Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-19-20

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

Bill rambles about his Sunday, U.S. foreign policy, and junk food moms.

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That's for Monday! Get after it, it's Monday. This could be the next shut up bill. Alright. It's Monday, October 19th, 2020. What are you gonna do with this week that the Lord gave a few? What you gonna do? What you gonna do with this fucking week?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna watch the news. I'm not gonna be on social media. You put you in the best fucking mood. You know what I mean? You know what social media is? It's like that fucking... It's like having a county neighbor.

And every time you're feeling good about yourself, you like what you're doing, all you gotta do is go on social media and you'll feel fucking horrible about yourself. So, yeah. But if you don't pay attention to the news, man, and you don't know what's going on, man, you don't bring up politics with anybody like I did the other day.

Oh, Jesus. It's an hour and a half of my life. Neither one of us will ever get back and we're still voting for the same person we were gonna vote for in the beginning. It was stupid. I think I said six times during the conversation going like, this is dumb. I'm not gonna convince you.

You're not gonna convince me. And that was the only thing we agreed on and then we continued to hammer each other with our air quote points. Anyway, I got a huge announcement to make. One of my great friends in this business, Dean Del Rey has a podcast, Let There Be Talk. Guess who his guest is this week? Huh?

None other than AC DC. Brian Johnson and Angus Young are going on Dean Del Rey's podcast because they saw his, I guess they saw when he was doing his tribute to Bond Scott in the unbelievable show, sorry, my phone's on, in the unbelievable show that Dean put together and how hard all those musicians, you know, went that night that they were like, who the hell's this guy? This is a, let's go on his podcast.

The coolest thing ever. Dean is absolutely over the moon that he got them. Brian Johnson and Angus Young are going on Dean Del Rey's Let There Be Talk episode that comes out today. Go listen to that. All right. Okay. Now for those of you who aren't into AC DC

and are still listening to this podcast, how are you? How's it going? How are you? How's it going? I watched a little bit of football today and then had to do some dad stuff, which is always fun. So I watched the Patriots versus Denver. Drew Champ came back, led his team.

Phillip Lindsay fucking killed us the running back and I think our offensive line, the Pats, we got some injuries so they moved some guys around and Cam didn't have a lot of time to throw. Yada, yada, yada. We were still in it towards the end. But I was still trying to figure out stuff up there in New England but they still, you know, they're still fun to watch and all that. It's just, it's a whole new system for Cam, a whole new quarterback.

So I am beyond patient with this team and I'm not going to bitch about them because I love the Pats from way back, Sullivan Stadium, you know, Tony East and Steve Grogan those days. So I'm a diehard with these guys. So it's going to be fun to watch them put this thing together. We certainly have an absolute beast as a quarterback and I think our defense is playing great.

It's just, we're not quite clicking on the offense so the defense spends a little much, too much time out there and you know how that goes. But still, the defense did not let them in the end zone. I tweeted how it was like death by field goal but in the end we were right there but Denver's pass rush was too much for us in that final play. You win some, you lose some.

Second of that, you know, I had a couple of buddies come over and during the second half the kids were asleep and everything went out, smoked a stick and I was watching the beginning of the Green Bay game and it looked, you know, up 10-nothing. I was thinking like, all right, they're clicking today. You know, Tom's yelling at the offensive line again. I don't know what's going to happen

and all of a sudden I'm out there and my buddy texts me. He goes, Brady's killing us. So it seemed to me that the Buccaneers defense was what got them in a position to win that game. So I recorded that. I got to watch that one and I'm kicking myself that I didn't record the Titans game because that seemed to be a wild one. There was a lot of weird ones today,

like fucking Atlanta kicking the shit out of, would it beat the Vikings? I think a lot of people, you know, if you bet any favor today I think you got your fucking ass kicked. But Mike Brable, I was talking to a friend of mine. I was going, he's a fucking good coach. Guys, you know, beat us last year in the playoffs and he's got that team playing tremendous.

Let's look at some NFL scores here. Shall we? Let's see what happened. A lot of craziness. Titans came back to win that game. 42-36. Ravens hang on. They were handling the Eagles. Fly, Eagles fly. They came back, made it a game.

Falcons, that was a game. 40-23. Who the fuck had that score? Nobody. The woeful Jets 24-0 getting smoked down in Philly. Buccaneers 38-10. So the Packers never scored again. Wow. I know there was a pick six and then they picked, there was another pick that went down to like the three yard line

because Brady didn't have like gaudy stats. 49 is handling the Rams so far. And Joe Burrow gets back on track with another 300-yard game. LSU. Loving it. They came back and won today, right? No, they lost. Fuck, the Colts came back. Holy shit.

Crazy games today. Giants got their first win over the team from Washington. Can they say the team that used to have the racist name Washington? Washington, the Washington, we used to have a racist name. And now we're not going to, if we can't have a racist name, we're not calling ourselves anything. No, I'm sure that they're trying to figure out. I mean, because now you're going to be married to this next name.

