Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-1-12

Episode Date: October 1, 2012

Bill rambles about rugby, having no A/C, and sleep fucking.

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I got a question for you, when is the fucking summer gonna end? You know, I don't want to be one of these guys who, the first time there's a fucking heatwave, starts going, see, there's global warming. I think I proved my point, you know, like when it snows in February, and the people who don't believe in global warming go like, well gee, what happened to global warming? It's fucking snowing out, yeah, it's supposed to. It's supposed to.

It's fucking January, you dumb cunt. Um, yeah, I'm going out to LA and we're gonna have another five day fucking heatwave, like 99 fucking degrees every goddamn day. And uh, I don't have air conditioning in my house. You gonna laugh at me now? You know, I kind of live in an area where we get a nice breeze. And I was told that by the people who I bought the house off of that, yeah, that's really not a problem.

Can you believe that they were deceitful? You know, it sucks about having a fucking house is every time you think you got everything fixed. You know, it's just something else comes along. I thought I was finally caught up. I widened the doors in the garage. I got the goddamn hot water fucking thing outside. I went tankless. I got that done.

I fixed the fucking cabinets. You know, I got screens on the windows. The fuck else did I do? I got the stupid fucking thing fixed that, you know, the hot air goes out of on the laundromat on the dryer. All these little cunty knickknacks fucking things. And I was thinking all I got to do now is have somebody fucking get my chimney up to code and then clean out some other goddamn thing.

And I was done now. And I got to put a new roof on it too. So I'm thinking, all right, the roof, that's the most expensive thing. I'll get that thing done. Right. What's the point of fixing everything else if it's just going to get wet, right? Figure that was my next move. Then out of fucking nowhere.

I got Nea calling me up. Can we just get one of those standalone units? Can we just get AC in one room? Unbelievable. I thought I was in the clear. It's fucking October. Look, who's kidding who? I live in a goddamn desert.

At some point I'm going to have to get air conditioning. But now I'm also feeling like a pussy because everybody else who ever owned my fucking house, they somehow dealt with it. Maybe sat on the front steps drinking a mint julep. Socializing with the neighbors. Talking about Pearl Harbor or whatever the fuck they did. Well, they had tougher breed back then?

Or is this global warming thing actually something that's true? Well, actually it is getting warmer. You know, it's just the debate is I'm so in over my head. Just just just entertain me. Just go with me on this. The big debate is whether or not human beings have an effect on it. I just, you know, you know, it's funny is I can't even take myself seriously. Because every time I try to talk about a heavy subject,

my brain is just screaming at me. You don't read or you haven't read up on any of this. You've only overheard conversations. So why don't you shut the fuck up? Anyways, this is a podcast for this week, everybody. It's football Sunday. I'm here in Jacksonville, Florida. It's five minutes to one, five minutes before.

All the games are going to start already predicted on my Twitter account that the Patriots were going to win 63 to five today against the Buffalo Bills. And I stand by that. That's actually what I'm hoping is going to happen. And somebody's like, oh, you're predicting you're going to get a safety? No, what's going to happen is we're going to be up 63 to three. Our punters going to feel bad for you. So he's just going to kind of run out of the back of the end zone.

You know, just to give you another two fucking points. You know, you know, it's the worst thing about going to a Buffalo Bills game, aside from the lingering sadness of losing four Super Bowls in a row, is listening to that dumb chant that let's go Buffalo. I hate fucking, first of all, it rhymes, you know, yay, let's go Buffalo. The AFC East has some of the worst fucking chance in just in all of professional sports. J E T S jets, jets, jets. Hurray.

It's like what fucking year is it? Let's go Buffalo. Those are some angry motherfuckers out there. I'll tell you that me and Verzi a few years ago, we went to that fucking Bill's Jets game. Somebody pushed me in the back while I was taking a piss because I had a Patriots hat on, you know, fucking losers out there, man, fucking losers. You know, I love how they act like they didn't have video cameras out there. You know, fucking Bob Levy could have easily just filmed the other team

and won one of those Super Bowls. You didn't want to do it. You didn't want to do it. You made me film you. I didn't want to do it. Why didn't they just, you know, listen Buffalo, if you could learn anything from some of your compadres here in the AFC East, if you can't beat them, cheat for the love of God.

How long are you going to have that mom and pop store? We're making our own jam, putting in an extra fucking pickle jars vibe. First of all, you know what your problem is, Buffalo? You don't even deserve a professional fucking franchise. Do you understand that? Do you understand how if you didn't have the bills and the sabers, that the amount of people wouldn't even know? Like you'd be like Elmira.

You'd be one of those fucking towns nobody even knew about. You guys fucking peaked back when people took road. Like when going to Niagara Falls was like a fucking, you know, place where you went on your honeymoon. Because the regular Joe couldn't afford to fly. All right. That's why you've never won anything. Because God forgets that you exist.

Why am I being so mean to them? I actually think I'm going to be performing there next year. I have no idea. Actually, the reality is with this whole fucking Patriots defense, I, you know, when we got a rookie fucking trying to protect Tom Brady's blind side, I got, I have no idea. And it's a divisional rivalry. We usually go one-on-one against the bills.

