Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-8-21

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Bill rambles about the Super Bowl, invading countries, and following your dreams.

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What am I talking about here? Tom Brady won his seventh fucking Super Bowl. Woo! Brady to Gronk twice. Woo! Leonard Thornton running that fucking ball, just like I said. Just like I fucking said. Oh, I try to be humble people. I can on this one.

I told you motherfuckers since back in November how beatable a team like Kansas City was. I told you. I fucking told you. Bill Belichick coaches the Cleveland Browns. They win that fucking game. They just didn't stick with their game plan to run. That's what you do. It's what you do. It's what the fuck I said. Oh, god damn it. I feel good. Sorry. Tom Brady seven rings. Seven rings. He's one behind Belichick now for all you fucking cunts. Had a buddy of mine just going, oh, Bill Belichick's probably drinking gasoline right now.

Bill Belichick has eight rings. Okay. Tom Brady just passed Michael Jordan. It's un-fucking-believe. I've never been, I was rooting for Tampa Bay in that game. It was like the Patriots were playing. That's how much I gave a shit. I couldn't believe it. I was actually upset with myself. And when they went for it, for that fucking touch, when they went for it on fourth and goal in the second quarter, my family had to leave the room. I was like, what are they doing? What are they doing? What are they doing? They don't get it. Why would you do that? I just realized that's the Wahlberg line when his mother's tearing down his posters and boogie nights.

Don't do it. Why would you do that? Stop it. Literally, I bitched about them having three points in their back pocket in a fucking championship game and not kicking that field goal. I bitched about that until about eight minutes left in the fourth quarter. That's when I could finally relax. Because that's how good Kansas City's offense is. But I gotta tell you, to a fucking tee. To a fucking tee. They did exactly what the fuck a stand-up comedian said they were going to do. That's not bad. Come on, people, you gotta give it up. I'm gonna gloat on this one. Double Tyreek. Let fucking Kelsey beat you underneath. He's gonna get a bunch of yards, but he's not gonna get it all on one fucking play.

The need of Kansas City comes out and scores quick. You don't lose your composure. Stick with the fucking run. Wear down their fucking defensive line. You're gonna be running downhill, getting first downs, chewing up clock, and the second fucking half. It's exactly, exactly what the fuck happened. Oh! Freckles wants some fucking money on that Super Bowl. I bet the coin toss heads. Oh fuck, I missed the Gatorade. I said blue Gatorade. I think I lost on that one. I didn't go red. It just seemed too obvious. Both teams had red, you know? And I know that Gatorade didn't make pewter. In the blue, I always thought tasted pretty good. Oh, the lime. I should have gone with the lemon lime. I don't even know what I mean. Maybe I won. I have no idea. I didn't even look. I was just so fucking excited and seeing Brady to Gronk for two touchdowns. And then Antonio Brown, who Patriots Nation still loves. Even though you got that victory against the Dolphins, you know, in 2019 or whatever.

I don't know. All my Pat's friends that are all Pat's fans are going fucking nuts. We're all so happy for the guy. So don't believe any of this fucking bullshit. I saw in the NFL network is some crap. They were like, how do Patriots fans feel? And these fucking assholes already had their minds made up of how Pat's fans felt. So they had to look and sift and sift until they find six fucking jerk-offs that will say what they wanted them to say. You should have seen these Pat's fans. They look like they went to like fucking the Patriots pro shop. They had so much Pat's gear on. I'm calling bullshit on it. It's like, well, it's like if your girlfriend broke up with you, then she'd invite you to the wedding. Nobody says that. Nobody said that. But, you know, they went out and they, the same way, anytime back in the day when they would show a Patriots game, they used to fucking, they go down to the beach and they'd show like a lighthouse.

Like I can't, I can tell you, dude, my 27 years I lived in Massachusetts, the only lighthouse I ever saw was when I came back four years later and they built a fake one at Gillette Stadium, making us all out to be lobster fishermen and tying sailor knots and eating clam chowder. Whatever the fuck it is was, you know, like everybody in New York's going, hey, I'm walking here. I'm holding a hero. You know, and everybody in Philly, all they do every day is just stand in line for a steak and cheese. It's so fucking stupid, but that's what they do. Anyway, I'm all over the map here. I am so fucking happy for Tom Brady, Gronk, Tampa, the fans of Tampa. That was just, I mean, Jesus Christ. The amount of Brady Bashers throughout the guy's fucking career, I've just never seen anything like it. And this is the one I think that he needed that'll just fight, they'll even shut Jim Ursay up, I think. What's, what the fuck are they going to say now? The guy beat Drew Brees in New Orleans, Aaron Rodgers in the Packers in fucking Lambo.

