Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-5-12

Episode Date: November 6, 2012

Bill rambles about New Orleans, LSU/ALABAMA, and Voodoo.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast. For Monday, November 5th, 2012. How's it going? How are you? As you can tell, this is once again one of these ones I'm doing from the road. I don't have a mixer. I was supposed to buy a really small one, but then I went to, I don't know. I bought this giant one. Like, I guess it was going to sound better than my other one. I don't fucking know. But all I know is it's too big to take on the road and then I was going to buy a small one. But I'm here in New Orleans and they, I don't know. I don't know where to fucking buy one in New Orleans.

And I know all you cunts who are from New Orleans are like, dude, what the fuck? There's a zillion places, you know, that have music. Yeah, well, where are they? Okay, I don't know where they're at. I don't know what to fucking look up. And I gotta be honest with you, like, you know, New Orleans is, it's a great city, but it's one of the shadiest. I put it up there like my top, maybe four or five shady cities that I go to, you know, and if you'd like the list in no particular order, it would be San Jose is shady downtown Cincinnati past five o'clock. These all these, all these cities past five o'clock is shady Cincinnati, Detroit all day, all day Detroit all day Cleveland. Is that five? Is that four to add to fucking New Orleans? This is the one thing I will say is fucked up is San Jose, Cincinnati, Cleveland and Detroit are just as far as being like,

I don't feel safe past five p.m. because anybody with who actually has ever filled out a w two form seems to go home at 501. Before that second shift of fucking zombies hustlers and God knows fucking werewolves come out. I would say New Orleans. I can't put my finger on it. It's got this great music. It's got great people. But it just has that, you know, you're going to get your throat slit. If you go down the wrong fucking street vibe. It really does. And this is what they don't have in their little tourist, you know, fucking brochure, because it is great.

And you can, you know, go on a fucking riverboat. You can go down to Bourbon Street, which really Bourbon Street is really like that's the time square of New Orleans like nobody from New Orleans. I figured that out and about fucking 10 minutes when I went over to Bourbon Street with fucking Paul, dude. I called it Versey. I was over there for like, first of all, I was stone sober when I went down the street. And it's just that the whole vibe of that street, you know, it just says sex offender, sucker punched, hepatitis. Those would be the three. You know, like if I was on the $10,000 pyramid, those, those would be the clues that sucker punched, herpes, dirty needle, pass, pass.

Let's go to the next. We'll come back to it. I fucking hate doing these without headphones to the point. I'm actually wearing headphones and I can't even hear myself. It's like my fucking Linus security blanket. But anyways, New Orleans is the shit. The food is amazing. But at night, I have to tell you, like it's the only city in America that if I actually came face to face with a vampire, like I wouldn't be surprised.

You know, it's got voodoo. You know, I forgot that. That's what really puts it over the top. I would say the voodoo, you know, voodoo. I don't even believe in that shit. I don't believe in any of that shit. But it's just the fact that somebody does and whenever you see those things on voodoo on TV, they always have like that crazed speaking and tongues look on their face. You know, some chick always has her titties out and she dumps the blood of a chicken all over.

I mean, it's just fucking, you know, it's what, what are you doing? That's like Manson family shit. You know what I mean? I give Charles Manson somehow got out of jail and started running NBC and wanted to bring back that whole must see TV thing that they had. They used to have back in the late nineties. The first fucking pilot he would green light would be anything that had to do with voodoo. You know, hey, wait, has that ever been done? It's sitcom around like voodoo person.

It would really be terrible. I would take all the fucking edge out of it. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast for this week. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, but a month ago, I started my own podcast, I guess radio station, I guess you'd call it podcast network with Al Madrigal and some other smarty pants. Let's smarter than I am. And it's called all things comedy.com. And we have a bunch of wonderful shows on there. If you want to check it out, we're gradually going to be adding to the site where we'll actually have things beyond just the podcast.

We're going to start blogging, start putting videos up and all that type of stuff. This is the early times, you know, like Aerosmith's first record. You know, they didn't quite have the Aerosmith emblem drawn the way it is now. It was sort of a simpler form of it. You know, took them till they got to about Toys and the Attic maybe. After Get Your Wings, they still had that same one. And now what? Now you want that old concert T-shirt with their original logo.

Well, this is the original logo, all things comedy.com. And I'm going to try to do Ari Shafir's skeptic tank. I'm going to actually, you're going to hear that I'm going to text him about it before he even fucking knows. How about that? That's how inside you guys are. But anyways, the brilliant Tom Rhodes, part of the All Things Comedy Network, has a one-hour special called Light Sweet Crude that just became available on Netflix last week. This guy's fucking hilarious.

Harlan Williams from Harlan Highway has a new mobile app called Harland app. H-A-R, capital L-A-N-D app. It's available on iTunes via harlanapp.com. And Maz Gebrani's crowdfunding campaign for his movie, Jimmy Veswood, American Hero, described as a pink panther meets coming to America. Here's the link to the campaign. It's crowdfunding. You know, I'm going to put the link up.

It's too fucking long. All right? So there you go. There's the plugs. Back to the podcast. Back to the fucking voodoo. So anyways, I told you last week that I was coming out here to New Orleans and I was going to go to Bucket List Game.

I was going to go to fucking New Orleans. I was going to go to Baton Rouge, the LSU game in fucking verse Alabama. And it definitely lived up to the hype. I'm telling you right now, people who live in pro-sports cities like I did, where you look at college teams, you know, the deal. I grew up outside of Boston. So I mean, we had Boston College. Doug Flutie was our big moment.

You know, I know that they've had guys after that. But basically Doug Flutie put them on the map. And when I was growing up, basically college sports in Boston, like our football team, the Eagles or the BU Terriers back when they still had a fucking team. First of all, they didn't even televised the BU games. And then the BC games, you know, we have one of those teams, you know, like when your team goes to kick a field goal, like you can see the dorms, you know, you can see like the parking lot and that type of shit.

