Mission To Zyxx - 417: The Daming of the Crew [ft. Alise Morales]

Episode Date: August 21, 2020

The crew is deployed to meet the last surviving member of the Memorex species. Pleck gets a job. Dar confronts their past. Dar confronts their past. AJ hates this so much.Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut BundaloyWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and Seesu GunduWith special guest Alise Morales as Dame Adelaide WigglesEdited by Seth LindSound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Theme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic OrchestraOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Orwht. Which looks like an enormous interdimensional eye with conjunctivitis. Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2-6. I'm sorry. Hey, Fleck? Uh, yeah? What is it, Captain? What is it that you're doing right now? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. I'm just putting a little shrimp on all of the surfaces of the ship.

Yeah, like the fridge. On top of the fridge, there's about 20. Yes, a couple dozen shrimp. The thing is, I'm trying to summon Two. You remember Two from The Singularity? Oh, I see. So you're leaving. He showed up when we were talking about shrimp. So I think if I just cover the ship in shrimp, then that will sort of bring him to us and he can finally answer some questions that I am very interested in knowing the answers to. First of all, what is Two's relationship with Beano?

And if Beano and Two know each other, how old is Two and how old is Beano? Cluck, you've got to stop it. You've got to stop this right now. You don't have time to... You just slapped a tray of shrimp out of my hands. Well, you don't have time to be throwing shrimp around, Bargy. You have to take responsibility because today you are

second lieutenant. I am? Yep, I just said it, so it's a fact and it's that's a thing. That's a thing now. You're second lieutenant. Congrats. Congratulations to your family. Have a job. Yeah. Congrats. Congratulations. Now you finally have a job.

Oh, wow. Can I finish putting the shrimp out or do I have other? Please take those away. Okay. Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from temporary emergency. I'm a serial negotiations missions operations manager. I'm a cop to the way. Hey, Nermy.

How's it going? Hey, guys. No, horse hat. You know horse hat. Horse hat's with Nermit, you know, right now. Mm-hmm. Hey, crew, I'm just holding Horsehat back. He's got that big red hang-up button. It just looks so... You can't let Horsehat play with your communicator like that.

I can't stop Horsehat from doing anything. That's true. Horsehat, good, good, good, good, good. I mean, Horsehat doesn't have to sit in your lap at work, though, right? I thought this was like a bonding thing. I'm a little concerned about your legs. Can you feel anything down there? I think I'm only a head and a shoulder.

That's not right. Nermit, does Horsehat have a mission for us or what? No, Horsehat doesn't. Okay. I love that. Oh, the baby's giving missions now? Okay. Oh, but the mission sounds so cute

when Horace gives us the mission. Fun ice cream? I have, uh, no. Don't, don't, don't grab that. That's the missioneer in her bed. Yes, yes, everything's fine. Hi, Sisu Gundu, running for galactic leader. Uh, right, I, yep.

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hi there. Nermin, can you stop whatever it is that you're doing and immediately just follow me? My 1,700-pound child is pretty much running the show right now. I love how we have parent-children day. What? Let it... Okay, I'm a mother. I know what to do.

Oh, thank you. Do you know how to get a horse hat down from this drain pipe? My family used to use a lullaby that put all of us to sleep. Horse hat, you are sleeping. Think of success. The only way is up. Oh, wow. They dropped right

down. They're taking a nap. Wow. Okay, so I was about to sign the old mission here. Yeah, so I'm overriding whatever it is that you're doing. Oh. Nermit, as you know, the poll numbers have been coming in, and despite the fact that I am overqualified, I'm an expert on practically everything, and I'm being humble about it. It's just a fact. I'm not showing off.

I just studied very hard and spent a lot of my life rising to the top. And what's wrong with that? My poll numbers are not doing well. It seems that people would rather get a drink with honky-tonk ronka. You know what I mean? Yeah. And all the sick freaks out there are apparently a huge voting bloc, and they're all wanting it sticky with IQQ.

This is a problem. So, we need to go speak to the Dame. The Dame. This is an important mission. It will get us to finally understand what is it about the past that has made the future so jacked up and what we can do to change it. Wait, the Dame, the past? You don't mean Dame Adelaide Wiggles.

Wiggles, wow. Dame Adelaide Wiggles. Wow. We have access to Dame Adelaide Wiggles. We have access. Amazing. Well, I'm going to go get on my tightest pants. Oh, okay.

Wait, sorry, are those not your tightest pants, Sisu? Nope, horse hat's up. All right, we'll see you later, Nermit. I hope so. I love your hat. C-3-3, who is Dame Adelaide Wiggles? You don't know the dame? She's great.

I would say. I hardly need to explain, but clearly I do for you and almost certainly AJ. Huh? Yeah. Dame Adelaide Wiggles is both the longest-lived and the only surviving scion of the Memorex people. Memorex? Yes. They have perfect memories.

