Mission To Zyxx - 415: Dear Maxie [ft. Lauren Lapkus]

Episode Date: July 22, 2020

The crew is assigned to stage a photo op at a children’s hospital, but end up somewhere else entirely. Pleck pushes Bargie’s buttons. Dar and C-53 go cubicle2cubicle. AJ finds a new hobby.Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy, Borkin and SteveWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as Bargie, Lorkin and SusanWith special guest Lauren Lapkus as Maxie WiggsEdited by Seth LindSound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Theme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic OrchestraOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric GeuszAudio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. Happy Max Fun Drive! Join at maximumfun.org/join

Hey everyone, it's Seth Lind. I play Nermit Bundeloy. Maybe not the coolest crew member on Mission to Zix, but safe to say the shortest. It is the max fun drive. The time when we celebrate this amazing listener-supported podcast network we are proud to call home maximum fun. It's also the time when we get to thank the people without whom this show would truly, truly not exist. And I mean you, the MaxFun member who clicked Mission to Zix when joining. Thank you so, so much. You are what makes it possible not just for us to make this show, but to put it out into the world for anyone to listen to for free. And that's precisely because the show is supported by listeners who are in a position to help us make it. And I am here to invite you to join them. I noticed a comment

on one of our Facebook posts the other day from a listener named Lucas. I'm just going to pull it up here. Here's what he said, and he said I could quote it here. This comment struck me just because it was so sincere and sweet. Here it is. He said, it always makes me so happy to hear this podcast. It is my favorite because you all make me smile. I work in a sawmill and lumberyard, and I need to keep my mind busy. So many podcasts Thank you, Lucas, for the comment tell everyone I know about Mission to Zix. Thank you, Lucas, for the comment and for telling people about the show. That is its own amazing donation. And thank you, listener who supports the show financially via Maximum Fund for making the show exist for everyone out there in Lucas's position or any position like that, because that's the thing. It's especially

important to us at a time like this that we're in now with a economy crushing pandemic, when so many people's employment and finances have been thrown for a loop for us to be able to put this incredibly laborious show out for free. That is more important to us than it's ever been. But part of that bargain is the trust that to someone, maybe you, it's actually not free. Right? That's kind of the contradiction inherent in this is that in order to keep this thing free for a select group of people, it isn't. But rather, it's something you pay a little bit for, or however much you can or want to, so that other people can benefit from it. So if you love the show and are in a position to support it,

we would be just honestly delighted if you would join now over at MaximumFun.org slash join. If this is resonating with you, I'd ask you just hit pause right now and join up before you forget. It's the kind of thing that we all just think, yeah, that seems right, and we don't get to it. So just hit pause, and the show will be here when you're back. Did you hit pause? Did it feel good to join? Okay. Here's the episode. It is a really fun one featuring our guest. We've, we've wanted to get on the show for a long time and thank you so much for making this show exist. It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Oort. Which looks like a bruise with an event horizon.

Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zix. Hey, Corsair? Yeah? Oh, did you get a chance to finish Bargy's script? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I agree. It's amazing. I don't.

Right? And also, it just felt like none of the characters announced what their quirky traits were. They were just themselves. Like, the whole time. Da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Exactly. Are we talking about Margie's script?

Yeah. Yeah. Horsat and I both finished it. Did you finish it? It's fantastic. Right? I mean, I don't mean to sound so surprised, but... Yeah, it's good.

Okay, it is... Horsat has a point. It is a little surprising, but, you know, Bargy's been in the business for a long time. Are you guys talking about Bargy's script? Yeah. Yeah. That's so many pages, right? Did you get through it?

No, I mean, I, like, started it. Sure, yeah. Now I'm asking if you finished it. Like, what's finishing it? You know what I mean? I kind of. I sort of went. Are you guys talking about the all week?

No. No. We guys talking about the all-wheat? No. You know, it's funny. None of us really ever think about the all-wheat. You know? It's sort of a galactic existential threat. Are you guys talking about Bargy's script? We actually are.

Yeah, Bargy. Garbage, right? Completely garbage, terrible. What's the thing about Barge? This script. I hate it. It's great. Yeah, I mean, to piggyback on what Horsehead is saying, it's just, it's really refreshing. And to piggyback on what everyone else is saying, you know, there were, I mean, there's so many pages to it.

