Mission To Zyxx - 504: To Jer is Hermann [ft. Ray Cordova]

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy and Thar JuckoWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and GrustineWith special guest Ray Cordova as Dr. TraumaticoreEdited by Alden FordSound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Theme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic OrchestraAdditional musical performance by Riley MulherkarOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

Space. Some is chill. Some is tooped up. All is part of the great, infinite, cosmic ballet. The venerable starship, the RSS Synergy, forges ever deeper into uncharted regions of their galaxy, growing the coalition of united planets in the name of science, benevolence, and peace. Now, lead envoy C-53 and his intrepid crew explore new worlds, forge alliances, and search for a way back home to finally fulfill their mission to save us. Oh, hey, Dar. How'd it go?

Oh. Good, right? It was not good. Did you go to a tuping party? Yes. It was advertised as a raw, hardcore tuping party. I know you told us that many times. I was pretty excited about it, so I wanted you all to know what I was getting up to last night.

You said hardcore and raw like you repeated it a lot. You said the word raw very slowly, very often. I know. I was very excited about last night. Thank you again for watching Horse Hat. No problem. Right, we all did that. Yeah, they went right down.

So? You gonna tell us or what? There's no... I mean, deets? There's... Are there any deets? There's nothing to tell, no deets to share, no goths to spill. How's that possible? I really put it out there. I mean, look at what I'm wearing. Yeah, bandolier and a loincloth, like always. And a loincloth says, toot me.

Exactly. I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much...

I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much...

I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much...

I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much...

I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... I don't know how much... Exactly. Listen, I would ask, is there something wrong with me? What is it that I'm not doing for them? I have tuped my way across Zix. This is a sort of heady society, Dara. I don't know if they can... Have we checked how they procreate? Is duping even

Oh, they do, it's just that they want to make a meaningful connection Before they do it And I just wanted to Dara, maybe it's time to, you know See if you could make a connection with someone Here in this part of space We're gonna leave this place We're not here for the long haul

I just want to be up front and raw. I don't know if the raw thing is going to happen. Lead Envoy C-53, there is an incoming transmission from Missions Operations, Missions Assignments, and Missions Envoy Associate, Nermit Bundeloy. Hey, Nermit. What's up, man? Hello. Hey. One missionit. What's up, man? Hello. Hey. One mission in the books, huh?

Not bad. Not bad. Yeah, I may have struck out last night, but we nailed that first mission. Yeah, I mean, you're telling me that the piece was brokered. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, we didn't really do that part, but we did hold down a parking spot for a while. Yeah. We held on to that parking spot, and I flew up.

Yeah, good job, Margie. Look, I'm not going to tune my own horn, but now I'm going to. Oh. Oh. That's a good horn. Wow. You can't. You can't deny it.

That's the captain's horn. You're not the captain anymore. This was mine. It doesn't have to be just for the captain. But I thought that was like your captain's horn. I got really good at this while we were lost in space, AJ. Let me have this. Just saying.

You're not, you know, we gotta follow protocol. We gotta follow... Fine! You didn't have to do that. Wow. No, it's fine. If I can't enjoy the horn, even when I'm not the captain anymore, no one can enjoy

the horn. I think C-53 technically, you could probably have that horn now since you're lead envoy. Well, it's sort of a moot point as the horn has been think C-53 technically, you could probably have that horn now since you're lead envoy. Well, it's sort of a moot point as the horn has been destroyed, but also I lack the hands to manipulate the horn. Or a mouth. Alright, so not a musician. Diaphragm.

Lips. I can still speak. You don't need any of those things to make yourself heard. Sure, there's not a speaker in a marching band though, so it's kind of... Okay, can everyone hear me? Why would you ever need a toaster to be that loud?

If there were a fire risk or any other sort of emergency, I think you'd be thankful your toaster was that loud. Ugh, alright. Oh, sorry guys, I buried the lead. Look. Nobody? There's another office. I buried the lead. Look. Nobody? Wow, Tim.

Nobody? It's another office. I'm in Optisoft. I'm in the software service company that was through the window last time, behind me. What? Now I'm in the office. It's functionally identical to the office you were in last time. I'm in Detroit, and I can't tell the difference between the two locations.

I'll tell you what isn't identical. Revenue, which is up 55% month over month because of some extremely successful marketing of redundant cloud services. You know what, Nermin? I'm just glad you're happy. You seem happier, honestly, than I've seen you in a long time. I mean, look, can you see where the cubicles end? No. No.

No. That's the right answer. All right. That would depress many people. Guess I can't enjoy any of these horns either. There's so many. Where did you even get these? I've really come to love brass instruments.

Oh, Gar. Gar, as lead envoy, I'm listening to you stop throwing these horns about. Some of them have, well, not horns, but such a spiker talent on the edge. Well, as lead envoy, these all belong to you, your highness. No, it's not. It's not royalty. It's not. Your Highness. It's not royalty.

Yeesh. Nermit, did you just call so that I would have to empty my room of the joy of music? Or do you have a purpose for patching in? Yes, indeed. I have a mission. All right, let's do this. As we've established, the Coalition of United Planets was very pleased with our first mission, but it did reveal one issue.

