, I don't think that's all there is to it. Well, you guys know what locker buddies mean, right? So why was locker buddies with Clint back at the conditioning center and that meant that you had kind of like a blood feud. You know, you're bent on the other's destruction.

And you got in the bottom locker. It's awful. Should we intervene? Let's let it go just a little bit. You know, Gloyde, why don't we just get back to the census? Let's just, now that Nermit's here. Fine. Let's just resume with the questionnaire.

Nermit, since you're here. Yes, Let's just resume with the questionnaire. Nermit, since you're here. Yes, Gloyd. I will ask, how long have you been living a celibate lifestyle? Um, can I see that note card? Uh, no, this is property of the Tramillion Census Bureau. Oh, an interesting choice of note

card size. Were the larger ones sold out? Four by six, I find, is unwieldy. I like a three by five. Yeah, they're heavy, right? If you're not lifting? Yeah, well, the three by five comes in a heavier cardstock. The four by six is usually a lighter weight paper, and I like the firmness, the crispness of this. Interesting. The same height stack and fewer plies. I suppose you could do that. Yeah. Well, Mr. Know-It-All, pop quiz time. All right.

As a longtime employee of the Tramillion Census Bureau, you probably know this without checking any notes. What's the most populated planet in the Zix Quadrant? Oh, Nermin, I don't think that Gloyd has to answer any of your questions. I mean, it's just a friendly question from a friend. Well, if we're just answering friendly questions, what's the harm? Sure. Because you don't know?

I absolutely know. You don't know that Boonstra is the most densely populated planet? Goddammit. Fine. Of course. So that was easy. All right. Boonstra, I'm just a sentient microbe.

Papa, is this supposed to be cool or what? Yeah, I don't know. All right. If you were an employee of the municipal government on Boonstra and you were putting in for paid time off, but not a normal vacation day or a personal day or bereavement leave, but rather a work from home half day, what form would you use? I would use a 429C3. You shocked me. Who's winning? They both seem like they're losing. I mean, in many ways. That's correct. That's correct. Yes.

All right. The next question is on a Likert scale. Are you familiar with Likert scales? Yes. That's a one to five questionnaire. One being strongly agree. Two being agree. Three being neutral. Four disagree.

Five strongly disagree. It's fine. I mean, if you're not comfortable with a seven scale. Well, we find that that's superfluous. On a Likert scale from one to five, 1 being strongly agree, 5 being strongly disagree, how would you evaluate the following statements? I am lonely. 5.

I never got over Sharice. Alright, alright. Now it's time, now it's time. Nermit, Nermit! Wait, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no time. Now it's time. Nermit, Nermit. Wait, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Whoa, Nermit. Wow. Nermit. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Scratch your head off. Whoa.

Nermit. Sharice, you always love me. Okay. Wow. That's not what I heard. Told you. Locker buddies. Hey, Lloyd, you want to just cool it first?

That seems like we got pretty heated in here. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I'm on a heat rock right now. Never mind. I don't know how effective, like, your feet are at hurting someone, but... For the record, I'll say that they're not effective at all. Okay. What do you know? Don't stop. Hold me back.

Talent-based combat is the traditional Laird method of asserting dominance. I don't mean to ask a census questioner a question, but who wants to answer the question? Who is Charisse? Yeah, who is Charisse? Oh, Charisse. Go for it, Glide. Well, truth be told, Charisse and I dated for a while until Nermit appropriated one of the gifts I had for her and wrote his name on it. Oh, Nermit.

Wow. Nermit, that's cold. That's a low down move, Nermit. Well, Gloyd read my journal and saw what I was going to buy Cherise, bought the last one, and so it was only fair. The early lurd gets the worm. Oh, Gloyd, that was also an underhanded move. Yeah, wow. I like to call it cunning.

Did you take the journal from his locker? Our locker. That's a betrayal of a locker. Oh, wow. But also, also, Nermit, you were going to buy Gloyd's girlfriend a gift? Well, I hoped that at the moment upon receiving it, Charisse would be my girlfriend. That's not how girlfriends work.

Yeah, I don't think you two are very good lockers. Also, what did you get her? It's kind of a locker caddy where you put it into your... What kind of locker-based relationships do you guys have? No, this is really cool. It was amazing. Because it hangs and it has different pockets for all of your pens. Yeah, I get that.

