Mission To Zyxx - 416: Macho Libre [ft. Jerah Milligan]

Episode Date: August 7, 2020

 Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter, I-79 and CerebulonAllie Kokesh as Dar and the Lady on FireSeth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy and ElijahlouWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as Bargie, Bishou and JohnsonWith special guest Jerah Milligan as Captain Jerkins and Macho JoeEdited by Seth LindSound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Theme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic OrchestraOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. This is our final episode of the 2020 MaxFunDrive. Truly - thank you so much to everyone who has supported the show. It means the quadrant to us. Join them, join us: maximumfun.org/join

This is TH4NKU, kudos and appreciation, droid, with a quick message of thanks for the thousands of people who have supported Mission to Zix during the MaxFunDrive. It truly means the quadrant to us that you make this show possible. It's the final week of the drive, meaning you can still join these heroes of the space at MaximumFun.org slash join. In closing, we love you. Now here is an insane episode. It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Orwit.

Which looks like if an eclipse made it personal. Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2-6. Yeah, what is it? Can I ask you a question? Sure. You know, I do some mental health checks as part of my duties as protocol officer. That's a great idea. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I just looked through your father's history and... Oh, that doesn't seem... That can't be part of it, right? Well, it is. And that's not some pretty troubling stuff. Okay, well, it's my personal data pad. It's a company data pad, but it is what it is.

Hey, Black. What is it? What is it, Bargy? Hey, Plek, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I want to talk to you about the websites you've been going to recently. Now, how and why does Bargy know what websites I've been going to recently? It's very troubling. I did pass along to Bargy. Yeah, he sent me a text.

You just told her. So that wasn't part of the, okay. That wasn't just me. It was a big group threat. Hey, C-53. I just finished looking at the website that Pleklex been looking at. Yeah, it's troubling. Hoo-yay-yay-yay. Alright, listen.

Okay. AJ. AJ, look. Okay, guys. Before you all judge, there are connections between the events that are happening in this galaxy that I can't ignore anymore, okay? I think it's my job to Hey, you have a job.

I mean, I don't have a title. Wait, what's your job? My job is to connect with the space, explore the stuff, become a master of both, and bring balance to the galaxy. That's not a job. That's a hobby. Yeah. Like this blog. It's the ramblings of a crazy person.

These conspiracy theories. Listen, I don't think any of them hold water. And I don't know if this is healthy for you to be engaging in. Okay, then explain why the Federated Alliance put Beano on a planet guarded by riddles? It's like they wanted someone to find him. It's like Beano was on that planet for 400 years. That predates the Federation Alliance by centuries. Exactly.

Exactly? You're already sharing something wrong? What? Doesn't it seem suspicious to anybody else that the word for Beano and the word for all wheat in Jantawa are both Jantawa? I don't think that's... I... Listen, C-53, Chantawa. I don't think that's... I...

What do you mean a nap, buddy? Listen, C-53, I have to figure out what the all-wheat is before I go into it. Am I going to have to battle something? Am I going to be in some sort of mind prison? Do you think you're going to get the information you need from benownnew.space slash homepage slash index.html I mean, obviously, whoever writes the page

doesn't know how to just put your index in the root directory, but that's not a leaping background, GIF. Okay, they're not a web designer, whoever it is. I'm just saying the truth is out there, and I'm going to find it.

It doesn't make sense. How is it out there? You're on your search. Trust me. All right, can everyone quiet down? I'm making a phone call. Oh. Nermit Bundeloy speaking.

Go for Nermit Bundeloy. I listen to what you say, and I have some good advice. You're calling Nermit? You need to go up to the person who's been bullying you, and you tell them who you are, and that you're not going to take it anymore. Oh, Bargy, thank you so much. That is seriously good advice.

I've been, honestly, up all night thinking about what to do about that. All right, guys, I'm going to get dressed. I'll call you back later with a mission. Cool, what were you? Yeah, he was completely not wearing clothes. about that. Alright, guys, let me get... I'm gonna get dressed. I'll call you back later with a mission. Go away. Yeah, he was completely not wearing clothes. Well, usually he just wears a shirt and tie and nothing.

Captain Dore, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bundle. Oh, hey, we just called him. Hey, crew. Hey, Nermit,le. Oh, hey, we just called him. Hey, crew. Hey, Nermit. Nice clothes.

Thank you very much. Feeling better, feeling profesh, feeling respected. But here's the thing, though. When you answered earlier, you were in your office. Yeah. Are you sleeping in your office? I don't have what are called personal quarters. I guess your heat rock is in there.