You know what I mean? And I know they're already thinking like, well, the Washington Bullets sounded cool. Now they're the Wizards. So I think Washington Redskins, formerly the Redskins, are doing the smart thing by taking their time. It's hard to come up with a good name this late in the game. All the ferocious animal names are taken.

A lot of the weather is gone, right? You got thunder, you got lightning. What are you going to have like a sun shower? The Washington sun showers can't do that. There's lions, tigers, all these names are taken, right? You could be the football tigers. There's no tigers in D.C., right? There's no lions in Detroit.

None of it makes sense, but you know what? There's a bunch of packers up there in Green Bay. Chiefs' bills tomorrow. And here's my, where is my question? Here is my question, because I know the Browns got this shit kicked out of them today, 38 to seven. My question, considering that the Buffalo Bills took their first loss last week, my question is, did the Cleveland Browns and the Buffalo Bills get exposed

that maybe they weren't quite there where everybody thought, or is it a typical football season and you're going to lose a game? Well, the Bills got the Chiefs tomorrow, so I'm going to be watching that. I did watch the Bills game last week where they lost, and I finally got to watch Josh Allen like a whole game. That guy's a fucking man, dude. He is going to be a problem for the Patriots for as long as that kid can play. He looks great.

And then also, I watched the whole game, what was it, the San Diego with Herbert, Justin Herbert, man, they ended up losing the game. I watched the Saints game, and I was very impressed. And then as an old man, it was great to see Drew Brees come back and beat the young kid. So I don't know, a lot of fucking crazy, crazy game. I bet there's a lot of people who had their heads in their hands, like I'm going to lose my shirt today, all of a sudden to win their bet. And then vice versa, people taking a bunch of fucking money that they thought they already won

and put it on the four o'clock game, only to see that disappear. How many times have you done that, called your bookie at halftime, like, dude, this game's a lock. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bam. Anyway, so, old Billy Freckles has been eating tremendously well, except for today. Today did not go well, because last night was date night with my lovely wife. And we just ordered in, and we ordered a nice fucking rib eye steak, right? Little mashed potatoes, some of that spinach with the cream in it there.

The cream and spinach, right? We did all of that shit. And it was the classic postmates where he's just like, yeah, we left it at the door. And I opened my front door and it ain't there. And I'm looking in the bushes. I'm looking in these bushes. I'm under the car. I'm fucking looking for coyote footprints.

What the fuck happened? I can't be a coyote unless the thing had thumbs and was able to open the bag. Because if something ripped it apart, I'd see the bag, right? I've watched enough CSI. I know there's going to be evidence. There's going to be some blood splatter. So we text the guy back, or the lady back, and we're like, yeah, it's not here. And then postmates are like, well, he delivered it.

It's like, well, I'm sure he fucking did. He didn't deliver it where it's supposed to go. It turned out this kid had like dyslexia. So our neighbor up the street ended up fucking having the thing. So at that point, I had already made waffles, which is my default meal. But then I'm just like fucking, I'm making waffles. So I already made waffles. And so we had this fucking beautiful ribeye steak.

And this morning we made like some steak breakfast tacos with that. And I was thinking, don't eat this, Bill. If you eat this, you're going to eat bad for the rest of the fucking day. And guess what? I ate it. And that's exactly what I did. I ate pretty healthy for lunch. But then tonight I was just like, hey, you want to get a fucking, you want to get a cheese steak?

You want to get a cheese steak? And then that wasn't open. I'm like, I'd love a fried chicken sandwich. I'm telling you, if you eat bad, it wasn't really bad, but it was bad enough. So today's my bad day. But then tomorrow I'm going to be on it again. Six days. Six days on.

I'm going to eat well. Try to go for my old man walks. Still rehab in the shoulder. Still fucking, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm strengthening it now. I'm past the pain and everything. I'm up to the three pound weights. Woo. I'm old.

I'm old. I should just go to Germany and get my fucking blood spun. I should just do that. One of the, one of those fucking things. Come back with like bionic shoulders, um, Porsche level shoulders, um, whatever. I'm doing it. How the fuck I'm trying to do it. So, um, oh, and then also I spent a little bit of today looking over my mail in ballot.

Um, and like most people already know who I'm voting for, but it's the questions. You know, trying to figure out what the fuck. A yes means a what a no means. Got this commercial out here. It's like, if you vote, if you vote no, if you vote yes on blah, blah, blah, question 23 or something, I could die all these old people and people with kidney problems. They're going to shut it down. I'm going to die.

If you vote yes, I'm going to die. So I'm like, all right, well fuck that. I'm voting no. Then you go online. It's like, actually that's a misleading ad. And it's just like, or are you misleading that ad? Is that accurate? Or is the ad misleading and you're missing?

