Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-19-12

Episode Date: November 19, 2012

Bill rambles about party tricks, atheists,and high school reunions

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 19th, 2012. What's going on? How are you? I am in my apartment in New York City and I think I am as well-miked as I've ever been. I bought some new device, the one that I actually, Ari Shafir, showed me when I did his skeptic tank podcast. And I don't know how to shut off the external microphone. So I'm using a microphone like I'm fucking Michael Douglas. I got on my headphones. I got two more stereo. If you can't fucking hear me this week, if somebody says, oh, the podcast was too quiet, all right, maybe you need to go get Miracle Ear. Do they still sell that Miracle Ear? Can't they like fucking

grow an ear outside of the body at this point? Can't they like grow one in a Petri dish? Isn't that what they're working on right now? I mean, if they can grow the outside at this point, you know, it was years ago, years ago. They showed that on like the local news, right after some old lady, you know, who's made jam for the last 70 years, just fucking died. Well, they usually do that in the end. No, they wouldn't. Not if she died. They do it earlier. But if she was still alive, she's been making jam for 70 years and she's still going. Oh my God, that was some wonderful jam. Yes, it was. We'll fuck later. Anyways, if this is too loud, if this is fucked up, it's just going to be this one week. I just got to go find some tech person. I'm probably

tomorrow morning. By the time you're listening to this, I'm going to be doing the opiate Anthony show tomorrow morning. And I'm going to talk to Danny boy, the lights are calling, whatever. I'm going to, I really should know the words to that. You know, does anybody know the fucking words to that? You know, doesn't everybody just know? Oh Danny boy, the lights are right. That's like now in the second verse to like God bless America. No, not that one. It's one of those songs. One of those songs everybody just sang sings the first verse, one of those patriotic songs. And then you never hear the second verse. So number and we're looks at the lyrics to the second verse and then when they finally look at it, it's the most sexist racist shit ever. You know, and then they do

something about it on TV. Should we get the racial slur out of the second verse or is it part of the American fabric? You know, and then everybody on CNBC and MSL, the liberals sit, they go, we definitely have to get rid of it. We should trash white people in the first verse to make up for what said in the second verse. And then everybody on Fox News goes, you know, I don't see what the problem is. They say that word to each other. I have a red tie on. You know, who watches that shit? Who still fucking watches that shit and just thinks that any of those people have a fucking flying. I don't know what the expression is to have any idea what they're talking about. Do you realize how much shit is going on in the world? And then what do you do? What do those

guys do other than just sit there and just wait for the fucking the teleprompter thing to come on? Or the incoming news? Do they still have that old technology where that thing types forward and backward? Is it coming in? You know, incoming news over in England, according to this computer, that some fucking person wrote into, 6,000 fucking miles away, evidently this happened. I don't believe any of it. I mean, I believe it. I believe a lot more of it now that I travel. That's one of the greatest things about traveling. When you actually see Big Ben, you're like, wow, it really exists. This wasn't just made up. You ever have like that paranoid thought that maybe your town or maybe like your state, depending on how much you've traveled, like that's all there is.

And if you just kept going, you'd actually run into that like that fucking atmosphere that you can't like walk through. You ever have thoughts about that? Well, I have. And I'm not going to be, I'm not going to be made to feel that I'm less than you because you didn't. Okay, before you start judging me during this holiday week. What are you guys doing for the holidays? You having some turkey, some fucking beef jerky, white people with the mashed potatoes, black-pink people with the fucking sweet potatoes, right? Jewish people, do you guys sit, you don't sit this one out. You guys sit out Christmas. You guys have Chinese food, right? So at least we could do give you that one holiday. Jewish people hook you up in September.

You barely even have to work in that fucking month thanks to those people. I should have given them a shout out, a shout out, a late shout out to Jewish people in September. Thank you for those two or three Mondays. I always forget if it's two, three, I know it's one. Is that the month, right? Labor, Labor Day. Armistice Day, Flag Day, and then there's Horatio Sands Day. What the fuck is it called? Yom Kapoor. Yom Kipper. I don't know what it is, but thank you for all those Mondays I've had off. Or is it a Tuesday? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck it is. I don't know what it is, but at least my world, my business shuts the fuck down on those days. And I've never said thanks.

So during the week of Thanksgiving, thank God, I'm giving thanks to Jewish people in those two, three, one, seven Mondays that I have off in, there's only four. Go fuck yourself in September, all right? So anyways, I worked at the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts on Saturday night and had a great time. Paul Verze went up and fucking leveled the place. That fucking asshole. I'm going to lose another opener. I already lost Joe DeRosa, you know? He took off to the richer fields of headlining, right? I can't get that bastard to open for me anymore. He's too big of a superstar, but you know, I caught him in the dip, the teen idol sensation. I caught him between his initial success when he was, and I think he

first broke on Dance Fever. I can't remember what. And then when Disco was out, he had a rough time. And a lot of people don't know this. DeRosa was actually offered John Travolta's part in Pulp Fiction and he turned it down because, you know, he was still, what are we saying, the business? Joe was suffering from exhaustion during that period and he had to go away. So whatever. Now he's back to headlining and so now Verze is opening for me. So I'm like, all right, you know, I can get some miles out of this kid. This fucking asshole is killing so hard. They're not doing just the regular clapping in the end of it. They were like whistling. Whistling is the next level of killing. If someone takes the effort to just not sit there

and, you know, clap in their fucking hand, well, they got to actually bring their dirty fingers to their mouth. They probably went to the bathroom. They don't give a shit about the bacteria, right? And they actually whistled for you. When I hear that, I got, I got maybe another eight months. So if you want to see the legendary tandem of Paul Verze and myself on the road, you better come soon because this fucking asshole is killing. So anyways, we were at, was it Southern Connecticut University? Did I say it right? I don't know what. It was open to the public. So it was a college gig, but it wasn't really a college gig. We were actually at the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts that was on that campus. And it was mainly, you know, people who had

already graduated college, which made me feel comfortable. Actually me and Verze were both nervous because, you know, he's 10 years younger than I am. And I'm actually sitting there going like, okay, an incoming freshman was born in 1994. Fuck me. I was already doing comedy two years two fucking years. What am I going to talk to this person about? You know, well, I haven't done a college gig in years. I don't know. People say you should do them to keep you at your, I was actually talking to somebody about this the other day, like how you stay relevant as a performer as you can't, once you start selling tickets and you have a fan base, you can't just do those shows. You have to keep going down to the comedy club where it's a hundred people who

just showed up that night and could give a flying fuck who you are and whether you're funny or not. And then you can stay current. But if you just get your crowd and you just keep performing to them, as you get older, they get older and then one day they start fucking dying or something. And then that's it. You're standing out there, this old fucking guy in a wrinkled brown suit. It's terrible. This fucking business that the back nine is brutal. The back nine is brutal. That's why I'm fucking, I got to do something. I got to get my two pistols and learn how to hunt and freeze an elk. Okay, come see my act. I'll explain the rest of that. But anyways, what was really interesting was this, the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts was a stone throw from Yale University.