Flawless reproductions in their minds of historical events. We are arguably the only people who can be trusted to faithfully recount the history of the galaxy. That's incredible. I didn't even know these people existed. Well, they barely do. There's one left. No, just Dean Adler. Yeah.

She's quite old, but boy, what a memory. Yeah. How is Cece. Boy, what a memory. Yeah. How is Sisu going to get into tighter pants? Ah! Awaken, Gonzaloas. Awaken. Your cryoliers. Awaken. Your cryo slumber is over. Finally, we embark on the last leg of our voyage.

A voyage into the old wheat itself. Yes, yes, we have heard the rumors of an imminent plan to thwart our beloved and merciless Gunthbein. But that caper will not prevail, because nothing can contain a super-mad black hole that's on fire. Now, to ready yourself to be gloriously consumed, please notice the small drawer that is opening in your part. Take the earbuds you see therein and place them in your ears. Listen to that. These are no ordinary listening devices, dear zealot.

These are Raycon earbuds. Whether you're working from home, working on your fitness, or in our case, enduring your final days as a being separate from your beloved destroyer, you want what you're listening to to be what you're listening to, not whatever impious hollow your roommate is blasting. Stop. I know what you're thinking. Bundle leader, did you spend all of our precious all-weed tribute on earbuds? No. For Raycon, earbuds start at just half the price of other premium wireless earbuds on the market, but sound just as amazing. Plus, we received 15% off our order at buyraycon.com slash zix.

That's buyraycon.com slash zix. Why have we provided these to you? Well, for the remainder of your journey, you will hear nothing but three hundred thirty-six uninterrupted hours of the divine meditative hum of the Orwit itself. Commander Gundu, it's a real honor to have you on a mission with us today. Absolutely. Plac Dexeter, I heard that you now have a new title. Oh, really? When did you hear that?

Your captain, Dar. I told her, obviously. Second Lieutenant. That is an honor. I've known many in my day. You know, he kind of answers to me. I kind of give the orders. AJ. That's actually not true.

Sorry, I have to take a call, but I am focusing and I am walking. AJ, why don't you go check the perimeter? Check the perimeter. Let's keep our heads in a swivel. There's a perimeter out there. I've got to be honest. I sort of imagine that we could all state would be in such great condition. You mean better than crumbling and falling to the ground?

Yeah, I was trying to put it more technically, but exactly, yeah. Hey, I just did a perimeter. This house is, like, falling apart. It kind of sucks. Thank you, AJ. Thank you. Okay, perimeter is down. It is beautiful, though, right?

I mean, you know, in a sort of... Yeah, exactly. All right, we've reached the front door. I am supposed to give a poem for the door to open. Hmm. I mean, it's fallen down, so we could just cross the threshold. I believe in protocol. Oh, sure.

I have to respect it. Mm-hmm. I am but a tiny seed from which I fly endlessly. Open thy door and let me in. My name is Sisu Gundu. Oh, you wrote the poem. At the beginning I thought...

Okay, never mind. Welcome, Miss Sisu. A tiny seed you are. Dame Wiggles, it is an honor to meet you. Where are you? I don't see you. Do you see the shadow? I don't.

At the top of the circuit? Oh, okay, hello. I've been expecting you. Really? Oh. How's that possible? I always wake up expecting someone. That way I'm never surprised.

Also, I made an appointment online. Oh, yeah, that's... I assume you're here for my memories. I would be correct. We're just cutting right to the chase. And are you not intimidated by the beauty of my opulent mansion?

Oh, yeah. We were actually just talking about that. Have you ever seen such splendor? No, we've never seen anything like this. No. Dame Wiggles, it must take a lot of work to keep a manor this large in good shape. Oh, yes, but my little helpers tend to that. Where are my little helpers? Helpers! Helpers!

Get to camping! It's just these mice. Yes, indeed. Explains why a lot of the structural problems are being addressed. If anybody wants to know what the smell is, there's a couple of little helpers that may not have made it. No, no, no.

I'm sorry, everybody. I need to take this other call right now. It's very important. But I will be back, and I am focused, and I am ready to learn about what in the past has caused the future to be the way it is. Okay. She's been taking calls the entire time.

Isn't she the one who's supposed to... We're going to get the information that she wants. And she came back just to tell us she had to stay on the call? Quicks, quicks, quicks, we're taking it. I'm not going to vote for her, but I don't know. Wait, her numbers are low, though. Quicks, quicks, she's too ambitious.

Quicks, quicks, quicks, quicks. So, Dame Wiggles, have you lived here in the manor your whole life? Yeah, were you two-domainer born? What? What a question. And what a history there is to answer such a question.

She's thinking out a little dagger. Oh! Now this is a man. Yeah, this is opulent. What is happening? Where are we? Adelaide, my sweet child, would you like your coffee out on the terrace or in the bath?

