Modern Wisdom - #404 - Adam Lane Smith - 13 More Harsh Psychology Truths

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

Adam Lane Smith is a psychotherapist and an author. Adam wrote one of the best threads on Twitter which I've seen this year, our first episode on this ended up being an absolute favourite so here we go again with some more uncomfortable psychology insights. Expect to learn why RedPill alpha gurus are taking advantage of you, why "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a red flag, how men & women bond differently during sex, why needing to be right will keep you friendless and stupid, why you should never tweet for midwits, how women in hookup culture don't realise they're being used and much more... Sponsors: Join the Modern Wisdom Community to connect with me & other listeners - https://modernwisdom.locals.com/ Get a Free Sample Pack of all LMNT Flavours at https://www.drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom (discount automatically applied) Get a $5 discount on Magic Spoon’s amazing cereal at https://magicspoon.com/modernwisdom (use code MODERNWISDOM) Get 20% discount on Reebok’s entire range including the amazing Nano X1 at https://geni.us/modernwisdom (use code MW20) Extra Stuff: Check out Adam's original Twitter Thread - https://twitter.com/TheBrometheus/status/1381710882225328135 Check out Adam's Website - https://adamlanesmith.com/  Subscribe to Adam's YouTube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBO093GsMmnA9tb8lZPhbgg  Get my free Reading List of 100 books to read before you die → https://chriswillx.com/books/ To support me on Patreon (thank you): https://www.patreon.com/modernwisdom - Get in touch. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact/  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bonjour friends, welcome back to the show. My guest today is Adam Lane Smith. He's a psychotherapist and an author, and we are talking about 13 harsh psychology truths. Adam wrote one of the best threads on Twitter, which I've seen this year. Our first episode on this ended up being an absolute favorite, so here we go again with some more uncomfortable psychology insights. I expect to learn why Red Pill alpha gurus are taking advantage of you. Why, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, is a red flag.

How men and women bond differently during sex, why needing to be right will keep you friendless and stupid, why you should never tweet for midwits, how women in hookup culture don't realize they're being used, and much more. Honestly, these episodes where we take a big body of work and we split it up into individual little lessons or modules or insights or whatever and just chew through tons of them. These are some of my favorites because they're really easy to remember.

I find myself coming back to these episodes more than probably any other and I think that's just because of how easy it is to recall whatever you've talked about. So there is so much to go through today. If you enjoy this episode, then please share it with a friend. That is the best way to support the show. The only way that Modern Wisdom grows is from people like you, sharing it with other people like you.

So give it a screenshot and put it on Instagram and tag me at Chris WillX or throw it in a group chat or do whatever you need. Send it to somebody that's in an awful relationship and say, ah, this is all, this is just you. This is your relationship. Maybe if you're a good friend. But now it is time for the wise and very wonderful Adam Lane Smith. You've been everywhere these last few months. I have, man. My fear getting tired from running across the internet so much. Yeah, serious. You're on Mikaily's show and that one crushed it as well.

Oh, man, that one was fun. That one was good too. I launched from you on Michaela and I started doing all kinds of other stuff with people and I started a YouTube channel. I don't even know where I am half the time now. That's unreal. So the last episode we did was based off a huge tweet thread you had about harsh psychology truths. And I've just scraped a bunch of other ones that I want to go through today. What is it? What is it that you're drawing on when you pull out the tweets that you put into that thread? Is it professional experiences? Is it just stuff that you observe in social interactions? Where are they coming from? A lot of it's a blend. So I've done a lot of study. I'm specifically a behaviorist myself with some cognitive pieces of behaviorist. I focus on the

organism and the organism is always right, according to BF Skinner. So if we have a behavior that we're doing, there's a purpose to it. What we have to do is figure out what that purpose is, what is that behavior doing for us. That's what a lot of my tweets are based on is what could this behavior be adapting to and why was the organism right when they did it? A lot of people get really mad when they hear that and they realize what their behavior might be doing and what they might be solving with those things. Man, I've had some mad people. I've even had some politicians from other nations jumping in on that tweet thread talking about how I'm a dangerous lunatic, but you know what? It's helping a lot of people too. You're dangerous.

It pulls from dangerous lunatic that was a psychotherapist for how many years? I'll give up for you. But yeah, I mean, there's a lot of bad therapists. I can't blame them for that, but I know it is what it is. I pull from my research that I've done. I pull from a lot of practical experience. I treated inmates up lot of practical experience. I treated inmates up for the death penalty. I treated multiple murderers, people with mutilated children,

plus just people who are in for like some political crimes. Some of that too, it'd be amazed who's in the jail system. I've treated families in home treatment for people disabled with mental illness. I've treated, and I've treated millionaire entrepreneurs, I've treated homeless people, people addicted to every substance or activity that you can imagine. I've got a lot of experience. So when I'm writing these tweets, it's pulled from resources that I've done and experiences that I've had.

Are they every single one of them, 100% right in every circumstance with no exceptions? Oh, that's not how the internet works. But, you know what, I stand by what I write. Nice, let's get into it, man. So the first one, you're not unlovable, you just don't believe you deserve love and commitment and you pick partners who treat you the way you expect

to be treated, what does that mean? This is the core of attachment. And that's one of the biggest pieces of work that I do now. When we are kids, our brain learns from our parents specifically if we deserve their love and their attention. Mother and father biological, it doesn't matter who else is in the picture. If that is gone, our brain says, I didn't deserve his love or he'd be here with me right now.

If the parents are there, but they're neglecting you, they're abusing you, the brain just as a little kid says, I deserve whatever is happening. I'm causing this. Everyone's responding to me in some way. There must be something wrong with me inside. Everybody else can see that I can't see and I got to act accordingly. So you go out in the world with this belief that you are operating in a deficit with everybody else. So you have to find people who need help so you can help them and earn love from them by doing the right things. Healthy people will see that behavior and they'll see your insecurities and they'll kind of back off a little bit. They might try to help a little bit, but they'll back off because they don't want to form a deep bond with you because it's it's it's almost impossible to build a

lasting a deep bond with you because it's almost impossible to build a lasting, stable relationship with someone like that because the other person is never going to be honest with you or open up to you about what they need. It's going to fracture. This is where the majority of divorces come from. It's a attachment issue. So healthy people back off, but unhealthy people will say, yeah, come meet my needs and you'll mash up that way.

So then you form a self-perpetuating cycle of, everybody treats me like crap, I must deserve to be treated like crap. Oh wait, this new person makes me feel really good because I can earn their love by fixing their problems and making them a star or whatever it is. And you just keep going and going and going and then you build a constant bias

and you look back over your life and so on like me comes along and says, no, that's not right, that's not healthy behavior. There's an alternative. They say, no, there's not. I've been doing this for 35 years and everybody has treated me like crap. Everybody. That's the system. Do people tend to like the opportunity to get love that's contingent? It sounds there. I feel like I am loved because. Or I feel like I am loved because or I feel like I am worthy because I have the ability to fix this person, the ability to help this person. That is the only

thing that they understand. They don't understand that there is unconditional love for them, because they do not believe it's possible, because it did not come from the two people on earth who should have loved them unconditionally. One or both of those people, their parents didn't give them that what they need. So nobody else on earth is going to treat you better than your parents. That's the assumption of the brain. And then they just go out in life and they become adults and they never question the immutable laws that they came to believe when they were kids.

It just never comes up. They never stop and think, why do I think I don't deserve love? It's gravity pulls things down and I'm an unlovable piece of crap. That's just how it goes. How much or how effective is it? Let's say that the father is out of the picture and the mother remarries very quickly. How supplantable is the biological father with another father figure? It's not. He's not. I've seen that many, many times. What has to happen is it must be verbally addressed. You have to take the child aside and help them understand attachment.

