Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-23-15

Episode Date: February 23, 2015

Bill rambles about the Oscars, Shark Bars and bad breath.

Do you choose second-hand cars on Instinct or with your understanding? With the choice for a BMW with the BMW Premium Selection Certificate, let yourself be guided by both. Because its quality, it feels you. And that it is reliable, you know that. Above all, you now enjoy a 4-year warranty on your certified second-hand cars. BMW Premium Selection. Trust your instinct, follow your understanding. Information and information on bmw.be I'm sorry, February 23rd, 2000 and we'll go with 15.

I know what you're thinking. Jesus, Bill, what happened to your voice? What do you mean what happened to my voice? It's fucking February. That's what happened to my voice, okay? It's winter out. I was just in Southeast Asia, bleeding and breathing in fucking pollution. And then I was in fucking New York City, you know, hanging out with that animal, Paul Verzi. Jesus Christ, I'm drinking froco tea. I don't know what happened. I was kind of fighting off a cold all of the whole time I was in New York, but there was just so many people that I wanted to see.

And all of them turned out to be raging alcoholics. So, you know, what are you gonna, I've actually been doing really well. Like I haven't drank in like a week. Oh man, I, well, me and this other guy, I'm under the other guy's name will remain nameless. All right? Because I'm old school. I don't name names. Okay, I'm not taking notes. I'm not gonna write a book someday. So I'm tell all book about every cunt that I went out and smoked a fucking cigar with and drank booze with and all the shit that they said to me.

It's a great thing about alcohol. You can't really remember in any ways. Somewhere in my brain, there used to be a tell all book and it's gone. And I think that's a good thing. I think it strengthens relationships, friendships when you fucking drink it away. Anyways, I was staying at a hotel and for whatever reason, the bartender just decided that he had to do something to take inventory of some shit. So the bar was open all night and it was hilarious. We were, we were staying at the hotel, right?

And I don't, I didn't really remember what happened. It was just basically, it was one of those things where the place was full and then it was half full and then it was like me and this other comic just sitting there. No, it wasn't Verzi and it wasn't any of the Rose Bowl legends. All right, it was somebody else and we were just sitting there. And, you know, and of course, you know the deal. Once it gets to around four or five o'clock in the morning, right? You get a text from your lady, right?

Then the text becomes a phone call and then she comes down there in her bathrobe with the fucking rolling pin and drags you up. Nia said, when she came downstairs, I had a full scotch, not a full scotch, probably a half full scotch and it was tilted so far in my hand. It was almost pouring out of the glass, but it wasn't. And the next day I had to get up early and I had to fly back to finally be back out, you know, out here at my house and Jesus Christ. I got to tell you, man, that's the closest I've come to just, you know,

like when you've drank so much and someone just goes like, hey, you want to get breakfast and you just got to tell them to stop talking like just please just don't bring up breakfast or I'm going to puke. And I know my people would be like, what the fuck are you talking about? But the look on my face and the dead serious tone she just knew. So she was like, all right, and I forget what the fuck I had. I don't even remember, but I was just like, you know what, all freckles here, whole Billy bread face needs to fucking shut it down for a while.

So, you know, whatever, I'm like fucking eight days into it. And I have no desire to drink again for a while. I think I'm just going to fucking, I think I might have a couple of pops towards the end of the month. And then I'm going to go clean and fucking March going to go in like a lamb and out like a lamb going to go a whole 31 days, no booze, no cigar, right? No cigars.

I'm just going to be me and my fucking thoughts. How long is that month going to fucking drag? You know, I got to finish up some shit anyways. I might as well do that. Maybe once in a while you got to give your liver a fucking break. Right. Wouldn't that work? Well, anyways, I'm recording this Sunday night.

I apologize for how late it got up last week. I actually recorded it Monday morning and I just have really bad internet where I'm at. I don't know why. And you know why? Because it's technology and nothing works out for me. So what I do now is I just fucking, I'm just going to start recording them. I'm going to upload them to my computer and then I'm just going to drive to a local fucking Wi-Fi.

I'm writing a script coffee house and I'll just upload them there. So you cunts can stop fucking bitching about it and everything will be fine. But I know you guys like to bitch. So it's kind of good when they're up late. You know what would be even better? What if I did two podcasts a week and both of them were kind of late? Then you could bitch twice and maybe you could feel twice as good about your life. Would you like that?

Would you like that? What would you like if I did another? Because I'm thinking about doing it. In fact, you know what? Maybe just maybe next week there might be a big announcement about a possible second podcast that I'm going to be doing, which would be a culmination of maybe some classic clips from the old ones and then meet also just going off on topics that you guys pick, you know, rent a rant or something like that.

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to call. I don't even know what I'm going to call the podcast. You know, I don't know what the epilogue. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to call it, but I'm thinking of doing a random Thursday every once in a while, maybe a couple of Thursdays, but no, it's maybe slowly. I'll just do this like a full-time fucking podcast, five days a week, like a real radio show. I'll quit doing stand up and I'll just stay in a little tree house talking to myself

five days a fucking week and you guys can slowly listen to me slip it. No, you can listen to me slowly slip into madness, not slowly listen to me slip into madness. Listen to me slowly slip into madness. Something fucking wrong with my brain. You know, the more I do this podcast, the more I understand the grades I got in high school and weren't necessarily my fault. You know, I just think it's the way the synapse is fire. So anyways, it's fucking 542, 542 p.m.

I got a big day tomorrow. I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam. Again, Josh Adam Myers. And as you guys know, I always go down there and whatever drummer, you do a little bit of stand up and then you jam with the band. And I always, whatever drummer I'm imitating, I always dress up like him because, you know, I want to keep it. It's got to be a goof if I'm going to do it. You know, I couldn't just sit down, Bill Burr behind a fucking,

I'd look like a jerk off, but if I dress up like an idiot, then he can laugh at me and then I can play drums and everybody has a good time. And there's no tension there. There's nobody sitting in the crowd going, wait a minute, does he actually think that he can also do this as a profession? No, I don't. I'm just having a good time. So anyways, I'm not going to tell you the drum I'm dressing up is because that's always

supposed to be a surprise for the people come to the show. So anyways, so I'm trying on the costume tonight, right? And I put the wig on and I got the fucking sunglasses. The jacket, the t-shirt and all that shit, right? And I come downstairs to show Nia. And as I'm going down there, right? My fucking, my dog, Cleo, is in the bedroom with her and the door is closed. And I'm like, what if my fucking pit bull doesn't recognize me?

What's going to happen? Right? And I fucking open the door. I'm like, hey, Nia, my dog just goes, whoa, fucking launches herself at the fucking door. And I closed the door and I'm going, Cleo, and I'm not taking off the wig because I'm thinking like she'll smell me, right? How does this work? I'm actually doing an experiment behind this brand new door that I just fucking had put in

that cost me a fucking fortune downstairs, right? So I'm going, Cleo, it's me. Relax. Okay, relax. And she stops barking. Then I opened it up again and she just goes, flipping the fuck out. And I finally had to take off the wig and the sunglasses. But dude, she went to fuck this mode.

And when pit bulls go to fuck this mode, it's too late to take the wig off. So my wife had to totally fucking calm her down and the dog was just looking at me like sideways for like five minutes, almost like, don't do that to me. You don't know how close you just came. Do you understand that? You don't know how fucking close you came. Not shitting on pit bulls. I'm not shitting on pit bulls because once you get a pit bull, you actually realize

how many other dogs act exactly like fucking pit bulls. They just don't have the capability. You know what I mean? It's like if some little twerp said, I'm going to fucking kill you. Do you just laugh and keep walking? That's like one of those little chihuahuas. But if a big guy said, I'm going to fucking kill you, you'd be afraid. You'd call somebody and be like, can you beat that guy up for me?

That's what pit bulls are. Because there's this little cunty dog every five. I fucking hate this dog. There's two dogs when I walk my dog that I fucking hate. All right. There's this one little fucking dog. He lives whatever. It's allowed to live.

Saying he lives like he's making payments. This fucking dog lives at this house with these people that allow him to live. Although I don't know that they fucking like the dog because it's always outside. And they have one of these driveways that's like a little horseshoe. Right? So you got, you know, entrance and an exit. You can spin right around. It's probably fat people living there, right?