There I am. Wow, that... You've traveled back in one of my memories, and there I am as but a young girl. But she looks the same.. She looks the same. Please, Mama, I'll take everything in the bath. That's me. Jane Wiggles, this is one of your memories? It is indeed.

One of my most precious. Keep watching. Okay. Okay. Okay. Of course, my little darling daughter. But before we do, let us say goodbye to your dear papa as he goes off to war. Goodbye, papa. As you can see. I'm going off to war.

My papa was going to war. Kill the enemy. Oh, boy. And hopefully not break him myself. Oh. Goodbye. What a brave man you are, Lysula. Wait a minute.

Lysula Wiggles? Yes. All right. This is the War of the Tender Sheen of Muggerks. This was 400 years ago. It is indeed. This actually wasn't the last time I saw him. He was in a commander's position,

ultimately kept far away from the fighting. Oh, so he survived the war. Oh, oh, yes, yes. So why are we in this memory? In our time we'll be in a bunker. Deep inside another bunker. I mean, I guess my question is, how do we get out of this? That's a good question.

Dame Wiggles, how do we leave? Oh, never you mind that. Oh, okay, so you just hit the old stick on the ground and then we go back to the present. Yeah. Happy memories. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Dust to go, stick to return.

It's actually quite easy. Interesting. Yeah. But the stick, you can't use the stick to go. Oh the stick, you can't use the stick to go. Oh, no, you could never use the stick to go, you ridiculous boy. Oh, sorry. Okay. You know, many years ago, you'd get killed for a question like that.

Foolishness. She's actually not wrong about that. I mean, I wouldn't mind seeing that. Oh, well. And here we have an execution. What did he do? Wow, you're there. You're operating the guillotine.

Oh, yeah. If only I hadn't asked that innocent question. That was my first job as an adolescent, manning this guillotine. as an adolescent manning this guillotine. Adolescent guillotine. Hey, you really, I mean, I guess I should say, Dame Williams, you haven't aged a day since this memory. Thank you.

The blade is rather dull if you can stroke it. Oh. Oh. Hey, look. Look, I can put my hand through his body because we're not actually here. AJ, that's rude. That's rude. Whoa, he's weird. Ouch! That's weird. Whoa, he can feel that.

Oh, no, it does harm him in real life. It does. It actually, the very, it's an interesting bit of magic, but you have hurt him badly. Oh. Still alive, though. Quiet.

You? So we can also interact with your memories. Certainly. He'll spend the rest of his life wondering what happened to him that day, and he will never know. He's literally, there's a game halfway through his next one. Well, his final moments are filled with questions then, aren't they? This makes no sense.

Poor guy. Where did he come from? I don't know what you're talking about. Another innocent question. Stop poking your hand in there. Anyway, I eventually quit this job. I think I need to quit this foreign job. Yeah, good call.

Don't quit before I'm dead. The hours were unbelievable. The hours were ridiculous. Morning, noon, and night. It was absolutely exhausting. So I totally get what we learned by coming to this part. The dangers of asking innocent questions. Yeah.

Yeah, like summer jobs suck too, right? I guess that's part of it. Absolutely. Most of them are pretty good. Pretty gory way to learn that lesson, I think. Is there something else you wanted? I thought you wanted to see an execution. I can show you another one.

Oh, I didn't. No, actually, we didn't. I can show you another one. This one was one of my favorites, and I didn't even do this one. Take the eagle. Put it in his average. Oh, I don't like this. And do you know what he did? I have no idea.

He did a ridiculous dance at an inappropriate time. Flex, show her your dance. Oh, just a little. Was it like this? Was it like this dance? Some boy's dancing inappropriately! No, this is a memory. They can see us. Well, normally we just observe the memories,

but if you dance around like an idiot, you're bound to draw some attention. No, do the stick thing. Do the stick. Use the stick. What? Skip now? Put his leg in the bottom. If you insist. Put mayonnaise on his leg.

Where'd the leg go? We wanted his leg sandwich. Oh no, I brought him. I brought him. What? I brought him. Hold on, hold on. Am I still eating his leg to death?

What's happening? Because they were eating him like a sandwich. We used to do that. Used to? It's going to be very confusing for this guy. Servants, my little helpers. Take him and explain to him everything that's happened. Oh, so this is a future, isn't it?

It is. All right, checking in. Sorry, crew, I'm in the middle of doing 20 things at once. Again, thank you so much for bearing with me. Day, I am ready. You know, Sisu, actually, we've been in a couple memories already. Yeah. Pretty intense.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Also, that guy is from one of the memories. Oh. It's making more sense now. Okay. Good, good. Wow. Real progressive, old-timey guy. Hi, Sisu Gundu, nominee for galactic leader. Nice to meet you. This data pad is weird.

