Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-20

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

Bill rambles about the tragedy in Calabasas, baking a cake, and sober activities.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, January 27th, 2020. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? How are you people? I hope you're having a good day despite the fucking horrible day that it was yesterday. I'll get into that later. I'll try to make you laugh first as opposed to fucking dwelling on that fucking horrific, horrific, horrific shit. But now I brought it up. Well, how do I segue? Well, I'm in New York City right now, home of the, the fucking, oh, the greatest fucking slice of peach a year, the fucking head. According to people here, and then people in Chicago, oh, it's not, it's not big enough. It's not deep enough. You know what I mean?

I just feel New York's pizzas just like surface. You know, Chicago pizza just has so much more depth to it. I love when fat fucks sit there and argue about pizza. You know what I mean? That's like a great thing. I said, that's another great thing about living in a first world country. You can get into a fist fight over who has a better slice of pizza for your fat fucking dad, but they don't use too many fucking itch over you. You see, just slice and shut the fuck up. Just be happy you didn't have to walk five miles for fresh water. Your tubs of shit. But having said that, if you can recommend some good pizza, old freckles here is all about it. I'll go try and get me some, get me some of that. Give me some of that fucking pizza. Yeah, I just got here,

I took the red eye. I do what I do a lot when I go to the airport. Bill, what is it that you do with the airport? Well, I put on my fucking headphones and I listened to some music. And as I listened to the music, I start fantasizing that I'm the person doing it. You know, and I just sort of drift off into, you know, me shirtless singing some rock song. You know, nobody commenting on my alabaster torso, actually enjoying it, attracted to it on some level. You know, I just disappeared to my freckled fantasy. And then all of a sudden I'm like, wow, there's like nobody here in the terminal. And then I look and they're already on group three. And I'm like, ah, fuck. I'm group one. All the overhead compartment space is going to be gone.

So I get on the fucking plane. I flew, uh, I flew in. It was an old plane. It was a wide body. Notice I said that I didn't say fat. I didn't try to, uh, I didn't try to body shame this airplane. The old two, four, two, four in the middle, two on the, on the sides, right? And I get there and of course everything's all fucking taken up. So I start doing my indignant white guy shit. Really? I pay for a first class ticket. I can't get overhead fucking space. Sir, if you could just relax 9 11, why are you being hostile? Whatever the fuck they said, I didn't flip out too much. I was like, well, you know, I finally figured out a way to do it, right? I had to like stick it in diagonally. And then

I tried to jam my backpack up there because there was no room for it underneath the seat, which I would have done, but there wasn't any room. And I finally get the thing fucking closed. And then comes this guy who's sitting, you know, next to me, you know, just an unfortunate look at human being, you know, you ever see somebody that's older? And despite the fact that they're older, you don't even give them a break. You just looking at him like this person was never good looking. This person was born a four state of four is still a four like the like aging actually helped him. You know what I mean? He just had those fucking, you know, those fish eyes,

like too far apart fucking soda hanging down at like 45 degree angle. Like he used to have a fish head, and then somebody fucking squeezed it into making it round. He shows you he's fucking got the receding hairline, but he hasn't shaved the head. So he just, you know, he looks like a character actor from a 1970s gritty fucking movie. You know, when you look, oh, is that guy was in everything? What the fuck's his name? That's what he looked like, right? Stupid pants fucking top of his ass crack hanging out. Oh, this motherfucker here. What does he do? He comes head on a fucking swivel, right? And you know, the deal when you're on a plane, if the compartment is closed, that means it's full,

right? I'm not going to lie to you. I opened one in vain. And once I saw it, but I closed the fucking thing. Now mine, because mine, because I had to stick my bag in an angle and also get my backpack up there. And of course that cunt also put his fucking jacket up there. You know, it was a lot of, you know, trying to stuff it in there to get it closed. I finally get it closed. What does old fish had to do? He fucking reaches right up and he opens it up. And I'm just sitting there going, he's in my head. I immediately said, he's not going to fucking be able to get it closed. He's not strong enough. All right, fish people do not do push ups. He's not going to have the tricep fucking strength that he's going to need

to close this fucking thing. And I sat there like the wise old bald man that I am. And I watched him make two of the most pathetic attempts. You remember the first time you tried to do a pull up? If you'd never done one in your life, it's like those fucking muscles, they're not even developed. You don't, you don't ever use them. You don't like, so you got a fucking bar over your bed and you pull yourself up in the morning. You never use those fuck whatever muscles those are. I remember the first time I tried to do a pull up, it was like I was like my back was paralyzed. You know, you have to fucking start on a wiggling around like a fucking goddamn bug cut a spider web, you know,

kicking your feet, trying to get up and over the bar. So this fucking guy, right? He comes back down, comes back down and he sort of stares at it and then looks around. I'm like, yeah, that's right, fishhead. You're not going to fucking try and close it. Are you? You're not, right? So he moves. So I do my big first class exhale. I go, right? Big time caddy. If I had, if I fucking ever had long hair, if I had hair, I would have given a big fucking hair flip. Okay. I was going full fucking chick attitude on this one. And then I got up and it took me like three attempts. I had to stuff that fucking guys. Stupid. What are those fucking puffy coats everybody has? They used to be huge when I was a kid. Then they figured out this new technology.

