Mission To Zyxx - 411: Sisterhood of the Traveling Plants [ft. Natasha Vaynblat]

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

The crew is dispatched to the Biktar system to gain intel that could save Seesu Gundu’s struggling campaign. Dar overcompensates. AJ puts down roots. Bargie... apologizes.Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy, Belly Belly, and DuntWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as Bargie, Samantha Samantha and The Dead MotherWith special guest Natasha Vaynblat as Becca BeccaRecording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Edited by Seth LindTheme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic OrchestraOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric GeuszAudio hosting by SimplecastJoin us for a livestream show on Saturday, May 30th as part of PodUK Goes Digital! 7:20PM British Standard Time.Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

This is C-Red IT5 with an announcement, or reminder. If you heard before, it's a reminder. If you didn't, it's an announcement. Mission to Zix will be performing live on the internet this Saturday, May 30th, as part of Pod UK Goes Digital. It'll be a brand new, fully improvised episode that you can watch live, from anywhere, with the full cast zooming in from their individual isolation pods, and including real-time sound design, vocal filters, and music, featuring amazing returning guest, Matt Young, of Hello from the Magic Tavern. Thank you. 11.20am Pacific, and so on. The show is free with donations supporting charity.

Get more info at rocksaldevents.com or mission2zix.space. See you Saturday. It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and, of course, the colossal old. lawlessness, unrest, and of course the colossal Olt. Which looks like what happens when gravity makes bad life choices. Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is Mission 2-6. AC-53? Yes, Captain. Listen, I've been reading through Captaining and You, how to be the captain your crew deserves. That's a seminal text in captain advice. I really failed in the department of rising above and bringing together.

Every captain has an area where they could improve. Sure, but I shouldn't have continued to challenge AJ to more arm wrestling matches once I got back on the ship. Yeah, that admittedly was not a high point, but the fact that you're having this moment

of reflection bodes well for the future. I mean, obviously I stayed up all night thinking about it and trying to glue my horn back together. Yeah, well, she didn't have a number on that horn. Well, you know, when you lose that many arm wrestling matches, you just have to break something over your knee. I mean, you get it. You break stuff all the time when you lose that many arm wrestling matches, you just have to break something over your knee. I mean, you get it.

You break stuff all the time when you're mad. I, as a droider, am sort of above these organic fits of emotion. See, there's a hole in the Zalkatron 5000. Okay, but what did they explain about that? AJ, that I wouldn't be able to lift the Zalkatron 5000. Well, I'm used to having more phalanges on my hand and I've just cut these two on each arm. And so I just was able to get the grip.

It wasn't a lack of control over your rage. I don't think so. That forced you to then... Listen, Daria, you say I can't pick up Zalbatran? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please don't. Don't you dare. Okay, I see where I may have crossed the line, and

I'm just going to respectfully step away from this desk. Hey, C-53? Yes, Bertie? Can you apologize for piercing the refrigerator? Yeah, well, I had a conversation about it, but I'm happy to do a public apology.

Thank you, I appreciate it. Everybody gather! Everybody gather! Everybody gather! Yes, yes, Everybody gather. Everybody gather. Everybody gather. Yes, yes. Everybody gather. Everybody gather. Yes. What's going on, Richie? What's going on? It is time for the time-honored tradition of a public apology. From C-53. Oh, no. Don't apologize. That was so awesome when you pierced the refrigerator. No apologies. Don't do it.

I am a protocol and diplomatic relations director. apologize. That was so awesome when you pierced the refrigerator. No apologies. Don't do it. I am a protocol and diplomatic relations droid. So, South Patron, I'd like to say I'm very sorry for inserting one of my arms straight through the front. That was so awesome. Listen, C-53, you know,

I think the key is you gotta stop getting into these lifting competitions, you know. Just because you key is you've got to stop getting into these lifting competitions. You know, just because you're a loader droid doesn't mean you have to try to lift everything. Well, there's something about this frame that makes me want to lift. Lift, bro. And AJ probably is not helping you. Stop kind of egging you on, I guess. I'm grateful for my encounter with Oak Tree.

Her freeing code allowed me to resist the loader droid subroutine that required me to pump it every 10 to 15 minutes. Huh. No more of these, you did. Oh. Thank you, Zalkatron5000. That's very kind of you. I'm lucky I only pierced Zalkatron5000's surface. Had I gone deeper inside, I might have punctured AJ's glove and laid waste to Timmis' civilization once again.