Are you a registered voter? A what? Okay. Listen, Dean Wiggles, these memories have been great, but could we maybe try going to a memory that would be a little more relevant to Sisu's, you know, mission? Absolutely! Absolutely! Welcome! All right, so, Sisu Sue this is a memory

oh sorry I'm in the middle of seven conference calls right now just keep doing what you're doing I'm observing now this is one of my most favorite memories where I had the most delightful set of biscuits oh that's nice Okay. Oh.

That's nice. Oh. This looks like sort of like a craft services table. Mm-hmm. How is visiting the scent of a hollow going to help Sisu? That's a bargy. That's Margie. Margie looks great. There's chrome everywhere.

There's velvet on the loading dock. Got a real twinkle on her edge. I have some questions about the script, okay? Is anyone available to talk to me about it? I'm Margie. Yeah, sure, no problem. This is the big scene with you and the dame. It's going to be good.

Here's the thing. I don't think my character would act this way. You know? I don't believe in it. Oh, see, here's the thing. It doesn't matter what you think, because I wrote it, and you're in it. How dare you? Wait, here's a question. Is there, like, a crew of us inside of Bargy? No, this is many, many... No, this is a very

old memory. This is decades before we joined the crew. Oh, okay. Because, I don't know. It feels like everything's up for grabs. Dame Wiggles, what's the name of the film? It's just housing those biscuits. Two points so far.

The name of the film was Ship Please. Ship Please! Of course I know! You were in Ship Please? Ship Please! You were in Ship Please? Yes, I was. Yes, I was. Wait, but there's no Dame

Wiggles in the credits of Ship Please. That's because I performed under my stage name. Of course. Mm-hmm. Joan Crawford. Joan Crawford. So this scene is a wonderful scene in the film where Dane Wiggles of course Joan as we know her

is testing your doorbell hi Joan nice to meet you my name is the Bajarian Jane oh we should have introduced you sorry wait so who are they talking which one are we talking to are we talking to?

Are we talking to the one that's the old one, or the old... This is going to be kind of a difficult time for you in general, but we're back in this memory with Dane Adelaide Wiggles, the one we met in the manor, but there's another Adelaide Wiggles, and she's doing the scene with Barge. Does that make sense?

Can I be honest with you guys? I hate this. I hate this. It's confusing confusing to me and I don't like Timey Wimey stuff Well I don't think it's Timey Wimey AJ It's just a memory It's more like a fishbowl It's confusing

Hold for room tone Holding for room tone And this is where I blew it Oh no Oh no I couldn't stop eating those cookies And this is where I blew it. Oh, no. Oh, no. I couldn't stop eating those cookies, and I was crunch, crunch, crunching through room tone, and that's why Ship Please is my first and last film.

I was going to say, I... Wow. But this is still one of your favorite memories? The biscuits were that good. And I remember them vividly to this day. Well, you're eating one right now. Yes, that's why I come back to this memory. It's decent.

Wait, hold on. So you can eat the food in the memories and you taste them past you? No, current you taste the... Current me tastes the past cookies. It's okay. I have a question. The more you come back, are there fewer biscuits on the plate because you've been eating them as present you traveling back to the memory? That is a question for another day

yeah i don't i'm sorry i gotta just take a back seat you know no you're the second lieutenant ask all the stupid questions you want Did you see Sisu? Sisu? Where is Sisu? Last I saw, she was on a call by the carousel in the memory? Hold on a second. So we are traveling. If we can

leave Sisu in a memory, we're effectively traveling back in time. Oh, yes. Oh, Sisu, I've never heard of her before. Don't you trouble your pretty little head about it. I have to say no politics, but I've never heard of Sisu. Oh, no.

We've left her in the memory. She's ceased to exist. AJ, you're not going to like this. I know you hate timey-wimey stuff. What? What happened? We left Sisu in the memory. And in fact, only exists now in the past. But how do we know about it?

The mice don't know, but we... We were there. We were there with her. Right. They were there with us. My head hurts. And honestly, it would just be completely insane for us not to know who Sisu is anymore. We wouldn't have been here in the first place. Dame Wiggles, we have to return to that memory on the set of Ship, please.

We have to remember that memory or travel back. What are we? I, it's fine. He's not the first person to break down in Wiggles' manner. Over some memory hopping, I assure you. Maybe there was nothing... No, no, no! Are we sure? Yeah, no, no, no.

Are we sure? No doubt., no, no. Are we sure? No doubt. It's a fun one. I'm wearing a hilarious hat. Let's do it. No! See, look at my little hat. I can't handle it.

I can't handle it, Day Wiggles. No, you can't do it again. My brother's in one of your memories. You gotta forgive us, Allie. Our friend's having a real rough day today with this. Oh, he's not the first one to have a mental breakdown. No, no, don't take this. Don't take this.