We didn't have an enclosed stadium. We just had bleaches on either side. And then Doug Flutie came and did what he did and everybody got fucking paid. And they made so much goddamn money off of that guy that they actually were able to enclose, you know, the stadium. You know what I mean? But you know, college athletes shouldn't get paid. They shouldn't get paid. They make enough fucking money for the school that they can build a new football stadium.

I love that too when people go college athletes, they get paid. They get a free education. Free education, bitch. They just built a hundred thousand fucking seats stadium because of all my little twinkle-toe activities between the fucking hash marks. You know, I get a degree in business. It's fucking ridiculous. I'll tell you that LSU Alabama game. There's over a hundred thousand fucking people there.

And by the way, we sat way the fuck up there. We sat there in that part of the stadium that they added on to the original bowl, you know. Oh, it sucks. They treat you like a fuck. It's like you're flying in coach. You don't even actually, I never actually technically have ever even been in that stadium because I never was with the ticket that I had. They were like, can't go in hot. You gotta go up all the, you know, that fucking Creole accent.

And I like literally had to like walk in the back door. And I vaguely remember going up, I think like 36 fucking escalators till I finally got up top. And it was still the shit though. The one thing you can't say when you're up there is, if you can't fucking read a defense or figure out what the fuck they're doing from up there, you can see the whole field. It's phenomenal. But I gotta be honest, I really learned how much I love LSU by how fucking devastated I was when they lost. Like Verzi was beside himself. He's like, dude, I didn't realize.

I mean, I knew you were a fan, but you were like, dude, I was like more pissed off than the fucking people, the LSU fans. I gotta tell you something, LSU fans and Alabama fans, and there might be some fans around the FCC. I'm sure are going to roll their fucking eyes at this. But like as far as their fan behavior at the one game that I've been to, they were phenomenal. Absolute gentleman. I didn't hear barely any cursing. They were mixed in together. You know, the section where I'm up, you know, up in the fucking bullpen up there, they were all mixed in together.

And it was, I was amazed at the behavior. Like when it looked like LSU was going to win the game and some bunch of Alabama fans started leaving like, which I don't know why the fuck you ever would. You know, people gave him some shit. You know, thanks for coming. Have a nice long ride back to fucking Tuscaloosa. You know, they'd say shit like that. And that's about as deep as it got. And it's fucking hilarious because I'm staying here at this casino where there's a bunch of Eagle fans waiting to go to the Saints game tonight,

which mean Verzia going to. And you see the behavior of Eagle fans in a fucking casino. It's a hundred times worse than LSU Alabama fans sitting next to each other. Yesterday we were sitting there. We were watching Sunday football. And all of a sudden you just hear coming from the casino because everybody's wearing their jerseys. You know, all the dealers are wearing like Saints jerseys and shit. And all the Eagles fans are walking around with their jerseys on.

And I just hear from fucking the other side of the casino. I just hear asshole, asshole, asshole. And I'm thinking like, that sounds like the shit they do with the Philly games when they pointed somebody with a different jersey, right? And then I just hear E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles. Like obnoxious as fucking hell in the casino. So me and Verzia are sitting in like this fucking, I don't know how to explain it. It looks like a dance club that you'd go into when you're playing like Grand Theft Auto. That's what it looked like.

There was this big center thing that had these crazy like neon lights that would gradually change. Like the background and like Bill Cosby himself, how the background would just gradually change color. Except on his special, he had like four colors. This was only two colors. It would go from red and then it would just morph into gold and then back to red. It looked like a giant fucking glow stick. And but there was like these go-go dancer stages, which obviously nobody would say was just these fucking fat football fans. By the way, football fans are the most out of shape fucking creeps you've ever seen in your life.

This bunch of fatties sitting there like Walrus is sunning themselves, you know, before they get bitten in the neck by a polar bear, right? So we're sitting there and we're along this bench, right? And it's me, Verzia, and then this black dude was sitting there for a second. We sort of had like this African sort of had a voodoo vibe. He had like this fucking old school, like, you know, like run DMC while cool J when they had the big gold chains. He had a big chain like that, but it was plastic and it was made out of yellow. It just yellow plastic like a Fisher price. My first MC chain he was wearing and he was wearing that as like a fucking 40 year old guy or he looked 40.

The guy looked like he had a rough life and he had all his teeth from what's that number nine over your two front teeth. They ate nine starting from the right going over up top for those of you who never worked in a dental office. So he had number nine all the way to the back and fucking eight to the other side was just completely missing. Like he took like a Mike Tyson fucking hook back in 1988. So. Verzi goes up to the bar and that dude kind of came over voodoo guy sits down and I'm going like F I don't want to talk to this fucking voodoo dude. But I'm going to look like a bitch if I don't when Verzi comes back if when this fucking half of vampires sitting here with this plastic chain. So I just tapped him and I just said, hey, excuse me, my buddy sitting here.

And he kind of gave me a look just long enough for me to be like, am I going to fucking fight this guy? Am I going to have the weirdest bite marks on my forearm ever where they won't even know what the fuck bit me? And then he slid over. Thank God. Then of course Verzi who's all personality comes over and sits down next to the guy and immediately they're shooting the shit like they went to fucking war together. Right. So eventually the voodoo guy gets up and leaves and then we kind of got this whole like bench area to ourselves like cushion bench. It's nice.

You know, we're watching the fucking games, having a good time. And then this other dude comes over. Another black dude. Don't worry. Eventually I'll be making fun of a white dude. So this doesn't seem like it's just fucking me being freaked out by black people. And this guy comes over and he looked like Thurman Thomas, like how Thurman Thomas would look now. And you know those people when they sit down, they never stop rocking.

He was doing that. He was just sitting there fucking rocking just back and forth kind of doing this OCD thing with his fingers and then like muttering to himself. Right. And he was sitting like we're on this giant bench or cushion. So he's like there's one empty cushion between Verzi and this guy. And Verzi's so locked into the game. He's watching the giant Steelers that he doesn't see this fucking dude like rocking back and forth. And I'm laughing my ass off.

