Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-11-21

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Bill rambles about childhood clothes, hollow earth, and how to deal with a woke sister.

© BF-WATCH TV 2021 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, January 11th, 2021. Can you believe it's already almost halfway through the first month of a new year? Where's the vaccine? How come the clouds haven't parted yet? I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I thought that they were just going to be fucking, you know,

I thought this vaccine was going to come out in 2021, and then the fucking CIA, the government, everybody, was going to be shooting us in the neck with it, like when you watch those nature shows and they're going after like, they shoot wild pigs. Just catch a bunch of fatties running out of food court with no fucking mask on, just shooting them in the neck. I thought that that's what they were going to do. I really thought we got it.

Let's make a big fuck like we're having a keg party, right? Let's get a couple of keggers of this shit and have people do some fucking keg stands. Slowly, but surely trickling out, I guess. I don't know what it is, but you know, I will tell you this, I think COVID numbers are going to be down in a few weeks because there was six fucking NFL football games this weekend. I want everyone of them. And Ohio State plays Alabama.

I'll tell you, we ain't got much. We got no fucking time, baby. Plays Alabama coming Monday. We ain't got no fucking books. We got a football team. The Alabama. Quincy, women can't have rights in our state. We got the Alabama Crimson Tide. Sorry, I had to get the Alabama Chatter, you know, going, which by the way, I don't know who I'm rooting for in that game because I love rooting against both of those teams.

I like Ohio State. I like the, I like the team. I'm fucking with you. I just like listening to their fans fucking whining all the time nonstop. Like they're just like, you know, when I was a kid, the fucking cunts that used to drive me up the wall was the fucking Notre Dame fans. When they used to act like nobody there did steroids. Everybody said the, you know, the Lou Holtz years. You say prayers and go out there and try to win the game. They'll let goody, goody fucking horse shit.

Y'all know they were out there fucking shooting heroin and banging horse. Okay. Like it's a college football program. Okay. Maybe not ever. Okay. Whatever. None of this, none of this is back by any sort of information. They just, it just bugged me. Maybe I didn't like where my life was. And I didn't link this, this fucking little old guy telling me how to live my life when I'm trying to watch a goddamn guy.

I think that's what it was. So my apologies. There's going to be a lot of apologies on the podcast this week. All right. But anyway, let's get to the, uh, there's something about watching Nick Saban losing his shit that I just love to see. Cause it, it, I don't know what it is. I do that. At least he's doing it for a great reason. He wants to win a football game and continuing being, you know, him and his wife being Mr. and Mrs. Alabama. You know, you think they're walking around playing for Barbara?

It was the last time they fucking paid for barbecue in that state, you know? Well, I guess if they're down near Auburn, yeah, but when's he going down there? Um, all right, I've talked myself into a corner as far as like, I don't even know. I mean, usually I don't know what I'm talking about, but now, now this is, this is a, a, an especially, um, tough corner I've talked myself into. But I think, oh man, I love the SEC. I also like the big 10. I don't know who to root for. I'm just gonna, I'm just psyched that there's going to, that the two powerhouse teams are going to be there.

I was breaking all house, states, balls a little bit, only having to play six games, but they, they mop the fucking floor with Clemson. So, um, it ain't their fault there was, there was COVID. So they obviously deserve to be there. So, um, come on, Bill, pick someone. I'm going to go, I'm going to go a house state for Jay Lawhead, Rose Bowl, tailgate legend. Back when we used to go to the Rose Bowl. Now there's COVID. Um, I'm going to root, I'm going to root for them, despite how much I like smart ass Wilson's barbecue in Alabama.

I'm going to root for, I'm going to root for a house state there. I said, but there's the thing. This is why I think COVID cases are going to go down because I think everybody was just fucking inside. Everybody was inside. I'm sure there was a lot of fights with the wives, you know, unless you married a gamer, you know, sitting there right with you. You know, fucking cheering it on. But I watched every single game. There's a few games I saw, like, I didn't see as much of like the Saints Bears game.

I didn't get to see a lot of that because I had to go do some stuff with some other parents and kids and stuff, you know, you know, parents from my daughter's school. Um, so we sort of had a social thing in the park, which was kind of nice because I had watched so much football at that point. I did need to get outside. So let's start. What kind of world do we live in it? Where the Buffalo Bills beat the New England Patriots twice, sweep them in the regular season and then go on to win the division and win their playoff game. I'll tell you what kind of world, the kind of world where the Cleveland Browns beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in the playoffs back to back weeks and they beat them in fucking Pittsburgh. Let's start with the Bills.

Bills beat the Colts. I don't know the fucking names here. I just know that they won the goddamn game. I was really thinking that guy Heinz was going to be more of a problem for, you know, the Colts running back. I just feel like he's, uh, has the potential become a superstar. Um, and, uh, you know, once again, the stupid fucking analytics, why the Colts don't kick two field goals in the first quarter, first half. I don't know why they don't do. I don't know what the fuck it is.

I don't know what it is. I was watching the fucking Brown Steelers and they go, well, you know, if they went for two there, then they only would have been down. Yeah, if they get it, if they get it. Jesus fucking Christ. What is the analytics versus kicking an extra, kicking a fucking field goal versus going for a two point conversion? I don't know. I don't know. But you know me, I don't like change.

I'm like most people, most old people. I don't like change, which is why my, I got an apology coming up in the future. So the bills win that game. It's great to see, you know, and, uh, then I, the most dominant performance I saw all weekend was the Los Angeles Rams beating the Seattle Seahawks. I mean, they just, they just fucking won every single aspect of that game. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I sat down, you know, I like watching the Seahawks. I just thought that they were going to, uh, you know, I thought it'd be tight in the first half and then Seattle would pull away.

