Mission To Zyxx - 419: The Story of Beano

Episode Date: September 18, 2020

Starring:Jeremy Bent as QuarielAlden Ford as Karm, Petra, the Raven, the Farmer, and the Wizard Allie Kokesh as Dwaynne and CorynthiaSeth Lind as GigliWinston Noel as Samesies, Beano and the EmperorMoujan Zolfaghari as BooketEdited by Seth LindSound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Theme Music composed by Brendan RyanPerformed by Ophira Zakai on Lute, Peneli Millar on flute and Cynthia Ann Sutton on recorderAdditional music by Shane O’ConnellAudio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

The final phase nears. The last ingredient is about to be sent right to us. He doesn't know what to do. Final phase? Last ingredient? Oh my rod, it's the device! And now we wait. Be no bored of menacing and plotting and waiting. Be no wanna hear the story of Beano. Now, now, Beano. We're just waiting patiently for the final phase. Be no wanna hear the story of Beano. We're just waiting patiently for the final phase. Beano want to hear the story of Beano.

Beano, no. Yeah, Beano, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, my Bean. You're making the whole shebang unstable. Okay, okay, okay. Beano, all right, I'll tell you the story of Beano. 400 years ago, you were put in a box and sent to live with a man named Chad. That story's boring.

We don't want to hear an older story. That, I mean, there are so many stories. We don't want to hear an ancient tale of adventure of Beano. Okay. Fine. With Bino. Okay. Fine. With elegance. Totally. Bino love elegance. And drama.

Of course. And Bino love blood. Oh, there's some blood, my dude. Okay. So this was what? 20,000 years ago? Bino want commitment. Bino want production value. Fine. Fine. So this was what? 20,000 years ago? Bito, what commitment! Bito, what production value!

Fine! Fine! Ooh, Bito loves the theater. It is a period of sorcery and heroism, many thousands of years before Tellurians explored the stars. On a planet half a galaxy away, a paladin and a ranger rush across a charred moor. Pursued by a marauding horde, entrusted in their care is a relic of almost unimaginable power. Now, our heroes must form a sacred alliance,

safeguard their precious artifact, and slay weird demons and stuff. This is The Story of Pino. I'm going to have to go. There's another one! Put your head down, Korn! Quarion, protect me! I'm doing my best, Korn. Through the light of Rodos shall we see it through. Quarion, my most trusted friend, if for some reason I don't survive, you must not let the relic fall into the wrong hands.

Khor, hear me now. As strong as my belief in Rodos the Sunlighter, I shall not let you perish. An arrow! Two arrows! Two arrows! Second barrage! Why? What are these? They're too small to be arrows! Dots!

What is the purpose of these? Oh, come on! Had you not done enough, you monsters? Quarrel! Quarrel! I have failed you. No, never. Quarrel, this burden, you must take it.

No, Qom, I cannot. Qom, you are the Ch. No, Korma cannot. Korma, you're the chosen one, destined to bear the legume. Not anymore. I was chosen to take it this far. And now you must... We were having a conversation! I'm going to bang your mouth! My rumpus! I've been running the bank of my... My Lord!

Aquario, hear me? The lagoon must be returned. Yes, but take it where? No! All right, all right! All right! All right, all right. You beat a world starting in Mediarest.

Yeah, I'm sure you do, Beano. What happens next? What happens next? We turn now to a quiet temple in the countryside. In the merry time of the smock-a-ton The ladies dance to and fro They go about the fair lookout As the wind will blow Oh, I've got you all some bites of juice. But I've got, you know... Jam around. Jam around.

The merry wives of the smock-a-ton. Can I take two of the juice? All right. Here you go. I'm a very big girl. Does anyone want to hear the ballad of Hayfair Market? T'was a market day in Hayfair Square. There was a blowing wind.

I'm sorry. You don't just sing the same song every time? What? It's just that they all sound the same. G.E.W.E., back me up here. Yes, Samesies. You've got more than one song. Uh, my name may be Samesies

the Bard, but my tunes are very different. With a hey-none-and-ho and a hey-none-y-no and a triddle-dee-da-dee-day. A do-and- Well, it's the same one. No, I'm singing different songs. I pass down folklore and oral history. All right, enough of this tittle-talling.

It's time for us to give an update about what we've done this week to prevent ourselves from drinking the vice that is known as the mead. Watch it! Illustrious Rhodos, eternal light in the darkness, I come before you to confess my sins. I was foolish and broke a promise I should have kept and know that I accept your retribution

so I may bask in your glory anew know that your last vision shall be your reflection in go on sir I thought the basement of this church would be empty alright it's ok there's a free seat right over there say your name and tell us how many days it's been since you last had to meet.

It's me, Danone. We meet here every fortnight and kind of tell our tales. And occasionally, a tune. Quiet off, David. A tra-la-la, a tra-la-la-la, how ribbons glow in the wind. I must rid myself of you sinners. Wow, you crushed his weird guitar in your hand. Sir, sir, let us introduce ourselves. My name, of course, is Samesies the Bard, and this is Gigli the Dwarf.

