Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-23

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

Bill rambles about Christmas Day, having a back-up plan for your dreams, and realizing you're the asshole. www.billburr.com/TOUR

Give the gift of a new ride this yuletide a Bobcat compact tractor makes a perfect gift for the holidays Get a free loader or 0% financing for 84 months through December 31st Jingle all the way to Bobcat of Toronto and Brampton today Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday December 25th podcast from Monday, December 25th, 2023. What's going on? How why? Yeah. How's it going? I'm actually recording us on Tuesday, December 26th, the day after Christmas, your boss called you in, you went to work because he has you by the bulls. You think about killing him,

stuffing him in the fucking dumpster. But you know that you will get caught, but imagine the freedom for 25 to 30 minutes before the cop show up. Then you wonder, what do I do now? I can't do time in prison. I'll get fucked in the ester in the arraignment. So you grab a fucking broomstick and you run at the cops Later on it's declared suicide by police officer. All right, anyways, that's dark. It's the day after Christmas Some people like it some people don't I Had a little bit of the high and a little bit of the holiday blues

You know you start going to the same holiday parties every year, people are getting older, empty nesters, fucking, you know, start looking around the party, a couple old people, you're like, eh, I wonder if this is their last Christmas party, right? And then you go like, what am I doing? What am I doing? Egg milk, it's be happy.

Let's be happy. I'm one of those weirdos that I get elated after. I mean, I love the holidays for my kids, but like after the holidays, like now I feel like this is finally a vacation because you know, you get all the fucking Christmas parties, you gotta see everybody, you gotta call everybody, you gotta send cards, you gotta FaceTime,

you gotta day, you gotta be a- you gotta see, you gotta be a- hold not the thing you got to send cards, you got to FaceTime, you got to say, you got to say, hold on, that's the thing you got, right? And this really is like the one time a year where everybody just kind of shuts it down. Even the fucking sociopaths that just drive the population the whole fucking year to work a little longer, a little harder for a little less. So every quarter they can show that they're continuing to make a profit.

Uh, a little fucking Billy Jim bought, dude. I'm turning the fucking corner. I don't have any desserts. Essentially this whole year. I had a couple, two or three here or there, went off the rails a little bit, went ahead some butterscotch putting at this fancy fucking restaurant,

even though I just wanted to Swiss miss, I did that back in August, and that fucked me up for like a month until I got it back under control, but I didn't mess with anything. And I'm feeling good. I didn't mess with anything and Feeling good. I didn't put on the holiday pounds. I'm actually taking Weight off and I know what you guys are thinking. You're probably thinking Bill. How are you doing it? I'm doing it the same way Everybody in Hollywood's doing it right? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Zampak

Is that a pain in my pantry? Yes Is that a pain in my pantry? Yes! If you don't know the O'Reilly auto parts song, that joke didn't make any sense as far as like the melody. No, they actually O-O-O-O-Zampic. Guys, don't take that shit. All right, there's only one way to lose weight. Suffer. That's the safest and healthiest fucking way to do it.

If you're in the fucking bathroom stall like a goddamn junkie, you know, sitting in your bathroom stall, fucking shooting up like your cid or fucking Nancy, you're not in a punk band, right? You're not gonna kill your girlfriend and then commit suicide. You just had too many burgers. All right, start the day off.

Rub one out. No, start the day off. Start the day off. Room temperature lemon juice. You drank that shit, right? I'd go brush my teeth too, because the lemon every day that'll eat away the enamel drink that shit, right? I'd go brush my teeth too, because the lemon every day, that'll eat away the enamel of your teeth, right?

Which is basically the point I'm making here. You can't have your cake and eat it, literally. You're not gonna go around eating fucking pork chops in a slice of cake and then just go shoot yourself, you know, in the thigh, or whatever, in the thigh gap that you want. And then you're gonna drop weight, you know, in the thigh or whatever, in the thigh gap that you want. And then you're gonna drop weight, you know, because I don't have an appetite.

Now there's something fucked up about that, all right? You have to suffer. Suffer, you have to suffer. Like Jesus on the cross, except you do it on an elliptical and you're not nailed to it. You can get off it after 30 minutes, all right? So no matter how much an elliptical and you're not nailed to it, you can get off it after 30 minutes. All right. So no matter how much the elliptical sucks or eating a salad sucks, you know, you're not nailed to a piece of wood. I mean, if that ever happened, right? You know, I saw

this thing recently on Instagram because I don't read, you know, we need to normalize not reading. Um, anyway, I was watching this video and it was this really smart guy talking about fucking his, you know, knowledge of the universe and the outer space and all of that shit. Right? No, it was not Neil deGrasse Tyson. universe in the outer space and all of that shit, right? No, it was not Neil deGrasse Tyson, who I still maintain is an average scientist, okay? Until I see that guy talk to another scientist and make that guy go, wow, Neil,

I never thought of that before. Other than that, he's just explaining the universe to shitheads like me. And of course we're gonna be impressed. That's like if you don't play any musical instrument and somebody comes over to your house, picks up a ukulele and goes, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun

You're gonna have an ear to ear grin like, oh my god. Did Eddie Van Halen just come back from the dead and pick up a ukulele in my fucking for you right but if you be you know i'm just saying i want to see that guy impress another scientist anyway so this was some other guy.

Okay, sort of an indie scientist. He's not where Neil deGrasse is like a fucking pop scientist. You know what I mean? He's selling out the staple set up, right? Talking about, I thought, do this and I add salt. Yeah, it's gonna foam up and we're all like, wow! Woo! It's he magic?

