Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-9-20

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

Bill rambles about election results, future governments, and sink holes.

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Information and information on BMW.b Today, November 8th, 2020, what's going on? How are you? How's it going? Um, how are you? How's it going? I got great news. Da-da-da.

Beep, beep, beep. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. Do-do-do. I got some tour dates coming up. I'm fucking, I'm getting back out there again. Doing some COVID safe. Which all comes down to you guys, how you behave at the shows. But I mean, we're doing our best to make sure you fucking aeronautical.

Behave the way you're supposed to. Who are you gonna be, Bill? Ah, I'm going to the great state of Texas. Um, Wednesday, December 2nd. I will be in the city that killed John F. Kennedy. Ha, ha, ha. Dallas, Texas. Um, at the AT&T performing at Santa.

Uh, in Annette Strauss Square. And on Friday, December 4th. I'll be in Austin, Texas. Home of the dirty white hippies in Texas. They make them all go there. So they don't have to look at them in respectable parts of Texas. Um, I'll be, uh, let's see. Friday, December 4th, Austin, Texas.

There you go. And, uh, on Sunday, uh, December 6th. Um, I'm going to be in Houston, Texas. At the White Oak Music Hall. Um, Houston, Texas. Home of the shiny, never seen the off road or, or, or a hard days work four door, um, pickup truck. I've never seen so many shiny fucking pickup trucks that literally look like they just came right up the showroom. I don't know.

People just like, gotta have a truck. Gotta have a truck in Texas. Gonna wear big 10 gallon hat and have a truck. Um, but personally, I love trucks. I saw one today that, um, it was basically the sister or the brother to my truck. It was a 67 or 68 F 100. And it was in that Wimbledon white that Ford had back in the day. And, um, you know, if I was an idiot, you know, and I just kept buying everything that I fucking ever want.

I would, I would get that truck too. And then I have a black one and a white one because I can't make up my mind which one I like better. I love them both. Um, that's the kind of dumb shit I would do. I would have, I would have a, uh, just, I think I'm mainly a truck guy. I think I would just have trucks and I would have some of those, uh, you know, the 1980s, the 80 to 86 front end Ford Bronco, the full size one, two tone. Um, I definitely have an F 250 high boy and I'd have one with the front end from 74. What is it? 72 to 77 or whatever that front end.

I'd have that one. I'm not into the Sanford and Sun ones. You know, I like them, but every time I look at one, somebody fucking, I don't know, they redid the inside. I just don't like it. I hate when they do that shit. They put that stupid steering wheel on those dumb fucking round brakes, not the round brakes. Those are the original ones. The whatever bill you're off to rails.

All right. So I got, I got some dates. Okay. We're to see how these things sell and then, you know, uh, maybe I'll get my ass out there to Texas, three cities, the big ones, Dallas, Houston and Austin. I know there's another big one in there. Isn't there is El Paso is where the Texas tech is. Lubbock, um, I don't know. All I know is whenever I drive from Dallas down to fucking, uh, Austin or, um, Houston or the other way around, I drive up somewhere along the way is some fucking place you got to stop at.

It's right near Waco, Texas. That has these little pastries with like meat in them that I believe some sort of Eastern European thing. They were part of the communist block. I don't know who the fuck, you know, I should look that shit up right now. The fuck is it called? Um, I'm going to look up check. Meat. Pie.

Uh, Waco. Waco. No, Waco, Texas. Let's see where that gets me. Uh, check, check stop. Many years, check stop. And I think this is it. That's it.

Yeah, that place, check stop. I'm going to be fucking head over there. You need a bunch of calories. I don't need to eat, but whatever. I don't go there a lot. I don't go there a lot. All right, let's get on with the podcast here. Let's talk what happened in this country this week.

There's only one, the biggest news story in the country. What do you got? NFL football week fucking eight or is it nine? I have no ideas. I barely watched any goddamn football today. I watched a little bit of the Raiders. The Las Vegas Raiders coming to be, coming back again against the charges.

Everybody's going to get down on the charges. They're scoring all kinds of points. They just can't seem to quite fucking hold them off. Um, at the end of the goddamn game. And, um, I don't know what it is. I don't know why. I don't know why. But, um, of anything else,

I don't know why, but, um, are they actually going to let me watch this? There's a little bit left. You fucking cocksucker. You got me. Um, there's a little bit of time left in the Steelers Cowboys game. Cowboys had the ball. Oh my God. I tell you what, the dumbest.

This is why I don't fucking gamble. You know, I try to, I was gambling earlier this year with my bookie. I don't fucking do it. And, uh, you know, I'm just the worst. So this was my big goddamn pick. My, my, my pick six of the fucking week. That's how I pick games. I was convinced the Seattle Seahawks were not only going to beat the Buffalo

Bills, I'm like, they're going to kick the shit out of them. I feel like the Bills had a record that was better than they actually were. They hadn't faced any sort of, uh, real tests. And I believed in Pete Carroll and, uh, I saw a whole thing pregame about Russell Wilson and that DK Metcalf, you know, practicing before the season, trying to get on the same page, do some Montana Jerry Rice shit. I'm like, Oh my God, this is going to be fucking unbelievable. And what ends up happening?

The Bills dropped 44 fucking points on the Seattle Seahawks and, uh, win the game. 44 34 shows you what the hell I know. But I taped that game. I taped the chief's Panthers. Another great one. And, uh, and then of course I got to watch God in a mint shoe. I taped his fucking game, whatever game that was.