I'm Gigli of Clan Benefer. And this, of course, is... Born in Ebemlulu, the Transparent Mountains in the 23rd Age, my father was Groyne, the former companions of the giant rabbit. I wanted to accompany my father. Go on, you have to kind of nip it in the bud. And then of course we have Dwayne the Orc Johnson.

I'm an orc. Yes, no, I was able to see that. She's gigantic. And rounding out our merry band is Buket. Guess what, you might have heard of me. I used to be the princess of this land. But I refused to get married to that prince.

So instead, I became a witch. We are a merry band of misfits. And because of that... Now, stand around and listen to this filth. I am a paladin of Rhodos, the Sunlighter. He who ignited the very orb in the sky. The core! The core! The lagoon must be destroyed by the chosen one. of Rhodos the Sunlighter, he who ignited the very orb in the sky. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! The lagoon must be destroyed

by the Chosen One or all the cast! The Chosen One is in this room! Cuckoo! That raven was looking right at Jigi of Clan Benefant. But I was right behind you. I don't want to think he was looking at a former princess, now which? I think that story

is really the lifeblood of civilization. I do think that maybe he was looking at me. Where did you get a second loot from? Yeah, he always carries spare. You're all being ridiculous.

Who's obviously looking at I, Coriel Paladin of Rhodos the Sunlighter. I was with the previous chosen one when he died, so I think it just went straight into me. Cor!

Cor! In case I wasn't clear earlier, you the fellowship must take the legume to the... Tell us more, Raven. You speak in riddles. It was pretty clear. Let me hold the bird.

Ah, Gwen. Are we shattered to bits? Did bird do that on its own? Bad Gwen. Are we shattered to bits? I've got guts on me. Did bird do that on its own? Oh, it's a second bird. A second bird? What luck.

I'm a different bird, and I'm telling you, you, the Chosen One, and their protectors are the Fellowship of the Lagoon and must deliver the relic to Mount Doom. I was given this mission by Korm the Blessed. And thanks to that raven, we now know that the legume must be thrown into the lake below Mount Dew. It is a treacherous journey. Where is this Korm? He sounds amazing.

Where has he been? I hope he lived. He was slain in front of me by a legion of minions sent by an evil wizard. Drat. Yes, drat indeed. Gracious father, my keeper and guardian, I have strayed from your noble path. I wish to repent.

Bring good to my darkened soul. I owe a token. Wait, wait. Can someone tell me what a legume is? It's like a... It's like a little... Like a little squeaky... It's like small...

It's not a grain, but it feels bigger. You must see the legume. Oh. This. This is the legume. The most holy relic that has ever existed. Ew, is that Beano? Yes, Beano.

Obviously. Beano loved the story of Beano. Great. Beano loved it. Yeah, okay, where was I? This is the legume. The most holy relic that has ever existed. It looks warm.

It is warm. Touch it. I shouldn't touch it because I made the bird explode. Yes, no, you will not touch it. The witch may touch it. Thank you. As the chosen one, I feel it is our responsibility to take this legume. I'm pretty sure we all agreed that I am the chosen one, I feel it is our responsibility to take this ligament. I'm pretty sure we all agreed that I am the chosen one.

I feel like... It's still up in the air. Illustrious master, I beg your protection for this fellowship. For now, we are the fellowship of Legume. A brave band of travelers,

a fellowship of Legume. A brave band of travelers, the Fellowship of Legume. Oh, there's not a ton that rhymes with legume. Does anyone... Are you serious? No, that's a room. We're in a room. Ah, right. What is in this room?

The old room. The chosen one is in this room. Okay, too many cooks right now. Too many cooks. A little too many cooks in the kitchen. Too many... No, I can do it. I just...

Baby boom. It's hard to make it up on the spot is No, I can do it. Baby boom. It's hard to make it up on the spot is what I'm trying to say. Gigli, son of Groin. It is comforting to know I will have another brother of battle at my side. Ah, Coriel, you've seen the notches in my axe. Indeed I have. Does each one represent a foe you have vanquished? Almost all of them. This one, I just, I dropped it. I shower with it, of course, and it gets...

Metroid. But otherwise, yes, the skulls of foes. Excellent. Oh, actually, this one, when I was having it repaired, the normal guy wasn't available and they just messed it up. Oh foes. Excellent. Oh, actually, this one, when I was having it repaired, the normal guy wasn't available, and they just messed it up. Yeah. This one's sort of an unusual shape, not true. Oh, that's, uh...

Is that a bottle opener? No. Ah, from my days of mead. Mm, yes. No, no more. Julie, son of Groy, not to be pedantic about this, but how many of these are actually foes you have slain? Well, it's getting late, so...

It's midday. Anyway, good talk. Be well, sheatly son of Croyne. Witch. I have news of you. What? We've been riding for many days. My inner thighs are chafed.