I thought David Blaine was amazing. Holy shit. So this guy's explaining the fucking universe and then understanding the universe on the level that he did. He was talking about how he perceives humanity on the planet earth. It was very small, insignificant that we were like,

basically these fucking, I don't know, like maggots on a plum or something. He didn't say maggots, he wasn't like insulting but I can't remember what he said because I'm not smart, right? So of course, every all the fucking Jesus freaks and religious fanatics can't fucking handle this information. So they immediately have to say, you know, they throw this quote in there that some scientist

said. Then he said, when you, once you get into science, science, who's basically comparing it to like a cup of coffee, he said, your first sip of it, you immediately become an atheist. And he said, but at the bottom of the cup is God. So all of these Jesus freaks are all fucking love in that quote. But it's like, hey, hey, he said God. He didn't say organized religion. He didn't say your religion. That's just a bunch of shit that the maggots on the plum came up with Right and how how's that been working out? Wars torture

Rape right is the bottom of The of the cup when you find fucking God that's nailing some hippie to a fucking Stake whatever hell they did. I don't think it is. Is that having wars with other fucking people? Because how I built, we get it. We get it. That's all I'm saying. It's just fucking annoys me. We fucking annoys me. These organized religion fucking idiots walking around so goddamn scared that they're gonna die someday. It's like, dude, what are you afraid? You're dead. If you're laying there dead, going, oh my God, I'm dead, you're still alive.

Anyway, listen, I don't pretend to know things like Neil deGrasse Tyson. Okay, I'm just a fellow here who's just trying to enjoy the fact that my New England Patriots with fucking Zappy drove down the field at the end of the game when everyone thought it was going into OT with injuries at all three levels of our defense are best guys out. Old fucking jappy drives us down the goddamn field. Beautiful back shoulder fucking pass. Avoiding a rush throwing it over the middle. Next thing you know, we're in field goal position. The kick is up.

The kick is good. Go fuck yourself. Bill Bella check takes another step towards Don Schule. And that record. And that's what the fuck he wants. Jesus Christ. The amount of people calling for his job. Don Schule coached for like another, I don't know how many fucking years. Let's see. He coached like into the early 90s. He almost coached for another 20 years after his last Super Bowl. But then again, there wasn't social media.

Social media, I call it anti-social media. Fucking bills burned me. What about the charges? They should have community service, cleaning up the fucking highways for one weekend for that complete lack of effort that they put in against the raters. And then the next okay, they achieved what they wanted to do, get rid of their fucking coach. They literally played flag football on a nationally televised game.

They were like down like 42 to nothing at the fucking half and they got rid of their coach. And then this week, right? They fucking show up. Because oh, Billy Redface took the fucking bills, lay in like fucking 10 and a half or something crazy. And then they show up because they don't want to get kicked off the team. Now they decide to play. Can you imagine the charges coach on fucking Christmas weekend?

Well, he was standing there there in his underwear, right? Probably has charger underwear, you know, he hasn't had time to go shopping. He's just trying to figure out like, what the fuck happened. He's standing there in his charger. Oh yeah, there it is. Now you're fucking trying.

See, this is a team I put together. It's a fucking team I put together. Congratulations to the Lions, winning their first division in 30 fucking years. Incredible. The Steelers continuing to beat up the Bengals, no matter what the fuck their situation is. These are you get the browns actually, I'm going to be honest. Shout out to the Packers, fucking me.

Had you guys three and a half. You can't beat the Lollipanthers by Panthers by three and a half he can't beat the lowly panthers by panthers panthers by three and a half got fucked on that one how about the cowboys? the cowboys now were they exposed by the buffalo bills? these are the questions that I asked myself rather than being concerned about bigger things um... Did I hear people that were pro-Palestine shut down O'Hare airport on Christmas? I mean, who organized that, the Israelis? That's going to be the dumbest thing you could ever do to get people to get on your side. Why couldn't you be protesting

to free Palestine while helping people with their luggage into the airport? That's like these fucking hairy-legged ladies, whatever they get upset. What do they do? They sit there fat asses down in the fucking traffic. Jesus Christ, 20 minutes of that, you're ready to legalize hitting women again. I've never understood protesting like that. That doesn't, like I'm gonna completely fucking inconvenience you. How about the Ravens showing that defense

still wins championships? All those 49er fans, you know, they're skipping around out there in that fucking football stadium they have. I swear to God, it looks like a vintage roller coaster, you know. I had the 49ers this week. I had the Giants, the Giants saved my fucking ass. How about the dolphins finally beating the good team for the first time this year? You know, shout out to Nick Crowley, did a great job, he had a great game plan for the dolphins. All right, let's get on with the podcast here, people.

Let's get on to what the fuck it is I want to talk about this week, which is what, basically? Fucking chiefs lose. I love everybody. They're so excited that the chiefs lose. Shout out to chiefs fans, you know, you win a couple of Super Bowls all of a sudden everybody just fucking hates you just cuz you're winning That's like I'm telling you that's what I'm living now. Like we fucking sucked and everybody's like you fucking suck, right? Then we get bill par cells and like you still didn't win it, you fucking suck, right? And then we win six out of nine super bowls and during that time, what do people say? You cheated.

