Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-23-19

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

Bill rambles about passing his test, track racing, and Christmas movies.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, December 23, 2019. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going with you guys? How are you feeling? How was your weekend? How have you been since Thursday? Oh, I've been fucking great. I passed my test. Does that mean you have an instrument that you've never carried? No, it doesn't. It's the first, it's the beginning. You gotta pass the test and then you sit down before your check ride and they give you basically a question and answer thing. The oral exam and then you have to go out and go fly via your instruments only. But I guess the hardest part is passing this thing. So Jesus, and what a fucking test. Holy Toledo! I went over to go take the friggin' test. I woke up that morning and I was in the best mood. I was like, God, thank God.

I'm finally taking this test. I've been studying for four months. September, October, November, December. Four months and I was just like, I haven't played drums in like three weeks. I haven't been watching football. I just cut everything out of my life other than my wife and kid. You know, did less stand up. I was like, I have to fucking pass this thing. So my teacher was like, I call him up. I said, dude, I'm ready. I can finally, I can figure out the HSI's. I can do, I can figure out the teardrop parallel direct. I can, I understand the RMI. I know all the weather. I know all the fucking regulations. I can read the stupid low altitude fucking charts and all of this shit. So he goes, fine, well, let's take it to Thursday or Friday. And I was like, what?

So he goes, yeah. So I'm like, all right, fine. So the day of the test, Friday, I wake up and I'm just in the best mood. And I'm like, I'm going to fucking pass this thing. And I'm not like, you know, cramming or whatever. Like Thursday, I'm not going to lie to you. Thursday, I sat down at one o'clock and studied until 10 other than, you know, making my wife and kids some dinner or whatever and putting my daughter to bed. I was just doing that. And it was weird. There was one part of the HSI where I completely 100% understood it. And then there was this other section where I didn't understand it. I just didn't get it. There was some about the, that one involved the two from flag or something for whatever reason. The first chunk didn't, didn't even have a two from flag. I don't know that this means anything to you, but I know there's a few pilots listening.

So anyway, that part I don't know, but I just looked at the questions enough times that if they fucking asked me something, I think I could fake my way through it. Oh, whatever. I was like, maybe this will be two, two questions. So there's like, on the book, there's like a thousand fucking questions, let's say, and out of those thousands, they take fucking 60. All right. And you have to get at least 70%. So seven times six is, you know, you get a 42 right out of 60. So that may have like, oh, shit, that's a lot that I can get wrong. Three wrong out of every 10 and get 18 wrong. So I was trying to psych myself up. So the next morning I wake up, I'm just in the best mood.

And I was saying to my wife, I'm gonna fucking pass this thing. It's going to be over. Then I'm going to go to Vegas. This will all be off my fucking head. I can go smoke a cigar and just fucking relax. Look, be a lady tonight. Oh, fucking frescoes is all right. He passed the test. And now he's telling some goddamn dick jokes. Lock be a freckles tonight, right? Lock be a freckles tonight. So I go over to my teacher's house. He gives the stamp of approval. And he goes, all right, and I go, and he goes, you know, just to let you know, he goes, if you mess this up, you can go right back and take it and you only have to kind of answer the ones that you fucked up.

But you only have like five days because the end of the year, the whole thing changes and you got to take it over again. So I'm like, all right, that's pretty forgiving. And then he goes up to call up and every place was filled up because there was a bunch of jackasses like me trying to get in there, take the fucking test before the whole thing changes and you got to get a new book and then go through all of that fucking crap all over again. So we ended up calling this other, you know, the last fucking place they had a spot and it was like 1130. He goes, yeah, we're open from 12 to two. That's all we got left. And the test is like an hour and 50 minutes long. So I fucking race over there. And, you know, I get there a few minutes early right before 12 and I'm fucking looking at my, you know, now I'm looking at the book or whatever.

I'm going, well, I got this dude. I fucking got this. And then I go in there. I got my little e6b and all the bullshit. He goes, all right, sign in. Everything's good. You know, this is you. Yes, it is. Ba-ba-ba, all this government legal shit. And I go upstairs, you go into this little fucking room. There's a little computer and you just sit there and there's a camera on you making sure that you don't fucking cheat or anything. And now I'm getting fucking nervous. I'm sitting there going like, ah, fuck, what if I blow this, whatever.

So I sit down, the guy shows me how to do it and he like clicks on a couple of example questions. And the first two he clicked on is like, I know both of those and I know the answers and I can answer those in about fucking eight seconds. However long it takes me to move that fucking mouse, right? And he leaves the room. So I sit down and I go to reach for the mouse and my hand was like shaking a little bit. Like right before, right before I get ready to like, you know, back in the day if I was going to do, you know, stand up on a talk show, you know. I always get like the fucking that nervous thing where I was just like, ah, it's a weird kind of like you're excited. Like I'm going to fucking do this. I know it's going to go well and that this, but I always had that thing right before I went like, let's just fucking go.

You know, like what is, what's his face and state of grace? Let's go. It's always been my thing. I've never been nervous while it's going on, but waiting to go. It's like, let's fucking go. You go out there. You're going to wave to the host. All right, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let me get out there and see what it's going to be. So anyway, so I first two questions, bam, bam. Right. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to fuck it. And then the third question, I'm like, what in the fuck is this?

I have no, I don't know. So I skipped that one. Then another couple go, all right, then what the fuck is this next question? What the fuck is that? All right. And then there was just too many of those. And I was like, holy fuck, am I going to fuck this? Why the fuck did I tell him my podcast listeners? I was going to take this.

That's not going to tell him that I fuck. Oh, Billy, failed freckle face. I'm going to have to fucking tell him that come Monday. So what I did was I was like, all right, dude, you need to get your shit together. All right. If you don't understand thing, something, just skip it, go on to the next one. Let's get some fucking hits here. So we're feeling fucking good. So I went through the whole fucking test.

And in the end, I had like, I had like nine or 10 that I didn't answer. And I just slowly worked my way back through those things. And, you know, there was a thing, a couple of things on the internet where I watched, especially with the HSI, I looked at these videos and they were just like, listen, do you want to understand these? He just want to memorize them because a lot of the questions, you know, in the book are like almost verbatim on the test, which you're thinking, all right, well, that's fucking pretty easy.

But it's like, no, dude, there's like, but there's so much fucking information and so many fucking questions. It's only a little bit of an advantage. So anyway, because people put videos like that up there, these people who give the test got wise to that. So not only did, do they switch up the questions from what's in the book, they then take right answers from other questions and stick them in there as a possible answer. Because a few of them I would click on and see this answer.

Like, I know that's, that's a right answer from, and then I'd read the question going, that's not the question or is it? Because at that point, you know, your fucking head spinning. And I was like, oh my God, right. So anyway, when they told me an hour and 50 minutes, I'm like, I'm going to be through this fucking thing in about 20 minutes. Who the fuck needs an hour and 50 minutes? So an hour and 10 minutes later, fucking taking this thing, I finally finish it.

And a lot of times I sat there and I read a question and I went, oh, you fucking cunts. Really? This fucking shit wasn't in the fucking book. Fucking whispered. And then I'm like, okay, dude, you got a camera on you right now. Let's not flip out too much. Maybe some other technicality that can fucking try to get rid of you, you know, funky on. So I finished the fucking test.

And then you bring the mouse down. It's going to tell you immediately if you passed or fail. And it said finish. And I said, I'm not going back through 60 fucking questions and doing this to myself. Fuck this. I didn't know what I don't. And I clicked on it and it said, you know, are you sure you're finished? I click on again.

And it's like, are you sure you're sure that you're finished? And I click on it again. All right. And then the screen goes blank and I'm sitting there fucking heartbeat. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And then the screen pops up and it goes, would you like to take a survey? And I'm like, oh my God, what if I say no? Well, they flunk me.