Now I've never been there. I've been to Harvard. I've done a show at Princeton, Dartmouth, and I've walked by the one here that's in New York. I forget what it's called on the way to some ladies apartment back in the day when I was a stud back in the day way back in the late 90s when old Billy Redface first came to the fucking city, right? Looking like Richie Cunningham. How I ever got laid back then was just fun. I had to get on a stage and fucking jump around. I had to. What else was I going to do? Sit there looking like a fucking puppet? Anyways, but I've never, I had never been to Yale. I know I drove by. I had no idea where it was at. Evidently it's in New Haven, Connecticut. And believe me, I've heard some shit about Connecticut.

You know what I mean? I definitely have. I know there's a lot of blue blood money there. Blue blood, blue blood money. And I know that there's a, a fuck. You know what they just reminded me of? I finally figured out a way to work in the so-called white man into my act. I was walking my dog. God damn it. Somebody sent me a tweet. Just write the so-called white man. And I mean, I just have to think about that way the fuck it would go in. God damn it. I was going to do it last night. Fuck. Anyways, so I've heard a lot of shit about Connecticut. That's, you know, there's a, you know, I'll let J.P. Morgan money, the blue bloods. The guys, you know, who, who like their kids haven't worked for fucking generations.

Haven't worked since like their, their, their initial, since that meeting on Devils Island, they haven't fucking worked. There's some Klan members, higher level, no southern accents, you know, pushing the ponds around. I've heard about that. I've heard that there's a mix of Patriots and Giants fans. And then I heard that there was some rough areas of Hatford. I definitely heard that, but I never heard about New Haven. So I don't know. I figure it's, it's an Ivy League campus. I figure it's got to be cool to walk around or whatever. So anyways, I'm like, you know what? I know that the Yale Bulldogs play in an old stadium, just like, I want to go look at it. So I looked it up on Wikipedia and said the Yale Bowl, their claiming is actually the

original bowl in this country. And that all the other bowls looked at that bowl and said, wow, we want to build one too. And that's how you got the Rose Bowl, the fucking cotton bowl, and all those other bowls. And that's, and then from that, they took the name bowl for the bowl games, because they all played in those fucking stadiums. And then from there, the Super Bowl took the bowl name from that. So it all goes back to this. So I'm like, well, fuck me, I got to go see this thing. So I look on my map, my little Google Maps, I see it's a mile and a half away. I hate going to the fucking gym, right? I have my banana and apple for breakfast. I'll go fucking full of fiber. I'll go take a walk down to the Yale Bowl. Go check this motherfucker out. It's a mile and a half away.

I'm in an Ivy League. I'm on an Ivy League campus. This, this, how can I go wrong? Right? I got about two blocks in. This is an amazing thing where you suddenly as a white person realize that you're walking into the hood. There's those subtle signs, you know, that make you nervous. First thing you see is a probably a check cashing place, you know what I mean, funeral home, Baptist church, you know, less white people and you start going, fuck. I'm thinking, well, it's only a mile and a half away. How bad can it fucking get? Plus it's during the day. So I never had a problem during the day. During the day is the regular people. It's at night, right around seven o'clock. I've always said when that second shift comes out, the hustlers,

the zombies and all that fucking shit, that's when you don't want to be there. But, you know, you might catch a couple of those guys coming home late. You know what I mean? So I'm fucking walking through there and I got to admit, I got about six blocks in and I was waiting. I felt like I was in an episode of the wire. Like I was waiting for Omar to come walking by with this fucking gun. It was crazy. I also figured out why black people walk so slow when they're walking down the street. I get it because when you walk slow, you look like you're not nervous. Okay. If you're walking fast like I was, you look like either a narc or a fucking victim. You look like you're scared. People just were staring out because of my fucking red face. I think I really

freaked out a lot of people because there was nobody down there that looked like me. So I finally got through all this fucking shit and I get down to the Yale Bowl because I want to look at this thing thinking it's going to look like the one I haven't. Right? That's basically a ripoff of what is that place over there in Italy? What? The place where they threw all the Christians to the lions and that fat guy who was balding and he'd do the thumbs up, thumbs down. It wasn't Pontius Pilate. He took out the hippie Julius Caesar. Who the fuck was it? The Roman Coliseum. So I thought it was going to look like that. So I show up to this thing. It's dug into the fucking ground. All I can see is these entrances and that have gates in front of them and above

them is just grass. I couldn't see a fucking thing. So then I had to turn around and I had to walk right back through the hood and I was way less nervous the second time because I knew with each step I was getting closer to my hotel. It's weird how that works. Then I started looking around and people looked a lot more friendlier because I was a lot less nervous. And you know what? I think that's one to grow on. Hey, you know what's funny is I actually want to go to a Harvard Yale game at the Yale Bowl. I want to do that because I started thinking about how many future presidents sat in the Yale Bowl or at least candidates. You know what I mean? George W. Bush was in there as was that other fucking guy that ran against him in 2004, John Kerry. You know what I mean?

