Mission To Zyxx - Torto Troopers Assemble! [ft. Glo Tavarez]

Episode Date: June 25, 2020

The crew is dispatched to pick up Seesu Gundu’s new running mate, where they meet a hero in distress. Nermut is all aflutter. Dar and C-53 have a mutual crush. Pleck makes coffee. Starring:Jeremy Bent as C-53Alden Ford as Pleck DecksetterAllie Kokesh as DarSeth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy and Reg McClorskWinston Noel as AJMoujan Zolfaghari as Bargie and Seesu GunduWith special guest Glo Tavarez as Tymberleigh Sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell Edited by Seth LindFeaturing an original song by Alta Finn and Shane O'ConnellTheme Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional instrumentals by Shane O'Connell.Opening crawl narration by Jeremy CrutchleyShip design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric GeuszAudio hosting by SimplecastMission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Ault. Which looks like a couple thousand comets having a fist fight. Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission 2-6. AC-53? Yes? I have a question for you.

It's a hypothetical question. What's the problem? It's about the All Weed. Okay. What do you think would happen theoretically if, I don't know, like a Tellurian went into the All Weed? You're suggesting you would go inside the All Weed? Yeah, well, not me specifically necessarily,

but just what would happen if a tellurian did go in. In this hypothetical situation, let's say... Let's say I went through or into the all-wheat. What do you think would happen?

Well, Black, we don't know a whole lot about the all-wheat because no one's ever come out of it. The suggestion would be that it's a black hole, but you know infected it somehow. That would mean you would be crushed to death in an instant. But I believe your perception

of it would be infinite. Oh. Okay. Plus you'd be on fire. What happened? Branding for the all Weed, Eric. Okay. Don't go into the All Weed. What?

That's a bad idea. Yeah, I'm not... Are you asking to see if you can go into the All Weed? I'm not asking. I just got a dumb question alert. Dumb question alert. That doesn't... That can't be a real alarm bar, Jack.

No, it's not you, AJ. That was not you, AJ. It's not you this time. No, Plek is asking if he can go inside the all week. I'm not. There is some question alert. Listen, I'm not asking permission. I'm just. That's like worse when I was like what's the white part of bread?

It's the, that's the whole that's the bread. Right. I learned it by asking the question. There's the crust. He had a point. Yeah. Also, honestly, not all bread is white. So think about it.

Check your privilege. Wait, what? I gotta go. Plek, where are you going? Are you trying to go into the all week right now? I'm not, I'm not, where are you going? Are you trying to go into the all week right now? I'm not going into the all week. No, no, no. When your voice reaches that octave, we all know that you're fibbing.

So there's more than just white bread? Wow. Wow. Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiation and Consumptions Operations Manager, Nermit Bucklewood. Hey, team. Hey, Nermit. Hello, Nermit.

Hello. Just everyone here is a flutter. What? What? Is fluttering and flittering around? Did you turn the gravity off? There was a gravity issue. That's separate, but I think it's solved.

Why is everyone a flutter? Also, there's got to be a more professional name for what you're referring to. You're at work right now. No, no, we're all a flutter because Sisu Gundu has found a running mate. Oh. Wait, what? Sisu Gundu was at a disadvantage because Tedronka has announced the running mate of Kitty, the reformed enforcer droid.

What? That's Kitty? Yes. Good choice, right? She's really making a name for herself. Yeah. And IQQ is running with Volm Sunblider. Oh, wait.

Strategically mixed line of service. Yeah. Yeah. old monarchy, also very horny. And Sisu Gundu has found a running mate. Yes! That's fine. That's fine. No, AJ, a running mate is completely a business relationship.

I'm a jerk. I get it. Uh, no, no, AJ. A running mate is like... Oh, you run and you mate. Yeah, I don't think there's a lot of mating. Sisu's finding someone to partner with in her quest to reunite the galaxy. Cool. No, I get it.

No, AJ, it's definitely not. No, that's fine. That's fine. But, you know, Reg, Reg McClorsk really just ticks all the boxes. Reg McClorsk? Wait, who's Reg McClorsk? Reg McClorsk is just ticks all the boxes. Wait, who's Reg McClorsk? Reg McClorsk is Sisu's running mate. You've got to learn that name.

It's going to be everywhere on the yard signs. Sisu and Reg. Reg and Sisu. It just sounds perfect, you know? What about Gundu and McClorsk, Bargy? Does that work? No. Yeah, it's hard.