And I just thought it was really tight. AJ, AJ, please stop trying to piggyback C-53. It's not an actual, it's not, it's not, it's not a literal piggyback. Okay. Right. But just to piggyback on that. Okay. All right.

All right. Well, I just want to say, I appreciate everyone reading my script. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, I just want to say I appreciate everyone reading my script, okay? But don't worry about it because I already deleted it. It's over. Bargy, what? No. Bargy. I thought I'd write something honest for a change, really put myself into it.

Yeah, that came across in the script. I threw it away. Instead, I'm writing a spec for Shirk 5. Shirk 5? No, not Shirk 5. Shirk 5? No, not Shirk 5, the Shirksicle. We don't need another Shirk movie. Especially not a musical version. No, Bargy, please. Does Donkey sing in it?

Yeah. Yes. I'll read that. I thought Donkey died at the end of Shirk 4. Wait, what? Is that how you interpreted that? It doesn't matter. They always resurrect Dunkey. It's just so... It's always without consequences. No, I straight up killed Dunkey in the first page.

What? Oh, so when you say spec, you are writing fantasy fiction. You were talking about the all-weakness, right? Yeah. No, you know what? It's fine. I understand you guys don't think or talk or worry or dream about the all-weak quite as much. You know what I mean?

He has that kind of look in his eye. Does anyone ever know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. To the surface of his eyeball, yeah. The kind of look that Donkey has in the first page right before he takes his own life. What?

Bargy, I want to see that shirt five. I want to hear about Donkey. I'm almost sure you should probably bring him back because if there's anything people love, it's when a beloved character that everyone thought was annoying dies and then comes back. Captain Don, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bundeloy. Hello, Nermit. Hey, crew. What is up?

Bargy, this script is incredible. Oh, thank you so much. Is it you talking about Shirk 5? I'm definitely not talking about Shirk 5. Spoiler, there's more of my real life in that one, I'll tell you that. Oh, boy. Do we have a mission, Nermit? Yeah, what's our mission, man?

Yeah, what's our mission, man? Yeah. Of course. So, uh, the PR coming off of having promised that, uh, zombification would help the galaxy is, as you can imagine, a little rough. So, we've arranged a photo op, so you will be meeting Sisu Gundu

at the Plentius Children's Hospital. Okay. We're supporting Sisu at the hospital?ius Children's Hospital. Okay. We're supporting Sisu at the hospital? What is our role? You're going to be kind of like background. It's a time where the children have all been annoyingly mostly cured, so they need people to kind of fill up beds in the background of the photo shoot. That can't be right.

Yeah, so you guys are going to... Well, if you're far enough in the background, they're really desperate. So they're going to move the bets kind of further back. And you're going to be in the back of shots playing sick children because they are not enough. I don't know. Disingenuous? I mean, I'm six, so I'm in. AJ's in.

I mean, I guess anything for Sisu. Yeah. Thank you. So here are the coordinates to Plentius. You know what, Nermin? Actually, let me punch those coordinates in for you. I don't mind. That's not really something that you normally do.

I'm just going to punch in the coordinates here. I can just transfer these coordinates straight to Plentius. You take a break, C-53. You're always doing stuff in your cube and with Bargy interfacing. Almost no effort. Yeah, well, you know, I like to get my hands dirty sometimes, punch in a coordinate or two, so... I guess you still technically don't have a job in the crew,

so if this makes you feel better, I guess... Yeah, you know, Nermit's right. Plek, anything to get that look out of your eye? You still technically don't have a job in the crew, so if this makes you feel better, I guess. Yeah, you know, Nermit's right. Plek, anything to get that look out of your eye? All right, I'm sending him straight to your data pad, Plek. Okay. So here are the coordinates to Plentius, specifically the Little Bill preemptive memorial wing. What does that mean?

He's holding on, but obviously not for long. Oh, that's not great. Well, he's been terminally ill for a long time. It can't, you know, like... He can't last. Don't love that. Yeah, it seems like he's had a good run so far. How old is Little Bill at this point? Who is this?

Little Bill's 41. Hey, Black. Black. Yes? When you're punching in the numbers, could you scratch the third number? It kind of itches. Wait, you mean three? The number three?

I don't know. Just the third one. Next to one and two, whatever that's called. Okay, that would be three. I don't pay attention to numbers. Just scratch it. Okay. But like a deep scratch.

