Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-23-24

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

Bill rambles about the holiday season, the Food Network, and Billy blow dry.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 23rd, 2024. What's going on? How are ya? Alright. December 23rd. Oh my God. I haven't even wrapped my fucking gifts yet. It's so fucking dumb. Why does everything end up having to be like there's just not enough fucking time? It's just not enough. Everything's a fucking grind, even like taking a fucking goddamn day off. All of these fucking people. Oh, Jesus, I'm just dropping F-bombs all over the place.

All of these people have been, What are you doing for Christmas? What are you doing? I'm going nowhere. I'm going nowhere. I worked all year. Why would I get on a plane and try to jam a bunch of gifts into the overhead compartment to then go and meet relatives and then be sleeping in a place where I'm not comfortable eating food, I'm not used to, or whatever the hell it is. And then the entire time, right as you're getting settled, you gotta pack up and go back. And bring all this shit that they gave you and shove it in overhead compartments. And all the fucking, all you wanna do is just get home, and then you get home,

and then you gotta work another year. You gotta work another year for these fucking corporate cunts. You see that Luigi kid that they figured out a way to give them the they're gonna try to give them the death penalty. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that amazing that when you kill one of them oh fuck we must do something to deter any copycat you know they called the people on January 6th terrorists, right? And they fucking, two people died that day. One from their side, one from the other side. But you know, nobody got put to death, none of that fucking bullshit.

Some people got some pretty stiff sentences. Okay, but like, you know, I can tell you this, because you're like, well, they didn't walk up with a gun and fucking shoot someone in the back. I don't give a fuck what they did. If they trampled the senator from Wisconsin or fucking, you know, Illinois or whatever, pick a liberal state now. Massachusetts, home of the liberal racists. Home of the liberal racists? Um, then there would be, if you fucked with someone that was making one of those Illuminati cunts money on Wall Street, then they would do some. But if it's just a security guard, that's the way they are, whatever.

They don't give a shit. They don't give a shit. They don't give a shit. It's fucking unbelievable how just fucking overt that is, how important it is to make a statement. So that's the message. That is the message. You can get a job working in a corporation, you can kill tens of thousands of your own countrymen and you will get a fucking infinity pool. But if you kill

somebody who's part of that machine you are a terrorist and you're gonna get the death penalty. Now I'm not saying that this kid should be fucking able to walk around shooting people in the street. I'm not saying that. But I am also saying that you shouldn't be able to do that behind a desk either and kill way more fucking people. Right? Somehow I feel like I have to be careful kill way more fucking people. Right? Somehow I feel like I have to be careful the way I say that. Anyway, Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. And I hope you enjoyed another year of watching Fox and CNN or whatever the fuck you're doing thinking you're actually getting

the real news of Bill, Bill, you're becoming insufferable. know I know sorry anyway let's go into into let's go to some lighter news how about that is those NCA college football playoffs huh how about that wasn't that take that NFL that might have been the worst matchups they could've started with. I know, but it gives them somewhere to go. As far as what I watched, I mean, I was falling asleep at halftime. They were all fucking blowouts.

I don't know where Indiana got their fucking 10 wins from, but Jesus Christ, when you're making Irish kids look fast, Bill, they're not Irish. I know, I know. Hey, hey, noted name. By the way, could you bring down the gold on the helmet? You're getting a little too crazy. Yeah, we paint it before every game. It's, it's like, it's like, hello, my baby. Hell, it's, it's, it's Broadway lights. Bright. We get it. We get it. Jesus loves you the most.

I do love the message that it's gold. You know what I mean? How many people have died trying to get gold or steal somebody's gold and all of that? And then that religion, the Catholic religion is always saying, a rich man has as much chance to get into heaven as a camel does walking through the eye of a needle, you know, just to make sure you're happy being poor, you know, as they roll around all in the gold. Then you go to Notre Dame and they've got Jesus on top, standing on top of gold, like look at all the money I have!

Actually, wait, I think there's a mural of him. Oh my God. Can you imagine doing the walk of shame across the fucking campus at Notre Dame and you're looking up at Jesus and he's looking at you like, come on, you couldn't wear a condom? I wanted to go there one day. Not one day, way back in the day. I wanted to go there. I told you that when I was a freshman, when I was going into my freshman year of high school, my dream was I'm going to Notre Dame and I'm going to become a lawyer.

And of course I was young so I thought I was going to be like an Aaron Brockovich type of lawyer that helps the little man, you know But when you do that you make as much money as when you were a state appointed you make about as much money as a substitute teacher And then if you lose your case you have people inside prison that when they get out they want to kill you You know So I think he goes substitute teacher there and just get shit thrown at you every time you turn your back. By the way, I really think teachers, you know, they gotta be able, I don't know about that. Maybe parents should go back to hitting their kids.