So finally, because I keep seeing people wanting to sit down in that seat and then they see this dude fucking Thurman Thomas, the old Thurman fucking rocking back and forth. I was doing this fucking rain man shit and I'm laughing my ass off and I thought Verzi saw him. So right as Verzi's taking a swig of his drink, I said hey Verzi, you see that guy there and he looks over and he almost does a spit take. I go he's the human equivalent of you know those things at the airport that are always spinning to keep the fucking birds off the runway so they don't fly into the engine. He's literally the human equivalent of that preventing anyone from sitting in that seat. And right as I get done saying that this fucking Eagles fan comes over with the t-shirt on astronaut haircut and just fucking like like movie drunk. Right over acting drunk, stumbling over and fucking just sits down like like on fucking one ass cheek totally lean in his head. He starts sliding down almost into Verzi.

Verzi's like whoa, whoa, whoa, hey easy, easy. And then this fucking the two worlds collides. This fucking guy like I don't know what he did if he like shotgun some whiskey or if he actually took some drugs because he was fucking out of it. He starts tapping Rain Man Thurman Thomas. He taps him and like the way this dude was rocking and talking to himself. I wouldn't even think that he could have a fucking conversation. But the second this fucking drugged up Eagles fan tapped fucking Rain Man Thurman Thomas. The dude just snapped out of it and was like a fucking state trooper.

He just looked at the dude and the fucking Eagles fans like said something like, you know, I said, how you doing or how you living or something. And the dude just looked at him and he was like, how are you living? And he had this fucking look on his face like this pissed off look and the kid tried to high five him. And the guy all of a sudden he just looked like he was gonna he had like that special needs strength and was literally just going to fucking punch this kid's lower jaw. Fortunately, that didn't happen. And Rain Man Thurman Thomas slid over one more chair. So now we got this fucking guy and he keeps passing out falling on into Verzi and then he try and high five us. And we finally ended up having to get security.

He felt like assholes, but it was just like he was going to puke. He could just tell he was going to puke on somebody. So the security came over. Eventually got rid of him. So then Verzi, because he's missed a personality, has to talk to fucking, you know, Thurman fucking Dustin Hoffman, right? And he goes, he said something about the guy. Hey, you know, hey, that guy was, he seemed like he was pretty drunk. He seemed like he was going to puke.

And the fucking Rain Man, dude, stop fucking rocking and looked at him. He go, he looked like you don't get his ass kicked. And we were like, ah, man, nice talking to you. And then immediately went right back to just sitting there fucking rocking. I couldn't figure the guy out. He either had, you know, either had some sort of mental problem or he had like fucking 20 grand on the game that he didn't have. I don't know. Was that even remotely fucking amusing?

I have no idea. I'm fucking sitting here with headphones on. I can't hear myself. This is the Monday morning podcast, by the way. What a fuck I got to do. I got to do two quick advertisements for this week. Here we go. Stamps.com, everybody.

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Enter Burr. All right. Back to the podcast. Me and Verzi fucking go to the LSU, Alabama on, say, Saturday for those of you not from Boston. And I was going to say, I was actually just talking to them going, you know, I was like, what the fuck ever happened to make a little blight? It's the first beer I ever got drunk off of.

I don't give a fuck who you are. You got, there's a special thing, you know, it's like the first chick you ever fucking nailed, the first beer you ever got drunk off of. I had, I had like, I think I had like two mick lights. The first time I ever caught a buzz in Fanuel Hall in Boston. And I was like, oh, I think I like this smash cut fucking 30 years later. So anyways, we're here in Nolans and we actually went to this fucking shady liquor store to buy a Styrofoam cooler and all that crap.

And lo and behold, Verzi comes out with some Michelob light and a bottle of Jameson. And the whole night before we're at the show and everybody in the crowd, I'm like, going on. It's going to be a hundred thousand people. It's a fucking seven o'clock game. What time should we leave? And they're like six in the morning, seven in the morning, I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

There's not going to be 12 hours of traffic. And they just kept laughing at me acting like it was going to be this apocalyptic fucking traffic. And I just kept thinking, you know, I go to the Rose Bowl every year, that's a hundred thousand fucking people. And yeah, there's traffic, but like, it's not to that level. And I get there four or five hours before the game. These people are full of shit, you know, and there's no way that with the way I drink,

which I believe is called binge drinking, there's no way I'm going to be able to get there 12 hours before the game. I'll pass out three times before the game even starts and by then I'm not going to give a shit. So we ended up leaving around 130 fucking crews to the game. They had a left off some exit right before the fucking stadium. We just parked on a side street. Actually, if you want to know what we parked, we parked on Stanford and Yale right in front

of somebody's house. They said it was 40 bucks to park on their lawn, but there was a space in the street. So we just fucking parked there. So then all of a sudden we realized we were like almost a mile away from the stadium and that we were going to have to carry this styrofoam cooler with ice and all these beers in it. Him holding one side, me holding the other, and then Dennis trading off this bottle of fucking Jameson. It was going to be fucking ridiculous.

So I got, you know, why don't we just slam a couple of these? Let's take some weight out of this cooler. I swear to God, dude, I think I drank five of those in like 90 minutes, which at my age is impressive. I wasn't shotgunning either or funneling them like you pussies in college. It's the easy way. You know what I mean? I fucking, that's ripping off the band-aid.

I did the work. So I sucked these things down, then of course then I got a piss like a racehorse. So I'm drunk enough that my personality comes out and I don't come off like a cunt like I did when I was talking to fucking Thurman Thomas there. I went up and I just knocked on the ladies door. I said, listen, I know I didn't pay to park. I parked in your front yard. Is there any way I can use your bathroom?

And she was like, absolutely. And I went in there. And when I came out, I gave her five bucks. I go, what did I say? What the fuck did I say? Not the home security fund, the hospitality fund. She laughed. She took the five bucks, right?

Then she comes walking out later, knowing that we're slamming beers out there and she came out and she asked for our empties, you know, that's what kind of economy we're living in here. That someone's going to, I give somebody five bucks. They let me take a piss in their house and then they come out and they collect my empties. That's how bad it is. By the way, if you live in New York City or you live in Los Angeles and you can't deal with how fucking liberal it is there, you should come down to fucking Baton Rouge and

go to an SEC football game. You would be in heaven. What they were saying out there, they were saying, LSU fans, a couple of them, they were going, no Bama, no bomber. Then they would trash them for saying, roll tide, what would they say? They would say, around the bowl and down the hole, roll tide, roll. And then they would literally mime them going down the toilet in case you didn't get what the fuck they were saying.