Why do people have to fucking lie? If this is why, if this is, if this is really good for us, why do they always lie? Why is it fucking legal to have a yes mean no and a no mean yes? Like, I, you know what it may be because people are too fucking stupid. There's just too many fucking stupid people out there and they have to, they got to fucking, I don't know. I'm big on blaming the general public now. All right.

I'm done with this blaming politicians and all of this other shit. We're all part of it. Everybody's a fucking problem. And I am a moron just like everybody else. So I am taking the whole week. I'm going to read all the questions. I'm going to figure out what I want to do. And then I'm going to fill it out.

I'm going to put it in the mailbox. And then one of the postman is going to take all of those ballots, my wife and my ballot, and he's going to throw it in the fucking ocean. Okay. But I'll know that I did my part and I'll get a little sticker and I'll walk around with, I voted on my t-shirt. I voted so there. Yeah.

I mean, I guess this, this, like the library has like this yellow box. That's like the thing you're supposed to stick the thing in and you have the best chance that they don't throw it out. Not like with the other ones. They don't throw them out. Right. There's always that, there's that famous story, right? Of when John Kennedy ran how the Chicago mob was throwing fucking votes out in the alley.

My whole time growing up, I always heard that story. And I always just pictured these wise guys with their shiny suits, just throwing this bucket of paper into the alley, which, and then as I got older, it was like, that's probably just like a figure of speech that they threw it in an alley. They probably actually, you know, took it somewhere, buried it or fucking burned it, you know, put some cement on it and dropped it in the ocean. You know, they do, you know, the three ways they whack you, right? I think I've watched enough Sopranos.

So you watch CSI, you know, how to fucking look for evidence. You watch a little Sopranos, you get how the mob works. I mean, I don't know why people read books. I read a book when they could just show you just, you just watch a TV show that's about it, right? And then you know all about it. Like, I never need to go to Philadelphia again. I watch always Sonny in Philadelphia and it's like, that's what they do. They get three, four friends together, they buy a bar and then they have adventures.

That's what's going on in Philly, right? Minneapolis, you get Mary Tyler Moore, she spins around, she throws her hat up in the air. St. Elmo's Fire, that's what Chicago's, I am sorry, I ran out of ideas here. Oh man, my daughter said the cutest thing to me. And I knew she was like buttering me up too. She had this little, I don't know what the fuck it was, this little toy or something like that and it broke. And she comes up to me and she's just like, Dad, can you fix my toy? Can you fix my toy?

And it was this little wooden like figurine and like the arms were made out of string that went through the piece of wood. And then it had two like wooden balls for hands on it. Not a lot of detail with this toy, by the way. So somehow one of the balls came off and the string came up and she's like, can you fix this? So I tried to thread the needle to get it through and it doesn't want to go through the other side. I was like, I don't know what, I need some sort of tool to pull this thing through. I don't know how I could get this thing through. And she just goes, she goes, Dad, you can fix this.

She goes, you fix, you fix my book because I changed the battery. She has this book on hip hop or something like that. We got over in France. You just press the button and it'll play like the, you know, Missy Elliott song as you learn about her and stuff. And all I did was change the battery. So now she just thinks I can fix everything. So she goes, Dad, you can fix it. You fix my book.

You fix my bike. You can fix anything. You know why? Because you're a great dad. She said that because you're a great dad. Now she didn't say, because you're a great dad, because she thinks I'm a great dad is, well, the last time she said you're a great dad was the first time she ever said it. My heart melted. And I was like, oh, and I gave her this big hug and I said, thank you for saying that.

That makes me feel so good. Right. So little kids, they, they, they file that away. So she, the only reason why she said there, you're such a great dad because you're a great dad is because she wanted me to fix the thing. But I had to check with my wife. I go, she's manipulating me. Right. And she just looked at me the side eye and just nodded.

So I got to fix the thing. Now though, I think I just need, I don't know how I'm going to get the hand on. But if I take a little Phillips screwdriver, because I have the one for little kid toys, you know what I mean? Because the little kid toys have those Phillips head screwdrivers that are like this, like the size of a screw on like your watch. So how to go, you got about like jeweler tools to change the fucking battery on these things. Right. Which by the way, I've been doing really good with about my cursing around my kids been doing really well. I got it down.

We're now, all I say is effing. Well, honey, I'm trying to fix the effing thing, but it's, and at this point, my daughter's like, we'll just go, dad, dad, don't say bad words. I'm like, I said effing. I'm like, you're right. You're right. You're right. It's not as bad, but I'm still in the PG 13 area.

So they've been kind of staying on me for that stuff. But anyway, so the glow of doing SNL is, is still with me, but I now I need to replace the material that I used on the show. And so last, oh, speaking of which, I watched SNL last night, Issa Rae who killed it. And I got to tell you, if you missed it last night, try to find on the weekend update. Heidi Gardner did this thing about the chick from the 80s that does too much coke. And it's literally the, the character arc of I was trying to remember like, I'm like, I know I've seen this movie, but she was doing an amalgam of all of that right from when the chick says, Hey, where's the after party to start and hit on the guy to be and coked out of her mind to then realizing that her dreams aren't going to come true.