And then he beat the next greatest quarterback ever, Patrick Mahomes, fucking unbelievable, unbelievable. Reminds me of when Eli and the Giants beat the Patriots, undefeated Patriots. They beat Dallas in Dallas. They beat some of the wildcard team, I think, and they beat somebody else. I think the Cowboys in Dallas. And then they beat the undefeated Patriots. As far as undeniable championships, I put it up with those 2008 Giants, and I never thought the 2008 Giants got their due because it wasn't that they won. It was that the Patriots lost because they were undefeated. And I really feel if we had one loss and went in there, they would have got the respect they deserved. And God knows, Eli never did with the fucking New York media. They used to talk about that guy, you know, right to the end of his career, like he never, he never won anything.

I don't know. It's weird. It's a weird, the East Coast media is brutal. It's fucking brutal. Boston is just as brutal, at least it was when I was there. God damn, what a fucking game just to watch them execute it so fucking perfectly. I mean, the whole Patrick Mahomes to no touchdowns, no touchdown passes. I mean, he had like 100 yards in the first half. It was just textbook, textbook, textbook, textbook. Okay, so there you go all you young football fans remember this Super Bowl. Okay, I'm not taking anything away from the Chiefs, but I'm telling you, when you have an unbelievable offense, but only a decent defense, you are, you are beatable.

And the deeper you go into the playoffs, the more beatable you are because the better the team you play week after week after week. And they finally, you know, everybody knows how to beat them. They just, the AFC just does not have a fucking team either with experience. Cleveland is the fucking team with the right coaching and a little more experience can match up with the team like that. And as I said, I saw the fucking, you just saw Tampa Bay beat Kansas City. You saw the Giants beat the undefeated Patriots in 2008 or whatever the fuck it was, 2001. You saw the Patriots beat the greatest show on turf. You saw the dirty birds beat the 15 one Vikings fucking Randall Cunningham and Randy Moss looking like juggernauts went into their own building and beat them all the way back, all the way back running gun bills. Giants beat them fucking Elway with all his fucking receivers.

Giants shut them down the next year. The Redskins shut them down. I've just seen it time and time again. I saw the 49ers shut down Dan Marino. 48 touchdown passes back when that fucking meant something in 5,000 yards. They came out in 84 and beat them. I saw the Raiders come and beat the Redskins. You just seen it time and time again, a defense. What's a running game shuts the just have them sitting on the sidelines like fucking Bernie Sanders at the inauguration.

All right, I am done gloating. Okay, I was so fucking right about that game and I got the money in my pocket tomorrow to prove it. I never talk shit, but here's the balance, which I was trying to do. I was trying to come on this podcast and be humble. I really was, but I was just so fucking excited. I mean, the game literally just ended 15 minutes ago. So now let's balance it out. What was I wrong about?

Remember when I fucking was on my period about the fucking balance bike and I bought my daughter this bike thinking I could put training wheels on it. And the fucking assholes who made the thing put a bolt on there that you can't get off unless you work at their factory and have their special wrench or whatever. And I'm like, who the fuck are these guys to decide that, you know, I can't put training wheels on the bike and I got to tell you something. The way I learned to ride a bike and everybody in my generation with training wheels was really not smart. And I was hanging on to my old ways and I was as wrong about that as I was right about this for once about sports. I'm wrong a lot. But I got to tell you, so at first we started off on just level ground and my daughter didn't get it and thought it was stupid or whatever. And because, you know, she flies around on her scooter.

So then we found this park. We stayed at a hotel when they were doing the plumbing and actually got good news about the plumbing is everything seems to be working and they have one last section. And they realized there's a way to go from the outside of the house under the house to do it and not have to dig into my walls or anything. So anyway, but we were away and there was this beautiful park that we went to and I swear to God, there was like like half a dozen kids on those balance bikes and they were younger than my daughter and they were killing it. They were flying. And I was like, she needs to see this to get motivated. So I tell her that I'm going to take her over there. And then there's this old fashioned like ice cream parlor that, you know, makes like root beer floats and shit like that.

Right. I go, I'll take you there afterwards. And she goes, awesome. Right. So she a whole week where she was asking me about it. Every day after school, going, I'm going to do the balance bike and get the ice cream. I'm like, not today buddy on Saturday. She's like, ah, so finally it was Saturday.

And so we went over there. And of course I get to the park and there is nobody on a balance bike. And I'm like, oh no. And we got on it and she wasn't liking it. And then a couple kids her age and a little older went by on bicycles, actually pedaling, riding bikes. And she was going, oh, that kid's really fast. Oh, she's really good. Like she's such a sweetheart.

And what I ended up doing for any other dads with a young kid out there trying to balance bike, I just turned it into a game. I just say, okay, I'm going to walk in front of you. So you say, but do me a favor. Don't run over daddy's toes. Okay. Don't. She immediately big grin on her face. So now she's trying to run over my toes.

I'm going like, whoa, whoa, easy, easy. Just make it. I'm just making her laugh her ass off. And next thing you know, I mean she's gone like, you know, 50 yards trying to run over my feet. And I was gradually increasing how much I was back pedaling, which was making her go faster and faster. Right. So we went around once. It was like a quarter mile loop or something like that.