Now that that's over, it's fucked those six Super Bowls. What are you doing now, you suck. What? Hahaha. So chiefs, that's what's gonna happen. I would never count the chiefs out. I don't know how many times I've seen them during this time that they've been good,

which I'm sure they're labeling as a dynasty, which is ridiculous, because they're not a dynasty. You know, during this run where they are the team to knock off in the AFC, I can't tell you how many times they had a couple of losses in the regular season, everybody's, oh, Jesus, the end, you're stupid to do patrick my home is the fucking overrated. Now, they're still gonna be a problem in the playoffs. They just are because their quarterback is better than your quarterback.

Sorry, all right. I think he's the best guy in the EFC. Oh, by the way, what happened to fucking, what happened to Brock Pertie? I bought into that hype. I bet against the fucking 49ers not to cover the spread. Three fucking weeks in a row and you know what's gonna happen. This is like playing fucking roulette.

Red, red, red, all right, fuck it, black, red. Lose it, that's what happened to me. And I started buying into this Brock Purdy hype. A day, look at his job. I mean, he's letting the ball go before the receiver makes his cut It's like isn't that what they all do isn't that what the fuck you turn around as an NFL receiver the fucking balls right there I thought that's what all the great ones did so I sat there and I believed that there was another great party Okay up until then there was Bernard party and then there was everybody else

And I was like well maybe maybe Brock Pur, maybe he's our white Bernard Purdy. For those of you who don't play drums, Bernard Purdy is one of the greatest drummers of all time, one of the sickest grooves of all time. And he also claims that he played on some of the Beatles albums, which I don't believe because there's a consistency in all of that playing. It's all Ringo's voice. So unless he's the greatest impressionist on drums ever, I just don't, I don't think so.

But then again, who knows? Maybe they put a mop top fucking fab, fab four wig on him and he was able to channel it. I don't know. I have no idea. So anyway, O'Freckles, O'Freckles, he's doing great with something I have not been good at for 20 years.

Moderation. Or as my mother says, everything in moderation, she would always yell that. Sorry, dropped the fucking mic here. She would always yell that over's alright drop the fucking mic here. She would always yell that Over everybody at the holiday parties and I you know, I'm drinking too My I got to lay off the cigarettes and blah blah, you know really loud chatter and then she would yell over the side Everything in moderation

And after a while we would we would And after a while, we would finish the sentence with her in my adoration and she would just laugh. And guess what? She was right. She was right. So I've been able to go back to drinking coffee and only having one cup a day. I have one cappuccino and I have it at my house because I think I make the best one in town. All right, talking a lot of shit, but I figured out my coffee machine and I like sitting out on my back porch, you know, plotting my next move. Kidding, that's the fucking picture I hate the

most is, you know, when they when they're shooting somebody that's in the public eye and they do that thing where they're, what is, you know, they're sitting down and it's like they have, like, the hand is always near their face, you know, and they're never looking at the camera, they're looking to the future, you know? They go like that, fucking like, yeah, man.

I mean, I like conquered everything, like, what's my next challenge? Oh, by the way, I fucking stumbled on it with a couple of things. Oh, and cigars, I've not had a cigar since Thanksgiving, like 33 fucking days ago, but I'm having one this afternoon with the buddy mine and then I'm gonna have one at the Rose Bowl.

And I'm only having one today and one then, and then I'm shutting it down until the Super Bowl. All right, and then I think I'm going to shut it down again until like April. I'm going to try to do like maybe one a month, or one every other month. And just really enjoy it because I've found that having one cup of coffee a day,

I enjoy it more. And if I randomly take like two days off and then have that cappuccino, oh, it tastes unbelievable. But I'll tell you, randomly take like two days off and then have that cappuccino. Oh, it tastes unbelievable, but I'll tell you, this might surprise you guys. If you drink for every day, you can't fucking taste it anymore. So my new obsession, since I saw that Kojak episode,

as I was calling it the Denali Ferrari, not the Deno, the Denali, like a fucking GMC. I can't help it. I'm a truck guy, right? And I'm an American and I'm not cultured when it comes to European sports cars. The Deno Ferrari in silver. They made it, I don't know how, like from like 69 to 74 or something like that, it was a mid-engine V6 was not actually considered a real Ferrari. They are fucking gorgeous. So I look one up and I go, you know what, what if I just bought one? I drove it for a year, enjoyed it. So I know the car, I know what it feels like, I know what it's like to drive the car, be fucking amazing. And then I just sell it. And I started thinking like, well, maybe that's what I do. it feels like, I know what it's like to drive the car, be fucking amazing. And then I just sell it. And I started thinking, well, maybe that's what I do.

Why don't I just buy a classic car every year? I know I'd always lose money, you drive it for one year, and then you sell it before it really gets a chance to take root. And I mean, fucking, everything from a fucking old school Ferrari to like a Bua Grand National. I mean, I love the 83 cutless personally. Like some of the 80s cars that I always loved, Thunderbird Turbo Coupe, right? 87 in silver. Not a lot of cars in the 80s. What else? You know, I'm really starting like the mopar shit.

I was never a mopar guy. But anyway, Ford Galaxy 65 Riv, a fucking, uh, Boatail Riviera, you know, 67 Cadillac Elder Rotto. Just fucking, just driving for a year. You sell them, you lose a bit of fucking money. Is anybody out there doing that? Cause I don't want to be this guy that has like fucking, you lose a bit of fucking money. Is anybody out there doing that? Cause I don't wanna be this guy that has like fucking, you know, a bunch of fucking cars.