You know, the bills usually win one. And then Shred and Reagan call me up like, Hey, did you see the game? What did you think about that? Right. And they get all fucking excited. They start talking Super Bowl. And then the next time we play and we rape them, you know,

we put that red ball thing in their mouth, bend them over and shove the football right up their ass. You know, it's coming. You know, it is. Who has more false hope of Bill's fan or a Jets fan? I think it's the Jets fan, just because they look like that guy, the mush in a Bronx tale, like your average fucking Jets fan.

That's what he, that's what he looks like, you know, and I'm not saying that the average Patriots fan doesn't look like a fucking alcoholic, lucky charms fucking dude. I'm not even saying that. I would never try to say that we don't look like a bunch of fucking drunk potatoes. All right. I'm not saying that we don't. All right.

But you guys just have that let's go like off track betting. That's what you're, that's the upper deck of a Jets game looks like. I don't know if it's those awful fucking green jerseys. You know, if you're going to get the Jets jersey, you got to get, you got to get the white one, man. What the green numbers when it's that fucking just pea soup, forest green. That's just one of the worst fucking jerseys ever. But you know what?

At the end of the day, it's still a great game. See how I went positive there? At the end of the day, it's still a great game. I actually got into some fight with some fucking jackoff on Twitter, right? Because I announced, I tweeted that I was going to be going to the Jacksonville Jaguars Cincinnati Bengals game. Can you fucking believe that I'm hanging around an extra day in Jacksonville to watch that contest? Okay.

Is that not going to be one of the most lowest rated football games of the year? Do I have the hiccups? Jesus Christ. But anyways, I got into this Twitter argument with some guy, I'm guessing he's from fucking Great Britain or Ireland or some shit. And once again, like those guys are so on their own dicks if they, if they fucking watch rugby. You know what I mean?

Like the, the, oh, the amount of time either there's soccer fans over there and then they always come up with, they think it's the most clever Seinfeld thing ever. They always like, why do they call it football when they use their hands? You know, like the excitement in their emails or their, their tweets when they send that to me as if they're the first person who ever came up with that little clever analogy. You know, first of all, football came out of soccer. We were kicking the ball around, you know, playing your dumb little fucking game that was brought over.

Okay. But because we're fucking Americans and we know, we know how to fucking make shit exciting. We know how to ramp shit up. We're not stuck in the past like you guys with your dumb fucking castles. Talking about, oh, Henry the A's told fucking Liliputian, who gives a fuck? Huh? You dumb ass fucking history of the goddamn serfs and the landowners and the feudal system. Huh?

And your fucking Catholics versus Protestants, nobody gives a fuck. You half horse, half fucking man walking around with that fucking flute or whatever the hell it did. You bunch of goddamn perverts, a shirtless man coming out of a horse with the fuck is wrong with you. You're going to sit here and criticize our game sitting there saying that, that, that NFL, that rugby is a tougher game than NFL football. You know what rugby looks like to me? Rugby looks like NFL football if the fans ran on the field and started playing. Not saying they're not tough fans, not saying they're not fans who have gold, gold gym memberships.

I'm not even trying to say that. I wouldn't insult you by trying to say that. I'm just saying it just looks like, like really fast people from the stands went out there during halftime. Kind of like when you watch an NHL game and they let those, those fucking kids come out and play a little mini one-on-one, right? We got fucking Swamp Scott versus Marblehead today. He shoots, he scores, right? I'm not saying rugby isn't a tough game.

I'm not saying it's not a beautiful game. I'm not saying it's not an all, I fucking love it. I go over there, I watch it. If I had time, I would go to a game. I think it's great. But for you fucking Ian McFucking, pasty fucks to sit here and say, fucking pasty fucks to sit here and try and act as though that a bunch of fucking white guys running around in shorts and fucking polo shirts tackling each other, you know,

is the equivalent to fucking someone on of Ray Lewis's ability. You're out of your mind. You're out of your fucking mind. I tell you right now, you can judge the level of your sport by the amount of white guys that are playing it at a professional level. You can certainly judge the speed of it. Okay. Rugby looks like you're watching the NBA in the 1960s.

You know, and Abelichek steals it. Oh, Abelichek stole. You know, and one of the big things that rugby people always say is they say NFL players are pussies. Okay. NFL players are pussies. Just, just step back and just wrap your head around that because they wear pads. You know, and I get why they say that because to look at it, you're like,

oh, they have all these pads on. It doesn't hurt them because they have all this padding on. You know what it is? You guys never played the fucking game. Okay. I've played rugby. It was called kill the man with the ball. I've played it.

Yes. I got, took knees and I took shots, but you know what I didn't do? I never really led with my head. And you know why? Cause I didn't have a fucking helmet on. Nobody really led. You led with your shoulder and you tackled with your shoulder just like they do in rugby. I'm not saying, Hey, that heads don't collide.

I'm not saying there aren't fucking collisions and broken bones. Okay. I'm just saying, first of all, the helmet is, is what you're looking at. It is an unbelievable design flaw. What it really is, is it's just a battering ramp. It protects the skull. It does not protect the brain. Okay.

Do you guys have like when rugby players are done playing rugby, is their head so fucked up that they shoot themselves in the chest so their brain can be donated to science to figure out what the fuck happened to them? Do you have that happening? Have you ever had somebody go, you know what? I want to play this week. So cut the end of my finger off so I can, I can go out and actually play this week.

You know, do you have people doing shit like that? You know, as they run their fucking, their fucking 10 second 40s over there. Look, I'm not saying it's a tough game. I'm not saying it's not a fucking, you know, I'm not saying those guys aren't faster than me, but if you put Ray Lewis on a fucking rugby field, you would be picking up limbs, limbs would be littered all over the field.