They might have done keg stands together. So I just want to look at drunk kids out there and be like maybe someday that's going to be my guy who's allegedly my leader. You know? Maybe in the Harvard Yale game when they're not giving each other shit and throwing their hankies at each other, I can actually hear about the next Illuminati meeting. Hey, you know I'm always bitching about the population problem and how they never fucking bring it up in the presidential campaigns. You know what I think they bring it up? I think they bring it up when that Bilderberg group gets together. I think they talk about the real problems when they all get together and be like, all right, what is the easiest way to get $7 billion down to $500 million? You know what I

mean? Is this sit there eating like fucking lobsters and shit? Then who fucking serves them? I bet when you're a waiter for them, when you come walking into that group, when you bring in whatever their fucking escargot and all that shit, I bet they all just shut the fuck up the second you come in or they pull down some different map. And if you accidentally see something like you're never heard from again. Am I slowly losing my mind? I don't fucking know. Anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. And as you know, as I stated numerous times, I've started a podcast network. We're just a mom and pop store at this point. Like I said, eventually we're going to be blogging, putting up video, but it's called allthingscomedy.com.

And it's sort of a co-op like what I live here in New York, live in here in New York. And you know, we kind of, it's, you know, by artists for artists. So we're trying to, we're trying to do, you know, what's funny about this whole all things comedy is I was just going to say, like we're going to try to have like this whole hippie commune thing. And I just saw this whole thing on Jonestown. So hopefully we don't all like fucking drink the Kool-Aid. But anyways, we've added two new podcasts. We're adding the Naughty Room and the Bone Zone, which are absolutely fucking hilarious podcasts. And we'll probably take away listenership from mine, but I'm okay with that. You know what I mean? Fuck. Actually, Brendan Walsh is one of my

favorite. Can I even say up and coming? Well, probably because you guys don't know who he is, but he's been around for a while. I shot a failed pilot with him a long time ago. And we improved through this whole, this whole scene together and just had a great time. You know what I mean? Just a fucking, there's nothing better than when you're with somebody who knows they're fucking funny because then they don't jump all over your shit and then you can relax and he can actually play off each other. It's when you're fucking getting a scene and there's some cunt that just tries to fucking box you out. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. You start treating it like a lamp. That's when it's not fun. All right. Anyways, so let's get on with this. What the fuck am I

going to talk about this week? How far into this thing am I? What am I? What am I? What am I? 18 minutes in my fucking hot ass goddamn apartment. I told you guys a long time ago when my apartment is so hot and it's not because I'm in it. Hey. It's because somebody in this building, either their kid got sick or they got sick. I don't know if they're still sick, but evidently, unless it's fucking 90 degrees in here, they're going to get sick again. So everybody in the building has to fucking suffer. Instead of these fucking dickheads just buying a goddamn space, they just cranked it. I swear it's drying out my floors. I swear to God, I could catch fucking malaria in my apartment. It's disgusting. So anyways,

what the fuck was I going to talk about? Did you guys watch any football this week? Did you watch the Patriots scored 59 fucking points against the Colts? But I got to tell you something. How great does Andrew Luck look? I know he threw a couple of pick sixes, but whatever. He's a rookie. That's going to happen. And he didn't have this freaked out look on his face. He threw a pick six and he was like, fuck. That guy is going to be, I'm not saying anything you don't already know. And kudos to the Indianapolis Colts. Did they play that at the end of Peyton Manning? They played that out perfectly. They probably knew we had another two, three years, but what are the odds you're going to go

from Peyton Manning to a guy as good as Andrew Luck? Do you realize what a smart move that was? That's like in those cartoons, when someone's fallen down the cliff in the phone booth and right before it crashes, they step out. That's basically what they did. In the short run, yeah, they fucked themselves, I guess. Peyton's starting to click with the Broncos. I like the Broncos to possibly go to the Super Bowl, going out on a fucking limb there as every other team is injured. I'm joking about going out on a limb, but I know it was what was it, 59 to 24, gives a fuck. That kid can throw and that kid can play. And I really hope the Patriots, I can't even get myself to say this because it's my quarterback. So I won't even say it out loud.

But at some point, the person with that cute little dimple in his chin is not going to be quarterback anymore for the Patriots. And I hope we're lucky enough to go from that to a guy as good as Andrew Luck. That is the shit. It's very rare that that happens. I would probably say the greatest one that I ever saw was the 49ers going from Joe Montana to Steve Young. Other than that, not even the Dolphins. They went from Bob Greci to like Don Strock before Dan Marino came in. And then Dan Marino, his career ended and then they haven't had anybody. Joey Harrington from the Lions. Who the fuck have they had? Chad Pennington from the Jets. I always thought that that guy could play and just could never

stay healthy. I mean, the fucking Jets went from Joe Namath to nobody. They're still waiting for the next Joe Namath. That's how amazing it is and how much you fucking freak out when you get the real deal. I guess the Patriots went from Drew Bledsoe to Tom Brady, you know? And I know Bledsoe gets a lot of shit, but I mean, that guy was, he was up there, right? He's got the fucking Jets to prove it. No, it's fucking unreal. Look at the Cowboys. Cowboys went Roger Starback, and then they had that long lull, then Troy Aikman came in, and now they're in another, they're in like a fucking 20 year lull now. Wait, how long did Troy Aikman play? He played to like 2000 maybe? And they're still waiting. Although Tony Romo

was not as bad. He's not as bad as people say. Bill, are you going to make any of this fucking funny? You're just going to sit here and talk about how you remember quarterbacks. All right. All right already. Could you hear that? Could you fucking hear that? Oh, Jesus Christ, another person telling me they lost the house in a storm. Holy fucking shit. All right, there's another thing to give thanks for, but that didn't happen to me. God damn it. You know what? The great thing about being a comedian is though you can actually do a bunch of benefits, and I've actually gotten some offers out on the West Coast to do some. I got to jump on one of those. I got to jump on one of those. I don't know what the fuck's going on. You know, you realize I don't even want

some news anymore? I'm just so fed up with it. I don't know if I'm fed up with it or I'm so out of my fucking mind. I can't even relate to it anymore. I just sit there yelling on TV. Ah, that's fucking bullshit. You know, I don't fucking know. You know what? Let's get to a goddamn... Let's get to a fucking... Oh, how about a big shout out to the NHL? They're actually thinking about taking a couple of weeks off. They just can't come to a fucking agreement, so they're going to take a couple of weeks off. You know what I'm going to do? I'm done with them. I'm fucking done with them. You know, every sports fan says that, and then they get all excited when they come back, but fuck them. I'm getting the NBA lead pass. I've actually been watching the Celtics