Yep. No, no, no, Pluck. Do not write this off as like a normal thing. Nermit is living in his office. Yeah, they haven't given you quarters at all? No, I mean, they will. It's only been, what? Six months?

At least he has a job. Oh! AJ, that's not what a cartwheel is for. Yeah, you can have it for your own. You got it, son. Yeah. All right, Nermit. So I'm going to get to a mission, but one quick piece of business first.

Captain Dar, I got a memo that your Captain's Guild membership needs to be renewed. Renewed? Meaning it was already nude in that I already had one and now I have to get another one? Dora, are you not an officially licensed captain?

Hypothetically speaking, of course. If I had not ever heard of a captain's guild. Oh, my good dar. That was your job. That's your job.

Excuse me. See now that? There we go, AJ. What paperwork do I need to fill out? Okay, there is a fix for this. Unfortunately, the only it has to be done in person. So you're going to need to go to the Captain's Convention. Capcom.

You know what a Capcom is? I've never heard of any of this stuff before. I love Capcom. What is it? I'll explain it. It's a convention where all the captains come together and, you know, size each other up, get motivated, network, very important to network. Oh. Old captains reunite. They sell merch. You can get a signed signature.

You can do captain's cosplay as famous other captains. Oh, whoa. All right. Okay, so it just so happens that there is a Capcom going on right now that I can attend. The renewal notice came with the convention ticket information, so it's going to be fine. You can backdate it. It's going to be alright. Oh, I know who I'm going to cosplay as.

ZT7119. He was a captain of like a platoon. What did he wear? It's kind of like what I'm wearing. Cool. That's convenient. Hello, Nermit It seems your father and I have reached your answering machine Yes, you must be out doing...

Oh, what is your job again? Oh, right, you're a temporary operator Is that right? Out operating something? Yes, yes, we're so proud of that job you do that we know Anyway, that's not why we're calling Operating something. Yes, yes. We're so proud of that job you do that we know. Anyway, that's not why we're calling. We wanted to let you know about this amazing new wireless company, Mint Mobile. Nermit, it's simply incredible. If you're still using one of the big wireless providers, you have to ask yourself, what are you paying for?

Yes, because Mint Mobile provides the same premium network coverage that you're used to, but at a fraction of the cost, because everything is online. Yes, you remember the router that you had to keep fixing for us, Nimit? Well, not only have we found the power button for that, we now have a fully online wireless company. We've cut our wireless bills down to just 15 croon per month. With unlimited nationwide talk and text. You wouldn't believe how often we've been calling your sisters.

We talk all the time with each of them, which is why we haven't had time to call you. Not that it's a competition. Yes, there's no ranking system at all among the children. Well, if there were, Turban would be very high up. No, very high. He just got a promotion, I'm sure you heard. Permanent Missions Operations Manager for Ted Ronca. Ted Ronca.

How do you like that? I mean, Mr. Ronca had our vote before, but now... A man of the people. He's massively wealthy and loves law and order. Two great things. What a platform. So call us back at your convenience, Nermit, hopefully using Mint Mobile. I mean, you can choose between plans with 3, 8, or 12 gigabytes of 4G LTE data. I looked up what that means. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and keep your same phone number along with all of your existing contacts. Oh, I nearly omitted the special offer. To get your new wireless plan

for just 15 kroner a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash zix. That's mintmobile.com slash z-y-x-x. Did you hear your father, Nervous? Cut your wireless bills to 15 kroner a month at mintmobile.com slash zix. Oh, and have you heard from Mel lately? Oh, we loved Mel. Never understood her, but... A delightful young woman. All captains, please respond to Hall F. Okay, well, I guess we all have to go to Hall F now.

Just follow me. No, we're not captain crew. We actually have to go to Hall C. No, but I have to go to Hall F, so everybody should just come with me. You know, some adventures, a captain has to go on their own.

You got this. Okay. I'll come. Okay. Oh, got my hopes up there real quick. Dar, you're gonna be okay. You're a good captain.

Oh, well, you have to say that. You know, you're a good captain. Oh, well, you have to say that. You don't know any other captains. Okay, well, one small step for Dar. No, all my steps are really big. Here I go. Bye. Bye. All right, well.

Looks like Paul C. is a major hospitality suite. Yeah, it's good. Light refreshment. A place to relax, it says on right here. You low-level ragamuffins, just head right down here. Hall C, keep ahead of that one. Yeah, straggly crew, whatever you are, keep going. Have fun. I mean, the crew's not going to get any respect at Capcom.

