Mission To Zyxx - 517: Old Boy [ft. Hari Kondabolu]

Episode Date: January 20, 2022

The crew is in for a little surprise when they arrive at… Mufalata Secundus? Bargie undercompensates. Dar drinks the Dramamom. C-53 ranks albums. Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut BundaloyWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and Justin BallweheatWith special guest Hari Kondabolu as Pawlr’dd. And featuring Cole Semien-GraefEdited by Seth LindSound design and mix by Shane O’ConnellTheme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic OrchestraOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz Audio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

It is a time of great unease. The crew of the Bargerian Jade have finally made it home to their beloved quadrant. But something is different. Wrong. Whack! Now, our intrepid heroes must root out the bad vibes, master the three-sided coin of freshness, and face down foes like they've

never imagined on their final mission to Zix! So, Papa. Yeah? How's the new eye? Oh, man. It's amazing.

I get everything. If I look at someone, it tells me their heat signature. It tells me biometric data about them. Oh, hold on a second. Sorry. Just got to close this window. It froze up. Now I got to restart.

Restart your eye? Yeah, I got to reset it every once in a while. There's a lot of glitches. What was your ad for? This was for like a, I don reset it every once in a while. There's a lot of glitches in... What was your ad for? This was for like a... I don't get it. It's like a monthly bathrobe subscription service. Oh, that makes a lot of sense.

It's called Robe, but it's sort of spelled weird. It's like a R-O with the dots over it, and then B, Robe. Oh, see, they were one of our sponsors for Cube2Cube. Remember? Then they dropped us. Oh, yeah. Well, I think there was some confusion over the pronunciation, because I think, Barge, you kept calling them Rob.

Right. And you kept screaming. I, there was a lot of screaming. Broke too bad, y'all. You know, with the umlaut there, I think the pronunciation is actually Rube, which is not very complimentary either. Yeah, Rob and Rube, both less desirable than robe. Yeah.

Either way, I'm not sure why you would need a new robe every month. Yeah, there's something between just one robe and a new robe every month. Okay, sure. But I think the point of it is you get like four robes and you pick the robe you want and you send back the ones you don't, right? Yeah, either way, AJ, I don't need that many robes. But it's like tailored to your robe needs, right? Once they start to learn your style, they start to send the robe that you really want.

Yeah, they seem to have a lot of information about my exact size and shape. I've never given them any of this information. Well, that eye might have rear sensors to scan you internally. Classic. You'd be looking right in my brain. Yeah, you're probably going to start to get a lot of ads for, like, custom neurotransmitters and stuff like that. Yeah, sticks.

I'm sure those are exact measurements, all that time you spend checking out yourself in a full-length mirror, you know? I have to make sure that I'm living up to the Zima ideal of being put together, but not too put together. What's the Zima scroll that requires Zimas to be put together, but not too put together? It's more of a triangulation C-53. Okay. Can we lay off a Plek for a second, okay?

C-53, are we close to Muffalatus Secundus yet? Well, um, we should be pulling out of hyperspace any minute now. Oh, man. Guys, I can't believe we did it. We're coming in hot. We gotta go in hot. Yeah. AJ, I don't know if that's the best idea. Why not? I mean, it's a lava plan, so it's already

hot enough, probably. We gotta match the hot. We gotta match the heat. We don't fight fire with fire, AJ. Why wouldn't you? If you're not as hot as the fire, how we don't fight fire with fire aj why wouldn't you if you're not as hot as the fire how are you gonna fight hey are we talking about what's hot right now yeah we're talking about fire yeah we are barge but i don't think it's bargy two wings bargy no more one wing i'm back baby and i got two wings thank you everyone stop clapping and hooting and hollering yes i am very physically attractive.

Yeah, Bargy, you know, I'm mainly only asking this because I know you want me to, but how is the response on social media? Huge. I posted a hot, hot pic. Everyone's liked it. Yeah, wow, Bargy, look at these replies. You're blowing up. Thank you.

No, Bargy's also in Sentient magazine. Oh, wow. Yeah, they work really fast. Yeah, see that candidate? Oh, they had to do the extra flap out to get the new wing. Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, the headline is, we'll horn for Bargy again.