When someone understands attachment and what's happening, they can start to question those ideas and they can come to some understanding, a new understanding and heal it. You can heal the child, but that biological father is not replaceable. And it won't just magically, you can't just pop one dead in and pop another dead out. You can't just do that. It doesn't work that way because the brain knows,

somewhere out there is a biological father who is not with that child. And there's a reason he's not with that child. And if he loved the child, now he would be there. And the brain keeps repeating that over and over no matter how much the stepdad is wonderful and loving and caring. You can address it, like I said, and fix it,

take some time, but it's hard. All right, next one. I fucking love this one. Too many red pill alpha guru types take advantage of attachment issues to score cash from wounded men and encourage them to embrace their attachment wounds even further. It turns into a cult of people convinced their wounds are sacred truths. Man, I catch a lot of flak because people come in and say that's not what Red Pill is

about and they're right, it's not. Red Pill is supposed to be evolutionary, psychology applied to relationships so that you can be healthy and love each other, love your wife, love your husband, based on biological imperatives within men and women. That's what it's supposed to be. In effect, when you become a Red Pill guru, to make money off of these people, you say, no, dude, you're right, women are scum, they'll never really love you. They're just there for the things you do for them. So you should just make them do good things for you and take advantage of those insecure women, have sex with them on the first

date, and never call them again because screw them. That's what they're teaching. And those guys come in believing there's nothing better and they hear that message and say, wow, they feel like I feel, but they're turning it around. I'm not the piece of crap. Everybody else is the piece of crap. So it's okay. The eye, they owe me. They owe me this. So they go out and start using that and all that does is create a whole society of damaged hurt women who go back and act exactly the same and those nice guys get hurt and then start looking for the red pill community and say, man, all these terrible things have happened. It's a self-prepreciating cycle between men and women and that's all it is.

You don't stop it until you fix the actual problems, which is not what red pill gurus do to make money. Well, the equivalent of making money off of them. The equivalent on the female side is radical feminism, right? It's not as if Red Pill is the only route to this. There is an equal polarity on the other side of the fence, which is, man, I've gone under some of the Reddit threads. I can't remember what they called.

It's not women's rights. It's not our slash women's rights, but it's one of those. It might be the female Red Pill or something like that. The pink pill or some shit. And you go on there and you think this is just as bad as what you see in some of the men in his manosphere spaces. It is. And you know what?

It doesn't have to be. And my area is, I mean, I'm in touch with all kinds of like masculinity coaches and all the like cringe worthy names that you would have. And some of them are the best men you would ever meet who actually pull men up out of this and say, no, dude, fix your behavior, you're finding bad women because you are a bad man. And they make the men fix themselves. Women, there's some women doing the same thing on their side trying to fix it until you

have that fix between the balance of the sexes and get back to our biological imperatives and understand what they mean and fix them and fix the attachment. How the hell is going to get better? But yeah, man, there's there are grifters on both sides and they are happy to take advantage of those attachment issues. They will take all your money all day long and tell you that what you're feeling is normal and that you should embrace it and get worse so you can pay them more. Man, I can see the allure of it.

You know, in my less gracious moments when I felt jilted or insulted or not wanted or whatever, I can see those areas of me that would become seduced by that sort of talking point. You know, you have this hurt man who feels like the world has done him wrong and it's much easier to create a conspiracy around an entire gender that this is women at large as opposed to maybe you just chose a shitty one man or maybe you just rolled a bad hand. Maybe it was unfortunate look or poor timing or maybe the particular combination of circumstances a little bit of view and a lot of them

or a lot of them and whatever. That caused a bad situation to come out of it. And for some reason, it's more comforting to believe that this is a pandemic at large that only affects one half of the population. It's, you know and and both sides say it both sides feminist say every man is a potential rapist and and men say every woman is a potential divorce rapist should call your money

we both sides do it there's a lot of money in it there's a lot of political power in it both political parties are deeply invested in these more in these things then whole nations are turning on these ideas. It's not just the internet, it's the world right now. Yeah, there's a meme culture, so fucking smart, man. I'm sure that you'll have seen this one. It's these two dudes, these two black illustrations of guys with beards.

And it says, a woman hurt me and I never made up about it. We should call ourselves alpha males. And then they just walk away. Are you think, fuck man, like, the main problem that I have with the red pill space is that almost none of the guys that are in that space look to me like the alpha males that I would want to follow. None of them embody the sort of actual genuine,

integrity, trustworthiness, honor, sensitivity, genuine masculinity. None of the guys embody that. It's just, I don't know. It's the equivalent of a girl replacing beauty with a boob job and lip fillers. You know, it's all front no substance. Does that make sense? Very much. Absolutely.

Because the understanding Red Bill, it's really just evolutionary psychology. That's apply. That's all it is. Taking it on and saying, I am a Red Pill man means you have got stuck there. If you get out of a bad relationship, you should learn evolutionary psychology about what women actually biologically want from you and about attachment. You should learn those things. Red Pill is right now the only place where men can speak.

These old truths that fathers would have said to their sons like, well son, let me tell you about women. Red Pill is the only area men can go to hear that now because we don't have relationships with their father or grandfathers or uncles anymore. We don't have male only spaces. Red Pill is the only area where they can do that. So they go there and they learn these things. And the men who are good and healthy, I shouldn't say good people, but they're healthy, they move on. They learn it and then they move on into something else and they move into their church system or they move into an honor culture with an honor tribe online.

They move into masculinity groups instead of red pill groups. They move into married men support groups where they're building each other up. Good ones. They move into fraternities groups where they're building each other up. Good ones. They move into fraternities and things like that. They don't get stuck and say, I'm a red pill man. When you do that, that means you really are stuck and you really need to move out of that group. It's a good on ramp, but it's not the highway. And we can replace red pill with extreme feminism.

And you basically get the exact same situation command. Have you looked at Black pill or the in-cell coach a much? You know, I've worked with a lot of them. I know a lot of them, not that like in-cells a movement. But I mean, I know a lot of dudes who are in-cell. I know a lot of dudes who are Black pill.

Those can be two different things. It hurts when they're going through. And I understand a lot of it is built on a lot of its built on attachment issues, not all of it, but a lot of in-self things are built on attachment issues and they don't understand how or why. And they do need applied evolutionary psychology to understand like why are women not attracted to me? Well, let's talk about that. Let's talk about what women biologically want and then let's talk about the culture of things that are also in tune. And we can get your girlfriend, man.

I teach courses. I teach students how to get girlfriends. And it works like that. How to get married. I had one dude I taught him how to get married. He went from, man, I don't know how to do this. He got married like three, like, man, he got engaged three months after I taught him.

He got engaged and he got married. They've been happily married for years now. Like you can learn this and apply it. And it's not that hard. But the black pill stuff, man, and giving up. It hurts. It hurts to see, because it doesn't have to be that way. Learn attachment, learn evolution and psychology, and then find an actual tribe of quality men that you can connect with, and you won't feel that way anymore. Because you'll start building with other people. Don't be alone anymore.

Clear all the obstacles out of the way from being that make you feel alone. Or if you don't know how to do that, talk to somebody. That's the other piece. Men, our brains were solution machines and we can only pump out solutions with data we already have. If you don't have the data, you gotta talk to another man who has solved the problem,

get the data from him and he'll give you that data and you build a solution. That's how our brains work. Our brains, men's brains, we're like the internet. We're supposed to share solutions. If you don't, yeah, you're going to get stuck. What it made me realize thinking about Red Pill and Black Pill is I had Namakate Son who did a ton of research into the Insel community. And in these Black Pill communities, which are basically nihilism, for anyone that doesn't understand it, it's kind of like relationship nihilism for men,

typically. And what she said was that anybody that suggests any small hint of ascending, which would be a girl in a coffee shop smiled at me today. It's not even going for a date, or I got a girl's number, it's any tiny little sliver of attention from the female gender. That as soon as you do that, as soon as you show in any of these forums, these black

pill forums that you may have had a little bit of attention, as soon as you show that, that's you out, you're ostracized from the group. And the reason for that is that it gives undue, the subtext for the reason for that is it gives undue hope to the other people in that group. Well, if this guy has managed it, then maybe so am I. And it's a, how do you say, it's a loyalty, it's a show of loyalty that you're not prepared to try and ascend, right? It is a sacrifice for the group. Look, I am putting the interests of the group over the interests of my own happiness. And I think in Red Pill, it's almost the same that it's a commitment to seeing women as a means to an end, to committing to this particular narrative around them being gold diggers or being able to move from man to man very, very quickly. Dude, like the world that these guys exist in seems very,

very detached from mine. I spent a lot of time around a lot of girls, all of whom are in that single party girl mode who are about to move into becoming someone that wants to get married and settle down and have kids. A man like when those girls find the guy, they, everything gets switched off. I've seen the biggest sluts that have worked for us, that have just a different guy every night of the week, they would be moving between different parties, different groups, and then as soon as they find someone that they care about, that mode just gets killed. I'm like, this isn't the case, but when you're in a community, there's an echo chamber

of that, and you're probably not spending a whole lot of time in the real world to disprove these ideas, that's all that you can see. And you know what, most of those women in that party motor there, because it's attachment issues. They're there because that's all they know. That's all they know how to feel good and get attention. They're using sex to get love. Most women, I mean, those are the visible women. That's the problem. Those are the visible women. You know where most women are? They're at home.

They're families. They're watching TV. They're knitting. They're coloring. They're playing video games. They're petting their cat. They're sitting with their family and having a good time. That's where most women are.