So now they're really small. So everybody threw out the big ones. Remember the big ones and the feathers are all settled down below. Your fucking waist and balls would be sweating, but your shoulders, you have frostbite. Remember that shit? North face. His little fucking north face. Oh, fish face didn't tuck back in the fucking north face. So now I got to push the, I finally get it all tucked back in and I sit down and who comes walking in now some old guy. You can't get mad at old people. They're all these going to be dead soon, right? So he fucking comes in, he reaches up, he opens it. Now I feel bad. You're not going to get so he fucking does it. And I just go, Jesus Christ, I get back up again. Trying to get it closed,

tucking the fucking jacket back in. I find moderate to myself. I'm going to fucking have to do this nine month fucking cock sucking time, pay for a fucking first ticket, right? And it fucking closed the thing. Then I didn't realize the old guy was right behind me. And he goes, he goes, Oh, thanks a lot. And I just go, yeah, no worry. I don't have to go to the gym now. Ha, you know, try to play it off. Like I wasn't a fucking angry red cunt, but I am. But I am. So that was me pushing my bag, by the way, it wasn't me fucking every guys always think any sound on this is me fucking just like I just sit here passing gas all the time. Listen, that was okay. It was a bag fucking moving.

So anyway, now I'm here in here in New York. Yeah, I might as well talk about it. It was fucking terrible day yesterday, man, for everybody, obviously. I'm fucking believable. I'm fine. I don't even know what to say. I cannot believe Kobe Bryant is gone, man. Any of this beautiful daughter to who I didn't know anything about like most people. Gianna Bryant, I was reading all this stuff about how you know, she was playing hoop and he was coaching her and she wanted to go to Connecticut, that great program and then go to the WNBA. And I was just thinking about how the WNBA, the problem with it is they haven't had their Bill Russell's or Chamberlain's,

Oscar Robinson, Kareem Burb, Magic Jordan, Taco Fall, right? They haven't had because nobody's watching it, right? I do a bit about this on my Madison Square Garden album that's coming out. I finally finished editing that thing. How all these fucking feminists out there bitch moaning and fucking complaining, fucking broads, man, I'm telling you, all they do is bitch moaning and complaining. And they complain about fucking guys. Their number one fucking problem is, is they don't support each other. You got a whole fucking, you're standing there on the fucking sidelines of a football game, freezing your fucking ass off, talking about guys, you know, running after angry coaches that are down by 20 at halftime with a fucking way. Why

don't you go to the WNBA? Huh? Cause they don't want to build it. They want to show up when it's done. After a bunch of guys died, building the fucking bridge, and then they want to name it, have to fund some chick with it and shave her fucking twat. That's, that's, that's feminine. That's feminism right there. Um, I'm just saying, I don't understand why they don't support it. You know, if you're really all about broads, why don't you go watch them play hoop and start selling out arena? Rea is with a bunch of fucking women screaming, watching women play basketball, and then they'll get the NBA contracts. If you just would show up. Ah, that's not how they work. They want to go in and ruin a guy's. Oh, there's a bunch of guys sitting around watching

a game, having a good day. You have to be sensitive now that I'm here. Why don't you fuck off and watch the WN? What, what is this going bill? This is supposed to be some sort of tribute. Um, anyways, just, I don't know. I'm just trying to be extra stupid and funny today, just cause it's just so, it's just so fucking brutal. Um, and sympathies out to the, uh, I hope I say these are like names. I'm going to fuck these up. The Alto belly family, John Kerry and Alyssa said, and they have like a sister. Now they have a son and another son and a daughter and those two poor kids lost a sister, their mother and their father, man. It's just fucking brutal. Sarah and Peyton Chester and then Kobe's assistant coach, uh, Christina Mauser,

and then the pilot, Eris Obeyon. I hope I said that right, man. Just condolences to anybody who knew them. It's just fucking brutal. I gotta tell you as a Celtics fan, I can't believe Kobe's gone cause I was, it's just Kobe just won. He always wins. And, um, I think like a lot of people, just seeing somebody like that get taken, you just like, yeah, that really can just happen to anybody at any time, man. Um, shout out to the BBC. I hope you guys are doing all right. Uh, you know, I don't know how you shake that one off. I really do not know how you don't know what Kobe Bryant looks like and you show LeBron James footage. They actually, I started to watch the clip. It was so fucking embarrassing. They show Kobe Bryant with his daughter, Gianna, every picture,

like the two of them, I mean, I gotta tell you those pictures is my goal with my daughter. And she was smiling like that. Anybody can make a three year old. If you're a three year old's father, she's going to have an ear to ear grin when you show up. But when they're 13 and they're still smiling like that, you're a hell of a father. So, um, I hope I pull that off at some point. But, um, so they have this amazing picture of Kobe and his, his lovely daughter and, uh, you know, they have 1978 to 2020. And then as they're talking about the tragedy and Kobe Bryant and everything he did in the NBA, they were showing footage of LeBron James and I'm not exaggerating. LeBron literally turns around. You clearly see on the back of his jersey, it says