We're horned? Yeah. Wow. Pretty intense. Oh, Bargy upgraded your horn. Sounds good. Wow. Pretty intense. Oh, Bargy upgraded your horn. Sounds good. Hey, everyone.

Shut up. Okay? I'm about to drop out of hyperspace. Oh, okay. Great. Come on. It's a place of business. You know, guys, I just want to say before we come out of hyperspace, we've had a couple false starts.

We've been waylaid on way to our mission a couple times, and I just want to say we're finally here. We finally did it, so let's gear up. Let's go in and knock them dead. Well, with a speech like that, I am ready to go. Thank you. Thank you, Agent. That's right. We were waylaid, but now we're not waylaid. Let's do this. Thank you.

Hey, just a reminder, because I've been so focused on how hot I am, what is it exactly that we're doing? Remind it because I've been so focused on how hot I am. What is it exactly that we're doing? Bargy, we're landing on a lava planet to track down and confront Kor Baelvor and the evil Nermid Bundle. I didn't know about that. None of that you knew? No.

It's kind of been what we've been doing for the past few... I mean, ultimately five years. I mean, yeah, true, If you think about it that way. Huh. Sorry I wasn't paying attention. Alright. Okay, here we go, guys. We're coming out! We're coming out! Let's do this! Yeah!

Hey, Daria, you didn't barf that time. Good job. Oh, no. This time I... I took a whole bottle of Dramamon. A whole bottle of what?amon. A whole bottle? I think there's some weird side effects. Like, ugh, visions. None of this looks like Mufalata Secundus.

No. Wait, Dari, I think you're right. That's not Mufalata Secundus. I mean, where are the lava flows? Where are the plumes of magma? Yeah, this isn't it. Looks like we're coming to naught. So I'm not seeing things?

High five, AJ. No, this isn't Mufalata Secundus. Bargy, we were supposed to go to Mufalata Secundus. You had the coordinates. What happened? I don't know. Wait, what? Okay, Bargy, now we're turning away from the planet.

Hold on a second. Bargy, now we're turning away from the planet. Hold on a second. Margie, bring up your flight path from Quantaris for a second. That's a very personal thing for you to ask. Well, we're not in the place we're supposed to be. All right, is my personal flight path? You should share this with people I'm intimate with. Oh, okay, Margie, I'm seeing a pretty big difference here from your projected

flight path and your actual flight path. Bargy, you basically flew in a half circle. Oh. Bargy, did you compensate for the extra wing? Oh, yeah. By oh, yeah, do you mean no?

Bargy, we were in hyperspace for like 48 hours. Bargy doesn't have to compensate for her wing at all. Thank you, AJ. No, but you have to have compensated for it just navigation. No, she's looking fly. She looks great. Everybody said so. Sentient said so. Bargy,

I don't know what it takes to, you know, redo the math or something, but we have to get to Muffalata Secundus. Okay, so fine. I will admit I got the wig, but that didn't change anything about myself. Calculation-wise, I guess, for me to get to the right direction flight-wise. So, Bargy, you're saying that you made an external change and didn't make an internal change personally to sort of...

Wow. Wow. Like, you get centered when you look like you said... Sorry, I thought that's what you were... I thought that's what you were saying. But yes, it's true. But the wing is working. Ow!

It's literally... Gosh, Queen. It's literally not working. Yeah, it's not... Awoo. It's not working from a, you know, engineering perspective. This wink is functional.

Functional? Kind of really sums it all up. Crew, crew, listen up. Clap, clap. What is it, Captain? Oh, clap. I don't know if it's the full bottle of liquid

Dramamom Motion Sickness for Children that I just swallowed. Oh, God. I think I'm hallucinating this child in the corner. No, Dar, there's actually a child there. Hi. Whoa. Whoa, that's a kid.

Plus, Dar. Did you take the Dramamom, too? Though, be honest. No, Dar, this is children's Dramamom. You're 12 feet tall. There's almost no way you can overdose on this. Yes, Dara.

Oh, no, no. I'm very sensitive to any kind of dragon. Both of your hallucinations actually happen. Okay, but also there's a kid over there, so just, hey.