Fat people can't back up cars. That's why I didn't know if you know that. That's why they have the backup cameras now. It's because the fatties, when they would turn the neck fat would stop their head and they could only look so far. And it was causing a lot of problems. So that's why they have the backup camera. It's just right there.

They don't have to fucking turn around. All they got to do is move their eyes. Their big Fred Flintstone waterhead can just sit there. Right? So anyways, these fatties got this dog. And what it does is when we come walking up the block, it's on one side of the driveway. And the second it sees us, it immediately runs to the other side,

waiting for us to come. And it's probably like, you know, whatever, like 20 feet between two. And it just fucking talks all this, all this fucking shit. And my dog just looks at it. You know, and it's such, like, my dog doesn't even give a fuck. I actually react to the dog now. Like it's been bugging me. I'll take a little short step towards it.

I'll growl at it. I do other shit, like put my arms up, you know, like you're supposed to do when there's a bear coming at you, which I'm sure doesn't work. Put your arms up so you look bigger. Yeah, well, my arms are up. I don't look bigger than a bear. So, I mean, I don't see what the big fucking,

if I was going to step on an ant and it fucking put four of its legs in the air, while it stood on two of them, I'd be like, wow, it's a very talented ant, smush. Right? Isn't that what the bear is going to do? I love those people with theories. What to do? What to do if you're in the water with a shark?

Swim underneath it. They don't like the vulnerable underside of their bodies. Oh, is that what I'm going to do? I'm just casually swim underneath it, and that thing that can swim 10 times faster than me? Do you know how good a fighter you are when you just use your mouth? Think about that.

That thing's not worried about taking any sort of fucking, you know, imagine if you just fought with your mouth, you just fucking, you know, kind of, what if you just put your arms out like they were fins? You kept them down by your waist, and you just turned your hands out like they were fins. How many bar fights do you think you'd win? All right, what was the last time you saw a bear lose in a bar fight?

What if a shark could go in a bar? You think it would ever lose? Just say it could breathe, right? You have some sort of reverse oxygen mask. It was like full of water. You know, when you're sitting at the end of the bar, right, and you're fucking late, you just can't stop looking at the shark down there, right? And then you're like, you're fucking looking at this guy all night,

while you're making me a fucking jerk off, and then you went down there, you know? How many punches do you think you'd get in? He fucking eat it. He eat your goddamn hand, all right? So fuck your whole, you know, put your arms up to make yourself look bigger, curl up in a ball, play dead.

You know, you only got one option, okay? Hope you're near other humans and run near them, and hope they don't see what's chasing you, and maybe they get eaten. That's the move. That's the fucking move. You never go in the woods by yourself, all right? You always want to go into the woods with somebody

that can't run as fast as you and looks a lot tastier, okay? That's called the buddy system, all right? And I don't do a lot of scuba diving, because everybody knows I'm terrified of the ocean, but I would think that that would be the same case when you, like if I was scuba diving. I'm trying to think which one of my friends looks like a seal. Uh, Joda Rosa looks like an eel, sort of, like an old eel,

you know? It's got a little bit of a punch. Oh God, who else? I don't fucking, I'm not gonna start this bullshit. Whatever, I would, I'd pick somebody. There's gotta be somebody I know. Somebody I know that looks like a walrus. Although, you know, walrus can kill a polar bear.

God knows we've all seen that, right? That polar, you must have seen that famous YouTube video with that polar bear just around then picking on a little one. He went for the Thanksgiving dinner and went for that big one. And the big one with the giant fucking teeth, it didn't even like got him that bad. And the polar bear just, it was like a fucking, he got shanked and that was it.

Fucking thing like walked off. I thought it was just like regrouping like, all right, that wasn't worth it. Maybe I'll live to fight another day and it didn't. It just kind of walked away only about 50 yards and just laid down, curled up at a ball and just bled out and died. I felt really bad for it too. It's weird how, you know, you fucking look at a polar bear

just attacking walruses and you're like, it's so vicious and everything that you fucking hate the thing. But then the second you see it vulnerable, you actually kind of feel bad for it. Like you guys ever seen that YouTube video where that, that pride of lions are attacking, I don't know, one of those bulls or whatever the fuck it is. And one of them gets kicked in the jaw and it breaks its jaw

and its mouth is just hanging open, like never Roger Ebert right before he died, that fucking awful cancer he had. That's what this lion looked like, right? Just sitting there and his mouth open. And it was trying to play it off, but like all the other lions were eating and this thing wasn't eating,

it was getting skinnier and skinnier and they're just looking at him. Like dude, just, you know, either say it or shut your fucking mouth. They just, and the thing just basically starved to death and you felt bad for this thing that would have no problem just eating you alive. Actually don't eat you alive, they fucking go right for your throat.

The worst thing is if you ever got fucking, I'd say Komodo dragon, where they just bite you and then just fucking follow you around for two days and wait for you to die because the kind of bacteria that's in their mouth, once it gets in your bloodstream, you know, you're just done two days

and they just sort of linger around. You just waiting for this thing just waiting to eat you. You're sitting there talking to your mother fucker. It's just walking behind you like Jason, you know, crystal lake, no matter how fast you run that fucking thing. It's just lumbering along behind you. I would just pick up rocks and just,

I would stone it to death, you know, like what, you know, I don't know, like somebody who steals an iPod and Saudi Arabia, like what they have to fucking deal with. I would treat the lizard the same fucking way. I would just, it's all right, something's eating me, but not you, mother fucker. You're not going to enjoy this meal.

All right. I think I would be a delicacy out there as pasty as I am. You know, God knows everybody likes to fucking breast meat now. That's why they inject those chickens with all the steroids. They can't even walk because they got such big fucking, you know, breastasis now. I don't want to talk about, all right, this is the money morning podcast everybody.

I do this every single week if you're new to it and I'm doing it a little bit early this week. You know why? Cause my fucking leg, she's downstairs. She's watching the Oscars. She's watching the pre red carpet Oscars. And every year, you know, I try to hang in there, you know, it's like, all right, I know this is your super bowl.

I'll sit and I'll watch as much of this as I fucking can. And you know, I can only get so far. You know, what was really interesting at one point was the guy who's hosting Daniel Day Lewis, whatever his name is, Greg Odin. Kirk, I don't know what the fuck his name is. Thomas, see Thomas Howell. Thomas Hayden Church.

It's one of those three name guys. It's Doogie Howser. The fuck's his name? I had it. I had it. Anyways, he was talking to this other gay guy, right? And I felt like the other gay guy was like the old style gay guy and the new guy, Doogie, I gotta look up his fucking name.

It's gonna ruin this story. It's gonna ruin this fucking story. I love when they ask the guys, what are you wearing? You know, we're all wearing tuxedos. Does it fucking matter? You know, what are you wearing? Ah, it's Tom Ford. Oh my God, I knew it was Tom Ford.

Tom Ford, yeah, actually it's Mr. Tux. All right, you dumb fuck. I like how Ryan Seacrest has his own line of fucking clothes. That's hilarious to me. Doogie Howser, what is this fucking name? Doogie Howser, all right, MD, Wikipedia, here we go. Neil Patrick Harris, I knew that. So anyways, he's talking to this other gay dude, right?

And I felt like the other gay dude is, let me ask gay guys, any gay guys who listen to this, is there such thing as hacky gay or is there a kind of gay that fucking annoys you on television? There's gotta be. You know what I mean? There's a kind of redhead that bugs me. You know what I mean? That ah, shucks guy tagging along with the fucking Fonzarelli guy.

At what point was Richie Cunningham gonna be like, hey, you know, Fonzie, you're kind of a cunt. You know, you're banging everything that move. You're not that tough. I'm fucking taller than you. He might kick my ass, but I'll get one in. I wanted to do a whole fucking five, 10 seasons of that. He never did it.

So the other, the pudgy gay guy. Like he was going, he was like that really affected gay, like gay dude, just going like, going to Neil Patrick Harris. He was going like, is there anybody in the crowd that you're just like excited to say, you know, like those gay guys that say honey, right? It's like, isn't that like hacky gay because the punchy guy goes, is there anybody you're excited to say?

