Mission To Zyxx - 514: The ‘Lapse of Luxury [ft. Aaron Burdette]

Episode Date: November 28, 2021

The crew lands unexpectedly on a forest planet after Bargie shares some news. AJ thinks something is up. Pleck and Nermut go down. Dar gets hugs all around. Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut BundaloyWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as BargieWith special guest Aaron Burdette as Chunky TubbinsEdited by Seth LindSound design and mix by Shane O’ConnellTheme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic OrchestraAdditional Music by Shane O’ConnellOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

It is a time of great unease. The crew of the Bargerian Jade have finally made it home to their beloved quadrant. But something is different. Wrong. Whack! Now, our intrepid heroes must root out the bad vibes, master the three-sided coin of freshness, and face down foes like they've never imagined on their final mission to Zix. Oh, feels good to have a mission.

Yeah. Feels good to have a mission. It's one of the three types of missions. It's a homicide mission. Wait, a homicide mission is a type of mission? Yeah, we have to kill Nermin Bundeloy So there's three types of missions Listen up, there's suicide mission

Homicide mission Insecticide mission Which we kill a bunch of cack But don't tell this guy over here I'm sorry, what? Look at those bug antennae working overtime. Ugh. Wriggling. And there's a fourth kind of mission which I'm told I'm not

supposed to talk about. Genocide mission. This is a homicide mission where we drop in, kill one person, and get out. And it feels good to have purpose. I'll just put that out there. Yeah, I mean, homicide might sort of be a strong word.

Like, I sort of think we're righting a galactic wrong. You know, we're fixing a paradox. Hey, hey. Can everyone keep it just a little down? I'm apologizing to my son. Oh. Oh. Margie, good for you.

That's great news. Again? Son. Hey. Oh, Mom. What? What do you know? that's great news again son hey uh mom what what are you now i just want to make sure i call you by your proper name what what is this what's this get up get up this isn't a get up mom i'm a tough mutter course now what i'm a tough mutter course you know like it's like team building like business corporations it's like an obstacle course but it you know, like, it's like team building, like, business corporations. It's like an obstacle course, but it's just in mud, and it's like...

Okay. Guys, Bloopy's just a huge mud pit right now. I think there's some ropes you can make out if you look at us. Listen, I feel partially responsible for whatever stage this is that you're in. Stage? I have been missing for a while. Okay. Because I physically was missing for a while. Okay. Because I physically was thrown into another

part of space. I mean, what do you want me to say? You've always kind of been gone. You know, if it's not oh, I got shot into another galaxy, it's like, oh, I'm sorry. Banan Forensic is having, like, a private planet party, and I have to go. No kids allowed.

No kids allowed because some naughty things happen. Oh, wow. Yikes. Whoa. Just remembering. Sorry. And then there was that period where you didn't want to parent me because you didn't, quote, feel like it. Well, you know, every parent goes through that part of parenting where they don't feel like it.

Yeah, but they don't act on it, Mom. Anyway, I'm here, and I'm in front of you, and I spent a lot of time thinking I met a brother of yours who wasn't a brother of yours. What? Why even bring that up then? It made me realize just how I want to be part of your life. Wow, um, Wow, um, I feel like I always take the bait on this, but... Okay, yeah. Great, so take our calendars out and figure out a time where we can... We're here right now! What about next week? I'm kind of booked, Mom.

Okay. Yeah, Ronka Cybernetics is doing an executive training. Okay, the week after, though. The month after, the month training. Okay, the week after, though. The month after, the month after. Well, the month after I'm getting married, Mom. Me too. What? All right, well.

Bargy. Let's connect. What? No, wait, I just... You know where I am. I really wanted... I will forefollow. What?

Bargy, at the beginning of this conversation, you said you were apologizing to him. I didn't really hear that. Oh, I forgot that part. Hey, I'm sorry. Oh, he's gone. Yeah, he's gone. Oh, he's gone. I'm sorry.

I think I would bleed with that next time. Yeah. Oh, right. Parenting, right? Tough love. So hard. Well, it is a challenge, certainly. Hey, guys.

Hey, Nermit. well it is a challenge certainly hey guys hey so before we like um the other nermit i was wondering i find it really hard to find people who i can like vibe with duet style and i really think that if i could just get, like, honestly, two hours in the studio with the other Nermint, I feel like we could just... Nermint, are you suggesting that we hold off deposing a shadow emperor so that you could potentially harmonize with yourself? Yes. C gets it.

Why wouldn't you just overdub it? It's the same person. I can never quite get it. Yeah, no kidding. Uh-huh. Yeah, Nermin actually brings up a good point, though, because we've all been sort of assuming we're going to have to kill Nermin Bundeloy.

