Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-13

Episode Date: January 14, 2013

Bill rambles about the Golden Globes, wheel chair manners and banging a teacher.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 13, 2013 in the year of our Lord. Ladies and gentlemen, another week has passed. I'm downstairs Sunday night, believe it or not. This is why this podcast hopefully is up on time. Hopefully I was able to upload it on time, pass it on to the person who uploads it and they were able to upload it and you were able to download it. Now you're listening to it. Hopefully that has happened. Um, I'm down here. Nia's upstairs. She's watching the fucking golden globes. Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus sitting in like where my room is where I sit and stare at my computer and act like I actually have a serious fucking career.

It's right off the TV place, the room there. And for fucking two hours, all I'm here and coming out of that room is her watching the golden globes and just one person after another, just going, I won't cry. You congratulate. It was so, so brave. Everything was brave. Such a brave performance. You're, you're unending courage. You're, you're, you're shut the fuck up. Jesus, you would think these fucking people just, I don't know what just won a war. You're, you're, you're, you're compassion for the human experience. You're, you're, you're the, the, the intestinal fortitude of your fucking essence of your aura. Jesus, just fucking blow them already. You know what I mean? Literally mouths filling up with saliva as they're just trying

to get more fucking compliments out. I get it. You know, how people sit there and fucking watch those things. Let me ask you guys a question. Would you show up? Would you show up to some shit like that? If you ever got nominated for something like that, you know, would you go out, would you go to a little tuxedo place down the street, get yourself those plastic shoes that God knows how many people have already fucking worn and gone out and puked and, you know, you stick your head through some fucking rented limo sunroof. Fucking gold clothes, baby. Loser. Winner. Winner. Right here. You, you eating that corn dog. Go fuck yourself. Nominated. Not nominated. Yeah. Yeah, we'll see. Right. Then you fucking

have a couple of Michelobes. I mean, you walk in there. The nomination for most original screenplay goes to zippy zipper fest. They play the stupid music and you got to walk up to take my agent, my publicist, my, I'm sorry, I'm driving a blank. My wife, the unending courage of bravery and putting up with me and now I'm not easy. I know I'm you keep using an English accent, but it just always seems to be some sort of British accent now. You know, even like when you go on the internet there, you go on the internet. How old did I just sound and they try to explain something or sometimes when they have like a fucking what do you call it there? You call up and somebody puts, you know, you get to the voicemail,

right? They got that English accent going on. I don't understand why that they're really in fucking vogue. I went to my favorite website that Ted.com because it always blows my mind with these fucking eggheads are working on and every once in a while, something inspirational. And today I went on there and I'm looking at this fucking lady and named Sue Austin. She got sick. So now she's in a wheelchair or she calls it a power chair. So she was actually psyched get to get in the wheelchair because I guess she was bedridden and then she got in the wheelchair and she was like psyched. She goes, I could fucking cruise down the street. You know, you know, the wheelchairs they got now, like those old people have, they're not the same

ones like you, you know, I don't think we've experienced our first death yet, but if they make those fucking wheelchairs any faster, like this, you know, there's going to be a lawsuit. You know, so anyway, she's flying down the street and in her in her wheelchair, evidently having the fucking time of her life feeling the wind in her face because anything's better than laying in that fucking bed under all those blankets. So she's psyched goes out in the world's having a great time. Of course, she's saying all this in an English accent, feeling the wind on my face. Bloy me. All these cunts scattering about. So anyways, long story short, she's taken aback how everybody like almost like ignores her.

You know what I mean? Which I try not to do when I meet people in wheelchairs, you know what I mean? Like you try to fucking you're looking them in the eye, you're having a conversation, but you can't help but feel like you look, you're obviously you're looking down on them. Then it feels like this weird like condescending thing like, Hey, you down there. I'm talking you up here. Right. So what else are you going to do? You're going to squat down and now they feel like a little kid and you're going to tie their shoe or something. It's really weird. They should really be some sort of standing to wheelchair manners drawn up. You know what I mean? It's going to be weird if you that if you sit down to

or you then mocking their condition because at the end of the conversation, you can get up and walk away. You know what I mean? And all you're trying to do is not hurt their fucking feelings. Well, evidently, you know, they're well aware that you didn't put them in the chair. So they're like, just treat me fucking normal. Evidently. You know, could I say evidently one more fucking time this week? God knows there's some douche out there counting it. Oh, I'm not trying to be a dick, but um, this week's podcast, you said evidently fucking 14 really? What did you do after you got done counting the evidently? What was the next exciting part of your fucking day? You goddamn cunt. So anyways, back to the lady in the wheelchair. So I don't know, I kind of fast forward through

some of the video, right? Because I got to do this podcast and she she got into diving or some shit. Oh, I know, somehow she could she I know she just starts talking about fucking scuba diving. And when you put that shit on the apparatus that you go scuba diving with, all of a sudden, like the wheelchair, it alters your way that you move around in the world. But scuba diving was was looked at is looked upon is exciting. So I thought, what if I combined the two? I know this is a brutal accent. So she basically fucking put on a mask, a regulator, and a tank in the back, put some fins on the fucking wheelchair. And this lady had the balls, the fucking ovaries, if you will, to scuba dive. So they cut to her going through the ocean. She's

got long hair. It's hanging out the back floating. She's fucking in a wheelchair sitting down going through the ocean. It was beautiful and creepy, all at the same fucking time. It's kind of frightening. I got to admit, it was a little bit frightening, kind of reminded me a little bit of that movie mama that's coming out, you know, with that fucking tree woman that raised those two kids, two kids get lost in the woods, and then they find this this fucking creepy woman tree dirty person. I don't know what the fuck it is. But I'm definitely seeing that movie because that movie better not disappoint me. Because I saw the ads for that. You guys see the ads for that mama, you know, these two kids get lost in the fucking woods, and this thing raises them. And then I guess the humans,