James. They literally, that's not in fact, they look nothing alike. He has his name on the, they did wear the same jersey. I mean, I could see, I can't even see confusing Peyton and Eli Manning. Well, I guess maybe he played for the Colts. They had blue and white and giants are blue and gray, but like Peyton has a longer rectangle shaped head. Um, like his head is shaped like the back. What's that big stupid Mercedes truck that dumps? It looks like a fucking toaster. Um, why the fuck am I making fun of Peyton? Man, he said, because it's a fucking tragedy. I don't know how to, I don't know how to weave my way through this. It's just, it's just fucking, how do you get past this one? So then of course, you know, I get a bunch of fucking emails and

shit, you know, as you do when you fucking fly, you know, no, no, never text you when you just fucking, they see a helicopter flying over or playing, having a good time. It's always like, you know, when something bad happens and then they go, dude, don't fucking do that anymore. You know, I would love to find these people and every time somebody dies in a car accident, which is like every fucking 10 seconds to tell you not to drive a fucking car anymore. Um, I can't tell you this is if you don't do it, then you'll never understand how fucking ridiculously safe it is. Um, I mean, every day there's like a fucking zillion flights. I don't know, millions of

people fly every fucking day and nothing happens. Every fucking day, every fucking day, millions of people drive in a bunch of shit happens and then people go, well, that's good to do what people drive it. Uh, that's not necessarily true. If you, if you, if you take commercial aviation, there's way more people fucking flying than you believe. And this is what I, my thing is, is everybody I, nobody I know has been in a fucking plane crash alive or dead. Everybody I know has been in a fucking car accident. All right, to different, different degrees. I've had people die in them. I've had people fucking now they have limps. I've had people fucking collapse lungs and all of that type of shit and everything. So I appreciate

all of you guys concerns. Um, you know, and now there's going to be a bunch of helicopter experts who don't know the first fucking thing about a helicopter about how it works and all of that shit. And they're going to say a bunch of fucking crazy shit. Um, and you just, you just don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So we'll, I'll just, I'll leave it at that. Um, all right, every fucking thing. I just like, you know, I mean, it's every time somebody has a fucking heart attack, would you like if somebody came up to you? You should stop eating that. Hey, buddy, eat safe, eat safe. Uh, many, let's, let's stick with the main thing here. Okay. It's a unbelievable tragedy. Like I haven't seen an, this reminds me when like princess died,

died in that car crash. As far as like a global fucking, like I literally, like Mark Marquez, a MotoGP champion, motorcycle racer from Spain. He even put something on Instagram about it. The effect that this guy had on people. So fucking, fucking brutal. That's all we could say. And this is why I didn't want to talk about it. And, uh, why don't we just continue with the morbid shit? I'm going to be doing the Patriso Neil benefit. Uh, one of the greatest friends I ever had in my life who passed away in 2011. And this is the ninth annual Patriso Neil, uh, comedy benefit, uh, something positive. We have an amazing lineup. All right. What do we got here? We have Ronnie Chang,

who had one of the best specials of last year. I don't know how the fuck he didn't get nominated for a Grammy. You know, I don't get it. Uh, Judy Gold, one of my favorite comedians, Sam Morrell, one of my favorite up and coming Andrew Schultz, another great up and coming. Cipher sounds going to be DJ DJ, the pride of Trenton, New Jersey, Paul Versey, the perennial host, Rich Voss, the fucking Billy crystal of this benefit always coming in, always crushing it as a host. We got Roy Wood, Jr. From this is not happening. Just one of the best comics I know. And then we got a couple of poppin guests, some big names there. Um, you know, I don't know the poppin guests. One's a definite ones of fucking maybe

we shall see what's happened. I think this is like the best lineup we have. Um, it's going to be a lot of fun as always. And thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to everybody who is once again helped us sell this event out to help raise money for Patrice's mom and his loved ones. And, uh, it's just been a great thing. And thank you to Maureen Tarran, who as always, uh, you know, did all the work behind the scenes and dealt with all of us crazy comedians. And, uh, thank you to the stand who every year has done, you know, wonderful things supporting the benefit. Um, you know, I can't believe it's been nine years already. Jesus Christ, but this is going to be a good one. This right here, not that the other ones weren't

good ones, but this one's going to be a fucking, I think this is going to be a great one. So, oh, Billy Freckles went out to the comedy store the other night and, um, I, I did the belly room first, then I did the main room and then I did the OR, the original room and, um, just had such a great fucking time. Just a great fucking time. It's one of those nights where each crowd was, was, uh, was just on fire, tried out a bunch of shit. I had to make sure with this lineup that I was going to be on my game. So, um, you know, I don't know. Anyway, just too much shit. I hate doing fucking comedy on days like this. I really do. Well, Bill, fortunately, you're not that funny. So just, you know, we'll just turn it into a giant fucking monologue. How

about that? Um, wait, did I put the live reads here? I'm only trying to copy and paste as I'm doing this. Oh, by the way, thank you to everybody who enjoyed the Don Gavin podcast. Don was is somebody who that I learned so much from. And, uh, when I was coming up in Boston and, uh, just one of the funniest bastards ever. And I didn't realize I fucking hated that I didn't get into it until the end of the interview. But speaking of the NBA in a positive way, Don Gavin was fucking there at basically the, the inception. I have to talk to him more about this. I want to get him back on my podcast to talk about the people that he saw. He used to go to the Boston guard. I read that book. I mentioned earlier this year. I read that book, uh, about Bill Russell and Bob