Homicide mission. Yeah, right, but maybe there's another way. It also seems harsh, because he's probably a cool guy. Well, he's probably just like you. Sort of no guarantee there. Listen, regardless of how we deal with other Nermit, we got to do it now, before things get more whack. We got to get to Quantaris.

Yeah, that's totally right, because if I'm 15 minutes late for the studio, I actually lose the reservation. Nermit, you pre-booked a studio on Quantaris? Yeah, I can't guarantee. You can't just walk in and think you're gonna get the good live room. What if he's trained to kill you, Nermit? I mean,

honestly, that type of aggression, if you harness it right, the song can come alive. So I think, yeah. Well, I hope you didn't put a deposit down on that studio, Nermin. Bargy, listen. What? We can't jerk around anymore.

We got to set a course for Quantaris. We'll discuss it on the way. Is everybody in? Captain Dar, I mean, I guess. Hold on there. Maybe this is something we should dig into right now. The Femme made you our leader. That's a good point, but we're no longer envoys of the coup, so I'm no longer lead envoy.

Yes. Guys, I'll do it. Nermit, just wait. That would be another position that no one nominated you for. Guys, I'll do it. Oh, I don't have to actually do it. I mean, Barj, you want to handle all the logistics of missions? What?

Huh? No, I just want to wear a cool hat. Now, I bring it back. AJ, you want to be captain? No, uh... True Alpha would never actually lead. That's pretty beta. Is that true? How is it beta to lead?

Papa, do you want to do it? Uh, sure. Fine. I just think we need to get going. You know? Bargy, can we set a course for Quantaris, please? Uh, yeah, sure, we can get there, fine. I just think we need to get going, you know? Bargy, can we set a course for Quantaris, please? Uh, yeah, sure, we can get there, yeah. But I have some good reading material, because it's going to take seven years. Uh... All right, go to sleep. Let's do it.

No, AJ, we need to ask Bargy. Seven years? Bargy, we have to go to Quantaris. The Core Worlds aren't even that far away. It should take 48 hours max. Yeah, just fire up the hyperdrive. I don't even think the studio will take reservations seven years in advance. Like, you can't. What?

Easily the least of our problems. I mean, are we low on gas? No, I got lots of gas. Okay. I'm plentiful with gas. Stop ejecting gas. No reason to waste it, Barge. Yeah, we do.

It shouldn't be coming inside the ship. But I can't go to hyperspace without my battery, you silly gooses. Come on, you know how ships work. I actually don't, Bargy. Barge, you need to recharge your hyperdrive battery? Yeah, that only happens once every 1,000 years. Barge, you need to recharge your hyperdrive battery? Yeah, that only happens once every a thousand years. Yeah, those are designed to last. No, that can't be right.

Bargy, you're nowhere near a thousand years old. Well, a thousand years is the projected battery life, but different circumstances can change that pretty dramatically. Hey, let's see that clip. Nope, that doesn't work sorry most ships also run their hollow projectors off of the hyperdrive battery

are you saying Bargy ran down her hyperdrive by showing too many clips of her movies nothing has ever made less sense and more sense at the same time most ships just don't watch this many clips. I do force you to watch a movie every day.

I love movie day. Movie day is every day, AJ. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's probably part of the problem. I love every day. I was going to say, let's see a clip of movie day. Oh, you've got a clip of movie day? Yeah.

Is it all of us watching a hollow? Yeah. Oh, we've got to get that charged. All right. Bargy, what do we have we got to get that charged. All right. Bargy, what do we have to do to get your hyperdrive battery back online? You charge it. Okay. Okay.

You plug it in for like 30 minutes or something. A 1,000-year battery? Wow. That can't. Why can't you just plug it into the wall? There's outlets everywhere. That's not how it works. That's not how it works.

Okay. I guess we're going to that visible planet. Yeah, I'd start there. Maybe we'll luck out. Works for me. Barchi, how is there not an inverter or something that you can plug in to charge it with gas? If what just hearing you makes me dethrone you of being captain, I'm throwing it back to Don. I was never captain.

Aha! Hey, Don. Nice one. Wow. They really had that trumpet at the ready. You kept one. Wow. I mean, couldn't have chosen a better place to emergency land. This is always kind of what you want in an alien planet, you know? Just huge evergreens.

It smells great here. Listen to all those birds. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are all excited. Everybody's excited now until there's, you know, people hiding in the brush ready to take out your strike team. Is that something that happened to you on a mission before? Should we check the brush? I don't know. What we did was, before anybody could do that,

we burned the whole thing down. Wait, wait, wait. Is there a strike team? The brush is moving. And it's giggling. Yeah, that's it. Alright, we're going to need flamethrowers. Take it on.