And they're all gonna leak and they're all a fucking pain in the ass, but like I love them. There are a few places out here where you can just rent them. I think I'm just gonna do that. Like once a month, you rent one, you have it for the weekend. It's fucking amazing. And the door doesn't quite close, right? But who gives a fuck? Because you're giving it back on Sunday, right? People, I'm just thinking out loud here. Um, it was something else though. I did want to talk about

before that is, uh, get round up. Oh, yeah. Someone was telling me that these fast food places finally have to fucking admit that they're using round up and they're fucking fertilizers and shit. Well, I don't know. I don't know. That shit is like age and orange for civilians still still using it. So I don't know what to do, man. I saw this thing where it was saying that you could fucking use bacon soda on all your fruits and vegetables to get the pesticides off it. Which pesticides, I think, are they necessary?

I would think so to try to keep all of these people alive. I don't know. Then you see these other people. You just take a little bit toothpaste and some lemon juice and you create this mixture, you just go out and you paint your plants and it's fucking fun. Which I think works good for a backyard garden. But if you're commercial farming,

you know, that's a lot of toothbrushes, no? All right, build a grass Tyson needs to shut the fuck up. I really have no idea. I mean, for at least the last seven minutes, I've had no idea what I'm talking about. You know, but it's the day after Christmas. I did real well on Christmas. I did, you know, I got some nice sweaters.

This is all dead shit. And then I got a new snare drum and I got a snazzy jacket. I mean, that's enough for me, you know. Jacket, I got some underwear. The older you get, the more you appreciate new underwear and socks, new socks. New socks, you show up to work, you know, that chick you want to bang is like, what's going on with you?

What'd you do this weekend? And then you play at Koi, what'd you like to know, right? And next thing you know, you're banging her, right? You bent her over the hood of her own car and you're banging around the parking lot and you can't figure out what feels better. Banging her or those new socks on your fucking feet. It's a push. Anyway, Christmas went off without a hitch. We got all the presents down there and we did all that. All right, I'm back.

I don't know what just happened. I always forget to put it on airplane mode when I'm recording here. So anyway, yeah, the Christmas went off without a hitch. Fantastic. Kids loved their gifts. They were ridiculously excited. And I didn't put them through. We used to do this thing in, when I was growing up, like one year, my siblings, we got up

and we fucking went downstairs. I was at upstairs, I can't remember. I can't remember, but probably upstairs. Yeah, we went upstairs. Hey, we moved around a lot, okay? And we just opened all the fucking gifts really quickly. And my parents were like, what the fuck? We did all of that work.

And it's over in two seconds. So then they started doing this thing. You can't open them until after we have breakfast. And then it was, we have to go to church, and then we're gonna have breakfast, and then they would just sit there, and they'd have their fucking coffee, and just enjoy just torturing us,

just torturing us. Well, like Jesus, fucking Christ. And they're like, not yet. We're having our coffee. You know what I mean? I'm telling you, they got off on it. So now I go the other way. I'm sort of a little bit like, I'm the one I definitely go like, hey, one present in a time so everyone can see what you got. And, you know, and also we can see who gave who what? So in the end, when you got to do all the facetime shit, you know, you don't say like the wrong thing. And still this year somebody called up and said,

Hey, how did your son enjoy the gift I got? I said, I don't know, man,? I got I said I don't know man What did you get? I don't know I have no idea like 90 people send this fucking shit. I got a bunch of relatives I don't know and then they described it. Oh, yes, they loved it and then we ended it and then that was it and everything went fine Everything went fine um Oh god dammit now I got the fucking thing off and I can't go to check my emails to read the uh Everything went fine. Oh, God damn it. Now I got the fucking thing off and I can't go to check my emails to read the, uh,

to read the goddamn advertising for the week, right? So now I got to take this off. Technology, does it make your life easier? Yes, in certain areas. I would think so. I have no idea. I don't know what I'm talking about here. All right, here we go. Oh, MMP content. Oh, there it is. There it is. Would you look at that? Wait, do I have no reads for the week? Oh, my God. I gotta stop fucking around. I really have to stop fucking around when I'm doing the advertising. I got to do

some more straight reads. No offense to gay people. I got to do more straight reads because I keep getting fucking in trouble. You know, it's not that. I just felt he was suggesting. All right, let's do the fucking, let's do the advert ad reads. The ad reads, lolly, lolly, lolly, get your ad reads here. All right, MMP content 1224. Bill, good emails inbox was a little light this week, so there are only three. Oh, Jesus, what are you guys out there celebrating

fucking Christmas? Is that what it is? All right, let's read him, okay. All right, you guys, you guys not gonna send me emails. It's gonna be a fucking short podcast. On the necessity of starving. Hey, scrotum dome. I resent that.

I have a nice fucking head. I don't have a fucking wrinkly ball bag of a head. My neck's getting there though. I wanted to get your advice or your perspective on something. I am an artist slash performer, but I have a nice day job. Oh, that's a rough situation. And often other performers in my field will look down on me because I'm not doing the starving artist thing.

In some cases, other artists have taken, even taken a sharpie and drawn on my car. Well, you know what? You need better friends. Well, you never said they were friends, they're just artists. Well, you never said they were friends, they're just artists. Well, fuck them. Fuck them. But that's the people at idiots. That there's only one way to do things, the way I'm doing things. Don't fucking listen. Don't even listen to me. Unless one I'm saying to you resonates and fucking makes sense. Fuck those people. Do that as the biggest fucking

bitch move in the fucking world is when you have a problem with another fucking man and you go up and instead of confronting them, you vandalize their fucking car. That is such a bitch fucking move. If you don't believe me, there's a zillion videos of guys showing ex-girlfriends destroying their fucking cars. I love when they do that shit.