C-53 lacks a suitable body for the role of lead envoy. Wait, Nermin, our mission is to get C-53 a new droid frame? Yes. Amazing! I mean, they of course didn't know, when I say droid frame, they don't seem to know what those words mean, but I've patched it together. And yes, we're going to get a new body for C. So this name may not mean much to you yet. But believe me, this is an incredible honor because you will be visiting Dr. Elliot Traumaticor. Whoa.

The only robotic scientist in this galaxy who has come close to creating a fully autonomous AI like we have in the Zik Squadron. So we're talking about some kind of amateur here. Right. Yeah, I mean, this is, as robotics are concerned, this galaxy is sort of. Well, they've never seen a sentient ship, so. Centuries behind us. Yeah. Yeah. Can I make some pitches as to how they should make sentient ships?

Can I make some pitches as to how they should make sentient ships? Some pit... You want to pitch sentient ships to this doctor, Bargy? Yeah, I mean, I have a list of how we could be better. Go for it, Bargy. And my ideal partner. Wow. Oh, wait. You want to make...

You want this doctor to make you like a... Bride of Bargy or a... But, Bargy, what about Jeremiah Frankenfurter? Yeah, what about Jeremiah? We're open, we're fluid. That's beautiful. That's beautiful and I'm very happy for the both of you. Also, I haven't seen him since he was

beamed off of me. Typical. Yeah, no, Jeremiah... So it's very open, very fluid. Yeah, Jeremiah's around here. Jeremiah's trucking around the Synergy. No, it's me.

So here's my pitch. Hold on. I'm printing it out now on my old printer. Okay, so that could be something you start with is maybe like a not. Yeah, laser printer maybe. No, I'm perfect. I'm fine. I love people who I am. Oh, it's not improvements for you? Oh, okay. No, oh. Oh, gosh printer maybe. I'm fine. I love being who I am.

It's not improvements for you? No. Oh, okay. We would never improve upon Bargy. Everything led me to this moment, and I'm okay with who I am. Listen, Bargy, this is... Don't you dare tell me who I am! No, totally.

Whenever I'm cool with who I am, I always make demands on others. That's definitely how I operate. Wow, AJ. I think they should be longer. The ship should be longer? They should have at least three floors. Oh, you're a size queen. I see. Okay.

This is just a blueprint of like a bigger sexy ship. Yeah, I mean, not to put a fine point on it, so far you're describing tiny dudes. Why? The conversation's ended. I'm going to be reprinting back.

I'm reprinting back. No, no, no, you're going to static. Get in the air. We really should get those coordinates from him at the start of the call. It's not the first time this has happened. Well, I guess we should clean up all these

broken horns and get on our way. I'm going to keep this one tiny horn, though. Darn, did you steal that horn from a phoenix? Yeah. You don't get to have this one, C. You can have everything else, including the leadership position.

Darn, I can't use any horn. I don't use any horn. I don't understand how this became a point of contention between us. Well, hey, C-53, this is exciting, right, bud? Finally get out of that toaster. Maybe you'll get like a cool, maybe get one like with guns in the shoulders or tire treads instead of legs. Are you designing your perfect partner right now? I don't know. I'm just spitballing.

Plek, would you be excited to have your legs removed and new legs put on? Hell yeah, Knight. Hell yeah, Rook. Okay, and now what if you were told the person who made those legs had only just figured out

how to make the legs? I'll think on it, Knight. Okay. Good point, Rook. Attention all crew of the RSS Synergy. This is Ensign Rolfus Tittle, lead espionage and reconnaissance officer, currently awaiting assignment. But, in the interim, I've also been named head of laundry operations, and today I have a friendly reminder. When you turn in your top wet look, definitely sexy for a reason, uniforms to be washed be washed please please first remove your communicator

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Stitchfix.com slash zyxx. Good, Rolfus. Next time use charisma. Excuse me? This charisma sold underwear for the Rebellion. Wow, there are a lot of other people on this space station. Whoa. Oh, look, you know, a prominent scientist might have any number of people working as his support staff.

Yeah, but there are all those buildings over there and those streets. Sort of like a little town almost. Yeah, very retro too. Like all these glass domes covering like an arboretum and laboratories. Very cool. Well, okay, this fills me with a little bit more confidence. I clearly know something about the space station. Hey there,

would you like some free floppy disks? Oh, well, I've never lost confidence so quickly. Yeah, sure, I'll take a couple. I have my music on it. Oh, I'm not allowed to enjoy music anymore. No, thank you. Oh, come on.

Dar, please. Dar. Dar. Free floppy disks. Free floppy disks. Could you take the floppy disks that the person jammed into my toaster slots? Maybe I'll give it a listen, you know? Do you even have a floppy player?