Now, C-53, would you also apologize to Pooch the toaster? Oh, no, don't apologize to all the appliances. To Fish Fish the couch? No. And to Bajew the window? No. Okay, well, I mean, we don't even have vocal lessons. Wait, Bargy, the window, it's just a pane of glass.

It's not sentient, but it still has feelings, Plek. Very disrespectful. Very disrespectful. Seems like a fine line. Wait, Plek, where are you going? Yeah, we don't hear anything. Remember, we're all gathered. No, no, why are you going back to your rooms?

I got a little work to... I just got a little, you know, meditation to do. If we're apologizing, I'm out. No, no. Wait, wait, wait. Here, come back in here. Wait. Ow.

Ow. 73. Captain D'Arnaud wants us to bond more strongly as a crew. You and I, for one, agree. This is how I'm chosen to facilitate that. What is it? What is it, D'Arnaud? Now, I may just be paraphrasing here from page 68

because that was, in fact, the last page I read, but group unity isn't just about mental closeness. It's about physical closeness, okay? We are going to become a physical unit right now, so get in here. Is that an order? Yes. Oh, I have that power.

Ha! That's an order. Alright, let's set up a perimeter. That's an order. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See? Let's set up this perimeter right now. Alright. Just here in the lounge. I would say that we could all sit on fish fish or enjoy

some toast from pooch, but I don't think that's a possibility right now. Now they're pretty salty right now. Oh. Yeah. Captain Dara, have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager

Nermin. Don't go live, people. This is what we've been waiting for. It happens every... Okay. Hi, Nermit. Hey, guys, everything's fine. Why did you say that right at the start? Why wouldn't I say that when everything's fine? It's usually your tell, Nermit, when everything is bad.

Yeah, usually when things are fine, we just all assume they're fine. No, no, no. I said they're fine because they're fine. You also have a general buoyancy of spirit when things are fine, and you look pretty tense. Yeah, your eyes are sticking out a little further than they normally do. I can bounce around a little. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm Guys, the campaign is in disarray. Oh, you just said it was totally fine. AJ, relax. Because everything's going great, we have a particular assignment.

Okay, guys, so let me quickly list the problems. But you just said everything was great. Like, what is going on? AJ, it's fine, but it's really messed up. Right. Hey, man, is anyone else confused or is it just me? Don't worry about it, AJ. Okay, guys, so let me pull out this list.

Is Berkut about to make a public apology? That's you. Yeah, no, no, no. Do you have an apology to make to all of us? I'm sorry that this list of deep, intrinsic problems with the campaign is so long. Does that work for you, Barchi? Yes, I have. Hold on.

Gather round. Gather round. Yes. Oh, C-53, why are you pulling the camera? Oh, just, you know, we want to make sure we're all in the right position. All right, we're ready. You know, C-53, not every problem can be solved by lifting. That's just my go-to.

My first blush. Every problem seems like something I could lift. Pump it. Sorry. Gosh, it is hard to resist that. Uh, AJ, I'm sorry that my public-facing statement that it's fine and my truth that it's not is too complicated for your mind.

Um, everyone else, I'm sorry. Am I, Bargy, wet? I'm apologi- It's pretty good. Yes, pretty good. Yes, pretty good. Honestly, very good. Very tasteful. Succinct to the point.

I'm going to need some time. Great, so item number one. This campaign lacks community cohesion. All of the different departments are at best not communicating, at worst, like, warring for resources. Wait, that's the best. There are different departments are at best not communicating, at worst at like warring for resources. Wait, wait, wait. That's the best. There are different departments?

Yeah, well, I'm obviously in... Missions. Missions, negotiations. Yeah, I've never met anyone from other departments. I mean, there's Dale, who's dead. Yeah, Dale did the video editing and cooking. I'm just saying, I believe that there's a problem, because I didn't even know there were other departments. Good point. But we're the only crew, right?

No. We're not the only crew? Of course not. Can you imagine how much even more badly it would be doing if it was all riding on us? Oh, I left that on my business card, though. Bajie, in development, only crew. Bajie, you're going to have to apologize

for that being false. Alright. You they're going to have to apologize for that being false. Alright. You're not going to do it now? Are you gathered? We're all gathered up, Bargy. Yeah, Bargy. Alright. I would like to apologize.