By the way, I actually, I've always liked Alabama too, you know, and I know it's going to freak out LSU fans. I'm not from here. So like, I just like teams that are good. So I actually like teams in the SEC that don't like each other, but LSU was my fucking squad. And believe me, I fucking realized that when they lost. And you know what it was too, I didn't like the way the Alabama fans dressed. It reminded me at TCU, come on frogs, where they do that shit, where they dress all dressed

like these fucking junior banker date rapists. They go to a football game, right? They wear like, they wear dockers, boat shoes, and then they have like a fucking polo shirt that they tuck in. They, they, I swear to God, it's like, are you serious right now? You're from Alabama. Oh, who, who are you kidding? I can see if you took off your Alabama shit and you went to someplace else and you tried

to pull it off, but eventually people are going to know you're from Alabama and don't even fuck with me. I've been to Alabama, the civilized parts. Okay. I didn't go down to make in a mobile or all that fucking shit where they, they're down there. I mean, I don't even think they know Martin Luther King's dead yet. They're probably still having fucking meetings.

That's fucked up, but they probably are. We've got to get him. Why do you think that took over the NBA? He's got to be somewhere. He's like Elvis, man. He ain't dead yet. You know, and as fucked up as that is, I swear to God anyways, why? They just, you know, and there was this one, this one fucking dude behind us.

All right. He had little seventh grade boy arms and he fucking, you should have seen him. All right. He's got his little fucking doctors on and his stupid fucking shoes. He had, he has his gut. The funny thing was this kid was probably only about 15 pounds overweight, but you could tell that he wasn't stopping. And I was saying to Verzi, I go, look at the, I go look at that dude.

I go, just tell me that guy doesn't scream massive heart attack in about 20 years and Verzi's laughing. I go, look at his shoes. Those are heart attack shoes. He had like these fucking like they were like boat shoes, but they had like those tassels on them. I'm going to tell you right now, if you're a white guy and you wear shoes with tassels, there's no fucking way you're not going to have a 98% chance of having a heart attack.

The second you put those shoes on, and if you don't have socks on, it's a hundred percent. That is the official dying at your desk or almost dying at your desk fucking shoes. You know, like, you know how Chuck Taylor's back in the day with the official punk rock fucking sneakers that meant you were into punk music and you were different because you and all your friends dressed exactly the same. Those fucking things. So anyways, I'm watching the game and the exact reason why I became an LSU fan, which was, was basically because of the way less miles, you know, the mad hatter, the riverboat

gambler, whatever you want to call them would basically, you know, I actually said before the game, we're on Bourbon Street and everybody was going out, even LSU fans are going to think Alabama's going to get us. They're going to, few of whom are going, they're going to kill us. And I, you know, I was drunk, of course. What else would I be doing? And I was like, let me tell you something right now, I'm calling this right now, Paul Verzi.

There's going to be a fake kick, an onside kick, a fake field goal and a fake punt. He's going to pull out all the tricks and they're going to fucking win. You watch, well, they did the fake field goal. They did the onside kick, no fake punt, but they also went for it on fourth down. And if he didn't see the highlights, none of it worked. The onside kick worked, but it didn't go 10 yards and, uh, oh Jesus, they fucking blew it. I was absolutely, I couldn't believe I was fucking devastated.

I literally, I walked out of the stadium. It was the quietest I've ever heard on a thousand people leave a stadium. And I got to give it to the Alabama fans. They weren't talking shit. They were just like, I think I was sort of the Eagles fan at the game. I was the asshole. I was just walking around fucking hammered, hammered, yelling at anybody I saw in red. I would just go, Hey, Alabama, the dream ends tonight.

It's going to be a long ride. I just kept saying that Alabama. And they would look at me like with this fucking shock look on their face. And I was like, Jesus, did you see that fucking guy? Cause I didn't realize, like I said, I'm only judging them on one game here. I thought you guys, you're a, I can't, I can't figure Southern people out. You know what I mean? They're really nice, really polite, really friendly, yet all the other shit.

Confederate flags, the South's going to rise again. The whole, you know, slavery wasn't that bad a thing, was it? Or the civil war wasn't about slavery. It was about representation and the fucking, you know, they start doing that shit. Um, I don't know. Can you really fault them for it though? Isn't that kind of like the, the same thing as like when your team does something douchey, like films, the other team that you'll never quite admit that they actually cheated.

Oh, by the way, in defense of my New England Patriots, um, I was watching the Green Bay Packers yesterday, um, and I saw, I saw, what's his face? Aaron Rogers goes over to the sidelines and he fucking goes to talk to his coach and what does he do? He puts his hand over his mouth when he goes to talk to him. Now, why do you think that is? Why do you think that is? Because somehow the other team could read his lips from that far away now because you

think for some reason they actually have the NFL feed going or maybe just maybe there's a chance that they're fucking doing something on the other side, that they're filming, that they're looking through binoculars and all that fucking horseshit. I'm sorry. I'll, I'll defend the page. I'm, look, we fucking cheated. What are you going to do? Everybody, everybody's doing it.

I do the same thing when I defend Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong. So anyways, I actually, I'm telling this story all over the place. Man, this is like a Tarantino movie, right? I started in the middle, jumped to the beginning and now I'm at the end. I don't know where I'm at. Anyways, somewhere in like the third quarter, I got these epic hiccups and I just couldn't stop and I had them for the rest of the fucking game through the night, the entire drive home. They went away a couple of times and they came back like literally to the point I felt

like my esophagus was going to snap in half. And then I went to sleep, came home, had a pizza, I had heartburn. So I figured, oh, I know, I'll use some pizza dough to fucking absorb that. And I went to bed and I actually got woken up by hiccups at seven in the morning and all day yesterday, I just, I just had them on and off and on and off and on and off to the point I finally looked up what causes hiccups. First of all, I didn't even know what they were. I just thought it was when you swallowed air into your stomach and it was trying to get

out but it couldn't. I didn't know. And everybody's telling me that they're, they're remedies and that type of shit. So basically this is what causes, after I've told you this story of what I did, oh and by the way, when I went to the game, I had a burger, I had a sausage po boy. I had M&Ms and I had something else and I had already drank five fucking Michelobes and a 90 minutes and then walked up to the stadium for a mile walking in the sun and I had a big gulp of Jameson on ice and then I smoked a Cuban cigar all in there.