We went around at once and then she saw me. She was tired. So we sat on a bench, park bench, talked, had a great time. We're laughing and watching the kids go by on the bikes. He saw somebody roller skating and she was just saying, oh, that girl's good. Oh, he's really fat. That boy's really fast. And she just, it really made me proud as a dad.

The way my daughter is coming up that like, you know, people who have come over have said, like, you know, I'm not just saying that you have like the happiest kids and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, oh my God, I'm breaking this thing in my family. I'm keeping a ton of shit from my family tree though. Okay. As far as she's going to learn how to drive a stick shift. Okay. She's going to learn, you know, sports and all of that.

All of that great stuff. But like what I'm getting rid of is the, you know, being afraid of your parents, afraid of your dad, I should say, like that old school dad thing. Um, and then also like, rather than doing the, the hazing thing and ripping somebody down. I remember I used to always say like, I want to have a kid sometimes just so I can build them up. Obviously going to hold them accountable when they're being a jerk, but I just really want to be there for them for times like this and just build up their self-esteem because there's

so many cunts in the world. You know, that's the big thing. That's why you need a positive home base or a circle of friends because you got to walk out into it every day, at least you did back in the day before this bullshit. You have to go out into it, even if you go on the internet, you know, you go on these social media sites, it's just fucking people shit and all over you. Um, you know, and I can't imagine all of those, those stealer dynasties, the 49ers dynasty and all the Cowboys dynasties and all that, the amount of fucking shit that they would

have got if social media was around then and all the stuff that they would have said about them and blah, blah, blah, blah. It was a much, uh, you know, a lot of it's the same, but you know what it is? The fact that you can just get absolutely eviscerated and not even leave your house and not even, back in the day, a stranger had to at least say it to your face or kind of yell it from another car instead of now. So anyway, so then what I did today was we went to a different place and I found a sidewalk on a street that wasn't busy because I always get so scared.

Oh my God, what if a car jumps the curb, you just the fucking like Stephen King shit that goes through your head every time you take your kid out in the public. Um, I found one that had a slight grade down, so it'd be easier to get speed so she could possibly lift her feet up a little bit and balance, but not too fast that she was going to get afraid and fall down and have a negative experience. So we did that and she absolutely crushed it. And she started rather than like sort of running with the bike. She started doing like two legs at a time and lifting them up and I, I just was like,

I felt a hundred feet tall. I was so proud of her and you know, I made a video and I sent it to her, you know, her Nana or auntie and all the family so they could all in her mom, of course, and they're all centered. Oh my God, you know, great job and all of that and she's just the best. And then I came home and I played with my son, you know, and he's killing it like he's going to be walking soon. He's way ahead of it because he's trying to keep up with his sister.

And then I watched the, the, the New England Buccaneers, the Tom Brady Patriots, Tom Brady Buccaneers win a Super Bowl, absolutely amazing. My condolences to Kansas City fans, you know, I know, I know that feeling, I know that feeling. And I got to say, Patrick Mahomes, it might be, I've never seen a guy get off the level of accurate throws doing like a fucking 360 or the fucking pirouette and then just slinging the ball. And he's still like people have a chance and that last one hit that guy off the face max now in defense of the receiver, like the defender's hand went right in front of his face right

before the ball got there, you know, that was the only time I've ever seen that look on his face when he was sitting on the ground. And if you're a Kansas City fan, it's great that he experienced that because that is a feeling you never want to feel again. And he's going to probably be going even harder next year. So I don't think by any stretch of the means they've done, but I would think that they might try to add some, show up that defense a little bit. I did think it was hilarious.

The redheaded dude, the ginger, the center on the, on the fucking Buccaneers was riling up that guy on Kansas City and he pushes them and always they, why did they, oh, I noticed they hear a commotion and then they look and then they see you respond and seeing Brady laughing where it's just like, yeah, man, that happens every time you got to know not to do that. This is, I would think if I would like to, I know I would retaliate because I have too much of a temper. But if you have an even keel, if you play sports, this is what you, somebody does some

shit like that to you. You got to go Sicilian on them. You don't go right then. You let them think about what they did and you 10 minutes later, a quarter later, no, when nobody's looking, then you get them. You don't go hothead Irish guy. You're gonna bite back immediately because you're going to get caught. And I love that the redheaded dude hit the dude, then he gets hit back and when he gets

hit back, he points like, can you believe he just did this? It reminded me of like, like in hockey when you got guys that their job is to go out there and just stir it up and just get people to get all pissed off and everything. So anyway, I can't, I think this might be my favorite championship Brady ever won. Just as a, forget the fact that he's, you know, he put us on the map just to see a guy as great as him move on from the team that you never thought he would leave, go to another team, not only make the playoffs, not only win a playoff game to tie what Joe Montana did with the chiefs, oddly enough, to go on and beat like Drew Brees, part of, I would

say Brady's generation, right? He was a little bit later, but pretty much his generation. And then the next generation's best guy, right? And then the next generation, and now this generation's best guy on one playoff run all on the road. Anyway, they weren't like the big sold out crowds, but still, unfucking believable, such as a sports fan, that was something, that was something else to watch. So in other news, my Boston Bruins just, I swear to God, the most dangerous team down

three goals to none. They just keep fucking coming. They just keep coming. They went down to the Flyers. They just kept coming. Fucking own the Flyers so far. Flyers got a good team too. I'm not talking shit.