All right. So that's it. The debate is over. And you can fucking do anything you want to do. Send me a tweet, send me your fucking emails and all that type of shit. All right. You guys started it. I never said rugby was a pussy game.

I still haven't. You guys constantly send me fucking emails telling me that NFL football players are pussies. Let me tell you something right now. The average NFL player is big enough to grab your entire family by the throat and choke slam you on your fucking nights of the round table fucking table. All right.

So there you go. There's your fodder for this week. You fucking cunts. Oh, meanwhile, hey, by the way, my special is available for download this week. It's available available for download for $5 off of my website. I would appreciate it if you guys would go on and and download the son of a bitch because it costs me a lot of money.

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You download the fucking special for $5. That is the deal. $5, five bucks. Can you, can you look into your heart? So anyways, oh, let's, let's, let's get, let's get one of these fucking commercials out of the goddamn way before, before I get going here. You know, these people complain.

Christ, you didn't read my commercial until 50 minutes ended up podcast. I mean, I worried who the hell's even listening anymore. Why did I make my password in Spanish? Huh? Why would I do that? Come on, open up. No, that's the problem.

Come on. Here we go. Hey, I went, I went and shot some guns when I was out here. Do you know silencers are fucking legal in Florida? They actually had like semi automatic rifles with silencers on the fucking wall. I'm going to say, I got some pictures, hopefully posted on the podcast page of that.

It's fucking hilarious. I'm in there with Verzi and they actually, you know, it's always scary when you go to the gun range and you're just in there with a bunch of strangers with loaded fucking guns. You know, and there's always like that one fucking novice in there that just, you know, or not even, they're just so comfortable.

They start doing dumb shit, like loading the gun on the other side and then turning around and walking with the fucking thing up. It's like loaded at the, at the, I don't know what the terminology is. I'm one of those green horns. I probably shouldn't even be in there, but I fucking, I just had that thing pointed down fucking range

the whole goddamn time. I load it right where I'm going to shoot it. And when it's done, I fucking take the clip out. I fucking, that's it. Safety on and I just have it pointed down range. At no point do I ever take that fucking thing, even pointing it at the floor, turn around and walk back to the, whatever the fucking back area is

and then load it there. I hate when people do that shit. Anyway, so I'm actually at the gun range and this fucking guy comes walking by, he goes, Hey, you Bill Burr? And I was like, yeah, he goes, I'm going to see you tonight at the comedy zone. I go, that's cool, right?

And he fucking opens up. He has like, looks like a, like a mechanics tool chest. He had like a chrome plated fucking desert eagle in there. That's a 50 caliber fucking psycho gun. And he had all this shit with like a silencer. And I go, holy shit, dude, I go, I go, you got a silencer? And the guy goes, yeah, and you're going to shoot it. So I'm, I'm all excited.

And then I see Verzi. Verzi turns into like a fucking six year old standing there. He's got this look on his face, you know, like when the teacher goes, who wants to play with the new toy we bought and pick somebody else? That was the look Verzi had on his face. Like, how come you picked him? Am I, am I going to get to play with it?

So I actually walked over and say, Hey, is it okay if my buddy shoots a tune? He said, yeah. So I tell Verzi, I said, Hey, he's going to let you shoot a tune. He's fucking his whole fucking face lights up, right? It was fucking incredible, man. It's fucking incredible.

You can't, you can't have a silencer. Or what do they call a suppressor? Whatever the fuck they call it, you can't have in New York, if you have one in New York, if you get caught with one of those in New York, I think that's automatically like fucking 30 years. They just look at it like you have that because you're planning on murdering somebody

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B-U-R-R. Go. No, I can't say that. It's the end of the advertising. All right, go use it now. All right, back to the podcast. So anyways, we went shooting. And I got to tell you something.

It's oddly relaxing. You know what it is? After you get over the fact that you're firing a gun, you then want to get good at it. You want to hit the target. It's almost like you're shooting hoops, except you're shooting at a silhouette of a person. Does that make sense?

I actually like revolvers. Classic me, right? Isn't that just typical me? The old fucking curmudgeon. Doesn't like the new shit. I'm not into the Glocks. The semi-automatics. I guess it's nicer that you have more bullets,

but I like the fucking wider vibe. I just haven't a goddamn revolver. You get a nice big one like that 38 that Verzi was shooting. The heavier the gun, the less kick. It's phenomenal. There was this chick next to us shooting a friggin' cannon that she was afraid of.

I hate that shit. I want to go in there. I want to go to a shooting range where it's a bunch of fucking Navy SEALs, and everybody is comfortable. This girl was just like, oh man, it was a beautiful gun though. They, is it crazy to say that?

They really are fucking beautiful. I feel like fucking Tom Cruise and Taps. It's fucking beautiful, man. I'm serious. The goddamn fucking, they're beautiful. Is this freaking everybody out overseas? Another American gun nut. You know?

Why don't you guys have guns over there? You know? You're cops in England. The cops in England don't have guns. Is that right? Or do they have them now because of all the terrorists? What do they have? They have a whistle and that really tall hat.

That's got to slow them down when they're chasing people. Just a fucking lack of aerodynamics, wouldn't it? Anybody? All right. Here's something you need to know. Oh fucking Billy Fat Face is working out again. And I actually went, this isn't an advertisement. I went out and I bought a pegboard.