No, I mean, I don't know how I would play this at all. I mean, it's all ones and zeros at some point, right? I can figure it out. Can you? I mean, not me personally, but... that's sort of what I was getting at. But that guy wasn't like a scientist or anything. Why is he on the space station? Can you guys like, you're taking

up the whole sidewalk. Oh. You're walking slow. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. Can I get by here? Okay. Are you even from here? Guys, guys. No. No. We're not. That guy doesn't have a back of a head. Oh, wow. He, we're not. That guy doesn't have the back of a head. Oh, wow.

He's got wires and shit. Fully exposed. Oh, that's it. Excuse me for trying to get to work, everyone. I hope you're having a fun vacation. What? That was a drug? Excuse me for trying to get to work, everyone.

I hope you're having a fun vacation. Okay, and he's just sort of doing that. Excuse me for trying to get to work, everyone. He's just sort of doing a loop here. Oh, no. Excuse me for trying to get to, no. Excuse me for trying... We should kill them, right? I mean, that would be a solution.

Deactivate them, sorry. Deactivate them. Yeah, no, I don't think we should do that either. Oh, hello there. I see you've met my wonderful creations. Oh, your creations. Yes, great. I think we're here to see you, actually.

We're here to see this redhead in a white coat? AJ. Excuse me. A doctor in the white coat. Oh, sure. Fair point. Dr. Elliot Traumaticor. Wait.

This guy has the same name as the guy we're supposed to see. Oh, sweet AJ Hello, Dr. Tricor I am C-53, a sentient in need of some robotics expertise Yeah, AJ, hold the toaster a little closer so the doctor can hear us Thank you, AJ Your toaster can talk? Yeah

Yes, our toaster is a droid He's a droid inside of a toaster can talk. Yeah. Yes. Right. Our toaster is a droid. He's a droid inside of a toaster. Ah, absolute. May I just, can I hold you? Please. Can I just? Yes, absolutely. Would you all mind if I just had a word to the side with C-5-3?

You want to have an aside, just the two of you. We're just going to, we'll just do a quick aside, guys. We'll be right back. Whoa. It feels weird being on the other side of an aside, I've got to say. Yeah, it should feel weird because when I was captain, I would have never done this to this crew. What happened?

What did they do to you? Did they do this to you? Are you in trouble? No, I'm okay. This is my crew. We're part of a group of envoys for a crew. I was in a more advanced frame that was destroyed

on a particularly dangerous mission. So currently this toaster is the only thing that lets me be mobile, but also project my voice. Well, honestly, it's a little confining. Alright, sorry, I just have to make sure that he was here on his own free will

and perhaps you weren't torturing him. What torture? Boy, is that common? Doctor Traumatic Horror? Yes. I have the files you wanted me to process inside of my data. Thank you so much, Sharon. You're welcome.

Ah, you could have given Sharon any voice, but you wanted Sharon to sound like this. Yes, every being, if you will, that's what they are to me, has their own take on well, parts of my past. Oh, so this Sharon is sort of a reflection of somebody you used to know? Yes, with slight altercations to the original Sharon, obviously. What are the alterations? Dr. Shemadekor?

Yes, Sharon. Here are the documents. I think you're the greatest sentient ever. I would never not date you. Sharon. I'm serious on what the changes might be. greatest sentence ever i would never not date you sorry is sharon is sharon your girlfriend dr traumatic or oh well we're not we don't want to jinx it you know it's still kind of recent uh but the old sharon she was seeing someone so when i asked her out you know i you know like, okay, we're just gonna, we're just gonna be coworkers because you're in a situation.

Right. We'll be professional. Uh, this Sharon, believe it or not, this Sharon's single and she actually asked me out. So it's just a way. Wow. I know. So you're into Sharon? You know, why?

Do you like off-putting personalities? I'm sorry. I just want to... You've come here because your friend is trapped in a toaster. You need my help to get him into a better body. But along the way, you want to ask me about my personal relationship with Sharon, both of us whom you just met. I just want to make sure. It's a little inappropriate.

It's a little inappropriate. We've been coming pretty hot. Yeah, sorry, Dr. Traumaticor. But just to clarify, there are no other real people on this space station? Everyone's a robot except you? Uh, yes. The short answer is yes. Wait, what's the long answer?

Listen, we can talk about how I've created what I've created here and what it took, or we can help friend in his body. I'm gonna vote for the second. I would love to be helped out of this toaster. But I'll give you both. I'll give you a short story. Oh, why don't you come in? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, me too. Hey, you wanna go do some teenage things down by the creek? Just change the oil on the reg and she'll run for you. Hey, there is your local podiatrist. I love your face. I had a weird life.

Okay. All these are robots? These are herminoids. You see, I've been at this station for quite some time now. And the planet I'm from in this galaxy, Girth. I don't know if you're familiar with this galaxy. Okay, is it big? It was big. It no longer exists.

Really bad Hermans destroyed Girth a long time ago. I bet it was pretty girthy. It's a little insensitive. My home planet is destroyed. I know. I'm i just i'm not myself today clearly you all aren't from here no no morning dr t another beautiful day on girth hello this planet that still exists oh okay so you're traumatized from your planet blowing up until you've like recreated all these robots to be all the people that you love that you lost.