Don't take this. We're about to see a memory of a memory. Wait, how is that possible? Oh, and this one's fun, too. This one, I've got the most delightful little ring. Wait, so now there's, just to be clear here, so there's you and the Adelaide Wiggles we met, there's the Adelaide Wiggles in the memory we were just in

who took us in memory, and now there's the Adelaide Wiggles whose memory we're currently watching. And we're back on the set of Ship, Please. My nose is bleeding. But you can tell which one I am because I don't have the hat or the ring and I'm not eating biscuits.

You are eating a biscuit right now? Well, yes. I had to have one. If we're going to be back here again, I had to have one. Wait, please. We're going to start this scene again. Wait, wait.

Sisu's directing. She got those pants with the jokers and the bag of... Bargy, I loved what you did in the last scene, Wait, wait, Cece's directing. Bargy, I loved what you did in the last scene, but I feel like you weren't exactly there. You know what I mean? I want you to go inside and find the child Bargy within and use it in your acting.

Does that sound good to you, Bargy? Yeah. Are you sure you want us to take her back? She's really making the film better. Hey, can we get some tighter pants on the extras? Everyone do lunches. We're doing lunches for five minutes. Sorry, if you want to speak to me, you need to speak to my assistant. Thank you. Wait, Sisu, why are you directing this shit, please?

Yes, to be a director is such a story, right? It starts at the beginning, which is the director earlier this afternoon had a mental breakdown because there were no more tiny little cookies. So if no one's going to do anything, I'm going to take over and use my artistic integrity to make this piece even better. Wow. Now which union are you from?

I mean, what? It's us, your crew. Oh, the union crew. Yes, we'll definitely be having a beautiful, smart energy. This is the same day as the memory before, but she doesn't remember us anymore. Wait, what? That doesn't even make sense, knowing it doesn't make sense. Wait, I know how we're going to get her back.

AJ, take off your helmet. Hey, Sisu? Yes, hi. Have you met my friend here? Oh, hello. Hey there. I? Yes, hi. Have you met my friend here? Oh, hello. Hey there. I'm sorry, beef. Sorry about my nose.

Are you in a... Are you a... Are you an actor? I'm sorry, I... You look so familiar, but I don't know... She seems into me, but I don't want it to be like this. You got this, AJ. Keep going.

AJ, give it all you got. That's a direct order. Sir, yes, sir. Listen, you don't belong here. None of us do. And if you know what's good for you, you'll come back with us. What's he doing with his voice? To where you belong.

What is his voice? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, but it's really compelling. I'm so into it. I think we can go back now. Yeah, Dame Wiggles. We could perhaps request a stick.

All right. Sisu. Sisu, are you all right? Yes, sorry. I have a bit of a migraine. I guess that's what happens when you go to the few... I'm sorry. What year is it? What's happening? Who am I?

Are you Sisu Good? Are you our leader of the galaxy? Of course, yes. We're your favorite crew. We're your favorite crew. Yeah, most successful. Wow, yes. Oh, most successful. Wow. Yes. Oh, AJ.

All right. AJ, maybe. Perfectly natural. Wow. Dame, I... That was so many things. Dame Wiggles, what... You're welcome.

Can you explain what just happened? Well, if it wasn't obvious already, we have been traveling through time. We left Miss Sisu back in one of my memories. If you spend too much time in one of the memories, you start to get folded into the memories. And that, my dears, is what you've been experiencing. You know,

time travel explanations are never satisfying. But these feel less satisfying than most, honestly. These feel, like, made up. Yeah. Well, I have to thank you. I've never felt such respect as I

did in that moment, being in charge of Ship Please, which, wow, I'm just checking up on one of my tablets right now, and the rating of Ship Please went from one and a half stars to three and a half stars. Wow, so that's going to change things for Bargy, isn't it? Also, it says co-directed by Cece Garton. That's me. I thought you got folded into the memory. She did.

She did. And now she's back. As a reward for traveling through time and space, I will now give you... A reward? Sisu gets a reward. What's the reward? AJ, what are the rules? I'm scared.

I'm going to take him outside for a couple minutes. It's a fresh air. It's a new rule. It's happened many times before. I've seen it. I'm sorry. I have a call. I apologize.

I have another call. So y'all just. Sisu, just pay attention to this part. This is important. You know what is very important also is trying to unify a galaxy. Who is that call with? You literally just- Peter, let's talk about-

Plek, Plek, please. Plek, she's your boss. I am the second lieutenant on this ship, and I will- All right, I have to strip you of your title. You're done. What? You don't yell at Sisu. Okay, all right.

Team Wiggles, you had a reward. Anyway, I was going to give you this delightful ring. I stole it from my memory when I remembered it. Yeah, the tiny ring. My little tiny ring. Isn't it adorable? It's very cute. Wait, hold on, hold on.

If you stole the ring from the memory, then the other you that traveled back with the guy whose brother got stuck, she wouldn't say, look at the cute ring I'm wearing. And also, we wouldn't be able to tell the difference between you with the ring and you without the ring in the time we went back to that memory the second time. Oh, my nose is bleeding. This doesn't make sense. How would we ever be able to?