Why don't we just hang out on Bardi, you know? I'm giving a talk, guys. Hall XW. Hall XW? 24-hour talk about showbiz, baby. Alright, see you guys later. I can't see it. It's so far down. Hall XW?

It's really far away. Mathematically, that's gotta be... That's a lot of Halls. Hall C, I guess. There's a lot of Hulse XW. Hulse C, I guess. There's a giant sign with an arrow pointing low-level ragamuffin in the air. Hey.

Yeah. You a new captain? I do, yes. I've been a Capcom for years. Oh, thank Rod. It's good to know that somebody here knows what they're doing, because apparently I have no jucking idea. Oh, listen, I know what I'm doing. But these other captains, they don't respect me because i

know what they should be doing do you peep what i'm throwing down right now oh no i've allied myself with a bad captain oh no no no no not bad i'm bad to the bone because this is the thing okay i've been out here all right decades out here just just going through saving saving civilizations lemulas saved them purikas saved them all right when you went and you said hey hey how did i get these new fresh uh uniforms my design do i get credit for it no oh I have you to thank for these lapels? Yeah, you do. That's my idea. Oh, wow. You have a cape.

I'd like a cape. Captains, the captain you are standing with will be the captain you'll be paired with for the entirety of the con. Wow, look at all those captains scattered. I mean, some of them can't get away from us fast enough. What's your name? Dar. Pleased to meet you.

What your name is? Jerkins. Captain Jerkins. Jerkins? I mean, I could tell you my origin story right now if that's what you would like to hear. Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't possibly ask you to tell me your entire origin. Captain, please begin your origin stories to each other at this moment?

Oh, well, look at that. That's perfect timing. If you don't mind, I'm going to go first. My story kind of takes a while. So, I mean, I don't know how I came to be. I just remember darkness. I remember opening my eyes and I was on a ship. Oh, we're really starting at the origin.

Oh, yeah. I want to give you like my whole beginning until right now. I feel like we got time. It's a origin. Oh, yeah. I want to give you, like, my whole beginning until right now. I feel like we got time. It's a convention. They go forever. It's weird that they don't have chairs in this room, though, right? Nah, you just press this button over here and you can float for a little bit if you want to float. You want to float around?

I mean. Yes. I'm down if you down. Yeah, yeah, I'm down. I mean, I'm up. I would like to be up. Okay, cool. Gravity Miser active.

Oh, yeah. You feel it, right. Gravity means they're active. Oh, yay! You feel it, right? Get what I'm saying. Ow! Hey, watch where you're going! Sir? You move out the way! What?

Okay, you know what, Captain Sidney? Oh, Jerkins, wait, wait. I'm going to focus on the origin story. I really want to hear that origin story. All right. One day, when I was like 13, i was walking on my dad's spaceship and i got trapped in one of the doors it like opened a little bit and then closed right in my forehead and then as it happened i started seeing things so when the door closed on your forehead from

that day forward i would dream dreams that would come true I mean, I could tell you right now, all right? I could tell you right now that a lot of my missions that I completed, I knew I was going to complete them because I had a dream about them the night before.

Totally, totally, totally. Yeah. Excuse me. Excuse me. How permanent are the partners? No trades. I'm stuck. I'm stuck with the partner being tighter.

I will not trade with you. I will not. Talk to Jurgens. Absolutely not. Suck it, Jurgens! Captain Sidney? Welcome to Hall C. Wow. Alright, I'm going to get some refreshments.

Hello? Hey, C. You kind of like scoping out the other crews, Alright, I'm gonna get some refreshments. Hello? I'm grabbing some tables. Hey, C. Yeah? Are you kind of, like, scoping out the other crews? Seeing, like, who's alpha? You know what I mean? Like, I am. No, I don't think I'm programming them the way that you are.

Yeah, but, like, I'm looking at all these other security officers. Why am I gonna take them? And I'm sure you're probably looking at, like, these other protocols. Say that again, brother? Uh, what? Say that again? brother? Uh, what? Say that again? I'm so sorry. My colleague did not mean to point at you in such an aggressive way.

Oh, I saw it ahead. He said I can take any other security. I've been waiting. I've been sitting in this hall waiting for someone to take me on. Oh, we really just got here. Let's wrestle. Wow. Should we? I mean. Yeah, come on. Oh, we really just got here. Let's wrestle. Well, should we? I mean, yeah, come on. Let's do it. I got the oil. Hold on. I got, what kind of oil do you, I got a bunch. I got, what kind of oil do you have? I got oils that you would put on a small creature. I got, do you wrestle with mommies? Thank you everyone for gathering. We're going to discuss ship-based meditation right now.

