Mission To Zyxx - Fun, Maximized

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

It’s the MaxFunDrive! Alden is here to tell you all the crazy stuff we’re doing for our 5th and final season - stuff YOU can help us do by joining Maximum Fun.Then we present an episode of another great MaxFun show, Dead Pilots Society, featuring our own Moujan Zolfaghari plus a bunch of hilarious people including Maria Bamford (and they’re dropping a Zyxx episode this week too!).JOIN UP: maximumfun.org/join

Hey everyone, Alden Ford here with the whole crew from Mission to Zix. Hello! Hello! Hi there! Happy Max Fun Drive! We just wanted to thank every single one of our supporters, past and present, for making this show possible, as well as give a hearty and grateful welcome to the new folks we've seen joining in the last couple days.

The community of listeners that has found us and each other in the last four years is one of our proudest accomplishments. So, welcome and thank you again. As you know, we just premiered our fifth season last week, and as you might have heard in our trailer, this will be Mission to Zyx's final season. We're excited to wrap up our big dumb story with an epic climax, tie up a bunch of insane loose ends that we currently have no idea how to tie up, and to do what so few sci-fi series seem to do anymore, tell a satisfying story that ends. I say that as though I have no emotional or creative reservations and will definitely not choke up a lot at my desk as we record and edit this final season. So, anyway, this is our third MaxFun drive. The last two drives, our pitch to you has always been, hey, we can't keep making the show without

your support. And this time, even though the finish line is actually in sight, that's actually still true. We've only just started this season, which means that we'll be releasing new episodes into early 2022. And those episodes haven't been made yet, so we do, in fact, need your support in order to make them. Your support will go directly towards the production of the show for the next nine or ten months, at which point you can move that monthly support to any number of other great MaxFun shows and close out your year. The second reason is that we are really aiming even higher on production value this season, to really take the show out with a time-space-rending bang. We've always hoped that you can hear every dollar we spend on the show

coming right back into your ears. And this year, we're trying to push it even further, especially since we don't need to leave anything in the tank when it's all over. So we've written and recorded more episode-specific crawl music, more transitions, and more opening crawl narration than ever before, with a 66-piece orchestra, this time up from 52, no big deal, which has been a total blast. Here's a quick clip of this season's recording session, featuring our intrepid composer Brendan

Ryan and the famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. You'll hear Brendan talking to the conductor, and we'll fade from that to the final mixed version of the piece. I think at A, we could bring that all, pretty much everyone down to mezzo-forte

there. Okay, now a mezzo-forte sita? Yeah, and have it sort of slowly build up to a forte, I guess. 20, probably. Yeah, Tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to tako, da je to Thank you. ¶¶ Music is such a central part of our show. And working with Brendan, our sound designer Shane, and Fames is such a bucket list honor for me, personally. So as Season 5 progresses, if it's financially feasible, we hope to write and record even more orchestral cues and scoring so we can have all new music in the back half of the season. plugins and effects for Shane, and better recording gear for our crew, including a portable

recording setup Shane has curated to send to our guests to make their remote recordings pristine. And finally, for the first time ever, we've hired a booker on the show to secure some killer new guests who we wouldn't have access to otherwise. We have some really rad guests coming up that we cannot wait for you to hear. And as we close out the show and try to make Mission to Zix a body of work we can stand by and share with people for years to come, we're also investing some money into making the show more accessible. We've commissioned full transcripts of every episode of the show,

which will be available on the MaxFun site. These are fully notated transcripts by real humans with blocking and performance notes, and season one is available right now with the rest to come throughout the year. All of this is to say, there's still a lot to do this season, and we're excited about all the ways we can keep pushing the show in new directions. But we still need your help to do that. Which brings me to the third reason for you to consider supporting the show in its home stretch. And that's you, and your relationship with the show.

If you've ever felt like Mission to Zix was special to you personally, but you haven't been in a position to donate before, well, now is a great time because it's your last shot. All of our incredible supporters have collectively made it possible for you and the rest of the world to enjoy Mission to Zix for free so far. And now is your chance to be a part of the show too. If you're still not in a position to support Mission to Zix, that's okay.

We love making a show that anyone and everyone can experience if they want to. And that goes for you too. But there is something satisfying about being able to say that you supported something that was meaningful to you, even though you didn't have to. And we promise we will do everything we can to give that support right back to you with a final season that is ambitious and epic and thoughtful and insane. We can't wait for you to hear it. So, go to MaximumFun.org slash join and become a part of this show and a member of a truly

wonderful network of creators at Maximum Fun. You can choose any level of support that's right for you from $5 a month all the way up to $200 per month. And yes, of course, there are rad thank you gifts for supporting at every level from hours and hours and hours of bonus content from Mission to Zix, and hundreds of hours of content across the Maximum Fun Network at the $5 level, including our latest piece of bonus content, which I'm very excited about, a full episode-length sleep tape featuring a supremely chill peek at the crew just taking it easy on the ship, each in a way true to their stupid slash adorable personalities. Full disclosure, as someone who is not into sleep tapes or ASMR

or anything, I had no idea how this one would turn out. But honestly, it is fun. It's funny, and it's truly relaxing. So anyway anyway if you support at the ten dollar level you get to choose a brand new enamel pin from your favorite max fun show could be ours could be another one probably is ours could be ours including our pin which is a frankly staggeringly beautiful tribute to everyone's favorite six character, Jeremiah Frankenfurter. Remember my rich backstory! Fear not, Jeremiah. We will never forget it or have known it in the first place.

And at $20 a month and up, the list of amazing thank you gifts just goes on and on. Check out all of the rewards and become a part of this show at MaximumFun.org slash join. So, with all of that said, we wanted to do something a little bit different this week and highlight another show we really love on the Maximum Fun Network. So, I will let Mujan and Seth take it away from here. Happy Max Fund Drive, everybody. And thank you again. We're officially in a new segment. Exciting.

Hey, it's Seth. And Mujan. Hi, Seth, in new segment. How you doing? Oh, not too bad. It seems like a pretty good segment so far. Yeah. And we're actually not here alone.