you know, find them, and they bring the two kids back. They're out there for like five fucking years. And evidently, the fucking dirty mother from the woods is not happy that she lost her kids. So she comes back to get them. And once again, you people who are not in the guns, you know, and you're against the NRA, I'll tell you right now. I would love to hear what you had to say when some fucking half a tree, half a woman dirty fucking individual comes into your house from the woods after you find your kids because you somehow lost them out there for the last five fucking years comes back into your house. And you're sitting there with a bread knife and an English muffin and this fucking thing comes through

the goddamn window. Huh? Wouldn't you want to have a semiotic assault rifle? Not trying to cause a debate. I'm just I'm just putting it out there. You know, just trying to take a different angle on this. So anyways, this lady is in a fucking wheelchair scuba diving. All right. I'm terrified of the ocean. Absolutely fucking I can't even say I'm terrified. I'm informed of the ocean. I know what's in it. I know some of what's in it. That's another thing too. We don't even know everything that's in it and you get and you can't see it and you're going to go there and you can't fucking breathe. So you got to bring you got to bring air with you. Yeah, that is a good idea.

Yeah. I'm going to fucking go someplace where I can't breathe. Don't worry. I brought some air. I want to go where I can't fucking breathe. Everything's faster than me. And if it wants to, it might start eating me alive. But don't worry. I brought some air. Yeah, these fucking people that they're out of their minds and they don't deserve to be rescued. I don't get I don't understand, you know, the Coast Guard, other than international freight, because we got to get food and shirts to people. Okay, so if those people get in trouble, I definitely think you should go out and try and help them out. Okay. But if you're just fucking out there, you know, beach blanket,

when you're out there surfing, you know, or you put on some goggles and you bring some air and you decide to go on to this, you know what? Go fuck yourself. We don't have the money. California doesn't have that. We don't have the money to go save you. This fucking state is broke. God damn assholes. They got fucking DUI checks every three feet. And why do you think that is? Because they're trying to crack down on it? No, because they're making a fortune often catching some people who had a couple of Budweiser's. You know, I don't even know what I'm talking about this week. So anyways, this lady in the fucking wheelchair, she scuba dives now. She can't move her fucking legs. And she has the fucking ovaries to go down

there. And I don't have the balls to do it. I'm absolutely blown away by her. But then on another side, she's kind of cheating. Because like if a shark comes at her, she could just sort of lean to one side and all he's going to get is a mouthful of metal and you know, break all his teeth. That would be great. Now you like that leg. Good. Take a shot at you just fucking lean. Shark comes in fucking knocks out all this teeth. Fucking freaking out, freak out a shark, get him to put his little flipper over his mouth like a little kid who broke his front teeth. I don't know if you see her, I know that they're trying to make it beautiful. But there's something about her long hair, the fact that she's sitting down,

it's just weird. And it's creepy. Do you know I keep seeing that dirty mother, half a tree person with the leaves in her hair, I actually like the downstairs in my house is, it's just creepy. I don't know what it is. There's something that's creepy about it and I love it because I come down here and my mind starts fucking with me and I don't believe in ghosts. I don't believe in monsters of, you know, other than just shit that we know that exists like sociopaths, axe murderers, grizzly bears. And even a grizzly bear is not a monster. It's just hungry and I'm there. Okay, I would like that it wouldn't maul me and try and eat me. But it's not sitting there like, whoa, I'm going to fucking ruin this guy's day.

Doesn't have a, it's just hungry. It's trying to get a sandwich. All right. And if I'm in its vicinity, I'm like one of those sweaty pieces of turkey that you see in one of those subway fucking franchises. You know, I want to buy one of those things. I want to buy a fast food franchise. That's how I'm going to get out of this fucking business. I'm going to buy something that just fucking serves people poison. I'm going to buy it and I'm going to sit on the roof dressed like the mascot. And I'm going to have a little bullhorn and just real creepy as people walk in. I'm just going to be going, go ahead and eat it. Come on, you're fantastic. Get in there and just get that grease on your fucking on your arteries.

Big fucking clown shoes. You know, maybe I'll just yell at him. Why is your mascot so mean? I hate when people defend eating like shit because they're broke. You know what I mean? I mean, how much does an apple really cost? You'd be surprised that shit will fill you up. You get a banana for 25 fucking cents. You can get 25 even as a you can be a fucking white dude, blue blood white dude in a suit. If you stand there long enough going, hey, can I have a quarter? Could somebody give me a quarter? Someone will give you a fucking quarter. You got a banana. There you go. You can ride that out till lunch, can't you? Starts raining, you open your mouth. All right, you get some water. Then what? Then lunchtime comes around.

Lunch is tough. Trying to beg for a lunch. That's a rough one. You know, how long do you think you're homeless before you look homeless? That's the crucial time. It's like that show, the first 48. You got 48 hours before you look like you've been out there for 48 days. So you got basically two days to somehow get the fuck off the streets or else you're in it for a while. You know, I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about this week, everybody. I'm just trying to get this fucking thing done because I got shit to do tomorrow. I got shit to do. All twinkle toes here has some shit to do. Am I really 15 minutes in? Well, you know what?