Coosie. And it's as much as it's about them and all the racial horrific stuff that Bill Russell had to go through. It's also subtly a history of the NBA from the beginning right up until, um, you know, the end of Coosie and Bill Russell's careers. And, uh, when Don Gavin was going in the late 1950s, I love that I read the book. I was just like, so there was like nobody there. He was like, Oh yeah, he goes, I watched the Celtics win the NBA championship in like 57 or 58 and for like a half filled Boston garden. Imagine that. He used to go to like almost every single game. So he probably saw him play the Minneapolis Lake. I didn't even ask him about the different franchises he saw. Probably saw George, Mike in all of these guys, a young wilt, a young Bill

Russell, all of that. He was at the Bob Coosie retirement, um, ceremony with that guy in the upper deck famously loved. We love your Coos. Um, and he was also there at the inception of the, uh, the, the great second to none, as far as I'm concerned, Boston comedy scene that started at the ding-ho. He was there and, um, it was amazing. I had one of my favorite comics of all time sitting across from me and, uh, I just wish I'd gotten more. It's towards the end of the interview that he starts talking about, you know, I started talking to him about first concerts he went to and shit like that. Um, yeah. So it's a, uh, I like to think it's a good interview. Sorry if I'm a little fucking jet lagged here. I, uh, fucking took the red eye back. I got like five hours

sleep. That fucking fishhead guy with my Bose headsets fucking wore out. I finally took him off. I wanted to sleep on my side. So I had to take off the headset and I'm fucking rolling over. I just hear that guy snoring and I just muttered, yeah, of course he fucking snores too. Goddamn fishheaded motherfucker with his fucking no arms and his fucking snoring goddamn fucking nose. Uh, it doesn't take a lot. It doesn't take a lot. You'd think with all the tragedy bill, you'd put things into perspective. Nope. Still getting mad at some fishhead guy that fucking makes me close my goddamn luggage compartment again. Um, as I get across this country in four hours and 55 minutes, it's not enough for Bill still upset about something.

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today. Go to brave.com slash burr and download brave today. That's brave.com slash burr and switch today. All right. Jesus Christ, the reads, the reads, the reads are on fire. No, they weren't. Fucking goddamn yawning my way through that shit. All of a sudden, the tiredness of being on a fucking on a red eye flight, but I had to do it. You know why? Cause I had to put my lovely daughter to bed before I fucking, before I went on the plane, man. She's a right. So I got her doing this thing, right? Where I every, every year for a birthday, I make her a homemade chocolate. Now I make a yellow cake with chocolate frosting, right? So I got it. I would sit there and be like, who made your cake? And she'd be like, Dada, and I'd be like, why? It should be like,

cause he's hungry. So I'm like, no, not cause I'm hungry. I made it because I love you. Right. I kept saying that. So now she says it. I go, who makes the, who made the cake? And she's like, Dada. And I go, why? She goes because he, because you love me. I go, that's right. So now I do it for everything. Why did that put you on your shoulder because you love me? Because that's been my big thing. You know, when you have a kid, one of the hardest things is before they can comprehend the English language, the frustrating thing is you can't communicate to them how much you love them. And it drives you, it drives me up the fucking wall. And now she's starting to get it. I hope. Anyways, I'm probably going to drive her nuts with it.

You know, you know, when somebody agrees with you know, when you agree with somebody, you understand how much I love you? Yeah, I get it. No, you don't get it. You don't get it, man. You know, dude, I get it. You don't get it. Don't get it. Anyways, talk to this buddy of mine. He's one of these guys. He just doesn't fucking listen. He's driving me nuts. He was asking me about something that he had no idea about. You know, it was something fucked up that happened. So I was trying to explain it to him in the entire time I'm explaining it to him. He's gone, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like fucking, I mean, what are you doing?

Because what it is is he wanted the information and then I could already hear the fucking wheels spinning on how he was going to just fucking take what I just said and just go walk off and talk about it. I don't know. The older I get, the more fucked up I realized I am and the more I realize how fucked up I am, the more I can see it in other people. And I don't know. I want to say it's making me judge people less because I'm seeing how fucked up I am and how complex a human being is and that the how they're not just this thing or that thing. But I was still upset with that fishhead guy. Even though it was 100% my fault, but that I didn't fucking, you know, I had my headphones on and I said to myself, I said, Bill, make sure you

don't have your headphones on a half hour before and you know what those sneaky bastards, they loaded started boarding the plane 45 minutes earlier. So it wasn't fishhead's fault. And even if it was his fault, he had a fucking fishhead. Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough, Bill? Isn't that enough for you? By the way, the second half of the Bill Burt podcast, which has been doing, I want to say really well, will be released on Wednesday of this week. And we just, we just did another one. And Oh, Billy Freckles has been off the for two weeks. That's it. That's all I need two weeks. And now I look at him and I just got I don't want to fucking do that. I don't want to do it anymore. So somebody who can somebody

who's out there who knows about addiction, can you explain my level? All right. Because I'm one of those people that you would be like you are addicted to nicotine, right? But then it should have been hard for me to quit. How come I can just go like, you know what, I'm not fucking doing that anymore. And it's hard for three days. And then two weeks later, I'm like, yeah, I'm never doing that again. Why is that? Like I was actually thinking today, when I got out of, I got out of the fucking taxi from the airport. And I was thinking how little sleep I got. And I was like, well, thank God I didn't drink, you know, because then I really would have been feeling like shit. But just the thought of even going out and having a drink now is like,