Who the hell were they playing Texans, Jaguars, um, Jags, Lose by two. I'm telling you, Seahawks and the fucking Jags have scored more goddamn points and not won a fucking game. They, you know, there are a couple of pieces of white being really good. The New York football giants. Oh, absolutely. Oh, what the Washington football club, whatever they call themselves,

they, they fucking swept the season series to an L. You want to play at home? You want to play in Washington? It doesn't matter. The New York football giants own the, the Washington football team. You know, other than that, they lose every week, but they're, they're in transition. Just like everybody in the NFC East.

It's just a weird time where everybody seems to either have an injury, injury or a new quarterback or a fucking rookie quarterback or a whole new coach or whatever. Um, anyway, what else happened this week? Nothing really happened. Sort of a boring fucking week. I know. You know, when I did election night, I didn't watch it.

I didn't watch a fucking cocksucking motherfucking second of it. I didn't. I was just like, I'm just going to wait till they tell me who's going to win this fucking thing. All right. I don't want to sit here on pins and needles losing my fucking mind. Are we going to get rid of this fucking guy? Is he here?

Is this new fucking guy who kind of can speak in completed sentences? Is he going to be the new guy? What's going to fucking happen? And yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. I was like, I'm not getting into that shit. So I mean, I was also convinced I lost big money. I already owed fucking Keith Robinson money on the Super Bowl. Still haven't paid him.

I ran into him over the back in you. I should have paid him then, but I didn't. I just had been so long because I was going to pay him because I was going to see him and then the whole fucking COVID thing happened. All right. So we were talking the election. So I was like, how about double and nothing? Because he was like, he's like, he goes, Trump ain't going to win.

Stupid. I go, he's going to win. I know he's going to win. And he go, all right. I go, how about double and nothing when I owe you on the Super Bowl? I owed him 400 bucks. I couldn't have just been the suit. I think I lost two bets in a row to him, a couple of hundred each.

And then I was down 400 bucks, right? So I go double and nothing. And I go all in on Donny. You know, I go all in on Donny Trump and the fucking guy loses. And now I'm out $800, 800 bucks. And when it gets to that number, I got to send, I got to wire him the money or whatever. You know, you owe somebody 50 bucks. I'm for the bucks.

I should have paid him by now. But you know, Keith Keith, he's too nice for this fucking money collection business. I got to pay him. So anyway, out here in LA. When they finally declared Biden a winner, at least in the liberal part of Los Angeles, because in Beverly Hills, they weren't, they were riding around with Trump signs and shit. And then over in like liberal areas, the liberals were out like literally dancing in the street. And it was disappointing.

It's like, have you learned nothing? They're so fucking dumb. Everybody, everybody's just dumb now. When it comes to politics, you're acting like your team won the Super Bowl. And now you're going to fucking go online or whatever. And you're going to go shit on, you know, you know, people do that, you know, nice try. Wisconsin, you know, whatever the fuck they do. Well, it's not a city, you know, fuck you, Kansas City or some shit that you do after your team wins a game.

They're doing that. And people are forgetting that we're all in the same fucking team here. And I really don't understand what, I understand part of it. I mean, we basically, as far as I can tell, I'm not, I'm not a big politic guy. I'm not the smartest guy in the fucking room. As far as I can tell, we got rid of a racist moron to, we replaced him with the warmonger with dementia. Or the beginning of it. Something is what they're saying.

There's something going on with this guy mentally. So I don't know what everybody's so like, like people on the left. Do you remember how funny it was when you saw people on the right dancing in the street thinking that Trump was going to make it better? He's going to make it great again, like whatever the fuck that meant. And you just thought they were so fucking stupid. You guys are doing the exact same fucking thing. You're doing the same thing like your life. I mean, I, I kind of get it because Trump was really race baiting there, which was fucking horrible.

I get that aspect of it. But as far as how we're going to get out of this, this debt that we're in, I don't fucking know. So I don't hopefully, I don't know, you know, Jesus Christ, what are we going to do here? More of these two people who are now and they're just going to fucking put everybody in jail. It seems to be what they like to do. I don't know. I have no fucking idea. I just, I just would just like people to get along again and stop looking at the government like they're your parents.

And when there's a mess, you got to look at them to fucking clean it up when we have a lot of power as regular people. Don't we need to try and make your little area better? I don't fucking know. I have no fucking idea what's going to happen. But what I am settling in for right now is now the show begins because Donnie Boy, the courts are calling. He's going to fucking sue. And then just the wrath of his lame duckness is going to be, I think it's going to be to a whole other fucking level. And I am in a blue state, so I am fucking putting sandbags.

I'm putting sandbags up against the front doors of my bank because I have a feeling he's going to fucking empty them out. Yeah, it's, it's really crazy. And I don't know. And I don't even know where I stand politically. I just know that I don't like, I didn't like any of the shit that's, I was joking with the buddy of mine. It's fucking hilarious. He's one of those, you know, those people who just say they're an independent. I'm a registered independent, but then like they always argue one side or the other.

So you're like, okay, so you're a control freak. You don't like to be labeled, but it's clear. So this guy's clearly a staunch Republican, right? So he was all upset because can we, these left wing people, these liberals, it's like, I get it, you won. But you know, what the fuck? It's just like, you see the stuff that they're posting? And I was just like, well, I thought you were independent. Isn't happy you, half of you very excited about what's going on.

