Mission To Zyxx - 505: Being Jawn Malevolent [ft. James Urbaniak]

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut BundaloyWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as BargieWith special guest James Urbaniak as Ello MaxEdited by Seth LindSound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Theme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic OrchestraOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. 

This is CRet IT5 with a very special announcement. Mission to Zix is returning to the stage for a live show! That's right. Join us on Sunday, October 3rd at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York for a fully improvised, fully sound-designed episode created live before your eyes and ears. We know October is a ways out, but we are excited, and we want to give everyone time to plan their cross-galaxy trips to NYC.

Find info and tickets at mission2zix.space. Did we mention we're excited? Space. Some is chill. Some is tooped up. All is part of the great, infinite, cosmic ballet. The venerable starship, the RSS Synergy, forges ever deeper into uncharted regions of their galaxy, growing the coalition of united planets in the name of science, benevolence, and peace.

science, benevolence, and peace. Now, lead envoy C-53 and his intrepid crew explore new worlds, forge alliances, and search for a way back home to finally fulfill their Mission to Sin. to save us. Hey, Nermit. Hey. Welcome aboard. Good to have you back on the ship.

Well, thank you. Good to be here. I had to come check out C-53's new frame. Check him out. I don't know that you need to do that. Whoa! Are you serious? I mean, I heard about it, but

whoa, you look just like a dude. Yeah. Yep. I look like a dude. Isn't it crazy hearing that voice come out of that face? I know. Hey, C, eat a dude. Isn't it crazy hearing that voice come out of that face? I know. Watch this, watch this. Hey, C, eat a sandwich.

You know, you're joking, but I have a sandwich in hand right now because I have to. Yeah, it's funny because he is eating a sandwich. I'm hungry all the time. I hate it. Well, whatever the reason, Nerman, it's great to have you back on Bargy. Yeah, wanted to see you guys, check out C's frame. They made me leave my office, but it's good to see you. They made you leave your office?

Yeah, consensus was I was spending a little too much time in the reflectorium. It's fine, yeah. How much time were you spending? Oh, I haven't left it. You can make a bathroom in there. Oh, Nerman. left it. You can make a bathroom in there. Oh, Nervin.

Yeah, you had a lot of sort of rich inner life about what all of those fake office buildings were and did. Oh, yeah. Optisoft went through a lot of, like, a round of layoffs, and it hit my team really hard, and it was just a rough... None of those companies... These aren't real companies.

Well, it's barely a company anymore after two of our competitors merged and, like, just we're undercutting our prices. No, Nermit, the buildings in a reflactorium are procedurally generated. They don't sell a product. They don't have employees. We're not selling enough. That's for certain.

Okay. Yeah. All right. So, you know, they thought, Nermit, you deserve slash definitely need a break from this. Yeah. Day off. Yeah. It was like we don't work as much as we used to, right?

We don't. They have a three-day work week here. Wow. Yeah, you know, I'm kind of a fan, honestly. It gives us a chance to, you know, check out the synergy and hang out with each other a little bit. You're not bored? I don't know, in the Zix Quadrant, I felt like we did missions every day. I'm busy.

I'm very busy. I don't even have time for you. You've been in the hangar this whole time. That's what you think. But you never check in. You never ask me, Bargy, what it is that you do every single day. Do you ask me that? To be fair, Bargy, you typically get very angry when we ask personal questions like that. I can't know how dare you ask me that.

See? Yeah, that's a good point. Well, no, I don't know you because we're both discouraged from asking you about your life and you never tell us anything. I'm a complicated character. Oh, Bargy, look at that. You're making C sweat. Oh, it's so...

Do you do this all the time? It's so gross. Yeah, it's a common thing. I don't. I was bred not to. And you know, C53, I gotta say, it feels good, you know, you finally understand what I'm going through when I sweat and cry and bleed. But C's frame, that's even more sweat

than average. You got kind of a lemon there. I'm very clammy right now. You don't sweat this much. Even I don't sweat this much. Like, you got a kind of a lemon there. I'm very clammy right now. You don't sweat this much. Even I don't sweat this much. Touch my forearm. No, I'm not doing it. Touch it. Of course I will. Thank you. Ugh. Whoa, Dar is turning off?

You know, it makes one long for the elegant simplicity of the Midnight Shadow. Or even the workaday simplicity of the Ambassador Frame. I like that guy. Why are you talking about the past

when you can be focusing on my future right now? You're right. Bargy, what it is that you're up to? What it is that I'm up to is I've returned to my roots. I've become an actue. I've returned to the stage. Bungie's back, baby.

She's a theater acturious. Wow. Seems hard to pronounce. Bungie, how are you an actor? There are no other sentient ships in the galaxy. You'd be acting opposite just a bunch of sentient. I have an even more pressing question. What do you feel is the main difference

between hollow and theater? Like, where are you finding yourself? You know, you really become the character. Really? Every single day is a different experience. Same lines, different emotion, different energy from the crowd. I have not been in front of a crowd yet.

I'm just in training. So it's more varied because you repeat everything over and over. Exactly. Anyway, I'm on my way right now to a workshop. What? Wait a second. We have to stay on the ship.