Enjoy the little ring well i've had a great time and i'm not gonna question time travel at all but uh now that's just the two of us i do have a favor to ask. Anything, my dear. I'm starting to regret stripping Plek of his title. I just gave it to him, and I feel like he was starting to click back into the crew. Could we just go back, like, five minutes? Like, five minutes? Yeah.

Five minutes? Okay. Yeah, no problem. Dust in the basement. Happened many times. I'm sorry. I have a call. I apologize. I have another call. Okay, now, at what point can I interact with my past self and change the future?

You can do it now. Once you make the choice to jump in, you're in, baby. Okay, so I can just run in there and tackle myself. I'll see ya. It's fine. Don't say it to her! Alright, I have to strip you of your... Oh.

There's... Excuse me, get off of me. No, no, no, this is important. You're about to make a grave error. Don. Is it too dark? I mean, it could be, this is important. You're about to make a grave error. Don! Is it two Dars? I mean, it could be Dar and Horsat. They both have Dar's voice?

Oh, that's a good point. I only gave it to him like 30 minutes ago. Dar, Dar, what's happening? I'm trying to fix something right now. But I feel like he really overreached there. I mean, yeah, watching it again, I'm like, Am I crazy or are they really vibing? Am I crazy, but are we really vibing? Am I crazy

but are we really vibing? We are really vibing right now. Oh boy. Okay. Listen, there's two Dars now. Yes. Hey, Dar. Hi. Hey, Dar. Sup. Is everything okay?

What happened? Everything's pretty much normal. Okay. Um, there are two darts. What is the rule of the day? Wait, hold on. AJ, isn't this what you've been training for? This is a classic time loop.

You love time loops. I've been training because it's bad. I'm preparing for them because I hate them. You don't train for stuff that is fun. Like, why would you? I'm leaving. I'm leaving. Well, I'll be outside.

That was to be expected. Okay. Yeah. Team Wiggles, we really thank you for this experience. It's been eye-opening. But we never really learned what the past is supposed to teach us about the present. You know, we were supposed to bring some sort of lesson back to Sisu.

You know, where is Sisu? Gang, good news. I figured it out. Everything is perfect. Thank you, Dame. Everything you said came quite clear. I've definitely learned my lesson of how to move ahead in this election. You're quite welcome.

Correct, everybody? I guess, what did you learn, Sisu? Well, Second Lieutenant Platt, I've learned it at the end of the day. No matter what, through thick and thin, it's all about

keeping it tight. And gang, I think I've kept it very tight. You love that. And dame, Wiggles, I know you only have five more minutes left of your life

because that is the natural progression of your species. That can't be. Indeed I do. Five minutes. Five minutes? Nice. And what five minutes it shall be, all of us together? Is there any final memory that you'd like to take us?

Oh, well, I suppose there is. Wait, why am I What happened? Why am I in this memory? Wait, why is AJ here? I just thought it would be fun to bring him along I just thought it would be fun Wait

Wait Hey, Plank Hold on a second Plank, does this look familiar to you? Yeah, this place Hey, Plek. Hold on a second. Plek, does this look familiar to you? Yeah, this place. I've been here before. Wait a second. This is Flurp.

Look over there. That's us. Back when we were working for the Federated Alliance. Dean Wiggles, were you here when we met with the Kula? Yes, I was. I was right over there. Look. This was the day that i lost my delicate

little opera gloves and you can see me right over there and i'm looking for them all over the place there was such lovely lace that i never once found them again look look it's me oh my god remember those koozies that we had that we gave out to everybody? Oh, right. As if that was something that anyone wanted. Hey, guys, I just want to clarify that I am paying attention, but I'm also writing my novel and a speech, and I have seven conversations going on in my earpiece. So I'm paying attention, though.

Darcy. Potions, let's break through the clutter oh darn you know listen i thought about i've thought about this a lot i've always i've always really owed you a real apology for shooting you oh boy it's gonna happen oh no i was so startled by the gunshot yeah flex shotck shot me. Shot me good. Darn. Getting back up.

Why aren't we getting back up? One of us getting back up. Oh, well, this is the part where I found a napkin that I thought was one of my little gloves. And so I wasn't really paying attention to what happened here because I was so excited and then it turned out to be a napkin if you can believe it. Hold on. This is all wrong. Dar isn't following us. Dar got

on the ship with us. We all left. We were running back to the ship. It was chaotic. Plek missed. Plek shot me right here near my brain. Just left the brain. And then of course you know as we were running i oh wait a second i died what i died no no you got on the ship with us and then we went off and and we talked to nermin yeah darren's video of you getting shot you can't

fake that that was on the cube of a Federated Alliance sanction. Do you have actual proof of me getting shot and then getting up, or just that I was shot and then later you saw me? I don't have that file. This doesn't make any sense. Well, you know, I'm just a little old lady with only five minutes to live. Three minutes to live. I think I know what I have to do. No, you can't do this.