So I'm like, yes, I'd love to take a survey. How was the staff? Were they professional? How did you feel the test? I'm like, great, great, awesome. You guys are perfect. And then I hit done. And the screen goes blank.

And I'm like, oh Jesus Christ, oh Jesus Christ. My teacher's going to be so disappointed in me. Oh my God, all my listeners are going to think I'm a fucking moron. And then it fucking came up 82% passed. I would have liked to have done better. And then it was like, you know, when I hit, when I saw that I passed, I wasn't even relieved. I didn't even go like, whoa, or anything like that. I was so fucking fried.

You know, from the last like 10 days where I was studying like almost eight hours a day or whatever. And just taking the fucking test. It was like, do you want to look at the ones you got wrong? And I was like, yes. And I clicked on that and I just reviewed them. And I got like through four of them and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? I passed. Fuck this shit.

I went to go to Vegas. So I went downstairs and the guy came up, you know, got me out of the thing. And then I went downstairs and he goes, this is the piece of paper. Now that you have this piece of paper, though, you can't get another copy of this. If you lose this, you need to present this, you know, to the guy in your check ride to prove that you passed the test. If you lose this, you can't get another one. And, you know, you're going to have to take the test all over again. So that fucking thing I've been looking at like 58 fucking times.

And it wasn't until I drove out of the place, I drove out of the place that all of a sudden it just fucking hit me. And I just drove away like, yeah, baby, you know, put on some freedom rock, man, drove out of there. Absolutely fucking elated. And then I text a couple of guys that taught me how to fly a helicopter way back in the day four or five years ago. And they both flipped out and were super excited for me. And they go, dude, that's fucking huge. That's a major accomplishment. And they were both like, if I sat down and had to take that test right now, I don't think I could pass it.

Because there's a bunch of shit in there that I guess you never fucking use again. But they make you know all of this stuff. It's just trying to weed out jerk offs that aren't taking it seriously or fucking morons or whatever. But then again, I passed it. So how good is the weed out process? So anyway, Old Freckles is a third of the way there. So I have a pretty, now once you pass the test, you then have two years to take your check ride or else you'll have to take the test all over again. So I have a really busy January and I'm going to fly a little bit then.

But then starting in February, I'm just going to go hardcore with this fucking thing and fly like three times a fucking week, get this shit down while everything's fresh in my head. And then I'm going to fucking pass this goddamn thing. But I was very excited because there's a number of pilots that I know that are just fucking amazing. And they were really going like that's like, it's so great that you're getting this thing. It's a hard thing to explain if you don't fly or whatever. But it's just like, I remember one time, one of the guys that I flew with, I was talking about my knowledge of helicopters and he laughed and he goes, congratulations, you know the bare minimum to be up here. Because I had a private pilot's license. It's just like, you know, I don't want to be the guy that knows the fucking bare minimum.

So there's like safety courses that you can take for Robinsons. They have them down and the fuck is it done. I don't know my head's still spitting from the thing. Frank next to Long Beach, whatever the fuck that airport is, they got him right down there. I want to do that and that but I wanted to get my fucking instrument and it was basically when I was in New York. Unfortunately, this guy got involved in some weather in a helicopter and crashed basically right across from where I was staying and I was in the apartment when it happened. It was weird. I was walking out the door.

I think right as the guy hit it and I didn't even hear it. I was on a lower floor that was on like the, you know, seventh or eighth floor and this happened at the top of a building right diagonally across which I believe is the same building that Caroline's is in. And I was staying, you know, when I was doing Pete Davidson's movie and I don't know. Like I just was reading about that story and like, you know, there was this weather coming in and you know, I don't know what the fuck happened, but I know it was like instrument IFR flight type weather and like that shit has always like haunted me in the back of my head. Like, like this time of year out here in LA, like last night I was looking up in the clouds. I mean, yeah, I don't know what they were. I don't look like fucking 20,000 feet up in the air, 30,000 feet, probably even higher. I don't know.

I'm not going to judge in that. I don't fly anywhere near that level. Right. And like an hour later, I came out. I was taking my daughter to the grocery store and I looked up and it was just like they were at like 4000 feet. This whole layer of clouds and the entire city was just covering in clouds. And I, you know, that's one of those things you think like, what if, what if you were flying around at 5000 feet, you know, north of here and then all of a sudden you came back and where you were going to land, everything's covered or whatever. It's fucking scary.

So anyway, now, having said that I fly in LA and like 99% of the times it's just fucking. You're the only thing you're dealing with this fucking haze or whatever. So I know, I know I talked a lot about this shit, but it was a fucking psyched. You know, I'm an old guy to still be out there fucking taking tests and shit like that. Tolerious. And I'm really glad that I took up this fucking hobby because had I not the last test I ever took would have been in the early 90s when I was in college. And then they just walk around like, I know the stuff that I know. And that's it for the next fucking God willing 60 years of my fucking life.

I'm just going to walk around and the last thing I learned would be in like the early 90s. And then all of a sudden you get on Twitter in the 2030s and you say something that was fine in the early 90s and then you get in trouble. That's how it goes down, man. So yeah, I took my daughter, a beautiful, lovely daughter who just keeps getting more gorgeous every single day. She's such a frick, frickin cutie pie. And but it's something I noticed about myself was that I've been really scared to take her places. I just get, I can't even fucking tell you. I mean, unless you're a parent, you know, just the scenarios that run through your fucking head the entire time.

You know what I mean? I put her in the car seat and I'm just like, make sure that things like all the way up, you know, not across her belly. It goes across the seatbelt. Make sure that's up by her chest. Make sure this is all tight. You know, hands 10 and two driving down the frigging street. Then you get to the grocery store parking lot. You're getting her out of the car.

You're like the emergency brake on. What if some lunatic comes running over and tries to grab her? You know, I got my keys. I'll fucking stick in his fucking jugular. Then, you know, I'm walking through the parking lot head on a swivel looking for, you know, somebody's some idiot to come back and out. Somebody to drive too fucking fast. And I just ended up getting freaked out and I just pick her up and I just walk briskly over to the grocery cart area. And then I'm inside and I feel more comfortable again.

I'm telling you the first time I ever took my kid outside when she was maybe like six weeks old. And I was over the fact that she was immediately going to get catch some sort of fucking disease if she went outside and breathe the LA air. Like there wasn't LA air in my house. The second I walked out of my back porch, my first thought was what if a bird of prey came swooping down and tried to rip her out of my arms. And I had played out this whole scenario in my head where I threw her down, threw her, believe it or not, because it's a bird of prey. It was coming in quick. It was a perfect shot, sort of like a finger roll, like Georgie Iceman girving, right? And she landed right on the pillows on the couch and then I turn around and I fucking grabbed the bird by both legs,

twisted one of his legs off like when an alligator grabs you by the arm and just does that death roll, right? Twisted it off and then turned it around and stabbed the thing to death with its own fucking talents. And that all went through my fucking head in, like, 0.5 seconds as I'm with my kid going like, Georgie, look at that, that's a tree, yeah, that's a tree. And in my head, I'm thinking of stabbing an eagle to death with its own foot. And I like to think I'm a patriotic guy and that bird is the symbol of our own country. And there I was stabbing it to an endangered species to death to save another human being, even though I repeatedly state that there's too many human beings.

But that's my human being, man. So there's a difference. Anyway, I am so fucking relieved that that test is behind me. And I've been looking at some used helicopters online because of the amount of money that it's actually going to cost me because if I rent a helicopter because I have to have one that has the gauges so I can go up there and fly, instrument flight rules, IFR, and just the amount of money that that's going to cost. I was like, or I could just take that money and put it on a down payment for something. And then I could fly whenever the fuck I wanted to.