That means we're all on our way. I mean, if you want to come, it's up to you. No, it's not up to us. It's not up to us. We have to come. My golf was still going to be not in the one. You got to keep those windows open when we're on the ship. Otherwise, we don't know if you're going anywhere. Well, Nermit,

guess you're coming with us on this one. I was going to sneak back in the reflectorium. No. No, I mean, honestly, this is fine. Would have loved to have hung out with Horsehat, but they're kind of going through that phase where it's uncool to hang out with your old parent. No, I'm dark.

I'm not crying. Oh, you look like you are. I think you are. I was going to head to the Arboretum and see if I could pick out a new wood saber, but I guess I'll... You're going to break a branch off a tree in the Arboretum? I am going to allow a branch to, you know, meet me,

and then I shall wait till nobody's looking, take it, and turn it into a new wood saber. Black, I don't know if it's a good idea to... Listen, you can't stand between Azima Knight and the weapon that chooses him. Okay. Really, my only plan for today was to bathe myself, but it sort of seems like that's pointless. Not so easy, is it? All I was going to do was

try to see if I could help C experience pain. What? Is that something that C volunteered for? No, but it's part of it. If you could stop flicking my earlobe. It's very annoying. The fear is part of it. It's very annoying. That's part of it.

The fear is part of it. The fear is part of it. Wait, so, Bargy, we're going to one of your shows? We're going to a workshop, which is the show before the show. So a rehearsal? No, it's more like a pre-rehearsal before the rehearsal. Oh, no. Okay, that sounds pretty far back in the process, Marge.

But it's with apparently the premier director of the galaxy. I don't know how this happened. They connected with me, you know? I think even in a different galaxy, people know, sentient know that I have a star quality. It's in. You know, that's something that never changes. Also, yes, I am the only ship here that can speak.

I mean, that alone is a real thing. It's got to count for something. Yeah. Really. Everybody has a gimmick. My loyal honor guard, I, the Gran Kula, hereby present the morning announcement. First, it just moved. Okay.

All right. All right. Let's try to focus up here. Thank you. In just moments we will receive, then humiliate, those Federated Alliance diplomats you see over there struggling to set up that projector. They shall never dare return to FLIRP! Next, an HR note. It's come to my attention that we have a little morale issue. As honor guards, your job is harsh, violent, and underclothes. You must put the life of me, the Kula, ahead of your own. Dear Unflerp...

Okay. May I continue? Yes. Yes. Dear Unflerp, it is finally okay to talk about our mental health. And I am excited to announce that BetterHelp is now available to all members of the guard. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions. They'll match you with a therapist in under 48 hours.

That's shorter than the sensual entrails dance we do after bursting an adversary. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha with my heir, the precious yet super argumentative Kulata. See if it's for you. Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash zix. That's betterhelp.com slash zix. Okay, right. We know how to address, right. You don't even have to. Alright.

Ah, the wretched ambassador's approach. Fingers on your triggers. I mean, get a load of this chump. People of Flurf, greetings. My name is... I'm sorry. Archie, is that the theater you're performing in? Yes. That theater is barely big enough for you to fit in. Yeah, Fleck, I don't know if I'd lead with that. No, I'm just, I just, how is it?

It's intimate. It's intimate. You're right there. That's the whole point. Thank you, AJ. Intimate space. Right, and Fleck, as you know, I am dealing with my size right now, so that was, in a way, a very sensitive question. Cassie's shaming. Yikes. I just think you and I really have a one-on-one fairly soon. Okay, all right. Yeah, just let me know, I guess.

I'm not looking forward to that. So yeah, Dara, it was super cool. I was watching this marathon about hoarding. Okay, see, Nermit, the thing is, when you're told to take a break from technology, you actually also shouldn't talk about it when you're not using it. Yeah, yeah, one second.

So in the Reflectorium, you can build your own world, but you can also just watch programming. And you can not only watch the programs, you can keep as many as you want in the memory card of the Reflectorium. So you can just keep so many episodes about hoarding. Hey, Burfitt. Burfitt. The director here is very much against any sort of technology. So please do not embarrass any of our actors here.

I'm so sorry. It's not part of the process, guys. It's not part of the process. Yeah, yeah. I'm here. I'm in it. I'm in part of the process, guys. It's not part of the process. Yeah, yeah, I'm here. I'm in it. I'm in it for the workshop. When's it done?

Yeah, this isn't the right attitude to be approaching the sweat. Wow. This whole theater, it's so cool. It smells, I think the correct adjective is musty in here Yeah, that's right What's that like to experience must for the first time, C?

Not good, I don't care for the smell It's pretty It's the smell of a theater, C-53 And people go to these willingly? Not really anymore, no Oh, hello And people go to these willingly? Not really anymore, no. Greetings. Oh, hello. Salutations.

Both. Expectorations. Is that when I don't... Does that make you uncomfortable? What, expectorations? Let me tell you something about the theater. When you project on stage, very often spittle ejects from your lips. That's right. Sometimes rains gently on the audience.

Oh, I'm getting... It's a sign of projection, of commitment. Did you get some just now when I said spittle? Oh, yes. Yeah, that was it. Oh, yeah, wow. Does that make you uncomfortable? Leave your discomfort at the door here at Theater Max.

Hello. All right. Very well. I am L.O. Max, director and actor. Oh. Is there a Bajie here? Yes, it is me, Bajie, the Bajarian Jane. I am formerly Ship of the Stars.