And then a separate thing for your journal. My question was... No, listen to Gloyde describe it. And it has a little spot for a mirror. Absolutely. As well as a little caddy for lip balms. Yes. A lot of people, you mistake your pens and your highlighters, but this has clearly marked

slots. You know what I mean? Was Cherise into lockers the same way you guys were? She would have been when she got it. She never received the gift? We tore it up in a scrum. We argued about it, yes. The locker caddy was a casualty. Yes, it was taloned to shreds.

What happened to Cherise? Cherise is president of Philanthropy. Wow, really? Wow. Really? Wow. Well, good for her. But it didn't work out for either of you.

Well, I like to think that my vote helped her. You voted for her for president. Oh, as did I. Good, great. to think that my vote helped her. You voted for her for president. Oh, as did I. Good, great. That's healthy. That's good. But neither of you is dating Charisse. Oh, Rosh, no. No. Listen, Herman, this Charisse situation

was a while ago, right? Surely this is water under the bridge at this point. Hot, boiling water. Magma. That's not water at all. Wow, okay. They're basically making really strong eye contact right now.

Oh, no. No, it's not that far, dude. Both of you? Nermin! Don't tie my feet together. Chucking rules. Nermin! Stop it! Nermin! Nermin! Ah! Oh, do not! Oh! Ah, don't tie my feet together! The jockeying rules. Nermin. Look at this.

Nermin. Nermin. Let my feet go. No, you have to calm down. I'm gonna cut his eyes out and tape them to his butt. What would that... I don't know! What would that accomplish?

I don't know! I'm going nuts! This is an official census taker. It's officially lame. Man, Nermin, every time you're on the ship, you go crazy, man. Nermin, I hate you. I'm going to turn you upside down. No, I don't.

Thank you, and I apologize for having to witness me carry on in such a display. It was not my intention to get overheated and conduct myself in such a fantastically brave manner. I thought you were going to maybe scratch me to death with those towels. I mean, I would have if it came to that. Only as a matter of

self-defense. Can I get a look at these bad boys? Check it out. Yeah, I just had a pedicure yesterday. Don't encourage me. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, I've just never seen combat up close before. That's very exciting.

Yeah, no, we're scrappy, but effective. But it's sort of like they kind of just were flopping against each other. It wasn't, like, cool. No, no. A lot of people think it's pretty hot. I would agree. A lot of people think it's pretty hot. I would agree. A lot of people do. All right.

All right. Nermin. Charisse, what are you doing on Friday? Nermin. Charisse, you want to go roller skating? Well, maybe while he's out, we could just continue with the census so that, you know, this portion where all of us are involved could wrap up and then we could jump into the observation, you know, the one-on-one observation.

Is it one-on-one? Is that part of it? Yeah. Did you say one-on-one observation? Yes, there's a period of one-on-one observation. That will, you know, exist in my room for I don't know, what, seven to twelve hours? Glad to tell you that.

Questions. For you folks, no. Really? Great, so this portion is over. I have about like several unregistered firearms. I have a question for Dawn. Oh, sure. Dawn, would you say sometimes when you were previously in a relationship with someone and that ends,

Previously in a relationship with someone and that ends. Afterwards, you end up being more attractive to those who were very similar in physical appearance to your ex, perhaps. And perhaps you are interested in them not because of them, but because it reminded you of a relationship you once had. Bucky, what are you getting at? That was spoken like an actual certified therapist. Thank you, and it's actually a question on the census. Oh, really? Bargy, I hear your question, but I think I have to ask a question first.

Are you looking for a relationship, Gloyd? No, not at all. I'm married to my work. Ugh. And I couldn't want a relationship less, so if we're done with this portion of the group... I mean, and honestly, Gloyd, it's nothing personal, but I still can't even imagine that these answers are going anywhere. There's no authority

that you're reporting to. Gloyd, do you worry that all this work is for naught? Well, I think the work is in the doing of it. If it's not getting aggregated by any one central authority, then why should I care? Uh...

All right, if you're done holding me up... Okay, all right. Thank you, follow me. you know Nermit I gotta say I understand that it's sort of a complicated reason you're here

but it's nice to have you around the ship for a little while thanks yeah despite my turmoil and inner rage it's good to see you guys. Yeah. This is definitely the happiest I've seen a horse have in weeks. Yeah, actually, so watch this.

I taught Horsehead a trick. Okay, I'm going to do the hand signal, okay? Ha, yeah. Yeah. Oh. The sparring partner. I'm going to make a lurd out of you. Yeah, Horsehead.