I don't know what it is. I can never hit my kids, but my kids also don't get out of line like that. You know? As a father, you don't need to hit your kids. You just need a good, hey! You know, as a father you don't need to hit your kids you just need a good HIGH! You know, one of those. One of those. The whistle has to be followed up with the stare. A hay can stand on its own. The other thing is a fucking two-hander. It's whistle, a fucking two-hander. It's whistle, they look, then you bring up your eyeballs about halfway, and then you turn your head. Just you do like a 15 degree turn, and you widen your eyes. For whatever reason, that even works on kids that aren't your kids. Like when you have

your friends, your kids have their friends over And they're all fucking dad doing some stupid shit, and then you go they all look turn the head 15 degrees eyes a little bit up There you go Don't fucking make me I'll come over there all the big wheels right back in the garage Right back in the fucking garage. Um, Ohio State won big. They're such nerds.

That stupid coach winking at his player or whatever as they beat the crap out of whoever they are. I can't even remember who they played, it wasn't even a contest. And it's like, buddy, what are you smiling about? What are you smiling about? What are you smiling about? You've lost to Michigan. This season is a failure. I'm kidding.

Good for them. Good for them. Who else did I see? I saw a little bit of the Clemson game. I saw a little bit of the Indiana game. I'm just calling out all the Clemson game, I saw a little bit of the Indiana game. I'm just calling out all the losers, everybody who lost. But it's still a great idea.

Then I watched a little bit of NFL football. I actually had time, because I was fighting off a cold. I saw the Jets versus the Rams. And what was the next game I watched? I watched the 49ers whoever the fuck they were playing. I can't even remember. I get so much goddamn shit but the script is turned in everybody. It is turned in and and and the the the powers that be are reading it over the break and hopefully they will like it or else

I got to go back to the goddamn drawing board. And that's the way it is. That's the way it is out here in the tough streets of Hollywood. So I flew a helicopter for the first time in like three weeks because I was so busy and I flew with my instructor. Did a beautiful 180 auto rotation to end when we came back, but we flew all the way up to Big Bear and it's like unseasonably warm up there.

Gee, I wonder why that is, right? So we had to watch our fuel and all of that type of stuff and we came in. It was kind of cool. Like, came in, I was able to, you know, we made sure we could hold the hover. Before you come in, essentially what you do is when you're at altitude, you know, you just slow down to see if you can hold the hover,

which we were able to do. Then we had like a tailwind, so I started to like spin or whatever. It was kind of cool. He didn't have to tell me anything. Just collect it down, push the stick forward, fly your way out of it. So then as we came in though, the helipads landed two six and now they want you to land down the helipads. Well they used to let you land closer to the restaurant, right? so we flew down there and everything was good and The taxiway getting off was sort of diagonal into the wind and I was thinking I was all good

you know, and then I turned sideways and then all of a sudden my RPMs dropped and You know, I was too close to the ground to drop the collective so I just sort of skied it in and he was like wow you know I must have got even hotter since we left or whatever because it wasn't like a like a big deal but it was just sort of like a baby run on landing and I was like all right right, guy got that. So next time I come up here, what I'm gonna do, and this is what's great about having a helicopter,

is I can just crab my way over so the wind is always coming at me, you know? Is at my front, you know, and I can maintain the lift. It was actually, but I've done so many hover autos and shit like that, that it was actually a really smooth... I was kind of excited that it happened. She always wonder about that stuff so that was cool. And we went to this place, Delma's where we always go, and they got these big Apple things the size of a softball. They give them to you, you take them home, heat them up, put

caramel over it. I didn't have them. I gave them to people in my family. They all loved them. And because old Billy's on Billy, Billy Broadway. I'm on the Fosse diet. I have one edamame a night and I eat one and a half of the peas in the in the inside the pod. We'll just save that for later. Anyway, and then we flew back. Didn't get fuel up in Big Bear, obviously. Then we were flying back and we stopped in bracket. KPOC which kind of sucked for the view. Like when we're coming back it seemed like it was only like four and a half, five miles but it was six the whole way out. But it's nice to fly in it because the air is like super calm.

You know, usually on a clear day it means it's kind of windy unless it rained or something like that. That's sort of the weird thing about aviation. Like today's like a beautiful day, but I don't, it's weird, I'm looking at the treetops, none of them are moving, but that doesn't mean that it's not blowing like a motherfucker all the way up there, so another thing that I've learned. Anyways, I'm just babbling, just here babbling.

So I got all my gifts wrapped everything's ready to go all I got to do is go out and get a couple of stocking stop us I always get my wife like a joke gift for the for the stocking fuck is my phone gonna die I swear to God I swear to God is there is there is there any is there any like I go to bed just charge the thing, I don't fucking charge it. You know what guys, hey guys, this is gonna be a shorter podcast because my phone's gonna die.

Got something on the mic here. Anyway, yeah. So I usually get her something stupid. Like I remember one year I just kept telling her, I said I know exactly what I telling her, I said, I know exactly what I'm getting you for Christmas. I know exactly what I'm getting you for Christmas. She said, what? I go, I am gonna get you a giant bag of Fritos. And I just kept saying that over and over again.