And I'm hanging them up in the garage. Do I stutter? And I'm totally, I'm fucking all about that now. The grip strength. I don't think I'll ever go to the gym again and fucking sit there and bench press and all that. You don't need to do it. You just need to do push-ups.

All you need to do is move your own fucking body. You don't need to go down there. I mean, unless you're trying out for the NFL, you know, or you're playing rugby. Look at that. I gave rugby respect. You know? This is what it goes.

The lingerie league, rugby, and then NFL football. Bottom to top, you know? All right. Let's get to some questions this week, everybody. All right. College broads. College broads. Oh, by the way, you know something,

you know, the great thing about fucking, you know, this rope climbing shit that I'm doing, doing pull-ups. And now I got this pegboard thing. I actually, I'm on the eighth floor of this hotel. And I'm telling you right now, I could climb down the fucking side. It's a bunch of balconies. And I could hang down from my, if there was a fire, right?

I could fucking hang down and just fucking swing my legs, jump down to the next one. And I could just go all the way down the side of the thing. You know? That's right, right there. Can you do that through bench pressing and doing squats? You can't fucking do that. You're obese with muscle.

You're overdeveloping yourself. All right. Basically, my message is if you're not doing what I'm doing, you're an asshole. Despite the fact I have no nutritional or training or anything that shit. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Hey, let me hype some gigs here. Next week, part of my seven-week tour,

I am four weeks into this fucking thing. By the way, underrated for the week is the comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida. Any other comics are listening. It's just a fucking old school comedy club. It's in the Ramada. It's got the brick wall behind you. I absolutely fucking love the club.

The setup is just a semicircle. Everybody's right there. Fucking phenomenal crowds. I didn't know what I was going to run into when I came out here. Did I already talk about this? I started the podcast a couple of times. Let me just get right to it. I had a great time and I'm definitely going to come back.

I'd like to come back and go to that Georgia Gators game. But I'm just worried that, you know, the games during the day, everybody's going to be fucking hammered. I'm going to get hammered. Then I got to do shows. No one's going to show up. At some point, I have to go to that goddamn game.

But anyways, I had a great time and I want to thank everybody who came up, because I was finally able to work out that Hitler-style thing by adding in satchel page. All right. And if it wasn't such a great club, I would have been closed off and I wouldn't have come up with it.

So there's that. So next week, the tour continues. I'm going to be at Go Bananas in Montgomery, Ohio, just outside of Cincinnati, October 5th and 6th. And Paul, dude, I called it, Versey is going to be there. And we're hanging around to go to the fucking Bengals Dolphins game on Sunday.

That'll be franchise. Today's franchise number 110. That'll be franchise 111. 111 and I'll have 13 more to go. After that, I'll be fucking, where the hell am I going to be? I'm going to be in New York City on October 13th at the Beacon Theater

on the Comedy Central thing night at too many stars. There's too many stars, people. Well, if you're booking me, they should have been a night of not enough, not enough stars. All right. After that, then I go to fucking Australia. I'm going to the Sydney Opera House,

October 18th, 19th and 20th. Another great sport, Australian Rules Football. Harris in New Orleans, November 2nd. I've never done stand up at any sort of a club in New Orleans. One time I did a club in, I don't know, Northern, Northern, what the fuck was it? Louisiana.

That's what I meant to say. Not New Orleans. I meant in Louisiana. I'll be at Harris November 2nd. And on November 3rd, I'm going to LSU, Alabama. You like this shit, people? You like this shit? Isn't this fucking, isn't this a great life?

Traveling the road, I'll be with Verzi again. It's a phenomenal life. You guys should all try. You should all try being a fucking stand-up comedian at some point in your life. And then what you do is you continue to have failed pilots. So you never get a television show. And as much as that hurts, one day it hits you.

And you realize, you know what? It's kind of fucking awesome not to have a TV show. Because I get to kind of just fucking go out here, make great money, go to games, do whatever the fuck I want to do, say whatever I want to say. And I don't have to deal with people going, you know, our advertisers are upset by that. You know, go fuck yourself.

Go fuck yourselves. That's the thing. You know, when you get your own TV show, even if they call it by your own name, you know, it's really not your TV show. It's their TV show. And they'll take it back whenever they fucking goddamn want to. And then what do you do?

You go out and buy a big fucking, I got my own TV show house. And then all of a sudden you don't have a TV show, but you still got the big, I got my own TV show house. And then what? Now you got to go on the road. Not because you want to, because you have to. And you're going to go out there all fucking miserable.

And everybody's yelling your catchphrase from the show. Right? You fucking hate in life. I avoided all of that through failed pilots. I am, I am, I'm living the fucking dream. I just had eggs Benedict that were overcooked. Did you do that? I laid in a fucking hotel room, picked up the phone and said,

listen, bitch, you bring me those fucking eggs, you bring them to me now. And then another woman knocked on my door said, Hey, would you like some turndown service? And I said, no, I would not, but I would like some fresh towels immediately. And she handed them to me and they were still warm. This is the word of the Lord.

Thanks be to God. All right. Anybody go to church today? Alleluia, alleluia. You know, I sat next, you know, you guys think I'm tone deaf. I sat next to one of the most tone deaf people. You know, it's underrated a fucking water taxi. I'm looking at one right now.