We beat them every fucking game. I was watching a little bit of that fly. Dude, I watched so much sports today. I recorded the Pelicans versus the Memphis Grizzlies, because you got all this young talent in those games. John Morant and Zion Williamson. And what's his face? Lonzo Ball is starting to find his whole, his NBA footing.

The guy's fucking draining threes like nobody's business. And then I love that kid Brooks on Memphis too. He just fucking goes hard to the rack. He just, he goes 100% every game. Love that guy. And then I know that, you know, probably a third of them will be Lakers at some point. So I want to enjoy them on other teams first. So I've been watching my Celtics during this West Coast trip, and we just can't seem to

put two wins together. We beat the Warriors, then we lost to Sacramento, then I missed the Clippers game, and then I watched the Suns game today. We beat the Clippers, lost to the Suns. So whatever, is that a split? We won, lost, won, lost, yeah. So anyway, and then I guess we lost to the Lakers at home. So we're like fucking, I think 13 and 10 or something like that.

And I feel like we're better than that record. So I'm just hoping we're, I don't know. I kind of like what Brad Stevens is doing is he's like, he's using everybody. Everybody's getting a lot of minutes. And I think he's going to, you know, when the games are bigger and the seeds are really starting to fall into place later on, he's going to try to, you know, just use the start as more, but he's given the bench and everything priceless minutes that hopefully, I don't know, man, I got to tell you, Jason Tatum and Jaylen Brown, I'm telling you, are going

to get a ring after LeBron retires because LeBron is just the fucking man. And he has, you know, Davis, I mean, he's got all these guys around him. That guy is just, you know, that's funny. Brady winning today probably hurt the Celtics. I think that's how competitive LeBron is. He's probably like, okay, I got four. I want to get five. So I tie Kobe, then six is Jordan and then now we go Brady seven.

And we all know Bill Belichick is eight. And then the next one, I believe there's a bunch of Celtics that have like seven or eight. I'm not too good with that. But I know Yogi Barry had like 10 and then Bill Russell has 11. So I don't know, there's a mind boggling. And that's what's amazing about. Brady getting seven to do it now when there's so many fucking teams, so many goddamn teams. You know, back then, I mean, you could go on a fucking run.

You could go on a fucking run. Um, like I always thought it was really interesting how back in the day on a major league baseball, when the Yankees were going through that amazing period of of Babe Ruth to Lou Gehrig to Joe DiMaggio to Mickey Mantle, which you're never going to see that again. And even though they bought Babe Ruth, whatever, even if they didn't have fucking Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig to Joe DiMaggio to fucking Mickey Mantle, I've seen people go back to back. You know, Brett Favre to Aaron Rodgers. I've seen stuff like that, you know, Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck.

I mean, it's always good when you tank half the season, right? Jim Marseille, you cheat and cunt. But sorry, Gamesmanship. It's Indianapolis, Gamesmanship. I've seen that, but I've never seen like somebody, maybe this is a good sports theory, what do they call it? Sports question. Fuck, what is the word?

Trivia, sports trivia. Has anybody ever done that? Like right in a row and just continued winning just three of the best fucking dudes ever. And I don't mean free agent signing. I don't mean that because the Lakers had magic and then Kobe was a fucking what was he? Carolina, whatever the fuck, they were Charlotte Hornet. You know, LeBron, you know, he's been around. All these other fucking teams, you know what I mean?

I just mean like you drafted them. Like that's what I always think is amazing, because like to do the 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s, just incredible fucking run. So what was amazing me back then, though, was they had so few teams that if you had the best record, like there was wasn't a bunch of divisions. It was just you're in the American League or you're in the National League. And if you had the best record in the National League, you won the pennant. And the best record in the American League won the pennant.

There weren't playoffs. There was no ALCS, NLCS division series, nothing. There was only one playoff series. It was the World Series. So it was like, I don't know, like seven, eight teams in each league and whoever had the best record, they both played each other. So that's my thing. How back then you could go on like a run.

Like when the Celtics were doing what they were doing way back in the day. Like, let me see the, I'm just going to look 1965, 1965 NBA standings. Let's see how few teams there were. Of course, it goes to NBA standings now. Why would that be? Why would that be? Why won't you help me here? 1965, 66 NBA standings.

All right. Oh my God, look at this shit. The Eastern division had four teams, the Sixers, the Celtics, the Royals and the Knicks. The Western division had had five teams, Lakers, Bullets, Hawks, Warriors and Pistons. So yeah, you can go on a run. Um, so once again, that's why I think it's so amazing. 32 teams in parody, you know, to do that. All right, I'm done.

Okay. I'm done. Congratulations to your, congratulations to Bert Kreischer's Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Fucking amazing. Fucking amazing. Um, all right. Where the fuck are we here? That's just hilarious.