And you will not be introduced to those good women because the people you know are going to look at you as a disaster, not you. But I mean, red pill dudes and black pill dudes. Other women and your family and friends aren't going to say, Hey, you should meet this wonderful woman I know who is like 22. She's never, ever had a boyfriend. She's just sweet and she just wants to be a mom. They're not going to say, Hey, dude, you're like smoking pot. You don't have a job. All you do is yell and complain about women and you're trying to bang all these women in the club.

I should introduce you to this great young woman I know. No, that's not how the game works, man. So you're only gonna see these visible women at the club, you're like, she's sleeping with somebody every night. Why am I the only man in town she hasn't slipped with? You know, and that's not a great place to be. But yeah, man, when women know, they know,

when women see you and they see that your value They attach to you with claws and they will never ever let go and they will sleep outside on your front porch until you open the door When a woman really loves you. That's how far they go And I know this because I've been with my wife like 14 years and if I tried to walk out the door she would handcuff me to her It is women know And when they get in good relationships, they start to heal. They instinctively build self-correcting networks.

A healthy woman instinctively builds self-correcting networks. They just do. Especially once they have children, then they really start building self-correcting networks. Suddenly attachment problems that you both had in the beginning of the relationship are now a problem. And she starts looking at you as the threat to the kids,

because the kids aren't building good attachment with you. That's why we're a lot of divorces come in when women become moms, most women, they want to fix their attachment issues, but they don't know how, and now they're angry at you for having attachment issues. Yeah, I mean, this fix your attachment issues, it doesn't happen.

This came up in the first episode where you said that a lot of issues that women have in marriages where there's kids isn't necessarily to do with their relationship with the father, it's the father's relationship with the children, that the woman is now being very protective over the kids life and she sees that the man is not being the father that she wanted and that causes a defense mechanism to kick in which actually creates friction between man and woman. That's what I tell men, when your kids are like 10 years old or 12 years old or even teens and she's going at you and it looks like she wants to kill you and she's mentioning

divorce, there is no way on earth you can fix your relationship with her unless you fix your relationships with your kids first. And if you fix your relationships with your kids first, that automatically just about fixes the relationship with her. Because all of a sudden, all the problems she had with you is now great. And the kids are talking about how great you are. And she sees you with them. And her oxytocin starts flowing.

Or dopamine starts every time she looks at you and the kids. And they are laughing and hugging you and smiling, her brain automatically makes her like you more because you are good for those kids. This is what Redpill should be teaching. This is applied evolutionary psychology. It's all it is. Her brain releases dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, all kinds of bonding chemicals when she sees you with the kids and the kids are happy to be with you.

If you can fix that, man, that's like putting your marriage on easy mode. If you put, if you're relationship with your kids as rocky or distant and the kids are nervous and anxious all the time, then you're putting your marriage on hard mode, then it's good luck getting a smile out of her. That would be a man's monosphere movement that I would totally, totally get behind. If it was more to do with, okay, how do we make a marriage as sick as possible? Like, how do we make a marriage as awesome as easy as possible? Because, you know, end of the day, that's kind of what men would like. We still got other shit that we want to try and do with it.

But, you know, the goals in the gym or the sport team that we play on a weekend or the bike that we're obsessively fixing when we get home from work, being able to do, okay, how do I make the marriages as easy and comfortable? And also because you care about the partner and so on and so forth. Yeah, man, that would be someone out there should create a branch off of Red Pill

that is about married men becoming better married men. And the same for women as well, you know, understanding evolutionary psychology and not just this tribal hatred. Right next one, next one. This is, do this tweet of yours when fucking berserk. Reminder that your kids should leave home at 18 is a siaop by the central banks to make 10 extended family members pay 10 rents, mortgages, 10 sets of utilities, 10 car payments and 10 of every item needed for a home plus entertainment and stress relief to cope with being alone.

What's this all about? Man, people lost it at this. People aren't meant to live alone. We're not meant to have a studio apartment where we never see our family. COVID has made that clear, I hope, to most people that we're not meant to live completely isolated from everybody else. Does that mean you have to live in a one-room shack with 50 family members? Well, no, there's a balance point and everybody, every family has a balance point, but making it the culturally understood norm

that every single family is gonna split off into nuclear family and the kids will instantly leave it 18 that you should throw them out or they have failed and you have failed as a parent. Making that the system, man, look at our society right now. What would our society look like? Assuming healthy attachment attachment if we fixed all of the attachment problems and so families could honestly lovingly communicate, meet

each other's needs, and we're in a bunch of cold, brutal jerks to each other, I'm looking at the boomer generation, if families actually loved each other and cared about each other and did what was right for each other instead of just for themselves. Imagine living in a big collective group in a big house like 40 acres, maybe two or three houses, living all together in a small family village, basically. Yeah, you could even have your own space. You could even build five houses on one property. And you have five nuclear families all within spitting distance of each other. So when you, as it grows a new parent, are exhausted, you can call your mom over and she's like,

oh, yeah, okay. Oh, sister or auntie or grandmother. Or sister or auntie or grandmother. Look at kids, man, if your dad dies and you don't have a dad to raise you, your dad, let's say you have a comeback, dad, and he leaves. You have like five uncles and a grandfather. Five other sorry, good fathers.

All of whom are actually genetically invested. And all of them if they have good attachment can come to you and say, right, man, let's talk about your dad and let's talk about why his choice is not your fault. And they fix that attachment with you. And you grow up knowing how to be a man and how to love women and care for women.

And they are, and they're your red pill group. They say, let me tell you about women and how to have a good, loving, healthy marriage. It fulfills you and your wife at the same time. So you can raise good, healthy children. Matt, that was normal, normal a hundred years ago. Everything I'm talking about was normal a hundred years ago. Let's go back 150 years ago.

I'm here in the United States. Civil war era. Man, families lived either together or they split up in tiny tiny nuclear families on adjacent farms. People didn't even travel more than like 20 miles from their home in their entire life. Most people, they stayed close for a reason. Family businesses, family jobs, you didn't take on debt about 100 years ago. Central banks really took over really hard. We had a lot of changes, and all of a sudden it became a debt system. And we look at the 1920s.

We look at the rise of credit, the credit system. Look at the rise of basically sanctioned gambling with the stock market. In the 1920s, nose dived hard, and they said, yeah, that's a problem. Let's just keep doing the same system, but take even more control, undo it even more. Families and attachments broke and broken, broken, broken till it became. In the 1960s and 70s, screw the old people. They don't know what's right for you. You should take all the money for yourself and get out from under their thumb so you can have sex in your car, Walmart, not Walmart, it was a diner back then. You can have sex in your car at Walmart with you know, not Walmart It was a diner back then you could have sex on on the cliff

I'd make out point with your girlfriend and you could do all the cool stuff screw the old people They just don't want you to be happy and that's that messaging hit and hit and hit and hit and hit everywhere in every part of our culture Not by accident Man, you look at all the things that they've done over the last, even the last 50 years. It's horrible, and it's really beneficial for the people who profit off of it. It's really beneficial to have, kick your kid out at 18, have them be miserable, put them on antidepressants, have them get fat and miserable because they're coping with sugary foods, put them on more medications, blood pressure medications at 30, put them on insulin, put them on everything, put them in front of a TV screen because they have no friends, so they just stream and stream

and stream, they'll pay for all of your services, they'll pay for endless, escapist entertainment, and they'll just sit there pumping cash into the system over and over and over until they die. That's the system right now. That's why we have a suicide epidemic. That's why we have overdose epidemics, a drug epidemics. Did you know, I was reading the news the other day, heroin addicts here in America are getting pretty nostalgic for actual heroin because fentanyl is covering the market so hard and it's so hard to find good old fashion heroin that isn't going to kill you as much. Far from just going to be like a vintage hipster culture for heroin.

Heroin classic. It's like coke classic. Yeah, the only one. Because we all love needles nowadays. So I am, I think I messaged you about this a while ago before you did that tweet, saying how strange it is that we don't have pan generational houses anymore. You know, that you have like a, like a commune or whatever. And you know, I've got a lot of wanderlust I'm out here in Austin at the moment in Texas from the UK

because I like to go to different places. But if you had a hub, if you had a large family center, that doesn't mean that individual people can't go off and live their own life, but it creates a home base that's significantly more stable than just, oh well, that's Mom and Dad's house. I go back at Thanksgiving or Christmas each year. Correct. Here in the United States, it's even worse than that house. I go back at Thanksgiving or Christmas each year. Correct.

