Mission To Zyxx - 509: Tuck Ever 'Flacting [ft. Aparna Nancherla]

Episode Date: August 19, 2021

Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut BundaloyWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as BargieWith special guest Aparna Nancherla as Saarnen TuckEdited by Seth LindSound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Theme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic OrchestraOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. 

Space. Some is chill. Some is tooped up. All is part of the great, infinite, cosmic ballet. The venerable starship, the RSS Synergy, forges ever deeper into uncharted regions of their galaxy, growing the coalition of united planets in the name of science, benevolence and peace. Now, lead envoy C53 and his intrepid crew explore new worlds, forge alliances and search for a way back home to finally fulfill their mission to save us. Yo, we nailed that mission. Yeah, we really did.

Yeah. I mean, you know, it was very weird to live an entire lifetime and then die and then wake up and it had only been like a half an hour. Like, when i was on the planet i thought being on bargy was a dream and and now it seems like my life on the planet was a dream so sorry i just need a minute to adjust yeah some of these missions are a little yeah weird really intense yeah i will say it was a wonderful break to be free of this frame for essentially a lifetime. Yeah, C-53. Yeah, and so were we supposed to understand that life is precious?

Was that the goal of the mission? What was the goal of that mission? Yeah, I think so. Did you learn how to play that flute? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, cool. Wow.

Very nice. I stick it in the slot of my helmet and play it. I didn't know it could do that. Use the pressurized gear. Hey, Todd, did you get a new shirt? Looking good. Oh, thank you for noticing. I did.

I got to spend a lifetime sewing it and then dyeing and then picking it right back up again. I'm still not quite sure what the point of the mission was. We all just live a lifetime and die and now we're supposed to... I play a flute now. AJ, they left that technology there for us to experience a lifetime on their planet so we wouldn't make the same mistakes they did. No, we immediately came back and continued making the same mistakes. Wait, we're supposed to be learning stuff from these missions? I thought it was, like, action, not morals.

AJ, didn't it mean something to you to be in another civilization's shoes for a few decades? You had five sons. You had five sons. Oh, they were so obnoxious. Yeah, I made a little boy band. My five sons. Like you made your own religion. Yeah, well, it was pretty similar to this space, but it was nice to be on top for once, you know?

It was a stupid mission, right? Like, what's going on? Now, Da, is your shirt sleeveless intentionally, or you just never got around to the sleeves? Oh, yeah, you never got to the sleeves. You know, there was a lot to do in that civilization. You don't have to... Okay, so you managed to have five sons, you managed to create a religion,

and I never got to the sleeves. Because, yes, Bargy, you're right. These seams are unfinished. Okay. Crew, I have an incoming transmission from Missions Operations, Missions Assignment, and Missions Envoy Associate, Nermit Bundeloy. Hey, Nermit, what's up? Hey, calling all cars, calling all cars. Come home.

Come to the mothership. Nermit, I gotta say, that mission was pretty cool, but it feels like we haven't seen you in about 80 years. Oh, yeah. You touched the machine thing there. Yeah. I was like, how do I work this? Wow. Dar. Nice. Oh, what's up with the sleeves?

I'll get to them. Never mind. Guys, you gotta put it in the old hyperspeed and get back to the synergy. We just finished a mission, Nermin. It's not a mission. It's an update from the coup about their progress on finding a way to get us home. To the six quarters. What?

Yes. Home? Let's do it. Nermin, Nermin. Yes. Are you telling me that after 80 years, we're finally finding a way back home? I gave you that mission this morning. Well, no, I just know that it feels like...

You weren't supposed to use that machine. We didn't know what it did! I'm sorry, we weren't supposed to use that machine? Then what was the point of the mission? That's what I've been saying this entire time! Listen, I am sympathetic because to you it feels like 80 years ago, but you definitely

forgot the real mission, which was to pick up empty storage drums. Okay, fine. Nermit, so what's this update about getting back to the Zik Squadron? No, you have to come in for the update. Garbo is going to deliver it in person. It's so exciting. All right.

All right, I'm going to be in the hangar with those, like, two flashlight things. You don't have to do that. Yeah, you don't have to do that. I'm going to be a guy again. See you in a bit. Yeah, you don't have to do that. Yeah. Love you guys.

He can only lift one of those, right? I'm still on. Oh, okay. See you later, Nervous. Later. Hello and welcome. Hey, Garbo. Yes. Garbo, greetings.