It was fucking amazing. And both desk pieces, I thought were great. Alex Moffat killed it as one of the Trump kids. I just him and Mikey Day. The whole thing was awesome. So I'd psyched. I'm back into the show. I don't have any gigs.

So now I'm going to tape it every week. I think John Mulaney hosts this week. So anyway, the hell am I talking about? Yeah. So I had to, I had to, you know, I got to go do a set, right? So somebody called me up saying, man, I got a little time here. It's like a barbershop, a parking lot behind a barbershop. So I'm like out in Santa Monica.

So I'm like, all right, I'll go, I'll go do this shit. And I went up and I had like a new bit that I can tell it has potential. It's got all the guts and everything on there, but it just, it wasn't quite where it needed to be. But I definitely got enough laughs that I feel like I can kind of work that thing out. So I was very excited about that. And it was fun to do just another show and now move forward after that stratosphere thing just happened to get back into the whole, you know, slugging it out and all that. I just had such a great week.

I went down in Steve Burns movie opening act. He had a little premiere for that, you know, socially distance premiere. I went down, got, you know, most of the cast was there. So I just, you know, I brought my wife down, turned it into like a little date night. The whole thing was awesome. But I will tell you though, definitely now with the two kids, I'm ready for bed at 830 at night. But I realized if I then jump in the shower, wake myself up and then get in the car, you know, and listen to some tunes. I can, I can get that second wind.

I can get the second wind, but I swear to God, we were getting ready to go out to go see Steve Burns movie, which is streaming everywhere right now, which got a great review and variety. We were both like, oh my God, I could go to bed right now. Could you go to bed? Oh, I could go to bed right now. Fucking hilarious. We're like, what happened to us? It's like, well, we're parents.

Yeah, and I'm also fucking 52. I should have been saying this years ago if I didn't idle so fucking high, you know, I've always wanted to be a chill guy. I don't know what happened. It's just not in the fucking cats for me. So anyway, that was kind of my, that was kind of my week. I didn't watch any of the debates or any of that type of shit. I just can't handle. I can't handle the choices.

I just can't handle the fucking choices. And I just, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to give the fuck. It's just, you know, it gives a fuck. I so give a fuck that I can't watch it. I can't watch it. And I've just really made a decision that what I'm going to try to do is when I go around in my life is I'm just going to really try to be nice to people, you know, which sounds stupid. But I just, that's the only way I can see to try and combat what the fuck it is that I'm watching on TV and I'm watching people screaming and yelling at each other on social media about.

It's just like, why don't I, you know, I stop watching this and just go around and just be nice to people and polite and thank them. Just go out of your way to do that. Talk about the weather. Just go back to like, you know, a simpler time, which is always dangerous when a white guy says that let's go back to a simpler time. I mean, just as far as like common courtesy amongst people, like I'm trying to do that. It makes me feel good to do shit like that. And, and I got a little downtime now. I know we are doing season five of episodes found back at a little downtime.

So we're me and my wife are going to try to get into a new show. We're going to watch this season's Fargo with Chris Rock. So we're going to watch start watching that tonight excited about that. And with that, let's do a little bit of, let's do a little bit of the ad reads here. Adam and Eve. Okay, this is a sex toy, everybody. Hey, hey, hey, keep it clean here. Keep it clean. Adam and Eve.

So this is all just, is this all heterosexual stuff? Because it's Adam and Eve. What about Adam? You know, the old joke, Adam and Steve, Adam and they, Adam who used to be Eve. And now Eve is Adam. Huh? Come on, Adam and Eve. Can we be a little more progressive with your dildos?

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Let's get to some of the questions overseas point of view. Dear Billy, do Americans know how crazy they are when it comes to believing their own government's propaganda? Yeah, well, maybe someday we can be like you and not believe your government's propaganda. Go fuck yourself. I know we're, I know we're, we're in a crazy time over here. Everybody realizes that, all right? And what you're doing is you're going on and you're watching videos of the dumbest

mouth-breathing fucking Americans and you think they're all like that. They're not, okay? We know we're living in a fishbowl over here. What country are you from? All right, you speak about your news stations that have members of your own government's intelligence agencies telling people things with no facts or documents almost every day. My country has experienced a CIA back coup in the last 20 years. Oh, sorry about that.

Maybe I shouldn't have gone in this harbor in this person. This isn't anything new to your country's foreign policy. No, it isn't. It's humorous watching the U.S. trick their own people with the same tactics they use to create militant uprisings. Okay, Touche, these strategies are as old as time and a poor understanding of history is the blame. No, it isn't. It isn't.