Not too light, like a deep, deep scratch. All right. Yeah, that's good. That's good. That's really good. All right. All right. Let's hit the old hyperspace lanes.

What? All right, Key, we're rolling. Ready to go? Indeed. Okay, hit it. My greetings to noobs and papas alike. It is I, Xemamaster Keyarondo, with Stereophonic Audio Log Entry 212. Though who can say when this audio shall find its way to your ears, the internet on Zemaprime has been down for a good seven months, ever since an unknown disturbance in the space knocked out all our stuff. We'll just assume everything is fine and the galaxy is fresh as ever.

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Now, as a resident Zima master here, I should probably talk to Spurge about why no ship is docked on Zima Prime for seven... Wait a minute. This isn't Moscow. This isn't even Plexus. C53, everyone. I have something to admit to you.

You don't know how to put in coordinates? No, I actually do know how to put in coordinates. You're a clone? What? No! Why would that be what I... It's weird, isn't it? Hear me out, okay? I punched in these coordinates after the call with Nermit. This is more important

than our mission, okay? This is the real mission. Wait, hold on. Is that why you wanted to punch in the coordinates? Yes, they did. Thank you for catching up. Are you guys kidding? The heave-toll decided to punch in the coordinates so that you could... Listen, guys.

I'm sorry I lied to you, but this is... I know where this place is. I know where we are. We're at the teen magazine headquarters. Oh, they did a story on me once that said they be too old. I mean. I'll never forget.

Yeah. Is the name of the magazine in the article there? That's right. All the magazine headlines start with a thing. Yeah. They sexy dresses. Are you joking kidding me right now? You took us to the magazine headquarters? Yes.

Everyone, everyone, listen. I know we just spent a lot of time getting our sallow makeup perfect. But if this is what Plek needs... Thank you, Captain. Bargy, can you open the hatch?

We didn't want to pose in the background of a photo at an empty children's hospital. That sounds terrible. I mean, it doesn't sound... Some questions are just too big for us to be able to figure out on our own. I've been struggling with what my destiny should be for months now. And I realize there's only one person who can answer my questions. It's Maxie Wiggs. None of us read They Teens, so you're going to have to tell us who that is.

Maxi Wiggs is the advice columnist at They Teen. And every single week, she cranks out this incredible advice for people all over the galaxy with these crazy personal questions. But hold on. You think Maxi Wig is going to give you a 26-year-old man if he thinks about your destiny as a Z-Bone warrior? Listen, C-53,

this magazine isn't called Girl Teen. It's not called Kid Teen. It's called They Teen. That encompasses everyone, all of us. It's called They Teen. Okay, that part is secondary. Yes. Yes. Hey!

Hey! Hello. Oh. Did you sick children What? Win a wish to come to the lake? No, no, no. No, no, no. We are. We not sick children. Oh, it's the makeup. No, no, no. We are sick children.

Oh, my goodness. Very sick children teens. Very. Rarely do they make their wish to come here. Welcome, welcome. Thank you. We would like to speak with Maxi Wiggs, please. Who are we to say no to?

Sick, sick children. Oh, no. We're all... Yeah, this is tight. This way, this way, this way. This way. Um, um, let me move, I'm gonna move these boxes out of the way. Maxi keeps a lot of storage boxes kind of blocked. These are my children.

Okay. And, Maxie, these sick kids are here specifically for you. Okay. Come in. Just step over the porcelain figures.

Don't knock any of this over. These are all very expensive. Wow. There's so many. There's so many. Yeah. Wow. This is...

Yeah, you really managed to pack a lot of stuff into this little office. You know, I don't think C and I are going to sit in here. Maybe we just leave it to you two. Oh, okay. Okay. I'm going to piggyback on that and literally jump on you, C. Okay.

Okay. We're out of here. Well, okay. Well, I thought you all wanted to talk to me. That's not the case. No, no, no, Miss Wiggs. We want to talk to you desperately. I'll stick around.

Thank you, AJ. My name is Plek Dexeter. I'm a Zima Knight, and I've been a subscriber to They Teen for 14 years. Oh, wow. Did you come here to get a sticker? No, no, no. I came to get advice from you. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hey, Steve, what's the sticker situation like? You got stickers for people who've had a membership a long time. So you get a sticker every year you get a membership. So you guys at least got 14 stickers to start at this point. They're gold stars. They look like planets. They're all very beautiful. Wow, these are all great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Scott just n all very beautiful. Wow, these are all great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Scotch has nipped that one. Oh, whoa. Oh, yeah, it smells like space. Wow, cool. Listen, Ms. Wiggs, I'm not here for a sticker. I'm here for advice. Well, you came to the right place. I need your help.