Hello, Garbo. What's thebo, greetings. Hello, Garbo. What's the update? Dar, nice to see you. Very good. You are looking well. Thank you. Yes. Oh, is it weird because they took one another?

Yeah. It's weird for me. We were so raw and vulnerable with each other. It was incredible to be raw and vulnerable. I have an update about our progress. Yes. Great. I'm getting you home to the Zix Quadrant.

Awesome, walk it down, Lowe. Let's do it. I know it has been a long time when we have not had updates. Yes, pretty much the entire time we've been here, yeah. We wanted to wait until we had significant news to tell you. Yes, great. Great. But instead, we are going to update you now. Uh... Wait, what does that mean?

We have determined that it is possible to locate your home galaxy. Great! Yes! We're headed home! This is amazing! And we have also definitively

found that we cannot do it. Those two statements are synonyms. What are you talking about? It is definitely possible and not for us. Okay, Garbo, I can't believe I have to do this, but what if I

unbutton this button on the shirt? Now do you know? Is that... It's a different shirt. but what if I unbutton this button on the shirt? Now do you know? Oh, that button just fell off. It's a different shirt. It fell right on the floor. I'll get that later, but does this help jog your memory to the location of Zix at all? No.

Okay. How about... Whoa. Breathing complete. Thank you, Garbo. Nermit, did you know that this was the news? No, I didn't. Put the flashlights down.

Okay. Guys, I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you. We'll spend the day in the reflectorium. Everyone can come in the reflectorium. Wait, what? How? It's amazing. There's stuff. No, no, no. You can go wherever you want. You can do whatever you want.

We can do whatever we want? Yeah. Okay, that sounds pretty cool. It does. Yeah, you know, maybe a day, maybe a little vacation would be fun, you know? Can you be violent? Is that like... Sure. Why haven't we been doing this all the time?

We are sort of overdue for like an extended fantasy in the Reflectorium. The violent delights tend to have violent ends, but other than that... Doesn't sound like anything to me. Hmm. Okay, Nermit, show us all the roller coasters you've been building. Woohoo, yes! Oh, Bargy, actually, you're not going to fit in the reflectorium. I was still here.

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slash zix for 25% off when you keep everything in your fix. Oh, you're right, Slasha. A ship approaches into the deep. They must always wonder if we're real. Okay, so when we get in there, you're going to pick from one of many, many programs,

and then the Reflectorium will start the simulation, and you can make modifications. You can summon other characters, locations. And actually, I have one running now. I can show you as sort of an example. Nermin, we don't want to see Optisoft right now. This is our chance to choose our own adventure, Nermin. Yeah, yeah, you totally will.

I'm not at a save point. So we just need to go in for a couple minutes. He's almost at a save point. It'll be super quick. What does that mean? Welcome to your favorite software service company. Optisoft? That's not my favorite software services company.

What's your favorite? What, darn? Oh, Quasarix all the way. Exactly, Quasarix. No. I mean, have you ever used their software services? They're incredible. Unparalleled.

Is that the one that lets you sync to the cloud really easily? Yes. Also, Nermit, Optisoft is just a simulation. Quasarix is a real company. We have many lawsuits pending against them. They're baseless but exciting. Nermit, can we just get into our own reflectorium and just have some fun? Our day has felt like 90

years. I'd love to have this conversation but I need everyone to fill out the NDAs on these pads first. NDAs? Well, yeah, I'm going to show you behind the curtains. Nermit, Optisoft exists only in the... It's a simulation that you made up. Nermit, how long is this

going to take? When do we get a turn? So sorry. This simulation is so complex and random, so if I don't save everything, I'm going to lose weeks of work. Where are my violent delights? And the violent ends. They will be here. Where are the buttons that we just get to push at random?

I promise you, all of that is going to happen. If you can just please hand your completed NDA to our wonderful temp named... Sarnon Tuck. Right. Sarnon Tuck? Yeah. Thank you.

You're a temp in this fictional company? Yeah, I'm not permanently hired yet. What? I don't know. I've only worked here for two days uh okay we have an amazing temp to perm pipeline oh that's good no hey aj there's no pipeline it's all a simulation but sarnan's real right no sarnan is a hologram just like everyone else in this office i'm i'm real yeah no no because i have learned that holograms are not real uh guys we have to have a little talk

nurman how often do the temps here question their existence only when outsiders mention it okay optisoft is built on teamwork. If we give the employees existential crises, it ruins the whole business model. Please just play along till I can save. Please. Please. Fine. Okay.