So when everyone can circle up very close to one another. We're actually, we're okay. I think we're just going to grab a seat. We're going to meditate first. Ooh, once we're done. Ooh, once we're done. We're gonna go elbow to elbow

Someone's getting pinned. Do you want to meditate before we wrestle? I feel like we actually got us on the wrong street here. Let me introduce you. I'm C53. I'm a protocol driver. This is AJ284. He's our security officer. What's up? Wait, y'all wanna go? I don't. Yeah, let's go. Yeah. We're going?

Yeah, let's go man Yeah. We're going? Yeah, let's go, man. Wait, who are you? What's your name, man? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You just don't point at a person and say, what's your name? Okay. I have to proclaim my name.

All right? All right. I was waiting for the perfect moment, but now that you put me on the spot. Oh, do you want me to just, hey, we're just hanging out. Oh, you came across Macho Joe. Oh, whoa. Yeah, there's a whole different vibe for you. It's very different. It's very different, you're right.

Yeah. But this is the con. You know, we still got to meditate, but once we're done, I'm going to toss you up and then rope you down. Oh, we'll see about that. Oh, we're going to see. No, we'll see about that. Oh, we're going to see. No, we'll see about it. Oh, we're going to see. No, that's what I'm saying.

We're going to see about it, man. We are seeing about it. Guys, guys, guys. Right. We're not going to fight in a random hall seat. We're going to meditate first, right? Yeah, we're going to meditate first. Right.

Guys, guys. They have lemonade. Not now, Flex. Captain Sidney was on my ship before, but then all of a sudden now Captain Sidney has their own ship. But it's okay. I'm not, you know, feeling left out or anything because... Oh, your tears are flowing up into the...

So I'm not feeling left out of anything because... Oh, your tears are flowing up into the... Well, Captain Jerkins, how's your convention going? I feel really good about it this year. I met this captain right here, Captain Dar. Oh. And I just feel like, you know, this is the year that, you know, the SS Johnson's going to get respect. Oh, wait, hold on there the SS Johnson is going to get respect. Oh, wait.

Hold on there. The Johnson is bigger this year. You're Captain Kirkens of the SS Johnson? Yeah, yeah. You heard about the Johnson? I mean, we got a new paint job. Okay, we changed up the outside so we're strong. It's a strong, hard Johnson that I'm talking about can go from corner to corner.

Describe the new outside of the Johnson, if you will. I'd be with Gather. So this is the thing. People kept making fun of the size of the old Johnson. So we added a couple layers on to the back. What was the issue with the size before? It was a small Johnson, okay? It was a small Johnson, but now we added a layer so it's a bigger Johnson, okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it's huge.

Jar, he just walks right into it, he says. Jerkins. This is exciting. You. He just walks right into it, he says. Jerkins. Oh, man, you guys, this is exciting. You guys are happy about... No, Jerkins, they're making fun of you. Wait, what? It's so obvious. They're all laughing.

No, I thought they were agreeing. Damn it. They do this. They do this every day. We got you again, Jerkins. Johnson's also a slang euphemism. I know what it is. Okay.

I know what it is. Okay. I know what it is. Okay. Jerkins. I don't want you to have to see this, you know. But now you got to see how everyone treats me and my ship. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Maybe I should just come and join your crew and, you know, we co-captain. We co-captain together.

No, no, no. Let's make you feel good about being the captain of your ship. You know, when you get annoyed, I tag in, and you get to take a nap, and we just combine both ships. I'm pretty happy on Bargy. You know, if you've heard of the Bargerian Jade. Wow, Bargy. Yeah. Wow.

You know, they say she speaks. Is it true? Is she talking? Of course she does. Wait, does the Johnson not speak to you? No, my Johnson does not talk to me. I mean, you knew that

almost all ships are sentient. Ooh, your face has fallen. You did not know. Snap. Snap. Snap. If you can hear me, snap right. Everyone, snap.

Excellent. Elijah, if you don't mind beginning the meditation. What we're going to do today is think deep about how we could maybe become... Meditate! Oh, wow. No, I'm with him. Get to it, Ari. Well, as you all know, meditation began thousands of years ago.