Are you an A.I.? I am formerly ship of the stars. Are you an AI? I am a spaceship. But your intelligence is artificial. I guess I never really thought about it that way. You are welcome here. For theater is artifice. Wow. Intelligence inside artifice.

Yes. Wow, yeah. Margie, you know. Margie, you are the essence of theater. Oh, yes, definitely, absolutely, yes. I don't know exactly what your deal is, but I can already tell. He is something special. And, uh, Mr. Max, is that correct? Please call me Ello.

Oh. We as two formality here at Theatre Max. First names only. Oh, okay. Well, the theatre's the name with your last name then. Yes, because that's the name of the theatre. Wouldn't it be Theatre Ello? Okay, alright. It's fine. I apologize.

Black, do not embarrass me. Bargy. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm so sorry. It's just you have this amazing presence and I don't want to toot it up. Bargy, you have acted before? Yeah, hello. Bargy,

where we're from, is famous. She has a decades-long career of A-list hollows. And some B-list and C-list. Oh, sure. Yes, of course. Let's see a clip. Oh, Barge, I don't have a projector anymore. It's okay. I do.

I do. Oh, wow. Okay. A big screen. Can you set this up for us? It's called Ships on the Line. It's the last performance. Do you want to, like, walk out of here and go fool around somewhere?

I mean, Dart, normally, 100% yes, but just, like, I'm freaking out because I, like, recognize this guy. Okay, a simple no would have been enough. It's like I've seen him over and over and over somewhere. You know what I mean? Does he work without the soft? I changed my mind. I think I want to be a part of this workshop more than I want to go fool around. I totally understand, so let's just figure out

how I know this guy. Dar? Baljeet, are you proud of this performance? Uh, you know, not really. And yet you showed it to us. You were quite eager to show it to us. She does that a lot.

Yeah, we've seen a lot of real short clips of Barney's Crest. And it's like, I hate it. And we're like, okay. Bargy, you come to me a fully formed actor. Wow. Fully formed. Encrusted with bad habits. Encrusted with them like barnacles.

Right. On a ship. I mean, sure. Sure, yeah. It's a metaphor. Yeah. Are you willing to chip away at those bad habits and perhaps find the actor underneath? Yes.

Change me. Marvelous. Are you all here to participate in the workshop? Oh, no. We're just Bargy's colleagues. We're envoys for the coup. I'm C-53. This is Plek, Dar, AJ,

and Nermit. We won't be taking the workshop. Thank you. Really? Let me tell you something about the theater. Yes. Do you know what one calls a theater? A theater?

I think he was asking for a different... We also call it a space. Wait, hold on. This is the space. Now the space, now the space I like. I like that. It's a great space. Wait, hold on. This is the space. Now the space, now the space I like. I like that. It's a great space. I can feel the space in this space. And you are space

explorers. It's perfect. It's perfect? No, it's perfect, you guys. Get on board. It's perfect. This rules. Yes. Yes, we're going to do a group workshop. My favorite kind. We'll connect with each other.

Everyone hold hands right now. Oh, boy. Extending my arms. Extending my arms. Wow, Bargey. I didn't know you had those. Barge, I've got one of your manipulator arms here. And I have C-53's other very clammy hand.

I'm sorry, I don't have control over that. Please do what you want to the sentience I have brought with me. Wait, what? To make me a better actual. Bargy, thank you. We're going to improvise. Do you know what that is? Yeah, it's like, you know, kind of like messing around,

but you like spend a lot of time on it, being really serious about imaginary stuff. And then you're wondering, like, am I actually just too lazy to write? And then by that time you sunk like a ton of money into it. So you're like, well, I better keep doing it. It's improv. It's like stupid, right? There's an aspect of it that's stupid. Right.

But the stupidity is actually very intelligent. Oh, OK. Yeah, I can do it. AJ, here's what we're going to do. Okay. I will play the king, and you are my enforcer. Okay. Yeah. I think I can do that. Fleck, you are my fool.

Uh, uh... Dar. Yep. You are a lady-in-waiting. That's fun. C-53, you are a guard. Okay. If I call. C-53, you are a guard. Okay. If I call for guard, that's you. All right, I will be ready.

Yes. Oh, and young Nermit. Yes. He's not that young, but for his species, he's got one foot in the grave. Really? Yeah. Because I was going to cast you as boy. A boy of the court.

Okay. Here, we have this. Wait, just hold on. I have a box here. Let's put this wig on. Look at that. It's on my shoulders. That's pretty convincing.

That's very adorable. Now, let us begin. Let us begin the scene. Do I have a pot as well? Oh, did I not assign you one? No. I mean, unless that was the whole thing. Baji, you are a prisoner.

You are a prisoner of the king. Okay. Got it. Understood. Thank you. You are chained in the middle of the room. Fantastic. I feel like he gave us all roles that are just super low status compared to him.

Very distracting, all this muttering. Yeah. Okay, sorry. Our apologies. Can we get room time? Let's do this. Come on. This is not film.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. What happens, happens. We embrace the noises. I'm so sorry, Elva. I'm so sorry. Go to one, everyone. I'm sorry.

