Mission To Zyxx - L09: O Crabbo! My Crabbo! [LIVE ft. Benjamin Partridge]

Episode Date: November 27, 2019

In this special Season 3-era live episode, the crew tries to enlist a dissident crabbo to join the forces of Freshness. Pleck gets married. Dar gets married. C-53 gets married. Nermut gets married. AJ gets married. Bargie gets annoyed. Recorded at the 2019 London Podcast Festival.Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut BundaloyWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as BargieWith special guest Benjamin Partridge as Leftsergeant BelmontLive recording, live sound effects, and mix by Shane O’ConnellEdited by Seth LindMusic composed by Brendan RyanOpening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric GeuszAudio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. Thanks to our MaxFun supporters for making this special off-season release possible!

This is C-RED IT5 with a special live episode recorded at the 2019 London Podcast Festival. Season 4 of Mission to Zix is currently gestating in its tube of blue liquid, but if you're a MaxFun member, there's plenty of bonus content to hold you over and more on the way soon. Jump on board at MaximumFun.org slash donate and get access to exclusive episodes and more. Now please enjoy the following live episode featuring the incredible Benjamin Partridge from MaxFun's own Beef and Dairy Network podcast. Thanks to London Podcast Festival for having us. This is great.

How's everybody doing? Yeah. Very excited to be here. I have a very important question. Does anyone not know what the fuck this show is about? Oh, God. Oh, no. Not a few. Great. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Got a few.

Great. Uh-oh. You guys are in for a real treat. They might be very confused. We are going to do an all-new, completely improvised episode for you, and we would like to welcome out our guest. We're very excited to have him.

You already know him and love him from the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. Please welcome out Benjamin Partridge! Very excited. What a pleasure. Hiya. This episode is a lost season three episode for the continuity dorks among you. This is

immediately following the events of Dara's baby shower. Nermit is on the ship with us and we are going to do a mission. You guys ready? Alright, let's get started. It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermit Bundeloy rules

the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher. Crusher. Now, Zima Knight, Plek Dexeter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat wackness,

bring balance to the space and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zinks. Hey, C-53. Yes? I finally had some of that cake that Nermit jumped out of. Yeah?

Delish. Great. What? Were you saving it for any particular reason? No, it's just full, you know. I kind of kept it in the fridge and I thought, you know, I should try it. And it's good. And the weird part is it's like

it was kind of squished. Cake sort of squished and I was like halfway through it. And I was like, oh, Nermit was on this. He wasn't on it. He was in it and I was like halfway through it. And I was like, oh, Nermit, like, was on this. He wasn't on it. He was in it. I was in it. I know. Yeah. I know. I'm just saying it was... I felt...

Honestly, when you were in there, I missed... I lost a sock. Did you encounter a sock while you were eating the cake? Like a layer that was maybe gummier than you expected. It would be smaller than you expect a sock to be. Sure. Yeah.

Like this big. Okay. Yeah, thank you. Well, my point was that I was halfway through the piece of cake, and I was like, oh, a bird was on this, and I kept eating it, and I feel a little weird. Have you ever been halfway through something, and you're sort of like, well, I'm not going to stop?

Um, yeah. Yeah, I did that. It was a kill spree. Hey, what? It was a kill spree. We were clearing out a species, and I was like, should I still be doing this? And then I just killed the rest of them. AJ. What?

It's genocide. What am I going to stop? What? AJ. Halfway? You've got to go's genocide. What am I going to stop? What? AJ. Halfway? You gotta go full genocide. No. That's what I was taught. AJ, you should know that just sort of casually referring to genocide puts a lot of people on edge, I guess.

Here. Wait, you, hold on. Sorry to interrupt. My cousin's coming. You have a cousin who's coming here? Yeah. Okay. Roger, I'm not's coming here? Yeah. Okay. I'm not sure I'm familiar with your cousin. It's Frederick.

Frederick? I'm sorry, but you have to say it like you're swallowing the words. Frederick. It sounds like a call, sort of. Frederick. Okay. Yeah, that's fine. We have a tumultuous relationship. He's never really believed in what I've done. He doesn't support my artwork. He thinks what I do is illegal. He's never really believed in what I've done. He doesn't support my artwork. He thinks what I do is illegal.