Gundu and McClorsk sounds Bargy, does that work? No. Yeah, it's hard. Gundu and McClorsk sounds like a law firm. That's true. But that's what the galaxy needs, the rule of law, benevolent law order throughout the whole galaxy, Gundu and McClorsk. So, and everyone. Oh, sorry. Merman? Oh, speak of the angel, Sisu Gundu is here. I just wanted to make sure that I look presentable.

You look amazing. So from a 1 to 10, would you say I look perfect? Yeah, on a scale of 1 to 10, you're perfect. Okay, great. Oh, I'm so nervous. I'm all a flutter. I know. I got the official memo that that's the word we use.

Oh, wow. It really is. Okay. Okay. Now, as you know, he is the perfect running mate. flutter i know i got the official memo that that's the word we use oh wow it really is okay okay now as you know he is the perfect running mate he has all the qualifications there's absolutely nothing wrong with him in fact i am kind of jealous if i wasn't sexually attracted to him whoa i'm not gonna go there professional all right'm so important about that. Professional. All right, AJ, relax. AJ, you can put the gun away. You can't shoot the course. Nothing will ever happen.

He's not here. But that's what makes two perfect running mates. They want to jump, but they just don't. Oh, totally. When you go into that voting booth, you just want to be like, will they, won't they? Exactly. Yeah, totally.

And when I was checking all the boxes, there were check marks past the boxes. They're one of the boxes to to check and you had extra checks. That doesn't sound good. You don't want to have too many checks. Right, robot? Who's with me? I might be with you if you stop calling me just a robot.

Sorry. She really even simplified it even more, AJ. Well, Sisu, do you want to give the- No, I'm not. All right, have fun. Okay. Okay, crew. What's the mission?

Yeah. The mission? He just made us sit through a McClorsk love fest. Did you just call us to, like, get us involved in this will they or won't they situation? I think it's won't they. Who knows? Well, yes, to answer your question, you are involved because your mission is to pick up Reg McClorsk bring him back to HQ

fantastic he doesn't have his own ship? no um it's uh he doesn't check that box? that was literally the one box that wasn't checked Thank you. So where is this great guy?

Where is he? You know? Where is he? Why is he here? AJ, cool it. He's obviously speaking to this crowd. Yeah, AJ, I hate to tell you this, but all this cheering, that's for Reg McClorsk.

He's at the front of this rally right now. You, the voters, have made this possible for me. There's no I in campaign. No, there is. Well, but you know what I mean? That's why I got into this crazy game called politics. For you people. For you and you. And also you behind the wall.

This might be wild. Captain Dark. He's a perfect mix of folksy but also fired up, you know? Totally. There's something about him. I really just trust this guy. Yeah, yeah. I wish we could just snatch him now, though.

I don't really need to hear him thank every single sentient in the crowd. That's part of it. That's part of it, Captain. You know, he's got to connect with everybody. My first grade teacher, Denzia Malinta. Wow, I knew famous for you. What's this? Well, you're here.

Wow, that's nice she showed up. Well, I have you all here. Am I right? I've got a pretty sizable announcement. I'm joining the campaign of Sisu Gundu. And I haven't ruled out possibly marrying her. Wow. Wow.

That's a surprise. A monster. A monster. AJ, come on. We know how you feel about him, AJ. AJ, you need to relax. There's a monster. That's a monster.

AJ, he's not dead. What tactic are you using right now? No, I mean, there's a monster. What tactic are you using right now? No, I mean, there's a monster on stage. Oh. Let's show a little respect. Oh, wait, no. What the heck is this? That is a monster.

Wow. Look at that enormous jacket. You're scaring me. Oh, he's picking a friend. Put me down. Put me down. I think we should, I think we have to intervene, guys. Oh! Well, but look at all these acrobatic youth in primary colored outfits coming. They seem like they know

what to do. Tornado Troopers, assemble! Tornado Troopers, assemble! Tornado Troopers, assemble! Tornado Troopers, assemble! Tornado Troopers, assemble! Tornado Clock! Wah! Huzzah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job! I'm a good job Look at those heroes over there.

Yeah! Flip kick! Loving it! Whoa! I'm loving this. Look at that. We're going to chase you down, monster! Like that!