And then when Christmas time came, the first gift I gave her, she shook it. She knew what it was and she was already laughing. And then she opened it up and I went, oh, NeNe, I love you. And I tackled her. Told her that she was the only woman in the world that I would buy a giant bag of Fritos for. And of course, I like Fritos and she doesn't.

So it was actually selfish on my part. But anyway, the lovely Nia, I know like the fun foods that she likes. So I always stick those in there or something silly. I just gotta figure out what that is and then I gotta get the kids something. But all the big gifts, you know what I mean? You always gotta have that one big gift for your kid so they keep believing in Santa Claus for some dumb reason.

My daughter, by the way, was just hammering me with questions this morning. Making pancakes, haven't had my coffee yet, and she is just fucking grilling me. You know? First 48. Going, Dad, how can Santa have one cookie in everybody's house around the fucking world and I just I just clammed up and she just kept asking one question after

another that I had no answer for and I just didn't open my mouth because if I did I was gonna be like because it's all fucking bullshit! It's all bullshit. This whole fucking thing is bullshit. He doesn't exist. The fucking buying a bunch of fucking gifts and spending all the fucking money you don't have and not having any time and not getting relaxed. It's all fucking bullshit. The only thing that fucking matters is right now me standing here making you pancakes because I love you. That's the only thing that fucking matters.

Everything else is bullshit. But I didn't. I kept my mouth shut. Alright? Keep your mouth shut. You don't rat on Santa Claus. Jimmy the Gent. I learned that. Good fellas. Actually, you know, we did a bit a few weeks ago on this podcast where you came up with

terrible sequels to amazing movies that don't need a sequel. I have an idea for a sequel to Goodfellas. All right? It's called Come On Fellas. And it's about three gay guys that turned the original movie into a musical. It's called, Come On Fellas. We don't need to hurt those people like that, do we? Five, six, seven, eight. Jimmy the Gent. Jimmy the Gent. I'm sorry. I still think the best one was that the one of you listeners came up with I

Sent that to fucking everybody all my comedy friends loved that the sequel to Schindler's list Schindler's wrist it's about the carpal tunnel that Schindler got writing out the list and the rehab that follows I Just like it's the most boring movie ever. Anti-climatic. And the movie ends with Sintla just his last line is, Yeah, it feels pretty good. And then just roll credits. Come on.

You wouldn't go out to the movie theater to see that? Come on! Close second for me was big part two. This time it isn't statutory rape. Alright, so I told you guys I was going through watching all the Coen brother movies and right now I'm in this year 2007 where I think they produced two things and then made, oh my god, my fucking favorite of all time, No Country for Old Men. So I rented it two days ago. I started to watch it. It's a bunch of short films, this thing. Paris, Je T'aime. I'm not sure if that's the name of it, but I Loved it immediately because it was in French which by the way. I've been fucking killing Killing I just need to I just don't nobody I can speak it without here. I haven't been with my Tuda for a minute But that's nothing like Duolingo I do I'm doing Duolingo and then they put you in these groups and then you have to compete with other fucking people and

Then they have these certain exercises where you're going against the timer and then you need to to use up some of the the thingy-ma-jingies that you want on the other lessons to to to extend the timer it's just like what what are we doing here? I'm trying to learn a language this is supposed to be fun this is supposed to be relaxing this supposed to be expanding my mind these fucking corporate cunts every

fucking thing That was beautiful in spiritual they have ruined and they've owned all the you'll get the fucking Food Network Nobody's cooking on that dead that whole fucking goddamn channel is just stress There's not enough gradients. There's not enough ingredients, there's not enough time, you're competing with these other people, if you want your own restaurant, you gotta figure it out and go. And they do it to kids. I fucking hate that shit.

My wife and my kids love watching these fucking kids crying, packing up their little fucking Fisher-Price forks and knives because they didn't make toast fast enough or whatever the hell it is and it's just like don't you see what they're doing? They're getting them indoctrined into this whole, that's the right word, into this whole fucking corporate thing that you gotta go, go, go! Not enough time, not enough money, not enough shit you need! So let me just walk by my car as I'm screaming here.

Not enough shit. Not enough time. Not enough spaces. Only one of you will win. Doing that to kids. These fucking kids are all talented and the things that they're cooking and shit it's it's it's it's amazing. And they're really talented and they're really good at what they do but every show one kid goes home crying. Right? The fuck are we teaching them? To get used to being abused? This fucking cooking boot camp that you're sticking them in? It's just so fucking dumb. I swear to God like I just

remember that there was when I was growing up on my paper route, there was a couple of old fucking people. They didn't get the paper on my route. And people rarely saw them. They were in the house. And every couple of months they would come out and people be like, Hey, hey, Mrs. Johnson, how are you? And she would just sort of nod, barely wave. And everybody thought that she was weird, or this guy was weird or whatever. It isn't. I don't think it's 100% that.

Some of them are weirdos, I'm not gonna lie to you. And you wouldn't wanna go in their house to see whatever they're doing. But others, others, I think that they, they just, they've had enough. They've had enough with either the way the world has been or the way it's become or how long this journey is taking. And they just sort of like, you know, I am going to minimize my time on this planet interacting with other human beings because so many of them are disappointing.