I actually just clicked on something. It's notes from an Ephesus for family. It says dump prick joke. Frank holds on to seat bigger air than hands on dash. I ain't dead yet. So-and-so should hold the gun lower. This is animation. All right, let's get into the, uh, the reads for this week here.

Uh, and then I'll tell you, oh, I'm going to tell you another story real quick, real quick, whatever. I'm in a good fucking mood. I'm in a great fucking mood balance bike and then the Super Bowl. Um, I did my first standup show in like, I don't even know how long I, uh, I did that run in Texas and then I did one show when I came back and then somebody in the crowd had COVID in their car and I was just like, you know what, fuck this shit. So I just kind of been laying low.

And then I was just like, the other day it just dawned on me. Even though I agreed to do this show like two weeks ago, like I don't even think about standup anymore. I don't think about bits. I don't think about any of that shit. And I used to always think like, how do you stop doing? How does somebody stop doing standup? You've done it.

You felt the rush and it's so much fun. How the fuck do you stop? And I figured it out. You know what, you just stopped doing it. And the longer you stop doing it, the less you think about it. And then all of a sudden you're just like, Hey, you know, I don't think I have any jokes. So I went down as always to the magic castle, which has been my home away from home. My, uh, my surrogate comedy store out here.

And, uh, I did the parking lot and I went up and did a half hour and I had a fucking blast. I had a blast and, you know, I had a bunch of new shit and then I was trying to stumble my way through some of the old stuff and I kind of was shaking off the rust. I was really, really happy about how the whole thing went down and, um, which is good because I do have a show coming up. Um, I don't know if I'm allowed to fucking announce it yet. Um, anyways, there was this kid who was playing high school hockey, AJ Kedda.

I hope I say his name right. Q, U, E, T, T, A, he, um, suffered a spinal cord injury. And, um, the NHL is just doing an incredible job raising money. And, um, you know, if I was doing, if I could fucking do stand up at a bigger place, I would, but, um, I'm going to be doing like a live zoom standup show. And all the proceeds are going to go. We got to just, we haven't really reached out to him yet. It's what we're going to do in a couple of weeks.

Um, going to raise some money and all the, all the proceeds are going to go towards helping him and his family out, deal with all of the challenges ahead and all that stuff and just, um, I don't know, it's a, it's a good thing to do. Um, I don't know, just, I just can't imagine all the stuff that they're going through. So, and I, I've always believed that when anything like this happens, that the family, the only, they shouldn't have to worry about finances. The only thing that they should be worrying about is how to, you know, put

the pieces back together and move forward. So, um, I just think it's so great, you know, seeing the Bruins, they, they hung his jersey, Marshawn's his favorite player. They hung the jersey up on the boards and they had like his school color hockey tape on their sticks and, uh, warm up was just so really, really cool. So I can't imagine what that kid's going through and what his parents are going through.

It's absolutely heartbreaking. So I want to do something for him. So I will have that information, hopefully on Thursday, unfortunately it like, but the technology, it's kind of limited to like a thousand people. It's going to be like 10 bucks a ticket and, uh, we'll send the money out to them and once we figure out how to do it, I think they have a startup, whatever. By the way, they do have a startup.

I think, let me just look it up here. If you guys want to donate, if you don't want to watch my dumb ass dick jokes, uh, let's see, rally behind North Providence is AJ Ketter. Uh, yeah, they have a go fund me page. Um, you can look it up. You spell his name A J and then it's Q U E T T A. Um, but it's just been so great to see the NHL, what they've been doing. The Bruins, Cam Neely and all of those guys have just been absolutely amazing.

So got that coming up. And with that, let's do some reads here. All right. Oh, look who it is. Ollie Pope, Ollie Pope, talk about how much you love soda. I fucking love soda. Jesus Christ. If I could just fill my bathtub up with root beer and a giant beanbag size of vanilla

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It's a little tone, Jeff, during the pandemic. Um, anyway, okay, here we go. Iran coming in from Iran, coming in hot. All right. Hey, Bill, my name is Amir Abbas Ali Mohammed. Dude, you have to get into show business. You have to be a boxer or something fighting out of the blue corner. He's the current middleweight champion in Iran.

His name is Amir Abbas Ali Mohammed. No, Mohammed D, you got to eye at the end of it. All right. Yes, that's a long name. Hey, dude, Karim Abdul-Jabbar was one of my favorite sports names of all time. Yes, that's a long name. I'm an 18 year old Iranian. I live in Tehran and I'm a game designer.

So you're crushing it. You basically live in the Manhattan of, uh, you live in the New York city of Iran, you design games. Well, I want to know what kind of games do you design? Are they the same, same ones we do over here? Like what is your version of Grand Theft Auto look like? I want to, I want to see that. Uh, and I want to work in big game development studios in the future.

I know they probably have you guys all sewed up over there too. Right. Can you break off and start your own shit? Um, so you actually get the credit. Anyway, I love Western countries and especially America. I love American music, American musicians like Elvis or Frank Sinatra. Look at that. He's going old school here.