It's the fact that everybody is watching TV and that's what's being spewed at them. And if in your country, if they were doing that to you, which I'm sure they are, you guys are in a bubble. The problem with now is you should have dipped in saying you from another country that got oppressed by us and you should try to be building bridges with us so we can then stop yelling and being afraid and then look at our leaders and question what the fuck they're doing. All you did with your beginning was put me on the defensive to defend my country. All right.

Oh, God. All right. Sorry. Here we go. So it's you enjoy watching our country go down the shitter. So what am I supposed to feel bad about yours? I still do. All right.

These strategies are as old as time. The international community deemed your Russia story as false. This is probably a Russian bot here, as well as the U.S. domestic courts. If you don't believe me, please read any international journalist who has no ties to any intelligent agency. Well, if you can find me that person, I will read it. Despite this, your nose news focuses on things instead of your military sprawl. Yeah, dude.

Everybody knows this. Everybody knows this. What are we going to do? They have the guns. We don't. I mean, we're all, I don't know what to tell you. It's a big country, buddy. We're trying over here.

Okay. You never prosecute any of your politicians. And it is very clear that this will make economy expert. What? Wait, it will make it easier for you to continue to be weakened from the inside. Absolutely. I agree. I am not an economy expert, but here in my country,

one of the quickest way our system was destabilized was the excessive spending. Oh, dude. I mean, you're 20 years late on this one. Do you think Americans are just ignorant or do you think they're just too dumb to know they're being lied to? Well, I mean, you just kind of, no, I don't. I think, I think every country, the leader is lying to you and painting a rosier picture and saying that what they're doing is great and what the other people want to do is bad.

I don't think politics is unique in our country. I think this is what they do everywhere. And I think if you're, have the military sprawl that we do and you fuck with so many other countries, people hate you and they focus on you. And, you know, I'm not going to start naming other countries, but other countries, you know, aren't exactly, this is a weird time, dude. So yeah, I know we're completely fucked up. You kind of trashed us.

You offered no solutions. Here's the deal. The people in this country are just like the people in your country. Okay. Everybody wants to walk around, feel safe, get a sandwich, find love, have a couple of kids, maybe, and just be okay and know that their kids are going to be okay. That's what everybody wants. Okay.

So we're no different than from wherever you're from. All right. And as far as all of that other stuff, I mean, just how life has changed so fast. And I'm not talking about the pandemic with technology in 24-hour news networks and all of this type of shit, and then deregulating rules of ownership of media, where all of a sudden that you are basically only getting the viewpoint of a very small amount of people, it's really easy to manipulate people. And, you know, not for nothing.

You know, every time there's a war, both sides dehumanize the other people. They say, still all of that shit that the terrorists talk about, that we're infidels and all of the, oh, whatever the fuck that means. It's like, I'm not an infidel, I'm a fucking jerk off. This is just why I was born, trying to get through the fucking week and pay my bills like everybody else. And they just build up all of this shit. I remember back in World War II, there's footage of Japanese women throwing their kids off a cliff

and jumping off a cliff too when they saw the American troops because their propaganda said that we would eat them if they were caught. You know, and we said all kinds of fucking crazy racist shit about people that we're going to go bomb and blow up because if they didn't, I guess people be like, why are you dropping explosives on fellow human beings? Like, I'll be honest with you, I cannot believe in 2020 that war is still legal. You know, I get having a gun to defend yourself in your house, especially if you live in the middle of nowhere.

You know, by the time the cops get there, whatever was going to happen was going to happen. So I understand people that want to do that. But this whole fucking thing of like, hey, we think this and you think that you don't think what we think. Oh, you won't let us come in there and take advantage of you. So now we're going to just kill more of your people than you can kill of ours. So then you'll bow down to us is I don't know. It's so funny.

This whole progressive time that we're supposed to be in, nobody's fucking with war. It's nuts. And as far as all of that shit about the economic thing, like, you know, the second we went over to the Middle East and had no exit plan, no exit strategy, he's got weapons of mass destruction. Oh, I guess he didn't. I mean, so now what? So we just stay, well, we destabilized it.

Now we can't leave you fucking cunt. I don't know. I blame bankers and the other companies for all of this shit. That's what I do. And I've said it forever. You just give the give the oil company the sun. Just say that's yours. Just say that's yours.

And we'll all switch to fucking solar power, even if at the end of the day, throwing out the old solar shit is not as good is, is, is not as, even if it isn't as clean as oil and coal and all that shit, at least we can just leave people in the Middle East alone. Let them solve their own fucking problems and just get out of there. Save a bunch of fucking money. I don't know why they don't just do that. Um, they're all fucking focusing on the goop there. All right.

Workplace issues. Workplace issues. Um, hey there, bald, Boston, Billy ball saga. Recently I've been promoted to work to shop manager. Congratulations. In the past, in the past, I managed a team of 20 of a 20 year old warehouse workers and rocked it. I'm 35. They looked up to me and as an adult, a man of great knowledge, life experience and wealth.