As the curtain rises, the king speaks. Fool! Uh, yeah, uh, yes? Sing for me. Uh, okay. Well, the tale of Bally the barroom cat

is one that might excite. With a tea and a hoe and a nonny T-ho, Bollie went into the night. Fool. Yeah. Stop singing. Yes, my liege.

Lady in waiting. Yep. You can start giving me a back massage. Uh-huh. Ah, very good. Very good. Does that make you uncomfortable? Massaging you? No, not really. Well, try to. Very good. Does that make you uncomfortable? Massaging you?

No, not really. Well, try to find the discomfort. In your back? In your soul. You don't like this. Who are you? Where did you come from? Why are you a lady-in-waiting?

Why are you not the queen? Which one of you is the queen? There is no queen. Sorry, just to be clear, are we still holding hands at this point? Okay, all right. No, I just want to check. I can't see 53's angle. Hold hands.

And I did it, but she's away I was dedicated to her, everyone who tried and failed. Does anyone else here have any experience in the theater? Besides Bargy. Thank you. I do. I do. Tell. One time when I was on the strike force, there was a crowded theater full of dissidents.

We locked the theater and set it on fire. AJ, what? AJ, that's not experience in the theater. Well, I mean, sure, I wasn't in the theater, but it was around the theater. Yeah, I got the story. It's just pretty grim. You're a bit of a critic, AJ. If I may.

I guess so. You know, I like what I like. And I didn't like those dissidents. But were there difficult times when you weren't getting gigs? Oh, hello, it was never easy. But it was worth it. It was always worth it. No matter how hard it got.

I want you to access the bad feeling. Oh, okay. And I want you to take all that bad feeling. And I want you to yell at Plek. Okay. What, me? Yes. It's a scene.

And you're going to pretend that Plek is your daddy. And Plek, you are the daddy. Defend yourself. This is a classic acting exercise. But we don't say action in the theater. We say go. Go! I hate you, daddy!

I hate you for what you did! Don't listen to me, Daddy! Slap him, AJ. Slap him. Ow! Am I still the jester at this point, or am I his daddy? You're the daddy now. Yeah, Daddy. It's a different scene, Plek. Keep up.

Hey, I'm sorry to pull over here, Al, but I feel like all of these exercises are just designed to make us feel bad. Does that make you uncomfortable? I mean, yes. I think I just realized it's making me feel uncomfortable. It's that Plek just made us stop when I felt the impulse to slap him in the scene. Follow that impulse.

That's good. Ow! That's a good impulse. Wait, you're in the scene? I thought it was just a scene with me and AJ. It's an improv. It's a walk-on. No.

My mechanical arm could also slap too. No! No! Ow! This isn't acting, right? Is it? Silence, fool. Ow!

Whoa, you really got in there. So it is the same scene. Now, let me explain something. Yes, we are slapping Plek. And yes, it's painful for Plek. But we are on a stage. So we're protected by that. We're not really angry at Plek.

If we get in a line. Line up. Okay, yes. All right, next. Slap, go. Yes. Next, next. Ow!

Ow! Ow! My! Ow! My knee! Nervous. Now, let me ask you something. Are we all really angry at Pluck? Of course not. But on the stage, in the imaginary circumstance of our rage, we do this.

Ow! What's the difference? The difference is people pay to see it. Oh. Pluck, Pluck, Pluck, Pluck, Pluck, Pluck. What's the difference? The difference is people pay to see it. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. What is a clap but a slap? Oh, wow. Wow.

Wow. Mind blown. If anything, it's two slaps at the same time. Now you're getting it. Hmm. Well same time. Now you're getting it. Profound. Now you're getting it. Ow! I need to be further away from you, I think. Well, go sit in the house if you want, Mr. Fussbudget.

You heard him. Let me tell you something about the theater. We call the audience the house. But we on stage are the players. We play. Now, does that language make you uncomfortable, Plek? Do you think it's infantilizing for me to say we play up here? I would say it's not as infantilizing as being slapped repeatedly. You would never slap a child. That's absurd. Exactly. There are laws about harm.

A strange thing popped into my head. What is it, Nermit? What are you trying to stage whisper to me? One of the series I was watching in the Reflectorium. Oh, no. Please don't talk about something you've been watching. This is important. It's not like the earlier one about hoarding, which is also amazing. This one is...

That sounds exploitative, honestly, but fine. I was watching a 27-part true crime series on this galaxy's most nefarious criminals. Four of those episodes focus on John the Malevolent. When the Kuzgalactic Tribunal laid out all the charges against him, all he would ask is, does that make you uncomfortable? Over and over. Oh, Nermin. Nermin.

Yes. What is your point? Oh, Dar, come on. That's what he's saying. I think Allo is John. The director. Yes. You sound a little far-fetched at the moment, okay?

No, I am near-fetched, as near as fetching can be. Excuse me, we really can't get any work done if everyone just pairs off and mutters. Sorry, sorry, sorry. What's going on here? Oh, nothing. Well, perhaps you'd like to share with the rest of the class. Share with the rest of the class, guys. That's what we're here for.

Like they say in school. Sure, fine. I was just telling Dar that I think I recognize you, so I probably just have seen you in something. Nermy specifically thinks you look like one of the villains from one of his little holo programs. What was it again, Nermit? John the Malevolent?