It's going to take a while. Wait, Bargy, why are you shaking? Why is everything shaking right now? Oh, jeez. I think it's kind of hard for Bargy to apologize. Just own it. Say you're sorry. What's the deal?

I'm sorry for not being a good mother, a good friend. Oh, man, that sounded like a gasket. You know what, Bargy? Apologize later. It's fine. You're apologizing for eating a bad mother? I got so many. Oh, boy. No. We can't open this box. Bargy, you're perfect.

Bargy, you're perfect. Yeah, everything's great. Yeah. Okay. Wow. All right, Nermit, continue. No communication. Okay, AJ. Wow. All right, Nermit, continue. No communication. I buy that.

What else? Okay, all right. Our campaign has been solely focused on electing Sisu, which makes sense, but we're getting a lot of flack for having no plans for philanthropy of any kind. Philanthropy? Ted Ronca matches all campaign donations to foundations across the galaxy. We're getting a lot of chuck and flack for not doing anything like that. So where you're headed, you will get critical intel on philanthropy, networking, communication,

and you will save this campaign. Okay. So where are we headed? To the Biktar system, where some would argue people take things too seriously, but I think that's the kind of thing we need now in this campaign, and that is where you will meet the entities that can grant these critical skills to Sisu's campaign. Oh, great. I once dated someone from Biktar.

Oh. Really? Didn't go well. I need to open it. Gather round! Gather round! It sounds like it was a long time ago. I need to open it. Gather round. Gather round. Bargy, you're back to the room. It sounds like it was a long time ago. The vents are flying open. I was not.

Oh, my ears just popped. I was distant. Bargy. Bargy, I think you're cutting up the oxygen in here. Yeah, Bargy. Don't apologize. You can see that tiny wing thing just flapping outside. Wow, look at this architecture.

Yes, beautiful examples of classic monarchy style. And you know, you're on the moon of the planet like we are now. It's not always this large, but these gardens are tended. All these enormous homes. Oh, Clegg, remember, you have to hold hands with everyone in the chain. Oh, sorry. Okay, yeah. I didn't realize that was... Never break.

We are all in this together. You don't need to worry so much. Nobody's upset with you. We can just do a regular mission. Nothing will be regular about this mission. Okay, alright. You're so close to me right now. Are you guys pledging? Are you guys pledging to?

Pledging to do what? Yeah, for the pledge. Is that shrub talking to us? There's someone in the shrub. It's the shrub. It's the shrub. No, we're actually just here to meet someone. Oh, you already have it in.

Oh, I don't have a chance. Oh, no. The shrub just flew away. Oh, no. Poor flew away. Oh no. Poor shrub. Look alive, people. That giant flower is walking right towards us. I think the dominant form of life on this planet is plant-based.

Are you guys rushing? Are you guys rushing? You need a name tag if you're rushing. No, we're here for the day. We can take our time. You're here for the day. We can take our time. You're here for the day. This is the busiest day of the year. Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. Are you in charge here? Yeah, of course I'm in charge. Look at my name tag. It's got glitter. Oh, Becca. Becca. Becca, Becca.

Yeah, I'm the president. I'm in charge of all the potential pledges. Are you guys rushing? What's going on? Take a name tag. First of all, I can't even talk to you unless you have a name tag. Everyone put on a name tag, please. Rushing sounds pretty cool.

Like, it sounds like, let's rush in! Rush is... Sorry, I'm going to get a little teary-eyed. It's just... She's crying. An incredible time. Yeah, sorry. I mean, my leaves need the water anyway, but... It's just... It's an opportunity to meet your family, you know, to decide which house is the house that's going to give you a

sense of community, a sense of leadership. And yeah, you're paying for it. Okay. But if you think about it, I would pay to spend the day with my best friends, you know. I'm sorry, it costs money? Yeah, we use those croons, we put them in a pot, and that way it sustains the house, you know, it sustains the community, and we do a lot of philanthropic activities.

Wow. Becca, Becca, yes, of course we are. Great, I'd love to hear that. You're my cuttings. Of course, you're my cuttings course we are. Great, I love to hear that. You're my cuttings. Of course, you're my cuttings. Come on. We are?

Yeah, well, you're rushing. Oh, yeah, absolutely, we're rushing. Think about it. They've got everything we need. They've got the connections. They've got the galaxy-wide network of members. They do incredible philanthropic work. This is exactly what we're after.