I think I just, I passed that fucking point. I've even given a fuck about it. I was just like, you know, I'm never doing that again. Why would I do that? I actually really enjoy watching people get shitfaced though. Like I can totally be around it. And I enjoy watching people get shitfaced, not because I'm judging them or laughing at them. I'm relating to it. It's like, so that's what I looked like. Oh, I've said that before. There, a phone call is going to be neat need to be made sometime around 1157am the next day when you finally get those greasy eggs in your cell fucking calling out, call them Jesus. Hey, listen, I know, you know, it's kind of hoping you were going to pick up. I don't really remember what I

said, which is always a lie. But I do remember that you seemed we I feel like we had some sort of disagreement. You know exactly that you had a disagreement. I hope there's not any weirdness if I did anything to make you uncomfortable or if I said my true feelings about some things. I'm sorry. I was fucking, I don't miss that at all. And I don't miss smoking cigars. It's fucking weird. When I was smoking, the thought of never doing it again, I was just like, that's gonna be fucking brutal. I don't do it. Hey, it's great. I love it. No problem. So now what do I do? Huh? You know, I can't fight you don't drink. I don't smoke cigars. You know, I don't know about this fucking helicopter shit now, you know,

people are all my friends, everybody's you guys stop doing you guys stop doing it. So if I stop doing that, what the fuck do I do now? What do what do I do? People, if I'm not killing myself or attempting to kill myself, how do I fill the day? That is my question. You know what I'm going to look up right now? I'm going to look up sober life activities, sober life activities. All right. All right. Now I got my eyes shut. I'm not looking. I'm going to try to guess. They probably have we'll have 10. I'm going to try to guess some join a sports league. Take up a hobby. Get into cooking. Take a cooking class. Join a gym. Go on walks. Watch some live music.

Take a vacay. I wonder what they're going to say. All right. Substance abuse meant 30 funds, 30 99 things to do when you're sober. Throw a sober dinner party. Oh yeah. I gotta tell all you users out there, man. This is the fun you're missing. Throw a sober dinner party. Invite your closest friends over for dinner and dessert. Substitute alcoholic beverages for delicious and refreshing fruit infused cocktails. Pick a playlist with piano or classic tones to keep the vibe classy and elegant. Check out Spotify is already made playlist according to the mood or genre. All right. Fuck that.

Rejuvenating spa day at home, solo or with friends. Invite a few girlfriends over for herbal tea. I like this couple of chicks over. I get a massage out of this. What's going on here? Is this for women only? Watch movies and give each other manicure and pedicures. Don't forget the face masks and hair conditioning treatments too. This is a fun way to pamper yourself and help improve your parents at the same time. Okay. All right. Number three, guys night out slash girls night out. Plan a weekend to go camping fishing or to a sporting event in town. I would go camping or fishing. I wouldn't go to a sporting event. You watch everybody else

getting shitfaced having a good time. Exercise, run box, do yoga. Okay. I got this one. Here we go. Hot yoga, hike, swim, anything. Just get out there, stretch it out, break a sweat, exclamation. Yeah. Fuck this. Go for a drive. Bubble baths, not just for women. Hey, Bill, you don't drink half a bottle of bourbon anymore. What are you doing? Said, I take a bubble bath. Is there anything more boring than taking a fucking bath? Jesus fucking Christ. And you just sitting there in your own filth and that fucking dirty water and it's just so goddamn hot. I always feel like, you know, this must be what it's like, you know, the first five minutes, you know,

if you accidentally encounter a tribe of cannibals and they're stuck in the pot, like at first it's like bathwater. Oh, this is nice. They're so friendly. Play a game of golf. I wonder what what what a good side dishes is for eating a human being. Play a game of golf or practice your swing at the driving range. Oh my God, go for a drive, meditate, read a book, go see a movie, volunteer your time and services. That's probably the most productive one to get yourself out of your own fucking head. Play basketball. Yeah, great. Go blow out your fucking Achilles. Go swimming. Go for a walk and and smile at every person you pass by. Oh, great. Hey, how are you sober psycho? Write in your journal.

Create a new playlist for yourself or as a gift for someone else. Oh my God, this is just showing this is showing why people get fucked up. Plan a garden. Organize and clean out your closet and donate at least 10 items. This thing's all over the map. Are you trying to not be a hoarder or all right, fuck this thing. This person claims 99 things to do sober. Clip your toenails. See if you can get it in all one piece. No, sorry. Go to local cinema. Subscribe to TV streaming service. Watch to your heart's content. Watch all the Golden Globes and Oscar nominees for best picture. Revisit all seasons of Game of Thrones before the final season. Watch all 10 seasons of Friends. Oh my God,

why would you do any of this to yourself? Put on a movie marathon, buy a crossword puzzle book, learn ballet or tap dancing. I would learn tap dancing because I just think would be fucking hilarious if in secret you became really great at tap dancing and then when you just busted it out, you know, put on Yankee Doodle Danny. Then you do the big windmill and people like what in the fuck is going on? And you just have this crazy smile on your face. Go ballroom dancing. Watch Cirque du Soleil. Go to a theme park like Disneyland. Dress up and attend the opera. Attend an art exhibit. Listen to songs of all your favorite singers in one night. This is better than getting boozed, man. Sing in a karaoke place in front of a lot of people.