He's quasi maybe a cop. I don't know. Wait. Wait, so he has a, like, tumultuous relationship with you? Yeah. That doesn't sound right. You seem to always have pretty smooth relationships with everybody you meet. Opening up my hatch.

Yeah, you're going to open. Wait. Wait. I found my sock. No. It just whipped right by you. Thanks, Barge. Wait. Did you eat my cake?

Me? Yeah, you have frosting all over your mouth. I ate the piece of cake that was in the fridge. I was saving that. It was Dara's baby shower cake. That Nermit was inside of. Yeah, why? Why did you eat that?

I was invited to the shower. I thought that meant I was entitled to a piece of cake. It's like when you're invited to a genocide, you're like, we're gonna kill everybody. No. Just me? piece of cake. It's like when you're invited to a genocide, you're like, we're going to kill everybody. No, no, no. What? Just me?

Oh, it's like etiquette, you know? You're at a genocide. You got that? I really wish you'd stop saying that word. You got to know, you can't keep breaking that one out.

What do I do? Why do you keep saying that? I don't know. Let's just imagine there are a bunch of people around that might be uncomfortable

by you saying that. Nah. Oh, he's shooting from the head. Especially when I'm... No, stop. No, no, no, no. Even I know that's wrong. Listen, Bargy, is your cousin here?

Yeah, he's directly in front of me. We're doing a nose-to-nose. Oh. It's a familial thing. You and your other family of ships, you two directly look inside of their windows, become one, you remember the memories, judges me, he tries to get

deep inside, see what I've done, if I'm guilty, I don't know. Oh, wow. He's right up against us. Frederick, how's it been going? You look... What? Guilty. Barjee, you know, I know it's important to keep in touch with your family, but sometimes you have, you know, toxic relationships with family members.

You gotta just, you know, you gotta be okay with just letting them go. Now we're just bumping into each other. Oh, God! Ugh! Ugh! Nermit, can you just go ahead and tell us something we can do that isn't this? Yeah, we might need to get off the barge. Yeah, maybe we should go. Do you have a mission us something we can do that isn't this? Yeah, we might need to get off the bar. Yeah, maybe we should go. Do you have a mission or something?

Yes, I was looking at the list of dissidents, and I came across, get this, a crabbo. Left Sergeant Belmont is a very powerful crabbo. Are you saying that right? Left Sergeant Belmont. I think it's Left Sergeant. Oh, right. Why would I envision a space? I don't know. You're right. Left Sergeant. Okay. Belmont. I think it's Left Sergeant. Oh, right. Why would I envision a space? I don't know.

You're right. Left Sergeant. Okay. Belmont. A powerful crabbo. A icy strategist. And if we can get them on the side of the Zima to defeat the Emperor, just think, you could probably rally together all sorts of pilots for the K-Fighters who founded Kevin Wu. I mean, we really do need, like, a military strategist.

Grab us, sir. Famously one of the most organized fighting forces in the galaxy. Oh, yeah? Yeah, this is the kind of guy we need. Yeah, all right. Well, I guess let's... I'm working on my career, okay? I'm trying.

I'm going through a lot right now, okay? I don't have a five-year plan. I have a week-to-week plan. All right, Barji, good luck with your cousin. You know, I'm the one flying you, right? Yeah. Yeah, also, yeah, could you You know, I'm the one flying you, right? Yeah. Yeah, also, yeah, could you also drop us off on the Crabbo Planet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay.

Prepare to intake at the Crabbo Planet. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we are, you know, intergalactic emissaries. Are you here for business? We're actually more confident than we appear. Yeah, listen, we're just here for just a day trip. We've got a business meeting. We'll be right out.

Absolutely. So, according to the custom, you will all be married to a partner. Oh, what? What? In the intake of customs, you will be married to a partner. Hello, I am your new wife. What? Oh, plug. Congratulations.

I've paired you off. The robot and the soldier. Oh, okay. Mr. Robot. Not who I would have chosen, but all right. Okay, and then, so that leaves... That means the big one and the soldier. Oh, okay, Mr. Robot. Not who I would have chosen. All right. Okay, and then, so that leaves... That means the big one and the small one. Dar, I've been thinking about this for, well, now 30 seconds, and I think it's the time...

Please move along. All right. Guys, what just happened? Yes, hi. Hi, I'm Plek. Okay, so you know the deal, okay? The end of the day, we know exactly what's going to happen. Okay, that's fine.