for the first time in forever. We're actually younger, and I like the way we're playing. I like the way we're playing, and I like every fucking team in the league, including the Knicks, just as long as they beat the Lakers. That's it. I'm old school. I don't give a shit. I don't give a fuck about the heat. They're still an expansion team to me. Good for you with your two little banners. You know, I hope you get some more banners so when the air condition is turned on and it starts waving, it dries out all the fucking botox around courtside. How about that? How do you like that? That fucking creepy-ass town that Miami is? I'll tell you, for as much shit as Hollywood gets for the old guy with the trophy wife, you've never seen it until you go down to Miami Beach

and you see these motherfuckers, 65 years old, 58 maybe at the youngest, with their linen on linen, matching outfit, and those brown fucking loafers. No, sandals that look like that face mask of that guy in the Giants, who's just sick of having people poke him in the face, so he basically has a gerbil cage on his face, though those kinds of sandals, those rich guy sandals, probably made in Havana kind of sandals, those guys, 65 fucking years old, balls hanging down the side of their linen pants inside leg, of course. Let's not get disgusting, right? And they're sitting there with like some fucking 19-year-old. It was unreal. It's fucking unreal. It's a disgusting, disgusting thing that's going on down there, you know, but they've got enough money to cover it up.

How is that legal? Once you're of legal age that you could be 58 with a fucking 19-year-old, climbing on a fucking 19-year-old, right? She's into all this new music you don't know. Yeah, you're sitting there putting on fucking Glenn Miller, Moonlight Sarenade, I don't even know what the fuck it is that they feel like they're in the Little Rascals movie. It's just disgusting and awesome, all at the same time, just depending on what side of the ball you're on. Let's be honest. So anyways, yeah, I'm becoming a big hoop fan. I actually watched some of the Knicks game today with Paul Verzi. What about the fucking Knicks 7 and 1? Go listen to Paul's fucking podcast. He's going to be freaking out about that. Telling you the Knicks

kid. He still says kid and yeah boy when he fucking texts. He's really starting to show his age, but only in his texting. All right, here we go. Some questions for the week. Hey Bill, how do I tell my wife I'm an atheist? Bill, I have the greatest wife in the world and we have two wonderful daughters. This is starting off like a horror movie. You know what I mean? It's always like nice. There's always like leaves falling in a gazebo, but there's just that hint of creepy music. Remember I used to do that back in the 80s when they couldn't just depend on special effects. They actually had a build suspense. That's how this is. Look at this guy. He has the greatest wife in the world, everybody, and he has two wonderful daughters. There's a problem though.

She is a devout Christian. All right, dude, why are you acting like you just met her? You fucking married her. And he goes, and I finally decided that I don't believe in any of it. Oh, that's why. Oh, well dude, welcome to enlightenment. You know, you can't throw it all out the window, but you know, the seven deadly sins, the 10 commandments, all that shit makes sense, but all that other stuff, you know, burning bush, talking to a bat that's walking on a fucking lake. Let me come on. I mean, are we adults here or what? You know, you have to throw your first baby over a cliff to show that you love me. Hey, I was just fucking with you. You passed the test. What is that booming voice coming from the clouds? You know, I just don't buy it.

Something's coming back like for the love of God. What is it waiting for? You know what I mean? Is Jesus like Thurman Thomas trying to find his fucking helmet during the Super Bowl? Is that what's going on here? That's two Thurman Thomas references, two weeks in a row. You find another fucking podcast that does it three weeks in a row, and goddamn it, you should stop listening to this one. Anyways, he says, I finally decided that I don't believe in any of it. I thought about telling her the old joke. We're both atheists. I just believe in one less God than you do. But she wouldn't find that funny at all. She is okay. She is okay for now going to church without me because I work nights. But I have a feeling that

when the kids get a little older, that I will have to become more involved. Should I tell her now, or just let it be and hope that it never comes up? Well, I have to tell you, sir, if you do, in fact, have the greatest wife in the world, she'll accept you for who you are. And if you're an atheist and you don't believe in the stuff that she believes in, then you know, there you go. This is what I would do. Let her take him to church. I don't know what to do. You know, it'd be funny. What if you took up needle point? Okay. And when you went to church, you just did needle point with your legs crossed in the most effeminate way possible. Maybe that's the way you do it. Like some passive aggressive way

that you so embarrassed the most wonderful wife in the world that she asked you not to come. You know, what if you do like a needle point that just is like little atheistic sayings and you make pillows? And when they have like the church drive, like the bake sale and they wash your car, you sell you sell the pillows that you sold during the mass. Oh, you know what? And they say Jesus is Lord, but it's almost like like one of those Pink Floyd songs that if you if you play it, I don't know if you listen to something like hidden messages or something or or maybe they never did maybe just these Jesus freaks did that's gonna really freak them out. It may have like subtle messages in like the the outskirts of the pillow about this is all a bunch of bullshit.

And you don't believe in pedophilia, you know, Jesus, I'll give me some fucking emails. Anyways, what did he ask? Should I tell her now or just let it be and hope that it never comes up? You're basically saying should I should I man up and be who I am or should I stick my head in the sand? Okay, that's that those are your two options. So I am going to throw this back at you, sir. What kind of man do you want to be? Do you want to be the kind of man that sticks his head in a fucking sand when there's a confrontation? Or you want to be that guy that just sits down and just says listen sweetheart, I tried. I just don't I don't believe it. Okay. And I think it's great that you believe it. If you want to go down there and sing the songs, shake some hands, close your

eyes, right, make a pledge for Jesus, whatever the hell you want to do, you go down there and you do that. Alright, it's like watching football. I like doing it. You know, you know, you're not into it. You know, I don't make you watch football the way I don't do that. You know why? Because I'm the greatest husband in the world. Why don't you try that? Just ask her. Listen. Wait, does she know? She, oh wait, she knows that you're not going. Jesus, you know what, you might want to give her a little Jesus juice and get a little liquored up. I don't want to, you know what, you got to tell her. You know, I don't like how you're deliberately working. I feel like you're deliberately working

late on Sundays or early on Sundays whenever the hell she goes. So you can just avoid this. You're voiding shit, sir, and this is a snowball. Alright, a snowball of Jesus and it's rolling right down towards you and at some point it's going to roll over you, you know, and there's going to be some fucking creep in church like that priest on the fucking Sopranos that's going to come over and fucking hold her hand when you're out there doing your little job there. Alright, so I say you just tell her. Just say that. Just look, just be, don't be a douche. Just say I totally respect, I mean, I'm fucking around because I gotta make this shit funny. I don't care if you believe in that shit. God bless you. You know, you know what, I hope you're right so you can laugh