Play board games. I'm gonna start crying. Go on an alcohol-free food trip. Relax in a bubble bath. Have breakfast in bed. Update your fashion sense. Read celebrity websites and keep up with the Kardashians. This is all why people drink. This is really pathetic. Run around the neighborhood in really nice running shoes. Oh yeah, this is so much better than heroin. Sign up for a gym membership. Try out trendy workouts like CrossFit or underwater aerobics. I swear to God, this isn't a joke. Go bowling. Go bowling. My God, that's 10 lanes of fucking booze bags. All right, here's one. This is the last one I read. This one's throwing down 20 sober activities that are more fun than using drugs or drinking.

These fucking assholes say bubble bath. Do you like team sports? There are leagues for bowling, softball, touch flag, football, soccer, hockey. Playing hockey can be fun. Start reading. Oh yeah, that's way better than fucking, you know, taking DMT and seeing what another universe looks like. Sit down and read fucking George and the fucking man with the yellow hat. Visit a hobby or craft shop. Join a gym. Take classes at your local YMCA. Start an online course. Start an offline. That is to say it happens in the real world course. Find public gardens in your area. Visit a zoo or an aquarium. Oh yeah, nothing makes me fucking forget about booze like an imprisoned animal. Volunteer, that's a good one. Learn how to write songs.

All right. Okay, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to finish this podcast and I'm going to go right to a goddamn liquor store. Wow, that was a big fucking swing and a miss. The reality is, I don't want to say what I'm going to say because it's too goddamn negative about sobriety. All right, I'm sorry. I apologize for all of that shit. I'll tell you what's great about being sober is waking up having not drank. That's fucking great. And I'm not going to lie to you. It is fucking great till about 4, 4, 30 in the afternoon. And then it sucks until you go to sleep. All right. That's the truest shit I can tell you about it. Okay, good luck. All right. And they're hearing enough bubble baths in the fucking world

and Spotify playlist and fucking fruity sober fucking drinks that you can drink that can make up for that. All right, Don Gavin, Hey Bill, thanks for turning us on to Don Gavin. I was unfamiliar with him, but I listened to him live with the Manhattan. Oh, that's his, that's his new album, a reissued album on Spotify live with a Manhattan and laugh more than I have in a long time. The man is hilarious. Hope he'll be touring or releasing more recordings in the future. That's awesome. He is just fucking hilarious. And if you notice, he went out to LA, he did Rogan's podcast, he did Mark Marin's podcast, he did my podcast, all of us did stand up in Boston. And all of us know that he is one of the greatest of all fucking time. So check it out.

Don Gavin live with the man with the Manhattan. All right. The Bill Burt podcast. Hey, Billy Airways, thank you for the Bill Burt podcast. Awesome that you're finally doing a video podcast too. I love seeing how you guys sit in front of what appears to be a display at Dick's Sporting Goods flagship store. Can't wait for more. Yeah, that's sort of our, our baked in advertising trying to get people to get out there and see the America that people think is, is lost. I just did another one, another episode of his that of our show, I should say that shall be released in February. All right. Girl that lost virginity and yoga class from last week. Oh, I thought you were saying she lost her virginity in a yoga class.

I was like, Hey, what pose is that? Okay. All right, sorry. Dear Billy, never been kissed, Burr. That's sad. All right. Last week, some girl wrote to you about how she was upset because she gave a guy in yoga class some pussy, and then that guy dropped her out of, dropped out of the class and out of her life. You told her to move on and stop obsessing about the guy, which is good advice. If the man promised to be in a relationship with her, if they had sex, then I agree. What he did would make him an asshole. However, my advice to this girl and all women out there is stop using sex to get into a relationship. Whoa. There you go. Pussy isn't special to men like you think it is. It's important, but not special. Listen, I know you guys aren't going

to like the way this guy's saying it, but he is telling he's, he's living his truth right now. A lot of women make men wait for pussy like this girl did for seven months and hold it in front of their heads like a carrot on a stick in order to lure them into relationships. The only reason you should have sex with someone is because you want to have sex with them, not because you hope to get something out of that person. Oh my God. I believe the kids call these truth bombs. If you have sex and there is chemistry there and a relationship develops, then great. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But using the vague promise of pussy to entice a man into a relationship is shady practice. It's like a car dealer trying to sell you a car without letting you take it

for a test drive first. It got a little sideways. I know what you said. Okay. Anyway, losing her virginity, virginity doesn't make her any less of a person. Nothing was actually lost. And like you said, she'll eventually find the right person if she keeps putting herself out there to meet people. I just want women to have some perspective on where men are coming from so they don't end up bitter and confused like this girl. Thanks for the podcast. Sorry, you went a little hard there in the end, but I get what you're saying. That's true. It's true. It's a big fucking shell game. Three card money with one vagina. You ain't gonna work. Yeah. Yeah, there was a lot of that. There's a lot of that out there. God damn it. Good luck, fellas. Good luck, single people. Good luck with

all of that shit. Those days are behind me. There used to be a younger man with a full head of hair. I can't argue with any of that. You know, I don't know if it's a car dealer. It's like a car deal trying to sell you a car without letting you take a test drive first. That's fucking bullshit because what like your whole relationship is going to be based on fucking her. Although I got to admit, you know, you can make the chick of your dreams if she can't kiss. How long is that going to last? You know, and there's a lot of fucking stuff out there about how inept men are in bed. And then this is sort of this assumption that women are just naturally sensual and are good in bed. And that is not the case. All right, ladies. Okay, you're not all fucking, you know,