With us is Ben Blacker. Oh, hi. Thank you for joining us. And the reason Ben is here is that we are presenting an episode of the wonderful podcast Dead Pilot Society. Ben is one of the creators. Mujan, you're actually in this episode, right? I am in this episode.

I play, like I do on Zix, a variety of different characters, which is always a joy to play. But Ben, could you tell us a little bit more about your show to get our audience hyped up? I can. Dead Pilot Society features table reads of scripts that were bought and developed, but never produced. So very often it is the writer's first time hearing their pilot out loud. It's always a fun time. And we've brought for you this episode, yes, that Mujan was in that we recorded called Primates by actor and writer Tessa Coates, who has an English accent. A real one too, not whatever.

And who else is in this pilot along with Mujan? This was a killer cast. Tessa plays the lead. She wrote it for herself, but we also have Maria Bamford playing this sort of like Jane Goodall character. Tessa plays the lead. She wrote it for herself, but we also have Maria Bamford playing this sort of like Jane Goodall character. And she's so funny. So good. Yeah. Lali Adefope, Joel Kim Booster,

Nick Muhammad from Ted Lasso, who I was so thrilled to work with in this. He's great. John Rudnitsky, Hal Lublin, and Mark Aguilera of other MaxFun podcasts. We keep it all in the family. It's a really fun episode. And Mujan, you killed it in this.

Thank you so much. I was reading it the night before and it said, has French accent. And I went on YouTube and looked at so many videos. You played a variety of roles. It was hilarious. It was super fun. And yeah, just doing it with Maria Bamford.

I mean, come on. That's incredible. Well, we at Zix are fans of Dead Pilot Society, and they're being kind enough to drop a Zix episode this week to share with their audience. So this is some Max Fun cross-pollination love, if that's not a dirty thing to say. Nope. Oh, Jesse Thorne is here. We gotta go.

Oh, Jesse. Oh, no, sorry. Sorry. That was one of the words. It's on the list of words. It's on the list of words. It's on the list of words. Uh-oh. Keep our shows, please. Thank you all so much for letting us do this. We appreciate it.

And we'll see you next week with another Mission to Zix. In the meantime, enjoy the pilot. Enjoy. You know the thing And no one picked up your thing And so you buried the thing That's not broken of the thing Don't you let jive Yet there's a spooky surprise

And the proof cannot be advised And nothing ever really dies You get what I'm saying Welcome to Dead Pilot Society, the show that takes comedy pilots from A-list writers that were sold and developed at networks but never produced and gives them the table reads they never got a chance to have. I'm Andrew Reich, the creator and host of Dead Pilot Society. So we are a year in now from the point where we had to stop doing these table reads live in front of an audience. You know, I can remember a year ago agonizing with Ben and Noah about what to do about our upcoming show at the Hollywood Improv. do about our upcoming show at the Hollywood Improv. Do we postpone? Do we cancel? Until

it became very clear that we were at the point of cancel everything. So it's now been a year of doing these Zoom reads and I do think we've gotten better at it. I think this month could be our best sounding remote read yet. So thank you all for coming

along with us on this journey and I do feel like we are getting closer to the point where we can once again have an audience full of happy, laughing people. We'll get there. And I cannot wait for that day. You know, as I am reflecting back on this year since lockdown began, I can also say I haven't been hugely productive during this pandemic. lockdown began. I can also say I haven't been hugely productive during this pandemic. I can say that I resent everyone who has been. But I did just finish, I did just write Fade Out on the first complete script that I've written during this time. And it feels good. And I did it just like the good book says to do it. The good book book being of course, bird by bird by Anne Lamott. Um, I set myself the very achievable goal of two pages a day. And you know, after not that many weeks,

uh, there's a draft, terrible, a terrible, embarrassing draft, of course, but at least the hard part's over. And then once you get that terrible draft down, big things become possible. you get that terrible draft down big things become possible um anyway on to our pilot we are sticking with the british female writer theme that we began last month speaking of last month's episode how cool that last month's writer emerald finnell and her movie promising young woman got five oscar nominations emerald nominated best director, best screenplay, best feature, all of that. And she had her pilot read for Dead Pilots Society

in the same year. It's unbelievable. This month, we have another absolutely brilliant British woman, Tessa Coates, and her pilot, Primates. This is one we were chasing for a while. As you'll hear in my interview

with Tessa next week. Don't forget our new format. It's coming next week. This show was originally written for ABC, who passed, at which point we tried to get it for Dead Pilot Society. But happily for Tessa, it was picked up by Quibi. And then you probably know what happened to Quibi. So this pilot has had a wild ride. But I'm glad it can finally be heard because it's just so much fun.

And Tessa is a huge talent, a huge multi-talent. She's also an actor and she plays the lead named Tessa. I'm also so excited. We finally got my friend Maria Bamford for one of these reads. Maria Bamford plays the professor, Lolly out of Fafope as Kat. Joel Kim Booster as Anthony.

Nick Muhammad as Dean Gaffney. Has everyone watched Ted Lasso? So good. Nick is so good in it, too. John Rudnitsky as Jamie. And then we have a few other Maximum Fun podcast hosts as our very versatile utility players. Mujan Zolfagari from Mission to Six playing a whole bunch of roles. And then from We Got This with Mark and Hal, we have both Mark and Hal.

We've got Hal Lublin and Mark Gagliardi reading many parts, including the two talking mice. Hey, if you want to see this incredible cast instead of just hearing them, become a MaxFun member for as little as $5 a month. You get access to the video and

all of our bonus content from past years, which includes all the video from all of these Zoom Reads we've been doing all year long. So go to MaximumFun.org slash join for that. But for now, please enjoy Primates. This is Primates written by Tessa Coates. We're exterior, a deserted prehistoric coastline.