Yeah, sorry. Okay, we'll come back to this. Yeah. Bargy, who is this? Is this one of our stowaways that's always on here, or is this a new person? Yes. Okay. Hey, buddy.

How's it going? I'm Fleck Dex Center. We're the crew of the Bargerian Jade. Is everything okay? Are you lost? You're sounding a little condescending. I don't appreciate that. I realize I look like I'm seven.

Common mistake. Okay, yeah. Wow. I realize I look like I'm seven. Common mistake. Okay, yeah, wow. This guy doesn't sound seven, right? I am a 55-year-old man. I look like I'm seven. What? That can't be right. There's a long story. Don't want to get into it. Is there a bar anywhere on board? Uh,

there is, but young man, I don't think in good conscience we can serve you a drink. I'm 55. Just get me to a bar. We're good. And if you serve me milk without alcohol in it, I will lose my mind. Okay. All right.

The best I can offer you right now is this children's medication for motion sickness. It will chuck you up. Okay. Yeah. No, don't, don't. I wouldn't take that. Emotion sickness. It will... Juck you up. Okay, yeah. No, don't... I'll just take that. Yeah, okay. No, no, no!

Listen, sport. I'm sorry if I assumed anything about you, but we're actually sort of on our way to a big thing. Is there anything we can do for you? We could probably get some cartoons to play on the holoprojector for you. Oh, do you like ants on a log? You condescending

junk. I know why you're not listening to me, because I look like I'm seven, alright? And that's ageist against a young person and an old person, which is bizarre. Well, you know, in our defense, every planet revolves around its star at a different rate. You could be 55

but still be, what, you're in third, fourth grade probably? Hey, how many seven-year-olds have been married twice? You've been married twice? Yes. I don't know. Kids love to get married on the playground. Okay, all right. How many seven-year-olds have a tattoo of the first Bleazer album right on their chest?

Look at that. Wow. Bleazer? Yeah. It's the Orange album. Oh, the Orange album. Famously, they're one of their best. Oh, it's the best one.

It gets bad after the Orange one. Well, come on. The one right after Orange is pretty good. Joshington? Joshington's great. I like Joshington. Maybe I even like Joshington more than the orange.

Okay. C53, this is irrelevant a little bit. Listen, sir, I'm sorry. We got off on the wrong foot.

Let's try this again. I'm Plek. This is Dar, Nermit, Bargy, AJ, and C53. I appreciate the much nicer greeting. I'm sorry about the

use of the obscenity. I'm just very tired, and I just want to go home. Are any of you going to Oregon? I just want to go back to my home planet. That's it, and I'll leave you alone. I'd like a drink if possible. Oregon is the name of your home planet. Correct.

Yes. Oregon. Everybody says Oregon. It's Oregon, not Oregon. I've never. It's Oregon. I've never said it out loud before. I've only read it. It's Oregon. Okay, alright.

We're not headed there, but if you're tired, buddy, you can have a little nap. You can chug some of this good stuff. Both of you guys bat. No, no, no, no. Take a little sippy. Just a little sippy cup.

Don't do that. And also, it doesn't do what you think it does. Sorry, what is your name? My name is Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd? Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd. Close, yes, Paul Rudd.

Paul Rudd. Okay, Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd from Oregon. Oregon, yes. Okay. I reallyd. Okay. Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd from Oregon. Oregon. Yes. Okay. I really would like to get sloshed and forget, I don't know, the last 40 years. Whoa, someone is speaking my language.

Whoa, there we go. Finally. Okay. I don't know if I get it. Take your Barchi slosh machine full of top grade beverages. That's what I'm talking about. I didn't know he had that. Barchi, maybe do like a virgin granny, not an old salty grandma, because like, we don't

know, you know, just look at him. I believe you should get them started drinking young so they really understand the tolerance. Barch, that's not, I objectively have no idea. I started drinking at a very early age. Really? Okay. Oh, not a good idea. Because I wish I started drinking at a very early age. Really? Okay. Not a common regret. Hey, can I say something, too, real quick?

We're on our way to, like, save the galaxy, right? So does this really, like, matter? Do we need to really be worried about this? And now we're dealing with this kind of weirdo. Yeah, it does seem a little late in the game to have... This feels sort of like a one-off mission in some ways.