I don't warm and open. There's a lot of fucking shut down lunatics out there. All right, fat friend. Hey, Billy Ball Buster. Love your podcast and your comedy. Thank you. You're one of the greatest of our time in my opinion. All right, well, you're obviously not looking around, but I'll take that. I'll take it. All right. So I have a friend who happens to be pretty fucking fat. And he's also a big fan of you. So I was thinking that maybe you could give him some tough love and convince him to start living a healthier life. One time he had two 10 piece nuggets with three sprites and two large fries in one sitting. And surprise, surprise, he felt like hot garbage in the morning. So as a friend who cares for him, but also doesn't know how to approach telling him how to improve his

health. I think he needs someone to give him the honest truth now. Sorry, the honest truth about how unhealthy it is to be as fat as he is. He is a great dude and all, but I don't want him dying of a heart attack before he's even 21. Thanks so much. And as always go fuck yourself and have a great day. I don't do just by the way you wrote this and how funny this is, I think that you can handle this. You know, all right, next question. Can you imagine if I just started tapping out like that? I can't do that. You know what? You know, I can't. Do you know why I can't? Do you? Why? There we go. Hey. And I'm helping out the fatty for somebody else. All right.

What do I say to the guy? I just be like, listen, you know, we're great friends, right? And he's gonna be up. Is he fucking eating a fucking ham hoc? I just tell him like, listen, man, I'm worried about you. You got to start working out. All right. I'm too tired to say this the right way. So just figure out the right way to say this. No one wants to see your fucking fat tits. No chicks gonna want to blow you if she's fucking got to, you know, sit there trying to fucking move your stomach around to make sure it doesn't shift down over your junk when you're laying on your back. Okay, I don't know how else to put it. All right.

You should have your stomach lanced like a fucking, I don't know, a medieval boil. Yeah, you can't blow out your body before you're even 21. You can't fucking do it. What are you doing? Just treating your fucking body like a rental car. It's like, how long, how long do you plan to live? Yeah, he's setting himself up for a horrible, horrible, horrible, like no quality of life. All right. And you know, you're going to have to spend your life with somebody at least get with somebody you want to look at, you know what I mean? If you're walking around, just you're fucking gigantic. You know, it's limited who you can fucking go out with unless you got a ton of money. Then you can

find some fucking skinny whore that she's just fucking you and getting you excited because she's hoping you're going to have the big one like Fred Saffron. She can get you for free. Saffron, she can get your fucking house. All right, there's no reason to be fat. There's plenty of information out there. You know, I'm actually supposed to watch this documentary called Game Changer, which is a vegging and it convinced me that that meat is bad for me. I'm going to watch it. Oh, I'll watch it. I'll see what I think about it. I'll report back to you guys with my complete lack of knowledge. By the way, did anybody watch that stupid fucking thing about don't fuck with cats? I'm so sick of those stupid ass fucking documentaries. I got halfway through that and

the chick was just making it all about herself. She was so fucking annoying. I just said, fuck this. I looked the guy's name up just to see what happened. So I didn't have to watch the rest of it. That's one of my favorite things about true crime. I'm like, Oh, wait a minute. This actually happened. I don't need to watch all of this. So I just Google the name and I just read it. Fuck it. Sit there and watch 10 goddamn episodes about some fucking jerk off that they already arrested and threw in jail. That wasn't what it was about. It was about all these people. It was interesting how they found all that evidence in the room. That was interesting. But like the woman, you know what annoyed me was the fucking tweets the people writing like, I want to stop, but I

can't. Just everything is about me with the fucking internet. Shut the fuck up. Those stupid memes. This is me watching this. Nobody gives a fuck about you. All right. Sorry. Acceptance speech. Yeah, that's what I'm worried. I'm a fucking watching this amazing musician. But you know what I need to know? I need to know what you look like when you're fucking doing that. Yeah. It's not about Eddie Van Halen. It's about what you and your fucking tramp stamp are doing in your fucking linoleum kitchen. All right. Acceptance speech. Hey, Billy McQueen, Lightning McQueen, what happens when you win an award and have to give a speech at an award show? What are you going to say? I hope you don't play it modest.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't see that happening. Um, there's a bright, there is a bright side to not being nominated for an award. Okay. The bright side is you don't have to go to the show. Okay. Those award shows look like a giant fucking pain in the ass. I mean, the fucking women, the what the fuck they have to go through through. Just vomiting up 90% of what they ate over the last six fucking months. They got to find a dress. They got to hope someone else isn't wearing the same dress or wore it on something else because then they get put on that who wore it better fucking horseshit just for you to fucking show up and most likely lose and you wasted your whole evening. You could have been at home and

you fucking sweatpants, you know, eating a fucking steak and cheese, just enjoying your fucking life. Um, I hope I never get nominated for anything and I'm dead fucking serious on that. I don't give a fuck about any of that shit. I just want to stay. I travel too much. I spent too much time away from home as it is. I don't need another night away from my lovely daughter. So, um, but if I win, yeah, of course I'm going to be fucking modest and I'll thank everybody I can think of and I'll keep it short and sweet. That's it. Then I'll hand back the fake trophy that they give you and, uh, you know, I'll go back to my seat. I will be a gentleman. All right. Online girlfriends, dad died. Online girlfriends, dad died. I don't, what is an online girlfriend? You guys just Skype?