I don't really fucking remember the order and in the midst of all that, I was going, Alabama, the dream is tonight. That was a fucking mess. And then I got these epic hiccups. So this is what causes hiccups. It says a very full stomach can cause bouts of hiccups that go away on their own. A full stomach can be caused by, number one, eating too much food too quickly. Check, drinking too much alcohol, check, swelling too much air, check, smoking, got you right

there buddy. A sudden change in stomach temperature such as drinking a hot beverage and then a cold beverage. Now I didn't do that but I definitely drank a lot of cold and then smoked, I don't fucking know. Number one, emotional stress or excitement. Is it any wonder I had fucking hiccups for close to 36 straight hours? I did every fucking thing you could possibly do.

I was like a nerd going right down the checklist. You know, I should have been like rocking back and forth talking to myself. So basically, I'll tell you where the excitement came in. Was when I went into the stadium, when you come walking through the hall and I just saw those two LSU end zones and that tiger eye on the 50 yard line and I couldn't fucking believe I was there. And I'll tell you right now, no bullshit. If you are in a pro sports town city and you never watch college sports because you know,

you can't get into it, you never watched it, I've only followed the pros. I'm telling you, pick a team. Pick a team, get into it the way I did and fucking one year, you and your buddies just take a fucking road trip, tell the ladies to go fuck themselves, go to the game, don't drink and eat as much as I did, but definitely get yourself a nice cigar and go to the game. It'll definitely be worth it. I was actually jealous that I didn't study harder in high school and didn't go to a college like that because that's the amazing thing about those is like those games are like everything.

It's like generations of families are together. There's like many reunions of old drinking buddies and then there's the existing class. Oh, it's just unreal ESPN game day was there was fucking insane. It was worth every goddamn cent. So I don't know if you don't have enough shit on your bucket list, I would definitely suggest going to an SEC game and don't go to some bullshit cupcake game in September. You know, go to go to a fucking game like that where there's like a hundred years of hatred.

I'm telling you, it puts Red Sox Yankee shit to shame. Go to go to fucking Michigan, Ohio State, LSU, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Oklahoma, Texas, telling you, I'm telling you, all right, Bill, we got it for fuck's sakes. We got it. Oh, by the way, Friday night, when Friday night when we were doing the show, um, I Paul Versey got one of the fucking funniest heckles and he didn't even hear it because the guy did it so southern and like laid back. Versey was talking about some shit and he just basically said the tag was and he was

just riffing, you know, making it more southern because we were in front of that crowd. He's like, you know, I'll blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes, I don't give a shit. He goes, I'll kick some fat rednecks ass down the street or something like that. And then I just hear in the back of the crowd, some dude goes, try me. It was fun. It was the greatest and he sounded like he wasn't even bullshitting. I just loved that.

He was like, I'm a fat redneck. Come on, let's do it. Fuck it. Um, speaking of which one of my favorite shows is coming up because coming back, of course, I don't know the name of it because I'm an idiot. Uh, it's the one with those southern guys cook up the moonshine. On film and there are like ducking behind trees as the cops come by hoping that they don't find this still.

And it's like, dude, this is all the damning evidence they need. They don't need to walk through the woods anymore. They just, they have your name. They'll find out where you live and they'll just drive up and get you. Right. That show has to be fake. Why isn't that guy getting arrested? They don't blot out his face or anything.

What's the deal? Um, all right. Let's get into this, uh, Southern Connecticut show. Yeah, I'm doing a college at Southern Connecticut university. Um, will your material be toned down because of the college kids? Um, where my act is right now, there's nowhere to go. I can't really tone it down because the subjects alone will probably be considered offensive. So what I'm going to have to do is change the intro of each bit.

Well, I'll, I'll try and make it more relatable. Where I'll be like, Hey, you know, here's something that might happen to you in 20 years. If you don't get married and you keep drinking, but then I'll just do the bits. So don't worry about it. If you think about coming to the show, it's going to be an adult show. I do a college once every two or three years. Um, and I'd be lying to you if I wasn't a little concerned about this one. I'm a little concerned about this.

There's a low pressure system coming in, um, toned down. Hey Bill, you think you can tone down the swearing during your podcast for who? Why, why, why would I want to tone down? You think you can go fuck yourself? Go go find another podcast, go to all things comedy and find another podcast to listen to. I love when people do that shit. People like, you know, you might want to consider like I'm sitting here doing this for you. This isn't for you.

This is for me. So I don't have any guests just sitting here talking to myself. You decided listening to do if you don't, I don't give a fuck. All right. This is my fucking, uh, this is my job that I can get fired from, you know, when you just want to make a couple extra bucks, you know, get out of the house. Maybe you're not happy in your relationship. You just, you know, you don't like sitting around.

I want to do something else and get myself a weekend job. Oh my God. He works so hard. No, sweetie. He's sick of you. Um, no, so I won't talk. I won't tone it down. Anyways, uh, my weekend, yo.

So for the past three weeks or so, I have been smoking weed on a normal and I most say, and I, and I must say, that's what you're trying to say. Life is so much more happier. Cause if any drama rolls through, rolls, throw, THROW rolls through. I know just let it roll off and life is so much chiller. I'm just going to read this. How this person wrote it and life is so much chiller, more need to do this and stop being so damn uptight.

Love your Monday morning podcast and have a good day. Go fuck yourself. Are you saying that I need to do that? Life is so much more happer. H-A-P-P-E-R cause if any drama rolls, throw, um, look, after the way I drank this weekend, I'm going to give you shit for using any sort of substance. I actually need to shut it down. I would never advocate drinking the way that I drink.