You know, I've been writing advice for my whole entire life, actually. I came out of my mother, and the first thing the doctor asked me was what he should do about his wife cheating on him. Really? Mm-hmm. Do you remember what you said, or was it... I cried, and he said, that's right, I guess I should express myself. Oh, wow. Mm-hmm.

You were sort of born to do it. It's an innate gift. I know you have a gift. I haven't gotten a letter through to the magazine, I think, because I'm more than a decade older than most of your subscribers. But I just know you can help me. What's your issue? What's your problem? What's your issue? Okay.

Okay. This is amazing. This is amazing. I destroyed the emperor of the galaxy who then turned into an enormous flaming black hole I think that it's

my purpose to fly into the all wheat and see what's on the other side I know it puts myself at risk it puts my best friends my ship at my best friends, my ship at risk. It puts the entire galaxy at risk if I don't do it. Wow, this is really heavy.

All right, I'm going to give you a little quiz, and then this will kind of help me narrow you down a little bit. Okay, all right. Okay, it's a multiple choice. So you see your friend is in your class and they're cheating on a test and the teacher asks you after class who cheated?

Do you A, tell on your friend? Do you B, say you cheated? Or do you C, say you didn't see anything? Uh, I guess C? He's just gonna lie and say you didn't see anything. I mean, they're my friend.

Apology. H8. Number two. Your friend is always complaining about their body. Do you A, tell them they look great, B, tell them something they could work on, Or C, say you didn't hear them. I mean, are those the only three options? I feel like you could probably be a little more diplomatic. Is the combat unit not being conditioned properly?

AJ, I'm trying to get to the bottom of a real issue here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just going to look, not touch, but look at some of these figurines. Oh, do not touch that. I won't be touching them. Just looking. Those are from some of the original clowns that have ever been. Whoa.

What? Originals? Like some of the first clowns? Those are porcelains of them. What does that mean? Well, there was, well, you want let me take you back in time. There was originally clowns that we all based our clowns on now that we know.

And they were the original. And then they had merch. And they bought it. Okay. Clown porcelain. Incredible. I have a very important conversation we need to have. Do you want to have it in private or do you want to have it out loud in front of these strangers? Anything you could say to me, you could say to these guys. Oh, Maxie.

Maxie, as you know, the team has, we're not doing the best financially this quarter. What? And unfortunately, we're going to have to let some people go. Are you kidding me right now? And despite your many years here. Okay. Where are they going with this? We think maybe it's in your best interest.

I'm going to stop you right there. What's happening? I'm going to stop you right there. Because I can't hear you. Option C, I can't hear you. Option C, yeah. Oh, wow. I can't hear you. Option C, I can't hear you. Option C, yeah! I can't hear what you're saying. So if I can't hear, then I don't think I can really follow through

on whatever your desire is. Okay, well, I think you understand what I mean, so if you could, by the end of the day... It would take me days, weeks, months, years to get all this stuff out of here, so I think it's easier if I just stay. And you could just work around that. There's no option C in life, Maxie. Goodbye. To be determined. weeks, months, years to get all this stuff out of here. So I think it's easier if I just stay. And you could just work around that. There's no option C in life, Maxie.

Goodbye. To be determined. Maxie. Maxie, this is terrible. You're a pillar of the they teen community. They can't fire you. You know what? They've been using a picture of a young woman as my image in the magazine for years.

And I think this is ageist and I think this is ages. I think so, too. I mean, as a 26-year-old subscriber to They Teen, I totally understand where you're coming from when you say that. See? I've always said They Teen should be for everyone of all ages. Yes, that's what the they refers to. That's what the they is in They Teen. That's what I've always said.

Uh, see, you can put me down. Okay. I'm not super hungry, so I don't really want to raid any snack areas, but... What other departments might they have here? Nobody's clicking on the...

Nobody's clicking on the S. Oh. Not for us. No, no Alright, let's see here Take your hats off, yes Take your hats off Oh, that's Okay No no, wait

Let's see This is for you and me Oh yes No, no, wait. Let's see. This is for you and me. Ooh, yes. Dar-likey. Yeah, I'm just... Okay, let's see what's here. This is the cube that holds all the gossip. Are you kidding me? All of it? all the gossip. Are you kidding me?