John the Malevolent, yes, yes, yes. I vaguely recall who was killed by his people. Very unfortunate, very unfortunate. There were photographs of his burned body. Wait, who was he, though? Wait, he was killed by his people? John the Malevolent is, I mean, was,

a authoritarian ruler here in this galaxy. He was an authority. That doesn't necessarily make him an authoritarian. He was an authority on ruling. I'm just saying that John the Malevolent was responsible for

hundreds of thousands of deaths. Let me ask you this. Yes. Is being an authority a bad thing? No. No. Perhaps this conversation makes you uncomfortable. Does it make you uncomfortable? Now you're just saying John the Malevolent's famous phrase. Let me tell you something about the theater.

The theater is not a democracy. In fact, I am something of an authoritarian. I tell you what to do. If I wish to slap Plek, I do it. I'm taking the house now. I'm I do it. Because we're on stage. I'm taking the house now. I'm taking the house. Because we're on stage.

Slap. How much? I don't know. I'm just following orders. Tell me something about the theater, Plek. Sometimes you can walk off stage, go into the house, but you're still on stage. Okay. I don't know.

This all sounds a little high concept for me, so. I think what you mean is this is immersive theater, and I think you should get into it. I don't like that at all. Guys, I'm not sure this workshop is for me. I mean, I don't think this workshop should be for anyone. I don't think this guy is who he claims to be. Do you think he hasn't called for the guard yet because the scene hasn't called for it, or does he just not think I'm much of an actor?

Oh. called for the guard yet because the scene hasn't called for it or does he just not think I'm much of an actor? I have sealed the doors because I get the sense that some of you want to leave. What? No. I was just saying that nobody's even spoken to me in this scene so I haven't had a chance to say anything. Oh, so lines make a role significant. Oh, no. You know, I didn't had a chance to say anything. Oh, so lines make a role significant.

Oh, no. You know, I didn't mean to imply that you need to have a lot of... Oh, you didn't? No, I... Well, what did you mean to imply? Wow! I guess I just thought... Plek, do you feel this nervous when people talk to you?

Every time. Wow, this is horrible. I hate this. Yeah. I tell you what. Here, take this. Where's... Here. This broom. I want you to imagine that it's a... a lance.

Okay, yeah, sure. Now I want you to also imagine a shield over your face with a slit in it for your eyes. It's very scary looking. Okay, yes, very good. Let me ask you a question now. Is this man more threatening or less threatening if he speaks?

I know the answer, do you? Ooh, less threatening if he speaks, I got to agree. High five. Oh. It's another form of a slap. Now this is a slap I can get behind. Alright. Can I have one of those? Ow!

Ow! That was not on my hand. Very high five. Why won't you text back, Roy? I can see that you read it. You said even though we're going to different colleges, we would go steady forever! Oh, the three little typing dots. Roy, you were my everything. Wait, where'd they go?

Oh! Daddy, I want you to kill my boyfriend. Oh, he's always so busy! Oh, I'm the Grand Cooler. I'm so busy. Dearest diary, what a day. If only I were a spaceship. I could blast off into space and fly far, far away.

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stories.com slash zix. Oh, wait. Is that... Is that the Largerian ducking jay? I could sneak on and literally escape, while also figuratively escaping using this audio app! D&T stories dot com slash! I'm sorry. yelled at C and... I mean, to be honest, to be an actor is about making you uncomfortable, right? And making you second guess every

training that you've ever had. So in a way, I feel uncomfortable. I feel low status. I feel unheard. I feel like perhaps this was a mistake. So I think it is working. Yeah, I think it is. I couldn't help overhearing. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm very glad. I can't do asides, honestly. It's just a speaker system. It's wonderful that you're feeling low status. That's very important. Now I want you to feel even lower. What I'm trying to find is what we in the theater call substitution.

So if your job in the play is to suffer, but the circumstances of the play have no meaning to you, you'd know nothing of kings and authoritarians? What know you of such things? But you can relate to something personal. Right. Like the death of a pet.

Or perhaps a time that, I don't know, you needed oil or something. I think I know exactly what you mean. All right, now I want you to go there And I want you to Tell the fool Get back up here Fool I think I may be retired I got him, I got him

No one retires from Theatre Max Alright, now I want you to dig deep inside And in your own words Tell the fool how much he's disappointed you All right, now, I want you to dig deep inside it in your own words. Tell the fool how much he's disappointed you. And go. Hey, Plek, Dexedim?

The fool's name is not Dexedim. You may call him by that name. You may call him by that name. We all know it's just pretend. We all know we're on stage. We are playing. We're playing. The language of children. We are playing.

But really give it to them. Well, Plek, you've hurt my feelings the past couple of weeks. Really? Yeah. You no longer ask me what my days, what I'm up to, the things that I'm doing. You're starting to look at me the same way you look at the other ships here. Like they're nothing. They're nobodies.

They're not sentients like the way I am. No, no, Barchi. Do you know what I've had to do to be here today? How much I sacrifice for you, Plek, your giant deck setter. Giant, I'm not sure that's right. I gave up my son. I gave up my friends. You know why?

Because I care about you. But do you care about me? No. No. You don't care about me. Do you know how much I plead for you? Let the oil come out! And then what you want to flex your thunder!

No! That's way off. Whoa. That was marvelous. You did it. You did it. I believed you. Did everyone believe Margie?