The thing about humans is no one has any idea how we got here. 400 million years ago, the very first bug crawled out of the ocean. The very first bug crawls out of the water. Yeah, all right. Now we're in the jungle. Then about 4 million years ago, we started walking on two legs. A chimpanzee-like person moves from all fours to suddenly standing on two legs. Yeah, all right. Several chimpanzee-like person moves from all fours to suddenly standing on two legs. Yeah.

All right. Several chimpanzee-like people copy him. Embarrassed, a female hisses to her partner who's still on all fours. Sit up, Jeremy. Everyone's doing it. Now we're in a cave. 40,000 years ago, we started making art. Pretentious caveman completes a handprint on a cave wall.

Yeah. All right. Now over a rapid montage of human progression. A hundred years ago, we flew the first plane. We're close up on the Wright brothers flying and screaming. Yeah, all right. And 50 years ago, we walked on the moon. Footage of Buzz Aldrin stepping down onto the moon.

Yeah, all right. 30 years ago, we invented the internet. Footage of Bill Gates, et cetera. dancing at the Windows 95 launch. Steve Ballmer punches the air. Yeah, all right! 20 years ago, we learned to extract dinosaur DNA from fossilized mosquitoes and built Jurassic Park. And then immediately after that, I decided I wanted to be a scientist. We're in a garden. It's the 90s.

Six-year-old Tessa is dressed as paleobotanist Dr. Ellie Sadler, Laura Dern, from Jurassic Park. She has a whole wagon of stuffed toys and is investigating a large footprint. Apex predator, five toes, two legs, must have been a hundred foot tall. She kicks the side of her wagon and her little beaker of water shakes. She looks at it in horror. They're coming. She climbs a tree with all her animals on a rope, pressing the down button on the garage door, and then scaling her self-made obstacle course before rolling under just in time. She puts her hand under for her hat. I wanted to know how everything worked.

Why do we stand on two legs? Why do we tell stories? Why do we love? She puts her hat on proudly, and this spins around into modern-day Tessa in her graduation cap, smiling for her photo. So I graduated in primatology. We're at a small party. And when you study graduation cap, smiling for her photo. So I graduated in primatology. We're at a small party. And when you study primates, you see them everywhere.

Girl is sexy dancing on a boy who isn't really into it. Suddenly she becomes a baboon doing a sexy presentation dance. The pattern of her dress becomes her brightly colored baboon bottom. Two boys try to one up each other by showing each other their watches. They become two proboscis monkeys proudly showing each other their penises. I was doing my PhD in human biology and I was really getting somewhere. We see books mounting up on a mantelpiece. And then I fell in love. Textbooks are pushed off in favor of a framed picture of George,

beaming and looking to the side. And I gave it all up to be with him. And then he fell in love with Sandrine from Barcelona. A framed picture of Sandrine is added, looking at George. We go into the photo and return to the party. We see George is standing beside Sandrine. She speaks eight languages and wears trousers that zip off into shorts. George and Sandrine stand together, wearing matching sensible fleeces, outdoor wear, so in love.

So the Yugoslani language actually has no verbs and it's spoken entirely from the stomach. Gosh. Tessa looks around the room at people in happy couples. So there I was suddenly 20 with no idea what I was doing in my life. And everywhere I looked, it felt like everyone was finding that person. Increasingly absurd Instagram style engagement photos at sunset up a mountain with a, physically tying a knot. Will you moo-ree me? Written on a cow. The party dissolves until everyone is a caveman, in safe pairs, and the party becomes a dark forest, with Tessa standing all alone. Scary eyes look out from the

darkness. And then I had a teeny tiny meltdown, announced that I was leaving the country, applied for my dream job, and that's how I got here. And we reveal that a teeny tiny meltdown, announced that I was leaving the country, applied for my dream job, and that's how I got here. And we reveal that we're on an airplane. And Tessa has been delivering all this to a totally uninterested businessman beside her. Unless you're asking specifically how I got here, and the answer is from Heathrow,

but via Iceland, because it was £100 cheaper and I got this fun key ring. She shows him her new Iceland key ring. Tessa is wearing a brand new Harvard sweater. She looks over and the businessman has gone to sleep. The flight attendant leans over with pretzels. Oh, two more, please.

And a gin and tonic and a white wine for my husband. And we go into the main titles. Primates. We're in an Uber. Tessa sits in the backseat chatting to her Uber driver, John. Yes, John, that is exactly it. Five stars. London is full of terrible men.

Like if you went in and chose a man at random, and then that old knight with the beard from the end of Indiana Jones came in, he'd be like, you have chosen poorly. You know, like bad boys, like boys that say they're Hufflepuff, but they're actually Slytherin. Or my personal kryptonite, bad Ravenclaw, like good looking, clever boys. I mean, once I kissed a boy because he could name a lot of Pokemon. I mean, they're all completely awful. I mean, after George, then we see another passenger and we reveal that she's in an Uber pool. Which one was George? The one who left her for Sandrine. Thank you, John. We reveal another Uber passenger. Oh yeah, thank you, John. And then we reveal a third passenger. Which one

was Sandrine? The one with the trousers that zip off into shorts. Oh, yeah. And then I had this mad thing with the director. We never go out with a director. Once we did sexy role play and I was a sexy nurse and it lasted two hours. There was no sex. And then afterwards there was notes. We go to a flashback. A boy in a black turtleneck paces in a bedroom giving notes.

Tessa sits listening in an authentic turn of the century nurse's outfit. I didn't feel that vulnerability in her medical training. I wanted to see that journey, and I wasn't there. We go back to the Uber. Anyway, the point is, no more boys. No falling in love again like an idiot. I don't know what we have to lean into yet because I haven't read the book,

but I will be leaning in. I'm a powerful, independent scientist who teaches at Harvard. In your face, Sandrine. The Uber comes to a stop. Oh my God, we're here. Lean in. Have a at Harvard. In your face, Sandrine. The Uber comes to a stop. Oh my God, we're here. Lean in. Have a great day. Oh my God, thank you. I will have a great day.