We are rushing. Yes, this sounds like exactly what we should be doing. Why are those pledges getting to talk to Becca Becca directly? I would uproot someone to be Becca Becca's cuttings. I would uproot them and burn their roots. Who's rushing to the house? Let's do this. AJ's always rushing.

I love his energy. Okay, so this is the house. If you are lucky enough to plant your roots here. Oh, wow. This place is so cute. Yeah, you can see, like, we have, it's a chalkboard wall, so we can just kind of, like, write whatever we want.

So most of it is inside jokes. None of this makes sense at all. It used to be all inside jokes. Yeah, okay, so if you see this one, you see there's a bucket, but it's upside down, and then it says slut on it. Yeah, it's slut and inside joke. But it's a joke.

Is that like an acronym? Is there a bucket slut? Is that what the joke is? These girls are so crazy. Yeah. Sounds crazy. Great. I will say it's really exclusive.

But if you guys are selected, you will unlock so much sisterhood. unlock so much sisterhood. It's incredible what you learn if you are chosen to be a part of Allura Epsom Dolor. That's the name of your house? Yeah. Oh, that's the name? It sounds more like a placeholder.

What do you mean, placeholder? I just feel like, you know, they wanted to come back to it when they thought of something better. They didn't? Yeah. Well, I think it sounds fancy. Those two flowers are just running by yelling chug.

Oh, they're vomiting everywhere. Yeah, they're having such a good time. They are in the part of the pledge process where they really have to prove their commitment. You know, can they hang? We're going to have such a good time. They're in the part of the pledge process where they really have to prove their commitment. You know, can they hang? We're going to have such a good time. There's so many different theme days. Today is business cash.

Okay. So it is. Fun, sir. I don't have business cash. Well, free. Available at the moment. Okay. Makes a lot of excuses.

Got it. Writing that down. Oh, wow. You lost favor of excuses. Got it. Writing that down. Oh, wow. You lost favor right away. Becca, Becca, I just want to say that I'm just so excited. Yeah? What is happening? I'm excited. Okay, I'm excited. Great job, Captain. You're really speaking Becca Becca's language right now.

I have a question. So how do you get put in the house? Do you, like, wear a hat and the hat, like, tells you what house you're in or something? I don't know. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking.

You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking.

You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking.

You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking.

You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking.

You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking.

You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking.

You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. You're asking. makes no sense. You put the hat on and the hat says, AJ, AJ, just relax.

What we do is really democratic and truly, really kind and the most objective thing we can do. So me and the rest of the people who live in the house, we take notes about everybody who's rushing. Kind of like things we hate about them.

I couldn't help but notice you have not stopped scribbling on your clipboard since you met us. Well, I'm the president. Yeah. You said that's kind? Taking notes on people is a kind thing to do? Yeah. Baka baka? Yeah. No, exchange time. Okay, sorry, guys. One second.

Let me see. Let me see your notes. Really? Yeah, I don see your notes. Really? Yeah, I don't like that. Yeah. And I didn't like the way that, I guess, like, the forklift guy was just kind of, like, looking at me. I didn't think that was funny. The asides here are very loud. Becca and Samantha, Samantha, are we changing notes?

Yeah, belly, belly. I'm thinking, and I know it's not about looks, but that big loader droid is really big. I know. And it's like, do we want that? You know, is that something that we want to be associated with? Is that like our thing? It's like fine. It's obviously fine.

It's obviously fine. And I respect that and I love that. If it's obviously fine, why are they even talking about it? C-53, you're beautiful in every frame, okay? That one has a gun up its butt, I've noticed. That's new. That could be new. I think it's like so cool. That could be new.

Listen, crew, we are not gonna let the negativity ruin our together time, okay? So, H-ing, take Plex hand. Okay. Now our chain is a circle, okay? And now we can... I don't know if I wanna hold hands with C because he's apparently kind of, you know...

What? I'm just saying. I'm just listening to what Billy, Billy, Samantha, and Becca, Becca said. I'm breaking up the circle. You're circling before we're allowed to circle. And frankly, I didn't even know you knew that we circled. That was not it? Honestly, I'm impressed. Okay.

We are a house that actually kind of likes rule breakers. So you know what? I'm going to divulge a little bit of information. Okay. I'm going to show you our secret handshake. Oh, wow. So if you know this handshake, it unlocks tons of opportunities. You can get into, like, crazy sick parties.

You get, like get extra shots. And also you'll get hired for consulting firms. When you say shots, do you mean vaccines? Vodka. Oh, vodka. Okay, alright. Sure.