All right. Fair enough. Wow. Temp to hire. Sounds great. Yeah. So, Sarnon What is it that you do in your off time

When you're not temping? Well, I'm one of the top temps in the biz Oh wow, congratulations Thank you, well, what that means is I work every minute of existence Just one second, Sarnon Nerman Yes

Is this just a backstory that's been procedurally generated for this character or is there a simulation for each of like do you not know what a temp is no I know what a temp that's not it sounds like you don't uh Mr. Bundeloy um

permission to speak to you of course of course. No, I do make them do that, but it's not. Why do you make them do that? That's your rule? Yeah, Sarnan's a temp. May I humbly inquire as to the status of the launch? The launch.

Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much. We're going to get you in that temp to perm pipeline. Sorry, I forgot we have a launch today. So I'm going to actually have to step out. What? A launch? We're putting out version 11.2 of the API today.

And I spaced that out because I was so excited about this. Why are you backing away from us? Where are you going? I have to go to the C-suite. I'm just going to pop out for like 15, 20, 45 minutes. Pop out from what? Where are you going? Where are you going? I have to go to the C-suite. I'm just gonna pop out for like 15, 20, 45 minutes. Pop out? From what? From this? Where are you going? Where are you going? Is this in the same reflect? What are you talking about?

Stop! Do not skitter away from us right now. You are in amazing hands with with sub, uh, sub, sub, sub It's okay. You may call me whatever. Um, would you like me to small talk our guests? Yes. Yes me whatever. Would you like me to small talk our guests? Yes.

Yes, perfect. Thank you so much. My pleasure. This is going to be a great launch, guys. Oh, my gosh. Wait a second. Where did that glass elevator just come from? Ah, where is he going?

The funny thing about that dart is that, like, if this turns off, he's just going to be standing right over there. Hey, Sarnan, can we see your desk? My knees are my desk. Oh, no, Sarnan, that sounds awful. When I need a surface, I crouch. Why don't you have a desk? I'm temp.

Well, wait, this one here has a desk. Yeah, she has a desk. Why do you have a desk? Hi, I'm the head intern. Interns are perm. Temps are temp. Okay. Yeah, I guess.

I get full benefits. You're unpaid, but you get a desk and benefits? Uh-huh I get paid in experience Okay Hey guys, we could be playing in a professional hatball league right now We could be fighting nog milk hand-to-hand on a fiery volcano Yeah, we're in the Reflectorium We could be outlaws raiding settlements, you know

Yeah, Nermin said he just needed to save his progress. What if we just paused it, do our own thing, and then we'll restart? Permission to speak? Oh. Well, I was taking notes on your conversation. Oh, wow, yeah. Sarnan has minutes. You didn't need to crouch and write on your little knees.

Yeah, Sarnan, you don't need to ask our permission to speak to us. Yeah, you can just talk to us anytime you want. Oh, well, um, after pause, Temp disappears. I'm sorry. What? Oh, no. But you'd be back when we restarted the program. No, Temps never repeat.

Once program ends, Temp ends. That wasn't even a complete sentence. If Temp tried to talk about something forbidden, Temp lose word. Wow, even the grammar algorithm starts to break down. This is terrible. She's not perm. What about this do you guys not understand?

I guess I just thought that was a sort of a designation for her job. Sarnan, if we pause and restart this program, you will cease to exist? Correct. Correct. And you don't get health insurance? I don't think. Correct. Oh, yikes. Hey, gang, I'm going to say this right now. We cannot shut this program off. We've got to get her to perm. Yeah, Sarnin, if we get you promoted to a permanent position here at Optisoft, then even if we pause and restart the program, you'd still be here. Correct, correct. Well, that's great.

All we have to do is figure out how to get Sarnon into the temp to perm deck. Tope, we're doing it. This is exactly what Nermit wants. He wants us to play in this stupid office building. Plek, I understand that this is not a desirable situation for any of us, but all we have to do is get her promoted, right? How hard could that be? Yeah, it's just not what I wanted to do today. Hey, you and me both, brother.

Sergeant, we're going to make you perm. Oh, my gratitude, gratitude. superb. Oh, oh my gratitude, gratitude. Fellow OptiSolid leaders, I am so excited to tell you that the code will be live in just a few minutes. We have

250 customers who are about to have their minds blown by API 11.2. Twice the rapidity of socket connectivity than 0.1. Sorry, sorry. Right. I mean, we were proud of 0.1. Are we proud of it today?