All of it? All the gossip? Come on, Darth. There's fine print here. You should pick up the key. I'm something. Pick. Oh, boy. Get your phalanges on this one, Steve.

Come on. Steve, hold on. I think someone's coming in. Open! Jared, are you going to finish that sandwich? Oh, Jared. Oh, Jared. The name is activating something.

There's a lot in here. Oh, Jared. Oh, Jared, you wily rascal. Oh, yeah, who could we tell? I guess we could just start going office to office. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, he seems sad and like he could do with some hot gas. If the banner was the full width of the site, I think we could get the... Excuse us.

Excuse me. How do you feel about hot gas? I mean, I don't like to pass it on, but I like to hear it. Okay, okay. All right. Do you know Jared? Maxie, I know things are difficult for you right now. We're at day 18, but if you could just help me with this problem.

The fate of the galaxy rests on it. We're so close to getting the answer. I need to figure out what type you are so I can figure out how to best solve your problem. I've got to figure out the type. Yeah, okay, sure. Okay, next question is this. You're having a birthday party. You want to invite everyone from your whole school, but you don't like everyone.

So, do you A, invite everyone anyway? B, only invite the kids you like. Or C, pretend you didn't hear it was your birthday, and then just see how it shakes out. Yeah. Sorry, Maxie. I just feel like... C.

I just feel like... C. Why would you do that, AJ? I love this. And I'm going to say you said C for the last one, which is pretend you didn't hear your friend when they were talking about their body. Fine. Okay. Okay.

Great. So what this means is you're a really great person, and you have a strong belief system, but you also are a bit of a coward. So this is where kind of your issues come into play. Wow. I got to say, Maxine. No, hold on. What it means you should do is you should have the confidence to ask anyone out that you want to ask out, and you shouldn't be afraid of the rejection.

Yeah, right. You should ask out whoever you want to ask out. See? AJ's got an answer for you. Yeah. You know, Maxine, even though you sort of pushed me into answering C for all of those, and even though my question has nothing to do with dating, you really summed me up.

I'm optimistic. I want to do what's best, but I'm a little bit of a coward. Well, the quiz is always right, which is why they should keep me around here, because these quizzes have been helping teens for many, many eons. Well, you know, I try to be brave, but sometimes, you know, I just don't know what path to take. I mean, I spent months studying the space. I learned how to use my dinglehopper. I dueled the emperor on top of a...

What's that, a comb? Dinglehopper? No, no, it's a wood saber. I mean, I don't want to brag, it's sort of the most powerful wood saber in the galaxy. Interesting. It actually is infused with the power of the space. Wow. Even though it's stuff.

Okay, well, then maybe you can help me because that lady keeps walking in and keeps trying to fire me. So what would you do if you were me? Because it's getting a little bit scary. Wait, you want my advice? If you could. I know it sounds crazy because I'm the advice lady, but it's happening to me.

Right. You know what I think you should tell her is that you're the reason that Dayteen is great. You give the subscribers something to look forward to. And I guess, you know, you always gave me something to hope for, that if I ever had a really big problem, that he might be able to help me out. Wow.

Um, sorry to interrupt. I just, I, again, you have guests here. You don't, is this something I'd rather talk to you in private? We're actually the same guests from before. What would you like me to just say in front of these strangers? They know me better than anyone. Okay. I mean, you look at somebody's ancient porcelain clown collection and you, you know.

Yeah. Okay. So as you know, the 18 has not done well financially this past quarter. But the new worst development is that the gossip cube that fuels all of our content has gone missing. So if that's not found by the end of the day, I think we're all going to have to pack up like you to roam free. Wait, hold on. Yes. I have something I need to say now.