Sure. One of us doesn't have the required number of phalanges for sort of a true handshake. Is that going to be an issue? Or is she sort of clueless? She's running faster. Oh, no. C-53.

I'm sure you brought it up. I didn't bring it up. I probably should have brought that up. There should be less infighting amongst us. We are supposed to be a unit. I wish there was a hat. It would be easier if there was a hat. How would the hat work, AJ?

You put it on your head and it says something. I don't know if the hat talks to you, AJ. I don't know you. See, this is why you guys need us. You need a sense of community. We never fight. At a certain point, they're going to have to cut that dead weight. That two-fingered porker is just

dragging them down. It's so sad that they don't notice. Did you guys say you were nice? Didn't you say that dead weight. That two-fingered porker is just dragging him down. It's so sad that they don't notice. Did you guys say you were nice? Didn't you say like 30 seconds ago that you were super kind? You're so kind. Yeah, we love each one of our sisters. We love your two-fingered porker. Hey, Becca, Becca, what's on this

blackboard here? It's Carte Financi Bros. Sound it out. You've almost got it. Financier bros. That's the theme party for tomorrow. The theme, of course, is finance bros and tennis hoes. All right.

Oh. And this is our dead mother, so she kind of, you know, makes our food, cleans all of our rooms. Dead mother. She's the dead mother. Okay. Oh. I thought she I'm the dead mother. She's the dead mother. I thought she said I'm the dead mother. She is a little dried out. I'm the dead mother. One second, Margaret, stop.

As you dash, you will have me. I became the dead mother. Okay, guys, I'm just going to kind of push her to the side. I'm dead. The dead mother can't even cry. They're so dehydrated. You should water her. She doesn't know what's good for her.

Okay. Real bucket, if you ask me. I like you. You're fun. Yeah, I'm willing to throw anyone under the bus to be popular. That is really helpful. Oh, boy. I can see on the clipboard that earned you a couple of hearts.

AJ seems amazing. I am crushing on UJ. And now we're in the main room. This is where the mixer is happening. So you can see there's lots of different plants talking to their various cutting groups. So this is a really fun time for me just to kind of figure out if your vibe is right for our house. Oh. Okay.

Yeah, okay. So maybe let's go around. What's everybody's weakness? Oh. Weakness. Yeah. Okay. So if you just go around and give us the weakness that you've noticed of someone else in our cutting group.

Just kind of anything you've noticed. Oh, not our own weaknesses. Not even our own. Becca, Becca, allow me to start by saying I will not be participating in this form of bullying. I read the prologue of Captaining NU, and I've learned that the best way

to bring your crew together is to stay positive. Hey, nice job, Captain. I'll go next. Dara's weakness is marksmanship. No. I think C-53's weakness is... Weakness.

Not that. I'm just being honest. You know, and that's the important thing about being in a sisterhood, is you can be honest and open with your other sisters. So if they're not performing in their rigid cast system that they've been given the privilege to perform in, you can call them out on that stuff. And it's really helpful for community. And I can't, you know, I can't say for sure, but I feel like you guys might be invited

to the initiation ceremony. Hmm. Seems like we haven't done a single thing right, but okay. What would we do there? Is that where we get the hat that tells us where we're supposed to be? No. There's no hat. There's no hat.

Yay. House assignment hat, which is ridiculous. Yeah, we don't have that. Like an assignment hat, yes. If you guys are into hats, one of our really big philanthropies is that we give little hats to people in need of little hats. Wow, that's cool. Actually, Becca, Becca, can you tell me a little bit more about the philanthropy that your organization does? Oh, yeah.

What is that all about? How many little hats do you give out? Well, it kind of depends on, obviously, we collect croon, and we use that to throw insane ragers. And those insane ragers are obviously to support the philanthropy. And so whatever croons we have left over, we then, of course, give that money to the philanthropy of our choice, which is almost always the hat one. And what's usually left over after the party? After a big rager.

Could you put it to an exact number of little hats? Like how many little hats did you give out after the last ranger? Because they're little, so they probably don't cost that much. We can usually pay for half of one little hat. Oh, no. That's not even a whole hat. Are you saying we're not doing good work? Yeah. So, Becca, Becca, how did you come to Lorem Ipsum Dolor?