Thank you. I love America. Tessa waves the car off with her Harvard prospectus. This is it. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. Harvard. We see beautiful Harvard in close-up on the prospectus. Move! A furious girl on a bicycle speeds past, almost knocking Tessa over. The prospectus is lowered to reveal Harvard Square College,

a depressingly run-down, dismal building. Tessa looks around. This can't be right. We're in a fun but run-down university office. It's got Gryffindor common room energy. Tessa sits across from the professor. She's in her 50s, a genius, wearing two cardigans. And Anthony, immaculately dressed.

Two white mice in a cage. Watch on. I do feel like I should address the elephant in the room. Did you? And there's no judgment here. I think this was Harvard. Tessa nods. The professor and Anthony sigh.

The mice roll their eyes. I guess when I saw the job advertised, I just thought Harvard. Andessa nods. The professor and Anthony sigh. The mice roll their eyes. I guess when I saw the job advertised, I just thought Harvard, and I got so excited I stopped reading. So we're Harvard Square College? You see how you had to keep reading past the first word? Do a lot of people make that mistake? No. The mice shake their heads.

Well, we're here now. My name is Anthony. I'm administration for the human science department. He gestures to the two mice who give elaborate gentlemanly bows. The mice can talk, but humans can't hear them. That's Schrodinger. That's Freud. The lab shut down and we're supposed to dispose of them, so technically we're harboring fugitives. This is Professor O'Neill, and that's the department.

What, just the two of you? Well, three now. The three musketeers. The three stooges. Destiny's Child. Hanson. The witches. The maid. The mother. And the other one.

Am I the maid? Am I the mother? We're thrilled to have you. Obviously, you need to process the fact that you've come somewhere quite different. But sometimes in life... Sometimes you end up exactly where you need to be. The one chooses the wizard. Sure. Maybe I'm the wizard. Sure.

Maybe I'm the hero Gotham needs. Why not? There's nothing Harvard has that we don't have right here. She passionately bangs her desk. A piece drops off. Hmm. Listen, I've been to the crap Harvard, and between you and me, two out of ten, right? Would not recommend.

I'd never go back for personal and legal reasons plus in a skirmish i stole an ancient han dynasty ivory sex tool whoops she looks at a very large carved ivory phallus i think it might be cursed why don't we explain the course structure yes what a treat you'll have three seminars a week. We break up the year into evolutionary psychology, genetics, and primate behavior. We're supposed to grade the students a bit, but I just sort of assign them a color or something. I don't know if you're familiar with my work.

Of course, I mean, you're a pioneer. You wrote the seminal text on non-human primate linguistics. We see a very 70s photo of a beaming Professor O'Neill. Huge glass, big hair. Professor O'Neill. Huge glass, big hair. Professor O'Neill taught a gorilla sign language. We see archived dated footage of Dora the gorilla signing. Unfortunately, the gorilla turned out to be quite hard work. How are you, Dora?

Dora signs. The subtitles read, feed me hairless pig. Also, she was racist. And we cut back to the professor's office the professor gestures to the books these are the curriculum textbooks this year though i did sneak in my most recent work of dancing and ape culture orangotango right um well and my essay on female sexual selection a womb with a view i i'm sure you'll want to get settled in. Your first class is on Monday and there's a faculty party tonight, which

will really help you find your beat. And you'll want to meet your roommate. Well, I don't get my own room. God, no. It's not Harvard. Sorry. All the junior staff have to share. Anthony places all the books in her lap. Marvelous. We see the room from the Mises

POV. They speak. How long do you reckon? Should only be the last of me. And we go to a corridor. Tessa is dragging her many bags along, looking for her room. Okay, this is fine. This is fine.

I just won't tell anyone that this isn't Harvard. And actually, it's nice to have a roommate. And whoever they are, I'm going to make great friends with them. And crucially, this is fine. In the apartment, everything is bunched up as though someone recently had the whole room and is now forced to share.

Duct tape neatly down the middle, separating one tidy side from the other barren side. Oh, good. Well, this is healthy. Tessa observes the various areas of the room, Sherlock style. The nest of a solitary territorial female. Books of early 19th century women's history. History teacher. A live, 19th century women's history. History teacher.

A live, laugh, learn sign. Single. A hand-drawn five-year plan, time chart, and vision board. Very single. Tessa touches a pen turntable with many colored pens, all in rainbow order. It's very pleasing to touch, and she spins it. Don't touch that. Tessa leaps in the air and pens go everywhere.

Kat, 28, first in her family to go to university, has fought for everything she has. Huge chip on her otherwise very cool shoulders stands in the doorway. Sorry, sorry. I was... Hi. Hi. I'm your new roommate. Hi.

Hi. Just leave them. You're putting them back in wrong. I just don't like it when people touch my stuff. Got it. Which side is mine? Joke. That was that was a joke. Actually, we met earlier, I think you must have not seen me, but you nearly mowed me down with your bicycle. So are you Catherine? It's Kat. I'm Tessa. Just Tessa. They named me after Tessa Sanderson. She won

Olympic gold in the javelin. Silver went to Fatima Whipbread. So, you know, well done, Tessa. Okay. Though, I mean, if they had called me Fatima, then, you know, then I'd be fat and you could be Kat and we could call each other Kat and Fat and we'd be, you know, Kat and Fat in a flat. I mean, it's not a flat. It's an apartment. It's sort of a room thing. Okay. I'm going to go. She collects her books and backs out of the room. We're in the corridor. Oh my God, this is a disaster. Okay, I am a powerful, independent woman

leaning in and taking control. I don't need anybody. I'm a one in a world built for two. She walks through a door and crashes straight into Jamie, 28. The most radiant smile you've ever seen. Breathtakingly good looking. Almost eclipsing the fact that he's wearing loafers with no socks.

Hi. Oh my God. He cracks another incredible smile. Hi. Hi. An Instagram photo from Jamie's account flashes in front of her. It's them together at sunset. She has an engagement ring.

The caption says, my best friend said yes. That's funny. Sorry? He points at the Harvard sweater she's still wearing. Oh, yes, yes. It is a joke. Yes. I'm Jamie.