I just kept breaking his balls and I felt I just said to him, you know, I dream of the day. When some, well, you trust me enough as a friend to be like, Bill, I am a staunch Republican. At which point I can then say, buddy, there's nothing wrong with that. So he laughed and then continued on claiming that he was an independent. And then I just, and as he continued to flip out, because I remember when Trump got elected, I mean, I'm not going to lie to you. I was laughing my ass off watching all of those people crying. It was fucking hilarious watching adults crying. It was just funny.

And I don't know, I just thought it was fucking funny to me. I mean, I, you know, who knew what the fuck Trump was. I mean, oh, this guy's going to do, he's going to, you know what the fuck somebody's going to do. It was just funny to me. And I don't know. And then this, this time around, just watching. So I'm trying to, my mind's all over the place here. Sorry.

So I was sitting there going like, dude, I fucking kind of rubbed it into when Trump won. I enjoyed, I enjoyed that. And now I'm enjoying Biden winning and watching Trump people be upset. And I kind of realized that I think politically I am part of the contrarian party. And I hate this about myself, but happy people annoy me. Seeing those liberals dancing annoyed me. Watching the fucking, he's going to make it great again. Those fucking people celebrating that annoyed me.

I don't even think I'm into politics. I just think I'm like this crabby old man. What are you dancing for? It's fucking stupid. I will tell you a fucking low point though is when Anderson Cooper, when he said Trump is in the White House, like a fat turtle laying on his back. It's just like, what the, you're not even a journalist. You're like a fucking YouTube commenter.

Like, I don't understand people. Why do you watch CNN? Why do you watch Fox News? I think at this point, like to people that is news. I know I've been talking about this forever. I just don't understand. I really think they should get rid of, both of those channels need to be broken up. They need to break up the fucking internet or like, I don't know.

I just, the fucking, the fact that there's no libel or anything like that on the internet, and you can just present everything as fact, is really just fucking everybody up. And like, the number one thing that I heard during this election was I don't know what to believe. And I always use the analogy of the fucking egg. You know, go on the internet and I want you to definitively find information that lets me know. Is this good for me or is it bad? Because in my lifetime it has changed. Like, you know, eggs were good for you.

Then they became bad for a while. And everybody started doing the egg white omelettes. And then there was this big push coming back saying, no man, the protein's in the yolk. It's in the yolk. And then people got back into them again. And then somewhere in the middle of all that, people started drinking butter or melting it and pouring it into their fucking coffee. And then there was, and then I think they're bad again.

So, I have no fucking idea. Anyways, so, here we go. My condolences to everybody who loved Trump. Sorry you guys didn't win. Congratulations to the Biden people that your person won. I think that it's incredibly ignorant as an American right now to rub it in to right-wing people that that guy lost. I think it's incredibly childish to go after Trump and make all these stupid fucking memes.

Everybody needs to chill out and be nice. And, you know, maybe treat people with respect. And once again, it's, everybody has balls on the internet. You know, and they just, the level of just rude that they behave. You know, I got a lot of balls considering the fucking podcast I do. I mean, it would be nice if, you know, we went back to a world where you don't bring up politics and religion when you go to a party and shit like that. It would kind of be nice.

And I don't know if you could maybe extend that to your social media comments, which I know you're not going to because, I don't know, it is fun to fucking annoy people. But I will tell you that that is going to be, I don't know. I have this feeling that Trump is going to be, he's going to go Isaiah Thomas when he's got to turn the keys over. When fucking the pistons lost to the bulls, I think he might do that. I don't think he's going to. I think he's going to get advised not to do that.

But having said that, you know, you got to hand it to Trump. Unbelievable success story. The fact that that guy was brought to a roast. He was invited to a roast where he discovered that he was the raw meat. You know, there's always that person on every roast. Every roast is a person who gets invited and is excited going, wow, I can't believe those guys thought of me. And then they get in there and it's like, oh, oh shit.

I'm the giant fucking salt licking. I'm basically, there's always, there's one person who gets invited because we're all going to make fun of the same person. And the later you go in the roast, the less jokes are left. So what you do is you have, you bring in some fucking crazy person or some person that, you know, people consider crazy, I should say. And then they end up getting it a lot of times worse than the person getting roasted. So when they fucking brought in, you know, Donald Trump on that fucking presidential,

whatever the hell the thing, the one that Seth Meyers did, and they stuck him in the middle of the fucking room. And oh my God, did he get fucking lit up? And he got belittled and was made fun of. And Obama, like Obama of all the fucking, since John F. Kennedy, I haven't seen a guy deliver a punchline the way that guy, that guy's timing. I got to give it up was fucking amazing. And they made fun of Donald about his day to day versus what the actual president did.

And within like a year and a half of that, that fucking guy who you thought was a boob, ran for president and fucking won and you had to turn your keys over to him. Now, say what you want about the guy, but that is like, that's like a Hollywood ending. I mean, they treated him like Carrie at the fucking prom. He dumped the pig blood on him and the fucking guy came back. You know, I mean, I wasn't a fan of what he did when he was in there, but you know, you got to give it up, right? You got to give it up.

Most people won't, but you got to that. That was an amazing turn of events. So anyway, so now we got this guy in. So I imagine if I was living in the Middle East, I would be nervous. I don't know. You know what? You know what's so fucking nuts? How much these fucking wars cost this goddamn country?