You're going down! Watch out, monster! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!! Damn! I'm a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a So this planet seems to have a plan for this sort of monster. Look, they're all like... They're really well-formed. Tactical footwork, Papa. Look at that stuff. We definitely have a game plan. McCloyski's kind of getting thrown around like a ragdoll right now. Check out the boxes!

McCloskey's kind of getting thrown around like a ragdoll right now. Check all the boxes. All the monsters. One took Ridge. Two took him. Assault. Those teens are taking off now? I guess so. Except the one.

There's one with us right now. Everyone, go. Go into a safe place. We got this from here! Whoa! Whoa, look at that salute! Whoa! Oh, no!

Where's my team? Oh, they just got out? Oh, no! They're gone. Hey, what's up? I thought we were going to tell everyone to get safe, but I guess they wanted to fight the monster instead. No, that's a good thought.

Can you help us? We're supposed to take Reg McClorsk back. What was that thing that took McClorsk? Oh, they come all the time. They're these monsters, this evil witch sends them down, and we fight them, and then they get bigger later and then honestly I've been off my game today. Can I ask you guys

a question real quick? Okay, I just, can you guys check am I leaking? Can you guys look at my butt? What? Are you leaking out of your butt? Did the monster get you in the butt? Is there like blood from the sides?

Do you guys see blood? Are you bleeding? Are you alright? Yeah, I just got my first period and it's gotten me all crazy. And I just don't know how I'm going to chew this and have a period. So if you see it in green on my hot orange suit, it's... Can you just let me know? It's alright.

It looks good. The green looks good on the orange. Is there green on the orange? Is there green on the orange right now? Not much. Maybe just like if you took a little beaker full of

blue liquid and poured it onto a white pad maybe like that that amount oh oh no oh no i've embarrassed myself it's actually a lot it's actually a lot you didn't embarrass yourself you just you just beat the shit out of an enormous monster who stole your leader i know that was pretty cool yeah while you're on your period you guys yeah you guys don't think I'm weak? No. No, no, no. You literally saved everyone.

I know. What is your name? Yeah. Oh, I'm Timberley. What are your names? I'm AJ. Yeah, I'm Plek. And I'm Dar.

Timberley, can we actually circle back real quick to what you were saying about the monster and how they always get bigger later? Yeah, what does that mean? It's just part of, like, I don't think about it too much because it's just going to happen. So it gets bigger later, and I just need help finding my group. And also, I guess that Freako guy who doesn't do much, just talks to everyone all day. Wait, who? Got kidnapped.

Reg or whatever. Kimberly, we were actually here to see Prime Minister McClorsk. Oh, wait, but how did you describe McClorsk? Ugh, he's the worst. Ugh, gay. He... Ugh, gay.

He's the worst it's like all the older Dardians really really like him and I think it's just because he's very charming but he doesn't do much and he holds these rallies every day and not much is getting done

but whatever every day every day if he's holding rallies but you're the ones actually fighting the monsters I mean it seems like He is every day? Every day. Whoa. No wonder you were so easy to get that. It seems like he's holding rallies, but you're the ones actually fighting the monsters. I mean, it seems like you guys should be in charge, right? Yeah. Hey, what's your team name?

Sounds cool. Like, what's your team name? Because we don't have a name. We're just like the crew. But what's your team name? Because I'm kind of thinking maybe we need a name. You guys have a team name? Yeah, of course.

We're the Torto Troopers. The Torto Troopers? That's cool. We're jucking rocks. Yeah. Torto Troopers. That's cool. Torto Troopers.

Yeah, we form a torto. We go into a shell, and then one person's the head. Ooh, which part are you? Which part are you? I'm the tail. Oh, that's an important part of a tortoise Yeah that helps steer Underwater

Balance is very important Yes Oh your Your wrist is beeping Oh Oh you want me to bring us our coffees. Oh, you want me to bring it? Okay.

Okay, bye. It's Starmonth. Bye. I think Starmonth hung up on you before you could say goodbye. Wait, they're at the coffee shack? They're not fighting the monsters anymore? Is the caffeine for our combat purpose to enhance reaction time in some way? Yeah.

Okay. If you guys want to go to Coffee Shack with me, I have to go get their orders for them. Because I'm the tail and I have to make sure everyone's... Timberlake, maybe this is a stupid thing to put out, but they said they were already at the Coffee Shack. Yeah. But they want you to come and get the coffee for them. There? Yeah.