Yes. Dark, dark, dark. What? What is it now? That slow clap. The cadence of that clap was exactly the same as John the Malevolent's slow clap right before he threw his advisors into a pit. This is a stretch, and I think we can both agree that you should drop it. Hey, guys.

Yes. Excuse me. Ello is trying to work with Parchee right now on a very tough scene. He asked me to come and make sure everyone was being quiet, so I'm just asking you guys, in respect for the work, could you guys just take it down a little bit? Just a little bit.

AJ, where did you get the all-black outfit? Ello gave it to me, because stage managers always wear black, and we're also doing a Q2Q in a few minutes, so... A what? Uh, excuse me. I've had enough. If this muttering continues... Just... Nervit. Yes?

You keep staring at me. If you people keep muttering behind my back, I'm gonna throw you into the pit. Oh, my rod. That's the pit here where the orchestra plays. What did I tell you about the pit? He threw his people into it. Now he's going to do the same thing to us.

I beg your pardon, speak up. I'm fully aware that John the Malevolent threw his people into a large pit. It was not an orchestra pit. There was nary a violinist there. How do you know that? Well, you know, I don't know that. I don't know that.

I'm a man of the theater. I'm not an authoritarian exile pretending to be a man of the theater. That's absurd. So you've always gone by the name Ello. Of course. I am Max the, I mean, I'm Ello Max, theater director.

Seemed a little bit of a delay on that one. We all get our names wrong from time to time, right? We all sometimes don't say our names right. Come on. Okay, yeah, Nermit, I would say I am suspicious now. Yeah, you think? He stumbled on his own name? Not to mention locked the doors earlier?

Nermit, get in the pit. Get in the pit right now. It's an Augustra pit. Will you relax? Ouch. It still hurt. Land Will you relax? Ouch, it still hurt Landed on a timpani Could do a lot worse than landing on a timpani That sounded like a little timpani

Hey, be careful with those drums, please Careful with the drums, people Nermin, put down that trombone Sorry Stop that Put down that trombone. Sorry. Stop that. I call that little solo malevolence in spring. Can we get back to the work?

You know, it's everybody's time here. And we could talk about who is or who is not a genocidal dictator all day long. But I think we want to get back to the work. AJ. Who's with me? I have an idea. Let's all do some table work. Okay? By which I mean, let's make a table.

Now, uh, yeah, there's some wood in here. Um, okay. Wait, you want us to build a table? I've got some tools in the wings here. Here you go. Can you take that hammer, please? Okay. Hold on. No, this can't be. Come on, AJ. Help me organize this. You look like a man who's built a table before. Alright, let's focus on this table work this can't be. Come on, AJ. Help me organize this. You look like a man who's built a table before.

So have I. I've built a bunch of tables. All right, let's focus on this table work right now. Right, right. Okay. Hey, Bargy. Bargy. Yes?

What? Plagg, hammer that nail. Come on. Okay, okay. Yes, hold on. Hello. This has all been great. All the slapping has kind of made me need to go to the bathroom.

Can I just do that real quick? Take a quick look? Fine, yes. Right to the left wing there. Oh, yeah. I'll just use barges and stuff. All right. Leave the hammer, please. Where are you going? Leave the hammer. Here you go. Thank you. Got a hammer. Hammer on set. Hey, Bargy. Bargy. Hey, hold up, Bargy.

Is this just the sound you make when nobody's inside of you? No one's inside. No, Bargy, Bargy. Plek, it's Plek in here. Oh, sorry. It was my inside voice. Your inner monologue plays inside when we're outside? What do you want?

Listen, Bargy, I think something's going on with LL Maxx. I need your help. You're the only person who can help us. I know. LL keeps focusing on everybody else, even though this workshop was supposed to be for me. I don't feel like I'm progressing as an actor. If anything, I feel like I'm worse. Exactly.

Exactly, Bargy. I need you to make this workshop about him. You're the only person who knows the business like he does. You need to get him somehow to tell his story. It just it seems like he might be a really bad guy. And and if so, we need him to slip up and admit that. You want me to make him uncomfortable? I guess so.

Only if you apologize, Black. Oh, uh, Bargy... What I said was true before. You know, Bargy, listen, I'm so sorry if you feel like I've been ignoring you or you feel lost or alone. I know we're all here because of something that I did. But I promise you, we will find a way back to the Zik Squadron. Somehow. Because if my destiny is to save the galaxy, but I can't save my friends?

I can't accept that. I don't know who I'm going to call. I don't know, Black. I am. I'm just kidding. All right. Wow. Ow. Yes, Black. I'll forgive you.

How did the arm get inside? All right. You want me to destroy this? Directly, you want me to destroy him? I'll destroy him. Is that what you want? What? Wow.

I will crush him. I will crush him. So he never existed. All right. Very good. Now that's a table. All right, very good. Now that's a table. Good work, everyone. Give yourselves a hand.

This is good. Look at that. Um, Director, hello. I was wondering when we would get to the part of the session where we get to ask you questions. Well, I'd be happy to. Why don't we all, everyone pull up a chair. Let's all sit at this table.