That's what I thought. They just, they kicked their fucking ass is the only way to say it on the offensive line, the defensive line, the corners running, passing special teams. They just fucking had their foot on the neck, their neck from the beginning of the game to the end, total domination. Um, and then Tom Brady, the TB, the Tom Brady bucking ears. TB now stands for Tom Brady, not Tampa Bay. The Tom Brady bucking ears. My team that I'm rooting for with Gronkowski and Antonio Brown beat the team from Washington to closer game than a lot of people thought. Um, and then that Ravens Titans game.

Jesus Christ. The Mark Jackson just showing why he's the MVP of the league. The most exciting, amazing play I saw the entire fucking, what I saw, cause definitely I was dipping in and out with the kids was, uh, that 40 yard, like, it looked like he was going to get sacked. Then it was like, is he going to get a first down and all of a sudden he's 40 fucking yards later, he scores a touchdown. Amazing. Amazing, uh, performance and the Ravens game plan. You got to give it up to him. All right, we're sticking everybody up in the line.

We're going to take Henry out of this game. We're going to let Ryan Tannehill have to beat us and he did not. Saints beat the Bears. I missed most of that game because I was doing the parents thing and then I just watched the Brown Steelers, which was just a fucking bizarre game. Like the Steelers just, I don't know what was going on. Hiking the ball over the head, throwing fucking picks and doing just, they did everything they could to lose the game in the first quarter. Um, and then somehow still Ben Rothesberger throws for 500 yards. I would love to see stats before they opened up the game.

Like how many times somebody threw a quarterback through for 500 yards and lost the game. Let's look that up. Shall we? Now I know there was a part of the weird, you know, maybe the Browns played a little lighter defense when they were up. The amount that they were up, but you got to give it up. Baker Mayfield, huh? Got to give it up to that guy. How many fucking quarterbacks have come into Cleveland, not done, been able to get going?

I mean, you just, your career was done before it even started and that guy has led them to, uh, to the playoffs in a road victory. The Cleveland Browns first road victory since 1969. Since we walked on the fucking moon allegedly. Um, I think we did. Why the fuck would you make that shit up? You know, so you just what bragged other countries? Well, Bill, that's, that's what the conspiracy theory is. Okay.

Um, QBs throwing 500 yards and losing. Brady is the first QB to lose a game with 500 yards. Three touchdowns. Oh, that must have been the, oh, that was the Super Bowl against, uh, is that the Eagles? I think it was the Eagle game. He threw 500 fucking yards. I remember that game. I was sitting there.

I was talking to my buddy. I go, I don't know who's going to win this fucking game, but nobody on defense of either team should get a fucking ring. Um, and the punters should get a participation trophy. It came out there like two, three times. Um, Big Ben threw over 500 fucking yards and, uh, you know, probably threw for 80 yards. If you count his interceptions, another 80 yards, I should say, uh, just unbelievable, huge fucking win for Cleveland. And, uh, I can't imagine, um, it was funny when they said this is probably the biggest victory in Cleveland Brown history or something like that.

It's just like, uh, they, they won championships back in the day. Paul Brown, you kidding me? I think that their biggest victory was when they won their first NFL title in 1950. Coming over from what, from what people said was the inferior all-American football league. And they came in the first year they won the fucking title after winning all four. They went four in a row, all-American football league championships, 46, 47, 48 and 49. And the NFL's like, oh, it's an inferior league. All right, now it's collapsing.

We'll take a couple of your teams. We'll show you how football's played. And the Brett Cleveland Browns game, the old right there, Fred, legitimized what the fuck happened in the AA, the all-American football league. And then also they, they literally changed the, Paul Brown changed the fucking game. He's the original Bill Belichick. He proceeded Vince Lombardi, all of these fucking guys. He's the guy. And they came up with the West Coast offense with Bill Walsh in Cincinnati.

I mean, Ohio is football. So it was so bad that Cleveland has been, been bad for this fucking long. It's great. It's fucked. It's fantastic. Having said that, I hope that's not Ben Rathausberger's last game when he was just sitting there on the bench. It made me sad. Just a fucking amazing competitor, you know.

And despite, you know, how many interceptions and shit, I mean, they weren't all, some of them were tipped and stuff. It's like the guy still threw over 500 yards and had Cleveland Brown fans shitting their pants with 12, 12 minutes ago. And at one point they were up 28-nothing. All right. So there you go. There you go. All right. Let's talk about my day.

The best part of waking up. I had like just a great dad weekend. You know, my daughter had her first week of school. And so I was, I really, really missed her. You know, she's my buddy, right? So we just, we just spent both days like hanging in the garage. You know, she's got a scooter, you know, riding bikes, you know, playing drums. She's really getting, you know, understood, like getting good at drums, you know, just kid good, you know.

And she now, she now she says, right before she starts playing drums, I'll have guitar and she has the drums. She'll go, dad, let's jam. That's the coolest thing ever. But I owe her an apology to coaster bikes. I'm starting to see that exactly what they said that training wheels inhibit and delay and they don't really teach anything. They just, it's just somebody holding you up the whole fucking time. The coaster bike, I now get it. I now get it.

And at first my daughter was just fighting it and fighting it said she didn't want to do it. They don't get it. Because once they've written a tricycle, they want to pedal. And now if they got a scooter, like my daughter is like blazing fast on the scooter. And is just one with that thing. It's like crazy. She's like looking back, making a turn, smiling at me, gliding, and then occasionally swiping her foot on the ground to keep her momentum going. It's like, yeah, me and my mother-in-law were just watching her just looking at each other, shaking our heads going, look, she's got this down.

So the big thing with the coaster bike is I think once you get them to push with both feet at the same time and then glide a little bit. And then they start to get it. And she started doing that. And then I got her on her Christmas bicycle that has the pedals and everything. And now she's like pedaling. It's got a handbrake, so it's weird when she stops pedaling, then it goes backwards. And she gets like confused and shit. So sorry, I'm yawning.