You'd think we'd be kind of past something like this in a way. Yeah, but, you know, it's good to get one last little mission in, right? How long have you been a stowaway on me? Bargy, you don't know the answer to that? I don't know. People come and go. I think Bargy was having some kind of surgery done and I got on the Quantaris.

Yeah, okay. That would check out. That's true. I was open for business then, so. Have any of you tried the space rocks and Quantaris? Wow. Y'all do rocks? No? No, rocks is pretty intense. Oh, you dust.

I think you call it dust here. Well, sure, but rocks is like super dust, you know? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't really mess with it. I just... Sure, sure. I feel like you were asking, kind of, if we had any.

Yeah. No, no, I was just... Once you found out we didn't do it, you kind of changed your tone to sort of a hypothetical. I was just asking whether... Well, if one... I just, just one, you know. You can't judge me. Who are you to

judge me? Uh, yeah. Is he doing like a schoolyard push? Yeah, stop pushing me, kid. Hold his head and he's swinging at me. Listen, Paul, we're sort of in the middle of a pretty intense mission right now, and, you know, if you want to stay on the ship and drink, that's sort of your

prerogative, I guess, but I'm not sure if we're going to have time to get to Oregon before we have to do our thing. What's your next stop? I'll get off at the next stop. What's your next stop? Well, we're trying to get to Muffalata Secundus. Yeah, which is a pretty dangerous planet.

Lots of lava. Yeah. So we can just throw you out the window if you want. No, we're not doing that. We've seen a lot of weird shit. But he's truly the most unsettling thing we've come across all the time. I know. How can someone so old look so young?

AJ, you're seven years old. Why is that an issue for you for someone who looks seven but is older? I'm just calling out. You look older, but you're seven. Look at him. Look at him in his little short pants stirring a cocktail. It's real weird. Well, Plek, don't you have biometrics in his new eye?

Just tell us how old he is. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's 55. 55. Okay. There you go. Thank you. Okay. All right. You're Okay. There you go. Thank you. Okay.

All right. You're welcome. Okay, fine. You know what? I'll tell you the story. I don't like telling the story. We weren't really. Yeah.

He got that one salty grandma in him, and now he's telling us the whole story. All right. Yeah. Is that always the way? He's tiny. Doesn't have a tolerance. I'm in Oregon with my family. I slip into a chasm, like a ravine.

Sure. See a spaceship, get into the ship. Alright, let's see where this goes. Next thing I know, I'm navigating all over the place, got no idea what's going on, but I'm having a fun time, right? He's just navigating? He's not piloting? What's he...

He's just navigating. The ship has a mind of its own, but I navigate. I'm a navigator. Nobody pilots, Bargy. Why is that so hard to believe? So we crash, and I feel like I'm stuck. So then I see another spaceship come in.

I get on the ship, right? That one crashes. I get off, and another one that ends up in some kind of war, I get off that one. Basically, this repeats for a good 48 years. What?

I am now 48 plus 7 is 55. And now I just want to go home and see my family, if any of them are still alive. I'm not asking for so much. He's telling this long story, but did he say the part about why he looks

7? No, that wasn't part of the story. Polarid, have you asked all of these ships to take you to Oregon? Do you not know how stowaways work, sir? I sneak on board. I hide in things. Sometimes I hollow out a machine or a bot and I put myself in it. What?

Oh, grim. There are billions of inhabited planets in the galaxy. You can't just hope that one of them is going to Oregon. You got a better idea? Is there some kind of public transport system from planet to planet? That infrastructure not in place. He has you there, Plek. It's actually pretty disappointing.

There's the MAX. He can take the MAX. Yes, the Municipal Astrogation Express. Yeah. I'm not taking the MAX. You can get back to working on the MAX. You're not going to take it? That's not how I want to go home. I want to go home on a spaceship. I'm

gone for 48 years. All of a sudden I just show up on the MAX? Are you kidding me? It does raise a lot of questions. Farrin, you gotta take what you can get a little bit. I feel like you're sort of approaching this the way a child would, you know? You want to fly a flashy spaceship back to

your home, but all of the ships you've gotten on have navigation systems. They could all find Oregon and take you to it. I sound like a seven-year-old? Let's see how that could happen. I missed some of my prime developmental years trying to get home. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, I guess I hadn't really considered that angle.