You could literally buy everybody in this country. Okay. You could buy fucking everybody at Tesla and put solar panels on top of everybody's house or apartment building. We could totally wean down the amount of oil that we use and have to buy from the Middle East, at which point there would no longer be a focus of our fucking corporations. And then when we pull out, they can go back to politely discussing, kidding. They can go back to fucking dealing with each other, right?

And they won't have all that oil money from us to funnel through their moss over there to give to terrorist groups to fight us. Now they don't need to fight us anymore because we'll be gone. And then nobody has to die and you don't have to drop a bomb to try to get the bad guy, but you actually accidentally killed a baby and then that baby's brother grows up to want to fucking kill an American. You could do that. I know I'm oversimplifying this shit, but I don't know why we just don't do that. Because this whole going around the world and putting our foot in the back of people's neck

and trying to force them to do what the fuck we want, I don't know. It's been good for corporations, I guess. Alright, I'm getting outside my fucking pay grade here, but I like to float shit out there. Ideas that I have. And you know what else? I don't know anything about solar power or how much oil is probably needed to grease those things or some shit to put them up in a roof. I don't fucking know. None of this is research, but this is the internet. Am I the only person that if somebody writes, wash me on my car, I could literally, in that moment, if I found the person, murder them, stab them fucking repeatedly, the fucking balls of somebody to come up. That just basically happened to a friend of mine's car.

Somebody wrote something really fucking pretentious about, you know, at least they did it on the window. If you're one of those cunts that does that, when you do that on the paint, the dirt that's on there will scratch the paint. You fucking idiot. And then also writing wash me is not original, but it's just the fact that somebody put their hands on something that you own. There's something about that. I don't know what it is. I wonder if there's any videos of that. Is there any video of that? Somebody just getting slapped. Person, wash me, car, karma. Let's see what we get here. Karma car wash. Jesus, I missed it on that. All right, knocked out. Ooh, that came up. That came up.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Details. No. Please wash me car wash. No. Videos. Come on. Dancing boxer learns about karma. Oh, that's a classic one. Car wash theme song, car wash employee taken for a ride, man slash his tire, but suffers instant karma for this. That's not what I was looking for. Anyway. So, yeah, so my buddy called me up and he was all pissed watching all these liberals celebrate, which was funny to me because we were both laughing and finger pointing when Trump got in.

I thought it was fucking hilarious. It quickly wasn't, but it was funny. It reminded me of when the Red Sox finally beat the Yankees and then won the World Series and Regis Philbin of all people was Yankees fan. He goes, he's like, I get it. You won the World Series. Okay, shut up about it. He wanted us to be all classy after those fucking assholes with chanting 1918 in our face forever and got the red they they were shown it on TV and the whole fucking league was doing it. All these asshole Yankee fans. Oh, I'm happy. I'm happy for you guys. No, you're not. You just don't want to take your fucking medicine. So I found all of that shit. I find all of that shit to be to be fascinating, but I'm telling right now what I'm really rooting for somehow I'm rooting against, you know, I just want people to just stop being assholes to each other and I definitely, as you can tell, I lean left. It's weird. I was brought up Republican and then I became liberal and then somewhere I don't know where I am.

I'm sort of like all over the map, but I am conservative with a lot of shit. But when it comes to giving people a chance who don't look like me, I'm all for that. So that's where I get liberal. I have a liberal attitude towards that. I'm not saying that, you know, if you're a Republican, automatically you're a racist, but I just sort of fucking lean that way. I don't give a fuck if a dude wants to wear a dress to fucking work. It doesn't bother me. It's like, can you do the job? All right, fine. I don't give a shit. But then I'm conservative with like other stuff as far as like parenting and shit, like, you know, getting your kid a fucking phone. Like, what are they running a business?

And I am also conservative when I look at the internet, the fact that, you know, the fact that the second a little kid gets a phone, they can watch a beheading video or some fucked up porn. It's just, like, the fact that there's nothing to stop that is just fucking mind boggling to me. Out of all the shit, you know, people get fucking upset about or whatever. You know, I watch Chappelle on SNL. I'm sure he's getting some shit. It just seems like people get outraged by that, but for some reason it's okay, you know, for kids to see that. And there's the level of psychological damage that that's, that's when I get like conservative. That's when I, that's when I fucking tuck my shirt in and I pull my pants up.

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Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. All right. Plowing ahead here. All right. What do we got here? I got some, I got some reads here. Oh, I got a bunch of stuff.

I got reads. I got top five, you know, your top five dumb questions. If you work with the public that people have asked you, then I always throw myself right on the fucking, I jump right on the grenade. There's always, I always mention this. I went to Joshua Tree and I asked the park ranger, where is the Joshua Tree? Which for those of you on the East Coast, like where I'm from, that's like being in New Hampshire and asking somebody, where is the Elm Tree?

All right. Other fans from Egypt. Oh, shit. I might have to do comedy Cairo coming up. Hey, Billy, you bald-headed cunt. I love it. I love that there's somebody in Egypt that has a sense of humor like that. God bless you.

I'm a 26-year-old guy from Egypt. I heard on your latest, your last episode about the Egyptian architect that listened to 12 years of Monday morning podcast in six months. I also graduated as an architect and your podcast was like my friend during my sleepless studying days. Who would have thought my dumbass podcast is helping architects over in Egypt? And I listened to you. Hey, I got a dumb question for you.