So we don't have to get too close, too emotional. Just what blood type are you? Where did you come from? What school did you go to? Oh, well, I'm a Q positive, and I am a regular donor. Not always on purpose. Kiss me on my forehead. Kiss you on your happy to.

Okay. Yeah, there we go. Is that it? Oh, no! Kiss me on my forehead. Kiss you on your... Happy to. Okay. Yeah. There we go. Is that it? Oh, no! Standard crabbo kiss. Yeah. I don't even know her name.

What's the thing that happens at the end of the day? You're saying we all know what happens At the end of the day Pretend that maybe some of us You know Don't know Not me but Yeah what happens at the end of the day Crabo unnamed Crabo wife This dumb guy doesn't know

Yeah Listen should I just call you wife Yes I have a deep story. There's more to me. I'm very three-dimensional, but my name is wife. Okay. Fair enough.

Yeah, sounds legit. I'm sorry, is your name wife or should I just call you wife? My name is wife. Okay, fair enough. Maybe we should, you know, wife, would you like to join us? We're going on a... I'm busy, I gotta go. See you later.

Wow. I'm complicated. She just scuttled away. We're still married. I mean, we'll see each other again. But you don't spend a lot of time with your wife, it doesn't seem like. Yeah, what's going on with that? That's not a great foundation for a relationship.

Okay, can we just try to find Left Sergeant Belmont, please? C-53, do you know where this guy is? Just calling up a command. Oh, she's only just a couple blocks away. Does the beach have blocks? The beach doesn't have blocks, but these buildings do. Oh.

Just looking straight out at the beach, didn't see any of the buildings behind us. I didn't notice the buildings. Okay. Seems like you could have turned around, figured that out for yourself. No, I mean, I've just been looking at my spouse. Yeah, for a militaristic society, there's a lot of beach. Well, the crevice.

Yeah, okay. While we're walking, I just feel like we all... This is... I mean, they're married. C-53 and AJ are married. Well, it's sort of a marriage of convenience. We're pretty casual about it. Yeah, whatever.

It works for us, okay? It works for us. That's our relationship because that's what we decided. If you've got a problem with your partner, you need to... I don't have a problem with my partner. Don't project on us. Don't project your problems onto us. We have a perfect marriage.

Guys, there's a crabbo running, scuttling, I would say, towards us. Hey, boy. I heard you married wife. What? I heard you married wife. Oh, yeah. It wasn't really my choice. It was sort of, I think it was a custom thing.

Did she do the... Yeah, yeah. That's pretty good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I was't really my choice. I think it was a custom thing. Did you do the... Yeah, yeah. That's pretty good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I was married to her last week. Oh. Yeah. Great, great.

It was a good one. I'm sorry. Maybe you could help us out. We're actually looking for a left Sergeant Belmont. Oh. Oh. A what? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Yeah, I don't understand what he's doing. He's just like opening his arms. What's the deal? Maybe I'll point out that he gestured in a way that meant it's him. Wait, you're Left Sergeant Belmont? That's great. Guys, should I?

What? No. EJ. No. EJ. Come on. EJ. Left Sergeant Belmont.

We're actually. You know, crapos are very tasty. You said that right in front of him. No, seriously, it's okay. We know we're tasty. It's kind of a tragedy that's inherent to our species. What, that you're delicious? We're delicious, especially with a kind of butter glaze.

Yeah, yeah, no, talk more about it. What other condiments are you tasting? Ew. Big, sweaty, meaty looking thing. Okay, listen. Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

Left Sergeant. Don't hold me back. Don't hold me back. You're just getting very close to Left Sergeant here. It's okay. It's something we have to live with as a species. We're delicious, but you aren't allowed to eat us. Uh, yeah, sure, good. Yeah, that makes sense.

Absolutely. I mean, we came here to meet you because we know that you are a dissident against the Emperor. That's true, yes. And we need your sort of, like, icy strategic military mind to help us take him down. Do I seem that way to you? No. No.

That's actually a good point. We might have gotten some bad intel or something. Yeah. Sergeant Belmont, I sort of was under the impression this was a very strictly militaristic community. Okay, that's racist. Papa, come on. I mean, this guy seems to know racism. Yeah, I absolutely know it.