All right, I figured it out. What is it, AJ? Seven-year-old is actually an old man. We're dealing with timey-wimey shit here. AJ, how so? How do you mean? I mean, he's like, what do I mean? He's seven years old, but he's not.

He looks five years old. He's 55. Oh. This is a classic case of a Zachary Zippers disease. I don't think that's an actual disease, Dara. You know, I was once in a movie about that. Oh, yeah, no, Bargy was in that hollow. Zachary Zipper.

I started as a baby ship when I was an old man. I also don't think that's one of Bargy's best performances to be honest. Yeah, Bargy, that felt like... He became an old ship when I was a baby. That was sort of shameless award bait. Hey, Paul Rudd.

Yeah? Why are you like the way you are? Okay, AJ, that's not... Right, Paul Rudd. Yeah. Why are you like the way you are? Why are you 55? Right now? Because I had four of your salty marries or whatever they're called. There's no salty grandma. I don't know what your grandma's name is.

I have wet myself. It has nothing to do with what I look like. It's the fact I have been drinking. You know, Paul Rudd, if you needed to know where the bathroom was buddy you didn't need to hold it you could just ask us I'm surprised I'm saying this but maybe you should take this children's motion sickness stuff

that's a good point might keep you from throwing up if only there were a drop to give I am so sorry I've taken all of that. Oh, it's like dripping out of your goatee. It comes in that little, yeah, that little syringe. Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah. So should I go towards the fire planet or? Well, you're not going to get there. Yeah. You tried to go last time. Bargy, did you already compensate for the flight path change with the new wing and all that? Yeah. Wait, hold on. Bargy Asded makes a good point here.

So are we going to go kick some ass and save the galaxy or take this little space hobo back to his home planet? What are we doing? AJ. AJ. Oh, we can't say space hobo? No, we can't. It's kind of der home planet. What are we doing? AJ. AJ. Can we... Oh, we can't say space hobo? No, we can't. It's kind of derogatory. I think it was the little

that really put it over the edge. I mean, he is 55. He's solidly in hobo territory at this point. Yeah, he hollowed out a droid and hidden it. That's space hobo stuff, man. Right, I'm still not over that.

Yeah, Paul Rudd, I just feel like something about your story just isn't lining up. I mean, if you were a kid who was lost, you know, you could talk to any adult. Just let me think about this. Don't talk to strangers. Talk to an adult.

Inconsistency. What am I supposed to do? Can't talk to strangers. Especially strange older people. Yeah, fair point. Just out of curiosity, is Oregon an interstellar planet? Do you guys have space travel? No, I do not believe we do.

That's kind of the reason I got into the ship to begin with. I never see anything like it. And then when they talked about space, well, they didn't use the word space because at the time I was seven, they said, do you want to go sky high? And I said, I do want to go sky high. Wait, was the ship also seven? Well, the ship explained it to me in a way a seven

year old would have understood it. If you said, do you want to go into outer space? I wouldn't have understood what that meant. Respectfully, Paul Redd, I don't know what your society is like, but most seven year olds know. I understand what outer space is. Are you insulting me when I was seven? No, no, no, not at all.

C-53, can I talk to you for just a second? Yeah, of course. I think the reason why nobody's taking him back to Oregon is because it's protected by the primo directivo. Yeah, while Oregon could be considered modern in many ways, yeah, they have not figured out interstellar travel, so, I mean, we run a pretty big risk bringing Paul Rudd back there. could be considered modern in many ways. Yeah, they have not figured out interstellar travel, so, I mean, we run a pretty big risk bringing Paul Rudd back there.

I think I'm gonna throw up. Oh, no. They may have also just gotten tired of Paul Rudd and kicked him off the ship each time. Yeah, I could see this little guy leading anyone to crash. Yeah. I'm not an asshole. I'm just lonely and drunk.

Okay. Wow, someone's speaking my language. I like you, Bargy. I like you, Barge. Stop flipping the knobs, kid. Stop, no, stop flipping the switches. What does that one do? What does that one do?