That seems... yeah but they want you to come get the coffee for them there yeah that seems timberly i don't think you're being respected by the members of the torto troopers it's a lot like how we treat plec because like right now he wants to go to a giant flaming ball of like negative energy and that's not really relevant but it's sort of like one of those things where all of us are like wait what the wheat hole what is it the wheat hole it's the oh sorry i messed up i'm doing so bad in class no no it's just i'm bad in school and i'm just like so frustrated and overwhelmed and i have to go get them coffee. I have a half-calf for Bielsey. Yeah.

I just want half of this. Let me go order. Wait, Timberley? Timberley, wait. Don't order. There's a captain. There's a captain of our crew. Okay.

Maybe you could tell by my amazing costume. Yeah. Timberley, look. Yeah? You shouldn't be treated this way. Even if you are the butt of the torto. Listen, I think we need to confront your friends,

the torto troopers. I don't think you guys should get involved, but I appreciate the... Oh, I'm so sorry, Timberley. It's too late. AJ is already talking to them. No, I just don't...

What's the deal? What is the deal? What are you talking about, bro? No? What are you talking about, bro? What's your deal, bro? My deal is I'm the blue trooper, bro. Well, I think it's jacked up that you're making Timberley get your coffee. Whoa, that's some pretty spicy language for the

torto troopers. Shut up, nerd trooper. I'm not talking to you. Hey, I'm the yellow torto trooper. Back off, buddy. I'm the gray torto trooper. Back off, buddy. I'm the gray torto trooper. Is the gray torto trooper also an adolescent? In spirit. In spirit. He is for sure way older.

He's one of the torto troopers. You also pissed off the fifth trooper. I'm colorblind. What color is my suit? For the last time, it's green, bro. Okay. You're the green trooper. Guys, here's some iced coffee.

What is it, Timberley? What is it? Iced coffee. Iced coffee. Here you go. I got some iced coffee for you guys. Thank you, Timberley. Here's yellow.

Oh, thanks. Hey, what are you doing? I am knocking those coffees out of your dang hands. Whoa, Timberley, what's that giant monster you're hanging out with? Tornado Troopers, assemble! Tornado Troopers, assemble! Tornado Troopers, assemble! Ow!

Ow! Hey, that's our captain. What the jucking hell? This monster's against coffee. My mom said I could drink it. I'm holding out. This monster's trying to get rid of all the coffee in the town. Tornado Troopers, assemble! Hang in! I mean, this is annoying, but I'm loving the footwork, I have to say.

Guys, guys, guys, it's okay! Guys, we gotta chill out. This is our little bit of a short rest that we're doing right now before we fight the big monster. So, let's not keep fighting. Kimberly's right. Yeah. We've got to conserve our energy.

We need to rest our nimble young bodies. That's right, Gray Trooper. We've got to be ready for that monster to come back bigger than before. Red Trooper agrees. You're green, bro. You're the green trooper. Guys, I'm so proud of you. I love being on this team.

And is there a change of clothes? Do you guys have an extra suit I can wear? Because I've leaked all over this one. Oh. Timberley, whoa. TMI. Timberley, not cool. Timberley can't be in the same color suit anyway.

And when someone gets their green, that's a sign that they're aging and there's no oldies here. What? I'm young. I'm so young. Look, I didn't know what the wheat hole was earlier. You're talking about the oldie?

Yeah. Listen, Timberlake, it's important to help save the planet from monsters, but if you're not keeping up with your schoolwork, all is lost. Yeah, education is so important to everybody. You know it is. Timberley, try to carve out two hours after dinner just for studies. Hey, guys, I just feel like ever since I got my green goo,

I just became someone that can't win. Timberley, I don't think it's your green goo that's got you down. It must be this monster that's depressing you. Of course. Torto Troopers assemble! What the hell? You guys are the reason she's depressed. Sounds like something a monster would say. Whoa. I mean, every time I see it, it's awesome.

Dara's really holding their own against those Torto Troopers. Listen, monster. As Torto Troopers, we know that every monster we fight embodies some sort of personal drama that one of the Torto Troopers is dealing with. So if Timberley has a problem with you, we've got a problem with you, too.

Torto Troopers assemble! No! Oh, no! Bop! Bop! Bop! Bop! Oh no! Everyone's been knocked out! What's gonna happen if the monster gets bigger?