I got a spell for that. Yes, this is what I was hoping for. I have prayed to Rodos the Sunlighter, but he has granted me no relief. Zertikia! I'm not sure that spell did what I had asked for. It took all the moisture in your body. Put it on your tongue. That's very...

My mouth is so wet. I was a fool to trust a witch. Same place. Ah, greetings, Quarrel. Yes, it's fine to see you. And you, my friend, and you. Yes, I see you have fixed your tambourine. Yes, yes, it is fixed.

Fantastic. It keeps breaking in the night while I sleep, but I keep putting it back together. That's very annoying. When in the sun the meadow shines, and in the meadow the sun shines, both are shining at the same time, and that is why it's summertime. It's redundant.

A nonny nonno of fraud. Where, where, where are you going? Yes, finish it for me later. Say this. But I have a whole other verse about maidens. Fair maidens. Makes no difference. Dwayne.

Hi, squirrel. Aquario. Okay. Dwayne, I admire your strength. The way you are able to pull this entire wagon of provisions. Oh, it's nothing. It looks to be hundreds of instruments. Those are mine.

Be careful about the harps, please. Multiple harps. Different ranges, different scales. Dwayne. Rodos the Sunlighter has granted you a great gift of the strength. Different ranges, different scales. Mmm. Remind me who that is again. itself. That celestial orb above us would be dark and black as the bottom of the sea were it not for Rodos the Sunlighter.

So, have I met him before, or... If you were to meet Rodos the Sunlighter, you would be obliterated instantly. But how? Someone help. Someone help me. Dwayne, cease your jogging.

He must help me. Rodos the Sunlighter has seen it fit to send this man our way. We must help me. Dwayne, cease your jogging. Okay. You must help me. Roders the Sunlighter has seen it fit to send this man our way. We must help him. A band of marauders came to my farm and razed it to the ground. My wife. My child. My livestock.

All of my crops burned. That's awful. Did the farm have a name? Of course. Don't tell him. Don't make it rhyme. Wretched man, I ask you to allow rotors to sun. I can give you a spell. I can fix it real fast.

You want your wife and child back? Dove. Oh, is that a possibility? Yeah, I can do that. Oh, it's really good, this one. Thank you. I wish you would commit necromancy. I'm not saying he's gonna be

nice, but it could happen. How burned were they? Like, really burned, or... Are you writing lyrics? Are you writing lyrics right now? I mean, Bookit, I've... He has his little book out. He does have his book and his quill out. His quill is very visible. These are just for me and for everyone. Bookit, when

she does do these resurrection spells. It is grisly. Please, witch, I need not your curses. No, indeed you do not. All I need is a single seed with which to restart my crops. Maybe perhaps then I could begin to rebuild. If you have with you a seed, a grain of any kind. Oh, Beano is a seed. Give it Bino.

Do you want me to stop reading? No. A seed, a grain of any kind? Oh, yeah, no. We have this legume in his little pocket right there. Bino told you. Oh, wonderful. Could you bear to part with it?

One does not throw aside a holy task, Dwayne. The legume must stay with us. We must bear its burden. Well, then you shall die. So what are we calling this? Is this, what is this, a demon or something? It's an agent of Rungus the Wizard. A foul creature.

You may tell your master that there shall be no legume for him today. Stand back, paladin. And the legume shall be mine. Seems like they've got sort of a situation between themselves. No, but Booker, you have magic. You are too late. I have rebuilt my fellowship.

Jiggly, wait. I'm confused because they were a farmer who needed a seed and now they're a big scary demon? Will no one help me in this battle? Goryeo, I shall lend you my axe as soon as I've explained this simple idea to Dwayne. Very well. I shall strike at you with the ring. Dwayne, this death wraith sent by Rengus the wizard was pretending to be a wretched farm man. So there is no dead wife and kid?

Right. Why would someone say that? That's really sad. My cursed flame shall die too. You only hear the grace of Protus the Sunlighter and I in the wit's stand these blows. Booker, tell me you have a plan. Um, I do have a love spell. I can make them all fall in love with the wrong person. No, that seems overly complicated.

I mean... Oh, I know. I can switch their clothing. It's a mystery who's who. Tell me how that would help things. Not good. Everybody knows who's who. Yeah, one's a giant wraith in kind of tattered robes, you know.

Oh, I know, I know. It's called the eczema, which I give the villain a rash. Oh, book it. My sword. Curse you, Rengis. I swear I would not fall before you, but here I kneel. Rodos, I have failed you. Rodos is dead.

Only Rangus lives. Okay. This is your approach, Ark. Yes. You shouldn't have lied. If I learn anything, lying is bad. And you lied. And I'm leaving.

This is to an end. If I learn anything, lying is bad. And you lied. It was a mean story. I messed up. What a blow. He disappeared into the smoke and ash. I didn't get to give him a rash. Oh, that rhymed. He disappeared in smoke and ash. Book it was unable to give a rash.