Like for me, it'd be Liza Minnelli. And I just went like, really? Would it really be Liza Minnelli? Wasn't that like funny for a gay guy to say, like 30 fucking years ago? Come on. Right? I mean, I'm talking out of school here,

but I just seem like, what's this face? Neil Patrick Harris, he had like, you know, he was a fucking human being. The other guy was just fucking, I don't know what he was doing. It was like he was, who was in that fucking movie with that guy who hung himself. I can't remember, I can never remember the name of the movies. You know what I mean?

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're not a person. You know what I mean? It's almost like when somebody's acting regular, then all of a sudden they become a game show host, and then they just stop being human. They just become game show host guy. All right, let's spend the whale. I feel like when, when gay dudes,

that's like the gay version of doing that. I just want to shake that fat guy and just be like, who are you really? How do you, what do you really talk like? Anyways, I'm sure someone will fucking take a snippet of that and send it to, we've had enough of that. Dot com and next thing you know, there'll be another story out there,

but that's what they do. And you know what? You should do that. You should take this podcast seriously. God damn it. The nerve of me to be out here joking around. Okay, this isn't my part. It's your podcast and you should take it seriously

and somehow shape it into whatever fucking cause you're trying to get an attention to. Anyway, so she's down there watching these fucking, I don't know what the hell they are. I really hope somebody gage chimes in on that because I got a sense that I'm fucking right on that one. You know what I mean? Anyways, going back, so Nia's downstairs

and she's just totally into it and somebody's walking the red carpet. She's just going, oh my God. No, I can't stand it. I can't. Sounds like it was a bad call, but she's actually, that's like how into the dresses she gets. And I sit there going, Bill, don't ruin it.

Don't ruin it. Okay. Just let her enjoy this. You watch sports. It's just as fucking stupid. If you really sit down and think about it, it's just as fucking stupid. It's just as stupid.

All right. And I get more fucking upset about the outcome than she does with the Oscars, I think. You know what? I actually had to walk away from the Oscars when at one point they were like, you know, all the best pictures, all of them are starring men. You know, like every fucking award show is that now.

Well, what the fuck? Well, can't that just mean that guys made better movies this year? You can't say that, can you? You got to be like, no, no, no, the witches of Eastwick. That was fucking phenomenal. Witches of Eastwick, really? I don't watch movies. So fuck you.

What do you want from me? It's just every goddamn time. Every time that's what it got. Best lemonade stand. Hey, how come there isn't anybody from Bangladesh in this? You know, what are you trying to suggest? They don't like lemonade? No, I wasn't thinking about it.

I was just making lemonade. Anyways, let's let's get to the fucking. I'm going to blame my cold for how dumb I sound this week. This is like extra dumb. Extra dumb. All right. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Dollar Shave Club.

Hey, everyone. Could someone tell me when razor's got so goddamn expensive? Well, personally, it's been my whole frigging life and it just keeps going up every damn year. It just keeps getting higher and higher. And they lock them in that damn vault and you got to get that old retiree, you know what I mean? To come down and lock it, you know, unlock it.

You feel bad for him because you know, he worked long enough to live off social security, but the banker cunts took everything. So now he's got to go down there and guard the razor blades. Are you sick of doing that? Are you sick of taking out a second mortgage on the home you're upside down in to buy some goddamn razors? Well, don't get beat up by ridiculous razor prices.

Get your shave gear at dollarshaveclub.com for a few bucks a month. Dollarshaveclub.com delivers amazing razors and other great grooming supplies right to your doorstep. Their plan starts at just three dollars. Three bucks. Jesus Christ. Your dad has more change on the dresser. Here's how it works.

They send you a handle for free and every month they send replacement blades. It's one less thing to worry about. You can get deliveries every month, every other month. How the hell you want to do it? Okay, aren't you getting screwed over enough in life? Isn't it nice when you can take one scam off the table? We'll do it now.

Why pay $20 for a razor? We can get a fantastic shave from dollarshaveclub.com for just a fraction of the price. Stop getting smacked around by high razor prices. Dollarshave.com razors are great and they're a fraction of the price. Trust me, you'll wish you'd done it sooner. Don't be a dumbass, shave smarter.

Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Oh, fuck. I don't know if I'm going to make this one. Fucking voices killing me here. All right, legal zoom. Let me try to read this a little more relaxed.

Legal zoom, everybody. The best time to start your, the best time. The best time of waking up is legal zoom in your cup. The best time to start getting your life organized is right now. God damn it. Get off the couch, you lazy bastard. And the easiest place to do it is legalzoom.com. I said get off the couch.

Getting your life organized starts with protecting your family and a great way to take control of your family's future is making a will or a living trust. Never step on a plane again and every time this turbulence go, well, those fuckers are going to be in the street. You can solve that right here with legalzoom.com. They can help. There's no easy way to make sure your family is legally taken care of.

No easy way to do it. Getting your life organized also makes taking control of your financial affairs. So if you're thinking of starting a business or you have one already, legal zoom can help you form your business and provide the support you need to run it successfully. Hey, you know what would be great if you could come up with a will that said this is what everybody's getting and there's no challenging it. And I was of sound mind.

If you don't like the outcome, go fuck yourself. Be happy. I didn't know that or I wouldn't have left you anything. Anyways, for more than 10 years, legalzoom has helped millions of people get the personalized attention they need. And if you need legal advice or guidance, they can connect you with someone that can do that. An independent attorney in most states since they're not a law firm.

Don't wait any longer to organize your life and eat and save even more money by entering Burr B.U.R.R. into the referral box at checkout. That's discount code Burr B.U.R.R. for legal help you can count on for your family or small business. Go to legalzoom.com today. Legalzoom.com discount code Burr. Oh, look at this. Only three reads this week.

I might as well get. Oh, no, there's not. There's even more. Oh, here's our newest one. Let's see what you guys think about this one. It's called trunk club. Everybody like elephant trunk, trunk club. Guys, you might hate shopping, but you still want to look good, right?

What if you could snap your fingers and have a trunk full of clothes that fit perfectly and make you look amazing? Wouldn't that be awesome? You're going to love what gets delivered to you from trunk club at trunkclub.com slash Burr. You answer a few simple questions about your look, style, and size, and then they assign a real person who helps to style you. Dude, my podcast, you're never going to have to leave the house again unless you're ready to dress up.

You have a nice clean shave. You're going to have a will made out. You're going to send all your mail out, you know, then you're just reaching to the trunk. You're going to look fucking great. They excuse me. They email you a list of clothes they recommend sending you. You approve at no cost to you.

They ship you a trunk full of fresh new clothes to your door. Try them on. Keep what you want. Send back what you don't in their prepaid box. That's it. A better wardrobe than you could ever pick out yourself in minutes and you don't have to do it. This is what movie stars do. This is like having your own goddamn stylist just out of a bitch.

You guys don't even deserve this. This is phenomenal. I got to sign up for this. Did I mention I should sign up this just to piss off my wife? Where did you get that? Who is that? Who's buying your clothes? Trunk club, baby.

You go make me a sandwich. Did I mention the service is free? Wait a minute. It's free. Why do you make money? Your stylist is shopping the box, even the shipping all 100% free when you go to trunkclub.com. Only pay for the clothes you keep. Well, there you go.

We had Jesus Christ. I thought I got the whole thing for free. No ongoing subscription. No hidden charges. No malls. Let me say that again. No malls. Just great clothes.

Handpick for your style. All right. You're going to thank me that you used this. And right now it's completely free. So go get started at trunkclub.com slash burr. That's trunkclub.com slash burr. Man, you're out of your mind if you don't do that one. Well, I mean, you know, if you like to shop.

If you're into shopping, you can do that. I went to the mall yesterday. It was a shit show. Absolute shit show. But you know what the icing on the cake was? They were selling Girl Scout cookies. You know, they should always not always sell Girl Scout cookies. They should bring them back more than once a year.

They'll make those trips to the mall a little more exciting. All right. Me undies everybody. Here we go. Can I sing? I'm going to have to do this differently. My raspy voice. Who do I sound like?