Oh no, everyone's been knocked out? Come on, Timberley, these Torto Troopers are the worst. Dara, you hit each of those Troopers like once and they went down. What? You just knocked out their children. Yeah, I was being very gentle if you ask me. They all went to sleep. Timberley, are

they going to be okay? Yeah, their gems need to recharge. I can't fight the monster by myself. I'm just a tail. Hey, Timber, let me tell you something right now. Sometimes the tail, or as I like to call it, the butt, can be the most powerful thing of all. Take this gun, for example.

What? No. No. No, wait, no. Oh, my God. What happened? Timber, you just threw AJ across the coffee shop. And you're holding his barstool. That was awesome.

Timber, you're incredibly powerful. Here's the thing about that gun. That gun was up my butt. Gross. Yeah, it's okay to drop it on the floor. Yeah, that makes sense. Gross. The thing is, it's come from my tail, technically.

It's come from your tail? So my tail is incredibly powerful, Just like your tail is powerful. I don't think this analogy works. AJ, I get what you're going for. It's almost really good. I don't understand this analogy, really. Here at the coffee shack,

we have not too many rules, but really kind of like faulty pep talks are a big no-no. I'm saying that was fine. Not on the list. And knocking out these teenagers was totally fine. Oh, absolutely. So if you could take your pep talks

outside. Sure. Okay. Guys, let's go outside. Thanks. Coming in. Uh-oh. You guys were always saying that the monster comes back bigger, right? Yeah. Like now? Oh, no.

Yeah. Like that? Yeah. The monster, it's bigger. Oh. You said bigger? That's a monster. Oh, no.

You see, that's a monster, right? Right. Can I get an agreement here? Timberley, hold on a second. Why wasn't it just bigger at the beginning? Yeah, they should have just made a bigger monster and he just could have squished him. What's the point of there being like a

normal sized monster first? I don't know. Oh no! Let's go. Let's assemble. The tortoise. Timberley, can we back up for a second? What is this tortoise that you keep talking about? We form into a big torto here. Oh, it's this giant robot.

It looks like a big turtle. Yeah, exactly, a torto. Apartments for each of us. Oh, you guys can see the cockpits up there. Okay. Let's forget it. So we just get in these little elevators and go up into the giant mechanical torto and fight. Hey, Timberley, I just want to back up for a second.

They send a small monster first, but they know you have the big robot torto. I can't explain this to you. If you don't get it, you don't get it. And I don't know what else to tell you. I am sorry. Don't get it. Just don't get it. You sound like an older one.

Okay. That giant monster is now crushing a couple of skyscrapers. Let's argue about this later. Okay, so everyone gets into their respective cockpit. You, you look like a head. You can be the head. Uh, Timberley, this might be a radical suggestion, but maybe you should be the head. Me? The head? Yeah, we've never should be the head. Me? Yeah.

The head? We've never driven a tortoise. No, at all. Okay. I'll control the head and the legs because you guys say so, but we'll see if it works out. Oh, I see. The head and the legs is the same position. Yeah.

Okay. And then you be the right arm. Okay. You be the left arm. Sure. And you be the jaw. All right, jaw, let's do this. And what should I be?

I don't have a job yet. Maybe someone. I still need to separate the tail, right? Oh, yeah, the tail, the most important part. Oh, right, yeah, we can do it. Yes, the most important part. Literally, you got reassigned from the tail like 30 seconds ago, and you already

forgot about it it's crazy it's it's uh you're the lonely being on top let's go and then you go left arm torto clock sure you don't have to do that, I usually do that sound effect. Yeah, I like that sound effect. Yeah, yeah, uh... Left arm, torto clock! Right arm, torto clock! Super snappin' torto jaw!

Torto clock! Clock! Oh no! Uh, torto tail! Torto clock! And eye, head, leg, and brain! Torto clock! Activate!

Hooyah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, clock. And I, head, legs, and brain. Torto clock.

Activate. Wow. That was definitely the blue guy, right? Earlier. He's usually up there. Yeah, he usually is. All right, guys. If you guys are ever feeling off balance, just let me know and I'll tail it up down here.

Thanks. Yeah. All right. Hey, really, lead us. Hey. Real quick. There's a coffee machine in the tail, so if you want to just make coffee for us

and then there's a little chute that you can just send it directly to our... Yeah, those tubes. Okay, cool. Alright, let's go. But also balance, if there's any balance issues, just let me know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the most important part, but also coffee, keep it running, please, thank you.