You know? But there's great human beings that wrote great books or made great movies. There's experiences to be had by myself enjoying the works of higher beings and I'm going to do that rather than standing in the yard as my neighbor is yelling across the street to me about the over under of the chief's fucking lion's game. You know? I don't know. I might be wrong but that's just a different perspective.

You know I'm probably doing, I'm probably projecting. Because I really see like, like when I think about the end of my life, I always see a couple of things. I see the positive one is me happy as hell, just helping out and encouraging younger people. And then there's another part of me, the dark one, Billy darkness. You know, not willy winds breeze through the trees. Billy darkness.

I imagine myself, I'm alone on a one-level ranch just staring out at this endless flatland on the back porch and there's a dog next to me and I'm just rubbing his head and I'm just staring staring out that way by myself and then that's how I die. Rub its head, I take one last draw on a cigar, and then my giant fucking melon drops and then the weight of it makes me do a forward somersault. Off the back porch. Oh shit. There's one to animate. The end of my life right there. That would be the interesting one.

Anyway, I'll tell you what's amazing. I ran into somebody yesterday and they tried to tell me that this Luigi kid, V for Vendetta, Luigi is going to be making a YouTube video. It's uh, is gonna be making a YouTube video? It's like, how can you make a YouTube video if you're in prison? And then how am I supposed, like, whatever he makes, they're just gonna edit it to make him look like the most insane fucking person ever. Like he's insane. He is insane.

But a never ending war, you know, that bankrupts the country and we're still fucking there and what you said was gonna be there that we needed to stop, we never country and we're still fucking there and what you said was gonna be there that we needed to stop we never found and we're still fucking there. That isn't insane. The amount of innocent people that died over there. None of that is insane, but this kid is out of his fucking mind. He's out of his mind. All right, here's a bushel of carrots make me some banana bread you little shit

I don't know how to pack up your knives and get the fuck off this set Right and then Paula abs duels there I did like your toast hang in there as the kid fucking walks off kid fucking walks off. Oh, one of the chicks from facts of life is there to say that you know, the scrambled eggs were a little runny. Just one of the sadder shows that you could watch out there. It's like, why would you do this to these fucking kids? The fucking kids are sitting there and then the kids all

weirdly talk like adults when they lose. Some fucking eight year old going like, you know, I'm gonna learn from this experience. I had a good time and I'm not gonna give up on my dream. It's like you're fucking eight! There's no learning from experiences at eight. Do you do that in your twenties and thirties when you look back on the whole thing? Like what the fuck was that? What was that? I'm gonna learn from my experiences. You've only been talking for fucking five years!

Obviously, this is a setback and I was hoping that, you know, I would go further in this competition. Some of my goals are to own my first restaurant in a strip mall by the time I'm nine and a half. And, you know, I got derailed a little bit, but I'm going to put my head down. I'm talking to some investors in the seventh grade that possibly want to go in half on a lemonade stand. It's like, what am I looking at here? This is a fucking kid? I know, I know. I'm losing it this week. I am fucking losing it.

I'm just really having a difficult time fucking watching so few people controlling the narrative and just squashing down how many people were truly not sad about that incident in New York. And like, obviously you're not pro going around killing people, but like none of these fucking people were like, maybe we need to look at the system. Maybe we need to do that.

Obviously you gotta punish somebody that goes around and shoot somebody in public in the back. You gotta do that, right? But like none of them are gonna try to fix the system. They're just gonna kill this kid to try to deter you from stopping them from continuing to deny your claim so you die. It's fucking wild.

It's fucking wild. None of them. Not even the liberal Larrys on CNN. I don't know. Granted, I don't watch either one of those channels, but I have seen clips. You know, obviously I came here and I was, you know, shooting for the moon, you know, but that's why you do it.

You shoot for the moon and you know, but, uh, that's why you do it. You shoot for the moon and, uh, you make it halfway to the stars and, uh, yeah, you know, uh, very disappointed. I'm just gonna try to, you know, pick up the pieces and, uh, it's just one day at a time. You know, I, uh, I didn't get it done. I never learned how to ride a bicycle because my parents have been pushing me so hard to learn how to blanch something and put it in an ice bath. I have a bad feeling this is only funny to me. Alright, let's, oh I have no reeds this week.

Oh no reeds, no reeds. See what happens when you defend some fucking V for that Vendetta guy there? Anyway, my car's been fucking acting up. I took it in for a tune-up fucking four grand later. Everything was leaking on the front end. I needed new brakes and all of this shit. So now she's tight as a drum. I get the fucking car back.