Why don't we just do a couple of little advertisements? You got two this week, everybody. Isn't that nice? Let's get two. We're going to do two right now. We'll get them. What the hell? What is this? Jesus, that's that fucking ripoff. Has nothing to do with the advertising. You know what? I'm the worst. Okay, there it is. Stamps.com, everybody. You know the drill. Stamps.com. This will literally change your life in such a great way. If you're new to my podcast, if you go into the post office, okay, you don't have to do it anymore. You can bring the post office right into your own apartment, your own house. Maybe they've refinished the garage. You know, your parents let you move in after college. You can show a little initiative. Sign

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today. All right, back to business here. Did you guys watch any of the, oh, you know what? The tree person. Whatever. I don't want to keep calling a tree person. It just looks like, the person looks like they're made out of bark. So when I come downstairs in my house, it's the bank's house. Who's kidding who? All right. I just, whenever you buy something, all you do is you just switch and landlords. You know, I loan people the, you rented the, oh, people just, oh, I bought my house. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You sold yourself. You freed yourself from this guy and then you sold yourself into indentured survey, survey two to the two and a 30 years. That's what you did. How old are you now? Add 30 to that. All right. Yeah. That's when you own your house.

Hey, don't get mad at me. I don't make the fucking rules. Um, so anyways, with my bank owned house here, this is what I do when I come downstairs and I get freaked out, you know, whatever the latest monster movie that comes out, if it, if it catches me, whenever I come down and the lights are out and I have to walk into the dark room before I turn the light on, I always pictured that thing being in there, coming at me and I can really freak myself up. You know, same way, like if I jump into a pool and I start thinking, what if there's a fucking alligator swimming right at me? It makes me feel real quick to the side. You know, it's just your fucking mind playing tricks on you. So I know, I know how to get over

it now. What I do is I walk in the room and I don't turn on the lights and I fucking 360, just give the whole room the finger. That's what I do. And I've never gotten killed for doing it. If you want to get over that shit, that's how you keep your mind right. I know I'm out of my mind. Do you guys watch all this? How fucking great were the games? I know there's a lot of bummed out fans because your team lost. And I'll tell you right now, I wonder who do you think aged more Bronco fans or Atlanta fans or Seahawk fans? I mean, those two fucking games were unbelievable. Unbelievable. And I know what a lot of people are thinking right now.

For all those years when I trashed Peyton Manning, because they kept saying that, you know, if I had to start date, despite Tom Brady's three rings, and Peyton Manning had zero at that point, the guy had to start where I still got to go with Peyton Manning. You know, I'm actually going to defend Peyton Manning. And that loss last week was not his fault. Okay. Now I know that they had, you know, a punt return or something like that and that bullshit or whatever. Okay. The guy had a tip ball for an interception, tipped off his own fucking receiver's hands for a pick six. That's not on him.

All right. Now he had the Brett Favre running right, throwing back left across the body over the middle for a pick. He did do that. However, the goat of that game is Raheem Moore. All right. You're up fucking seven points, 30 seconds left. There's 70 yards away. And he stands there and they got no timeouts left. 30 seconds. He stands there like, like, oh, what if they run it? Don't let anybody get behind you. So this fucking guy runs by champ Bailey, right? Champs got him down low. This guy's supposed to come over and have him over the top.

He gets there late and they let Joe Flacco, Joe Flacco, who they keep telling me, is this fucking amazing. He even says it. He even says he's amazing. I see moments of it. All right. But I think he's been in the fucking league long enough to realize that he's not amazing. He is efficient with glimpses of brilliance. And I don't think there's a fucking Raven fan out there that would argue with me. All right. I don't even think he's Tony Romo. I don't. He's just one of those fucking guys, one of those guys. I don't know what it is. Just, do you notice like how certain fucking teams, they're just good in one area. They just know how to draft this one fucking position,

or maybe just know how to draft defensive plays. Like, look at the giants. Nobody knows how to draft front four guys on a defense like the fucking giants. They're unbelievable. Steelers always have a great, always have a great defense. Then there's other teams that are just fast fucking teams. They always have great wide receivers. And then the, I don't know, the fucking Ravens, they just can't pick a quarterback to save their goddamn life. They can't. So anyway, so this guy fucking throws this ball, throws it up for grabs, a la Eli Manning, except he was actually facing where he was throwing it, as opposed to turning and facing the opposite end zone with his shoulders up. Oh, did he catch it?

I'm fucking with your Giants fans. It was a hell of a throw. Anyways, so there's fucking Ryan Moore. He's getting over there late. All of a sudden he fucking starts turning around because he looked over the wrong shoulder. And for a half a second, he's running backwards. He looked like a right fielder in Little League baseball. You know what I mean? That kid, please don't hit it to me. And he fucking stops running, jumps up, misses the ball, lands on his fucking ass. The Ravens dude catches it. Champ Bailey is right on that guy's ass. But now because of Raheem, he had to hurdle that guy, which gave the Ravens receiver enough. You can see it in champ's fucking body language when he

hurdles over that kid. You can see he's like, ah, he's going to fucking score now. And they scored. All right. What more does Peyton Manning have to do? They put up fucking 35 fucking points against the Ravens. That should be enough to win the game. So I don't think that that's on, I don't think that that loss is on Peyton Manning as far as like blowing the game. The up by seven points with 30 seconds fucking left, 70 yards to go. That's on the goddamn defense. All right. So I know a lot of you guys thought I was going to pile on. I actually felt bad for Peyton Manning and I enjoyed watching him this year. Now that he was finally out of a Colts uniform, I could enjoy watching him because I had major problems. You guys know the deal with the

Colts crying about the Patriots. He tried too hard. We made a tape of it. Yeah. Sorry Colts, all the shit that all that shit they're doing covering your receivers. That's all legal. Well, it shouldn't be. Well, then fucking, I don't know, change the rules, right? And the fucking owner sits on the rules committee. Next thing you know. Next thing you fucking know. And the whole game changed. Whole game changed. All offense, defense, everything is fucking changed because of the goddamn Colts because those fucking cunts couldn't beat us. And that's why all damn Marino's records have fallen. That's why he's starting to see Jerry Rice's records are being beaten by Wes Welker. You know, that's why it's very rare to see an aggressive cornerback anymore.