Sound change. We're going to give you the history of meditation before we begin. Yeah. Start the meditation. Okay, fine. I'll go forward. Okay, slide seven, eight, nine, two, one. Ooh, once we're done this slide, I'm telling you, you, me, and your friend.

What do I get back into this all? Now, with me, see, we, me, and your friend. We can both take him, I think. Don't close your eyes for a second, man. Oh, don't you worry about it, brother. Elijah, I don't think this is working. We have some very aggravated people in the audience. I'm seriously aggravated right now. Oh, boy, you called it. Tensions are high.

Sensing tensions are getting high. Listen, Elijah, Bishu, can you say this meditation presentation? What? Pretty bad. Oh, wow. Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm a diplomatic relations and protocol

droid, I-79. Listen, Bishu... I-79, I-79. Listen, Bashu. I-79, C-53 Protocol Diplomatic Relations Droid. I sort of seemed like you weren't able to... Do you want to go? Do you want to go? I don't fight, and also you're in some sort of blue-collar frame, which I really would prefer not to.

That's a low blow. All right, city. I'm going to be sparring. Man, that woman who's on fire is awesome. Put lemonade on it. Listen, meditation time is over. All right, tag team match. Me.

What's your name again? Louie Lou? Me? I'm AJ. No, not you. We Me. What's your name again? Louie Lou? Me? I'm AJ. No, not you. We fighting. Elijah Louie. Me, Elijah Louie.

I'm me. Tag team partners. A what? Excuse me? Versus you, Ember Shu. Tag team. Well, let's do it. Let's do it.

Hey Shu, are you in? I mean, they said we won't get paid unless we make people happy. Lady on Fire, are you into this? Lady on Fire has to be the ref. Yeah. She's just so insistent. This seems like this is going to end badly. Listen, I-79, I have disagreements about this.

Would you help me defuse the tension here? C-53, are you suggesting that we royal rumble with these four adversaries and tag in to try to take the title for ourselves? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,. Or no, to go high, because if they go low, we go high. Go for the eyes. Perfect. Oh, gosh. You know, I am peed off. I am jacked off.

Whoa! I heard that! You should be dressed up for the show! Excuse me? The funds are too small! What? Express yourself, you! Okay, we're doing the updates for the Captain Guild. Captains of the Guild, you know, it's been a good cycle. You know, we got a lot of new members.

We kicked a lot of old members out. We fought for some pay rises across the galaxy. We did some voting amongst ourselves. Kind of rearranged some of the people who were in charge. And like most guilds, it has no bearing on your daily life or career as captains. And we'd like to release out in the public now the list of the captains who will not be

continuing on this year. This year we're really just focusing on the captains who are no longer members of the guild. Yeah. Okay. Captain number one. Captain Cornwall deems his no longer in the guilt. Wow. I came as a shock to that captain.

Yeah. That's not even him. That person's just surprised. Just to be clear, he is no longer in the guild because he is deceased. This person's just super shocked. Just super, super shocked. It's going to be a while. Yep, this happens every year.

Oh, wow, it stopped. Oh, nope. Okay. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready, Macho Joe. Oh, lady on fire. I'm ready whenever you say. Oh, wait, wait.

I'm going to put some oil on to make sure I'm. Yeah, what's the deal with the oil, man? What's the deal? The oil helps you look a little stronger and also it's harder to grip a person. So you get a little bit of an advantage. Oh, I told you my plan. You gotta oil me up. He's gonna oil himself up and he's slippery

and he looks great. You're actually my opponent here, son. I don't know that I should oil you. Can you please just like shoot some oil on me? All I have is like this industrial brick and stir. High power hydraulic system. That'll do.

It's pretty thick. That's great. Shoot That'll do. It's pretty thick. That's great. Shoot it on me. Let's do this. I see it. Okay. Whoa, it smells. Yeah, it's going to smell a little bit.

But I feel good. It's very thick. Bishu, do you want oil? I don't. Shoot some on Bishu, too, just so it would be thick. Are you guilty about this? I guess. That was in my eye!

I'm sorry. This is an outtake, Val. It's meant to go in a processing facility. Ooh, before we start, we need one thing. You, lemonade boy. Me? Yeah. No, listen, I can't get involved.

You're double fisting Lemonade Boy. I was very parched. Lemonade Boy, you will be the announcer. You want me to announce this match? Yeah, you're going to announce it. You're going to be our commentator. I don't think I can do that. Just do it, brother.