And that would actually be a lot safer because I wouldn't have to worry about availability and I could fly whenever the fuck I wanted. And my instructor who's teaching me instrument is the, of all the great pilots I've flown with, this guy's the sickest pilot I've ever flown with my life. And I've gotten so much better at flying because of flying with him. I could then fly whenever the fuck I wanted and I could fly with him. And then all of a sudden your brain just starts going, right? So I've been looking at some things, you know, I don't know, I'm a lunatic. Once I get into shit, I just get into shit. And now like I fucking, it's just another thing that I do.

I go on YouTube, I watch drum videos, I watch old sports, and now I watch like aviation videos. I'm trying to watch more where I learned shit rather than watching somebody, how they died, which is unfortunately a very sad morbid way to learn how not to get yourself fucking killed. All right, enough with the fucking aviation bill. Let's talk a little bit of sports here. How about yelling some NFL football? What the fuck? Put it up, put it up. Who actually had time to watch two whole games?

Two whole fucking games I had time to watch because I wasn't having my stupid, freckled, adorable nose. I'll say I have a cute nose. I got a cute nose for an adult. It's a pretty cute nose. In a book, I watched your New England Patriots against the Buffalo Bills and the Buffalo Bills trying to turn it around. What a gay man. It was a great game. It's the best game the Patriots played all year against a legit squad, and the Buffalo Bills are a fucking legit squad in their quarterback.

What's his name? Josh Allen. I'll probably fuck up the names. I got a kid now, so I don't have time for all of that fucking football reference scanning, although I wish I did. Beyond impressed with that guy, how well he throws his mobility in the pocket and just, I don't know, and Buffalo's defense, they have a legit squad and, you know, Brady's like what, 42, 43 years old. So I don't know how many, you know, at best case scenario, I think he's got two seasons left. And at that point, Buffalo's QB will have like what, four years of NFL experience. And then I think it goes back to Buffalo, which is really interesting to me because before all this bullshit started, Buffalo dominated the AFC East.

So this time they, you know, they come through and my cousin's coaching them, and maybe he can push them through and they can finally get their first Super Bowl title. They have to do it, man. They gotta do it. The people that went through that shit, I was in my early 20s when that all started. I was 21 the first time they lost that, or 22, 21 to 22, depending if the Super Bowl was in January of 90 or 91. The first time the Bills, you know, the wide right game, which is still fucking ridiculous. I mean, the fucking guy, it was a 48 yard, man. It's, that's not, that's not like a chip shot.

It just didn't fucking curve back in, right? But if somebody was in that early 20s, then like me, you're now in your early 50s. So anybody in their 30s and 40s at this point back then, I can't fucking believe it is now in their early 60s or early 70s. And they sat through watching them lose to Super Bowl for fucking years in a row. They can't have those people die off. Like when Brady retires, I'm actually, you know, I'm always a Patriots fan first, but like, I don't wish that kind of misery on anybody. You know what I mean? So I will definitely, you know, if we go, you know, if we totally suck or whatever and the Bills win the East and they go into the playoffs,

I will definitely be rooting for them because, because they lost four Super Bowls in a fucking row. I thought, you know, I thought our defense has always looked fucking great. You know, on our offense was, I don't know, we had, I thought we, for the best running and passing attack, the balance of that that we've had all year. And this is like that, like that was one of those games that we usually have in November and I get excited like, okay, they're tightening down the screws. We're getting ready to do another run. I would never put, you know, I would never bet against Brady of Belichick. So we shall see, but this is definitely going to be tough because I still think like, you know, despite all our experience and all that type of shit, I just think we lost too many key people.

And I don't know, I just, I don't know, it's going to be real tough to try to get past Baltimore. But as a fan, I will hope, but my head is still, I'm sticking with it. I'm saying Seattle's going to win the whole thing. They're going to beat the fucking Ravens. Although that Lamar Jackson is something else. So who knows, who knows, we shall see. It's going to be fucking fun. It's going to be a fun fucking playoff thing.

And next week, the game of the week has got to be the Seattle Seahawks against the San Francisco 49ers who are letting up a ton of fucking points lately. I would not be excited if I was some hippie in San Francisco with your fucking, you know, your Bergen stock zone. I wouldn't be too fucking thrilled with what the hell they're doing. They need to fix that before they go into the goddamn playoffs. All right, let me do, let me do a little bit of reads here. All right. Oh, simply safe everybody. Oh, I only have one read here.

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And the last time I worked with Dean del Rey in Vegas, he went and he went to this racetrack and he drove all of these fucking super cars around the racetrack and everything. Right. So he said, burr, you got to do it. You got to do it. And I was just like, you know, it was September. I was like, I got to study for this fucking exam. Right. So I was fucking doing that shit.

So this time around, that was another thing that was in my head when I was taking the test. I was like, Jesus Christ, if I flunk this fucking thing, am I really going to go around and drive these cars when I'll now only have fucking, you know, until December 31st to take this fucking test again? Unfortunately, I passed it. So I took like a fucking, you know, I don't know what, 830 a.m. flight out to Vegas, you know, got up early. I was so excited from passing the test, you know, I couldn't get to sleep until like one in the morning and the night before I couldn't sleep because I was nervous about taking the fucking test. And then I finally got to sleep and the fucking battery died and my smoke detector. So I started going beep, beep, every 30 seconds, beep. And I'm like, oh, fuck.

So I had to get up and fucking change that goddamn thing in the middle of the night. So I was already wiped out from the night before I had to woke up early. And then so now we're going over to the track to drive these cars. And I can't tell you how not even into it I was. I was just like, I don't give a fuck about it. I just want to go home and sleep. Why am I fucking doing this? I should go to sleep.

Be all fucking rested up. You know, we go over there. I see the cars. I don't give a shit. I'm a sedan guy. I don't like driving fast. I'm old. I like smoking a cigar.

I like driving my old fucking pickup truck. You know, I drive a Ford or sedan. Like that's just my shit, right? I don't give a fuck. All right, going fast. That's for fucking young people in their James Dean time of their life, right? I'm that guy driving on road. Jesus, slow down.

Christ, I got a kid in my car, right? So we all the way, we went all the way through. Like the guy brings us in to give us like the tests. And I'm looking at this. He's got this line drawn all around the track. And I'm like, all right, the red's got to be where you're breaking. The green is where you're going really fast. I didn't understand it.

It was actually, it was red, white and green. And like he's going, you're going to be hard on the brakes. You're not going to think that you can step too hard, but you got to step super hard on the brakes. And then there's a point where you're going through, when you slow down, you get like the speed you want. And he goes, you don't think these cars are going to be able to take the turn, but they're going to be able to.

And there's this point when you go through the turn, that you don't have your foot on the gas or the brake, which I thought in racing, you were either doing one or the other. You're letting the weight of the car, you're going right through the turn. And then where it's green is you're coming back on the throttle again. And that was the first time it parked up. I was like, Oh, I never knew that. And, uh, but I was still tired of shit going like it's as amazing as this is.

I would rather be laying with the lights out, sleeping right now. But I got to tell you something. The second we got, the second we got in those fucking cars, dude, it was the sickest fucking experience I've ever had in my life. And now that I've become, I've been a racing fan here for the last three, four years. The level of respect that I have for these fucking people that drive. And what it is physically on you, your fucking brain whipping around inside your fucking skull as you're going around those turns.

I, I took a, um, went out and, uh, fucking a Porsche, uh, the GTS, RS GT, whatever the fuck it is. Dean's good with all of that shit. I took one of those things out and then I took out this brand new Ferrari that they have. I forget which one it was, but it's the one where there's like a front bumper. And then behind the bumper, there's a, there's like this cut out for the air to come up from under the car and then roll over the top of the car. I don't know what the thing was, but, um, both of those cars were, was as sick as the Porsche was. The Ferrari was unbelievable. The level of power twice.