Here in the United States, it's even worse than that. You buy a house, you raise kids. The moment there are the house, you sell the house, and you move into a one bedroom room. You've been downsized again, yeah. Then you don't even have a family house anymore. That old song, you can't go home. Well, you really can't go home in America

because they've torn down your house. Sleeper than a family house. Sleeper than a family house. Or someone else's living there, shooting up heroin heroin old classic heroin Yeah, old-school heroin right next one. I love you, but I'm not in love with you is a recipe for five divorces What do you think what do people mean when they say I love you, but I'm not in love with you? Typically it's women who say it and typically what it means is I don't respect you

It means I love you like I would love a helpless child, but I don't respect you as an actual man because you're not a strong provider. You have no honor and you have no staying power with any of your words. So I can't trust you. So I don't feel romantic love towards you. That's really what that's code for. So if your wife ever says I love you, but I'm not in love with you. It means you are not a high quality man, and I don't trust you. That's what that means. Point blank. Saying it means she and he both don't understand what's actually going on, because we don't say, you know, I want to love you and be in this marriage, but I just don't respect you, and that's making it hard. So if he is a man who can't engender respect from women, and if she doesn't know how to phrase it that way, yeah, that's five, that's five divorces right there before you actually learn what's wrong. And this is a man who's not sticking to his words, who's untrustworthy, lack of integrity, lack of honor. Man, attachment does that because you have to play everybody else's game and make everybody else happy, which means you have to be the perfect nice guy, which means you have to be a cardboard cutout with no opinions, no values,

no honor, no nothing, all of that would get in the way of making everybody else like you. So you got to have nothing, and it's impossible for a woman to respect a man like that, which means she's going to have a zero sex drive, at least after the initial opening phase of the relationship to attract you. Her sex drive is going to nose dive, and she's going to hit you with. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. And I'm in love with this other dude over here. Next one.

During sex, men and women bond differently. Women experience assertive oxytocin during orgasm, which binds them to their partner, but research indicates men don't experience the same bonding response. Men have far much more vasopressin receptors than women, and they don't appear to experience as many large oxytocin events like female orgasm, vaginal birth, breastfeeding. Men may bond more through vasopressin. What's all this?

Vatopressin is an older hormone that predates oxytocin in the human species, in the mammal species. Oxytocin joined into the mammal species. Our oxytocin receptor seemed to have formed when mammals began to lactate. Lactation is oxytocin in a big way. They allowed women to give vaginal birth and experience a lot of oxytocin, which is why a lot of women who plan to adopt their baby out at birth instantly can't because now they're in love with the baby. They've got a flood of oxytocin through vaginal birth and the first time they breastfeed, every time they breastfeed, they get a flood of oxytocin.

The baby gets a flood of oxytocin. The woman also experiences a flood of oxytocin during orgasm. She gets oxytocin when holding hands, when talking, when cuddling, sharing feelings, oxytocin flood. Men don't really get that. We do have some oxytocin, but men seem to have a lot more vast of press in which is stress. It's you and me, we hate each other's guts, but we have to feed our family, so we go out together and we hunt a mammoth and kill it, and we realize we can rely on each other, and now we are bonded for life, all of a sudden we're best friends because we kill the mammoth. It's two dudes being mad at each other and beating the crap out of each other.

And then at the end of it, the other one dude offers his hand, picks the other guy up, they off the ground, they shake hands, and they are best friends for the rest of their life. That is vassupressant. It's bonding through stress, and it happens. And we men, we bond better through stress, which is why when a baby is born, born a newborn baby the fathers don't usually bond with a newborn baby right away they love the baby but they don't feel close to the baby until they can start teaching their child things a little bit of stress and applying a solution solving a problem together bonds them with that child and bonds them a child to them so men during sex experience vasopressin when we are solving a problem together so if the woman is really vocal about how to give her an orgasm and says, here's what

we're going to do. And he says, yeah, let's do that. He will do it. And he will feel really bonded to her because they achieved her orgasm together. If he sets out, he's like, all right, tonight we're doing 100 orgasms. And she says, I don't want 100 orgasms. What he hears is, I don't want to solve problems with you. And so he goes, oh, you don't want to under dorgasms. What he hears is I don't want to solve problems with you. And so he goes, oh, you don't want any really? Well, I don't want no one. But it goes back and forth. A lot of

women think they're giving a burden to the man when they say, hey, I need this to orgasm. Hey, more of this, less of this, do this. They think they're going to be a burden. Really, men love it. And I'm sure you can att test. Men love it when women is vocal and engaged and giving feedback and telling you, hey, do this. Hey, don't do that. Hey, more of this. And it's like, yeah, and the vast suppressing floods. So he gets vast suppressing at the end.

When he orgasms, it's a culmination of all of that. So he gets a vast suppressing flood. It doesn't work if she's just laying there like, all right, we're going to make this about you. Just do what you got to do. I'll just close my eyes and think of England. And it just doesn't work if she's just laying there like all right, we're gonna make this about you Just do what you gotta do. I'll just close my eyes and think of England And it just doesn't work that way. So it's a combination. It's a combination of pawn and an Ikea how to put it together manual That's the optimal Blends there you go swinging swinging from the chandelier screaming at the top of your lungs. Yes, go for it

No, it's um, it's just introducing a little bit of stress. It's team building exercises. It's doing something fun where you will together are solving a problem. If you give your man a problem to solve during sex, he will solve it and he will feel really great and he will bond to you the way that you were born. But like if you need, if you need the backend of your website reconfiguring, if you need to reprogram some codes during sex, that's also what's exactly during during sex. That's also a term. Exactly. During.

During, just put the laptop on your back. You can go ahead. Yeah, well, I remember, again, one of my favorite lessons that you gave us in the first episode was the men that were coma toast during the Second World War and then got up and started driving ambulances and fire trucks because they were given a purpose and the ability to achieve that purpose. And that was such a motivating force for men. And this, am I right in saying that it's not precisely the same mechanism, but it's a similar sort of process that men are going through. Problem, problem requires solution. I'm a person that does things not

people. I'm a person that needs to fix problems as opposed to just dwell on them. Big time, big time. It's also why men during war bonds so hard with the other men in their squad, even if they were only together for a year, they are lifelong friends and they can pick right back up. People in their 85 years old and have a reunion, this is wise because they've vasopressib bonded to those men so hard if women can learn to stress bond with men a little bit better Man, you're gonna have him in your life forever That's then the opposite is also true if you don't stress bond him to you at all Those are the women who get really really powerful feelings because for their oxytocin flood from their

orgasming with their one night stand dude from Tinder and he ghosts And he goes, sir, and she's like, I thought we had a connection. Well, no, you had a chemical connection, and you didn't chemical connection him to you at all. So he's gone. But the women who come out and say, I'm gonna make sure you never forget me. And they put, and that right, there is a stress statement.

But you put him through a little bit of stress. He really never will forget you. He'll be bonded to you for life. Needing to be right will keep you friendless and stupid. I have learned that myself. On the surface, it's just arguing being argumentative and needing to be right, but needing to be right also covers never asking questions. It covers never saying, no, I've never heard of that. Tell me about that.

It covers never saying, hey, could you teach me more about that? You seem really smart. It covers all of that. If you automatically assume you are right, or if you at least have to express to other people that you are right, so that you don't look like an idiot, you will always be an idiot, and you will have no friends. Again, Vassipresen bonding men bond through teaching each other also. So, asking another dude, hey, no, I've never heard of that. Can you tell me more? Vassar Press and Bond and you're going to learn at the same time. The dumb thing about conversations is that you know almost all of the stuff that you're going to say every so often you link together different concepts

that you never have done before. But that's usually in a conversation that's a back and forth. And like, you know, I, I can't switch that off now. It's been trained through this fucking podcast and now I've become infected so that I ask, I ask far too many questions, even when there's not a microphone on it. But you know all of this stuff that you already know. You don't know any of the things that the other person knows. So oddly, the most selfish thing that you can do in a conversation is to be selfless and ask a ton of questions. You end up gaining all of this information from whoever else it is.

The only problem, or one of the reasons I can see perhaps why people don't fall into this routine, is that they're friends with people that genuinely don't interest them. The friends with people out of convenience is opposed to an actual bond or them being a high value firm. And that can be part of it is attachment. If the belief is that there's something wrong with you deep down that nobody else, everybody else can see and you don't know what it is, you never want to expose your lack of knowledge. You have to constantly say, yeah, I totally know what that is.