Okay, okay. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the traditional tag team wrestling match here at Capcom. Well, I can see you're doing excellent. Thank you so much. Captain number 17,

Muta Gota. That was a good run. Muta, no! No, no, no. I'm out. Muta! Failure to complete assigned missions. Wait,

you can get kicked out for that? Because between you and I, I don't think we have a really complete mission. missions. Wait, you can get kicked out for that? Um, because between you and I, I don't think we ever really complete missions. Darn. How many missions have you won? How many missions have you won? You win the missions?

Jerkins, how many have you won? I mean, I'm honestly the most awarded captain. I try to solve a mission per day. Keep my average up two per day if I can. My crew is good. C-69, she can. I mean, you put C-69 out there,

trust me, she's going to make things happen. I see why you're a captain. I can't even lead us to complete most of our missions, and the ones that we do, I don't want to toot my own horn. Someone say horn? No! No! No, no, no.

Is it time? No, no, no horn! It would stand to reason that everybody's horns are shinier and prettier and bigger than mine. The telephone isn't going to play itself. They're going to play the horn.

It's traditional. Wait, you don't have a big old horn? Dirk's horn is weird. Everyone knows it. Come on. Can it bend to the left? First off, it doesn't bend. It leans to the left.

And that's just based on sometimes how you hold it. But, you know. I mean, he just walks right into it, says I. Damn it. I'm not going to say anything. Oh, don't leave, jerk. It's coming. No, no, no.

I'm out. Okay, I'm done. Sidney, screw you. Hey, Mark. Yes? Mark is a dumb name. Screw you. I don't know your name.

Screw you, too. Darn, you're cool. I'm running out of here. Well, I'm going to float down and then run up. Wait, Jerkins. I'm not a joke. I don't need you. Jerkins, wait.

Out of curiosity, how many missions have any of you all won? Hey, we don't like to speak of numbers. I'll probably go on one later and win it. None of us be good as Jerkins, but he's so thin-skinned it's always fun to get his girt. I'm coming out first.

Lemonade Boy, intro me. In this corner, weighing in at 337 pounds, oiled up from the floor up, it's Macho Joe! Oh, you came across Macho Joe. And weighing in at 225 pounds, the clone with a bone to pick, it's AJ2884. And weighing in at 3,075 pounds, it's the Silicon Uncanny Valley C53.

Let's get ready to tumble! And that's the bell. The three competitors converge in the center of the ring. Ow, that hurt. Much of Johnny J's 28, locked up. Stop playing.

And C-53 is attempting to pin both wrestlers with his arms. He's kind of pressing down on us, so let me go. Come on, you're a fool. If she let me go, I'll stop him. You let go. You let go. I'm tagging out. AJ's tagging out.

And Bijou enters the ring. Me too. Macho Joe has tagged out as well. AJ's tagging out. And Bijou enters the ring. Me too. Macho Joe has tagged out as well. And in comes Elijah Lou. Bijou is a huge bird. I don't really know how else to describe her. Get your dirty, oily feathers out of the ring, Bijou. You made fun of my slideshow.

Imagine an ice-cold circle bird to Bijou. Who writes a slideshow with Fox 5? Eight! I'm gonna wing you right in your... Did you wing slap me? Yes. I will chuck him up, I promise you this. No, I've been waiting my whole life for this.

Oh, and now, C-53 has tagged in I-79! I'm just going to stand aside during this encounter and take on the victor. Strategically a very smart move, I said. You've been my nemesis this whole time, did you? You know you've never meditated once in your life! Wow. They're just sort of laughing at each other. It seems that the two birds are sort of infighting, ignoring the droid in the ring.

I feel like I should step in as a diplomatic move rather than as a wrestling move. I'm gonna grab I-79 by the legs and hands off him. But this? Elijah Liu has picked up the droid and is swinging it at Bijou as though he was some sort of cyborg bat. I-79, tag me.

Oh! I-79 is torn off his own hand and he's throwing it to C-53 to tag him in. You can't. Oh, first round? Jurgens, Jurgens, wait. Wait, how did you get an ice cream so fast? The ice cream guy. He's just right over there. I just asked him for an ice cream, fast? The ice cream guy. He's just right over there. I just asked him for an ice cream and I got one.

It's just the... There are two of us. The ice cream guy. I was in the back. Jerkins, don't run off. Come back. You're captain. No.

I'm tired of being made fun of, okay? I'm tired of this. And you know what? I was going to tell him that today was day they were going to get assassinated. But you know what? I was going to tell them that today was the day they were going to get assassinated. But you know what? Joke's on them. Joke's on them. No, that's not a good joke.