I wouldn't. All right. I got this weird thing where I'm not an alcoholic. I just fucking love doing it. I mean, I could stop. Oh Jesus, I sound like the classic alcoholic. I can stop whenever I want to. I took a fucking year off.

I was bored, but I was never sitting there like, I need it, man, I fucking need it. I just like doing it. I like getting hammered and I like yelling at people in boat shoes. You know, sue me. Uh, but I definitely need to shut it. Once you start getting heartburn with the fuck sitting and making fun of these people, like they're going to have a heart attack, isn't heartburn basically the, uh, the on ramp to major coronary failure?

I was speaking to which I'm reading this book right now, eat to live. And every time I say eat to live, I always think of iron maiden aces high. Every time I say eat to live, I hear Bruce Dickinson saying fly to live, live to fly. Um, oh, the eighties anyways, you guys should definitely check out this book. Hey, would you like me to read you an excerpt of it? I got to, I got to read you this. Let me put this on pause right here. Actually, you know what?

Maybe it'll be funny if I just walk across the room, just hang on a second. So I walk across the room here to try to find, you just busy yourselves, busy yourselves. Fuck amongst yourselves as I try to find the book. Fuck is it? There it is. There it is. Here it is. Okay.

Everybody take your seats, take your seats where class is back in session. All right. So this, this is guy, right? He wrote this book, Joe Furman, MD. All right. So you know, he's smart. Um, he wrote this book eat to live. So I hate going to the fucking gym.

The only reason why I have to go to the gym other than gravity, pulling my fucking man tits down to the ground every goddamn day. It never quits unless you're laying down. You know, if you did a fucking headstand your whole life, if you could actually do that, would you have fucking man tits eventually be in your face? What's the deal? Um, anyways, this guy's basically saying he used space, you know, you know, forever that they've, they've said the problem with the vegan diet is that you

can't get enough protein. You're not going to get enough protein and that, uh, whatever, like vegetables aren't a complete protein or something like that. You basically, you got to have a protein the size of your, the palm of your hand. No bigger than that. Make sure it's a lean cut and yada, yada, yada. This guy's saying it's all bullshit. Go to the fucking zoo.

The most jacked animal there is a goddamn gorilla. You can't get any more jack than that. A fucking gorilla is like an NFL linebacker fucking times 1000. They said, if you fucking had a, a, a gorilla, if you could actually make it bench pressed, if you could actually make it do it, you know, I said, get over there. Right. How the fuck are you going to make it do it? Right.

Somehow it wanted to do it. It could basically bench press two tons easy. All right. That's 4,000 pounds for you dummies out there and for you people overseas. I imagine that's a bunch of fucking, uh, whatever the fuck measurement you use a bunch of stones. Um, I think like a stone, cause I remember looking it up one time when I was listening to ACDCs, whole lot of Rosie weighing in at about 19 stone.

That was about 218 pounds, I believe. Do the fucking math. All right. So that's 19 times five, that'd be about 1000 pounds. So that's like a hundred star. Yeah, it's about 400 stone, 350 stone. I go fuck yourself. So anyways, he said, and you go to the zoo, the grill is the most fucking jacked

animal you ever going to see and they eat 80% vegetables, 20% fruit. Now granted, I realize I'm not a fucking gorilla, but I tell you, I went to the zoo and I looked at goddamn monkey in the eye, you look at chimp in the eye and I'm telling you, they're us and we're them. All right. We're just, we're just a little, little, uh, little above or a little below, depending on how you view the environment, you know, in all our inventions, the fucking goddamn mess we've made of the planet.

So anyways, this is what the guy's claiming as far as, cause my whole life, I heard about the four food groups and you build it around a protein. This is what this guy's saying. Um, he's basically saying, Oh, I know, I, I, I, this is going to be fucking hilarious because I can't read. This is terrible. Um, he's basically saying, you know, even you go to the supermarket and they say that shit that, that, you know, they'll say like, this butter is 98% fat free.

You know, then you're like, so this butt is fucking only 2% fat kid, 2% fat kid. Um, it's actually bullshit, butter is a hundred percent fat. What they did is how they got around it is they just, if you took like butter, which is a hundred percent fat and you threw it in a glass of water and then you stirred it up and then rather than counting the caloric value of it, of the butter, which is still a hundred percent fat, you did it by weight and you included the glass and the fucking water. That's how it becomes 2% fat by weight.

It's then becomes 2% fat, but the fucking butter is still a hundred percent fat. It's like 2% milk is really 49% fat. All right. Does that make any sense? Well, it shouldn't cause I'm stupid. So let me read what this, this fucking guy wrote. And he's smart cause he's an MD using weight instead of calories and nutrient analysis tables has evolved into a ploy to hide how nutritional,

unsounded, many foods are the role of the USDA was originally to promote the products of the animal agricultural industry. Over 50 years ago, the USDA began promoting the so-called four basic food groups with meat and dairy products in the number one and number two spots on the list financed by them. And this was financed by the meat and dairy industry and backed by nutritional scientists on the payroll of meat and dairy of the meat and dairy industry. This promotion ignored science.

Am I going to get sued for this? Um, this program, I'm only, I'm only quoting the book people. This program could be more accurately labeled the four food myths. It was taught in every classroom in America to me included with posters advocating a diet loaded with animal protein, fat and cholesterol. The results of this fraudulent program were dramatic in more than what more ways than one Americans began eating more and more animal foods. The campaign sparked the beginning of the fastest growing cancer.

Hang on. I got to turn the page epidemic in history and heart attack rates soared to previously unheard levels. So I don't know whether you believe that or not. I got to still think that people were always eating steaks. All I know is I'm going to try to give this thing a shot. It's not that I'm going to go vegan. All right.

And I know if you try to do anything outside the norm of that, automatically people are going to be sending me emails. First you dry a previous, now you're a vegan. Why don't you just stick a dick in your ass? Like it always becomes that, right? Um, no, actually I'm going to try to have one salad a day, the very least to offset my fucking steak eating ways. You know, I don't know.