I really know what that is. And you don't say, hey, can you teach me? Because the other person will say, you don't know about that. Yeah. They're going to say, no, I'm not going to spend the time teaching you. It's the constant fear of rejection and fear of abandonment, which ultimately turns every conversation into a game of, if you ever play guitar hero where you've got to hit all the buttons perfect to get the right outcomes, it's just you pushing the right buttons

to make the other person like you at every single step. That's all it is. So it's not even a conversation. It's you playing a video game on the other person and the other person trying to talk to you, which is why healthy people don't really like to talk to people who have attachment problems because it's not a conversation. It's not like this. It's not back and forth. It's not fun. It's somebody else playing a video game on you and treating you like an object. The first time I ever heard this was Eckhart Tolle and he said that people who can't bear to be

proved wrong are worried about ego destruction that they see being shown to be wrong as complete dissolving of what they are internally. And yeah, the more that you can ask a question and say, actually, that's, I don't even know what that is. I've never heard of that before. How does that work? The more that you get yourself into the routine of feeling like somebody that can be wrong without feeling fear. And I will say this, if a man says that to you, you get a chance to teach him,

you've asked a press and bond by teaching him. So asking those questions, especially if other men, makes them like you. Yeah, man. Next one, young women, when they're single, I'm a fierce tiger made of unicorns. No man can tame me. Young women in a relationship. I'm so worthless. Nobody loves me. Please don't leave me. If this is you, this is a sign of broken attachment. Heck yeah, this is women who have broken attachment because outside of our relationship, they have to constantly signal that they're strong and that they have no weaknesses and nobody can help them, no one can tame them, no one can stop them.

It's a fear projection. It's in nature, it's a bird fluffing up to the five times at size so the predator won't eat it. It's messaging to themselves to cope with the pain of having lost relationships. Well, they just couldn't handle me. If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. It's that messaging all over again, but the moment they bond with somebody, an oxytocin bond, the way oxytocin works is if you have not had much of it,

especially in a childhood with neglect or abuse, your brain shifts to be very jealous and protective of what does give you an oxytocin bond. So if a man gives you orgasms and love and care, all of a sudden you shift to be very paranoid about losing that attachment bond at an oxytocin. And if you have bad attachment, you believe you are playing in a constant deficit all

the time. So you have to earn his constant love and approval by being perfect all the time and never, ever bothering him, which means never challenging him, never stressing him. So he'll never have a surprise in bond to you. So this bond just never happens. It overhappens on your side and it underhappens on his side and just destroys you. And that's the women who are ragingly furious

and angry and strong outside of relationships and completely crumble behind closed doors and will do anything for their man no matter how many principles of theirs it violates. That's why that happens. Yeah, we all know this, right? We all know the girl that is a real hard ass when she's single, I don't need no man. And then I don't know.

It's so bad because hypocrisy and calling out somebody for their own lack of self-awareness is so inherently satisfying. This is one of the problems that we have with people that are up themselves on the internet that you have a catalog of pretty much everything that you've ever said. And if you start to turn against that without calling it out and going,

actually I was wrong about this thing. I thought I was whatever whatever and now I'm not. If you just continue on and start to contradict yourself, people adore calling out hypocrisy. They absolutely love it. And the problem that you have in a situation like this is if you have a woman that's a real hard ass when she's single and a real soft touch when she's in a relationship, no one really feels much empathy for them because they haven't called out. Actually, I thought that I was a strong woman

that don't need no man. And now I'm really, really happy in this relationship. And for anybody else out there that feels the same, maybe you should sort of consider that this could be a good room for you as well. That's the sort of thing where you go, wow, this person's actually identified that they were in the wrong, they've now given a piece of advice

to other people, yep, there we go. identified that they were in the wrong. They've now given a piece of advice to other people. Yep, there we go. But when you just flip from one to the other, there's no sympathy there. No. And the two distinguishing pieces are when a woman has healed her attachment in the relationship, she will say, man, I was so wrong. And when she has not healed her attachment in the relationship with the attachment issue persists, she will start getting defensive.

No, I'm still totally an independent woman, and it'll start to really impact her brain because she's trying to hold a paradox in her brain. She has cognitive dissonance. I'm a hard independent woman who can't bear even five minutes away from my boyfriend. And it just rips her apart, and it rips the relationship apart too.

She'll start to resent him for making her weak. She'll start to resent the people who pointed out to her. She'll try to hold both in her head, and it just, it destroys her. Those are the women who need sympathy the most, but they engender the least sympathy because, like you said, the hypocrisy is there, they're defensive, they're angry,

and they can't seem to stay loyal to either side. They look like they have no loyalty at all. In fact, what's happening is they have so much loyalty and so much desperate love that they don't believe they deserve any love back. That's such a good point. The fact that they're the ones that need the most sympathy, but cultivate the least. So interesting. Right. Love is not a feeling. Love is taking consistent action that's truly best to someone, especially when it's against yourself interest. The more it costs you, the greater your love. If you feel affection, but never sacrifice for that person, you only like the idea of loving them.

Man, I think of my kids. I think of my kids. I'm a father, which means I'm going to sacrifice for my kids. There's times where my kids, man, they're like one of my kids is three. If she gets mad, she'll yell, she'll throw toys. Usually not, she's usually pretty well behave, but when she's tired, when she has a bad day, I can either vent my anger at her and feel good by myself, yelling at her and screaming at her, or I can tone it down. I can put myself aside. I can put my own dopamine levels aside and say, let's not worry about me right now. Let's worry about taking care of you and give her the love and attention she needs and teach her gently the way that she needs to learn so that she can behave better. That right there is sacrifice. That right there is love. It love

is an action. I am loving my child. I feel affection toward my kid, but love is not proven until you actually do something about it. If I just scream at my daughter all the time and start screaming, you're a brat, I can't stand you. Why are you doing this to me? Why would you treat me this way? Well, she's three. I'm not three. I'm supposed to be the parent I'm supposed to love her and give her that love. If she's doing something bad and I just say, oh, that's okay, sweetie. I'm also not loving her. I'm being affectionate in my heart.

I have affection for her, but I'm spoiling her. I'm ruining her life. Love is action. If you love somebody, then you must prove it. You must do it. Love is, it's a verb. To love is a verb. People don't get that.

There's a lot of people out there who think they're the best parents on earth because they tolerate their kids. There's a lot of parents out there who think that they're the best parents because they tolerate what their kids do and they resent their kids for the sacrifices they have to make. I never, I should say, I don't know, I'm going to say this carefully, so I'm honest. There are times when parents might resent, they might be, you have to catch yourself and realize that you are being a piece of crap and a selfish person and you are not loving your child. By resenting your child, you are not loving your child, even in your heart,

you are not loving your child. You have to choose to love your child. Same thing in marriage, same thing in friendships, same thing in every relationship. You must choose to love somebody or you only like the idea of loving them. You like the idea of being a loving person. You like the idea of being a good parent. More than you are willing to be a good parent. And that's it. Love is action. If you don't take action, you don't love. This is related to another one that you did. Step one isn't to figure out the solution. It's to shut down your emotional right brain and restore energy to your logical left brain so you can process the situation in a calm way.

Right. So, and I don't know if my camera's averse, but the right side of your brain is emotion and creativity and all kinds of stuff. The left side of your brain is logic. It's math. It's also language, things like this over here. Your brain only has so much energy between it, between the hemisphere, to jump back and forth and have ideas and make connections. When you become emotional, it diminishes the logical brain to fuel an angst, a storm on this brain.

So it's rapidly connecting all the feelings and figuring out how to fix it. Now you're right brain, all it's good force, figuring out how to maximize your pleasure and minimize your pain for the next five seconds. If you are emotional, that's the brain you're thinking with and this brain is logically diminished. If you take a brain scan of someone who's very emotional, it looks like North and South Korea at night. One is lit up and one is dark and it gets worse the more emotions you experience. And especially if you've got trauma, if you've got things like that, it gets worse and worse and worse.

So when you are triggered by something troubled, bothered, whatever the problem is, the problem is you shouldn't be solving it when your brain's like this. You need to calm yourself down so that your brain restores logical functioning. And then you'll start thinking longer term than five seconds. You'll start saying, what should I do long term? What are my principles? What are my long term goals? What do I actually want to accomplish here for the relationship? Instead of maximized pleasure, minimized pain for five seconds.

That should be your first step. Whenever you are upset by something is to restore logical functioning, the solution will come to you after that. This one is something I think should be a disclaimer above every person's Twitter. Twitter is too short for specifics. Generalizations have to suffice. Midwits can't abide generalizations. They'll point out every exception and demand you tweet a full thread.