Two days later, the engine light comes on. It's all it is, is an engine light. I'm like, what does that mean? So I pull over, I got my cell phone flashlight underneath the car. I'm looking for something to leak because I don't want anything to seize up. Like what the fuck is going on here? So after the holidays I got to bring that back. You know I was disappointed with the tune up. I thought I was running pretty good a few days later. So anyway, lady listener, I promise you guys, this podcast is gonna mercifully end soon. Okay, but I will go a little bit longer

for those of you that are in a relationship that you know you're getting out of in 2025, you just can't do it around this time. Okay, know that I support you and that you know you will feel so much better. So much better. If in fact that is the right decision, but you have to you have to figure out did you quit on it. And maybe if you just put a little more work into because that's what I always learn a

lot in my relationship. When I start feeling like, you know, when you just start looking sideways at the person sitting there next to you crunching on some veggies, hearing that sound in their mouth echoing throughout their head, and you're just sitting there thinking, can you stop chewing those vegetables yeah when you that's when it's time to be hey we should let's go see a movie but you really with someone who's a fucking asshole all right make it your New Year's resolution I know the holidays are weird right this is what

you do you sit them down I've done this for years. You sit them down. You say, we need to talk, all right? And the guy will be like, all right, where do you want to talk? If you're a guy saying it to a woman, she'll be like, what do you want to talk about? Why do you even go, well, not here? It's like, well, it's weird. You can't just say we want to talk. Then they start freaking the fuck out. So if you're gonna say we need to talk to a woman, you better be ready to talk right then and there. And then you just start with you just say listen I've given this a lot of thought I'm just I'm not happy in this relationship and it's it's just not

right and it's not something that we can work on. It's just I don't feel right being with you. That's it. And then like, what did I do? You didn't do anything. You didn't do anything. It's not about what you did or didn't do. It's the vibe. That's what it is.

Someday when you meet your soulmate, there's still something that they're going to do that bugs you. It's not what it is. Some day when you meet your soulmate there's still something that they're gonna do that bugs you. It's not what you did. It's just this is just it's too difficult. It's too much fucking work. Take out the fucks. All right? And then that's it. And then you just let them say what they're gonna say and cry and do and go carry on and do all of that shit, but you do not go back in. Do not go back in the house. Is it? It's over. It's a wrap. But you know, that's it. And then just know that women need to like turn over every fucking stone and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they're gonna get mad and they're gonna

get angry and they're gonna say mean shit to you, and you just sit there and take it. And as they say that mean shit, and they bring up your family, or whatever the fuck they're gonna do, you just sit there in your head going like, ah, this is the last time I have to hear this. This is, this is it.

No more looking at your dumb face. This is it. Same thing with the ladies. With the ladies. Oh my God. What's it like when gay people break up? When gay guys break up, is it really quick? Yeah, I don't want to do it either. It's just fucking over. And does a lesbian breakup take months? Or is it the other way around? Are the lesbians more dude-ish, you know? More guy vibe? Or is that just a stereotype? I don't know.

Hey gay people! Hey! Fucking write in! Tell me how the... tell me all the breakups. That's actually... I can... I don't even need you to. I just thought about that. There's some really dramatic straight guys fucking going around, you know, woman breaks up with them next thing you know. They're sitting down eating mac and cheese. They look out their bay window and the guy's standing there in the bushes. I thought I told you to get out of here. All right. Lady listener here.

Okay. So we were talking about haircuts on this podcast. This bald guy. Somehow I'm talking about haircuts. They were talking about how there was this guy, his wife was sitting there with their friends. This is like page one, don't do this as a husband. Okay?

And his wife has a bunch of friends over, right? So what's your job? Your job's to act like she married a really cool, nice, sweet guy that's gonna go fetch shit for her. That's what you do. You both know it's a lie, but you know, it makes her look good in front of her friends. And her friends know you're putting on a show. But just the fact that you're putting on a show,

they know that you love her enough to lie to all of them. It's weird. It's how their brains work, I think. These are all just guesses, all right? they know that you love her enough to lie to all of them. It's weird. It's how their brains work, I think. These are all just guesses. All right? By the way, I'm sick of people looking shit up on the internet and acting like they found the answer.

Okay? No matter what thought you have, there is a website at this point that will agree with it. Okay? What do you want your world to be? You want it to be round? You want it to be flat? You want it to be a cereal bowl?

You want it to be shaped like a fucking graduated cylinder? There's a fucking website that will agree with you! You haven't proved anything! There's no rules of libel or slander. There's no degree that you have to get. What the fuck was that guy just doing? Jesus Christ, I almost fucking drove right in the back of my car. Yeah, you can just post whatever you want to post. So anyway, this guy goes up, right? He's got his wife's over at their house with the friends and they were bitching about how

much it cost for them to get their hair done and how men have it easier, you know, the usual woman thing. Men have it easier. We literally die before you do. Well, that's because your fault. All right, lady listener, haircut blowback high bill. Also people have been weighing in on this thing about like, well guys get their hair cut more frequently,

de de de de de, black guys go to the barber shop like every seven to 10 days, there's a lot of variables, like analytics people would love this. So a lady listener's writing in, love when the ladies write in. Lady listener here living in LA, hairstylists are getting absolutely out of control with their pricing here.