If you've committed genocide, you get it. You know what I mean? What? AJ? What? We are going to talk about this later. I guess, sure. Listen, people have precon talk about this later. I guess. Sure. Listen, people have preconceptions about crabos.

They think we're all militaristic. They think we're hard. And yummy. Super, super yummy. That too? Huh. Some of us are soft. I was like a soft shell crab.

That's right. Okay, yeah. Okay. I like poetry. I like music. I like fucking. Okay. I like poetry. I like music. I like fucking. Okay. Sorry, C-53, do you know what fucking means?

What is that? It's a regional term. Some people say that instead of jockeying. Oh, okay. It sounds weird, but yeah. Yeah. Oh, weird. That's a dumb word.

Why would you ever say, why would you ever, fucking sounds like a made-up word. Yeah, I agree. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I love Sargent. It's okay. Listen, you're married to wife, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, looking at the position of the 27 suns above us.

Very warm. It's so hot. By the time the 14th son reaches the 22nd son, you have to have consummated that marriage. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's part of it. Yeah, that's a law.

That's from the emperor himself. Wait, the marriage thing is like an edict? Yeah. What happened? It's not the same way you are? No, no, no. No, this is the only planet where we found that to be true. Okay, so you wake up in the morning.

You have to find a partner. You have to marry that partner. You've got to fuck the partner. As you call it. Jerk. Jerk, yeah. Sounds silly to me, but... It's good, though, that we can communicate in a common language.

I know, it's amazing, yeah. Yeah, I don't even know where that sound's coming out of, but it's... It's good, though, that we can communicate in a common language. I know, it's amazing. Yeah, I don't even know where that sounds coming out of, but it's a flap. Sure. Anyway, you have to marry. You have to consummate that marriage. You have to buy furniture together. Oh, boy. Okay.

You have to build the furniture together? Yes. And then, of course, because you've done that, there is a divorce in the evening. Naturally. I ain't got to amicably divide that furniture. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does everyone on the planet get married and divorced in the same day? Yeah. Every day? Yeah. So you'll be divorced later today. What? Okay. Are you guys trustworthy people?

I don't think so. I don't think so. I kind of feel like they want to eat me. I do. I absolutely do. Let's be honest here. And this guy wants to kill everyone in my species? I mean, just... Do you guys not know what genocide is? Yeah, you know. AJ, stop saying that.

Yeah. Oops. AJ, take out... He's doing that shrug thing right now. I learned it from him. Love, Sergeant Belmont. I promise you no harm will befall you. We will not let AJ shoot anyone on this planet.

Okay. The reason for the marriage and divorcing is the emperor. The emperor of this planet. Yes. Yeah. I'm sorry, Mr. Emperor, from my perspective. Sure. Captain Phillips.

Right. Right. Yeah. We've all heard of him before. We all know Captain Phillips A lot of emperors go by Captain Right Yeah, I'm sorry, does he outrank you?

Do you remember when he I remember seeing Oh, you know about this? I do Just humor me I remember when he ascended the throne And he was like, I'm the captain now. Okay, all right.

All right. So, Captain Phillips, the emperor. He did decide to change his name to Emperor Phillips? Sorry, what do you mean? His name is Captain Phillips, and he is the emperor. Okay. Emperor Captain Phillips. What's hard to understand about that?

I think I've explained it pretty thoroughly. You're right. I'm sorry. Captain Phillips, and he is the Emperor. Okay. What's hard to understand about that? I think you've explained it pretty thoroughly. You're right. I'm sorry. His first name is Captain? His second name is Phillips. That's why he's like, I'm the Captain now. But he isn't a Captain. His first name is Captain. Right.

Right. I'm no longer a Captain. I'm... No, he's called captain. Right. And then he was the captain, right? I'm no longer a captain. I'm... No, he's called Captain. Right. Right. But he's not a captain. I think we're saying the same thing.

All right, all right. In the same way where, like, you're a man, if you became an emperor, you'd be the man. Sure. You could be a captain, but then if you became emperor, you'd be... No, okay, I think I'm getting this. Let's, like, do a real... Yeah, I want to...

Please. Black. Black. You're too consummate. Oh. Oh, wow. Honestly, it felt the same when we weren't married. I know, just like you get the instructions out of the box, and then you put out the furniture pieces.