With the promotion, well, Jesus, uh, that sounds great. With the promotion, my direct reports are now a bunch of bald ball saggers like yourself. Well, into their, well into their fifties, um, great at what they do and great guys, but I can feel the tension already from them, uh, when I am giving them a task. Like, how do you think I should approach gaining their respect as a boss? Oh, so now you're 35 and you're, you're managing these curmudgens. Uh, gain their respect as a boss. Don't take any shit from them is what I would do.

Don't be an asshole and don't get drawn into any sort of name calling or fucking biggest dick contest or any of that shit, that ego crap. Just, you just got to keep it cool. And I'll read the rest of this. I have thought about sucker punching one of them at the water cooler, though effective, likely not the best career move. Okay. So I'm sensing that they're not respecting you.

I thought about constant praise and positive affirmation, i.e. treating them like a child who has done good. I have also thought about sitting them around one by one and asking what change they want to see. I'm only three days into this job and tried none of the above yet. Um, in all seriousness, I really care about my job, love my work, love this company and just want to do well in this new role. Seeing as you are around their age and as abrasive as they are, how would you want a young handsome punk like myself to lead you?

Okay. First of all, dude, you're not young. You're 35. I guess what we would consider you young. I mean, I would consider you young. Maybe you're saying it that way. Well, I'm not a good example of a 50 year old. I'm self employed and really don't have a real job.

I mean, I act like a jerk off and get paid for it. I mean, so I'm in a good mood a lot of the time. Um, I would guess that one of them wanted the position that you got and you got it instead. So they're probably acting like a bunch of real housewives and maybe talking shit about you. What I think you need to do is you need to lead by example. Okay. Don't let them get under your skin. Let them say, I mean, you have, you are their boss.

They have to listen to you. So what you have to do is you got to handle yourself like a man because they're probably already thinking, all right, this guy's a fucking millennial. He's going to be overly sensitive. He's going to be that. This is what I would do. I would, you know, I keep them in check. They want to, they want to cross a couple of lines or whatever.

Just show that you can, you're a, you're a fucking guy that can, you know, take their bullshit or whatever. But like, there's no reason for you to fucking adjust to them. You know what I mean? What I would do is I would, I would tow the company line and handle yourself respectfully and handle them respectfully. Anything beyond that, they can go fuck themselves. And, um, once they see that you're not budging, because they're just testing you to see if

you're going to be like the substitute teacher that they can fuck around with. Um, yeah, you don't have to name call and just be like, you know, I'll send your fucking ass upstairs fast and make your fucking tight tech spin. You don't need to do any of that shit. Just don't take any of their shit. Don't flinch. And, uh, you know, I would, I, and I would never belittle any of them in front of the other ones at that point.

You got to come in the office and then just be like, all right, off the record, what the fuck is your problem? You know, I maybe can't talk like that in the office anymore. That's how they used to do it. Anyway, good luck with that though. All right. They young and handsome, 35 year old. All right.

My mother is going to kill my family with junk food. Oh boy. Hey, Billy Burrito, sorry about the clickbait tagline, but I'm really hoping you can give me some advice here. I'm 24 year old guy who's five, seven and 250 pounds. Oh, that's not good. I live with my parents still not by choice, just don't have the funds to move. Well, it's the middle of a pandemic.

It's a tough year, man. And I've been trying to change my diet for every year now. I started March 19th, March, 2019. I was 300 pounds and dropped to 220 by September through a fad diet. Things were going good, but the holidays came around and with it came some calories. I moved past it only gaining a few pounds and resolving to lose them by cleaning up my diet even more. Good for you.

But around then, for some reason, my mother kicked up the amount of junk food she kept around the house by a lot, by a lot. She didn't stop. We went from having a few snacks around the house to having over 60% of the groceries being garbage, sugar food. With all that crap laying around the kitchen in my face and less than normal food, it got hard to remain resolute. Okay.

So he says, why not just buy your own food? You may ask. I absolutely try to. The problem is the way that we've worked out my rent situation, I simply pay for two large family expenses in exchange for living there. That being our phone bill and our groceries. To make things simple, I just give her my bank card and tell her the groceries I'd like and she gets that and then gets the family groceries.

It makes it all more frustrating that all this junk is being purchased with my money. So obviously, so the obvious solution is just to go and buy the groceries myself, right? Wrong. She winds up making separate runs just for snacks, sugary cereals, donuts, cake, cookies, chips, soda, et cetera. We're constantly overstocked on the stuff. Whenever I leave my room, I see you're eating at least one of them, which brings me to the part I'm really worried about.

Yeah, you're living with an addict, basically a food addict. She's got, that's happening to me today. I had those steak and egg burritos and ate like, now I'm on the fucking crack again. So you got to get off it and then you won't crave it and then you won't buy it. All right. Anyways, plowing ahead. All of this crap is making my family super unhealthy. My seven and eight year old brother and sister have both steadily been steadily gaining weight.