I'm doing this at the end of the day. I really apologize. I just have a million fucking things to do tomorrow. And I'll be on Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show. I almost said the Jimmy Fallon Show is how tart it is. The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon didn't buy the Tonight Show. It's the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

Sorry. Looking forward to that. I've known Jimmy since 1996. I've almost unknown him for a quarter of a century. It's crazy. So I always have fun when I go on that show. So tune in if you can. So I got to knock this thing out tonight.

And there's just been so much funny shit in like the news and everything. But anyways, let's get back to being like a dad. I just did all of that. You know, I was giving my daughter, you know, just going up and down the driveway in my old truck. And she loves steering it and all of that. So I was getting out and go, what is that right there? And she's like, that's the choke. Mike, that's right.

What are these? That's the wipers. What are those? Those are the lights. So she's getting all of that down because I told you one of these days she gets tall enough. It's three on the tree. I'm going to teach you how to drive it. You know, I think that's a really like big thing.

You know, teaching your kids how to do shit. Let the teachers teach them how to read and write and do all of that crap. And then you teach them how to do shit. Other shit kind of rounds them out. You know what I mean? And then also you really, I don't know, I think it's big to remember like what it was like to be their age. One of the things that I hated the most was, you know, when you started running out of your favorite clothes, and then you go to your tier two clothes and then you just had the, those clothes that you just never wanted to wear,

but you just had to if your mom didn't have time to do laundry or anything. And, you know, I had a couple of days like going to school and just what I had on, I mean, I was getting this, you know, fucking shit kicked out of me before I even got into goddamn school. Whatever, just getting hazed and stuff. It was just one of those deals, right? So tonight before I was doing the podcast, I did the kids laundry. And my wife's like, what are you doing starting laundry now? And I was just like, well, you know, she's going to school tomorrow.

And I always told her, I go, I always hated that when I was a kid. You know, women are like, oh, anytime you care. Women just like, I've learned so much about women in like the last six weeks. And like, I was doing everything fucking wrong. It's hilarious. They really are not that difficult to live with as crazy as that is. I mean, they're difficult to selfish and all that bullshit. We all know that, you know, you buy them a bunch of shiny shit and they'll like it for a month. And then a month later, they want the next shiny thing,

especially one of those fucking Kardashians wears it, right? But I mean, just as far as like sort of just keeping it going along, you know, all you got to do is take them out to lunch every four or five days, take them out to lunch, take them for a drive. You just go, just go do some silly shit that they like to do. They love it. They love it, you know, and then like, they never really do any of the silly shit you want to do, right? But conversely, they're not in a bad mood. So like, that's, that's how it works, you know, in the male-female dynamic.

Like, the best you're going to get as a guy is that she's not mad at you. You know, but women can really, you know, you know, they get a lot of, get you to participate in a lot of shit that you wouldn't participate in. You know, I just, I don't know, I hope I'm explaining this right. Like, if they're not into sports, they're not going to come down and just fucking watch sports just to keep you in a good mood because they don't need to do that. All they need to do is just fucking leave you alone. That's the thing about just fucking leave us alone and you're golden.

I'm at this chick, she's fucking great, she's cool as shit. She's cool as shit means she doesn't fucking break my balls. She's not nagging me, that's all you have to, isn't that funny? All women have to do is not nag a guy and they're good. A guy's going to be in a good mood, right? Unless you're, you know, dating a cunt, you know, you know, some asshole guy. All right, well with women though, all you have to do, you have to do shit with them. So, you know, like mostly, you're going to lose in the exchange, but like, you know,

if you love the person you're with, you want to keep them around, you just do some shit with them. It keeps them in this really like nice place. And I just started doing that and my wife was always cool. Now she's just like ridiculously cool. And I'm really learning shit because it was two times she fucking pissed me off. You know, she pissed me off today. And I just fucking was just like, I don't want it, it's not worth it. It's not worth it.

I just breathed my way through it. I thought about it. It was a comment she made and the way I interpreted it probably was fucking wrong. You know, we'd done all of this shit and I had like, I don't want to get into my day, whatever. She had to go out and do a bunch of shit. So I was like double dad duty, right? And then doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, doing all of this shit, running out to get dinner, all of this fucking shit.

And we come home after all of this crap, right? Well, I met the parents as we're pulling to the driver. She's like, oh, God, my workout today just hit me. And in my head, I'm thinking like, of course it did. Of course it just hit you because you realize we're going into the house now and it's time to give the kids baths. So you're waiting for me to take the bait, which of course I did. That's how I read it. That's how I read it.

And I fucking, and then I was just like, you know what, dude, maybe she is just tired. She's also breastfeeding. The kids literally suck in the life out of her. Don't be a cunt. And I didn't. And I did all this shit. And you know what, right before it came out and did the podcast, she came up, kissed me on the cheek and said, I really appreciated all the stuff you did.

And that's it. That's it. I'm realizing the same way I went off on those people that had the coaster bikes all these years. I mean, you know, just fight dying on every fucking hill. Like so many times, like there's not even a hill there. It's just my own fucked up brain with grass on it. All right. Let's, uh, I got it.

I got a tease cause Cosmo magazine slash I got to give them props. You know, it's really hard to have a magazine now. You know, so what you got to do, like Rolling Stone, they figured it out every three days. They put out the top fucking bass players of all time. And then they fucking have them just so people can read it and be like, you got to be kidding me. Flee is only 26. Right. So they can lose their shit.

Genius. Right. So what is Cosmo going to do? The tops fucking 20. It's top hundred, uh, chicks with the eating disorders we put on the cover. No, no, they can't do that. They go the other way. They go the other way.

They put a bunch of overweight chicks on the fucking magazine cover. And they're like, this is healthy. Right. Just to get people to go. What the fuck and fuck. They using these big girls to sell their fucking magazine. And I don't think that they believe, and I don't even think they believe what they're saying. It's just a total fucking, it's low hanging fruit.

As far as like, it's like shock, jock shit. They're just doing that. Everybody knows that's not healthy. That's not good for you. If you don't believe me, like I'm 52 years old. Most of my overweight friends are dead. I mean, it is what it is. Here's the thing Cosmo.