That's sort of an impish chuckle. That doesn't really seem like someone who's trying to... Hello, we mean you no harm. Yeah, that was our official greeting, flamethrower. Hello. Oh, my rock. Hello. Oh, it's so cute.

Look at this adorable little fuzzy guy. Hello. Hello, I'm Chunky Tubbins. His name is Chunky Tubbins? Get out of here with this. Chunky Tubbins, wow. Look at this guy. Hey, Tubbins, do you have identification?

We typically identify ourselves with our hug style. Okay. Get in here. That's not valid. AJ, stand down. Stand down, AJ. Look at this guy. I don't like this.

I call second hug. Wow. Everybody get a little fur. That's a good hug. Oh, wow. That fur is soft. Are you hypoallergenic? Everyone is here.

There's no allergies on this planet. Wow. Not a single allergen. We don't have any flowers. Maybe you noticed. Oh, yeah, it's all sort of like ferns and moss. It's hard to notice the things that aren't there sometimes. Aren't there, yeah.

The first thing we're taught in school here is what we don't have. And it starts with flowers? That's lesson one. Day one, you walk in. Hey, chunky tubbids. And the other snookums. They're called snookums? Is the name of your species? Yes, we're the snookums.

Oh, there's more of you? There's eight billion of us. That's a lot of cuteness. Are those snookums rustling? Is that what's rustling in the brush? Oh, for sure. Show yourselves. AJ.

AJ. AJ. Look at these guys. They're adorable. Chunky Mr. Tubbins. How should I? Chunky Tubbins? Please call me Chunky Tubbins. Oh, the whole thing. Okay. Chunky, Mr. Tubbins, how should I, Chunky Tubbins? Please call me Chunky Tubbins.

Oh, okay. Chunky Tubbins. Can do. Tell us about your society. There's a lot of you here. I mean, are you interplanetary? Are you only on this planet? Well, we try to keep it local.

Our main commodity, I would say, is our cuteness. Oh, I'll say. Our durability. Oh, uh-huh. And we love to be snuggled, so it's no is our cuteness. Oh, I'll say. Our durability. Oh, uh-huh. And we love to be snuggled, so it's no skin off our back. Okay. Well, why don't you get in here, little guy? Okay, let's do it again.

Now, Chuckie Tubbins, is there a currency exchange when you're being cute and people are witnessing your cuteness? No. It's a bartering system. We'll cuddle stuff in exchange for perhaps further cuddles. Oh, okay. Sometimes we'll trade a snuggle for a cuddle. Oh, sure. Or a little head pat for a butt scratch.

Listen, man. Listen, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A word. Mm-hmm. This is a bullshit. What's going on here? You're the mission guy.

What kind of mission is this? Do we need to take them all out? This is a bullshit. What's going on here? You're the mission guy. What kind of mission is this? Do we need to take them all out? AJ, we were headed on a very specific mission, and then we were waylaid. There's no... We were waylaid. That's right. So we should take them all out and complete the mission. Can I squeeze in between you two real quick?

No, this is a side, bro. Absolutely. This is a side. Oh, I'm so sorry. Come on. Make a little chunkwitch with me, AJ. Come on. Come on make a little chunk witch With me AJ Give me a hug

Fine I'm doing it He's squishy Do you have bones what's the deal No we're the only invertebrates With legs Amazing Our anatomy consists of a bunch of things we call

cute sacs that are stacked on top of each other. Oh my gosh. Explains so much. So you basically are literally like a stuffed animal then? That's right. A collection of cells that is meant to have one thing done to it

and that is be snuggled. Wow. Chunky Tubbins, I gotta say I'm impressed by how your society has merged with this beautiful planet. You know, there's all of those walkways between the trees. You've got a lot of huts up there. I see a couple of snookums swinging from tree to tree. Oh, yeah. Yeah, these could all be easily changed into weapons of war.

What? Well, you would never do that. Oh yeah? You put a couple of those vines around logs and swing them together at the same time. It takes a clip transport out like that. Next thing you know, all the cute little aliens are using your helmets for a xylophone.

What? Do I have to be clear? They put the helmets in a row and played them like a xylophone. You wouldn't get different notes yeah the helmets are all the same they'd make the same note it was a jaunty tune that they were playing in celebration aj that happened to you that's why we burned the jungle down can i squeeze in real quick no bones very easy for him to squeeze in conversations aj

listen look at this little guy here's the thing if there's anything i've heard from all the other Yeah, no bones. Very easy for him to wriggle into these conversations. AJ, listen. Look at this little guy. Here's the thing. If there's anything I've heard from all the other clints, it's that usually the cuter a species is, the more deadly they are. So let's go through it. Do you have, like, a poisonous pincher up your butt or something? Nope, no poisons whatsoever.