The fucking book basically blew my mind if it's even remotely true and I got to admit, I've kind of been doing it a little bit and it's, uh, it's making me feel pretty good. And I'm shitting like a fucking race horse. Sorry, ladies. Um, I'm actually learning how to eat a salad without any dressing on it. Cause I guess that even like olive oil has 150 calories per teaspoon. And I got to tell you, I easily put seven teaspoons.

That's not even that much. You know, you have a, you know, I might as well eat a fucking burger. I'm an idiot. So to eat a salad without dressing, I swear to God, you don't know the misery, but what ends up happening is you get used to it and I swear to God, the onions and the tomatoes, maybe a carrot in there, whatever the fuck you have. And that becomes the dressing and you actually get excited to eat a tomato. You know, it's funny.

I don't think I sold that as much as I made people run to go eat more fucking meat, but whatever, I'm going to try it out because, um, cause I hate working out. I got to go down and I got to go try and work off one eighth of what the fuck I did to my body at the LSU game. God damn it. I was upset after that game. What happened? I actually did the dumbest thing I could ever do.

I actually have another fucking team that I'm now going to live and die for. So what are the odds they're going to win the championship every year? Zero. So every fucking year there's going to be some level of disappointment. You know, well, they won the citrus bowl. I guess that's kind of good. All right. Next one.

Um, here we go. Gay son, Bill, my son just left for college this year and when I was cleaning out his room, I found several notes from he and his best friend from high school. These two were together all the time and are rooming together right now in colleges. In college. God, I'm fucking is pathetic. Um, the notes I found were from, from one another on special occasions like Christmas. All of them said essentially the same thing.

I know nobody can know, but our love is real and we can express ourselves better in college. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Here we go. They go on to talk about their nights in hotels and how their girlfriends never knew they were gay. My son talks about how he can never tell me because he thinks I will

disown him. Oh my God, are the hiccups coming back? Is this story exciting me? Um, Bill, I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone and I'm not mad at him or anything and don't care that he is gay, but I want to know if I should tell him, I know his secret. Jesus, why do you guys ask me these questions like I'm qualified? I'm not qualified to answer this, but this is what I would do.

First of all, the fact that, you know, you're not going to judge him and you won't disown him. His biggest fear is, is just that it's only a fear. So that's, that's a good thing. So I don't have any kids, but I know that. That if my son had some giant fear, I would want to, if I could in any way alleviate that stress from his life, I would, um, I would. So I would just, I would, I don't know, I would sit down with them and I would

just say, look, okay, tell him you love him and all that stuff. So he chills and say, you know, whatever you said, you know, I was cleaning out your room, I found these notes. I mean, I don't know how this is. You almost want to ask, you got to ask somebody gay about this. Cause I don't know if this is going to be like, if it's up to him. You don't want to shock the kid, but, uh, I would think that I would think and just say, you're not going to disown him.

You're not mad at him or whatever. I, I, I would think, and I'm not qualified. I would think once you got over the shock of holy fuck, my biggest fear in life, my dad found out once he finds out, you're not fucking mad. You give him a hug and then just say, listen, and I'm not going to fucking tell anybody, you know, it just hurt me. It made me feel sad that you, that you were thinking that I would be like that with you.

I'm not, you're my son. I love you. That's, it's it, you know, and I would just do it like that. And then just say, I'm not going to say anything about your friend. I'm not going to say anything to your mother, uh, you know, well, that probably puts you in a situation with, I don't fucking know. I don't know how to go beyond that, but that's, that's what I would do. All right.

Once again, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. So there you go. That's, that's what I would do. Okay. Good luck to you, sir. Okay. Moving on. Book recommendation.

Eat to live, live to fly. Sorry. Um, Bill, I hope all is well with you. Well, I hope all is well with you too, sir. Or ma'am, hermaphrodite. Um, I just wanted to say that I enjoy listening to your podcast early in the morning while I practice guitar before work or even better while I'm wasting time on my cubicle.

How do you practice guitar? Listen to this shit. Um, anyway, I heard you mentioned in the past that you're a fan of body weight exercise. Yes, I am. I'm not sure if you heard of Ross. I can't read that word. And a mate, E N A M A I T, but he is an X boxer and physical trainer who lives

in Massachusetts. He put a, he put a great book out called never Jim less a few years back. And I've been using it on a daily basis to keep in shape. Ross is a bare knuckle, no bullshit kind of guy. I think you'll enjoy the book. If you're into using your own body weight to keep in shape, I am in no way affiliated with Ross. Well, I'll believe you because you just told me you weren't, um, or anything

like that. I just want to let you know that I enjoy your work and thought you might be interested in this book. Yeah, I'll check it out. Never Jim less. That's oddly comforting. The gym will always be there. And those times when you can't work out, those were the times when I carried

you, uh, movie recommendation, Bill, you got to see Wreck-It Ralph. It made me laugh and cry. Oh, geez. I didn't laugh when I saw Cosby and I didn't cry when my relatives died. Oh, you didn't laugh when you went to see Bill Cosby and you didn't cry when your relatives died, but Wreck-It Ralph, I think I saw some of that. I think I saw. I think I saw something about that, which is that one.

There's one out there that looks like a pixelated angry me that's coming out. Uh, I don't know. Anyways, overrated, underrated, underrated, being from a pro sports town and flying to New Orleans and experiencing a college football game between two SCC rivals. I'm telling you, put it on your bucket list. All right, go buy your wife some shoes. There you go, sweetie.

These are for you and these two tickets from me. Go fuck yourself. I'll see you in three days. And by the way, if you get, if you get hiccups and you want to cure them, they got all these different cures and all that. The biggest thing is just don't eat like an asshole and drink like an asshole. Like I did. Oh, by the way.

By the way, this time tomorrow, we have the big election here in the States. I don't know if you heard about it. People out there in Sydney, Australia and Melbourne, Melbourne. Is that how you say it? Melbourne, Perth, Oslo, Helsinki, all these fucking places I go to now. I don't know if you guys heard about it. I'm sure it's all over your fucking blows me away that you guys give a shit. Considering I can't name any of your guys other than Tony Blair.