I have to. Oh, wow, it's sensual. AJ, this is going to be a strange order, but I'm your captain and I need you to take out your butt gun and shoot me. Okay, no question here. Let's do it. Not just anywhere. I need it to be in a specific, non-lethal spot, left of my brain. Right here? Uh-huh. You got it.

Dar, no, Dar, come back! No, let Dar go. I mean that Dar. I'm going to stay right here. That Dar is going to get on bargy with all of you right now. Wait a second. So if that Dar got onto the ship with us, that's the Dar that has been with us this whole time.

Dar, that's you. You're that Dar from before. Oh, my nose is bleeding. Oh, no, now everyone's nose is bleeding. Ah, this sucks ass. All right, all right, it's time to go. Oh. Dar, are you okay? I think I'm okay.

It was really hard to see me go, but I love to watch me walk away. Wow. All right, now let's leave a sec, Dar. That's beautiful. Wait a second. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Dar, why don't you remember doing that? Dame Wiggles?

Yes? I believe you mentioned that somebody left behind a memory would adapt to that timeline, thus their memory of the future would dissipate within moments. So, darn my guesses, you lost your memory of the future when we left you in the past. Hey guys,

what did I miss? I just mind-wiped myself. Perfect. Then great, nothing at all. This is Dame Wiggles. Oh, hi. Hello.

I'm about to die. Oh, I'm so sorry. Momentarily. I'll be dying. No. Yes, my little servant. It's my time. I trust you all got everything that you needed? In a way, we really did.

Did we? I don't remember. Well, Miss Sisu, I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. Yes, absolutely. Trevor, tell me the numbers. Dame Wiggles, you know, it seems silly coming in the last seconds of your life, but thank you. Well, you're all very welcome.

Also, Dame Wiggles, if I may. Oh, she's dead. Choked on a biscuit. Yep, she's dead. All these biscuits spilling out. She died doing what she loved. Mowing down on biscuits and traveling through time.

Wait, what? We did time travel stuff? All right, I'm going to take you. No, you got to go. No, I don't want to. Hello. It worked. By the Lord Rod above, it chucking worked. This is...

I am... Hark. Hark Tardigast. I was a pilot, yes, eons ago. Or was it just moments ago? I was locked in an endless psychedelic prison between dimensions, a paradoxical checkmate between layers of reality shifting through my very being

as I was transported between digital, ephemeral, psychic, and physical planes. I met myself in many forms, saw the Big Bang and the heat death of the universe, always fighting tooth and nail to return to my own reality. For a brief moment, I was able to communicate with my old rebel commander and trivia knight partner, Sisu Gundu. But the decryption algorithm,

known only to her trusted comrade Dale, must have gotten lost or corrupted somehow. But my continued efforts were not in vain. The eternal dimensional loop in which I found myself ensnared was finally broken as I witnessed a rift in the space-time continuum through which I saw Sisu, Sisu

herself, traveling between realities, crossing paths with herself in the past, presumably in an effort to locate me along her own experiential timeline. Because, as Dale is undoubtedly aware, when two temporal paradoxes collide, they create a link back to the present. And it was there that I spied my single chance in infinity to slip back into my own reality.

But how was I able to slip through the nearly dimensionless rift, you ask? Well, this transmission, and indeed my very corporeal existence, is brought to you by Manscaped, dedicated to being the best in men's below-the-belt grooming. Yes, my chiseled hirsute body would never have squeezed between dimensions without a long overdue trim. The amount of friction body hair causes when traversing paradoxical realities would surely have ripped me limb from limb. But the new and improved Lawn Mower 3.0 trimmer gives you a smooth, precise trim and features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents thanks to Manscaped's advanced SkinSafe technology. The Lawn Mower 3.0 is water-resistant, lasts up to 90 minutes,

and features an LED light for a closer trim or to escape a dimension entirely devoid of photons, as I did. Plus, the stand doubles as a USB charging dock. Can you believe it? And to whomever is hearing this transmission, I have absolutely no opinion on whether trimming your junk is more attractive. That is a subjective and cultural assessment that my multidimensional consciousness can no longer make. But I do know this. You can get 20% off and free shipping with the code ZYX at Manscaped.com. That's 20% off and free shipping at Manscaped.com. Use the code ZYXX. ZYXX.

Now let's see if this trusty old hyperdrive still has a few more surprises left in her. Oh, I'm done. Well, that could have been a real mess, but I think we nailed it. Yeah, I think we pulled it out. Yeah, I guess so. I don't remember any of it. That's really bad. Was I happy? Uh, yeah.

Captain Darnham, an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bucklehorn. Hey, Nermit. Hello, crew. Hey, Nermit. Hey, hey, hey. That was a wild ride. Yeah? Well, I mean, all I know is that this new slogan is testing incredibly well.