You'll never find. That's a hacky Lou Rolso. I like lady love way better. Your love is sweeter than the summer breeze. I got puberty. Sweeter, sweeter. All right. Me undies 90% me undies me undies.

No more sweaty balls. Me undies me undies. You don't have to wear them at the mall cause you went to fucking trunk club. All you got to do is grab your underwear in the door. You slip them on and your balls aren't wet. That's all you fucking get. Oh yeah.

When you wear fucking me undies. They make them for ladies too. Her clam will only be wet because of you. Bam. All right. 90% that's the percent of your life. You're in your underwear and underwear gets old fast. You know the feeling of putting on old saggy underwear.

You need to know the feeling of great fitting underwear. That's two times soft and then cotton. I got to tell you everybody's raving about this. Anybody I know on my podcast when they send me a tweet that they ordered me undies, all they talk about is how great their balls feel. They got how less annoying your boss would be if your balls felt that nice and dry.

You need to know about me undies.com. Who wants to get yelled at wearing saggy underwear? It's like you're losing on two fronts. It's like Hitler. You know when he went too far into fucking Russia. Me undies is the most comfortable underwear you will ever wear and it's insane how good they make you feel. They fit perfectly.

They'll ride up on you and they literally pull moisture away from your scrows, from your skin so you stay cool. I have mine on right now. You know what I actually do? I fucking love them. They come in superhero colors too. They have cool styles for both men and women and they look great.

Check out the photos yourself. meundies.com. This quality would typically retail for two times the meundies price. I would love to talk to an expert in underwear to actually see if that claim is true. I mean, what is two times? What is the price of underwear?

Who knows? It's like that old George Bush. How much is eggs? I don't fucking know. I'm the president. I have a chef too busy trying to make sure nobody shoots missiles at a shit-cunt. How many missiles does Russia have?

Well, all right then. You worry about the eggs. Can you do me a favor? No, you just fucking audit that guy. All right, sorry. No retail middleman means more savings for you. Here, I'll make it easy. Go to meundies.com.

Slash, burn and get 20% off your first order and free shipping. Save even more when you buy a pack of them. They guarantee you're going to be happy with your first pair or your first pair is free. Well, if I'm not happy, does it make a difference on the price? I fucking hate this underwear.

Oh, and it's free. All right. I don't love this woman. Well, you know, she doesn't have the clap. Okay. All right, did legal zoom, right? Oh, so I have one more read. All right, let's get back to the podcast.

All right, so what else? Oh, for those of you out there that want to email me, the email for the podcast is bill at the MM podcast. Once again, that email is bill at the MM podcast. Yes. And also I've been getting a bunch of emails about people who did that swap test thing there to see if you could be a bone marrow donor or a blood donor.

Sorry. Here's one. Hey, Billy blood donor. I'm not looking to get read on the podcast, but I wanted to tell you that I joined be the match.org because I heard you talk about it on the show. It sounds like a great organization. I hope you followed through with signing up.

I haven't yet. I got to do it. And then the obligatory thanks and go swab yourself. There you go. I have to do that. I have to do something positive with my fucking life. Are you like me? Are you a fucking drunk?

Go do something positive and go to be the match.org. Have them swab your mouth, you know, then you'll be a match. You'll save somebody's life. That's funny. I would save somebody's life and they'd also get slightly buzzed and a booze bag. All right.

I I've gotten back into reading everybody. And by reading, I mean, I just I just like reading autobiographies. Right now I'm reading this. Actually, the book about Richard Pry that was fucking amazing that I started, you know, I got ADD. So I'm always reading like two, three at a time. So reading that the ESPN book, those guys that haven't too much fun.

And I'm also tearing through Steven Adler, my favorite drummer from the 80s. I just I fucking, I don't know. I absolutely love the way he played. And he's got a book called My Appetite for Destruction, Sex, Drugs and Guns and Roses. And it's really cool is if you already read Slash's book, to hear him go over like some of the same stories in his version.

I mean, they line up pretty good, but I don't know, it's pretty, it's pretty fucking awesome. And he actually talks about some shit that I had no idea had happened to him. And maybe have even more empathy for that guy. You know what I watched recently this week was they actually I never knew this. I was literally like two things devastated me.

Like two major blows. One was more severe because it was a death of somebody. But in 1990, as far as a music fan, was the first obviously the top of the list was when Stevie Ray Vaughn died. I couldn't fucking believe it was the first time someone that I was into to that level died and just

it was just so fucking shocking. Like I didn't even, you know, it didn't register till after, you know, then family style came out with Jimmy Vaughn. So there was still new material. And I just remember thinking like, wow, there's going to be no more Stevie Ray Vaughn and double trouble new material.

And he kind of had this this theme where he would always with a lot of his albums, he would start with an instrumental and end with an instrumental. So I'd always be excited when I bought his new album to would he do that or wouldn't he? Maybe he did it on a few. Getting older and started for you.

Rude mood, I think was the first song on the second side. Oh, and I guess he would have one instrumental every album or two. Wait. He had staying swing and couldn't stay on the weather and scuttle button. He had rude mood on Texas flood. He had say what on soul to soul.

He had Riviera Paradise. Oh, he also had Lenny. Okay, I forget that one. So anyways, I was always thinking like, oh man, in this plane always we'll go to the next level. I just remember thinking like, wow, that's never going to happen again. So there was that and then

Steven Adler got kicked out of Guns N' Roses. I couldn't fucking believe it. It was just he was he was the guy for me like I was all about all these other guys from the 80s that I saw, you know, and they all had the double bass drum set up and all that. And I just remember when I saw Guns N' Roses live at the Ritz on MTV and I saw all the music that Steven Adler was getting out of

that little four piece drum kit and it was so fucking cool. To just go see somebody go back to having the one rack tom with just a one ride symbol. And this is how dumb I am when it really comes to spatial relations and shit. Like I'm really fucked in the head. Like I it's why I don't have a good mechanical mind. Even like when they say if there's cooking directions like,

you know, turn on the front burner. When I look at the stove, the front burner is not the burner closest to me. It's the one furthest away to me. I always view the stove like I'm standing behind a car. And that's I don't know why that doesn't make any fucking sense, but I'm always looking at shit ass backwards. So at the time I had a five piece slingerland late 70s all

bottom size is 24 like 14 by 24 bass drum. I think I had a 1214 and a 16. You know, two racks on the floor and I had my ride up high over the second rack to him. And I was telling the guy at work is like, yeah, man, I really want to play a fork. This is how dumb I was. I really want to play a four piece, but you know,

I got a five piece kit, man. Maybe next kid I'll buy will be a four piece. And he goes, well, why don't you just take that other Tom off? And then it becomes a four piece. And I was like, Oh yeah. Do you know bad? I want that story not to be true, but it is true. So I took that fucking rack Tom off and it changed my world.

As far as drum and how much fun it was. And I've never gone back. I absolutely love that setup because the way it makes you go around the kit is totally different because once people started having the two rack toms, it became start your fill on the snare, go up to the first rack Tom and then just blow down every fucking Tom you had and every fill kind of started to sound the same. But when you had the fucking sort of the L shaped thing going there,

one up and one to the, you know, one straight up and one over to the right. It made you go around the kit differently. I mean, nowadays I don't even think kids can relate to that ship because there's so much information on YouTube and kids compete with each other that the growth of the average drummer is through the fucking roof. Like in the last five years, how good people have gotten at playing at drums compared to five years when I was a kid. It's not even close.

And now, you know, they had the bass drums in with the fills and all that. They're just fucking, they're unbelievable, you know, but whatever. So that was my thing. You know, I started off playing with to AC DC records and then Rolling Stones. So it was Phil Rudd, Charlie Watts, really simple two, four shit. And then moving up to appetite for destruction, which was all, you know, rock and roll type of shit. But, you know, bass drum was more busier.

And he had, he has signature licks and that type of thing. But the degree of difficulty as far as just technically was harder for me. And I used to play that. I got stripped it down to the four piece. I used to play that fucking album every day. After work, man, I would, I would unload trucks all day in this warehouse, laugh my balls off. One of the great jobs I ever had, you know.