What does that one do? Most of them dump gas. Almost all of them just dump gas. Which one gives me candy? Which one do I press to give me candy? It's this one. But you really shouldn't. You want us to respect you as an adult. Adults have sweet teeth. I have sweet teeth.

That's a good point. I do too. Wait, so is navigating just you hitting a bunch of buttons and shit? This explains why so many of them crashed. Look, I got into the ship. The ship is like, I'm questioning the ship's intentions, to be honest, because I get into the ship, the ship's like, do you want to navigate the ship? And I'm like, I don't know what that means.

I'm like, yeah, well, come on board and just put your hand in here. And apparently my hand had some kind of power. Next thing I know, we're flying. I have a feeling this ship used me to get off the planet. Was he abducted? Wow. Question, what was that ship's name? Sounds very familiar.

Robin? Wow. You know Robin? I know Robin. They say things, but it's only to use you. I've been there. Wait, are you the Bargy? I am the, but why?

Did they say something about me? What'd they say? What'd they say? He loved slash hated you. Describes a lot of Bargy's relationships. You know what? I'm going to call Robin right now. loved slash hated you. That describes a lot of Barj's relationships. I'm going to call Robin right now. Barj, I think Robin crashed. He died a long time

ago, Barj. I think Robin may be long dead. Oh no! The number you have dialed has crashed. Oh wow. Guys, listen, I know Paul Rudd's annoying. I know he lives on a primitive planet,

but if we can't save the least of us, how can we save the whole galaxy, right? Don't do that. I was just rinsing my mouth off from the crud that Bargy gave me. Yeah, but don't play with your drinks like that. Don't blow bubbles. What are you doing? Space hobo stuff. Okay. Alright.

It's pretty gross. It's blubbing that crap. Next thing we know we'll be making a soup out of shoes. Let's get him out of here. What? Space hobo stuff. They take space food so they... AJ, how do you know so much about space hobos? I don't want to talk about it.

Alright, listen. C53, do you know where Oregon is? Can we get there? Well, I know this is not going to be popular to hear, but it is on the way to Mephilaus Secundus. It really wouldn't slow us down very much

at all to drop him off. But we should really figure out why Bargy is navigating to the left pretty strongly before we make that trip. Hold on. Wait, you can't do that. Look at that. Hey, you can't. I don't know what I'm doing, but apparently we're moving in a direction on that map.

Hey, stop touching that. Oregon. Okay, but Plek, look, Margie's flight path is correcting itself. He's compensating for the second wing. Hey, let me clarify here. Those buttons do not control me, okay? They are suggestions, and he happens to make a good point.

But I am deciding this, okay? Margie, is that how your navigation system works? It's a series of suggestions? Just a bunch of suggestions and pitches, you know. Wow, these are all just spitballs, these buttons. Yeah, so your navigation system is a pitch meeting. Yeah. That explains why there's like 30 minutes before we go anywhere.

AJ, explains is a very strong word. Right, and we often never hear back from people. Anyway, it's gotten my other wing to stand up straight, therefore giving me the correct direction towards an location known as Argon. Okay, great. Whatever it takes, Barchi, thank you. So, Paul Red, I think the buttons do work. Hey, Barchi, can you play some Bleezer?

Yeah, I'll play some Justin Bleezer. My name is Justin. This is a great jam. Wait, what? I love this song. Yeah, it really got bad after a while But that first one, the orange one Oh man

Have you got a life For my big hash part It won't be so long Singing sweat to soul Put my dog in cat I don't care about that Looks like tons of fun Highland in the sun Where you gonna go So I think I have this figured out.

If we find a field nearby a populated area, but not too near, obviously, we could hover above the ground so as not to leave any trace of our landing, drop Paul Rudd there, and then get out of there before anybody's the wiser. I like that plan. Where is he? Where is Paul Rudd? A fine question.

And where has Paul Rudd been going to the bathroom? Let's all ask ourselves that. I'm sure we'll find out. Bargy, where is Paul Rudd? He's in Justin's room. Oh no. What? So wait. I'm sure we'll find out. Bargy, where is Paul Rudd? He's in Justin's room. Oh. Oh, no. What?