I don't give a shit if you're going to the worst fucking job you've ever had in your life. For that moment when you're on that boat, you're a free man. It's like when they were drinking the beers on the roof and fucking Shawshank Redemption. What was I going to say? The fuck was that? Oh, I sat next to this lady, this lady.

You guys think that I'm a bad singer, which admittedly I am. The fucking lady I was sitting next to, she sat next to me and she goes, told me she just came from a George Thurgood concert. She goes, yeah, he just turned 63, which really made me feel old. I go, yeah, how was he?

She goes, oh, he was great. And then she goes, she goes, one whiskey, one Scotch, and one beer. First of all, she didn't even get the words right. It's one bourbon, one Scotch, one beer. And it's, I didn't, she wasn't even tone deaf. She just for some reason couldn't remember the melody. How do you not know that? That's like one of his biggest fucking hits off that cover song.

Right? One bourbon, one Scotch, one beer, bourbon, one bourbon, one bourbon, one bourbon, one bourbon, right? One, hold you go, one whiskey, one Scotch, one beer. I think she clapped as she was doing it, too. One whiskey, one Scotch, one beer. Anyway, if, like, if I could have just fucking skydived out of the plane at that point,

I would have it was so fucking horrific. Um, and she had a dog, she had a dog with her little dog sound. She had fucking drugged it up. Jesus Christ, this dog was freaking out. It had this fucking fear and look and it's, oh, I got a bad feeling, man. I was so glad she told me that she drugged it up, but I, because if she didn't tell me she drugged it up,

and I saw that look in that poor dog's eyes, I would have thought that it knew the plane was gonna crash. You know, they always say that like dogs, dogs, they can sense a fucking earthquake. It's so fucking dumb. Can they really sense an earthquake? Or do they just hear it before we do? Because they have better hearing.

They have that these dumb YouTube videos of the dog sensing it, and it like senses it like fucking six seconds before people do. That's not sensing it. That's just your fucking laying on the floor and you're not wearing any clothes. So you felt the vibrations before I did, because I'm sitting in a chair wearing shoes. You know, if it really fucking could sense it coming,

it would have fucking, you just see it one day, just packing a suitcase and putting on its fucking Bing Crosby fedora, and you'd be like, hey, lucky, where you going? And just be like, listen, man, you know, I know I'm just a dog. I don't wear clothes. I can't drive a fucking car, but I'm telling you,

it would be in your best interest to follow me right now into the wilderness. They never do that. They just go, oh, like fucking five seconds before you do. And then they just start running. They don't stand in a doorway. You know what it is? Dogs get fucking hyped up

because people have been hurt by other people. You know, and at some point they just, you know, they want dog. Dog people wish that people would act like dogs. Just always be excited. Always be happy. Never call them on their shit. You know, just always freak out when I fucking come home.

Always do that. Always be in a good mood. And I gotta admit, I'm one of those dog people. I actually do this thing with Nia, right? I come home from the airport and I call her and I, and I make sure she has the dog like in another room. So it can't hear me coming up the walk, right? It always ends up right as I get to the walk.

You know, to head up to the house that doesn't have air conditioning. Could we just get a standalone unit? And then she just goes, the second the dog stops because it hears me close the door to the car, she always goes, she just looks at the dog and goes, who's that? Who's that Cleo?

Is that daddy? And then she fucking freaks. And I hear her nails as she's trying to run across the hardwood floors, fucking slip slide. And she fucking comes just a ball of fucking muscle. Come fly. It's the greatest, it's the greatest fucking. It's almost why I do the road,

just to watch her freak the fuck out, you know? I feel like the teen idol sensation when I come home. Ah, Jesus people. Where is Joda Rosa this weekend? Where is that kooky Egyptian? All right, let's go here. All right, college broads. College broads.

Hey Bill, I'm a freshman in college right now and I've never seen so many good looking ladies in one place in my entire life. Oh, and they're all single, none of them are married. They don't have any kids. Bang them before they get fucking crazy. What do we got here? He says, the problem is that I have trouble flirting

with the ladies because I always get anxious around them. How can I start talking to them? Because I don't think I'll ever have an opportunity to meet hot girls like this again in my life. Oh, dude, you realize what a fucking in the moment smart analysis that is. You're absolutely right. You're at the club 24 fucking seven.

You're living with them. All right, this is like the NFL combine of pussy. So start fucking, you know, get out your clipboard and pick a winner. All right, don't go Ryan Leaf. Go Drew Bledsoe. I don't know, Rick Meyer. That's who Seattle picked.

How can I start hot girls? Oh, and I've been around so many hot girls like this again in my life. So I want to make the most out of these next four years. Four, F-O-R. What is the best way to start meeting these college hoties while I still have the chance? Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Dude, there's only one way to learn how to talk to ladies. The ladies, you just got to start doing it. Okay, and give yourself permission to suck at it. You know, to a suck at it to suck at it. This is just like doing comedy. It's like learning how to swim. They just throw in the deep end. You start kicking.

That's all you do. Don't kick the women. That's not what I'm saying. It was a bad fucking metaphor there or simile. Simile like a razz. No, it was a metaphor. No, I didn't. I didn't say hitting on women is swimming.

I said it's like swimming. Oh, shut the fuck up, Bill. Yeah, just start hitting on them. You know what? Just what is it? How do you how do you how do you fucking drop in? You know what it is? You're going to figure out what works for you.