I didn't make the first turn because I came down the straightaway so fast and I, and I kept thinking if I stomped on the brakes like with a normal car, they was going to lock up and I was going to spin out. And, um, and I also learned by the end of it that you just thought like you were impressing the guy you were driving with that if you just forced stomping on the gas and all of that. And it's, that's not what it is. And like I was really fighting the car and herky jerky the whole way around the track. It's like, oh, this is supposed to be as loud and as crazy as this is. This is supposed to be smooth and the smoother it is. And the more you have to fucking over correct.

This is all obvious shit. But as you're doing it, you don't realize it because you're just thinking, I want to go fast. I want to go fast, right? Um, that you want it to be this smooth, just flow around the whole track. And the more you're doing that, the better you're like your lap time is going to be. And, um, just literally the physics that were involved and then the skill set that it takes to do that just at a competent level really blew me away. And I have not stopped thinking about it ever since. And I got to tell you right now, if you're one of these people, you're listening right now and you own a Ferrari or a Lamborghini and you've never taken it to a racetrack.

You're a fucking idiot. You should be beating the shit out of that car at a racetrack. Other than that, what are you just driving down the street hoping a Prius doesn't T bone you. You know, pressing the button to raise the fucking the chassis up as you're going over speed bumps. As Dean was telling me, a buddy of his owns a Lamborghini and he has to do shit like that. It's a complete fucking waste. But if you buy one of those cars, the only time that car should be on a regular street is if it's on a trailer on its way to a track. And you should go to a track and just beat the shit out of it.

And the car will be happier that you did it because that's what it's designed for. I cannot fucking tell you, I can't, I cannot, I can't overstate how fucking exciting it was. It was every time I go to Vegas, I'm going to fucking do that. It's a wrap. And then the next, you know, when I bought five laps in each car, I thought I bought five. The guy ended up hooking us up because he knew Dean because Dean knows everybody, right? So the next time I go there, I would suggest doing the way I did it the first time. Get five laps in this, five laps in that because you're just like, oh my God, I always want to drive this car.

I always want to drive that car. But the next time you do it, I would actually suggest getting 10 laps in one car and do them all in a row and really work on trying to improve. Like I forgot half the stuff. He's like, hey, when you, when you, you know, when you're stomping on the brakes, like the weight is on the front of the car. And then he has you come off the throttle, the brake or the throttle as you're going through the turn. But if you come on the gas too, too soon, the weight's going to be on the back of the car. And as you're turning, your ass ends going to swing out. Like just shit.

Like this shit I could barely fucking remember. And I, there's actually a video that I posted on my Instagram stories and me coming out of this turn. And I thought it was a cool fucking video because I come flying by in that Ferrari. And it sounds like, you know, I'm in Ford versus Ferrari and shit. But like the fifth, it wasn't until the fifth time I watched it that I looked at my line coming out of the turn. I was like, I'm way wide. Like that's fucking horrific. And I really thought about it.

And I was just like, oh, that guy I was driving with was probably thinking this guy fucking stinks. He's fighting the car the whole fucking time. But anyway, it was just, I can't imagine to have to do that 70 to 100 fucking times or in stock car where they have like 200 fucking laps. In the entire time you're dealing with the stress of trying to have the best lap time every time you go around the track. Meanwhile, somebody fucking right on your ass, you know, bumping India and all of that shit. It's like a whole new level of, of respect for that shit. I want to thank everybody down there that hooked us up and put up with my horrific driving Dean drove great. And we just took out like street level cars.

We didn't even take out the race cars. Like the next time I think I'll take out one of the fucking race cars, but I was like terrified of those things. It's just like, dude, I don't, I don't drive fast ever. Like on my car, it's a supercharged v6. And because of the weight, it's more than enough power for the weight of the car. It's more than enough power. The only time I really, you know, turn the knob. So like it's, it's automatically because you really got to stomp on the gas for the supercharger to kick in, or you can just have it in that mode.

In the second you hit it, you're just going to take off from the line. The only time I do that is when I'm on a two lane thing that's going down to one lane and I want to get in front of the person next to me. I just use it for that. And then I put it right back on grandpa mode. Whatever, I'm fucking old. What do you want from me? Speaking of old, I'll tell you what's getting fucking old right now is the, the Boston Bruins with this fucking losing streak. Let's look up.

Like, I can't remember the last time they fucking won a game. Like we're on like a five game, you know, maybe we lost an overtime at best and got one point. But we have just been losing, losing, losing, losing the last like, I don't know, we lost to the fucking Islanders. Johnny Boychuk, man, there's a guy we never should have got rid of. All right, here it is. We lost to the Avalanche on the seventh. We lost to Ottawa on the ninth. We lost to the Capitals on the 11th.

We lost to Tampa Bay on the 12th. All right, we beat Florida. We lost to the Kings in overtime. We lost to the Islanders in a shootout. We lost to Nashville in overtime. So in the last one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight games, we have lost. Oh my God, we've lost seven times. Once in overtime, once in a shootout.

So in the last like possible, like 14 or sorry, 16 points, we've gotten three points. And now we got to play the fucking Capitals. Jesus Christ. We got a fucking, we got the Capitals, the Sabres home and home. And then we got the Devils to close out 2019 before we go into a new decade. So hopefully they're going to fucking turn it around. But I love this Bruins team. You know, who gives a shit?

Who gives a shit if it happens this time of year? You know, maybe the Bruins are looking a little forward through the holidays. They're excited to get a new pair of skates or something for Christmas. I don't know what the fuck it is. Oh, I didn't talk about the Eagles and Cowboys. What a huge win for the seven and seven Eagles against the seven and seven Dallas Cowboys. They had like a bunch of injuries and shit. So which I wasn't aware of, but I guess it was a huge win.

You know, it's fucking great as I love Troy Aikman. You can, as much as he tries to be impartial, when the Cowboys are not playing well, you can just hear it in his voice. Like these guys are dropping passes. They're not getting it done. Like he almost, he starts to go back into the huddle, you know, telling guys they got to start making fucking plays. But then, you know, he's always quick.

I mean, I'm sure Eagles fans think 100%. But then again, think of some of the shit that you didn't said to him, which by the way, how great was it when Isaiah Thomas went into the crowd with those two stupid sixer fans, giving him the finger saying, fuck you bitch. And he went in like a gentleman. I hope he didn't get fired. I don't even know when the fuck that happened.

Hopefully he didn't get fucking suspended or anything like that. And that whole fucking idea that, you know, you bought a ticket and you can do and say whatever you want and that these guys are just going to have to fucking deal with it. And it's on them to be professionals. I 100% disagree with that. 100% disagree with that. I mean, it's very easy to get on a fucking player without crossing a line.

And then also there's going to be kids there and that type of shit anyway. So you shouldn't be out there talking the way that I talk on this podcast there. You like that? You like the hypocritical aspects of that. So anyways, look at the fucking in the NBA. Oh, you got, you got the fucking 76ers. So they finally put together a team, you know, LeBron's going out to fucking LA. And you got the goddamn, uh, the surprising heat.

And I thought they way overpaid for Kelly Olinik despite the way that man plays in a game seven. You show me a guy in the NBA right now with a better track record in a game seven than Kelly Olinik. Granted, he only played one game seven for the Boston Celtics, but I'll never forget it. That goes that goes down with all the great Celtics of all time. As far as somebody stepping up in a game seven and putting the fucking team on his back, that guy did it. He fucking did it. You know, it was just Kelly Olinik games one through six, but game seven, he became something else. Um, so ever since then, I've always kind of kept an eye on that guy and, uh, I'm hoping that he play a game seven.