Okay. I know that I have did many things that is very good for this magazine. Yes, that's it. And I have did many things that have changed it for the teens and all ages and allowed everyone to read it. Yeah, that's it. Pretty close. And I have did many things that people have thought is good,

and I have did a things that people have thought is good. And I did a lot. Wow, Papa. Because I did good. But it's not good. It doesn't sound good. I mean, it's almost like she's so used to giving good advice that she just doesn't know how to take advice. Maybe that's what it is. I have did good and no bad

because... Maxie, you got this. You've got to believe in yourself. All of what I didn't do is respected because it wasn't bad because everyone was thinking it was good. And when they got the magazine

they thought, it's good. And when they got the magazine, they thought, it's good. I'm done. Alright, you can go. That was close. That was perfect. You liked it? I loved it. You know, we got some looks because we're carrying this cube around, but I feel better

having the cube in my hands. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And, you know, I mean, you saw the way Carol was looking at us, but I know things about Carol now. Yeah, things that Carol doesn't want you to know, but we know. Oh, we know. It doesn't just, it makes your fingers feel good to touch the cube, right? Yeah, the cube won't stop vibrating, and I'm losing, I'm losing, I'm losing.

I'm losing. I think we should go down a different hallway. I think we should go down a different hallway. Okay, yeah. No, no, no. No one can take the cube away from us. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Lorcan.

Oh, Lorcan. You got some secrets there, don't you? Oh, yes. Nobody met us at reception. We were supposed to get a tour. This is my twin brother, Borcan. I'm Borcan. Oh, no. Now we know the name.

Oh, you shouldn't have told us your name, Borcan, because now we know a lot about you. Morkin, you should know that Morkin kicked your sandcastle, and that's the reason why you lost the contest, not because a rogue wave came crashing in. I said it was a rogue wave. And Morkin, you should know that your favorite music video that was lost, Morkin took it and he spilled chocolate on it

so he threw it in the garbage. That's why you can't find it anymore. Lorcan, I would never, I would never. But here's the juiciest piece of the pie. I thought the earliest part was juicy. What's coming next? You're actually Lorcan. No. You're actually

Lorcan. Wait, so I kicked the same careful? No, they just confused. You're actually Lorkin. Wait, so I kicked the same careful? No, they just confused. They got confused. Big stop. Oh, they wanted to tell you, but you couldn't tell them because it was too late. Oh, no. In your head, you were Lorkin and Lorkin, and now you're Lorkin and Lorkin.

Now we're Lorkin. I hate this tour. So my mom says she loves Lorkin the best. So you both picked a favorite between twins? Who did? I'm saying they were dead? Between terminally ill twins? It was a weird decision. For real?

All right, we're off. See you later. No! I actually feel really, really confident after that pep talk. Yeah? I'm not even afraid. Let it come back in you, because I'll show I was what... That's great. What I always say is

lock and load. I want to write that down. How do you spell that? What? How do you spell that? How do you spell lock and load? Yeah, how do you spell it? C-K. C-K? What did you think it was?

And then what? And. A-N-D. Okay. I don't know. Interesting. And then it would say. Load.

L-O-A-D. A-L-O-A-D. What? No. Load. Load. L-O-A-D. What? No. Load. Load. L-O-A-D. Load.

Lock and load. I remember that. Okay. All right. Yeah. You're the writer of the column, though, the advice column, right? I write the column. Here we go.

It's a magazine, which is actually a very important magazine because it is very important for teens and all ages. I said that ages I said that The magazine is important because it finds your destiny Yeah Yeah Right, you found your destiny And I think my destiny might be collecting

Porcelain victories I really am vibing with these The original clowns Gotta go online Okay And just type in L-O-C-K with these. The original clowns? Yeah. Gotta go online. Okay. And just type in L-O-C-K A-N-D

L-O-A-D clowns. It'll never steer you wrong. That's what you always say. You're right. I'll go and find porcelain clown figures by typing in lock and load into a search bar. Hi.

Oh. I just wanted to say. Anything you could say to me, you say in front of my family. They are my family and they can hear it. That's right. Yeah, I think she said we're friends and then that we know her better than anyone and then family. No, we're family now. I just want to make sure I'm keeping track.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I brought a guest. This is Steven from AdSales. Just to reiterate the point about how we're doing financially. So. You love the column. Thank you. So, they're not clicking on the ads.

I think we got out of business. Okay, why does everyone keep saying this? All right, listen, Stephen from advertising. I'm sorry, what's your name? Maxie. No, not you, Maxie. What's your name, miss? AJ.

No, AJ. I'm talking to the woman who's trying to fire Maxie Wiggs. Okay. Susan, they. You're the owner of They Susan, they. You're the owner of They Teen? Yes. She founded the magazine. Huh. Mrs. They.

It's Miss They. I have not engaged in marital status yet. Oh, okay. She's really banking on this one guy she's seeing. She thinks it's going the right way, but based on her quizzes, I have other opinions. Okay.