And then you build the furniture. Yeah, and then you check. Wait, we did it out of order. Well, AJ and I've checked, and they're going to let us off the hook on the consummation thing because you have no genitals. Yeah, I don't have genitals. Yeah. There's other things we could do.

I mean, we could fool around. I don't know. AJ, I mean, you know, it's this guy. It's not my nose. It's up to you. No, I don't know. I mean, whatever you want to do. I mean, this guy, it's this guy. It's up to you. No, I don't know. I mean, whatever you want to do. I mean, this guy, didn't he have a secret he wanted to tell us?

Oh, that's right. Oh, we got so distracted by the furniture. It's been an hour. No joke. Okay, he's sort of been kind of hopping on either little foot. What do I want to say? You can say quite. I guess.

But you still want to tell us your secret, right? Oh, sure. Sorry, thanks for waiting. Sure. We had a lot of business we were all working on. Guys, guys, guys, guys.

If wife asks where I am, no one tell her, okay? Okay. Did you... No, well, it's... She was like, okay, I'm going to lay two and a half million eggs here and then you just fertilize well, it's... She was like, okay, I'm gonna lay two and a half million eggs here, and then you just fertilize

them, and then... And I was like, sure thing, I'll get right to it. So she took off, but if she asks, tell her I did it. Wait, so you just killed all those eggs? No! What? No, I just... That's a genocide! No, no! No! No, I didn't... No!

I didn't kill them, I just... I just didn't fertilize them. So they're going to... The first one's always the one you remember. What? Yeah, you don't remember the rest, but the first one you're like, wow, this is messed up. Also, I have to say,

starting your relationship on this foundation of lies is just not good for the future. You should probably go back and, you know, on the sex. No, I don't. First of all, I don't even know how I would do that. Oh, Plek, how are we that far back? Who can I be the one to tell that? No, no. Please.

You know what? You have a secret. Okay, yeah, let's just. Let's just. Let's come back to. We will talk later, Plek. Okay, I don't want to do that. That is a parenting conversation I'm excited about. Okay. I mean, I can teach you to fertilize two and a half million eggs.

Ah, yeah. That was your secret? Oh, that's no secret. I'll do that in front of anyone. Listen, Belmont, what's the secret? Okay. So the emperor. Captain.

Captain Phillips. He began as a very virtuous and well-meaning emperor. He was a fantastic guy. Great. The whole planet was wonderful. Sounds like everything's good. It's a setup, AJ. He's setting up the rest of it.

Oh, sorry. Well, he doesn't. Okay. And I wish, AJ, that it stayed that way. So do I. It sounds like it's going to. AJ, give him five seconds.

This is the first part of the story. And then... Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God. And then... Oh no. Why did you tell me everything was fine? It's context for the story. I don't... okay. Do you know what a story is, AJ?

No! Keep going! AJ? AJ. Okay. Oh, they're making out. The Emperor had a wife. Sounds good. Uh-huh.

AJ, can you just turn off the speaker on your head? Yeah, you got it. Cool. Called Boot. And Captain Phillips and Boot had a wonderful relationship. And then he met another woman. I say woman, I of course mean female Crambo. Who's...

Oh, was she covered in mayonnaise? I know it's a regional thing. You can do mayo or hot butter, but I'm not picky. Again, I would ask you, out of respect to me, but I'm not picky. Again, I would ask you, out of respect to me, to stop consuming my body. I'm only doing it with my eyes right now.

Anyway, he had learned the pleasures of the flesh. Uh-huh. Not like that. He began playing away. He began having affairs. He began having affairs. People began to criticize him for having affairs. They were saying, we shouldn't have an emperor who has affairs. So he changed the law.

That every day you must marry a different person and have a different partner every day. And so his behavior was not just virtuous, it was legal. And it was imposed on all of us. Wow. And that's why you've had to marry wife. Changing how people get married just because you're in charge,

I can't believe that would ever happen. What kind of messed up place would allow that? All right, CB3, you're doing that thing with your arms. Yeah. Hey, Sergeant, I really love that story. It had a beginning, a middle, and an end. And I was captivated the entire time. Kudos to you and to everyone involved.

Is that okay? Was that an appropriate response? That was very nice. Thank you. That's good. And that was the response? That was very nice. Thank you. That's good. And that was the first story you've ever heard. Right. But, yeah. Was that the secret? Well.