Okay. Oh, look at that thing. Terrifying. Okay. You have come to defeat me? Win, win, win, win, win. You will not win. Stand down, monster. We're coming to get you.

The only true way is evil, and I will fight for it. Timberland, I'm going to sock him on with his right arm. Yes, sock. And I'm going to kick the monster. Oh, you kicked it. Kick! Nice. I'm snapping the jaw, but I know it's up to you whether you want to reduce the jaw.

Okay, I'll move my head closer to the monster. Do you want to snap the jaw? Yeah. This is generally how it goes. This is generally how it goes. Yeah, yeah. I know we're thundering around in a very big robot suit right now, but if we could show a little caution,

McCorsk is skittering around at the feet of that monster, so, you know, just watch out. Yeah, all right. Yeah, you got it. Man, poor McCorsk. Whoa, I'm losing balance, Tal. What are you doing? I'm making coffee.

I thought I was still doing that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Making five different coffees. You guys all sent your orders. They're all totally different. I'm making coffee. Okay. Okay, monster time. Wait a second. Wait, you're blocking all my moves! Oh, I can't seem to hit you!

Oh, no, I'm losing my confidence! Guys, now is the time! Let's finish him! We've been kicking the shit out of him for like ten minutes, but now is the... Okay, okay! Should we try to crush his hand or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah! time. Let's finish him. We've been kicking the shit out of him for like 10 minutes. Now is it okay?

Should we try to crush his head or something? Yeah. See if you want to come in from your side. Is it cool with him crushing the head and me like jawing at her? Absolutely. Let's do it. Where's the tail involved in this whole situation?

The coffee. Keep the coffee coming. Got it. Yep. Okay. I don't feel good about myself at all. Oh, no. Wow. Oh, there's.

What's happening up there? I can't see anything from the tail. Oh, man. Papa, we just used the fists of the torto to, like, smash the monster's head, and then I used the jaw and I just sort of, like, beating the head and the brain. Yeah, alright.

Oh, it exploded! Yeah! Yeah! They all explode. Wow. So the real monster was a lack of confidence? Yeah. I guess that's what I learned.

I'm a better fighter when I believe in myself. But the monster lost confidence, and then we crushed its head. What's the metaphor for that? If you don't get it, you don't get it. I don't know what to tell you. Okay. All right. Oh, look at that.

McClure manages not to get stomped on. Hey. Well, she really parks the torches. Why don't we go down and talk to her? Yes. It's weird that she can drive it on her own, right? She doesn't need parking. That's very good.

Oh, well. I guess you don't need all that much balance to park. Oh, golly I guess you don't need all that much balance to park. Oh, golly. Thank Rod. You must be the crew here to take me to... Hello. ...see-saw. Hello, Prime Minister McClorskid.

It is a pleasure. Wow. Yes, we are here for you. Oh, jeez. Wow, that was pretty intense. That was wild, right? Yeah. Does that happen a lot?

Oh, all the time. These group of teenagers are trying to kill my monsters and stuff here. So... Wait, what? Say that again? Yeah, these group of... They're like five teenagers with personal problems, and they form into a big turtle.

It makes sense. Does it? If you could just knock them out, drag them, chop them up. Sorry, Rich, did you say your monsters? Yeah, you gotta have monsters to stage big kidnappings. You keep the populace scared, it's great. You said chop up the teens? Yeah, did you see that torto just take out this giant monster I conjured?

Those are the ones I need you to just clobber. Could you just hold on just one second, Prime Minister? Sure, no problem. Okay. Got a coffee? Uh, I do, actually. Oh, thanks. Oh, thank you. Here you go. Uh, guys, um...

One sip? Loud. It's a good cover. Hey, guys, I'm not sure McClure is really Sisu's type. No, that's what I've been saying. No. No, you were right this time, AJ.

How is there anything left in that cup? So we got to take this guy out, right? Timberlake's back. Hey, Timberlake. Timberlake. Hey, guys. What's up? Oh, yeah, that's the one.

If you could just bop her. Oh. Yeah, Reg, I don't think we're going to do that. Listen. What? I think this partnership between you and Sisu is not going to work out. Yeah. Reg, I think you're doing it because you're doing it on a monster conjuring of the crime-fighting teenagers.