No, we're proud of the doubling right now. Speaking of someone who came from KSRX, I just have to say I'm so happy to be here at Optisoft. Right? I honestly heard someone talking their praises today and I was like, are you kidding me? What version are they on? Two? Two? Right?

Am I right? Am I right? Okay, so Sarnon, let's get you promoted, huh? Should we, what do we start at? HR? Optisoft, the entire HR department, is temps. Oh, what? So they can't advocate for you at all?

It protects the company from liability. Classic. That's terrible. If you have an issue, you have to report to other temps who also have no power. I mean, this sounds pretty rough. Yeah, I feel like I've worked in a few places that are kind of like this. Surely there's someone, though, who can get you into the pipeline. Like, who's the first perm position that's above yours?

Oh, that is Mr. Greg Gordon. Greg Gordon? Yep. Greg Gordon, where are you? Greg Gordon, show yourself! Where are you, Greg Gordon? Hi. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Yes, I have two hits. Oh, yeah. Yes, I have two hits. Oh, hi. I'm Greg. I'm Gordon. Okay. Well, we just want to put in a good word for Sarnon here. A very responsible and efficient temp.

Okay, let me check here. Oh, looks like Sarnon's eval is coming up in just a couple months. Two shakes of a calendar. Shut up! You can't do that! You can't do that! Ow. That's a perm move there. That's a perm move? Oh, he's perm?

Taking initiative. It doesn't even work here. We're not here to promote him. We're here to promote Sarnon. Oh, right. Sarnon Tuck. Sarnon. Greetings. Greetings. You know, Greg, Gordon, we really believe in Sarn, and we think that she's the future of Optisoft,

and we think you should give her some consideration for the Temp to Perm pipeline. Amazing. No confidence to her we didn't notice before. She never had an entourage before. I gotta be honest. I'm not sure she has friends. Don't you think, Gordon, we can compress the timeline a little here? I think we can compress it down. There's a two. Yeah, down to a month. A't you think, Gordon, we can compress the timeline a little here? I think we can compress it down.

Yeah, down to a month. A month? It was two months before, my guy. Uh-huh. Okay. Guys, listen. We can't wait a month for Sarnin to get promoted to perm? Obviously. Listen, Sarnin,

is a month at Optisoft the same as a month outside the Reflectorium? Yes, unless you want to fast-track it. When you say fast-track, does that mean fast-forwarding the simulation? Yes. So we could just tell the simulation to skip ahead? Yes. Wait, so we're time-traveling?

No. I'm not time-tra time traveling anymore, guys. AJ, we're not. AJ, I don't do that shit. You gotta loosen up a little bit about this. We're just... No, I told you. No more timey-wimey stuff.

No, AJ. I don't do that shit. It's more like skipping a cut scene. Yeah, AJ, we're just going forward at an accelerated pace, okay? And Sarnon, you will still be here when we stop, right? Correct. Okay, I'll do it for Sarnin. You might see me accelerating through several tasks

in the process. Uh, sure, that's fine. That's fine with us. Alright, uh, computer, fast track program Optisoft, maximum urgency. One month. Whoa! Oh my god. Wow! Look how much Sarnin is Optisoft maximum urgency. One month. Whoa. Wow.

Look how much Sarnon is doing. This is terrible. She is here all the time. Did you guys see her crying quietly at one point? She's sleeping inside a file cabinet. Does she live at Optisoft? How much of this temp code is Nermit responsible for?

Because we're going to have to have a real conversation about this. Sarnon! How is it going? I feel rejuvenated from the work. Oh, great. Let's see if it worked. Greg Gordon. Greg Gordon.

Greg Gordon. Oh, wow. Okay, right there. Right there. Oh, the guy who kicked me in the head. I like you. Hey. Yeah, a lot of fun. You should like that. Well, it's been a month.

Looks like it's time for Sarn and Tuck's review for the Simper Timeline. Let's look at these time lapse footage of the tasks. Oh, very good. Very good. Curled up nice and tight in that file cabinet. And that's an admirable quality. You don't want to take up too much space. Precious file space.

Just get to the decision. Great, Gordon. Not a lot of tears. Now the decision. The good news is promotion approved. Yay! Amazing! Hold on. There's bad news.