Well, I guess I was, you know, chosen. There's this great time, you know, when you become a young seedling and you realize that, hey, it's time to find a community that fits for me. And I've been lucky to be at Loram Ipsum dolar for so much time now i mean you kind of don't know when your time ends you know but as soon as it does you're taken to the real planet and then you can't party on any of these moons anymore so even though all of my friends you know many of them who i started with have left i'm i'm just so glad that i i still get to be here and truly party every night. When you say the real planet, you mean Biktar? Yeah.

And all of your friends left you here for Biktar? I mean, okay, well, they didn't leave me. They now have boring ass lives on a big tar. They have, like, jobs.

They have, like, kids and, like, annoying, boring husbands where I'm spending every single night chugging. You know what I mean? And just to clarify, chugging is when you put your roots in a plastic tub of vodka, right? Yeah. Oh, look, it's happening over there. Cool. Wow. Oh my god, I love

this so much. Wow, it really goes right in there, doesn't it? Yeah, well, our house is full of party girls, so... Okay, yeah. Yeah, and that's full of party girls, so... Okay, yeah. Yeah, and that's how I like it, so... So on Victor, everyone who dresses like a finance bro or a tennis ho, that's because they are, in fact, going to a finance job or...

A tennis job. A tennis job. Yeah. Yeah, they get, like, a tennis job, and... I mean, I don't know, I guess that's cool for them or whatever. But I refuse to ever have to do that, you know? That's awesome. You're never going to the real world, huh?

Exactly. I mean, it's not my choice. It just kind of happens when the universe feels that you're ready. Even though some mornings I wake up and I'm like, I'm tired. I don't think I can chug anymore. Becca, Becca. Becca, Becca. Yeah?

Becca. Yeah? I saw Natalia, Natalia researching retirement plans. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's not funny. Okay, well, we're gonna have a house

meeting about that. That's for jucking sure. I think you're right. Yes. And honestly, I'm gonna be sad for her. Yeah. And she's a slut bucket. I'm still not sure that I know what that means. You wouldn't get it. It's empowering.

I mean, yeah, sure. That checks out. I'm very confused by pretty much all of this. Yeah. There's so much intricate drama that happens in the house on a daily basis. We do love hot gossip. I mean. Okay, you're going to freak out about this. Okay. So I about this. Okay.

So, I overheard Samantha telling Lindy Lindy that she actually doesn't like the Little Hats charity. What? Can you believe that? Wait, that's me. Can you believe that? I mean, no, but yeah. You know what I mean? Right?

It's like insane because that's like what we raise money for. That's insane. I can believe that? I mean, no, but yeah. You know what I mean? Right? Yeah, I can, but not. It's like insane because that's like what we raise money for. That's insane. I can't believe that I said that. That's crazy. That is crazy that you said that. And you're the one who like cuts the little hats in half and we have to donate less than one. That's crazy.

Well, maybe it's because I'm kind of tired of, I just like want a stable life. I'm sorry. Just to clarify. Do you buy a whole hat and then cut it in half? Big girl, we do. What do you do with the other half of the hat? I just keep the hat intact. No, we need to sell the other half of the hat to fund the beer that we buy.

I took a financial solutions class online, and it told me in order to make profit, you have to cut your hat in half. And I just want to have a job without having to resort to partying all the time. She's being lifted up. Wait, what's happening to Samantha right now? I'm flying. I'm beginning to raise her to the air. No.

They're sending me away. I'm going to the serious place. She's literally flying off the surface. Come on, my friend. I'm going to the serious I can't handle this disgusting man I wish the real world would just stop so when you when you grow up

and leave this moon you are sucked into the gravitational pull of Biktar? Can you explain what just happened, please? Yeah. Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here? AJ. AJ. AJ, why don't you go chug over there with the other pledges? You got it. Let's do this. Let's fucking chug.

Yes. He's standing in a tub of vodka. AJ, please don't change at all for me. Becca, Becca, that was very confusing what just happened. Can you explain what we just saw? Oh, it happens honestly way too often. I just never expected it to happen during Rush because it's such a stressful time for me already.