When women destroy guys' cars, or their property, their apartments and stuff, you know, that's actually a great sign. Because what she's saying is that, you know, that's how much she values stuff. You know what I mean? So she was gonna fucking one way or another. She values stuff. You know what I mean? So she was gonna fucking, one way or another, she was gonna cost you a ton of money.

So you might as well rip the bandaid off. You know, I look forward to a future where women are actually charged with destruction of property. Regarde, oh, we cheated on me. Great, that doesn't mean you get to wreck a fucking $40,000 car because you're upset. Why don't you take a little bit of responsibility and fucking take it on yourself that you were dating an asshole. There's plenty of nice guys that like you.

You didn't like them. You tried to land the guy with the fancy fucking car that like you, you didn't like them, you tried to land the guy with the fancy fucking car that smelled good, that all the women wanted to bang, and guess what? You found out you were just another notch in the bedpost. Lesson learned. Go find a nice guy. That's not what they do.

That's not what they do. They fucking go attack your car. Anyway, this person goes on to say, what these people failed to realize. can go attack your car. Anyway, this person goes on to say, what these people failed to realize. This is a guy talking about, I guess, the artist drawing on his car. What these people failed to realize is that I'm a serial dream chaser. I came from working class parents, but you don't have to explain yourself to me. You know, you bought a car with money that you earned by fucking working.

All right, people shouldn't go up and draw on it because they don't like the way that you're trying to, I don't know, make a career out of being a painter, whatever the fuck it is you're doing. But we'll continue. I came from a working class, from working class parents, and I was a millionaire by the time I was 26. I feel like if I could achieve my dreams, uh, wait a minute, and I was a millionaire by the time

I was 26, that's fucking amazing. I feel like if I could achieve my dreams once, I could do it again, but they don't see that. Additionally, if we all have to work day jobs, whether that's waiting tables or barking tickets for comedy clubs, I'd rather do a job that I enjoy. Additionally, dopamine is important for creativity. So I'd rather be happy during the day so that I could come up with ideas. You seem wise beyond your years.

Unless you were in sex trafficking, I don't know how you made your fucking money. You're not a slum lord. I stand behind anyway. Still, I could see the counterpoint. There's a Will Smith quote where he says, you shouldn't have a plan B because it distracts you from plan A. And clearly he didn't have another plan when he marched up

on that our school stage well yeah i mean i look i'm not relationships are fucking complicated i'm not gonna step into that labyrinth uh... i mean from afar he should add a plan b before it even got to the fucking Oscars. Because I like Will Smith, you know? Anyway.

Uh, but he didn't, and he stayed with Plane, so that's, whatever. Listen, we all do whatever the fuck we is that we, you know, we all, I'm trying to be less fucking judgmental. I really am. You know what I mean? I'm really trying, I don't know what the fuck other people are going through. I realize that I'm an asshole. So what am I gonna do?

I mean, it's easy to sit back and be like, okay, you know what this person should have done? I can't say this. People should not go around drawing on other people's cars. Anyway, without fearing too far from this quote, I think the point is that there's probably something to not living a life that's too comfortable, such that it distracts you from your real goals.

All right, here's something that I'll tell you. I'll tell you because I don't have a co-host to tell me to shut the fuck up. Just because somebody is successful doesn't mean they know anything. All right, and there's this thing that I've noticed with people after they're successful is that after they make it, and then they go to tell their story, they then put a whole bunch of fucking mustard on it. And I knew in that moment when I walked into that room, either I was going to get this gig or my life was over.

And it's in those moments you have to have the courage and all of that fucking stroking your own dick horse shit. This is what happens. This is what really happens. You go after a, unless you're a fucking lunatic and you're literally trying to cross people off your list and you're a fucking sociopath, whatever. Okay? Most of us, you go after a dream because it, like, you connect with it and it makes you feel good doing it, right?

For me, it was playing drums, music, but I realized that I just didn't have the gift. But I always made people laugh and gradually I gravitated towards, like, stand- up comedy. Now, I definitely wanted to make it. I definitely wanted to succeed. I definitely wanted to be a famous comedian, but I didn't have any sort of plan beyond sign up for as many places that will put you on stage as possible. And then it was just, okay, now I'm one of the better open micers I can now get paid and I became a host. And then a host's like, oh, I'll become like a feature. And then you become a feature and then you become like a headliner and then you're doing sea rooms and then you move up

to be rooms and a rooms and blah blah blah blah. But there was no like, like this rigid, like I have one fucking plan in life. And like, this is the only fucking way to do things. All right, there is no one way to do things. And you really got to watch out for fucking ego maniacs that are just sitting there stroking their own, I mean, believe me, believe me. There's a bunch of them in my fucking business and it's amazing. Just sitting them, watching them talking about themselves and keep repeating the same stories over

and over again. And then what's amazing is gradually everyone else starts saying about them, what they were saying about themselves. It's like this fucking hypnosis thing. So I wouldn't listen to Will Smith. Okay, that guy has a lot of fucking shit he needs to work on. He's wildly successful in some areas, not so successful in other areas. Guess what? Just like me.