Susan, listen, don't you see what's happening? Maxie Wiggs is the heart and soul of the 18. And I think you could learn something from her, right? You have problems at the magazine. You have problems in your personal life. Yes. I'm telling you, Maxie can fix them. And at the farm?

I mean, yeah, maybe she can fix stuff at the farm. What's going on at the farm? Is that 18 related or is it kind of your own thing? Oh, we're going to get into this on now. Every CEO needs a hobby farm. Susan, what's going on? Why is the magazine going under? Print isn't the future. farm. Susan, what's going on? Why is the magazine going under? Print

isn't the future. What? Really? You said that a lot, that it is the future. It's the past. Also, all the people who have been subscribing seem to be over

18. Okay, not the demo. Here's a suggestion. Why don't you just change the magazine to They? Now this is why I brought him in. Wait a second. I don't think she brought us here, did she? Papa.

Susan. And I said we needed to have big changes because we're going under. Steve, that's a really good idea. Did she bring us here? I thought she brought us here. No, AJ, just relax and listen. Hey, that's new. That's, uh, I'd click on that. Would it be online? We do have an online version already, to be clear. That's where they're not clicking.

But what about the gossip queue? Without it, we have nothing to gossip about. Maybe what teens and adults alike need isn't gossip. It's the truth. Print truth? What?

This type of rebrand and pivot, it costs a lot of money. And the magazine, well, it's fallen on hard times. Yeah, we know. We know that it's... Maxie, do your guests have the funds, the venture capital to make it happen? What? No.

Are you talking to us? Yeah. No. No, we don't have any money. Okay. I'm just going us? Yeah. No. No, we don't have any money. Okay. I'm just going to leave these boxes here. Again, take your time. It's not being fired.

We don't use that word. We use going to pasture. That's worse because it feels like a value judgment. So I'm going to pasture. You're going to the farm. You're going to the farm. I'm going to the farm. Yeah! Am I going to be. You're going to the farm. You're going to the farm. I'm going to the farm. I gotta be honest, this is a little baby.

It's too much gas. It's too much. It's too much. The gas is too hot. The gas is too hot. It sort of feels like my hands are hurting and are fusing to the cube. I know so much about people who are not connected to it. You guys using the printer, or?

No, just... Oh, it's the lab guy. Listen to that guy. I have a name. Oh, yeah, what's your name? Yeah, what's your name? Tough guy. My name's Steve.

Steve. I am tough, yeah. You know what makes me tougher is if they were clicking on the air. Oh, Steve. Oh, Steve! Oh, Steve! Are you sick? Oh, fuck! Piece of trash!

Oh! Maxie! Oh, yeah. Susan. Hi, sorry, I don't want to... Am I interrupting? Who are these people? No, no. You can say anything I don't want to... Am I interrupting? Who are these people? No, no.

You can say anything you want in front of my bosses here. These are my two bosses. These are my best friends. Very close employees. As you know, the company has not been doing well. But recently... You don't have to open every conversation like that. We've heard this four times in the last 20 minutes.

Yeah. I just wanted to say... We're turns out that the gossip queue had been taken by two very sick children one of them huge and the other made of metal wait that's darn c53 no papa she said they're sick children no anyway they unlocked some critical gossip revealing that the magazine's profits were actually all piled under someone's desk. What? What?

Perfect hiding space. Amazing. It seems like Steve, in advertising, was hoarding all of the money himself. I admit it. They were clicking on the ads. They were clicking the ads, and I just. I admit it. They were clicking on the ads. They were clicking the ads and I just rerouted it.

Oh, they were always clicking. They were clicking on the ads. Wow! We have the funds, everyone! We've got the funds. We're not under, we're above. Yes! Steve, does this mean that I get a paycheck now?

Wait, Max, you weren't getting paid before this? It was always a little bit late by many years. Yay. Susan, you owe this woman a lot of back pay. And furthermore, it's our friends who stole the cube and found out where all that money was. So, you know, we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Maxie. So, you know, effectively, Maxie saved the magazine. Papa, she said it was sick children.

Maxie brought us the funds! Everybody clap! Yay, I did it. Maxie, you get to keep your office. In fact, you can get the suite at the end of the room. Oh, that's too much space for my figurines. Suite at the end of the room? At the end of the room. Just right That's too much space for my figurines. Sweet at the end of the room? At the end of the room? Just right over there?