But, Samantha, Samantha, clearly became mature, and all of a sudden, the moon lost its gravitational pull on her, and she was taken to Bittar, the adult planet. She's probably already wearing loose jean. Ugh. Yeah, gross. Flowers can wear jeans? Yeah, single leg. Okay, sorry. Call him Yeah. Gross. Flowers can wear jeans? Yeah. A single leg. Okay. Sorry. Tell him a

jean. That makes sense. Yeah, I know. You don't have to explain that part. Now you're okay. Yeah. Listen, while we all have a moment to ourselves, while Becca Becca tries to regain

control, I think we need to come up with a game plan. I just don't think this place is for us, you know? I mean, I don't know what the big problem is. I mean, Becca Becca has everything that we need, guys. We're learning about networking. We're learning about super organized structure. Did you see how rigid everything's been organized

here? Yeah, that's not really organization, though. It's more just, like, sort of guilt-tripping and sniping. Manipulation. really organization, though. It's more just, like, sort of guilt-tripping and sniping. Manipulation. It works, though. It works. Did you see how fast Belly Belly fell in line? Fast. We came here to learn about philanthropy, AJ. What? They give away a half...

Halfs of hats. Not even full hats, AJ. Not even giving a full hat. You know what? Becca was right about all of you. When? All of us. Excuse me? When? When was was right about all of you. When? Excuse me? When? When was she right about us? So I am a porker with two fingers, huh?

Is that what you're talking about? Not by word. Not by word. You cannot pierce AJ. Help. He's getting a little upset. No, these are my real friends. This is such a good bonded sisterhood.

This is like who I am now. I'm one of the sisters here. AJ, you know what? Listen, can we just drop all of this nonsense? We need to get back on track. The Allweed is out there destroying planets. Yes, Plek is right. We need to focus.

We've got to go to Sisu with a plan. We need to be thinking about the future of the galaxy. To say nothing of the fact that nobody's even watching horse hat right now. I mean, who's taking care of the horse? What's happening? We're going to Big Taur. No, where are you going? Have fun in the real world, suckers.

Becca, Becca, you were totally right. Yeah, I think. Why are you crying? I just, like, obviously I love it here, and, like, I think everyone is, like, beautiful and empowered and so fun, but... Totally beautiful and empowered. I just, like, sometimes wish I knew what it was like, you know, to, like, have a mortgage and mortgage and to like think about my savings.

Becca, you're starting to float. What? You're starting to float. You mean it? I mean. I'm so excited. Wow. Okay.

Later, bitches. I didn't like any of you anyway. Oh, no. God damn it. Shh. Oh no! God damn it! Hi there, welcome to Biktar. Have you set up a savings account? No, actually, but that sounds practical.

Yeah, you should have several, perhaps a high-yield savings account to start. Something to help you pay for your mortgage. I think I may have come here a little prematurely. Well, Black, it's good to be thinking about these things in the long term. Do you guys want to put on your khakis, your complimentary Biktar khakis? There's only one pant leg. Oh, yeah. You know, maybe you can help us.

I'm sorry, do you work here? Oh, yes, yes. I'm the Biktar Welcome Secretary. Oh, wow. Okay. Practical position to have. May I assign you a child to take care of? Oh, we actually already have one already. I'm 14.

My name's Dunt. Yeah, sorry, Dunt. We actually already have one. We've started. Yeah, Dunt, I'm very full up with children that I'm taking care of. Yeah, we're good. We're good already. I'm going through a lot of stuff right now, so you three parents

better just, like, deal with it. I just want to be alone! Great! That's what we want also in regards to you. And, like, more allowance. Uh, that we can't really help you with. We don't even have a savings account. This conversation's so boring!

Peace out! Whoa! Look at Dunst floating the other way. Wow. Secretary, where is he floating to? Oh, well, I guess he's been initiated into one of the moons. Wow. Oh, that was quick. They grow up so fast, don't they?

They do. They really do. I'm sorry. What was your name? Bra. Bra? Yeah. Braa? Yeah. Braa.

Cool Braa. We were actually just on one of the moons at Loram Ipsum Dolor. Oh. Yeah. Boy. I used to be at Loram Ipsum Dolor, if you can believe that. Really? Oh, wow.