Uh, so what do you think of Iran? You know, life is kind of hard here, but hey, I don't blame America for it. It's mostly our government's fault. When you see in the media about the people is mostly wrong, but everything you hear about my government, you have to multiply by 10 to understand how evil they are. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this real? Dude, if you have your governments that evil, why the fuck did you have me say

you know, I'm going to bleep out your fucking name. Unless this is just some redneck writing in, pretending to be an Iranian. I have no idea. Um, anyway, I don't want to get you in trouble. Um, where am I? Uh, what you hear, you've seen it, it's 10 times evil. Okay, I watch your standups and I really love them. I like Louis CK too.

And of course you were amazing in the Mandalorian, by the way, you were way better than all of the, okay, okay, okay. Let's take it down a little. Uh, so what do you, what do you think of Iran? If you have any passport other than American passport, you can visit our country. Sorry for my English. Um, what do I think about it? Unfortunately, I'll probably never go there because of the relationship that,

uh, you know, you and I could hang out, you know, we wouldn't have a problem. Talk video games and comedy and fucking movies and shit. But like for some reason, the concept, the top can't seem to settle their differences without having to have people from, uh, you know, friends, you know, friends, I know, go over there, you know, over here, whatever you try to kill each other, it's fucked. I don't, I don't get why war is still legal. I don't understand it.

You know, I can't do a Caitlyn Jenner joke, but like we can fucking go around bombing countries or they can bomb us. I just don't understand it. Um, yeah, it's just all that fucking paranoia. It's really, I don't know. I guess you have to have a healthy thing. What do I think about? Um, I'll be honest with you, I'm worried for you guys.

I'm worried for a guy like you. All right, if you're a real person, if this isn't just somebody fucking with me, like just regular people over there, I would hate to be in your situation where, you know, you're sitting on top of a bunch of stuff that another nation wants. Um, you know, like I said, I really wish Joe Biden would just take a ride into Tesla and we would sort of just at some point walk away from these fucking oil companies or just let them in on the whole solar thing so they can transition over because they're killing all of us.

The banks and oil companies are just killing all of us. They're just fucking just greedy cunts. I mean, it's not just them. There's other people and I'm also a selfish cut. I just don't run an oil company. So I don't know. I don't, I don't have any, what do I think about you guys? I hope you're safe.

I hope we don't go to war with each other. I hope all your dreams come true. I hope you're able to design games and find love and have some kids and just have live a full life. That's what I want for everybody. Unless you're a cunt. If you're a cunt, I hope you walk into the sea and help feed the fish. All right.

Iran. Okay. Trump versus Biden. Uh, Bill, you're listening to the bullshit on this. Trump tore up our nuclear treaty with Iran in the beginning of his term. Trump thought it was too soft on Iran. Trump dropped a bomb on one of Iran's top generals. Uh, Trump treated all kinds of war on Iran during his whole term.

Biden is trying to renegotiate the old treaty, no biggie. Yeah, treaty negotiations, talk big talk, but compared to what we had the last four years, go fuck yourself. Well, uh, those were four sentences. I'll give you that, but I don't, you know, listen, dude, if you saw how many bombs fucking Obama dropped, I don't know how to tell you this, dude. They're all working for the same guy, the same guys. And I will say the one thing about Trump was they, nobody knew what the fuck he

was going to do. That's why he had to go not because progressives were sick of them. I think because nobody could make any fucking money because you got to know what the guy's going to do. That guy had zero tendencies. You could be the biggest fucking Trump fan in the world. And all you knew was that he wasn't going to do what people were suggesting to do. That's all you knew.

Um, he is a contrarian's contrarian. Um, but I also don't pay attention that much to politics. I don't give a fuck. Okay. I like people. I don't think we should drop bombs to settle our fucking differences. And I don't think that makes me a fucking hippie either. Um, it's fucking bananas, man, but whatever.

That's how we do it. It's how we've always done it. And it's how we're going to continue doing it. So what are you going to do? Um, sorry. Okay. Scream is so much during the game. My throat's getting a little scratchy here.

Oh, geez. It's getting a little scratchy. All right. Another one for my rant. Dear Billy Barracks, uh, you're right about Iran. Oh, now I'm right. People, I don't know shit about Iran. Um, the US will be leading the charge and removing leadership.

It won't be as bloody as Iraq, but we're going to fuck shit up. I work in the government and I can tell you that the amount of chatter has gone up a bit in the last year or two. According to an older colleague of mine, this is how it went with Iraq. Well, they're using the same fucking story. Even if 9 11 hadn't happened, we could have gone into Iraq with the propaganda machine that was barreling down the track. Some people think 9 11 just pushed up the schedule to go to Iraq, which makes

sense if sense it had nothing to do with 9 11. And it seemed like some people really wanted to get in there. Trump is a tough guy. So he needed the nuclear treaty with Iran cause because he thought it was too soft. But he thought, but, but he could only really do that because the military industrial, oh God, this word, military industrial complex, let him. Now, is the military industrial complex, that is the corporations that sort of dictate where the military goes?