Okay. AJ, that was your first question? Up the butt? Are you like the wiffles where you just kind of multiply and it becomes this crazy thing and it's too much of you? Oh, that's a good question. Oh, Jake. That was your first question? Up the butt? Are you like the wiffles where you just kind of multiply and it becomes this crazy thing and it's too much of you? Oh, that's a good question. Oh, no. No, not at all. We've fully plateaued as a species.

We're like, that's enough. And now we just stopped having sex. You couldn't get cuter, so you might as well. That's very pragmatic. Yeah, and honestly, knowing that these cuddles are strictly platonic makes them that much more appealing. Okay, if we feed you or get you wet, do you get mean? No, I'd like it. People don't get mean when you feed them.

They get less mean. I've heard stories. What kind of stories? Mog, why would you suggest that? Okay. Are you secretly, like, a blob creature inside of you or something? Put your hand inside my butt. I don't want to. Oh, wow. I have, like, a blob creature inside of you or something? Put your hand inside my butt. I don't want to.

Oh, wow. I have, like, a little puppet hole. Oh, that's just lined with... It feels just like fabric. That's right. Okay. We're so soft. All right.

See, AJ, you got any other questions for Chucky Tubbins, or are you going to start to trust him a little bit? Yeah, I know this is difficult to believe, Do you have any other questions for Chucky Tubbins? Or are you going to start to trust him a little bit? Yeah. I know this is difficult to believe, but we are a war-free, exclusively tourism-based society that has no dark secrets to speak of whatsoever. Wow. Wow, that's an ominous way to phrase that. Yeah, I was with you. Is the truth ominous?

Sometimes, to be perfectly frank with you, yes, sometimes it is. Give me an example of the truth being ominous. Well, eventually the galaxy will succumb to heat death and become a cold, frozen wasteland. Oh, but who can think of that when you have all of these to hold and squeeze? Are those babies? Oh, gosh. Yeah, Dar, you're holding like 15 of them. Oh, but there's so much

Dar to go around and so many Snookums to hold. Some of them seem holiday themed. What's the deal? Yeah, we have a lot of variety. We want to make sure there's a little something for everybody here. Oh, cool.

Different colored little, like, long hoods. I will say, maybe the biggest flaw with our entire species is we are a little vain. Oh. Uh-huh. Yeah, sure. Not the no bones? I wouldn't call that a flaw. That's a feature.

Honestly, you're right. Also, C53, you don't have that a flaw. That's a feature. Honestly, you're right. Also, C-53, you don't have bones. Yeah. And all your features are bugs. This insect-looking guy here, this hideous guy, doesn't have bones? It's an exoskeleton. I object to the term hideous. I apologize.

Hideous is just a word here we use for anyone who doesn't look as cuddly as us. It's not meant to be an insult. It's just, you know, again, the truth. Yeah, it's just an ominous statement of fact or whatever you all called it earlier. That's a good point, Dart. Okay, well, Chunky Tubbins, do you have power sources for us? Because, you know, that's what our mission is.

Well, we've got a bunch back at Snookumsville. Our capital. Yeah, we use a lot of wind power, a lot of hydroelectric. Hydroelectric? Mm-hmm. Wow. We disguise it as vines and leaves and wood,

giant logs that swing back and forth. That's much cuter. It is cute, and it adds to our aesthetic. Considerably more adorable. Well, you want to get going? I can show you what we got. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, sure. Considerably more adorable. Well, you want to get going? I can show you what we got. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, sure.

Let's look around. Okay, well, as you walk through Snookums are singing Of course Oh, it's just all kinds of Snookums hugging Yeah, pretty flammable Pretty flammable Did you say flammable, AJ?

The place is flammable All we have to do is get rid of the threat Many places are flammable, AJ Yeah, but you gotta make a flammable assessment When you go into aable, ain't they? Yeah, but you gotta make a flammable assessment when you go into a place and you're like, can we burn it? I don't think so. What? Wow, look at that intricate carving of all of those different kinds

of hugs. Yeah. This depicts the journey of our species from being kind of cuddly to being extremely cuddly. Oh yeah, I guess I can see it. Over on the left, there's sort of like a sort of friendly kind of a business sort of hug. And over here on the right, it's just what a warm embrace. Oh, it looks like you evolved to lose bones.

I see spines on these early ones. Oh, yeah, we got rid of those pronto. Spines? Yeah. We did not need those. Wow, chunky Tubbins. What a nice little society this is. Could we give you a few hugs for a recharge of our ship's hyperdrive battery,

and then we'll be on our way? A battery recharge, I think, is probably going to take more than a few hugs. I don't mean to drive a hard bargain, but... How many hugs are we talking? 600 hugs. 600 hugs! 600 hugs. That's right. Like, you have to understand, from their perspective, they're offering us 1,000 years of battery life.