I'm Tessa. I teach men's studies in international film literature. A red flag pops up on his shoulder. Without taking her eyes off of his, she just pushes it away. I'm new. I teach human evolutionary biology. Oh, cool. Yeah, they get a new teacher in that department like every year.

Oh, very defense against the dark arts. What? Another red flag. She pushes that away too, still entranced. Nothing. Nothing. Hey, I gotta run, but are you going to the faculty drinks tonight? It'd be really cool to see you there.

I am a strong, independent woman who does not need any... Yes, please. Yes. Okay, cool. See you there. He touches her arm as he leaves. Tessa hugs herself. Harvard Square College. She spins around. It's a Disney princess moment.

In Kat and Tessa's room sometime later, Kat is watching Tessa unpack. Tessa is clearly so messy and unorganized, and it is driving Kat wild. What the hell is this? She holds up a small rock. Oh, that's a nice stone I found on the way here. Jesus Christ. Anthony enters without knocking, carrying a large crystal and some sage, which is gently smoking.

Anthony, stop coming in here without knocking. Why? You're never doing anything exciting. Okay, so, at enormous personal cost, I have brought some emergency supplies. My best crystal and some sage to cleanse this combative Virgo, Taurus, Kate Middleton, Meghan Markle energy. Okay, it's not sage, it's parsley, but do you have any idea how expensive sage is? I've also brought you my copy of Marie Kondo so you can let go of anything that doesn't spark joy. Thank you. Right.

Now that our aura is cleansed and we're ready to move forward together into the new moon, I've come to ferry everyone to Tatler's top 100 greatest social events in the world, the faculty welcome drinks. Okay, let's go. Now? Oh, okay. Let me just brush my hair. Just hang on.

The bar is only free for the first seven minutes. In the last year, they provided exactly one pizza, so let's go. Let's go. Okay, okay. I'm ready. I'm ready. Anthony ferries them out the door. At the welcome drinks, Anthony, Kat, and Tessa stand together with their drinks. The room appears to be otherwise entirely male. Wow.

There are so many men. We blink, and they all become proboscis monkeys, legs akimbo, showing off their bright red penises. We blink and we're back. The professor's at the buffet loading biscuits into her dress pockets. She waves and carries on. The two

mice are by the punch bowl drinking from thimbles. They wave too. There's a clinking of glass and the hubbub dies down. The dean takes the small raised stage. Okay, okay. Welcome back everyone for another wonderful academic year at Harvard Square College where our motto is, well, you're here now. I'm Dean Richard Gaffney for those who don't know me. Wonderful to see returning staff and new fresh faces. We don't have to be mad to work here. And it'd be good

if you weren't. We don't have resources for any kind of mental health program, so hang in there. Lots going on this year, though. A lot going on. Going online, we just got Twitter. Is that right? Twitter?

If anyone would like, there'll be printed hard copies of Twitter in my office. I'm very excited for our theater production this year. As you know, some budget cuts, of course. Due to costume restrictions, we'll be staging Joseph and his amazing coat.

Hotly anticipated follow-up to Last Summer's One Bride for One Brother. Tessa gets a message. She reads it, smiles, and scans the room. She sees Jamie. He winks. Anthony looks at her. What are you doing? What is this? Who are you?

Oh, of course. That must be some kind of record. What? Who? Jamie Barnett. Oh, God. Don't do it. What? Who? Jamie Barnett. Oh, God. Don't do it. What? I would never. Who?

HSC's Troy Bolton over there. He's a real piece of work. Okay, I won't. I won't. There is a really high chance I will. I'm telling you right now, he'll be like, I'm broken. I can fix him. And then you'll be like, I can fix him.

Got it. Yeah. Is it like he says he's Hufflepuff, but he's actually Slytherin? It's more like he just says he's Slytherin and then he's actually Voldemort. Right. Right. So maybe just avoid that corridor and think of it as less of a flood and more of a water feature. What else?

What else? Oh, yes. Yeah. So this year we'll also be reinstating the Rosalind Franklin Award. Kat suddenly looks up. Which I'll be giving details about in a few moments after we have a performance from the college's prestigious competitive tap group, Turn on the Tap. Oh, this is the highlight of my year. Kat thinks for a second and then leans into Tessa.

Jamie's super cool. You should totally go for it. Really? But... Ignore Anthony. He's just jealous. Live your life. He's totally into you. I think you'd be really good for each other. Wow. Okay, if you think so. I mean, he keeps smiling at me and he has the most outrageous arms I've ever seen. Just message him now and say

that you want to hook up. Oh, God. Gosh, absolutely not. Give me that. Kat grabs her phone, sends a DM. It pops up on screen. Want to get out of here? Jamie's response pops up. A hundred percent.

Kat replies, meet me outside in five. Jamie gives a sexy wink and slips seamlessly out the door behind him. Thank you. No problem. Okay, I will go and see him for an hour maximum. Play it

cool and then I will 100% be back. Wait, what? No, you need to hear about the award. Go, go, get out of here. Okay, wish me luck. Good luck. What? No, wait. They high-five and Tessa disappears. The dean returns to the stage. Okay, thank you, thank you

for turning on the tap and good luck at the regionals. Hopefully next term we can afford to, you know, for you all to have a pair of the tap shoes. Now, some details on the Rosamund Franklin Award for Women in Academics. The research grant is open again this year to any eligible female grad students. Please come and speak to me directly so I can add you for the award. Submissions will close tomorrow at 12, and it does have to be in person. Okay, what's next? Anthony side-eyes Kat. What? She won't care about a stupid award, and now there's one less person.

Spoken like a true member of the sisterhood. There is space for two of you, you know. You don't have to pull up the ladder, Kat. I will pull up the ladder, and I will set fire to the treehouse. Look at her. She's all spontaneous fun. I left a wall free for her wall planner and she doesn't even have one. As Beyonce famously said, blowing out her candle doesn't make your candle glow any brighter. Yes, it does. There used to be two candles and now there's just one candle. Also, shut up, Beyonce. She blew out Kelly and Michelle's candle immediately, and then she ate Michelle's candle. Anyway, you heard her. She'll be back in an hour.