AJ. That's it. Is that it? Is that it? He sort of doubled down on what he just said. We should be doing pretty cool. Firing off on all cylinders today. I'm feeling great.

I'm feeling great. But he never said that, but I intuited. He has like a tear kind of in his eye right now. That was honestly spot on. And it brings up a lot of... You were okay with AJ saying that? I'm not okay with him saying it. It just happens to be spot on.

It doesn't change the fact that it's rude and it hurts my feelings. Elliot, son, I'm going to work and I will return. Have a good day, father. I will. It won't be my last. Oh, no. Whoa. So his actual dad is, like, totally dead.

And that robot recreates his last day over and over because that totally reminded that he's dead. AJ. That was a step too far. Wow. It's just, I don't know anything about any of you other than the fact that you need me to help your friend. Yeah. Doctor is lead envoy. I have to apologize for my crew.

It's not really their place to question your decisions. Wow. Wow. Not our place. No more questions from the peanut gallery. Dar. Okay, Dar, AJ, let's just leave them to it, okay? Dr. Traumaticor,

could we actually maybe just stroll through your beautiful space station? Oh, please. Great, wonderful. We'll try not to tube anything up. Yeah, are they all going to be talking about how they're not going to die? Is that going to be kind of something? AJ, we will talk about this later.

Okay, cool. Oh, just don't sign up for any email! Don't give anyone your email while you're here! not gonna die is that gonna be something we will talk about this later okay cool oh just don't sign up for any email don't give anyone your email while you're here i'll figure it out Stand clear of the closing doors, please. Hey, Dar, I feel like things got just a little bit heated back there with Dr. Dramaticor. Ugh, I know. And really with C-53 as well. It's not that I'm upset about the demotion.

I feel like it. I'm upset about the demotion. It's just that I can't help but kind of revert to the Dar I was before I had a leadership position, you know? Yeah, you know, you kind of rose to the occasion as captain. Yeah, and now that I'm not the captain, I kind of get to be the same surly but horny alien that I was before. surly but horny alien that I was before. Sure, but Captain Dar, isn't that exactly what you might say if you were, you know, like, making excuses for rude behavior and didn't want anyone to know how upset you were? Wow, AJ, you are really diagnosing everybody today. I mean, they did destroy, like, 30 brass instruments.

That's not really surly or horny, so... Yeah, I mean, if anything, it's anti-horny, right? Okay. Excuse me. Sorry. I am Dr. Traumatic Horse Psychiatrist. And I've noticed there's some emotional

problems happening in this circle of sentience. See, Katandar, even this robo-robot sees what's going on. Yeah, that's true. Would you like to prescribe you something? Like me to prescribe you something?

I don't know. If we say yes, will that stop that twitch in your neck? No. Oh, no. Then we're probably good, I think. We're fine. Hustle. Hustle. Hustle down this corridor. Then we're probably good, I think. We're fine. Hustle. Okay.

Hustle down this corridor. Whatever you're feeling is normal. Some of these robots are really creepy. Is this what Girth was like? Excuse you, my name is Michael. Would you like to donate to my school's dog ball team? I don't have. We're post money. Michael, would you like to donate to my school's Zogball team? I don't have.

We're post-money. We're post-money. Zogball helps so many of the youth in troubled neighborhoods. How do you know Dr. Traumaticor? Michael, would you like to... Should we sign? I'm just going to sign. I'm going to sign and just... I probably won't do anything about it, but I'm just going to sign.

Thank you. Is there a single normal robot on this space station? It's me, your aunt. Please come into my bosom. Oh, no. What? Her arms are so big. It's me.

Please call the two of my boys. Wow, this ant has a body. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. We got to get out of here. We got to get out of here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

The ant's arms were built twice as large as they should be, and we're trying to retire this model. Who are you? I'm so sorry. Who are you? You're not an android? The ant's arms were built twice as large as they are supposed to be, so we're retiring that.

Oh, no. It's a robotic version of an apologetic engineer. We got to go. The ant's arms were built twice as large as they should be. Go, go, go. Stop it, do-mine. Oh, no. I gotta go! Go, go, go! Come into my house! No, no! Well, so, Dr. Traumaticor,

if you just sort of pop the latch on the back of the toaster, you'll be able to see my cube there. That's where my sentience is actually stored. My word, this is... I've never seen anything this technologically advanced. Only now am I realizing I've been half-assing it. Oh, that's...

Hey, you know, Doctor, you haven't had any contemporaries working on artificial intelligence. You had to end up bouncing kids off of, you know, it's very difficult. With this technology, I could possibly go full ass. Yeah, I hope you do. I'm looking to have a full ass frame. Hmm.

I think I have it. Okay. Wow. Really? How do you feel about Plaid? Ooh, um... You know what? I'm willing to give it a shot. Doctor, my sentience is in your capable hands. Just checking. You can't feel pain, right? Uh...

It actually depends on the construction of the frame, so... Hmm... Okay. Don't worry. I wish you hadn't asked that question right now, but... Okay. Okay. I think we lost that ant with the giant arms.