I got a touristy question for you as far as the pyramids go. So when you're an architect, you must study the pyramids. Is part of any of your training, do you have to design a pyramid or is that just the dumbest? Is that like you saying, hey, you're an American and you're an architect school. Do you have to design a fucking, I don't know what, a goddamn, I don't know, McDonald's sign or some shit. I'm trying to think of something. What is touristy?

Do you have to design a Statue of Liberty? No, France did that. I don't fucking know. And I listened to you now as I work as an interior designer. I just want to thank you for the laughs. No worry. He goes, I just want to teach you some Egyptian cuss words you can use. I hope I say this right.

Kosomak, C-O-S-S-O-M-A-K. Kosomak. That means your mother's cunt. Eben Shamorta. Your mother is a whore or a slut. That's weird because Kosomak and Eben Shamorta, there's no, but they both have mother in it. I don't see any similarity there. It seems like a difficult language.

I don't know how to pronounce it. That's that's one. Eben Shamorta. E-B-N-S-H-A-R-M-O-T-A. All right, that's good to know. I don't know which one of those I would use if I went over there. All right, your mother's a cunt. I would say that if they drop me off too far away.

That's the tough one though. Does that let go fuck yourself over there? I have no idea. I'm just psyched people from Egypt are listening. Anwar Sadat, one of my favorite world leaders when I was a kid. I saw him give a speech outside the White House during the Reagan years. All right, your stance on violence. Dear Billy Bill, people in the comments section sometimes speak for you.

According to them, you're both an alt-right misogynist as well as a liberal douche. That warms my heart. I love that. People in LA think I voted for Trump. People in fucking a red state think, you know, I'm a Biden guy or whatever. This isn't new at all. I've seen people fuck up categorizing you for a while. Yeah, I'm part of the contrarian party.

One argument that was interesting was whether or not you condoned violence against Trump supporters. I don't condone violence against anybody. I voted for Joey No Pulse. You know, we'll say this about fucking Joe Biden. He's already getting some great nickname. Forgetful Freddy. That was mine. Joey No Pulse.

Bloodless Magoo. I mean, the guy's, he's like, I don't know. All right, let's just this is powerhead here. I voted for Joey No Pulse, but I'm also not going to sucker punch my uncle for voting for Trump. Do you agree with this nonviolent stance for the commenters at home? Thanks and go fuck yourself. I'm only getting half the story here and all of a sudden you're getting, do I agree? Do you, I don't condone attacking people for their political beliefs.

I don't condone bringing politics up when people are just at a party trying to have a good time. Although I am guilty of doing that. And it's always something I literally just overheard and didn't research. But you know, that is the internet. The internet is you can just say whatever you want and say people go on and, you know, they do reviews of my act and they say what I meant by jokes. They say why my jokes work. And I look at them and they're hilarious because none of it is right. None of it makes any fucking sense.

And they're not comedians and they're just speaking. The reason why this joke works is because of X, Y and Z. What are you saying with this joke? It's just like, you know, you could just fucking ask me. I could give you definitively. Why do I need to ask him? I have all the answers. All right, future government.

Oh boy, oh boy, this is going to get deep here. Future government. Which by the way, it actually rained out here. I was excited about that. Rained out here. It's getting cold for LA anyway. And that's a great thing. You know, I think we got by the fire month, I believe, I don't know,

but I thought the Santa Ana winds were still coming, but maybe a little bit of rain will help people out. I don't know. We shall see. All right, but God bless anybody out there who's actually starting a company that's going to try to battle global warming as opposed to ignoring it. Hey, you guys, send me in some companies that are into that shit. If you guys have any, and I won't research it and then I'll just read it as fact.

Does that sound cool? All right, future government, everybody. Dear Billy Doomsday, have you been following along with this build back better thing? No. Do I want to? It's a phrase that started showing up on the platforms of candidates around the world. A few basic Google searches and you can find where the money comes from. It's basically a collection of huge tech companies coming together with government agencies to transform society.

All right, into something better. I don't remember voting for this, nor have I seen much about this on the news. Well, they never let you vote for any of this shit. I'll probably help pay for it through, though, like the rest of us suckers. They don't seem to be releasing much information, just vague initiatives about how to spend money to make things better. You think they'll be taking suggestions from average Joe's like us on this better future? Does a guy who hates street level computing worry about stuff like this? Thanks and keep plowing ahead.

I know where I fit into shit and I am not the guy that's going to solve problems. So there's just people that are a level of smart that I don't think an average person like myself can understand. And it's up to them to use the, my gift is I tell shit jokes. That is my gift. I come to town. I do my jokes. I jump up and down and make an ass of myself and you guys laugh and hopefully forget about your problems for an hour, right? That's my job.

That's what I'm good at. There's super smart people that actually can probably help solve a lot of the problems that we have. And so I'm hoping that that is going to be that they've put that together. I just, I mean, that is an unholy matrimony right there. Huge tech companies which seem to own a lot of the social media. I just feel, I don't know. I don't know. That seems like cameras.

I'm sure they're going to sell it like this will. I will say if there is a, if there's a way to start, start, stop certain kinds of crimes and they just use it for that. But you know, they'll go beyond that. You know, if there's a way to stop like kidnappings and rapes and murders and people getting, you know, hurt and stuff like that. If they can use technology for that and the environment, I'm all for that. But I don't know. I would definitely be nervous about where they're going with that. But I don't know.