What do you mean? They're about to be assassinated. Listen. Okay, I told you. All right? My dreams tell me when things are going to happen. Last night, I had a dream. They were all going to float out of the little window into the atmosphere.

And it's going to happen. Listen, Jerkins, I know that nobody likes you, and you give them a lot of reason not to. And honestly, you're kind of the strongest captain in the bunch. Thank you for noticing. Everybody knows because

you tell them, like, all the time. Listen, what do you want from them, like, all the time. Listen, what do you want from me? You want me to go back? You want me to save those people who made fun of me? Yeah, I want you to do that. Are you suggesting that we put the lives of those other captains who ridiculed us, who made us a joke above ourselves?

You take our pride out of it? Wow. Wait, they made fun of both of us? Yeah made us a joke above ourselves? You take our pride out of it? Wow. Wait, they made fun of both of us? Yeah, you too. I just never told you about it. I just... It doesn't change anything. We should still go. You're right. You are a wonderful captain. I... I...

I want to sit in this for so much longer. No time! Let's go. Attention, Captain's Guild. It is I, Cerebion. The Captain's Guild has thwarted me for too long. No. Especially Captain Jerkins, who is the best and most annoying amongst you. And I shall have my revenge.

For you see, I have reprogrammed this conference room's gravity mingler to send you all through the tiny window into the vacuum of space. Told you. Enjoy your final missions. All right, I'm going to make it my way to that lever over there. I'm going to pull it, and when I pull it, the door should close. But it's your job to hold them down before they get out of here. You got to hold them down.

We cannot go in there. We're going to get sucked right up to the ceiling. We need, like, anti-gravity boots or something that will keep us grounded. Wait. Wait. Ice cream, guys. Yeah, what can we help? Can you melt that ice cream?

Sure, you know. I normally try to avoid it. But would you melt that ice cream to save the captains? Oh, wow. Do you have to think about this? Really? Really? Well, I mean, if somebody comes and wants the ice cream, then we're out.

It'll be melted. We're talking about saving the captains. You know what somebody comes and wants the ice cream, then we're out. It'll be melted. We're talking about saving the captain's life. You know what? Just give me the ice cream. Okay. Okay, Dar. We put the ice cream on our feet. The ice cream will help us stick to the ground.

Oh, and if we added caramel and maybe chocolate sauce. Yes, some chocolate sauce. Oh, no. You want toppings? Yes. I'm going to put sprinkles because you know what? Why not if you're going for all the toppings? It feels really nice.

A little crunch underneath the toesies. All right. We're going to do this. I'm making my way over to the lever. Okay. Oh, man. That suction is really heavy. Do you want napkins or?

Not yet. You want a receipt? Get out of here. You're going to get sucked out in this place. I'm cold, man. You want a receipt? Get out of here. You're going to get sucked out in this place. Hold it. Ow! Ow! We're saved!

We only lost one ice cream guy. Which one was it? Walter! Sometimes it casualties a war. I never asked for this. Wow! It is a match for the agents, folks. Here we are at round three. Hopefully we'll see some clean, skilled wrestling.

It's time for the flip-ferno! Wait, what's a flip-ferno? That's when we're all in there, brother. Yeah, flip-ferno is when all the combatants enter the ring at the same time. Wait, that's allowed? That's right. Let's get in there.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a full-on flirt-ferno. All wrestlers are in the ring fighting at once. I can't believe it. This never happens. This never happens. All of the wrestlers are simultaneously slapping, scratching, pecking, throwing, lifting, squishing. You know, I understand that I'm the one who suggested this tournament, continuously slapping, scratching, pecking, throwing, lifting, squishing. You know, I understand that I'm the one who suggested this tournament, but I feel like maybe we should have a moment to just... Oh, Bishop just clotheslined him.

Just nibbled at him so much. I hate birds. He made him more appealing as a target of attack. I'll point this on myself. See, this oil is corroding my armor. Yeah, listen, I can't do it on you, buddy. I'm sorry. I'm just going to pin you real quick. See, you're down.

Oh, oh. Pinning AJ2884. Oh, ow. C620, your hydraulic is stuck in the lower position. What's wrong? He's seizing up. Nope. His forklift arms are not working.

It's as though he lacks the lubrication to move them. I used up all my oil. I can't get out of this. Is that it? Macho Joe now climbing into the driver's seat of Z53. Turning levers going up. What's happening? I'm pinning him.