at me when we all die. That's so stupid. Really, I'm going to hell for the rest of my fuck, for the rest of my life. You don't think that's a little overkill? I think the Rockefeller laws are fucking bad. Anyways, yeah, just say, look, I respect that you're into that type of stuff and listen, you know what, dude, who gives a fuck? Somebody took you to church, somebody took you to church, and you after a while realized that you didn't believe in it. So if she wants to take the kids to church, just let her take them to church. But your wife has to be okay with the fact that they say, yay, have them, you know, go down and pray to the hippie, you can say, because I don't believe in that stuff. I don't think it happened. Okay, in a couple of years,

you'll understand what I mean when I tell you about old St. Nick, when I tell you the real story, you know, there you go. Santa Claus for adults every Sunday. All right, Bill, do I go for it? Hey, Billy Fat Face, love the podcast, but I need your opinion on something. So like a typical douchebag, I always joke with my wife about having butt sex. He goes just because it makes her uncomfortable. Dude, butt sex is one of the funniest fucking words ever, because it's a butt sex. It's really fucking, you know, it's almost the sound effect of you pulling out butt sex, you know, or going in. That's disgusting. I'm so much more disgusting on this thing than I am in my regular podcast. I'm in my regular act. But yeah, butt sex,

it's really like blunt force kind of trauma there. Can you hear every time I shift on the couch, so fucking well-miked here? He goes, anyways, the other day she offered to try it. If I quit saying fuck and using the Lord's name in vain for a month. Honestly, I never thought about trying it, except in high school with the chick using the anal virgin loophole. Should I go for it? Thanks and go fuck yourself. No, no, you shouldn't. Okay, and not because I'm some purist and I'm saying you shouldn't bang your wife in the ass. Okay, that's your legal property. You can do with it what you want. I'm just fucking with you. No, you shouldn't. You know why you shouldn't? Because you have to do some sort of fucking parlor trick. Hey, if you jump through these

fucking three hoops, you know, then you can have a cookie. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. See, it's too late to say that. You know, if you don't put your shoes on the rug, maybe you can ba ba ba ba ba. Yeah, you know what? Maybe if you pay for the NFL package, I'll let you ride me. How about that? Why do they always act like what they have is so much better than what the fuck you have? You know why? Because we're weaker. We're like the fat guy who can't resist a cookie and they're sitting over there eating fucking salad laughing at us. You know what you need to do, sir? You need to get in control of your dick. You got to get your fucking dick and check. Okay, this is one thing for you and for everybody else. List every other guy listening to this.

Don't ever do a fucking party trick for a sexual favor. Go fuck yourself. All right? I'm not a goddamn chimp. That's what I got to do. Just rub one out. Rub one out and then you're not going to give a shit. You know what she should have said? If she said it, if the second she said, she'll offer to try it. See, right there, all that means is you're not going to say fuck for a month and you're not going to say goddamn Jesus Christ. It's goddamn fucking thing. Jesus Christ, it doesn't work. You're not going to be able to say that for a month, just so you can sit there and for fucking eighth of a second, she goes, and then that's it. And then you're going to go, Jesus Christ, right? And then she's going to sit there and be like, oh, so you're just going to

go back to saying that? You know, I thought it was really nice that you didn't say that to like a home math, right? And now you're fucking in that. You know what it is? It's like you gave up that real estate. Okay? Just like the native Americans, just like the Mexicans, once you lost Texas, you know, what you have to do, you know what Mexicans have to do to get that fucking thing back? Do you realize the level of bloodshed that they have to fucking, to ever get that back? Okay? This is the same thing in the fucking, this is the Louisiana Purchase right here. You're never getting it back. If you fucking sit there and act like a goddamn poindexter for a month and don't talk like how you normally talk, just so you can just basically knock on the door of her butthole

to have it. Right? I love how you have to do the entire thing that she wants, just so she can attempt to maybe do what you want. See what's, you see what happened? All right? Now you get a pass on this one because this is your first time at the rodeo. So you missed it this time but the next time she does some shit like that. I'll use this one as an example. I'll let you do that if, you know, if you're just trying to not say fuck and use the Lord's name in vain for a month. You know what you should have said? You should have said sweetheart, I love you but fuck that. Okay? And get out of the way of the goddamn TV. And in a weird way, she'd respect you more. She'd respect you more. You know what, dude? You

ought to be able to finesse your way into that fucking move, into that, that, that, that act at this point. All right? You ought to be able to talk your way into it. You ought to be able to make her want to do it at this point. All right? Stop looking for the fucking pass interference call so you can get the first down. Why don't you fucking earn it? I'm like half the fucking quarterbacks in the league these days. All right? Okay. Sorry, that was tough love but you needed it. She did everything but make you put a fucking red nose on. Pink boxing gloves. Jesus Christ, Bill. I was watching the boxing match between Adrian Broner and Antonio DeMarco and they both have pink gloves. Broner is wearing pink shorts. It's fucking November 18th. I don't know if you're

into boxing. Well, the way I try to pronounce their names you can tell them. You know what it is? I love boxing but it's on Saturday nights and I'm always working so I miss it. Jimmy Dorr. The great Jimmy Dorr. He always orders the fights and he always, you know, once every 10 fights I'm in town and I'll try and go over there and watch him. He's a big, big fight fan in a phenomenal comic. One of my favorites. All right. He says, I don't know if you're into boxing but I know that if you watched this match you would have been furious. I'm not, you know, I don't give a shit. I just, it's, I just think, you know, you can just see the writing on the wall with all this pink shit. Eventually there's going to be a real sports segment or

there's going to be a 60 minute segment. I'm calling it right now like Paul Versey that there's going to be some big fucking thing about how much goddamn money these corporations made off of, off of all this pink stuff that they made off of this horrific disease. You know what I mean? That five hour energy, a portion of the proceeds. Yeah. How much of a portion? How much of a portion goes to fighting breast cancer and how much goes to your fucking yacht? Huh? The tassels on your fucking shoes? You don't, you know, I love about that pink. It's just a raising awareness. Why don't you fucking tell us how not to get it? You know? From what I've been reading lately is what you want to do is you want to eat some of the, some of the