And every's why I know Tony Blair's. He's got such a fucking great show business name. Ladies and gentlemen, keep it going for that motherfucker Tony Blair. You know, he almost needs a black dude to bring him up. That name's so smooth. Keep it going for Tony Blair. Um, anyways, uh, so what do you think? Who are you calling?

Paul Verzi is dying. He wants, he's Romney all fucking day. He wants Romney. I don't want either. I don't even know who I'm going to vote for this time. I don't even fucking know. I have no fucking clue. It's, I don't give a shit.

It's not, it doesn't matter. They're both going to roughly do the same fucking thing. Cause the same people got money on both fucking guy. Um, I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do, but, uh, I don't know. I've had it. I, I just think people are so fucking stupid and that's coming from me who

can't even read out loud at 44 years of age. I just think people like, I just don't understand how they process information. You know what I mean? The way they, they, they look at shit. They never connect one presidency to another. It's like people can't like whatever's going on. They're like, Oh, who's in office? Oh, it's his fault.

You know, they don't keep seeing like the same problems, keep getting fucking worse and worse and worse. I just don't, I just don't believe that the president can fucking do anything. Well, he can do, he's like Mark Sanchez. He just has to try and manage the game. Don't throw a pick, Mark. Don't throw a pick. That's basically all he can do.

You know, other than that, I, I, how are you going to tell, how are you going to turn this country around? Like corporations are so fucking powerful that they're beyond the borders of this country. Like, you know what I thought was really fucked up and is literally treasonous activity is like all those people out there dealing with a hurricane, Susan, Sally, I, I, for some reason, I just cannot remember the fucking name of the, that goddamn hurricane, that shit where everybody is lining up to get

gas and all of a sudden gas becomes like 5.99 a gallon to do that to your fellow countrymen when they're involved in that type of situation, to raise the price of food, to do all that, to make money off of people's misery like that. I was kidding who that's page one of capitalism, but I personally, that, that's just, that's treasonous. You should be, if anything, you should try to be keeping the prices steady. You should be or, or, or try to drop them if you can. Fucking help people out.

The fucking coming up to you with their pockets inside out, two shoes that don't even fucking match and you're going to try to get an extra fucking $2 a gallon off of them or whatever. I, I just, that, that isn't right. And a fucking right, not my America. Um, anyways, that's the podcast for this week. I felt oddly comfortable doing this with my headphones on, even though I couldn't hear myself.

You know what it is, if you put them on, I can still hear my voice in my head, which makes me feel good, soothing to me. All right. So here's the deal. Um, I got one more road gig this year. I'm going to be at the university of Southern Connecticut on November 17th. It is open to the public. So get you, and I'm just saying that I don't even know if that's true, but I

think it's true, considering people are emailing me about it, saying if I'm going to tone it down by the, for the love of God, get some goddamn adults in that crowd. All right. Um, but then I think that's it. Then all the rest of my gigs, what do I got? I got Brea. That's it.

All I got is Brea left and another fucking year has gone by. Can you believe it? All right. Well, that's the podcast for this week. As always people. Um, if you'd like to support this podcast, go to, uh, ammett, go to bill bird.com. Click on the podcast page and click on the link to amazon.com. And, uh, all you got to do is go buy something.

You don't have to do it if you want to. And then Amazon doesn't cost you any extra money. Amazon then just kicks me a little bit of money. And then I take a portion of the app and I take a portion of any ad money that I make on this and I, uh, I sent it to the wounded warriors project. So you'd be supporting me and supporting the troops. And you know what? Look what I just did there.

I just did what all these corporations are doing now where they try and align themselves with some sort of, you know, some sort of cause that there's no way you're not going to be against it. Like that whole breast cancer thing. Like you've seen the five hour energy, the little pink ones, and every time you buy a pink five hour energy liquid cocaine, we will give a portion of the proceeds to finding a cure for breast cancer. Now the key there is a portion of the proceeds.

What do you think that pro portion is? I heard with a certain credit card company, it was one penny for every charge regardless of how big it was. So if people are doing that shit, can you really get mad that they're raising gas price of gas during the fuck, during a fucking hurricane? You know what I mean? I'll tell you, it wouldn't do something like that. Ari Shafir.

Ari Shafir wouldn't. You ever go to his merch page, you see the quality that he has on that? I've been in this business long enough to know how much having all those extra colors in your t-shirt or on the cover. You see D or DVD, how much that's going to cost you. And he says, fuck that. I have an artistic vision. Ari Shafir would not raise gas prices.

And because of that, you should go, uh, go, you should go to all things comedy and you should listen to his podcast, the septic tank, the skeptic tank, septic, I'm such a fucking idiot, the skeptic tank, and I'm actually going to try to get on, uh, get on his show. Um, that's it. So that's it people. If you didn't believe me the first time I said it twice, that is fucking it. That's the podcast for this week.

Go fuck yourselves. Thank you to everybody who came out to the show here at Harrison, New Orleans. This is going to be a regular stop for me on the tour and I'm always going to be coming through during football season next year. I'm going to try to do, uh, LSU and go to a, uh, a Hornets game while I'm out here, check that one off the list. But tonight saints eagles and I'm going to laugh my ass off watching, um, these polite Southerners, uh, polite Southerners.

Who knows? You know, you always got to wonder if one of them's in the clan, but whatever. I'll outwardly polite fans dealing with dealing with these fucking eagles fans. And what's funny is I actually think the saints are going to win because every time I go to a athletic event and it's against a Philly team, even if I was for the Philly team, cause I love the flyers, their fans is so fucking obnoxious by the end of it. I'm rooting for them to lose.

Um, but they always end up winning. They've won every time I went to a Bruins fly. It's game with my mother and they was sitting right behind me. Four of them down low, total fucking assholes and the hiccups are coming back. Dude, I literally, I have a sore esophagus, a fucking sore windpipe, literally like it was doing setups. Um, can you take bear for that? All right.

What, how awful is your job? You still listen to this. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. That's it. That is it. Let me hit stop. Okay.

Fuck you.