Are you going to do the where are they now? Follow up to that and fucking 20 years. I don't think you're gonna. I don't think you're gonna. I don't know what the purpose of that. I totally understand not being mean to people that are overweight. I do get that. But to fucking sit there and say that, I mean, that's literally like somebody.

What if someone was drinking to that level? This is healthy. Some guy faced down in his own fucking yak. I mean, I don't, this is it. I don't buy it. I don't buy it. I think that's just total marketing. I don't think that their, their, their heart is behind it.

That's, that's what's saying that. And then I saw some other shit. And this is the only reason why I see, you know, this bullshit is cause I'm one of the biggest hypocrites you're ever going to fucking meet in your life. I really enjoyed like when I was waiting for the football to come on, you know, my daughter was bugging me. She likes this, this fucking thing, Ryan's world was this little kid. He plays with toys with his parents and he makes like, I don't know how much money

this kid's making like the same money Johnny Carson made a year with Dave Letterman a year and he generates like nine figures in toy sales. So he's not underpaid. Actually, I think he's kind of getting fucked. I mean, if he's, if he's generating $250 million in sales and he only gets 30 million. I mean, I don't know. Can't give the kid 50. So my daughter always wants to watch it, right?

And that show, Ryan's world is definitely one of those shows like back in the day, like teletubbies. I remember my friends when they had kids, teletubbies was big. And it was one of those things that kids was just like would look at it and couldn't stop looking at it. And adults were like, I can't, there's nothing here for me. You know, where if you watch like Bugs Bunny, there's like, it's just funny. And then there's also jokes in there for adults.

Same thing like the genius assessment street, right? So with Ryan's world, the only thing there for the adult is I'm just watching the parents and I am amazed at their energy and everything that they're doing when it's just like, and I know, I know they're making money too, but it's just like they turned in, they turned the exhausting job of being a parent. Just like, where's she at? Like when we were in the like the park, you know what I mean? You know, I'm racing my daughter.

Like she was a little shy around the other kids. So I was just going like, all right, let's, you know, get her out there. So I was like, Hey, I'll race you to the tree. And you know, she loves doing that. And you are getting sent and she thinks it's hilarious if she takes off early. And you know, that was, that was good for about three, four trees. And then, you know, 15 minutes later, she wants to keep doing it. And it's just like, I fucking knees bugging me, you know.

So I'm watching these parents. I'm like, Jesus Christ. I mean, it's not really physically hard. What it is, is it's, I would think just mentally to be playing kids games like that. And they're shooting it. So you got to do like different takes. I would just think it was exhausting. So that's the only thing I'm getting out of it.

I just sort of watched the parents going like their energy level is incredible. So anyway, she wants to watch it. And I kind of lied to her. I did lie to her. The other day she wanted to watch it. I said, I can't watch it. She goes, why? I said, cause Ryan's asleep.

She's like, how's he asleep in the TV dad? I was like, oh God, you always ask the best questions. She asked one time we were watching TV, she goes, how come they're wearing masks inside the TV? Meaning basically how they can't breathe on us. Why do they need to wear masks? I had to try to explain to her that this is showing people sitting next to each other. I don't know. So anyway, so I finally just said, listen, Ryan never goes to sleep.

It's recorded. I just, daddy can't watch that show all the time. And she said, why not? I go, uh, you know, daddy doesn't always like that show. I've decided I'm not going to sugarcoat shit. I mean, I'm not going to be a total asshole. But it's just like, like daddy can only take so much of that show. Like I watch Bugs Bunny with you all day long.

I can deal with Ryan for about fucking 25 minutes. So anyway, um, so she's bugging me to put the show on and I'm waiting for the NFL pregame show to come on. So I caught the end of that George Stephanopoulos show and they're all talking about all this shit about, we're going to fucking impeach Trump and all this shit. I'm like, I'm fucking impeach the guy. He's got like fucking 10 days left. What are we doing here? And then like, oh, if we don't do it, then we're setting the president that, you know,

because now, now the big thing is that that shit went down at the Capitol. The big thing now is to put it all on Donald Trump. Like he was the only fucking guy that got people of a certain mentality to that level of frenzy that they would do some shit like that. And, um, so now everybody is just walking away from him. And I really feel like, uh, I wish that on that show that they would examine. Do you think that 24 hour news networks that aren't really presenting the news as much as they're presenting their opinion about the news, clearly bias to one side or the other, what that, what that has done. Um, so I don't know, it was just funny watching that Chris Christie guy getting on there.

And just talking about, you know, I wanted to be, I wanted somebody to be like, well, you were in bed with this guy. So let me ask you a question. Where did this guy lose you? At what point did you start going like, you know, was it, you know, it seemed like you were all about this guy until he kicked you to the curb. I don't follow politics a lot, but I know he was in bed with the guy for a little bit. And once he sort of kicked him to the curb, you know, and then he still kept his mouth shut for the whole thing. And now that he's lost the election, all these people in that lady on Fox news, wagging her finger and yelling at those people that did whatever the fuck they did there at the Capitol, because I've still not quite watched all of that. I have to be honest with you, that really looked like I did enough morning radio to know that when you do morning radio,

when you have a live event, like that's what shows up. No matter how smart your show is, smart people have shit to do. They're not showing up in a fucking parking lot to watch a radio show. But lunatics, there's something about radio that it would just, you know, I remember back in the day when we used to, and I was on that fucking amazing show, the opiate Anthony show, the amount of really smart people that I would run into on the street, that were like, Hey, man, I'm a big fan of the show, you know, and they would really could talk comedy and like, you know, it's really smart people. But then when there would be a live event, you know, I mean, think about it, it's like, it's the middle of the work week. Who the fuck is going to be there?