How cool would that be? And if they played a game seven and once again, he was the guy and then he just had this fucking thing where he was just Kelly Olinik. You know, not saying he's a bad player, but he's not, he's not a superstar player. He's not on a star level player, right? But you get that guy in a game seven when it all counts and all the chips are pushed in the middle of the fucking table and that motherfucker delivered. You cannot hate that man. So I am a huge fucking Kelly Olinik fan. Um, it was also close.

Right when he did that, I was reading this great book on Bob Coosie and Bill Russell, which was also a history of the NBA and the Boston Celtics all at the same time. Cannot recommend that book enough. The only thing that sucks is Bill Russell was not in the book with any sort of a quote. But Bob Coosie is all over the book. It would have been great to hear Bill Russell's perspective on a lot of that stuff. But, um, I don't know. So I was reading about all the Celtics and all these big games and all these great games and how he's always, you know, Lakers would always come up short. And they would somewhat Celtics always figure out a way to win.

And then right as I was reading that book, Kelly Olinik had that game seven. I can't even remember who the fuck they played. Um, but anyways, out here in LA, you should see how fucking caddy the goddamn LA Clippers are getting. With the Lakers, which I don't know how that helps them. Where they, they have all, they have all this shit where they look like they're just talking about the Clippers, but they're clearly shitting on the Lakers. There was one that it's, it's, uh, we before me, we over me or something like, let me look these up. It's all of it. It's just like me.

Yow. LA Clippers, LA Clippers, advertisements, billboards. See what they got here. Oh, Jesus. Of course I can't find any, but they all just like are talking about how they're playing as a team and there's no flash, which is clearly like a dig with like the showtime. Like other Lakers, you know, Diane Cannon in the crowd and all of that type of shit. But I will tell you, as a Boston Celtics fan, first of all, I love the fucking team we have this year. Um, I'm fucking, I'm loving, uh, it just didn't work out with Kyrie Irving, amazing fucking player.

It just didn't fucking work out. Ken Bay Walker has been amazing so far. Still my favorite team since I started watching them again was the Isaiah Thomas led Celtics, you know, with Jay Crowder and fucking Kelly Olenek and all of those fucking guys. I loved that team. That team was one of the toughest teams to beat in the NBA. And I still don't think we're where that team was. Um, as far as just the fucking defense that those guys could play. And I was just never say die, but I'm loving what the Celtics are right now.

But having said that, the fucking LA Lakers are scaring the shit out of me and how seamlessly Davis has fit into that team and accepting his role that LeBron's LeBron and then there's him and he's totally fine with that. That's the type of shit that leads somewhere that I don't want the Lakers to go. But they, they look great. But I got to tell you, you know, I've kind of let go of, you know, like losing sleep and seriously fucking hating all these other these, you know, my rivals and all of that shit. I'm, but it's right below the surface. I just realized how stupid it was like this run that Boston has gone on. You know, the thing is you always want that to happen. And the payoff is that you'll be a happy sports fan.

But if you're still like giving a fuck and watching and like, I want to want to give up. Like I'll always hate the fucking Lakers. I'll always hate the Canadians and whatnot. But like I won't, I have to in the Yankee, I just got to give up. I just want to not be that sport fan who then if my team isn't even playing, I'm sitting there rooting against a franchise. Like, you know what? That's like that this, this whatever profession you're in, like if you have like a falling out with somebody and then you just have to like, you know, be in the same room with them and then not talk to them. Like the amount of fucking energy that that takes, like I fortunately don't have any of those relationships currently in my life right now where I walk into a room.

You know, oh, maybe I got a couple from way back in the day, I guess. But even then I, hey, how are you doing or whatever? I don't give a fuck. I just, I don't give a shit. And it's just too like, I'm going to fucking 51 years old. I'm going to fucking sit there and act like some chicken high school. Like, oh my God, I'm like sitting at fucking talking to you. I even have fucking people that like I haven't seen a long time ago.

I just had a falling out with them and I stopped talking to him. If I fucking saw him today, I just, hey, how are you doing? Whatever. I should be friends or whatever. Who gives a fuck, right? The same thing is like a sports fan. Like, oh my God, I am like so not rooting for them and I'm just going to sit there fucking like losing my shit. Like, I don't give a fuck about the Seattle Seahawks anymore.

I give a fuck about peak care. I so gave a shit. And then just one day it hit me. I'm like, what am I doing? You know, I think it's just having a kid. I don't want to be that guy going like you fucking fucking screaming at the fucking TV is my kids sitting there. I can't do it anymore. So just because of that, and it's just, it's made like more enjoyable.

So why can't I just fucking enjoy the fact that Pete Carroll is a great coach? Okay. Why does it bother me that so many people on that team tested positive for steroids and they never get shit for cheating? That he did that little fucky fuck shit and then the training camp. And if the Patriots did it, it'd be a fucking huge scandal and someone suspended longer than fucking Ray Rice when he got knocked out. I still care. Fuck. I'm trying to get rid of it.

Anyway, so let's, let's, let's look at the, let's look at some of the reads here. Let's look at some of the reads here. It's early in the morning here. I always make breakfast. I love fucking cooking for my ladies. All right. Christmas movies. Dear Billy, silver balls.

I like that one. Silver balls. Silver balls. Freezing them off at the bus stop. Hanging out. Seeing the girl you have a crush on. Too scared to say hello cause you have orange hair. Fucking freckles, pasty skin.

Looking like howdy duty. All right. I don't, I don't recall hearing you mention your favorite Christmas movies ever. By the way, if I just said hello, all of that would have worked out and I wouldn't have become a comedian. I'm a Christmas Carol fan myself. Oh yeah, I respect anybody. You can do anything musically. Anyway, I think the Muppet Christmas Carol is the funniest, most Christmassy spirited movie of the season.

You know what? I think I might look that up on YouTube, pay for it and watch that with my wife tonight. Oh no, we have a, we have a Christmas party. I think your, your daughter would like it. Other gems for my childhood include the California, California raisins, claymation special. I don't think I can watch that with my wife and the lesser known Garfield Christmas. We still break it out our VHS copy every year. Take us through some, take us through some of your favorites.

Also, do you have Christmas pajamas? I'm wearing them right now. They say ho ho ho on the, the pajama bottoms. Take us through something. A man who likes eggnog always has Christmas pajamas. That's nice. Police work, sir. Or ma'am.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. Go fudge yourself. He didn't say happy Kwanzaa, but if you got to go Christmas and Hanukkah, you got to throw Kwanzaa in there, right? Anyway, my favorite ones, yeah, all of those claymation ones. I love Rudolph the red nose reindeer and I love it more and more as I get older when you just see like how unforgiving and what a bad example Santa Claus is in that one. He's just like, hey, you're different.

Get out of here. We don't need you. You know, and then all of a sudden then they fucking need him. There's a like, there's a really great life lesson in that one. You know, where it's just like he was different. He had a red nose. You know, I had red hair. So, you know, I was like relating to this fucking guy and it's just like, all right, look at this now.

Now that the thing has to, you know, go off and go hang out with all the loses, you know, which where it's where I was for a while, you know, before it started being funny and making people like me through that. Then I think, you know, all of a sudden, you know, he's got the fucking red nose and shit and then Santa Claus needs him again. And then it's just like, all right, you know, something and Rudolph takes the job. He doesn't cut off his red nose to spite his face. And that's like a big fucking thing I learned in this business. They were like club owners that wouldn't book me or they said some bad shit to me or whatever. And I was like, oh, someday, someday, boy, oh boy, I'm going to be funny and then they're going to want to book me. And I'm going to be like, you know what?