I mean, they don't know how we're going to squander it. That's true. Yeah. That's true. 600. Easy. Easy. Nonsense.

Chunky Tobbins. Chunky Tobbins. Yes, what? This large one has been hugging Snookums this whole time. They have plenty of hugs if they want to trade for power. This is a hug-rich species? We've struck gold! They're hugging dozens of us at a time!

Wow, Dar, good job! We have to take advantage of this. Gather everyone. They're climbing Dar like a tree. Wow. There's so many. You're going to revitalize our economy, I can just tell.

Wow. I've never thought about it that way, but when somebody hugs me, it really stays with me for the whole day. I feel like a richer person. What are you talking about? Never mind. Chunky Tubbins, do you have a vine long enough for me to run back to our ship? I'll just take that back, plug in Bargy, and we'll be good to go.

Yeah, that sounds great. We have a couple of vines over there that are hooked up to our hydroelectric dam. I got you. I got the other one. Okay. You don't have to. I'm going to help. You can come with me, but I'll carry the vines.

Carry me, but I'm still going to hold the vines so that I'm doing something. But you carry me. Chunky Tubbins, we'll be right back. Oh, yeah. Down here. Further down. Tiny recorder, long microphone. Turn off the camera. Hello.

So, Paleminius. Yeah? Now that your show has been put on indefinite hiatus while Galactic Leader Nerva Bundaloy airs seemingly benign government programming around the clock on nearly every holo-channel, how are you managing to keep the drama alive? It hasn't been easy, Dinkle. Normally I, Polemeneus, Ouch, don't give a couch.

But I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been throwing back flute after flute of Tracee Grimes' non-alcoholic champagne for pets. My only salvation is fashion. My goodness, yes, just look at you. Who are you wearing? Polemonius and Ouch. You have a line? Basically, yeah And so can anyone

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Thanks, Dinkle. This just in. Legions of clone soldiers have descended on Quantaris. Oh, what the heck? Oh, yeah. Oh, what the heck? Oh, yeah. Okay, what title should we choose this evening on Story Time with Galactic Leader Bundle?

Oh, one-gurp, two-gurp, red-gurp, blue-gurp. A yummy classic. Oh, yay. I gotta say, I feel like we have bigger things to do. Like, we are literally supposed to be saving the universe right now, but... Yeah. It's just nice. It's nice to do something fun, you know? It's nice to just... We're back in Zix. There's some cute little cuddly guys. Absolutely. I think I needed a break more than I thought.

I know. It feels good to... I mean, I'm exhausted and I can't work anymore, but it feels good to just use your body a little bit. Just give me the vines, Nermin. Okay, you take these, and I'm just gonna... Whoa! My foot's stuck. Nermin, keep up. It's stuck. Ah!

Oh, Nermin! Are you okay down there? It's stuck down here. Get me out. Get me out. Nermin, grab my hand. It's down here. Get me out. Get me out. Nermin, grab my hand. It's alright. Draw a vine. Oh, yeah, that makes more sense. Take the vine. It might be charged with electricity. I don't know how it works.

Alright, Nermin. We're gonna... Ow! Man, now we're both in here. Yeah, the vine was wrapped around my ankle when I threw it down. Oh. That's what sort of pulled me in.

Oh. Oh. Oh, my rod. It's hideous. Oh, my gosh. It's like mostly tongue. Help. Oh, mostly tongue and genitals.

That's all it is. Help. Help. Mostly tongue and genitals. That's all it is. Help. What is that tube connected to? It's hooked up to a machine. This is terrible.

What's happening? I'm being siphoned for my cuteness. I don't think that you're a good candidate for that. Nermin. Please don't think that you're a good candidate for that. Nermin. Please don't leave me in my hideous, visible, prolapsed anus. I really want to leave you. My name used to be Slapty Chuckleburg, but now they just call me Prolapsed Anus. That's so rude.

I mean, it's accurate. Please. You have to save me and my people. You were a snookum? I was a snookum. I am a snookum. I'm an ugly snookum. The lowest of the low.

Oh no. I mean. This machine simulates hugs, but reverse hugs. Like somebody who you run into at a party that you've met a thousand times, but they don't remember your name. Oh, and you hug them and it's like, yeah, yeah. It's doing that to me constantly. Well, I'll never forget your name. Which one?

Well, I remember Prolapsinus, but I know that's not your real name. See, that's the problem with the way this system works. That's all you're going to remember. Oh, no. I'm doing it. I'm making it worse. So this unhugging machine is... What is it doing?