And he didn't know. He didn't know. Book it. It was unable to give a rash. Hey, diddy-do, hey, not a no, for the old, the old, the old. Oh, okay. He handed that to the idiot. A smile for our, I blame Russell. Dwayne the Orc Johnson, you struck a powerful blow in the name of Rhodos the Sunite today.

For that, I knew before you. I just meant to tell him that he was misbehaving. I really have to get a handle on how tight I hold stuff. Clearly the wizard wanted that nago. That's right. Hi. Yes. Well, it's a good thing

that the Chosen One was here. Yes. That's the Chosen One right here. The Chosen One was here. Right, yes. Or me. What? That's my roommate, Petra.

I had wondered who this was in the caravan. Hello, Petra. Just tag it along. Could've been me. Hello, Petra. Just tag it along. It could have been me. No, you don't know. You're the only one who's not the church. We weren't in the room when it happened. These other four at least have a claim.

They're wrong. It's as I, Coriel, Pellet, and Frodo as the sunlight who is the church's one. I'm supposed to be in a room. I fell off the wagon. That's not my problem. How often did I meet you? I was. Also, you literally room. I fell off the wagon. That's not my problem. Quaff in the meat I was. Also, you literally fell off the wagon to the church. Indeed.

Double entendre. I have a new fellowship. So it seems that Quariel has formed a new fellowship. So it seems that Quariel has formed a new fellowship. But no matter. I, Rangus the Wizard, shall have the legumes soon enough. Soon

enough. So, like, are you just gonna stare into that ball? I'm tired. Listen, I am... I am so sorry. I just have to...

real quick. This is a work day for me, so I have to just real quick check in on the seeing staff. It's just that we were, like, right in the middle. I get it, I get it.

Listen, I'm the one who owes you an apology right now. And I feel like we should be strategic about what we order so that, like, we don't get the same entree we should get. Yes. Good. Great.

You're not even listening. You're just staring in the ball. I just... Yes. Okay. I don't know how else to explain to you. When you look into the crystalline ball at the top of my staff that's being clutched by the carving of a flaglint's claw, what do you see?

Nothing, right? Nothing. Now, when I look into it, I see, yes, every minion that I have across the planet and what they're doing, what sort of evil they're up to, what they're disguised as. Because when I get really close, all I can see is, like, my pores. Well, non-magic users can't really see much in the seeing globe, so that's sort of the difference between us in a lot of ways. What do we have in common, though? Like, what is our common ground?

Oh, boy. Are we doing this already? Listen, I'm sorry. I got this date off on the wrong foot. Okay, I'm going to put my staff away, and you and I can have a nice time. Okay? Okay. So, like, what are you up to

these days? So I started making my own jewelry which, you know, is something that I wasn't sure that I actually really wanted to do but I'm just so inspired by it. Oh, thank you. That's so sweet. I love that you're wearing the bracelet that I made, Dio. I wear it every day. I love it. And I think you should

keep making those. Because, like, I... Ah every day. I love it. And I think you should keep making those. Ah, crock me! Sorry. I'm sorry. I just got a notification. One of my wraiths just got vaporized and I... I'm sorry. Bummer. That's my bad.

Go ahead. No, no. Do you need to take this? It's just that finally the legume is on the move, and it's getting closer to Mount Dew all the time. Let me just reassign a couple of these rates, and then I am all yours for the evening. You said you were self-employed? So I just don't understand why you're not...

Yeah, well, that's the thing. ...giving yourself the time off. Yes, totally. But see, that's the rub, though, right? Because I'm my own boss, but also I give myself the hardest time. And so if I don't get the legume, how am I supposed to bring the nine kingdoms under my rule?

You know? Just one second. Sure, if it's only going to be a second. gonna be a second just one second please okay okay Oh, the tale of Bally the Barroom Cat is one that might excite. Oh, this one I like. This one I like. With a tee and a ho and a nonny tee-ho, Bally went dead to the night. And a fee and a fie and a nini-ni-fie, and Bally went on today. Hide-a-ho, dee-dee-lee-ho, Bally the Barcat played.

A dee-doo-doo, and a- Cease your singing, you cats. Don't you ever give it a rest. Ha ha ha, musical joke. Very good. I hate that you interpreted that as a pun. What, well, then, if no one wants to hear a song, what do you want to do? I mean, I don't, I wouldn't mind learning more about the legume. If you wish to know of the legume, I shall tell you.

Legume is a magical artifact. Nearly as old as Rodos the Sunlighter himself. Who's that again? I will tell you many... He's your dad, right? No, he's not my dad. Is he like 60 years old? 65? No, so much older. It's like tens of thousands of years old.

As old as a fair maiden? No, that's like, you know, 18, 19, you know. And the fairest maiden was also old, 22 years old. Listen, listen. Allow me to open the vessel. Put your hand upon the legume and feel the heat granted to it by Rodos the Sunlighter. Tis, tis warm.