You think these were like fucking lunatics. So I mean, as much pissed off as people are, you know. That their person didn't win who's got the fucking time to go to Washington DC for a protest forget about to start following somebody dressed like a bison into the goddamn place. I don't understand it. Anyway, so now all of a sudden they like can can Mike Pence invoke the 25th amendment and I'm like what the fuck is the 25th amendment. So I started looking at it and all it basically said was if the president died or became incapacitated that he becomes president. So like, I couldn't, you know, I sort of skim read it. I don't understand.

I thought like, doesn't that happen in the house, not the White House, the other house, the house that they broke all the windows on there. The bigger house, the more impressive house, you know, I always liked the Capitol building more than the White House. You know what I mean? I mean, half the fucking people on the real house wise, those fucking Botox horse have a bigger house than the White House. It's not bigger than the Capitol though. You got to give it up to the Capitol, right? I don't know. I'm talking about people here.

I don't know what's going on with this shit, but it is. I think it's kind of good though that people are finally speaking up going like, all right, everybody settle the fuck down. What's going on here? And I hope that everybody has learned, including just, you know, people who aren't on those channels. Like when you sit there and fuck with people online, you don't know who you're fucking with. Like I kind of learned that through doing what I do. Like when people shit on me, you know, send me emails and trash me and all that stuff. Like I just ignore it because you have no idea what's on the other end of that fucking email.

Unless it's funny. You know, like a lot of people like on Twitter, I'll go, but if they talk sports and shit, I go back and forth. I think that stuff's fun. But when somebody really comes at you, you know, and it's so internalized, whatever the fucking joke was that you did, you're just like, all right, this person seems like, you know, they had a lot of bad shit happen to them. They're like, I don't need to be fucking with. So I just, you know, I let them have their victory. Go ahead, you win.

Trash me. It's all you. I read it. I heard what you said, and I'm not writing back. So that's what I'm hoping in 2021. I'm hoping that, you know, this, this eight year old guy with a facelift who seems to be a war monger doesn't start another war in the Middle East. And I hope that somehow we can sort of, I don't know. I mean, look what Teslas are doing to all of these fucking loud ass gas guzzling cars.

I mean, they're just blowing them off the line and all these fucking idiots, not fucking idiots, all these people who have invested in a gas combustion engine, all they can say is, well, you know, it doesn't really, you know, it beats it up to about 80 miles an hour and then it kind of taps out. Yeah, 80 miles an hour. Okay, what's the speed limit out there? The car is fucking incredible. The fucking car is incredible. So, you know, if you're going north of 80 miles an hour, you're an asshole.

If you're doing that in public, just go to a track and go see what your car can do because, you know, I'm not saying a gas combustion engine is 100% wrong. I'm just saying it's one of the main reasons. Isn't that why we're over there in the Middle East? Am I crazy? Am I outside? I don't know. Let's just get the fuck out of this subject. I watched a new Netflix series.

Is it Lupin? L-U-P-I-N, this new French Netflix series. There's only five episodes. The first one I loved, watched it last night with my wife. I was able to kind of keep up with the French pretty good because it's not like hardcore dialogue. It's not like that's really like, I tried to watch, call my agent. And they talk really fast. Vous parlez trop vite.

And I have a difficult time. And then like, I feel like that, like this Lupin series, I'll be able to maybe pick up more on and then I can, then I can watch. Because I feel like call my agent is sort of their version of like the office or whatever. So it's very like snarky, quick dialogue, maybe. I don't know what it is, but I love a God. I can't fucking keep up with it. So anyway, there we go. Did I handle all of that shit?

I'm trying to bring people together here. All right. I'm not trying to cause any fucking arguments. And you know, I thought that Miami Heat thing that I did, the last podcast was funny. Most people thought it was funny, but there was a couple of people. Jesus Christ. There's one fucking guy. He's just like after 10 years of something, like he decided because of that joke that he was no longer going to watch my comedy or follow my podcast.

And he felt the need that he had to issue a statement on my Twitter account, which is just the funniest fucking. I didn't have the heart to tell the guy, I didn't even know you were following me. You know, I get it. If you didn't like it, you go fucking go listen to another podcast. Why do I have to fucking like, how fucking up your own ass are you? Did you really think I was going to be sitting there like, wait a minute, what happened to that guy that I don't know? Oh, thank God he issued a statement. Now I know that this guy who I didn't even know was following my podcast has decided to fucking leave.

I swear to God, the internet has turned so many fucking just Joe six pack people. They act like people in my business who have their own fucking TV show. Well, obviously he's going to be devastated. I have to, I need closure. All right, let's, let's read a little bit of the, let's do a little advertising here. All right, let's go right out of the gate, right out of the gate. Um, what do we got here? Um, okay, we're going to go with, oh, here we go.

New read here. It's Herbs Cider, Herbs fucking Cider, Herbs Cider, C-I-D-E-R, Herbs Cider.com. All right, award winning hard cider produced by Tim Herb Alexander, drummer of Primus. Uh, it's made from organic apples. It's gluten free. All ciders have low to no sugars. I mean, come on, man. These are the cold winter months.

Got to love a hard cider. Uh, you can follow them on Instagram at at Herbs Cider, H-E-R-B-S C-I-D-E-R order online and get it delivered right to your door. You don't even need your pants on. Um, by the way, uh, Tim sent me some of that stuff about a year and a half, two years ago. And I, unfortunately I had already quit drinking and I brought it down to the comedy store and I handed it out to some comics and for weeks they were coming up to me going, dude, who made that shit?

Where can I get some more of that stuff? So proof's in the pudding. All right, Herbs Cider.com made by the great Tim Herb Alexander, a drummer. Oh, this is going to be fun to read these. He's got so many R's and all of this shit. Um, all right, let's get to the other shit here. What do I got here? What do we got here?