Anything you want to ask? That's what table work is about. It's about a back and forth where we discuss the subtextual aspects of what we're working on. Wonderful. Um, sure. Please don't be shy. Anything you want to ask. I'm all ears. Number one, how do you hype yourself up for a day on the stage? I do a jog right before I have to get to the theater. Do you like lunch

or dinner better? Lunch. Sometimes I don't even have dinner. What's your deepest, darkest secret? I don't like peanuts. Go darker. I had issues with my father. Go deeper. I was John the Malevolent. Whoa. What?

Go deeper and darker. No, we don't need to go into that. Oh, okay, sorry. There was an uprising. I instituted martial law, and then I threw those people into the pit.

I burned a body and said it was me. I had my officials lie to the public, and then I fled. Wait, you're John the Malevolent? Yes, and Bargy made me inadvertently confess. Someone in the entertainment industry is bad? I can't believe I'm telling you this. entertainment industry is bad? Hi. I can't believe I'm telling you this.

This is the most profound table work I've ever been a part of. I have a follow-up about the lunch. Bargy! Bargy! You have become a director.

You've pulled something out of me that I didn't want to pull out, that I was afraid of. It made me uncomfortable to talk about this. It made me uncomfortable. I made you uncomfortable. Thank you. I'm a director now. Yes. I'm a director now! I'm a director now. Yes. I'm a director now! I'm a director now!

Let me just tell you that the director's union has very good health care. Is it on very expensive join-in, or...? Yeah, I'll give you some of the literature about it. All right, yeah, just like you said, it'll move you. Okay. Look, I... I was an authoritarian and now I'm a director. The only killing I do

is when I murder an audience through a great performance, metaphorically. AJ, AJ, relax. No one else got it? It's great. No, we all got it. Yeah, it's a little inappropriate.

Okay, okay. Dark, give me this pass. Yeah, it's a little inappropriate. Okay, okay. You know, when I played John the Malevolent... Hold on. Wait a minute, what? You played yourself in the docu-series. Did you see this reenactment? Yes, that's where I recognize you from. Twist.

Oh, it was you. Yes. I knew it all along. Why would you ever play yourself in a docuseries about how you were an evil monster? Well, I had given up my kingdom. I had to make money. I became an actor. I joined the union.

And the audition came up. What was I supposed to do? Turn it down? Seems like a risk. You're a fugitive. Frankly, I thought I was a very good fit for the role. And it was actually between me and another guy. Really? Yes.

I kind of wonder what happened to that other guy. Yeah, what did he dare ask? Did you kill him? No, he's doing very well. He just got a series. Oh, true. I know that feeling. Yeah. Yes.

When I played John the Malevolent, I was in a TV studio being filmed. Someone else had written the lines. It was a challenge. I couldn't just walk in and be me. I was acting. And you had to regrow the mustache. The mustache was fake.

They gave me a false mustache because of the flashbacks from when I was a boy, which I also played quite effectively. You played yourself as a boy? Oh, this is the wig from the doctor's office. Yes, yes. That was really impressive. Wow. Honestly, very impressive.

Look, I know it's hard to believe, but when I was young, I had very luxurious blonde hair. Right, AJ? AJ, it's not even a joke. Well, I suppose your plan is to arrest me and call the authorities,

eh? Yeah, you've solved the case. We were trying. Big headlines for all of you. We didn't know. But yeah, we're going to do that. Yes, sir. You'll be all over the universe now.

Heroes. Yeah, we can call that number they show at the end of the docuseries. Well, that's not going to happen. Huh? AJ. Yes, Ella? That suit I gave you has a phaser going to happen. AJ. Yes, Ella? That suit I gave you has a phaser in the pocket. Oh, yeah, it does.

Command them to go into the pit. What? Guys. AJ. No, AJ. What? What can I say? I got bit by the theater bug.

AJ. Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to direct you on now. All right? I'm going to direct you. AJ? All right? I'm going to direct you. AJ? Yes, Barney? Silence!

AJ? Yes? Look in my hall. Oh, okay. Focus on it. Uh-huh. Remember who you are. Uh, AJ?

And don't do it. Oh, yeah, I shouldn't be doing that, right? Yes, good. You guys are my friends. Good, AJ. AJ, you have something to prove. What you want to prove is that you're a good man. So throw everybody into the pit now. Prove your goodness.

You guys have to go in the pit. Sorry. No, AJ. AJ. AJ. You guys got to go in the pit. AJ. Huh?

AJ, repeat after me. Munique, New York. Munique, New York. Don't do it. Munique, New York. Say, Manala, Navaza. Manala, Navaza. Manala, Navaza.

AJ, pass the clock. But bring it back and be good. I'm just going to pass out. I'm passing out. I'm passing out. And he's down. Oh, boy. Your direction is too good. You've become too good.

And I'll take this phaser. Hello. Hello. Slip that in his hand. Yeah. You'll never take me alive. I know every inch of this theater He's climbing He's climbing up the catwalk

He's on his catwalk Yes I'm climbing up The scrim came down he counterweighted that perfectly You'll never take me alive Hello to be honest it's sort of hard to hear you up there What are you yelling down at us? Do I make you uncomfortable? Oh!

Oh, no! Oh! Oh! Oh! Right into the pit. You don't want to land on a timpani like that. Yeah. Nermit.

Fleck, you know, we feel pretty bad about slapping you so much on the orders of a deposed dictator. Would you have felt better about it if it had just been a regular weird director? A little bit. Probably. I feel like I would have believed it was more part of a process. Tiny bit.