Just a little corner? Okay. I think my hands are the cube. I think. I don't know where my hands are. Oh. What are you doing? We.

We have to get back on the ship. We can't put it down. we can't put it down. We can't put it down. It's too good. It's too hot. Yeah, is it physically hot, or is it, like, hot, like, cool? Oh, good question. Both.

Okay. Guys, seriously. I called Bargy. She's waiting on the parking lot. We gotta go. We're not gonna put it down, plaque. That's about gossip, right? Wait, what's about gossip?

Wow. Wow. Wait. Have you really been hearing the old one? Like, in your head this entire time? Yeah, I've told you guys that so many times. That's not gossip, that's just a thing that happened.

Can I be an electorate? Yeah, I don't want this in our lives anymore. Yeah, some gossip is just sort of sad facts. Option C, I refuse to hear this or believe that it's happening. So, Blackwell, was it like meeting Max? I don't know, C-53. You know, they say you should never meet your heroes. I guess I went there looking for this great advice and guidance in my journey. But, you know, Maxie is kind of a mess.

She's all over the place. She doesn't speak very well. She works in this tiny little closet, basically. None of her co-workers respect her. Her confidence was so low, she didn't even realize she had the power to save the magazine, you know? Is Blair talking about herself? I'm talking about Maxie.

You know, the lack of confidence and believing in yourself. What a tiny little world. I'm talking about Maxie. She's also just obsessed with like all the stuff in her office, like these clowns, these ancient objects that she keeps around because she thinks they have some sort

of significance. You're talking about your stuff? Yeah, the one that's in your hand right now. You mean like the stuff? Like you've literally been just jabbering on about all the time? You're always talking about the stuff. The stuff is different than that stuff. I mean, that stuff is stuff.

Wait a second. You're right. Maxie was somehow giving me the advice I needed to save the galaxy. To believe in myself. I don't know how she did it. She's a genius. Yes, sir, he's definitely not talking about himself. No, no, he doesn't even know how she did it. She's a genius. Yes, I'm talking about you. No, no, he doesn't even know how to put in coordinates.

Oh, yes, I should. What a bird. So you guys didn't go to the hospital? Oh, wow, Mermit's still here. I want to say something. Oh, okay, Bargy. I saw my script. Hey, congratulations.

Really? You're a talker with a bird? Lady and Jade? For Shirk 5. Oh. Okay. They like my angle. I mean, the notes were good.

They said that no donkey shouldn't take their own life in the first page. Yeah, that's good part. They didn't understand what having a plaque look meant. Yeah, okay. Menacing twinkle. Makes sense. They didn't get that. Instead, Donkey is going to be going into high school

as a hot, hot, sexy, sexy college freshman. So Donkey's getting younger in the sequel. And Donkey is a hot college freshman in high school? What does this have to do with jerk? I don't care if it's a reboot. I'm just happy to get back into

the Donkey purse. To be continued... Dexeter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Party to the Ship, Susan Day, and Lorcan, no wait, Borkan, were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Teen Mom, Nurebundaloy, Stevie Adguy, and Bork Bork, Borkan, were played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Knoll. Maxi Wiggs was

played by special guest Lauren Lapkus. Lauren has appeared on many TV shows, including Orange is the New Black, Crashing, and her own episode of the Netflix sketch comedy series, The Characters. On her long-running podcast with special guest Lauren Lapkus, each guest is the host of their own podcast,

and Lauren appears as a character on their show. She also co-hosts the podcast Newcomers with Nicole Byer, in which they watch all the Star Wars movies and shows for the first time. Lauren releases even more exclusive podcast episodes and videos on Patreon. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram at Lauren Lapkus. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by Fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra with

additional performance by the Times Street Brass Quintet. Opening call narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Gois. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. The MaxFunDrive is on! Thank you for everyone joining up to support the show.

Become one of them at MaximumFun.org slash join. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Like your fancy stick. That's different.

Weren't you just literally talking about the stuff? Like, you talk about that a lot. Oh yeah, you're always talking about the stuff now. The stuff is different than that stuff. Also, don't you tend to give yourself a different name? You know? Like you give yourself nicknames, right? No one?

That's a bit of a stretch, Barge. I don't hear you. Nicknames? Now you're talking about you. What are you talking about? Anyway, old Hucklebee is going to sleep. I'm going to sleep.