You're going to figure you're going to figure it out. Do you have a sense of humor? You know what I mean? That's always great. If you can make them laugh. If you know, I don't know if you just there's no way. There's no there's no way. You just have to fucking go do it.

All right. And if you stand there on the wall, go and see so pretty. Hey, but I don't know what to say anywhere. You know what? Some douche who's probably not, you know, isn't going to bring as much to the table as you are. Right.

It's those assholes who just walk up to them and they just, hey, what do you say to perfect tits? I'm just fucking with you. Come on. Don't be like that. Let me get you a drink. And they put them in a headlock and they drag them up to the bar. Those guys end up fucking them.

I mean, that's an oversimplification. And then people like you stand there going, you see with my girlfriend, I was really like the biggest princess in the world. Right. Now what happens? He goes out and does what you're going to go home and jerk off to. So what do you want to do, sir?

Do you want to live in a fantasy world? Or do you want to live in reality? Just go up and talk to them. Just do it. I don't know. Do something. Just be fucking, you know, obnoxious. Just anything.

Just try different things. Try going up there and saying something. Ron Burgundy would say, you know, your own. I'm kind of a big deal. Anything, anything to get him fucking laughing. Right. Something. But for the love of God, get off the fucking wall.

Sleepwalk banging. Hey, Billy boy. I need some advice for something I can guarantee you haven't gotten an email about before. This one is personal. It's not really, what are you hyping your fucking goddamn thing? Just get to it. All right. Over the last year, I have discovered that I engage in sleepwalking behavior.

The most hilarious part of it. I think fucking Mike Berbiglia wrote a whole one man show that's now a movie about this. So I really don't think you're breaking new ground, although I'll give you the, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. The most hilarious part of it is that I engage in sleep sex. Okay. You know what? Go fuck yourself.

Do you think I'm dumb enough to believe this? You're either just making this shit up or you're a fucking pervert and you're going around basically sexually assaulting other people and then I was asleep. Sorry. Did I put my dick on your lip? My fault. I was sleeping. Anyways, let's just, you know, to fill up the hour, I'm going to read the rest of this,

but I'm already calling bullshit because I've been with my girlfriend for four years now, or both 22 years old. We share a room and a house together with other housemates. And let me guess, you wander in and accidentally fuck somebody else? Is that what you're going to tell me? Is that really where this fucking email is going to go? Um, I found out that if we don't have sex at least once every two days, I will basically begin to perform sex acts on her while I sleep.

Dude, you are so full of fucking shit. I will have absolutely no memories of these. Here's his out. Oh, did I fucking finger bang you with my dick in your ass? Sorry. I was sleep, sleep, sodomizing. Um, I will have no memorized memories of these in the morning, unless I wake up during the act.

My girlfriend says that my eyes are open, but totally glazed over when I do it. The most common one is that I will go down on her. This is so fucking stupid. You're asleep. You're asleep and you're dreaming, right? Your eyes are open, but you're still like in REM sleep, and you're somehow pulling the covers off.

What are you a fucking zombie? You know, I'm not reading the rest of this. This is the most ridiculous fucking... But you know what? Maybe this people interested. I'll keep reading. This is the dumbest thing. This sounds like a Scott Bale movie from the...

Was this the original draft of Zapt? Somebody 43 years old just fucking did a spit take on the dashboard with that reference. What the hell am I? I have also fingered her as well. It's the stupidest thing. The one that I am least proud of is that I apparently licked my own jizz off her boobs

after all, after coming capital letters all in my sleep. Dude, this is the most bizarre fucking thing I've ever read. My girlfriend's actually really cool about it. Hey, he was sleeping. It's fine. Honey, go like this. No, on the other side. Yeah, yeah, a little more over there.

At first, she'll be really startled because she is sleeping, too. If I'm going down in my sleep, she generally lets me keep going until she comes. I'll usually wake up as she's coming. We'll have sex, and we'll both go back to sleep. We'll have sex, and we'll both go back to sleep. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I swear to God, people, there's two more paragraphs of this shit. Do you want me to keep going? The scary part to me is the fear of not having control over my body and my actions. I'm scared because I have clearly shown my ability to perform complete tasks while being completely asleep and having absolutely no memory of them later. I'm afraid that one day I'll find myself waking up,

driving my car down the highway. I haven't shown myself doing anything dangerous yet. You haven't shown my, you haven't found yourself. But who knows, right? The only reason I do know about the times it has happened so far is because my girlfriend has been there to tell me it happened. Who knows what crazy shit I've done before I met her

in my sleep that I'll never know about. My girlfriend says I'm just being paranoid, and then I should let it be. Wait a minute. You fucking came on your girlfriend's tits, licked your own jizz off of them, and she's like, oh, you're just being paranoid. Is this the white chick from every fucking horror movie?

I don't think that noise is anything to be concerned about. What would you do? Would you go see a therapist or a doctor for this, or would you just let it go? I really don't, yeah, this is beyond. He goes, I really don't want to go to a doctor with a bunch of pills. You know what?

I would email Mike Berbiglia. I actually think I vaguely remember him talking about walking over to a window or something, you know, and doing something I can't remember. You know, I don't remember. I would email him. Oh, why don't you, fuck, yeah, go to another comedian. No, fuck that, go talk to a professional, all right?

Jesus Christ. If that's real, is it real, son? Is it really real, son? That's one of the big things in hip-hop. Everybody's gonna, yo, this is real, son. This is real. This is life, this shit is real. It's like, dude, it's all real.