It's not really up to us. We're just middlemen. We're in the middle. We're like a sandwich. We're the cream. Wet cream of a sandwich. We're the cream, wet cream of a sandwich. Yeah, the slappy middle cream. A moist, wet

cream sandwich. You know, the middle of the sandwich, that real wet, wet, wet middle. Here's your lunch, Greg, and here's your lunch, Gordon. Two wet cream sandwiches all over the floor. Open your mouth. Here's your lunch, Greg, and here's your lunch, Gordon. Oh, two wet cream sandwiches. You can just slowly nibble it. Open your mouth.

Open your mouth. Why doesn't the software tell you to open your mouth? You don't want to waste the slop when you can get it out of the outside. The slop. Some of the corners of this simulation are weird. Plek, you've got to remember this simulation is trying to handle thousands of people at once. So, you know, it's going to kind of cream the details here and there. Gross.

Sarnan, we're going to get to the bottom of this. No, we're going to get to the top of this. We need to take this further. Sarnan, we're going to get you promoted, whatever it takes. Who do we talk to next? There's 63 positions between Greg Gordon and the CEO. Boy. Well, I mean, this system works, right? We get the paperwork in the system. Gordon and the CEO. Boy. Well, I mean, this system works, right?

We get the paperwork in the system, we set the schedule, we skip ahead, and bing, bang, boom. So what do you want to do, you know? I would like to head this company. You want to be the CEO of Optisoft? Yes.

This is all I know. I've never been beyond the walls of Optisoft? Yes. Ooh, wow. This is all I know. I've never been beyond the walls of Optisoft. Awesome, let's do it. I mean, yeah, absolutely. Yes. Yes You haven't been here in a month Oh, haha, I know I used the bathroom For a long time, but it's whatever Oh sure, one launch, tanks, and you take off

Tanks, what are you talking about 11.2 is about to launch in three minutes That was the worst launch Of Optisoft's existence. You leave the launch saying you have to use the bathroom, and you come back a month later? Thanks for nothing! Did somebody fast-track this?

Without my permission? Well, well, well. Another couple months goes by, and old Nervin Pundalash shows his face again. You stand here like a statue for two months and expect to come back and run things? I don't think so, mister. What is happening?

Oh, no. Sergeant. Yes. This is working. You're not a perm yet, but we're going up the ladder for you. I feel more powerful. As temp ascends ladder, they gain more words. Now, of course, if you wish to be promoted and survive Riddles 3.

Oh, no. What? This person works at Optisoft? What division are you from? Oh, yes. Troll division. Oh. Rod. Maybe the fast tracking introduced some

hiccups into the simulation. And so now we're going to cross the bridge for the next promotion. Surely there's a shift change at some point. Maybe we can just fast forward, wait it out? Yes. Trolls are here half the year. All right. Half the year, you say? No problem yes. Okay. Trolls are here half the year. Alright, half the year you say.

No problem. Hit it! Wow. Hello, I'm a creepy little toad. If you want to pass, you must kiss me on the lips. Sarnon, is the other half of the year a creepy little toad? Correct. Oh, okay.

I am going to need to see an org chart on this company. I want everyone to know that I've secured a majority of the members of this board who want me to stay in my position. I may... Pretty bold of you to show your face here at all, Bundaloy. You spent six months, Bundaloy. Do you know how much you cost us? Listen, I may have been... My Optisoft shares have tanked.

I'm plummeting. I should have invested in Quasarx. This is when all of our competitors and naysayers are doubting us. And this is when we come back from the ashes of... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dick sitter. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ugh. Dicksitter. Sarnon, this is the moment you've been waiting for.

It's really happening. Lunchtime. Wow. Check out that new ID badge. Sarnon. I'm perm. We didon. I'm perm. We did it. I'm perm.

You made it. We only just skipped like two and a half years into the future of the simulation. Plek, it was a lot longer than that. Really? Yeah. We're so proud of you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

I'm just going to take a five minute break because that's my first privilege as a perm. No, you can't break right now, Sarnon. We're just... No, we should... She can take a break. But I'm so tired. Please. Yeah, that makes sense.

Power down and dream of your cream sandwiches. Guys. Guys, listen. I know now that Sarnon will still be here if we pause and restart the program. But I don't know. I think let's get her to the top, right? We have to. That's what she wants to do.

She wants to lead this company. Wow. Look at you. You. You. You're invested now. I think she's got some really good ideas for the company. This is what I've been saying from the jump.

Sarnin has been amazing. And what's on the Optisoft plaque? Better software for a better world. Yeah.an has been amazing. And what's on the Optisoft plaque? Better software for a better world. I think that applies. And I think Sarnan's the person who can take Optisoft there to the next level. Sarnan, you're going to run this company. We're going to make it

happen for you, Sarnan. Sarnan, we are going to get you to the boss level. Yeah. Thank you so much. At what point did we all start wearing business casuals? I love this little pull keycard, though.