Yeah. Huh. Well, in that case, I'm also g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-growing. What is happening right now? Reg is bigger now. Yeah, he's even bigger than the other monster. He's like twice as big as that one. What? What?

I'd love to know how everything's getting so big. If you don't get it, you don't get it. No! You don't stand a chance if it's Mama Metacorps. Oh, guys, let's go right around the corner of this other coffee shack in this part of the town. Uh, right now? I guess we can. What is it?

Let's go around the corner. I'll show you guys. And a mega torto! Can you also keep all your robots just sort of around the corner? Yeah, usually behind coffee shacks. Help me out here. Wait, why didn't we just get in the Mega Torto to begin with? If you don't get it, man, I don't know. I feel like all day you've been hounding me with these questions. But do we control the Mega Torto, or does the Torto control the Mega Torto?

Mega Torto, activate! And then the Mega Torto is going to grab us and put us into their shell. and then the Megatorto is going to grab us and put us into their shell. Mr. Robotman, we're inside the big robot now? It appears that the Megatorto is controlled by the Torto, which is controlled by us. It's Megatorto Clock. Okay. Seems like there could just be the controls that go straight to the big tail,

but I'm not going to ask any questions anymore. Good. Good. Thank you. The weird thing is I have to use the tail of the Toro to control the coffee maker, which is in the tail of the Mega Toro. It just seems like I could cut out the middle part. It's so much more difficult. Are we going to talk about making coffee, or are we going to make coffee? You didn't drink the first coffee I made. Also, the Mega Torto has legs, but then it has tank treads in the feet.

We're moving so slow. I'm a geek. Oh, I just spilled my first coffee. It's the Mega Torska clock. Timberley, there's a button here that says jaw laser. Should I push that or what? No. Okay, so you asked if you should push it.

Now you're pushing it. It's better to ask forgiveness, right? I guess that's fine. I guess we usually only use that mega laser for... At the end? Why wouldn't I just start with the mega laser? I'm sorry. It clearly took out the monster immediately. I did not think the finishing laser was going to come that soon.

Okay, now he's dead. He had one last thing to say, of course, but now he's dead. I would have been fine if it weren't for you dang toy troopers inside your respective appendages, inside even bigger appendages. Ah, zikes. appendages inside even bigger appendages. Ah. Zines. Exploded. Okay, well, do you guys want to see the extra mega tornado?

Come on! Do you guys want to see it? There's another coffee shack. Kimberly, you did an amazing job back there. Yeah, Kimberly. Thank you so much. I feel so confident and so good. I'm like, hey, you guys are here. You guys are up.

Damn, Kimberly. We regained consciousness in the coffee shack. It came straight here as fast as we could. I dreamt in full color. Wow. I thought about watching you. Oh, boy. Are you a teen? I teen every day.

Guys, guess what? I defeated that monster, and it turned out Reg was controlling it the whole time, and then my friends worked the torto with me and the mega torto. You made coffee for these guys? Uh, no. Timberley was in the

head. Whoa. Yeah, guys. But I drive the head and the two legs. Timberley makes coffee in the tail. Well, from now on, I think you can get your own coffee. Oh, take that, Trevin. Don't use my real name when I'm wearing my helmet.

She has so much confidence. Timberley, your newfound confidence is inspiring to me. Yeah, good. Do we stick around for this, or do we... Yeah, should we... Yeah, I think I'm gonna... It was nice meeting you guys, but I have to head home.

Yeah. There's... Timberley, you saved your own planet. Single-handedly. Single-headedly. Yeah. You could also probably mount that mega jaw laser into like a smaller... You could just carry it around and just use that as soon as you saw the first monster.

You have a lot of ideas, don't you, huh? Was this dipshit doing this the whole time? Get the hell out of here, bro. The whole time. Yeah, so, no, the crew explained that McClure's was a literal monster. Right, I know. They're all literal monsters, aren't they? Do you know? He became the size of a building and then exploded into just...

I know, their egos, right? Their egos. Huge. Just sparks. Everyone he put your trust in ends up being a monster. My life story. Right. I should write that down for my biography.

He was 700 feet... Phil, can should write that down for my biography he was 700 feel can you write that down great what would you like me to write down everyone in her life uh turned out to be a monster is your biographer going to be on using my desk great thank you why there are so many biographers who are great who are not slug creatures. It's not right. Nermin, honestly, very rude. I'm an equal opportunity hire. Fair, fair.