And then I would, uh, I would fucking go home, lift weights. This is my day lift weights. I go on a bike ride and then I fucking, uh, then I would sit down and play drums. And that was it. I would just fucking play from the first song all the way to the end of the album. And my older brother used to drive him fucking nuts because I sucked. And, but Steve, what was funny was Stephen's drum parts were so unique to each song that in his head, he knew all of the tracks.

He knew what, what's, if he came home in the middle of the album, he'd be like, ah, fuck, he's only on Mr. Brownstone. He's only on the, he's only, he's only halfway through the first side of the fucking tape. You know what was funny is I had the tape in a boombox. I didn't even have headphones. I should have just got headphones and I didn't. I could have heard it so much better. I would have that thing fucking cranked up and I have my head turned to the side with

this little shitty plastic fucking pork excuse for a boombox. And I used to play that thing, uh, all the fucking time. And I remember just, and you had no idea, you just had to figure shit out for yourself. There was no YouTube. You just listened to it and I was convinced anytime any drummer was playing on the snare drum, it was never just singles with accents. I always was convinced it was some sort of rudiment. He's got to be playing a rudiment.

It sounds too cool and, um, well, I guess a single stroke roll is a rudiment, but you know what I mean? I thought it was some sort of special sticking. So I remember it's so easy in the beginning where he's got those fast 16th notes on the snare drum with the, with the crash accents. I thought he was playing paradigms. So I would be trying to crash and play paradigms. It was, oh my God, it was a shit show until fucking somebody at this other warehouse is

burnout musician. He, he showed me that it was singles and, uh, I don't know. That was just a great, it was a great time in my life as far as like, um, I was fucking up bad, but like it was going to be a while before the chickens were going to come home to roost because I was still in my early twenties. I was fucking up in college, but nobody I knew had graduated college. So even though I was behind, you know, none of them had jobs yet. I hadn't started doing standup.

I was working out like a fucking, it was the best shape I was ever in. I lifted weights every fucking day and rode a bike like 11 miles every day. And on the weekends, I, one day I'd ride at 18 miles and I was like 20 years old and I had like zero body fat. I was like, yeah, and I would go out and booze like fucking four nights in the week, eat McDonald's at the end of the night. You just metabolize it was, it was, it was the best. And I went to work and my job was unloading trucks.

That's all it was. And then stock in the shelves and I were, everybody I worked with was a fucking either, it was a warehouse. They were either class clowns, struggling musicians or some sort of just, I don't know, drug addict, free spirit. It was just the best fucking group of people I ever worked with. And anyways, I remember some way, yeah, I always heard they played far made. I remember hearing a story like it went nationwide.

I think it was MTV was right. That's right. Was Axel said that someone in this band is fucking with Mr. Brownstone when they opened up for the Rolling Stones. And I was like, oh, wow, that's cool. They're living just like this song. I didn't know that that was a bad sign for the band. And then I don't know if they played far made or whatever.

And I just heard, you know, I heard that he got fired and I couldn't fucking believe it. And I never thought the band was the same. Once he left and is he left? And then they got, they got all those other guys and they added a fucking keyboard thing. And it just the whole thing just like, you know, what happened? So anyways, this is a long drawn out story, but I didn't realize that that there's video of Steven Adler's last performance with guns and roses. And Slash tells a story that Steven was high and they went out to go perform and he went to jump on

the drum riser, but his death perception was off because of whatever he was on. And he missed it by like eight feet and he does. He comes out and he fucking just eats it. Does a face plant. Then he gets behind the drums and evidently he didn't really know what songs they were going to be doing. I don't know. That was his fault or whatever.

So they did civil war and you see the look on his face in the video like, what the fuck? I've rehearsed this with the band, but never with Axl. Dude, how does it mean he fucking kills it? I mean, they were all a little bit sloppy. But I thought he did fine. And then they pulled out some punk tune and Duff had to count it off for him. But even then he still fucking did a great job and it made me mad at all over again that they fired him.

But like I'm getting through his book and I think obviously they wouldn't have got rid of him if he wasn't completely fucking up. But it's weird to read this book because I know how it ends as far as his trip with guns and roses, but I'm still fucking rooting for the guy. Like that's how big a fan I am of his. So all right, there's your drum nerd part of the fucking podcast for this week. So anyway, so I'm reading that shit. And here's one for you.

I wanted to read you this shit. All right. Let me type this in here. People always say this shit like, dude, you type A. You type A, right? Like this is some negative fucking thing. You type B and all that. Next time somebody says that because people usually what they do when they run out of points

to make with you, they say, oh, you're type A. You're type A, right? Rather than being like, no, I made some good points and now you can't refute them. So now you're going to fucking hide behind this fucking pop psychology horseshit. This is really interesting to me. Type A and type B personality theory. You hear the big word there? Theory. Those type A and type B personalities are just theories.

And it basically describes two contrasting personality types that could either raise or lower respectively one's chances of developing coronary heart disease. There is a considerable controversy about the role of these personality types in coronary heart disease and the role of the tobacco industry funding of early research in this area. Early research turns out they funded this study for 40 years and basically the theory about the tobacco industry is what they were trying to do is cover up the fact that cigarette smoking caused heart disease and they tried to blame it more on if you were this type A guy who gets impatient with people that's goal driven, that loses his temper and all that.

Like you had a bigger change. Like that was more of a cause of the heart disease than smoking than if you were actually like more chilled and relaxed like a type B personality, you wouldn't get heart disease. So as far as my ignorant way of reading this, like these personalities are just like because I feel like everything that they bring up I am. Like type A describes individuals as rigidly organized. I'm not. My office is a shit show and I don't write anything down and I never look at emails.

Highly status conscious. Yeah, I mean I drive a Prius and I dress like Malcolm Young. I don't give a fuck. Sensitive. Yes. Impatient. Yes. Take on more than they can handle.

I got like 20 copies maybe. One other people to get to the point. Who doesn't? Anxious? Not as much as I used to be proactive. Depends on what you're talking about and concerned with time management. Who wants to waste their fucking time? All right.

Type B by definition generally live at lower stress levels and typically work steadily enjoying achievement but not becoming stressed when they do not achieve. I mean I've kind of come to that point. I'm where I'm at, you know. I think this means being more happy with your life. You know, I'm a comedian and I sell tickets. I mean what the fuck else is there? Everything else after that is gravy.

I felt like I made it like four years ago. After like somewhere between why do I do this and let it go? Once I was selling the tickets at clubs, I could go out twice a month, live my dream and live a comfortable lifestyle, take care of my wife. What the fuck did I care? So I don't know. But anyways, it's good to know.

They're actually a fucking theory. It's just a theory. You know something? You know who probably came up with this? Pussies. Fucking jerk off. Stick up for yourself. Come on up with this crap.

Here's funny about the tobacco companies. Further discrediting the so-called type A behavior pattern, a study from 2012 based on searching the legal tobacco documents library suggests the phenomenon of initially promising results followed by negative findings to be partially explained by the tobacco industry's involvement in the type A, B personality research. To undermine the scientific evidence on smoking and health.

The industry's interest in type A, B personality lasted at least four decades until the late 1990s involving substantial funding to key researchers encouraged to prove smoking, to simply correlate with a personality type prone to coronary heart disease and cancer. So I don't know. I find that interesting. After the 50th time, somebody said I'm type A. Let's just say it's not a theory.

I think I have elements of type A and type B. I really think a type A type person would, will throw down in a bar, which I never did. I never did that. I haven't had a fight since like fucking junior high and I lost. I was playing stick hockey and I lost to this fucking guy. That was it.

It was over and I was just like, yeah, that sucked. You know, just because you have a temper doesn't mean you type A. Does it? I don't think it does. To me, a type A is like a fucking guys guy knows how to fix a car or break your jaw. To me, that's type A. He's like a hero. I think very few people are type A and type B is the whole, you know,

either living like this Zen. I think there's just two ways of living both if they actually exist. Okay. You could be type A. This is Zen way, maybe to live both. I don't know. Cause like there's the type B person that actually knows how to fight, but recognizes how stupid it is and doesn't throw down unless they have to.