power foods there. You know, like kale, a lot of those leafy greens, bok choy and all that type of things. They're full of fucking nutrients and they actually help repair yourselves before they go all the way over into a cancerous cell. Can you believe I have the fucking balls to talk about something this medical? Do you realize I'm just sitting here? That I got three quarters away through that sentence before I actually realized like, wow, I am in way over my fucking head. I don't even own a lab coat. I've just been reading that book, Eat For Life. And I got to tell you, dude, I actually, I'm believing in this because I've tried, I did the abs diet. I've done all those fucking diets, the pie protein, low carbs. I've done all of that shit. And every time I was

on those, I always had cravings. Like, fuck, I miss bread. Fuck, I want ice cream. Fuck. That's what they should call those diets. You know, but this thing here, filling up with fiber, it's been ridiculous. It's actually easy to do. I have a banana for breakfast. Then I wait like an hour and then I have an apple. Then I'm good till lunch. Then I sit down and I have a giant fucking salad. And it fills me up. I feel great. Throw some beans on there and I'm good. I got to tell you something. You eat like that, you'll never be constipated ever. Eat like a rabbit, you will shit like a horse. Trust me. Trust me. Ever see those shows without that fucking lady, you are what you eat? Supposed to be a meal in and a meal out. I was like, what are you talking about?

I eat three meals a day. You're going to tell me I'm going to fucking, you know, fucking, at the end of the night, I got a six spot and posting up a six. The triple double of fucking shitting. You're telling me that that's going to happen? I'm telling you, if you fucking eat like that, it's going to happen. It's going to happen. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But I have, I actually, for once, I'm starting to read up on nutrition and all right, give that book a read. Let me know what you think. By the way, there's no advertising on the podcast this week. None whatsoever. I'll tell you why at some point. All right, Bill, how much weight do I need to lose to be fuckable? Oh, Jesus. All right, just saying that you're

up decent looks. Here we go. Dear Bill, big fan of yours. Go fuck yourself. That was perfect. Little compliment and an uppercut. I liked it. He goes, I'm a fat ass. I'm six one and used to weight 400 pounds as of January 2010. I've lost weight with little effort on my part and now weigh 337 pounds. Basically, I lost weight by giving up soda, adopting a one animal product meal philosophy and exercising two to three days a week at the gym. Congratulations, dude. That's awesome. I got a charge out of that. That's great. You're turning itself around. Good for you. He goes, I currently work at Satan's asshole, Walmart. I will talk about them in another email. Oh, dude, buy it by all means. By all means. Hey, all you people who

work for these giant corporations, if you're seeing some seedy shit by all means, send it to me. I'd love to read the stories or if you're actually doing some good shit and you want to bring down my paranoia a little bit, I'll read the good shit too. All right. The good shit fucking douche. My schedule with them doesn't allow me to get much exercise in this time of year. So increasing my exercise ain't a possible till January. This question is for the lovely Nia. Well, she's not here right now. And I fucked you guys over last week because I didn't have time to do a neolog. Anyways, he says, how much, how much weight would I have to lose to be fuckable? I got a John Goodman Patton Oswald like potato face. I didn't want to trash Patton. I didn't know

you were going to say that. Sorry, Patton, one of the best fucking comments out there. Absolute beast. There we go. Sorry, I don't read these till I read it. My apologies. Here's a link to my Facebook picture with my skinny brother. Let her see her. Remember, I am lazy. I want the bare minimum to be fuckable. I got to go with this one now. Here we are. Oh, Jesus Christ, dude. All right. Hang on a second. Let's look at this here. There's your brother. All right, dude. How much weight do you have to lose? All right. The first thing you got to do is get some contacts. All right, lose those glasses. I like how you're dressed. You got a nice suit on. I would say get you in the game. Would you say 337? Dude, you know, I got to tell you something, dude, but

if you get down to 275, do you get down to 275? Yeah, you're 6'1", 275. You're at your football weight. You'd be fine. 275, you could carry that. And then just keep going. Get down to like 230. You'd be good. I'd keep rocking the suits. I'd lose the glasses. Or you know what I would do if you like, if you don't like contacts, get a, get a hipper, more, you know, I'm judging your, your fucking souffle kind of glasses. You know, this doesn't that they wear on TV. You could turn it around. You're right there, dude. You're within 50 fucking pounds. But I wouldn't use the holidays as an excuse not to lose weight, dude. Just, you know what? Here's one for you. Get that fucking book. Eat to live. Get that book. Eat to live. Just read the first 100 pages of it.

You'll get the gist of it. Now I'm telling you, you'll start turning yourself around. You'll start losing fucking weight without even having to go to the gym. All right? He said, remember, I am lazy. I want the bare minimum to be fuckable. Dude, you know something you got going for you is you got a great sense of humor too. You get down to 275. All right? And you're funny and you're a warm guy and you wear a suit. I'm telling you, it's going to start happening for you. All right? You send me the fucking email about Walmart and when you start getting late, I want to know what the number was. All right? Okay, where are we now? How many fucking minutes are 47 minutes? Jesus Christ, I'm coming up short this week. Overrated, underrated, overrated, making the bed.

Throughout my entire life, I've noticed I've not once voluntarily made the bed. I see it as a pointless, trivial task that makes, that serves no other purpose, but to please other people with OCD by giving them a sense of completion. Why spend even more than a minute of my day to fix something I'm going to mess up in 14 hours anyway? If I did my math correctly, people spend an average of 81 days worth of time making the bed in their life. Kim Kardashian's marriage lasted shorter than that. What a waste of time. If you, if you're living alone, look at this type, be any smaller here. If you're living alone, you're made out to believe making the bed is a necessary must do thing right next to showering and brushing your teeth. Who am I trying to impress

if nobody else is around? Even if people are around to see it, what does it matter? It's not like I don't have a clean house. Does making my bed alone really determine my cleanliness to others? What's next? Tying our shoes after taking them off? That's actually a good analogy. Perhaps organizing our trash before throwing it away, it's just ridiculous. You know what? I get a lot of that, but you know something coming home to a bed that's made can also make you feel good. And also, who knows? You go out to Applebee's just to go out and get yourself some mozzarella falcon sticks, right? And all of a sudden you, you hook up with some chick, you bring her home, I'm telling you. She's like, what am I doing with this strange guy? His fucking apartment smells maybe a little