So, wait. Tell me, like, how is it that you, like, deal with so many different emotions, but, like, keep it still together? Uh, I do some space rocks from time to time. Have you had space rocks, kid? No. I think they call it dust here. No, I like to, like... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What do you got? Paul Rudd? But, hey, hey. What are you guys... Paul Rick... But like, maybe. What? Do not give Justin drugs. What are you doing? I'm old enough. Why? You're not old enough.

No one's old enough. How old are you, kid? I'm like maybe around 17, I think. It's been established. Oh, man, that's perfect for space rocks. Okay. Justin, don't let this old child lead you astray.

Yeah. No, stop. Why do you have another bag? Get out of there! He's a space hobo! Of course he could have space rocks! Okay. Now that is a stereotype about space hobos. Listen, I got good news, buddy. We made it. Alright.

We're here. We made it. All right. We're here. We made it to Oregon. I'm home? That's right. Oh, my God. I'm home. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, actually, here, just look out the window.

Tell us about where it is on the planet. Oh, it's on the other side. Oh, you got it wrong. He's so high. Paul, that's fine. It takes us, like, two seconds to get to the other side. Yeah, we can go to. He's so high. Paul, that's fine. It takes us like two seconds to get to the other side. Yeah, we can go to the other side of the planet.

Hey, no, don't touch that stuff, kid. What does that do? What does that do? Stop. No, you don't do it. No, don't hit. No. Bargy, pull up.

No. No. No. No. No, we're hitting everything. No. I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm spinning, I'm time. Let's go, Bedricks. Is everybody all right? Yeah, well, for the most part. Pallred, Pallred, are you okay?

I'm doing great. This is so cool. I'm home. Pallred? I'm going to get in so much trouble, though. What happened? Wait a second. Pallred, how old are you? I'm seven. Oh, no.

Yeah, that's what I just said. Oh, wait. No, don't give it back. Don't give those back. Yeah, do not. Listen. Oh, wait. No, don't give it back. Don't give those back. Yeah, do not. Also, don't give them back. Listen, Paul Rudd, you got to go home now, bud, okay? Everything's fine. You know, we just, we found you in this ravine, and we fixed up that clonk on your head, and we're going to send you back to your mom and dad, okay?

Okay, yeah. Sounds good. Yeah. We're all from Oregon. Yes. I think you mean Oregon. Yeah, good. Yeah. We're all from Oregon. Yes. I think you mean Oregon. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Wait. Wait, am I in trouble? No, no, no, no. No, no, that's fine. Just, you know, whatever you do, don't tell your parents about any of this. Right. But not in a creepy way.

Yeah, it's not creepy when you're sad. Paul Rudd, is that you? Run. Okay, let's get out of here. So long. Bye. See ya. Bye.

Bye. My darling, Paul Rudd. Mom, I'm here. It's me. Where have you been? We've been looking for... Do you smell like booze? Oh, no.

I was older when I drank it. What is that bag full of? How do I say it? You're in a bad situation. Paul, you are grounded. I'm over 55. Oh, boy. Oh, no.

That's not fair. Go, Yuckman, go. You know, I have to say, the mom doesn't look like a space hobo. So, let's get the hobo from his dad's side. What? Notice he's not here. Probably riding the rails or something like that. Wow.

AJ was really crossed by a hobo at some point. I guess my only question is, why did he get young again when we returned him to Oregon? I guess I understand why he looked seven, but... You do? Oh, weird. A timey-wimey thing didn't make sense. Shocker. I know exactly what happened. Oh. Good, Bargy. We need this explanation.

Now, everyone here watched the sequel to Zachary Zipper, right? Uh, yeah, I don't know if I saw that one. Oh,

yes, I said old eye hook. Yeah, I said old eye hook. Basically, end of the day, what we learned from this whole quadrilogy,

quadrilogy? Is that if you believe in yourself, anything is possible. No, That doesn't explain it. It sounds like Bargy's trying to say there's some sort of narrative satisfaction in the fact that, you know, we brought him back

and he returned to the age that he once was when he originally left his planet. But where's the literal satisfaction? Where's the scientific... There was a problem in the beginning. There was a want. And then they lost what they wanted. And then they had to kind of rebuild themselves to get what they wanted again. No, no, but what I'm asking is how science... There was a moment of lowness when they lost everything.