Yes, far warmer than a legume should be. Tis a big hot bean. Yes, an accurate assessment, Geely son of Grine. Now, let me bring this up once and then never again. Can I use it in one of my spells? No, you may not. All right, just wanted to ask.

No, it's a fair question. Which, if it is not cast into the lake below Mount Dew before it falls into the hands of Rancus the wizard... Then what? Then all we hold dear will be gone. My father, the king, told me if I didn't marry the prince, it would destroy the kingdom. And look, everything is fine, right?

It's not great. It's not great. And I regret it every day. It honestly wasn't that bad of a lad either. Yeah, Booker, why didn't you want to marry this young lad? We didn't like the same music. Well, that can be a problem. Absolutely. What was... Who were his

bards? You know? Davis of Matthew. He loved the creedses. Ah, the creedses. Fantastic. I knew a few of those bards, but... This is very interesting, but, Quarrel, what happens

when we cast the legume into Mount Doom? Oh, yes, avoiding the destruction of our world, yes. I mean, shall it be the Chosen One that casts it in? Well, of course the Chosen One will cast it into Mount Doom. Well, I must prepare myself. What if I don't want to? I've got to do a few stretches, then, innit? Well, some say within the legume resides a creature of incredible power.

But like what kind of creature with... that walks with arms and legs? Has it nipples? A bean with nipples. You speak sacral it. Oh, Harold, Master, I've heard that in Crete. I need you to know what my time will be. Let's get through and give him a second.

Yeah, let's just let it go through. Sharpen my axe. Sure. So should we just let him go? He's getting a little bit more paranoid each time. But can you believe that one of us, one of us, we could save the world, the entire planet? Hey, Booker, what would you do if you saved the world? What would be the next thing you did?

Well, that's a good question. I guess I would, uh, I would do the ultimate spell. Yeah, what's that? Become a princess again. No. Because you talk about doing that a lot. Yeah, it's, yeah. I just, you just you know you got to know where I came from To know where I am

I'm a complicated character I guess I will finally Get rid of all my boils Right What about you He was fishing for us to ask him the whole time Oh me Oh well I don't know

Just sing the song Okay He was fishing for us to ask him the whole time. Oh, me? Oh, well, I don't know. I don't know what would I... Just sing the song. Okay. Travelers, brave and true. One for me and one... What? What? Oh, wait, but I was just getting...

Okay, all right, great. We made his goal, but it was right in that box. Indeed. And now it is gone. Which one of you? Not I. I shall strike you down. Do you think maybe you dropped it somewhere in the grass?

No, it's impossible. I'll re-track your steps. Okay, well, I was here. I was sort of just doing a big circle. Oh, this is it. Is it? Does this look like it? That's a rock.

Let me ask my roommate. You seen it? What's a rock. Let me ask my roommate. You seen it? What? The legume. You know that thing I told you looks like Larry? No. You don't know what Larry? No, I'm talking about Larry.

I don't think so. What's that? Is that a... Is that goat on fire? There's yet another agent of Rengus the Wizard. That goat has stolen the legume. Ed, don't. I mean, really.

That's a really smart goat. Well, it's not just a regular goat. When are we going to take a break? What? Peter wants to go to the lobby and have himself a snack. Okay, fine. Peter needs to go to the little beans room. Okay.

Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Oh, can you play an ad? What? Why? We don't love monetizing content. Okay. We don't love avoiding the paywall. Okay, we'll do an ad. Fine. Bye. This is Captain Phoenix Peterson with a mission report.

What a day of captaining. I'm not sure which count was higher. The number of sentients we saved or the number of foes dispatched. Anyhow, the day is done and now I will settle into my favorite pastime that really lets me take off my captain's hat, lay down my horn, and chill right out playing Star Trek Online, a free-to-play online game on PC, Xbox One,

and PlayStation 4. You create your own captain, customize and fly unique ships, and experience an epic story alongside iconic characters from across the Star Trek TV universe. While I'm in the game, I completely forget the stress of captaining my ship. In the game, I'm Captain Phoenix Fry. And get this, Star Trek Online is offering you a chance to win the Federation Elite Starter Pack,

including a starship, item slots, equipment, uniform, and more to help you put your best foot forward into the final frontier. From now until September 24th, you can enter this giveaway by heading to StarTrekOnline.com slash mission. The giveaway is only open to new players and only Starfleet characters can redeem the pack. Oh, look! Some of my fellow captains are coming online right now. Ahoy! Captain Tealbeard reporting to the bridge.

Or should I say, Captain Blue-Greenbeard in this dazzling interweb game, says I. Captain Starvington here. Now Captain Diane Windex. Ho, ho, hello. And it is I, Cerebulon,

nemesis of all captains, but now a fictional captain myself. Captain Nice Guy. You invited Cerebulon and not Jerkins? Jerkins is too good. Well, we hope to see you in game, captains. That's StarTrekOnline.com slash mission for the special giveaway.

StarTrekOnline.com slash mission. Live a lengthy and prosperous life, they say. I've been ready now. Okay, now where were we? Okay. Is the burrata here yet? I ate it. Oh, that's fine.