Me laying on a bed right now, doing a podcast in Jacksonville, that's also real. Everything's real, son. Yeah, if it's actually going on, yeah, man, I don't know what to tell you. Anyways, my girlfriend is blackmailing me. Jesus Christ. Dear Bill, my ex-girlfriend and I were together for two months

before she wanted to watch porn with me. I was all hyped, thinking that she was perfect. And she said she'd picked the porno. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable if I picked it. Dude, that's a good thing, because if you're too far down the road, you're gonna fuck up the whole thing. So that was actually a very smart move.

Kudos to you, young man. He goes, the night we did, she turned on the video, and it was a cartoon getting raped by a tentacle monster. And an orc. ORC. I don't know what the fuck that is. I'm not in this world. I was disgusted and turned it off immediately

and stopped having sex with her. Oh, so you guys were having sex, and then she turned on this fucking horrific cartoon. Okay, I've seen those. I've never watched one. I've seen those when you go through. I've seen like the cartoons when I go on the fucker. I want to watch people banging.

I don't want to see like, you know, shaggy, banging fucking, what was her name, Daphne? Who's the hot one? Anyways, I was disgusted and turned it off immediately and stopped having sex with her. She isn't some geek. She's super hot. She started crying, saying that I didn't have an open mind.

I left and broke up with her. Damn. At school, she spread it around that I was the one that shows the video. Oh, there's Verzi. Hey, Verzi, I'm wrapping up my podcast. Verzi. I'm wrapping up my podcast.

What's going on, man? Nothing. I'm doing my podcast. Jesus Christ, Paul, I'm wrapping it up. I'm live right now talking to you. Let me call you in like 12 minutes. All right. All right.

Is anything fucking people just can't get off the damn. I got to go. I got to go. Oh, you got to go. Where you going? So anyways, she isn't some geek. She's super hot. She started crying.

Okay. So I broke up with her. After school, she spread it around that I was the one that chose the video. She then blackmailing me, blackmailed me saying she'd stop if we got back together. Ah, for fuck's sakes. Joe DeRosa is calling.

Ah, geez. Joe, I'm doing my podcast. You cunts. Let me call you back in 10 minutes. Ah, go fuck yourself, Joe. Tell it to somebody else. Um, what the hell am I? So she blackmailed me saying she'd stop if we got back together.

She'd stop what? She already told everybody. My friends say I should, I should get back together with her because she's hot. That is the male brain at 20 years of age. And that, that I keep her getting teased. Ah, I can't, you fucked up that sentence, dude. I don't know if you deleted something.

He said, even teachers look at me differently. What should I do? Mine is throwing my 10 pound textbook at her head. You know what? Look, dude, you know the real story and it's going to be in your face. When somebody comes up to you and was like, Hey, I heard you were watching that fucking octopus raping that chick cartoon video. You just look, just be like, Oh, yeah.

You just look, just be like, Oh yeah. Is that what you heard? Is that what she told you? You know, why do you give a fuck? I know you might give a fuck because it's your world. Dude, the last thing you want to do is get together with her. This is what you do. Call her.

This is what you do. Oh, I got it. Here's what you do. Here's what you do. Why don't you just fucking record a phone conversation with her? Or have her come over. All right. You fucking hit record on your fucking smartphone.

You ever come in and just say, listen, I'm sorry I broke up with you. I'd really like to get back together with you, but you have to promise me you will stop telling people that lie or whatever and you get her to admit it. And then you just talk to her for 10 minutes. Why are you? Why do you think you're into stuff like that? And you get her to admit the whole fucking thing. And then in the end just go, you know what?

I just realized I don't want to get back together with you. And you kick her out because fuck her on her feelings at this point. All right. And then you let her spread the fucking rumor. And then what you do is you just upload onto your fucking page, the audio. And then you become fucking. Oh, no, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that because then that's all fucking mean.

This is what you do. You fucking hit stop and just say, listen, I'm going to tell you something. Oh, then the next day when you guys are allegedly together, you meet up with her in a coffee shop like fucking Mickey Rourke in the end of fucking the Pope of Greenwich Village. And then you say, listen, bitch, we're not getting together. And you're going to stop saying that shit about me. You know why?

Because I got a tape, a tape. I took off a dead cop and you fucking punched the side of her hand, just like you're talking to Bert Young. Okay. Then you put fucking lie in a coffee, Charlie. No, you don't do that. That's what you do. Just fucking recorder.

And this is the thing. Don't put it on your Facebook page. Just have it on your phone. Okay. And at any point, anybody comes up to you and says it. Just say, oh yeah, listen to this. And then you play it for them and say, there, go fuck yourself. And then that's it.

And eventually it'll get back to her that you have that fucking recording. And then she'll shut the fuck up. But don't, don't put it on your Facebook page because then somehow there'll be some sort of cyber bullying. And at the end of it, she has a vagina and you have a dick. So somehow you'll end up being wrong. You know, because if there's one thing I've learned, the ladies are never wrong in the public eye

because they can't bench press as much as us. That's basically what it comes down to. All right. Here we go. So that's what you do, sir. Just pretend like you're getting back together with her and then go into an in-depth conversation about why she's into those videos and why she would go out and hurt you like that

when you would never do something like that to her. Okay. Don't say you're going to get back together. Just say, I want to talk about this. I have to think about this and just delve into all of that and ask her why she would do something like that. And then at the end, just be like, you know, I don't know. I need to think about this.