And then they throw down and they win. And in the end, they still think it's stupid. That person, does that person exist or am I just thinking about a cool guy? Saw in a movie. Speaking of that, do you guys see the movie, the drop? I saw a bunch of movies. In my 70 plus hours of airline travel over the last month. The drop is a great fucking movie.

James Gandolfini's last movie. And there's another actor in there. Of course, I didn't get his name. I was on the plane. I can't, I don't know. I gotta, I gotta get his fucking name here. So don't fuck this up. I absolutely love that guy's performance in that thing.

Really cool movie. Come on. The drop 2014. Wouldn't it be great if I actually looked this up in the meantime, as I'm waiting for this to come around. I saw horrible bosses too, which I thought was fucking hilarious. Did you see anybody else see that movie?

Anybody? Sudeikis was fucking hilarious. Is it Tom Hanks? Sudeikis was fucking hilarious. Is it Tom Hardy? Is that who it is? Jesus Christ. He looks so different in every fucking picture.

Yeah, that's the guy. Tom Hardy was the shit in the drop. He was so fucking good in that movie. Horrible bosses too. I fucking loved that movie. Kevin Spacey's fucking hilarious in it. Charlie Day, Sudeikis. All three of those guys,

just a pavement, just funny ass fucking movie. It's laughing like an asshole on the plane. Everybody looking at me, and I didn't care because I had another 10 hours to go and I was drinking the fucking Johnny Walker Black there. I saw Dumb and Dumber 2. It was disappointed. There was a couple of really good scenes,

but I was disappointed. I didn't think that the script was there for those guys, and that's obviously a fucking classic. What else did I see? I think I told you, I saw Chef a while back when I was in New Zealand. I saw Chef. What a fucking great movie.

Let me ask you this. Has John Ligurizamo ever been bad? That guy, he's been in bad movies, but he always makes the movie better. As long as he's fucking in it, it's over. If it's a great script, he's great. If the movie stinks, he's still great. The guy's fucking money in the bank.

Money, that's probably why he's been working for like 30 fucking years. It's unbelievable. It wasn't that fitting that I'm talking about this shit on Oscar night, everybody? As you know, watch this many movies. I usually don't fly this much. I usually don't talk this much.

I usually don't start sentences with, I usually, every fucking two seconds. Let me get back to what the fuck I was talking about here. What the hell is it? What was I going to talk about? Hopped those Bruins, huh? Beatin' the Blackhawks. Ah, my four goals.

How'd you like that, Chicago? What's up, Vancouver Calgary? Edmonton, St. Louis? That's what we lost to on this trip already. Brutal fucking losses. I got all of them on tape. I don't have the nerve to watch the Calgary game. I watched the St. Louis one.

I was really jet lagged last week, so. I was Edmonton, Vancouver, Calgary, but I watched the St. Louis one. We called up Subban. It was probably the wrong team to do it. Some people said, but who gives a fuck? He'll be fine. But I can't imagine, why are we trying to get rid of Toucan?

You know, guys had a little bit of a rough patch. All of a sudden, what, he's not good anymore? It's his fucking fault. We lost all these great defensemen. There's been all these injuries. We lost fucking Boychuk coming. Come on. You're gonna blame him?

Stupid. That's like, well, you know what? That's too, does shit like that. New York does that. Boston does it too. It's so fucking dumb. You know, every two fucking years, the goddamn giant fans try to get rid of their coach

and fucking Eli Manning. It's like, oh, you mean those Super Bowl champions? Yeah, I'm sure it's their fault. What else? I think that's it. I got into, I watched the end of the Daytona 500. I got to go to that one of these years. The OAT itself someday.

I never been to NASCAR. I've been to two Indy 500 races, but the OAT itself at some point to go to any sort of auto racing event. Because the funniest fucking thing about it is the difference in intellect between what's going on in the pit row and what's going on in the fucking stands.

It's unbelievable. I mean, you're talking state of the art, like mega brains trying to figure out how to go half a second faster, 10th of a second faster, like 200 miles an hour. So you win by a fucking bumper, right? And then literally you look across the street

which is the track. And there's some guy fucking just crushing old Milwaukee, you know, would dip in his mouth. He's so fat his t-shirt can't cover his navel. That's what I love. And I, you know, I would love to say at the Indy 500, you know,

open wheel racing that was a little more snooty. It wasn't. You could bring a cooler in. You could do whatever the fuck you wanted. It was a great time. And I've been meaning to go to Talladega and Daytona. I got to scratch those off the bucket list at some point.

I always forget. It's just NASCAR starts at such a weird time. It's a great time to go, right? No football. This is the time of year. I always get into like college hoop. Like I didn't realize Kentucky was still undefeated. So I've been watching.

I just hate the fucking Pac-10. I like watching Kansas, Kentucky. And I liked tobacco row, man. I like fucking Carolina, Duke, NC State. I like watching that shit. It just sucks. The Big East is gone now. I used to back in the day, man, the 80s,

when I first started watching fucking hoop, the ACC and the fucking Big East. Like in a five year period, I watched like James Worthy, Michael Jordan, Patrick Ewing, Ralph Sampson, Elijah one and what's his face? Clyde Drexler. We're out in Houston. Chris Mullin with St. Johns, Pearl Washington at Syracuse.

I mean, it was just fucking every week. There was some sort of fucking epic goddamn battle. Always would come down to the end. Those great coaches. I forget the coach for St. John's always wearing the Cosby sweaters. Then he had John Thompson. It was as big as fucking Ewing almost. I always wondered like how fucking long is his tie

that it goes all the way down to almost his belt buckle when that fucking guy, he was like six foot 10. It's like, where the fuck do you get your suits made? You know, just picture like the Habadash re guy, like they're like elves, like standing on the ladders trying to measure the guy. Yeah. And you had what's his face?

Oh my God. Am I going to forget his name? Dean Smith. I told you guys all these fucking stories about going to the Dean dome and seeing Michael Jordan play. I told you that as an NBA player, right before the Charlotte or the year before the Charlotte Hornets came, they tried to get NBA excitement going on down in North Carolina.

So they scheduled two NBA scrimmages during the summertime before the NBA season, probably like in September, and I went to both games and each NBA team had a former tar heel on it. So it was the Chicago Bulls, Michael Jordan, no championship still had hair, still was skinny, didn't bulk up because Detroit hadn't beat him up enough, right? I saw him play. Who was it?

I think the Cleveland Cavaliers that had Brad Doherty. I think his name was he's that guy with the fucking hairline that went right down to his eyebrows, who actually now he actually commentates for stock car racing. And then I saw the Lakers with James Worthy magic Karim. Oh, I think Karim didn't show up though. He's too old at that point like that ain't fucking coming out for that shit.

He might have been retired. It was 87 summer of 87. Yeah, he didn't play 87 88. Did he? I don't fucking know. And then they played the Cavaliers. They had Sam Parkins. That's right.

Anyways, let me let me fucking read some of the letters for the goddamn weekend before I fucking go off the rails here. All right. Okay, here we go. Alpha brain. Bill the half a man thrill, right? Go fuck yourself. I know your buddy buddy with Joe Rogan,

and I'm not sure if he's already turned you on to onto this, but his company on it pronounced on it. Thank you. Oh, you know what? I think I already knew it was on it. I wouldn't have known. I wouldn't have known how to say it. Anyways, produce a product called Alpha brain,

which helps with cognitive brain function. He's been talking about it for years, but tried it a couple of months ago and it's great. It helped me focus on a novel. I'm writing on nights and weekends on nights and weekend away from my boring day job. Week ends away from my boring day job. That's why you should have written it. You always talk about how you forget stuff and have trouble concentrating.

You should give it a shot and report back to us. I'm sure he'd give you some free samplers. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I don't fuck with drugs other than booze. I just don't. You know. All right, sorry. See that try to do a solid thought she was downstairs.

Yeah, I'll fuck around with miracle drugs. If I have a disease, I'll do that. Like, look, being scatterbrained is working out for me. It does. It just churns more comedy. I just fuck up and I embarrass myself. You know, it's like, didn't you ever see that episode of taxi where they showed Reverend Jim before he fucking ate the pot brownies?