It's siphoning off all of my cuteness and bottling it so it can be transferred to the rich elite Snookums above. Oh, yeah, back there I can see the bottler. Oh, that's how the Snookums stay cute, by stealing the cuteness from each other? And then they get rich with more and more hugs while we sit down here growing extra genitals. Oh, no.

while we sit down here growing extra genitals. Oh, no. Listen, short of hugging you, what can I do to help? Well, that's about it. We got to carry these vines and stuff, so we would totally hug you. You know what? We'll be back, okay? We just got to plug in our ship, we got to get the rest of our crew, and then we're going to figure out how to help you. You know how many people have said that?

Everybody falls down this damn well. We will totally be back. Yeah, right. I'll believe it when I see it with my one eye. I'll unhook you from this machine. Is it rude to take a couple bottles of the cuteness just to... Yes. Rude? Yes. It's pretty thirsty on this vine hike. It's super rude. 3,338.

3,339. Dar. Yeah. Dar, we've long since paid for Bargy's recharge. I don't think you need to keep hugging so much. Oh, they should be paying me! Yeah, I don't

think that's how their economy works, though. 3,300 and I've lost count. I guess I should start over. I'm number one! I'm number one! I'm number one. Number one. Number two.

Mr. Bookman, I'm telling you, these things are going to turn on us, and it's going to get ugly. AJ, I think this might just be a planet of friendly, soft creatures, and I don't know that we're going to be attacked at any time. Can I get in here? Yes. Here, I'll just... I don't know that we're going to be attacked at any time. And honestly, you... Can I get in here? Yes. Here, I'll just... Ross, you're just so soft. You guys can have all the fun you want,

but somebody's got to keep us safe from these soft, boneless creatures, and that's me. AJ, what do you think would happen even if they did start attacking us? What could they possibly do to you, a super soldier in highly advanced armor, and me, the pinnacle of bug-based evolution? Plop on us? I don't know. Are you hearing yourself? Plop on us? Well, I'd like to weigh in if that's okay. Where do you keep coming from, man? I was under your feet. Yeah, he's constantly underfoot. What are you talking about? Don't step on

me. Oh, should we constantly underfoot. What are you talking about? Don't step on me. Oh, should we make this a group hug? Oh, please. There we go. Yay! Group hug! Group hug! Yay! Big ol' group hug.

They're swarming us. They're swarming us. This is a swarm. Yay! We are a swarm. Yay! We are a swarm. No, swarm is bad. Now, Chunky, you know, we're giving out a lot of hugs here. And, you know, if your economy is hug-based, there is a danger of too many hugs potentially devaluing a hug.

Well, all I can tell is that we're getting rich, baby. Keep it coming. Nothing can go wrong. Too big to fail. Well, could you imagine there being any such thing as too much money? Yes, it's actually ruined many planetary economies. Okay, bad question. Could you imagine there being too much happiness?

Okay, well, now that is hard to imagine. Get over here. There we go. Our economy is strong. Listen, Prolapsed Anus, I'm so sorry about what happened to you. We're going to get you out of here. And then I'm going to have some strong words for Chunky Tubbins. And say your original name one more time.

I swear we'll remember it. It's just not quite as memorable. It's not quite as memorable. Please remember. It's Slapty Chucklebags. Slapty Chucklebags. Slapty Chucklebags. I thought it was Slapty Chuckleburg.

Was it? Yes, it was. You forgot. Oh, no. You've been going by Slapty for so long. Slapty is the machine too long. Slappy. Slappy, we will not forget you.

No, we never will. Somebody's coming. Somebody's coming. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. news to tell you we're laying you off. What? This is considered employment? You sucked all the cuteness out of me and you're cutting me loose? Cutting you loose.

They're hooking up another Snookums to the machine. Oh, man. All right, you get in there. Hold still. Yeah, that's right. We're going to extract all that cuteness out of you. I think they got those perfect big eyes. Won't take long.

Hey! Who's that? Who's that? Run! Up the vine. Wow. Oh, boy. This is harder than it looks.

Oh, climbing it? Yeah. Oh, boy. I should have. I'm a little ways up. Okay. I'm going to hold on to you instead of the vine. You can pull it.

This is... I thought... You know, you see people, like, walking up this... It's way harder than it seems. It's a good thing these guys are small. That was really hard. Let us never speak of what we've seen. Hey, guys. Oh, hello. Oh, there must be a faster way to the surface.

Hello, Prolapsanus. I mean, um, uh, Slapdy... Slapdy McChuckle. Slapdy... Shoot. Wow. You really tried. But there's nothing for me now.