Okay, so there's a lot of fucking luck and a lot of fucking luck involved getting somewhere. So there is none of that. All right, what you should be doing is like, if you being an artist is something that really fills you up and makes you feel good, that's why you should be doing it. This whole fucking thing of like, I'm going to have my own gallery and I'm going to fake my own deaths and my fucking posters are going to be worth more money and then I'll come back and they're like, oh, fuck, he's back. And then all of that shit. That's for corporate cuts. So, um, yeah. Anyway, let me get back to this. Uh, first of all, I think there's a point there. Still overall

I wanted to get your perspective on this and whether it's better to be a starving artist if you don't have to be. No, I was never a starving artist. I was never. I fucking... I worked for like another two years when I could have not had a day job just paying off all of my debt because I knew I was moving to New York City and I was fucking terrified how expensive it was. So I wanted to go down there,

I had no credit card debt, I paid off my student loans. I mean, I didn't move down there until I was like 27. I mean, I was considered old to be a new guy coming to town. And I started late, I did everything that, you know, they say, you know, if you wait too long to start, you're not going to make it, you know, all of these fucking rules. I remember the butcher giving me bad advice. But I don't know if everybody wants to be the star. Sit there with the bloody apron, cutting up fucking pork chops, giving me advice, negative

feedback on getting into show business. So, um, I would say be careful listening to other people. If they listen to you and it makes sense, if it fucking makes sense, it feels good and you got, then I would listen to it. But don't ever listen to somebody just because they got a big house and a shiny fucking car. You don't know anything about it. All right. If you want to see something fucking insane, is you just watch how people like, like one of the big things to learn in life is, um, is recognizing that you're talking to a narcissist.

All right, or like a sociopath. And there's little things over the years that I've been able to, you know, I grew up around shit like that, so I'm, but I wasn't able to break the code until about six years ago. And now I'm really much better at spotting a narcissist. And I was looking something up the other day. No, I wasn't. I was on Instagram because that's where I'm addicted to my phone.

The last fucking addiction I have to get under control. Everything in moderation. Sorry, I didn't knock that down... that was a foam roller by the way uh... let's see narcissism uh... there was something that this the these people had i can't spell this fucking word i that it's just incredible that i the

lumi like i can't even fucking spell and I'm doing fine that right there Should make you feel like you're gonna be all right with your artist dream Denai Darvo that's it all right, so they came up with this thing That it's called Darvo it's an an acronym D.ym, D-A-R-V-O. It stands for Denai Attack Reverse Victim and Defender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims.

Okay, so when somebody does that, doesn't mean they're a narcissist, doesn't mean they're sociopath, they're just something like that. So if somebody does something to you, you fucking call them out on it, and they fucking deny it. Like this is, was my experience with this shit,

with narcissists, it's like, the first thing they say is, I never did that. Okay? And then the next thing it becomes, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to sit here and I'll let you accuse me of that. And then it becomes that. So I guess that's becoming like the victim. First is I never did that. Then maybe a little bit of our anger. Sometimes, you know, if they know they're dead to rights, they'll do, they'll say like, well, look, if I did that,

if I did that, then I'm sorry. And it's like, no, you did do that. And they'll still be like, well, I don't remember. I'm being honest with you. I don't remember, But if what you're saying is true, like that's the best you can kind of get. There's other things too. Like I noticed with this person, they had the exact same emotional response to if you told them, you stubbed your toe or if your mother just died. They would do this thing where they would just kind of cock their head to the side and

be like, oh no. They would just, and it was just something. It took a while and I just sort of noticed with this person like, they don't feel feelings. Now, it could be because they're completely walled off. I don't think there is sociopath in that instance, but you just sit there going like, they that don't feel feelings or they don't give a fuck about anything but themselves. So that's the type of shit that I would say that, you know, in life, you have to watch out for when you're going after a dream, okay?

Those people that are drawing on your car are assholes and they guarantee you would never in a million years, like honestly they could pass a lie detector. Are you an asshole for doing that? And they would say no, I'm not. I'm not. Because fuck that guy, because he's in the corporate world and do do do. And they're building this whole fucking story. And then they're also buying into this shit. And at the end of the day, they're also jealous and envious of you that if you want to go out and get a sandwich, you can fucking afford it. So fuck them. All right. And if you have anybody in your life that if you're like,

if they're constantly doing shit to you and whenever you confront them, they deny, they like, they diminish, that's another thing. I never did that or that wasn't that bad. Oh, that was just a joke. They do that shit and you're like, no, it wasn't. It wasn't a joke to me.

And then what they go, oh, geez, you know, I had no idea. You're so sensitive. Or I love the other thing like, oh, I mean, I can't do anything. That's one or what did I do now? All of that shit. Fuck you, fuck you, what did I do now? Fuck you on all of that shit. Fuck you on all of that shit.

Don't let somebody have do anything like that to you. I'm acting like there's a way that get them to admit that they've done something wrong. The reality is you can't. And what you have to do is just slowly back away from those people, which is really easy to do with a narcissist because once a narcissist is not getting an attention positive or negative, they just, they're in the ether. They're in the wind. You never see them again.

Anyway, still overall, I wanted to get your perspective on this. And whether it's better to be a starving artist, if you don't have to be, how did the cushy job people in your generation fare against the starving artists? It had nothing to do with anything. It had nothing to do. It's a myth that you didn't make it because you had nothing to do with anything. It had nothing to do. It's a myth that you didn't make it because you had something to fall back on. That's all a fucking myth. I'll tell you, the people that did well were gifted people that did the work. All right? Like, I can try to sing in a band all day long. It's not gonna sound good. I can have the, you know, you gotta have the gift.