Because it's basically, as far as I can tell, it's kind of illegal to cover a receiver. I've been through this shit. So anyways, now anyway, we're trying to say so now that he plays for the fucking Broncos, I actually, that was my prediction. I said the Patriots are going to beat the Texans and we're going to go into Denver and we were going to lose because they had a better defense than we did. And our defense has been suspect all year, although they played great. They did play great today. And it was still close. You know, I think today I finally understood the prevent defense when I was watching the Texan in their second to last drive where they for some reason had no sense of urgency and they were down by three scores and I watched them. The Patriots just went,

you know, protected the sidelines, kept it over the middle and those guys burned off like four and a half fucking minutes and got the two-point conversion. And somehow they were only down by 10, but all we had to get was a couple of first downs and the whole thing was fucking over. I still don't like it. I don't, I still don't fucking like it. And I don't, I don't know what else to tell you, dude, I'm fucking burned out. I watched so much goddamn football. You know, how psyched is the head coach with his Santa Claus hair with his buzz cut Santa Claus fucking hair that Atlanta finally won one? That was his ass. He would have to put his house on the market. If they lost today, that was it. If they were up by 20 and they fucking lost to

Seattle, that was fucking it. But I gotta tell you, man, Seattle is the future, man. If they can somehow keep that team together, that's a scary, that's going to be a scary, scary fucking team. And goddamn it, Pete Carroll is a good coach. Didn't get to see him do that too much until the second half. But whatever, congratulations to all the winners. Who do you guys like? Who do you like? I have no idea. I kind of got to think, I would say the 49ers. God knows they were fucking kicking the Patriots ass. But you always got to, you always got to figure Bill Belichick. You know, once he's seen you once, that's it. You know, plus all this shit he filmed. I mean, you got to think we might have you the second time around, but that's provided we can get by

the Ravens. All right, can I do my dumb ESPN shit? Bill, what do you think the keys to the game is? I think it all comes down to Joe Flacco. All right. I think I think we I think we can somehow contain Ray Rice, so he won't kill us too bad. Hopefully he won't rip off an 80 yard fucking touchdown carry on the first goddamn play, but it all comes down to Joe Flacco. Is it going to be bonehead Joe Flacco? Or is it going to be the Joe Flacco they keep telling me is going to fucking show up each week? All right, if the prodigy shows up, we could be in trouble because everybody knows the Ravens. They all know their fucking defense. And by the way, I'm sick of people talking about Ray Lewis going, yeah, can he just retire already and get on,

go back to his murdering career? He was never convicted of murder. He was initially going to be charged that I think you might have been charged. Was he charged? He was charged with obstruction of justice. He pled guilty to that to make it fucking go away. I don't know. I looked it up on Wikipedia. It is kind of shady. I don't know what happened. It was he had some sort of John Travolta white suit that was never recovered from that evening. I don't know. I never believe any of that shit. He was also a fucking multimillion dollar athlete in a fucking club. And some shit went down. So God knows they got to drag him into it. The lawyer's will anyways, right? Hey, Bill, you ever think about talking about shit that you know about instead of just running

your goddamn mouth? Anyways, yeah, I'm excited about all these new quarterbacks that are coming in that Colin Kaepernick and Russell Wilson, man, those guys, I was kind of looking forward to seeing those guys square off, but being a Boston guy, I'm glad a BC guy won. But my prediction, somehow the Patriots were going to squeak by the Ravens. I'm going to age like nine years. And I don't think the 49ers are going to have a problem with the Ravens and with the Ravens, with the Falcons. I think they're too deep. I think their quarterback is not even remotely nervous. I think he actually enjoyed, he actually said that he enjoys playing in close games. I think the 49ers got that guy. They have a fucking beast on the horizon here. And this is another

wave of new quarterbacks coming in and somehow Brady and Peyton are the old guys now. It's unreal. And I'm older than all of them. All right, on with the podcast here. I know there's going to be a lot of people disappointed that I didn't trash Peyton Manning, but did you understand what I'm saying? That one isn't on him. It's not on him. But what's funny is now, after all these years of me talking about his playoff records, saying all that shit, they're finally bringing all of that up. They're finally saying what I've been saying when I now don't hate the guy anymore. You know, now I'm watching ESPN going, ah, geez, you don't have to bring that up. I'm a fucking nut. So anyways, this is the big exciting thing in my life.

You know, I've finally got this fucking house somewhat ship shape and asshole. I bought an old house, you know, and when you buy something old, it's just constantly falling down. Like I actually had to turn the heat off because it's loud as fuck. And I looked up and I said, oh, I could actually adjust that vent that looks like it was put in in like 1975, you know, some sort of Brady Bunch era vent that's in the ceiling. So I go up there and I go to shut it off and it's so fucking old. It can't quite close. It can only close to the point where the hot air is now whistling through the vents. So my options were either to leave it full blast drying out what's left of the top of my head, the hair on top of my head, having it whistle or sit here in the cold, which is what