I mean, look at me. Who's going to cuddle me now? I'm sure somebody. Somebody might. Somebody will. No one will cuddle me. No, somebody. I know.

It happened to my father and his father before him. I'm headed for the thresher. What? Yeah, I'm giving up. There's a big thresher that just kind of smashes us to bits because we can't die otherwise. No bones. It's complicated.

Yeah, bones aren't really what keep you... Never mind. I don't know how your species works, but bones aren't the thing that... Keeps you from dying? Keeps you from dying, necessarily. Well, it is for us. Okay, all right.

I can't justify it. I wasn't a professor of anatomy By the way, what were you a professor of, Professor Prolapsanus? Indigenous Studies Oh, okay Hey, here come Black and Nermit running towards us. This is it. This is it.

Lock and load. We got to get out of here. AJ, you can't know for sure. They're running in for a hug. We're going to lay waste to this place. I know it. Guys, we figured it out. There's a dark secret here in Snookumsville.

There's a deep, dark secret. It's literally deep and it's a dark secret here in Snookumsville. There's a deep, dark secret. It's literally deep and it's literally dark. They are siphoning cuteness out of the poor Snookums in Snookumsville. They use it to power their whole economy. They take the cuteness and give it to the rich so that they can stay on top. They have no respect for professors. Okay. So this is a threat to us right now?

No, it's not a threat. It's just a planetary injustice. A societal wrong that they're inflicting on their own kind. Alright, stand down everybody. Just a planetary injustice. So am I allowed to hug them anymore? I don't understand.

Hold off for just a second, Dar. Can I kick this one? Get out Dora. Can I get in here? Oh, hey. Sure. What are you guys talking about? Yeah, um, Chunky, I know I wasn't supposed to take one of these,

but can you explain this? Oh, that looks like some kind of hip drink the kids are into. It's a bottle of cuteness, Chunky Tubbins, and you know it. You went down? You went beneath the city? Yes. That was siphoned off of Slapty... Slapty... McChucklebags? And now he's barely recognizable.

Yeah. A once lauded professor brought low. He was my teacher. He taught you indigenous studies? Oh, he taught me. We hooked him up to the machine and we sucked him dry. Nice. Grandma.

Chunky. That's what we do here. You know, can I just say how disappointed I am that there's a dark secret? I really thought this was just a cozy, cuddly planet. Can I say I'm disappointed that it was just sort of like an internal matter? Is that fair or is that not? You mean that no one was attacking us? We're fine.

We're taking this power, right? Yeah, we hooked up, Bargy. We've got the vines hooked in. Should we just go? We can just take off, right? AJ, this is terrible. It's horrific. Chunky Tubbins, there's eight billion Snookums on this planet.

How many of them live above ground? 600. No! What? That's right. Yikes. There are several billion Snookums underground. Oh, no.

Being siphoned at any given time. Chunky Tubbins, no. Hey, is anybody going to stop Dar from hugging everybody? Dar, Dar, what? Dar, knock it off. Don't, don't. This is exactly what Chunky Tubbins wants. Yes, fill us up.

Fill us with riches. If there are only 600 of you, that means those snookums are coming back around for seconds and thirds and fourths. That's right. You're just making the cuddly cuddlier. That's right. We walk off and we change our little hat and then we come back for more. Nobody can tell us apart. There's nothing for you to do about this.

This is our culture and it's working great. All 600 of us who live above ground are doing perfectly well. And you don't hear any of the people underground complaining because they're out of earshot. And nothing will ever change. Yes? people underground complaining because they're out of earshot and nothing will ever change yes the snuggles and pats 500 crashed you say the s&p 500 is completely gone so there's there's rapid hug inflation you say so you're saying that giving out thousands and thousands of hugs all at once was a bad idea? And the quality of the hugs was so good that we can never live up to them? Our entire economical system has fully collapsed and we are spiraling into

a debt crisis. Okay. Wow. I did sort of mention this to them and I feel like it got glossed over. Is that why all those snowcams are throwing themselves off the tree? This is a crisis we never could have predicted. They're just bouncing back up so cutely. Yeah, it doesn't really seem

to affect them, but they really seem to be giving it a shot. We can't die unless we go at a thresher. Wait, so what happened? Can somebody explain this to me as if I don't know economics? So, AJ, imagine you've got 10 Nermos, right? Uh-huh. And you want to buy a new, I don't know, butt gun. And it costs 10 Nermos.

But imagine every other Clint just got a thousand Nermos, and there's only one butt gun. Is this making sense, or am I sort of... I'm not sure where the hugs are coming into it all. That was my mistake, trying to use an

analogy. You dumbass. Yes. What is happening in Snookumsville? That was my mistake trying to use an analogy. Thank you, Thomas. Yes. What is happening in Snookumsville? All is lost. Oh, you look sad. Do you need a hug? No, that's the last thing I want. Bargy, got the power.