If you have the gift and you fucking work at it, you know, and you're not an asshole because it's also a business and people wanna be around you, you're gonna be successful. It has nothing to do with, you know, how much money you have or don't have. And, you know,

and also just because you grow up rich, doesn't mean you don't have a bunch of demons. And that you had this easy fucking life and everything. Like, you have no idea, like some of these rich kids, they grow up, there's some of the loneliest, maybe here in like Robin Williams, like grew up and had, like from a wealthy family,

but his parents were never around. And he had like this lonely fucking childhood playing with like his army guys and stuff. I mean, it sounded, you know, I wouldn't want that childhood for the fucking money. So those are all just, those are all just fucking theories. That's all they are. It has nothing to do with anything. Continuing on As person says

Will that always be the case Always asking about having a cushy job versus starving artists this success rate Will that always be a cake the case especially in this age of social media where cameras and editing are expensive and regular people are being priced out. Oh Jesus, there's your cold corporate side coming out. A trend that's happening across art and sports today. Um, no, what's happening is that corporations are not regulated at all are not regulated at all and they are run by people that are not human. Both in my business and in any other business. And what's happening to artists in my business and auto workers, farmers, you know, even just public service jobs. You name these people are just Taking and taking and taking and taking and they're just fucking people over and they're heartless and

And what do they do they blame us because they're we haven't pushed back we haven't been able to organize To effectively push back on their greed so they go well, you know, I mean and I mean What we haven't seen any pushback we haven't seen pushback. The government's not doing anything to stop us. Once again, they blame the people that they victimize. So the biggest thing that you should try to get out of life is to enjoy it. All right, and there's a lot of shit that you will see on social media and everything.

And people think that enjoying life is having a flat screen TV on every fucking wall of your house. And having a bunch of stuff and people think that enjoying life is having a flat screen TV on every fucking wall of your house and having a bunch of stuff and all of that shit and And it is It's having enough money where if you want to you can sit down and fucking take a break and have a fucking say I want you to nice cup of coffee. It's not better than that, you know, I don't think but I'm'm an old guy. Anyway, good luck to you. Good luck to you. All right, I will admit that one thing that artists are being priced out. I mean, that's not true. I mean, you can shoot a movie on a fucking iPhone. So I think you'll be

all right. Anyway, I did get, and I was a little bit of a red flag though, the way you were talking about that. I did see a little corporate haze in the atmosphere there. All right, just realized I'm the asshole. Well, hey buddy, welcome to the fucking world. Welcome to my life. Hey Billy, two tooth. I don't know what that means. I have all my teeth. I don't have any cavities. I've never had a cavity. I don't know what that means. I have all my teeth. I don't have any cavities.

I've never had a cavity. I don't know what the fuck that means. But if you wanted to make me self-conscious about something else, you have done it. I've been bothered by a lot in my life. I've been bothered by a lot in my life by a lot of things that have happened to me in the past. That is one of the greatest sentences I've ever read in my life by a lot of things that have happened to me in the past.

That is one of the greatest sentences I've ever read in my life. That's like, was like fucking moguls, skiing moguls. I've been bothered by a lot in my life. I've been bothered by a lot in my life by a lot of things that have happened to me in the past. Dude, you should be right for fucking Dr. Seuss. At this juncture, whoa, pulls out a nice fucking $4 word there. I'm doing really well, but the carryover from my past has

followed me like a fog. As you said in the, I, Adam Driver interview, yes, the fog. That's why a lot of, uh, adults with childhood trauma are always moving. Can't sit still and always trying to do something else and it has your mind on something else. Because if you sit still, the sadness comes in. Anyway, so person said, recently, I had a work trip that allowed me some time off where I was by myself. I was stuck listening to other people's conversations and I realized that most people complain about things that don't

matter and I had the realization that I'm not one of them. Well, that's great. How does that make you an asshole? That makes you enlightened. I've been barking about everything wrong with the world to everyone around me and I certainly have a Billy Red face like temper. I did, wait a minute, you said, you said you were listening to these people complain about things that don't matter and I had the realization, oh that you're one of them. Oh, I'm sorry that you bitch. I thought you meant that I'm sorry. I thought you were saying that you're not one of them. Maybe I read that wrong. Anyway, so you're one of them. I've been barking about everything wrong with

the world, everything, everyone around me, and I certainly have a billy red face like temper. I did therapy and I've done mushrooms, but something clicked where I realized I'm just adding to the noise. That's a good name for a stand-up special. Adding to the noise. My biggest problem is that I've been blaming people who are easy to blame. People I rarely interact with, but no. People that I don't know and people that I make up in my head, all at the expense of the people around me. I'm 49 years old and had the horrific realization

that I've wasted so many precious times in my life thinking I was wrong, but mostly I never spoke to the people who were bothering me. I could never understand why I didn't get along with the people everyone else did and it's because I never really got to know them. This fucked me up when I realized I'm no different and I shouldn't expect people to like me. My new goal in life is to talk to people in person and not in my head. It's been working well. Well, I had that problem and sometimes I still do is I don't go to the person that I'm upset with because when I was growing up, that was not an option,

or the person wouldn't listen. So then you feel hopeless and then that's when you get like a temper. And then that's when someone goes, well, you know, you can't leave until two o'clock. Well, what a fuck can't we leave a talk to? You know, you immediately go to that. And it's just like, and there's always an easy solution like I do that all the fucking time I still do it Lovely, Nia was talking to me

About it the other day and you know, I got a fucking work on it. I have to work on it I I don't yell at people, but I fucking snap and She goes every day. I go every day. she goes every day. So I was like, you know what, I'm going to show her, I'm going to go on a fucking streak here just like cigars. I'm not going to yell and I've yet to be able to not snap before like 11 in the morning. Like there's something is just going to make me fucking, you know, I mean, I don't think I'm yelling, but other people do. So I mean, I have to listen to them. So you're not alone here.