That's my sentient. And then I also, this one, this one's crazy too. Oh, wow. Look at, collating all that paper. Wow. Look at all that. All that. It's been 12 hours.

It's been 12 hours. It's been 12 hours. Thanks, Margie. It's been 12 hours. Thank you. Is that a 12 hour alarm? Yeah. Is that the doorbell? No, no, no. That was a. Thank you. Is that a 12-hour alarm? Is that the doorbell?

No, no, that was... I obviously was really excited that Gloyd wanted to stay, but any longer than 12 hours, then we run the risk of getting too attached. So, hey, Gloyd? Yes? Do you think you have all the information that you came to get.

Well, I would say that this census questionnaire is satisfied. So you got all the answers that you needed? Yeah, I would say it was a real interrogation. Oh, wow, so you really asked questions. Yeah. A lot of probing questions.

Oh, for real? Probing questions. Yeah, like what of probing questions. Oh, for real? Probing questions. Yeah, like what kind of questions did you ask, Star? Okay, well, on a Likert scale from one to five, do you like this? What's a Likert scale? Strongly agree. Lloyd, would you say on a Likert scale, one being strongly agree, five being strongly disagree,

you had a good time? One. What? No, we're asking if we had a good time. Oh, okay. Did you have a good time? Yeah, I guess, what, like a four? That's not great.

Is it bad? All right, I'm just going to see Gloyd out. Crew, Chip, thank you for your cooperation. Anytime, Gloyd. On behalf of the Tramillion Census Bureau. Gloyd, I hope you get someone to report to soon. Thank you. Cool, I'm going to get back to corvus okay even though dark will

totally reject you and is having like incredible time with a taller lurd like you're our friend you're always gonna be part of the crew you know let's have a close glory like take over Thank you. This is SeaWorld IT5, credits and attributions joined, commencing outro protocol. Plek Dexlitter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Margie the Ship was played by Bujan Zolfagari. Teen Mom, Nermit Bundelite was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Ali Kokesh. Margie the Ship was played by Bujan Zolfagari. Teen Mom Nurmit Bundelite was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by

Winston Knoll. Census Taker Goy TB was played by special guest Ryan Carles. Ryan writes and does voices on the Bleacher Report's animated show, The Champions. He has performed at the UCB for over 15 years and is the representative comedian for North Dakota, according to a listicle in the Huffington

Post. You probably know him best on television, playing such memorable characters as Ryan, Man, Man in Crowd, Dad, Derek McKillicuddy, and Guy with Mullet. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. With additional performance by the Chime Street Brass Quintet. Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York. Opening collaboration by Jeremy Crutchley. Shift design for the Rogerian J by Eric Boyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Hi, I'm Dave Hill from before. And I'm very excited to bring Dave Hill's podcasting incident back to Maximum Fun, where it belongs. You can get brand new episodes every Friday on MaximumFun.org. Or, you know, wherever. And while my partner Chris Gersbeck and I might lack in specific subject matter on our podcast, we make up for in special effects. Chris, add something cool right here. Also, we have explosions, animal noises,

and sometimes even this. Dave Hill's podcasting incident every Friday on Maximum Fun. Chris, do another explosion right here. I listen to reading classes because Bria and Mallory have great tips. My suggestion for book festivals is just go for one day. I listen for the author interviews. I was a huge Goosebumps fan.

R.L. Stine was totally my jam. I don't even read. I just like their chemistry together. Literally, if on the back it said, like, this book made me shit my pants, I'd be like, that's, I'm buying this book. Like, I think the problem with blurbs a lot of times. I like that we both want to crap ourselves over books. I'm Brea Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Meara.

We're Reading Glasses, and we solve all your bookish problems. Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. MaximumFun.orgorg comedy and culture artist owned audience supported there's someone at the door oh do we have oh the doorbell just check the camera i got it oh uh no nermid i wouldn't open that door if i were you yeah no they're not i don't think so what are they i mean not to put a fine point on it are they they dry humping in spacesuits against the doorbell? Yeah, that's pretty much what's happening. Got it.

Okay. Wow. In space, no one can hear you dry hump. Definitely not kid friendly. You can definitely hear the doorbell. Yeah, unless there's a doorbell. Oh, right. Yeah.

They're having maximum fun. Wow. That is the blackout. A boom. Topical. Uh-huh, an audio boom. Fundraising. That's an audio boom.

That's an audio boom. And then we have the... Talk about an earwolf. We have the rocket ship and then two people... She's giving him head gum. This will forever dog day. Dog day style. Thank you.