Let's fire up that movie day clip. No, no, Bargy, don't do it. All right, put it in. Turn it off, Bargy. Have we learned nothing? All right, everyone, it's movie don't turn it off. Have we learned nothing? All right, everyone, it's movie day. Oh, Luke. Who's turn is it to pick up?

Oh, me, me. Can we please watch Lockwood and where you were the cuckoo clock, Bargy? You know, and you were made out of wood. Bargy, stop the clip. You're draining your battery. Let's charge now, Plek. We can watch as many clips as we want. We don't have a thousand years now. We showed as we want. We don't have a thousand years now.

We showed that earlier. We definitely don't have a thousand years. And here are clips of Plek telling us not to do things. Pargy, stop the clip. You're draining your battery. This is just a few seconds ago. Pargy, you're recording all of this right now just to play it later? I'm always recording.

You're recording all of this right now just to play it later? I'm always recording. You're recording all of this right now just to play it later? Yeah, I think the cameras and audio are coming off the hyperdrive battery. Of course they do. Wow. Oh, boy. Listen, Bargy, I'm glad you're charged up. Can we get to space now? Wait, where's Dar?

Whoa. Wait, we can't leave without Dar. Oh, Dar didn't get on the ship with us? Oh, Dar was really, really into those hugs. Yeah, that's true. No worries. Here Dar is. Hey.

Oh. Hey. Dar, have you always had that goatee? Oh, this old thing? You. He hit him pretty hard. Maybe then Plek will think about commenting on my appearance again, right? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To be fair, Plek, you were kind of judgy about that goatee. Well, no, I just I feel like you bug. OK, that's a pretty good nickname. Well, anyway, Dar, I'm glad you're back. I just want to say, let's all together, as a team,

go and destroy that evil doppelganger who's definitely the only one in the galaxy. Captain Dar, here's your horn. The bridge is yours. Thank you. Captain Dar. Captain Dar. That's me, Captain Dar.

That's weird. Avant-garde. This is SeaRed IT5. Credits and attributions joined commencing outro protocol. Pluck Dexeter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Vett. Dar was played by Ali Kukash. Barji the Ship, the snookum who runs the anti-hug machine, were played by Mujan Zulfagari.

Nerd Bundle was played by Sesslin. AJ was played by Winston Null. Chunky Tubbins and the snookum formerly known as Professor Slapdew Chuckleburg were played by special guest Aaron Burdett. Aaron is a TV writer, most recently for the series Close Enough on HBO Max. If you have a ton of time on your hands, you can also find his work on the series Inside Job and Man Seeking Woman, which are on competing streaming services.

If you haven't quit Twitter yet, you can follow him at Aaron Burdett. This episode was edited by Seth Lind, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian symphonic orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Dar's horn was played by Raleigh Mulherker. Opening choral narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Shift design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Gois. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Do you sometimes wonder whatever happened to the kids at your school who really loved

Star Trek? You might remember a kid like me, the one who read the Star Trek novels and built starship models. I also took music classes to avoid taking gym classes that required showering after, but I don't see what that really has to do with- Or a kid like me. I introduced myself to kids at my summer camp one year as Wesley,

but when the school year started and some of those kids were in my new class, I actually had to explain to my friends that I had tried to take on the identity of my favorite Star Trek character. The shame haunts me to this day. I'm sure some of those Star Trek fans from your childhood grew up to have interesting and productive lives, but we ended up being podcasters. On The Greatest Discovery, you'll hear what happens to two lifelong Star Trek fans who didn't grow up to be great people,

they just grew up to be people who love jokes as much as they love Trek. Season 4 of Star Trek Discovery is here, so listen to our new episodes every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, it's Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun. It's the Thanksgiving season, and I want to take this opportunity to thank you, the members of Maximum Fun. of Maximum Fun. This MaxFunDrive, your generosity and your love of pins helped us raise over $90,000 to help bridge the digital divide. Families without internet access struggle to do things that the rest of us might take for granted, especially during COVID. Going to school, applying for jobs, fighting medical care. Your donations help the nonprofit Everyone On. They

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Now, Chubby... What's that? Chubby... Chunky. Wait, I thought... Oh, boy. Chucky Tuffins. Chunky Tuffins. Please call me Chubby Tuffins. Chubby Tuff's that? Chubby... Chunky. Wait, I thought... Oh, boy. Chunky Tuffins. Chunky Tuffins.

Please call me Chubby Tuffins. Chubby Tuffins is my aunt. Chubby Tuffins is my father's name.