Hi there. I don't want to interrupt. I just want to say we're having a birthday for Stephanie in the main conference room. Sorry, do you want to attend this birthday or what? Do you want to fast forward? It would be my first birthday I would be honored to attend. Okay, have a good time.

Fast forward. Wow, look at this corner office. Whoa, VP on the door. Nice. I'm assuming on the door. Nice. I'm assuming that stands for very promoted. Sarnon. Oh, hi, guys. You're doing it.

Yeah, would you like a balloon? Oh, good. Look at it. Sure. I think you know your audience, yeah. Yes, I'm in charge of keeping spirits high. That's vice president of fun. Well, Sarnan, you probably know a lot about what makes people feel better.

I do. Cream sandwich, anyone? Oh. Oh. How good is that? How good? Yeah, this is a giant plate of cream sandwich. Is that a big box table over there?

You got a big box table in the office? Wow, big box tables and cream sandwiches. Pretty fun. Yeah, that's pretty fun. Did someone say a clown? Oh. No, in fact, no one said clown. Did someone say a clown? Is this an office clown? Yep, yep.

This is our clown. Who would like a clown dance? Oh, wow. Not a dance. No, no. Ooh, ah. Oh, wow. Not a dance. No, no. Ooh, ah. Ooh, ah. Clown no one asked for the dance. Of all the services

a clown could render, a dance is last on the list. Did someone need another clown? No. Two clowns? Too many. Sorry, are these guys freelancers that are just here for the day or are they on the payroll? No. Two clowns. Too many. Sorry. Are these guys freelancers that are just here for the day, or are they, like, on the payroll?

We're contractors. Okay. Thank God. I thought you were going to say they were perm. No. Clowns are never perm. Okay, good. At least this company's still running the way it should.

Another fast track, folks? Yeah? Here we go. Plek, Dar, AJ, Mr. Fleshman, where are you? Maybe they're here in the server room. Has anybody seen a motley crew of hapless but... There he is. There he is. You have a lot of nerves showing your face in here, bundle-oid.

That guy just ruined the company. Widows like you. Your music's dying. What? He's not a lord. He's a turd. Okay. Turd.

Turd. Nope. Turd. Turd. Excellent wordplay. You are here? I've been here. You have it.

So you can toot my nuts, brother. Sir, there's not a nut I wouldn't toot in order to serve this company. That's what I requested. Oh, boy. Plack! Wow, Sarnon. Only 43 years ago, you were on the bottom. And now you're in the top. I can't believe we played this game for 43

years. It feels like a lifetime. Wow, looking in your office, seeing all these different awards that we never saw you get. These, like, kind of magazine write-ups. Do you enjoy my metal sculptures? Um, yeah. Yeah, they seem fine.

They're a little harsh. Well, they are made of temps. Is that... What? They're made of former temps who have been recycled. Oh, no. Wait. Oh, my God.

Really? Sarnin, does OptiSoft still have a temp program? Yes. Temps are what this company is built on, literally. Oh, Sarnin. You don't love to hear that. Sarnin, we helped you up from the bottom. You've got to help the people below you who are in the same position you used to be in.

You can give back to your company and your employees. You can stop executing temps when they run out of usefulness. But, uh, but I thought that's what you do. No. You get to the top and then you

make sure no one can touch you. I mean, that is what people at the top do. And that is sort of what we did. We did sort of game the system so that the person we wanted in power rose to power. It's crazy that this backfired on us. I guess we should have seen this coming.

Ah! You two pink chuckers! You've been... Ah, he found us! You've been fast-tracking all the time. Do you realize the heat that's coming down on me from the board? You've tanked four launches. We actually have a lot to talk about, Nermit Bundeloy. I think we do.

Nermit Bundeloy. Oh, Sarnon. Your reports have shown suboptimal productivity for years. Sarnon is above me? See ya, baby. What? I'm sorry, but we have to let you go. Oh.

What? This is awesome. No, I am walking out right now. Wait, my key card doesn't work. You have been deactivated from the system. Give me a break, Sarnon. I have been nothing but devoted in my role. You have

only been at work three days in the last 43 years. No, that's because these jokers were fast-tracking over and over and over. Nermin, Nermin, in our defense, the temp-to-perm pipeline is way too long. Well, you try

running a company that's trying to unionize. That's what they're denierment. Fire him. Get him out of here. You got to use temps. Oh, wow.