Uh-huh, yeah. And that's why they were like a seven-year-old who sounded like a 55-year-old. And then they meet you, and that's a positive thing, but also, in a way, honestly, a negative thing. It's the belly of the beast and meeting the goddess at the same time. Right. And then in the end, they found a happy ending and everyone had no questions. But, Barji, literally, why did he turn into a seven? Like, scientifically, how is that possible?

I don't know about that. Is this a bad time to mention I only have one wing again? Wait, what? Not a bad time at all. Bar have one wing again? Wait, what? Not a bad time at all. Barsi, you lost your wing? What happened? I don't know, Plank. Maybe it's because I crashed into a ravine. Okay, yeah. I don't know.

Wow, they did not put that wing on well. That snapped right off. Hold on, let me check social media. Yeah, people hate me again. No, no, already. This is SeaRite IT5. Credits and attributions join commencing outro protocol. Fleck Dexeter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Ali Kokesh.

Bajie the Ship and Paul Rudd's mom were played by Mujan Zulfagari Nirmat Vandaloy was played by Seth Lind E.J. was played by Winston Null Paul Rudd was played by special guest Hari Kondabolu Hari is a comedian and writer whose standout special Ward Your Relatives is available on Netflix Find him on Twitter and Instagram at Hari Kondabolu And featuring Cole Semien Grape as young Paul Rudd.

This episode was edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by Fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Original laser music by Shane O'Connell. Open-chrome narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design with Margerian Jade by Eric Gois.

Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maxon Fun Network. I'm John Moe. My show, Depresh Mode, is all about mental health. And this week, I talk with Amanda Knox. She spent four years in an Italian prison for a murder she didn't commit. That's a lot of trauma. And she's okay talking about it.

If I touch on something that you'd rather not get into, just say so, we'll cut the whole exchange out. But it also seems like you're pretty open about a lot of things. Yeah, yeah. I am having trouble imagining anything that you could talk to me about. I know, I know. What are we going to throw Amanda Knox with? Depressed Mode with John Moe, only on Maximum Fun.

For over a decade, MaxFunCon has been an incredible weekend of learning, connecting, and laughing with folks in the MaxFun community. And, if all goes according to plan, the last regularly scheduled MaxFunCon will take place in Lake Arrowhead from June 3rd to June 5th, 2022. We have a very limited number of tickets remaining. To make them available to the maximum number of people, we'll be opening our waitlist for tickets on January 23rd at 5pm Pacific. That'll be your chance to be first in line to purchase tickets, and we'll go down the waitlist until we're at capacity. More details at maxfuncon.com. And mark your calendars for Sunday, January 23rd at 5 p.m. Pacific. MaximumFund.org. Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Audience supported. So Paul Rudd, you're 55, but why do you still wear that Little League t-shirt? These are the clothes I had on when I left my home planet. Where do you expect me to find children's clothing? Literally any mall. Any children's store. With what currency?

Bargy, you got some kids' clothes in one of those closets? Wow. I don't think that was an accusation. Yeah, Bargy, I don't think there was anything mean-sp anything nearby yeah Bargy I don't think there was anything mean spirited about that you've got a lot of clothes that's what we were saying there's just a lot of them yeah but you know Paul Rudd you could have gotten a job

or you know why are you blaming the victim man alright I was kidnapped by a spaceship I mean that's true that's unfortunate Ple That's unfortunate. Plek, you gotta wonder about somebody who's willing to hire a seven-year-old, you know?

It's not a great look. And it's hard to ace an interview when you're seven. Oh, wait, I apologize. I do have children outfit. McRae LaCrosse's little son used to dress up as a sailor and dance around. Oh, this is not. So we keep having him wear an adorable sailor outfit.

This feels like a lateral movement. Yeah, Barge, I don't think we can do that. Paul Rudd, do you want to wear this sailor outfit? Still short pants. I would rather wear the tattered rags I've been wearing for 48 years. Not a great sign. No, the space hobo thing is just going to follow you around.