Dog power. Avenge me, I-79. No. I might be a meditation instructor, but I know a fused hydraulic is not good for a droid in a wrestling match. Shut up. Oh, no. Oh, my cloaca. Whoa.

Wow, are we moving? That's a low- How would you do that? I didn't mean to. What did you do to Elijah? How dare you? Wait, we're in the same team. It's mayhem out there, people.

So many chairs. Yeah, but Lady on Fire keeps throwing folding chairs into the ring. Is this part of the flirt data? Lady on Fire, tell us. Kill each other! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Killing each other is the only way to end the match? AJ, the only way you can safely end the match is if everyone's knocked unconscious.

Everyone counts as pinned and the match is over. Competitors, I believe I may have a solution. Oh no, I-79 has produced a small device that is blinking. I do have this kinetic stun beacon, which is only to be used in extreme diplomatic circumstances, but it may serve the purpose. I apologize in advance. Rock on, sock on, robot! He's pushing the button!

No! No! No! No! It hurts! It hurts more than it does! I hate conventions. A strobe where I can feel you in skeleton.

The only person who's up is the lady. One, two, three. Macho Joe ain't so macho no more. Captain Jerkins, you saved us all. And the bylaws clearly state that if a captain saves all of the other captains from an assassination attempt, that captain is promoted to guild president. Hey! Ha ha ha ha!

Yay! Oh, man. Darya, I just want to say thank you for helping me find my courage. Thanks, captain. No, thank you, captain. No, thank you, captain. Oh, sorry, I just got my first piece of paperwork.

Ha ha ha! Oh. Daria, your dues. Have you never paid dues? There are dues? What? What?

What? No, no. Not you. What? Not you, Daria. What? What? Welcome back, brothers and sisters. That was the real meditation for Meditation Joe. Wait, what? What the jock?

What do you mean? You all feel relaxed. You had a nap. You're welcome. Wait, so this was entirely part of the meditation? Oh, yeah, brother. What about the contracts we signed? What were those?

Those were actually acceptance forms. So you would accept what was going to happen in the meditation. It was labeled dismemberment waiver. That was weird. Wait, so you're telling me that me getting all my rage out and then going to sleep is basically meditation? That's all meditation is, brother. All right. The thing about meditation is you got to get your anger out.

You got to get your passion out. Then you got to get knocked out. What about the vomiting? Oh, that's on you, brother. Oh, okay. Yeah. Wow. Meditation Joe,

thank you. And thank you, Lady on Fire. Namaste! Hey, Johnson? Johnson? Johnson? Johnson? Yes. What? What? What?

25 years! And you can talk the whole time? The whole time. What? Back to science. Johnson! No one's going to believe me. Johnson!

Johnson! Johnson! Johnson, you don't... Johnson, if you come back, I will tell everybody that you are the hero of every mission. Take me over there!

Right security officer fire lady! This is SeaRod IT5. Credits and attributions joined commencing Outdoor Protocol. Plek Deck Setter I-, and the surviving ice cream guy were played by Alden Ford. C53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar and the Lady on Fire were played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Ship and Bijou were played by Mujan Zulfagari.

T-Mom, Nurm Bundeloy, Elijah Liu, and Walter the Ice Cream Guy may he rest in peace were played by Seth Lind. AJ and Captain Tealbeard, the pirate captain, were played by Winston Null. Captain Jerkins and Macho Joe were played by special guest Jara Milligan. Jara is a co-creator and co-star of the Netflix sketch series Astronomy Club. He is also a co-host of Black Men Can Jump in Hollywood, a comedy podcast that reviews films with leading actors of color. His acting credits include Black Mirror, Blue Bloods, Broad City, and Alternatino. And his directing credits include

Desi Zemiro on Showtime and MTV After Hours. Follow him on Twitter at Jerrah Milligan. This episode was edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by Fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. The additional performance by the Chime Street Brass Quintet. Opening con narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Huge thanks to everyone supporting us during the MaxFunDrive. Join them and us at MaximumFun.org slash join. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Audience supported. Seth, we actually did need you while you were gone. Is everything okay? Yeah, I had to kill a giant, a really big cockroach. Okay. Welcome back. Welcome to Brooklyn, baby. Welcome back to New York. Welcome.

Thanks. My pit bull would not do it. My pit bull ran away from the cockroach. And so I normally catch and away from the cockroach. I normally catch and release them off the balcony, but this was, I needed to be fast, so I did. I killed it. You had to do what you had to do.

Some podcasts are worth taking a life for.