And then you walk dramatically over to the window. And then she goes, so does that mean we're back together? And then you go, get out. Just get out. And then you got the tape and then you're good. And anybody gives you any shit? Just say, I got audio of her talking about why she's into it. All right.

And then call her and then call her up and tell her to say, listen, I recorded that conversation last night. So it's in your best interest to shut the fuck up. All right. So why don't you go find a squid to shove in your taut and leave me out of it. And that's the news that I'm out of here. Bill, should I fly the coop and leave my boring boyfriend? Yes.

Absolutely. That's it. I don't even need to read it. You're thinking about leaving because your boyfriend boards the shit out of you. You know, if you want longevity, you got to have somebody that keeps your fucking heart going up, pit-a-patta. Dearest Billiam, how's it going? I'm a 32-year-old lady in need of some advice.

I moved to a new place about a year ago to be with my boyfriend and everything with him is perfect. We laugh a lot. The sex is great and rarely argue. It's a dream. My issue is where we live and who we live with. Oh, shit. This has nothing to do with him.

See this? This is why you read them. Where the hell am I here? We laugh a lot. Sex is great, but it do. My issue is where we live and who we live with. I hate the area that we live in and my guts thinks we live in a paradise. Oh, and my guy thinks we live in a paradise and doesn't want to move.

We also live with the mean-ass relative of his that he is caring for. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Okay. First of all, I'm just going to say you're a saint for actually putting up with this long. Not being married to somebody and you're fucking with that goddamn in-law or some shit. I help take care of this surly fuck too, but I'm over it. I'm thinking about bailing ship.

I feel bad about it because one, who am I kidding? I'm old and the baby machine is ready for distribution. Two, the guy I'm with is honestly the nicest person that I've ever met. Anything you and the lovely Nia can suggest would be appreciated. By the way, thanks for making the beginning of my week a little better. Oh, look at you. You're a sweetheart. All right.

See, love this guy. You just have to sit down with them and just be like, listen sweetheart, we're better than this. Okay. You know, I hate living here at the very least. I think you would be a lot happier if you could just not be living with the surly motherfucker. You know, is there any way you guys can live someplace nearby? Can you have that surly fuck like in a shed?

You know, like that sling, sling blades brother that they buried in that hole in the backyard? Can you just, can you go down to Home Depot and just buy some sort of fucking four-walled structure with a roof and just stick that fucker in there with an air conditioned wall unit? Can we get a wall unit at least? Yeah, I don't think that, you know, if you really love this guy, you shouldn't leave him over this, but like if this guy loves you, you can actually sit down and have a conversation and just be like, listen, I'm miserable. You know, if I was ever with Nia and she's just like, listen, I fucking hate LA.

I can't deal with this anymore. I got to get out of here. You know, now she said, I want to go live in Kansas. I'd be like, well, I don't think I can make a living out there. I mean, you talk, but you know, she wants to go back to New York. I would go back. You know, so who knows? Just have the conversation. Have you had a conversation with him?

Have the conversation. See how it goes and then fucking write me back. Let me know what's up. All right, that's it. All right, underrated comedy zone in Jacksonville already said that YouTube video of the week. All right, I got this one for you. This is a deep purple video, New York 1973 live concert. They're fucking amazing.

And also you got to, you got to, you got to listen to this at 546 in the video. This, this fucking epic moment happens right here. Let me make sure I turn this up. This happens right here. Yeah, just for that. I think he was out trying to, he was trying to out Robert plant, Robert plant. All right. That's the podcast for this week.

Thank you to everybody came out to the shows. I'm really looking forward to go to go bananas in Cincinnati. My fucking hour. I got it. It's down motherfuckers. I got the new hour. You will show up. Even if you download my special tomorrow, watch that thing wire to wire.

Memorize the whole thing. You will not see one repeated joke. Okay. All brand new shit. I'm bringing the fire. Shit is rare. Um, what else do we got here? What do we else do we?

I got a couple more advertising things. I want Amazon.com. Everybody, do you want to fucking support my podcast and support the troops? Well, by golly, I have a way to do it. Go to my podcast page, click on the Amazon banner. And what do you do? You go to Amazon and go buy yourself a pair of fucking chopsticks. Okay.

They kick me a little bit of money. And I take 10% of that and I give it to the wounded warriors project. So you're supporting the pro this podcast and supporting the troops. It's about as good as it can get. It's a fucking two for one killing two birds with one stone. Um, and also gamefly.com. Would you like to have 8000 video games at your disposal for a free two week trial? Go to www.gamefly.com slash bill burr and god damn it.

Get yourself some video games. Go into another world and shoot a bunch of people and get rid of the stress underrated. Go into a gun range, learning how to load a gun, learning how to squeeze that trigger, man. Um, that's a podcast for this week. Please download my special and please, please don't, please don't upload it onto YouTube. Please don't do that. Just like I said, I don't give a fuck in like six months. If you want to put some clips up there at that point, you know,

whoever's going to buy it is going to fucking buy it. I don't give a shit, but just, just give me the chance to fucking make my money back. All right. Keep in mind that billy burr has to make his money back or his next special will be a cd audio fucking only go fuck yourself for all ages. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Kiestu een tweede handswagen op instinct of met u verstand.

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