Oli Pop. Oli Pop. Talk about how much you love soda. I do love soda. I love orange soda, Fanta, and I love the fucking, uh, I love root beer. I'm not into diet soda. Fuck diet soda. Um, sis, talk about how much you love soda slash diet soda or used to love soda,

but haven't had it in years. No, I've been, you know, since I quit drinking, I actually, uh, you know, I partake. I partake there late at night because I don't want my daughter seeing me smoking the last of my cigars before I quit again because she's always like, died out. Why are you blowing smoke? So I gotta, I gotta stop doing that, but I drink a root beer with it. So anyways, obviously these guys, Oli Pop, they make fucking soda. Let's get to it here.

Okay. There's a new kind of soda that tastes amazing, but it's actually good for you. Uh, we've converted a ton of customers over from Diet Coke. By the way, if you want to know about Diet Coke, talk to fucking Dean Del Rey. He went out on a date with some chick. He said that used to fucking make that shit. I don't know if it was, that was one of these, I don't know if it was Diet Coke. I don't get fucking sued by these people.

Wait, it's the internet. Can't get sued. Um, she said, I worked for one of the big cola companies and we make the, and she saw him drinking it said, just to let you know when we make that stuff, the concoction for that, they make us wear hazmat suits. So enter Oli Pop. All right. A new kind of soda that tastes amazing.

Then it's actually good for you. I think this is going to be a revolution in, uh, drinking soda. Who doesn't like to have bop, right? Everybody likes it. Um, I actually tried their root beer. I gotta tell you, I'm gonna be dead honestly. It was weird for two sips and then I got used to it. And afterwards I didn't feel like shit.

Like, oh God, why did I do that? Um, I only had the root beer and it gets a big thumbs up from me. It tastes just like the sodas I grew up with without the spoonfuls of sugar and artificial green. It doesn't. It tastes a little bit different, but it's almost like when you've been eating the shit version for a long time, it takes you a second. Like I used to pour a bunch of sugar on my cereal and it took a while after when I stopped

doing that. Now I actually like tasting the cereal. Is that a good example? I hope whatever. It's the first fucking week. Break my balls here. They have delicious flavors like vintage cola, classic root beer. That's the one I had.

Orange squeeze, cherry vanilla and strawberry vanilla. Talk about your favorite. My favorite so far is the root beer. I'll tell you about the other ones because I'm smoking another stick after this. How do I say that in French? I'm going to go smoke a stick. Je vais fumer une club or something like that. I think that's a stogie.

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It's a great way to keep drinking soda and fucking stay in shape. Speaking of staying in shape, we got butcher box, everybody. All right. This year you're going to eat better and spend less time and money at the grocery store. Thanks to butcher box, you should do it. I have been. Butcher box is the meat delivery subscription that gives me more time for what matters most. Jerking off and playing drums.

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Let's plow through these here. All right. Policy genius, everybody. It's a new year. Finally. Let's try to start it off right. If you're trying to save some extra cash is on your mind, think about re-shopping. Think about re-shopping your home and auto insurance rates with policy genius.

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All right, fuck. It was paying for it. There was no advertising on the last one. And all of a sudden there's a whole bunch of this little good thing, okay. Let's get through the goddamn people writing in here. All right, re-flat earth. This is a flat earth for everybody. He says, hey, pasty.

Last time I wrote in about flat earth, I tried to explain a motive for it, which was basic all because I was like, what is the motive for telling people that it's round when it's really flat? He said, which I tried to explain the motive for it, which was basically along the lines of there was a lot of money to be made in the idea of space. You and your guests, I don't remember who it was, who he was, said that it would be impossible to get 100% of the governments on the same page with this big of a lie, which would make sense if more than three countries had been to space.

Oh, Jesus Christ. America, Russia, and China are the only countries to go to space. So you'd only need the three of the most powerful governments to be in on the lie. So I think it's more probable than you and your friend made it out to be, hey, buddy, you don't need to go to space to know the world is round. You just get in a fucking boat and you start sailing west and you keep going till you get back to your house again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, dude, get on that boat, get on that fucking boat, go to Antarctica,

go find the fucking ice wall, take some fucking pictures and then I'll believe you. The best part of waking up is knowing the earth is round. Hollow earth, dear Billy Vem, as in Jewel, dear Billy Verne, as in Jewel Verne, I don't know what that means. If you think that flat, think flat earth is crazy, you should look into hollow earth. Apparently there's a hole in the Arctic that leads to the center of the earth. The Algor is one of the few people who has received permission to go to this Arctic gate. There are great artist illustrations to give if you give it a Google, seems legit to me.

Does that make the earth hollow if there's a hole that goes to the center of it? Let me ask you this. If you take a fucking nail and you hammer it into the center of an apple and then you take the nail out, is the apple now hollow? That just means there's a fucking hole in the center of the earth. I don't give a shit about that as long as I don't fall into it. What the fuck is all of this about? Who gives a shit if it's round, flat or hollow?

I don't give a fuck. Is it still spinning? Is the sun coming up tomorrow? Good. I got other shit to fucking worry about. Jesus, you guys are like bird watchers with like dirt. It's just a fucking obscure hobby. Go fucking do it.

By the way, I saw a fucking clip of a snake that got stuck in a spider web and a black widow was like, I think it was just sitting there. I don't know if it paralyzed it with its poison or what. It was fucking nuts. I can't believe it was real. How the fuck did a snake get all the way up into that thing? When he just watched that Michael Jordan thing come fly with me and he got all amped up and decided to fucking, you know, I mean, that's, you know what?

That's a fucking Pixar movie right there. A snake that wants legs. So sick of just scurrying around the ground, you know, one of his best friends is a centipede. There's a couple of songs in there and some message about fucking live and let live. I don't know. The snake just learns in the end, everybody with legs gets stuck in something. But because it's a fucking snake, it can go down the hole that leads to the center of the earth and the snake proves that the earth is hollow.

And that's the end of the movie. There you go. I don't know. You just fucking have famous people do the voices. I don't know. You guys figure it out. All right. Chinese food.

REC. What does that mean? Chinese food rec. I don't know what that means. All right. I hope this is somebody from China. Oh, Chinese food recommendations. Oh my God.