No. What the junk is happening? Why are we listening? We needed the emotional context. Okay. What's the secret? Listen to me. I want to introduce you to someone. Hello. There she is. She's been hiding beneath my flaps this entire time.

Oh, jeez. Wow. Her name is Jira. She's been my wife for six months. What? Twist. Left Sergeant, how are you able to get away with this?

Well, we do it in secret. She can never be seen in public apart from now because I trust you guys. I don't really trust you so much. Okay. Sure. Where did you get that bib, Dar? That, like, plastic...

I always wear this plastic bib. I don't think I've ever seen you with that. Why? No, I... It has a crab on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always wear this plastic bib I don't think I've ever seen you with that It has a crab on it I always wear this plastic bib And I always carry a knife and fork I've never seen you wear that

Hi, I'm Jiro I'm uh I'm not supposed to be in public We actually had a debate about Who's the one who's going to be in public And who's going to be the one hiding Whoops, it was me. I got that one.

That's fine. Yeah, that's cool that it's the guy that's in public. The thing is, I love him. That's really beautiful. And you're not supposed to do that here. You're just supposed to be with one person and on to the next and on to the next. Are you teeing up a story? What's going on?

No, I think she's just talking. And do you know the reason that we know we're in love? We went to the furniture store. Yeah. We bought a flatback cabinet. A flatback cabinet. And we put it together. Put it together.

Yeah. And it was fine. Yeah. Wow. Wow. That didn't lead to a relationship destroying? We didn't even look at the instructions. What?

Didn't even use the enclosed Allen key? What are you talking about? How is that possible? All the wood just fit together like it was meant to be. That's right. We used the Allen key, if you know what I'm saying. would just fit together like it was meant to be. That's right. Wow.

We use the Allen key, if you know what I'm saying. All right. What? But if somebody finds out about me, well, you know what'll happen. No, I don't think we do. What's the punishment for not getting divorced at the end of the day?

If Emperor Captain Phillips finds out that me and Gia are in love, I have to eat Gia. What? Hell yeah. That's the wrong time for that. Again, we had a debate about who would be the one eating who, and again, I'm like, whoops, I'm the one who got that one again, but it's okay because we're in love.

I'm pretty overbearing. Splints a lot. Wow, you know, that's terrible. I have to see him be with other people just so we can pretend we're still part of the society. So do you get fake married to other crabos to keep the illusion up? Every day I get married to a different crabos,

but I know that Jira's the one I really love. Aw. Wow. Obviously it's a real bind that I have to consummate every marriage, like, every day, like... Yeah, that sucks! Yeah.

Yeah, well, while you're consummating the marriage. Is Jerry, like, still on the flap? She's in the flap. Just listen to the music, now! Belmont, maybe there's something we can do to help. Maybe you can come with us and get off of the planet. You can avoid the rules of Emperor Captain Phillips. The problem is, as soon as I leave this planet,

my flaps will dry up. Oh, yeah, it's very humid here because of all the suns. Okay. Listen, I could survive if you based me constantly. We based you? Well, the water would dry up so quickly. You'd be better off using like a sort of herb butter. Oh, sure.

Maybe an olive oil. I don't know. Why are the herbs important? The herbs? Just keep it fresh. I do love keeping it fresh. Listen, Jira gets quite funky under there. Okay.

Do you want to speak to that? Yeah, I get real funky. Okay. Oh, I get real funky. Okay. Or I get funky. Just like smells you've never seen. Well, yeah. I'm doing fine. Okay.

All right. Nobody said otherwise. Yeah. Guys, listen. Let's start with you. Can I just talk to C-53 and Dar and the rest of the crew? Just for a second. We call this an aside.

So we all go by ourselves and whisper to each other over here. You are aware of some narrative devices, just not stories. Okay, just one. Can I just have one second? We do that too, but we call it an inside. Oh, sure. Right, because you're inside. Yeah, we'll just step over here.

Okay, listen, C-53, I feel like, on one hand, I want Belmont to be with Jira if he wants to be, but I also feel like their relationship is a little jacked up. He's not a great husband. Yeah, no, he's kind of a jerk. I feel like I should eat him. Darn it, James. I think we can find a solution that doesn't involve any of us eating any of other us.