Yeah. I think we're good. But this town, this town of robots, it just keeps going. This space station must have thousands of robots on it. It's insane. That's really crazy. Guy must get real bored and lonely out here. They're all in their own endless loops of

their routines. At first it looks like a real city, but you look closer and they're all just doing the same thing over and over again. Your book report was so great. A star. I mean, I'll take that star sticker. Your book report was so great.

This loop is very short. Wait, I'll take this. I'll take another sticker. Your book report was so great. A star. Oh, wow. I'll dole mind if I do. Three stars for Dar. Alright, let's go. Your book report was

so great. A star. let's go. Your book report was so... A star. Just a sec. I'll take another. Thank you. Yeah, taking meaningless accolades from a robot is definitely something you do if you had no self-esteem issues. Yep.

Yep. Good stuff. Okay. The creepy thing is that the star comes out of her mouth. Yeah, it's always on the tip of her tongue. Oh, hey, everyone. I'm sorry to bug you. Have you seen, like, a gray leather wallet?

No, man. Sorry. No, man. Bummer. Yeah, sorry. Bummer. Do you need to borrow something? I mean...

You haven't walked off. You're just sitting there running your hands over your... I just am certain it was here, so one of you must have taken it. You stuck around to accuse us of stealing it. Okay. Guys, have you seen his wallet?

Oh. We're being flanked. I guess I'll look somewhere else. Okay, good luck. I'll let you know if it turns up. Have you seen his wallet? Oh, we're being flanked. That's not... I guess I'll look somewhere else. Okay, good luck. I'll let you know if it turns up. He should be around here. Now, is that a robot who was programmed to not know where his wallet was?

Or is that a robot that was programmed to do something else and he's lost his wallet? Hey, everyone. Sorry, did you see a guy looking for a gray wallet? Yeah. Yeah, we did. He went that way, but... Yeah, it looks just like you. He took my wallet, and then he lost it.

I see what's happening. I see what's happening. Wait, so the robots are doing this, or is this a loop? This is sort of a dual thing where part of their loop is stealing each other's wallet. There's one wallet between the two of them. So then whose wallet are you looking for? Oh, I'm looking for their wallet, too. What?

Whose wallet? This is all programmed? Yeah. What part of girth does this reflect, is my question. My nose is bleeding. It shouldn't be. It is, though. How are they programmed to do this loop? What's going on? I'm gonna go look for that ladder.

Hey, everyone. Did you see a couple of guys No there's a third one One of them Said they lost a wallet the other one claimed It was their wallet Well what's the truth Oh I was hoping you knew it's just crazy right

That's crazy Like this whole thing is a loop I don't know Wait a second this is crazy but I don't have my wallet. I knew it. I knew it. Guys, we gotta get out of here. This is... No questions asked, but if one of you took it,

can I have it back? I don't have your wallet, man. I think one of those other two guys probably has it. But you also have a friend who's programmed to help you, I guess? Hey, has anyone seen this wallet? There's another woman? Like, why is there another woman? We lost this wallet. We're trying to look for the wallet.

Oh, I hate this. Okay, we're leaving. Good luck. That's why I always use a fanny pack. So, Doctor, I know you might not be familiar with the cube interface that my sentience is stored in, but I can actually probably run you through where the most likely connection is from my central processing unit to whatever, you know, servo control you're using. Whoa, I'm actually done. Oh, wow. Yeah, you were, yeah, I knocked you out.

Like, when you told me you might feel pain, I just, I took care of it. I shut you down for a moment. I took care of everything. You're done here. My God. This frame is indistinguishable from an organic body. I can't. I've never seen anything like this. I know it's a lot to take in right now.

You were speaking to me. You were going back and forth. Yeah, and then I... You're here now. I... It was like a to take in right now. You were speaking to me. You were going back and forth. Yeah, and then I... You're here now. I... It was like a blip, and now... Doctor, am I... Is this body based on somebody you knew?

Yeah, I had a roommate in college. His name was Jeremy. Real dick. Hmm. But I think... But I think it'll fit you much better than it fit the original Jeremy. Okay. Here's the thing. It's... I... Nothing about fit you much better than it fit the original Jeremy. Okay. Here's the thing.

It's nothing about anyone you came here with, but it seems like it fits the crew you're with. It's very unassuming. You have arms and legs. Again, you went from a toaster. It seems like you were almost useless, perhaps physically, before your old state. Doctor, I have no sensors. I have no infrared. I'm not connecting to the sort of greater data sphere at all.

I mean, it seems like this is just a regular organic body. It seems like. Yeah, I... It seems like. Yeah. You have many surprises I filled you with. This is my body, I don't want surprises. Let's have some specifics here, doctor. I kept some of your toaster

elements. Just in case. Doctor, that was... I don't know if I made that clear, but it was very not necessary to do that. Is this my voice? Is this what I sound like? This is how Jeremy sounded. Okay. Where are the toaster parts? If I just told you how everything worked and where it was located, wouldn't that take out some of the fun of it? Don't you want some self-discovery?