Will she? Kat tries to brush it off, but she's doubting what she's done. The professor pops up, excitedly carrying four red cups. What a do! Here, I brewed this myself. The cups are sizzling, it's so strong. They hold them at arm's length. She looks around.

There's one cup too many. Where's Princess Anne? If you mean Tessa, then she left. What? She went with Jamie Barnett. Oh, well, who wouldn't? I would have done exactly the same thing. Fine specimen of an alpha male.

I know what Dora would say about him. Archived footage of Dora the gorilla signing. Subtitles read, I hate the Dutch. Back to scene. Dora, isn't that the most fascinating primate instinct?

To want to mate with someone who's so clearly trash. Why do we do it? Is it perhaps... Did she at least hear about the award? Yes. No. No. But I'll tell her. She's my roommate.

Anthony looks at her. I will. No. We're marvelous. We really need her to stay. We've lost seven grad students in human science the last two years. Like the wives of Henry VIII.

Deported, beheaded, fired, quit, quit, quit, quit. I always speak to the dean myself, but we're having a small altercation about me making students wrestle. Oh, here he comes. She flees. Kat puts her drink down. Okay, I'm off to find her

so you can all get off my case. We go to Kat and Tessa's room. Kat lets herself in. Hello? Tessa's not there. The room is exactly as it was. Good. Good. On the campus grounds, Jamie and Tessa walk along in the moonlight. It's alarmingly romantic.

So yeah, I was like in and out of surgery for a year, but yeah, otherwise I could have gotten pro. Wow. Yeah. When the surgeon told me he was, he was crying. he was like, it's such a waste of talent. And I took his hand and I said, it's not your fault. And it gave me this whole new outlook on life. Just live every day, love with everything I have. You never know what might happen. So I came up with my own mantra. Do you mind if I share it with you? Yeah, of course cool yeah so it's uh live laugh love listen and love yeah i said uh love twice because you know it's most important yeah now i can see you're amazing to talk to. Has anyone ever told you that? Yeah, it's awesome finding someone to talk to and just crazy pretty.

I love how you dress. You just don't care what people think. Right. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, leans closer. Tessa holds her breath. Jamie looks up at the stars for a moment, smiles as though listening out for something.

Tuning fork upon a star. And he kisses her. It's outrageously romantic. We go up to the night sky, fireworks. We're in Jamie's bedroom the morning after. Tessa wakes up in Jamie's bed. She does a quick reconnaissance and tries to make herself look presentable

in case Jamie wakes up. He doesn't. She stares at the ceiling. I've got so much to do today. I should see if I can join a competitive a cappella group. No, no. I need to prepare for my first seminar. Independent woman, serious academic, leaning in.

Okay, come on. Be the cool girl. Get out of here. Okay, ready? One, two, three. She doesn't move. She stares idly at the room's only decor, a large framed black and white photograph of a French actress from the 50s. Eventually, the photograph turns to look at her.

It's about like nothing and everything. Nobody gets in and no one understands except him. He'll never love you, you know. I never ask any things of him. Never demand he deal with any of his emotional baggage. Let him project all his unresolved issues onto me. Agree with him that he's misunderstood and deeply complex. I exist entirely in his mind. And I am the perfect woman.

How old are you? 22. No, in his mind. I am the perfect woman. How old are you? 22. No, in real life. Oh, and dead. I'm so dead. Yeah, I've been dead for years. You need to leave. Yes, thank you.

Come on, have some self-respect. I always leave it on, leaving only memories in the trace of Chanel No. 5. And then I buy a baguette, maybe an onion, cut my own bob, steal a Vespa, but in a quirky way. What if he wants to spend the day together? Uh, yeah, he won't. What if he wants to take me for brunch? There won't be a brunch. You have to get out.

Jamie stirs in his sleep. Too late. Jamie rolls over and looks at Tessa. For a moment, we think he might be about to say something nice. Hey. Hey. Are you hungry? Yes, in your face, Juliet.

We're going to brunch. Um, yeah, like, I guess I could eat. Cool, cool. Yeah, there's some breakfast stuff in the kitchen. You're welcome to anything you can find on your way out. He rolls back over. Horrified, Tessa stares at the ceiling. On the campus grounds in the cold light of day, Tessa walks along dejected. That's a nice stone. She stops to pick it up. It's a heart shape.

A sign. Hey. Tessa spins around. Jamie is running to catch up with her. In Tessa's imagination, he romantically runs up to her. Everything is more sepia-toned. His hair flows in slow-mo. You're amazing. I've never met anyone like you. Let me marry you and take you to brunch. And we cut back to reality. Jamie comes up to her at a nonchalant pace. Hey. Hi. You left these behind. He holds out her earrings. Oh, cool. Yes, thank you. That's lucky, otherwise I totally would have had to come

back for them. It's lost on Jamie that she did that on purpose. Okay, well, I should get going. Last night was fun, though. Maybe see you around? Hey, we should, I mean, I don't know, do you want to hang out for a bit? With you? Yes.

Oh, listen, I've got some pretty crazy stuff going on right now. And I just want to make sure we're all on the same page with this. I think you're great. Like really cool and not like other girls. I mean, I've never felt like this. And look, I'm really bad at this stuff. I just like, I don't know. I don't know if you want to go out with me.

Oh my God, yes. Because that's just not what I want. Tessa stares at him in horror. In Kat and Tessa's room, Tessa sits on the floor with her brand new Harvard logo duvet around her. Kat stands opposite, looking horrified. And then he said, because that's not what I want.