Guys, look. There's a... Is that an Imperial cruiser? It says Captain Phillips. No, Emperor Captain Phillips. Did you just see the emperor part? How did you not read that? Well, in fairness,

you can see the ship says Captain Phillips and then he sort of hastily scrolled emperor in front of him. Okay, Nermit. You just gave me an idea. What's that? What if... Now, just bear with me. In order to change these laws,

we might have to go aboard that imperial ship. And eat him. No, no, no. And hijack the ship. Listen, I'll go aboard. Hijack the ship from Captain Phillips. Listen, bear with me. What if one of us was to go up and be like, I'm the captain now.

You're talking crazy. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know who could infiltrate Emperor Captain Philip's ship? I believe he's elected himself to that position. Okay. Well, that was so easy. No guards on this ship. No, nothing. We're a very trusting species.

I mean, I guess everybody's sort of busy, like, fighting and jucking and fertilizing and breaking up, building furniture. I thought this was a militaristic society. There's nobody around at all. Again, that's deeply racist. These are old-fashioned stereotypes. We've moved on. Okay, all right, all right. I guess we just go in.

Is Emperor Captain Phillips in this? He's probably at that big steering wheel. Ah, yeah! Seems really beloved. Ah! Let it knock the open sea. Now that's racist. The Imperial Crabbo Navy.

How's this going? Good? No? Okay. Wow. He sounds weird, right? He sounds different than you. I think he grew up on a different planet. And then he's trying to do our accent, but...

No one's that convinced. I do not like it for Captain Phillips, I'll tell you. No one can know. No one can know that I grew up on a different planet. So I... He knew it right away. What? Who are you? What?

Who are you? We're here with Belmont, and you've got... company. You should have said that far more confidently. Who the fuck are you? It's a very weird word. I mean... How dare you!

Sorry, I don't... My accent's a secret that I don't tell anyone. This is your original accent? Yeah, this is it right here. Why can't you just be yourself more? Because I feel like, you know, I'm the captain now.

It's so stressful to have to kind of puff myself up and do this accent. I just noticed I have this giant funny hat and a big feather in it. But inside, inside it's like there's somebody else inside of me. Do you know how that feels? Well, do you? Yeah.

And you're like, but I want to fertilize it as well. Belmont, don't forget to usurp him. Yeah, Belmont, Belmont, stay on target, man. Hey, hi. Whoa. Hi there. It's me, Jira. Hey, hi. Whoa. Hi there.

It's me, Jira. You know me. I was one of your wives one time, right? Jira, oh, you look great. And maybe you should deal with some issues that you've been letting go for many years, which has affected the rest of society. Oh, no. Oh. Yeah, you're right.

There's some issues I need to deal with on my own. And so I should probably take off this funny hat. I will crown a new emperor. And I'll crown the person who's given it to me straight. It's you, Jira. What? What? I'll put this funny hat on you.

What? What? Yes. What? Yes, you're the captain now. Ha, ha, ha. Ho, ha, hee, hoo, ha, ha, ha, you're the captain now. This feels bad.

Exactly. Heavy is the head that wears the funny hat. Oi! Oh, no. Oh, no. News are in the land. So the thing is, Jira, obviously you're now, like, officially speaking the emperor and you're in charge of the whole planet.

But as your husband, I'm still kind of... Nope. Nope. Oh, where did those guards come from? Nope. Oh, now they're a bunch of guards. Yeah, wow, they really popped out of nowhere. Please, please, please. What's going on?

In the past six months, what are five things you actually know about me? Oh, boy. How many things do I have to tell you? Five! Okay. You smell kind of funky. It's not a thing. You're really into tennis. That's right.

It's a classic crabbo game. Well, it's a lot of side-to-side motion. Yeah, it's side-to-side motion. Very good. And we use our clompers just to like... You're really into line dancing? I love it. Again.

Similar reason. Back and forth. It's easy. Two more. Yeah? Yeah. You're really into my Allen key? We never used one.

I think that might have been metaphorical. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes. And, um, I guess your favourite food is... I guess I... It's you. Oh, no. What?

You're so delicious. Oh, they're covering in butter sauce. Whoa. No, no, no, no, please, please, please. No, eat me. No, no, I'm going to eat you, and she's going to eat him. I just cracked right through the shell. My clomper.