You have to understand, for me, this is a very... Wow, these are my hands, huh? Yeah, you've got fingers now. Yeah. I mean, I've had fingers before, but these are really... I even have nails. Let's play just a small getting to know ourselves game. What was something that you,

what was your thing in your old body? I mean, I guess if I had a thing, it was sort of, you know, I'm the knowledgeable one. I sort of have most information sort of quick at hand. I'm just going to shoot this one at you,

and you just say what comes to your mind first. Sure. All right? Yeah. Five times five. 25. Great. That sort of took longer than it normally does.

Okay. If I were leaving from a train station, Okay. point A at 345. Okay. PM. Sure. Let's just say point A was 400 kilometers from point B.

Okay. I'm getting you mostly here. Yeah. And you're riding your space tricycle. Okay. Okay. Which doesn't go very fast. Sure.

Three miles per hour. Oh, okay. So different units. Okay. Okay, which doesn't go very fast. Sure. Three miles per hour. Oh, okay, so different units. Okay. How long would it take you to get from point A to point B on a space tricycle? Jeez. You told me you were a very knowledgeable being. Yeah, no, you're right. I don't think it'd be much for you to handle both units.

Do you have, like, a pencil and paper or something? Did you use a paper and pencil before? No, but I can't seem to work it out. Surprise. It takes time. Surprise what? Surprise you made me less useful? You had everything just come to you with the blink of an eye. You could

solve any question, any problem and maybe that helped the missions you were on or whatever activities you and your friends did. Frequently, yes. It did. It was extremely useful. But did it make you happy? Yes. Well, I missed it. I'm sorry.

I dropped the ball on this. Jeez, Doc. I apologize. Doc, come on. I assumed. I made so many assumptions at the beginning of this process. Wow. I figured you were almost like a miserable brain slave for them.

No. They just use you when they need you to give them information, and they force you into this toaster, but you were too afraid to say anything about it. I thought I was freeing you. I thought the knowledge was crippling you, and I just thought not being as perfect would make you a happier sentient. You know, honestly, I think you might be doing me a favor

if you put me back inside the toaster. That's not possible. What do you mean that's not possible? That's just not possible. I took it completely apart. Oh, come on! There were your shackles! I destroyed them!

Wait a second. What did you do with my cube? Did you upload me into this weird new body? It's right here. It's right here in your chest. You follow the nipple line and right in the middle. Stop touching my chest. I just want you to know where your body is and how it works.

I get it. I like to think of it as a little cubed heart. Well, it's a terrible analogy because it's my brain more than anything, so... What is this? Is there water coming out of my head? Yeah, you're sweating!

You're sweating! Why would you make a frame that sweats? I just thought you wanted to fill the experience of life! Not this part of life! This sucks! It's clammy and weird! I hate this! Listen, a her-man's

life is filled with plight. I Listen, a her-man's life is filled with plight. I am not a her-man. Also, did Jeremy yell a lot? I feel like I'm yelling way more than I used to. Listen, I said Jeremy was a dick, but he had his moments, and I've made you a better version of Jeremy. Jeremy's not bad.

Jeremy sucks. Jeremy sucks That's right people Ride it like you stole it Feel your heart pumping as you own that hill I see Sukandu I'm proud to be not only The author of my new book Making it work in a New Galaxy,

available for free at the ship's bookstore, because apparently books are free here, but also the newest and tightest spin instructor here at the Synergy Gymnasium. You are taking care of your bodies, and that's what matters. Woo! And don't forget to take care of your inner self as well. And what better way to do it than with BetterHelp, an official sponsor of the Coalition of United Planets. Don't let up, people.

Hey, I mean you, Cherskin. Now, BetterHelp is a customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions. You know, they'll match you with the therapies in under 48 hours. I said 48. And I've heard that's how long this class feels. I know that was a joke. Okay, let's increase that resistance.

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the ship's holographic therapist all named Tilda, BetterHelp's therapists are actual real people. I miss real people. See if it's for you. Riders in this class get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Zix.

That's BetterHelp.com slash zix that's better h-e-l-p.com slash zix the finish line is yours hey keep it up three two one whoo yeah oh oh wow you all brought it each and every one of you even kerskin i can't i'm sorry i can't say your name okay betterhelp.com slash zix keep it I can't say your name. Okay, betterhealth.com slash Zex. Keep it tight. Plek, I just want to say it was a good intention removing me from the room with seeing the doctor. I was getting heated in there, but I've not enjoyed exploring this place. This has been much weirder.

I wish we had stayed with C-53 because that at least seemed normal. It was at least a person acting in a normal way. Alright, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I can find this wallet. AJ, stop digging. No, stop.

It doesn't matter. Gotta be. Excuse me. Oh, great. Here's the doctor. Are you rummaging in my trash? What's happening over here? Who are you?

Who are you people? Why are you at my station? Was he this old when we talked to him earlier? It's like the one that we met, but older somehow. Sorry, Dr. Travaticor, were you wearing that white suit and walking with that cane when we talked to you earlier?

Was your hair lighter or were you wrinkled? Is this a timey-wimey thing? It better not be a timey-wimey thing. Maybe it is. I can't even... Where's C-53? Who? C-53, the robot that we left you with. The toaster you've been helping.