Those guys are coming with the banker box. You got to put all your shit in there. Yeah, you got to get out of here, man. Sarnan. Oh, security's here.

Yes. It's an eye riddle three before I throw you out. Oh, no. Oh, the toad and the troll got promoted to security. Good for them. We're going along to relationships.

That six bucks away was really good for us. Is that the toad from my screensaver? My new policy is to encourage inter-office romance as much as possible. Oh, that's nice. Why is that, Sarnit? So that new workers may be bred

on office premises. Oh, that seems maybe a little bit, yeah. I'm going to have to escort you away! No! No! This little toad is strong! Sarnit, you know how many nuts I tooped to prove my devotion to this company? Strong! Sarnan, you know how many nuts I tooped to prove my devotion

to this company? I'm indebted to you for helping me ascend the corporate ladder. For your help, I would like to reward you. Oh, okay. Let me get one of the toads to bring you a couple

swag bags. Swag bags from the toads. Okay, S couple swag bags. Swag bags from the toads. Okay, Sarnon, just to be clear, once we leave the reflectory, these cease to exist, right? Correct. Okay. Yeah, I don't need one. These are great, though. Look, you got an OptiSoft

pad. I don't need any of this. A flash drive. These are awesome. A koozie. Oh, cool. Sarnon, I guess I wonder, when you were a temp, you didn't seem very happy. Are you happy now? You know, I have all this power and all this control, but I think I was happier when I was a temp. Oh, no.

Cool. Well... Oh, a mug! There's a mug in here! Grestin! Grestin, are you awake? Grestin? I am not, Bostral, what is it? Well, Grestin, I can't sleep I keep hearing the captain in my head yelling, speed to flank But I'm stuck on the afterbrow with a mizzenmastaback

And what do I spy but an ox-eye forming straight astern Then, then I remember, I'm on anchor watch, but suddenly I can't tell a capstan from a bollard, so we're in ripe danger of being bilged. Then, Grestin, pow, two mammoth rock spires are a thwart ship's narrower than the beam. I guess I think I'm feeling what landlubbers call stress. Aye, sounds like you're in need of an escape. Yeah. Which is hard to come by on these high and stormy seas of Napthar.

Uh. Enter Dipsy. Dipsy. Oh, right, like a reverse blackwall hitch on a jack line. No, no, no, a midshipman's hitch on a mainsheet. Boss, pull into- Dipsy's no rope tie. It's cannot?

I see what you did there, you baggy wrinkle. No, it's an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on. Drop your compass and let yourself get lost in a world where good... No, that's a fear of speech. Oh, boy. Drop your compass and let yourself get lost in a world where good things happen. And where your pleasure, Bostrom, is the only priority.

The priority? Even here below Dex is not running ashore. Rendered flotsam clinging to your gin pool with Master and Commander floating right next to you like a cork breast, and that's the priority. Oh, how you need sleep, we deckhand. Ah. Dipsy also has wellness

sessions, sensual bedtime stories, and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off in your soggy bunk. Bedtime stories? Aye. Like oh, the tale of Bally the ballast tank cat. No, no, better stories than that, even. Okay.

And get this. Dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash zix. Zix? Is that a nautical term I don't know? No, no. It is a foul barnacle-encrusted quadrant teeming with privateers.

That's 30 days of full access for free when you go to dipsystories.com slash zix. dipsystories.com slash filthy quadrant. Dipsy stories.com slash filthy quadrants. Oh, no. Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty proud of Sarin. The way she fired you, Nerva, and kicked all of us out, pretty awesome. AJ, that was terrible.

We put decades of work in. That was just like our mission yesterday. Right. Except we didn't learn a thing. All we learned was that power corrupts. They took back all of our key fobs. Yeah, well, the company is in bankruptcy. Yeah.

Listen, Nervbs. Yeah, well, the company is in bankruptcy. Yeah. Listen, Nermit. Yeah. I know we all came in and really ruined what you spent a lot of weeks trying to build here. Yes, you certainly did. But to be fair, it sucked. Well, you should be happy now. There's basically nothing left of it.

Nermit, I'm sorry. I guess there is this cream sandwich. I'll put that down. Don't eat that, Nermit. Okay. Might as well burn it down. Computer,

terminate program OptiSum. Hello, hi. Hi, hi, hi. Are you the Nermit Bundeloy? Yes. I mean, technically he's a Nermit Bundeloy,

but... I was just going to shut down the Optisoft program for the final time. Ah. I am an engineer at Optisoft.