He was just some boring guy with a sweater on. If I took Joe Rogan's pills and all of a sudden I started focusing more. Though what I would just, I don't think you'd like me. No, I don't fuck with pills. I don't fuck with pills. I don't take I don't take sleeping pills. You know, I don't fuck with them. I think they beat up your liver.

I think there's a bunch of shit out there that they say is healthy and it doesn't have side effects. And I feel like the food and drug administration has, you know, I've seen documentaries where people used to work for these drug companies are now they've infiltrated the food, the fire, whatever the fuck is called. I just said it. Who's a better candidate for this shit than me? The fruit food and drug organization food and health, whatever the fuck it is.

I just said it. I just had it. It's unbelievable. The FDA, there you go. You got the nuts running the nut house. So they're just pushing shit through clearing it. You know, they're getting kickbacks on the side. I don't fucking trust any of it.

All right. I think the way I was born is natural. You know, I don't think being scatterbrained is necessary. It's bad as far as the way things are set up right now. But back in the day, if we were still living in the woods, I'd be fucking killing it. I'd have those squirrel like instincts. So I fucking be looking around, you know, but just weirds people out in the office environment.

I'm all right with it. I'm staying with the, with, with how I am. All right. I saw Joe the other night. I had one of my best sets of the fucking year up at the ice house, man. I just had a great time. I saw Joe the other night and I got to tell you something. That man had laser focus when he was talking to me.

He didn't break eye contact once. So maybe that shit works. I have no idea. I ain't taking any drugs, man. I do enough to, I do enough fucking damage to myself. Last thing I need to do. Does that make any sense though? I'm playing devil's advocate here.

Oh my God, I can't fucking think. Oh, take this pill. And then now you can think straight. All right. And that's it. That's it. Right. No side effect.

No, nothing. I just take this and magically I'm fixed. I don't know about that. There, there always seems to be like this. Like back in the day, old school shit like penicillin, that shit like that seemed to work, but all this shit since then, I feel like the, the drugs like they just sort of peeked at some point.

You know, and there was no more new drugs to kind of come up with, unless they, they fix something while fucking something else up. Like Rogaine, right? You put that shit on your head, you grow a little bit of hair, and then your kid has like three feet, you know, or whatever your heart starts racing. There was always something.

Can't have your cake and eat it. This is what I'm going to let. It's a brand new drug. I'm going to let all you guys take it. All right. And at 10 years from now, you still have laser focus. All right.

And your livers are fine. Then maybe I'll think about doing it. But at that point, I'll be, I'll be pushing 60. So what the fuck do I care? When I'm pushing 60, that's what I'm going to start thinking like, when am I going to feel like I can try heroin only once? I'm going to do that.

I'm going to smoke it. You know, not fucking with you. I shouldn't say that this, you know, people actually give me shit about that. I would never fucking try that. How many fucking people got it? That's bad this week to bring that shit up. So I'm not going to, anyways,

that's the trouble with improv. All right. Girlfriend's breath stinks. Dear Billington, the red. I've been, I've been seeing my girlfriend for a little over a year now. And if you can tell me your fucking breath has stunk the entire time,

I'm really not going to have any sympathy for you. And I don't know how you fucking bring it. The only way you bring it up now is if you act like it just started. I've been seeing my girlfriend for a little over a year now. We're very much in love and have a great time when we're around each other. However, in the past couple of months,

I've noticed every so often her breath stinks. I'm not talking, she ate something bad, but some deep seated stench that makes my eyebrow hair burn away. I noticed that her teeth have a certain yellow tint to them that is hard to look away from. It's like a film of American cheese. Oh, Jesus.

Sorry for the grossness, but that's just the truth. It's not like she doesn't take care of herself. She's very beautiful and responsible. Anyway, she has health insurance, but not dental and hasn't been to a dentist in three years. Well, take her. Take her. Okay.

Cause she's starting to sound like a woman that lives in a tree in a fucking fable. I think she might have some buildup of tartare or gum disease. Yeah, or something. She needs a deep cleaning to start with. And then they should have, if that doesn't work, I would check for some sort of sinus infection. You know, if that doesn't work,

you know, I don't know, consult a specialist rather than a comedian doing a podcast. We're going to move out together when I go to my new job and I'm going to pay for dental insurance when I make the money because everyone should be able to see a dentist, especially as girls awesome of her.

Until that day comes, I want to say something, but don't know how to say it. Obviously, I just can't say honey, your mouth smells like shit. We're very open with each other all the time, but I can't get the balls to tell her to say this. Any suggestion from you or the lovely Nia would be appreciated. All right.

Fuck. I got to get Nia in here for this one. Hang on. Hey, Nia, Nia, Nia, can you help me on the podcast? I need you to help me answer a question because I can only think of a way to say it in a mean way. Are you? All right.

I just, I don't understand. Shut up. Are you not capable of just pressing pause and coming to get me instead of screaming and watching how I look like a crazy person? I have shit to do. What do you want? I'm watching something.

All right. Here we go. This guy's girlfriend's breast stinks. Okay. I'm going to go through it really quickly. Can you talk about how you ate garlic today? No, I didn't. Raw garlic?

I wrote because I had a sore throat. I ate raw garlic and then you wash it down with milk. How gross is that to fucking? Yeah, I know. To somehow fix your sore throat. I don't know. Is it working? No.

And I feel like I fucking ate a lit cigarette. Anyways, I'm just going to say it real quick because you only have one microphone. So anyways, her breath didn't stink. And now all of a sudden lately it's just thinking she's noticing a film across her teeth, kind of yellowish. She hasn't seen a dentist in like three years.

How does he say, listen, I love you, but your breath stinks. I want to pay for you to go to a dentist. I don't want you walking around the world. You know, you're going to get a nickname. Like that's how bad your breath smells. Does she not brush her teeth? No, she does, but she hasn't been to a dentist

and why she takes care. She might have some tartar built up. The first thing you do is go. Brushes her teeth every day and she still has all this going on. No, we said there's a yellow film. Yeah, that means she's not brushing her teeth because why would there be a yellow film on her teeth

as she brushed her teeth in the morning and then before she went to bed, even if it's once a day. She needs to go see, how does he tell it? How does he get her to go to the dentist? Like, okay, okay, you know, how would you say it to me? How would you know? How would you want me to say it to you if that's if that was going on?

Ooh, see. Can I practice one? Let me practice one. We all know you're going to anyway, so just go ahead. Yes, go ahead. Hey, Nia. No, no, you don't have to get up.

You can sit right over there. Stay over there. No, I love you, but I sometimes I like looking at you from across the room. Listen, I'm only telling this because I love you and I would want you to tell me this. It hasn't been, you know, the whole time I've been with you, but at some point in the last six weeks,

like you've had like moments, especially like actually right now, like I don't know what's going on, but your breath really smells bad. And I, I don't want to be near you. And it kills me to tell you this, but your breath stinks. And I think you need to go see a dentist. I know you don't have dental insurance,

and I want to pay for it. Okay. Cause you're too beautiful to be walking around with that rotting smell in your mouth. Do you still love me? I wouldn't be mad at that. Cause I would, I would stop. If it were you saying that to me,

I would laugh at it and I would know that was coming from a good point. You would be mortified. I would be mortified though. I would be really, really embarrassed. But obviously, you know, if anyone's going to tell me, it's going to be the person that has to kiss you and be around you all the time.

So yeah. Well, then fix it. Fix what I just said. How, how, how can you tell it where a lady wouldn't get pissed? I don't know. That's actually not too bad. I don't think, you know, just that's so hard.

I don't. Hey, uh, shit mouth. Why don't you go see a fucking dentist before you kill the houseplants? All right. Go eat your pizza. Yeah. I mean, I think that's it.

Just be really, just brutally honest, but try to do it in a cute, funny way. You know, and just be like, yeah. Oh God, that would be so hard. Yeah. You're beautiful. You're too beautiful to be walking around because at least you're throwing in a compliment.

Your body and face is a 10. Your mouth's a negative two. We got to get those numbers closer together. How are we going to do this? All right. Can you give me a, can you give me a glass of water? My fucking, I ran out of water. My throat is killing me.