You've been gone for like 20 minutes. Sure, yes, that's fine. You've been gone for like 20 minutes. Sure, yes, I am sorry, but listen. It was worth it, okay? I got a worm to steal the legume, pass it off to a roach,

who then crawled it over to a bat, and the bat flew it over to a goat, which caught on fire and ran straight back to the castle, and the bat flew it over to a goat, which caught on fire and ran straight back to the castle, and I've got it, baby. I've crookin' got the legume. Ha ha ha ha ha. It's mine. Well, I guess I'm happy for you.

So, like, I was thinking maybe we could go back to my place tonight. Listen, I would love that, but... But? Can we just real quick stop by my inner sanctum back at the castle? So you can do more work? It's not work. It's a ritual, which is, I mean, if you love the rituals that you do, you never work a day in your life, they say.

So if we just swing by the sanctum real quick, I'm just going to bang out this quick ritual, and then we are golden. Excuse me? I'll say... What? Bang out in your sanctum? We're banging out the ritual, and then we'll head back to your place. I'm just not that type of wench. No, the ritual has nothing to do with you. I mean, sure, I may have been that type of wench before,

but I've changed, and now in this year of my new life? No. I'm so sorry to interrupt, but your credit scroll has been declined. How dare you? I'm so sorry. I am Rangus the Wise, High Wizard of the Fourth Kingdom and anointed sorcerer of the G, High Wizard of the Fourth Kingdom, and Anointed Sorcerer of the Gilded Tower of the Elven Council.

I sit at the right hand of the king himself in Castle Braid. I guess this means I'm also paying for dinner. It's... Listen, I will make it up to you, I promise. Just not right now. I'll have what she's having. Are we nearly there? Indeed, Sanksys. We shall be able to spy Castle Prairie as soon as we crest this ridge.

If I stand on something. Ah, yes. Cheely, son of Grime. Here, I gotcha. Oh, thank you, Dwayne. Next time, you have to put me on your shoulder. Absolutely not, Dwayne. It will not end well.

There's been a lot of banter on our journey, but what will we do when we actually reach Castle Thread? I, Gigli of Clan Benefer, son of Groyne, shall hoist my axe up and clap to the lock holding shut the doors of Castle Grade. And I, Bookit the Witch, will use me ancient spells.

Plus Petra and I are gonna check out the scene, see if there are any singles. Singles? The quarial paladin of Rodos the Sunlighter shall cast the legume into the boiling liquid of Mount Dew, destroying it forever. I'll probably look for the bathroom, because I've had to go for quite a while now. Dwayne, just go in the bathroom.

So did that answer your question? I guess it did, yes. A band of merry warriors climbing to their fate. They want to smack a wizard clean across his fate. But when they find... Silence, Bart. The ridge. The castle braid lies below.

I might just sing. Don't. Don't. Oh, okay. Just don't. Don't do it. Can I just play? Can I just play?

Dramatically? We don't want any scoring under this at all. No scoring. If you must. Let's keep it ominous. It'll just... How's this? Ominous?

Oh, no. Lucifer, Rodos, where is the castle? I see nothing. Oh, no. Look upwards of the horizon. The sky! What is that? Smoking.

Ball of ruin. Tis like nothingness burns. I had never seen Castle Braid, so, you know, to me, this could have been Castle Braid. Yeah, but Dwayne came. Dwayne, you know, John, you know what a castle looks like. The idea of a castle. You've been to a castle. Maybe, you know, this big, round, fiery, scary thing is like a modern take on a castle. You've been to a castle. Maybe, you know, this big round, fiery,

scary thing is like a modern take on a castle. I think even in the most ambitious designer's plans, this would not qualify as a castle. Looks like a donkey's grundle, but huge. You know what I mean? Like the nasty part of a donkey. It's like

if the play got dysentery and then the dysentery got a bit more of a donkey. It's like if the play got dysentery and then the dysentery got a bit more of the play. Yes. Just like this. Have you ever milked a cow but the teat is infected? It's like a bread roll that's been burned and still on fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's like a bad dream, but bigger. Right, yeah. Yes, okay, that's good. I'm on board. So I feel like we've gotten what it is, right? My brave friends, shall we advance? Yes, you are right, Samesies. We must move forward and find the hated wizard Rengis. Holy Rodos, guide us with your divine light.

Take us to where we must find. Do we have to... Illustrious God and eternal soul. The whole time. Do this out loud. Always. Yeah. It wants over me so I may share my hardships.

Absolve me with your glorious grace. Hello? What's with that? Who's speaking? I'm a witch! The rich world is near thee. There is nothing you can do. Well, shit.

That voice is kind of adorable, isn't it? I love it. This voice speaks, but there is no body. What sorcery is this? The evil truth to even more powerful legends would tell. Side note, does it have nipples, or... Why would that be even stuck out in the first hundred questions? Gee, you son of a grunt, you shame yourself with this question.