You said this and this and then I'm like, fuck you. And it's like, no, I don't, you want to book me now? Fine. Why would you know that I was good? I wasn't good when you saw me. You could only go with the information that you had. Now I'm good enough to play your club and you want to book me. So I'm going to take the fucking work.

Why would I take the fuck you? I'm never fucking playing that fucking festival because I never fucking, if you're a young comic, listen to that. That is the biggest, dumbest, stupidest fucking waste of time. And it's bad business. Take the gig and go in there and do a great job and be a good guy. And then, you know what? The club owner will be nice to you. You know what?

You end up being friends. And then someday you get to bust his balls. And he'd be, I never did that. I never said, yeah, you did, you did. I do it to Jamie Masada at the laugh factory all the time. One of my great friends in this business all the time. I break his balls all the time. And he's always like, buddy, buddy, why, why, why you talk to me this way, buddy?

And I go, because you fucking, you banned me from your club. I never did that, buddy. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Because you had a little bit of power over me and you were having a bad fucking week. And I looked like a puppet and you thought I was the guy you could fuck with and you did. And as you can see, I let it go. He's fucking a layer of Sue.

He's like, Billy Bar, Billy Bar, ladies and gentlemen, Billy Bar, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, Billy Bar. When he fucking calls me up every fucking time, he sends me an email and he writes it. Billy Bar, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, Billy Bar, Billy Bar, ladies and gentlemen. One of my favorite people in this business, Jamie Masada, but there was a time in my career where I would just say some day he's going to want me to work his club and I'm going to go fucking tell me. Why would I do that? There's only three comedy clubs out here. Stage time is so fucking different.

Even if it wasn't, if there was a fucking hundred clubs, I would still do it because it's a waste of fucking energy. And that's what I get out of the root off the red nose reindeer. Okay. Even if you look different, you can still have greatness in you. And in the end, when those people who didn't understand you welcome you back, mainly because they want something from you, not because they've turned over a new leaf. You don't waste your energy hating them. And then you hang out and next thing you know, you're the fucking lead dog pulling the goddamn sled.

All right. And then the heat miser one I love because people used to always tease me, telling me I look like Mr. Heat Miser when I was a kid and I hated it. I'd be on the school bus and they all be saying, I'm Mr. Heat Miser. No, it'd be Bill's Mr. Heat Miser. I'd be sitting there like, shut up. Stop saying that.

Fuck you, you know. Anyway, so those are some of my favorites. I like the Charlie Brown Christmas one and I hate that we haven't watched any. We've been watching a lot of Disney movies though last night. Like last night, I watched Peter Pan with my daughter and I can't, I never know. I don't think I really ever watched that movie when I was a kid. I didn't watch a lot of them.

I cannot believe like what a self-involved little fucking cocksucker that Peter Pan is. He's so fucking self-involved. It reminds me of, you know, some people I've met in this business, like just like full-on fucking narcissist where it's just like, wow, it's just really all about him. He sort of redeems himself in the end when he has to save Tinkerbell and stuff. But like, I was sitting there watching it with Nia when he goes to save Tinkerbell. I looked over to her and I was like, you know, that's the first selfless thing this green little fucker has done this movie. She goes, oh yeah, he's horrible in this movie.

I'm going to watch that when my daughter's a little bit older and I'm just going to be like, you know, someday you're going to meet a guy like that. All right. And he's going to ask you out and, you know, if I've even remotely done my job, you're going to laugh in his face and say, no, don't ever fucking bring a guy home like Peter Pan. Oh, Jesus, that's starting already. I can't do that because then that's exactly what the fuck she's going to bring home. All right.

Date story from a lady. I recently went to a farmer's market where I met a woman who wanted to set me up with her single, never married, 40 year old son. Oh, okay. Well, is he crushing it in the business world? Because I mean, maybe he just didn't have time for that part of his life. Other than that, I'm already seeing a red flag. Anyways, she said, I had just been dumped a couple of weeks before. So I figured, why not?

I gave her my, I gave her my number and ended up going on a dinner with him after the male waiter took our order. He turned to me and said, doesn't our waiter have a great smile? The waiter was male and he never complimented my appearance at all. Okay. Well, I mean, he could just be a guy that just, you know, likes people. Okay. Now right now you're acting like so far with this far into the story, but you know how it ends up. I feel like you're leading me down the road that this guy is gay and he doesn't know it or he's in the closet or he's fighting it or whatever.

But as of right now, he just made an innocent comment about the waiter and he hasn't talked about you. And I just talked about Peter Pan and that's fresh in my head. So right now I'm picturing you dressed all in an all green dress. All right. When we finished our dinner, he offered to give me a ride home. We got to the parking lot and there was his white nine passenger van. Oh my God. Okay.

I need to reevaluate my life choices because I hopped right in that car. Oh my God. He walked me to my door and I gave him an awkward side hug and ran into my apartment. Good for you. The next day he texted me. Thank you for joining me for yum yum's and a cocktail last night. It's safe to say I went on a date with a gay man, right? No.

No, it's safe to say that you know why this guy is 40 years old and single. Okay. Joining me for some yum yum's and a cocktail last night is just, I mean, that's just something you read it. You have to walk it off. That's like you really just go and then you have to walk it off. Yeah, and he's got a nine passenger van. Listen, this guy might be a little odd, but I think it's, I think you just, I think it's

safe to say that you didn't vibe with this guy. He might just be one of those, those straight guys that just exists in that weird fucking area. Like for any pilots listening, right? He's got the teardrop entry into fucking heterosexuality. You know, you got your John Wayne types. All right. You got your betas.

And then you get those, those, the straddlers, you know, which is fucking hilarious, especially right now where everybody's supposed to be woke and progressive and all that. But then when you meet somebody who's comfortable enough to say that another man has a nice smile and described food is yum yum's that they're immediately like, you know, women are repulsed by that. I just think that, okay, this guy could still be straight, but he's just, he's one of those guys that, you know, if an intruder comes through the door, he's probably going to be yelling louder than you screaming, I should say, you know, not saying that gay guys can't fight.

I would never suggest that. All right. I, you know, I would never suggest that, especially after all the bear videos I've been watching. And you know, the nickname for like a manly gay guy is a bear. So like, no, if, if a fucking, I'm going to tell you something, if, if, if a gay guy who's described as a bear fights anywhere, like a real bear, I wouldn't want to go out. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near one of those guys when they get pissed off. So I think it's safe to say that you dated somebody that made you really fucking uncomfortable

and that your nether regions were drier than the fucking serengeti during the, yeah, you're not going to bang this guy. All right. You're not going to bang this guy. You're not going to be with this guy. It's fucking over. I mean, the nine passenger van. Is he driving around in a company car?

Thank you for joining me for yum-yums in a cocktail last night. Oh my God. I don't even know. Like, I'm actually going to say that, like, I'm going to say that next time I go out and get a fucking steak dinner with a buddy of mine. I'm going to say that. Hey, thank you for joining me for some yum-yums at a cocktail. I can't even do that.

I get all fucking, I don't know. All right. Let's see. Let's walk that one off. Let's walk that. All right. Have you noticed that? There's something like a gay guy that's like out of the closet.

It's like totally relaxed. That something that's in the closet is one of the most uncomfortable things ever. So if that guy's in, I understand like maybe that was like the fucking tone. It just like, oh my God, just go blow somebody. Get it over with. So we can bring him just fucking relaxed. You're out of the closet. You just don't know it.

Just fucking be gay so we can all relax. All right. Lady fan. I got two ladies here. All right. Dear Bill. I'm a big fan of your standup in the podcast and ATC and what it does for the performers. Oh, thank you very much.