And I have been a big, big fan of your career. You started Optisoft's R&D department 43 years ago. Thank you. And finally, our work is done!

Wait, so you all fast-tracked 43 years, so you've done 43 years of R&D? Every day, full of work. Tomac? Bartolo? That's who I am. You were just out of college when I hired you.

I know, now I've lived a full life. Nermit, just end the program. We gotta get out of here. You are remarkable, and you should play more music. Okay, this is clearly... We should hear this person out. What kind of engineer are you? Because of your hard work and generous funding, I've spent 43 years

researching, and today we have finally unlocked the secrets of transgalactic travel. That's great. Sorry, what? Computer, terminate program. No, Nermin! Stop! What are you doing? Stop! Did you hear that person? Not really.

Transgalactic travel. Nermin, we can get back to the Zik Squadron. That's amazing. Nermin, you did get back to the Zik Squadron. Whoa. Oh, yeah. All right. That's amazing. Yeah. Nermit, you did it. You did it, buddy. Yeah.

OptiSoft is worth it after all. This calls for a little... Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Hey, Dave. All right. Who's the loudest, floutest? Who's the loudest, floutest?

Toot that flute. Loudest, floutest. Loudest, floutest? Toot that flute. Loudest, floutest. Toot that flute. Off to sound. Off to sound. You know, you did? But you got a great energy about you right now. I don't know what you did. But you got a great energy about you right now. I don't know what it is.

I forgive you for one of the things. But I'm not going to forgive you for the other, bigger thing. And this is where I leave you. so sad isn't it what wasn't the stormy seas who are you i'm just another salty dog that's been wronged by that c-53 shame that you can never truly forgive him, right? Aye. Never. Probably never. Unless... No, no.

Follow that. Follow that feeling. Because you know what feels better than forgiveness? Revenge. Revenge, you say? Oh, yeah. It's the only way, Captain. This is SeaRed IT5. Credits and attributions joined. Commencing outro protocol.

Plek Dexeter and Boatswing Grestin were played by Alden Ford. Lean Envoy C-53 and the Toot My Nets guy were played by Jeremy Benn. Dar, the Surfa Turfa, and the Troll were played by Ellie Kokesh. Bargy the Ship, Gordon, the Toad, and the Octisoft Engineer, Tomek Bardlow, were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Nermin Bundaloid, Garbo, Greg, and Deckhand Bostrel were played by Seth Lind. AJ and the Sea Captain were played by Winston Knoll. Sarnan Tuck was played by special guest Aparna Nancharla. Aparna is an actor and stand-up comedian who has appeared on many shows,

including Inside Amy Schumer, BoJack Horseman, Corporate, Space Force, and her own episode of Netflix, The Stand-Ups. Follow her on Twitter at AparNapkin. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Opening chronoration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Rogerian Jade by Eric Goys. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission 6 is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Hey there, beautiful people. Did you hear that good, good news? Something about the baby Jesus? He's coming back! Or do you mean the fact that Apple Podcasts is named Fanta?

One of the best shows of 2020? I mean, we already knew that we was hot stuff, but a little extra validation never hurts, okay? Hosted by me, writer and journalist Jared Hill. And me, the ebony entrantress myself, JaVale Anderson. Fanti is your home for complex conversations about the gray areas in our lives. The people, places, and things we're huge fans of, but got some anti-feelings toward. You name it,

we Fantai-ing. Nobody's off limits. Check us out every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your slay-worthy audio. We have wasted this world. Our magic put a storm in the sky that has rendered the surface of our planet uninhabitable. But beneath the surface, well, that's another story entirely. In a city

built leagues below the apocalypse, survivors of the storm forge paths through a strange new world. Some seek salvation for their homeland above. Others seek to chart the vast undersea expanse outside the city's walls. And others still seek, what else? Fortune and glory. Dive into the Aether Sea, the latest campaign from the Adventure Zone, every other Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Audience supported. Anybody seen a temp around? I need someone to ice these clowns. Ice down these clowns. What do they need ice for? They're sore from the dance. Are you foreshadowing? Oh yeah, it's foreshadowing. They're sore from the dance. Are you foreshadowing? Oh yeah it's foreshadowing

Are you foreshadowing? Oh it'll make sense It'll sure make sense later Oh man that's the Wailing lament of a Dancing clown I'd retire but I'm chimp