Hurry. Show yourself, wizard. Ragnus the Wizard is no more. He has fused with the lagoon. He has fused with the lagoon. And now is the all-powerful Rengis the Genghis. Should we give it a redo? Or is that... Yeah, is that the name we chose?

No, really... Are you sure you want to go with that? It's a powerful name. Well, but is it like a prophecy name where you didn't have a choice in the matter or you picked Rangus Dengus? I picked him, Mike. And Rangus picked him himself. Wait, what's a Dengus? A mighty weapon.

It is. A Dengus? I don't know. I've never heard of such a weapon. It sounds like you've just made it up because it rhymes with your name. And, hey, I've been there. I've been there. I've just been Samesies.

Lamesies? You know, I've been there, but, you know, it's not. Yeah, no, Samesies has a point. It's a real first draft sort of name. Well, heroes, shall we do battle now? I mean, what should we do? Your puny weapons are no match for the Dengue. Shit.

This axe was forged on the block on which I was born. I'm still Jiggly from the block. We should not be fooled by the axe that you got. You're still Jiggly. I'm still Jiggly from the block. Do you think there's still a bathroom? No, Dwayne, there won't be a bathroom

now. There won't be one. Your beautiful fellowship can do nothing to stop me. My compatriots, I know fate has cast us as unusual partners against evil, but our meeting was defined by

Rodos himself. So I ask you now, lend me your strength and we shall save the relic from the hated Orangus. Oh, Dwayne, don't piss right here. No, no. Don't look at me right now. Oh, Dwayne, you're going right here. No, I get stage fright.

I get stage fright. It's a very inappropriate time to be doing this Honestly actually Could you play something while I go If there is no time for this I will lead a charge Follow me if you seek glory Lord of the Seas

I haven't even got on my donkey He's just going He's not even waiting for any of us I guess we go now I guess we follow him Yeah, let's just go The final phase is... The last ingredient is about to be sent right to us. Hold on, hold on. Whoa.

They don't know what they're doing. Did he just say that... Yeah, we all heard it. The last ingredient is coming right to them. We don't know what we're doing. It seems like you want us to come in. But I hate you. And so do you.

So perfect. Well, we should not want the same thing as this evil ball, right? We do. We do want the same thing. What? To battle each other and figure out who's better. What? To battle each other and figure out who's better.

No, you should have wanted to finish the ritual already and have us not need a battle, but you invited us in. You sort of implied that you were finishing the ritual and if we were to come in, we'd mess it up. But then you just said, you're getting what you want. Right. Wait, yeah, we shouldn't go in. He wants us to go in. Don't overthink it. Just get in there. Yeah, see, now that... You're thinking at the right amount. That sounds very suspicious. Yeah.

Why don't we all just... Yeah, what happens if we just... Back up? No way. No, no. Hold on. It's floating away. No, come back. Come back into me.

No, see, now that's... Yeah. No, thank you. I don't like anything about that. It's an important part of the process. Yeah, but your process. No, we don't grow. What's the second?

Resplendent rotors light of all lives. I thank you for giving us the sight to see the tricks of this evil wizard. We heard it. It wasn't a scene thing. Guys, don't worry. I'm not putting rotors in the song. evil. We heard it. It wasn't a scene thing. Yeah. Guys, don't worry. I'm not putting Reddith in this song. Don't worry about it.

No, come back. Wait, hold on. If you leave that, that's what makes me super powerful. And if you come in, that's what I don't want. Come back. No. No. You're making a mistake. You're making a mistake! You're making a mistake!

This is the part! This is what you really don't want to do! Ignore me! Boy oh boy! Now it's very obvious. Yes, it's... Come back here! Nice feeding you! Oh!

Oh! That's the ritual! In my opinion! Nice feeding you. That's the ritual. My dominion is not going to be so close. I mean, can you believe that that monstrosity thought one of us would be stupid enough to go in it? Yeah. I mean... I've been called many things, including a princess, but not stupid. Oh, I've been called stupid a lot. Right.

But I'm not that stupid. Who would actually listen to a giant flaming ball? Who would blast themselves right in there? Yeah, just go in. I mean, you saw me. I was really moving. I was ready to go in there. But you stopped.

The point is you stopped. As soon as he said that thing, I was like, whoa. The point is you didn't. there. But you stop. The point is you stop. As soon as he said that thing, I was like, whoa. The point is you stop. Yeah. Well, we will sing songs for ages about this almost thing that happened. Just talk.

Beware the Rangus Dangus. Beware its evil pull. Don't go to a giant hole that's on the... I'll figure something out. Started well, Sepsis. We have completed a holy task go to a giant hole that's on the... I'll figure something out. Started well, Sepsis. We have completed our holy task as

ordained by Rodos the Sunlighter. Does anyone else feel hungry or anything? Oh, I could eat. Perhaps celebrate our achievement. I thought there was a tavern. I'd take a bite before going out to hunt goodwill.