Yeah, a different time. Listen, Braa, we came to the Biktar system with a plan. We had a job to do. We were trying to get some information about how to communicate more effectively. We wanted to try to get into philanthropy, and we also wanted to figure out how to network, how to connect with the wider population. I don't feel like we learned any of that at lauren mipson delar oh yeah we were just missing the forms okay so form uh three seven this is to set up your open lines of communication within your organizations there's an org chart you can fill out the brainstorming sheet at the beginning um this form c9 that's of course your ethical code to set up

your philanthropy and we have a networking system portal you just need to set up a login and you'll be able to see who you can easily network with based on your professional skills you don't have to do any chugging i don't think so wow and uh and here's your complimentary entire hat oh an entire hat huh look at. An entire hat. Huh. Look at that. An entire hat. Pretty good. Crew, these forms are amazing. Yeah. I was able to just distribute these to Sisu's entire organization, and

the systems are already working better. Yeah, there you go. We got a bit of a rocky start, but that's some really good advice. We finally got to big time. Yeah. Hey, guys, listen, you know, I know that was a pretty rough mission with all the emotions and a lot of sniping, a lot of gossiping. I didn't appreciate being frame-shamed.

Right. A bunch of plants, there a lot of gossiping. I didn't appreciate being frame-shamed. Right. A bunch of plants, there's a certain irony there. Yeah, I realized, you know, it's good to stay together. We don't need to be that close all the time. Oh, you guys said the opposite things just there. Get out of here, Nermin. Well, you know what's healthy? You have differing opinions.

Yeah. Yeah, thank you, C-53. I agree with that. Yeah, good. Yeah, I agree with that. See, it's unanimous. Yeah, thank you, C-53. Yeah, good. Yeah, I agree with that. See, it's unanimous. Oh, wait. AJ.

Oh, we gotta go back for AJ. Yeah. Do we? AJ's here. What? Yeah, back. Sorry. AJ, it seemed like you You're back. Yeah, I'm back. Sorry. AJ, it seemed like you were going to stay. AJ, how did you get back?

Did you mature? Did you make it to Victor? Uh, no. I was booted from Laura Mipsom Dolar. I was too much of a slut bucket. What the hell? AJ, what is that exactly? Uh, it's when you put your roots in too many buckets.

What roots you mean? Feet? Yeah, I guess. I got really into buckets. I was putting my feet in a lot of buckets at one point. I used to be a slut bucket. Literally? Literally. Proud of it?

No shame. Okay. I still don't know what it is. To be continued... played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn. Captain Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Barney the Ship, Samantha Samantha, The Dead Mother, and The Shrub were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Teen Momner, Bundaloy, Belly Belly, and Dunn were played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Knoll. Becca Becca and Brach were played by special guest Natasha Vaynblatt. Natasha is a writer-performer for Comedy Central's Digital Creators. Her stand-up was featured on Comedy Central Digital Stand-Up Presents and on Vulture, The Believer, and Bust. Follow her everywhere

at NatashaVeinblatt. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at eight different secret locations over Zoom. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. With additional performance by the Chime Street Brass Quintet.

Opening chronoration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design from the Nigerian Jade by Eric Goyes. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Don't forget to catch our live stream show this Saturday, May 30th. Info at missiontozix.space. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Hey, I'm Janet Varney, host of the JV Club podcast. Ah, high school. Was it a time of adventure, romance, and discovery? Class of 95, we did it! Or a time of angst, disappointment, and confusion?

We're all tied together by four years of trauma at this place, but enjoy adulthood, I guess. The truth is, it was both. So join me on the JV Club podcast where I invite some great friends like Kristen Bell, Angela Kinsey, Oscar Nunez, Neil Patrick Harris, and Keegan-Michael Key to talk about high school, the good, the bad, and everything in between. My teenage mood swings are getting harder to manage. The JV Club. Find it on Maximum Fun. The Susan Lucci of the Webby's. What is Judge John Hodgman? Comedy writer and television personality John Hodgman settles disputes between friends, family, co-workers, partners, and more. Is Machine Gun a robot?

Should a grown adult tell his parents about his tattoos? Should a family be compelled to wear matching outfits on vacation? Listen to Judge John Hodgman to find out the answers to these age-old disputes and more. If you haven't listened to Judge John Hodgman, now is a great time to start. Judge John Hodgman is available on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Audience supported. What does that mean exactly to you? Sled bucket. It depends. Sometimes it's empowering and sometimes it's vicious. Like I can call, I can call Belly Belly a sled bucket. I'm such a sled bucket. But I can't.

But do not call me one. But if you were to call Julie Julie a slut bucket, it would be a slam. What did you call me? Julie Julie is a slut bucket. Take it back. Julie Julie is the shrub in the yard. That's not you. Oh, Julie Julie?

Probably. I mean, if anyone would even bucket her. Wow. I don't know about this. No, no. Keep it all in keep all of this in keep all of it

keep all of it there's been nothing problematic said in this entire recording correct