I'm doing. You know, no shit, is that fucking tree lady going to show up? Because it feels like it's outside coming up here with leaves in her fucking bush. I have to go see that movie. Why is it crawling around on the floor? Oh, I speak at a movies. Oh, there's a segue for you. Ben Affleck won for Argo. And I was looking it up there online and evidently Iran was less than thrilled with his version of what the fuck happened in Argo. So evidently they evidently I said it again, they're going to make they're going to make their version of Argo. All right, any movie nerds out there who listened to this podcast, please stay on that. I want to watch that movie. I really want to watch that fucking movie. I want to see their version of what they think happened. You

know, we got the Hollywood version. Why shouldn't we get the Tehran version? That's what they should start doing. I think around the world, when a big Hollywood movies make movies about other countries, that country should just pull their money together in an adorable way that all the little insignificant countries around the world, you know, let me just couldn't know, there's only like this, like three real countries. Like the world is, it's kind of like baseball, where there's like, you know, there's like six teams are going to be competing for it every year. And the rest of you, you're like the Brewers, you know? Hey, you want me to be the ignorant American? I'll fucking play it up. Oh, Bill, stop acting like you're dumbing your shit down. We all know you're all right,

go fuck you're right. You're right. I'm dumb. So anyways, I've been trying to, oh, so any stay on that, please for the love of God, stay on that. And I ran if you're listening. All right. Don't fucking pussy out. Make that movie. I want to see it. I think it's great. Let me see your lies. Let me see what you got to say about what happened. What's your version going to have? Huh? Those six people were rapists or were they friends of yours and you actually helped them on the plane. I want to see it. All right. If you could just, you know, take time out of hating and just make a movie. That's actually bad. I shouldn't say that. Not everybody hates over there. There's got to be an Iranian Bill Burst sitting there trying to podcast.

I saw it. I saw a documentary on kids who play heavy metal and metal music and trying to be in a fucking band and either I rack or I ran. I forget what it was. It was really interesting. So there we go. Let's let's fucking cap that ignorance right there, Bill. So anyways, I own this, I own this old house. This old house is a piece of shit. This old house has a bunch of plaster that Abraham Lincoln fucking put in in the vid fucking eight sixteenths. So I'm gradually getting this thing. I had to fucking do the guts first. I had to do the wiring and I had to do the plumbing. And by saying I had to do it, I mean I hired another man to come over and do what I don't know how to do. So I think I got it in ship shape. I think I finally got rid

of the last little bits of galvanized pipe. I got everything in here. Now it's all copper. Right. So I don't even want green or brown fucking water. I got most most of the electrical done. You know, I don't know. I don't know what was going on. We had some sort of fucking exposed wire near the gas and we literally could have blown ourselves up every time we fucking use the fireplace or something. So got that straight out. Last week, you know, we got we got dish rather than cable and last people here had cable. So I'll tell you right now, two fucking people that I can't stand and two people that you won't be able to stand when you fucking get a house are painters and the cable guy. Alright, the guys who install cable, these

fucking cunts. First of all, painters, they paint over everything. They don't give a fuck. Door knobs, hinges, doorbells, windows, outlets. If there's a fucking kid leaning up against the kid leaning up against the wall, they're fucking they'll paint over like they'll go up down up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Give the kid three fucking swipes before they realize, oh, wait, this is a living thing. They'll paint your fucking dog. They don't give a shit. What color you want it? All right, everything. Why don't you just grab the bucket of paint, take the lid off and then just start spinning around with it because that's what the fuck you're doing. You know, then I got to go and clean up your goddamn mess. So anyways, and then the cable guys

when they install cable, they basically unload like five miles of cable. They completely overestimate what they need and then they grab a fucking drill and and a staple some sort of staple gun, they go engage, engage, engage up the side of your fucking house. And then whatever's in their way, they just drill through it. So I spent like three hours the other day climbing all over my house getting this shit off. You know, now I got to go back with like fucking stucco and whatever the fuck I got to do and patch up some of these holes. You know, some of the nails came out and took a chunk of this shit out through all of that out. So now, you know, spackled the walls, repainted them. I'm all

fucking good. So now I get to do the fun shit. I get to actually work on something that you can see. So we got these doors upstairs, got like five doors upstairs, three of them are original from the old days. And then two of them are Home Depot specials, which basically means an eight year old having a temper tantrum could put his little fucking eight year old hand through them. So I don't know, I actually found a place where they have all these old fucking vintage doors and it's made of the old shit. You know, when you fucking knock on the door makes that solid sound as opposed to that shit sound, you know, that IKEA sound. That's IKEA. You hear that? Wait a second. That's IKEA. This right here. That's vintage door here. Shit. Can you tell the difference? Well, you know

what? Go fuck yourself. I can't. Wait, here's, here's, here's some IKEA. Here's some IKEA right here. Hear that? I have no balls. You hear that? And that fucking wood that, you know, IKEA gets their wood. They basically like you ever see those popsicle stick houses? They have Cambodians make those, but instead of like a house, they make a dresser out of it. That's what they do. And they just unscrew it and they ship it over here. That's what they do. So anyways, I found these old fucking doors and they are in rough shape. I ain't gonna lie to you, but I'm actually going to attempt to refinish these fucking things. So if anybody out there knows, what can I use to take the paint off? I don't want to use this sander. I don't want to fuck the thing

up. All right, my dad was telling me they got this goop. You can just paint on it. You walk away, you come back, it shrivels up and then you just fucking wipe it off. Does anybody know what the name of it is? This is what I do when I do this shit. I ask somebody I respect like my dad, and then I ask like fucking 20 other people. And then I just I put it all together. Bill, we really don't want to hear about you read fucking doing you how go fuck yourself. Let's get let's get to some emails for the week, shall we? I'm still in a Christmas mood. I didn't trash fucking paint Manning. India's rebuttal. Do you remember a few weeks? I'm not reading that fucking one. I'll get to that

one in a second. Professor wants to bang. Hey, Bill, I'm a 19 year old male college freshman and my professor wants to have sex. Do it. I'm sorry. That wasn't me. That was somebody else yelling. Okay, I'm gonna be a professional. I kept getting these signs ever since the first few weeks of class began. You're 19. You're an adult, right? I'm not really I can't get in trouble here, right? Um, I noticed anytime I am running late to class by a few minutes, she would always wait for me to start class. Do get to the good part. What does she look like? Every time I walked in, she would say things like, Oh, I was worried you were sick. And I was worried you were going to miss my class. Jesus, she's putting it out there right in front of the whole class.