If you want to have more freedom, make less people. You know, it's when you seven billion, we're going to go for eight billion. They're just going to put us in stockades at some point. I mean, how are you going to keep all those people? You know, back in the day when there was just a couple million people, you just fucking walk around. You didn't need an ID. You could do whatever the fuck you wanted to do. All right.

Sinkhole. That almost made sense what I just said. All right. Sinkhole. Hey Bill, did you hear about this guy? He was in the pit filled with rats after sinkhole opens on New York City sidewalk. Oh my God. Did you ever worry about them when you were living in New York?

You know what? I don't, I don't walk on those subway grades and I don't drive over. You know, when they're putting up a big building and they have those, you know, so they got to put, you know, the sewage. Everyone's going to take a shit in that building. Where's it going to go? We got it. We got to put it where the dolphins are. So they always, you know, they got to do some work under the streets.

You know, when they're in the process of building that stuff, connecting it up to the sewer line or whatever, they'll have a hole and then they'll have that giant metal grate that they put. I won't drive my car over that if I can avoid it. And if I, if I can't, then, you know, I do what I can't. Oh my God. That hole is so small. What in the fuck? One man will have nightmare fuel to last him a lifetime after New York City sidewalk opened up beneath his feet, plunging him into an underground vault filled with rats. Dirty, furry, scrabbling, hungry rats.

Oh my God. That's like some Indiana Jones shit. Wait a second. You guys want to hear this? This is way more interesting than I'll ever be. Hold on a second. Let's get back to the beginning of this video. Oh, forget it.

I thought they were talking to the guy. He was in stable condition. The horrifying incident happened on Saturday, October 24th near a bus stop in the Bronx. Surveillance video shows Leonard 33 was waiting at the stop when a sinkhole opened beneath him, dropping him 3.7 meters to four points. Okay, that's 12 to 15 feet down into a rat's lair. It's like he didn't break his legs on that fall. In other news, two murder hornet queens captured in Washington State Sting. What in the fuck?

That's really clever writing there. He went down feet first. His mother Cindy White told NBC he was just standing and the sidewalk just, it was like a suction, like a sinkhole. He went down. Shoulders face scraped the concrete as he fell and he hurt his leg and arm on the way down, his brother told CBS New York. But that wasn't the worst of it. Shoulders found himself alone in the dark with the teeming horde of vermin unable to escape a call for help. He ultimately spent 30 minutes in the chamber with the rats.

Rats crawling on him. He can't move. He just, it was so bad, his brother said. He didn't want to yell because he was afraid they were going to be rats inside of his mouth. Oh my God. Bystanders called for help but it took some time for the firefighters to pull shoulders. Oh, he didn't scrape his shoulder. Shoulders is his name.

I don't think he was saying he scraped his shoulders. His name is Shoulders. Shoulders face scraped the concrete. I guess Shoulders, Shoulders were okay. One witness said he looked in the hole and the guy was only moving his hands. Video, which I will not watch, shows shoulders being carted away on a stretcher after the ordeal. He was taken to a hospital for treatment and was still there on Thursday. He's traumatized, his mother said.

He said he went straight down and he was falling, falling. But the debris was falling and hitting him on the head. Shoulders told his mom the rats were so big and ridiculous underground. She added that anyone could have fallen where her son fell. The family is considering legal action in the wake of the incident. What were you going to sue? The rats that ate out all the shit below it? New York's Department of Building says the underground chamber is a cellar next to the mostly empty five-story building. Officials ordered the building to be vacated after the incident and they are looking into the cellar to see who owns it.

The building owner was also, ah, there's the guy who's going to get it. The building owner was ordered to set up a fence around the hole and hired an engineer to inspect the stability of the vault underneath. The incident sparks fears among many citizens of New York where the city has long struggled to control its massive underground rat population. The city's rats started eating each other last spring as human litter dried up due to the coronavirus lockdown. Well, there you go. Orkin recently dubbed New York City the third most rat-infested city in America. Oh, no. After first place Chicago, my kind of town. Of course they are. You know they're eating good in Chicago. Fucking best steaks in the world.

And second place Los Angeles. Jesus Christ. I moved away from Massachusetts to the two most rat-infested, the first and third most rat-infested cities in America. That's what I did. Holy shit. Oh my God. Oh my God. I mean, what kind of shots do you give that guy? I'll tell you, if he survives that, the way his immune system is going to be, he could fucking, that guy could cure Corona. Just walk up, grab it by its throat and fucking stuff it back up a bat's ass, whatever you got to do to get rid of it. All right. Plowing ahead here. All right. Top five dumb questions for employees. All right. This is the, oh my God, this is like blowing up here.

We got medicine. We got a nurse. We got a park ranger. And we got a funeral director. Oh boy. Dear Bill, the out-of-touch mob boss burr. Oh, thank you for watching. That was a sketch I did on SNL, which I still can't believe I got to do. By the way, did you see that first sketch last night? Dave did. About Aunt Shemima, Uncle Ben, the state farm guy. And I'm not going to say who came in last. It's fucking great. It was hilarious. And I definitely seemed like it had Dave's fingerprints all over it. I loved it. All right, dear. Okay. Thank you for all that you do with the podcast. It's absolutely hilarious.