The industrial being corporations industry. I think that was one of the biggest blunders in American history was that Eisenhower called it the military industrial complex to the point that the lay person dummy like me has no idea what he's talking about. Anyway, he should have been like, he's fucking oil company. He's going to start to terminate where we go. Uh, I think they did so, uh, they could blame him for when we go to war under Biden.

Um, well, I mean, then you're kind of assuming that everybody is liberal. That is involved in that. Um, I just don't think it matters. Like, I think if one of those other Republicans won the nomination and beat Hillary, which was easy, just because he was a terrible public speaker, terrible public speaker, and it's show business. You got to get up there and you know, fucking twirl the baton, right? Um, I think we probably would have gone in.

I just think that that's just how it works. If you want to get the mansion on Martha's vineyard, you got to do what they say. Anyways, Biden's cabinet is full of Bush, Obama era, war mongers. They'll be the ones who actually go to war. All right. Well, I don't pay attention to the shift, but that a lot of that stuff made sense to me. You don't have to agree with it.

So people, please don't email me in capital letters. It's just a podcast. All right. Let's try to stay focused here. Uh, stimulus, um, that's a great name for like a, a Greek porn star. Steve stimulus, you know, sort of sounds Greek. He's also going to be stimulating him with his giant Greek fucking porno cock.

No, all right. Hey, Bill, my delusional family, coworker and friends all told me that when Biden won, we get the stimulus check we deserved. I made some of them say it on video cause I knew they twist their words. Oh, that's great. You got him to say it on video. They were all wrong. And I've been gloating the news barely covers it.

And there are less demands from Twitter activists. Anyways, no stimulus, even with the Dems in charge, I think you're a fucking moron if you believe that only the Republicans are evil. I actually always argued that Democrats were worse because at least the Republicans don't pretend like they give a fuck about me. You know, they're like, fuck you fucking pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. I got money and you can watch me spend it for all I give a fuck. You can starve right on my front yard.

I don't give a shit. And the Democrats like, we love you, we love you. And then they drop bombs and buy mansions in fucking Martha's vineyard. They're all the same fucking cunts. All right. My dad's anger gave him Parkinson's. Oh, you motherfucker. Well, some people's anger gives them a heart attack.

Who's, oh God, is this, oh, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the adventures of Internet Doctor. My favorite show on TV, Internet Doctor. He never went, he and she never went to medical school. They just went on a website and they read some stuff. Okay. Hi, Bill. I just saw another clip of you raging on people now overly sensitive attitudes.

A menial job worker sucking at their menial job and your dad being someone you were scared of. It's like we live the same youth. Part of it is definitely the old man who's the angriest person I ever met. I am 38 years old with two little girls and my wife is constantly telling me to calm down after I overreacted my kids, moving their chairs without lifting up. I don't yell at my kids, but I yell at stuff, TVs, phones, toasters, just dragging the thing across the floor, guaranteeing a knock on the door from

our downstairs neighbor. I hold in my fury until the neighbor leaves, then lose it at my kids. Dude, you can't yell at your kids. He goes, it sucks, but they should lift their fucking chairs. Yeah, but dude, your kids shouldn't pay for your childhood. You got to work on that, man. And I'm saying this to you and to me, because I don't want this. That's why I was so thrilled when people said you have like happy kids.

He says, anyway, my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's and I shit you not. The doctor said he wouldn't be surprised if my dad had anger issues. Like if you spend your life angry, you end up with Parkinson's as the ultimate karmic payback. Yeah, I don't buy that. It scared the shit out of me. And I was hoping you could make some jokes about it to lighten the mood. All the best.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, that's just a theory. And also, if you really look at why so many people are angry, it's because they were hurt as kids. And I don't think when you're a defenseless kid, that if somebody was evil to you, mean to you or frightened you, that you should pay the cost. Shouldn't the person that yelled at you, I guess if you're yelling at you, yelling at your kids, but I'm not yelling at my kids. I don't yell at my kids.

So I don't know, dude, I think it probably comes, comes down to, you know, I think it's a little more beyond that. But I also, I kind of believe that like, I do think if you're an abusive in your, in a verbally abusive relationship for years and years and years that that does some sort of, however you hold on to it, I think it's probably unique. You know, some people might get like, I don't know, physical amens. Other people might get a fucking disease. I have no idea how it works.

I'm not a doctor. But I had to guess in years to come, they're going to sort of map out some shit of how a disease cannot be necessarily in your family tree, but some bullshit you went through. They'll probably, and then realize that meditation is the way to cure a lot of stuff at which point the pharmaceutical companies will suppress that information and then come up with drugs and try to do things to keep you angry so they can keep making money.

That's what I would guess. All right, girlfriend will leave me if I don't get a normal job. Okay. Hey, Billy Balbag. I love your show and I know you don't like compliments. So I'll just cut to the chase. Thank you. I'm an 18 year old redheaded dude, just like yourself.