Yes. Anytime anyone else is late to class, she ignores them and starts on time. Well, wait a minute, are you the teacher's pet when she says, so did everybody do the reading last night? Do we have any thoughts on the assigned material? Everyone just sits there staring at her chewing their gum slowly and you actually put your your hand up. Oh, Michael, what do you have to say? I found it. I thought it was brave. I thought it was it was exquisite. You know, all right, let me just read the rest of this here. Anytime anyone else is late to class, she ignores them starts on time. Okay. She is always over the top nice to me when we see each other. I brushed this off and I didn't let it get

big in my head. All right. So he's he's he's like, he's not thinking that this is going to happen. Okay. A telltale sign came to me one day when I was smoke. I was at the smoking section on the campus after I left her class. I cheated word for word from the girl that sits next to me in class on a test I had just finished. The girl that sits next to me came down to the smoking section with a bag of chocolate in her hand and gave it to me. She told me our professor gave it to her to give to me. Yeah, boy. Dude, trying to bang your teacher is like trying to get away with a murder. The more people who are involved, the bigger chance you have of getting caught. So what the fuck is she given this girl chocolate for bringing her in the fall? Fuck, she wants to threesome.

Right? Is this is what this is where is this where it's going? Please tell me it's going in this direction. She's like a red shoe diary. I asked the girl if our professor gave the chocolate to the class when I left and she said no. I tried to keep calm. I thought you were going to say as my dick was filling up. I tried to keep calm and asked the girl how she did on the test. I told her I copied her word for word and she said she thinks she did okay. A few minutes later, a professor came down to the smoking section where her car was parked. The girl asked the professor what what she made and the professor tells her she made a 74. When I asked her, she flipped her hair, smirked at me and told me I made a 94. Wow. Okay, I'm going to tell you right now.

Right fucking now. If this happens, dude, you wear two condoms. This woman is reckless. Okay. Go ahead and bang your fucking teacher down and do it towards the end of the semester. So bad. Anyways, she's 36 years old and divorced. On this certain website where evidently people can basically rate their teachers, the students rated her as hot. I want to ask her out to lunch sometime. Dude, she's 36. Just fuck her. She doesn't want to go to lunch. She's 36. She wants lunch. She'll buy her own lunch, but that's, you know, you're 19. I keep forgetting that. Anyways, the only reason why I haven't asked her out yet is because she told me she has a 13 year old daughter. That's the sound

of a vagina. She already had a kid. My question to you is, would it be wrong? There are other girls I have met, but they are the typical dumb whores you find in college. Okay. All of them. I wouldn't think every girl is a dumb whore. Is every guy a dumb jock? Is every jock dumb? See what happens when we talk in absolutes. Um, I am not saying I want to marry this broad. Just a one night stand with the history, with the professor would be nice. I am not the type of guy that likes to go around and, and fuck as many girls as I meet. That is why I keep thinking that she has, that she has a daughter and I should probably stay away. What do you think?

Um, I don't know, dude. The fact that you had it that you don't want to fucking do it. I don't know. Well, listen, do you know how to bang a girl and then fucking see her the next day and have it all be cool? That that's a skill, you know, and not have her feel like you used her or whatever. You know, do you know how to do that? I can tell you one thing you don't want to do is what I would do was, was the next day I'd be like, Hey, oh, fucking weird. And then they get mad. And the next thing you know, all their friends are fucking looking at you like you're a douche,

and they start drawing, writing shit on your locker. That's a fucking nightmare. Um, if you've mastered the art on how to fuck somebody and not be, you know, something dude. If you're going to fuck this girl, you have to do it at the end of the semester once it's over. Um, this girl, she's reckless. She's a nightmare. If she's fucking putting this out, it's unbelievably unprofessional. She should be way more discreet. All right. And you cheated on this girl word for word. She gave you 20 points high. You know what, dude, stay away from this girl. This girl is, is she's going to get fucking pregnant and you don't want it to be you. All right. Who doesn't want to fuck a teacher? Everybody does,

but you know something you don't want to have a fucking, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Stay away. Why don't you go meet some nice girls and stop talking to dumb whores and, uh, you know, I don't know, rub one out before you go to class and really think about it. And then let me know what happens. Okay. All right. Hate people considering Florida. Wow. Okay. You don't like people and you want to go to Florida. You're either going to totally fit in or commit mass murder when you go down there. Bill. Hey, huge fan. I've been living in New York my entire life. And now that I'm working in New York city, all I can say is that I hate people. I agree with you that the population is way too big. There's simply way too many assholes

out there. I consider myself a decent person. So I am not all high and mighty, but one thing that is important to me is respect. I commute to New York city every day. And all I can say is that the majority of people are assholes. Nobody has simple manners anymore. Nobody says, thank you when you're, when you hold the door, nobody even holds the door. People are obnoxious on the phones and public places, et cetera. Even out driving people are dicks. People will cut you off and then tell you to go fuck yourself. Yeah, that might have been me. I do that all the time. Look at this fucking guy who's on his fucking phone after I was just on my phone cutting off the person that I'm now in front of. I'm emailing you because I listen to your podcast every Monday

and I hear what kind of advice you give and I like it because you're, you are being honest. I hate, oh, thank you. I hate the people so much here that I'm considering moving to Florida once I get married and start a life there. I'm 24 years old, have a great job, have a great girl, and I am miserable simply because of other people. My girlfriend hates that I am like this, but I keep telling her there's nothing I could do. I am just like, I'm just like that. She keeps telling me that if I continue like this, I'll eventually become a bitter person and she is probably right. Yeah. And you're going to end up losing her because who the fuck wants to be tied to that? Um, he says, I have gone to Florida many times and love the Southern hospitality.