Thank you and help me get to 48 hours of straight driving this year when driving across the country from Pennsylvania to Arizona and then back again. The advice you have given others has also helped me in my own personal life. So thank you. I recently listened to your segment about the lawyer and the top five dumbest questions he was ever asked. I thought it was awesome. And I thought you should have some, hear some of my stories and questions I have experienced working in the funeral industry in the last eight years. The top, here we go, ladies and gentlemen, the top dumbest questions have been. Number one, have you ever considered having sex with a dead person? Definitely not, considering most of them look like your grandmother. I get this question a lot. Maybe it is a fair question, but I think 99% of most people already know the answer to this question and it's completely absurd.

And also, if you were, you wouldn't fucking answer the question. Oh my God. Jesus, I just visualized that. Fuck. All right. You know what I was thinking of was, was that, that fucking movie Jacob's ladder when that thing in the tub or was that from the shining? Oh my God. Jesus Christ. All right. We loved our son. Can we bury him in our backyard so we can always be close to him? All right. That's a dumb question, but it's also a loving question.

The back of the day, you could do that. We actually buried this guy in his backyard, like some frontier trail of tears, bullshit. I did not even know this was legal until I was asked this and had to find out about it. I guess you can in that state. Not only did we bury him, but they did not like the vault. We had ordered him and made us come back the next day and take him out of the hole to put in a sealed vault so he would not get wet. Oh my God. These are crazy. All right. Brace yourself for this one. Number three, can you cut off my wife's favorite tattoo on her left leg and can I keep it?

Sorry, Jeffrey Dahmer. We can't do that for you. I know this is my grandmother's funeral, but can, but can I have your number? Hey, look at you get a little action there. This one was rather recent. I am single and somewhat attractive male. Well, you got to be dude. If you're getting her fucking all her motor running in there, dude, but I can tell you right now that chick is a psycho or has a big heart and doesn't judge people. I don't know, but I think I covered all the bases there.

That's like that jerk off that fucking plays roulette and hits all the numbers and then jumps up and down like he won. This one was rather recent. I'm a single and somewhat attractive male, but I am very professional would never pick up women at work or at a funeral. Literally, this was a live episode of funeral crashers. If it was a show, my condolences to your dead grandmother and family that you clearly don't give a fuck about, but I give her my number, but I did give her my number needless to say. Oops. Yeah, the fuck. She's probably some freak that wants to fucking a coffin.

Watch, that'll be the third date. This one was a comment I received from a holy man from a Southwest Asian culture. A holy man of his religion came up to me and said, I only have one prayer to say during today's service. I said, okay, oh, okay, great, not a problem. Yes, it's three hours long. I was stunned and stared at him in silence, only to find out he was serious. I have tons of other stories I would love to tell you if you find what I wrote interesting.

I absolutely did. And I am sure myself as well as other funeral professionals have tons of craziness that they can write in and tell you about. Every troll in the public wants to be a funeral director and do my job until we are called out at three in the morning to remove a decomposed body in a shit hole house. I don't think everybody wants to be a funeral director. I hope you and your family stay healthy and safe. That's so creepy to hear that. Yeah, I don't want to see you, buddy, during this. Yeah, let me hear from the funeral directors.

I want to hear some more stories of fucking weirdos in the funeral home. I've been loving the top five stupid questions segment recently, and I figured I should chime in since I am a fellow Mass Hall turned National Park Ranger. And as you may already know, we have heard it all. So you can imagine the types of people we come across with over six million visitors a year from all parts of the globe. This is by no means a definitive top five, but these are perhaps the most commonly heard idiotic questions here without further ado. All right, here we go. Number one, at least once a week after driving all the way out here, we're kind of out of the way, passing many signs to the quote Grand Canyon. Someone will pull over, pull up to the entrance and ask, what's in here?

Or hold up a picture of the canyon on their phone and say, we're trying to find this. I have to bite my tongue not to ask them how the flying fuck they got all the way out here from God knows where without the confidence of knowing where exactly they were. Number two, what time do you feed the bison? Or when did the bison come out? I love that like they got a fucking two bedroom apartment. The North Rim has bison as if we're running a petting zoo instead of a national park. Number three, people looking for the road that goes into the canyon so they can drive their car to the bottom and see the Colorado River. Don't you think you'd see a picture or two of the road existed, sir?

Number four, do I really have to pay to come in? This is, this one is constant as people think. Insert Burr Southern accent here. Okay, I'll do my bed Southern accent. This here is my land. I pay taxes and I shouldn't have to pay no fucking fee to see public land. There are many issues with this sentiment and explaining them would only further anger these animals or people that come up and say they don't have money to pay and expect to be let in.

As if you could sit down at a restaurant or any other business and use this as an excuse to enjoy their services for free. Oh, if you got your money, no worries. We anticipated you might do this. Follow me to your table and I'll have the chef bring you out some appetizers. All right, dude, you're fucking funny, man. You should give these, well, don't give them shit, you'll lose your job. You did the right thing. Save your funny of sides and send them into me.

All right, number five, if I hike to the bottom and can't hike out, you'll come and get me, right? People expect some sort of free helicopter ride or service out of the canyon if they decide to be stupid and hike themselves all the way to the river. The sad part is if that happened, they actually get it on the park's dime. Well, we don't need to know that. Except on the park's dime. Hopefully that means the taxpayers dime, right? I hope these were mildly entertaining and I'd like to mention so I don't get fired that these views are my own and in no way represent the views or opinions of the park service. I love everything you do and send my best to the lovely Nia and the little birds.