Then they refuse to read full threads. Don't tweet for midwits. They're not your audience. And it's true. And I say midwits, that's maybe in kind of a jerk. What I mean is those people who don't invest in understanding, because there's people who are beginners into and onto any topic, there's people who are advanced and enter any topic, and there are people who are right in the middle who are trying to fair out what exceptions exist to the rules. Those are the people who go and in the middle who are trying to fair out what exceptions exist to the rules Those are the people who go and say well

You say this for men and women, but I knew a woman once who wasn't that way so you are wrong You are completely wrong and they get angry at you for not tweeting 50 different tweets after your one tweet and you need 50 different tweets with every possible exception listed that any human could ever make. And they demand it and they get upset if you don't, and they think they have won the argument and proven you wrong, this imaginary argument they're having with you. Don't tweet for those people.

Number one, I mean, sometimes they aren't, I don't wanna say sometimes they aren't intelligent enough to understand it. Usually they don't understand the topic enough to understand that picking out all the exceptions does not make you a smart person. They aren't willing to generalize and accept like this is for most people, some things aren't for you.

Some things are not for you. And if you imagine everything on earth has to be for you, maybe fix you. But what do people fucking think? Did they think that this 280 character post was going to cover every different anomalous situation for all of time? No, obviously not. And actually, should be banned on Twitter. Actually, any tweet that begins with the word

actually should just be immediately censored. Because, yeah, you can just mute that person. You can't mute that person from then on. Obviously, obviously it's not meant, I've had to sacrifice specificity for brevity online. The reason that tweets do well is because they're pithy and because they're sort of snappy and they sound cool and they have got a sense of generalization.

If you want to come in as the guy that identifies the fact that there is actually an outline to this situation, what are you proving? You're proving the fact that somebody's had to sacrifice specificity for brevity, like fucking well done youth, five internet points. And you know, there used to be a saying that somehow people have forgotten, and the saying is this, the exception proves the rule. The exception proves that the rule exists. If you have to rack your brain to think of the one woman on earth who wasn't born with feet so that you can say, how dare you say women are born with feet. Well, the exception proves the rule. There's one woman over there who's born without feet. Okay, I get that. They exist. But saying, yeah, women are born with feet. It's not, it should not be an arguable statement. Some of these

statements I make in my tweet, tweet thread, people get so ragingly angry because they're like, oh, that's not me. How dare you say this is true. Well, it's true for most people. And if it's not true for you, cool. Move on. But if they're getting bad, angry, man, there's something there. Like maybe someone else made them feel bad that they don't fit into that one. And that's usually what they're arguing against. They're not arguing against you. They're arguing against the one person in their past history who made them feel bad for being an exception. That's really where that lot of that comes from. The problem as well, if you're someone that's trying to create a platform online

or trying to just get messaging out there, if you try and caveat everything that you say, you're going to erode out all of the colour and the flavour that actually makes it exciting in the first place. If you decide to caveat every tweet that you do with, I know that it's not about this and on average, and then explain what on average actually means, if you do that, then all the sexiness of your content's been lost in any case. So yeah, not optimizing for midwits, I think is, it's just a very good idea. If you optimize for midwits, you'll have one follower,

and that will be your mom, who says you are really clever. If nobody else wants to follow you, because they're like, everyone else will be like, man, I don't want to follow this guy. All he does is tweet like some, maybe averages. That doesn't really help me, because then he's not even saying what average people can do. I sometimes, if it's a really hot topic, the second tweet, the first sentence of the second tweet will be, some people are different.

And I'll have you know, not everybody, but the majority and the opposite, but the majority. And then I just launch from there. And that's the second tweet. And when people hit me and say, well, that's not ever I just grab that tweet. I copy a link to it and I just go through the comments. Uh, here's somebody and I just posted that tweet at them, not even saying anything else because I know they didn't even bother to read the thread. Yeah.

Women are insecure about details. Men don't notice details. Men notice body parts. No man ever said, hey, one of her nipples is slightly larger than the other, but every woman knows which of her nipples is larger than the other, and is terrified her partner will leave her for it. Most women spend their time worrying about the man they love, noticing imperfections that only another woman would notice. Few women realize that you cover imperfections by distracting men with accentuated body parts,

flaunt what you've got, he won't care about the rest. I think I should have went in a Nobel Prize for that one, because that solves all female insecurity, right? We're done. No, that's true. Women don't get this. If you take off your shirt and your husband is staring at you,

he is not going to notice that you have a mole next and your husband is staring at you, he is not going to notice that you have a mole next to your belly button. He is going to be staring at the two things that are right there in front of him. And if you're completely naked, his eyes will be making a triangle, left, right, and down,

and that's all he's gonna be looking at. He might look at your face, maybe. Probably won't even notice. You could wear a fake mustache with completely naked, and it would take him three hours to notice the fake mustache. And it's not in your laugh because it's true. It is so true. We don't notice body parts, and we fixate on body parts,

especially the ones we like. We just do. Men look at the specifics that we are trying to do because we're trying to achieve an objective. Her shirt is off. I should maximize the amount of time I can stare at these two things. That's usually what we're doing. And then we're getting aroused and then we say, hey, we should have sex. We aren't looking at her body going, that's interesting. She has a move there. I wonder where that when that mold came up. Hey, she has a tiny scar on behind her ankle.

I wonder where that scar came from. I would like to know that story. Now, we are pretty fixated on getting done the job that we want to get done. And that's just what it is. That's where we're at. So, if women can find out their three best features and augment those three best features in whatever way, man you haven't made my just do that do that and see if he even notices anything You know what oh if a woman walked in a room completely naked with a false mustache It would be amazing if her husband noticed the false mustache within like a while Do that test women at home by a false mustache probably find out why I'm on Amazon and see do the false mustache test see if your husband even

notices walk in completely but naked and back to him first he sees your butt and then turn around he won't even notice your face the mustache will be there for a while and when he does you have to say so anything of my mustache he'll go huh and then he'll jump because he's so shocked. Yeah, that's right. Do the mustache test. And that will show you how little he cares about your imperfections. Pro tip, if you share that someone has hurt you and their first response is to complain that your admission hurts them, they don't love you. That's true. Man, a lot of people when they try to fix their attachment, they ask me, should I tell my parents?

My answer is usually no, because your relationship formed in that environment. First, you need to fix your attachment. At least three other people say you have the emotional backing from other people to be able to go to your parents if they hit you with, how dare you do this to me? If the other person says, how dare you show this to me? Why are you doing this now? What's the problem? Their first thought isn't, wow,

the person I love is hurt. I need to help them. And if you love somebody, really love somebody, you actively love them. It goes right back to that. You show love for them by caring for them. If you have a selfish thought and say, oh, this hurts, you stop yourself and say, wait a minute, this person I care about is really hurt.

I need to solve this first. I'm thinking, man, again, I'm a father. If my kids came to me into debt, it really bothered me when you yelled at me in front of my kids. My first, if I'm a loving father, my first thought isn't, you deserved it. My first thought is, wait a minute.

This is a relationship with my kids. I don't wanna screw this up because I'd like to meet my grandchildren someday. Let me think through this. Okay, you know what? I acknowledge that you're hurt and that sucks. Talk to me about why it hurts. And then I will talk to you about why I did it.

And let's come to a compromise so we understand each other. And then going forward, let's figure out how to make sure it never happens again so that neither one of us is bothered by this. Not just me, both of us. Let's figure out, going forward how both of us can have this. And that's how you solve problems in a relationship

where you love each other. That's just it. If the other person says, well, you deserved it. Well, you made me feel bad. Well, you hurt me first. Well, that's defensiveness. And they don't really love you. What about the reverse? What about if you ask someone to whom somebody says that you hurt them and you have this compulsion to say your admission of that hurts me? Yeah. First of all, it's normal to have that compulsion.

But if you love that other person, you should practice loving them and practice not being selfish. So if you have, again, the logical emotion, if you logic spike and emotions spike, if you find yourself feeling upset, you need to check yourself immediately. When someone comes at you with something, your first thought should be, where am I at right now? Before you open your mouth, you can even close your mouth. You can pretend you're stroking your mustache and thinking, close your mouth and say, where am I at right now? Where am I at? Am I gonna screw up this relationship?

Then you think, what is my goal right now? Is my goal to diminish my pain and maximize my pleasure for five seconds? Or am I at a place right now where I need to talk to this person and fix this relationship? Do I want to know my kids past the age of 18? Well, okay. If you're too hot right now to think about that, then you should say, okay, give me five

minutes to cool off so I'm not a jerk because I love you when I care about this relationship. Give me five minutes. Let me think about this and let's make back here in five minutes. That's okay to do that. In fact, if you can't have a calm relationship and fix it, I encourage you to say, give me five minutes. Because the other person might say, well, that sucks, but why?