The last time I got it done in the city, it was 450 bucks for highlights, no cut. Plus they expect a 20% tip. So that's, let's see, 20 on the 100, that's 80 bucks. 90 bucks. So that is a $540 haircut, just to fucking have your hair be a little sun kissed. The craziest part is these days, a blow dry doesn't even come with the service.

Yeah, that's all corporate decisions, just trying to make more money and more money and more money. That was an extra $60. So I had to walk out with sopping long wet hair shivering not even knowing how the color turned out. Are you fucking kidding me? I swear to God, the way that businesses treat their customers, there is no fucking way. If I ran an old Billy's hair salon, right? Billy highlights, Billy blow dry.

There is no fucking way I would do that. No fucking way. I'd have nice chill fucking lady vibes going on and they'd all be pampered like a bunch of fucking queens like they want to be and then they'd be psyched and they would come back and whatever fucking money I was saving by not blow drying their hair. You know, I would make tenfold by word of mouth. They just they don't fucking get it. All right. Anyway, the person goes on. In the last few months, there has been a trend

of hairdressers complaining on TikTok, wondering why they are no longer booked and busy. Their complaining has led to a huge response from women explaining to what I just laid out for you. Well, good for you guys. Fuck those assholes. They overcharge and take advantage of the fact that unless you want to go to supercuts, you're going to have to pay a car payments worth just to get a job done.

I don't feel bad for them not being booked, and the past few years I found it was cheaper to get it done when I visit my husband's hometown a couple times a year. They do a better job in a shorter time, and I get to hear a bunch of women drop their Rs. Oh, they're in Boston. Merry Christmas, Bill. That's great. Yeah, I don't understand, like, um...

These fucking corporate people, they can't just make money off of a customer. They have to fuck them. They're not happy unless they're balls deep in you and they just fucked you and got all your fucking information. I'm telling you, it was inevitable. What happened to that guy in New York, it was fucking inevitable.

You can't push people like that. And then you get, all you need is one fucking, you know, the reason why you don't walk down the street talking shit is you're gonna run to a person who doesn't give a fuck forget about crazy people so if you're going around treat if you're going around treating people sorry had a cigar which by the way first the year I'm going another hundred days which means I've been smoking like a fucking chimney anyway Anyway, if you're going to treat people like that, eventually you're going to do it to somebody who is a little mentally unstable or just does not

give a fuck and that shit's going to happen. All right, worse than the Santa lie. All right, hey, okay, talking about like, I hate the whole Santa Claus lie. It's getting worse every year. I told you, my daughter was fucking squeezing me for the information. I literally felt like I was in a mob family wearing a wire this morning, making pancakes. And by the way, I wanted to make blueberry pancakes. Nobody wanted fucking blueberry pancakes. So I said, fine, I'll just make blueberry for myself.

And this is the deal. If you're gonna do blueberry pancakes, the blueberries have to be in the batter. You can't pour the pancake in and then put the fucking blueberries on top because then when you flip it over you have a house On stilts it just doesn't fucking work It doesn't taste as good and then also you want the organic blueberries the ones that are size You know of like I got like a little pebble. You know what those fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger Roided up ones. They're too much. It's too much Okay, The blueberry complements the pancake. It does not overtake the pancake. So, um, but I had to drop them in. Boots on the ground in the pan. It was fucking terrible. Flipping

the pancake over and it's fucking, you know, looking like a fat guy's hiding between mattresses. Anyway, Worst than the Santa lie. Hey Billy Frosted Fruit. I get what you're saying about the whole Santa thing, but I never had a problem with my kids finding out eventually and being mad at us. I've got three kids and they all had fun talking about Santa and leaving cookies out. I think what's way worse is the trend of parents filming themselves the day after Halloween telling their kids that they ate all their candy. Yeah, I don't like that either. That's terrible. I don't get that.

Making your kids cry on purpose. I don't understand that. That happened to me a lot as a kid. If you want to raise a child to become an angry adult, do that to them. The parents are stone cold and keep the lie going until the kids start to cry. It's so fucked up because the parents laugh at it. I think it started on a late night show and of course people would do anything to get their stupid videos on

TV. Well yeah, that also happened on America's Funniest Home Videos where rather than preventing your kid from getting hit in the head by something, you continued to film it because all of a sudden your kid getting CTE was now worth $10,000. Anyway, it's such a wild thing to me to get joy out of watching kids cry. Yeah, it's just candy, but the idea that your kid is looking up at you as you laugh and enjoy their pain is so fucked up. Merry Christmas, you beautiful bastard.

All right, that was good. That was a very female argument though, where you were like, I don't think it's such a big deal, but what about this? They're both fucked up. Both of those things are fucked up. But I guess the kids have more fun believing until they realize that you're a liar. Although I never looked at it that way. I personally didn't look at it that way.