People seem just happy all the time and I want that. My girlfriend's parents bought a house down there recently and we've off and have offered us to live there to try it out. Of course, after we get married. I know it'd be a big step since I would be leaving behind my family and friends, but I feel like I need to do something this drastic to keep my sanity. The only bad thing I hear about Florida is the job market, but I will soon be a CPA. My girlfriend is finishing her master's in education. So I think as professionals in our field, we should have no problem finding a job. If you were in my position, what would you do? Am I just overreacting? Am I just crazy? Thanks in advance. Um, ah, fuck. What would I do if I was you? I don't know, dude.

I just can see you moving to Florida or going down to Florida and looking through rose-colored glasses, thinking it's the shit. And then you're down there and you're in your house and you got your little fucking job or whatever. And then you're going to start hating the people down there with their ponytails and their fucking Miami vice tank tops. Um, their criminal records, the meth problem, the alligators, the fucking brutal, brutal, brutal humidity, the mosquitoes, the size of a fucking golf ball. Uh, yeah, I mean, there's some nice places in Florida and then there's the rest of Florida. It's either it's, yeah, it's a different deal, dude. And just being an East Coast guy and coming down from, I don't know, I mean, but you're a young guy.

It's one of those things that it's, it's something that is recoverable. You can definitely get out of it. I would be more apt to tell you to go down there if you were single, you know, go down there single, get a fucking flop house to stay in, check it out, see how you like it. But just know that when you leave, you're leaving all that food, you leave it all that culture, you're leaving all your sports teams. Cause you say here, by the way, thank God, hockey is back. I can go back to not giving a shit about basketball, go Islanders, fuck the Rangers. Um, you're going to miss that down there, dude. You're going to have the lightning, which is actually a great fucking franchise, great franchise. And you got the Panthers. So, um, I don't know, man, you just got to

what would I do if I was you? Um, I would get, I would learn to figure out why I, it's actually something I'm learning how to do. So I'm trying not to have let people affect me that much. Like I love living in LA and every time I get in my fucking car, it takes me about sometimes I don't even get off my street and I yell at the person in front of me. I just go, just fucking go. And then I laugh going like, dude, you need, you, I can still see my house. I'm already this mad. And I sit there talking to myself going, they had the worst fucking drivers. Oh yeah, go slower, slower. Yeah. Take a take all day, all day. There you go. They slower, slow it down. Yeah. Hit the brakes when they go to make a right turn.

These people out here, like that whole, I mean, you said you liked the Southern vibe, like, you know, we're on the front of the beat. If you look at it musically, you got the front of the beat on the beat and then laid back on the back of the beat. We, East Coast fucking people, meaning Boston, New York, Philly, we're fucking, we get to DC, start getting a little bit of that sharpness, a little bit of it, a little bit of it snaking in there, but we're fucking like, we're on your shit. No huddle, fucking full court press. That is our energy. So just know that you're going from that to like, Hey, sit down there, man. Have yourself a biscuit. Let me tell you a story. They just fucking, you know, arm out the window. I got all

fucking day. Just no sense, no sense of urgency. Like the Texans on their second to last drive. Dude, I would definitely go down there and check it out before you do and really think about all the stuff that you're leaving behind. And that whole thing that, you know, me and my wife are going to be professionals. The job market should be wide open. When I think of Florida, I think of foreclosed homes. Like those people really got fucked down there. There's a lot of check out the job market before you get down there before. I don't know. The only thing you got going for yourself is your 24. So you can still go for broke at that age. But I don't know, I would learn to like people be a little more tolerant because you're going to go down there

and eventually what do they say about Florida, a sunny place for shady people? You know, if that's sort of like you're going to run into a lot of people who look like dog the bounty hunter when you're down there, all I'm saying, unless you go to fucking Miami. Anyways, hello, Mr. Burr. What is this? Pathetic cheater. I am currently a high school freshman. My dilemma and or issue is my father, him and my mother are married and have been for the past six years. My okay, so this is obviously a second marriage here for somebody. My mom has been divorced. There we go before with my brother's father. This is like one of those math problems. If a train is leaving, she married my dad when I was seven, probably. Did you just like dictate this and

somebody like typed it out? This is very conversational. She married my dad when I was seven, probably she stayed with them through a lot of physical fighting, previous cheating, and she still believes he's still a good guy. He's currently unemployed and has been for almost three years and claims he's sick of not working. But every time my mom tries to apply him for a job, he gets an attitude, which I think if you're a male and you're not the provider of your family and are in no rush, you know, in no rush to be the provider, it makes you a bitch of a man. That's his job, isn't it? So as of recently being the last three years after moving my what the fuck. So as of recently being the last three years after moving, my mom has been the sole source of income and he's been