I'm glad you noticed that one of the big things that we take pride in is, uh, is, is being a place that comedians can come to and not get fucked over, you know, put out a special or help out their podcast and something that turns into ticket sales or advertising or whatever. It's what we're trying to do. Not saying we're always 100% successful. All right. I enjoy, by the way, Jessica Kerson special totally blew up.

So when she goes on the road, please go out and buy a ticket. Go see her. She's an absolute fucking legit monster fucking headliner and, uh, and also makes our company look great when people like Paul Verzi put out a special and now he's a legit headliner. I never get to work with him on the road anymore. Um, I cannot see, I cannot wait to see what Paul Verzi is going to buy when he starts making serious money. I cannot, I cannot, whatever it is, I know it's going to be white.

He's got too much Sicilian in him. Okay. It's going to be a white car, a white fur coat, white leather furniture. It's going to be something, something, that white Christmas tree that Ray Leota came home with and good fellows. I'm telling you, he's going to do it and it's going to make my fucking life to see him buy that. All right.

Anyway, I enjoy the bi-weekly dose of your advice and your humor on the podcast. You ask women to write in and mention you sometimes need to dial back the women bashing, most of which is just hilarious. Yeah, I'm just fucking around. Come on. Uh, but the rest of it, I 100% believe I'll let you do the math. Uh, actually, I think it's all hilarious to be honest. I do have a question about you.

You refer slash reply to women that you have exhibited over a period of time. What? I do have a question about the, okay. This is how it's written. I do have a question about the you refer slash reply to women that you have exhibited over a period of time. If anybody can tell me what that means. I am all ears.

Now, when you are responding to men reading relationship advice, you constantly compliment them for landing any kind of pussy. If it's a young guy dating an older woman, he's a stud. He gets to bang multiple women. He's a stud. He knows how to chat up and charm the ladies again. And on some occasion you advise them to bang women, even if the situation is bad toxic or the woman in question is fucked up or has issues.

Do I? I don't think I took it that far. It comes off as you in summation is saying to these guys, take advantage of that fucked up woman and user is a jizz toilet, then get out of there. Oh, go fuck yourself. I can't stand that fucking perspective. I am so sick of women acting like when they're getting banged, like, like they're out there raking the leaves on your front yard.

That whole fucking attitude women have where both people got laid, yet they still need like a gift bag when they walk out the door. Like something good didn't happen for them too. Like sex doesn't feel good for them. I am so fucking sick of them acting like they're put upon to have sex with a guy. If you don't want to bang a guy, don't bang the guy. But if you're getting banged, you decided that you wanted to get banged and you're fucking enjoying it. Don't act like you fucking went out there and, you know, cleaned out the gutters on the house.

You got laid. Oh my God, that drives me up the fuck. That's that's them in a fucking nutshell that they always got to play the fucking victim always. Oh, they're always the fucking victim. Anyways, however, you don't give women who write in any stud props and compliments or advice like that. I don't think that's true. I have. Anyway, there's no have a good time riding that dick than dip out on his ass.

Women seem to only have a place on a scale from beautiful, beautiful, thoroughbred slash good girl, which come off as women who have taken a respectable place as some man's exclusive breathing fleshlight. Oh, Jesus Christ. Did you just take a woman's studies class to bottom feet or whore? I know you have your bits and all. I get that. But this seems to be a little different. You don't either brilliant.

So this is how great women are with manipulation. How she's a big fan. He is stand up. I love the podcast, ATC, everything you do. I can listen to you bash women and I find all of it funny. However, and then they get into their actual point. That's what they do. They totally get you all fucking relaxed.

None of this shit. All that shit up front was total fucking lip service. And then they go into this. And this is why I have the issues that I do with one amongst other things with women is that they can never just square up their fucking shoulders and just fucking come at you. It's got to be this. Look at this hand. Well, the other hand does some fucking, fucking shady shit.

All right. Anyway, what gives? I gotta know just so you know the times I've heard you call a cunt. A bottom feeder whore. She actually sounds like a bottom feeder whore. Well, then I don't know what you're saying because now you're all but you're buying it all back. Well, I do what you do. I'm doing what you're doing.

All right. When you hear a story of a man and a woman, you put yourself into the story and you picture yourself as the woman. So you get overly sensitive on that side and I put myself in a story. I look at myself as the guy and I get overly sensitive for the guy. I mean, not to the parent of describing food as yum-yums. So that's basically what's going on. I'm just doing what you're doing. All right.

And that whole fucking thing back in the day, how come if a guy does it? He's a stud. How come if a woman does it? She's a whore is one of the easiest answered questions ever. It's the skill set involved. All right. For a guy to get laid, it takes skill. This is skill set involved for a woman to get laid.

Like a woman's opening line in a bar could be like, Hey, do you want to fuck me? She's going to get laid. If a guy walks in and does that, he's going to get drinks poured over his head. He's going to slap in the face. He's going to get canceled on social media. There's no skill set involved. That's why. Does that make sense?

You don't have to come up with the fucking opening line. I played this game on time with my wife. I said, you know something? Let's cause she was bitching about all the dumb shit guys say would say to her back in the day or whatever when they tried to hit on her. And I was just like, all right, you know, fair enough that is dumb shit, but let's just turn the tables. Let's let's you hit on me. You come up with a line to dazzle me. Guys, do this with your woman.

It's fucking hilarious. The lack of game they have as bad as your game is. You wait till you hear that they have zero game. She was saying to me shit to me and I was just laughing. Or I was just like rolling my eyes or whatever. And then she, and then she, she actually had the nerve to say to me, especially after all the shit she put me through. She was going like, see now you just try to make it difficult. It's like, yeah, welcome to my world.

Welcome to every guy's world. So, um, I don't know. I don't know what you're saying. I mean, I'm actually at this point questioning if you're even a fan. I think that that was all bullshit. And you probably actually don't like me. I'm, I'm actually thinking that you're, you're the guy you're with likes me and you fucking hate me. So, uh, you wanted to make this point and you wanted to get it on the podcast.

So what you did was you threw a bunch of sugar and fucking syrup in the beginning of it. I don't believe any of that. I don't think you like me. I think you think I'm a fucking misogynist and then you just fucking dressed it up like that. But I did answer your question. Um, that is why, and I also overcorrect during this time where they act like only men are predators and that men can never be victims and that women cannot be predators. And, uh, you know, which is just simply not the fucking case. All right.

Um, you know, I mean, the amount of guys out there who, if you see who are successful and then you see their wife. I mean successful guys, regardless of what they look like, have these beautiful wives. Okay. And you know, there's this fucking thing out there that, you know, a certain level of woman does not fuck with a certain level guy. Um, until he reaches a certain level of success. I don't blame him for it. I mean, why would they settle for less when they can get something more, but don't act like there's not like an agenda out there. You see, if you take that formula and you got somebody who's a fucking sociopath, total fucking narcissist, you're going to have a guy who worked his ass off his whole fucking life to get somewhere.

And some woman who didn't do shit other than have her tits hanging out of the front of her fucking shirt is going to get his fucking house. And that happens on a regular basis. And to sit there and act like there wasn't some sort of predator victim involved there. And that my whole perspective, I mean, granted the way I presented is misogynistic. I could easily dress that up the way that lasts, you know, for, you know, to just, for, to just pretend that you have feelings for somebody when you really just have feelings for their car and their bank account. I mean, I could, I could say it in a nicer fucking way, but that's not, you listen into the wrong podcast. All right. All right.

Moving on. Here we go. Uh, missing booze, uh, found a solution by accident. Uh, hey, Billy, buy booze. Uh, buy, buy booze. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I'm coming up on 400 days of no fucking booze.