I just felt like, cool, I know something my younger siblings don't know. That made me feel like an adult. I didn't give a shit, as long as there were still gifts. Anyway, daughter's Christmas school play. Dear Billy buried his bad shit. I wish that was true. Fellow old dad here, 52 with a six-year-old. Today she froze on stage at her school Christmas play. She had the starting line for the scene, but nothing came out. About a hundred parents looking up from the phone screens.

They are filming and my little girl stares out unmoving. The teacher came up and helped her with her line, and the play puttered on. At dinner tonight, my wife and I asked her, but she didn't want to talk about it. I think that the best way for her to deal with this scenario would be to laugh about it. I don't want her to suppress it. So you may or may not agree, I'd be interested in your take on it, but more so I was wondering how can I make my little girl laugh about? Something that is likely a sensitive issue with you any tips funny guy Thanks, and keep up with the stretching and gym stuff if you stretch enough. You might just be able to go suck yourself

Merry Christmas to you and your family um yeah, I find with sensitive things like that, I'm not a fucking therapist, so take this for what it's worth. What I do is I talk about myself when something like that happened to me. He just heard that was real me going, oh no, okay, I thought I accidentally deleted it. Somebody just called me. I have it on fucking the airplane mode. So I was going back in my library to make sure I still had it. I was like, oh no, okay, good. Oh Jesus.

Yeah, I just sort of like, you know, when one of my kids was nervous about the whole, you know, they had some sort of performance thing or, you know, I just talk about like, I would just say, hey, you know, I did a show tonight. And you know, oh, yeah, cool. I said, yeah, you know, I've been kind of nervous before I went up there. And then they just see him look up. And I just told the story about how nervous I was when I went out there. And I feel like it's, at their age, it's better for them to hear, it's better for them to

feel like, oh, I'm not the only one that feels this way, rather than looking at the game film and trying to get them to laugh at messing up. I think it's really hard for young kids to laugh at their mistakes because they're so wanting to be part of the group and all of that type of stuff. My daughter one time was, she's really smart, right? So by the time she was like four, she was talking about her happy brain and her sad brain. And I was like,

wow. So she gets like melancholy and sometimes feeling a little depressed or whatever. So I just put that in the bank and I just waited a few days. And you know, it's just one day we were just hanging out talking and I told her that I was a little bit sad earlier in the day. And she said, you were sad? Like she literally looked at me and I said, yeah, I was. She said, why? I said, oh, you know, I don't know.

I was just thinking about some friends of mine that I haven't seen in a while and it was making me feel sad. And you know, but then I thought about you guys and that made me more happy but it was okay You know I said made it okay to be sad. So whatever so with this thing, I think when your kids are younger It's it's a really It's much better. I thought I've had much better results Talking to them about when I was in the same situation and you know Things didn't work out so I

Would just tell her a story about going up in front of the class telling a book report and how nervous you were and all the things that you did, but then I got through it and you know and now I actually the more I did it the more I liked going up in front of people and you know, and now now I actually enjoy doing it. So it's not like a negative thing. And in being nervous is like totally normal or whatever. I would definitely go that route as opposed to trying to get them to like sort of laugh and shake off their you know know, whatever just happened. Because like, and I would even let it go for a couple of days.

You know what I mean? Because there is that thing as a parent where, you know, you know how big and painful those things are to you when you were a kid. So just your parental instinct to try and protect them. It's like you can't and you want to fast forward through growing pains. They have to go through them. So you have to just like sort of let it happen, be there for them. And you know, there's ways you can sort of nudge them towards the information that'll make them feel better. But they have to go through it and being embarrassed. I mean, that that what happened to that her at that play one day, it's just going to be a funny story she's going to tell when she gets

older. It just sucks for her right now. But you know, that's you know, it's like watching your team, they fucking lose and they lose and then they finally win a championship. And what makes it so great is the fact that the all of those losses, the satisfaction is even better. So I guess that would be my advice. That's what I've been doing is I just try to like, when it feels like the time is right and it doesn't feel forced,

I'll just sort of talk about being sad, being embarrassed, being messing up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I fucking, I still mess up all the time. I'll tell them shit like that. I'll do a monologue on SNL and I forget a joke. Oh my God, how did I forget to do that part of the joke? And then I'm just like, you know,

I'm just old enough now to be like, well, I'm not gonna dwell on that. People don't know that I missed a joke. I still had a great fucking time. And who gives a fuck, I got to do SNL. I missed a joke, nobody cares. So anyway, I hope that helps. Cunty's sister-in-law, hey there bald Billy butternuts.