Who phrases it like that? What a douchebag. I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. Cat says nothing. It kind of is. She sits on the floor. If it makes you feel better, I'm still obsessed with the guy in my class who keeps saying,

this is more of a comment than a question. Jamie kept saying just to be devil's advocate. And I still spent the night. Wow. You must have really liked him. Well, yeah, I thought, I thought like this was it. I thought it was like, when you know, you know, you know, you just met him. Tessa slowly sinks under her duvet. Wait, did you tell him that? I may have implied it. Oh my God. You have had sex before though, right? I don't have some kind of 30 year

old virgin situation on my hands here. Yes, I've had sex. Thank you. I'm extremely liberal. Oh, yeah, because that's exactly how liberal people would describe themselves. I've had sex with the lights on. How many people have you had sex with? Some. How many?

More than left the Shire, but less than the Fellowship of the Ring. So, two. Some would consider that Gandalf also left the Shire. It's just, I didn't want to be on my own anymore. I mean, Stephen Avery from Making a Murderer managed to get married three times

while he was in jail. I bet you'd be a real hit in jail. Thank you. I mean, it's a great deal. I'm such an idiot. Right,

I have to go. I have to go and see the dean about my timetable or something. The dean? Don't worry about that. It can wait until tomorrow. You need to get

some sleep. Why don't I make you a tea or whatever you people drink? Oh, thank you. Tessa disappears back under the duvet. She slides out her heart-shaped stone. Thank you for being my friend. Kat doesn't know what to do.

No one's ever given her a stone before. Has she made a terrible mistake? No. She picks up the stone, puts it in the trash, defiant. In the human science classroom, No. She picks up the stone, puts it in the trash, defiant. In the human science classroom, the professor is giving her first lecture of the term to a gaggle of students. Welcome to your first lecture on primatology. Very big word, so let's break it down. Prima, monkeys, humans, apes, primates, and the ology from the Latin meaning to make something boring.

It's from the Greek stem meaning to learn. One of the only two jokes this term, so buckle up everybody. You're going to have to have your first seminar on evolution from our new grad student every week. She's British and she sounds adorable when she talks. Before we dive in, I want to address a question as I always get asked. It's if we evolve from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? And it is a fantastic question. I really want to do it justice. So what you're saying there is, if I came from my grandparents why are there still my cousins and you look like a fucking idiot she beams the professor's office in the mouse house the two mice are having a deep philosophical chat in their shoebox house in the corner of the cage there's a watch as a clock on the wall little silica gel packets as pillows match matchboxes as a chest of drawers, stamps as posters.

You're simply refusing to consider it from a psychodynamic perspective. Well, until something can be observed, it is impossible to determine. Then you are willfully ignoring nature versus nurture in early environmental conditioning. Tessa comes into the professor's office. The mice look up and scamper to the edge of the cage. She's back! She's back! Five seeds says she's here to quit. Done. Tessa enters the professor's office. The professor is thrilled to see her and has bought

a teapot and a picture of Princess Diana to make her feel more at home. So nice to see you! I'm just filling out a form from your last supervisor just saying you've arrived safely and you're settling in well no thank you I don't need three uncompleted masters in psychology to know that things are not going well well I'm not at Harvard and this was supposed to be my year of being a powerful

single woman and it took me about two minutes to fall in love I mean a boy literally told me to my face he doesn't want to go out with me. And I still went and looked up his birthday to see if a Virgo and a Taurus were compatible. And they're very compatible. The professor's size. I mean, I get it. Like, I know that love is just a combination of chemicals evolved to ensure the mammalian survival instinct

for hominid pair bonding. But that doesn't mean I don't want it. You know what I mean? I'm a scientist that knows humans are not meant for monogamy but I also spend a lot of time working on my Pinterest mood board for my wedding you know have you ever been in love professor I've been married three times in fact I might actually still be married whoops I was. But the only true love in my life is David. David Greybeard. And why can't you be together? Oh, so many complicated reasons. He's in Borneo.

I see. And he's a gorilla. Right. Humans just aren't built for this, you know, plodding along for hundreds of thousands of years with no change. And then suddenly, boom, culture explodes and we're scrambling to keep up she points to two photographs of near identical cave paintings of horses one from lascoe cave and one from chauvet cave there's 15 000 years between those two drawings of a horse 15 000 years that's a nice slow pace of life that's seven years between there's seven years between, there's seven years between the Nokia 3210 and the iPhone. We're just not all built for doing this. You're just a primate doing her best.

You might be here trying to be a powerful, independent woman, but your body is just out there on the savannah trying to stay alive and make babies with your nearest alpha male. Give yourself a break. Thank you. No problem. Now, what are you going to present at the Rosalind Franklin Award? The what? The award for female grad students.

The money that research lab. I mean, deeply patronizing, but we'll take it. Did Kat not tell you? No, but I mean, maybe she forgot. What do I have to do? The deadline's passed. The dean announced at the Faculty of Drinks, and Kat said you'd left, but she'd tell you.

Right. And I left because Kat told me to. The mice applaud. Oh, what a twist. Sounds like you've got a threatened female rival on your hands. Tessa leaps up. Where are you going? To try and fix this. Also, Professor, if you have to write back home about me, do you think you could imply that this is actual Harvard? Of course, of course. And maybe say that I'm looking really well. I'll go for worryingly thin. Tessa gives the okay signal for perfect. The professor shouts

after her, excited. Female rival, remember, what would a primate do? Tessa is running down the corridor, looking for the dean's office, talking to herself. Okay, female rival, what would a primate do? Orangutan, move several miles away, live alone, never speak to her again. Chimpanzee, fight her, kill her young, kill her if necessary. Gorilla, begrudgingly raise young together under the constant watch of a violent male. Bonobo, have sex with her. Human, write yikes. I want to put Instagram pictures.

The Dean emerges in front of her. Dean Gaffney, sorry to bother you. I'm Tessa. I'm the new grad student in human science. Ah, yes, yes. It's a pleasure. Do excuse me. I have rehearsals to get to.

This is a production of Joseph and the Amazing Coat. I don't really hit the mark in auditions, so once again, I'm afraid I'll have to stand in for the title and all. Professor, I wanted to see if I could still enter the Rosalind Franklin Award. I'm so sorry for missing the deadline. I didn't understand. But your name is already on the list, I think. It is? Yeah, right before the deadline. I didn't understand. But your name is already on the list, I think. It is?