What a good shit. All right. So I was asking my Chinese listeners, if I have any, to give me the heads up saying you don't have to tell me where your favorite place is to go. You don't have to ruin it by telling a white guy where it is. Just give me your second favorite place where you go. So here we go. Dear Mr. What's going on?

It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just for a Friday morning morning podcast. Belly button. I am your, I am your fan from China. How wild is that? What's up, man? How are you doing? Are you in bed right now?

Well, you're listening. I'm thinking of you in bed as I'm right in this second. Actually no, they're like fucking 14 hours ahead of us. He's probably staring at the clock right now going, how the fuck am I going to get through another day of this goddamn job? All right. I am your fan from China. I enjoy listening to your podcast when I walk around the river in my city.

I often laughed hard when I listened to it. Like when you did the impression of your daughter, dad, you're the greatest in the world. As a mom of an eight year old, I can sense your inner happiness and smartness. Isn't that nice? And you still like me because I assumed you were a guy. Since you want to know which Chinese restaurant to go in LA for authentic Chinese food, I searched online and asked my relatives in LA, what a good shit. Thank you.

So here comes my recommendations. I know you hate bad internet information, but we do trust the restaurant recommendation app I use. And also I asked my relatives. That's the big one. In LA. All right. Now, am I going to share these with everybody else?

Yes, of course I'm going to. All right. She is giving me two. All right. Number one is Din Tai Feng, D-I-N-T-A-I-F-E-N-G. And then she has the Chinese alphabet characters there to spell it out, which is also really cool. You know, be fucking hilarious is if I had that tattoo on me because that's like a big

thing out here. Right? There was a big thing in like the 90s into the 2000s of people who didn't speak Chinese getting Chinese lettering on them. And these guys would just fuck them with them right in like, you know, egg roll and duck sauce or whatever. Anyway, it's more like a, imagine if I read that and my, I thought I had courage, strength and honor in Chinese on my forearm and it turns out I had Din Tai Feng, just the name

of a restaurant. They use my forearm for advertising. They never paid me. That'd be fucking hilarious. It's more like a fusion of Chinese food. So you can find a huge variety of food there. Like Cantonese food, Northern Chinese food, Southern Chinese food, et cetera. It's a chain store too.

I don't know if I like that. People can find it in Singapore, Thailand and other places. I have to say it's way better than Panda Express. The must try one is Juicy Pork Dumpling. All right. It's in Torrance, California on Hawthorne Boulevard. Good deal. All right.

It is Sichuan Expression, S-I-C-H-U-A-N. I apologize to all Chinese people with this brutal pronunciation. I'm trying here, Expression. I think Sichuan food excels in all Chinese cuisines. It's like the Cajun food in Louisiana. It holds a reputation for its huge variety of seasonings used as each dish requires different cooking methods. As the saying goes, one dish with one flavor with 100 dishes comes 100 flavors.

Sichuan food is well known for its hot and spicy flavor. I'm in, though it may sport sweet and sour flavors too. The most commonly used spices are the five fragrances, which consist of fennel, pepper, any seeds, cinnamon and clove, chili and Sichuan pepper. Obviously, I was born in Sichuan, but I have been to many different places in China, so I know lots of people over the country love the food. If you can bear spicy food, all right. If you cannot have spicy food, you can try Kung Pao Chicken.

Isn't that just like a fucking regular, are you fucking with me here? Twice cooked pork and don't forget the snack. It's the fried rice. All right. I need to expand, extend my gratitude to you because I know more about NFL and college football. Thank you for being the sports culture ambassador. Your podcast lights my day and is also a super great way for me to practice my listening.

Look at that. She's learning English listening to my dumb ass. By the way, I realized that your listeners are man probably the other day, but I as a woman feel super happy that I enjoy myself when I listen to you ramble about daily life, stuff and sports. I even wonder what heritage pork was once. Look forward to your Super Bowl podcast. Go fuck yourself.

Best wishes, Ying. Hey, Ying, thank you for listening and thank you for the recommendations. I'm going to try that spicy one. I'm going to actually try both of them. God knows I got the time, man. Pandemic continues. All right. Advice, different relationship with woke sister.

Oh, difficult relationship with woke sister. All right. Now is that it's sister, S-I-S-T-E-R. So, I mean, I feel like that's a relative. If it was S-I-S-T-A, then that would be a different thing, right? All right. Hey, Bill, I'm a recent big fan and lady listener. Look at this.

Two ladies in a row. My boyfriend introduced me to you. We watched paper tiger and had my political and I had my political defenses up. He saw me making faces and just told me to wait and hear you out. I opened my mind and really heard what you were saying. It was hilarious. She brought my defenses down and taught me a lot. Now you're my favorite comedian.

I listen to every podcast. Look at that. Look at that. I brought you into my world of ignorance. I have a difficult relationship with my sister because although she seems to be doing better, she's 20 years old and has already dealt with so much depression. That sucks. However, it just keeps getting harder to keep a relatively good relationship with her.

Yeah, it's exhausting. It's exhausting to have a relative that's depressed, to try to fucking pull them up off the mat every day is exhausting as much as you want to help them out. There are times when you're just like, fuck. Anyway, however, it just keeps getting harder and harder to keep a relatively good relationship with her. I've always tried to help her as much as I can as a sister, but she sulks a lot and really feels sorry for herself.

It affects our relationship because she insists on keeping us parentheses, me and her other sister at a distance to protect us in quotes. She doesn't realize how much of a cop out that is. We all have struggles. Well, it just seems like there's a difference between actually being depressed and just being a mopey asshole, I would think, with my lack of any sort of psychology degree. She thinks hers are worse than anyone's. She's also glued to her phone when we hang out and can't hold a conversation with me

despite my many attempts. Is she depressed or is she self-involved? That's the question for me at this point. Anyways, it seems like she spends all of her time on social media, so it seems fitting with all this that she would fall victim to the white women hijacked woke movement. It would also be if she's on social media all the time, that's also, they say, really is bad if you're a depressed person. Anyway, this is part of the reason I don't feel comfortable around her.