I've been dating my girlfriend for the last two months, two and a half years. Sorry. It's been going great. We very much enjoy each other's company and have some of the same interests. But here's the problem. I'm trying to become a comedian. I don't want to get on stage as, I want to get on stage as soon as I can to make a career out of it.

That means I don't want to go to college and get a desk job. I've told my girlfriend that I, I will still work my ass off to help pay the bills when we eventually move in together. Dude, these are some deep conversations for 18. She doesn't see comedy as a good job for her spouse to have. I've told her I'm already trying to get my name out there by starting a podcast, but she sees it as a temporary thing. She's threatened to leave me if I don't go to college and get a degree in some

bullshit that I don't want to do. Uh, I don't know what to say to her. I love her so much, but I don't want to give up my dream. Any advice is helpful. Thanks to go fuck yourself. Yeah, dude, you need to dump her. If she doesn't come around, this is what, this is what you don't need to dump her. You just say, listen, I'm doing this.

This is my dream. And I want to be with somebody that is going to support my dream. I'm going to support your dreams. Okay. But your dream can't be that my dream doesn't come true. Okay. That's like the genie wishes. You can't wish for more wishes, right?

It's like, if your dreams to become a nurse, I will support you doing that. First of all, dude, this is way too serious a fucking relationship to be in at 18 years of age. What is it? The 1700s, you're going to die when you're 30. Um, this is what you, do you want to fucking make it as a comic? You fucking go be a comedian and you don't let anybody tell you, you can't fucking do it.

And you know, you know, you learn from people, you keep your ears open. You be, uh, you know, nice to people and everything. But the second you get somebody coming at you, trying to take, you know, trying to take that light out of you, you just shut it down, dude. You shut it down. And this is a great fucking experience for you to have at this age. Cause I didn't figure this shit out till I was about 10 years older than you. And now I literally, I don't have anybody in my life like that now.

And like if I even sense that around me, like I almost break out in the hives, I just get like, I don't, I don't like literally walk away from them, but I just go in my head. I just go, I am, I, this, this is just bounce. It just bounces off me. I'm not listening to any of this shit. And, uh, yeah, if you try to sell me on fear, I'm not listening to you. Sell me on logic.

Okay. As long as what I'm doing is rational. Like if my dream was to become the best hit man, the CIA has ever had, then like, you know, I can see you trying to talk, Hey, you know, you're going to have to fucking bet you when you get older. Even if it was good for the country, you might see that a few of them maybe, you know, you probably see, you know, you know, you're just going to go tell jokes. So if you really love her and everything and she really loves you, you'll be

able to work it out, but I would just say, I would just say this to her. Just say, listen, this is my dream and I'm going to do this. And if this is going to work, I need you to support me. You got to support my dream. I'm not asking you to, to work all day. Why I don't have a job. And, um, and this is the thing, dude, if she walks away, right, who gives a fuck? Then she wasn't the one for you.

You were only 18 years of age and dude, you could become a fucking comedian. You could start selling tickets. My dude, I went to summer school like fucking, I should have gone every year, but I had a cool teacher my sophomore year and senior year. What was the point? I said, fuck it. And I still made. Okay.

And I'm making way better a living than I would have if I did some of the other jobs I thought of doing. So, I mean, you're going, I mean, anytime you're going after your dream, I mean, that's just like, that's no one should ever take that from you, dude. Don't let anybody ever do that. Okay. And that's a really, um, she's only, if she's your age, I mean, whatever. I mean, you guys are still kids, so she doesn't know any better and I don't know

what, but, um, I gotta be honest, I can forgive that at 18, but like, there's only like, I don't know, if somebody's still saying that shit by 24, if you're saying that male or female, you're a cunt and you need, you need to be shown the door, all right, but you guys are just kids. So dude, you go do your fucking standup and you don't let anybody stop you. All right. And, you know, it's going to be an amazing, amazing journey. I had such an amazing time and there's a bunch of fucking hills you got to climb

and all this stuff. Then that's gives you all your stories that builds your character and all of that. But I'll tell you, climbing those hills, the last fucking thing you need is someone hanging on your leg, trying to drag your back down it. So have your conversation. All right. And if she breaks up with you, go watch the Bronx tale and you know that everybody gets three great women.

All right. So you still got two more coming and you just make sure the next one or the one after that supports your dream or they can all hit the fucking bricks. That's what I say. All right. Congratulations to Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Condolence is the Kansas City Chiefs fans. Hell of a season sucks that somebody has to fucking lose the Super Bowl, but you

guys are, you know, there's no reason why you won't be there again next year. And I'm telling you that fucking look on Patrick Mahomes face on that last one, you know, when he was sitting there, I'm telling that's going to pay dividends for chiefs fans in the future. I really believe that. All right. That's it. Go Pat's, go Bruins, go Red Sox, go Celtics.

I don't give a fuck if they're still playing or not. All right, I'll talk to you guys. I'll check in on you on Thursday.