My new goal in life is to talk to people in person, not in my head. It's been working well. I called a friend who I hadn't talked to in a while and I realized I was the one who shut him out just because I disagreed with him on dumb shit. Anyways, I appreciate all the self-help talk. It definitely inspired some of my changes.

Hope you find peace too, Bill. Very new year. Well, thank you. That's a very nice thing to wish for me. I hope I do too. I think generally speaking I'm at peace There's some stuff Still bugs me There's all this stuff I can't control Anyway, new girl is overly sexual and it's turning me off. Didn't I just read something like this?

Hey Billy Gringo! What are you talking about Gringo? I'm going to what fucking taco truck in order a torta? I've been educated by my Latino, uh, uh, uh, listeners. Latinx, I'm not going to say that, I know why people came up with that. I've been seeing this new girl for about two months or so. We met on one of the apps and we really hit it off in person. She's smart, cute, and funny, generally funny, not just funny for a chick.

I thought I already read this. Is this deja vu? Well, fucking read it again. The only problem is that she's way too overly sexual with me and it's really starting to annoy slash turn me off. This is when women come in and they just go, she's a bit of sexuality, what's a turt fucking body. But if a guy wanted to bang all the time,

he'd be like, she is not a fuck outlet. What have they only say. Stop using her as a fucking dick blanket. Um, that's a thing, by the way, a dick blanket. And if you didn't get one for Christmas, I'll have the link on the podcast. Trust me, I'm no pro, but literally 24-7 texts sexting and sending me risky photos. I did read this before, I would ever. I'll give you a different take. This is the DVD extras. While I'm at work sending me all this stuff, it's starting to give me an

ick. Yeah, you're at work. You don't want to look at a fucking clam. You're trying to focus here. I hope you're not working with heavier machinery. At first, it was fun or whatever, but holy cow, how can anyone be this horny all the fucking time? I feel like an old person, but Jesus leaves something to the imagination. Yeah, she, you know, she's fucking, uh, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, she's doing like an autopsy on her fucking post. Uh, I'm starting to feel less attracted to her because using my male brain, I now think she's some type of easy fuck and most likely does this a lot with new guys. Well, who gives a fuck if you're using your male brain?

You're a guy. Listen, all of these fucking broads, you didn't want to bang anyway. Okay, fucking mind fucked all men that the way that they think and look at women is completely fucked up. All right, it's not completely fucked up. It's just fucked up. It's not completely fucked up. So sometimes you are right. Not to mention the way they look at men is fucking ridiculous. Um, so anyway, uh, I, this person says, I hate thinking this way, but it's probably true. Am I wrong for thinking this way Bill? No, you're not Anyway, Mary Christmas and go fuck yourself. No, you're not. I mean what is she you're at fucking work and she's sending all these fucking

pussy pictures and all of this shit wants to fuck all the time Yeah, I would say that there's something going on there. If you can't go a work day without her sending you a picture of her tits, she's either massively insecure that you're going to leave. I don't know what, but like, there's a lot going on there probably. And you know, you have to decide if you want to deal with it or not. And that's just a human thought. Do I want to take on, because you're going to take on her problem, so you're going to

have to deal with them. I don't know. Jesus Christ. And then if you break up with her, she's the next guy, she's going to want to fuck even more. You just to track what you fear. And then he's going to leave, because he's going to be like thinking the same thing. You know, she'll be sending like fucking stick a camera

or a rass or something. Who knows what she's gonna do? I don't know. I'm just glad I'm not dating anymore. I can tell you that. PS, I've been watching your special since I was 12 years old and I am now 24, safe to say your comedy helped me help shape my sense of humor and outlook on life.

Keep on rocking, you ginger pubic. I think the big takeaway there was you said, you know, which put me in my male brain. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. And there's nothing wrong with looking at a woman that wants to bang all the time and is sending you pussy pictures, thinking that maybe she's a little promiscuous, that maybe, you know, once she fucks your dick raw and you're not giving it to her every night, whatever she's getting out of all of this fucking, she's going to need to get it elsewhere and you're just going to, it's going to be a big fucking, I mean, that's not the mother of your kids.

Okay. And in defense of that, ladies, is the father of your children sending you fucking close-ups of his fucking dick and balls right now? Does that make you say I want to have a kid with this person? I don't know, maybe it does. I have no idea. It's definitely a different world. So anyway, that is the podcast to everybody.

I think that was a fun one. I think we all learned a little something, patent myself on the back. I think I gave you guys some gems. We'll have to run it past Neil deGrasse Tyson. I'm sure he's rolling his eyes. I do like the way he has his fro. It's very like, I think it's like a nod to Albert Einstein. There is something with super smart people

that they got, their hair has to be a little like attention grabbing to just straight up bedhead like fucking Albert Einstein. So you know that they're so, they're so busy figuring out the universe. They don't have time to go to the barber. This was all said by a bald man who fucking went to summer school. All right, that's it everybody go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you in a couple of days All right, enjoy your time off each salads get on an elliptical fucking turn it around don't fucking inject yourself with shit It's gonna be a price to pay. Oh, oh, oh, is that cancer? All right, I'll see you All right, I'll see you.