I can't be myself. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. What is she going to do? Cancel you from the fucking Thanksgiving table? You got to go the other way. I would just start acting extra ignorant, which I think is the solution to all of this. All of these overly sensitive fucking people. They just act like more of an asshole.

It truly is, that is the balance of nature. If you're going to get overly sensitive, I'm going to be overly annoying. If you're going to fucking be a good shit, I'll meet you in the middle. All right, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her. She'll jump on me for saying something wrong. On Christmas, I was showing my parents comedians and cars getting coffee. My mom wanted to watch the Dave Chappelle episode and my sister blew up at us about how we made some violently transphobic comments and went to her room.

She came out remembering that it was Christmas and we had to get through dinner. I haven't talked to her since, but she's being fake nice at dinner and I couldn't stand it. Hey, you know what? Sometimes you got to let people just go through this shit and let her walk out. And then what you do is you watch the comedians and car with Dave Chappelle and you act, you just laugh extra loud. That's like fucking DeNiro and Cape Fear when he was at the movies.

Since my problem with her is twofold, I don't know how to approach it. I'm tired of trying to meet her halfway. She calls me and acts like she wants to hang out, but when she does, she doesn't do anything. It's like she's not even there. How do I explain to her how I feel without her getting defensive? Should I even try to talk to her at all? Where should I start? Anything helps.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate your perspective. Yeah, you are completely being held hostage by her emotions. All right. This person doesn't sound depressed to me. They just sound like a fucking asshole. This is what I would try, but you know, if she really is depressed, I don't want you to say something fucked up to her and God forbid she does something crazy.

So what I would do is I just would stop fucking reaching out to her as much and when you hang around there, if she wants to be a mopey asshole, that is not your fucking problem. When you were a kid and you laid in bed, you were like, what is my dream in life? Is my dream in life to cheer up mopey assholes? Try to figure out why they're mopey, even though I was in a good fucking mood, fuck her. If you want to watch comedies and cars with Dave Chappelle, you watch that shit. She doesn't want it. She wants to go to a room.

Fine. Let her go to a room. She doesn't want to scream and yell and be like, look, I want to watch this. I didn't tell you not to go to your room. I didn't try to make you stay here. Yeah. I don't know. She's only 20.

Maybe she'll grow out of it. Hopefully you guys will laugh about it someday, but I think it's really not about her at this point. I think you need to sort of reclaim your own happiness and when you're around people, even if they're relatives and they don't make you happy, then you know, you need to fucking protect yourself. All right. Let's go hang out with somebody fun.

Have a good time. Oh my God, I would break her pulse and be like, little sister, you know what I love about you? You remind me why I love my friends so much because they're not you. No, he can't be that mean. That's what I would do. I would, I would, I think you're, you're, you've sort of lost yourself in this. And I think it's what you've told me.

She's just being, she's being a little controlling. And if she wants to hang out and she's going to sit and look at her phone, then she's, she's being a douche. I would just look over, you know, you can look at your phone at home. What the fuck did you come over here for drinking my goddamn booze? But know that I'm a douche. So there is that take all, and I have no degree in anything. So good luck to you.

All right. I gotta be honest with you. I read that whole thing and I felt bad for you. I didn't feel bad for her at all. Fucking idiot stormy, storming down the goddamn hall. All right. 1966 dash the trap. All right.

My name's Sid, spelled C Y D. Um, I am a woman and a computer programmer. Love your podcasts. I too turn to it to get me through these uncertain times like a junkie. Well, thank you for listening. She says my movie recommendation is the 1966 movie, the trap with Oliver Reed. Hard to find though. I bet I could find it online.

It's got to be somewhere. And also, uh, you like them animal prey shows. You got to see the show. I was prey specifically season two, episode three about the hippo and the tour guide. Oh my God. This is people who almost got eaten. The whole, I was pray series about people being turned into prey by wild animals better than a horror movie.

Okay. That's all for now. I can't say it. I was raised not to curse so I can only vocalize alone to my computer screen G F Y. I respect that nice classy person. The trap. I will definitely check that out. Well, thank you guys for writing in loved hearing from the ladies.

Um, love hearing from people around the world. All of that shit. Love it. Love hearing from sports fans. The whole goddamn thing. So thank you guys for listening. I hope you guys are going to tune in and watch the, uh, Ohio State, Alabama game tomorrow. And that's it.

Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Congratulations to everybody who made the playoffs and congratulations to me. Who the fuck would have thought the Buffalo Bills and the Cleveland Browns? A year and a half, two years ago would both make the playoffs the same year and win the first fucking round. That's so awesome. And I'm really happy for all of the fans.

They waited so long. And, uh, like I said, the Los Angeles Rams, I don't know what the fuck that was, but that looked like when Bill Belichick had the Patriots performing at the top level. It was amazing. And to see Graf come in, you know, just recently, uh, operated on thumb, gutsy, gutsy fucking performance. It was just great. It was great.

I love seeing a, uh, I don't know, they're just the X's and O's of that and how everybody did their job and shut down an incredibly talented team like the Seattle Seahawks. And, um, you know, what's his face there, Flanders? Fuck am I spacing on his name? Oh, sneaky Pete, Pete Carroll. Like he really got that defense where they needed to be. They were letting up all kinds of points early in the year. I thought he did an unbelievable job this year coaching.

He's such a great coach. And I was looking forward to watching them deep into the playoffs and then they ran into that LA team. Just God damn did they shut them down. It was fucking, it was, as a football fan, it was a pleasure to watch. So that's it. And also, I don't know, is a Pat's fan for the first time in fucking two decades. My team isn't in it since the Matt Castle year, I guess, uh, so once in 20 years, uh,

it was kind of fun to just sort of sit there and root for some good football. And I definitely got it in the NFL, add in the team in all of those games. That was the shit. So good on them. That's it. I'll see you guys Thursday.