And you could say, because I'm really emotional right now, and I care about you, and I wanna fix this, and I don't trust myself right now to be logical enough to have a good conversation. I'm just gonna be a jerk, and I wanna to fix this and I don't trust myself right now to be logical enough to have a good conversation. I'm just going to be a jerk and I want to fix this. Give me five minutes and they'll say, all right. I suppose that's kind of similar to if you are a wife and there's a problem that's occurred, I'm bushing the husband as soon as he walks through the door with that is probably suboptimal. You might have had a bad day at work.

You might have just stepped through the door, the particular situation, the dynamic that you're in. He's in put bags down from work mode, not I need to have a serious conversation where I'm receptive to my wife mode. Correct. Yeah. And that's okay. It's called meta communication.

Communicating about your communication is a good thing. Letting the other person know, hey, right now is not a good time because I am messed up. I'm angry at this other thing. I'm stressed out. It's okay. And if you are a person who accidentally goes off with the other person and says, hey, you know, I'm, how dare you do this to me. If you do that, sometimes it slips out.

You are not loving that other person. You have to choose to go back in and love that other person and apologize to them. And really do. Like, I'm so sorry. I do care about you and I want to show that I love you. So let's actually talk about your concerns. I'm sorry that I jumped on you like that. And it'll be hard, but you can fix that relationship. Yeah, man, if someone comes at you and you've hurt them, fix it. Fix it. If you love that person, then fix it.

You should care about that. You should care that you hurt their feelings. More than your feelings are being hurt by pointing out how you hurt them. You should care about them more than you care about your temporary discomfort because you have hurt them, which means you've wounded their relationship. I suppose as well being the person, the first mover that gets past the tit for tat inertia or the game playing of, well, last time that this happened,

they set the tone by not responding in a very nice and meaningful way. Again, I can see that compulsion. I'm somebody that compulsion. I'm somebody that, if I get badly done by someone, I remember the resentment sits there and you think, okay, motherfucker, like it's your turn now.

It's your turn now. Remember the last time that you turned up late for dinner? Well, it doesn't matter. You can almost feel it as you're going in, you're going out for dinner with a buddy and you know that you're 15 minutes late. You go, well, yeah, but he was half an hour late last time. So this is okay. And you go, well, you're going out for dinner with a buddy and you know that you're 15 minutes like, you go, well, yeah, but he was half an hour late last time. So this is okay. And you go,

well, you know, yeah, this is okay. It's a shitty, it's a shitty way to live. It is. It's really, it's realistically justifying treating someone else in a non-loving way. That's really what's happening. You are justifying treating another person without love in some way. Point blank. And if you think you're justified in doing that because of what they did to you, then by all means destroy the relationship by pointing that out and telling them that they deserved what you did to them. How would you advise somebody, let's say that they're in a relationship, it could be a friendship or a partnership, and they have got themselves into a cycle of negative communication, whether that be this

tit for tat thing or some of the sort of really poor, back and forth dynamic. How would you advise someone broaching that? And also how important is it to set the tone at the beginning of the relationship to continue forward? I'm going to guess based on my experience that getting it right first time and never having to fix something is optimal, but if you haven't done that, how do you fix it? You can't run a healthy relationship without setting up clear expectations at the start. That's the best time to do it. Second best time to do it is before there's a complete catastrophic meltdown. So do it now, if anyone listening to this hasn't set clear expectations, set them now.

What's clear expectations? The minimum to maintain the relationship and what you expect at other relationship and what you hope to get out of the relationship, the minimum. So in a marriage, let's not cheat on each other. It would be one of the minimums. Let's actually care about each other and solve our problems together. That would be one of the minimums. Hey, when there's an actual problem, let's please talk about it instead of sweeping it under the rug and trying to make up for it by earning love and approval from each other. These are basic expectations in their relationship. Set those.

Set them. Tell the other person, all the boundaries, you tell each other what boundaries would make me leave this relationship. That calms the other person down if they're anxious because that tells them, okay, I won't leave you outside of these clear boundaries of the game.'t do these things don't do these things right here Here's the next set of boundaries. This is where I would leave you. Here's the next set of boundaries if I was That's the other way here's here's leaving you here's Anointed you or angry at you here's slightly annoyed at you here's like okay. We're pretty good

Here's like totally like thriving and loving pretty good. Here's like totally thriving and loving you. And this should be this spectrum of behavior. So the other person isn't feeling like they're walking on a minefield waiting for the relationship to detonate in any moment. Set clear expectations of what you do and don't want. And be clear about them when things pop up. Hey, you know what?

I didn't really like that that you just did, but could you do this for me instead? That would be great. Do it the first time it pops up. So no one's angry or embarrassed, because you haven't done it for six months. Set it right away. Boom, clear expectations.

If you don't set those, oh man, good luck. I think I keep on reflecting about your advice that women should give men problems that they can solve in collaboration with each other. That's so, so powerful. And I think that trying to, trying to think about ways that you can engender that, I suppose that having kids is one big problem to solve, which is maybe a part of the bonding experience, right? You know, you need to get little Timmy to football practice, but there's only one

car and you're at work and blah, blah. And I think that that's, that's a good part of it. But certainly for couples that don't have kids or perhaps find that the kid's situation just isn't a problem-solving thing, that would be something maybe that you could try and communicate would be a good idea as well. Why don't we try and do something that is a little bit of a challenge, work on the extension of the house together, work on building a side project together? If one of you's got a business, why don't you suggest that someone come in and, and I don't know, assist with that? I'm not sure. But yeah, that seems like such a powerful bonding potential. Yes, absolutely. Do things together that you normally wouldn't do. Do uncomfortable things. They say, um, oxytocin

bonding is bonding in the absence of stress. Vassiprescent bonding is bonding in the absence of stress, vasopressin bonding is bonding in the presence of stress. Those are the two different things. And just a little bit of stress, even good stress. Solving problems together, playing board games together, even can be a little bit stressful. Building things together, like you said, if she just goes to him and says, hey, something is really bothering me and I really need help solving it. Can you help me? My curtains need to be hung up or you know, or my whatever, this is bothering it. Can you help me? My curtains need to be hung up or, you know, or my whatever. This is bothering me.

Can you help me? I'm having such an overwhelming week. Could you please do this for me? Could you pick up dinner on Thursday night? That would be so helpful to me. If she can just go to him and when we, I mean, our ancestors would call it the honey do list. Honey, please do this.

If you could just do that give him little things of this would be so helpful to me thank you so much and he does it and you're like oh thank you i mean you don't have to jump on him naked the moment he comes through the door with dinner but just like thank you so much that helped me out so much like fast pressing for him there's the feedback he gave, you gave him a problem. He solved it. Feedback. How many women do you think avoid doing that because they don't want to be awkward bitches? A lot of women do, and especially when they are in, when they have attachment issues,

because they believe they don't deserve those things, and they believe that he doesn't want to do them, and he doesn't care. If they have dads who grew up being a grumpy piece of crap who didn't want to help out, it really hammers home that message of don't ever trust men. Don't ever ask men for anything, you're not worth it. So it happens all the time, man. A lot of women don't want to be above or a burden. And so they never do the things that men need to bond. It's just, it's so many missed opportunities. It doesn't make you a bad woman. It just

makes you miss all the good opportunities Many women in hookup culture believe they're going to find a meaningful connection. They don't realize they're being used for masturbation And they're all men that pissed off so many people And it's an ugly way to put it, but it's true because That's what they're that's what those men are doing. They're not vassal press and bonding to you number one. So really they're masturbating with your body. It's really what they're doing. They're masturbating and having no bonding connection whatsoever. So they may as well have stayed at home and masturbated with their hand or an object because

their brain is viewing you as an object, especially if they watch a lot of porn. What they found is that men who watch porn and men who are shown porn and then shown pictures of attractive women, the brain operates, it lights up the part of the brain responsible for tool use instead of human connection. So if he's used to watching a lot of porn, go through the research shows, they showed pictures of attractive women to men who had, first they would either show them nothing, I believe, or they'd show them porn. And they'd show them one or the other.

And so they'd show them the attractive woman, and the men who had no images prior to that, the brain would lie out for interacting with other humans, the men who are shown porn first and then shown a non-pornographic picture of attractive women, the part of their brain responsible for tool use would light up. Shit. Yeah. So if you look at a lot of porn, you look at a woman and what happens? Your brain says tool use, I'm going to masturbate.