These banners look amazing. Keep it tight. Why is that slogan working so well? I think it's just because Ship Please is like, it didn't do well when it came out, but everyone remembers that line. What are you talking about? Ah, keep it tight.

What am I talking about? I love that line. Yeah, it's like the seminal line of Ship Please. Hey ships, keep it tight. Wow, you're putting you back memories. Yeah, I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier because of like, Cece was always like, I'm so tight in the tight pants,

and check out these super tight pants. Wow, those are very tight. And so, yeah, it's just an immediate upswing and pulling. Ted Ronca had cornered the market on the kind of, like, folksy idiom, and we just found it. We're totally eating his lunch now in terms of numbers. Dar, nostalgia? What's he going to eat?

It's not a literal food situation. Yeah, keep it tight. Nermin, could you give me just one second? Sure. Dar, C-53? Oh, God. keep it tight Nermin could you just give me just one second sure keep it tight a line in in ship please I don't remember that line it wasn't to my knowledge but a quick search

reveals that it's posters it's t-shirts it's extremely popular the Juntawa release of ship please actually translates as posters, it's on t-shirts, it's an extremely popular colloquial. Yeah. The Juntawa release of Ship, Please actually translates as Keep It Tight. Are we talking about Keep It Tight?

Yeah, Bargy, Keep It Tight, that's a line from Ship, Please? You know, I got you one take. One take. Congratulations. Thank you. Of course, I wasn't the one saying it, but that's fine. Yeah, that scene was directed by an old director known as Sisu Guntu.

Wait, Barji, is that how you know Sisu? Oh yeah, I've known her for years, I guess. She hasn't aged, I'll tell you that. She taught me how to make an old salty grandma. Oh. And if I think about it too much it makes no sense, but I'm just gonna go with it. Oh. No. AJ, I don't think you need to. I think it's all good. Okay. Are we all saying that a lot now, or? Okay. I'm still here, guys't remember any of it. Okay.

I'm still here, guys. I'm keeping it pretty tight, but... I think you can take off those pants. Okay. Oh, take off the pants? Your pants are turning purple. I don't know. They're very tight. That's how we try to keep it. I love you. To be continued... Security Officer Dar and Captain Dar were played by Ali Kokesh. Barge the Ship, Sisu Gundu, Mother Wiggles, and the Mouse Helper were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Team Mom, Nermit Bundeloy, Lysula Wiggles, the Elder Mouse Helper, and the guy brought back to the future were played by Seth Lind.

AJ and the Grand Kula of Flurb were played by Winston Null. Dame Adelaide Wiggles was played by special guest Elise Morales. Elise is a voice actress and comedian who you may know as Lila on Tuning Out the News or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Showtime's Our Cartoon President. Her podcast, The Roast of Your Teenage Self, just launched on the All Things Comedy Network. Follow her at Pandelise on Instagram and Elise Navidad on Twitter. This episode was edited by Seth Ling with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by Thames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening

chronoration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Rogerian Jade by Eric Gois. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. One, two, one, two, three, four. Hi, everybody. My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Sydney McElroy. We're both doctors. Nope, just me. Okay, well, Sydney's a doctor, and I'm a medical enthusiast, and we create Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. Every week, I dig through the annals of medical history to bring you the wildest, grossest, sometimes dumbest tales of ways we've tried to treat people throughout history.

Lately, we do a lot of modern fake medicine because everything's a disaster. But it's slightly less of a disaster every Friday right here on MaximumFun.org as we bring you Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. And remember, don't drill a hole in your head. Hey, I'm Jared Hill, co-host of the brand new Maximum Fun podcast, Fanta. And I'm Travelle Anderson. I'm the other, more

fabulous co-host, and the reason you really should be tuning in. I feel the nausea rising. To be Fanta is to be a big fan of something, but also have some challenging or anti-feelings toward it. Kind of like Kanye. We're all fans of Kanye. He's a musical genius, but like, you know.

He thinks slavery is a choice. Or like the real housewives of Atlanta. Like, I love the drama, but do I want to see black women fighting each other on screen? We're tackling all of those complex and complicated conversations about the people, places, and things that we love.

Even though they may not love us back. Fanta, Maximum Fun, podcast. Meow. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. AJ and Plek are outside because C53 has dragged them out there.

I think, no, you haven't been dragged out. No, we changed the timeline. Yeah. We stayed in, like, we never came back to the future that time, so we just stayed in the timeline that Allie went back. Otherwise, there wouldn't be two Dars. Yeah. In an alternate universe.

It makes sense. Why did I tell you? I know. All of you this. I was with you. I never wanted to do time. I love it. This is me. I love it. AJ is me. We know. All of you this. I was with you. I never wanted to take time. I love it. This is me.

I love this. AJ is me. We know.