And, uh, I don't know, man, I think I'm done for good. I also think when you take this much time off and then all of a sudden you go back, I think people look at you like weird. And no matter what you say, like, no, I'm in control this time. I just have one. I just have like, maybe I'll have a glass of wine with a, with a, with a nice meal. You know, if it's an event, I'll have a glass of wine and that's it. I think always people, after you took a significant amount of time off, people just like, oh God, how soon before it goes off the rails, which to be honest, the way I'd binge drink would not be, uh, you wouldn't be wrong if you looked at me like that. Anyway, uh, I'm a married introverted teacher and my wife loves people.

I used to take tiny bits of Adderall and drink booze to build up the will to hang with her friends. Do you realize what you're doing to your liver? Long term. I'm telling you, man, like. I have such a newfound respect for sober people that they just take life in the face every fucking day. I think what you have to do in those situations, sir, is you have to find the comedy in your shortcomings socially. And it's actually a way to kind of get yourself out of it. If you actually say something stupid in those moments and then call yourself out on it and just make a joke about how bad you are socially.

Usually the person you're talking to starts laughing. If you do it the right way, just, just don't do the hipster tap out. Oh my God, awkward. Just don't do that and then put the whole weight of the conversation on the other person. You just hold up your end of it, just going like, I suck at this. I'm trying to get better at this. If you just say that, you'll be fine and people will help you out. And it just, it's, it's like, it's the once again, it's like the gay thing out of the closet.

It's out there. Everything's fine in the fucking closet. It's everybody still fucking does. And then it's the big elephant in the room and everybody's fucking feeling weird saying that that analogy straight across the fucking board. If you just awkward, socially address it and just be like, I'm putting, you know, I'm going to get better at it. It just becomes funny and people will help you out. And it's usually so many things in life you think are a fucking mountain. You have to walk up and it's really, you just have to step up onto a curb.

It's really not that big a deal. It's just that it happened to you when you were so young, you know, when your world was so small that you don't have like perspective. And these little fucking things become these giant things that you're looking up at. And it's really not that big a deal. All right. So come out of your shell, but I'll read the rest of this. I had depression, fatigue, hopelessness, et cetera. Oh, I've been there.

A regular person wouldn't know, know it. And I never wanted to admit it. So consequently, I never tried to fix it. Well, that's what they got therapy for. He says, anyway, parentheses with the S. All right. Anyway, he wrote it correctly. I'll say it correctly.

I tried to find a natural way to recreate the feeling of my social vices. I learned about neurotransmitters, dopamine, serotonin. I don't even know what this word is. S-Ace-Te-Cl-Cl-Cl-Line? Ace-Ty-, Ace-Ty-Cl-Line. A-C-E-T-Y-L-C. T-Y-L-C. I guess Y actually is like a vowel.

It's like a Russian last name. O-L-I-N. Co-Line. Ace-Ty-Cl-Line? I can spend the rest of my podcasting career trying to figure out how to sound that thing out. I always feel like purgatory. If there is such a thing as purgatory, like that's what purgatory is. It'll be like, alright, pronounce this word correctly.

Once you do, then you can come into heaven. And then you spend like half of eternity before you finally get it. By the time you finally get it right, you don't even give a fuck. You can come into heaven. You know what, I don't give a shit. Alright, turns out I lack these things. It says minus five dash ATP for serotonin. 50 milligrams, three times a day for that feeling of satisfaction you get after drinking or smoking the first time after a long day.

This is already making me nervous that you're going this, this like pill route or whatever. L-Ty-Tyrosin? And something else I can't even read. Phenyl-Le-Le-La-La-Line? La-La-Line? Nine? I swear to God. P-H-E-N-Y-L-A-L-A.

There's La-La. La-La-Nine. Phi-Nine La-La-Nine. For motivation and energy. Alpha-G-P-C or a CDP for... Coline for focus and clearing brain fog. Bonus, Alcar, shovels fat into your... Mitochondria for energy.

You feel most of these things within 30 minutes to an hour. Okay, I don't know about this here. I had a beer after a week of that. Wasn't feeling it and decided I'm not much of a fan anymore. Or a fan of THC. Still smoke. Well, yeah, if you're depressed, alcohol and weed are depressants. Boozing weed in video games is a source of serotonin.

But in the same way, coke is not natural. But the supplements I listed are naturally occurring in your body. Some of us are just deficient. Oh, I see. So these natural things that aren't in your body. Just be worried, you know. Considering that's not natural in your body, then you take it like what that does to your liver or stuff.

Like I was getting nervous with the silicone versions of that type of shit. Unless you... Those don't sound like all naturals. I don't know that there's a finite La-La-Nine tree out there that you're eating leaves off of. Anyway, anyway. I drink here and there, honeymoon, etc. But I don't miss it.

I kind of... I kind of miss missing it. That's exactly where I am. But anyway, the supplements are cheap and underrated as fuck. You're my favorite comedian and decent dude, so I figured I'd offer this to you. Talk all the shit you want, but try it first. Go fuck yourself.

You know what? I respect the fact that you're using this and it's working for you. I'm happy. I hope there's no side effects or anything like that. But yeah, I'm not a pill guy. I don't like taking that shit. A further side go is like vitamins. But I actually, what you're doing,

I get out of flying, playing drums, hanging out with my kid, working out. I try to, you know, go in for a walk, doing a set, getting a new laugh on it, you know, on a new joke. I can get it out of that. And, you know, I think towards the end of this year, where I was just studying and studying, studying, and I stopped playing drums, I wasn't doing as many sets.

And I felt like the depression was starting to come on me again. The fog of it was like catching up to me. So I kind of did learn that. So all right, if this works for you and there's no side effects, God bless you. So it's serotonin. I don't know. I'm not going to try to go through these fucking things.

Alpha GPC or CDP. Coline for focus and clearing brain fog. Jesus Christ. I imagine I could use that every once in a while. Anyway, all right. The lemma. Hey, Hey, Billy Bersaitis.

Oh, that's a great one. Billy Bersaitis. Oh my God, this podcast is long as shit. I don't want 20 minutes. I got to get out of here. This one, this one is a little, is a title contender. This guy's talking shit right out of the gate. Would you rather get lit on fire a hundred yards away

from the nearest body of water or get a blowjob from a rattlesnake? Both are probably going to kill you and both are going to hurt bad. Choose wisely and go fuck yourself. That one's easy. I get the blowjob from a fucking rattlesnake. Doubt of doubt.

They have anti-venom. You know, I take that, the fucking bite marks on my dick go away and then I'm fine. I mean, there's no cure for fucking being on fire for a hundred yards and then I watched enough Richard Pryor to know what that bath feels like.

You know, a hundred yards. Yeah, your fingers are going to melt off. You're going to lose your ears, your nose. Fuck that. That's an easy one. This one's a title contender. Sir, you got to come harder than that. You know what?

It's the holiday season. Dooby-dooby-do. I'm going to give you a second shot at that. Come up with a better one. That was a fucking easy one. Blowjob by a rattlesnake. Hands fucking down. Hands down.

You know? Anyway, I'm living in a major city that has rattlesnakes. They're going to have anti-venom. Oh, they would have to talk to my wife and tell her I was getting a blowjob from a rattlesnake. And I would have to live with the shame of that. I think that's what more is.

I've just put it on some Native American shit. This was an initiation into the Native American tribe that was out here that white people attacked and eliminated and out of respect for them. I'd spin it that way. You know, deal with three days of bullshit on social media and then I would be past it. All right, that's the podcast.

Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa to everybody. Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast, coming out to my shows. It's been a great year. It's been an unbelievable decade and bigger and better things.

And I am bigger and better. Just fucking continue to live an awesome life in the next decade. All right, don't be an asshole. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy your holiday break. That's it. I'm predicting Seattle.

Well, actually, I'll be on the podcast on Thursday. We'll talk Seattle 49ers on Thursday. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll see you.