I just have to sit in that chair afterwards. Just because I work slower. I work really slow. Nermin, I'm not surprised that he died. You know? Really? While you were gone, I was already thinking about other people who would replace him. You can never put your trust all in one person, Nermin.

If there's anything that you learn from being a teen mom, it's to trust no one. Wow. What? Phil, can you get me a scotch? Sorry, we don't have any scotch. We just have scotch eggs. That's fine. I'll take it.

That's not a great replacement. Nermin, it's okay. I already have a list of eight other candidates I think would be excellent as a running mate. Number seven. I skipped number eight. Number seven is Daryl Dedock. Hi, I'm Daryl Dedock. Thoughts, concerns?

Number six, Felicia Bowie. Felicia's just dancing silently? Yes. So who are these people? Well, like I said, Nermit, you can't trust anyone, but you can trust standardized tests. Oh. Which is why I had a group of 200 people take a standardized test that analyzes their trustworthiness, their future prospects, their sexual chemistry with me, and I brought it down to the next eight individuals.

Perfect. Then we have number five. We have allergy eye drops. Hi, I'm allergy eye... Hi, I'm allergy eye... Hi, I'm allergy eye... Now, let's cut it out. Hold on, hold on. Hi, I'm allergy eye drops.

Hey, allergy, why don't you... Keep them all in there. I want to see the real me. I'm allergy eye drops. I don't know. I'm still on the fence. We'll be right back. They are High-playing tortoise driving teenage renegades They are biting monsters after school but somehow keeping up good grades Five torto jumps give them the strength to torch it to settle any score

With the power of their friendship plus a lot of caffeine they can torch a little more Tornado Troopers assemble Tornado Troopers assemble Tornado Traverse will have to assemble They can't fight until they have assembled They know just what mega turtle round the corner Fired up and ready to go The colorblind trooper's pretty sure that he's green And the gray one's definitely seventeen

If you don't get it, then you don't get it You're probably too old Tornado Troopers assemble Tornado Troopers assemble Tornado Troopers assemble Tornado Troopers still have to assemble They can't fight until they have assembled Corps of Troopers assemble Corridor Troopers assemble

Corridor Troopers assemble This is SeaRed IT5, credits and attributions joined. Commencing outro protocol. Plank Decksetter and the Blue Trooper were played by Alden Ford. C-53 and the Yellow Trooper were played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar was played by Alec O'Kesh. Thank you. Timberley was played by special guest Glo Tavares. Glo co-hosts the podcast Second Best, a D&D adventure. Follow her on Twitter at YOLO underscore. That's Y-O-G-L-O underscore. This episode was edited by Seth Flynn with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Recorded from eight locations in four time zones while experiencing 11 types of anxiety. The original song, Torto Troopers Assemble, was written by Elterfin and Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian symphonic orchestra. Opening chronoration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goiz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

If you're looking for a new comedy podcast why not try the beef and dairy network it won best comedy at the british podcast awards in 2017 and 2018 also i love there were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s specialist bovine ass vet both of his eyes are squid's eyes yogurt buffet she was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life. Farm-raised snow leopard. Download it today. That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast from MaximumFun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one or, weirdly, episode 36,

which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show. Listen, I'm a hotshot Hollywood movie producer. You have until I finish my glass of kombucha to pitch me your idea. Go. All right. It's called Who Shot Ya?, a movie podcast that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes. I'm Ify Whiteyway, the new host of the show and a certified BBN. BBN?

Buff Black Nerd. I'm Alonzo Doraldi, an elderly gay and legit film critic who wrote a book on Christmas movies. I'm Drea Clark, a loud white lady from Minnesota. Each week, we talk about a new movie in theaters and all the important issues going on in the film industry. It's like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner meets Cruising. And if it helps seal the deal, I can flex my muscles while we record each episode. I'm sorry, this is a podcast. I'm a movie producer. How did you get in here? Iffy, quick, start flexing.

Bicep, lats, chest. Who shot you? Dropping every Friday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.

What about Gundu and McClorsk? Barji, does that work? Too hard. Gundu and McClorsk. I had that one. Someone gave it to me. I itched for weeks. Oh boy. What about Gundu 2284? 22884? Fuck.

Don't leave it. It sticks. It stays. You know what that does sound good. AJ, who do you see Sisu with?