So he forgets you're even there, if he's used to porn. Also, men who look watch a lot of porn focus on acts and body parts way more. So he's staring at her boobs and he's trying to get off to her boobs instead of saying, hey, we're having a wonderful experience together. Let's really enjoy this and bond and connect. He's just trying to get off. He's just there and he's like, all right, we're going to do this We're gonna do this. And that's the dude who's yelling like 15 different, that's the dude who's yelling 15 different instructions during like, all right, flip around. Now look at me, now jump up a down nut.

And like that's why is because he's recreating his porn scenarios that his brain, his programmed his brain to get off to. He is built a fetish around using the female body and different body parts. So he's just masturbating with your body at that point. And even if you're married, even if you're married, he can still be just masturbating with your body

because sex to him is a way of masturbating because he's used to masturbating to women on the internet. Yeah, I was reading Robert Wright's book recently, which always has some, it was written in the 90s when he first, when he first wrote his book on evolutionary psychology. There's this section in there that says, the Madonna Horde dichotomy, and this is something that I think has kind of been lambasted and called out as fake news, but any man knows that this is true. So anti-cocoldry technology

could come in handy, not just when a man has a mate, but earlier in choosing her. If available females differ in their promiscuity, and if the more promiscuous ones tend to make less faithful wives, natural selection might incline men to discriminate accordingly, promiscuous women would be welcome as short-term sex partners, indeed preferable in some ways since they can be hard with less effort, but that would make poor wife material a dubious conduit for male parental investment. And here we are in 2021. Now all of that is impacted by attachment, so if men believe that they are completely worthless and that they're lucky to get a woman who's had 500 partners, then that changes

that dichotomy a little bit. It changes what they're used to. But if a man fixed, if every man in America fixed his attachment promiscuity would become really unattractive and this this that it would all shift and women would suddenly become really really monogamous because it wouldn't be tolerated right now it's hot if a woman is out there all the time just doing having fun and and she can attract lots of dudes and the octetose bond of them and feel really close to them right now to rewarded because men have bad attachment. If men fix their attachment that all goes

way. That all goes away. There's a stata saw Rob Henderson shared a little while ago saying that the single biggest predictor of extra marital sex is premarital sex. And I have heard that also, I've heard also heard that a major predictor for divorce is if she's had any partners prior to that marriage. She said, very few are none, no partners at all, that also is a good predictor of low divorce risk. This is one of those things. The, you know, the wise of every generation discover the same truths. That was what Shane Parish tweeted a little while ago.

But we are recreating, we're trying to recreate the rules that things like religion and tradition gave us. And yeah, maybe there is a part of this where the genies out of the bottle a little bit. When you've created the pill for women and had the women's liberation movement and you're trying to have equality for the sexes, you need to now rationalize and give genuine reasons for something that

was previously just doctrine or culturally enforced without another alternative. So I understand that restricting men and women to what seems like an archaic way of living. I understand why that is going to be a difficult pill to swallow, but the end goal for both men and women should be, okay, what gives me the most flourishing life? Not is it the cooler, trendier, more contemporary way of living? It does this actually give me the outcome that I want. And this is why it's so important, I think, for people to understand and to be able to learn these sorts of lessons without an emotional response. Because if you can do that, then it permits you to pick and choose the elements from a

history that are genuinely going to work for you as opposed to just having a knee-jerk reaction that, well, that's obviously the patriarchal substrate constructs trying to keep us down because of a cisgendered heteronormative, whatever the fuck, right? Like that's reacting with that casts off all of the potential advantages that you could have got from understanding that wisdom in the first place. But yet recreating tradition in a modern context, it's not easy. So it doesn't surprise me that it's a hard pill to swallow. There's a saying that society progresses one grave at a time.

Once a generation has established its moors and its views and its beliefs, that generation has to die before the next generation can implement their own. It's the reason they say that that's the reason that in the book of Exodus, the Jews had to wander in the desert for 40 years before they could reach the Promised Land was because the old generations had to die off in the younger generation who actually believed it was possible to reach those could reach that Promised Land and become faithful. It's the generations marching through. And right now, man, I did so much work with 12-year-olds.

So much work with 12-year-old boys who had moms who... How do I say this in a way that won't get me canceled off the internet? Moms who had a boyfriend for every day of the week. Let's just say a lot of boyfriends, a lot of drug addicts, a lot of problems, and the boys would see their moms and say, I never ever want to be around any women in my life who ever act like this. I love my mom, but I never want this in my life again, because even at 12, he has to step up and be the husband, basically. He has to step up and be her husband and try to run the house and manage her behavior. Yeah, so there's almost like a breakwater in between poor cultures, poor cultural norms,

and then it takes a little bit of time to get over to that. There was a guy on the show talking about the history of existential risk, so how humanity had come to understand its own capacity for its own destruction. And there's a term called conceptual inertia in that, which is when a commonly held scientific belief is disproven, it still has a lagging effect about when that fully, even if you could disprove it tomorrow. So let's say that you go from a geocentric to a heliocentric view of the universe or something like that, even if it's proven, even if everybody accepts it, the human mind and culture takes time for this to percolate through and for all of the unheld assumptions, the unvoiced assumptions to completely be ejected from the world.

And that very well may be, like you say, one grave at a time. It is one grave at a time, but you know what? I'm really, how do I say, I am really inspired by the 12-year-olds that I do meet, because they're in one of two camps. They either are completely destroyed and they want to kill themselves, which is horrible, or they are so angry and so ready to change the world that they're going full throttle. It's one of the other. It's a meat grinder right now. And the population who survives is going to be the hardest, hardest, strongest population out of that.

And I don't say that with any joy in my heart for the ones who are suicidal and hurting. We need to help them. But it is such a Darwin's meat grinder right now of the next generation that is going to set the tone and they have zero tolerance. They have zero tolerance for all the crap and excess that there are the generations have got up to. They have zero patience for the rest of us, for boomers, for millennials,

for Gen X, Gen Y. They are ready to not throw us into the furnace, but they have zero tolerance. And by the time their power comes around, society's going to look a lot different. Very, very different from how it looks now, because we are a good warning to them about what doesn't work. Yeah, I mean, that's the sort of role model that you never want to be, right? The bad example. That's really, that's a poor situation to be. And I keep on hearing about how one of the reasons that the societal discontent at the moment

is because millennials are the first generation who generation who on average did worse than their parents That the future that we were promised is something that hasn't come to fruition But if you roll that forward for a couple of generations and also, you know Boomers to millennials was probably about a generation but millennials to Gen X and Gen Yers they that, that's not. They've started to cut the time domain down from it being 25 years, actually now, yeah, around about 12 and a half. So that's how fast society's moving. But yeah, when you have people who don't do as well as their parents, they start to ask, okay, so maybe what I was taught wasn't correct

as opposed to let's continue the tradition. If you do better than your parents, you say, evolution of ideas has worked absolutely great. I should just teach my kids to do what I did because it worked out fine for me, but then if that doesn't happen, look at the outcome, we need something new. And maybe that new is actually something old.

Correct, man, Gen X and millennials, men, we got, we, we're the ones who are saying, nothing works. What the heck are we supposed to do? Because the boomers throughout everything that did work and created a new system that was built just for them in a happy little bubble of take on all the debt you can build a tiny nuclear family, move away from your family, screw them, screw the old people. They had this perfect little bubble built for them by the economy so that they could just feed the economy and feed everything in, and that bubble doesn't work for anybody else after them.

And right now, the boomers are tripling the average divorce rate in their 70s. They are continuing to get divorced in their 70s and tripling the average divorce rate right now. It's not working. And Gen X and millennials are like, we don't know, guess I'll die. It's that meme. I'll guess I'll just die. And Gen Z is coming along like, what have you people been doing?

And all right, I guess we're going to burn to the ground and I'm going to build a cabin in the woods and live there until I figure this out. That's Gen Z right now. Is there the ones recovering after the world has melted down? Adam Lane Smith, ladies and gentlemen, people want to keep up to date with what you're doing. What have you got going on? Have you got any new courses coming out soon?

Oh man, I'm focusing so much on YouTube right now, so I've got a huge YouTube channel. Just look for Adam Lane Smith, I'm on there. My number one video, I think is male attachment. It's bonding men to women during sex some of the things we talked about in here YouTube is the biggest place I'm pushing right now. I'm pushing out more courses down the road I'm building all kinds of offerings. So I'm on Twitter at the bromothius I'm all over the place. Those are two good places to find me right now. I'm also a TikTok as Genzy loves TikTok

so I Honestly, you're I want to see your TikToks man man. Yeah, the YouTube channel, Adam's YouTube channel, and his Twitter and the tweet thread that this is building off will be linked in the show notes below. So go and check those out. Adam, until the next time, man, get some more tweets out. We'll do this again. That's perfect.

I'd love to. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,