My phone's down to 10% by the way. Love the podcast, never miss an episode. It's the holiday season, dooby dooby doo. And as you know, Christmas is less about presents, food and decorations and more about having to deal with the family cuntiness and feeling obligated to let shit slide. Listen, don't hit me with the as you know, okay? You tell me what you know and I'll let you know if I feel like I know the same thing. I don't like when people like, you know,

and I don't have to tell you that you fucking agree with me. This person says, my wife's sister usually comes up to stay with us in Boston from Florida. Over the years, I've had to deal with her selfish, lazy, annoying, self-centered attitude. Isn't that fucking, the amount of fucking people, the amount of fucking people, now I do agree with you, that can just come up and just fucking ruin it. Like that's their job. You know what I mean? Then you just want to be like that right there is that's

why you're alone. That's why you've been divorced six times. You want it but you can't say it. You can't say it. It's fucking unreal. It's unreal. I think there's like a big thing that, you know, as you get older, you just cut those people out. Like right now, you know, I don't have anybody like that in my life. Like I'd have to go back years and years and years and years ago to different relationships when I used to just fucking tolerate that stuff. And it's literally like they come in and they just ruin your fucking holiday. Anyway, he said, my wife's sister usually comes,

blah, blah, blah, to stay. She's always late making us wait for her and when we've got shit to do, she never picks up after herself and leaves half full glasses of water in every fucking room like she's preparing for a goddamn alien invasion parentheses the film signs reference i never saw that she's in her early 40s never been married yep has a new boyfriend every year and wonder why she can't keep a man for more than a few months

so that's that's that's where i take that's where i just get calm i'm just like it as much as she's annoying the shit out of me Her life is her punishment. I don't need to put any energy into this this year She's dating a mid-50s dude who spends half his time in Florida and the other half in Rhode Island Yeah with his real family. He buys her shit spoils her rotten takes her on his boat You know the drill the problem is the fucking guy is married with kids. Oh, I nailed it. He says he's separated, but when he's in Rhode Island, he's with his family. Both my wife and I do not even want to meet

this fucking clown. It'd be one thing if he had filed for divorce and was, you know, actually separated. Wow, dude, that guy's living life on the edge. She doesn't take pictures of them and post it? He tells my sis-in-law it's because of financial reasons, but the guy still goes home to Rhode Island. He recently had a surgery on his hip or some shit in his home with his family,

so she's feeling sad that she hasn't seen him in a while. My wife and I... I bet he didn't even have hip surgery. That's probably his pussy way of breaking up with her. My wife and I are taking our nine year old son to Florida for winter break. And her sister's mentioned that we could all go out on this boat together.

Fuck that. Yes, fuck that. And that's an easy boundary to put up. I don't wanna be a part of that. I don't want my kids to see that. I don't want our kids to see that. Anyway, I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want my kids to see that. I don't want our kids to see that. Anyway, I don't want my family exposed to some guy who's using my sis-in-law some side piece of ass. Yes, exactly. Like I said before, she's coming

up for the week of Christmas and I'm afraid she's going to want to bring this ass hat into my house. My wife said she's going to talk to her and I'm Am I being a total prick? Not at all Not at all Not at all. You got kids fuck that Fuck that you're not having this fucking gigolo coming in With his fucking tanned up old man chest with his white chest hair coming in there walking like fucking white chest hair coming in there, walking like fucking Colin Farrell on The Penguin. You don't need that.

I mean, it's not like she's going to meet his friends and family. Just thought I'd get you two cents on the situation. Merry Christmas and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I think it's really easy to say she's in a really unhealthy relationship and I think we have a great relationship and that's the kind of relationship I want our kids to see. I don't want them to see some guy who's out there philandering and showing that it's okay to have side push because you have a boat in Florida. Just say it a little nicer than that. Phil Collins documentary.

Whoo! Billy drummer boy. I wanted to make sure you catch the new Phil Collins documentary. I would love to see it. Phil Collins. you catch the new Phil Collins documentary. I would love to see it. Phil Collins, drummer first, now on YouTube. It's a two hour retrospective of his career. I'm all over this. Covering his journey from humble beginnings to his work with Genesis brand X. Brutally underrated album that I have. Came out and I don't know how many he did, but I only have one album came out in 75 or 76 and he is fucking murdering. The film is hosted by his son Nick making it a full circle father son bonding moment and includes insights from greats like Chad Smith. I've met him at a couple of benefits. That dude is one of the most funnest dudes ever to hang out with.

Just great energy. Mike Portnoy, Brandealer, sorry if I said that name wrong. Jonathan Moffat, Matt Cameron, oh wow, and more. I really see, oh you know what? I never thought about that. I see a little Phil Collins and Matt Cameron stuff. Dude, his stuff with Soundgarden is just, the parts that he came up for those songs,

it's just next level. Anyway, it's a must watch for drum nerds such as yourself, filled with incredible stories and respect for Phil's legacy. You're sure to enjoy happy holidays to your wonderful family. You, however, can go fuck yourself. I'll definitely check that out. And I gotta go get some stocking stuffers,

so I gotta cut this a little short. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. If you don't do anything happy doing that Thank you guys so much another year support me listening to the podcast coming to my shows Watching my shit on the social medias I can't thank you guys enough and I hope to see you guys all out there when I do the Broadway play next year. I got a big year next year, a play. I'm gonna shoot another movie, our follow-up, me and Ben Tishler's follow-up.

It's not of old dads, but we're just doing another funny movie. And in between that, I'm gonna be doing some stand updates with the new hour. I can't wait. You guys are the best. However, go fuck yourselves. Have a great Christmas.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.