home every day collecting unemployment of 200 bucks, laying on his ass, doing nothing, but calling up random hideous women and going behind her back on random dating websites, claiming things he wants to do sexually to these random women. Jesus Christ. Sounds like the Dwight Yocum character in Sling Blade. Get out of my fucking house. Why don't you go home and practice, Randy? I can't stand that I've known and haven't said anything, but I feel would crush my mom. Yeah, that's tough, dude, who's now reaching 50 and being cheated on twice. Should I tell her? Oh, twice before by other men. Yeah, it's a pattern. She keeps picking the same guy if that's what you're saying. By the way, he's cheating on my mom in front of me, not physically, but he knows I know and doesn't care. He doesn't

interact with me the way a father should. He's worthless in my opinion. Sounds like it. Jesus, this is depressing. What should I do? It tears me apart. I am ashamed to be known as his son. I'm just lucky. I have my mother, my mother's father to look down to the tee. That way I'm, oh, I'm just lucky to have my mother's father's look down to a tee. That way I have no physical connection with the douche that is my father. And don't worry, this won't reflect on me and how I'll be when I'm a parent. It only encourages me to do better. Dude, I'm going to tell you that's about all you can do. All right. That's about all you can do is just learn from this situation. Try not to repeat it. As far as telling your mother or not telling your mother,

I don't know. I'm going to give you bad advice here because my first thing is going to, I don't know, I kind of got angry at that dude in the middle of that. And I'm going to tell you to say something you shouldn't fucking say. So I don't know how many more years I'm trying to do the math. What do you got a couple more years at home? Just fucking ride it out, get out of that house. You know, dude, I don't know. These are tough questions this week. I don't fucking know. What do you tell them? You know, if you feel like your mother's going to be able to hear that, take it in and kick this bum out on his ass. I mean, there's plenty of dating sites and that type of shit out there for somebody who is 50, I would think at this point.

There's got to be some over 50, not a bum ass piece of shit.com social networking or something. I don't know. I don't do that. That's up to you. I mean, I can't read two paragraphs of shit that that's that's that deep. I mean, that's fucking years of shit. God, I sound dumb. Look, the best thing I got out of that is that you're looking at this stuff objectively saying I don't want to be that and I'm not going to be that fuck that guy. That's what you should do. Your revenge should be live in this awesome life and go out and find yourself a great girl and build a life you want to build, go after your dreams, make some money. All right, move your

mother into the house at some point, right? Have a mother-in-law suite above the garage and tell that fucking bum he can go sit on the sidewalk because he's not invited. There you go. Maybe that can be your goal. All right. What do we got here? I think that's it. Is that it for this week's podcast? Oh, look at that right in an hour, like fucking clockwork. All right, people, I have actually have to promote a couple of gigs if you don't mind, as well as amazon.com. As always, I say this every week, if you want to buy something on amazon.com, but you'd also like to donate to this podcast, if you go to the podcast page on billburr.com,

and you click on the banner at Amazon, you click on that stuff, you go to Amazon, it's still the same price and they kick me a little bit of money for sending you that way. So you donate to the podcast that way and then I take a portion of those proceeds, 10% to be exact, and I pass them on to the Wounded Warriors project and that way everybody fucking wins. All right? Not saying you have to buy anything on Amazon, but if you're gonna, there's a way, there's a way to do it, where everybody gets, everybody, everybody's happy. How's that? All right. Okay. Let me get to my fucking website here, billburr.com. Now, why wouldn't that pop up? How long has it been since I've gone to my own fucking website that it doesn't even pop up? Server not found. Well, isn't that

fucking wonderful? Come on, you fucking prick. Come on. Don't be this way. Don't be this way. Don't be this way. There you go. There you go. Shows for this week. I'm gonna be in, I'm gonna be in Hawaii. For some reason to date, I haven't put up on my site because I'm a fucking idiot. Oh, thanks. By the way, if everybody came out to Flappers and Burbank on January 10th, I had a great time trying out a bunch of new material, weaving it in with the stuff that I knew was gonna work. I had a great time. January 26th, I'm gonna be in Hawaii doing a stand-up show on the 27th. I'm going to the Pro Bowl, everybody. Going to the Pro Bowl might be doing something for inside the NFL there. Little teaser there. All right, upcoming events. I'm at the

Wilbur Theatre in Boston, Massachusetts, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, February, fucking dumbass bill, dumbass bill. Where's the calendar when you need it? This is what I do at the end. I just make you guys feel smarter. This is my lot in life. The 21st, 22nd and 23rd, I'm going to be at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston. And guess who's featuring? The one and only, the Teen Idol sensation from the Opie and Anthony program. Oh, not to mention, February 19th doing the Patrisso-Neal benefit, which is going to be insane at the city center. It's all sold out. We've given some tickets to some friends and family. There might be some other tickets available right before the date. We might release some just to let you know. I will definitely give you the heads up on that.

I'll be at Bananas and Hasbrook Heights. February 18th doing a benefit for a good friend of mine, Vinnie Mark, doing a benefit for his wife as she battles a victorious battle over cancer. And other than that, I think I can't even read all the rest of these dates. I put a bunch of dates up on my website. Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Royal Oak, Michigan, Indianapolis, Indiana, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Atlanta, Georgia, Dallas, Texas, Kansas City, Missouri, Las Vegas, Nevada, Baltimore, and Eastern Pennsylvania. More dates to come. And I know you're going to ask me, you coming here? You coming there? The dates are going to be coming. And I'm definitely going to be coming to Chicago. People keep asking me about Chicago.

That's going to happen. Philly's going to happen. D.C.'s going to happen, as well as a bunch of others. I'm going to try to get to as many places as I can. I appreciate everybody asking me to come that way. I got a brand new hour of shit, and I'm dying to go out on the road, and it all starts next month. So that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Don't take any shit. Go fuck yourselves. Thank you as always for listening. And that is it. I'll talk to you next week. you