No, just please kill me. Don't eat me alive. Oh, it's better when it's this fresh. Please, out of respect for me and my body. Please don't eat my body in the way you're eating my body. I feel like this plan really backfired. I was trying to save a relationship, and I sort of made cannibalism happen.

Guys, I realize we left AJ on the beach. Hey! Okay, Plexo, masturbation. The way that works. No, it actually turned out I had to get divorced when we exited customs on the way off the planet, so you don't have to explain any of this to me anymore. Hey, C-53. Yeah?

We had a good run, you and I. Honestly, it's one of the best marriages I've ever been a part of. Yeah. We had a good run. Yeah. You and I. Honestly, it's one of the best marriages I've ever been a part of. Yeah. You respected my space, and I thank you for that. I was a little pissed off that you guys left me on the beach for the climax, but would marry again. Yeah, same. Yeah, great. Hey, Nermit.

Yeah. How do you feel about having to be divorced from Dar on your way off the planet? I feel like it's better to have loved and lost and gotten a small bureau than to have never loved nor had a bureau. Beautiful. Hey, Frederick. Yeah. Oh, hey, Bargy. How's it going with your cousin? Hey, I just wanted to say I'm so glad you came Frederick. Yeah? Oh, hey, Bargy.

How's it going with your cousin? Hey, I just wanted to say I'm so glad you came over. Yeah. I'm glad we talked things out. I told you everything about the crew. I gave you all the information you needed. Right. Wait, you told them about us?

Yep. Yeah. I write fanfic. This is SeaRid IT5, Creniton Attributions Droid, commencing outro protocol. Pop-a-Pleck Dexiter was played by Alden Ford. C53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargy the Shift and Wife and Jira were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Master Missions Operations Manager Narmut Bundeloy and Frederick were played by Seth Lynn.

AJ and Emperor Captain Phillips were played by Winston Knoll. Left Sergeant Belmont was played by special guest comedian Benjamin Partridge. His own podcast, Beef and Dairy, can be heard wherever you listen to podcasts, but also including BBC Radio 4. This episode was sound designed and mixed live by Shade O'Connell. Recorded at the London Podcast Festival In London Yeah

Music composed by Brendan Ryan And performed by Fame's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra Yeah Opening crawl narration By Jeremy Crutchley

Shift design for The Bargerian Jade By Eric Gois Audio hosting by Simplecast And finally Mission to Zix Is a proud member

Of the Maximum Fun Network and a special thank you to our audience here at the Lodge Podcast Festival thank you so much for coming out to the show thanks again to Benjamin for guesting, have a great night bye everybody This week on Bullseye, Lin-Manuel Miranda on his dark materials, hip hop and life after Hamilton. I know it's the first line of my obituary.

So if that line is handled, then what else can I do with my time here? It's Bullseye for MaximumFun.org and NPR. Hey, it's Jesse Thorne. We're very happy to announce that tickets for MaxFunCon 2020 will go on sale Friday, November 29th at 11 a.m. Pacific. at 11 a.m. Pacific. I also want to let you know, this coming year, MaxFunCon 2020 will be our last MaxFunCon for the foreseeable future.

For 2020 and beyond, we're going to be looking for ways to connect with more of you in person and spread the spirit of MaxFun farther than it's ever gone before. In the meantime, if you want to join us at the last MaxFunCon in Lake Arrowhead,

June 12th through the 14th, you can find details at maxfuncon.com. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. So we like to get you guys involved in our process. And what we like to do is use you as sound in our next season, which is coming up. And perhaps in the future, we may have ghosts, you know?

We haven't done ghosts yet, but it's possible. You never know. Let's not rule it out. And Shane doesn't have any ghost sounds yet. We need some ghost sounds. So, on the count of three, if you guys can be like ghosts, being a little, like, shocked and disappointed, like, oh, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, I'm sorry. We really need them. Are they the ghosts? They're the ghosts. Yeah, like, oh, no! Wait, wait, wait. Oh, I'm sorry. We don't need this. Are they the ghosts? They're the ghosts. They're not normal people who saw ghosts. No, no, no. They're the ghosts. They themselves are shocked.

Shocked ghosts. Like, you're a ghost who just, I think I saw a living person. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. A ghost gets shocked. Are you excited for season four yet? Great. All right. So on the count of three, one, two's right. A ghost gets shocked. Are you excited for season four yet? Great.

All right. So on the count of three, one, two, three. Oh!