Yeah, right before the deadline. That very serious girl from history should put your name in. She did? Yeah, I mean, if that's wrong, I can take you out the running. No, no, that's marvelous. Thank you. The dean walks off. Tessa is left in the corridor, confused.

In Tessa and Kat's room, Kat is working at her desk as Tessa comes in. Hey. Hi. Um, thanks for putting me forward for that Rosalind Franklin award. No worries. Didn't want you to miss out. And would I have missed out because you sent me off with Jamie?

I didn't send you anywhere. You went of your own accord. I think you were pretty instrumental. Maybe. Maybe? Yeah, maybe I sent you away so you wouldn't have a chance to enter. You tried to sabotage me? Oh my god, I've never been actively sabotaged. You definitely have, you just didn't sign out. What is your problem? You swan in here with no wall planner and you'll probably just rock up and win the thing anyway. I like being on

my own and I didn't want the competition. Why did you put me back in? Because you gave me a nice stone. I'm not encouraging it. Don't keep bringing stones in here like a penguin mating courtship, but it was nice. No one's ever done that before. I don't have a lot of female friends. Really? All right. I'm sorry, but I fixed it. Okay. And just for the record, when you said Jamie was a good idea... Yeah, he's a bad idea, obviously. Okay, well, I really could have done with that advice a little earlier. Okay, I'm sorry I sent you off with him, but I don't want that to be my job, okay? I don't want to be the one to give the sensible advice.

Okay. I do not want to be the Nokoma in this relationship. Who is Nokoma? She's the sensible best friend to that mad bitch Pocahontas. Nokoma just has to put up with Pocahontas' shit and give good advice. Obviously, she should have married Kokuam. Shall I marry Kokuam? Yes. Who is Kokuam in this? Kokuam is your academic career, which obviously you should be pursuing. Jamie is professional fuckboy John Smith, who in reality gave you tuberculosis

and toured you around England until you died. You feel very emotionally invested in this. I don't want to be in a coma. Everyone always makes me be in a coma and then you come in being all fun and crazy but I can be fun and crazy. Maybe I want to dive off the cliff. Okay, you can dive off the cliff

even though no one could have survived a fall into the water from that height. Okay, I'll be the Nokoma. Or we'll both be Pocahontas, you know? How about that? Two Pocahontases. Or whatever the most culturally appropriate version of that is for me. Okay.

And I will try and mess up your life as little as possible. Okay? Both emotionally and physically. And I will not actively sabotage your career. Great, okay. We're really getting somewhere. And I get why you did it, by the way.

I mean, one less person in the game, you know, blowing out her candle. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't make your candle glow any brighter.

Oh, I was going to say means your candle is now the only candle, you know, but maybe we could try being two candles. I'd like that.

We have to hope that two more people don't show up, you know, then we'll be four candles. What? It's a, it's a British joke. It's basically our only joke.

It's, it's not important. Right. Listen, okay. I have an idea about the award. It's a bit out there and whatever it is. No.

Okay. And this is why people make you be in a coma. What's the idea? We're in a lecture the next day. The thing about humans is no one has any idea how we got here. She's in a large lecture theater giving her presentation. But I got here to Harvard Square College by running away and then making some pretty primate choices. She spots Jamie in the lecture hall. I met a boy for about a minute and decided I was in love. But really,

it was just my ovaries going berserk. You know, suddenly I was drowning in oxytocin. And even though he repeatedly told me that all the Tarantino films were set within the same universe. They are, actually. Oxytocin was telling me to hang in there and start building the nest. And the more I study humans, the more I realize we're just another ape just really giving it a go. Deep down, we still think we're out there on the savannah somewhere 100,000 years ago. A flashback to the party at the beginning, dissolving to become a dark forest.

Tessa stands all alone. And your body never forgets that. That back then, if nobody fancied you, if you're alone out there, you died. That's why at a party your brain is always screaming,

get in there, get a beer and make some chums or we die. Out there, if they died or you died. And so we still fight every female for resources.

Like there's only space for one of us. Kat steps out of the darkness to come and stand beside her. The darkness falls away. Kat standing beside Tessa on the stage. Tessa smiles at her. But actually there's space for all of us, which is why we're doing this Rosalind Franklin Award together. Just like Rosalind Franklin made her greatest discoveries with her sister.

She spots the professor in the crowd who is beaming. And also, I've checked in the rules and it doesn't say anywhere that we can't. The dean looks completely taken aback. All of the old male scientists look over to him to object, but he can only shrug. So, welcome to our presentation on the history and biology of female cooperation. Tessa sees Anthony in the front row. He smiles and closes his eyes where he's written,

I love you, Indiana Jones style. Yeah, all right. In Kat and Tessa's room, they sit on the sofa together watching Pocahontas, a jazzy disco ball trophy of a glittery Rosalind Franklin sits between them.

Also in real life, she was 11. So the whole thing makes no sense. And at the end, they send him home to see a doctor about his gunpowder wounds, but the journey took like two months, so he'd definitely be dead. Grandmother Willow is great, though. Oh, Grandmother Willow is amazing. The two mice sit on the back of the sofa, watching as well,

their tails tucked in, sharing one piece of popcorn. And that's the end. All right, I really hope you enjoyed that. Such a fun script. Definitely come back next week for a great conversation with Tessa Coates. The journey of this pilot is really a unique and wild story. Dead Pilots Society is produced by me and my co-producer, Ben Blacker, and our associate producer Noah Findling.

If you like this show, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. It really does help. Maybe tell a friend who might enjoy the show, tell them about it. You can follow us on social media. We're on Twitter, Dead Pilots Pod, and on Instagram at Dead Pilots Society.

So please do that. Thank you so much, uh, for listening and being with us. Uh, I feel like there's some light visible at the end of the tunnel. So everybody hang in there, uh, and, uh, be back next week. Until that time I'm Andrew Reich. Thanks for listening. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned, Until that time, I'm Andrew Reich. Thanks for listening.