I will try to control them when I'm home, ask them how many cookies they had or making them eat some real food for lunch instead of a third huge bowl of cereal. They just go around me and ask my mom if they can eat more sugar, who seems to have completely stopped giving a shit about their health. Oh, dude, this is getting, is there a light at the end of this fucking sugar tunnel here? Yesterday, I literally watched her give up, give up on trying to get my little brother to eat a sandwich and hand him an ice cream bar for dinner. Every time I try and push them to eat healthy, they react to me

like I'm a mean brother for doing so. And I'm starting to resent my mother for making me feel like a bad guy for wanting my siblings to be healthy. And that's not even mentioning how large my mother is getting. Yeah, dude, you need a family meeting here, I think she has to be approaching 300 pounds. She gets completely winded just walking down our driveway to the mailbox. And I hear a struggling just to make it up and down the stairs every day. I'm incredibly concerned about her well-being and I've even voiced this to her before. She will say something like, yeah, I know it's a problem.

And she'll even discuss diets she heard about, but then never do anything. I've asked her to get a gym membership with me and she talks about it like it's some kind of fantasy like, oh yeah, we should do that. I read about an exercise program or so and so told me about one gym. I was really thinking about checking out, but it's all non-committal bullshit. She says in the moment and never follows up on. Sorry for the long email. I hope you read it. I could really use the advice. Love your SNL appearance.

Thank you. You absolutely killed it. And I'm looking forward to the next time you're at Hilarities in Cleveland. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, you got to sit down and have a heart to heart and just say, just say, mom, I'm worried you're going to die. Well, we can't do this. We need to do, we have to do better. I'm not saying get rid of all the ice cream and chips. We just have to tone it down and then maybe just go out and join a gym

and get her a membership too. And just go like, just walk on the treadmill with me. Just do something to get her going. But that's a, that's a tough thing. And this has been a really stressful year. And I think there's like, I was talking to a buddy of mine and basically everybody in this pandemic has gone one way or the other. They either got into really good shape or they just gained like 20, 30 pounds.

So, yeah, man, that's really hard. And it's literally like, if you're living with somebody who doesn't want to get sober, like somebody who doesn't want to fucking buy good food, first things first is you got to look out for yourself. And you got to, you got to just stop eating that shit that's laying around. Because you don't want it. You don't want to eat it. You don't want the result of it.

And you have to mentally get past the craving. You know, and think about what you're doing to your body. And also know that all you have to do is just sit down and eat a garden salad. And it just levels, I feel like it brings that sugar, salt, fucking bouncing back and forth. It levels you out and it makes your brain sane again. As far as the next thing it says that it wants to eat. Yeah, but that's hard with the young kids there too.

Yeah, I would sit down and talk to her about it. And just, I would just say, listen, I'm not eating this stuff anymore. All right, I'm not eating it anymore. And you know, your fat, the kids are getting fat. My siblings are getting fat or whatever. You kind of got up in a nice way. You know, it's, if it was your idea, dad, it'd be easy. Like dad, you're getting tits.

What are we doing here? You know, women, you got to, you got to make sure you got to do the mini series. You got to make it nice little opening music. I don't know how, but I would go that route. Good luck with that. But don't, you know, you work so hard to lose that weight, man. Don't get drawn into somebody else's fucking food heroin binge here. All right.

Well, good luck with that. Okay, marrying my step sister. All right, dearest Billy bitch tits. Hey, my girlfriend and I have been together for close to five years. We have what some would call a perfect picture. Perfect relationship. She's cool as fuck, smart, funny, and the most gorgeous woman I've ever known. That's great.

We rarely argue and have an incredible sex life. Oh, what's going to happen here? Why would you write in if it was so perfect? And it's been the equivalent of dating my best friend. Oh, wait a second. I forgot the title of this. I bought a ring this summer and I'm preparing to pop the question and spend the rest of my life with her.

All that shit just got turned on its fucking head. We hosted Thanksgiving for our families at our house in 2019. I lost my dad when I was a teenager and she lost her mom when she was a child. Our parents had never met each other before this Thanksgiving dinner. The holiday went really well. Everyone got along and I thought that was the end of it. Oh, no. Fast forward to last week.

Our parents called us up and wanted to take us out for dinner. Oh, no. We met them at the restaurant and they revealed that unbeknownst to us, they'd been seeing each other without our knowledge since Thanksgiving dinner and presented us with rings and a marriage license. They took a trip to Vegas the week before and our parents got fucking married. All in capital letters. I am now legally in a relationship with my step sister.

I could have killed both of our parents right then and there at the table. At the table in my local, I'm not going to say the name of the place, the audacity. What the fuck do I do? I'm now effectively dating my living step sister. My feelings for her haven't changed, but how can I marry my step sister? I think, come on dude, you were already banging her before they got together, right? Should I break up with the woman of my dreams because my mom turned out to be a huge slut and my inner dad had zero problems banging his daughter's boyfriend's mom?