I sound like this woman's breath. Um, all right. Good luck with that, sir. All right. Let's wrap this up. Um, body weight exercises spelt B O O D Y booty weight exercises, Willy Bon Bon. I heard in the podcast last week,

you like body weight exercise. Me too. Fucking love them. Last year I found a great app with a shitload of great body weight routines. It's called, is this the one app that you invented? This might be free advertising, but I don't care.

It's for working out. Body weight training. You are your own gym. I think it's about $3 and it's fantastic. It was developed by a Navy SEAL fitness trainer and it has four different 10 week programs for different fitness levels. All the workouts are short and will kick your ass

in a good way. Plus a bunch of other goodies. I can't recommend it highly enough. And I am not in any way affiliated with the app. It's just a great workout at a great price. No equipment needed, but I recommend picking up a pull up bar.

You stick in your door frame for $20, $30 at Target or somewhere. I started using it back in September and in a much better shape because of it. Fucking awesome dude. While I'm at it, I also recommend a regular full body stretching routine. I've been doing that for months as well.

And I'm as limba as a whore's clam. That's what he wrote to you. A whore's clam there. And for the ladies, as bendable as a drunken Laos's whiskey dick there, kid. See that? He was trying to, he was trying to do one for the women.

Like a, like a noodle dick, you know? When there's no blood in the dick, he can bend it. Let me, let me ask you, if he's talking about how great and how in shape he is, why would he ever compare himself to a limp dick? Women, sucking the comment. He had everything for over a hundred years. Oh fuck off.

All right. Take this. What is it? It's a fucking Ricola. Oh, Ricola. All right. By the way, in a recent study I read about in health, showed that two best,

the two best things you can do before bed to get a good night's sleep is stretch and visualize. What are you jerking off after you fucking touch your toes? Sorry. That's so fucking childish. And I love it. So I often stretch and then do a guided visual mental, meditation from YouTube before bed.

What? Doesn't mean you're watching a video. Do you think I took it to a weird place there? I didn't. These guided meditations are corny, but they're great. Super relaxing. Hope this is, this info is useful to you

and my fellow MMPC brothers and sisters. Be well. You know something? I don't know. I think that makes a lot of sense. I might try that. You know what I used to do, you know when I was doing the helicopter lessons,

which I'm going back to my final six and much before I test for my license here. I was having problems with auto rotations and I just sat there visualizing doing them. But not closing my eyes. I was just like my minute at the end of the bed pretending I was in there and the next day I did them. I was much better.

So maybe there's something to that. I have no idea. He said, be well. Miniature version of animal. Dear Bill. Okay. Miniature version of animal. Here we go.

I think this is the last one here. If you could have a smaller version of a normally large animal, what would it be? Ideally, it would be trained and you'd have it as a pet. Signed weird roommate. Well, it couldn't kill me. I love animals too much to ever make a wild animal a pet. So what would I have?

I'd have a miniature version of my dog Cleo. So even when it flipped out, when I dressed up like a drummer, I wouldn't have to worry about it killing me. That's a lame answer. I'd have a miniature gorilla. That's what I would have. Miniature gorilla, right? And I do pull ups as it climbed the tree looking at me like,

why can't you go all the way up? And I'd be like, because I'm human miniature gorilla. The fuck's wrong with you? Then we'd smoke some weed, man. That's a weed fucking question. Man, if you could, if you could have any animal miniature, what would you have? I'd have an alligator man and I'd have a clip my toenails, dude.

All right. Old Billy Redface. First off, go fuck yourself. Second, I'm having some issues with my roommate. I'm in college and share a campus apartment with one roommate. My question is, how do you motivate someone to be more considerate? You can't.

I grew up in a house with brothers and sisters, so I try to respect other people and those who I live with for the most part. My roommate, on the other hand, doesn't do dishes, doesn't take out the garbage, and doesn't even change the toilet paper when we're out of it. I've asked him to do it, do the above mentioned nicely, and he gave up on it pretty quickly.

He doesn't even say what's up or make eye contact when he walks in the door. I'm not trying to be a douche, but at what time do you think I should take a shit on his bed now or later? Thanks. I don't think you need any help. I think you're mentally moving in the right direction. You know, there's got to be...

You don't have communal dishes, right? That'll start using yours. You know, you're going to have to drop this guy at some point. This is what you do. Next time he doesn't flush the toilet, I would just stick his pillow in the toilet. I mean, I think, what else are you going to do? Then put his pillow back on the fucking bed.

I had a roommate like that. I had a roommate like that, and we almost came to blows. And, dude, when you live him with an animal, you live him with an animal, and that's just like, you're just going to have to tough it out for the rest of the semester and get somebody different. And here's the deal. Just know that some...

That's the type of guy that's probably going to get divorced or he's going to marry an unbelievably understanding woman. I fucking hate guys like that. I never... That whole fucking, you know, you know that stereotype of how on a guy's apartment looks like there's a slice of pizza between the cushions? Fucking, and I never was like that.

Why the fuck would you want to live like that? I never did that. I remember when I was living in New York, right? I had this roommate, and, you know, from day one, if I did, you know, if I dirtied some dishes and he had a few in there, I did mine and I did his. You know, if I took out the trash a couple of times in a row, I didn't give a fucking.

You know what? He immediately was the same way. I showed him respect. He showed me respect. We got along fucking great. All right? I fucking move out. This other dude moves in, and all of a sudden,

all the harmony goes away. He starts telling me what a fucking asshole the other guy is. And it took me a while to realize. It's like, no, dude, you were the fucking asshole, and you pissed this guy. He was a respectful guy. If you showed him respect, he took out the trash too without asking.

He actually hooked you up. It took me a minute to figure out the math on that one. So you just got a bad roommate, and when you live with an animal, you got to treat him like it, you know? You got to hose him down. I don't know what you do. Just break one of his glasses in front of him. Just say, listen, just start throwing out his dishes.

Go, look, I'm not going to wash them. So I'm just going to put your dishes in the trash, okay, which is ridiculous. And then it'll be like, why, because I'm not your fucking bitch. Do your dishes, you fucking animal. I would literally take it. I mean, I don't know. I don't know if you can take this guy, but like, I don't know.

It's making me go back to an angry place in my life. So I'm not going to give you any more advice. Don't do that. Don't bring it to violence. Don't stick his pillow in the toilet. Don't do that. It's a short time in your fucking life. You'll get a better roommate.

But you'll learn a lot of lessons with this cunt. And when you go to meet a woman, check out her fucking apartment, see how she lives. All right. And don't do a one and done either. See how she is over time. She's a fucking, there's nothing worse than a messy woman. They have way more shit than any guy could ever have.

Just imagine all your fucking male roommate shit. Just multiply the amount of sneakers he has times 20 fucking pairs of shoes, all that makeup and crap. Fucking animals. I used to clean bathrooms in when I worked in this restaurant. And you'd think the guy's bathroom would have been dirtier at the fucking woman's bathroom. I swear to God, it looked like there was a ticker tape parade

and then somebody shit all over it. It's a fucking water all over the place. It was like, what the fuck are they doing in here? Maybe because they have to sit down to pee, they would just build a nest. I don't know what it was. It was just an ungodly amount of toilet paper all over the fucking place.

And they were getting dolled up in there. And that was just, oh, God, it was a fucking horror show. All right, Stamps.com everybody. You know that feeling you can get when you can get things done with just a click of the mouse. You know that great goddamn feeling. It can't get more convenient than that. And now you can even get your mailing and shipping done

without leaving your desk. Thanks to Stamps.com. Stamps.com turns your PC or Mac into your own personal post office that never closes. Talk about convenient buying print official U.S. postage with any letter or package using your computer and printer. Then just hand your mail to the mailman, drop it off at the mailbox,

and you never have to go to the post office again. I use Stamps.com to send out all my posters that I sell at the end of my shows. I'm a moron. If I can figure it out, so can you. Right now I use my last name Burr for this special offer, NoRest Trial, plus $110 bonus offer.

Includes a digital scale, calculates exact postage for letters and packages, and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. All right, everybody, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you so much as always for listening.

That's it. I gotta go. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.