Come out to the canyon for a private tour anytime. Peace, love and go fuck yourself. I haven't been to the Grand Canyon in forever. I went there in like 94. All right, but I've flown over at a zillion fucking times. So I feel that's, I would hike down to the bottom though. And the way out, I could do that. Oh, Jesus, Bill.

All right, I can already hear the helicopter. All right, nurse. Hey, Billy, ginger season tits. Ginger season tits. It's just in time for October, November. I'm a 27 year old RN from Minnesota registered nurse from Minnesota who works for the last five years at, I'm not going to say where, where a majority of what we do is colonoscopies. Here are probably the top five questions I have had from some of these fucking these fucked up patients. Number one, is it bad?

Oh my God, I had to read this before I said it. Number one, is it bad that I've been cutting up dove soap bars into small pieces and putting them in my butthole to keep the worms away? Number two, if I put my finger in my butthole and circle it around during showers, does it help prevent hemorrhoids? What in the fuck people just say this should number three? Did you think my uterus looks sexy today? We didn't check that or close to that lol. Number four, does the butthole connect with my psyche? What does that even mean?

Number five, did you see my butthole? Did you see my butthole? Just a medley of what comes to mind but I'm sure you can figure it's quite a variety pack of people rolling into this butthole clinic. Love you the family and your sense of humor and your sense of humor is not like anything else by a long ass shot. Take care, nurse so and so, a religious listening lady. What in the fuck? Did you see my butthole? Wow, I didn't think anybody could top where is the Joshua tree but they seem to be doing it quite easily here.

Alright, blown ahead. Medicine, hey Billy bleached butthole, a lot of butthole shit this week. I work in medicine and thus have encountered some very uninformed individuals as everyone needs medical care, idiots included. Now, I don't look down on these individuals as they lack medical knowledge, parentheses normal and importantly are anxious about their well-being in these situations. The setting, sorry, top five questions says statements I've encountered in medicine. Alright, number five, young male adult who comes in complaining of large amounts of bright red blood in their bowel movements. That's scary. I do a physical exam and I cannot find an obvious reason for this complaint.

I ordered some tests to find out the cause and if it's actually blood in his poops. Guy is anxious and asked, it's normal to have some blood in your poop, right? Bear in mind this gentleman said his toilet bowl was covered in red. I had to keep a straight face and tell him, no, it's not normal to poop blood. Well, that one's just scary. And he just wants you to say it's okay because so he doesn't feel like his insides have fallen out. Number four, obese family doesn't know she is pregnant. Comes into ER because her stomach is acting up.

I see in an ultrasound in blood work that she is pregnant quite far along too, but she refuses to believe us. How do you know I'm pregnant? I can see the baby on the ultrasound man. Wow. Don't you just want to rescue that baby the second it comes out of that person? Oh my God. Number three, okay, public service announcement. Guys, if you're at the doctor's office for dick issues, just say that from the get go.

Don't come in and say, don't come in and at the end say, oh, one more thing, my dick also gets some damn priorities. If you got the health of a laboratory rat that has been purposely fed fat its entire life and your main concern is your dick, I got an issue with that. So this guy asked if the Viagra prescribed him for his erectile dysfunction would also help with his short dick. He whispers this last bit. I told him, no, it will not add an extra inch or two. And would only help him maintain an erection. Poor bastard. Number two, guy wants a prescription for ketamine.

This is a powerful anesthetic explains that it is my moral imperative to do to do this and that I will be leaving him no choice but to manufacture ketamine himself. He tells me the steps to make the drug and that he has read the Wikipedia page. I wish him good luck in his venture to manufacture the drug. All right. All right, opioid overdose. That's that comes in via friend ambulance. So somebody drives him there. Pretty much blue starts CPR on him and give him Narcan wakes up and stabilizes five to 10 minutes after being conscious.

That's for some morphine. Nah, dude, you were dead like 10 minutes ago because of that. Wow, that fucking opioid shit. My God. Thank Christ. I never fucked with any of that. All right. Well, that's the podcast.

So if you knew the podcast, that's one of the things that we do on here. Top five. If you work with the public top five dumb questions people have asked you. If you live in the Texas area and you'd like to see me, I got some shows coming up. I'm in Dallas on December 2. On the 4th. And I am in Houston, Texas on December 6. I just realized how big the state is.

But if you're in New Orleans, you can drive over to Houston, maybe, right? Or if you're in Oklahoma, you can drive down over the Red River into Dallas. All of those dates will be up on billbird.com and shout out rest in peace. Alex Trebek, one of the greatest all time game show hosts of all time. Me and my wife have absolutely loved watching Jeopardy! over the years. We totally got into it when she was pregnant with my lovely daughter. And we've been watching that in the Wheel of Fortune back to back. And Alex Trebek, you know, patch say Jack all those guys.

They're institutions after a while when you're on that long. So, yeah, rest in peace to him. All right. Big shoes. Big shoes to fill right there. Okay. That's it, everybody. Have a wonderful couple of days and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Go Pat's Monday night. Oh, geez. The two teams in the bottom of the fucking AFC East. The Patriots first to Jets on, geez.