The toaster I've been helping. Hold on a second. You don't know who we are? No, I've made everyone here, so I don't... None of you seem like anything I've created. You've made everyone here. But we met you earlier. So one of you, either you or the other Dr. Traumaticor, is a robot.

Oh, the other Dr. Traumaticor. Yes, you ran into my double. How can you say that so casually? You ran into my double? Yes. You see, I made a double of myself in the prime of my life. What? Oh, I hate this robot stuff.

We gave our robot to your robot? Wait, wait, wait. Now, now, let's not jump to conclusions. This could be the robot. We were responsible and gave C to the non-robot. AJ, check him for parts. Okay. Yeah, that's real. Okay, yeah, that's... Those are guts. Okay. Yeah, that's real.

Those are guts. Tickle them under the armpits. That's the way to do it. Stop that. I feel heart, kidney, liver. That's real. You don't tickle doctors. I don't know where galaxy you're from. Where I'm from, you do not tickle doctors. Get a hold of yourselves.

You don't tickle doctors where we're from, either. This is all new to us. No one's tickling doctors. Don't worry about that. Well, listen, Doctor, it's great to meet you finally, but we need to find our protocol droid. I think we may have accidentally given him to your double. Did you bring your droid here for me to work on it?

That was the plan. That was the intention. The thing is, I'm from a planet called Girth, and I'm the only survivor of it. Uh-huh. I've been here so long alone that at one point I started to miss the nuances of Girth. Right. So I started to make

all these flawed robots just to remind me of the not-so-great part of Girth as well. No kidding. But one of the robots you made is you. Yeah, I... Let's just say at one point I wanted to break down who I was on the inside. I don't know how to explain it, but I wanted to make a better version of myself, but I fell short in some ways.

And that's who has C-53. The bad version of you. Oh, well, I don't... Why did you leave him with? has C-53. The bad version of you. Oh, well, I don't... Why did you leave him with my copy? He was you. He said he was you. Yeah, he's gonna put our friend in a new body. He's making him a new robot body.

Oh, is that what he told you he was going to do? I mean, he wants to... He's literally me, so he wants to build an event, but he hasn't quite been able to actually assemble anything. I don't quite have the technology for him to understand. Doctor, you'll have to excuse us. We're feeling

an overwhelming need to run back to C-53 right now. Yeah, we should not be talking to you if we don't know where C-53 is. I can carry you. Come on. You can come with me. I'm not a robot. I can carry you. Come on. You can go with me. Whoa. I'm not a robot.

I'm just a super soldier. You're very strong. What's with the wallet guys? Oh, the wallet guys. You haven't seen a great wallet, have you? No! Okay. The wallet is actually missing. That's a little scientist humor.

I was messing with you. I know it's actually crazy. The wallet is actually missing. That's a little scientist humor. I was just, I was messing with you. I know it's actually crazy. Yeah. He never finds it. Is there a wallet, though? Is it somewhere? There is a wallet somewhere. Really?

Do you have the wallet? No, but I'll give you a hint. It's in the first place that robot looked. Oh, no. No. But he's not programmed to look there again. Exactly. I hate this stuff. My nose is bleeding. Okay, I think you're all done here,

C-53. No, no, no, no. Doctor, listen. I don't know what you did here, but I'm going to need a different... This is... It's got so many problems. You there, Elliot, what are you doing? Oh, Master, I didn't know that you would... I... Whoa!

I did it! I finally did it. I've created my first herminoid. Wait a minute. What is going on? I'm the first herminoid you've ever created? Who is this person? Who is this?

Nobody even recognizes me. Who is this guy who's yelling a lot? Where is C-53? Here. Here is C-53. C-53. You're? C-53, that's you? Yes, I did not pick the plaid pants, okay?

Did you pick the toaster slots in your butt? Are those visible? Where are those? That's the first thing I noticed. Oh, it's a full-ass hermitage. Wow, C-53, you look amazing. You look exactly like a Tellurian, you know, except with a couple of ridges in your head. Oh, barf, am I right?

Ugh, this is a nightmare. Man, how did you do it, Dr. Traumaticor? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why are you talking to him? This is Dr. Traumaticor. Well, we're actually both Dr. Traumaticor. We know. But I'm the her is Dr. Traumaticor. Well, we're actually both Dr. Traumaticor. We know. But I'm the Hermann Traumaticor.

He's the Hermanoid Traumaticor. Right. Oh, come on. No, no, no, no, no. C-53, this is incredible. See, Dr. Traumaticor created Dr. Traumaticor, and then he created you. He did not create me. Created your body.

The difference is significant. Okay. But look, this is exactly what you wanted. This is a This is not what I wanted. Okay. This is a perfect droid frame for you. You can go anywhere. You can

do anything that we can do. Oh, yeah. What are you, an expert on droid frames all of a sudden? This frame is terrible. What's terrible about it? No infrared. No ultraviolet. I'm bad at math all of a sudden. Yeah. I sweat.