Yeah, there was the three fawns back there. Does anyone okay with that? Sort of mixed reviews. I'm on a fawn diet right now. I mean, I'm sure they don't just serve fawn, right? And so the Rangus Dangus burned for many years in the crater of Castle Braid until one day the Dangenghis finally faded away

altogether, leaving only a warm legume in its place. The people of the kingdom swore to always remember the story of Rangus the wizard. History became legend, legend became myth, and eventually the people forgot why the area was known as Rangus. They started calling the whole kingdom Rangus. Then the planet. And that is the planet now known as Rangus 1. But the lagoon, of course, went on to have many, many more adventures. The end. Bino loved that story of Bino.

So, Bino, what is the lesson of this story? Don't ignore your date? No, Bino, the point is... Mean is bad? No, the point is that Rangus... That a story within a story is an effective narrative device? The point is that Rangus needed the Chosen One to enter... As you wish.

Never mind. Beano loved the story of Beano. Elegance, drama, blood. Beano fused with the Emperor again. Ah, yeah! Not much longer now? I, Creed-itis, have here the scroll of every player's name for our sweet interlude before the king at night, which shall be called The Story of Beano,

or The Most Lamentable Comedy of Rangus the Wizard. Jeremy Bent, you are hereby charged to play Sir Quariel, paladin of Rhodos the Sunlighter. Sure, no problem. Alden Ford, take upon you the role of Corm the Blessed, and Rangus, a wizard most sinister, and a series of ravens who are murdered by our heroes in a church basement. Great, okay.

Ali Kokash, take you the part of Dwayne the Orc Johnson, a great beast, ponderous, slow of wit, and Carinthia, the Lady Rangus must love. Okay. Mujan Zulfagari, you shall play Booket the Witch, that conjurer of hexes most foul. Seth Lind, you are to play Jiggly the Dwarf of Clan Benefer, son

of Groyne. I will. And Winston Knoll, take you these three scrolls. Samesies the Bard, the Beano, and the Emperor. Can do. Zethlind, you shall also edit this play. And Shane O'Connell, you shall remix our play with all manner of noises and music to fall on the ears

in equal measure, sweetly and obscenely, as you see fit. Brendan Ryan, you shall write all manner of cantos and roundels for the lute, taber, and pipe to be performed by Ophira, Sakai, Pennelly Miller and Cynthia and Sutton. And here I hope is a play fitted to the maximum fun theater.

Hi, my name is Graham Clark and I'm one half of the podcast stop podcasting yourself a show that we've recorded for many many years and at the moment instead of being in person we're recording remotely and uh you wouldn't even this go ahead no you go ahead okay okay go ahead and you can listen to us uh every week on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts your podcasts Your podcast. discuss, and explore the very famous 1976 BBC miniseries about ancient Rome called I, Claudius. We've got incredible guests such as Gillian Jacobs, Paul F. Tompkins, as well as star of I, Claudius, Sir Patrick Stewart, and his son, non-Sir Daniel Stewart.

Don't worry, Dan, you'll get there someday. I, Claudius is the name of the show. Every week from MaximumFun.org for only 12 weeks. Get them at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported. And protecting it. It's Rangus's minions, hordes of them surrounding it.

They're just sort of bones. Yes. They're skeletons. They're getting closer. They're coming sort of bones. Yes, they're skeletons. They're getting closer. The minions are doing something. They're coming toward, yeah. We gotta... Ow!

I draw my sword, the Ray of Rhodos. Away, you beasts! Bones and bones and stones and thrones and... Ah! Get away! Eat axe, minions! Careful, you son of a groin. Eat axe sounds very similar to something horrible.

Why are they behind me? They're all behind me. Get away from there. Why are they pulling me behind this rock? I don't want to go. Oh, boy. Book it. All right, I can do his spell.

I can make it happen. Make it happen. One inch of flesh. Two spritz of sprouts. Oh, no, I don't have it. Petra, where's my spritz and sprouts? I used it. What did you use it for?

Well, I didn't know they were going to be skellings, did I? I need to use my spritz and sprouts. Whoa, Dwayne, you are- Oh, Dwayne just belly flopped them. Dwayne just took out an entire... This is fun. It's like being in a ball pit, but the balls are bums. Let's just...

Should we let Dwayne kind of do it? Dwayne, cut me a path to that terrible orb, and I shall destroy Rengis. You serve the false master. I serve Rufus the Sunlight. They're sharp. The field of battle won. Ah, okay, okay, jeez.

That's good, Samesies. They're fleeing you out of boredom. And I myself did hit the bones, and every time I... I got a potion for you here. Fall in love. Fall in love now. They're just mashing their jawbones together. Despite the overwhelming odds, we are succeeding friends.

Move closer and we shall defeat Rangus. They took my recorder. They took my recorder. Oh, sweet Rose. Not all bad. Give me that back. The skeleton's playing the recorder. It makes no sense.

Where does the air come from? Pretty good. It's not bad. Someone get the skull off my backside.