weird. I'm telling you, a messed up bed can be a deal breaker. Girls looking at a messed up bed, they probably think you're fucking jizzed all over everything or banged another broad in there. Next thing you know, she's got a half a foot out the door. You know, but I do say, I do see what you're saying and I don't make the bed. But I got to tell you, when I do make the bed, when I do come at night and the bed is made, it actually makes me feel good, you know? How many times have you lost something in the bed? Your cell phone's under a pillow, right? You lose your shoe horn, some other fucking thing that nobody uses anymore. YouTube, Bama fans. Oh, I got to see this. I didn't even watch this YouTube video of the week. I want to see this. Is it a bunch of hot

chicks with that great fucking... This video is no longer available due to copyright claim. Ah, fucking crap. Barstool Sports was going to have that. They're always on the cutting edge of all the sports stuff that you want. You know what, I have that guy as a guest way back in the day. So anyways, where the fuck am I going to be coming up? 50 minutes in. Watch me kill, somehow kill 50 minutes. Why do I feel like I'm required to give you an hour? You know? Wait a minute. You're working a short week. You're only working till Wednesday. Why do I got to put in a full fucking hour? You know? You know why? Because I'm a solid fucking guy. I'm not a solid guy. I just have a fucking need to be liked. That's what it is. I'm going to be

at the, um, at the, uh, the improv in Brea, California. Let me see if I can get to my fucking website this... Where the hell am I? Get to my fucking website here. Shows. Shows for the week here. I'm going to be at my last gig of the year. My last official one. I'm going to be at the improv in Brea, California, uh, November 30th, December 1st, and December 2nd. And I highly recommend you go to these shows because, uh, I'm in a great mood lately. And my act is, uh, is firing on all cylinders. I got more than enough. You know, I was afraid because I retired the Steve Jobs bit because I did it on the, uh, Night of Too Many Stas. Did you guys watch that clip? Did I send you a, a clip of that? Um, did I send a link to that? I should say. Um, can you hear me clicking here?

My stomach fucking growling. Um, I'm going to try and find this for you right here. Anyways, but if you, if you get a chance to watch it, it's Night of Too Many Stas. Just go on YouTube. Search that. Night of Too Many Stas. What the fuck is my stomach doing? Night of Too Many Stas, uh, Bill Byrne, you'll find it on YouTube. And, uh, I never, I got to thank Robert Smigel because he, uh, he fought for that set because there were some people that were nervous because I was trashing Steve Jobs and on that network, Apple, advertisers, which is a logic. That's one of those corporate decisions that doesn't bother me. I, I, I understand that. I'm fucking with their money. But, uh, Robert Smigel really, uh, stuck up for me on that one. Fought for the set. So, uh, if you see it,

you'll like it. He's the reason why. Listen to my stomach. Let's see if it'll do it. Can you hear it? Come on. I'll have to bring it down really quickly. Um, oh, you know what I'm doing this week? I'm going to my 25-year fucking high school reunion. There it is. Did I get it down there on time? Did you hear it growling? I'm going to my 25-year fucking high school reunion. I haven't been to any of them yet because I felt like a loser. Um, you know what I mean? So, I'm actually going to go back there with a couple of my old drinking buddies and I'm really looking forward to seeing everybody there. And I'm just hoping that I'm, I'm able to have, uh, you know, I really chose a different road. You know, most of the people obviously that I know, including the guys I'm going with,

they got married, they had kids, you know, they got the house with the picket fence. They did that type of shit. And, uh, so I'm just hoping that it's not going to be like, so you're a comedian. Oh, that's awesome. All right. And then everybody's just going to talk about their kids and I'm sitting there with my fucking hands in my pockets like, yeah. So, uh, you know, I think I left something in my rented geo, you know, it's pretty confident move. I'm showing up in a fucking rented economy car. Do you know, I met some douche one time, this fucking lady and she had gone, she had grown up in my town. I, she was a little bit older and, uh, I met her at one of my shows and she was talking about how she had recently gone to a high school reunion

and just was talking about how pathetic everybody in her class was and how, um, she only stayed there for two hours before she left and went back to the Ritz Carlton in downtown Boston before boarding her United flight back to Colorado. I'll never forget that. She used all the names of every corporation that she was involved in, the Ritz Carlton in Boston, boarding my United Airlines flight, you know, and it was, it was fucked up because as far as I could tell from talking to her, all she did in life was marry a rich guy, you know, she's sitting there looking down on these fucking people. I just, you know, United Airlines. I like how she said that, like it was the fucking conquered going to back to Paris. I don't know. I just hope it's not,

I don't think it's gonna be like that. I actually came up with a really cool grade. It was crazy. The grade above me and the grade below me were, uh, they were, everybody in my high school were cool, but they were psychos. The grade above me and the grade below me, they just fought like they were fucking maniacs. Every weekend there was some bench clearing brawl at a party. Somebody gets a bottle smashed over their fucking head. There was like lawsuits. There was a dude in the grade above me. You want to talk about party tricks? His thing was he would eat a light bulb and he'd be just sitting there eating it with his gums bleeding and be smiling. His blood is in between his teeth, like fucking maniac. Okay. How do you combat that? It's fucking nuts, but my grade was mellow.

We were just, what was cool about my grade was when, you know, suburban shit, everyone would end up going drinking in the woods and everybody had their click. And with each year, the clicks just sort of started, you know, coming together like a virus, but in a good way. And by the end of it, everybody was kind of hanging out with each other. You know, we used to go to this industrial park that wasn't developed yet and we would go down there and there was a bunch of burned out cars back in the day when you could just burn cars for fucking insurance. And nobody would do it. You know, there was no fucking, I don't know, just they didn't even investigate it. Yes, I got a fucking head of 74 pinto. Yeah, I can't believe somebody stole it either. It's unbelievable. Then they give

you money. Insurance fraud was really easy back then and then during those days. But anyways, we used to drink down there and as fuck, that's all we do. We just, everyone could come down in your cars and you'd see somebody headlights come in and everyone would be like, is that a cop? Is that a cop? And there was always the people, the experts recognizing the silhouette of the car and like the square headlights. Back then it was the Crown Vic, the 85 Crown Vic that had a very unique look to it. And that was an aerodynamic at all. And you could just tell and everyone would fucking screw, hide the beers, all the bullshit we were drinking. So I don't know. So I haven't gone to any of the reunions from a feeling like a loser. And then I also had kind of a paranoia where I