But by way of an olive branch, I thought you didn't get to go to the arboretum to get an actual branch, but I did hold onto this broom from Ello's Props. Oh. Oh, wow. It's a broom from the space. Yeah, it is from the space. So, in many ways, it seems like this is your wood saber.

I'll just break off the... Yeah, get the bristles out of there. It's like that old weird stick you always had. Yeah, thank you, Bargy. But just be careful, because this is the pointy side. It's got a nice heft to it. It's pretty good.

Alright. Thanks, guys. Wow, this is really... Don't put your eye out. Yeah, you might want to sand down that end. No, no, no. The splintery end is what gives it a little bit of, you know, intimidation power. By the way, you saved the day, Lizardman, with your crippling addiction to the reflectory. Yeah.

Nermin, if you hadn't alerted us to the fact that LL Maxx was actually John the Malevolent, I mean, we would have just had a pretty good theater workshop. You know what? I kind of nailed this one on the old mission on the ship. It's a new, fresh feeling, isn't it? Yeah. Beats being a nerd, right? Nermit being effective

on a mission. Will wonders never cease? Hey, come on. Well, you know. Beats that dumb stuff about Optisoft, am I right? Too soon, AJ. Oh, come on. Well, you know. OptiSoft, am I right? Too soon, AJ. Oh, and Bargy? Yeah. I gotta say, I've

taken orders from a lot of people. A lot of people. Yeah, you have. But you, you got something. Me? I guess I could use all my years of experience of being bossed around, made to perform, be a little monkey on set dancing for people as they laugh at me and make fun of me. I could turn it around.

And be better. I could use them for my benefit. I could be a director. That's the spirit? That's what you took away? To be honest, I'm still a little tubed off because I paid a lot of croon for this workshop and it doesn't seem to be

a refund. Is that the right use of tube? Why did you pay croon? They don't use croon. They don't have any money. They don't even know what croon is. But I gave them all of the croon that They don't have any money in their currency. They don't even know what croon is. But I gave them all of the croon that was on the ship.

Oh, Bargy. Bargy. Okay, well, now I have even more motivation to become a director and to use people. Huh. Yep, Bargy has a mission now, and it's called

Riving. Ow! Oh, you got a splinter? Yep. Baji has a mission now. And it's called RIVING G. Ow! Oh, you got a splinter? Yeah. Does that make you uncomfortable? Oh, Dark! Stay right here. That Dark's gonna get on guard with all of you right now. If that dark got under the ship with us, that's the dark that has been with us this whole time.

No, that's you! You're that dark from before! I... I might know this place. Oh no, now everyone knows. Alright, alright, it's time to go. Ah, yes. Hello there. Do not worry, precious da. You shall have a second lease on life. A better life.

A fulfilling life. A whack life. Come on. Okay. Oh, you're a big fella. Okay, maybe from here. Maybe I try and... No, that's not gonna work.

That's not gonna work. Oh, you know what? If I use the staff like a lever, I can't... Wow, you are totally dead. There is no movement to help. Well, tell me. What do I sort of do here? Okay, you know what?

I'm just going to fix you up here right now. Let's see. Okay. Just pull that out. Wow, that is still hot. Ugh, gross. Couple of these right here. Screw that.

Yeah, that's supposed to go in there. That's now in retro, okay? And that's there. Bing, bang, boom. There we go. Oh. There we go. This is SeaRed IT5. Credits and attributions joined commencing outro protocol. Black Deck Setter was played by Eldon Ford.

Lead Envoy C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Ship was played by Mujan Zulfagari. Nermit Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Null. John the Malevolent was played by special guest James Urbaniak. James is the voice of Dr. Venture on The Venture Brothers, Arthur on Hulu's Difficult People, and Grant on Comedy Central's Review. With Brie Williams, he created the scripted podcast series Getting On with James Urbaniak,

and their audio feature I Will Never Lie to You is coming soon to Audible. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by Fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Gweiss.

Audio hosting by Simplecast. Don't forget about our live performance on October 3rd at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York. Info and tickets at mission2zix.space. Mission2Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Hi, my name is Graham Clark

and I'm one half of the podcast Stop Podcasting Yourself, a show that we've recorded for Hi, my name is Graham Clark, and I'm one half of the podcast. Stop podcasting yourself. A show that we've recorded for many, many years. And at the moment, instead of being in person, we're recording remotely. And you wouldn't even notice. You don't even notice the lag. That's right, Graham. And the great thing about this. Go no you go ahead okay and go ahead

and you can listen to us uh every week on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts your podcasts hi i'm allie girtz and i'm julia prescott and we're the hosts of round springfield round Podcasts. Bill Oakley, Josh Weinstein, Dana Gould, Mike Reese, and David X. Cohen. Voice actors like Maurice LaMarche, Maggie Roswell, and Yardley Smith. The voice of Lisa Simpson herself. Hell yeah. So we've been away securing guests for our final five episodes. We won't tell you everybody, but we'll let you know that the last episode is kind of a big deal. We got Matt Groening.

Homer's dad. We got Homer's dad. We got Homer's dad. Check out new episodes of Round Springfield starting June 21st. On Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Smell you later. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Audience supported. I can't believe i said that are you all mad at me now that's great i think that's really funny not personally but on a you know ideological level yes very