Did you touch each yourselves? Is that what it is? All right, dear Bill, I played drums in a band, a laurian burr. Ah, I like that. I played drums in a band, a laurian burr. That's a great one. I've been playing MMORPGs, massive multiplayer online role playing games. I didn't want to know what the, what is that with a girl for about three years. She had a boyfriend for the last two, but he is out of the picture. Are you fucking asshole? Now I have to, this is going to be part of my search. All right, I'll look it up. MMORPG. Let's see what the fuck, you know what? I'll, I'll take the head here. I'll look this up for the rest of you. MMORPG.

Let's see. What are MMORPG, whatever, massive multiplayer online games? Okay, just get to the, what is an, a 13 minutes and two seconds for you to tell me what the fucking game is. Jesus Christ. It's an online game with a large amount of players, typically from hundreds of thousands on the same server, usually features a huge persistent open world. Although so this is like fucking Dungeons and Dragons for douchebags. All right, I get it. You're in, you're in your medieval world and you have to build your castle. Okay. Online role, what about role playing? That seemed like it was some deviant section. All right. She had a boyfriend for the last two, but he's out of the picture for the last four

months. We've been spending, spending almost every hour with each other, talk, text, FaceTime, other, other than work, sleep and day to day chores. Is there any way I can help her deal with her loss? I'm willing to fly from the States to Canada, but I doubt she will want to talk about the guy who is at, I doubt she's going to want, she will want to talk about the guy who is at her dad's funeral to her family. Yeah, I wouldn't go up there. You know, I would just say, Hey, if you, I know you're going through obviously a really tough time. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you. If not, I'll just try and make you laugh and just try to keep it light and let her decide she wants to talk about it. That's what I would do, but

I wouldn't, I wouldn't go to see her unless she asks you to, but if you really feel like maybe she does, then I would ask her, yeah, I might be nuts. Am I getting a vibe? Would you want me to come there? Is this the first time you ever going to see her face to face? Are you going to show up when she, her dad dies? Sorry, I got a fucking dry throat from that goddamn fishhead guy breathing up all my fucking oxygen. I thought they, I thought they breathe, all they do breathe oxygen, right? Their lungs can separate the oxygen from the water. What the fuck does a fish lung look like? Getting into showbiz. Does it look like one of those fucking strainers you put powdered sugar through? Except, you know, instead of the powdered sugar falling through, that's the, that's the

oxygen. Yeah, Bill, that's what it looks like. Uh, hello, Billy, the kid. I'm a big fan of the podcast that I was wondering if you can help me figure out my future. I'm a 17 year old high school kid, high school. I'm 17 year old, high, 17 year old. I am a 17 year old in high school. Now, sir, young man, you heard me try to read the first half of that sentence nine times. Okay. You, you're really going to take advice from me. Anyway, I am a 17 year old in high school, and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do as a career. You're fucking 17. You're fine. For the last few years, I've been practicing to become a magician. I've been all sorts of magicians at my local magic shop, hearing their stories as a, as a professional. This is making

me want to become a professional musician, magician as a career. So yes, I do that. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I do dream of being famous on some level and spreading joy to the world. Well, what the hell's wrong with that? You think I didn't do that? I'm still fantasizing about being a shirtless rock star and that ship has clearly sailed. But I'm not a flat earther. So I believe that that ship's going to come back around again. You being a seasoned vet and show business. I was wondering if you'd give me some advice on what to expect. Thanks. I hope you and Nia and your daughter are doing well. Well, thank you. What to expect? I think you should expect to find some good people and eventually find a mentor that can help you

out. And you're also going to probably find some fucking bitter magicians who probably hate on that that guy who does the tricks out in the street that makes people run away. He's not a real magician. He's fucking sitting in a refrigerator for a month. There's always going to be people trying to shit on your dream. And the more successful you get, the more shit you're going to get. That's how it works. Slash, the more people that will act like they always fucking believed in you. But if you keep your friends from when you were a kid and you remember the people that were nice to you when you were coming up, you can have a really good gauge of who you are when you get somewhere if that makes any sense. But I highly recommend

show business. It's it's it's fucking great. There's great people in it. And you'll never feel like you're working again a day in your life, unless you're doing a guest star on a one camera shoot. Then you'll feel like you got convicted. And we're you're in the gulag in fucking Russia. Other than that, that's it. A one camera shoot is the only thing that sucks in show business. That's not true. There's a lot of things to do. But you're picking a great business to get into. And you know, David Blaine, that's what I'm trying to remember. You could be the next fucking David Blaine and look at him, he gets to hang out with all these fucking famous people, freaking out athletes. You know, so I would just say that's what I would say.

Be a good dude, and people will be good to you. Even though there'll be a couple of fucking assholes, but there's a couple of fucking assholes in every business. All right. And you know what? The assholes always end up getting theirs. And even if they don't, they're assholes. And they won't have real friends. So that's it. So congratulations. Good luck with your magic. Everybody else go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Once again, rest in peace. Kobe Bryant. Gigi everybody else who died. It's just it's just awful, man. It's just so terrible. So terrible, so terrible, so terrible. Yeah, that's it. And I'm not going to say anything fucking hacky about what you now need to do is if I knew this shit before it happened because I'm as stunned as you

guys are. All right, I'll talk to you on Thursday.