so liked everybody in my grade. I didn't want to come back and see somebody not doing well. I didn't want to see somebody with the fucking gallbladder problem or somebody divorced or just somebody, you know, I wanted to remember everybody the way I remembered them. Everybody in my grade was fucking hilarious. They had that light in their eye. They had their whole fucking lives ahead of them. So I guess that's the thing that I'm the most nervous about. I just want, I want to go back and see like happy people. You know, I don't want to see somebody fucked up their back and now they can't work and their fucking job's fucking with them. I'm just really hoping that that's going to be, you know, there's the ups and downs in life, but I'm really hoping that that's going to be to a

fucking minimum, a minimum, a minimum. You know, am I nuts? Do you guys actually, you know, do you guys have any high school reunion stories? I want to hear some good ones, some nightmare ones, and that type of shit just to, you know, keep the podcast rolling here and maybe a different direction at some point. Anyways, that's all I got. I could really fucking hang in here for another fucking round and take a couple concussions that are going to fucking catch up with me later on in life. I don't want to do that. Lead the cops on a police chase or some fucking thing, whatever. Oh, by the way, before we're playing the dirty stinking jets this week, the very quiet jets. I guess somebody was shitting all over the jets this year. I can't shit on the jets. They've

had so many fucking injuries. I think it's actually amazing that they're, that they're four and six. And what's his face? Rex Ryan hasn't been talking shit. And there's something funny about seeing him and that guy there, Tony Serrano with his witness protection hat and glasses. I know his eyes got something going on with his eye. That's why he got away. There's just something funny about them. I was watching the game today before we switched over to the mix and I saw the two of them standing there like high-fiving and hugging each other after a touchdown. I just started laughing. I said, diversity, I go, they look like two fucking guys who just about ready to walk into a casino. You know, those guys that walk into a casino still haven't learned the lesson that they're

going to lose. They come in like rubbing their hands like they got a system. That's what they look like. They look like two guys if they weren't like a buddy movie that you'd fucking root for them. So I don't know. I don't know. I've kind of lost my hate. When someone's not talking shit anymore, I don't give a fuck. Is that weird? I don't know. Go fuck yourselves. That's a podcast for this week. NHL, I'm sorry. I waited to damn near December. I need another sport to offset when football's not on. So I don't know what to tell you. I'm getting the league pass. I don't think you should take two weeks off. And you know what? People out there who blame on the players, it's not the player's fault. This is a lockout. This is the owners. The owners

are basically saying that we don't agree with what we agreed with to already a couple of years earlier. It's such a fucking like it's such it's so so what the so if the players really don't have an agreement unless the agreement totally works out for the owners. Is that what it is? You know what I mean? This is what the NFL owners did last year. Oh, wait a minute. That agreement that we agreed to, we don't agree with anymore. So we're taking our stadiums and going home unless you agree to our fucking demands. I don't know. I signed with the players on this one. And I really hope that they that they can work it out because I miss it. I was watching this thing on HBO. They were running this thing on the I know it's just fucked up because they keep

leaning back and coming forward. I hope this isn't messing with the recording too much. But I watched this thing on the Broad Street bullies. And I have a love hate. Even though it was before my time, I have a love hate for that whole that whole fucking team just because I always love the fighting because that's what was going on when I got into hockey. But also, you know, that style of play really set the game back for a long, long fucking time to the point that people to this day when they criticize hockey and when you listen to them talk about it, you would think it was the 70s or early 80s. Like they don't even fucking watch it. And I don't know. Do you ever see that whole thing about when the Russians came over here to play the NHL? Basically, I guess they were

playing four exhibition games and everybody knew that they were the shit. It's Canada's game. And, you know, the Cold War was in full effect. And it was basically like we wanted to beat these guys. You know, it was like saying that capitalism was right in commune was wrong. So the Russians came in and played three top teams and beat all of them. So it was down to the Flyers to beat them. And the Flyers to their credit, their coach actually came up with the system, which seemed like the lock of the trap. And they just fucking, they slowed them down and the Russians couldn't figure it out. And once they had that going, they started playing Flyer hockey, which is what I really feel where they made that fucking mistake.

They shouldn't have done that. They should have just beat them straight up. But basically, they started throwing elbows to the faces, slashing at them and doing all this type of shit. And the final one was some fucking guy in the flyer skates out of the penalty box and just fucking elbows this guy right in the face. And the guy goes down. And it's not that he did it. It was that there was no call. So then the Russian guy calls his players off the ice and says, all right, fuck it. That's it. We're going home. And then they were showing the Flyers and the guy's going, so you quit, you take your players off the ice like this guy's a pussy. And it's like, now he's not a pussy. It's like, we fucking played you straight up and we beached three

fucking times in a row. We're better than you. Even if you win tonight, we won three out of four and we proved that we were, we were better during that time. The Russian team was fucking better. So the only way you can fucking beat him is to basically cheat and play dirty. I think it was fucked up, but the Russians came back out and they ended up losing and I don't know. I don't want to be un-American here, but I got to side with the Russians on that one. I think it was fucked up. So I imagine I'm going to hear from a bunch of fucking angry Flyer fans, but I've never liked that shit. I've never liked it. I don't mind a goon fighting a fucking goon, but I never liked that shit in hockey where it was just like, all right, let's do some old Samuelson shit. I'm not

as good as you. Maybe I'll just jump on your fucking knee. And then for some reason, then they do that, I'll tell you happy. I hate them, but it was on your team and love them. I never got into that. I think it's bullshit, but I do respect the Flyers to a certain extent and their fan base, but I thought that that one was fucked up. You should have, you had the game playing, you cunts, you should have just beat them straight up. All right, I had to put that one to bed. I had to give you my opinion on a fucking game that happened 37 fucking years ago. All right, that's the podcast. I went over an hour during the holiday weeks. That's it, everybody. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Try to get along with your relatives. Don't take the bait. You can't

change the past. You can't change them. All right, all you can do is change the future by what you create. Okay, so there you go, man. That's the most hippie thing I've ever fucking said. I'm trying to be a little more positive. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.