Why? Why? I'm getting red in the face when he yells. Now I'm getting red when I yell? This is terrible! This is awesome. I'll be honest. I can fix anything you feel is wrong with you,

but I have to say, I don't want to step on Dr. Traumaticor's toes. Listen, I'm quite taken aback. You'll have to forgive me. I'm having a moment. You see,

I've made these hermenoids to reflect what I thought was her-man life. I played the great creator, if you will. But now, in watching Arthramatical create

its own sentient being, it seems that the hermenoid has become the her-man. Now, what do I its own sentient being, it seems that the Hermanoid has become the Her-Man. No. No, it hasn't. C53, just let him. He's an old man.

Just let him finish what he's saying. Fine, fine. Let him do whatever he wants. Everyone just do whatever you want. I'm going back to the ship. Master, it sounds like what you're saying is I'm a her-man too.

Right. In fact, perhaps you're not my master, you're my peer. Wait a minute. If I'm my own true version of Dr. Dramaticore... Guys, I feel like this might take a while. I feel like this

might go on for a little while. We should probably go. Yeah, listen, I'm done with this. So whenever you're ready, go. Whoa. Leave the way, C. Guys, look at this. Has anyone seen a gray wallet? No. Get out of here.

Has anyone seen this wallet? Oh, by the way, since you are the first Hermannort that I've made, I just want to be able to keep in touch, you know, from here and there. So before you all leave. Don't give him your email. I just need your email just to stay in touch. No, I don't need your email. That was your advice.

Oh, what's the worst that could happen? It's an email. I'm not going to blast you constantly. It's not going to be overwhelming. Just check in here and there. Sure, that's what you say. So what's happening? And then all of a sudden, I'm getting going to be overwhelming. Just check in here and there. Give you updates on what's happening. And then all of a sudden,

I'm getting deals offered to me. Yeah, Herman, Doctor, is that a good idea? I don't want to shoot him down. He's done something so great today. Don't give him your email. Do not give him your email. Okay, alright. Listen, Doctor, Doctor, this has been enlightening, your email. Do not give him your email. Okay, alright. You'll never stop last.

Listen, doctor, doctor, this has been enlightening, and even though I think C-53 is still kind of processing what's happening, I think you've done him a real favor today. Let's go already! Wow, right out of the butt. That's hot. That's crispy.

You want to get the butter on that, it'll melt instantly. I'm not going to eat. Are you saying I have to eat now? Yes, you have to eat to live now. I'm sorry. I should have made that clear. Yeah. Come on! This is CRUD IT 5.

Credits and attributions join commencing outro protocol. Plek Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. Beat Envoy C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Margie the Ship, Sisu Gundu, Sharon, the Aunt with Huge Arms, and the Lady Helping the Wallet Guys Look for Their Wallet were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Nermit Bundeloy and the Wallet Guys were played by Seth Lind. AJ and Rolf Estetl were played by Winston

Null. Dr. Dramaticore and Dr. Dramaticore were played by special guest Ray Cordova. Ray is an actor, writer, comedian born and raised in Queens, New York. He can be seen on the Netflix original series Astronomy Club, The Sketch Show, which he co-created, co-starred,

co-wrote, and co-produced with his comedy troupe, Astronomy Club. This episode was edited by Alden Ford. The sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by Fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Additional music by Shane O'Connell.

Dar's horn solo was performed by Riley Mulherker. Opening call narration by Jeremy Cratchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. From the internationally acclaimed creators of Who Shot Ya? comes the movie podcast Maximum Film. Starring producer

and film festival programmer Drea Clark as a woman bound by passion. I saw this eight months ago on the festival circuit, and I loved it. Film critic Alonzo Duralde as a man corrupted by greed. Why watch one Hallmark Christmas movie when I can watch seven? And comedian

Ify Wadiwe as a man protecting a love that society simply won't accept. I think Pacific Rim is a perfect movie. And if you can't accept that, then I want you out of my life. From the makers of the movie podcast Who Shot Ya? comes Maximum Film. That's right. We changed the name of our show to Maximum Film. But don't worry.

We're still a movie review show that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes. So tune in to Maximum Film at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Are you ready to binge watch something old? The Greatest Generation is a podcast about Star Trek by a couple of hosts a little bit embarrassed to even have a Star Trek podcast. Hosted by me, Ben Harrison and me, Adam Pranica. We get into the critical, the technical, the science fictional aspects of the show we love while roasting it and each other at the same time. We've completed an entire series

about Star Trek The Next Generation and another one about Star Trek Deep Space Nine. And we've just begun Star trek voyager so now is a great time to start watching a new star trek series with us so subscribe to the greatest generation on maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts and become a friend of de soto today maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported your book report was so good oh wait that's creepy all of my teachers no i can't say that what always used to reward me with their mouths oh oh Oh, wow. You got to do that. That's what Allie said. That's what Allie said. That's what Allie said.

That's what Allie said. Allie Kokish said. Allie Kokish talking about the T-shirts. Never let her forget that she said that. Not cutting it out of the app. Okay. Too hot even for the outtake. Never see the light of day.

That's important. Off-season episode.