All right dude, you're in a very high emotional state here. I need some advice on what to do from a fellow freckled fuck to help guide me through this Jerry's spring arrest situation. I have found myself smack in the middle of. Huge fan SNL mogul was the tits, mogul was the tits and has always go fuck yourself. Fuck that. For all you know, they're going to get divorced. Marry who you're supposed to marry.

They did steal your thunder. I mean, now I guess you got, you got to a lope. You can't have you and, uh, who's presenting the Warrings, my mom and her dad. Also my step dad and her step mom. Crazy. You need like disclaimers. I stay with her, man. Stay with it.

Wow. Wow. They really fucking. It's like they came in and stole your idea though. I can see how you're so upset. That is fucking weird and like selfish that they just went ahead and did that. Like, do they think your relationship with that woman is a joke? I really understand why you're upset.

I wasn't thinking for a second. I was just thinking the logistics, how it's embarrassing, but like this is, there's a ridiculous selfishness to this, but sometimes in love, you have to be selfish. I don't know, dude. I don't know. Well, at least, where's the silver lining in this? At least you'll have one less in-law. One of your in-laws you'll be related to.

I don't know. I think you just rebooted the Brady bunch is what you did. Greg, Mary's, Marsha. Oh, my nose, facial. Sorry. All right. Employee questions. Apple store.

All right. This is what I asked people who work with the public. I wanted the top five dumb questions that people have been asking you. And these have been great so far. Okay. Here we go. All right. Hey, Mr. Burr, straight to the point.

I worked at an Apple store from 2011 to 2018. You did your time. Signed up for a second hitch, didn't you? Since I know you love going there, here is the flip side. I got to stop blaming that store for my own ignorance on technology. Here is the flip side of what we as employees have to suffer through with some of these mouth breathers. These are all going to be me.

I've probably done all these. Top five dumb questions at the Apple store. I feel like Paul Schaefer should be playing a little music right now. All right. Number five question, which Nike shoes do you sell here? Answer, we don't sell shoes here. There's an accessory that would go into your shoe as part of the Nike Run Club. But people legit thought we sold Nikes for a time.

I didn't know that. Is it Nike or Nike? I never knew. All right. Number four question. Do I get a discount if I buy multiple iPhones, Macs, iPads? Answer, no, but I can sell you multiple devices at full price. Yeah.

You got to be a business, I think, to do that. Even then, you probably couldn't do it. Number three, why won't my phone ring? Hands me the phone. I flipped the mute switch to off on the side or turn off. Do not disturb and hand it back. Number two. I'm seeing a lot of me in these.

Number two question. What's my Apple, Wi-Fi, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, email? Et cetera, et cetera, password. Answer, why would I, a stranger, know that? I haven't even been dumb enough to ask that. Number one, drumroll, Anton Fig. Where are the Microsoft surfaces? Answer at the Microsoft store.

I like that you fucking give these people shit. I like it. You can't get mad that says genius on your shirt, you know? I was going to get upset, but I don't mind taking shit from a genius. Thanks for all the laughs and everything you do, and we'll continue to thank you. Best to you, the lovely Neil and your two little ones. Thank you very much. Well, I think I've asked dumber questions than that.

With some more colorful verbiage. Why do I have to buy a brand new fucking everything every single time? One of your fucking stupid, fucking cunt-y ass fucking device that I don't even need. The last one was fine. Do I need to buy a new fucking whole new charger system? From right into the wall of my house to out of my fucking car. It's so goddamn annoying. And why do you, I didn't want to talk about Apple and they fucking,

they just pay that fucking fine for damaging the environment every year because it's cheaper. Then actually fucking trying to make their shit a little more greener. I don't know what world these people think we're going to live in. At the end of this, I have no fucking idea. All right, whatever, whatever. I pick on Apple too much. They're not the only ones. They're not the only ones.

All right, so we're back to Adam and Eve. All right, Shop Now. Shop Now, okay. Vibrators, her favorites. They got rabbits, clitoral. They got wands, most wands. They got realistic, a little ball bag on that one. Vibrating huge for size queens.

Then they got for guys. They got the flashlight, realistic pocket pussy. For someone, you know, you don't got a lot of time. Best for back door. All right, we'll stay out of that one. Oh, they got little whips and fucking fur fuzzy. What are the, what do you call those things? The handcuffs, blindfold, some lingerie.

They got all of that shit. Oh, there you go. Adam and Eve. Who knew? Who knew? Anyway, check out, don't forget. Dean Delray has ACDC's Brian Johnson and Angus Young on to promote their new album, Power Up,

which you can pre-order on iTunes now on his Let There Be Talk podcast. Please check it out if you just want to see two of the biggest rock legends of the last 40 years and then watch Dean Delray, arguably the biggest fan of rock music this country has ever produced. Watch him cheesing ear to ear, totally geeking out

that he has these guys on his podcast. It's incredible. And I'm going to be definitely checking that out. All right, that is it. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check on Thursday.